Family Reunion Screenplay

“Family Reunion”
Original Screenplay Written By Jason Wiese

“Family Reunion” Original Screenplay by Jason Wiese 2
FADE IN
EXT. – I-95 HIGHWAY IN CONNECTICUT – CLOUDY DAY
A light blue, BMW SUV is driving down a wooded stretch of

the highway. It‟s Thanksgiving weekend and the trees that
border the road are all showing their best fall foliage
colors.
INT. – BMW SUV
JANE BAKER, a professional-looking, well put together

brunette woman in her mid-thirties is driving.
JANE
So are you finally going to tell
the parents this weekend?
TED BAKER, a clean-cut, professional-looking man in his

early thirties is sitting in the passenger‟s seat.
TED
Yeah, I guess I should…sentencing
is in two weeks.
Ted spends most of his time looking aimlessly out the

window at the fall foliage, only occasionally turning to
look at Jane.
JANE
Well maybe it won‟t be that bad,
it‟s your first offense, maybe
you‟ll just get a slap on the wrist.
TED
Jane, I‟m going to jail. There‟s
no doubt about that. I‟m looking
at a minimum of 3-5 years in federal
prison, I might even get twenty
years.
(pause)
We bilked a lot of money from a
lot of innocent people…and for
what? So my boss could get a
third yacht and a second private
plane? I don‟t even know why
someone would need a second
plane.
JANE
Maybe you can use that in your
defense for sentencing, that you
were just carrying out your boss‟
orders, that you were just a naïve
middleman.
TED
I wasn‟t innocent, I knew what
I was doing. I was enamored by
the idea of all that wealth and
getting my piece of the pie, albeit
a smaller piece, but a piece
nonetheless.
JANE
So do you know how you‟re going to
break the news?
TED
I don‟t know, I don‟t know. I just
wish I didn‟t have to do it in
front of the whole family.
JANE
That‟s your fault. If you just told
the parents what happened when you
got arrested, or at least before
you went to trial, this all would‟ve
been well behind you.
TED
I know. It‟s just not that easy to
look the parents in the face and
admit you‟re an utter failure.
JANE
Come on, you‟re not a failure, you
just screwed up. Everyone‟s allowed
one “do over.” This is yours.
TED
I hope.
JANE
Besides, I don‟t think the parents
will be that shocked.
TED
(confused)
What do you mean?
JANE
The parents always kind of considered
you the black sheep. You know, the
way they see it is you ran off to
New York City after college for the
easy buck. You started making a lot
of money and you didn‟t look back.
You never went back to New England
to visit mom and dad, you hardly
even called them. You hit the big
time and forgot about the small
town folk like them. You forgot
where you came from.
TED
I was busy.
JANE
Regardless, that hurt their feelings.
TED
I know. What can I say, I‟m sorry.
JANE
Tell the parents that.
TED
I only now know the errors of my
ways.
JANE
I‟m sure the parents will be very
happy to hear your apology.
TED
And they‟re just going to tell me
why can‟t I be more like Jane.
Jane is the perfect child, she
has the perfect life and she‟s so
stable. I don‟t need to hear all
that, I know I haven‟t always done
the right thing, I know I‟m not a
good son. I know all this, I don‟t
need the parents getting on me even
more.
JANE
Well why can‟t you be more like me?
Look at my life…I have a beautiful
house in Fairfield, I got this nice
BMW, I got a great job in Stamford,
and I‟ve gotten all this the right
way.
(pause)
I also see the parents at least six
times a year and I talk to them on
the phone every Sunday.
TED
(condescending)
You‟re right, you‟re little Miss
Perfect.
JANE
I‟m not trying to rub it in, I‟m
just trying to be a role model to
my little brother. I want to show
you there‟s a way to get all the
things you want without breaking
the law.
TED
Fine, I get it.
There are a few moments of silence as Ted continues looking

out the window. Ted finally breaks the silence.
TED
I‟m nervous. Do you know the last
time I was nervous?
JANE
No, when?
TED
Mrs. Bellini‟s 4th grade class, I
had to stand up in front of the
class and give a presentation on
the planet Jupiter. I was so
nervous that I threw up twice at
home before I went to school that
day.
JANE
And it turned out fine, didn‟t it?
TED
I got an A.
JANE
And this will be fine too.
TED
I just wish grandma wasn‟t there,
that might actually make me cry to
see her reaction when her grandson
tells her he‟s going to jail.
JANE
Just stay strong. Admit your faults,
take it like a man and assure
everyone that you‟ve learned from
your mistakes and you‟ll be fine.
TED
OK.
Ted reaches to the radio and turns it on to some music.
EXT. – I-95 HIGHWAY IN CONNECTICUT – CLOUDY DAY
The BMW SUV continues driving down the highway and passes a
sign that reads “Providence – 50 miles.”
EXT. – LARGE HOUSE IN NEW ENGLAND – DAY
The BMW SUV pulls up in front of the house and both Jane
and Ted get out.
They take their luggage out of the trunk and then stand for
a moment just looking at the house.
TED
Well here we go.
JANE
You‟ll be just fine. Good luck,
I‟m here to support you too.
Ted and Jane walk up to the house.

INT. – BAKER FAMILY HOUSE
FRONT DOOR
The doorbell rings and Ted‟s mom, LAURA, a very motherly-

looking woman in her mid-fifties, approaches the door and
opens it.
Standing there at the front door is Jane and Ted. Upon

seeing them, their mother screams out in delight. Jane
also screams out and gives her mother a big hug.
LAURA
Oh my god! Jane and Ted, Jane and
Ted, Jane and Ted! So great to see
you, I‟m so glad you both could come!
JANE
There wasn‟t a chance we‟d miss
grandma‟s 85th birthday and the
great Thanksgiving feast you‟ve
organized.
LAURA
That‟s so sweet.
(looks at Ted)
Hi son.
Ted hugs his mother and kisses her on the cheek. His hug
is a lot less warm than Jane‟s.
TED
Hi mom.
Laura runs her fingers through his hair and pinches his
cheek.
LAURA
I‟m so happy you could make it up
here. I really am.
TED
Yeah, I‟m glad I could come too.
Ted‟s Dad, WALTER, a taller, stern-looking gentleman in his

late fifties, approaches the front door behind the mom.
WALTER
(condescending)
Well look who has decided to grace
us with his presence.
(looks at his wife)
Honey, it must be a big time family
reunion if even Ted has decided to
join us.
Laura playfully hits him in the stomach.
LAURA
Oh stop, I just want to have a lovely,
stress-free, time with the whole
family this weekend.
Ted shakes his dad‟s hand.
TED
How‟s it going dad?
WALTER
Good.
(looks him over for a moment)
Well come on inside.
LAURA
Yes, come in, come in, most of the
family is already here.
Walter walks down the hallway first while the mom grabs
both Jane‟s and Ted‟s arm and walks arm-in-arm with them
down the hallway. She has a smile covering her whole face.
LARGE FAMILY ROOM
Jane, Ted and his parents enter a large room where about 15
relatives, spanning three generations, are mingling among
each other.
Laura yells out to get everyone‟s attention.
LAURA
Hey, hey, listen up everyone. Look
who‟s here? Jane and Ted!
With Ted following, Jane immediately walks over to her

GRANDMOTHER, an 85 year old, short but feisty woman. She
gives her a big hug.
JANE
Hi grandma, happy birthday!
GRANDMA BAKER
Janey, so good to see you.
Ted kisses her on the cheek and gives her a big hug.
TED
Hi grandma.
GRANDMA BAKER
Ahhh, Teddy, I knew you‟d come up
here. Most of the other family
members had their doubts, but I
knew you‟d come. You‟re a good
grandchild.
TED
Thanks grandma.
The grandma grabs both of their hands and leads them to a

table with food on it in the corner of the room.
GRANDMA BAKER
Kids, come, come with me. Let me
make you each a plate of appetizers.
Your mom set up a lovely cheese
and crackers spread.
TED
Oh don‟t worry grandma, I can make
my own plate.
GRANDMA BAKER
Oh, that‟s right, you‟re such a big
boy now. You don‟t need little old
me to help you with anything.
TED
Ohhh come on grandma, it‟s not like
that.
Although Ted insists he doesn‟t need her help, the grandma

pulls together a plate filled with cheese and crackers for
him anyways, while Jane puts together her own plate.
GRANDMA BAKER
Here you go, Ted. I put a nice
assortment of cheeses on your
plate.
Ted takes the plate from her.
TED
Thanks grandma, you didn‟t have to
do this.
GRANDMA BAKER
Oh nonsense, how often can I pamper
my grandma? I never get to see you.
The grandma grabs Jane‟s hand and drags her away from the
table.
GRANDMA BAKER
Janey, come here with me, I have to
show you this adorable new purse that
I just got the other day at Macy‟s.
It was marked down 80% and I got it
for a steal.
JANE
Sure, grandma, I‟d love to see it.
UNCLE HAROLD, a gregarious, large, blue collar-looking man

in his late fifties, spots Ted from across the room and
yells out to him. He‟s Walter‟s brother.
UNCLE HAROLD
Teddy, yo Teddy get your ass over
here.
TED
Hey Uncle Harold.
His uncle puts him in a big bear hug followed by a playful

headlock as soon as Ted approaches.
TED
OK, uncle. Uncle, I call uncle!
The uncle lets him go then playfully slaps Ted in the face.
UNCLE HAROLD
How‟s it going kid? You still pulling
in all that money in the big city?
TED
I‟m doing OK.
UNCLE HAROLD
Ahhh, bullshit. You‟re doing more
than OK. You‟re mom keeps me up
on what you‟re doing. Not that she
knows a lot because you little prick
don‟t even call her ever. But she
knows enough about you and your what
you‟re doing in life.
(pause)
So you got any investment tips for a
guy like me?
TED
Yeah, don‟t invest, you‟ll probably
end up getting ripped off.
UNCLE HAROLD
(laughs)
Ahhh, friggin‟ kid. You shouldn‟t
be the one being all paranoid, you‟re
in the business. Normal guys like
me should be all scared to trust
our hard earned money with some
jerk off that may just want to steal
it.
(pause)
So come on kid. Gimme something,
just one piece of advice, I‟m looking
to become more financially stable.
TED
Yeah, invest in CDs.
UNCLE HAROLD
CDs? What‟s that going to get me?
3, 4 percent?
TED
Probably, but at least it‟ll be
safe.
(MORE)
TED (cont‟d)
Here Harold, have the rest of my
cheese plate.
Ted give his uncle the rest of the food on his plate and
walks away.
On the other side of the room, Jane is talking to AIMEE,

her very attractive, nineteen year old cousin.
Aimee is dressed a lot more provocative than anyone else in

the room – a very tight sweater and a mini-skirt.
JANE
So Aimee, how‟s your first semester
at college going?
COUSIN AIMEE
(uninterested)
Good.
JANE
How has the adjustment been from
living at home to living away at a
dorm? I know when I did it I was
scared as heck for the first two
months, then I slowly got used to
it and learned to actually love the
freedom.
COUSIN AIMEE
It hasn‟t been that bad.
JANE
What‟s been your favorite class so
far?
Aimee thinks about an answer for a few seconds.
COUSIN AIMEE
Ohhh, I don‟t know, they‟re all
the same to me.
JANE
What classes are you taking?
Aimee has to think about this answer for a few seconds too.
COUSIN AIMEE
Ummm, hmmm, I‟m taking a math class,
and ummm, a history class and I think
a psychology class.
JANE
(interrupts)
You think you‟re taking a psychology
class? You don‟t know for sure?
COUSIN AIMEE
Well I mean, all these classes blend
in to me. You know how it is, the
first semester of college is so
overwhelming, you don‟t know which
end is up most of the time.
JANE
Ohhh I know how it is, believe me I
do. What kind of math course are
you taking?
COUSIN AIMEE
Ummm, it‟s ummm, Math 101. I‟m not
even sure what kind of math it is.
Math really isn‟t one of my strong
suits.
JANE
I was really good at math back in
the day, so if you ever need a tutor,
I‟m here for you.
COUSIN AIMEE
Thanks cousin.
JANE
Hey it‟s the least I can do to help
out a fellow family member.
On the other side of the room, Ted is talking to his UNCLE

