1 WRITER'S BLOCK

by Irving A Greenfield

I sit at one end of a ben ! in Bo"ling Green #ar$% It's an Indian s&''er's day in late O tober% T!e s&n's "ar't! feels good% Ot!er (eo(le are in t!e (ar$% It's l&n ! ti'e) and so'e of t!e' are eating al fresco o&t of s'all (lasti ontainers or) biting into sand"i !es or "ra(s% Bottled "ater is &bi*&ito&s and so

are ardboard &(s for offee or tea% I+' not !&ngry, b&t I "ill be in a o&(le of !o&rs) and I'll eit!er go to a l&n !eonette) t!e Stir Cafe) &( Broad"ay for a ranberry '&ffin and offee) or do"n- a- "ays on Bo"ling Green to Starb& $s for a a((& ino and a sli e of Banana .&t Loaf Ca$e% I'' a (eo(le "at !er% It's a "ay of d&lling t!e a !es and (ains t!e "ra $ 'y body and s ra'ble 'y t!o&g!ts% T!o&g! an o togenarian) I an still a((re iate t!e sig!t of a bea&tif&l "o'an) or a yo&ng o&(le so involved "it! ea ! ot!er t!ey are s ar ely a"are of anyone else% And t!ere are also /t!e street (eo(le)/ "!o a&se 'e "onder !o" t!ey be a'e "!at t!ey are% Be a&se I'' a fre*&ent visitor to t!e (ar$) I often see t!e sa'e fa es% .o" and t!en a s'ile of re ognition flas!es or a !ead bobs a((ro(riately &( and do"n) and I $no" t!at I+' not o'(letely anony'o&s% S!o&ld so'et!ing &nto"ard !a((en to 'e) I+ll be ta$en are of by 'y (ar$ a *&aintan es% I avoid onversations &nless t!ey are "it! to&rists str&ggling to read a 'a( of t!e ity, t!en) I offer "!atever !el( I an give% I+ve learned a fe" "ords in 0ren ! and S(anis! t!at 'a$e

1 it easier for 'e to o''&ni ate "it! visitors fro' t!ose o&ntries% 2y $no"ledge of 3iddis! !el(s "!en I s(ea$ to Ger'ans% As a native .e" 3or$er) I'' fa'iliar "it! its streets and vario&s trans(ortation servi es% 2y rel& tan e to stri$e &( a onversation is not t!at I disdain onversation) b&t rat!er be a&se of 'y o"n infir'ities4 a sever loss of !earing o&(led to t!inning vo al !ords 'a$e onversation diffi &lt% I+' ontent to be an observer rat!er t!an a (arti i(ant% And yes) I reali5e t!at by being !ere I+' also (art of t!e s ene ot!er (eo(le see% W!atever o''ents I !ave) I 'a$e to 'yself, and "!en I'' not doing t!at I drift into lo&ds of 'e'ories% Ea ! of t!e' !as its o"n distin t s!a(e) olor and 'ood% T!o&g! I $no" t!eir stories) I (lay t!e' over and over again% 6 T!is ti'e long ago on a day '& ! li$e t!is one) I'' a !ild again of eig!t or nine% I'' on to( of a garage roof in Broo$lyn stealing !erries fro' a tree t!at belongs to a blind 'an and !is t"o sisters) "!o live in a fan y red bri $ !o&se on t!e orner of East forty-0ift! Street and Linden Bo&levard% 2y li(s and !in are s'eared "it! t!e 'eat and 7&i e of t!e !erries% One of t!e sisters s(ots 'e% T!e blind 'an is "it! t!e'% T!ey're 7abbering in a foreign lang&age) 'aybe Italian% 0or 'e) it's an advent&re% I s ra'ble to t!e ot!er side of t!e roof) and al'ost lose 'y balan e before I rea ! a bro$en trellis t!at allo"s 'e to es a(e% %%% I s'ile to 'yself% It's a !a((y 'e'ory, t!en) s&ddenly I reali5e a strange 'an is sitting lose to "!ere I a'% A s!ort ti'e ago a yo&ng "o'an "as sitting t!ere eating a sand"i ! and si((ing offee or tea fro' a ardboard ontainer%

