Chapter 6

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Peter Gunn stood on the edge of the lake, staring into the orange and red sunset, thinking about the
woman of his dreams. He couldn't get her beautiful face out of his mind, could barely think of anything
else. Yet every time he met her she shunned him, sent him away before he could so much as speak to
her. His broken, grieving heart longed for something from her, anything: a smile, a laugh, a kiss... what
could he possibly do to get her attention, to make her simply give him so much as a chance? He knew he
didn't deserve such a thing from one as beautiful, intelligent and independent as her, but he wouldn't stop
seeking... he could never give up on her.
Unrequited love is a bitch.
At this point, the author having had more than enough of cry-baby Peter hogging all the screen time,
Leona jumped out of the bushes and beat him up with a disarmed nuclear warhead.*

Leona left both warhead and dickhead by the lake and walked herself home, thinking about what he had
told her. Two agents... masters of disguise... who did she know who had been acting oddly recently?
Actually, since the character list for this story can be counted on your fingers, it wasn't too hard to reach a
conclusion, but since she presumably knows more people than that and the plot doesn't require for her to
work it out yet, she couldn't think of anyone.
Leona silently opened the door to her house, and stepped through into the hallway. She risked a glance
into the living room: nobody there. As she continued up the hallway, a silent black shadow detached itself
from the lounge and slid up to the corner behind her. Leona stopped, sensing movement.
"Hi Mum."
"Hello dear," said the ninja, sliding around the corner. "Where have you been today?"
Leona frowned and didn't turn around. Her mother didn't generally ask questions like that. It wasn't
because she didn't care, but simply because she was well aware of the non-confidentiality agreements
Leona operated under. "Around and about. Went to see Brain about a job."
"Oh, how is Professor Brain?" *
"He's okay. What about you?"
Her mother slid along the wall, silently getting closer to Leona.
"Mum?"
At this point Leona's father came around the corner in front of her.
"Leona," he said. "We need to talk about a certain secret you've been keeping from us."
Leona frowned. This was oddly out of character. Could her parents be...
No. That was insane. Surely she would be able to recognise her own parents?
Although she had to admit, the fact that her mother was wearing her ninja facemask inside, and that her
father was wearing a balaclava and dark glasses, was kind of unusual...
"Which secret?" she asked calmly.
"I think you know," her father said.
Leona narrowed her eyes. They couldn't have found out about...
"You know?"
"Yes dear, we know," said her mother.
"Jerry told us," added her father.
Leona blinked. "Jerry? Who the hell is Jerry?"
There was a sudden atmosphere of puzzlement. "You know... Jerry. Your boyfriend?"
"I don't have a boyfriend," Leona said. "I haven't had a boyfriend since David."
"Ah yes, we liked David," said her mother sadly. "Such a lovely boy. You really shouldn't have done that
to him."
"What? He was working for my enemies!" shouted Leona indignantly. "He tried to kill me!"
"So did your father when we first met," said her mother, smiling wistfully under her mask.
"Our gazes met through the high powered rifle scope..." said her father, also lost on memory lane.
"Yes yes," interrupted Leona. "And you took the shot anyway and she dodged and you got married, blah
blah blah. I've only heard the story fifty billion times before."
"Oh, er, yes anyway. Look, Leona, it doesn't matter. We know."
"Will you guys please start to make sense? Know what?"
"You're pregnant!"
There was a long pause.
"I'M WHAAAAA???"
"Look, Leona, it's okay..."
"I'm not pregnant! At least, I don't think I'm pregnant. How could I be pregnant?"
"Well, the usual way I'd assume."
"I told you, I haven't had a boyfriend in ages."
"But the narrative has been calling you pregnant at least once a chapter!"
"What? What does that even mean?"
"I... don't know. I think the author made me say it."
"Why isn't anyone making any bloody sense at the moment?"
"Sorry, I've got a headache, I don't know why I said that..."
Something clicked in Leona's mind. She drew a knife from her belt.
"You know, someone told me an hour ago that two agents had been sent after me. "Masters of Disguise"
he called them."
There was a change in the atmosphere of the room.
"Really?" asked her father.
"Yes. And so I thought, who do I know who's been acting oddly? And do you know, apart from the guy at
the coffee shop, you two are the only ones who fit the bill."
"I see," said her mother.
"So I'm going to ask you," Leona said, holding the knife expertly and taking up a ready stance. "What
have you done with my parents?"
And things would probably have gone really bad if the door hadn't blown in just at the moment.