BRADLEY, a man in his early fifties.
UNCLE BRADLEY
So how is it living in the big city?
TED
It‟s great, it‟s awesome actually.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Where do you live?
TED
I have a loft downtown in SOHO.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Wow, sounds fancy.
TED
It‟s nice.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You got a lot of room?
TED
I got enough, it‟s New York City
after all. Even the big apartments
are small.
UNCLE BRADLEY
How‟s your job?
TED
It‟s OK.
UNCLE BRADLEY
OK? Just OK? I thought you were
a big shot, making all this kind
of money.
TED
Well my job isn‟t always as great
as people think it is. There‟s a
lot of stress…a lot of stress.
But it‟s OK.
UNCLE BRADLEY
That‟s good, it could be worse.
You could be unemployed, it‟s tough
in this environment, you know?
TED
Oh, I know.
UNCLE BRADLEY
So how are the ladies treating you?
TED
Ahhh you know. You got your good
streaks and your dry spells. Right
now I‟m in a dry spell.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Dry spell? How could a good looking
guy like yourself be in a dry spell?
TED
I don‟t know. It‟s not always that
easy, especially in a city like
New York. No matter who you are,
there‟s always going to be someone
out there that‟s better looking or
more successful than you. And girls
will gravitate towards them.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Don‟t worry. You know how these
things work. Before you know it,
and when you least expect it, things
will turn around.
TED
I know.
UNCLE BRADLEY
And I‟m sure it doesn‟t hurt that
you do have some money to throw at
the ladies. That should impress at
least some girls, right? New
York is a big city and there‟s
plenty of fish in the sea, right?
TED
(laughs)
Right.
Ted‟s mother approaches Ted and Uncle Bradley.
LAURA
Ted, Bradley, we‟ll be moving into
the dining room soon for dinner.
Please start making your way over
there.
TED
OK mom.
Laura walks away to inform the other relatives that dinner

will be served soon.
TED
So Uncle Bradley, do you want to
start making your way to the dining
room?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Yeah, in a minute. I have to find
the wife.
TED
Yeah, where is Aunt Charlotte? I
haven‟t seen her yet.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Good question, I don‟t know where
she went. I haven‟t seen her in
about 15 minutes. Let me go find
her.
Laura walks over to Bradley‟s son, COUSIN JAKE, a loner in

his late teens who barely ever smiles.
He‟s sitting on a chair by himself in the corner of the

room, away from everyone else.
LAURA
Come on Jake, let‟s go it‟s dinner
time.
COUSIN JAKE
OK. I‟ll be there in a minute
Aunt Laura.
LAURA
Good, good, don‟t be late.
Laura walks away as Jake stands up and walks across the

room.
Remembering that he forgot something, he walks back to his

chair and grabs his backpack. As he does that, Laura walks
by him.
LAURA
Come on Jake, make your way to the
dining room.
COUSIN JAKE
I am, I am, I just need to go to the
bathroom for a minute.
FAMILY OFFICE ROOM
AUNT CHARLOTTE, a plain looking woman in her late forties,

is on her cell phone secretly talking to her friend.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
(softly)
I miss you. How‟s your holiday
weekend going so far?
(listens to a response)
That‟s good. When‟s the next time
I‟ll see you?
Next Friday? That‟s so far away.
Her husband, Uncle Bradley, opens up the door, which was

slightly ajar, and walks into the room.
UNCLE BRADLEY
There you are! I‟ve been looking
all over for you.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
(startled)
Ohhh, hey there Brad.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Who are you talking too?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Just my friend Nancy.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Ohhh OK. Well dinner is ready to be
served.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
OK, I‟ll be out there in a minute,
I just have to say goodbye to Nancy.
UNCLE BRADLEY
OK, tell her I say hello.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I will.
Bradley walks out of the room and Charlotte goes back to

talking on the phone.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Sorry about that, Bradley came into
the room.
No, he doesn‟t suspect a thing, I
told him I was talking to my friend
Nancy.
No, I swear he‟s totally in the dark.
So where were we?
Oh yeah, that‟s right, so I‟m going
to see you next Friday?
Great, I can‟t wait to see you. And
I can‟t wait for you to hold me in
your arms again.
I like it when I‟m in your arms and
we cuddle.
I told you it‟s going to take some
time, but don‟t worry, we‟re going
to be together soon. Trust me.
I love you.
I have to go now. I‟ll call you
again later tonight.
(listen to a response)
You too. Bye.
Charlotte hangs up her cell phone, stands up and walks out

of the room.
BATHROOM
Jake puts his backpack down on the floor, opens it up and

rifles through it until he finds a Ziploc bag.
He takes it out and puts it on the bathroom counter. He

goes through the bag and pulls out a needle and a baggie of
heroin.
LARGE FAMILY ROOM
Laura and Walter are the last two people left in the room.
LAURA
OK, it looks like everyone‟s made
their way into the dining room.
Let‟s go, you‟re the man of the
hour right now. I need you to carve
the turkey.
WALTER
Sure thing honey.
All of a sudden, his cell phone rings. He takes the phone

out of his pocket and looks at the number calling.
WALTER
Actually, I need to take this call.
I‟ll be right there. Just give me
a minute.
LAURA
(confused)
What? You need to take the call now?
Really?
Walter clearly looks like he has something else on his

mind.
WALTER
Yeah, sorry, it‟s business honey.
You know when you own your own
business, you‟re on the clock at
all times. Even Thanksgiving.
LAURA
OK, but hurry up.
Laura kisses him on the cheek.
WALTER
I will.
Laura walks out of the room while Walter answers his cell
phone.
WALTER
(softly)
Yeah, hello.
Walter sneaks away into a
GUEST BEDROOM
WALTER (cont‟d)
I know I owe you money and I‟m late
on my last payment.
Don‟t worry you‟ll get your money.
Soon, soon. It‟s coming. It‟s
just that business has been a little
slow lately, this damn recession
is hurting me. But things are going
to turn up soon, I swear. And when
that happens, you‟ll have your money
plus interest.
Soon, I swear.
Look, let me dig myself out of this
hole.
I know you shut me off the last
couple of weeks, but allow me to
lay more bets. I have a good feeling
about this weekend‟s games.
Please, I‟m desperate. And I‟m
good for it. I should have two big
consulting checks coming in over
the next month.
Please.
Thank you. Thank you. OK, ummm,
ummm, I want to put a dime on the
Cowboys today.
Yeah, and I‟ll call you Sunday
morning for the rest of my weekend
picks.
No, no, no I understand.
(MORE)
WALTER (cont‟d)
And thank you for being so
understanding. I really appreciate
it.
Well I hope that won‟t be necessary.
I‟ll call you on Sunday.
He hangs up the phone, looks up to the ceiling in

frustration then slowly walks out of the room.
BATHROOM
Jake is sitting on the toilet seat, which is down, as he

finds a vein on his arm and shoots up heroin.
Once he shoots up, the needle slides out of his hand and
falls to the ground.
He moves his head back and leans it against the wall, his
eyes roll to the back of his head. He‟s clearly getting
the high.
DINING ROOM
The whole family of about 20 or so relatives are sitting

around a large table in the center of the dining room.
Walter enters the room late as everyone is already seated

and he takes his place at the head of the table.
WALTER
Sorry I‟m late everyone.
LAURA
Is everything OK?
WALTER
(confused)
What?
LAURA
The phone call you just got about
work, is everything OK?
WALTER
Ohh, yeah. Everything‟s great.
Let‟s eat.
Laura hands him the carving knife.
LAURA
Here go you honey. Please do the
honors.
WALTER
Certainly.
Walter starts carving the turkey while Jane looks around

the table and takes in the abundance of food.
JANE
Mom, everything looks simply
delicious.
LAURA
(smiles)
Oh, why thank you so much Jane.
TED
Yeah, mom, everything looks good.
Thanks for putting this together.
LAURA
It‟s certainly my pleasure to get
the whole family together like this.
(looks at her husband)
When was the last time we did
something like this?
WALTER
Jeez, it must‟ve been at least 15,
16 years ago. Maybe even 20 years.
I think Ted was in junior high the
last time the whole family got
together.
LAURA
Oh, you know what? You‟re right.
It was almost 20 years old. Ohhh,
so long ago. Let‟s all make a
pact right now to not wait so
long to do another family reunion.
WALTER
I can agree with that.
LAURA
I think doing a reunion every other
year would be perfect.
UNCLE HAROLD
Yeah and we‟ll mix up the locations
too. Next time we can do it out at
my place in California.
LAURA
Ahhh, that‟d be excellent.
UNCLE HAROLD
Good, then it‟s settled.
Walter finishes carving the turkey and puts the knife down.
WALTER
And so is the turkey. Let‟s eat.
LAURA
Good, good, take a seat.
Walter sits down. Just as everyone gets ready to dig into

the food, Laura realizes that she forgot something.
LAURA
Ohhh, darn.
WALTER
What‟s that dear?
LAURA
I forgot the gravy on the stove.
COUSIN ELIZABETH, a pretty redhead in her late twenties who

is sitting across the table from Laura, speaks up.
ELIZABETH
That‟s OK, I‟ll grab it Aunt Laura.
LAURA
OK, can you also grab that special
bowl that I always use for Sunday
dinner? I forgot to grab that too.
ELIZABETH
Sure, no problem. Where is it?
LAURA
It‟s downstairs in the basement,
where it always is.
ELIZABETH
(apprehensively)
Ohhh, OK.
LAURA
What‟s wrong?
ELIZABETH
Ohh, nothing, it‟s just that the
bowl is usually high up on that big
shelf downstairs. It‟s kind of
hard for me to reach.
TOMMY, a handsome man in his late twenties, who is sitting

a couple seats down from Elizabeth, speaks up.
TOMMY
Hey Elizabeth, I‟ll help you.
LAURA
Ohh, thanks Tommy.
Tommy and Elizabeth both stand up and walk out of the room.
BASEMENT
Elizabeth walks down the stairs followed closely by Tommy.
After walking halfway across the room, Tommy suddenly grabs

her from behind, pushes her up against the wall and
passionately kisses her.
After a few heated moments, Elizabeth gently pushes him

away.
ELIZABETH
Tommy, Tommy. Stop Tommy.
TOMMY
What? Do you know how hard it is
to keep my hands to myself at the
dinner table?
ELIZABETH
I don‟t know, how hard is it?
Elizabeth rubs her hand down Tommy‟s chest and grabs his
crotch.
ELIZABETH (cont‟d)
Wow, it is kind of hard.
TOMMY
(laughs)
Now who‟s being the randy one?
ELIZABETH
Randy? You sound like an old man.
TOMMY
Come on, kiss me again.
Tommy leans in for a quick kiss but Elizabeth pushes him

away again.
ELIZABETH
We can‟t, we have to get back to
the table with the bowl.
TOMMY
OK, fine.
Elizabeth walks over to a big shelf in the corner of the

room with Tommy.
ELIZABETH
Can you give me a boost baby?
TOMMY
Sure.
Tommy picks up Elizabeth at the hips and she grabs a bowl

from the top shelf.
Once she gets in, Tommy lets her down but keeps his hands
around her waist and locks his hands around her in an
embrace.
Elizabeth turns around in Tommy‟s arms so that she is

facing him.
ELIZABETH
We have to tell the family.
TOMMY
I know, I know.
ELIZABETH
No seriously we do. I mean, we‟re
engaged! This is something that we
should be sharing with our family.
They should be experiencing our
joy too.
TOMMY
Baby, I know.
ELIZABETH
And I want to be able to show off
my engagement ring to everybody.
TOMMY
I know, this isn‟t the easiest news
to break to the family though.
ELIZABETH
I get it, but they‟ll find out
eventually.
TOMMY
OK, when the moment‟s right in the
next month or so, we‟ll tell
everyone.
ELIZABETH
You promise?
TOMMY
Yes, I promise.
ELIZABETH
Thanks!
Elizabeth and Tommy kiss.
DINING ROOM
Elizabeth and Tommy walk back into the dining room.

Elizabeth, who is carrying the bowl, places it down in the
middle of the table.
COUSIN RALPH, a bratty kid in his early teens, speaks up at

the end of the table.
COUSIN RALPH
It‟s about time, where were you guys?
Aunt Charlotte, who‟s Ralph‟s mom, slaps Ralph on the hand.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Ralphie, where‟s your manners?
COUSIN RALPH
Sorry mom, but they were gone for a
while. That‟s all I‟m saying.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Ralphie!
LAURA
Thanks Elizabeth and Tommy for
grabbing the bowl.
ELIZABETH
No problem Aunt Laura.
Elizabeth and Tommy sit back down.
Tommy looks at her once she sits down and gives her a wink.
Elizabeth smiles coyly.
LAURA
OK, now we can eat.
With that pronouncement, everyone starts passing around

dishes and bowls, grabbing food and talking to each other.
LATER ON
Uncle Harold is in the middle of entertaining the family

with a story he‟s no doubt told several times before.
UNCLE HAROLD
Wally, Tony, you remember how much
havoc we used to cause back in the
day at school?
UNCLE TONY, a handsome man in his fifties who is Harold and

Ted‟s brother, speaks up.
UNCLE TONY
How could I forget? I was on a
(MORE)
UNCLE TONY (cont‟d)

first name basis with the detention
teacher.
Tony remembers that he is at a table with impressionable

kids.
UNCLE TONY (cont‟d)

Oh kids, that wasn‟t cool, I, I
wasn‟t cool. I had to spend a lot
of my time being punished in a
classroom after school while my
friends were able to hang out and
participate in extracurricular
activities and sports. Let this
be a lesson to you, don‟t be like
me.
UNCLE HAROLD
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But guys remember
right before the big football game
during Homecoming weekend, we stole
the mascot‟s uniform from Cranston
East the morning of the football
game and then two hours later we
pummeled them on the football field.
UNCLE TONY
I was in junior high at the time.
UNCLE HAROLD
Yeah, we wanted to introduce you
to the rivalry at an early age.
WALTER
(interrupts him)
If I recall that game correctly, I
ran for three touchdowns and rushed
for 153 yards.
UNCLE HAROLD
Yes, yes.
UNCLE HAROLD‟S WIFE, a pretty brunette in her late

thirties, speaks up. She‟s Harold‟s second wife and is
much younger than him.
UNCLE HAROLD‟S WIFE

Harold, should you really be telling
stories about you guys stealing
things?
UNCLE HAROLD
Sure, it‟s all harmless fun.
WALTER
But nothing beats what you did
Harold.
UNCLE HAROLD
I know, that was awesome.
WALTER
Only you would then take the mascot‟s
uniform, dress up in it and go to
the homecoming dance later that
night after the game.
UNCLE HAROLD
I was certainly a hit that night,
wasn‟t I?
WALTER
You were.
UNCLE HAROLD
I think I scored three girls‟ phone
numbers that night…my date didn‟t
like that very much.
WALTER
I remember, she stormed out before
the last dance.
UNCLE HAROLD
That was OK, I had the final dance
with one of the three girls whose
phone number I scored that night.
I don‟t remember which girl that
was though.
UNCLE TONY
What did you ever do with the
uniform anyways?
UNCLE HAROLD
I think I tossed it in the river.
It was sitting in the back seat of
my Camaro, just taking up room. I
drove by the Blackstone River one
day and I just decided to pull over
spur of the moment and get rid of
it.
(pause)
Ahhh, whatever, screw Cranston East.
The family members give Uncle Harold polite, but fake,

laughter since they‟ve all heard the story before.
COUSIN PHIL, Uncle Harold‟s son in his early twenties,

interrupts him.
COUSIN PHIL
Dad, every time we get together with
family members, you tell the same
tired stories.
(pause)
I mean this story is from your high
school days…it was decades ago!

