1

00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:02,440

oh, my god!
2
00:00:02,510 --> 00:00:03,850
i have a tattoo.
3
00:00:03,910 --> 00:00:05,380
oh, that's not a tattoo.
4
00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:07,650
that, dear boy,is a tramp stamp.
5
00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,950
a tramp stamp.
6
00:00:10,020 --> 00:00:12,390
kids, too often in life,
7
00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:14,560
we make decisions that we're not prepared to live with.
8
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this is a story about those decisions,
9
00:00:18,790 --> 00:00:22,060
and the consequences that follow.
10
00:00:22,130 --> 00:00:23,730
say good-bye, kids,
11
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,570
'cause it won't be around much longer.
12
00:00:26,670 --> 00:00:28,370
oh, but ted, if you get rid of the butterfly,
13
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,600
how's everyone gonna know
14
00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:31,670
you're a stripper from reno with daddy issues?
15
00:00:32,540 --> 00:00:35,910
yes, yes,enjoy these final moments of mockery

16
00:00:35,980 --> 00:00:39,050
because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions,
17
00:00:39,110 --> 00:00:41,350
stella is gonna zap that butterfly
18
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right off the face of my lower back.
19
00:00:43,350 --> 00:00:45,220
-stella? -Dr.stella zinman.
20
00:00:45,290 --> 00:00:46,220
she's the best in the business.
21
00:00:46,290 --> 00:00:47,620
and she's rather cute.
22
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,560
in fact... we're going to a movie together tonight.
23
00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:51,590
what?
24
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:52,960
i asked her out.
25
00:00:53,030 --> 00:00:54,400
ted, why would you do that?
26
00:00:54,460 --> 00:00:55,730
what's the matter with you?
27
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:56,760
-what?what do you mean? -dude...
28
00:00:56,830 --> 00:00:59,100
don't poop where you eat.
29
00:00:59,170 --> 00:01:01,340
oh, no, this doesn't count.
30
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,710
if it's someone you see on a regular basis,

31
00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:04,810
and you can't avoid them...
32
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and in this case,you're paying them...
33
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then yes, it counts.
34
00:01:06,810 --> 00:01:08,040
ted,
35
00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,810
you've heard of the golden rule, right?
36
00:01:09,910 --> 00:01:10,910
"love thy neighbor?"
37
00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:11,950
uh, actually,it's "do unto others
38
00:01:11,950 --> 00:01:13,950
as you would have them do unto you."
39
00:01:14,020 --> 00:01:15,650
it's from the bible.
40
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,320
damn it, ted, i've worked out this whole thing
41
00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:20,020
where the golden rule is"love thy neighbor,"
42
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:24,730
now, the golden rule is"love thy neighbor."
43
00:01:24,790 --> 00:01:27,430
but there's one rule above it:
44
00:01:27,530 --> 00:01:29,260
the platinum rule:
45
00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:34,100
"never ever, ever, ever,love thy neighbor."

46
00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:35,470
well, that's cute.
47
00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:37,810
but she's not my neighbor;she's my doctor.
48
00:01:37,870 --> 00:01:38,610
-so if you'll exse me... -wait, ted,
49
00:01:38,710 --> 00:01:39,470
barney has a point.
50
00:01:39,540 --> 00:01:42,580
remember what happened with me and curt down at the station?
51
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:43,850
oh, yeah, and remember what happened with us
52
00:01:43,910 --> 00:01:44,580
and the gerards across the hall?
53
00:01:44,650 --> 00:01:45,810
need i remind you
54
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,450
about me and wendy the waitress?
55
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,150
yeah, i don't have time for this.
56
00:01:49,250 --> 00:01:51,350
i'm out the door as soon as i'm finished with my hair.
57
00:01:51,450 --> 00:01:53,190
good, then we've got a solid half hour.
58
00:01:53,390 --> 00:01:56,590
and in that time,we will convince you
59
00:01:56,690 --> 00:01:58,460
not to set foot out that door.
60
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it's a story older than time, my friend,

61
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and it always plays out in the same eight steps.
62
00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,630
step 1: attraction.
63
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:08,370
it's true.
64
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:09,400
that's not even possible.
65
00:02:09,470 --> 00:02:10,610
-12 of them. -there's no way.
66
00:02:12,010 --> 00:02:13,610
-here's your gin and tonic. -thanks.
67
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:14,710
oh, gosh.
68
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,410
look at that.
69
00:02:22,550 --> 00:02:23,620
you must be our new neighbors.
70
00:02:23,690 --> 00:02:24,850
-i'm michael. -and i'm laura.
71
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,090
oh, hi, welcome to the building. yeah.
72
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,390
do you guys know any good brunch places around here?
73
00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:31,260
we love brunch!
74
00:02:35,430 --> 00:02:36,530
you must be robin.
75
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,000
curt "the iron man" irons.

