Monday

31 October 2005

Published by the USSU

Communications Office.

Issue number 1093

It’s Free (So Pick It Up!)

The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper

Comment Galore! This week Literature: It seems we have Konsumer Revolt | Cheese
we have not one, not two, but sparks of creativity at this Gromit? | Page 7
three comment articles for (supposed) science university. Arts Section |Film, Music, etc.
you to peruse! Gay adoption Better than Shakespeare? The |Page 14
and Christmas - what a treat!. next Blake perhaps? | Page Puzzles| The Lyrics Quiz is here
| Pages 4-5 23 to stay | Page 22

Student Bursaries “Unfair”

By Joshua Bates
Student bursaries were criticised as being too compli-
cated to understand last week as Members of the Commons
Education Committee expressed concerns regarding the
new system to soften the impact of top-up fees for potential
students and their families. The President of Universities
UK (UUK), Professor Drummond Bone, admitted to MPs
the new system was “not equitable”.
Disadvantaged students were said to get a good financial
package for a place at universities such as Oxford, however,
at other institutions that admitted a greater number of those
from deprived backgrounds this was found not to be the
case. Prof Bone (Vice-Chancellor of Liverpool University)
and Baroness Diana Warwick (the Chief Executive of UUK)
were questioned as to the fairness of such proposals.
Whilst other members of the committee enquired about the
possible adoption of a national bursary scheme, as already
agreed in Wales, it was said that whilst it “might be worth
looking at” it was “not on the menu at the moment” despite
criticism that the focus of bursaries on a number of wealthier
institutions was a “pipe-dream”. One of the government’s
major goals, Prof Bones said, was to widen admissions to
traditional institutions for those from deprived backgrounds,
and large financial incentives would help this. Yet he con-
ceded that it was “certainly not equitable”.
A third of income from next year’s top-up fees will be
spent the modernisation of pay for university staff with
another third for teaching infrastructure, Prof Bones added.
The final third of the money has already been allocated to
go straight back into bursaries itself in advance of the fees
actually appearing.
Meanwhile, UUK has welcomed the announcement of an
enhanced package of part-time student support measures
from Higher Education Minister Bill Rammell.
Prof Bone commented; “Universities UK supports any
move towards increased support for part-time students and
better funding for institutions that provide part-time study”.
An increase from the current level of £1180 to approxi-
mately £1500 (per Full Time Equivalent) will be seen as a
result of an increase in the level of the fee grant for part-time
undergraduate students.
“Universities UK remains of the opinion that part-time pro-
vision is underfunded and that part-time students deserve a
package of support which is equivalent to that received by Professor Drummond Bone, President of Universities
full-time students.” UK (UUK)

South-East Students Unite Against Fascism

By Sophia Hawkins
On the 5th November the BNP are holding a
demonstration named, ‘arrest racist child rapists,’ in
Keighley, Bradford. According to Reading University
Students’ Union, the BNP are encouraging the message
that Asian men are the sole perpetrators of paedophilia.
In a response to this racist demo, Unite against Fascists
are calling all people and organisations from within the
southeast to hold a peaceful counter-demonstration to
support the Asian nation and to oppose race hate. This
demonstration will also be held on the 5th November in
Keighley, and has been backed by The National Union of
Students (NUS) and Student Assembly Against Racism
(SAAR). They are asking that all students help fight against
these fascists by attending and participating in the UAF
demo. The police are currently doing everything they can
to try and stop the BNP demo but it appears that it is still
very likely to go ahead.
Chris Ward, USSU Ethics and Equal Opportunities
Officer said of the demo, “The policies of the BNP are
detestable. No matter what ‘peaceful’ rally they hide
behind, students are aware of the sickeningly intolerant
ideals that they stand for. We must celebrate cultural,
racial, and sexual diversity; and not allow those who are
opposed to freedom and equality to get in the way of that.
The rally in Keighley does not directly affect students at
Surrey, but I promise the student population at UniS that I
will do my utmost to help ensure they are not subjected to
the poisonous views of fascists.”
“The university has a vast diverse community, and even
though the demo is being held quite far away from Surrey,
it is important that the students here are aware of events
like this so they themselves have the opportunity to counter
demonstrations that discriminate against people for what
they are, as opposed to what they do.”
The NUS Anti-Racism Conference takes place on
Wednesday 30 November 2005. Those who are interested
in attending should contact Chris Ward at USSU on
ussu.ethicsequalopps@surrey.ac.uk.

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends...

2 NEWS 31 October 2005

News, news, glorious news...

Editorial Team
All these addresses are @surrey.ac.uk (un-
Meningitis Claims Another Life
less otherwise mentioned). Funny that. By Marcin Stylski spokesperson for the Health Protection Agency said “Meningo-
coccal disease does not spread easily from person to person, and
Editor-in-Chief A student at Liverpool University was found dead in his cam- the risk to anyone else in the student population from this case
Neil Boulton: ussu.comms@ pus room on Saturday. Meningitis is believed to have been the would be very low indeed. None the less, we are treating close
cause. A post mortem was due to take place as Barefacts went to personal contacts of the student with antibiotics as a precaution-
Editor press. The 19-year-old has not yet been named. ary measure”.
Chris Ward: cs21cw@ A spokesperson for Liverpool University said “The University The most common symptoms of Meningitis are: severe head-
is extremely saddened by this news. Our student welfare depart- ache, stiff neck, dislike of bright lights, fever/vomiting, drowsy/
Deputy Editor ment will be contacting the family and we shall do all we can to less responsive/vacant and a rash develops anywhere on the
Joshua Bates: cs52jb@ support them”. body. These symptoms can appear in any order and not everyone
The risk of infection to other students is considered low, but necessarily gets all the symptoms.
Deputy Editor antibiotics were being issued to other students as a precaution. A
Sophia Hawkins: li52sh@
UK Universities in Cash Crisis Overseas students “to triple”
Head of Design By Marcin Stylski By Matthew Gardiner
Rachel Hana Cresswell

News Editor The forecasted growth in the number of overseas (non-EU) stu-
dents applying to UK Universities has not materialised, accord-
The number of overseas students wanting to attend UK univer-
sities could triple to more than 870,000 by 2020, a government
Marcin Stylski: li12ms@
ing to figures just released by the university admissions service report predicts. The main source of this demand is from Chna.
Features Editor “UCAS”. Universities had anticipated a rise in overseas students
by around 20% over a three year period, which included a rise in
The British Council said this should be worth around £13bn
a year to the economy, but warned of competition from abroad
Lia Parker: ps41lp@
fees of around 44%. The actual figure released shows only a rise from other English speaking countries such as the US, Australia
Arts Editor of 0.9% over the last year.
As a consequence, many Universities who were (quite literally)
and Singapore.
The number of students looking for courses in English-speak-
Beth Heale: bf.arts@gmail.com
banking on a rise in overseas students (and their hefty fees) find ing countries is predicted to expand from one million in 2003 to
Arts Editor themselves in a serious cash crisis. Not all Universities will be
affected, but many (including Surrey) will be. Some institutions,
2.6 million by 2020. In response Universities in the Netherlands,
Germany and even France are now offering programmes in
Nicole Heel bf.arts@gmail.com
such as Surrey may be forced to cut jobs, and/or postpone some English.
Fashion Editor expansion projects.
Mr Drummond Bone, the president of Universities UK (the Vice-
At Surrey we are fortunate that the university is in a relatively
strong financial position compared to other UK universities
Natalie Dowle: ms42nd@
Chancellors’ trade union), said many universities would be “seri- (though it is worth looking at Unis briefing 20 which shows the
Fashion Editor ously hit”. “If this trend continues over the next few years it will
be very difficult for the sector”. “It could mean serious cutbacks
picture is not all rosy), so it can effectively compete for these
students, not because of our fees or money from the government
Jamila Gangadeen
in capital investment and in staff numbers.” but because of its many business ventures and other activities.
Webmaster & Puzzlelord The Labour government’s decision to increase visa charges and
scrap the visa appeals process has given many overseas students
However, the majority of other UK universities are grossly under
funded and need significant investment if they are to affectively
Colin Everett: ma41ce@
the feeling that they are no longer welcome. A spokesperson for compete to avoid a loss in market share, of foreign students, to
Postgraduate Editor the Department of Education and Skills said it was working with
Higher Education institutions and the British Council to build up
some truly stunning foreign campuses who are getting in on the
act of teaching in English.
Lisa Ahmed
“a renewed strategy to encourage more students from outside of
Adverts & the like the EU to study here”. barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Aaron Salins: a.salins@
barefacts@ussu.co.uk

Retractions / Errors
Last week in our cover ‘Earthquake Appeals
Needs You’ article we printed that the UN
are going to donate $272 dollars. They’re not
tight-fisted, it was meant to be $272 Million...
Wa n t e d : b a r e f a c t s P G E d i t o r
barefacts and the PGA are looking for
a postgraduate student editor to help
coordinate the postgraduate-related articles
in barefacts™. If you are interested or have
more questions about the role, please contact
the current editor Lisa Ahmed at Sucheta.
Ahmed@surrey.ac.uk.
barefacts is an editorially independant newspaper and is Contributions must be submitted by the
published by The University of Surrey Students’ Union Monday before publication date to guarantee
Communications Office. publication. Letters may be edited at the discretion
The views expressed within the paper are those of the of the editorial team. Please send them to
individual authors and do not necessarily represent the barefacts@ussu.co.uk.
views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ You can take the time to write and post in if you
Union or the University of Surrey. want... but most people e-mail.
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions
barefacts
barefacts@ussu.co.uk Union House
University of Surrey Students’ Union
www.ussu.co.uk Guildford
Surrey
Copyright USSU Communications Office 2005 GU2 7XH
31 October 2005 NEWS / LETTERS 3

Letters to barefacts
Pen is mightier than the sword and all that. Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their
presence in the next newspaper. They may be edited for length or clarity | barefacts@ussu.co.uk

Trolleys 4 Justice with their own bar, just as can be seen at

Dear barefacts,
We would like to voice our concern at the
lack of trolleys afforded to us, by the multi-
million pound supermarket that is Tesco.
Several of our members have severely
damaged their arms and shoulders lifting
excessive shopping bag loads from Tesco to
campus. Many have been harassed by Tesco
staff for simply trying to borrow a trolley,
even though they would return it. We find
this unacceptable, especially when you think
how much business we bring them. There
are already trolley pick up points and we
do not see why these can_t be used, to ease
the struggle students are facing. In short we
want to see a solution to the problem of not
being able to take trolleys from Tesco.
Yours faithfully
Trolleys for justice.
Reading or Aberyswyth, this way you get to
know your hall mates and the community is
built, we don’t even see a college/hall photo
being taken at UniS! Sport is a key thing, it
creates competition and ones allegiance to
their hall can only be built in this environ-
ment.
At school we were divided into houses,
and the house had a house captain, we had
our own house meetings, we played sports
together we were in forms together, when I
left school the house were my family, they’ll
be the ones at my wedding! Why not start
something new at UniS the creation of the
college?!
Proud Uni Court Undergrad,
Mike Wilmot (2nd year, som)
Flo responds:
Dear Mark,
Thanks for the letter. I think your sug-
a Thursday and the seminar just ended. In to
Channies for a pre-lunch tipple and then off
home to get ready for the big adventure. As
well as being a fresher, I am also the football
secretary for Lymington & New Milton
FC (yes, I know they’re based in the lower
reaches of Hampshire and I live 70 miles
from them but they play in a reasonably high
standard of non-league football).
Thursday night was to be a ‘lads night out’
for the team and the management and, as
sort of chief administrator, some of manage-
ment team thought I should go along....not
one to turn down a free evening out, even if
it was over 70 miles from home, I got ready
and set off on the train from Farnborough to
New Milton.
The evening was a success in team ‘bond-
ing’. We upset the staff at the local Chinese
restaurant (but they were good sports and
took it all in good humour, bless them) and
we apologised to the other diners, when one
of our lot decided to rehearse for the Chip-
from my footie colleagues and my wife. The
footie boys thought it funny, were all drunk
anyway, sent me an interestingly worded
text message and went back to bed...and left
me at the station. My wife, bless her, got in
the car, drove all the way to Romsey at 5am,
picked me up and we got home at 6am. Will
I ever be let out again on my own. Oh, I
doubt it!
Come Friday, I start getting the phone
calls. Did you really sleep on Romsey sta-
tion? Why did you go to Fareham? and P**s
Head, were some of the comments. Will I
live it down. No, I doubt it. We have a match
Saturday and I’m sure that I’m going to get,
to coin a phrase, ‘slaughtered’. Can’t imag-
ine what the Club Chairman and Committee
will think. I’ve only had the secretary’s job
for about 6 weeks. I think they’re beginning
to understand that I am quite different from
my predecessors!!!!

