NEW GIRL

"JESS IS RETARDED" Written by Dale Zawada

www.dalezawada.com dalezawada@gmail.com

FADE IN: INT. APARTMENT - DAY Jess, Winston, Nick, and Schmidt sit on the couch playing video games. Jess holds her controller upside down. WINSTON Youre doing that wrong. JESS Im winning, arent I? SCHMIDT Youre running into the wall. JESS Thats how I play. NICK Let her play how she wants. a free spirit. Shes

Nick sees Jess is drooling heavily from the side of her mouth. NICK Free spirit. Schmidt coughs. The others notice hes pale and not as energetic and douchey as usual. WINSTON What the hell is wrong with you? SCHMIDT Got a Lamborghini. JESS So? Did you have to sell your kidney to get it? SCHMIDT Exactly. JESS Im good at guessing! SCHMIDT Im going to score mad chicks.

2.

JESS You should get some nice ones too. Ones without anger issues! The group returns their focus to the video game. NICK Ive got some news myself. SCHMIDT Your boyfriend proposed? youre gay. Because

NICK No. Mr. Wallace, my old professor from college -WINSTON From when you were trying to be a lawyer? NICK Yeah. He quit teaching and started his own law firm and wants ME to come aboard. SCHMIDT You? NICK I know! He was a mean old bastard. Didnt even think he liked me. This could be my big moment! Hes coming to dinner in three days so we have to make something nice, show off a bit and impress the guy and his wife. Wife? WINSTON Hows her vag looking?

NICK Probably pretty old. Theyre in their sixties. Why so interested, Winston? WINSTON No reason. SCHMIDT He hasnt been laid in a couple weeks.

3. WINSTON Three weeks. I bumped up against the coffee table the other day and lost it. JESS So that wasnt spilled milk. SCHMIDT Just ride with me, Winston. Im going to get all the ladies with my Lambo now. Chicks dig hot rides, right Jess? Jess isnt listening. to win at the game. She has her tongue out and is trying

JESS Someone help me.

Im going to win!

WINSTON Nobody is going to help you. NICK I got ya. Nick does some controller magic, saves Jess, and wins the game. JESS You saved me! Nick puts the controller down while Winston and Schmidt continue to fume over the loss. NICK So because of the new gig...Im moving out. Schmidt and Winston slam their controllers down. SCHMIDT & WINSTON Good! The frustrated Schmidt and Winston storm off, leaving Jess and Nick alone. Jess and Nick share a smile. The sweet moment is broken by a loud Jess fart. JESS Free spirit!

MAIN CREDITS

4. INT. APARTMENT - DAY Nick sits at the table reading law books. Winston watches him with disgust as Schmidt shuffles in, clammy and pale. WINSTON Will you go see a doctor. No chance. doctor. SCHMIDT Unless its a lady

NICK Can you guys take your boys club elsewhere? WINSTON Mr. Wallace isnt going to give you an exam at dinner. He might. NICK Hes kind of a dick.

Jess walks in wearing footy pajamas. JESS Did someone say penis? NICK No. If this dinner is a success Ill do a full-blown cartwheel. Jess makes Nick pinky promise. JESS If youre so worried about this guy, just mimic him. WINSTON Like an annoying toddler? JESS Like his movements, the way he speaks. SCHMIDT She might be on to something. is this guy like? What

NICK Hes a hard ass. He knows a lot. Hes always dropping famous quotes on people.

5. JESS I got it! If he is always reciting quotes, you can share a fact of your own. You can be fun fact guy! WINSTON Thats not bad. Even you cant screw that up. Smoke fills the room. JESS Smoke monster! Go away, Jacob! They all rush to the kitchen. Nick grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire atop the stove. NICK Who was cooking something and forgot about it? After several seconds of nobody coming clean... NICK It was me, wasnt it? It said 45 minutes. I forgot.

