Big Book of Fractured Fairy Tales

Big Book of Fractured Fairy Tales

B.D. Knight

http://www.fairytalemania.com

Copyright © 2015 by B.D. Knight

All rights reserved worldwide.

No part of this publication may be replicated, redistributed, or given away in any form without the prior written consent of the author/publisher or the terms relayed to you herein.

These are fairy tales and any resemblance to persons living or dead are coincidental. Really.

I’m known for my horror fiction both for adults and for young adults. I started fracturing fairy tales because I use to love watching Fractured Fairy Tales on the Rocky & Bullwinkle Show.

I needed an occasional break from writing horror so I don’t spend all my evenings checking inside closets and looking under the bed.

In my notes at the end I discuss each story so don’t sneak over there first and read the notes or you’ll spoil the stories.

While you read each story try to figure out if it will end happily ever after . . . or not.

Table of Contents

Knight’s Fairy Tales

The Princess and the Pea

Hansel and Gretel

Little Red Riding Hood

Jack and the Beanstalk

The Gingerbread Man

Notes from Knight

Now What?

Knight’s Fairy Tales – Compiled Collection

WELCOME TO KNIGHT’S Fairy Tales. Let me guess. You are about to read this book because you want to read some fairy tales. Am I psychic or what?

Well my fairy tales vary some from what you’ve read before. You’ll recognize many of the characters and the stories but the tales take on a life of their own. Fairy tale characters tend to show up in other stories and can throw the story for a loop.

There are also some references you may or may not catch the first time you read the stories.

The stories are meant for anyone ten and older but can be enjoyed by any one willing to suspend their concepts of reality. They will bring you more chuckles if you’re familiar with the original tales but even if you’re not, I’ll bet you’ll find yourself cracking up. But beware the endings.

If you’ve read some of the original Grimm’s Fairy Tales you know fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending. When they originally wrote them (really retold them) they were intended for adult readers. They later changed many of the endings to make them end happy and they became favorites of kids.

Still there are older tales by others that skip the happy ever after ending altogether.

Mine? Well some stories end happy, some end so-so, and some . . . some don’t come anywhere near having a happy ending.

I like to keep you guessing. Two of the questions I’m asked most are:

1. Where do you come up with this stuff?

2. Will you be writing more and how soon?

There will be more. There will be a whole lot more.  I decided to compile 5 of my fractured fairy tale books into this single collection Enjoy.

Book 1 – Happily Ever After . . . or Not!

The Princess and the Pea

PRINCE ARROGANT NEEDED a wife. He was having a hard time finding a woman who met his standards. After all, he was a prince and would someday be king.

He visited numerous lands and met with many a fair lady but he felt none was good enough for him. He needed to come up with a plan. Traveling was wearing him down and cooking his own meals pretty much sucked. He would have to come up with a plan and he had to come up with it quickly.

King, he said to his father, who didn’t want to be called father or dad because he was, after all, a king, I need a wife.

So you do Prince.

The king was hung up on titles.

Actually I’m glad to hear you say that. I was beginning to wonder about you. So, have you found any girls who are worthy enough to be your wife?

No I haven’t. I’ve been looking though. There’s a lot of beautiful women out there but so far none is worthy of me. I need someone more like the queen.

He was allowed to call the queen Mom to her face but only when the king wasn’t around. A look of shock appeared on the king’s face. He put his hands up in a stop motion.

No Prince, the queen should not be your role model. She tries to be too independent. You don’t want that. You want a woman who will bow down to you and attend to your every need. Trust me on this prince.

So how do I go about finding a woman like that pops, I mean King,

Slip of the tongue. The king’s eyebrows rose.

I shall have your tongue removed if you call me pops again. Do you understand me?

The prince grimaced. He nodded. It wasn’t an idle threat. That’s how the prince lost one of his sisters. She had made the mistake of calling the king Dad. She mysteriously disappeared but he knew the rumors. He did not want to upset the king.

I’m sorry King. I meant no disrespect.

He needed to change the subject.

Do you think maybe we could throw a ball and invite all the women in the land to attend? I could dance with each one and choose the one that is most worthy of me?