Sense of
community vital
Dear barefacts,
I’m writing in relation to the front page re-
port on UniS being at the bottom of the pile
in the student survey questioning the time
enjoyed at university.
I was just wondering why that is? I speak
from experience as my time at school has
so far been more enjoyable than university
although I can’t imagine why. Might there be
any solutions that will boost the enjoyability
of a students university life?
Well I have thought of one! Everyone I
know who has gone to Oxbridge, Durham
and the older universities has come away
with ‘an experience of a lifetime’. Part of
this I believe is the sense of community
surrounding that experience which just isn’t
present here. That is to say at Oxford and
indeed newer universities like Loughbrough,
you are put into a college/hall when you start
(just like you are put into halls when you
start here) however at these universities the
hall or college you are in becomes like your
family and where you may not live there
after your first year, you are still part of that
community for your whole university life.
You become proud of being in Jesus college!
Why then am I not proud of being a Univer-
sity Court boy? Well, the university puts no
events on to encourage this sense of commu-
nity! I suggest a rugby tournament and other
sporting competitions between all the halls,
the creation of better halls common rooms
gestion is an excellent one. The courts of
residence are key to student integration at
Surrey. Some university bods may argue that
its just a space for you to live but it can be so
much more than that. Oxbridge, Durham and
the older universities had their colleges (in
our case courts of residence) named many
years ago but the fact remains someone
come up with the names and made efforts
to brand them with a coat of arms. 2005 is
not too late for the University of Surrey to
make history. We can get a coat of arms for
each court and create various court competi-
tions and events. The commuting students
can be assigned a court and be a member of
that court even though they do not live there.
This identity will stay with you throughout
your time at university. I have a dream…of a
University of Surrey where all students feel
proud to wear their ‘University of Surrey’
hoodies, where students wear T shirts and
hats with the university emblem on them
(oops… the university has no emblem, just
a coat of arms), a University of Surrey with
high student satisfaction.
Mark, I’ll forward your suggestion to the
relevant person at the university and see
what they come up with.
Flo, President
Sleeping at a
train station
Dear barefacts,
It was all going so well. Lectures over on
pendales....lovely underclothes according to
some of the lady diners, I just thought the Fighting
sartorial elegance was a bit sad!
Needless to say, like most sensible students
Discrimination
Dear barefacts,
when presented with free drinks I had one
Firstly, I’d like to thank all those who
sherbet too many. I get given a lift to Fare-
voted for me around a month ago in the
ham station - my trains don’t run from there.
part-time executive elections. I’m honoured
The station’s closed. Someone from the
to have been elected as Ethics & Equal Op-
team phones me.....this is, by the way, about
portunities Officer, and I will do my utmost
11pm. I had left some important paperwork
over the next year to ensure that the points in
behind. He would drive from Southampton
my manifesto are implemented.
to Fareham to pass it on and take me back
My job over the next year is to put my
to Southampton, so that I could get a train
principles into practise at UniS, paying par-
home. Now about 11.30pm and we arrive at
ticular attention to placement students and
Southampton Parkway. I instinctively get on
off-campus incidents. The amount of people
the first train. We get into eastleigh - fine, I
who have told me they have been subject to
know my trains go through that station.
discrimination whilst on placement is hor-
However, when we’ve been going a few
rifying, because none of those who I spoke
minutes, in my somewhat blurred atten-
to had actually reported the incidents, and
tion, I don’t recognise where we are. The
one had quit his placement as a result. This
guard marches down the train. “Where we
is unacceptable, and I’ll be working with
going mate” is my friendly rejoinder. He
Natcha Thomas (Placement & Employed
screams....Romsey “mate” ...back at me.
Students Officer) to ensure we provide the
Oh **** I say. I want to get back to Farn-
same service to our placement students as
borough, Oh dear, he smiles back and with
we do to those who are on campus.
that gives me a print out of the next train
If you witness any violation of equal op-
from Romsey to Eastleigh, from where I can
portunities whilst at UniS, please report it,
get back home. I get out at Romsey and the
even if you have to do so under an anony-
trains tootles off to the depot. No-one at the
mous guise. Any information given to me
station - empty, deserted, cold, rainy, middle
will be treated confidentially. Please be the
of nowhere....and it’s midnight...........and the
eyes and ears of equality both off campus
next train is.....6AM!!!
and on, and make sure you help stamp out
So, I spent around 5 hours on a lovely
discrimination at UniS.
station in the middle of the Hampshire
countryside waiting for my wife who, by
4am, had realised I wasn’t in. I had at least
Chris Ward
Ethics & Equal Opportunities Officer
sent out numbers of text messages for help...
USSU
4 COMMENT
Gay Adoption: A Dream Come True?
As the gay community continues the fight for equality, Sam Gurney gives us an update on the past, present, and future of the
continuing efforts to allow gay couples to adopt.
On November 21st and lesbian people for a number of reasons. This campaign
1999 George Bush went as far as to produce anti-gay adoption cards which stat-
stated for the press that ed if the person holding them should die they do not want
he does not support their children to be adopted by homosexuals. This was de-
gay adoption as he scribed as a cheap gimmick and angered the gay community.
believes that as a soci- However, such petty actions have been over shadowed by
ety we should aim for the MP’s statement that gay adoption is vital for the chance
the ideal situation in for more children to grow up in a stable family environment.
which only a man and This has been a giant revelation for the gay community and
a woman can adopt a has answered the prayers of same sex couples that wish to
child. This statement bless their lives with a child. I feel that the battle has been
from the current President of the United States of America won but the war is still being fought, the war of changing the
has been able to enforce the fact that societal views are still stigma surrounding gay parenting. Many people still believe
obstructing gay people’s rights to have a family. These views the old myths surrounding adoption by same sex couples, one
are critical in promoting prejudice which result in gay hate of which being that children raised by gay couples will turn
crimes. Despite this view expressed by the president 22 states out gay. Studies have shown that children of lesbian and gay
in the US allow single gay men and women to adopt a child parents are no more likely than any other child to grow up to
and 21 of these states allow gay and lesbians to adopt and be gay. In fact the environment in which a child of a same sex
then petition for a second parent adoption. However in the couple is raised can be more diverse and teach important mor-
UK homosexual and unmarried couples have in the past been als about love and tolerance of other people.
denied the chance to adopt. However in November 6th 2002, Many sources have stated that denying gay adoption does
the House of Lords voted to extend the pool of parents for nothing but deprive children who are in desperate need of a
adoption to include lesbian, homosexual and unmarried het- warm and loving environment. Has the issue of gay adoption
erosexual couples. But the question is why the fight for gay become so political that the needs of the children have be-
couples to adopt has been such a battle in this country when come second priority? If there is evidence to suggest that gay
the USA has embraced adoption by all couples despite their parents produce no more problems than heterosexual parents
sexual orientation. then why has the battle for equal adoption rights been so diffi-
Many groups have expressed their fear of adoption by gay cult and taken as long as it has? One viable answer is that it is
T’is NOT the season to be jolly
Has anybody ever wondered why Christmas cards are in the shops in September? Sophia Hawkins has not only wondered, but
she’s pissed off about it, and has gathered her thoughts so you can all share in the merry frustration. How kind of her.
Dear Santa, To me the best part of Christmas
It took the biscuit when I walked is the build up- and the first day of
into work on an early Saturday the advent is where it really begins.
morning and saw a manager I love to make crackers for the table
wearing……….. A CHRISTMAS with little novelties inside and paper
HAT!!! A bright red, furry Santa chains from crinkly tissue paper and
hat- I was surprised it didn’t have coloured card. The day when the tree
red flashing lights and sang, ‘We comes down from the attic is the day
wish you a merry Christmas!’ the magic really starts to hit me- I
On a previous occasion, I’d been love to decorate the tree and each
walking through town when I’d year I do a themed tree with my fam-
seen a shop decked out with trees, ily. Every year our decoration collec-
baubles and all things glittery. tion gets a little bigger and better. I
Now don’t get me wrong, I love love walking round the shops when
Christmas, in fact I’m often told its freezing and I’m wearing all my
I’m the Christmassiest person that people know. But, I guess, woollies, and all the shops are lit up in all their glory. I love
its precisely for this reason that I don’t like the fact that it when people knock on my door and start to sing Christmas
Christmas seems to be coming earlier every year; it seems carols. I love wrapping the prezzies I’ve bought and curling
we’re just settling back into the routine of life after our bliss- ribbons to decorate them. I love the smell of freshly baked
ful summer holidays when Christmas stuff hits the shelves. mince pies and Yule log. I love seeing all the houses deco-
In my opinion, this takes the magic out of Christmas and rated like a trussed up Christmas tree and the gardens that
indeed means that other festivities such as Halloween and are donned with a, ‘Santa stop here!’ sign. I love seeing the
Fireworks Night are overshadowed. excitement on little children’s faces in wonder at the pure
31 October 2005
the society’s view of homosexuals and their relationships that
is the real problem. Allowing gay adoption would oppose all
societies’ misguided notions of an ideal society. The question
now is will society ever truly accept and recognise gay and
lesbian parents as being equal to heterosexual ones? If the an-
swer at this point in time is no then what steps would have to
be taken to ensure this ideal becomes a reality? I feel that the
only way we can continue this battle is to continue to show
society that we are capable of caring for a child no matter
who we sleep with and that we will always put a child’s needs
before our own, which any good parent will always do. Then
hope that our children will grow up strong in character with
morals of equality and tolerance that will shape the following
generations and aid us in winning the war of equal rights.
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
brilliance of it all. I love everything about Christmas- even
down to the naff little nativity play they put on at the local
school.
However in my opinion by shops selling cards and cakes
and the suchlike in the middle of September ruins it a little
bit and somehow takes the magic away. And indeed the very
meaning of Christmas- or indeed what it means to me. For
the believers it’s a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but
for me its much more than that- it’s a time when the whole
family can get together and enjoy each others company, get
merry and have a good time. It’s a day to forget about the
worries of everyday life and to have a truly wonderful day-
despite the things that may happen. Its very rare nowadays
that we get the time to sit and appreciate what we have in
life but Christmas day allows us to do this. So please, shops
and individuals, let us have Halloween and fireworks first
and then let the Christmas sparkle really begin- by prolong-
ing it and bringing Christmas earlier every year you are mak-
ing Christmas into a stressful event and making it seem more
of a chore. And really how can having fun with your family
and being a bit silly and merry be a chore?
Love, Sophia Hawkins.
31 October 2005 COMMENT / FEATURES
Paving The Way for Equality?
Has the creative media helped change society’s perception on minority groups for the better? Chris Ward investigates.
It was only a few years ago that
the movies and comedy shows were
cashing in on the digs they could make
against certain minority groups. Some
may remember the scene from Naked
Gun 33 1/3 when Lt. Frank Drebin
threw up into a tuba after realising the
lady he had been getting it on with
wasn’t exactly a lady. The media
portrayed a clear social rejection of
that sort of thing. These days, things
are slightly different. Whilst the trans
and gay communities are still prone
to a few jokes at their expense, it seems the context has very
much changed, and for the better.
Take Little Britain’s Daffyd Thomas for example. A sym-
bol of the generation of gay men who were brought up to
expect discrimination for their sexuality. Whilst Daffyd will
remain a caricature of the type of gay man that will simply
Agony Niece
Q. I’m a (male) first year living off-campus and I’m finding
uni very lonely. I’ve made a few acquaintances in lectures
and tutorials but barely know anyone and don’t have a social
life (and I’m not sure I’ve ever really had one). Most of
the people I knew from sixth-form college have gone off
to other parts of the country, or are back at college and not
returning my texts. I tried going on a pub-crawl and just
got bored, especially in the nightclub, then got the last train
home. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and haven’t asked any
girls out at uni, mainly ‘cos I don’t really know anyone, and
my few acquaintances disappear back to their Halls (or God
knows where) when they’re not in lectures.
A. Commuting to university means you miss out on the fun
of being forced to live with other students. Still, I would
keep working on befriending people on your course, as you
are going to be stuck with them for the next few years. Just
sit next to random people and start chatting before lectures.
You could always ask them to show you round their halls,
and you could meet their flatmates. Having a social life
doesn’t mean going out and getting drunk every night. If you
are looking for more like-minded people, why not join a club
or society? That way you would have a common interest
with the other students. You could even come and write for
Barefacts (hint hint)!
Q. My housemates are constantly getting on my nerves. I
don’t even like the house we’re living in, but I do my best to
keep it tidy. They, on the other hand, leave their junk all over
the place and don’t do the washing up for days, expecting
me to do it. They eat my food and don’t replace it or admit
to taking it. They are also so incredibly rude. They play their
music and televisions really loud. When I try to do some-
thing for the good of us all, they throw it back in my face.
I’m starting to wish I never moved in with them. Do you
think it’s too late to find somewhere else to live?
refuse to blend in as a “normal”
person, the gay community should,
instead of being offended by this
portrayal, take solace in the con-
text with which Daffyd Thomas
is presented. No longer are the
heroes of the show heterosexual
males that are “subjected” to the
formally-stigmatised homosexual
advances. Those around him are
totally accepting of him, not to the
extent that they wish for him to
celebrate his sexuality, but to the
extent that they simply do not care what he is. In the vil-
lage of Llandewi Brefi (the BBC version anyway), the only
person who is indifferent to Daffyd’s sexuality is Daffyd
himself.
Kinky Boots, directed by Julian Jarrold, does poke the
odd bit of fun at the trans community, but only to highlight
A. Have you ever considered that the problem is with you
and not your housemates? I mean yes, it would be nicer if
they showed a bit more courtesy towards you, but is there
any need to be so hostile towards them? Have you tried
sitting down and rationally talking to your flatmates and ex-
plained your actions or why you are upset? If you still want
to move out, check your contract or talk to your landlord to
see how much notice you need to give. You should be able
to find somewhere else, as there are often posters up around
campus for spare rooms. But you can’t guarantee that living
with other people will be any better, especially if you don’t
know them.
Q. I am struggling to complete an essay I have been set. I
have a rough idea of what I am supposed to do, but I just
can’t get started on it. Some people on my course have
already handed their essays in, and that freaks me out even
more. As it is stressing me, I keep putting it off and doing
other things, like arranging all my cds, dvds and books in
5
how wrong it is to do so. What appeared to be a cheap “lady
coming onto straight man without straight man realising lady
is a man” stunt turned into a long and moving exploration
of how peer pressure and tradition expect us to conform to
a certain template. Most importantly, that stunt highlighted
the fact that society always allows you the opportunity of
ultimately changing that template for the better. It seems the
media is following a route of positivity. One that not only
opens eyes, but opens minds as well.
Equality is at a dangerous cross-road at the moment, and
there are many different paths to take. As hard-right media
becomes more and more stigmatised as a source of intoler-
ance rather than a source of balance, perhaps we’ll continue
to move in the direction of “insignificance”, whereby we
begin to recognise that many of society’s differences have
been suppressed in the past, and as they begin to show and
become accepted, then they will no longer become an im-
portant factor in the judgement of the person. At that point,
we’ll have reached true equality.
Have you got a problem for the Agony Niece? Send
them to bfagonyniece@hotmail.co.uk
alphabetical order. I know I can’t put it off forever though,
so how do I get it done?
A. Set aside a couple of hours in the very near future where
you will lock yourself in your room. Do not even THINK
of moving until you have made a decent start on your essay.
If you’re not strict with yourself, you’ll never get it done.
Have you used your Department’s resources to their maxi-
mum potential? The lecturer who set the essay? Examples of
past essays? Students in the year/s above you? Your course
reps might be able to bring it up at the next meeting if it is a
common problem. Instead of asking others on your course
whether they’ve completed it or not, why not ask what their
ideas are, so you can generate some ideas of your own. But
if you really are struggling, you should get in contact with
your personal tutor as soon as possible.
Q. If Surrey is meant to be the best university for getting
laid, how comes I haven’t managed to even pull? I would
say I was a fairly good looking guy but when I meet girls in
the union, they don’t seem to take any interest in me. One
of my flatmates says he’s already slept with two girls and is
ribbing me for not having even kissed one yet. I come from
quite a traditional family, so just going for it and “getting in
there” is a bit alien to me. But I can’t be that repulsive, can
I?
A. It is most likely that the girls you meet aren’t used to guys
that show them respect, so don’t know how to react. Perhaps
you are looking in the wrong places. There is no rule saying
that to get lucky you have to pick someone up in the union.
By the sounds of it, you would be better off getting to know
a girl first. Maybe your flatmate lacks the ability to woo
girls, so all he can muster are one night stands. Personally, I
would like to know how people have compiled the data that
makes UniS the best university for getting laid.
6 ROOM 101 31 October 2005

