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    Hot Mess Express
    Hot Mess Express
    Hot Mess Express
    Ebook241 pages2 hours

    Hot Mess Express

    By John Locke

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Vicky Armstrong, a famous, powerful executive, wants Dani Ripper to find her missing grandson, and Dani’s eager for the case. Unfortunately, gangster Vinny The Prick’s new girlfriend has also gone missing, and Dani can’t say no to The Prick. Can she find a way to work both cases at the same time? Of course not! And yet...

    Hot Mess Express merges a hilarious road trip with a deadly, edge-of-your-seat revenge thriller that will keep you guessing till the very end.

    PRELIMINARY REVIEWS:

    “I’ve never met John Locke and don’t know a soul who has, but I picture him locked away in a rubber room deep below the earth’s surface laughing maniacally as he punches the keyboard for hours at a time in hundred-words-per-minute bursts. I bet he takes infrequent breaks, and only to engage in deep, philosophical conversations with the occasional passing bug. In short, he’s a nut, and of course I enjoyed Hot Mess Express, or whatever it’s called. I love them all, God help me!”

    “Unlike the typical Dani Ripper books, this novel has all the elements of a Donovan Creed and Dr. Box, to go with the zaniness of Dani’s character.”

    “The Lenny-Vicky subplot was riveting. Once it started, I was thoroughly invested in the story. Loved the twists and turns!”

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJohn Locke
    Release dateJun 17, 2017
    ISBN9781937656102
    Hot Mess Express
    Author

    John Locke

    John Locke kommt 1632 im englischen Wrington zur Welt. Nach dem Besuch der Westminster School in London studiert Locke bis 1658 in Oxford. Zwischen 1660 und 1664 lehrt er dort Philosophie, Rhetorik und alte Sprachen. Sein enzyklopädisches Wissen und seine Studien in Erkenntnistheorie, Naturwissenschaften und Medizin bringen ihm früh die Mitgliedschaft in der Royal Society ein. Als Sekretär und Leibarzt des Earl of Shaftesbury ist Locke in Folge der politischen Machtkämpfe in England gezwungen, ins holländische Exil zu fliehen. Erst 1689 kehrt er nach England zurück und widmet sich auf seinem Landgut seinen Studien. Im selben Jahr erscheint anonym Ein Brief über Toleranz, der die ausschließliche Aufgabe des Staates im Schutz von Leben, Besitz und Freiheit seiner Bürger bestimmt. Die hier formulierten Ideen finden in der amerikanischen Unabhängigkeitserklärung ihren politischen Widerhall. Lockes Hauptwerk, der Versuch über den menschlichen Verstand, erscheint erst 1690 vollständig, wird aber vermutlich bereit 20 Jahre früher begonnen. Es begründet die Erkenntnistheorie als neuzeitliche Form des Philosophierens, die besonders in der französischen Aufklärung nachwirkt. Locke lehnt darin Descartes' Vorstellung von den eingeborenen Ideen ab und vertritt einen konsequenten Empirismus. Aus der theoretischen Einsicht in die Begrenztheit der Erkenntnisfähigkeit ergibt sich für Locke die Forderung, daß sich weder ein Staatssouverän noch eine Glaubensgemeinschaft im Besitz der allein gültigen Wahrheit wähnen darf. Der mündige Bürger, der in der Lage ist, kritisch selbst zu entscheiden, wird konsequenterweise zum pädagogischen Ziel Lockes. John Locke stirbt 1704 als europäische Berühmtheit auf seinem Landsitz in Oates.

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      Book preview

      Hot Mess Express - John Locke

      Hot Mess Express

      (A Dani Ripper Novel 6)

      By

      John Locke

      This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental.

      This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you are reading this eBook and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return it and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

      HOT MESS EXPRESS

      Copyright © 2017 John Locke. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the author or publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.

