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ACT ONE INT. LOFT. KITCHEN. DAY. NICK takes sandwich meat out of a bucket to make an open faced sandwich. SCHMIDT enters. SCHMIDT Hey buddy. Digging around for meat inside a bucket while modern technology is precious, precious feet away? NICK (excited, mouth full) Uh-huh! SCHMIDT Thats great. Youre great. About tonightNICK Nope. SCHMIDT No? I dont even. I cantNICK Not happening. SCHMIDT Oh come on! Im your best friend. NICK Thats only true sometimes. (to overloaded sandwich) Youre my best friend right now, arent you? SCHMIDT I would understand if it was two tickets because you have to take your little ex-girlfriend out of bias, but its four. FOUR. NICK Winstons been having a hard time lately. SCHMIDT Well boo-freaking-hoo for Black Kojack over there, things arent so good for me either.

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NICK Black Kojack? SCHMIDT I couldnt think of a black TV cop Im very flustered. NICK Settle down. SCHMIDT I will not! Im paying for a storefront that is bleeding me, its mating season at the office and I just want to go tonight! NICK Im not taking you and thats final! SCHMIDT Fine! Schmidt storms out the front door. Nick lovingly strokes his sandwich. Schmidt storms back in towards the bedrooms. SCHMIDT (CONTD) Im so mad I forgot I lived here again! (O.S.) Which is another reason why I should be-SMASH TO TITLES. INT. LOFT. COUCH. AFTERNOON. COACH has his feet on Jesss lap as she paints his toenails pink. COACH This is an outrage. This is outrageous. JESS Did you hear someone come in? They listen, hear nothing, and Coach drops the act.

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COACH This is the worst bet Ive ever lost. JESS Well if you didnt want your toes painted you shouldnt have messed with someone who did know what you didnt. COACH What? JESS (singing) Making your toes pretty. COACH (somewhat singing) Theyre pink and delicious. JESS What are you doing? COACH (shamed) I just thought Id--they are a nice color though. JESS Youre like the sister I never had. COACH You...have a sister. JESS Lets just pretend that never happened, mkay? WINSTON enters in full police regalia. WINSTON Guys, youll never guess what just... Coach and Jess look at him with wide eyes. WINSTON (CONTD) Nope, dont care, still excited for me well address this later. Coach gets his feet off Jesss lap but keeps his toes pristine, he glances at them lovingly.

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JESS What happened, buddy? WINSTON I got called into the night shift! Jess and Coach nod with mock-smiles. JESS Wow. COACH Woo. WINSTON Obviously you two dont understand. This is my first step up the ladder. Im moving up the ladder by one step. Climbing the ladder up toCOACH We get it, man! Move on! WINSTON Dont you see? Im finally being respected at my big bust. JESS Winston. It wasnt really a big bust it was just you sort of arresting a friend. FLASHBACK EXT. STREET. DAY Winston is talking to OUTSIDE DAVE who is holding a purse. WINSTON Come on, Outside Dave we both know you took that nice ladies purse. Now just say you did it and Ill let you go. OUTSIDE DAVE No binds can hold me! WINSTON I already put the handcuffs on you, Dave. Outside Dive tests the restraints with a faint tug and then gives a giant grin.

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OUTSIDE DAVE Now my hands are married AND pretty. SMASH RETURN COACH So whyd you do it? WINSTON Im an officer of the law and its my duty. COACH (sly brother tone) She was good looking and you were showing off, werent you? WINSTON (imitating Coach) Pretty women can ALWAYS find this officer of the law. JESS Oh my god, you guys! COACH Why are you upset? WINSTON Yeah, youre hot enough to not have to worry about crime. JESS (awkward) Hoo-ray. Schmidt and Nick enter. SCHMIDT Winston, as your humble but superior friend I demand you give up your ticket to the party tonight. WINSTON Okay. SCHMIDT Its finally happened. Ive developed the powers Ive always dreamed of. Im going to call Julia Roberts to demand sexting.

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WINSTON I have to work late tonight, anyway. Ive been called in. NICK Why are you doing that thing where it sounds like youre bragging? WINSTON Uh, because Im bragging? NICK Its not a thing to brag bout. JESS Its really not. COACH I thought you knew that already but I was playing along. WINSTON I think you guys are sorely mistaken. They only ask the officers they trust to hold this sacred duty. JESS What duty? WINSTON Ill be manning the front desk. SCHMIDT Do you even hear yourself right now? Youre a glorified secretary. WINSTON Uh, does a secretary earn nearly a dollar more per hour past six? SCHMIDT They absolutely do. JESS Why wouldnt they? COACH Every job, all of them. NICK I think thats federally mandated. END OF ACT ONE.