JESS You put it on two hours ago. NICK Im not good with remembering times, leave me alone. Im good at other things. WINSTON Like what? NICK Like fun facts. The group waits for Nick to wow them with a fun fact. struggles. NICK Did you know the heart pumps 1,800 gallons of blood a day? JESS Nick, fun facts are supposed to be FUN. That is not -Jess loses her footing and falls hard to the ground. and Winston help her up. Nick He

6. JESS Im okay! WINSTON What are you wearing those for anyway? (he licks his lips) I mean...you look good....real good, but why are you wearing footy pajamas in the middle of the day? She just gives him a look that screams FREE SPIRIT. NICK I need to brush up on fun facts if I am going to impress Mr. Wallace in three days. Im going to the book store. SCHMIDT Ill drive you. NICK I said book store, not strip club. SCHMIDT Nerd girls are hot. They do extra stuff to you to make sure you dont leave them. NICK & WINSTON Jar. Schmidt takes out a wad of money and goes to put it in the douche jar but there is an actual douche bottle in it. SCHMIDT Thats not what its for, Jess! Lets go, lawyer boy. Nick and Schmidt leave. Winston gives Jess the sexy eyes.

WINSTON Youre looking pretty good lately, Jess. JESS I started shaving my lady mustache. WINSTON We have the place to ourselves. Winston moves in closer to the clueless girl.

7. WINSTON You thinking what Im thinking? JESS Yes. She leans in sexually. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Jess and Winston sit on the couch watching TV. put off. WINSTON Watching TV is not what I was thinking. JESS It should have been. Hey, I wanted to say something to you. WINSTON Oh yeah? He leans in. JESS Yeah. Ive been wanting to say it for a while. WINSTON Go on, Jess. You can tell me whatever you want. JESS I wanted to apologize for racism. WINSTON You what? JESS I just feel bad about how much the odds are stacked against you guys. WINSTON Thanks? JESS But hey, at least you guys got the extra tendon. WINSTON The what? Winston seems

8. JESS The extra tendon African-American gentlemen are born with. Duh. Thats what it means when people say black guys are well-endowed. Winston is flabbergasted and turned off completely. WINSTON Lets just watch TV. American Idol? Want to watch

JESS I dont like reality shows. Winston flips the channels some. WINSTON Here, Ghostbusters 2. JESS I said no reality shows! INT. BOOK STORE - DAY Schmidt and Nick walk through the book store. SCHMIDT Look at all these well-read ladies. I feel very intimidated and not in charge at all. NICK You have a Lamborghini for crying out loud, have some respect for yourself. SCHMIDT Thats true. Nick disappears down an aisle. Schmidt moves in on a young woman with glasses who is checking out new releases. SCHMIDT Like books? YOUNG WOMAN I do. SCHMIDT You like the Kama Sutra?

9. YOUNG WOMAN Ive never read it. SCHMIDT Thats okay, I have a copy on my night stand. I can show it to you. The young woman actually falls for this nonsense. in, twirling her hair. YOUNG WOMAN Maybe tonight we can -Schmidt VOMITS UNCONTROLLABLY on the young woman. He covers her in green and yellow chunks. She screams and storms out. Schmidt bends over and wipes his mouth. SCHMIDT What time tonight?! INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Jess and Winston watch Peter Pan on TV. Peter Pan and the kids break into You Can Fly. Winston looks bummed. JESS Whats wrong? Racism still? know. WINSTON No. Its just, I COULD fly. Before. JESS Thats right. Basketball. Extra tendon didnt help you there. Dont worry, Winston, you can still fly! Jess jumps up and breaks into song, singing along with the Peter Pan and the children on TV. JESS (singing) Think of the happiest things It's the same as having wings Take the path that moonbeams make If the moon is still awake Jess pulls Winston to his feet. He finally cracks a smile. Jess opens the window and takes in a deep breath. I She leans

10. JESS (singing) You'll see him wink his eye You can fly, you can fly! You can fly! Jess takes ballerina leaps. JESS Come on, Winston. She continues to leap. Winston joins in.

JESS Think of all the joy you'll find When you leave the world behind And bid your cares goodbye You can fly, you can fly! You can fly! Jess leaps right out the window. WINSTON Jess! Winston runs to the window but pulls a muscle in his leg. WINSTON Damn extra tendon. EXT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Winston sits in a chair outside the room. run up. NICK What happened? WINSTON She jumped out the window! SCHMIDT You killed her! Nobody just jumps out of a window. WINSTON She was singing and dancing, and just went out. NICK That does sound more believable. Schmidt coughs heavily. Schmidt and Nick Jess!