76
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i'm gonna be doing sports.
77
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,410
oh. welcome.
78
00:02:44,510 --> 00:02:45,410
you look really familiar.
79
00:02:45,470 --> 00:02:46,810
are you a former athlete?
80
00:02:46,870 --> 00:02:47,980
hockey.
81
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,480
the attraction is instant and undeniable.
82
00:02:51,550 --> 00:02:52,950
but you know better.
83
00:02:53,050 --> 00:02:56,450
you've seen your friends make the same mistakes before.
84
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,090
you've laughed smugly at them.
85
00:02:58,190 --> 00:02:59,950
idiots.
86
00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:02,060
but still, you think,
87
00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:06,060
"this is different.the platinum rule doesn't apply to me."
88
00:03:06,130 --> 00:03:07,660
and that's step 2.
89
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,660
bargaining.
90
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:13,430
-i think i've got a little crush on our sports guy. -no.

91
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-no, don't do it. -no, no.
92
00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:16,000
i know, i know.
93
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:18,010
but he used to play hockey,and i'm a canadian.
94
00:03:18,070 --> 00:03:19,040
i can't help it.
95
00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:21,080
if he were missing some teeth,
96
00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:22,410
i probably would've already hit that.
97
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,550
robin, it's a mistake.
98
00:03:24,610 --> 00:03:26,880
remember what happened with me and marshall?
99
00:03:26,950 --> 00:03:28,380
the gerards across the hall?
100
00:03:28,450 --> 00:03:29,550
michael and laura.
101
00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:31,490
they're awesome!
102
00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:33,120
we're gonna invite them over for dinner.
103
00:03:33,190 --> 00:03:34,120
-no! no!really? -are you insane?
104
00:03:34,190 --> 00:03:35,490
guys, guys, guys,
105
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:36,990
this is new york city.

106
00:03:37,060 --> 00:03:38,090
you don't get close to the neighbors.
107
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you nod at them politely in the hall.
108
00:03:40,330 --> 00:03:42,200
you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while
109
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and you smell something funny, and that is it.
110
00:03:45,330 --> 00:03:46,430
we're not gonna date them.
111
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:47,540
we're just gonna be friends with them.
112
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,500
that's the couples version of dating.
113
00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:51,470
and you've got the couples version of the hots for them.
114
00:03:53,710 --> 00:03:55,510
you want to browse at pottery barn with them.
115
00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:56,680
you want to go antiquing with them, don't you?
116
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,390
you want to antique the crap out of them.
117
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,520
need i remind you
118
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:06,360
what happened with me and wendy the waitress?
119
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:08,130
i've decided to seduce wendy the waitress.
120
00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:09,160
no!

121
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-don't do it! -request denied!
122
00:04:10,230 --> 00:04:12,600
what rule is there
123
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:14,300
that says i can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?
124
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,100
i don't know. i'd expect you to have one already.
125
00:04:17,170 --> 00:04:18,740
yeah, with some sort of catchy name.
126
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,140
well, i don't.
127
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,410
i don't have one and i never will be
128
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,770
because it's a great idea.
129
00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:24,880
come on, guys.
130
00:04:24,940 --> 00:04:26,340
she's gullible.i'm bored.
131
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,840
we're perfect for each other.
132
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:28,780
barney.
133
00:04:28,850 --> 00:04:30,210
we love this bar.
134
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,280
if you screw over wendy the waitress,
135
00:04:32,350 --> 00:04:34,080
you're going to kill the bar.