ROOM David Hynds curator of barefacts’ own Room 101 presents us with students’ offering to
this museum of dread. But will their pet peeves be relegated to the residence that houses

101
such beasts as Pocket Change & British Rugby Fans?
This article doesn’t write itself you know; it needs people like you, the dear reader. So keep your Room 101 suggestions coming
in; email me: mu21dh@surrey.ac.uk, with ‘Room 101’ as the subject title.
Now, in this edition of Room 101, we hear from Kayleigh Manley, a hot young first year with huge amounts of musical talent
(her own words...).

1. Old people in Tesco’s trying to use a trolley
Now I’m sure every student can relate to this. You’ve got an hour
or so between lectures and you have to get round Tesco quickly or
else you’ll find yourself starving for the week and that’s when you
realise the oldies are out in force. Pottering slowly right down the
middle of every aisle, stopping at every other item to make sure it’s
not on their list. And that’s not all. If you ever find yourself with an old
person heading straight towards you with their trolley, move or you’ll
become roadkill. They have the tendency of never politely moving
out of anyone’s way and seem to think that Tesco is their territory.
Everyone else in the store has the ability to avoid each other. Now
it’s not all old people, I must admit, but it’s just not necessary.
This throws up an interesting discussion point. Is there an age at
which our ability to use a shopping trolley becomes defunct? Or is it
that once you’ve retired, you have to fill your days with something
other than work? Shopping can now take a whole afternoon, what
with the going slowly and bumping into people you know and
chatting (in the middle of the pasta aisle). Because of this need to
shop every other day, you can’t possibly be doing a ‘big shop’ – so
old people should be made to use those personal shopping cart
things (you know which ones I mean, the tartan ones – your Gran
probably has one). They are smaller, and easily visible, plus aren’t
sturdy enough for people bashing. Therefore, in order to make this
common policy, Old People who Use a Shopping Trolley should go
into Room 101.
2. Excessive use of Speed Bumps
I can understand why speed bumps are useful; they slow down traffic which
is great in a town hugely populated by boy racers. However, in a housing
estate it is quite obvious that having more speed bump than road is hardly
helping the matter.
I’ve worked out that speed bumps actually pollute the environment. Every
time you slow down to go over one you then have to accelerate, burning
more fuel and polluting the environment. I’m not a driver myself but the over-
use of speed bumps in my home town is enough to drive even me crazy, and
if you’re the passenger in a small car you can obtain some serious bruises by
travelling around town.
It seems to me that if you can’t get from point A to point B, 500 yards away,
without encountering a speed bump that could wake a comatose person
then they are definitely being over used.
Now, I’m not a driver either, but I can understand how Speed Bumps could
be annoying. In the West Country (where I come from), not only are there
copious amounts of speed bumps, but also Traffic Calming Systems, and
Cattle Grids. They cause all sorts of trouble for car suspension, and as Kayleigh
quite rightly mentions, they can cause damage to the passengers!
Nevertheless, I remember the fun we had as kids, being taken on coaches
to the Leisure Centre to get our weekly swimming lessons. The road up to the
pool had a number of speed bumps, and it was really fun to jump every time
the bus went over one! For the sake of generations to come, speed bumps
have to stay out of Room 101.

3. Males who don’t know their boundaries
This is for the females out there who have ever had to
deal with a pesky guy who doesn’t know the meaning
of the word ‘No’. Now, there are different ways in which
guys can over-step the mark, each as bad as the other.
First there is the guy who won’t accept that a girl is
not single. It’s fine for a non-single girl to go out and
meet men but it doesn’t mean that after that night
she should be pursued. Friendship is fine of course but
when the guy proceeds to try it on, that is when it gets
unacceptable.
Next there is the guy who just won’t take ‘No’ for an
answer, from a single or non-single girl. This doesn’t
take much explaining at all; it is simply the kind of guy
who thinks he’s so fantastic that any answer other than
“Yes, get in my pants” from a girl is not what he should
be hearing. Guys, if you want to be considered a
gentleman, act like one.
Not all guys are bad, however, and that is obvious
to any girl who has been treated like a princess; but it
really doesn’t take presents and pampering for a guy to
be a good one, just manners.
4. Crazy Frog and ‘Friends’
Everyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows exactly what I’m referring to by Crazy
Frog, but his ‘Friends’ may be a bit of a hazy area. I’m talking about all those other little
characters who have their own little theme tunes that plague the television. They are
characters who the creators think are so appealing that we would just love to have them
dancing around on our phones as a ringtone. They are sadly mistaken. It is only seven
year old children who keep buying these rubbish ring tones, yet we all have to put up
with the annoyance on television. The main problem with these characters is that the
tunes are so irritating they stick in your head for days on end. It all went too far when
Crazy Frog released a single. The radio is plagued as well. There is no middle-ground on
these “creatures”, they are all annoying and must go.
Finally someone has mentioned this little fellow. I think everyone tends to agree on this
point; no need for a lengthy discussion is there? Good. In it goes.
A nice healthy selection goes into Room 101 this time. If you think
you could come up with a selection that would impress me, the
keeper of Room 101, then see below for more details.
Have you anything you would like to permanently get rid of?
If so, email mu21dh@surrey.ac.uk, with ‘Room 101’ in the subject
line. Don’t forget to write a little about yourself, and ensure that your
Die, Dammit, Die...

choices are explained fully.

Agreed. I would like to think I’m a nice guy, and I can It is the columnist’s right to edit entries as he deems fit, so it would be
see that there are some people out there who fit this most useful if explanations are lengthy, and in detail. Barefacts and the
description of Kayleigh’s. Blokes, you do realise that columnist will ensure that the majority of your contributions are used,
you’re not doing yourselves any favours by behaving however; if suggestions are in any way derogatory, then they shall be
like this? This suggestion goes right into Room 101. omitted.
Remember, keep it clean.
31 October 2005 KONSUMER REVOLT! 7
barefacts very own attempt at a consumer testing
section. We were aiming for interesting and
informative...
by Neil Boulton
In this edition the Konsumer Revolt team take on a food-stuff which may well be the corner stone of our student diets - Cheese. Simple as that really, stores were invaded and samples of
cheese purchased for testing. We bought a ‘value’ and a ‘regular’ cheddar cheese from Tesco’s, Sainsbury’s and the Co-op. Co-op however were a bit under-stocked, only yielding pre-sliced
cheddar cheese (Possibly making the price comparisson inacurate), which while a tad weird, was still cheese so stayed in the competition. The test took two parts: Part the first, a simple taste
test. Part the second however was perhaps far more important than the first - Cheese On Toast! Each of our six cheeses were lovingly sliced by official Konsumer Revolt chef ‘Special’ who ‘got
his grill’ on in order to whip up cheese toastie examples for the test regime (Cheeses were also toasted on the bread of their own store). Also in the test group was a token welshman, eager to
see how the Konsumer Revolt team would rate his national dish. Curiously the ‘value’ end of the cheese spectrum isn’t called cheddar, just a generic ‘cheese’... Anyway, on with the cheese!