      The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

      Cover Designed by: Claudia Jackson

      Copyright © ShutterStock_382939978

      Published by John Locke Books, LLC

      Visit the author’s websites:

      http://www.daniripper.com

      http://www.donovancreed.com

      ISBN 978-1-937656-10-2 (eBook)

      ISBN 978-1-937656-11-9 (Paperback)

      Version 2017.06.16

      Medical Warning:

      Talk to your doctor before beginning a John Locke series, as studies have shown them to be habit-forming and highly addictive. Do not read Locke if you suffer from high blood pressure or other heart-related issues, as readers often experience mood swings, increased pulses, elevated heart rates, and have reported unexpected shifts in body position that take them to the edge of their seats. Do not drive or use machinery while reading Locke novels.

      Locke novels are not for everyone, and may cause serious reactions including insomnia, night terrors, and uncontrollable, maniacal laughter. Tell your doctor right away if you have these, or if you experience unusual changes in your behavior including heightened sexual urges, palpitations, or prolonged erections. Common side effects include confusion, hysteria, and trouble swallowing a given premise.

      Do not drink alcohol while reading Locke novels, though those with a history of drug or alcohol abuse may be more prone to understanding the material. Adverse reactions to Locke novels may include nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, severe itching, rectal bleeding, purple spots under the skin, and Jimmy Legs. In extreme cases, readers have reported laughing so hard they not only shit their pants, but other’s pants, as well. Upon completing a Locke series be prepared to experience symptoms of withdrawal, including fear, anger, extreme sadness, and moderate to severe depression.

      Ask your doctor today if John Locke novels are right for you!

      John Locke

      New York Times Best Selling Author

      Guinness World Record Holder for eBook Sales!

      Fastest Author in History to sell 1,000,000 eBooks!

      8th Member of the Kindle Million Sales Club

      (Members include James Patterson, George R.R. Martin, and Lee Child)

      John Locke had 4 of the top 10 eBooks on

      Amazon/Kindle at the same time, including #1 and #2!

      …Had 6 of the top 20 books at the same time!

      …Had 8 books in the top 43 at the same time!

      …Has written 33 books in five years in six separate genres,

      All best-sellers!

      …Has been published throughout the world in numerous languages

      by the world’s most prestigious publishing houses!

      …Winner, Second Act Magazine’s Story of the Year!

      ...Named by Time Magazine as one of the Stars of the DIY-Publishing Era

      Wall Street Journal: John Locke (is) transforming the ‘book’ business

      Donovan Creed Series:

      Lethal People

      Lethal Experiment

      Saving Rachel

      Now & Then

      Wish List

      A Girl Like You

      Vegas Moon

      The Love You Crave

      Maybe

      Callie’s Last Dance

      Because We Can!

      This Means War!

      Emmett Love Series:

      Follow the Stone

      Don’t Poke the Bear

      Emmett & Gentry

      Goodbye, Enorma

      Rag Soup

      Spider Rain

      Dani Ripper Series:

      Call Me!

      Promise You Won’t Tell?

      Teacher, Teacher

      Don’t Tell Presley!

      Abbey Rayne

      Hot Mess Express

      Dr. Gideon Box Series:

      Bad Doctor

      Box

      Outside the Box

      Boxed In!

      Other:

      Kill Jill

      Casting Call

      When David Died

      Sorority Girl

      Daisy & Bobby

      Kindle Worlds:

      A Kiss for Luck (Kindle Only)

      Non-Fiction:

      How I sold 1 Million eBooks in 5 Months!

      Dedication:

      To everyone who dies or gets hurt in this story:

      It wasn’t my fault, but I’m sorry anyway!

      —Love, Dani

      PS:

      Although a dog, a horse, a moose, and robin eggs

      are briefly mentioned, no animals (other than humans)

      were harmed!

      Hot Mess Express

      (A Dani Ripper Novel 6)

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      Part One: Dani Ripper

      1.

      2.

      3.

      4.

      5.

      Part Two: Vicki Armstrong

      1.