8 We loo$ at ea ! ot!er% We're abo&t t!e sa'e !eig!t) and slig!tly bent% Ea ! of &s &ses a "ooden ane, 'ine is an old ti'e s!illelag! "it! a sna$e-li$e t"ist in t!e 'iddle of it% 9is is a d&(li ate of 'ine) "!i ! I onsider an interesting oin iden e, b&t not "ort! o''enting on and ris$ing a onversation% We nod to ea ! ot!er% T!ere's not!ing fan y in !is dress) neit!er is t!ere anyt!ing fan y in 'ine% .eat and lean is all t!at's alled for in o&r &n(rofessional alling of (eo(le "at !ers% Int&itively) I $no" !e's going to start s(ea$ing% B&t I'' not in t!e 'ood for onversation% I'd rat!er ret&rn to 'y 'e'ories of stealing !erries% 9e's still loo$ing at 'e "!en !e says) /W!at do yo& do "!en yo&'re doing not!ing:/ 9is *&estion s&r(rises 'e% I "asn't e;(e ting a *&estion) es(e ially (!iloso(!i *&estion% Were "e seated at a bar "it! a bar-stool bet"een &s) I 'ig!t !ave ans"ered fa etio&sly) /Sit !ere and drin$ and as$ *&estions%/ B&t t!e environ'ent is different) and 'ore to t!e (oint) Ive as$ed 'yself t!e sa'e *&estion inn&'erable ti'es "it!o&t arriving at a satisfa tory ans"er% Annoyed) I say) /.ot!ing is so'et!ing, t!ere+s never any void%/ W!at else o&ld I !ave said: .at&re ab!ors a va &&') even a (sy !ologi al one% 9e "in es and t&rns !is fa e a"ay% 9o(ef&lly) !e reali5es I'' not a good (ros(e t for onversation, "!i ! is "!at) I+ ' s&re !e "ants to engage in% I+d '& ! (refer to ret&rn to 'y 'e'ories of 'y !eery stealing days) t!e only ri'inal a tivity I'' absol&tely g&ilty of% T!e 'an !asn't s(o$en for a "!ile) and I allo" 'yself to en7oy t!e t!rob of life aro&nd 'e% Even t!e (igeons see' to be en7oying t!e day% I "at ! a red- !e $er, !e or s!e is t&ssling "it! a (ie e of bread trying to brea$ it do"n to 'ore a 'anageable si5e so it o&ld be eaten% 0inally t!e r&st is bro$en into t"o (ie es4 one lager t!an t!en ot!er% W!ile t!e (igeon (e $s at

< t!e s'aller of t!e t"o (ie es) a s(arro" s"oo(s do"n and grabs t!e larger one% =nli$e 'ost .e" 3or$ers "!o vie" (igeons as /flying rats)/ I see t!e' as bea&tif&l birds "it! a s&r(rising a'o&nt of intelligen e% B&t t!at's be a&se 'y fat!er raised t!e' "!en I "as a boy% I'' abo&t to go into a 'e'ory riff abo&t 'y fat!er and !is (igeons) "!en t!e 'an s&ddenly says to 'e) /I'' bereft%/ 9e !as 'y instant attention, it "o&ld be r&el not to give it to !i'% 9e !as (robably e;(erien ed t!e re ent loss of a beloved s(o&se) or t!e agony of living t!ro&g! t!e deat! of a !ild) or t!e de'ise of a life-long friend% At o&r age t!ese t!ings !a((en "it! astonis!ing fre*&en y% I no" t!in$ I $no" t!e so&r e of t!e (ain t!at 'ade !i' "in e4 grief an be a terribly s!ar( $nife% B&t t!en !e says) /T!ey too$ it a"ay fro' 'e%/ 9is /it/ an be a '&lti(li ity of t!ings) anyt!ing fro' !is (et to !is favorite drin$% /T!ey)/ is ertainly as vag&e as /it%/ I feel as if I'' !eading for a sea of !is tro&bles% W!atever t!ey 'ig!t be) I don't need !is tro&bled "aters4 I !ave 'y o"n to breast on a daily basis% If I didn+t !ave t!e') I "o&ldn't be sitting in Bo"ling Green #ar$ doing "!at !e alled /not!ing%/ I'' trying to ad7&st to 'y sit&ation as !e is to !is sit&ation "!atever it 'ig!t be% On e 'ore I t!in$ abo&t leaving) "al$ing a"ay% B&t I re7e t t!e idea% I don't !ave t!e energy) or t!e intense desire to over o'e 'y let!argy% I s&s(e t 'y blood (ress&re is on t!e lo" side, it's one of t!e (roble's I !ave to ontend "it!% T!ere are ot!er 'edi al iss&es as "ell% In a sad voi e) and in a "!is(er 'eant only for 'e to !ear) t!e 'an says) /I've lost it%/

