Thriving Through Life’S Storms: One Woman’S Journey of Overcoming Hardships

Copyright © 2013 by Nina Vera-Vida

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American copyright conventions. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Although the author and her family experienced all events described in this memoir, the names and identities of nonfamily members described herein have been changed to protect the privacy of those individuals.

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The information, ideas, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Before following any suggestions contained in this book, you should consult your personal physician or mental health professional. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.

All nature photographs within this book were taken by Branka Ljubicic, the author’s mother. Used with permission.

Front-cover image, back-cover photograph of the author and her guide dog, Zuri, and We Can Do It photo of the author were all taken by Dmitri Belyi. Used with permission.

ISBN: 978-1-4759-7176-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-7177-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-7178-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013900953

iUniverse rev. date: 02/11/2013

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction

1

Move Past the Tendency to Judge

2

Say Good-Bye to the Evil Twins of Envy and Gossip

3

Transcend the Limitations of a Fear-Filled Life

4

Stamp Out the Stigmas of Ignorance and Arrogance

5

Overcome Incapacitating Denial

6

Steer Clear of Chronic Backstabbers

7

Don’t Sacrifice Your Heart to Achieve Your Goals

8

Avoid Procrastination Because Tomorrow May Never Come

9

Move Beyond Self-Centeredness

10

Treasure Your Self-Respect and Self-Control

11

Don’t Get Caught in the Tangle of Red Tape

Conclusion

About the Author

Preface

My life has been a series of hardships, but over time I have learned to endure every storm that has come my way, simply because I decided that giving up was not a choice. Fortunately I had unconditional love and support from my mother and grandmother, and that helped me tremendously. Ultimately, though, I had to choose not to give up. And I have had to recommit to that choice time and time again. Many times I stood at the edge of the abyss where the only option seemingly available was to give up. The simple truth is that life is not always fair. And yet there is no alternative to living life except dying. When we give up, we die inwardly, even if we keep breathing. Settling for that kind of bleak existence will not solve one’s problems. The only solution is to tell ourselves that we will never give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hard things become.

My own experiences of weathering life’s storms motivated me to write this book, which developed as a result of my realization that the only way to weather life’s storms is by ceasing to ask the unanswerable question of, why me?

Throughout this book I will share my own experiences as candidly as I know how, offering suggestions for self-improvement, empowerment, and motivation. My intention is that this book will serve as a sort of road map, a guide for better handling the obstacles we all inevitably face. Beyond that I hope that reading my story will inspire you to face your own hardships with courage, dignity, and grace. May this book be your faithful companion on your life journey.

Nina Vera-Vida was born in Sarajevo, Bosnia, but had to flee at the onset of the war, which deprived her of her childhood. Surviving the war as a refugee in Serbia, she escaped death only to be blinded by a brain tumor and become the victim of horrific abuse. Having survived all this, Nina stands tall and proud yet humble, and she is ready to help others pull themselves from the abyss. Her struggles and accomplishments have been featured in various publications, including the New York Times, the New York Daily News, and the Journal News. Nina is a recipient of NIB’s 2011 Milton J. Samuelson National Career Achievement Award, in recognition of her outstanding leadership, commitment to excellence, and career accomplishments. This book chronicles her innermost thoughts, personal stories, and coping mechanisms, which she shares to help and inspire others. Nina, a young widow and single mother, braves the streets of her new home, New York City, with her four-year-old son and beautiful guide dog.

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to all my heroes who helped sculpt me into who I am today.

To my mother, Branka, the symbol of devotion. Her love and devotion to me gave her the extra strength she needed to survive the ugliest manifestations of human behavior. My father tried to rip out her young heart with his bare hands; his devious mind tried to chain her soul in the eternal abyss of physical and mental abuse. He knew that my mother would do anything he asked her to do when he put a gun to my head. (I was two years old at the time.)

When I was diagnosed at age fourteen with a life-threatening brain tumor that was claiming my vision, my mother refused to choose helplessness—she fought for my life and sacrificed everything to save me, her only child. When she saw me start to give up during my transition into the world of blindness, she kept me on my feet. My mother taught me how to stand and walk twice—the first time when I was a baby and the second time when I was a teenager crushed by the reality of blindness.

My mother is the symbol of selfless devotion. She has walked side by side with me through a multitude of life’s hardships and has never, not even for a second, hesitated to throw herself into uncertainty if it would mean the prospect of a better life for me.

The most horrific truth is better than the most beautiful lie, my mother always says, and I agree completely. The truth that is the hardest to face is also the one that we must accept before we can take the first step on our path to self-empowerment.