Hey, show your dad some respect.
COUSIN PHIL
Mom, I don‟t mean any disrespect,
but we‟ve all heard this story
countless times before. Every time
someone visits us in California,
they get treated to the same story.
Can‟t we talk about something
different? I mean there‟s twenty
of us sitting here and we never see
each other together in one spot.
Someone has to have a new story to
entertain us, right?
Elizabeth and Tommy look at each other and try to decide

through each other‟s eyes if they should break the news to
the family, but they keep quiet.
After a few moments of silence, Jane speaks up.

JANE
I bet Ted has something to share
with the family.
Ted gives her the look of death as Jane smiles to him.
Ted hesitates to say anything.
LAURA
Great idea honey. Yes, Ted, since
you haven‟t seen the family in a
long time, I‟m sure you have a ton
of wonderful stories that you can
share. After all, we‟re all just
small town folk, we don‟t what it‟s
like to live in a big city. So
come on, give us a story.
JANE
(smugly)
Yes Ted, give the family a story.
TED
(hesitantly)
OK.
Ted takes a few moments to gain his composure and muster up

the strength to tell the family about his conviction.
TED (cont‟d)
Here it goes.
Ted gives Jane one more look of death stare for good
measure before he finally opens up.
TED (cont‟d)
Recently I was convicted of a
white collar crime. Several
felonies. Right now I‟m out on
bond awaiting sentencing, but I‟m
going to jail for a while.
Everyone around the table sits in stunned silence.
LAURA
(stunned)
Ted, are you joking?
TED
(solemnly)
Mom, I wish I could say I was, but
I‟m not…it‟s true.
Walter stands up, looking completely mad and like he‟s

going to hit Ted.
WALTER
You friggin‟ punk!
Uncle Harold, who is sitting next to Walter, holds him

back.
UNCLE HAROLD
Hey, Wally, calm down. Relax!
LAURA
(concerned)
Oh no, Walter, sit down!
Walter sits back down but he‟s still livid. He throws his
napkin down on the table in disgust.
WALTER
Stupid, stupid, stupid. You know,
you‟re really stupid.
LAURA
Stop. Be calm.
TED
I can‟t argue with that dad.
Walter runs his fingers through his hair to calm down.
WALTER
So what happened?
TED
Me and my firm were involved in a
ponzi scheme.
WALTER
And you knew what your firm was
doing?
TED
I wish I could plead ignorance, but
I can‟t. I knew exactly what we
were doing.
(pause)
A lot of people ended up losing a
lot of money. A lot of innocent
people. We stole from the elderly,
from charities, from pension funds.
COUSIN RALPH
(interrupts)
What‟s a ponzi scheme?
WALTER
It‟s a scam Ralphie, that‟s all you
need to know. Take a good hard
look at your cousin Ted, you don‟t
want to turn into that guy. He‟s
a thief.
TED
Dad.
LAURA
(disapprovingly)
Walter.
WALTER
So what happened to all the money?
TED
I honestly don‟t know. I took some,
not a whole lot, maybe $500-$600
thousand dollars. I‟m forfeiting
it all at my sentencing. My boss
took hundreds of millions, bought
a bunch of boats and houses, which
have all been seized. But neither
the government nor my boss can
account for about $5 billion.
WALTER
Jeez, Laura, where did we screw up
in raising Ted? Not only is he a
thief but he also doesn‟t think
$600 thousand dollars is a lot of
money.
JANE
I‟m still Daddy‟s little angel
though.
LAURA
Jane, not now.
WALTER
Always out for the easy buck. I
knew something like this was going
to happen eventually. You‟re not
content with just being happy and
comfortable. No you had to go to
the big city and make a name for
yourself at the expense of other
people‟s livelihoods. I hope your
proud of yourself.
LAURA
Now Walter, that is quite enough.
Everyone makes mistakes.
WALTER
What a waste of a life. You could‟ve
stayed here, entered the family
business, made enough money to be
very comfortable and you would‟ve
done it the right way, with no legal
entanglements.
TED
I didn‟t want to go into the family
business though.
WALTER
OK, fine, you could‟ve done something
else. My point is, you were a smart
kid, you had talent, and you wasted
it.
TED
I know dad.
WALTER
Are you at least remorseful?
TED
Very. I know how badly I screwed up.
(MORE)
TED (cont‟d)
It really hit home during the trial,
when the prosecution called victim
after victim to tell their stories
of betrayal. How there was this one
old woman from Wisconsin who had her
whole life savings invested with us
after her husband died eight years
ago, only to find out that she had
no money left. She had to go move
into a nursing home. Or the St.
Jude‟s Children‟s Research Hospital,
they lost millions in investments
through us.
WALTER
Stealing from a foundation that
researches childhood cancer. How
do you sleep at night knowing you
did all this?
TED
Not very well.
(pause)
There were suicides too. One couple,
they were some kind of socialites in
West Palm Beach, lost millions. They
couldn‟t afford their high priced
country club memberships anymore or
their yacht or their Bentleys.
They thought they were nothing without
their rich kids‟ toys, so one night
when they alone in their house, they
both ODed on sleeping pills.
(pause)
It sucks to know that I had a hand
in all these people‟s demise.
LAURA
How come you didn‟t tell us when
you got arrested? You could‟ve used
the family as a support system.
TED
I was embarrassed. I went to New
York to make something of myself,
I wanted to come back here and
show everyone how successful I was.
(MORE)
TED (cont‟d)
I guess I let blind ambition get
the best of me. And in the process
I let everyone down, and worse I
broke the law and ruined the lives
of many innocent people.
WALTER
When‟s your sentencing?
TED
Two weeks, right before Christmas.
WALTER
And once you get sentenced, do you
go to jail?
TED
Yes, that day.
LAURA
Wait, so you‟re not going to be
around for Christmas?
TED
No, I‟ll be in jail.
LAURA
Oh my god, this is happening so
suddenly. I wish I had some time
to mentally prepare for the fact
that my only son is going to jail
in less than a month.
WALTER
What kind of time are you looking
at serving?
TED
Minimum is probably going to be
about 3-5 years, I could serve up
to 20 years.
Ted‟s pronouncement makes his mom burst into tears.
LAURA
I‟m sorry, I can‟t hold the tears
in.
Laura stands up and rushes out of the dining room, wiping

away tears with her napkin.
WALTER
See that, you made your mom cry on
Thanksgiving during this family
reunion. Do you how long and hard
your mother worked on this day?
Four months! Getting everyone‟s
flights arranged, creating the
perfect menu, cooking and baking.
And now you ruined it.
TED
All I can say is sorry.
WALTER
Maybe sorry isn‟t good enough.
TED
It probably isn‟t, but it‟s not like
I‟m the only one that‟s ever screwed
up in life. I‟m sure everyone here
isn‟t perfect.
UNCLE HAROLD
(speaks up)
You know you‟re right. I‟ve never
admitted this to anyone until now,
but I served time in jail when I was
in my twenties.

(shocked)
Really?
UNCLE HAROLD
Yes.
COUSIN RALPH
Awesome.
UNCLE HAROLD
Ralphie, it most certainly wasn‟t
awesome.
TED
Uncle Harold, what did you serve time
for?
UNCLE HAROLD
Possession and intent to distribute.
COUSIN PHIL
Intent to distribute what?
UNCLE HAROLD
Marijuana and cocaine.

Really, I‟m shocked.
UNCLE HAROLD
Yeah, really. I was young and foolish
back in my twenties, kind of like
Ted. I fell in with the bad crowd
when I moved out to California.
TED
How much time you serve?
UNCLE HAROLD
Well luckily for me, drug convictions
back then, especially for first time
offenders like myself, weren‟t that
harsh. I served a little over four
months.
Laura makes it back to the dining room, she‟s still wiping

away tears from her face.
LAURA
I‟m sorry everyone for leaving the
table so abruptly.
TED
That‟s OK.
COUSIN RALPH
Yeah, we were just hearing about
Uncle Harold‟s drug conviction when
he was in his twenties.
LAURA
(shocked)
What?
UNCLE HAROLD
That‟s right, I served four months
in prison back in California for
possession and intent to distribute.
WALTER
How come we never knew anything about
this?
UNCLE HAROLD
I was ashamed and embarrassed.
WALTER
But at the very least you could‟ve
leaned on me and Tony for help.
UNCLE HAROLD
I know. But I didn‟t want to seem
like a disappointment to you all.
TONY
So how were you able to get through
that whole ordeal without us finding
out?
UNCLE HAROLD
Well my buddies, who were in the bad
crowd, were at least nice enough to
bail me out of jail and I had a
public defender for trial. I served
my time like a man and I never got
in trouble again. I was grateful to
get a second chance. Just like Ted
should hopefully grateful to get a
second chance. Right, kid?
TED
Oh yes, definitely Uncle.
UNCLE HAROLD
Everyone screws up at least. It
takes a real jackass to screw up
again. Learn from your mistakes
kid.
TED
I plan to.
WALTER
Today has been just so surreal.
(looks at his mother)
Mom, you‟ve been uncharacteristically
quiet through all this?
JANE
Yeah, grandma what gives?
GRANDMA
While I can‟t say that I‟m not
surprised over everything I‟ve heard
so far. I always knew that this
family wasn‟t perfect. We all just
have to roll with the punches and
accept all family members, warts
and all.
TED
Very profound, thanks grandma.
UNCLE HAROLD
So Ted, don‟t worry too much about
prison. Yes, it sucks, but mind
your own business, try to fit in
with everyone else, don‟t start
no trouble and don‟t get into any
fights, but still stand your ground.
The second the population thinks
you‟re a bitch, they‟re going to
start treating you like one.
Ted tries to dismiss his advice.
TED
Thanks for the advice Uncle Harold,
but I think my prison experience
will be a little bit different than
yours?
UNCLE HAROLD
Oh yeah, why do you think that?
TED
I got convicted of a white collar
crime, you got convicted of a drug
crime. Big difference. You probably
went to a maximum security state
(MORE)
TED (cont‟d)
prison, I‟m angling for a minimum
security private prison with white
picket fences instead of barbed-wire
fences to keep the inmates in.
Preferably a prison somewhere in
Connecticut.
UNCLE HAROLD
Good luck with that. I hear that
since there have been so many white
collar convictions over the last
decade, that more and more white
collar convicts are being mixed in
with the general population at state
prisons.
(pause)
Regardless, prison is prison, no
matter if it is a super maximum
federal prison or a white collar
camp. No matter where you go, it
won‟t be a picnic, I can promise you
that. You‟re every move is monitored
by the man, you‟re forced to do menial
labor every day, like clean the
bathrooms or make soup for the rest
of the inmates, you only get an hour
or so of sunlight a day, the rest of
the time you‟re sharing an 8x8 cell
with at least one roommate, sometimes
even two. It sucks.
TED
Great.
UNCLE HAROLD
Yeah, I‟m telling you it sucks.
But like I said, don‟t worry about
it right now. There‟s nothing you
can do about it, you‟re going to
jail; if you worry about it now
you‟re just going to have unnecessary
stress. Just deal with it when the
time comes.
JANE
So were you an addict?
UNCLE HAROLD
What?
JANE
Well, you said you got convicted of
possession and intent to distribute.
So were you an addict or did you
just sell it?
LAURA
Jane, stop it, it‟s water under the
bridge, it happened thirty years
ago.
UNCLE HAROLD
No, no, that‟s OK Laura. I can openly
talk about my transgressions.
(pause)
I don‟t know I‟d say I was an addict
Jane, but I did smoke weed and do
cocaine. Not a lot and I didn‟t do
it for that long, maybe a few years,
a couple times a week. I sold drugs
for a few years too. I had to figure
out a way to make it through life
in my earlier years. I had moved
out to California to get new
experiences in life, I didn‟t have
any money, didn‟t have any skills
at that point that could translate
to a meaningful job. I couldn‟t
pay my rent so I started selling.
Nothing major though, just enough
to allow me to pay my rent, eat and
go out to the bars and clubs two or
three times a week. That‟s all.
JANE
So at least you weren‟t at addict,
I‟ve seen what happens to those
people on that Interventions TV
show, it‟s messed up. A lot of
those people have lost everything
in their lives, and all over being
addicted to drugs.
UNCLE HAROLD
I know, it‟s unfortunate. But
fortunately I wasn‟t an addict.
COUSIN JAKE
(speaks up)
I am.
UNCLE BRADLEY
(confused)
What?
COUSIN JAKE
I‟m an addict.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
What ever do you mean honey?
COUSIN JAKE
Right before I came to the dinner
table tonight I went to the bathroom
and shot up heroin.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Heroin, what? Why?
COUSIN JAKE
To get by.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Jake, I‟m confused. Are you serious?
COUSIN JAKE
Yes.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You do heroin?
COUSIN JAKE
Yes, and I‟d like to get help to
quit.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Jake, you know we‟re here for you.
UNCLE BRADLEY
How long have you been doing heroin?
COUSIN JAKE
About eight months.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Why did you start shooting heroin?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Do you hate us?
COUSIN JAKE
No, not at all.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
So why are you doing it?
COUSIN JAKE
College is stressful.
COUSIN RALPH
You go to a community college though.
Charlotte hits Ralph on the hand again.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Stop it Ralphie, I‟m not going to
tell you again. Apologize.
COUSIN RALPH
Sorry mom, sorry Jake.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
If college is so stressful, why
didn‟t you just come to your
father and I to talk about things?
COUSIN JAKE
I don‟t know. It was right before
mid-terms week, I was freaking out
about everything. I went to a
club with a few friends the Saturday
night before to blow off some steam.
One of my friends gave me something,
he said I‟d feel good after taking
it. And I did, I did feel good.
My friend hooked me up with a guy
who supplied me the drug constantly.
I shot up right through mid-terms,
when I was studying and right before
I went to class. And I did good on
my exams. After that it just became
a habit. I did it every day, in
fact I didn‟t know life without it.
I shot up before work, I shot up
before and after class. I shot up
(MORE)
COUSIN JAKE (cont‟d)

