Grand Parenting For Compassion & Peace (Parenting in a Grand Way)

Recalling the Lessons of our Grandparents

GRANDPARENTS make life easier. At every stage life is challenging and once one has accepted that, it is easier to cope with reality, particularly when a grandparent is in the picture. With the capacity to save us from the destruction and harshness of life, grandparents are a vital part of our extended family.

A grandparent, even one who is not biologically related, can be a person, if only an image, who has influenced your journey, perhaps for a brief time; who has shown a deep love for you in the midst of days when you didn’t care for yourself; who has given you new skills for problem-solving when you needed a mentor; who has demonstrated a calm presence at the center of the storm; who has offered you the wisdom of peace and social justice when life seems unfair; who as a faithful friend has accepted you when you are alone and depressed by the transitions of life.

At first we had no intention of talking about grandparents. We started out wanting to show the benefits of a concept called Open–choice Parenting and how parents might raise and enjoy children. What occurred to us was that some parents are disappointed in the way their children turned out and would like a second chance to do a better job at parenting. That second chance is possible for grandparents. When it became obvious that their role was compellingly connected to the ethical development of children, we realized that this was not going to be just another ordinary book about parenting.

There are books about increasing the child’s intelligence — her I.Q. There are books about adjusting the emotional maturity of a child for using common sense and making good decisions — his E.Q. What seems to be missing is the ability to measure a child’s S.Q., the spiritual IQ or spiritual quest to engage in peacemaking and justice issues. A lot of talk about family values leaves out the spiritual dimension and how parents might influence their child’s development in making a contribution to peace and justice. This is where grandparents can help deepen the spiritual quest. Consequently, this book will show how open–minded grandparents might use the benefits of Open–choice parenting for boosting the SQ scores of future generations.

The link between values and grandparenting is key to unlocking the hope for a new ethical generation. The subsequent Acts dealing with Self-esteem, Discipline, Communication and Values are connected to the mental, physical, social and spiritual dimensions of parenting, a comprehensive balance to the holistic development of the child. All 23 sections of this book show that one small step in changing parenting skills will result in better behavior and more enjoyment of our children. Raising the Spiritual Quotient of our children is often missing in parenting but grandparents can fill in the gaps by offering a vital link in the discovery of a child’s SQ.

We want to make the link of SQ and liberal values. Parents tend to fall back into their controlling side when dealing with kids but the goal is to search for a more nurturing approach. Why is it so difficult to change our parenting approaches? People become very defensive about their way of raising kids, even when there is some question about the way their child turned out. The goal of development is to round off the hard edges and learn to become more nurturing, yet make our stands when real injustices are involved. The goal of this book is to raise children into loving adults.

The premise of this book is that grandparents have a significant connection in creating children who will be grand because they become ethical human beings. A child is receptive to the ideas that might come from a grandparent and integrates notions about tolerance, ecology and religion from the examples set by elders. The implication is that grandparents can choose a block of time to stay involved, even if they live far away, and they don’t have to be around twenty-four hours a day to affect the ethical development of the child. A Grandparent can become a hero, wizard, genie and mentor to the grandchild or any child and will probably weave in and out of a grandchild’s life to influence the fabric of his or her ethical development.

We have come to the conclusion that grandparenting is a larger issue than simply a vital link with one’s own grandchild. Grandparenting involves loving what is best for each child who crosses our path. Some grandparents relish a second chance to help a child become grand. The reality is that more and more Grandparents are raising the next generation, about sixty percent without two parent families. Thus, this is a book for both grandparents and grand parents! Grandparents have reached a stage in which they are concerned about what happens to future generations. Grandparents bestow their legacy on the next generation because they yearn to continue the human enterprise and live spiritually through those who follow.

Perhaps this yearning for immortality is precisely the vital connection that grandparents feel when the birth of a grandchild is announced. Older adults proudly report their number of grandchildren as if they had yielded a promising crop, but what they are really saying is I will be outlasted. Grandparents report the ache they feel when grandchildren move away and geographical distance disrupts contact with them. Likewise children report that they miss their grandparents. Here is a special relationship, in which each yearns for the other and in which each shares a vital bond that crosses generations.

