Ever. After.

Florida 2007, Age 43 years

Even on a day when everything feels like its falling into place, even on a day when you might just be feeling lucky, even then something life altering can swoop in and consume you. And change it all.

An ambulance is parked in front of an office complex in Palm Beach, Florida. The red and white lights are flashing with its back doors open. A gurney is rolled out from the complex with two EMT’s attending.

There is a young woman lying on the gurney, she has dark shoulder length hair, is wearing a blue striped blouse and navy blue trousers and a walking cast on her right foot.

The woman is me. I am 43 years old.

I had only been in an ambulance once before this while transferring my grandfather from a hospital in Westchester to Sloan- Kettering. Other than that, never until now.

As the gurney rolled and bounced out of the office I recalled how the events of that day had begun just as any other. The telephone on my desk in the doctor’s office in Palm Beach rang. It was Mr. Peters - not Old Mr. Peters, but his adult son who had just returned from Los Angeles back to Palm Beach. In his most recent carnation he was a movie producer. He had been a hedge fund investor before that, and he was a philanthropist even before that. He was calling in to get a prescription for pain medicine for a back issue.

"I am sorry Mr. Peters. The doctor is at a conference this weekend. He will be back

Monday. If you are unable to wait, there is always the emergency room…"

But Mr. Peters wasn’t happy.

I handed the telephone to our Physician’s assistant Joel, hoping that maybe he could fix things. Joel smelled like a combination of old coffee and cigarettes from his two hour long ride to work. I held my breath as I handed him the phone as the smell made me queasy.

After that call, things calmed down and we got back to work. I stood between my desk and the filing cabinet. I finally had found some time to catch up on the filing that sat in a pile on the corner of my desk. Joel sat at the Doctor’s desk in the office just beyond where I was. The door was open.

I stopped to take a sip of my Starbuck’s Mocha Frappaccino. I had them stashed at home and here in the office.

Ever, there’s an article here you might be interested in reading… Joel said.

Oh? What is it? I asked now standing across the desk from he him trying to read it upside down.

He looked up and saw me squinting and laughed.

Patience, I am almost finished.

It was then that I felt a sharp pain in at the back base of my skull.

Ow! I held it.

What is it? Joel asked.

My head. I, I don’t know.

I rubbed the spot and I turned to walk back to my desk.

Every thing was fine. And then suddenly it wasn’t. I stood beside my big black leather desk chair and heard rushing sounds; as if I was underneath waves breaking over me. The water was rushing. It was drowning me. I couldn’t see. I was not able to catch my breath. I tried to come up for air but could not. I started to sweat. I was sweating so much I was suddenly dripping wet.

What is happening? I heard myself asking myself.

Something’s very wrong, hearing my own voice inside of my head.

I clutched the chair but was so dizzy I could no longer stand. I sat down in the big black chair that seemed to hug me.

As I leaned back everything went black. I couldn’t see. I wasn’t sure that my eyes were even open. So I opened them to check. Only black.

No I told myself. The rushing and the black were taking over. I was having trouble catching my breath.

Keep breathing. I told myself. This is all wrong.

I felt like I was being sucked away. I still heard the water rushing. Maybe it isn’t water I thought.

Open your eyes! I yelled inside of my head.

The rushing stopped.

Open your eyes. I coached.

When I did open them, the color had come back but the world was spinning around and what I saw was little pieces all mirroring themselves – nothing was where it should have been; spinning like a kaleidoscope. My eyes wouldn’t focus. They darted back and forth forcing me to close them again.

Breathe, please breathe. I begged myself.

Help...it was just myself, and the Physician’s Assistant Joel working in the doctor’s office that day, and he didn’t hear my whisper. I almost didn’t hear me.

Help please.

Did you say something? He called from the next office.

Help I tried to make him hear me but I wasn’t sure that he did.

By then I had grabbed the small metal trash can from under my desk and begun to throw up like I had never thrown up in my life.

Bathroom. I mumbled.

He helped me stand. We walked across the tiny office to the small white tiled bathroom. I closed the door behind me but did not lock it. I struggled to pull down my pants, which stuck to me drenched with sweat and sat down on the toilet. I clutched the trash basket and leaned forward throwing up into it while having diarrhea.

Please make it stop. I thought to myself.

As bad as I smelled I almost didn’t care because it felt far worse than I smelled.

I don’t know how long I was in there.

Hospital I tried to call out through the closed door.

Do you want me to give you something for the nausea? Asked Joel.

No. Don’t know what’s wrong.

I knew it was bad, because I couldn’t stop throwing up. It would not stop.

Call Tanner, tell him ambulance please.

I was still sitting the toilet in the tiny bathroom leaning over the trash can throwing up when the paramedics arrived. My shirt was soaked with sweat and my pants were sticking to me.

Can you open the door? said a man’s voice from outside the door.

What's her name? I heard him ask.

Ever

What's her real name? You know, her given name?

That is her real name. Her mother was a hippie. Replied Joel. I opened the door.

Sorry... I smell bad... I whispered. They just stared.

They helped me on to the gurney. The world was spinning around and around and around. I had to close my eyes.