Two figures strode through the smoke. Leona stared at them in shock. She was lying on the ground,
where she had dived in automatic responce to the explosion.
"Prepare to die, Miss Leona!"
"Hey, I know you. You're the guy who serves my coffee! And you're..." Leona frowned in confusion.
"Justin Timberlake?"
"Squeeeeeeee!!!" squealed her mother, clapping her hands together and bouncing. "I've always wanted
to meet him!"
"And fight him to the death?" Leona asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Hell YES!" shouted her mother maniacally, getting to her feet. "Who hasn't?"
"That's not the real Justin," said her father. "Masters of Disguise, you said?"
"Wait, you mean you guys are my real parents?"
"Of course. We've simply been acting more protective simply because you're pregnant."
"I'M NOT PREGNANT!"
"Actually, I am the real Justin." said Justin Timberlake. "The other guy couldn't make it."
"Squeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
"I'm sorry I suspected you guys." said Leona. "But what's up with the balaclava and sunglasses and ninja
mask?"
Leona's parents glanced at each other. "Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much..."
"Oh, ewww! Stop right there! Eww ew ew ew ewwww! Stop, for the love of god, stop!"
"... and then they invest in all these costumes and devices, and..."
"I think I'm gonna be sick! Gang-way!"
"Umm... we are supposed to be killing you, you know?" said the coffee shop guy, realising he had rather
lost the initiative.
"No, not the shoes!" shouted Possibly-Justin. "Don't..."
"Bleaaargh!"
"Dammit I just bought these!"
Loana got back on her feet and shuddered.
"Sorry about that, mate," she said. She cocked her head to the side. "Hey, are you actually Justin
Timberlake?"
"You'll never know!" he shouted, voice breaking into a frenzied rage as he drew a pair of swords with a
metallic 'shing'.
"Oh shit, now you've done it," said the other agent, pulling a machine gun from his back, prepping the
under barrel grenade launcher and adding matter-of-factly "You don't mess with this guys shoes,"
Leona jumped back between her parents, flipping her knife up into her hand. Her mother had produced a
pair of spinning nun-chucks and her father, not having had any weapons on him, had improvised and was
wielding the toaster.
The coffee-shop guy fired the grenade launcher directly at Leona's head with a hollow noise. She brought
up the knife to deflect it...
Think before you act. You should have dodged, not blocked. ***
That was an impact grenade, right? So it would explode if she hit it with her knife...
Leona ducked, and the grenade sailed over her head and into the back of her house. It exploded, and the
back of the house started to collapse.
She turned in time to catch one of Justin's swords on her knife, but the other was slicing downwards
towards her stomach.
"I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK, BITCH!"
"NOBODY HURT'S MY LITTLE PREGNANT GIRL!" screamed her mother, catching the sword in the nun-
chuck chain.
"I'M NOT BLOODY PREGNANT!"
The coffee shop guy flicked the machine gun back to standard fire, only to find himself cracked on the
side of the head with a flying toaster. As he stumbled back, Leona's father grabbed him in a headlock.
Just as he tried to break the mans neck, the grenade launcher went off and fired a genade into the roof
above them. They both ended up flat on the floor, ears ringing from the deafening explosion, and they
scrambled to their feet and ran as the roof came down.
By now Leona had one of Justins swords as well as her knife, but the man was amazingly nimble,
dodging or parrying her and her mothers every attack. She fell back to the staircase and used the
balustrade to somersault over his head, flanking him. As she started to press the advantage, her father
and the coffee shop guy ran wildly past her, flailing their arms over their heads, as the entrance to the
house collapsed behind them. Her father was still carrying the toaster.
This was distracting enough to cost her the advantage as Justin grabbed her hand and bit it, causing her
to drop the sword. She fell back, swearing, as he pressed the advantage.
The action paused again as the coffee-shop guy ran past them screaming in fear and being pursued by
Leona's father, who was screaming an incoherent war-cry and had the toaster in one hand an a slice of
bread in the other.
While Justin was staring, Leona brought her knee up sharply. The mans eyes crossed and he fell to his
knees.****
Leona grabbed at his face and noticed that the skin felt loose and rubbery. Taking a hold, she pulled at it.
The facemask came away.
"Jerry?!" her mother and father gasped in unison.
"Who?" said Leona.
"You were working for them all along?" asked Leona's father.
"Yes! Yes I was!" he shouted angrily, adding "And I would have got away with it too, if it hadn't been for-"
At this point Leona kicked him in the nuts again.
"No! No references!"
"Um... aren't we still fighting?" asked the coffee-shop guy. "Seriously guys, I spent months training for this
and you're turning it into a complete farce-"
Leona's father interrupted by flinging the toaster at the mans head.
Moving fast, the man caught the appliance in mid-air. He smiled. "I told you, I spent months-"
With a ching, the toaster ejected a piece of perfectly browned toast at high velocity into the mans
forehead, knocking him out cold.
Leona's father smiled evilly. "Think, before you act," he said smugly.
As Leona turned, she saw Jerry Timberlake rising behind her father, swinging a sword at his torso. Her
eyes went wide and her mouth started to frame the a warning but there was no time as the sword whistled
around...
A dark shadow moved behind the Jerry, there was a flash of silver, and the sword stopped moving.
Leona's mother straightened up, holding a curved blade by her side.
Jerry stared straight ahead, and slowly his head rolled to the side... and kept on rolling. There was a
thunk as it landed on the ground.
Leona stared.
"Well... that was unexpectedly gory," said her father.
"Nobody knocks up my little girl,"
"I! AM!! NOT!!! PRE-"
At this point the remainder of the roof, already structurally weakened by the grenades, gave up and
collapsed on them.