before soccer practice. I even
shot up before going on dates.
I couldn‟t function without it.
COUSIN RALPH
Did you shoot up before sex?
Charlotte hits Ralph‟s hand again.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
What did I say?
COUSIN JAKE
I probably did Ralph, to be honest
I was so screwed up I don‟t even
remember, but I‟m sure I did. Hell
I did everything else all messed up
so I probably did that too.
(pause)
Everything started falling apart
over the last few months. I got
kicked off the soccer team due to
my chronic absence.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I thought you quit the team to
focus on your studies?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Obviously that was a lie Charlotte.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Oh, so now you‟re lying to your mother
too?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Honey, let‟s keep our eye on the ball
here.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
So what else did you lie about?
COUSIN JAKE
My grades.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
What was wrong with your grades?
(MORE)
AUNT CHARLOTTE (cont‟d)

You were an all As & Bs student
last semester.
COUSIN JAKE
I wish that was the truth.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
What do you mean?
COUSIN JAKE
I got home early one day from work
when my report card was supposed to
arrive in the mail from school. I
changed the grades, put it in a
new envelope that I got from school
and I dropped it back in the mail.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
So what were you‟re real grades?
COUSIN JAKE
One C and four Ds.
COUSIN RALPH
At least you got that C to help your
GPA.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Four Ds and One C?
COUSIN JAKE
Yes.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You son of a bitch.
COUSIN RALPH
(thinking)
Wait, doesn‟t that mean you‟re
calling mom a bitch?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Shut up Ralph.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Yeah Ralph, please shut up.
(MORE)

But I thought you said you did good
on your mid-terms?
COUSIN JAKE
I did, that wasn‟t a lie. It‟s
just that as I got deeper into
heroin, my grades began to suffer.
UNCLE BRADLEY
This is all really unfortunate to
hear Jake.
COUSIN JAKE
That‟s not all dad. There‟s more.
UNCLE BRADLEY
There‟s more?
COUSIN JAKE
Yeah, I got fired from my job at
the library four months ago. I
stopped showing up most of the
time and when I did show up, I‟d
hide on one of the floors that
were rarely visited by anyone
and I‟d shoot up and pass out
at a desk. They finally found
me passed out sleeping one day.
They couldn‟t wake me up so they
poured a bottle of ice cold water
on me. I finally woke up but then
they fired me.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Well if you haven‟t had a job in
the last four months, how have
you been getting money?
Jake innocently points at his mom, Charlotte.
COUSIN JAKE
I‟ve been taking it from mom‟s
purse.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
(shocked)
What? Jake!
UNCLE BRADLEY
You‟ve been stealing from us?
COUSIN JAKE
Not a lot, just a couple of bucks
here, a couple of bucks there.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You‟ve been taking our money to
buy smack? Really?
COUSIN JAKE
Well it doesn‟t sound great when you
put it like that.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You think this is funny?
COUSIN JAKE
No sir.
UNCLE BRADLEY
So why are you making jokes?
COUSIN JAKE
I‟m not trying to make a joke, I‟m
Honest, it sounds bad that I stole
money from you guys to pay for drugs.
But I‟m a junkie, I can‟t help doing
things like this, whatever it takes
to get my next fix, I‟ll do.
(pause)
In fact, I want to shoot heroin right
now.
UNCLE BRADLEY
No. Where‟s your backpack?
COUSIN JAKE
My what?
UNCLE BRADLEY
You know, you‟re backpack, that‟s
apparently where you keep your drugs.
COUSIN JAKE
I don‟t know where it is.
Bradley stands up.

UNCLE BRADLEY
Well I‟m going to go find it.
Bradley walks out of the room.
COUSIN JAKE
No dad, no!
Jake stands up and rushes out of the room to chase his dad.
WALTER
Should I intervene?
GRANDMA
No, no. Let them iron it out
themselves. It‟s for the best.
LARGE FAMILY ROOM
Bradley enters the room and starts looking around for the
backpack.
UNCLE BRADLEY
(yells)
Where is it? Where is it?
Bradley lifts up coats sitting on a couch and throws them

around looking for the backpack.
COUSIN JAKE
Dad no, I need my stuff!
Jake tries to physically stop his dad a few times, but his
dad just keeps pushing him away. On the last push, Jake
falls down to the floor.
Bradley sees the backpack lying on the floor against a

couch.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Ahhhh, there it is.
Bradley picks up the bag and rushes out of the room. Jake
stands up and runs after him.
BATHROOM
The bathroom door opens and Bradley walks in with Jake on

the ground clinging to his leg.
He puts the bag down, kneels on the ground and searches

around the inside until he finds a few baggies.
COUSIN JAKE
(cries)
No, don‟t do it dad. That‟s all I
have left. That cost me so much
money.
UNCLE BRADLEY
I‟m doing what‟s best for you son.
Bradley opens the baggies and empties all of them into the
toilet. Jake is still crying profusely.
UNCLE BRADLEY
I hate seeing you like this.
COUSIN JAKE
Dad, please don‟t flush the toilet.
I‟ll do anything, please don‟t!
UNCLE BRADLEY
It‟s too late son, I‟ve already
emptied the baggies.
Bradley flushes the toilet as Jake screams out.
Exhausted, Bradley sits on the floor and leans his back

against the wall.
Jake is a mess, he‟s also sitting on the ground crying with

his head in his hands.
COUSIN JAKE
(rocking back and forth)
I need help. I need help.
UNCLE BRADLEY
I know, I know you do. Your mom
and I are here for you.
Bradley moves over to get closer to Jake and puts him in a

big hug while they‟re both sitting on the floor.
UNCLE BRADLEY
I love you Jake, I love you.
COUSIN JAKE
(crying)
I love you too dad.
DINING ROOM
Bradley walks back into the dining room, the only people
sitting around the dinner table are the rest of his family
members - Charlotte and Ralph.
Bradley sits back down and rubs his hands through his hair.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
How did everything go?
UNCLE BRADLEY
It was tough. I got rid of his
drugs, flushed them down the toilet.
He wasn‟t happy, but then we talked.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Oh yeah?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Yeah.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
How did that go?
UNCLE BRADLEY
It was good. I think it was
constructive too. He‟s agreed to
go into rehab, starting this weekend.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Ohhh that‟s great. How do you think
he‟ll do? Do you think he‟ll be OK?
UNCLE BRADLEY
I don‟t know Charlotte, I just don‟t
know. But we‟re going to have to be
there and support him every step of
the way.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Of course.
(pause)
Where is Jake anyways?
UNCLE BRADLEY
He‟s in the bathroom fixing himself up.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
You think that‟s OK?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Oh yeah, don‟t worry I flushed all
the drugs down the toilet and I put
his backpack back in the car and
locked it up.
Bradley looks around and finally notices that no one else

is sitting at the table.
UNCLE BRADLEY
By the way where did everyone go?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
They‟ll be right back. They all
thought this was a perfect time
to take a break from dinner and
stretch their legs or grab a
smoke.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Oh, OK.
EXT. – BAKER FAMILY HOUSE, BACK DECK – CLOUDY DAY
Ted walks out of the house by himself and over to the edge
of the deck.
He looks out over the backyard and to the forest in the

distance. Then he takes a joint out of his pocket, lights
it up and starts smoking it.
His grandma opens the door to the house, walks out and
joins Ted.
TED
Hey grandma.
GRANDMA
Hello Teddy.
Upon seeing his grandma he tries to hide the joint in his

hand, but she sees it anyways.
TED
Pretty wild day, don‟t you think?
GRANDMA
You could say that, but then again
all families have their issues.
(looks at Ted‟s joint
Hidden in his hand)
Can I get some of that?
TED
Grandma, do you know what this is?
GRANDMA
Please all you kids make me laugh.
It‟s like you all think that drugs
were invented in the „70s and us
old farts don‟t know how to hang.
(pause)
Do you know that when your grand-
father was courting me back in
the early fifties, him and I used
to sit on his parents‟ front porch
and get stoned throughout the
evening? It was quite liberating.
TED
That‟s interesting to hear grandma,
I would‟ve never thought that about
You.
GRANDMA
Oh yeah, we were potheads back in
the day.
Ted gives his grandma the joint.
TED
Lucky for you that I‟ve recently
moved from cocaine to weed. I
wanted to get more mellow in life
after my conviction. Coke just
made me too much on edge.
GRANDMA
Yeah, neither myself or your grand-
father ever did coke. It wasn‟t
worth it. All we wanted to do
was relax.
TED
I hear you.
The grandma takes a hit from the joint, she breathes in

deeply and starts coughing.
TED
Yeah, it‟s good stuff, isn‟t it?
GRANDMA
I haven‟t smoked in a couple of
decades.
TED
Yeah but if there‟s ever a day to
take it back up again, it‟s today.
The grandma tries to pass the joint back to him, but he

points to her.
TED
Nah, take another hit.
GRANDMA
OK, you don‟t have to ask me twice.
She takes another hit, breathing in deeply and coughing

again.
GRANDMA
Oh dear, I think I‟m high.
TED
Congratulations grandma!
GRANDMA
Tell me something Ted.
TED
OK, what would you like me to tell
you?
GRANDMA
How come such a smart kid like
yourself can do something so stupid?
TED
Money.
(pause)
Cousin Jake has heroin, I had money.
There‟s really no difference, they‟re
both drugs. One‟s just legal and
the other one isn‟t.
Ted takes the joint back from his grandma and takes a hit.
GRANDMA
Smart ass.
TED
(laughs)
Oh grandma, I‟ve missed you.
GRANDMA
I‟ve missed you too Ted.
The two embrace.
GRANDMA (cont‟d)
But seriously, what kind of grandson
doesn‟t call his grandmother ever?
TED
I know, I‟m sorry, I was an asshole.
The grandma playfully slaps Ted‟s cheek.
GRANDMA
A, don‟t swear in front of your
grandmother.
TED
I‟m sorry, but you know I was an
asshole.
GRANDMA
Ahhh, what did I say?
(laughs)
Well I love you anyways you little
shit.
TED
I love you too grandma.
GRANDMA
So I hope “was” is the keyword here.
You‟re not going to be an asshole
anymore, right?
TED
No ma‟am.
GRANDMA
Come here, give your old grandmother
another hug.
Ted hugs her again.
TED
I promise to write you at least once
a week when I‟m in jail.
GRANDMA
You better. Now come on, let‟s go
back to dinner.
TED
OK.
Ted and his grandma start heading back to the door.
GRANDMA
Give me one last hit though.
TED
With pleasure grandma. Actually
you can have the rest of it.
Grandma takes the rest of the joint and takes one last deep
hit.
INT. – TED‟S PARENTS‟ HOUSE
GUEST BEDROOM
Elizabeth and Tommy are laying together on a bed making

out. The lights are off and it‟s dark in the room.
ELIZABETH
So now do you want to tell the
family?
TOMMY
I don‟t know, it‟s kind of hard to
beat white collar crime, an intent
to distribute conviction and heroin
addiction.
ELIZABETH
That‟s exactly my point. Now‟s as
good of a time as ever to tell the
family. Our engagement won‟t look
like a big deal among all these
other revelations that we‟ve learned
about today.
TOMMY
(laughs)
I know baby, I was just kidding.
Yes, of course we‟ll tell the family
today.
ELIZABETH
Thanks baby, I love you.
TOMMY
I love you too.
They hug each other while still laying on the bed and then
they start kissing each other again.
TOMMY
Ohhh, Elizabeth you‟re so hot.
ELIZABETH
We should get back to the dinner
table.
TOMMY
OK, in a minute.
While making out, Tommy untucks Elizabeth‟s shirt and pulls

it off over her head. She‟s lying there in her bra and
pants.
Suddenly, the doorknob starts turning and in walks COUSIN

CHARLIE, a cute eight year old kid, who‟s the son of Uncle
Harold.
Charlie shouts out upon seeing Elizabeth and Tommy on the

bed making out.
COUSIN CHARLIE
(yells)
Mom! Beth and Tom are making out
on a bed!
While the door is open, the family dog runs into the room,
takes Elizabeth‟s shirt that was laying on the floor and
runs out of the room with it in his teeth.
As soon as she hears Charlie shouting out, Elizabeth

instinctively jumps up off the bed, pushes Charlie out of
the room and shuts and locks the door.
ELIZABETH
Get out of here you little brat!
Elizabeth starts pacing around the room, still in her bra.
ELIZABETH
Oh no! Oh no! What are we going
to do?
Tommy lackadaisically gets up from the bed and goes to pick

up Beth‟s shirt from the floor but he can‟t find it.
TOMMY
Relax, didn‟t we just get done saying
that we‟re going to tell the family
today anyways?
ELIZABETH
I know, but I didn‟t want to get
caught red-handed.
Tommy continues looking around the room for Beth‟s shirt.
TOMMY
Well when we tell everybody, I‟m
sure they‟d assume that we‟ve already
been making out and, gasp, even
having sex occasionally.
ELIZABETH
How can you be so calm?
TOMMY
Because it‟s not a big deal.
Tommy gives up looking for her shirt.

