I Now Pronounce You...Beer and Wife

(2002 Public Intoxication Arrest Mug Shot)

About the Alcoholic

An internationally recognized expert in the field of Keg Stands and Beer Bongs, Heather Grant has been diminishing personal growth opportunities for most of her adolescence. She devoted half her life to chasing off men and consuming all the alcohol she could get her mouth on. Her drunken antics have made her a living legend and have set the standards for all that strive to stumble in her footsteps. She is one of America’s most wasted life lessons on ineffective and inappropriate bar behavior, as well as facilitating improper keg stand seminars.

Her insights into alcohol addiction, personal stupidity, inebriated blackouts, and shotgun beer strategies have produced immediate discernment and short-term irresolution. She doesn’t possess a Ph.D. or MBA, and you can’t buy the lessons she’s learned at an Ivy League School. She’s currently in recovery now and wants to share her struggles with others in hopes of helping them overcome their own alcohol induced problems. She’s a devoted mother who currently resides in Sacramento, California, with the most amazing son and her two Yorkies, Guinness and Yager.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU

BEER AND WIFE

A Diary

__________

Heather Grant

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU BEER AND WIFE: A DIARY

Heather Grant

Published by Heather Grant at Smashwords

Copyright 2009 Heather Grant

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN (978-1-61658-617-1)

My Eternal Dedication

I dedicate this book to My Beloved Grandparents. Thank you for sacrificing and planting the seed, supporting it, protecting it, believing in it, and nurturing its growth! You are the sacred gardeners of our beloved family tree. The hard work and sacrifices you made to pave the way for our generation will never be forgotten. We will never disregard the foundation you laid for us, or the everlasting empire in the sky.

To My Brave Mother, for teaching me true strength, for building an empire out of a grain of sand and sacrificing yourself to plant the seed; even if you were the sole gardener. For standing endless hours with three hungry kids in the food bank line, just to keep us fed.

I also dedicate this book to My Dearest Son. You have brought much amazement to my life! All those moments I didn’t think I would make it; I pushed through because I knew I was no longer carrying myself! You are the love of my life, my love, and my true meaning!

My Special Thanks

Special and much needed thanks to Kevis Sullivan of coachwriter.com. Thank you for mentoring me and being the voice of reassured reason. Without your guidance and wisdom, this book might have never taken flight!

An extended thanks to The Design Team at Jynx Graphics, who did a wonderful job in creating the vision for my book cover and bringing my dream to life. Hats off to the lady that can put up with my demanding nature and hit a home run!

Another thanks to Sui Mike Crusett of Luxe Salon for donating his time to help style and perfect my hair for the photo shoot; you have the ultimate spirit fingers.

Deep Appreciation to Nicholas David Lopez of L.I.L.A. Images, for making a masterpiece out of the photo shoot for my website, back book cover, and book launch promo!

A cherished thanks to Che Perez of SacVibe.com for getting my website in tiptop ready mode and for always being drunker than me. Extended Gratitude to my favorite musician CLEMON for donating his music and kindness to my launch party success.

Sacred thanks to Gary Taylor and Amy Mullens for putting up with me and for always believing in me more than I believed in myself.

Oh yeah, and my most important thanks to Beer! Thank you for always tasting so crisp on a hot summer day, for extenuating the flavors in a barbecue tri-tip, for always making me feel fulfilled to the carbonated brim, and for giving me an addiction that almost killed me! Without you all, this book would NOT have been possible!

Crazy Contents on the Table

About the Alcoholic

PreWife

Chapter 1—The Birth of a SUPERSTAR

Chapter 2—How Many Licks Does it Take to Coax the Center of a Man’s Ego?

