Dumb Deutsch: Absurd German Language Errors (auch für deutsche Leser geeignet) by Hermann Observer by Hermann Observer - Read Online

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Dumb Deutsch - Hermann Observer

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to the first German Internet engineer who invents a way to transmit Kaffee und Kuchen over standard TCP/IP.

Preface

Have you ever ordered leather cheese? Have you ever told your cab driver that your hotel is located on One-Way Street? I doubt it. But English speakers trying to speak German say bizarre things like this all the time and I, for one, feel their pain. Acutely, even. They are speaking Dumb Deutsch. And they have no one else to blame but themselves.

It is not that those of us who speak Dumb Deutsch actually intend to say the embarrassing and dumbfounding things we do. We don’t need to. It is inevitable. And it became inevitable the moment we decided to try speaking that awful German language to begin with. And please note the fine distinction here: Although very closely related, German and Dumb Deutsch are two entirely different languages.

The German language is complex, treacherous and terribly difficult to learn. It has three sexes, for crying out loud. It has four or five or maybe even six cases (I forget). It is full of pitfalls, perils, strange idioms and ludicrous aphorisms. There are always one or two super-important exceptions for every iron-clad grammatical rule given. There are insanely long words and even longer sentences, compound words that get chopped up and tossed around indiscriminately and unimaginable word combinations that native German speakers seemingly construct and then discard again at will. Then you have those tricky nuances, those complex distinctions, the false friends, the twisted Anglicisms, those weird noises and all of those strange expressions referring to pigs and shit.

Dumb Deutsch, on the other hand, is relatively straightforward and can be learned in about fifteen minutes. This is because Dumb Deutsch speakers are completely unaware of all those pesky German language complexities just listed above. And this is also why when it is spoken correctly, as in incorrectly, Dumb Deutsch is a never-ending source of confusion, mirth, shame, shock and horror for the German captive audience being forced to listen to it.

So please sit back and enjoy this short collection of bloodcurdling blunders, frightful faux pas and grisly gaffes, all in the Dumb Deutsch original. Many of these were mistakes I made all on my own. Many more have been