      2.

      3.

      4.

      5.

      6.

      7.

      8.

      Part Three: Dani & Dillon

      1.

      2.

      3.

      4.

      5.

      6.

      7.

      8.

      9.

      10.

      11.

      12.

      Part Four: Vicki & Lenny

      1.

      2.

      3.

      Part Five: Dani & Dillon.

      1.

      2.

      3.

      4.

      5.

      6.

      Part Six: Vicki & Lenny

      1.

      2.

      Part Seven: Dani & Dillon

      1.

      2.

      3.

      4.

      Part Eight: Vicki & Lenny

      1.

      2.

      Part Nine: Dani & Sophie

      1.

      2.

      AUTHOR’S NOTE

      Epilogue

      Sophie and Daisy (The Lost Chapters):

      Part One: Dani Ripper

      1.

      I may not be the world’s worst driver, but I’m probably ranked. You’d think by now people would accept it and stop shaking their fists and flashing their middle fingers.

      But no.

      People are rude, crude, creatures of habit.

      My attitude: if you don’t like my driving, stay off the sidewalk. Plus, I’m getting better. I only had two scares on the way to my office just now, and even avoided hitting a careless pedestrian while parking. Now, entering the foyer, I realize two things: one, it’s 5:40 p.m., which means I’m ten minutes late for my appointment with Addie Fencepost, and two, the strange caterwauling I heard all the way down the hall is my business partner, Dillon, singing at the top of his lungs.

      At first glance, you might think Dillon and I are mismatched: I’m 25 and worldly; he’s 19 and socially inept. But he’s also a computer genius, and when you’re a private detective like I am, it’s essential to have a partner who can hack NASA, should the need arise.

      Dillon acknowledges my presence but continues singing.

      Stop! I shout.

      What’s wrong?

      I can’t believe you’re singing that nasty penis song.

      He stops abruptly. "Penis song?"

      "You were singing A Higher Place, right? By Adam Levine?"

      What about it?

      Well don’t laugh, but until that song came out I never even knew he was gay.

      Dillon looks at me with genuine pity in his eyes. Dani, we’ve been through this a thousand times: you can’t be trusted with song lyrics.

      I’m not the one who writes those vile songs.

      True. You’re just the one who misinterprets them.

      "What’s to misinterpret? Line one says, and I quote: ‘I don’t know why I don’t see a penis in this town.’ Now try to defend that."

      "Well, for your information Adam Levine is not gay, and the actual words are: ‘I don’t know why I don’t see hap-pi-ness in this town."

      I frown. Are you sure about that?

      Totally. By the way, you’re late.

      So’s Ms. Fencepost.

      Who?

      Our new client. Addie Fencepost.

      "Where’d you get that name?"

      I saw the email: Ms. Addie Fencepost.

      I see. Well, once again you’ve misinterpreted. Her name is Ms. Addiefenspoes. First name Jane.

      You didn’t write Jane.

      I didn’t know her first name till she arrived.

      Glancing around the empty reception area, I can’t help but notice the empty desk where our receptionist, Fanny, will sit on the hallowed day she decides to show up for work, which may not be in my lifetime. Nor is there anyone else in the room, which prompts me to ask: Did Jane leave or is she invisible?

      She’s in your office, using the bathroom.

      I give him a stern look. "Not my private bathroom!"

      The same.

      The icy look in my eyes makes him defensive: What was I supposed to say? She likes her privacy.

      "What about my privacy?"

      I couldn’t deny her. She’s a big woman.

      That’s a copout, Dillon.

      No, it isn’t. You’ll see. Under his breath, he adds, Prepare yourself.

      I frown, and start marching toward my office, but stop short upon hearing a sudden crash, followed by the loud clattering you’d expect if a giant gorilla dumped a drawer full of your finest silverware upside down into your bathtub. Except that I have neither a bathtub, nice silverware, nor a gorilla. And anyway, this sound was louder than that. So loud, I’m forced to retreat to the lobby shouting, "Dear God, what is that racket?"