The king had a twinkle in his eye but shook his head.

I had that idea for your older brother. We had quite a turnout. He danced with all the women no matter whether they were pretty or ugly or thin or fat. I joined in on that as well.

That explained the twinkle in his eye.

I pissed off, I mean I angered the queen. Anyway, that’s beside the point. The ball was a disaster.

The prince couldn’t remember the ball so he must have been too young. His brother was ten years older than him.

What happened? he asked.

There was this one family that attended. The woman was ugly and so were her two daughters. Your brother went ahead and danced with them anyway. While he was dancing with one of them his attention turned to a beautiful young lady that wandered in.

The king’s eyes seemed to be glazing over. The prince coughed to snap him out of it.

Ah yes, the young lady was beautiful. We found out later she was a sister to the two ugly girls I told you about. How their ugly mother borne such a beauty is beyond me.

He cleared his throat and rubbed his chin.

Your brother thought he had found the woman of his dreams. They danced the night away and I was proud when your brother kept sneaking in some kisses. I would have loved to have that girl for my daughter in law.

His face turned sad and he looked to the ground. He was silent.

So what happened, King? Is Princess Isabella the girl?

Princess Isabella was his brother’s wife.

Heavens no, boy. I said the girl was beautiful. Princess Isabella looks like she’s been whupped with an ugly stick.

He nodded. It was true. Isabella was not in the same paragraph with beautiful. In fact she was homely, no, she was downright ugly.

So what happened?

The king sadly shook his head.

The clock was striking twelve and I guess the girl, her name was Cinderella, had some kind of clock phobia because horror came over her face and she took off running. She made it outside to the steps and was dashing down them when one of her shoes fell off.

The prince knew his eyes were bulging out but the story excited him.

And he found the shoe and went door to door to find the girl whose foot would fit it? he asked.

No. That probably would have been his plan though. The problem was poor Cinderella broke her neck. That’s how we found out the ugly woman was her mother. Now I don’t believe she really loved Cinderella but she saw dollar signs the moment Cinderella died on the steps.

The ugly woman sued you?

She made threats. It was a hairy situation so I had to handle it the best way I could. I mean it really wasn’t my fault she lost her shoe and fell and was killed. The shoemaker was probably at fault. I had him executed but that solved nothing. The woman still was a threat and I had to fix it.

How did you fix it?

Your brother married one of the ugly sisters.

Ooohhh. Didn’t see that coming. So that’s how Isabella . . . I always wondered what my brother saw in her.

Well now you know. You can also understand why there will be no more balls.

The prince nodded. If he had to marry someone that ugly, he might jump off Rapunzel’s tower.

So what would you suggest, King?"

I have an idea. I was thinking we could stack twelve Temper-Pedic mattresses and place a pea on the bottom. We have girls come over here and sleep on the mattresses. Now you only allow the women that you find attractive to take part. If any of them complains in the morning about not being able to sleep because she felt a small bump in the bed, she will be your wife.

But if each one has to sleep overnight, that could take a long time before we find her. I want to find a woman now so I can –

Would you prefer ending up married to an ugly woman?

The mattress idea sounds like a good one.

+++++

Flyers were distributed near and far and a parade of women made their way to the castle to see if they could bag the prince. All they were told was they would sleep on the twelve mattresses and relay their sleeping experience in the morning.

The prince was picky. He turned away any women he was not attracted to. If he was attracted to her, she was allowed to sleep overnight on the mattresses.

One by one a prospective bride would wake in the morning and tell the prince what a wonderful and restful night’s sleep she had. So one by one they were eliminated.

One day a gorgeous girl with black hair appeared at the door. She was collecting money for a homeless shelter and the prince promised if she would sleep on the mattresses overnight he would give her a healthy donation.

After he assured her she would be sleeping alone, she insisted the seven dwarfs who accompanied her as her body guards also spend the night in the castle. He obliged and crossed his fingers in the morning hoping the pea destroyed her sleep.

She came to the kitchen with her eyes glowing. He wanted to melt. He had never seen a girl so drop dead gorgeous.

How was your sleep Snow White?

I slept like a baby. How could you not with all those mattresses? It seems like overkill. I mean eleven other people could have been enjoying their sleep as well.

