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    Bingsop's Fables: Little Morals for Big Business
    Bingsop's Fables: Little Morals for Big Business
    Bingsop's Fables: Little Morals for Big Business
    Ebook124 pages1 hour

    Bingsop's Fables: Little Morals for Big Business

    By Stanley Bing and Steve Brodner

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    About this ebook

    “A masterful curmudgeon who causes laugh-out-loud moments.”—USA Today

    “Bing delivers his works smoothly, projecting tones of deadpan sarcasm and animated mockery befitting the often irreverent content.” —Publishers Weekly

    From celebrated business writer and Fortune columnist Stanley Bing, the bestselling author of What Would Machiavelli Do?, Throwing The Elephant, Sun Tzu is a Sissy, and more, comes a collection of playful fables poking fun at corporate archetypes while imparting useful and humorous lessons for anyone striving to make it big in big business. Illustrated throughout by New Yorker artist Steve Brodner, Bingsop’s Fables is the perfect addition to any executive bookshelf in need of a little humor—and a lot of excellent advice.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarperCollins
    Release dateApr 26, 2011
    ISBN9780062092007
    Bingsop's Fables: Little Morals for Big Business
    Author

    Stanley Bing

    Stanley Bing, the alter ego of Gil Schwartz (1951–2020), was the bestselling author of Crazy Bosses, What Would Machiavelli Do?, Throwing the Elephant, Sun Tzu Was a Sissy, 100 Bullshit Jobs . . . And How to Get Them, The Big Bing, and The Curriculum, as well as the novels Lloyd: What Happened, You Look Nice Today, and Immortal Life. He was a top CBS communications executive whose identity was one of the worst-kept secrets in business.

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      Book preview

      Bingsop's Fables - Stanley Bing

      Shit Flows Downhill, but Not Forever

      The CEO and his hatchet man planned to execute their reorganization all at once, on a Friday afternoon.

      After a horrible and bloody merger, the CEO of the losing side, who had barely survived the coming together of two proud companies, did an analysis of which services could be outsourced in his conquered subsidiary. The CEO knew that his future depended on how many jobs he could kill before the size of his package was noted by the senior management of the dominant hedge fund that now owned them. He quickly saw that a number of internal functions could be managed offshore simply by hiring a service firm or existing entity in Costa Rica that did such things for companies looking to minimize pensions, benefits, and other employee-related costs. I can save a ton of money and be a hero to my new bosses just like the guys at Citigroup did, he thought.

      Like many CEOs, however, this particular executive, while a genuine fan of rationalizing costs, hated to actually fire people himself. He therefore determined to hire a hatchet man to do the nasty work for him, bringing in a former McKinsey operative and giving him the title of Chief Operating Officer. This COO was himself quite expensive, his salary, bonus, long-term compensation, and perquisites amounting to the cost of several hundred smaller jobs. He at once targeted Law, Accounting, Public Relations, Event Planning, Office Services, and several other formerly integrated departments for extreme unction, although he did spare the executive chef.

      This place is way fat, he told the CEO, who knew he was full of shit but admired the zeal with which he justified his compensation.

      This fellow is a real go-getter, said the CEO to himself. I will kill him as soon as I can, for he is very dangerous to any life form in his vicinity.

      The CEO and his hatchet man planned to execute their reorganization all at once, on a Friday afternoon, late in the day, when corporations traditionally take out the garbage, minimizing as much as possible the media fallout.

      On the day when the announcements were to be made, the Chief Operating Officer called the executives in charge of these various areas into his palatial office, one by one, and terminated them after outlining the actions necessary to earn their severance. And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth throughout the building, which had once been home to several hundred worthy souls and would now be little more than a ghost town populated by wraiths whose jobs it would be to manage outsourced providers.

      These are tough times, said the COO to each of them. And tough times call for hard solutions. Thank you for your contribution. Now get the fuck out of here. Actually, he didn’t say that precisely. But that’s precisely what he meant.

      Among those called to judgment in this manner was a Strategic Planner who was the sole member of what had once been a functioning group of people hired to chart the long-term direction of the enterprise back when companies were less intent on operating strictly quarter to quarter. This planning dude was a savvy fellow, and had quietly functioned under the radar for quite some time. He earnestly beseeched the hatchet man to spare his life for the sake of superior operations.

      Dude, he said, adopting the modified surfer patois that binds together much of the more youthful cadre of senior management. You can’t take me out. This place is nothing without a planning operation that understands and is dedicated to the day to day. Give me a chance to exercise my chops and demonstrate my added value. Besides, I’m no lawyer. I’m no beancounter. I’m a Wharton grad, did six years at KPMG. I was instrumental in the transaction that produced this acquisition, for chrissake. At some point we’re going to need to grow revenue, not just cut costs. That’s when what I do really kicks in.

      The Chief Operating Officer, who was a graduate of the Harvard Business School, laughed aloud and said, It may be as you say, Fred. But if you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d have seen the personal implications of a merger like this one. I’m sorry, dude. You’re toast.

      Six months later, when the cutbacks were all done, the Chief Executive Officer fired this very same hatchet man with exactly the same words. What a bastard, said the CEO to himself as he started the search for a new second banana, a search he didn’t actually have time to complete before his new bosses at the hedge fund took him out, a step that cost them $147 million in severance but that they still considered a good investment. What a bunch of losers, said the hedge fund officers. And then they had lunch.

      MORAL: BIRDS OF A FEATHER DIE TOGETHER, ALBEIT WITH MUCH DIFFERENT EXIT PACKAGES.

      Mini-Fable

      THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO LOSE

      An elderly Supply Chain Officer had hit his expiration date, and was hunkered down in his office. His colleagues came in great numbers to inquire after his health, and each one helped himself to a share of his turf, since he could no longer handle or protect it; so that in the end he was laid low not from the complications of his career malaise, but from the ostensible help he got from his friends. When he got fired, they all took him to Elaine’s.

      MORAL: EVIL COMPANIONS BRING MORE PAIN THAN PROFIT.

      The Human Resources Guy Who Became Something of a Hipster

      For the next six weeks, the Benefits Manager listened only to hip-hop, becoming quite an aficionado of sampling, backbeats, and slant rhymes.

      A Benefits Manager in the Human Resources Department of a rather gray and tedious insurance company had morphed into the human manifestation of his corporate culture. His suit was gray. His hair was gray. His tie was gray. Even his face, except for the hint of a day’s beard shadow, was relatively gray. Only his shirt was white, although occasionally, when it was one of the older ones he had acquired quite some time ago, and had inadequately laundered, it too was a sort of gray. His socks were gray. His selection of art in his office, where

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