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ACT TWO INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK. NIGHT. Winston sits at the messy desk with reverence and a HUGE KEYRING. Hes staring at a clock waiting for the hour to turn over. When it does he sits down and strokes the phone. WINSTON You and me? Were going to do a lot of good work tonight. OFFICER (who has a bag with GYM SHOES peaking out) walks in and gives a disdained look at Winston. OFFICER Are you caressing the phone? WINSTON No, sir! OFFICER Im not your sir, how new are you? WINSTON Well actually, IOFFICER Dont care. Did you get your instructions for the night? WINSTON No, it seems like nobody is here at all they just like me walk in. (beat) Which is weird because of all the weapons and stuff. OFFICER Youre just supposed to tell people to call back tomorrow, thats it. WINSTON What if theres an emergency? OFFICER Then theyll call the police. Winston gives a meek and confused gesture to the phone. OFFICER (CONTD) The real police. You know, the dispatchers?

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WINSTON So, wait, what am I doing? OFFICER You tell people to--is that a huge ring of keys? WINSTON (hiding them slowly) It may be. OFFICER Why would you bring that in? Where did you even get all the keys? WINSTON You know. (beat) Key places. (beat) Places with a lot of keys. (beat) For people to take. OFFICER Did you even place in the top 100 cadets when you graduated? WINSTON Hah! I placed 97th! OFFICER How many were in your class? WINSTON I dont see how thats relevant. INT. NICKS BAR. NIGHT. CECE is tending an empty bar save for a DRUNK PATRON. CECE Im going to have to cut you off. DRUNK PATRON Im going to have to cut open your clothes. Because youre pretty. CECE Dude.

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DRUNK PATRON No, I just heard it, my bad. One more Miss forgiving eyes? Nick enters and witnesses the over-serving. NICK Thats what I like to see, fragrant disregard for someones limits. CECE Im pretty sure its flagrant. NICK Thats not a word! CECE It is. NICK Use it in another sentence, right now. Dont look at your phone. CECE I actually cant. NICK Hah! Nick high fives the drunk patron who whiffs and falls over. CECE So, hows its hanging boss? NICK Oh, you know. CECE Mr. Bossman. NICK Uh-huh. CECE Guy whos paycheck I rely on. NICK Whats happening right now, I dont get whats happening right now. CECE Its just sooo funny that youre my boss now.

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NICK I mean, I always had seniority, I brought you on. CECE That Nick Miller, the screw up, holds my fate in his teeny-tiny hands. NICK Are my hands small? Cece smirks thinking shes gotten to him, but Nick simply looks like hes gotten new information. NICK (CONTD) They are kind of small. Huh. DRUNK PATRON But not dainty. Like, manly small. NICK Thank you! If it wouldnt open us up to about a dozen liability issues Id get you another drunk. DRUNK PATRON Dont worry, Ive already been cut off. Drunk Patron then drinks the last thing Cece poured. NICK Well lets hope hes blacking all that out. (to Cece) So whats going on, are you mad at me for not stocking the kegs like I promised? CECE You didnt stock the kegs!? NICK What? No. Thats why you--cant be mad at me. CECE I dont know. I just feel like life is getting the best of me.

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NICK I didnt expect feelings to enter into this so..Im...just...going to talk...slower until they...dont. CECE Come on, please, I just need someone to listen to me right now. DRUNK PATRON Friend-zoned! EXT. MUSEUM. NIGHT. Coach, Schmidt and Jess are formally dressed. COACH I never thought Id be excited to go to a fund-raiser for public schools. (beat) And now that Ive said it out loud... SCHMIDT Oh put up your horses because its too wet to ride, amigo. COACH What? SCHMIDT I only got this ticket because fate intervened and Im not even bitter, you should be dancing on your tiptoes, ami. COACH Are you just putting the word friend at the end of your sentences in another language? JESS I got him this book about influencing people in a friendly manner because hes been having trouble at work. COACH That bad? SMASH CUT

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INT. OFFICE. DAY. Several professionally dressed women cat-call at Schmidt as he bends over a desk to get at a barracaded filing cabinet. SCHMIDT Damn you, Cougar Town! Damn you for making this socially acceptable! SMASH BACK SCHMIDT (CONTD) Youre supposed to look at peoples foreheads and say their names. JESS (staring at forehead) Yes, Schmidt, you are. SCHMIDT Okay, but not in a creepy way. JESS No, Schmidt, Im not. SCHMIDT Youre like a Child of the Corn. JESS Join us, Schmidt. COACH (imitating Jess) Yes, Schmidt, join us. SCHMIDT I dont like that everyone is pairing up. Nobody in this group is as alone as me. INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK. NIGHT. Winston draws his hands together like a finger gun. WINSTON Officers down. Just like White House Down. Except I have the save the station! SMASH CUT A PROSTITUTE walks up to the front desk.