136
00:04:34,150 --> 00:04:36,690
-bar-killer. -don't kill the bar, dude.
137
00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:40,290
yeah, well...i think it'll be okay.
138
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,290
and it was a huge mistake.
139
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:45,830
yeah, well, i think it'll be okay.
140
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:48,100
and it was a huge mistake.
141
00:04:48,170 --> 00:04:52,170
yeah, well...i think it'll be okay.
142
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,400
and it was a huge mistake.
143
00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:58,040
yeah, well...i think it'll be okay.
144
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:04,340
145
00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:10,740
146
00:05:11,740 --> 00:05:13,010
ted,trust me
147
00:05:13,110 --> 00:05:15,080
you don't want to do this.
148
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:16,710
look, stella and i are both adults.
149
00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:18,580
we're both smart, mature people
150
00:05:18,650 --> 00:05:20,150
capable of making good decisions.

151
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:23,220
you have a butterfly tramp stamp.
152
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,220
we're just seeing a movie.
153
00:05:25,290 --> 00:05:27,420
if it seems at all weird,i'll back off.
154
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:29,420
that's what everyone thinks.
155
00:05:29,490 --> 00:05:31,160
and then along comes step 3:
156
00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:33,090
submission.
157
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,030
night.
158
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:36,870
hey, barney.
159
00:05:36,930 --> 00:05:39,100
carl had to take off.you mind giving me a hand?
160
00:05:39,170 --> 00:05:42,100
not at all.
161
00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:45,270
robin.
162
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:46,310
i got two tickets to the rangers.
163
00:05:46,370 --> 00:05:47,380
center ice.
164
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:48,180
want to go?
165
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:53,210
and then we discover the movers lost all our kitchen boxes.

166
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:54,920
we don't have a single pot or pan.
167
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,120
guess we're ordering take-out.
168
00:05:56,180 --> 00:06:00,160
want to have dinner with us tonight?
169
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,150
-i love them. -me, too.
170
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,060
that was an interesting use of the beverage gun.
171
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,160
club soda can get anything off.
172
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:43,400
it finally happened.
173
00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:45,170
all this time,
174
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,640
every drink i brought you...
175
00:06:47,700 --> 00:06:50,240
i always felt there was this unspoken connection between us.
176
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,510
and i was right.
177
00:06:52,570 --> 00:06:56,380
hey, can i get a gin and tonic?
178
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:58,710
see, i bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic.
179
00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:01,720
oh, i paid for it.
180
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:03,150
but you got to admit,there is an upside

181
00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:04,220
to breaking the platinum rule.
182
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:05,520
like maybe as her boyfriend,
183
00:07:05,590 --> 00:07:07,090
i could get a discount on treatments.
184
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,190
oh, ted.
185
00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:09,490
of course there's an upside.
186
00:07:10,090 --> 00:07:11,060
at first.
187
00:07:11,130 --> 00:07:12,160
that's step 4.
188
00:07:12,230 --> 00:07:13,560
perks.
189
00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:15,700
we can split a cab to work together.
190
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:18,130
we always have a standing lunch date.
191
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,670
and last night,at the hockey game,
192
00:07:19,730 --> 00:07:21,100
curt got us into the locker room,
193
00:07:21,170 --> 00:07:24,140
and i met mason raymond.
194
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,070
left wing for the vancouver canucks.
195
00:07:27,310 --> 00:07:29,080
what's the opposite of name-dropping?

196
00:07:29,140 --> 00:07:31,210
damn it, you guys.
197
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,250
be psyched.
198
00:07:32,310 --> 00:07:33,650
yes, we see each other every day,
199
00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:35,380
but i think it's going really well.
200
00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:37,020
that's what we thought.
201
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,090
and it's so convenient.
202
00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:40,260
they're right across the hall.
203
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:41,920
say it's sunday,
204
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:44,290
and we want to have a brunch double date with someone?
205
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,590
we just go across the hall.
206
00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:48,030
and say we want to have a dinner party
207
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,760
exploring the wine and cuisine
208
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:51,600
of france's loire valley?
209
00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:53,470
we just go across the hall.
210
00:07:53,570 --> 00:07:55,270
say we want to play a game of charades...

211
00:08:04,950 --> 00:08:06,080
you just go across the hall?
212
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,320
come on, people.get excited for us.
213
00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:11,890
we've got a great thing going here.
214
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,490
that's what i thought.
215
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,820
-dude, you got to flick it. -you don't...
216
00:08:15,890 --> 00:08:17,130
hi, sweetie.
217
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,160
i had the kitchen whip these up, no charge.
218
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:23,060
okay.
219
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:25,370
bye.
220
00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:27,040
i mean, not bye. i'm not leaving.
221
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,670
i'll be over there.
222
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,340
okay.
223
00:08:35,110 --> 00:08:37,150
come on, guys.free nachos.
224
00:08:38,580 --> 00:08:39,280
what?
225
00:08:39,350 --> 00:08:41,120
we like this bar.

