A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.

A few days later the undertaker calls

her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The
wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he i
s told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time
and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking h
urts doesn't it!"
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Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that th
ere is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to b
e told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. The
y are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one eveni
ng and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the
right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes d
own to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the own
er of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like r
aining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads
over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains
to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as
he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit do
wn for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situat
ion by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He t
hen proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, th
ere's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kit
chen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket
and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do th
e fucking pots!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump
with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking
in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he
tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that
he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and
he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him
again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
---------------------------------------------------
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife
if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy
bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is bla
ck"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere
to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I
'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you
 that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and
there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I h
ate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little
Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the g
irl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts cr
ying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fuck for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the
little bastard was going to bark!"
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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sw
eat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there
'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the w
indow and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down th
e window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
-----------------------------------------------------
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they d
on't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going
to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. T
he doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to
him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates
on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going
to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your bab
y."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the trut
h. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
----------------------------------------------------
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together
, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says
to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need
it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and
I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her
hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give hi
m the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend t
o take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some s
leep.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon
they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to
the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered,
puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!"
he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with m
e."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes t
o the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he
follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this
. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He
throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give
you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied
. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squi
rms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Je
ep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds th
em by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the thre
e best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
--------------------------------------------------------
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would
hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on m
y door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and the
y never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said t
he priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of th
e attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have
suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know
that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judg
e you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask ano
ther question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
---------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman com
es on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah
!"
Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"
Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah bab
y..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three wo
men come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.
The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"
Paul says, "All over your back!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r
r i e d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a
t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost m
arried.
"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n
d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h
a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f
a c e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e
d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"
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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alley
way and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at
it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his kne
es. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter
. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly
and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
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These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semes
ter started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at a
bout the same time.
The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've be
en on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've
been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing fo
r a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw
them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"
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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand
in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just
about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need t
o pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind
this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the
sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is be
ing exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a
hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further
up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a
long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing wha
t boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped
the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I ch
arge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and
the fare back to town is $25."
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