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PROSTITUE Excuse me? WINSTON (eager and dutiful) Yes maam! How can I help you maam! PROSTITUE I was wondering if I could use your bathroom? Winston deflates and points. SMASH CUT Winston is staring at the phone with intensity. WINSTON Ring! Ring! Riiiiing! The phone rings. WINSTON (CONTD) 911, what is your emergency? (beat) How do you even get the wrong number! (beat) No we dont have any donuts here thats a myth, Ive checked a lot! SMASH CUT The Officer takes a baggie full of belongings out of the desk as Winston is hunched over and in dismay. WINSTON (CONTD) (on phone) No maam, having a pretty dog isnt illegal. (beat) Yes maam, even if its a very pretty puppy thats prettier than your pretty puppy. INT. BAR. NIGHT. Cece is curled up on the ground behind the bar. DRUNK PATRON Hit me!

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Cece pours and hands the drink to the man without getting/looking up. NICK Didnt you cut him off three drinks ago? CECE Who can remember? NICK You could, I think. CECE Maybe, but numbers are hard. (sipping her drink) Like 31--which is how old Im turning without having anything figured out. NICK Is that what this is about? Nick kneels down beside her. NICK (CONTD) I dont have anything figured out, either. CECE Nick, youre the most figured out person I know. NICK That doesnt sound right, that doesnt sound right at all. CECE Seriously, since you broke up with Jess youve gotten promoted you wear matching socks. NICK It just easier to stay balanced. CECE YOU got me this job and you mentored me. NICK I didnt really mentor you I just, its not rocket sciencism or anything.

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CECE Most guys fall apart, but youve just stepped up. I mean, have you even had a drink today? NICK Not yet. Cece offers him a sip and he rejects it. NICK (CONTD) (dawning/terrified) What have I become? CECE And you set up this whole night out for the gang, you didnt even have to be asked. NICK Stop! Stop! (hugs his knees) Youre freaking me out here. Nicks phone rings and he checks it. It says Jess. CECE You should go. Ill be fine. NICK I should go, youll be fine. Nick slumps all the way down next to Cece. She offers him the drink again and he sips it. DRUNK PATRON Im not hearing anything! CECE Shut up! END OF ACT TWO.

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ACT III INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK. NIGHT. Outside Dave is standing in front of the desk and Winston is taking his posessions from plastic bag. WINSTON I have three lego blocks. OUTSIDE DAVE Just some walking around money. WINSTON What appears to ana apple nibbled into the shape of a smaller apple. OUTSIDE DAVE I did that with my talker. Outside Dave bares his teeth. WINSTON And popscicle sticks glued to one another with bubbled gum. OUTSIDE DAVE Shhh! He snatches the items up and runs to the front door. OUTSIDE DAVE (CONTD) Simulation! Load! Outside Dave flees while Winston looks dismayed. enters. OFFICER You alright there officer mopey? WINSTON I just didnt--I thought that becoming a cop would be different. OFFICER How? WINSTON That there would be more respect involved for one. Officer

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OFFICER You dont get respect by being a cop. You get it by being a good person and then showing that you are one every day. (thoughtfully) We all have a hole in us and no status or item is going to fill it, and the more you try, the emptier youll feel. WINSTON That was beautiful. Why did such a poetic soul become a cop? OFFICER To fill the hole. Were you even listening? (as he walks off) Dumbass. EXT. MUSEUM. NIGHT. Schmidt is pacing back and forth while Coach looks board. Jess looks concerned. JESS I dont understand, why wont he answer? SCHMIDT Youre kidding, right? JESS Uh. No? SCHMIDT Because you have no power over him anymore. COACH This isnt labrynth, dude. SCHMIDT Au contraire, mon ami. COACH Stop the friend thing, stop it now. SCHMIDT See, Nick changed for Jess and he stomped his feet and he hated it every little boy step of the way. (MORE)