      She’s peeing.

      I’m serious, Dillon.

      So am I. That’s why I was singing so loudly.

      It was quiet till just now.

      She was gearing up for another go.

      The sound from my bathroom intensifies and reminds me of the time I got my car keys stuck in the garbage disposal but couldn’t turn it off because someone set off my car alarm at the same time. I yell, "What’s happening in there? It’s louder than an air raid siren!"

      "She’s peeing!" he shouts. I couldn’t hear him, but I’m a prodigious lip-reader.

      I put my hands over my ears and shout: That’s not pee!

      I promise! he yells back. She calls it her Afternoon Constitutional!

      I shout like I’m in the woods, trying to find a lost dog: How long is this gonna go on?

      I don’t know! But if it’s like her first time, it’s gonna get worse!

      We exit the reception area, close the door behind us, and remain in the hall, where I notice some of the building’s other tenants have gathered at the far end. When they see us, they take aggressive postures and start yelling, but of course, I can’t hear a word they’re saying. I hit the side of my head to make my ears stop ringing, then ask, She had to pee twice in ten minutes?

      She’s taking some sort of diuretic.

      Suddenly, impossibly, the sound gets louder.

      Christ almighty! I scream. It sounds like either— I search my mind for a suitable description and come up with: A hailstorm on a tin roof…or a hurricane passing through Venetian blinds.

      He shrugs. She’s a big woman.

      She’s sandblasting my toilet bowl! I listen another minute, then say, I can’t do this. When she’s finished, tell her whatever her case is, we can’t take it.

      Why not?

      I can’t work for a woman who pees like that. It’s not natural. As I head to my car I call back over my shoulder, If she’s not out of there in ten minutes, call an ambulance. If she is, call a cleaning crew and have them scrub every square inch of my bathroom.

      He follows me all the way to my car before saying, It’s nearly six. How am I gonna get a cleaning crew to show up after hours?

      Tell them it’s an emergency, and I’m willing to pay overtime.

      Where are you going now?

      I’m meeting Sofe for drinks, remember? Then we’re going someplace fancy for dinner.

      I thought you guys were meeting up at seven.

      We are, but I’m willing to start early.

      As I climb into my car, he says, Be careful, Dani.

      I close the door, lower the window. What do you mean?

      You’re dressed to kill. You know how guys can be. Why are you smiling?

      I lock my eyes onto his. Were you checking out my ass just now?

      His face reddens.

      Jesus, Dillon!

      What do you expect? he says. I’m nineteen. And anyway, it’s a compliment.

      I motion him to come closer. When he leans down, I kiss his cheek and say, This isn’t the first time I’ve caught you staring.

      What do you mean?

      Last week, in the grocery store you were checking out that girl’s ass.

      Which one?

      I give him a look. You know which one.

      "Why do you care?"

      I shake my head. A young lady, working in a grocery store? It’s a crap job, Dillon. She probably has a kid at home and bills she can’t pay. She shouldn’t have to worry about some pervert staring at her ass.

      "She’s not worried about it. She never even saw me."

      That doesn’t make it right. I study his face a moment. You don’t get it, do you?

      What?

      You have no idea what it’s like to worry every day that some nasty creep is checking you out, or sitting in a car flashing you, or masturbating when you walk by.

      "Well, speaking only for myself, I’d love it!" he says.

      "What?"

      "If some nasty creep lady wants me to watch her masturbate, or wants to flash me, I’ll be thrilled!"

      I nearly say something I’ll regret, but catch myself just in time. Instead, I say, I love you, Dillon.

      I know.

      But think about what I said, okay?

      Sure. You too, he says.

      2.

      I’m in Gear, one of Nashville’s trendiest hotspots, waiting for my roommate, Sophie (Sofe) Alexander. As I slowly sip my second drink

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