Of course, all that we have said assumes the presence of healthy grandparenting, which is not always the case. To illustrate, let’s share some personal case studies of two different styles of grandparenting. My appreciation of my grandfather comes on the flipside of first remembering my grandmother.

My grandmother on my Father’s side was the wife of a respected family physician and the mother of three sons — the first born being my father. She was a doer, active in church work and forever busy with household chores, cooking sumptuous meals and putting out laundry to dry with her old Maytag washer, the one with the two rollers that squished the clothes. Monday was the day to do laundry and her schedule never varied, whether it was housecleaning on Tuesdays or watching Lawrence Welk on Sunday TV. When my sister and I would visit my dad, we could expect the familiar. I would walk into the living room and see the two stuffed pheasants, a rooster and hen looking at each other on the china table and appearing so real that I quietly tip–toed around them lest they fly away. I would next check out the picture of cousins, eight stepping stones of photographs according to age and order, and I would sense that I was in the right place. The dark oak dinette table with the fancy crocheted lace was always the same, the center of activity, and the bookshelf carried an encyclopedia of classics and miniature booklets which I would curiously examine. I was in a comfortable zone when I visited Grandma. So it seemed at first, but then this inner turmoil was always stirring beneath the polished and superficial surface. She was a strict follower and enforcer of rules.

Grandma’s departure spoke volumes in learning what not to do, such as avoiding over-controlled persons whom I discovered were not fun to be around, training me to be subversive and to question the authority of unreasonable power, cautioning me to watch out for over–zealous religious types who display their religion but are not authentic in the actions of their faith, seeking to go beyond the stereotypical roles that people play and to avoid the stiffness of respectability and helping me understand that what was not said was more important than what was said. I learned valuable lessons from a strict instructor, although as far as I was concerned she had very little to say.

Obviously. Not any grandparent will do. All of us are engaged in a psychodrama to filter out the bad and remember the good influences of our grandparents. Sometimes we can only feel anger for those individuals who have meant well but tried to control us with their agenda. Gratefully we can offset these negative feelings by images of grandparents who have offered us points of unity, illuminating moments of truth, who have stretched our human potential and made a difference in our lives.

What an illuminating and refreshing contrast I experienced with my maternal grandfather who was kind and gentle. I really don’t know how he got that way, but I suspect that he followed an image of the Christian gentleman. His gentleness seemed to flow from an inner reservoir that was deep and continuously pouring forth the springs of love. My grandpa seemed to process the hurts and losses of life by a steady management of his grief. I could see it in his sensitive eyes: the void in the loss of his wife, the concern for the poverty of our situation and the changes that come with aging. He handled the fragmentation of life with a gentle spirit; that’s what I liked most about him — his gentleness.

Grandpa would take snappy walks. He had a long stride and I would need two fast steps to keep up with every stride. Such walks opened up new adventures around each bend by discovering the variety of tall and stately trees. Each stride would produce an inner cadence, step by step, marching to the heartbeat of creation, that somehow a foot on the ground caused an internal connection with the rhythm of nature. Today I owe my profound appreciation of nature and its healing effects to these meditative walks with my grandpa.

I carry images of my grandparents through the faces of people I meet in the extended family called the church. When I see spiritual giants who live out their lives with compassion and gentleness, I think of my grandfather. When I see hypocritical people who control and use the grapevine to undermine others, then my grandmother comes to mind. When I see someone appreciate leisure in play and meditation, I remember my grandfather, but when I see busyness and attention to triviality, I think about my grandmother. When I see someone of faith care about the suffering of humanity and identify with the oppressed, I think about grandfather, but when I confront unreasonable authority that defends the political status quo, I see my grandmother. I am disappointed that my traditional-minded grandmother wins many of the small battles, but I am implicit in my belief that in the whole range of things my grandfather will have the last word.

What I remember about grandparents will go with me the rest of my life. I was supersensitive to how certain grandparents entered my world, whether they were mean or kind; this much I observed — I preferred the latter. The two images of my grandparents, long gone now, had completely opposite, dipolar influences, both from which I could learn certain lessons about life.