Just Cheese
Tesco Value Mild Cheese
(3.34 /kg)
Susan: It Tastes like edam....
Tree – it tastes like an edam cheddar hybrid
Special – Allergy advice: Contains Milk
Tree – you see that one gets a yay, but
it should be noted that it is not Cheddar.
Those marketing people, always out to get
me and my food pound.
Susan – I liked that, but it’s not cheddar!
Special: I did like the initial taste, but since
then the after taste is beginning to hurt deep
inside.
Tesco English Mild Cheddar
(4.84 /kg)
Tree: ok now this is cheddar. Dear lord
that’s a marketing improvement.
Special: humm has taste, doesn’t taste of
nothing ness. That’s cheddar – it has that
cheddar tang.
3/3 : it’s actual cheddar!!
Special: I approve.
Tree : its leaving some odd form of flem in
my mouth, but we’ll ignore that.
Susan: I’m going to have to say nay, I don’t
like cheddar
Tree: we have just discovered Susan doesn’t
like cheddar, it’s going to be an interesting
evening. Although, if we find the cheddar
the man who doesn’t like cheddar likes,
we will have found the best for it will have
converted him!
Sainsburys Basics mild hard cheese
(3.34 /kg)
Tree: ARGH, this feels horrible, this is the
least appealing cheese I have ever touched.
Special: This is probably a bad time to say
it but this feels like the rubber they make
Just Cheese
condoms out of.
Susan: It doesn’t have the bad taste of
cheddar to it – which is a plus… but it
tasted awful.
Sainsbury’s Mild English Cheddar
(4.68 /kg)
Tree: At lease it tastes better
Susan: it’s got a lot of flavour to it.
3/3 : the tesco one is a lot nicer.
Special: it’s sort of a nay on principle
Tree: it tastes like hardened flem.
Sainsbury’s be good to your self
medium cheese (6.29 /kg)
Susan: this is not good.
Tree: what the, This stuff is actually
burning the inside of my mouth.
Special: This tastes more mature than a
medium.
Tree: “Be good to yourself” – WHAT
HAVE I DONE WRONG?!
3/3: blaarggh.
Susan: my tongue is tingling even now
– eugh, this is why I don’t like cheddars.
Co-op Mild Cheddar cheese
(priceless?)
Susan: not awful, but again – it tastes like
cheddar, so it’s not nice!
Tree: I prefer my cheese in blocks. It was a
weird experience, not one I’ll be telling my
grandchildren about.
3/3 : Bleuagh.
Susan: I’m going to give it a Yay, although I
wouldn’t buy it. It tasted not bad, but I still
don’t like cheddars.
Special: Ok, that cheese actually makes me
feel ill. My stomach is beginning to feel a
little weird.
C h e e s e o n To a s t
Tesco Value Cheese on Toast
Tree: this is nice.
Susan: mmm, mm, mm mmmm, mmmm,
mm., mmmm That’s good.
Special: Cheese!
3/3 : It was plasticky and chewy but it was
good.
Special: Just, Bleugh
Tesco Normal Cheese on Toast
Susan: Mmm, this is good.
Tree: is that sarcasm?
Susan: no!
Special: I taste greasiness.
Tree: I like it!
3/3 : yum
Special: a retrospective yay
Tree: it was like a greasier version of the
first but I still like it.
Sainsburys basic cheese on Toast
Special: this one it taking it’s time to melt
– it could actually be plastic.
Susan: WHERE’S MY CHEESY TOAST
Special: here it is.
Susan:… Where’s my cheesy toast. Very
little taste.
Special: Did I just eat something.
Tree: it’s nice I like it.
Susan: It was very nice toast but it had some
tasteless hot stuff on top of it.
Tree: I like the texture.
Susan: Yeah the texture was ok.
3/3 : more please!!!
Winner! A simple count of the ‘just
cheese’ & ‘cheese on toast’ totals
yields a clear winner - Tesco Mild
Cheddar. And only Susan liked Co-op
cheddar cheese slices. Hopefully we’ve
all learned something from all this...
Sainsbury’s Normal Cheese on Toast
3/3 : Yay
Tree: Subtle but magestic.
Susan: Not sure what it is but I just don’t
like that one so much.
I guess it might just be that I have had too
much cheese on toast already.
Special: This is the Welshman’s choice.
3/3 : only because Sainsburys is close than
tescos
Sainsburys be good to your self
Susan: Sainsburys be good to your self
cheese works on the basis that, if it tastes
bad enough no one will eat it – therefore
you will not put on any weight.
Special: Is cheese on toast supposed to
inflate?!
Note cheese appears to inflate itself.
It is the armidillow of cheese on toast
Tree: I like this one
Susan: ooh no, eugh, this is just wrong.
3/3 : This is not good to me.
Special: I liked that one, it tastes a little like
burnt cheese but I like that.
Tree: Cheesemanaughts.
Co-op Mild Cheddar Cheese on
Toast
Tree: It doesn’t smell very appealing.
Special: That does almost taste like channies
cheese… with the added grease from refried
chips.
I think I’ve had enough cheese for the
moment.
3/3 : bad dreams tonight
Special: Yeah, everyone try and write up
their bad dreams tonight.
C h e e s e o n To a s t
8 FOOD 31 October 2005
This Week’s Food Section is EPIC. Just look at all those tasty meal & snack ideas. Immense. Thanks to Jayne Thomas & Emma Clarke for collecting all of these
recipies together. Next edition they’re looking at Winter Warmers...

Healthy Go Happy Chicken and Apple Curry

This week’s recipes are for those of us who want to try and get a few more nutrients into our (Serves 4)
diet that might bring a bit of a change from the burgers and chips which are starting to bore the
Prep time: 10 mins
taste buds by now!
The common clichés to a healthy diet: Cooking time: 30 mins
• 5 portions of fruit and vegetables per day,
• a balance of red and white meats for proteins, Ingredients:
• plenty of pulses and grains, 4 chicken breasts (sliced)
• keep the calcium up with milk (skimmed or semi) and natural yoghurt 1 tbsp olive oil
• Red wine for the heart!
1 onion (chopped)
• Always eat breakfast.
But remember it’s about balance and don’t forget the regular exercise too! 1 teaspoon curry powder
1 carrot (sliced)
Now any idea about herbs - other than that they are green and look a bit like grass or leaves? 1 red pepper (sliced)
Here’s an easy guide to how to start using them in our daily diets: 1 can of coconut cream (400ml)
Basil: Classic with Tomatoes. Not to be cooked, but torn and added to salads, tomato and fish 250ml chicken stock (oxo cube and 250ml hot water)
dishes.
2 green apples (chopped)
Coriander: Essential for Asian cooking. Stimulates the appetite. Add chopped to curries, noo-
dles, salads. Goes well with mint and basil. 30g sultanas
Mint: Yummy with roast lamb. 1 tbsp fresh coriander (or 1/2 tbsp dried mixed herbs)
Parsley: High in Vitamin C. Flat leaf parsley - chopped roughly and added to omelettes, to-
mato salads, salsas. Curly parsley should be chopped finely. Method:
Rosemary: Helps the memory and eases hangovers. Perfect with roast lamb. Goes well with Chop onion and garlic finely and fry in pan on medium heat with olive
chicken, roast potatoes, garlic and root vegetables.
oil. Add the curry powder and herbs as coating for onion.
Sage: Ideal with pork, pasta and ravioli.
Thyme: Mixes well with chicken and lamb. As part of garnish with leeks or carrots. Add the chicken pieces and cook for 5 minutes, until lightly browned.
Add chopped carrot, peppers, apples and sultanas.
Add chicken stock and coconut cream, boil, then simmer for 20 min-
Cheese on Toast with a Twist utes and allow sauce to reduce.
Thanks to Kuldip Serve with wholemeal or basmati rice.
Prep time 2mins
Cooking time 5mins Variations:
Pears instead of apples - Celery instead of peppers - Bean sprouts
Ingredients: instead of carrots. Curry Powders come in varying ranges of heat: Mild,
Wholemeal/Granary bread,Red Pesto, Cheese Medium, Hot. Adapt due to your taste!

Method:
Toast the bread. Spread with a little red pesto. Sprinkle with grated
cheese. Grill until the cheese melts and starts to turn golden. Stuffed Peppers
Add a little pepper... (Serves 3)
Prep time: 15 mins
Tips: Slice a tomato (baby toms work well) and add on top of the Cooking time: 10 mins
grated cheese before putting under the grill. Delicious
Ingredients:
6 large peppers
1 tbsp fresh coriander (or 1/2 tbsp dried mixed herbs)
Muesli Crunch Cakes
Salt and pepper
Prep time: 5mins
1 tbsp olive oil
Cooking time: no cooking, about 45mins in the fridge
2 spring onions (chopped finely)
1 garlic clove (crushed)
Ingredients:
3oz wholemeal breadcrumbs or 1/2 cup of cous cous
175g Hard block margarine
1 tbsp soy sauce
2tbsp Golden syrup
50g Brown sugar
Method:
3tbsp Cocoa powder
Slice top of peppers and scoop out middle of peppers.
75g Raisins/Sultanas/Currants etc
Combine the herbs, salt and pepper, oil, onions, garlic, and soy
350g Muesli (or other oaty type cereal)
sauce. Heat the cous cous in water with 25g margarine and simmer
200g Chocolate (plain or milk, cooking or not)
for 5 minutes (according to packet instructions). Mix the cous cous
(or breadcrumbs) with the herb mixture and fill the peppers with
Method:
equal amounts. Oven bake the stuffed peppers for 10 minutes
Grease an 18x28cm baking tin (or line it with greaseproof paper).
at 190degrees or microwave at 70% for 5 minutes, until hot but
Melt the margarine, sugar, syrup and cocoa in a pan.
remaining firm. Serve with melted feta cheese on top or with Bacon-
Remove from heat and stir in the raisins and cereal.
Wrapped chicken.
Press the mixture into the tin evenly.
Melt the chocolate (place in a bowl, place bowl into a pan that has
Variations:
some hot water in it) and then spread over the mixture (right into the
Use large tomatoes instead of peppers. Use grated carrot or
corners).
babycorn instead of onions.Serve with rice instead of cous cous or
Chill until set and then cut into fingers.
bread crumbs.
Store in an airtight container.
31 October 2005 GLORIOUS FOOD 9
it’s not just healthy eating in this edition’s food fest - There’s also a host of recipies for
lunch in a rush! Hummus and Raisin Topped Toast
Thanks to Jayne
Prep time: 1min
Noodles and Corned Beef
Cooking time: 2mins
Thanks to Alex Adams and DC
Prep time 5mins
Ingredients:
Cooking time 5mins
Wholemeal/Granary bread, Hummus, Raisins

Ingredients:
Method:
Bachelors Super Noodles (chicken flavour), Tin of Corned Beef, BBQ
Toast the bread. Spread with hummus. Sprinkle with raisins.
sauce, Soy Sauce, Salt and Pepper.

Tips: To speed up the process, while toasting the bread, arrange the
Method:
raisins on a plate (roughly in an area the size of a slice of bread) and
Break up noodles and simmer in hot water for 5 minutes (according
then after spreading the hummus, press the hummus side down onto
to packet). Add half a tin of Corned Beef and mix in well. Add BBQ
the plate picking up the raisins!
sauce, soy sauce and salt and pepper. Serve with crispy bread rolls.

Tips:
Substitute Corned Beef for tuna mayonnaise! Yum! Sweet Potatoes with Chilli
(For the ladies in PATS!)
Thanks to Jayne
Prep time: 5mins
Bacon and Banana Sandwiches
Cooking time: 10mins
(Makes 2)
Thanks to Hannah Orchard and her famous chef!
Ingredients:
Prep time 5mins
A little oil, Sweet Potato, Chilli powder, Soy sauce
Cooking time 10mins

Method:
Ingredients:
Cut some sweet potato into 1/4in thick slices. Heat some oil in a frying
Rindless back bacon, 2 Bananas, Butter, Mango chutney, Mayonnaise,
pan. Add the sweet potato and fry for 5 mins till turning a little golden.
Lettuce (washed), Thickly sliced white bread
Add a dash of soy sauce and sprinkle with chilli powder (as hot as you
like!) Toss a little to coat the slices...
Method:
Grill 6 rashers of bacon on medium heat.
Options: numerous!
Slice bananas into small pieces (1cm thick).
You can add peas, chopped peppers, sweetcorn, leek, red or white
Butter the bread (optional to toast bread).
onion and even cous cous (or a mixture of them).
Make sandwich filled with layer of banana slices, layer of 3 rashers
Can also swap chilli powder for a bit of paprika.
of bacon, layer of lettuce, layer of mango chutney and layer of
mayonaise. You could try adding sliced apple too!
Enjoy!
Bacon-wrapped Chicken breasts
(Serves 3)
Baked Beans with a twist Prep time: 10 mins
Thanks to James - Rob - Dandridge Cooking time: 30 mins
Prep time 5mins
Cooking time 5mins Ingredients:
3 chicken breast fillets
Ingredients: 2 tbsp wholegrain mustard
Tin of Baked Beans Salt and pepper
Crunchy Peanut Butter 1 tbsp soy sauce
Butter 1 tbsp honey
Thickly Sliced Bread 9 streaky bacon rashers
Dried mixed herbs
Grated cheese (optional) Method:
Salt and Pepper Make a paste with the mustard, soy sauce, salt and pepper and
honey. Spread the paste over each chicken breast.
Method: Take three rashers of bacon and wrap round each chicken fillet,
Toast bread and butter, then add a layer of peanut butter. overlapping slightly. Secure with a cocktail stick. Place chicken on a
Simmer beans in pan for 4 minutes until cooked through. roasting tin in the oven at 190 degrees for 30 minutes; until bacon is
Add mixed herbs and salt and pepper. crispy and brown. Check chicken is thoroughly cooked by slicing meat
Pour beans over toast and add grated cheese. with knife (juices should be clear).

