INT.

SCRAPBOOKING CONVENTION Jay leads the gang into the large, long hall where a Scrapbooking Weekend is taking place. There are tables covered in things for sale, and women of all shapes, sizes, and ages are working dubiously at completing scrapbook pages. The guys start to wander. We see SOCCER MOMS, LITTLE GIRLS, ELDERLY WOMEN, ROUGH LESBIANS, EXTREMELY PEPPY GIRLS, and many other unappealing groups. PHIL Theres no way were picking up anybody here. I feel really out of place. Teddy is eyeing a pair of CREEPY TWIN GIRLS scrapbooking together. He looks disgusted at their pages, which are messy. One of the adolescent twins blows a handful of glitter into his face. TEDDY Ah! The twins from The Shining are into scrapbooking! He frantically tries to strip his beard of the glitter. Suddenly, Jay stops them. JAY Wait just a minute-The guys all stop and turn to where hes fixated. There are THREE HOT LADIES scrapbooking off in this corner, by themselves. They are way less scrapbooking though, and way more sneaking sips from a bottle of Jack. They giggle and flirt with each other while the guys stare on. JAY (CONTD) Jackpot. Jay leads his group over to their newfound venture. JAY (CONTD) Hey there ladies! The girls are pretty tipsy. They dont skip a beat. Their leader leans forward at her table. This is GWEN. GWEN Hi there. What are you guys doing here, are you closet scrapbookers? Her friends continue to tee-hee.

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JAY Uh, yes. Yes we are. Were awfully lonely all the way on the other side of the hall, we were wondering if you girls wanted to combine tables? Gwen puts her elbows down on the tables and squeezes her breasts together in her couldnt-be-smaller, low-cut vintage tee, showing some incredibly nice cleavage. GWEN I think we can fit you in somewhere. Jays eyes get that sparkle. Teddy and Phil check out the other two girls, who smile back. Gwen stands up, pointing to her name tag. GWEN (CONTD) Im... (reading) Gwen. This is Tabitha and Precious. Teddy steps forward and grabs TABITHAS hand and kisses it. Shes tattooed and dressed tightly. TEDDY Tabitha. Beautiful name. PRECIOUS, the last girl with dark makeup and a standoffish aura cocks her head to Phil. PHIL Precious? PRECIOUS Yeah, I had the name first, that big bitch from the movie stole it. She pounds the bottle of Jack. Phil gulps. INT. SCRAPBOOKING CONVENTION - LATER Its shots and shots later, and the girls are hanging on their new friends. Each of them is paired off. Gwen finishes the last of the Jack bottle and slurps the neck of the bottle seductively to Jay who stares on in delight. JAY Wow that was something. Too bad we dont have another bottle.

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Tabitha quickly raises a much larger bottle of Jack from under the table and the girls go wild. The guys almost seem a bit outdone. PHIL You girls sure know how to party. GWEN This is nothing. We just have to sneak it, youre not supposed to have booze at this thing. She tilts the humongous bottle back and swigs it, sloppily. An older, uptight looking woman approaches. UPTIGHT WOMAN Excuse me! Are you drinking alcohol in here? Gwen lets the bottle drop to the table. Theres some dripping off her lips. GWEN I just stopped. Her friends laugh like crazy. The guys look a little worried. UPTIGHT WOMAN You must leave at once! This is an alcohol-free event. PRECIOUS This is a fun-free event! TEDDY You tell em, Precious! The guys shoot Teddy a look. He lowers his pumped fist. GWEN Fine. Were out of here. (gathering things) Come on, guys. Lets go party in our suite. The girls follow her lead. Phil, Teddy, and Jay awkwardly trail them. TEDDY (whispering) Guys! They got a suite, too!

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JAY Ive got a good feeling about these girls. PHIL Im not sure that I do. INT. GIRLS SUITE LIVING ROOM - LATER The girls are sloshed as the guys follow them into their smaller, but still nice, suite at the hotel. GWEN Make yourselves comfortable. She burps. Phil cringes. Jays into it. Tabitha fingermotions Teddy to follow her into the kitchen. He follows. Precious plops down on the couch and takes out a good amount of COCAINE and starts cutting it on the table. PRECIOUS Phil, is it Phil? Come here, come take a few bumps. Phil is shocked. PHIL Oh, no. Im good. Ive taken a lot of bumps, lately. GWEN Come on stud, lets leave these two alone. She pulls Jay by his waist into a kiss that causes them to fall towards a bedroom door. They collide into it and then its quickly slammed. Phil is alone with Precious, who does a quick line. PRECIOUS (sniffing) Fuck! Yes! That is good. Yes. She wipes her nose and chugs the Jack from earlier. She goes to do another one. Phil runs over and joins her. PHIL Hey! Why dont we stop mixing all the uppers and downers for just a second and just, just talk? Hows that?