Leona struggled out of the wreckage, her parents just behind her.
"Leona?"
"Yes dad?"
"If you're not pregnant, then what did you think we were referring to when we confronted you?"
"Huh?" it took a moment for her to realise what he asking about. She considered not telling them, but
decided it didn't matter. "Oh, all right. My current target, the woman who sent those men? You know her.
Her name is Miranda Black."
Her mother let out a low whistle.
"Wow. Small world," she said. "Do you know she's the only person who ever beat the two of us when we
were working together? Barely got out of there that time."
"Indeed," added her father. "Although to be fair, your mother was pregnant with you at the time."
"Hey, that's right dear! Just like you are n-"
"Mum, if you persist with this crappy running gag, I swear I will kill you," interrupted Leona, glaring.
"Very well dear. But if you're going up against Black, be very careful. She plays dirty: mind tricks, booby
traps, the lot."
"Indeed. When she caught us she had the gall, the absolute gall, to put us in a prison cell without any
convenient air-ducts or fragile walls. And the corridors were too wide to hang from the ceiling and drop
down on unsuspecting guards. What a bitch. Tell her we said hi, okay?" her father added.
Leona smiled. "Okay, that I can do."
"Oh, one last thing before you go, dear," said her father.
"Err yes?"
"We love you, Leona. Come back to us," he said, giving her a hug. Leona was surprised for a moment,
before smiling and returning the hug. "Of course I will."
"Good luck dear," said her mother, joining the family hug.
There was a long, heart-warming moment as they enjoyed each others closeness.
The coffee-shop guy came up behind them, rubble falling off his shoulders as he rose from the wreckage,
madly screaming "DIE!" and swinging a sword.
Without turning around, Leona's father's hand shot out and clonked him with the toaster.

Leona waved to her parents as she hopped into her car. They waved back from in front of the collapsed
remains of her house, her father eating a slice of toast with his other hand.
"Bye guys!"
"Bye dear! Give them hell for us!"
Leona smiled as she backed out of the driveway and into the path of destiny.

Miles away, Peter Gunn came to a decision. He knew how Black operated. This might be his only chance
to prove himself to her.
He realised he was prepared to betray everything he had ever believed in. He didn't know if he could
have ever truly believed them, not if she didn't. She was his world.
Miranda would undoubtedly kill him when she found out.
It didn't matter.
For her. Anything was worth it for her.
At which point, since Leona was busy, her father leapt into the room and beat Peter up with the toaster.

And thus the stage was set for the final showdown, Good against Evil, Spy against Supervillian, Pregnant
Teenager against-
*thump* Ow! *thunk* Aaargh! *thwap* For the love of god stop hitting me! *thud* You're a character,
you're not even supposed to be able to hear the narration- *squeaky* GAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH! Okay,
I'll stop I'll stop! Godammit that hurts, that hurts so much.
Owie.
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* Okay, where in the hell did she get that? Seriously, I'm asking.
** Yes his name is Professor Brian Brain. I would have liked to meet his parents, they seem like fun
people.
*** This isn't a flashback. Her father is standing behind her, whispering in her ear and wiggling his fingers
dramatically.
**** [winces in sympathy]