226
00:08:41,180 --> 00:08:42,420
don't kill the bar, dude.
227
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,090
nay, we love this bar.don't kill the bar, dude.
228
00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:45,950
this bar is like home to us.
229
00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:48,060
-don't kill the bar, dude. -you're killing the bar.
230
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,130
i am not killing the bar.
231
00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:51,330
wendy the waitress
232
00:08:51,390 --> 00:08:53,230
has seen how i operate in this place.
233
00:08:53,290 --> 00:08:54,100
it is perfectly clear
234
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:55,660
to everyone involved
235
00:08:55,730 --> 00:08:58,670
that this is nothing more than a temporary fling.
236
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:06,140
it's fine.
237
00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:07,640
but it wasn't.
238
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:09,110
it's fine.
239
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:11,050
but it wasn't.
240
00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:13,310
it's fine.

241
00:09:13,380 --> 00:09:16,080
but it wasn't.
242
00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:17,750
which brings us to step 5:THE TIPPING POINT
243
00:09:17,820 --> 00:09:20,520
...but he should be back on the mound
244
00:09:20,590 --> 00:09:21,660
by spring training.
245
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:22,760
and that's sports.
246
00:09:22,820 --> 00:09:23,960
back to you, robin.
247
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:25,290
thanks,iron man.
248
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,230
we'll be right back.
249
00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:28,300
and clear.
250
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,200
so want to do something later?
251
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,100
oh, so you're talking to me now?
252
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:35,070
what are you talking about?
253
00:09:35,140 --> 00:09:37,470
i'm talking about last night.
254
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,440
you said you'd call and you didn't.
255
00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,180
i missed you and i waited up, but you didn't call.

256
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,780
that really hurt.
257
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:48,780
um, i'm sorry, i-i guess i just forgot.
258
00:09:48,850 --> 00:09:50,490
i'm sorry, sweetie.
259
00:09:50,550 --> 00:09:52,450
i don't want to fight tonight.
260
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:55,360
it's our first weekiversary.
261
00:09:57,090 --> 00:09:59,160
on my suggestion,you...
262
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,100
hey, wendy, uh,do me a favor
263
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,530
and send a glass of champagne
264
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,300
to that pretty young thing over there.
265
00:10:06,370 --> 00:10:07,170
what?
266
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:12,170
over there.
267
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,540
you.
268
00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:17,250
you're the pretty young thing...
269
00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:19,150
is what i meant.
270
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:22,420
champagne? would you? on me.

271
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,220
oh. okay.
272
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,620
thanks, sweetie.
273
00:10:25,690 --> 00:10:27,990
okay.
274
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:29,360
all right.
275
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:35,230
hey, neighbors.
276
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,100
we bought all the fixings for a mexican fiesta.
277
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:41,370
um, well, we actually have tickets...
278
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,140
and no fiesta would be complete without...
279
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,470
dude, actually,we made other plans, so...
280
00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:46,110
okay. one word.
281
00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:47,880
two syllables.sounds like...
282
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,380
..."parade."charades.
283
00:10:51,450 --> 00:10:53,080
charades.
284
00:10:53,150 --> 00:10:54,180
what do you say?
285
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:07,830
-oh, no.-oh, no.-oh, no.

286
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,160
which brings to step 6.
287
00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:13,460
yeah, listen,i'm leaving.
288
00:11:13,530 --> 00:11:14,830
so if you want to write the rest of these down,
289
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:17,200
i will read it tomorrow.
290
00:11:17,270 --> 00:11:18,270
don't do this, ted.
291
00:11:18,330 --> 00:11:19,400
you want to get out of the way?
292
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,200
-don't do this, ted. -all right.
293
00:11:21,270 --> 00:11:22,370
don't.
294
00:11:22,470 --> 00:11:24,470
dude! gah!
295
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:25,480
it was perfect!
296
00:11:25,580 --> 00:11:27,410
you're such a jerk.
297
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,180
which brings us to step 6.
298
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:32,010
you finally realize you've made a huge mistake
299
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,480
and now you have to live with it.
300
00:11:33,550 --> 00:11:36,120
step 6 is called purg...wait for it.