He nodded and gritted his teeth as he gave the donation he promised and sent her on her way. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen but obviously she was not worthy of being his wife.

Finally a young woman arrived who was nearly as beautiful as Snow White. He shook his head. That was wishful thinking. But she wasn’t too shabby so he beckoned her to spend the night.

This had been going on for about five months so he wasn’t expecting any different results when she wandered into the kitchen in the morning. He looked at her eyes and they seemed somewhat blood shot. He sat up straight. Maybe this was the one?

How did you sleep last night Miss Muffet?

He had thought it seemed rather pretentious when she had arrived and introduced herself as Miss Muffet. But since she was somewhat on the hot side he overlooked it. She looked a little irritated.

Are you kidding me? she asked. Twelve mattresses and yet I felt a pebble or something under them. You really need better mattresses, Prince.

He jumped from his seat and did a self fist pump.

Boom. Bam, he said exploding his hands apart. Finally! Miss Muffet, I would like to take you as my wife.

He waited for her to begin gushing but she placed her hands on her hips and glared at him.

If you think I’m sleeping on those mattresses again, you’re wrong. If I agree to marry you I’ll need better accommodations or I’ll never get any sleep.

She wagged her finger at him.

And trust me, if I don’t get any sleep you won’t get any sleep either.

He stepped back and cowered. He wanted to tell her that was no way to speak to a prince but he needed a wife. She felt the pea through all those mattresses. She was obviously fit to be royalty.

Yes of course. This was just a test. There was a pea under the mattresses. If anyone felt that pea and did not get a good night’s sleep, they would be worthy of being my wife.

Her eyebrows lifted.

You did that on purpose?

Yes, but I just explained –

That was awfully rude. I was miserable all night.

I know. That’s the point. The test proved you are worthy to be a princess.

She rolled her eyes.

You sir are strange.

He wasn’t expecting a hassle. What young lady in her right mind would not want to be a princess? It wasn’t like he wasn’t good looking or anything. He fancied himself as quite a catch.

So will you be my wife?

Her eyes seemed to be trying to look up into her brain and she was biting her lips like she was trying to decide. Really?

I’ll be your wife under one condition. I don’t like spiders. Someone needs to make certain there are no spiders in this place.

I believe that can be arranged.

+++++

Wedding plans were made in a hurry as the prince was anxious to marry Miss Muffet. She was very fussy and the chambermaids were frustrated by all her commands. She insisted on curds and whey and, since that wasn’t a meal for royalty, they had to make a special trip to the market.

Finally the prince and Miss Muffet were married and lived happily ever after.

NOT.

Miss Muffet complained about everything. The dishes weren’t shiny enough for her to see her face in it. The mattress was too soft and then too firm and never seemed to be just right. The carriage ride was too bumpy so he had to take the carriage to Midas and have special shocks installed. It never ended.

She was friends with Little Red Riding Hood and seemed to spend more time with her than she did with him. He suggested the three of them spend time together but she brushed him off.

The final straw came when they attended a ball for Prince Charming. His jaw dropped to the ground when he saw Snow White sitting next to Prince Charming. Apparently the prince had saved her life, or so the story went. The prince muttered to himself. What was the big deal? He could have removed the apple from her mouth.

Snow White was beautiful and gracious. All the servants seemed to love her. She would greet everyone like they were the only person in the room. When the night ended the prince hugged Snow White. Her smell weakened his body. He put his lips next to her ears.

Snow White, if I would have asked you to marry me when you were at my castle, would you have accepted?

She smiled and nodded.

I might have after a courtship. I found you quite charming at first. But, no offense intended, I’m so glad you didn’t ask me. I mean nothing against you but I didn’t have to prove myself worthy to Prince Charming. He accepted me for who I am.

He grimaced. During the carriage ride home Miss Muffet was jabbering away, complaining about anything and everything.

It was obvious to him that Snow White and Prince Charming would live happily ever after while he would live miserably ever after.

Hansel and Gretel

HANSEL PEEKED THROUGH the bushes.

It’s a house made of candy, he said.

Gretel shoved him and he tumbled into the brush.