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She stops. She stares at him. And she immediately begins balling her eyes out. PRECIOUS (collapsing into Phil) I-I-Im so stooooooopid. She cries, sending mascera fireworks down her cheeks. Phil holds her, freaking out about what to do. INT. GIRLS SUITE KITCHEN Tabitha is shaking up a can of whipped cream and staring down Teddy. She goes to spray it on him, but stops. TABITHA Wait, take off your glasses. He does. TABITHA (CONTD) And your shirt. He removes it like a little kid would. She points the can and begins coating his body in whipped cream. He takes it, loving it. INT. GIRLS SUITE BEDROOM Jay is being pinned down by Gwen. She straddles him hard, as theyre both near naked. GWEN You like that baby? You like how that feels? JAY Yep. I sure do. Feels great. GWEN Baby likes it doesnt he? Little bitty baby loves his momma? Jays face changes. But he doesnt stop humping. JAY Yeah. I, I do. She reaches to the night stand and flicks the light off.

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INT. GIRLS SUITE LIVING ROOM Precious is pacing around the room, still crying. GWEN ...and my kids in Juvie, again! You know? Its just like what the fuck, like what the fuck!? Phil looks like hes heard tales of murder. PHIL Alright! Why dont we do this. Why dont I get you a glass of water, and we can sit and relax, and just meditate for a bit? Thats what I do when Im all worked up. Lets do that! Phil runs towards the kitchen. INT. GIRLS SUITE KITCHEN Phil swings open the door to find Teddy on the floor, covered head to toe in whipped cream, as Tabitha pours vegetable oil over her naked body before running, diving, and sliding across him. Phil immediately closes the door and retreats. INT. GIRLS SUITE LIVING ROOM Phil returns to find an empty room. PHIL Precious? Precious, whered you go? The patio door is slid open. The curtain blows in the breeze. PHIL (CONTD) Mother of god! He runs towards the door. INT. GIRLS SUITE BEDROOM Its almost pitch black, we can only see slight silhouettes of Gwen and Jay. They are having sex. GWEN Oh, yeah, baby! Play with my nipples. Play with mommas nipples.

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JAY No problem. Not a problem at all. She continues to rock on him. GWEN Mmm yeah, just like that, dont stop. We see some shifting. Somebody has moved somewhere else on the bed. Jay, mouth full, is humming and slurping away. Then-JAY (stopping all motion) Hmm? Jay clicks the lights back on to find Gwen holding a BABYS PACIFIER in his mouth with her foot. Shes also trying to slider a DIAPER on him around his ankles. He spits the pacifier out. JAY (CONTD) What the fuck? EXT. BALCONY Phil hops out on to the balcony. Precious is nowhere in sight. He then sees a pair of hands straddling the balcony railing and realizes its her, leaning forward, staring forty stories down. He rushes over. PHIL Precious! What the hell are you doing? PRECIOUS My name is Precious. Do you know how depressing that is? She goes to let go, but he grabs both her wrists. PHIL Ah! Come on. Its not that bad. What about Precious...Moments! The figurines. Those are nice. Those are very...well-made. She leans on him, finally. He hoists her back up and over the railing. PRECIOUS Im a goddamned mess, Bill.

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PHIL Its Phil. And so am I, at the moment. He cradles her as she sobs. Then he starts to sniff the air. PHIL (CONTD) What the hell is that smell? They reenter the house to find Jay, rapidly sprinting out of the bedroom passed them, in a half-ripped diaper and a really small bib. JAY Thats it! I cant do it! Ive met some crazy bitches, but that one takes the cake! Gwen follows him, topless, grasping a BREAST PUMP. GWEN Babys gotta feed before baby goes night night! She runs around Jay and blocks the main door. Phil notices smoke billowing out of the kitchen. PHIL Fire! They all run into the kitchen to find Teddy and Tabitha, desperately trying to put out a pretty roaring fire. PHIL (CONTD) Teddy what the hell is happening? TEDDY Our sexy souffle got out of control! They bat at the flames with rags. Theres a blowtorch on the counter. Everyone screams and goes crazy. EXT. HOTEL FRONT - EARLY MORNING The whole crew is standing around with blankets shivering in the cold night. A FIREMAN approaches them. FIREMAN What the hell were you all doing up there?

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ALL ...Scrapbooking. PRECIOUS (chiming in late) Cocaine. (then) Scrapbooking?