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SCHMIDT (CONT'D) But now that hes on the other side of this change, he likes it but doesnt like her anymore. JESS Hey! He still likes me (insecure) Im funny and charming. (more insecure) And have wonderful style. SCHMIDT You know exactly how Nick feels about his exes and those are women he didnt even like. JESS (three inches tall) But we were special. SCHMIDT Were, honey. So now Nick has to divorce himself of his feelings for you and what those feelings made him do in the first place. COACH How you know all this, man? Schmidt pulls the book from his suit pocket. SCHMIDT This little book has taught me so much about the mysteries of the-Jess takes the book and tosses it away with a grunt. JESS There! Okay! That was a mistake! Every time I try and change things is a mistake! It never works out well! She stomps off towards the car. SCHMIDT Where are you going? JESS Im going to tell Nick hes an idiot!

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SCHMIDT Well however impressed I am that youre storming off in heels its not going to work! COACH It is impressive though. SCHMIDT Its amazing. Its like watching a pissed off ostrich stride majestically towards her prey. Beat. COACH So do we just stay here or... INT. NICKS BAR. NIGHT. Cece, Nick and Drunk Patron all sit next to one another hunched over the bar. NICK I dont know who I am anymore. CECE I have no future. DRUNK PATRON I killed a man in self defense, but that doesnt make the dreams go away. NICK Alright, its not a competition! CECE Seriously, dude. Drunk Patron seems sheepish despite himself. CECE (CONTD) You should be proud of yourself. NICK You should be proud of yourself! CECE Do you just repeat the last thing I say?

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NICK Do you just--yeah, when I get nervous. But you should. CECE Why? NICK You had this amazing career and you left it. You chose that. You dont have to have all the answers. CECE Nick, you were the biggest screw up I knew and now youre doing amazing. NICK Yeah, but I had nothing. I risked nothing. (thoughtful) And now I have nothing again. CECE You could get her back you know. Nick stares into his drink and shrugs. DRUNK PATRON Sometimes I can still hear the screams when I-NICK Oh my god if I pour you another drink will you shut up? The drunk patron nods and Nick gets up to grab a bottle and place it down before the man. Jess enters. JESS (with wide arms) What the hell, Nick? Nick, what the hell? CECE Jess, its okay. Its my fault. JESS Sorry, what now? CECE I was having a crisis.

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JESS (incredulous) And Nick made it better? CECE Yeah. He just...listened. JESS (hurt) Well thats just great. (to Nick) So now youre the kind of guy who listens to problems. NICK What the hell is happening right now I dont even know! JESS Why, Nick, why did you decide to try and do all this now? Huh? NICK Jess! You cant do this anymore! You dont get to decide to punish me or judge me! They talk a moment and realize that its really over, and its not just the words or the practice anymore, but the them is gone. JESS I guess not. NICK Jess, Im sorry. JESS No, its okay. NICK Come on, lets go. JESS I dont want to. NICK Okay, I get it. Nick takes out the tickets to put them on the bar. NICK (CONTD) I am sorry.

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JESS I know. Jess picks up the tickets and walks out. Cece is stunned. CECE I dont know what I just saw, but it was impressive. Nick slumps into the stool next to her and pounds a drink. NICK You know what, kid? Youre alright. CECE Im going to forgive you for calling me kid and just say thank you. They smile at one another and Cece grabs and holds Nicks hand. This holds for a moment before... DRUNK PATRON Friend-zoned again! NICK Why do I even let you drink here! INT. MUSEUM. NIGHT. Its a lavish event and everything is wonderful except for Jess who has raccoon eyes in the corner. SCHMIDT Oh, pumpkin. JESS Dont call me that. SCHMIDT Its just a sweet way to say hello, okay pumpkin? JESS I liked you better with the book. SCHMIDT Thats what happens when you change things. Mess with the natural order.

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Jess starts crying and Schmidt panics. SCHMIDT (CONTD) No, stop, you cant do that. (beat) Here. People can see you. JESS Why did we ever get rid of your douchebag jar? SCHMIDT Im not good at this kind of thing and your tears just make it clearer. They have an evil effect on men and should never be used. JESS Schmidt... SCHMIDT Jess, I know it hurts now but Ive known Nick for over a decade and Ive never seen anyone have a bigger or better influence on him. (beat) In a way Im jealous. JESS (ego boosted) Jealous how? SCHMIDT You got him to do everything I ever wanted for him and you didnt even have to try. (beat) You made him better. You should be happy for him. JESS I am happy for him Im just. SCHMIDT I know. JESS You dont know. This was love not a expensive face cream. SCHMIDT How dare you! I know what love is! (beat) (MORE)