Grandparents have a critical role to play in civilizing a new generation. I repeat, not every grandparent will do. The reality is that not everybody will be like my grandfather. Yet, the goal is to find more healthy approaches to parenting and grandparenting, so that we can prevent the pain and torture that many adults perceive from reliving their childhood. Our focus on grandparenting comes about because grandparents have a second chance to use improved parenting skills. Grandparents have the wisdom to know the difference between what works and what needs to change. Certainly it is better if parents can change the patterns of the way kids are raised, but sometimes it takes a lifetime for parents to grow into grandparents and see alternative values that will do the most good for children. The impact of grandparents in learning the art of parenting for the next generation must not be underestimated.

Because we cannot know the exact shape of the future, we retreat to the sanctuary of grandparents to stabilize our changing lives. We are at the front edge of major transformations that are sending ripple effects throughout our technology, our institutions and our families. Witnessing end of the world cults and the resurgence of right-wing religion, we saw a certain nervousness about entering another Millennium. But we cannot escape change. It is like we are riding a ship on the turbulent, high seas without seeing the land but we need a compass and an awareness of the currents and wind. To avoid sinking we will have to learn to use the principles and maps in the chapters ahead to shape a new standard for child raising. We will call upon grandparents to help us find an ethical compass and map out a strategy by which the next generation will put their feet on land. The landmarks do not have to be all new; grandparents will assist us in finding some things that are old and familiar.

On September 11, 2001 the last entrée of the first edition of this book was written on that fateful day.

We are coming to a critical juncture in our development as a people, perhaps to start over. We spoke of the mystery of September 11. Little did we know that America would be under attack and its military and financial capitals would collapse on September 11, 2001. The response was paralyzing over this smoky destruction of America’s icons of power and raised questions about what disturbs so many about its way of life. America’s values are still under siege, not just from terrorism but from within. The voices of intimidation will evoke fear and an equally opposite reaction. Yet what we learned is how much we don’t know and how vulnerable we are. That will be the first step in reconstructing a different set of values. How do we raise a new generation that transcends the fear, the control and the destruction? We believe that grandparents can be icons of safety and care who lead us through every September 11 and reshape the universal values we allude to in the last portion of this book. We have much to do in living beyond this side of September 11, a horrific day that stood still in our memories.

Little did we know how prophetic this would be, but unfortunately the voices of intimidation became louder and more strident. Of course huge empires do not fall overnight but the props are being taken down one piece at a time because of the fear, the control and the destruction. The 911 attack justified the Iraq and Afghanistan war, the Tea Party control and elevation of corporations. How did this happen? It just seems like we have more power parenting, more persons needing to follow the rules, more uncivil politics demanding control. We have many resorting to fighting when they face overwhelming change, meaning they contribute to a fright–and–fight world.

And even a decade later when Osama bin Laden was found, the attitude toward justice was clearly vindictive, raising questions about seeing how we behave. We need to move people from this aggressive, overcontrolling, vindictive justice to a more graceful, loving, cooperative way of living. How will people grow up to be compassionate, more sensitive to the suffering of the poor? Changing peoples mindset from war and destruction is challenging as long as people are preoccupied by work, which sets up stress about making a living and more competitive values. The shift in values from obsessing over money to more nurturing influences toward the end of the book is a discovery in raising children differently. Liberal grandparents who offer alternatives can become a ground source for nurture and change. Thus, our advocacy for grandparenting.

PART I: SELF–ESTEEM

Making the Best Human Beings

Look into the eyes of a child

And experience the awe

Of beginnings.

PARENTING is one of the most significant jobs that human beings do. We need a revolution in the art of parenting to teach us how to live and love; otherwise, the violence will destroy us. Sometimes we feel powerless in changing the forces of violence within a society, spreading like a raging fire, but this much we can do — impact a society through healthy parenting that will create kinder and more humane interactions. Since violence is also psychological and has to do with the control of others, the way we parent is a starting point in understanding how to eliminate violence. To produce masterpieces like children requires at least an eighteen–year commitment in walking the tightrope balance between developing skills and sensing the intuitive art of parenting — plus a dash of luck.

Who wouldn’t need a dash of luck to counter the behavior of a difficult child? Of course you could have perfectly well adjusted children and then for no apparent reason a child comes on the scene . . . quite different, unbelievably challenging, an annoying life-sentence. Unless the child has obvious health problems or special physical needs, parents may seek an explanation for the child’s strange behavior, which causes them to regroup and devise new strategies for coping. You may be unlucky to have a child that will not respond to any strategy, but generally a child will change behavior with a