You wish has been granted...

...Sunday Roasts now being
served in Chancellor’s.
(on a Sunday... obviously)
10
Ah lifestyle. Philosophy, religion, music, and even explorations into the depths of the human psyche. Enjoy this week’s offerings from
barefacts very own Liz Lawrence.
Buy Nothing Day!
It’s gearing up. “26th of November
is the International Buy Nothing
Day. Participate by not Participating!
I don’t think I need to pontificate too much about our consumer culture, which
frankly has gone totally off the rails with disastrous consequences for planet and
humankind. You all know (I hope) the sad statistic that 20% of the planet’s popula-
tion consume 80% of the resources. I could go on and on, the ecology, sweat shops,
child-labour, perpetuating and growing the divide between rich and poor…Oh dear,
I have become too depressed for words and I might have to go out for some retail
therapy…
Check out BND’s excellent web-site www.buynothingday.co.uk. Also this year
again Buy Nothing Christmas at www.buynothingchristmas.org . Both sites totally
brilliant and they are providing some good ideas of how to resist the evil empire of
mindless shopping.
I particularly liked:
GO TO WORK - GET FIRED
1. Get a Saturday job at a BRANDED store or FOOD OUTLET.
2. Time it so your first day at work is on BND (November 29th).
3. Invite lots of your friends along.
4. Your friends pretend to be customers and que at your
checkout.
5. You refuse to sell stuff because its BND.
6. Your friends (un-happy shoppers) create stink.
7. Tell the store manager you wont sell anything on BND!!!
8. See how long it takes before you get FIRED!!!
If you’re already working on BND - PHONE IN SICK!!!
Also good - setting up swap shops and credit card cut-up sessions.
Check out the web-sites and tell all your friends about Buy Nothing Day!
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Buy Nothing Day - where you buy nothing. Flags, however, don’t count.
LIFESTYLE 31 October 2005
Classical Music
Inexpensive and Irrelevant?
When even one of biggest selling classical artists is throwing in the towel and defecting to pop is there
any hope at all for classical music? In case you were wondering – I am referring to Welsh Warbler
Charlotte Church. In her prime she had the “aah”factor-granny appeal and managed to outsell even the
mighty Pavarotti. Quite a feat given that as a classical singer she was actually total rubbish.
A rather unscientific straw poll at the Barefacts meeting confirmed my suspicions of total disinterest
among Surrey students. To be fair there was one other person who had had piano lessons and kind of
regretted not to have persevered.
If you think of Culture as a Darwinist display of affluence that a society can afford –labour dedicated
to entertainment is lost for other more immediately pressing tasks like ploughing the fields - then the
Arts are broadly equivalent to a particularly spectacular but useless peacock’s tail. Playing in or listen-
ing to a Symphony Orchestra or an Opera must be one of the most expensive pastimes in the world.
Just to train up the participants (players, singers, conductors) requires on average around 10 years of
training each, add to that the cost of the instruments, staging etc. My rough estimate of “cost” for a
Symphony concert is as follows:
120 players (required for some of the heavier late romantic symphonies)
10 years of training each
5 hours of practise
5 days a week
48 weeks of the year
12 million workdays of 8 hours!!!
(All of these figures are actually quite conservative in my view – some brass players might practise
less, but the strings will probably compensate)
Then, if we are talking opera production, say at Covent Garden add another £350,000 for the set, plus
another £300,000 for director, designer, singers etc. (I am not even counting the cost of running a
building) and the amounts get fairly staggering and definitely too big for my little head to add up.
Is it worth it? Well, no, if it’s only aimed at corporate entertainment and the rich in general. To make
Orchestras and Opera Houses eligible for public subsidy they now have to provide outreach and
education to qualify. Commendable but also akin to shutting the stable door after the proverbial horse
has bolted. Years of educational neglect, the virtual destruction of most county music services cannot
be remedied by a few workshops held by well-meaning orchestral players and 3rd rate opera sing-
ers – because you can bet your sweet little ass that the “stars” are not going to come to some primary
school to peddle their craft. The discrepancy between singers and orchestral players is noticeable here
– whereas members of the LSO, undoubtedly one of the finest orchestras in the
world, regularly visit inner city London schools, I have not heard of any big name
opera stars doing the same.
If classical music has become irrelevant to you it is understandable. But you are
missing out. Stick 2 fingers up to the establishment and claim your heritage back.
For the risk of sounding like Classic FM, it is the world’s most beautiful music
and you will be rewarded with an emotional experience which would be difficult
to replicate in any other way. Also, revel in the fact that while classical music is
expensive it is also (relatively) uncommercial – the big bucks are made in pop
music. And, although it has been tried, it is virtually impossible to manufacture
a classical performer. There is obviously Vanessa Mae, the violinist famous for
playing in a wet T-Shirt and more recently Kathryn Jenkin, who for some reason
has got away without singing topless – it would be the only explanation for her
success. But these two aberrations apart, you can’t pretend to mime into a micro-
phone if you are on an opera stage or need to play a piano concerto. Try out some
classical music, you might like it.
Interested in writing a lifestyle article? Interested in writing
any articles for that matter?
Get in touch: barefacts@ussu.co.uk
31 October 2005 STUDENTS’ UNION 11
USSU President Folarion “Flo” Oyeleye has put his dexterous fingers to his keyboard and written some articles on the present and
future goings on of the Students’ Union here at Surrey. Strap yourself in as we head to the future...
The list can go on forever. It is difficult to predict the relationship between the students’ union and
the future of nightclubs and even harder to predict the local community, local council and corporate
the future of your student union (not talking sponsors we hope to have by 2010. There is much
about the nightclub or the bar anymore). External more in it but this just gives you an idea of how
Sounds like a sporting event doesn’t it! It could
companies have this similar problem and they the students’ union wants to evolve to make all our
be the world tournament for snakebite drinkers.
tackle it by deciding where they want the company services better every year. (To some people that
Or it could be the university olympics before the
to be in 5-10yrs. Well the students’ union decided didn’t make any sense) The students’ union wants
London olympics. It is actually a headline just to
to jump on the successful companies (the students’ to try to keep the drinks as cheap as we possibly
get you reading my terribly written article. I want
union is actually a charity) and do the same. Over can, sound better? (obviously in line with our
you lovely readers think about what Rubix will
the last year the students’ union developed a sensible drinking policy!).
be like in 5yrs…….. I have a few things to get
document that talks about were the University of
your minds going: Will Rubix still lack proper
Surrey Students’ Union should be in 5yrs and how To read the Union Strategy go to ussu.co.uk. Its all
ventilation to make the students comfortable when
these objectives will be achieved. The document is there and was voted in at Union council (the forum
they are out having a good time? Will AJ (head of
called ‘The Union Strategy 2005- 2010’ (You can where every student can have their say on what the
doorstaff) still be called an uneducated twat every
find it at ussu.co.uk). students’ union is doing or should be doing). Next
night by students? Will Leroy still be djing off a
time I’ll find something more exciting to write
laptop or would he step up his game and dj with an
So I don’t bore you, the strategy includes things about. Till next time, Flo says…..if you see me
ipod? Will the toilets in Rubix still be an absolute
about the improvement of sport clubs and don’t be a stranger, I am the friendliest dude in the
embarrassment or will we have the trendiest
societies, the better welfare service the students’ world. I’m working for you so tell me what you
unisex toilets in the UK? Will Rubix have A-list
union will provide the students and how the want me doing for you.
celebs performing every other week? Will it still
students’ union will continue to operate a sensible
be so difficult to get served at the bar or will every
business model so that we constantly reinvest our Folarin “Flo” Oyeleye
student have an unlimited tab at the door and the
profits in students. It includes the improvement in USSU President
bar?

Two Adverts, which next to each other seem unusual. But individually are fantastic!..
12 IT’S THE ENTS PLANNER! 31 October 2005
Did you know?... Fetish Night tickets have gone on sale already. Fetish Night is the dress-up event
of the Rubix calendar - Expect a great deal of scantily clad women and men in drag. So buy your
tickets from the Union Shop now! There are also tickets available for Rachel Steven’s appearance
at the USSU gay-friendly night Tease. Remember to sign up to the Students’ Union Newsletter &
Grapevine at ussu.co.uk/grapevine

October 31st - November 6th

Chancellor’s Cocktail Night
Monday
31st
featuring:
Tuesday Mark Watson,
Ben Hurley
1st & Guests

Wednesday 2Unlimited’s Anita Doth

2nd
Open Mic Night in Chance l l or’s
Thursday
3rd

It’s Friday!
Friday £2 Advance,
£3 before 10:30pm
4th £4 afterwards
No-Wave (Rock, Punk, Indie, etc.)
in the HRB

Saturday
5th
Tease
Rubix 9:30pm - 2:00am

Stella Screen
Sunday
Free Film - Fright Night Special!
6th in the HRB 8pm
31 October 2005OH YEAH! THE ENTS PLANNER 13
The Brand Shiny New USSU e-News Letter Thing!
Yep, some of you may already have read this stirling piece of information delivery, others haven’t. Basically much
like Grapevine supplies you with all you Union Entertainment news, The USSU newsletter provides you with all
your general students’ union news & info: Sign up today (identically to grapevine) at ussu.co.uk/grapevine

November 7th - November13th

Chancellor’s Cocktail Night
Monday
7th

ll ll t i m e:
Las t
Tuesday Chance or’s Cha enge: r i z e
1st P £60...
g e t to
8th Tree & Piers attempt to run a quiz! in Chancellor’s no less!
8pm - £1 per person in a team
D o n
gA
r
’t Fo en...
P
All entry money goes towards the Quiz Cash Prize!
B r i n

Wednesday
9th
Open Mic Night in Chance l l or’s
Thursday
10th

It’s Friday!
Friday £2 Advance,
£3 before 10:30pm

11th £4 afterwards
Presha (Drum ‘n’ Bass)

Chancellor’s is open
Saturday They’d love it if you came by
Seriously
12th They would...