301
00:11:36,190 --> 00:11:38,150
keep waiting...
302
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,490
keep waiting for all eternity
303
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,130
only to discover there's no escape-- atory.
304
00:11:43,190 --> 00:11:45,160
god, i'm such
305
00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:46,530
an idiot.
306
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,160
yeah.
307
00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:50,870
curt "the iron man" irons
308
00:11:50,930 --> 00:11:52,770
keeps leaving me love notes on post-its.
309
00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:54,540
on the teleprompter,on my desk,
310
00:11:55,070 --> 00:11:56,640
on the coffee-maker,
311
00:11:56,740 --> 00:12:00,780
on the jar of sugar packets next to the coffee-maker.
312
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,810
"here's some sugar for my sugar."
313
00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:04,150
the iron man.
314
00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:09,120
i remember that.
315
00:12:09,190 --> 00:12:10,650
god, we are such idiots.

316
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,020
yup.
317
00:12:12,090 --> 00:12:13,190
every time we step out the door,
318
00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:15,060
they're out there waiting for us.
319
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,990
sometimes, we'll send ted out first as a scout.
320
00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:19,630
nobody's there.
321
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:23,330
then we'll go out one second later, and there they are.
322
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,600
it's freakin' supernatural.
323
00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:26,740
are they ghosts?can only we see them?
324
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,570
"hey, neighbor.""hey, neighbor.""hey, neighbor."
325
00:12:31,110 --> 00:12:32,810
hmm, i remember that.
326
00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,080
how could you guys let me date wendy the waitress?
327
00:12:35,180 --> 00:12:36,650
-oh, you are kidding me. -what?!
328
00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:38,580
-don't kill the bar, dude. -we said, "don't do it."
329
00:12:48,830 --> 00:12:50,490
my own bar.
330
00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:54,130
i can't hit on women in my own bar.

331
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,330
remember the old barney?
332
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,700
he was a lion,the king of the jungle,
333
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,900
stalking whatever prey he chose,
334
00:13:00,970 --> 00:13:03,210
going in for the kill.
335
00:13:03,270 --> 00:13:04,470
you've got a whole meat locker at home
336
00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:06,110
full of corpses,don't you?
337
00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:07,210
now look at me.
338
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,710
clawed. neutered.
339
00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:11,380
what was once
340
00:13:11,450 --> 00:13:13,080
my jungle is now my zoo.
341
00:13:13,150 --> 00:13:17,150
and i am forced to mate with the same old lioness
342
00:13:17,220 --> 00:13:20,220
again and again and again,
343
00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:22,290
while families pay to watch.
344
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,330
yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart.
345
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:30,270
put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly, kids,

346
00:13:30,330 --> 00:13:34,470
for i am just a docile housecat now.
347
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:37,810
meow.
348
00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:39,640
well, we love this bar.
349
00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:41,080
you can't dump her.
350
00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:43,110
marry her if you have to.
351
00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:45,820
wendy the waitress hyphen stinson.
352
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,120
don't kill the bar, dude.
353
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,360
and so, inevitably,you have to do the thing
354
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:55,390
you've been dreading all along.
355
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,660
now, a relationship-ectomy
356
00:13:57,730 --> 00:14:00,060
is a delicate surgery as it is,
357
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,170
but in the case of the platinum rule,
358
00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:06,340
it takes a very, very steady hand, and that's
359
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,140
step 7: confrontation.
360
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,180
curt, we need to talk.

361
00:14:17,180 --> 00:14:18,750
i like you...
362
00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:20,420
guys, we like you a lot...
363
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:21,450
i don't like you.
364
00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:26,190
we're pretending this works,but it doesn't.
365
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:28,760
and i'm getting a little sick of the whole charade.
366
00:14:28,830 --> 00:14:30,330
we're getting a little sick of charades.
367
00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:32,230
i mean, i don't like you that way.
368
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:34,000
i used to like you that way.
369
00:14:34,060 --> 00:14:35,300
but now that i've seen everything
370
00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:36,930
there is to see, i don't know,
371
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,100
i kind of want to see those same parts
372
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:41,200
just on other girls.
373
00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:45,140
so maybe, we could go back to just being coworkers.
374
00:14:46,410 --> 00:14:48,980
maybe we should just go back to being neighbors.
375
00:14:50,010 --> 00:14:51,050
other girls and you,