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SCHMIDT (CONT'D) And I really wish they kept making that scrub it was fantastic. JESS I dont know what to do. SCHMIDT (morose) Well what else can you do? You just have to accept that it was great, but its gone now (sadder still) That youll never regain what you had and that-JESS Youre still talking about the face scrub arent you? SCHMIDT No. (honest and empathetic) I care for you a lot. You made my best friend better. Jess leans into Schmidt who puts an arm around her. JESS I just hate thinking hes more mature than me now. Like, when did that happen? INT. NICKS BAR. NIGHT. Nick is standing on top of the bar, outfit messy and wrinkled, ready to spike a large rubber ball through a hulahoop that Drunk Patron is holding. NICK Im an adult! He spikes the ball and smacks the Drunk Patron. NICK (CONTD) Double points! He and Cece race to take two shots from a large array. INT. POLICE STATION. FRONT DESK. NIGHT. Winston seems resigned to his fate. Hes looking over a newspaper sadly.

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WINSTON Oh, Garfield. You dont want to be alone either, no matter how much you pretend. The officer stops escorting a THUG out to the front door and smirks. OFFICER Get comfy, first year. WINSTON (sad-sack) Yeah, maybe. (beat) So how long have you two been friends? OFFICER (nervous) What? Friends? With who? WINSTON The guy you just let out. OFFICER Were not friends, why would you say were friends? WINSTON (oblivious) Because you snuck him past booking and escorted him to the door. You also took an envelope earlier with his belongings so hed by-pass processing. Also hes wearing your gym shoes from earlier. The officer looks shocked but confronts a Winston who has no fight in him. OFFICER You better not tell anybody about this! WINSTON Uh, okay. The officer walks off and only then does it dawn on Winston. WINSTON (CONTD) Ohhhh. (singing) I solved a crime. I solved a crime. (MORE)

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WINSTON (CONTD) Its police corruption, so I wont be announcing it. Winston dances a little bit until he sees a FLYER up on the wall that encourages all applicable officers to take the Detectives exam. He gives an honest and full smile. End of ACT III

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ACT IV INT. LOFT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. Jess is sitting on the couch and looking mopier than before. Nick enters through front door, they see each other and pause. NICK Hey. JESS Hey. NICK About tonight. JESS Nick, come on. NICK No, I want to do this. (beat) Sorry, I thought you were going to say no again. JESS (smiling in spite of) But I didnt. NICK No, bluff called. They laugh. NICK (CONTD) What are we doing? JESS I dont know. NICK Yeah, me neither. They look at each other again before Nick collapses into the couch. JESS Do you ever think maybe it was all a mistake?

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NICK I have to warn you Im pretty drunk and also I want to be macho because Cece kept calling me a great friend but...no. JESS Not ever? Nick turns his head over to look at her and smiles his stupid and wonderful smile. NICK About you? No. Never. Jess smiles fully and it seems like they might lean in and kiss before Winston enters through the front door. WINSTON Oh my god, are you two getting back together? NICK Winston, why would you even think that! WINSTON Well the position that you two are in, plus the fact that Nick is very dressed down but still in his good clothes but Jess has been home awhile points to you coming home separately. JESS What. Is. Happening? WINSTON Im a detective. Or I will be. When I pass the exam. JESS Didnt it take you five times to pass the regular cop test? WINSTON Haha! Three, thank you very much! NICK Your happiness upsets me in many ways. Youre not a detective yet and youre barely a cop, you...Black Kojack.

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SCHMIDT (O.S.) Its catchy, isnt it! NICK I didnt even think about another name all day because I liked it so much! JESS Okay, Ill see you boys tomorrow. NICK Goodnight Jess. SCHMIDT (O.S.) Goodnight pumpkin. WINSTON Maam. NICK Why did you call her pumpkin! SCHMIDT (O.S.) Its a thing were doing now, me and her. JESS (O.S.) No its not! WINSTON Hold on, I want to get in on this. Winston runs into the kitchen. WINSTON (O.S.) (CONTD) Guys, now Im playing too! NICK Guys, now Winstons yelling from another room! SCHMIDT (O.S.) Winston you piggy backer! NICK Shut up Schmidt why didnt you just come out and say goodnight! JESS (O.S.) Oh my god will you guys shut up!

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WINSTON (O.S.) Guys, using my superior deduction skills Ive determined Jess wantsNICK Oh my god! SCHMIDT You idiot! JESS Winston I wil end you!