Sunday Without Grace

+ Support

13th 7:30pm Rubix

14 MUSIC
The Arts Section, as usual, starts off with music. The Next CD Hand-out for Music Reviews will be Monday 5pm, 31st October (The day
this paper comes out actually...), then fortnightly after that. Neat, huh? (bf.arts@gmail.com if you can’t wait)
EL PRESIDENTE
El Presidente
One Records / Sony BMG
It’s a shame that some bands who
create unforgettable albums just
don’t cut it live. El Presidente have the
opposite problem. Having witnessed
a quite frankly, stunning support set at
Somerset House over the summer, I was
expecting the album to reflect this. Alas,
this was not the case. ‘Without You’, the
opening track and most recent single
is definitely a plodder. It doesn’t quite make you shout “Yeah!” and wave
your hands in the air (like you just don’t care), but it’s good for a car journey
through the Alps. Tracks like ‘Keep On Walking’ and ‘Turn This Thing Around’
have the energy and groove, but I can’t help comparing them to the fantastic
sound they produced on stage. And this is where I contradict myself. I like
listening to this album. This Glaswegian quintet write fine songs, and the
musicians are all very good too. ‘Hanging Around’ is a brilliant, brilliant track
with an awesome groove, whilst ‘Count On Me’ is a little more lacklustre (the
word ‘boring’ seemed a little harsh there – don’t you love thesauruses?(or
thesauri? Is that a word? – Nicole). I know this review seems very confusing,
but it’s very difficult to know what to say. The music has been described
as disco-rock with a “sexy, sleazy party vibe” which sums it up pretty well.
They’re an awesome band to see in the flesh, and if you buy the album
and like it, then go buy some tickets now. For virginity-less El Presidente fans
– wait for the live album. 3/5 Patrick Hunter
OCEANSIZE
Everyone Into Position
Beggars Banquet
A good start to trying to explain a bit
what Oceansize sound like would be
to list some of the bands they’ve toured
with: The Cooper Temple Clause, Cave In
& Biffy Clyro. The guitar styles range from
heavy riffs to sparser sounding, more
ambient, guitar work. ‘No Tomorrow’
ends with some full-on-metal levels of
riffage while ‘Music For A Nurse’ is a
subdued winding instrumental. ‘Everyone Into Position’ let’s the band show
off a range of styles and ideas, adding them to a central identity. Basically,
the songs are distinctively different, but they all sound like they belong
together as an album. Examples: The opening track, ‘Charm Offensive’ lets us
hear what Trent Reznor would sound like if he didn’t believe in synthesizers
and the closer ‘Ornament/The Last Wrongs’ sees the band encroaching
on territory usually reserved for The Polyphonic Spree. I could go on, but
I won’t. The album has pretty much everything (there’s even a little bit of
electronic glitch for 16 seconds in the intro to ‘New Pin’) and sounds as
large as their name would have you imagine; single track ‘Heaven Alive’
has a staggeringly massive chorus to it. However the album isn’t very ‘radio
friendly’, all the songs are at least 5 minutes long and the album sits far from
the region known as ‘mainstream’. But if you like distorted guitars and rather
intriguing musical connections seek this CD out. It’s a little bit what A Perfect
Circle would sound like they were from Manchester... and it’s pretty damn
good. 4/5 Neil Boulton
31 October 2005
DEVENDRA BANHART
Cripple Crow
XL Recordings
Most of us will remember Devendra’s
2002 debut album, entitled ‘Oh Me Oh
My The Way The Day Goes By The Sun
Is Setting Dogs Are Dreaming Lovesongs
Of The Christmas Spirit’ especially if you
replace the word ‘most’ with ‘none’.
Despite having a slightly odd name and
three albums under his belt, Devendra
Banhart isn’t particularly well-known
at all. ‘Cripple Crow’ is Banhart’s latest attempt at mainstream success. Re-
corded in Woodstock, NY, it boasts 22 tracks of beautiful, soothing, exotic,
rhythmic, chilled-out music that sounds good anywhere, at any time. I have
to say that this is a truly extraordinary masterpiece. You listen to the first track
and think “Hmmm… folk…” then listen to the next track and think “Hmmm…
bossa nova…”. Track 4 = Jeff Buckley, track 5 = Turin Brakes/Beatles, etc
– you get the gist. This album is a like a small record collection all on one
piece of plastic – the iPod may have some competition… The opening track,
‘Now That I Know’ is a gorgeous guitar and cello combo, reminiscent of Nick
Drake, whilst ‘Some People Ride The Wave’ is Badly Drawn Boy meets Roger
Miller. ‘I Feel Just Like A Child’ is a highlight for me; with a White Stripes-esque
feel and odd lyrics, this is something different yet again. There’s so much
I could say about this album, but even more that I can’t put into words. If
you can get a chance to listen to it, do. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.
4.5/5 Patrick Hunter
THE BLACK VELVETS
The Black Velvets
Mercury
I’ll be entirely honest, when I got this
album I had no idea who The Black
Velvets were, but always keen to hear
new music I sat down to listen to it,
eager to hear something new and
innovative. My hopes were dashed
half way through the first track when
I realised I was listening to a twenty-
first century rip off of what Led Zepp’
were doing thirty years ago. I have no problem with bands taking influences
from greats of the past, but what is basically just a rehash of something that’s
already been done frankly serves no purpose in my life. The innovation and
originality in this album are non existent, however if you look beyond this
there were two tracks which certainly had me tapping my feet, enraged as
I was by this point. Those two tracks are ‘Glamstar’, a brash, pure rock track
comparable heavily to Sabbath, and ‘Once in a while’, which could have
Depeche Mode’s legal team mulling over how much it resembles ‘Personal
Jesus’. However for any great band these should be merely tracks to fill out
an album, not what it is built around. The truth is, the Velvets have nothing
to set them apart from the rest, they have no astounding tunes to separate
them from the wave of boring bands spawned by the success of The
Darkness a couple of years back, like The Ga Gas and Tokyo Dragons. It’s
not as if on this album the Velvets do anything drastically wrong, but there’s
nothing that they do astoundingly well. The Black Velvets claim they want to
be the biggest band in the world. Well I’d say, “Keep dreaming lads”. 2/5
Steve Hume
31 October 2005 MUSIC
LADYTRON
Witching Hour
Island Records
Ladytron get a raw deal in the music
world, it seems inexplicable to me that
a band like Goldfrapp can get into the
nation’s stereos, but the Liverpool four
piece seem destined to forever lurk in
the shadows, worshipped by a small
fan base, but never being given the
chance to appeal to the masses due
to a lack of commercial exposure and
credit. ‘Witching Hour’ is the third offering from Ladytron and, for those with
the patience to find out about them, they never fail to impress. It would
be unfair to write this review without mentioning the German pioneers of
electronica, Kraftwerk. It’s true to say that Kraftwerk invented the genre and
listening to this album, it’s clear how much it has moved on, from the days
of ‘The Man Machine’ and ‘Radio-activity’. Ladytron are very pop orientated
(something Kraftwerk could never have claimed to be), and although this
moves further away from the pop facade which they built up on their last
two albums, ‘Destroy Everything You Touch’ is a perfectly accessible pop
tune and the best thing I’ve heard all year! ‘Sugar’ and ‘International Dateline’
are the other two potential hits; they build up an almost Portishead style
atmosphere, but with hummable melody akin to New Order or Depeche
Mode. The album becomes more electronic and seemingly more spontane-
ous towards the end but this shows another, more Kraftwerk-esque side to
Ladytron and they do it very well. The electronic, futuristic sound is comple-
mented perfectly by the almost eerie sound of the voices of Mira Aroyo and
Helena Marnie. If you like electronica, then you will not find a better modern
day example of it than this album and if Ladytron keep up in this vein they
could be destined to become a national treasure. 4.5/5 Steve Hume
SHOOTING AT UNARMED MEN
Soon There Will Be...
Too Pure
Quite a few people were upset when
quirky guitar-types Mclusky went their
separate ways; Shooting At Unarmed
Men is one of the fragments surfac-
ing to ride again. Some will also be
happy that this fragment doesn’t feel
that far removed from its original whole
- it sounds an awful lot like Mclusky,
at times nigh-on identical. This makes
reviewing it very hard; if they had gone in a different sort of direction to vo-
calist/guitarist Jon Chapple’s former band this would have been no problem.
I’m just sitting here, trying to think of something to say other than “It sounds
like Mclusky”, but I can’t. I’m now on track 6... Still thinking of a description.
It seems to be a bit softer in parts than Mclusky. Maybe they shouldn’t have
given this album to someone who owns Mclusky CDs. Apparently the other
2 from Mclusky are finishing what would be Mclusky’s 4th album, though if
that sounded like Mclusky I wouldn’t be surprised. This album’s quite good.
‘This Much Is A Lot’ has a great quirky guitar intro/rhythm to it (and some
nice yelping), lyrically ‘The Pink Ink’ shows that the lyrical oddities of the past
continue on, “She’s got a little bag that she’s crammed with leg hair”. So
yeah, regular-going-on-snarly vocals nothing overly original musically with all
the bizarre lyrical touches you’d expect. I’m sorry I mentioned Mclusky so
much in this review... I think I’ve been brainwashed, or I was just expecting
something different. Additionally none of the tracks really stand out as being
exemplary (save for ‘Four-Eyed McClayvie’. There’s some proper creativity
going on there). 2/5 Neil Boulton
15
TEST ICICLES
For Screening Purposes Only
Domino
Test Icicles are hard synth-packed rock-
stuff – like the Blood Brothers for NME
readers (and sound a bit like Sex Posi-
tions if you’ve heard of them, though if
that doesn’t help a mix of Death From
Above 1979 and Plot To Blow Up The
Eiffel Tower is a pretty good summa-
tion) - not what you’d expect from
Domino, the label currently bringing
us the hype-adsorbing pair of Artic Monkeys & Franz Ferdinand amongst
others... It’s a bit too, well, metal. It’s great; you get quirky vocals paired up
with screaming, some rather distorted guitar, thumping bass drum and some
nice synthesizer-noises. ‘Circle.Square.Triangle’ is a bit closer to Domino’s
normal leanings only for the next track, ‘Catch It!’ to bring some throat-based
screaming and near-trash guitar into the mix. ‘Sharks’ has a bass line & rhythm
section which any band currently riding this New-wave-thieving rock trend
would be proud to have in its arsenal. Personally I can’t see any glaringly
weak parts about the album, but maybe I’ve fallen a bit to much for it. The
main thing is, if any of the things I’ve said about it aren’t your thing, then you’ll
probably not be as overjoyed by the album as me. In my opinion it’s about
time a band from England sounded like this! 5/5 Neil Boulton
THE PRODIGY
Their Law: The singles 1990-2005
XL Recordings Ltd
Wow, finally a compilation CD that
actually warrants being released! As the
title suggests, The Prodigy have been
in the charts since 1990, making all
manner of innovative dance music. This
album is a worthwhile showcase of all
of their biggest hits, a must for fans as
a handy “I’ll play this in my car, it has all
the songs I like” CD, and for complete
Prodigy virgins as it has all their really good songs on it. It starts off with that
classic,’Firestarter’, (Come on, you all know it, you must remember Keith Flint
gurning like a nutter in the video), then proceeds to fly through their hits
like an album possessed; ‘Breathe’, ‘Out of Space’(My favourite…”boink!”),
‘Smack My Bitch Up’ (Great video, if you haven’t seen it, check it out),
‘Girls’, ‘No Good (Start the Dance)’…..Ok, I probably sound like a complete
obsessive, but I just didn’t realise how many of The Prodigy’s songs I
actually like until I heard this album. Each song has a different flavour, with all
manner of samples, vocals, and beats, and each one makes you wish you
were in a huge club ready to throw some crazy shapes out there. (Such as
Octagons maybe, or perhaps a Trapezium?) . Anyway, go buy this if you’re a
fan of The Prodigy, or just of dance music in general, it’s great.
4/5 Beth Heale
Download of the Week:
Rammstein – Rensort
http://www.rammstein.com
Emphatic German rockers Rammstein return with their new album
‘Rensort’ – you can listen to 6 samples from this album which
shows that they are still as scary and German as ever. Yes I know
this isn’t actually a download, but it’s still worth a listen.
Ollie Ghaney
16 FILM/DVD 31 October 2005
The Film Section part of the much larger Art Section grouping Corpse Bride
reviews films, DVD and other similar veined visual media currently Director: Tim Burton & Mike Johnson
Starrring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham
out and about the place.
Carter, Emily Watson, Tracy Ullman, Paul
Whitehouse, Joanna Lumley, Albert
Epitaph Tour Finney, Richard E. Grant, Christopher Lee,
MATCHBOOK ROMANCE / MOTION CITY ahh the list is endless!
SOUNDTRACK / FROM FIRST TO LAST /
SCATTER THE ASHES I had been waiting for this film for
months and months, and after what
This DVD chronicles one stop of the was a mightily disturbing first offering
Epitaph tour interspersing live footage of from Tim Burton this year in the form of
the four bands with interviews/biography ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’, I was
pieces about them all (Epitaph are a looking forward to delving back into his
record label by the way). All 4 bands wonderfully dark imagery and fantastic
are of the current wave of emo-rock animation. Johnny Depp voices the
sweeping the US and parts of the UK; timid Victor Van Dort who is about to be
Scatter The Ashes take an arty approach married to Victoria Everglot (Emily Watson), whom he falls in love with on
to it, while From First To Last add a sort first meeting. After a rocky wedding rehearsal, he goes into the woods to
of hardcore/metalcore element to it, practise his vows and accidentally says them to what he thinks is a stick, but
Motion City Soundtrack add keyboards is really a dead woman, hence the ‘Corpse Bride’ bit. Obviously he’s less
and some almost pops sensibilities to than thrilled, and it all goes on from there. ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’
it and Matchbook Romance leave the formula pretty much as-is. I think the was the benchmark here, being of a similar genre for kids and adults (but
interview/backstage portions should play 2nd fiddle to the actual concert mainly adults). Unfortunately for most, it just doesn’t have the same pizzazz
footage but on this DVD they don’t; instead they’re mixed in between the that Nightmare did, and has a rather sudden ending. But, though it might not
selection of songs from each band’s set. From First To Last’s had the worst have the best plotline in the entire world, everything about the film including
interview sections; we got to see them go shopping, buy some rather the all-star cast, the imagery, the music, to the incredible, painstaking
unusual trousers and find out how terribly young they are. Motion City animation (they even animated the characters playing the piano properly!
Soundtrack stand out from the others as having the most accessibility. The Alas, there were a few errors! Sorry I’ll stop being a Music geek now) all
live footage of the show itself seemed rather clean and purposeful (only come together to create a wonderfully dark, Tim Burtonian world yet again.
a negative if you’re one for ‘gritty realism’) with all 4 bands together (with I loved it, and if you like the gentle darkness that is his films, you will definitely
interviews) coming to 90 minutes of TV, but there’s other footage such as like this. 4/5 Nicole Heel
promos and assorted live clips also on the DVD. The downside is it feels
as though not enough time is spent on each band’s material. Instead it feels DOMINO
like we’re just treated to rather bland getting-to-know you style TV interview Director: Tony Scott
fodder. On the whole if you’re not a fan of the bands, or the genre itself the Starring: Keira Knightley, Mickey Rourke,
DVD doesn’t have much to offer you, but if you’re down with the scene, as Edgar Ramirez, Christopher Walken, Lucy
it were, you should find some of it interesting. 2/5 Neil Boulton Liu