376
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:52,420
if you're into that.
377
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,180
but the other girls have to be there, too.
378
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:57,220
that's the important part.
379
00:14:57,290 --> 00:15:00,920
gosh, you're just terrified
380
00:15:00,990 --> 00:15:03,730
of ever getting close to anyone, aren't you?
381
00:15:03,790 --> 00:15:05,190
Or that.
382
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:06,130
Let's say it's that.
383
00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:09,370
So can i get a gin and tonic?
384
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,670
And in any other relationship,
385
00:15:12,740 --> 00:15:13,570
that would be it.
386
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,470
End of story.
387
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,070
But because you have to see this person again,
388
00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:20,310
there's a step 8: fallout.
389
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:22,080
And now, here's
390
00:15:22,150 --> 00:15:25,210
Curt "the iron man" irons with sports.

391
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,680
Curt?
392
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,190
Curt?
393
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,860
Well, the knicks lost.
394
00:15:38,930 --> 00:15:41,030
It's sad, really.
395
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,100
they had a real shot.
396
00:15:43,170 --> 00:15:46,940
Then, out of nowhere, game over.
397
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,110
And why?
398
00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:50,270
Why, Robin?
399
00:15:51,470 --> 00:15:54,040
Uh, well, their perimeter shooting
400
00:15:54,110 --> 00:15:56,150
has been a little bit off this season...
401
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:58,110
The knicks lost because they were afraid of getting hurt.
402
00:15:58,180 --> 00:15:59,820
So they didn't even try.
403
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,150
Well, you know what I think?
404
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:03,590
I think
405
00:16:03,650 --> 00:16:06,120
the knicks didn't deserve my love to begin with.

406
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:08,020
The knicks suck.
407
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:16,170
And that's sports.
408
00:16:16,230 --> 00:16:18,570
Do you see anything?
409
00:16:18,630 --> 00:16:19,770
I think we're clear.
410
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,170
Okay, go, go, go!
411
00:16:29,210 --> 00:16:31,150
That was close.
412
00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:32,180
Too close.
413
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:34,480
You've got to be kidding me.
414
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:35,250
What do we do?
415
00:16:35,350 --> 00:16:37,350
I have no idea.
416
00:16:39,390 --> 00:16:40,760
Guys, are you there?
417
00:16:40,820 --> 00:16:42,090
I forgot my keys. can you open up?
418
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,160
It's just ted.
419
00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:45,960
Wait!
420
00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:48,260
Hello?

421
00:16:48,330 --> 00:16:50,170
Guys?
422
00:16:57,740 --> 00:17:01,110
Baby, we only have one choice.
423
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:02,780
Okay, hurry! michael and laura are probably...
424
00:17:05,150 --> 00:17:06,720
Hey, neighbors.
425
00:17:08,550 --> 00:17:12,060
Barney, I just want you to know, I have no hard feelings.
426
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:13,560
It wasn't the best idea
427
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:14,660
for us to get involved.
428
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,130
I hope we can still be friends.
429
00:17:17,190 --> 00:17:18,490
Thanks, Wendy.
430
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:19,830
Of course we can.
431
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:20,830
If you need anything else, let me know.
432
00:17:24,430 --> 00:17:26,170
I've got to hand it to wendy the waitress
433
00:17:26,270 --> 00:17:27,240
that was very mature of her.
434
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,170
She's gonna try to kill me.
435
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,140
This is poisoned.

436
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:33,480
What? You're being ridiculous.
437
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:35,040
Yours is poisoned, too.
438
00:17:35,140 --> 00:17:36,680
She's trying to kill me and everyone close to me.
439
00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:38,280
-What are you talking about? -Ted!
440
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,220
Look at the facts I dump her.
441
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:42,120
And she says, "no hard feelings."
442
00:17:43,290 --> 00:17:44,320
She's a psycho!
443
00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:45,790
What other explanation is there?
444
00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:48,560
Uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy
445
00:17:48,620 --> 00:17:50,690
So you don't have to face the far more likely possibility
446
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,160
that she doesn't want to date you either?
447
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:55,130
Where did marshall
448
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,200
get that hamburger?
449
00:17:56,270 --> 00:17:57,500
I don't know, I guess
450
00:17:57,570 --> 00:17:59,300
Wendy the Waitress brought it to him.

