Satan Is My Trailer Buddy, I Kid You Not!

Satan is my trailer buddy, I kid you not!

By Sebastian H. Alive

License Notes

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Copyright 2015 Sebastian H. Alive

Prologue

The beginning of the unholy war…

Who are you that you should not fear me, mortal? boomed the powerful voice of Satan.

Derek smiled placidly as he took a long deep drag from the joint and blew out a thin jet of smoke into the face of the Prince of darkness.

Am I meant to be scared of you or something? he asked through a blurry smile. Because I don't feel scared,

I know you are afraid, said Satan a little hesitantly.

Really, I’m not, admitted Derek, scratching his head dreamily.

Satan slumped into the tattered wicker chair with a frown and sighed loudly.

Really? You’re not scared? Not even a little bit? he asked.

Derek shook his head and after a moment of scrutinizing his joint, popped it back into his mouth and took another hit.

Did you not see my dramatic entrance? asked Satan, sounding ever-so-slightly annoyed now.

To be completely honest I was rolling a joint and not paying attention, replied Derek rather apologetically. Did you like come through the door or something?

Satan stood up and walked a few steps to the caravan door and opened it forcefully, then looked out into the cold dead of night. He hesitated for a moment then slammed it shut and sat back down with a winch.

This chair is remarkably uncomfortable, remarked Satan, shifting himself awkwardly on the wood.

It gives my caravan a stylish and classic look, said Derek shrugging his shoulders.

Anyway, back to my entrance to your world. Do you think that the greatest and most powerful of all angels, the ruler of all demons, father of lies, personification of evil and the enemy of God and all humankind, would make his arrival through a caravan door that sticks on the seal a little when you open it?

Can you pass me the ashtray, it’s gonna’ drop, said Derek urgently staring at the tip of his smoke and licking his dry lips.

Satan blinked a couple of times.

Oh! Too late! mumbled Derek rubbing the ash into his stained paisley rug with a holey sock.

This is not how I anticipated my arrival, muttered Satan. I set myself very high standards in key areas of my work. Do you know how incredibly difficult it is opening a portal from the underworld? It is immensely complex and involves an astounding volume of paperwork, plus the entrance has to be just perfect, just perfect! The entrance has to have a minimum level of evil and suspense and should always guarantee that it has the recipient’s full and undivided attention. Now here I am, standing before you. The execution was perfect, a trip or fall and you could look real stupid because there are the Sulfuric vapors to worry about and it gets so misty, yet you look pretty disinterested and not in the slightest scared,

Derek blew a smoke ring and watched as it floated lazily before dissipating into nothing.

Kinda’ missed it, he said.

I suppose I need to work on that, admitted Satan, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Tell me, do you even know who I am?

Erm…no, just a random stranger in my caravan? It’s not uncommon around the park to be honest,

I have many different names, mortal. Many know me as Lucifer or Beelzebub, but I have been called Belial, Abaddon, Little Horn, Diablo, Apollyon, Mephistopheles and Shaitan. I am the Antichrist, the Great Deceiver, King of Hell and Angel of Darkness,

Never heard of you, said Derek sucking deeply on the joint and coughing lightly.

Satan, lord of the underground, demon of darkness and despair. Pleased to meet you,

Far out, heard of him, admitted Derek raising his eyebrows. I’m Derek, perpetually stoned and worthless entity. Nice to have you in my 1980’s Avondale,

Satan rubbed his eyes tiredly.

You are an odd little man, aren’t you Derek? So now that you know who I am, how do you feel?

Dunno really! Why are you here?

I am here to wage a war against those who follow God and his commandments. I have long been silent that the human race does not fear me anymore. So I am here to bring lawlessness and fear back to the populace and seduce humanity into sin,

Oh! said Derek slightly amused. So why have you come to me?

I want to build dark angelic brethren from humans to help me reinvigorate my evilness in the hearts and minds of man. I choose you as my first because your eyes have the color of hell-fire,

Smoking weed makes my eyes red,

Prepare yourself for something very dreadful my deceitful worker, said Satan cackling loudly. Very dreadful indeed,

I got a miniature fridge over there is you’re hungry, offered Derek, pointing to the corner. We can roll a few more fat ones and chill. How’s that?

This may be more difficult than I first imagined, murmured Satan, narrowing his eyes.

So you know, the Mars bar is mine though, said Derek sniffing innocently.

CHAPTER 1

The cycle of evil…

Derek distributed the weed evenly across the paper and licked the glue seal on the roach papers, before tucking the marijuana in and rolling it expertly under the watchful eyes of Satan.

You do that an awful lot, you know? said the Dark Prince observing him closely.

Derek hovered the lighter before the joint, but a gentle breeze blew it away and he cursed under his breath.

Allow me,

Satan absently held his index finger out and a tiny flame sprouted from its tip. Derek jumped a little with a nervous laugh escaping his lips.

That’s cool man, how’d you do it?

I have incredible levels of dark powers, replied Satan, seemingly pleased with himself. Just a small demonstration of my supremeness,

Nodding in appreciation Derek leaned forward and sucked on the joint, inhaling deeply.

Out of curiosity, and not that I object to the immorality and general sinless nature of what you are doing, but do you often smoke recreational drugs in the presence of children?

It was Saturday, the day after Satan’s arrival. They were sat in the park in the early afternoon on a metal bench in front of the children’s area. Youngsters were playing happily in the sand pit, hanging precariously from the climbing frame and hurtling down the slide at break-neck speeds while screeching hysterically.