THE PHENOMENAUTS This film neither blew me away nor had

Beyond Warped – Live me wondering why I had just spent
Springman / Pinnacle Vision £4.20 to see it. Domino is loosely….
very loosely based on the true story
This ‘Beyond Warped’ idea’s pretty of Domino Harvey (played by Keira
good. On the CD one side has the Knightley), model daughter of actor
band’s live set from the warped tour Laurence Harvey, turned bounty hunter.
and on the other side is a DVD video of After getting expelled from college
the set. It even has the tracks ready en- as a result of some less-than-lady-like
coded in MP3 format (Well, I say MP3, it behaviour – breaking another girl’s nose
was AAC & WMA) for putting on your – she dabbles with the cat walk until
MP3 player. Hello digital age! Anyway, leaving to join her new family, bounty-
onto the Phenomenauts – basically hunting team Ed (Mickey Rourke) and
the band sound like Devo crossbred with a pack of cowboys... A sound I Choco (Edgar Ramirez). The plot line jumps about, helping to unravel the
thoroughly approve of. All their songs are about space travel and such inter- twists in the story where there are a few unfortunate misunderstandings
galactic musings with such lyrical flares as “This world is bringin’ me down! plunging them into trouble with the mob. It’s not too long before the bounty
with it’s Gravity!”... consider it Rocket Roll. I’d have liked the keyboards to hunting team are approached by a TV executive (Christopher Walken) to
have been more prominent in the live mix as I felt the synthesizer sound was star in their own TV reality show with hosts ex-Beverly Hills 90210ers Brian
lacking in a few of the songs. This band benefit from the DVD side as seeing Austin Green and Ian Ziering (playing themselves), who are highly amusing.
them belt out these sci-fi-space-rock songs makes a lot more sense when Surprisingly, Keira Knightley wasn‘t too bad as Domino. She definitely had the
you can see them doing it. There are some extra videos (not of their Warped look for it, and if you ignore her annoyingly posh and slightly miscast accent
tour set) on the DVD, their DIY-style fitting in with their love of 50’s Sci-fi she just about manages to pull off being hard enough to be a bounty hunter.
nostalgia. It would have been nice if the set was longer (it’s only 6 songs So if you enjoy guns, gangs, occasional violence, sex and girls who can kick
long) and the fact there’s a visible cut between each song jars it slightly. The ass, Tony Scott’s Domino is the film for you. 3/5 Vanessa Favali
Phenomanauts are fun if you like hoe-downs & space exploration and the
idea of the set is sterling, I guess I just wanted more. 3/5 Neil Boulton
31 October 2005 THEATRE/ARTS 17
LES MISERABLES
Queen’s Theatre
15th October 2005 ARTS EVENTS 31ST OCTOBER – 13TH NOVEMBER
Yes, I know this has been running since 1985
and you’ve probably all seen it but I thought
Hmmm…. not much going on this week!
it perhaps needed an up-to-date review, and
also we didn’t have anything else for the Theatre Wednesday lunchtime concerts:
section this week. November 2nd & 9th, 1.10pm in PATS
A week after Les Miserables was 20 years old I
went to see this must-see musical, having never
Student Composers Concert:
ever viewed it. It’s one of those musicals you November 2nd, 7.30pm in PATS.
always sang songs from in school choirs but
never actually saw it unless your parents/school For more information on Arts Events at the uni and in
felt like taking you to see it. Finally my parents Guildford go to: http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/artsoffice
did feel like taking me to see it, and what a
time it was! For those of you who don’t like
musicals, I can understand why. All those Nicole Heel
Oklahoma-esque hoedowns get to me too. But
this is more than just a musical; it’s the study of
how futile life can be, of love, of sorrow. It’s

Ooooo... A Concert Review!

the heart-wrenching tale of a man, never quite
at one with life because of his past, and this is brought to the audience through Michel
Schönberg’s beautiful, evocative music and lyrics by Alain Boublil. I didn’t stop crying the
entire time. The amazing thing is, this musical was originally staged in Paris in French in 1980,
and then translated to English in 1985, yet the famous lyrics known today are seamless
and fit to a tee. John Owen-Jones was wonderful as Jean Valjean. His tenor voice wasn’t
showy or slimy, and the grief Valjean felt was always present in his tone; the famous number,
‘Bring Him Home’ was one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. There were also
some brilliant performances from Cornell John as Javert and Shonagh Daly as Eponine. If
you have never seen this before I urge you to go see it now. It is perhaps one of the
masterpieces of the 20th century. 5/5 Nicole Heel
Sam Carney shares with us his experience of The Coral at Brixton
Academy.
THE CORAL
Brixton Academy
Thursday 20th October
I was excited at the prospect of seeing The Coral again after seeing them play an awesome
set at this year’s Reading Festival. I got to Brixton Academy for around 7pm, when the doors
opened, and was a little taken back by there being no queue, seeing as The Coral are pretty
well known now, having been around a few years and having now released their fourth album
‘Invisible Invasion’. Although, I was glad to get inside because it was pissing it down outside!
The support band, Shack were alright. They had a sort of Coral/Zutons vibe, but with a soulful
female vocalist, which didn’t seem to work out all that well. Then we were treated to an
unannounced support band, whose name I couldn’t make out due to their heavy Scouse
accents. That said, they weren’t half bad, sort of a cross between David Gray and the Beatles,
with Mark Knopfler- (Dire Straits) sounding bluesy guitar solos. The Coral hit the stage at half
nine, the venue packed by now, maybe missing support bands is the new Indie fashion?
They played a great, well executed set of songs from their debut, ‘The Coral’ right through to
their latest offering. The set included current Coral classics, ‘Pass It On’ and ‘In the Morning’. I
recommend any Coral fans to go and see them live, it’s well worth the money. For those who
know little about The Coral, I would describe them as an Indie band where the words “try
and be more experimental” is their motto rather than record label advice.

Fancy reviewing CDs, films, gigs, literature, etc. for barefacts?

Get in touch with the Arts section Editors: bf.arts@gmail.com

PERSONALS - In-jokes, get your in-jokes
here! Get ‘em while they’re irrelevant!
Email personals to barefacts@ussu.co.uk
I bought this car to drive to work, I go to work to
pay for this car...
Tally ho! BARF! BARF!
Everybody loves Raymond!!
Ooooh! I think I’ve got Goosebumps!
I did it for the first time on Friday. It was amazing!
Who’d have thought it... Rachel Stevens on a
gay night!
Who is sexier? Richard or Kate?
Welcome to the friary house mayhem, Nicoli!
Laura, your faithful following of men have missed
you terribly. When will you let us see you again,
so we can ‘hang’ out?
Who stole my milk?
Why are there goat droppings in my bed?
Why does your bottom taste of parsnips?
the ‘end of the day show’ monday to friday
5.00pm till 7.00pm on 1350am GU2. win a meal
for 2 at farrenheit 55!
listen online: www.gu2.co.uk
the dark lord will rise again
Wonted for stoodent noospapa: Sum won hoo
can ackshually spell and rite grammatickally
correkt.
hot n’ horny and ready to roll. H Reg ford fiesta.
broken fan, custom horn and loose suspension.
been around the block a few times. previously
used to ferry students, so everyone’s had a ride.
call (insert random number here, but not mine!!!)
and i’ll quote you a price.
I slept with Tom Wood, but he didnt follow
through this time......
Dom, I’m sick of you texting me telling me you
want my bum. Just come out, or keep quiet!
I’ve got skills, but you still ignore them! Take that
Mark.
There was a young girl from Eeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
She fell on her back
And opened her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling
Any personals? barefacts@ussu.co.uk
18 FASHION 31 October 2005

Fashion Rocks
The fashion gurus of barefacts give us a glimpse of the very fabulous “Fashion Rocks”. Mariah Carey, Victoria
Beckham... what more could you want? Enough delightful frocks to make even Kemal scream in delight.

Swarovski’s ‘Fashion Rocks’ came The collections were lavished with

out of the oven baking hot, made vibrant colours, loose materials,
with ingredients of internationally bold patterns and classically
known superstars, models and sophisticated designs; models
designers, decorated not with icing, looked elegant, luscious and
but with five tonnes of Swarovski totally hot and sexy. Oozing the
crystals lining the catwalk! ‘OH MY GOD!!! factor’, designs
were nothing short of spectacular.
This gathering of celebrities and
established designers was all in Clothes were cut in less than
aid of supporting Prince Charles’ obvious ways, off the shoulder,
Charity, The Prince’s Trust. The with deep V’s slit down to the
event was hosted by Jeremy Irons navel. A more classic design was
and Jerry Hall, whose costume the backless dress, beautiful and
changes totalled an amazing exquisite revealing just that little
thirteen! Proving she is still a force bit of flesh, showing that a little
to be reckoned with at the age bit of back is more effective than
of 54, compared to all the young a double DD cleavage any day!
models that graced the stage that (Take note Jodie Marsh!)
night.
“Go on... put one in my hand...”
Some of the A-listers present at the
event included Victoria Beckham, Blondie, Usher and Amerie to name but However, it has to be said that the catwalk was overrun by those dangerously
a few. Models negotiated the runway wearing designer pieces, strutting to stick-thin models, which unquestionably lacked shape and desirability. What
the sounds of each renowned designers chosen artist. Pairs included Versace can we say, we think us laydeez look better with curves!!
and Mariah, Amerie and Georgio Armani, Lee Ryan and D&G, Alexander
McQueen and Skin as well as Calvin Klein and Craig David. It was under no Overall, the event was imaginative, nothing short of amazing, with designers
dispute however, that Mariah Carey and Donatella Versace stole the show. and musicians
Mariah sang her hit ‘We Belong Together’, a perfect choice, as on the night coming together
the pair really did! An unreal and stunning collection from Donatella was purely to support
undoubtedly the dogs the Prince’s Trust
bol**cks!! making it a ‘right
royal knees-up’!!
The main theme of
the night seemed to be ‘The event aimed
ball gowns, black or to raise vital funds
white; with feathers and for youth charity
frosting running through The Prince’s Trust,
the various collections. which helps100
However Viktor & more young
Rolf’s ensemble of people every day
‘pillow head-dresses turn their lives
and duvet gowns’ had to around. Fore more
be the most ridiculous information visit
and bizarro creation www.princes-trust.
of the night. Roberto org.uk or call 0800
Cavalli’s show on the 842 842.’
other hand was unique
and interesting; his Pictures courtesy
models posed against a of ‘The Prince’s
piano and in two giant Trust via Getty
photo frames at the front Images’.
of the stage.

“What? Sing?! Don’t be stupid!”

