Because I Said So

Because I Said So!

My Life … MOM?!, Book 1

Michelle Hoppe

Published 2018 by Book Boutiques.

ISBN: 978-1-944003-49-4

Copyright © 2018, Michelle Hoppe.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of Book Boutiques.

This book is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, locales, or events is wholly coincidental. The names, characters, dialogue, and events in this book are from the author’s imagination and should not to be construed as real.

Manufactured in the USA.

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Blurb

Do the words "What's for dinner? make you cringe? Are you tired of one-word answers from the teenager in the house? These hilarious stories are a laugh-out-loud look at everyday life. From A construction company…what were we thinking? to My Big, Fat Tongue," you won't be able to put this one down.

Because I Said So! by comedy author Michelle Hoppe is a look into the ups and downs of raising a family, while attempting to become an author. Take a peek into the family life of the Hoppe clan and discover how Michelle turned everyday life into delightfully funny stories.

Michelle was blessed with the ability to view life through rose tinted glasses. Unlike Claire Tomalin, who said "My life was a sort of series of random disasters, Michelle's life, with her twisted sense of humor and a madcap home crew, is more a series of random by the seat of your pants motherhood".

Growing up, Michelle loved to read books by Erma Bombeck; books like If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits and Motherhood taught her to look for the humor in life. Michelle's favorite Erma quote "When humor goes, there goes civilization!" seemed like a call to action, so this comedy autobiography is her contribution to the continuation of mankind—oops, personkind!

Previously Published

(2016) Book Boutiques | Original Title: The jOYs of Life

Dedication

To my family and friends who made these stories possible. Oh, and thanks to all of you for not making me change the names to protect the innocent.

To Mike Feury, who years ago suggested I start an Author Life page and share my twisted take on life with the world. His encouragement, snarky responses, and brow beating were a driving force in getting this book done. Thanks Mike!

Acknowledgements

Editor: Theresa Fanchin

Cover Artist: Valerie Tibbs, Tibbs Design

Introduction

In 1995, my husband and I uprooted our three children, much to their disgust, and moved them to the state of Washington. Our oldest daughter Nicole, age 13, was convinced we’d lost our minds and ruined her life. The middle child, also a daughter Renae, age 11, was at least open to the possibility that things might be okay as long as she got her own room in the new house. The youngest, a son James, age 3, didn’t really express his feelings in full sentences, he just wanted the front seat for the drive to our new home.

All packed and ready to take the state of Washington by storm, we headed north and settled into small town life. Of course it didn’t take long for the kids to discover they were right, we had lost our minds. Not only did it rain…a lot…it was also very different living on the Washington coast versus the San Francisco Bay area. There were still bridges, although much smaller, and the ocean was still close, but colder! And if you had asked Nicole…life sucked.

For me, life was definitely easier—no crowds, no traffic, no six hour commutes. But, there was also no opera, no ballet, and no symphony—I’d arrived on another planet. It was like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ, we were no longer in Kansas. I remember telling my sister we’d discovered the point where the universe ends…and now lived 3 miles past that point.

It took a few years to adjust. I didn’t grow webbed-feet, I learned to live without the annual theater season, and discovered I had time to indulge my passion for writing. When Renae graduated from high school, I finally had time to wear my fingers to the bone on a computer keyboard.

My first romance novel was published in 2003 and in the following 4 years, 8 more books followed. It was during this time I started writing snippets about the daily craziness, also known as life in the Hoppe house, on my publisher’s forum in a thread called Author Life. It didn’t take long to build a following of fans waiting with bated breath for the next installment of football, life with a teenage boy in the house, grandchildren, marriage, and divorce. Over the next several years Author Life was a staple part of my writing diet. Many people told me I should put these stories into book form, and after some soul searching and discussions with my family and friends, to determine if I needed to change the names to protect the innocent, I decided to take their advice, and Because I Said So! was born.

It is my hope that by sharing these stories, people will see that humor can be found in most of the oy veys life dishes out; and if not, at least you can enjoy mine ~smiles~.

A Construction Company!

… What were we thinking?

It’s 6:17 a.m. and I’ve been out of my nice warm bed for almost an hour. Had to get up early to get much needed information out of my husband’s brain so I could get the job invoicing done today, or we would all be eating off the dollar menu at the local quick-stop store for breakfast, lunch, and dinner next week.

Grumbling about the fact it was still dark outside, I reminded him that as the boss he could change the hours if he wanted to … His new summer hours, 6:30 a.m. to whenever the cows come home—no wait, that’s construction workers come home—are a real drag. He didn’t seem too interested in discussing the issue, so I snapped off another smart-assed comment, while making the bed, which I would much rather be climbing back into. Once the sheets were straightened and the pillows plumped, I headed to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, hitting the start button on my computer along the way.

Ten minutes later, as I sat at my desk waiting for him to give me the updates on jobs, I realized I should have stayed in bed. The love of my life, the man I married and worked alongside for years, sat at his desk writing out all the needed info on the estimate sheets.

So, I’m sitting here, fingers poised on the keyboard, waiting for him to give up all the secrets of the jobs. What was added, what the owners decided not to do, what price adjustments were agreed to, and all the while he is furiously scribbling the information between already crowded lines on original documents.

Silently I wait for him to look up from his desk, glance my way, and see the expression on my face, which I’ve been trying to hold for what seems like hours. I think my face is frozen, a look of wonderment and disgust forever etched there. Finally, he turns to hand me several pages of hand written scribble, What? he inquires upon finally noticing the look on my face.

I got up at the crack before dawn for this and you have the nerve to ask me what? I’ll tell you what, buddy.

As my tirade continued in less than lady-like fashion, he started to smile, stood and walked over to my desk. You would think after thirty one years, I’d have seen all the questionable looks my husband could screw his face into, however the one he gave me this morning was a new one. Maybe he gets up in the middle of the night and practices in front of a mirror. However he does it, I can tell you, at 6:40 in the morning my mood is less receptive to his looking at me like I’ve lost my senses.

Taking my hands, he pulled me to a standing position, his eyes laughing, he said, Nope this is why you got up at the crack of dawn.

Wow, what a kiss. Okay, so I’m easy, sue me.

After hubby departed for the job site, I took a shower, drank two more cups of coffee, and in normal fashion … got sidetracked. It was mid-afternoon when I finally returned to the task of invoicing and started trying to decipher the scribbled comments my dear hubby felt compelled to squeeze between the single spaced lines of the estimate forms.

After many grueling minutes with a magnifying glass, I was able to recreate everything he wanted to