TOMMY
Ummm, honey, where did your shirt go?
ELIZABETH
Didn‟t you just throw it down right
by the bed?
TOMMY
Yeah, I thought so but I can‟t find
it anymore.
ELIZABETH
Well it couldn‟t have just vanished.
TOMMY
I know but it‟s not here.
ELIZABETH
Great and you‟re telling me not to
panic?
TOMMY
OK, maybe you should panic now.
(pause)
Do you think Charlie took it?
ELIZABETH
No, he didn‟t have anything in his
hands when I pushed him out of the
room.
TOMMY
Well I don‟t know where it went.
It finally dawns on Elizabeth that maybe the family dog

snuck into the room.
ELIZABETH
Murray.
TOMMY
What, the dog?
ELIZABETH
Yes, I bet the dog snuck into the
room and took my shirt when Charlie
opened the door.
TOMMY
(surprised)
Wow, what are the chances?
ELIZABETH
What are we going to do?
TOMMY
I don‟t know. I‟ll figure something
out. I‟ll go find your shirt and
I‟ll be discreet about it.
Suddenly there‟s a knock on the door.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM (O.S.)

Elizabeth honey, are you in there?
Elizabeth continues to freak out. She whispers to Tommy.
ELIZABETH
(whispers)
What do I do?
TOMMY
(whispers)
Answer her.
ELIZABETH
Ummm, yes mom.

Is Tommy in there with you?
ELIZABETH
(whispers to Ted)
What do I say?
TOMMY
(whispers)
Answer her.
Elizabeth shakes her head “no.”
ELIZABETH
(whispers)
No way.
Elizabeth‟s mom knocks on the door again.


Elizabeth honey, is Tommy in there?
TOMMY
Yes, I‟m in here.

OK. What are you guys doing?
ELIZABETH
(whispers to Ted)
What do I say?
TOMMY
(whispers)
I don‟t know.
ELIZABETH
(yells out)
Ummm, mom, we‟re just hanging out
watching TV.

OK, so can you open the door?
ELIZABETH
Ummm, no.

No, why not?
ELIZABETH
Because…
Elizabeth looks at Tommy for an answer, but he just shrugs

his shoulders.
TOMMY
(whispers)
I don‟t know.
ELIZABETH
Ummm, because.

(interrupts Beth)
Are you OK?
ELIZABETH
Yes mom, I‟m great.

(frustrated)
Elizabeth, open the door…now!
TOMMY
Beth, the jig is up.
ELIZABETH
OK.
Elizabeth slowly walks over to the door and opens it.
Elizabeth‟s mom, MARY, a motherly-looking woman in her

early fifties, is shocked to see her standing there with
Tommy, without a shirt on.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
(shocked)
On my god Elizabeth, why is your
shirt off…and why is Tommy in the
room with you?
ELIZABETH
I think Murray stole my shirt.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
(confused)
OK, why would Murray be able to
take your shirt?
ELIZABETH
Because it was off and on the floor.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
And Tommy was in the room when this
happened?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
And why was your shirt off when Tommy
was in the room?
ELIZABETH
Because…ummm,, because.
TOMMY
(interrupts her)
Ummm, because she got a spot on it
from dinner and I was helping her
wash it off. But I got distracted
when Murray came in and I dropped
the shirt…and ummm, Murray took it
and ran away.
ELIZABETH
(skeptically)
Really?
TOMMY
Really.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
I‟m so confused, I don‟t know if I
believe that.
ELIZABETH
Mom, why don‟t you just head back
to the dinner table and we‟ll explain
everything.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
There better be a good explanation
for this.
ELIZABETH
There is mom.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
I hope you‟re not going to come back
to the dinner table in your bra.
ELIZABETH
No mom.
TOMMY
Yeah, I‟m going to find her shirt.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
OK, I‟m just going to head back
to the dining room.
ELIZABETH
Thanks mom.
Once Elizabeth‟s mom walks out of the room, Elizabeth

laughs and rests her head on Tommy‟s chest.
Tommy gives her a warm embrace.
TOMMY
Ahhh, too funny.
ELIZABETH
In my mind, I‟ve walked through
how I envisioned telling the family
about our engagement at least one
hundred times, but not once did I
ever think it‟d come about this
way.
TOMMY
I know baby.
ELIZABETH
Can you find my shirt now please?
It‟s getting cold.
Tommy looks down at Elizabeth‟s hard nipples.
TOMMY
I can see that.
Elizabeth playfully hits Tommy.
ELIZABETH
Stop that Tommy. Get me my shirt.
TOMMY
OK, OK, here I go.
DINING ROOM
Elizabeth‟s mom walks into the room and sits back down at
her seat. At this point, everyone is back at the table
except for Tommy and Elizabeth.
Elizabeth‟s mom is Walter‟s sister.
WALTER
Is everything OK, sis?
Elizabeth‟s mom still looks shocked.

ELIZABETH‟S MOM
I just witnessed a very odd thing.
LAURA
And what was that?
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
I just caught my Elizabeth in a
bedroom with her shirt off.
(pause)
And Tommy was in the room with
her.
A collective sigh from everyone sitting around the table is

let out.
TED
No way!
JANE
That is bizarre.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Tell me about it.
WALTER
They do know that they‟re first
cousins, right?
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Yes, yes.
WALTER
I mean, it‟s not like they‟re distant
cousins, they‟re first cousins!
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
I know.
LAURA
Well let‟s not jump to any conclusions.
You don‟t know for a fact that they
were doing anything, do you?
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
They didn‟t have any explanation
as to why she didn‟t have her shirt
on.
LAURA
Oh dear.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Tell me about it.
Cousin Ralph takes a deep breath, he smells something

funny.
COUSIN RALPH
Why does it smell like weed in here?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Ralphie, how do you know what weed
smells like?
COUSIN RALPH
Mom, I go to public school.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Fair enough. But who would be
smoking weed around here? You‟re
just smelling things.
GRANDMA
No, he‟s right. I was toking outside.
LAURA
No way, really? You?
GRANDMA
Yeah, it helped me relax.
WALTER
Oh jeez mom.
EXT. – BAKER FAMILY HOUSE, BACKYARD – CLOUDY DAY
Tommy is on his hands and knees digging through the

doghouse looking for Elizabeth‟s shirt.
TOMMY
Come on, it‟s got to be somewhere
around here.
After a while Tommy gives up and gets out of the doghouse.

TOMMY
Ahhh, Jesus. I guess it‟s inside
then.
DINING ROOM
Tommy and Elizabeth walk hand-in-hand back into the dining

room.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Oh good, you found Elizabeth‟s
shirt.
TOMMY
Yes I did, it took me a while though.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Where did you find it?
TOMMY
It was tricky. It was hiding under
a couch in one of the other guest
bedrooms.
LAURA
Oh yeah, Murray likes to hide things
under there.
Elizabeth and Tommy approach the table.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Elizabeth, why are you holding
Tommy‟s hand?
Cousin Charlie, who was originally sitting in between

Elizabeth and Tommy, offers up his seat so that they can
sit next to each other.
COUSIN CHARLIE
Here, I‟ll let the two lovebirds sit
next to each other.
ELIZABETH
Thanks Charlie.
Elizabeth and Tommy sit down next to each other.

ELIZABETH‟S MOM
So, do you want to tell me what‟s
going on?
ELIZABETH
Mom, Dad…Tommy and I are engaged.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
Excuse me?
Elizabeth‟s mom passes out when she hears the news and
falls to the ground.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
Mary!
TOMMY
Aunt Mary!
This leads everyone to rush over and help her try to regain
her consciousness.
After a few moments, Elizabeth‟s mom, Mary, finally comes

to.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
I‟m OK, I‟m OK.
Her husband and Tommy help get her back into her chair,
then everyone sits back down.
ELIZABETH
Mom, do you need a drink of water?
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
No, no I‟m fine.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
So, you say your engaged to your
cousin Tommy? Your first cousin.
ELIZABETH
Yes, I am.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
Your first cousin.
ELIZABETH
I know.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
When did all this start?
ELIZABETH
Christmas, two years ago. I don‟t
know, I think we had too much egg
nog at a family gathering, then one
thing led to another, and we hooked
up under the mistletoe hanging up
in the kitchen.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
This has been going on for two years
behind our backs?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Oh my god, you‟re going to send me
to an early grave.
TOMMY
But Aunt Mary, we really love each
other.
ELIZABETH
Yeah, yeah. This might have started
as a drunken hook-up, but it blossomed
into something really special. He
treats me so well. We have such a
wonderful connection with each other.
Tony, who is both Tommy and Aimee‟s dad, speaks up.
TONY
Tommy, she‟s your first cousin.
This isn‟t right.
TOMMY
Dad, there‟s nothing wrong about
this, it‟s nothing but right.
I love her.
Tommy and Aimee‟s mom, KAREN, a pretty woman in her fifties

who could pass for forties, speaks up.
KAREN
That may be true, but think about
your future, think about your
potential kids.
TOMMY
What do you mean?
COUSIN RALPH
(interrupts)
Doesn‟t inbreeding lead to mental
retardation in their offspring?
Aunt Charlotte slaps Ralph on his hand again.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
One more time, be a smart ass one
more time. I dare you.
TONY
The kid‟s got a point though.
KAREN
Aren‟t you worried about that son?
TOMMY
Honestly, I‟m not. And you shouldn‟t
be either. It‟ll be fine.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
So there‟s no way to talk you out
of this Elizabeth?
Elizabeth takes out a sparkling engagement ring from her

pocket and puts it on her finger.
ELIZABETH
No, not since Tommy gave me this.
A bunch of “ooohs” and “ahhhs” break out around the table.
COUSIN AIMEE
Beth, that ring is beautiful.
ELIZABETH
Thanks Aimee.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
I will admit, it is a spectacular
ring.
ELIZABETH
Thanks daddy.
A couple of the relatives stand up and walk over to

Elizabeth to get a better look.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
Look, I don‟t necessarily agree with
this and I‟m not sure if I‟ll ever
agree with this. But you are my
daughter and I just want to see you
happy. If this makes you happy,
then you have my blessing.
ELIZABETH
Ohh, thanks daddy.
Elizabeth stands up, walks over to her dad and gives him a
hug. He kisses her on the cheek.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
No problem honey.
ELIZABETH
Mom?
ELIZABETH‟S MOM
Well if your father‟s OK with it,
then I am too.
ELIZABETH
Thanks mom.
Elizabeth gives her mom a hug too.
TOMMY
Mom, dad? What do you say?
KAREN
(thinking)
Who am I to stand in the way of true
love. Sure go get married.
TOMMY
Thanks mom. Dad?
TONY
(thinking)
Congratulations son.
Tony shakes Tommy‟s hand over the table.
TOMMY
Thank you, thank you both.
(looks at Elizabeth)
Come here sweetie.
Elizabeth walks over to Tommy and sits on his lap. They

kiss each other.
COUSIN RALPH
Ewwww.
Ralph‟s mom, Aunt Charlotte, puts her hand over his mouth
so that he can‟t talk.
WALTER
I guess an impromptu celebration
is in order.
LAURA
Walter, go downstairs and get a
couple of bottles of champagne to
celebrate. Get the good stuff too.
WALTER
No problem, I won‟t bring up the
Andre.
LAURA
Yes please keep that stuff down
there.
Walter gets up and walks out of the room.
BASEMENT
As soon as Walter gets down to the basement, he takes out

his Blackberry and checks the Cowboys score.
Once the ESPN page uploads, he sees that the Cowboys are
losing by 10 points.
WALTER
Damn, come on Cowboys. Come on!
Walter walks over to the liquor cabinet, grabs a couple

bottles of champagne and heads back upstairs.
DINING ROOM
Everyone has a glass of champagne in front of them.