11. NICK Go see a doctor. hospital. SCHMIDT Too much work. DOCTOR JACOBY walks out of Jesss room. NICK Theres a doctor RIGHT HERE. SCHMIDT Whats her story, Doc? DR. JACOBY Shes gone. The guys gasp. NICK Shes dead? No. DR. JACOBY Shes gone. What, she

Were IN a

SCHMIDT Were doing this thing? left the hospital? No. DR. JACOBY Shes gone.

The group has had enough. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

They rush inside the room.

They guys walk in and see Jess in bed, unconscious and looking relatively healthy. NICK Shes right there. gone? How is she

DR. JACOBY If you guys would let me finish, I mean shes gone...in the head. Shes mentally retarded. WINSTON What?

12. SCHMIDT The fall knocked her retarded? DR. JACOBY We ran a CT scan on her -NICK Fun fact: The odds of getting cancer from a CT scan is 1 in 1,000. The guys collectively ignore Nick. The doctor continues.

DR. JACOBY We ran a CT scan on her and the results showed shes been this way about for nine to ten years. SCHMIDT Shes been tarded for ten years? DR. JACOBY It looks that way. NICK Is she okay though? survive? Will she

DR. JACOBY Yeah. She cut her arm but is very lucky to walk out without any serious damage. SCHMIDT Except being retarded. Doctors, man, I tell ya. You come in for one thing, and you walk out retarded. DR. JACOBY Ill let you gentlemen visit your friend. SCHMIDT Well take this guy with you. Schmidt pushes Winston towards the doctor. SCHMIDT Hes the one who tried to kill her. WINSTON I didnt throw her!

13. JESS Stop blaming Winston!

Its racist. They run up to

The three guys turn to see Jess sitting up. her. NICK Are you okay? JESS tis a scratch.

Jess shows off her arm, which is a HIDEOUSLY LONG SCAR on it. The guys groan and hold back chunks. SCHMIDT Jeez! NURSE TAMRA, a cute black nurse, comes in to check on Jess. WINSTON How are you, nurse beautiful? NURSE TAMBRA (voice of a man) Much better now. Winston hightails it out of the room. NURSE TAMBRA (regular lady voice) Men. Jess, you are good to go. on and get dressed. NICK Shes good to go? NURSE TAMBRA According to her insurance. JESS I dont have insurance. NURSE TAMBRA Exactly. NICK Fun fact: youre a bitch. INT. APARTMENT - DAY Nick, Winston, Schmidt, and Cece usher Jess inside. baby her. They

Go

14. NICK Everything is going to be okay, Jess. JESS I like pancakes. CECE I know you do, sweetie. WINSTON Did you know about her condition, Cece? CECE Of course I did. NICK Why didnt you tell us? CECE I thought it was pretty obvious. Youve seen how she acts. Do you need me to tell you the bum outside your building is crazy or can you figure that one out by yourself? SCHMIDT I figured it out when he bit my eye. CECE How could you morons not know she was special? NICK We just thought she was a free spirit. JESS Free spirit! CECE I know, honey. SCHMIDT What happened to her? CECE In high school, Jess was captain of the cheerleading squad. She was the only one who could top the pyramid. It was our championship game.

15. NICK And they dropped her? WINSTON And she landed on her head? CECE No, she got into a car accident on the way there. Drunk driver got her. NICK Oh. SCHMIDT Thats very kind of you for still being her friend all these years. Schmidt rubs up on Cece. CECE Get off. This is not the time. There is never going to be another time. Im not a slut that just goes back to the guy with the hot body whenever its convenient. SCHMIDT I have a Lamborghini now. She takes his hand and leads him out of the apartment. Nick and Winston stare nervously at Jess. NICK Is it just me or is she -WINSTON Still smoking hot. NICK Hotter almost. More approachable. WINSTON We cant though. It wouldnt be right. Right? NICK Yeah, Jess is officially off limits now. What does it say about me that I was in love with a handicapped?