This bench was here before they built that children’s play area, answered Derek staring at his joint. I’m not doing anything wrong though, am I? I mean, is this evil?

The plant in itself is not evil, replied Satan. After all, that prat created it along with the universe, so smoke away. But tell, me my minion of unrighteousness, does smoking that tremendously large spliff change your mood and chemically enhance your brain?

It does actually,

Then this could be the path to sin and evil, said Satan getting excited. Tell me, does it give you the urge to kill people with a blunt instrument in my name?

Not really, said Derek frowning. Kinda’ relaxes me being high,

What about a little sustained maiming? Would you like to harm that little girl over there?

Not really, mumbled Derek shaking his head as he smoked to the very bottom of the joint and flicked it to the pavement.

Do you even share it with the innocents? asked Satan hopefully as he eyed the children with evil intent.

No, uh-huh!

Derek if you truly want to embrace your evil side as my servant of darkness, then you need to be you know…a little evil,

But how can I be evil?

Derek, Derek, Derek, learn from the Emperor of evil. Let’s discuss the cycle of evil. Answer me this, what happens if you throw a pebble into a lake of still water?

It sinks?

You have the imagination of bark, Derek. No, a ripple in the water is formed, and another and another and they increase as the circle widens. That is the theory behind the cycle of evil. So I’m going to set you a little practical lesson right now where you will perform a smidgen of evil, and the beauty of this exercise is that generally evil attracts evil,

Right, said Derek a little unsure. When you say smidgen of evil, how much is a smidgen?

Just a sliver, my ruthless vile dog. See that sweet little innocent girl over there that makes me want to vomit in my mouth with her purity?

Derek followed his gaze and nodded his head.

The one with the blue balloon under the watchful gaze of the shaven-head man with neck tattoos, rippling muscles and extremely low body fat?

That’s the one, Derek. Well, I want you to give her a little taste of evil so we can see the ripple effects,

What do you want me to do? Urinate on her?

No, Satan gasped with mouth open in shock. Public urination is disgusting Derek. Would you want someone else’s fluids on you? Do you have a personal need to act out that abuse that we need to discuss?

Erm…no, I uhmm just thought of the first thing that came into my head,

That’s a little disturbing, Derek. No, see I don’t like blue,

Why don’t you like blue?

It’s symbolic of the sky and heaven, so I want you to go over there, take her balloon and pop it, then walk back over to me,

Derek swallowed hard and stared at the man watching over her.

What about that guy? He’s like a marine or something,

True evil is afraid of nothing, Derek. Yes, the man may enter into a berserker rage and tear you limb from limb then firmly hold your genitals so he may mutilate them with a rusty razor blade, but you need to see the bigger picture,

Bigger than mutilating my genitals? asked Derek with a whimper in his voice.

Your genitals are inconsequential, but you need to understand that in doing so he himself would create an act of pure evil and one that his daughter would witness. That act would haunt her for her remaining days thus corrupting her innocence. So go over there, take that latex party piece and burst the shit out of it

I don’t really know, said Derek squirming in his seat.

No weakness, snapped Satan pointing at the girl. Go over there and crush her spirit in a single act of darkness,

Derek sucked in a deep, calming breath and stood up with his eyes fixed on the little girl in the play area.

That’s my soldier, whispered Satan reassuringly. One foot in front of the other,

Whistling to himself, Derek waltzed casually over, opened the swing gate leading into the enclosure and edged closer to the little girl with his hands clasped innocently behind his back.

The shaven-head man with neck tattoos was busy with his head down, scrolling through phone messages, so when Derek was close enough he offered a smile.

Hello little girl, he said. That’s a nice balloon. May I hold it?

Sure you can, she said sweetly holding it out to him.

That is very kind of you, replied Derek taking the balloon.

Can we be friends?

Sure we can, replied Derek applying pressure to the blue balloon between his hands.

Suddenly it burst, nearly giving him a brain aneurysm and making her jump back.

She looked at him in shock for a moment with her gorgeous blue eyes, before bursting into tears and running away. Without a backward glance, Derek spun on his heels and turned around and walked back to the bench with his heart pounding.

Satan gave the air a fist-pump and left a high-five out for Derek, which he slapped lightly as he sat back down on the metal seat.

Do you feel and remorse or guilt? asked Satan.

A little shameful, he admitted.

Maybe you should have stuffed her mouth with the burst latex, known choking hazard that,

Maybe a little too extreme for my first outing, don’t you think, Satan?

You’re right, maybe you should have urinated on her,

What is she doing now? asked Derek refusing to look up through his fingers.

She is sobbing into the arms of that intimidating violent looking man and pointing at you,

Oh great, muttered Derek. And what is he doing?

You might want to see this, Derek. He has an expression on his face that feels like honey on my tongue. It says every fiber of his being wants to hurt you and a lesson of pain needs to be learnt today without hesitancy,

Groaning Derek sank lower into his hands as Satan clapped his hands together in delight.

What is it? hissed Derek.

He’s coming over. Oh my, seriously, just look at the intensity in his eyes and how his muscles are all pumped and veins popping out all over the place. This is just great!

He’s going to hit me!

No he’s not,

He is, cried Derek.

Actually, yes, I think there may be a confrontation and he may just unscrew your head and shit down your neck, admitted Satan edging away from him on the bench and creating some distance between them.

Oi you! shouted the man in an enraged voice.

Me? asked Derek looking up innocently at the towering mass of muscle standing over him.

You just upset my little girl, he snarled menacingly as he clenched his fists.

"You must be mistaken sir, it