Chapter 3—The Great Wall of China

Chapter 4—Me, Myself, and My Meaning

Chapter 5—Local Long-Distance Relationships on a Leash

Chapter 6—For Better or Never… Till Death Do Us NOT

Chapter 7—Maid of Honor

Chapter 8—Diaries of a Drunken Bumble Bee

Chapter 9—Leap Frog

Chapter 10—Bringing White Trash Back… To the Beach

Chapter 11 - Thirty Gallons of Water Bringeth Mud Football

Chapter 12—Inebriated Syrup Obsessions and Jelly Jar Confessions

Chapter 13—Hey, Bartender, Let Me Get a Shot Of Roofie, Please

Chapter 14—My Knight in Shining Armor Rode in On a White Goat

Chapter 15—Broken Wagon Wheels

Chapter 16—The Truth Will Set You Free… But First It’s Going to Put You Under a Dark Rain Cloud Without an Umbrella

Chapter 17—I’m Just Sayin’

PreWife

My name is Heather Grant, and I openly characterize myself by three flaws: I am impulsive, eccentric, and the worst drunk to tap a keg since Frank the Tank! I run amuck like the misfit black sheep in my family, constantly causing disappointment and discernment. I treated men like meaningless and insignificant trophies that I prized on a shelf above the toilet seat. I lied, cheated, vindicated my actions, and excused my drunkenness like I was royalty in the hood, and the porcelain goddess was my comforting throne after a long night of alcohol poisoning. You know what… I was pathetic!

Those of you that have shared company with me know that I have the potential ability to love very deeply! The obstacle is getting through my layers to attain that love. There is only one little boy in this lifetime that has instantly accomplished receiving that love without being tested or had having to work for it, and that is my son. In addition, my life has always seemed a constant test. Just when I get comfortable in the moment, it changes, and I suddenly have no idea where I am anymore. I can be very needy, and because I am tired of change, I like to hang on to the moment a little longer than time or my sanity will allow!

I am unpredictable. Half the time, I say what I don't mean for fear that the truth might possibly set me free. I love meeting and having deep conversations with random people, and as one of my best friends once said, I am like a Venus friend trap. Friendship with me will last forever once you get through my layers. Even the worst memories serve as the best, and the tender moments are those that give us the growing pains we need in life to crawl into our cocoon—the sanctuary that will one day turn us all into the beautiful butterflies we long to be.

On one last note, I have recently learned to look at life as a visual and not a pre-painted picture. Visions can be changed and molded, but paintings can’t be altered once the masterpiece is complete. Life is a vision.

I know what you’re thinking… What does this twenty-nine-year-old female adult imitator know about a life that hasn’t even kicked her over the hill yet? PLENTY! I can only hope that when I write the sequel in twenty years, life has not pruned the hell out of my tree and robbed me of my fruit. None of my stories have been staged or altered! This is the story of a wild child whose ambition and optimism raged from birth. This is a little girl who never accepted no as a comprehendible option; a woman who courageously found motivation, hope, and God through self-forced changes. Someone once told me to write a book about my life, so here it is.

Today, I step forward bravely to expose my dirty, worn laundry to the world. My hopes are to reach out to people and inspire others to believe that no matter where you come from, you have the ability to be the architect and redesign the blueprints for your destination. If you dare to know the truth about how a SUPERSTAR was created, then please join me for a good laugh, to recap on the crossing while I release these toxic skeletons that have haunted my closet for years! The journey has been bumpy, unpredictable, ever changing, and 100 percent well worth it. This is my story…

Chapter 1 – The Birth of a SUPERSTAR

When I was a little girl, my mother swore I was the daughter of Satan! I was best characterized as a walking, talking, living omen, straight out of the womb and magnetically enticed by trouble. Merely an infant, my cousin decided to play rock-a-bye baby with me like I was a Cabbage Patch doll and, as the story goes, Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows… so will your head! Yes. My cousin dropped me on my head.

Although I never officially ran away to join the circus, I know my parents were both secretly wishing I had. What I have concluded from a more mature and openly reflective standpoint is simple: the word no triggered a mechanism in my head—a mechanism that interpreted the stern advisory into, Do it quickly, while using lucrative tactics, with polite apologies, but no regrets. This mentality, although challenging and dramatic as a child and young woman, carried me further in life than any red balloon ever could have.

During my childhood, we moved all the time. We were extremely poor, so we always relocated to low-class poverty areas, which worked great for my hygiene. I hated wearing shoes and brushing my hair. My mother worked for our entire