What to expect from marriage

“Let’s celebrate!” that’s the message a wedding shouts to everyone in attendance. So we celebrate;
sometimes even after the bride and groom has departed. We rejoice in the beginning of their new life
together, hoping they will live happily ever after. But is that even possible?

The music fades and everyone leans forward to hear this beautiful couple’s words of promise to each
other. Standing before God, family members, and friends, they declare their love and commitment to
one another. Fast forward 30 years and this now elderly couple enters the restaurant. They sit down to
eat. The only conversation is the one held with the waiter. Living in a marital wasteland, they never
exchange eye contact, never hold hands. Married for thirty plus years, they find themselves with an
empty nest and no relationship because over the years it’s become easier to focus on the aggravations,
annoyances, and behaviors that frustrate and anger them in their marriage. They’ve lost sight of the
significant gifts of kindness and service they receive from their spouse each day. Their critical negative
attitudes have caused them to miss much of the joy of married life.

Hollywood has done a wonderful job making us believe in "happily ever after." What they’ve failed to do
is tell us how to maintain it. You see, they don't tell you what it's like to wake up to someone else's bad
breath each day or how to respond when the figure is replaced after 40 or so pounds added after
childbirth. Why do we spend more time planning for the wedding than we do planning for the marriage?

Great expectations are commonplace when we enter into a marital relationship but most of us are
challenged when the reality hits our imagination head on hurling us through the window of our soul to
search for a soft place to land only to find that there are chards of glass and steel waiting to cut us into
shreds. Happily ever after can only occur if two individuals are or become healthy on all levels; healthy
enough to love unconditionally, healthy enough to be complete in their own right and healthy enough to
trust God in all things including marriage.

What aids the process of becoming a couple? Why do some couples struggle? How can we turn that
struggle into a victory?

Emotional disillusionment in marriage is a symptom of lofty unattainable ideals. False beliefs about our
spouse’s ability to fulfill us will only leave us empty and dissatisfied. Scars left by deep and psychic
wounds can’t be healed by a spouse. Acceptance, security, significance, and sense of purpose and
worthiness are all deep personal needs that can only be attained through the love of God and self.
Mental, physical, spiritual and emotional completeness before marriage requires transparency achieved
only through open realistic communication. Without it you and your spouse will become emotionless,
withdrawn, and unhappy roommates with built up resentment which becomes insurmountable over
time.
Knowing who you are and whose you are will quench your deep personal needs. Search for your true
identity in the one by whom you were created. Truthfulness about yourself and dealing with the demons
hindering your discovery will allow you to begin your marriage as a whole person not looking for
someone to complete you but instead looking for someone to compliment you.

So what should you expect from marriage? That it will be the union of two imperfect people coming
together mind, body, and soul. These independent people will share a name, a checkbook, and a bed
but that won’t make the marriage. Expect that you will leave your old life and enter into an exclusive
interdependent lifelong commitment to each other. Anticipate that your spouse will learn to respect the
image of God in you and that they will never forget to pray for you daily. Never go to bed angry, (Still
working on this one occasionally). Most importantly expect that each of you will be faithful to your vow.
Your marriage is sacred ground. God has sanctioned it you must be determined as we are to come
together for God’s purposes, no longer two but one. My favorite saying is “Me and you against the
world Baby.” The Word tells us “Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, and it keeps no record of
wrong.” 1 Corinthians 13:5.

Work at growing your love and your relationship to a deeper level. Put love for God first. Make every
effort to have your goals and aspirations mature as your character deepens. These are the expectations
that will be rewarded.