Elizabeth‟s Dad is standing, ready to give a toast.
ELIZABETH‟S DAD
To Elizabeth and Tommy. May you
both have all the happiness in
the world with each other.
FAMILY
Here, here.
Everyone takes a sip of their champagne. Ralph speaks up

when everyone puts their glasses down.
COUSIN RALPH
And may your children not come
out retarded.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
That‟s it. Go in to the living
room and stay there for the next
15 minutes. You‟ve lost your
dining room privileges.
COUSIN RALPH
But mom.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Go.
COUSIN RALPH
Daaad.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You heard your mom, go to the
living room. Sit there and think
about how your comments are hurtful
to other people.
COUSIN RALPH
Fine.
Ralph stands up and storms out of the room.

LATER ON
The family continues eating, talking and telling stories to

each other.
Laura looks over to Jake, who is just pushing his food

around his plate with a fork.
LAURA
Hey Jake, how are you doing? You
hanging in there?
COUSIN JAKE
Yes Aunt Laura.
LAURA
Well go ahead, eat something.
COUSIN JAKE
I‟m not that hungry.
Laura tries to give Jake some encouragement.
LAURA
I think I speak for everyone Jake,
when I say that I‟m very proud of
you for staying in school during
all your problems. A lesser person
would‟ve dropped out of school,
but not you. You‟re a strong
person.
COUSIN JAKE
My grades are horrible though.
LAURA
True, but it‟s nothing you can‟t
fix.
(pause)
Once you get right I‟m sure you‟ll
start getting As and Bs again.
COUSIN JAKE
I hope so.
COUSIN AIMEE
Since everyone is spilling their
guts today. I have something to
admit.
TONY
(sighs)
Oh boy, here we go again.
COUSIN AIMEE
(nervously)
I guess in your eyes Aunt Laura,
I‟m a lesser person.
LAURA
What do you mean?
COUSIN AIMEE
I dropped out of college.
TONY
(angrily)
You did what?
COUSIN AIMEE
I dropped out of college.
TONY
When?
COUSIN AIMEE
Last semester.
TONY
Why?
COUSIN AIMEE
It just wasn‟t for me. It was too
difficult. I didn‟t like it.
KAREN
So what have you been doing since
then? I mean, it‟s not like we
see you around the house that
much, you disappear for weeks
at a time. We kind of figured
that you were just holed up in
your apartment studying. I would
think you‟d have a lot of time
on your hands if you quit college.
COUSIN AIMEE
I‟m an entrepreneur now.
TED
Ohh, that‟s good. A self-starter,
hard to argue against that if
you‟re making money. There‟s
plenty of people on the Forbes
500 list that never graduated
college.
TONY
What exactly are you an entrepreneur
in?
Aimee takes a moment to build up the dramatic suspense.
COUSIN AIMEE
Hardcore porn.
Everyone at the table sighs.
COUSIN PHIL
Awesome!
TONY
(shocked)
Wait, please, please, please tell
me you actually work behind the
camera at least.
COUSIN AIMEE
No, I don‟t. I‟m a contract actress
for Vivid Video. The reason why
you don‟t see me for weeks at a
time is because I fly out to
California periodically to shoot
a bunch of films then I fly back
here.
COUSIN PHIL
You fly out to California? The
least you could‟ve done was stop
by our house and say “hi.”
COUSIN AIMEE
I didn‟t want anybody to know
that I was going out to California.
I didn‟t want to arouse any
suspicion.
COUSIN PHIL
You‟re right, you were already
arousing enough things.
TONY
So, let me get this straight…you
are a porn star?
COUSIN AIMEE
Yes, my stage name is Missy May.
I‟ve already starred in about 150 –
200 scenes, I don‟t know, I‟ve
lost count.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Wait a second, you‟re Missy May?
COUSIN AIMEE
That‟s right.
Bradley stares intently at Aimee, and moves his head around

to look at Aimee from different angles.
Once he recognizes Aimee as a porn star, Bradley‟s face

turns bright red and he puts his head into his hands.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Oh Jesus.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
What‟s wrong?
UNCLE BRADLEY
(embarrassed)
Ohhh, nothing.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Really?
TED
It sounds like cousin Tommy isn‟t
the only one getting intimate with
a family member.
JANE
What does that mean?
TED
Well, if I‟m reading this situation
correctly, it sounds like Uncle
Bradley has been whacking it to
our little, sweet cousin Aimee‟s
movies.
LAURA
Ted, don‟t be so vulgar.
UNCLE BRADLEY
No, no, he‟s right.
(looks at Aimee)
I‟m sorry niece, I didn‟t know it
was you.
COUSIN AIMEE
I use a lot of make-up in my shoots,
I don‟t really look like myself in
my movies.
UNCLE BRADLEY
I‟m so sorry.
COUSIN AIMEE
(laughs)
Uncle Bradley, it‟s completely OK.
That‟s what I expect guys to do
when they watch my films. It‟s
a compliment.
TED
Well that‟s just odd. I‟ll come
right out and say it.
TONY
You‟re killing Aimee, absolutely
killing me.
COUSIN AIMEE
I‟m sorry dad. I‟m making big
money though.
TONY
How did you get wrapped up in all
this?
COUSIN AIMEE
Last year, I went with my ex-
boyfriend to Foxy Lady as a goof.
A few vodka and sodas later, I ended
up on stage with some of the dancers.
Well an executive in the adult film
industry was in the audience that
night, after I got off the stage,
he approached me. He said I was
really beautiful and that I had
stage presence. So he offered me
a free first class ticket to
Los Angeles and said I would
make a couple thousand dollars
if I were to just come in and
shoot one scene. I didn‟t really
know what I was getting myself
into. I was so nervous, but
everyone was really nice and they
put me at ease. It just came
naturally to me. I‟m really good
at it too.
TONY
You‟re really good at it?
COUSIN AIMEE
Yes, the producers tell me my
films are some of the best sellers
this year.
TONY
That‟s something I don‟t really
need to hear.
COUSIN AIMEE
Dad, it‟s not like I‟m going to do
this for the rest of my life. I
only want to do this for a few
years. A lot of adult film stars
have a short shelf life.
TONY
Why because they die of a drug
overdose? Or they‟re killed
by overzealous fans?
COUSIN PHIL
Like Uncle Bradley?
UNCLE HAROLD
Phil, shut up.
COUSIN AIMEE
No dad, a lot leave after they
feel like they‟ve made enough
money and they go back to school
or just do something else, like
start their own production
company.
TONY
Are you on drugs?
COUSIN AIMEE
What?
TONY
Drugs. Are you on them?
COUSIN AIMEE
No dad.
TONY
I‟ve seen enough TV specials to know
that a lot of people in the porn
industry devolve into a life of
drugs, alcohol and STDs.
COUSIN AIMEE
Dad, I get tested all the time.
TONY
Well that‟s reassuring, I guess.
COUSIN AIMEE
Dad, trust me I‟m OK.
TED
So what do you specialize in?
Girl-on-girl? Double penetration?
LAURA
Oh come on now, don‟t talk like
that at the dinner table. If
you want to talk like that, take
it outside.
TED
Sorry mom.
KAREN
Where did we go so wrong, Tony?
TONY
I don‟t know Karen, I don‟t know.
COUSIN CHARLIE
I have something to admit too.

What‟s that Charlie?
UNCLE HAROLD
After the way things have been going
today, I‟m afraid to find out what
this is.
Charlie looks at his little two-year old brother, BRETT,

who is sitting in a high chair between Harold and his wife.
COUSIN CHARLIE
Well, do you know how you had an
ice cream cake for Brett‟s second
birthday party last weekend?

Yes.
COUSIN CHARLIE
And remember how you told me the
next day that I couldn‟t have the
last piece before dinner because
you didn‟t want me to ruin my
appetite?

Yes.
COUSIN CHARLIE
And the last piece of cake vanished
before dinner.

Yes.
COUSIN CHARLIE
And you asked me if I ate it and
I said my brother Brett had the
last piece.

Yes.
COUSIN CHARLIE
I lied, I had the last piece.

You did?
COUSIN CHARLIE
Yes, I‟m sorry for lying.
In a lighthearted moment, everyone around the table has a

good laugh at the trivial nature of what Charlie admits.
UNCLE HAROLD
(laughs)
Ohhh Charlie, that‟s quite alright.
COUSIN CHARLIE
(confused)
So you‟re not mad?
UNCLE HAROLD
(smiling)
No, not at all son.
COUSIN CHARLIE
Mom, are you upset at me?

(laughs)
No, you‟re precious.
COUSIN CHARLIE
Ohhh, OK, I thought it was a big
deal.
UNCLE HAROLD
Well don‟t lie to us again, but in
the grand scheme of things, no, it‟s
not a big deal.
Laura looks around and notices that everyone‟s done eating

dinner.
LAURA
It looks like everyone‟s done with
dinner.
She stands up and starts grabbing a few plates.
LAURA (cont‟d)
Why doesn‟t everyone relax for a
little bit and we‟ll have dessert
in about a half an hour, OK?
EXT. – BAKER FAMILY HOUSE, BACK DECK – CLOUDY DAY
Ted, Jane, Phil, Tommy and Elizabeth are drinking and

hanging out on the deck with Aimee. They are all grilling
her about her life as an adult film star.
COUSIN PHIL
So come on, now that we‟re away
from the parents and the other older
family members, you can tell us,
how is it doing porn?
COUSIN AIMEE
It‟s not bad, it‟s just a business,
like everything else.
TOMMY
OK, but the difference is that
when I go into my accounting job,
I‟m not getting penetrated all day
long with a double-headed dildo by
another guy…I just usually feel like
I am.
Elizabeth hits Tommy in the arm.
COUSIN ELIZABETH
Come on Tommy, that‟s your sister
you‟re talking about.
TED
Speaking of double-headed dildos,
so to go back to a conversation
that I tried to bring up inside,
(MORE)
TED (cont‟d)
do you have a specialty? It seems
like all these actresses are known
for something these days.
COUSIN AIMEE
I do a variety of things: double
penetration, girl-on-girl, facials,
anal, S&M.
TED
Wow, multi-faceted, nice.
COUSIN AIMEE
Well these days you have to be if
you want to maximize your income
potential since there are so many
fetishes out there now.
(pause)
And I‟m a big fan of blowjobs…I
love giving head on screen. I
find it so empowering and
liberating.
COUSIN PHIL
Really?
COUSIN AIMEE
Oh yes and my producer says I‟m
really good at it too. He thinks
I‟ll get nominated for an AVN award
this year for best blowjob scene
of the year.
COUSIN PHIL
That‟s something to shoot for.
TED
Literally.
TOMMY
Is there anything you won‟t do?
COUSIN AIMEE
(looks at Tommy)
Relatives.
TED
Ouch.
COUSIN AIMEE
That‟s what you get Tommy for making
fun of my profession.
COUSIN PHIL
Is there anything else you won‟t do,
like are you into German-style porn?
COUSIN AIMEE
Please, I don‟t even consider that,
after all, I‟m not insane.
Walter walks outside and approaches the group.
WALTER
So, what are we talking about out
here kids?
JANE
Oh dad, you don‟t want to know, trust
me.
WALTER
OK, well mom wanted me to tell you
that dessert is ready and it‟s on
the table, so come on back in.
JANE
OK, daddy.
Everyone files back into the house, Walter stays behind on

the deck.
When he‟s by himself, he takes his Blackberry out and

checks the score of the Cowboys game again.
Once the ESPN page loads he sees that the Cowboys have lost
by a field goal.
Upon seeing that he screams out and kicks some of the patio
furniture.
WALTER
(yells)
God damn! God damn it!
He ends his rant by picking up a chair and throwing it off

the deck in anger and frustration.
DINING ROOM
Everyone re-enters the dining room. There‟s a table in the

corner of the room set-up with several desserts on it.
LAURA
OK everybody. We‟ve set up a table
in the corner with several desserts,
we got a bunch of things for
different palates – apple pie,
Boston cream pie, Death by Chocolate,
sorbet, an assortment of fruits,
strawberry shortcake and ice cream.
COUSIN CHARLIE
(excitedly)
Oh, what kind of ice cream?
LAURA
Vanilla, with chocolate syrup and
jimmies.
UNCLE HAROLD
Charlie, just save some for everyone
else this time, will you son?
COUSIN CHARLIE
OK dad.
Everyone grabs some food and then they take a seat back at
the table.
Once everyone takes a seat, Walter gets a call on his cell

phone.
LAURA
Walter, what did I tell you about
keeping your phone on at the table?
You don‟t see the kids taking calls
during dinner, not even Ted.
TED
(facetiously)
Thanks mom.
WALTER
I‟m sorry honey, I‟ll hit “ignore.”
Walter takes the phone out of his pants pocket and hits
“ignore” to make it stop ringing, then he puts it back in
his pocket.
After a few moments of silence while everyone digs into