To Grandma Jagoda, the symbol of strength. As a little girl living through World War II, my grandmother saw her entire family wiped out: her pregnant sister was tortured to death on the ice, her brother was shot to death execution style, her father was slaughtered—and then she had to endure another war in 1992. She lost everything she had worked for her entire life when we fled our homeland of Bosnia. As a refugee living in Serbia, already in a vulnerable position, she then had to endure the NATO bombing raids of 1999.

Her deep-blue eyes have shed rivers of tears through eight decades of suffering; her broken ribs, which never healed properly, remind her of her life’s struggles every night when she puts her tired body to rest; her heart has been shattered by so many betrayals. And yet my grandmother is both a symbol and source of strength. She raised three generations and still makes the best baklava in the whole wide world! Oh, and yes, I must also thank her for my feistiness.

To my husband, Jose, the symbol of endurance. I sat at my husband’s side while he lay on his deathbed, and I told him that I was seriously considering putting some of my writing together into a book. His weakened, pain-ravaged body moved as I said this, and he looked deep into my eyes. Taking my hand in his, he said, Make sure you finish it, Nina. Don’t start it if you don’t mean to finish it. That is just one of the many ways in which my husband contributed to this book, reminding me that even if you have the greatest idea in the world, it will go to waste if you don’t follow through with it all the way.

His greatest gift to me, besides our beautiful child, was providing the inspiring example of how much a human being can endure. He was starved for months, suffered excruciating pain during his cancer battle, and lived for a whole week after the doctors said that he only had another twenty-four hours. The day before he was placed on comfort care, his body was shutting down. He hadn’t spoken in days, and he could no longer move, drink, or even urinate. Instead of defecating, he bled. He couldn’t swallow his own saliva; we had to suction it. My heart was shattered—I could feel it breaking into pieces. I was keeping him alive, prolonging his suffering, but I couldn’t make myself let go of him. Our time together was cut painfully short, and I didn’t want his beautiful heart to stop beating.

I cried out in torment and heartache, What do you want me to do, Jose? Do you want to fight? Over and over again I asked him these unanswerable questions.

After days of not being able to utter a word, my husband finally answered my questions. With agonizing pain filling his voice, he said, I want to fight, Nina. I love you.

His organs were shutting down, he was losing all his bodily functions—bleeding internally and choking on his own saliva—and he was in unbearable pain, screaming in agony every time the nurses would turn him to prevent bed sores. And yet he still wanted to fight; he wanted to see our son grow up.

Life took that dream away from us, but Jose will forever be a symbol of endurance, driven by his love for his family and his thirst for life.

To my son, Stefan, the symbol of pure love. Stefan was two and a half years old when he witnessed his father suffer an agonizing death. My son is the symbol of pure and uninhibited love, and he is also my source of inspiration and optimism.

When someone leaves our lives, we want his or her memory to stay alive forever. Stefan keeps his father’s memory alive every night when he says, Good night, Daddy, as part of his bedtime ritual. When he meets new people, he introduces himself with his full name—Stefan Luke—and then he says that his Daddy is sleeping in heaven. While at times this feels like an arrow piercing my heart, it also makes me rejoice, knowing that my son holds his dad in his soul.

Stefan is a living testament to the fact that hardships can deeply affect us from the earliest stages of life. When he drinks his juice, he puts the straw to his dad’s mouth in a photograph, announcing, I’m sharing my juice with Daddy, Mommy.

Once when he was in a doctor’s office with my mother, he saw a pamphlet with a photo of an individual using a nebulizer mask. Pointing to the photo, he said, Grandma, that’s my daddy! You see, he is still breathing. My mother hugged my son wordlessly, willing back her own tears. This innocent child didn’t do anything to provoke a hardship of this magnitude, and yet there it is—he has no choice but to accept the harsh reality. Nevertheless he still finds kindness and love in his heart to share with others; he still finds a way to communicate his love to his father.

As a three-year-old child walking with his blind mother, my son would hold my hand and announce every step up or down and any uneven ground. Even at this young age he took charge; he has wanted to be his mom’s eyes ever since his daddy was no longer there to be those eyes. (As of this writing, my son is four years old.)

Stefan is my symbol of pure, unconditional love, and I thank him for his contribution to this book. He is my source of inspiration, and he adds a special, magical meaning to my life.

To my guide dog, Zuri, the symbol of loyalty and dedication. Zuri has traveled the world with me and has been my eyes through some of the harshest situations of disability discrimination that societal ignorance and arrogance have to offer. She is a source of loyal love and caring that we humans can learn so much from.

Zuri has put her life in danger to save mine a number of times, and she has warned me in her unique ways of the dangers that were about to come. She is a beauty in every sense of the word—and one of the most graceful passengers in business class that the airline attendants have ever seen! There are not enough words to express all my gratitude to Zuri, but because her love goes beyond mere words, she understands all that is in my heart.

Introduction

We live only if we get up and keep moving forward.

We