Get outta here, she said.

I wish you’d quit doing that.

He managed to get to his feet and brushed his clothes.

That house is made of candy? asked Gretel. What is it doing sitting out here in the middle of the forest?

I don’t know sis but let’s check it out.

Be careful, said Gretel.

She knew there were plenty of traps in Fairy Tale Land. She seemed to recall something about this house but couldn’t quite put her finger on it. They inched closer and both jumped back when the door opened. A little old woman stepped out and flashed them a huge grin.

Visitors? How nice is that? Come on in and have some candy.

Gretel whispered in Hansel’s ear through clenched teeth so the old woman wouldn’t be able to hear what she was saying.

Hansel, she looks like a witch.

What?

I said she looks like a witch.

Could you move your lips so maybe you could speak clearer? I can’t understand you.

I said she looks like a witch, she blurted out much louder than she wanted.

The old woman’s smile turned to a frown and her head dropped.

I’m so sorry dearie. I was just excited to see visitors. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’ll go inside but please feel free to take some candy from my house if you like.

The old woman turned and walked slowly to the door. Gretel felt a pang of guilt in her gut. The woman did seem friendly even though she really did look like a witch. Hansel nudged her.

Apologize to her Gretel.

What? Unclench your teeth and talk right.

I said apologize to her.

Gretel gave him a whatever wave with her hands.

Ma’am, she said.

The old woman turned and seemed to force a half smile.

I’m so sorry ma’am. I didn’t mean . . . We have a little time to visit you if you like.

A smile swept over the old woman’s face.

Oh that’s so nice of you. Come in. Come in.

Gretel still felt uneasy but she took Hansel’s arm and they followed the woman inside.

Look at all this candy, whispered Hansel. Maggie would be pissed if she knew we was about to gorge down on candy.

Maggie was their stepmother and she was what Gretel would consider a witch. She didn’t like the kids and she made no bones about it. She was the reason they were stuck in the forest. Their father had very little money and Maggie talked him into dropping them off in the forest so they could not find their way home. That way they wouldn’t have to share food with the kids.

Gretel had overheard the conversation. She wasn’t surprised Maggie came up with the idea but never thought her father would consent. It didn’t matter now. What mattered was it had been three days since they last ate.

I know, she said. It will make it so much sweeter.

You kids just help yourself. I was going to get the oven going and make dinner. Could I entice you two to join me?

Hansel was in the process of shoving a candy cane down his throat. He nodded.

Mummphf, he said.

Hansel, said Gretel.

He was embarrassing her. The old woman was laughing.

Oh leave the boy alone. He’s fine. There’s no wrong way to eat candy.

Something about the woman’s laugh sent chills down Gretel’s spine. She shrugged. She might as well enjoy the candy because it might be the only time they got to eat for awhile.

The old woman made them a huge meal of pancakes with syrup and plenty of fruit.

This’ll put some meat back on your bones, she said.

The two of them ate like they had never eaten before. Gretel forgot the eerie laugh the old woman had made earlier. The pancakes were delicious.

I’m sorry I have no meat to offer you, she said. I finished off the last of the bacon and ham a few days ago.

Gretel stopped chewing. Bacon? Ham? Before Maggie and their father had brought them to the woods, she remembered reading that one of the Three Little Pigs had been missing for over a week and there were no traces of him. Little Jack Horner had claimed he saw the pig wandering into the forest.

Maybe? No, it couldn’t be. It was a coincidence.

Now kids, it’s getting late. I will make up a place for you to sleep.

Gretel shook her head.

No ma’am, that’s ok. We don’t want to impose any more. We’ll be on our way.

It’s pretty dark out there Gretel, said Hansel. The last few nights were pretty spooky. I think we should hang around."

Gretel felt nervous about staying. Hansel was right though. There had been howling and hoots and all sorts of eerie sounds the couple nights they had spent in the forest. But could they trust this old woman?

Now I won’t hear of you heading out in the dark. The woods are dangerous at night. I insist you spend the night and in the morning I’ll make you a big breakfast and then you may leave if you want to.

Gretel wanted to say no and leave but Hansel’s eyes were pleading with her and he