their dessert, his phone rings again.
LAURA
(frustrated)
Walter, please!
Walter takes the phone out of his pocket again and looks at
the number that is calling him.
WALTER
Oh honey, I have to take this.
LAURA
Seriously?
WALTER
Yes, seriously.
(pause)
I‟ll be right back.
Walter stands up and rushes out of the room.
LAURA
(perplexed)
Unbelievable.
(pause)
Who is it?
By this time, WALTER is in another room and the phone is

still ringing.
WALTER (O.S.)
It‟s ummm, nobody Laura.
LAURA
It‟s nobody really? You had to get
up from the middle of Thanksgiving
dinner for “nobody.”
WALTER (O.S.)
It‟s not important.
LAURA
Is it another woman calling?
WALTER (O.S.)
Honey, I have to take this call.
LAURA
(angrily)
Answer the friggin‟ question Walter!
WALTER (O.S.)
No, it‟s not another woman.
LAURA
Then who the hell is it?
Ted doesn‟t respond, which just leaves LAURA sitting there

confused.
After a few moments of silence, Jane speaks up.
JANE
Don‟t worry mom, I‟m sure it‟s
something really innocent.
LAURA
Well whatever it is, your father
has a lot of explaining to do when
he gets back.
BASEMENT
Walter rushes down the stairs and finally answers his

phone.
WALTER
(hurriedly)
Hello.
Yes, I know the Cowboys lost.
I‟m aware that‟s not good.
I know I‟m running out of options.
Don‟t be foolish. You kill me then
you don‟t get paid. That makes no
sense.
(MORE)
WALTER (cont‟d)
Leave my family out of this, please.
I‟ll get your money.
How? I‟ll take out another loan.
Don‟t worry, the bank knows I‟m
good for it.
It‟s not your concern over how
much debt I‟m getting into. I
told you the bank will let me do
it, trust me.
When? Monday morning you‟ll have
your money…with interest.
Walter hangs up the phone then he leans up against the

wall, puts his face in his hands and starts crying.
DINING ROOM
There‟s an uneasy peace hovering over the dinner table.
There‟s very little conversation going on and Laura is

distracted; she‟s just pushing her apple pie around her
plate and not eating it.
Suddenly, Walter walks back into the room and sits down
without saying a word.
There‟s a lot of tension in the room. After a few moments

of silence, Laura finally speaks up.
LAURA
So do you want to tell me what‟s
going on?
Walter continues eating his dessert and does not look up to

acknowledge his wife.
WALTER
Not really.
LAURA
What‟s her name? Judy? Debra?
Martha? Whore?
Ted looks like a defeated human being.
WALTER
It‟s not like that.
LAURA
OK, then what‟s it like?
Walter thinks for a moment as he ponders whether or not to

tell his wife the truth.
WALTER
That was my bookie.
LAURA
What‟s a bookie?
WALTER
I place bets with him.
LAURA
(confused)
OK.
WALTER
And I owe him money. A lot of it.
LAURA
How much?
WALTER
Two hundred thousand dollars.
A collective sigh from everyone sitting around the table is

let out.
TED
Holy shit!
(pause)
Glass houses dad, glass houses.
LAURA
Ted, shhh, please.
(pause)
Walter, isn‟t this kind of activity
illegal?
WALTER
Yes.
LAURA
So then don‟t pay it.
WALTER
It‟s not that easy. This bookie is
affiliated with the New England Mafia.
LAURA
OK, so?
WALTER
If I don‟t pay it, the best case
scenario is that the mob will kill
me.
LAURA
That‟s the best case scenario?
What‟s the worst case?
WALTER
They‟ll kill a family member, and
they‟ll keep killing a family member
until I pay the full amount.
Another sigh is let out across the table.
LAURA
Oh dear god Walter, what did you get
us into?
WALTER
I don‟t know. I started betting on
sure things and then they didn‟t pan
out, so I kept betting to dig myself
out of the hole but I just got in
deeper.
(pause)
I bet on everything, NFL, NBA,
college football, high school football,
horse racing, dog racing, I also go
down to Foxwoods every once in a
while too. Maybe once in a week.
TED
High school football? What kind of
degenerate are you?
WALTER
Apparently a big one.
LAURA
How long have you been gambling for?
WALTER
I‟d say about fifteen years.
LAURA
Fifteen years!
WALTER
Yes.
LAURA
So the two hundred thousand dollar
debt is what you‟ve accumulated over
the last fifteen years?
WALTER
I wish it was that simple.
LAURA
What do you mean?
WALTER
Two hundred thousand dollars is just
the debt I‟ve gotten myself into
over the past year. It‟s been a
particularly tough year for me.
I‟ve hardly been able to win any
bets this year.
LAURA
So how did you do in years prior?
WALTER
Some years were up, some years were
down. Mostly down though.
LAURA
How much was down typically?
WALTER
I don‟t remember, probably sixty,
seventy, eighty thousand.
LAURA
Eighty thousand!
WALTER
Yes.
LAURA
How did you manage to pay off an
eighty-thousand dollar gambling
debt?
Walter remains silent for a few moments, further building

the tension in the room.
WALTER
I took money from the family business
to pay off my debts.
Another collective sigh is let out across the table.
TED
Holy shit, at least I didn‟t know
the people I stole from.
(pause)
That‟s low dad.
WALTER
Shut up Ted.
LAURA
No, you shut up Walter. How could
you do this to us.
WALTER
I‟m sorry honey. I didn‟t mean for
it to get like this. It just started
out with a few bets. Then it was
like a snowball rolling down a hill.
The problem just got bigger and
bigger.
LAURA
No wonder why we never have any money
even though you‟re constantly busy
at work. No wonder why we could
never take a nice vacation to the
tropics like all my friends could.
Because you were busy pissing away
all our money.
WALTER
I‟m sorry.
Laura slaps him then runs out of the room crying.
Everyone else around the table sits in stunned silence.
EXT. – BAKER FAMILY HOUSE, BACK DECK – NIGHT
Laura is sitting on the steps of the deck crying

hysterically.
After a few moments, Ted comes out to join her. He sits

right next to her and lights a cigarette, then he offers
his mom one too.
TED
Cigarette?
LAURA
I don‟t normally smoke, but what the
hell, I might as well.
Ted gives her a cigarette then he hands her a towel to wipe

away the tears.
TED
Here have a towel.
Laura tries her best to stop crying.
LAURA
Thanks son.
Both of them take a couple of puffs in silence.
TED
I think if there‟s one thing we all
can learn from tonight, it‟s that
no one‟s perfect and no one should
expect other people to be perfect.
People make mistakes; some people
should be forgiven, some people
shouldn‟t. It all depends if that
person‟s truly sorry and understands
the negative effects their poor
decisions have had on their loved
ones and people as a whole.
LAURA
I guess you‟re right.
TED
What do you think about this two
hundred thousand dollars?
LAURA
It‟s a lot of money.
TED
I know it is. Can you cover that?
LAURA
No, I mean if we sell our house we
could.
Ted thinks for a moment.
TED
Here‟s what I‟m going to do. I‟m
going to lend you the money.
LAURA
Ted you don‟t have to do that.
TED
I know.
LAURA
Do you even have that kind of
money?
TED
Yes, you know I wasn‟t always a
criminal, right? I made a pretty
decent living at my last job, I mean
the job I had before I took the job
that landed me in jail. The
government isn‟t touching my income
from that job.
LAURA
I don‟t know if I can accept your
money.
TED
Take it, besides I won‟t have much
use for it where I‟m going. Let‟s
base the payment structure on the
maximum sentence I could get. So
pay me back in full within the next
(MORE)
TED (cont‟d)
twenty years then we‟ll be cool.
Just get him in Gamblers Anonymous
and have him never bet again, that‟s
all I ask.
LAURA
Oh thanks Ted, that is so sweet.
TED
I know I‟ve been a pretty shitty
son. I don‟t need people to tell
me that, I‟m fully aware.
(pause)
This is my first step in trying
to make things right.
LAURA
It‟s not always about money though
Ted.
TED
I know, but it‟s just the easiest
thing I know.
LAURA
Don‟t worry, I‟m going to visit you
in jail on a regular basis.
Ted takes another puff of his cigarette.
TED
I‟d like that very much.
LAURA
Are you going to write me from jail?
TED
At least once a week. I‟ve already
promised I‟d write to grandma too.
I guess I‟ll have to work on my
penmanship again.
Laura playfully head butts Ted.
LAURA
I love you Ted. Even though you‟re
a screw up sometimes.
They both hug each other.
TED
(laughs)
I love you too mom, and I feel bad
that you‟re surrounded by all these
screw ups.
LAURA
(laughs)
Ohhh, that‟s OK. As you said, no
one‟s perfect.
(pause)
Well at least I still have Jane.
She knows right from wrong.
TED
Ahhh yes, Miss Perfect, your saving
grace.
LAURA
You might make fun, but you could
learn some things from her.
TED
I‟m sure I could.
(pause)
Come on, let‟s head back to the
dinner table.
Laura and Ted both stand up and head back into the house.
DINING ROOM
Laura and Ted walk back into the room and sits back down at
the table.
LAURA
Walter, we have a lot to talk about
but we‟ll spare the rest of the
family from it tonight. Tomorrow
is another day though and we‟ll
discuss it then. But please know
that your son, Ted, has generously
offered to loan us the money to
pay off your debt.
Walter looks at Ted.
WALTER
(shocked)
Really?
TED
Yes, really.
Walter struggles to find the right words.
WALTER
Well…ummm, Ted, I don‟t know what
to say?
TED
You don‟t have to say anything.
I‟m just trying to help the family
out.
Walter pauses to think about Ted‟s actions before he

continues.
WALTER
Thank you son.
Ted is anxious to change the subject, so he puts the napkin

back over his lap and continues eating his dessert.
TED
No problem dad. Everyone, come on,
let‟s get back to eating.
LAURA
Just to be on the safe side though,
I can hold on to your Blackberry
for the time being? I don‟t want
you checking scores or getting the
urge to make a call to your bookie.
Walter reaches into his pocket, takes his Blackberry out

and hands it over to his wife.
WALTER
OK.
LAURA
Thank you.
COUSIN PHIL
So grandma, after all this, after
everything you‟ve seen and heard
today, you‟re still quiet?
The grandmother takes a sip of her wine and pauses for

dramatic effect.
GRANDMA
(thinking)
I guess it helps that I‟m both
drunk and stoned right now.
Everyone around the table laughs.
UNCLE HAROLD
I hope we didn‟t ruin your birthday
mom.
GRANDMA
Look do you think today was the day
that I finally realized this family
wasn‟t perfect?
(pause)
I‟ve always known this. Look we‟ve
all had our transgressions. Even
me.
COUSIN PHIL
You? Come on, not you. You‟re
perfect. You‟re our grandmother.
GRANDMA
I‟m not perfect Phil.
(pause)
A long time along, my husband, your
grandfather, went away for a couple
of years to go fight in the Korean
war. We were dating for a few years
before he shipped out and we were
madly in love, but the specter of
him fighting in the war scared us
to holy hell. We wanted to be
together forever but he had to
honor his obligations. To show
each other our love for one another,
we got a quickie marriage the day
before his deployment. We wrote
(MORE)
GRANDMA (cont‟d)
each other almost every week and
he stayed faithful to me throughout
his whole time in Korea.
UNCLE HAROLD
That‟s a sweet story mom.
GRANDMA
Well I wish I could say the same
thing for myself.
AUNT MARY
What do you mean?
GRANDMA
Well about a year into his deployment
I started getting a little lonely
and I started an affair with a boy
down the street. He was going to
school at the local college. It
started out all innocently. Every
once in a while we‟d go to the
diner and grab a chocolate malt
shake. I‟d talk about how much I
missed my husband, I‟d read him some
of the letters he sent me. And then
things just progressed from there.
I had an affair with him for eight
months while your grandfather, god
rest his soul, was out being noble,
fighting for America. I finally
broke it off because I could no
longer look at myself in the mirror,
knowing I was cheating on my one
true love. I was so ashamed of
myself.
(pause)
I felt so awful.
WALTER
Did you ever tell dad?
GRANDMA
That‟s the worst part, I never did.
(pause)
He came back from the war and I
pretended like nothing happened.
(MORE)
GRANDMA (cont‟d)
He was just so happy to be home
and so happy to be back with me.
I couldn‟t muster up the strength
to tell him.
(pause)
I was living a lie for the whole
time I was married to him.
UNCLE HAROLD
But you loved dad, right?
GRANDMA
More than anything in the world.
I loved that man so much. I just
screwed up. But I‟d give anything
to apologize to him, he deserved
that much.
(pause)
So I actually envy everyone at this
table for admitting their faults.
You see, everyone makes mistakes,
and a lot of people make big
mistakes, no one‟s perfect. But
as long as they show remorse and
offer a sincere apology and promise
to change for the better, than
maybe their loved ones shouldn‟t
be too hard on them and they should
get the benefit of doubt if they
deserve it.
Ted whispers over to his mom.
TED
(whispers)
This sounds remarkably like what I
told you outside!
LAURA
(whispers)
Yes, yes, you‟re wise beyond your
years.
TED
(whispers)
Or I just have a great grandmother
that I‟ve learned a lot from.
GRANDMA
(sternly)
Ted, I‟m talking! Show your grand-
mother some respect.
TED
Sorry grandma.
GRANDMA
So although a lot of you have made
bad decisions and poor choices in
life, everyone should get a little
credit for showing their courage and
admitting their faults. Especially
since you all took personal
responsibility and didn‟t try to
blame other people. I respect
that.
(pause)
Just don‟t anyone screw up again.
You just get one free pass with me.
Everyone around the table laughs.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Speaking of courage, I have something
to admit.
Everyone is still in a lighthearted mood.
GRANDMA
Go ahead Charlotte.
Charlotte looks to her husband, Bradley, and puts her hand