16. WINSTON Nothing we didnt already know about you. NICK Can you watch her for a bit? I have to read up for Mr. Wallace in three days. Sure. Nick walks off. WINSTON Go on, get your read on. Winston joins Jess on the couch. JESS Winston? WINSTON Yeah? JESS Sorry about Hitler. WINSTON Its okay. Actually, theres a way you can make it up to me. Winston scoots closer. He leans in to kiss her. her eyes and makes a goofy kiss face. Nick runs in at the last second to break NICK What are you doing?! WINSTON Its not what it looks like! NICK What is wrong with you, man? WINSTON Its been soooo long. NICK Get out of here. Go on. dinner or something. WINSTON Sure thing. Lasagna? NICK From scratch? Go make it up. She closes

17. WINSTON Yeah, right. Winston heads to the kitchen. Nick sits on the ouch and grabs Jesss hands to comfort her. NICK Its okay, Jess. Were still going to be here for you. Were always going to be around. JESS Like ghosts. NICK Like ghosts. She leans in and gives him a friendly hug. He hugs her back. After their hug, Jess grabs a candle off the table and starts eating it. NICK No no no. He grabs the candle, blows it out, and puts it back down. NICK Youll figure it out. Nick looks around to make sure theyre alone. Winston peering from the kitchen. NICK Fun fact: forty-two percent of couples suggest making love on the couch. Nick leans in to kiss her but Winston runs up swinging a spatula. WINSTON You animal! NICK I knew you were there! I was kidding! I would never do that. WINSTON Im watching you! Winston goes back to the kitchen. He doesnt see

18. NICK Were going to take care of you, Jess. For real. We love you. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. Answer it. NICK What if its Mr. Wallace and I got the date wrong? WINSTON (O.S.) Then were having lasagna for dinner. Nick answers the door. Schmidt and Cece push through. Nick jumps up.

WINSTON (O.S.)

NICK Oh, thank God. What are you knocking for? SCHMIDT Locked my keys in the Lambo after pleasuring Cece. Nick closes the door. NICK Good. For a second I thought you were Mr. And Mrs. Wallace. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. WALLACE stand in the hall. NICK Oh, come on! INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT Mr. & Mrs. Wallace sit next to each other. Across from them sit Nick and Jess. Winston gets the seat next to Mrs. Wallace. Cece and Schmidt sit at the heads of the table. MR. WALLACE Good to see you settled down with this special young lady, Nick. NICK How did you know she was special? Nick opens it. MR. & MRS.

19. MR. WALLACE Its a compliment. NICK Oh, right! MR. WALLACE You never were good with compliments. NICK I never got any. Jess chimes in ten seconds late. JESS We are husband and wife. MR. WALLACE Still shocked by that. Always thought you were a gay, Nick. NICK Yeah, I get that sometimes. WINSTON Im still not totally convinced. Mrs. Wallace blushes and laughs heartily. MRS. WALLACE Youre funny. JESS Check out this scar! Jess shows off her arm scar. subject. Nick quickly changes the

NICK Fun fact: Lasagna is believed to have originated in Italy. JESS You dont say! Mr. Wallace chuckles at Jesss sarcastic reply, even though she was being sincere. MR. WALLACE Ive always been fond of lasagna, even though its not that great for you.

20. But as Mark Twain said, part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. NICK Fun fact: Mark Twain went bankrupt in 1894. MR. WALLACE When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. JESS Thats wild. MR. WALLACE It IS Oscar Wilde. Jess, youre quite the catch. MRS. WALLACE A lot of catches at this table. Mrs. Wallace puts her wrinkly hand on Winstons knee. repulsion turns to arousal. WINSTON Mrs. Wallace, I see you have a scarf. MRS. WALLACE Yes, it was Marilyns. WINSTON Perhaps you would like to see my scarf collection in my room? SCHMIDT You have a scarf collection? I do. WINSTON In my room. His

NICK Please dont have a scarf collection, Winston. WINSTON Sorry, Nick. Ive got a big ol scarf collection.