> I''ediately I again t!in$ of 'y fat!er) "!o lost !is se;&al (oten y "!en !e "as lose to 'y age and &sed t!e e;a t "ords I 7&st !eard to des ribe t!e a&se of !is 'alaise% I "ant to la&g!, not t!at I'' not sy'(at!eti 4 been t!ere) done t!at% Sooner or later 'ost 'en arrive t!ere% W!en 'y fat!er rea !ed !is 'ilestone) !e "anted to 7&'( o&t of t!e "indo"% 9e didn't and lived several 'ore years% It's a de ided blo" to any 'an "!en !is "illy be o'es o'atose% W!en "e're yo&nger and it !a((ens it's a so&r e of e'barrass'ent and on o'itant fear t!at o&r 'anliness 'ig!t be deserting &s% B&t "!en it !a((ens later in o&r lives it+s li$e a &rtain o'ing do"n on a t t"o before it rises again on o&r final a t !o"ever long it 'ig!t be% /O&r "illys are errati )/ I say sy'(at!eti ally% /B&t if "e &sed t!e' "ell) o&r 'e'ories of t!at &se are still (leas&rable) t!o&g! I grant yo& a (oor s&bstit&te for t!e real t!ing%/ 9e's totally blan$, !e !asn't got a l&e to "!at I've been tal$ing abo&t% S&ddenly !is e;(ression !anges and !e begins to la&g!% I la&g! too% I feel li$e 'a$ing a toast to all t!e o'atose "illys in t!e "orld% B&t I !ave not!ing to toast "it!) not even bottled "ater t!at li$e ell (!ones are every"!ere in t!e !ands of (eo(le "!o are drin$ing% Even as I la&g!) I re ogni5e "e are no" engaged in a dialog) a onversation t!at I s(e ifi ally tried to avoid% W!en "e finis! la&g!ing)/ !e so'berly says) /I "asn't referring to 'y "illy or any 'an's "illy%/ /O!? Sorry)/ I say% /I too$ a "rong t&rn% B&t fro' t!e "ay yo& s(o$e - - / 9e interr&(ts "it!) /2y reative &rge) da'n it% T!at's "!at !as been ta$en fro' 'e%/

@ I'' e'barrassed, I an't find 'y voi e and lear 'y t!roat several ti'es% I nod to a $no"ledge "!at !e !as 7&st said% And no") it+s as if I an !ear !is t!o&g!ts or 'y t!o&g!ts abo&t "!at I $no" !is t!o&g!ts are% I can't do it anymore. There's a huge wall blocking my way. I can't climb over it, or go through it, or tunnel under it. I'm in a void of gray mists. And when I try to write, I'm in pain, the anguish of knowing something is wrong with it. Its topography is wrong: the words are flat, dull, and heavy like stranded sea creatures . . . the flow is gone. I still can think in terms of story, and play the game of "what if," but it avails me nothing. I m in that place of mists where nothing holds together. ... After a long (a&se) !e says) /I an't "rite any'ore%/ T!e onversation is de(ressing 'e) giving 'e an &neasy feeling) 'a$ing 'e very an;io&s% 9e's &tting lose to t!e bone% I'' in 'idst of !is tro&bled "aters "!ere I definitely do not "ant to be% /3o& &nderstand) don't yo&:/ Of o&rse I &nderstood% 9o" o&ld I not &nderstand: I+' engaged "it! 'yself) t!at self "!o lives in 'y brain and o'es and goes "it!o&t 'y bidding% 9e+s 'y do&ble ganger) a 'irror i'age) "it! "!o' I silently onverse, and al"ays - - al"ays it+s t!e sa'e onversation) t!e sa'e la&g!ter% /I don't !ave t!e strengt!)/ !e says% I nod% I &nderstand t!at too% It ta$es strengt! to "rite) and "!en it goes everyt!ing else ras!es% T!e stories are t!ere floating by li$e bea&tif&l "o'en for t!e ta$ing) b&t I a' i'(otent% 6 I ta$e a dee( breat! and sig! raggedly%

A T!e s&n is (assed its Benit!% A old "ind !as s(r&ng &() and bl&e-gray lo&ds filter t!e s&nlig!t 'a$ing it s(otty T!e yo&ng "o'an is finis!ing !er sand"i !% I+' alone sitting on t!e ben ! no longer on7&ring 'e'ories of 'y !ild!ood% T!e fig!t !as gone o&t of 'e, I !ave 7&dged 'yself and fo&nd 'yself "anting%