on his leg.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Bradley, I have a confession to make.
Bradley tenses up in preparation of her announcement.
UNCLE BRADLEY
OK, go ahead.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I‟m leaving you.
UNCLE BRADLEY
(confused)
What?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I have to follow my heart.
UNCLE BRADLEY
And what does your heart tell you?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
That I want to be with my best friend
Megan.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Wait, Megan?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Yeah, before dinner you caught me
on the phone and I told you I was
talking to my friend Nancy, but I
was on the phone with Megan.
UNCLE BRADLEY
So you‟re a lesbian?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Yes.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Damn, I should‟ve known.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
What does that mean?
UNCLE BRADLEY
I‟m just saying that you‟re always
on the phone with your friends. I
should‟ve known something was going
on. Although in retrospect I
would‟ve thought it‟d be with Nancy.
(pause)
So what changed?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
As Grandma Baker just said, I guess
I just finally got courage. I‟ve
had feelings for women for a long
(MORE)

time, so I have to stop living a
lie.
(pause)
I‟m gay and I‟m proud.
UNCLE BRADLEY
So that‟s it?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I‟m sorry, that‟s it.
UNCLE BRADLEY
So I have a gay wife and a heroin-
addicted son?!?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Don‟t be like that.
COUSIN RALPH
You still have me, dad.
UNCLE BRADLEY
That‟s about the only thing I have,
and you‟re a brat anyways.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Stop, don‟t take your anger out on
the kids.
UNCLE BRADLEY
(sarcastically)
Well this has been one great
Thanksgiving.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Look Bradley, I don‟t want a lot to
change, you‟re still a very good
friend of mine and we‟ll always be
Jake‟s and Ralph‟s parent. That
won‟t change.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Maybe not, but I feel like I‟ve
wasted most of my life with a
woman that doesn‟t love me.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
That‟s not true, I love you.
COUSIN RALPH
(interrupts)
She just loves women more.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Ralphie, go in the other room again.
You don‟t need to be around for this
anyways.
Ralph storms off out of the room again.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You have a funny way of showing you
love me, by embarrassing me in front
of your whole family.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Can we just be civil right now and
can we talk about this later?
(pause)
I don‟t want to argue in front of
the family, especially the kids.
UNCLE BRADLEY
You brought it up though.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I know, but I thought you‟d be a
little more calm.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Why would you think that?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Haven‟t you gotten the sense that
something has been missing from our
marriage?
UNCLE BRADLEY
No.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
That‟s right, because you‟ve been
too busy working non-stop for the
past twenty years that you‟ve
totally neglected your family.
UNCLE BRADLEY
What do you mean by that?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I don‟t know, maybe if you showed
us more love things would be
different.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Where are you going with this?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I‟m just saying that maybe Jake
wouldn‟t have gone to heroin if he
had a consistent male role model
around him. But instead he fell
in with a bad crowd and the rest,
well look at him. He‟s not in
good shape.
Ted realizes that Charlotte‟s speech might cause a problem

with Bradley.
TED
Uh-oh.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Are you blaming me for Jake‟s
heroin abuse?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
No, not directly, but your frequent
absence hasn‟t helped him grow as
a man…and it hasn‟t helped me
either.
UNCLE BRADLEY
Really?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I‟m sorry.
Uncle Bradley stands up.
UNCLE BRADLEY
(yells)
This whole family is truly screwed
up. You all deserve each other.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Don‟t say things like that.
Bradley starts walking out of the room but he stops when

Charlotte speaks up.

Where are you going?
UNCLE BRADLEY
Home. They have plenty of guest
bedrooms here, stay here for the
night.
(pause)
And Jake, he‟s your problem now.
Bradley storms out of the room.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I‟m sorry you had to sit through
that Jake.
COUSIN JAKE
I could use a hit right now.
LAURA
Charlotte, do you want to go after
him?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
No, I‟ll let him calm down for the
night.
(looks at Jake)
Are you going to be OK?
COUSIN JAKE
I hope so.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Your father didn‟t mean anything he
said. He was just taking out his
anger towards me against you.
COUSIN JAKE
(disinterested)
Whatever.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
(yells)
Ralphie, you can come back in the
room now!
COUSIN RALPH (O.S.)

Are you sure.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Get back in here Ralphie!
LAURA
I think it‟s safe to say we‟re done
with Thanksgiving dinner. Don‟t
you think?
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Laura, I‟m so sorry for everything.
LAURA
Oh, come on Charlotte, it‟s not
your fault.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I feel like it might be though.
After everything that‟s been revealed
by everybody today, I was the only
one that made someone storm off.
LAURA
That‟s OK. I‟m sure he‟ll be fine
once he calms down.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
I hope he will be.
(pause)
Now, who wants to help me clean up
the table?
JANE
(eagerly)
I will mom.
TED
Yeah, me too.
Laura stands up and starts clearing off the table along

with Jane and Ted.
LATER ON
With the table cleared, Laura comes back into the dining
room and sits down with the rest of the family. She‟s
clearly exhausted.
LAURA
What a day, what a day.
TED
It certainly was.
LAURA
What should we do now?
GRANDMA
It‟s kind of hard to top dinner.
LAURA
I know.
UNLCE HAROLD
All I want to do is relax.
TONY
I hear that.
ELIZABETH
How about a movie?
LAURA
A movie, yeah that‟s good. We‟ll
watch a nice, family movie. That‟s
an excellent idea!
(pause)
Let‟s all adjourn to the family
room.
WALTER
Sounds good.
Everyone stands up from the table and begins exiting the

room.
JANE
Ohhh, you know what mom? I forgot
to do something. Give me a couple
minutes and I‟ll join you guys in
the family room.
LAURA
Is everything OK?
JANE
Ohhh, yeah. Everything‟s fine.
I just need to take care of something.
It‟s no big deal.
LAURA
OK, well hurry up.
JANE
I will.
HALLWAY
As all the family members walk one way down the hall, Jane
turns away and walks up the stairs to the next floor.
ANOTHER GUEST BEDROOM
Jane walks into her guest bedroom and shuts the door behind
her. She keeps most of the lights off, turning on only one
lamp by the bed.
She walks over to her suitcase, opens it up and starts

rifling through it.
She finally finds a Ziploc bag filled with different kinds

of pills and takes it out of the suitcase.
She holds it up to the light, looks at it then puts it down

on the bed.
Jane walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.
After several seconds, she walks back in the room carrying

a glass of water and closes the door behind her again.
She grabs the Ziploc bag off of the bed and sits down at a
small table in the room.
She rifles through the bag and takes out four different
kinds of pills.
She proceeds to take one pill after another until she

swallows all four of them; washing them down with water
after taking each one.
LAURA (O.S.)
Jane! Where are you! Get down
here!
JANE
(disheveled)
I‟m coming mom.
Jane quickly closes up the Ziploc bag, stands up and throws

it back into her suitcase.
Suddenly the door opens and her mom walks in just as she
finishes zipping up the suitcase.
LAURA
I think we waited long enough for
you, don‟t you think?
JANE
Yes, yes, I‟m sorry mom.
LAURA
So get your butt down there, Janey.
Go! Go!
JANE
I‟m coming.
LAURA
Good.
FAMILY ROOM
The family members are all taking their seats and getting
comfortable on the couches, chairs and floor.
The older family members get to sit on the couches while

the younger members take the floor.
Laura and Jane walk into the room and take their seats too.
LAURA
So what did you all decide to put
in to watch?
TED
Little Miss Sunshine.
JANE
Ohhh, how apropos. One dysfunctional
family watching another.
Laura playfully slaps Jane.

LAURA
Stop that Jane, be nice.
JANE
It‟s true though.
TED
OK, shhhh. Is everyone ready?
Laura looks around and notices someone missing.
LAURA
Hey wait, where‟s Jake?
Everyone else begins looking around the family room.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
That‟s a good question, he was
right behind us when we came into
the room.
(pause)
I‟m going to go find him.
LAURA
Oh, don‟t worry about it, you‟ve
already settled in. I‟ll go get
him.
Laura stands back up.
Jake is rifling through two suitcases on the bed looking

for something that he can‟t find.
Then he looks around the room and goes over to a table and
rifles through the papers sitting on top of it.
Next he goes over to a dresser and rifles through whatever

is on top of that.
After not finding anything, he storms out of the room.
Jake enters another bedroom and starts rifling through a

suitcase but can‟t find anything there either so he quickly
leaves that room and heads to
JANE‟S GUEST BEDROOM
Jake enters Jane‟s bedroom and rifles through her suitcase.

He finds a Ziploc bag filled with pills. He opens it up
and takes a handful of pills out; about 10-15 pills.
He downs all the pills in three swallows; afterwards he

finds a glass of water sitting on the table and takes a
couple of sips to wash the pills down.
Shortly thereafter he starts feeling a little woozy, so he

leaves the room and heads to the
BATHROOM
Jake enters the bathroom and looks at himself in the

mirror. He‟s broken out into a sweat and is breathing
heavily.
He splashes himself in the face with water a few times,

looks at himself in the mirror again then suddenly
collapses to the floor, hitting his head on the bathtub in
the process.
After convulsing for a little bit, he finally just lies

still with his eyes closed.
He‟s bleeding from the back of his head, and blood soon
covers the floor.
Laura approaches the opened bathroom and screams out loudly

as soon as she sees Jake lying there motionless.
FAMILY ROOM
TED
What was that?
JANE
It sounded like mom screaming.
AUNT CHARLOTTE
Jake!
The whole family sprints up out of their seats.
FADE OUT

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“Family Reunion”

Original Screenplay Written By Jason Wiese

EXT. – I-95 HIGHWAY IN CONNECTICUT – CLOUDY DAY

A light blue, BMW SUV is driving down a wooded stretch of

INT. – BMW SUV

JANE BAKER, a professional-looking, well put together

TED BAKER, a clean-cut, professional-looking man in his

Ted spends most of his time looking aimlessly out the

There are a few moments of silence as Ted continues looking

Ted reaches to the radio and turns it on to some music.

EXT. – I-95 HIGHWAY IN CONNECTICUT – CLOUDY DAY

EXT. – LARGE HOUSE IN NEW ENGLAND – DAY

Ted and Jane walk up to the house.

INT. – BAKER FAMILY HOUSE

The doorbell rings and Ted‟s mom, LAURA, a very motherly-

Standing there at the front door is Jane and Ted. Upon

Ted‟s Dad, WALTER, a taller, stern-looking gentleman in his

Laura playfully hits him in the stomach.

Ted shakes his dad‟s hand.

LARGE FAMILY ROOM

Laura yells out to get everyone‟s attention.

With Ted following, Jane immediately walks over to her

The grandma grabs both of their hands and leads them to a

Although Ted insists he doesn‟t need her help, the grandma

Ted takes the plate from her.

UNCLE HAROLD, a gregarious, large, blue collar-looking man

His uncle puts him in a big bear hug followed by a playful

On the other side of the room, Jane is talking to AIMEE,

Aimee is dressed a lot more provocative than anyone else in

Aimee thinks about an answer for a few seconds.

On the other side of the room, Ted is talking to his UNCLE

Ted‟s mother approaches Ted and Uncle Bradley.

Laura walks away to inform the other relatives that dinner

Laura walks over to Bradley‟s son, COUSIN JAKE, a loner in

He‟s sitting on a chair by himself in the corner of the

Laura walks away as Jake stands up and walks across the

Remembering that he forgot something, he walks back to his

FAMILY OFFICE ROOM

AUNT CHARLOTTE, a plain looking woman in her late forties,

Her husband, Uncle Bradley, opens up the door, which was

Bradley walks out of the room and Charlotte goes back to

Charlotte hangs up her cell phone, stands up and walks out

Jake puts his backpack down on the floor, opens it up and

He takes it out and puts it on the bathroom counter. He

LARGE FAMILY ROOM

All of a sudden, his cell phone rings. He takes the phone

Walter clearly looks like he has something else on his

Laura kisses him on the cheek.

Walter sneaks away into a

He hangs up the phone, looks up to the ceiling in

Jake is sitting on the toilet seat, which is down, as he

The whole family of about 20 or so relatives are sitting

Walter enters the room late as everyone is already seated

Laura hands him the carving knife.

Walter starts carving the turkey while Jane looks around

Walter sits down. Just as everyone gets ready to dig into

COUSIN ELIZABETH, a pretty redhead in her late twenties who

TOMMY, a handsome man in his late twenties, who is sitting

Elizabeth walks down the stairs followed closely by Tommy.

After walking halfway across the room, Tommy suddenly grabs

After a few heated moments, Elizabeth gently pushes him

Tommy leans in for a quick kiss but Elizabeth pushes him

Elizabeth walks over to a big shelf in the corner of the

Tommy picks up Elizabeth at the hips and she grabs a bowl