Please make it stop... I said. No one answered.

Ever, OPEN your eyes! A paramedic said strongly.

Mmm, can’t

What did you take?

Nothing

Answer me!!

I tried to make the words come out. I heard myself say them in my head...but they did not come out of my mouth. While I wasn’t crying I felt a tear trickling from my eye down my cheek.

Slowly I tell him which medications I take, Asthma inhaler, prednisone

Wait you have asthma? I nod.

Darvocet, Flonase

What’s the Darvocet for?

I point to my foot in the walking cast.

Nerve pain.

Did you take too much?

I shook my head no.

One pill. I spoke slowly and held up one finger.

I listen to each slow deliberate word as I speak it.

My head hurts.

I hear them talking about my throwing up and how my stomach must be the problem maybe it was something I ate or took

My head hurts. I say to them, again.

I am saying the words but they are not hearing me.

They yell at me to open my eyes and speak clearly. I thought I was – but I find that

I am not doing either.

The gurney was uncomfortable. It was hard and narrow. In my dizziness and loss of balance it felt like I was about to fall off. Also it felt as if they were bouncing me around. The world was spinning and I closed my eyes so that maybe the spinning would stop but it didn’t. The Paramedic gave me oxygen.

Could you be pregnant? the Paramedic demanded.

"Hm?’ The oxygen feels good. It is nice cold air and it seems to make it easier for me to catch my breath. The quiet hissing sound is calming, too.

I said could you be pregnant?

I slowly struggled to get the words out without throwing up at the same time.

I guess I could be.

I am not kidding. He said impatiently.

Me neither. I whispered - but he didn’t hear me - Me either I formed the words more carefully and let them escape my mouth.

Open your eyes. He ordered.

Is this how they talk to a sick person? Please just leave me alone, begged the voice inside my head.

Open your eyes. He repeated.

Can’t dizzy I replied. Each time I opened them the world spun. I threw up in the container they had handed me. All I was able to smell was the smell of my own vomit.

The cool oxygen really felt good. I clutched my asthma inhaler tightly just in case.

The ride to the hospital was bouncy, and the ambulance stopped short and started with force- it pounded my head, and the world kept spinning. Whatever this was I had the feeling that it wasn’t good. I leaned back and closed my eyes, waiting for the ride to be over and for it all to stop. I tried to remember to breathe. My eyes grew heavy as I felt my head lean back. I fought it but felt myself begin to drift off…

The best present...ever

Flashback to New York 1967, Age 3.5 years old

Katie came to stay with us at our house in Tarrytown to take care of us because Mommy couldn’t. She had to stay in bed. We were allowed visit her once a day - unless we snuck in and there wasn’t much chance for us to do that. Dad said that Mommy looked like a beached whale lying there. We didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She was pretty big. It seemed like she was in bed forever. It also seemed like we had to be quiet ... forever.

I was almost four and Cain was almost three, and I was very excited to get my own baby. The baby was going to have it’s own room. I had to share one with Cain. Mommy had stood on the kitchen stool that she kept hidden behind the bathroom door and painted on our white bedroom wall. She painted a really big Charlie Brown and Linus because of Cain. She said he reminded her of them. She did it during the day when Daddy was at work because he didn’t want her climbing things. I asked Mommy to paint Snoopy and Woodstock in our room too.

It’s not your turn to pick. She explained. The way she said it made it sound as if it never would be.

I kept my baby dolls on my side of the room, because Cain liked to take their clothes off and draw on them. He didn’t get into any trouble with Mommy. And she wouldn’t ever tell Daddy.

I’ll handle it. She said. Your father will kill him.

We built blocks and Lincoln logs, but Cain always knocked them down. We played games but when he didn’t win he threw the pieces. If I said yes he said no. The new baby wouldn’t do these things, I was sure of it. Maybe I could move into its room and share that room, instead.

Katie usually lived up upstate near the Sommersea Hotel, where Grandma and Grandpa lived. She was around Grandma’s age and had worked for her forever. She was part grandma, part commander of the house and part commander of us. She had the biggest smile ever and a wig collection for special occasions. Katie didn’t bring any of her wigs when she came to live with us. I kind of wished she had. Sometimes she let me try one on. She only wore her fancy uniforms and her wigs when Grandma had parties or dinners.

Katie, Mommy has a wig too. Want to see it? I know where she keeps it.

Sometimes when no one was looking I would go in to Mommy’s bathroom drawer take it out of the shiny black patent leather case and try it on. Occasionally I added some coral lipstick too. One time Cain followed me and made a clown face over his own with the lipstick. Coral lipstick was really hard to get off. My secret was over.

Then it finally happened. Our parents weren’t there one day when we got back from nursery school. Katie tried to keep us busy, but I kept running to look out of the kitchen window to see if they were here yet. Days went by. Then they were there in the doorway and Mommy was holding a pink plastic baby carrier up high over her head.

Do you want to see your baby sister? She asked.

My baby I liked the sound of that. I had been waiting forever.

This is Ellie.

And then she picked her little head up and looked at us.

Hi I said standing on my tiptoes to get a good look.

She looked a lot like me when I was a baby in the pictures they