451
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,900
Noooooo!
452
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,150
Dude.
453
00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:12,220
You're welcome.
454
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,180
Wait a second.
455
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:14,780
You've been sitting here,
456
00:18:14,850 --> 00:18:18,190
pretending to be the expert on all this,
457
00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:20,460
but the truth is, the was no real fallout
458
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,720
from your breakup at all?
459
00:18:21,790 --> 00:18:23,160
Yet.
460
00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:24,660
You're an idiot.
461
00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:26,130
Alright, I'm taking off.
462
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,630
-What?! -I have a date.
463
00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:32,400
-Wha...? -You are such a jerk!
464
00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:35,270
Ted, have you not been listening?
465
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:36,970
attraction, bargaining, submission,

466
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,080
perks, tipping point,
467
00:18:39,140 --> 00:18:40,840
purgatory, confrontation, fallout!
468
00:18:40,910 --> 00:18:42,180
these things will all happen to you
469
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,950
as surely as they happened to all of us!
470
00:18:44,010 --> 00:18:45,210
it's a rule of nature!
471
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,550
well, i'm sick of all the rules!
472
00:18:47,650 --> 00:18:48,850
there's too many of them!
473
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:49,950
the hot/crazy scale, the lemon law,
474
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:51,750
the platinum rule...
475
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:52,920
if everyone in the world
476
00:18:52,990 --> 00:18:54,160
followed every one of your rules,
477
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,590
the human race would cease to exist.
478
00:18:56,660 --> 00:18:58,800
yes, chances are
479
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:00,060
stella and i are not
480
00:19:00,130 --> 00:19:01,400
going to live happily ever after.

481
00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:03,870
the overwhelming odds have it ending badly.
482
00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:05,400
and when that happens,
483
00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:07,600
it'll be for one of a million possible reasons.
484
00:19:07,670 --> 00:19:09,170
but that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try.
485
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,170
and when it does fail,
486
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,180
so help me god, it's not gonna be because of some rule.
487
00:19:15,710 --> 00:19:18,280
p.s.
488
00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:21,550
you just made my hair look awesome.
489
00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:22,920
good night.
490
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,390
so stella and i went on our date.
491
00:19:27,460 --> 00:19:29,360
but here's the funny thing:
492
00:19:29,430 --> 00:19:31,160
turns out, it wasn't actually a date.
493
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,230
so what do you mean "it wasn't a date"?
494
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,270
she thought we were seeing a movie just as friends.
495
00:19:36,330 --> 00:19:38,100
why would she think that?

496
00:19:38,170 --> 00:19:39,300
did she see your tattoo
497
00:19:39,370 --> 00:19:41,140
and assume you were gay?
498
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:44,140
apparently, there's a rule that says i can't date stella.
499
00:19:44,210 --> 00:19:46,280
exactly: the platinum rule.
500
00:19:46,340 --> 00:19:47,840
stella reads my blog.
501
00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:50,110
no, this rule comes from the american medical association.
502
00:19:50,180 --> 00:19:53,180
doctors aren't legally allowed to date their patients.
503
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,050
oh, sorry, ted.
504
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,150
eh, it's okay.
505
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:58,450
what are you guys watching?
506
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,120
so that was the end of the story
507
00:20:00,190 --> 00:20:03,160
between me and stella, at least for the time being.
508
00:20:03,230 --> 00:20:05,800
but i don't know, looking back on the platinum rule,
509
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:07,130
i think there's a ninth step.
510
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,130
we'll call it coexistence.

511
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:11,530
it's the moment you realize that all that anger
512
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,570
and resentment just isn't useful.
513
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:14,740
thanks for watching.
514
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,840
good night.
515
00:20:17,910 --> 00:20:20,080
and you start to let go of it.
516
00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:21,410
hey, guys.
517
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,110
so what do you guys have going on tonight?
518
00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:25,780
we're going to have a few friends over.
519
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,150
gonna play some charades.
520
00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:28,750
have fun.
521
00:20:32,290 --> 00:20:33,790
and move on with your life.
522
00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:35,660
it just takes a while.
523
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,030
on the house.
524
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:39,100
thanks.
525
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000

526
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000

0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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