21. MR. WALLACE Well stop talking about it and go view your feminine accessories. Looks like I pegged the wrong man as a gay. Winston ushers Mrs. Wallace to his room. Schmidt passes out at the table. His face falls into the lasagna. The impact wakes him up. SCHMIDT Collectable centaurs. MR. WALLACE Are you okay, young man? SCHMIDT A-ok, Dr. Washington. NICK So, Mr. Wallace, Im very excited about the possible opportunity to work under you at your firm. MR. WALLACE I need men I can trust. strong character. NICK Men with knowledge. That are fun. Men with

Of facts.

MR. WALLACE Having intelligent and clever men is important too but I am more interested in men with high moral fiber. JESS Fiber makes me poop. The moaning from Winstons bedroom steals everyones attention. Yes! MRS. WALLACE (O.S.) Right there! WINSTON (O.S.) Take it! MR. WALLACE Great, just what she needs, more scarves.

22. JESS Hes really giving her scarves. Schmidt passes out again. MR. WALLACE Is your friend dead? NICK No. Just tired. We work till we pass out around here. My work ethic rubbed off on these jokers. MR. WALLACE Work ethic is important. Winston and Mrs. Wallace return to their seats. a mess. Winston is all smiles. MR. WALLACE Nice scarves? MRS. WALLACE The best. NICK This dinner is going very well, wouldnt you say, Mr. Wallace? MR. WALLACE Nick, youre a nice young man but to be honest, I dont get the feeling youre a man of high character. Nick turns as pale as Schmidt. NICK I understand. JESS No! NICK Jess, calm down. JESS I will not calm down! Nick is the best guy in the world. SCHMIDT & WINSTON Were right here. Her hair is

23. JESS Nick is a nice guy. The nicest. He always does the right thing. MR. WALLACE Is that so? JESS Can I tell you a story, Mr. Wallace? MR. WALLACE Of course. JESS Nick saved my life. MR. WALLACE He did? JESS I was being attacked by two men and he saved me. He didnt have to, but he saved my life. MR. WALLACE Is this true, Nick? NICK It actually is. MR. WALLACE A man of action. Okay. Monday. Mr. Wallace gets up. You start

Mrs. Wallace joins him.

MR. WALLACE Thank you for dinner. MRS. WALLACE Thanks for the scarf. WINSTON No problem. MR. WALLACE (under his breath) What scarf? The old man and woman leave the apartment. Nick jumps up in excitement.

24. NICK We did it! Nick does a cartwheel. NICK Im going to be a lawyer! Jess joins him and does a cartwheel. NICK You guys arent excited for me? Jess is. Come on. Cartwheel of happiness! WINSTON Im not going to do a cartwheel because you got a job. NICK Come on. Winston cracks. WINSTON Fine! Winston does a cartwheel and gives Nick a big hug. WINSTON Congrats, bro. NICK Thanks. Schmidt. Cartwheel of happiness. Lets go. Schmidt walks over, looking sick as ever. He starts his cartwheel but ends up falling on his face instead. NICK What a joker. Jess gets up on the dining room table. JESS Watch this! Jess does a cartwheel on the table but falls off the side. She lands on her head, resulting in a loud CRACK.

25. INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY Nick and Winston stand in the back of the funeral home wearing their nicest funeral suits. Schmidt shuffles over. He leans on Nick. NICK You ready to go up? The three guys walk down the aisle. Jesss open coffin waits for them at the other end of the room. They pass Jesss friends and family, including Cece, Caroline, Paul Genzlinger, Sadie, and Remy the landlord. The room clears out as they approach the coffin. smile on her face. NICK She died how she lived. WINSTON Retarded. NICK I cant believe we were even thinking of, you know, with her. WINSTON She was hot. It wasnt our fault. NICK Yeah. Schmidt is too busy slowly dying to get in on the conversation. WINSTON Shes still kind of hot. NICK Yeah. Winston and Nick look around and see the room is cleared out. They share a look. Nick shakes it off. NICK Nah. WINSTON That would be crazy. Nick and Winston slowly move their hands towards Jess. Before they can get too grabby, Schmidt falls to the ground. Jess has a

26. NICK Schmidt? WINSTON Schmidt? INT. FUNERAL HOME - THE NEXT DAY Nick and Winston stand next to Schmidts coffin. NICK This was easily preventable. END OF SHOW