31 October 2005 PG TIPS 19

PG Tips barefacts very own postgraduate-centric area... full of things to do with postgraduates.
I think that’s all the explanation that’s needed. Pages collated by: Lisa Ahmed

T H E N AT I O N A L P O S T G R A D U AT E C O M M I T T E E
In the past ten years, postgraduate education in the UK has become a major international
market with over 400,000 students. Although the postgraduate community may have
increased in size, support structures, representation and identity for postgraduates has not
grown at the same time. Therefore, the National Postgraduate Committee (NPC) constituted
in 1992 set about to tackle the many issues on board that have since come about. We are the
only organisation in the UK run by postgraduates in the interests of postgraduates including
both taught and research.
Mission Statement
Our mission is to advance, in the public interest, the education of postgraduate students
within the United Kingdom. We shall achieve this by democratically representing
postgraduates, contributing to discussions, supporting postgraduate representatives and
facilitating communication between stakeholders.
Our vision is a postgraduate education system where:
• Applicants are assessed by their ability to learn not their ability to pay;
• Learning and research takes place in an environment which promotes and sustains
equality of opportunity; and
• Adequate financial, intellectual, pastoral and social support mechanisms are provided.
Realising this vision would enable the individual student to maximise their own potential to
the benefit of themselves, academic knowledge, the economy and society as a whole.
About NPC:
Although being in existence over ten years, the NPC became a registered charity following
the approval of the new constitution at the 2002 annual conference. This will be of great
benefit since financial support to the NPC will go further towards directly supporting
postgraduates. There are two main sources of funding for NPC being affiliations from
student representative bodies and individual donations. The committee itself is made up of
delegates from affiliated institutions and recognised bodies who will approve the decisions
and policies of NPC that are implemented by the Management Sub Committee (MSC),
which is otherwise known as the executive. The NPC is an independent body that is not
politically aligned.
NPC has been in close communication with education funding bodies and the government
on pertinent issues concerning postgraduate education. Such bodies
include the funding councils, research councils, QAA, UUK, SCoP
amongst others. A great deal is also communicated to postgraduates via our online resources
and also our services in the restricted web area open to affiliates. A range of information is
available for prospective postgraduates through to The Journal of Graduate Education, which
is owned by the NPC.
A number of bodies are associated with the NPC to work together on postgraduate issues
where there is common interest, most notably the UK Council for Graduate Education
(UKCGE). NPC also has three recognised bodies at present being the National Union of
Students (NUS), the Mature Students’ Union (MSU), the Council for International Students
(CIS) and the Coalition for Higher Education Students in Scotland (CHESS). These four
bodies are entitled to send one delegate member to vote and also submit motions that
have mutual interest. The arrangement is normally reciprocal so NPC can also send a
representative to those organisations.
NPC Activities:
The majority of NPC’s work is conducted by the General Secretary who is employed full
time. This involves being a contact point for NPC, dealing with administration and assisting
the rest of the executive in compiling publications, seeking information and attending
events that are of interest to postgraduates. The executive includes a chair, treasurer, equal
opportunities officer and four project officers who take on specific projects pertinent to
current postgraduate issues. There are also sub committees operating within Scotland
and Wales each with respective a respective chair that reports to the executive. As well
as campaigning for postgraduate interests nationally, the NPC offers support to student
representative bodies regarding postgraduates where appropriate. Such support includes
advice on postgraduate complaints and appeals, postgraduate representation and a national
level interactive forum.
Further Information:
Further information can be obtained from the General Secretary on npc@npc.org.uk. Also
on the website it is possible to sign up to the NPC’s mailing lists. Up to date information
is delivered through the NPC, NPC Wales and NPC Scotland lists by occasional emails.
Further to this, there is a Postgrad mailing list available for postgraduate related discussions.

PGA Quiz Results

20-October-05
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the second PGA Pub Quiz and Curry of October took place just the
other day, and yet again, it was quite an adventure. Lead by the Unparalleled Sages of Academia,
with inputs from the Union and our sexy French barmaid, players battled for the genius title in
areas such as Geography, Nutrition, and Animals. But, like in all great battles for knowledge and
independence, there can be only one clear winner… and this week, the crown goes to Everybody
Wants Bex, who’s team somehow managed the highest score in the Nutrition round with 4 out of
10! Imagine that! Their 38 points allowed them to split 3 bottles of Champaign (or maybe it was
sparkling wine…). Then, in a very close second with 37 points, A Bird in the Hand is Better than
One Overhead received their quiz payment back. And, receiving a hearty round of applause, Jean
Genies took third with 32 points. If only Steve wasn’t so late, maybe Steve is Late would have been
able to make up that single point to bring them in for the third place tie… but alas, not so much….
Thanks to all the teams for playing! Fun, as always, was had by all.

Next Quiz – 17-November-05

Following our 3rd Thursday of the month PGA Quiz Tradition, our next quiz will be on the 17th
of November, starting at 7:30pm in Wates House. This time, we’ve got 4 weeks off between quizzes
(yes, I know, what ever will we all do with our Thursday nights now??) so that gives you plenty of
time to sort out your teams for the next big event. Don’t forget to mark your calendars! It only costs
a £1 per person and a heaping plate of curry is only a £1.50 more! Hope to see you there! For more
information, details, and whatnot, check out www.pgasurrey.co.uk.

So You Wanna Be A Quizmaster??

Do you think you have what it takes to be a quizmaster? Or would you rather just put together a
round or two and let someone else stand up with the microphone and make a fool out of himself?
Well, look no further… here’s your chance! Just drop a note to sucheta.ahmed@surrey.ac.uk and
let Lisa know that you’re interested in giving it a go (not affiliated with USSU’s Give it a Go
programme).
20 COMMERCIAL BREAK! 31 October 2005
31 October 2005 SOCIETIES 21
Surrey Dance Squad
“ Hiya! Today I was asked to write a lil blurb for Barefacts highlighting the immense greatness of Surrey
Dance Squad. Unfortunately my talent for writing extends as far as an ‘I woz ere’ on the toilet cubicle wall.
Therefore please bear with me, as I try to publicise one of the best societies Surrey has to offer.
Last year, we performed regularly on the Rubix stage at nights such as School Disco and Fetish. We
represented Surrey Uni at an NUS conference in Liverpool and in the summer we enjoyed an all expenses paid
trip to Newquay where some damage was caused during failed attempts at surfing...We managed to raise loads
of money for charity, including TsunamiAID, Cancer Research UK, Comic Relief and Children in Need. We
participated in two world record attempts, 1 for mass aerobics and 1 for biggest ever pillow fight, ouch! So far
this year you may have seen us at the Flirt Beach Party, Cyclone Dance Night and a Breast Cancer Cake Sale,
but this is only the beginning....
It’s not too late to join!!! We have fun-filled socials alongside trying a different dance style every week.
So far we’ve had workshops in pop, street and hip hop. Wednesday 2nd November we have a professional
Salsa instructor teaching a beginners salsa class. Everyone is welcome, no matter if you have two left feet, a
penchant for Take That (yes they are great!) or love moonwalking in a Michael Jackson stylee. Come along
and join in! We meet every Wednesday 1-2:30pm Rubix Dancefloor. Cu there! The Surrey Dance Squad At Flirt! in Rubix

GU2 Laid Bare

Hopefully you’re aware that Surrey has a Student News-
paper. If you’re not you might want to check what you think
you’re reading! Hopefully by the end of this you’ll also be
aware that Surrey has a student radio station; called GU2,
that can be heard all over campus and over the internet. This
is just a quick guide to who we are, what we’re about, and
how you can get involved.
Who We Are
Firstly GU2 is not just a building, a studio, an antenna.
It’s students. It’s made by students for you, the students of
the university. This means that we are the most relevant ra-
dio station to your life and experiences here at Surrey. When
you think about it, who knows what students like to listen to,
and who is most in touch with the issues effecting students?
Other students! We’re always in touch with what’s going
on, on and around campus, because we’re in the middle of it
ourselves. Whether it’s music, chat, news or comedy, we’ll
keep you entertained 24/7.
‘Your Music. Your Station.’ really does reflect reality at
GU2. We broadcast a wide variety of music, both during the
day and in the evening when we let a wide range of special-
ist DJs loose on the airwaves. Our specialist shows range
from dance, to urban, to Greek, to rock, and many more.
Keep up to date with the latest news and events from around
campus with Barefacts Live. We also have a weekly comedy
sketch show and broadcast business seminars. At GU2 we
really do cater for all.
How To Find Us
‘Now I’ve been told all this, how do I find you?’ I hear
you ask. You can find us on 1350am (its the same as mw on
some radios). We’re also online at www.gu2.co.uk, where
you’ll find a comprensive web-site and the facility to listen
live in glorious stereo. Physically we’re below Battersea
Court reception (below the BIG GU2 banner). So pop down
and catch us making radio (ok, we’ll be watching Neigh-
bours). Or catch us at an outside broadcast, we could turn up
anywhere; Chancellors, Rubix, the Friary, the lake (actually
next to the lake, we haven’t mastered walking on water yet).
Alternatively you could come along to Lecture Theatre G on
Thursdays at 6.15, where we have our weekly meetings.
How To Get Involved
GU2 is run by students, and as such we need fresh blood,
sorry, new members all the time to keep the station running.
When most people think of radio they think of presenters on
air, but at GU2 we offer much more
than that. Ever wanted to control the
music played on the station? Well
you can. Want to keep you fellow
students in the know by writing
and presenting the news? Well you
can. Want to take things apart? Well
you can, as long as they work once
you’ve put them back together again.
Want to promote the station, and
even write this article? Go ahead!
You may never want to speak into
a microphone during your time at
GU2, but your contribution will be
just as valuable (and probably more
intelligable!)
But if you want to be the next
Christain O’Connell, Chris Evans,
Chris Tarrant, or Chris Moyles (must
be some famous radio presenters out
there not called Chris?!), we have
everything you need need to get on air with full training in
the technical, musical and content aspects of being a radio
presenter.
GU2 Events
Since the start of term GU2 has brought you 1Xtra on
GU2, outside broadcasts from Channies and the Fresher’s
Fair. The chance to se Guildford Heat basketball team for
free, free tickets for the cinema, and Flirt and Citrus. We’ve
also given away three meals at Farenheight 55, with many
more to come. To see what’s comming up on GU2 go to
www.gu2.co.uk, or listen every Monday, Wednesday and
Friday at 6pm for Barefacts Live. Keep reading Barefacts
to find out more about ‘Your Music. Your Station GU2’,
including show and presenter profiles and a schedule.
Get involved with GU2. For more information go to
www.gu2.co.uk
PhotoSoc
PhotoSoc is USSU’s Photography Society whose
aim to allow members to develop their interest in
Photography. Our diverse membership includes
students from across the university, from freshers
to postgrads. Unlike some societies, we do not
meet every week so you can be a member
without committing a large amount of time.
Activities last year included:
• Basic Photography Course
• Darkroom Training (Darkroom in union)
• Portrait Session
• Slide Show
• Night Time Photography Walk
Meetings are normally on a Thursday where
we discuss and organise what activities people
would like to do during the semester, the first
one coming soon. Hopefully the AGM will be
next month also.
If anyone would like to be notified of any
meetings or for other information contact Sarah
at cs32sm@surrey.ac.uk or photosoc@surrey.
ac.uk and we will be in contact soon.
Sarah (PhotoSoc Secretary)
22 PUZZLES 31 October 2005
Colin Everett, our very own puzzle-lord has crafted more things for you to do during that boring lecture. You’ll get the answer to the crossword next
week (So you can’t cheat anymore... don’t pretend that you didn’t). The answers, as always, are on page 24 (The back one).
Clues Across: Clues Down:
1) Feast. (4,2) 2) Birthstone associated with October. (4)
5) See 22dn. 3) Frozen precipitate. (9)
9) and 21dn and 8dn. UK-wide body representing 4) Central American country, bordering Costa Rica and
young people whose former presidents include Charles Colombia. (6)
Clarke, Stephen Twigg and Jack Straw. (8,5,2,8) 5) Atlantic Islands, capital Stanley. (8,7)
10) Non-violence. (6) 6) Legible. (8)
11) Occurring at exactly the same time. (12) 7) Human waste expelled through the urethra. (5)
13) Ball-point pen. (4) 8) See 9ac.
14) Bishop caught in broken lens in used evil. (Cryptic) 12) Open up (Especially a market to trading). (10)
(9) 15) Distressing; Tense. (9)
17) Do these dogs store water? (9) 16) Traditional Catholic prayer to the mother of Jesus
18) Timetable for propellor, I hear. (Cryptic) (4) Christ. (3,5)
20) Containers capable of maintaining the temperature 19) Enquiring. (6)
of their contents for long periods of time. (6,6) 21) See 9ac.
23) This officer sounds more effervescent. (Cryptic) (6) 22) and 5ac. Manager of UEFA Champion’s League
24) Cosmetic Accessory used to shape and smooth winners 1999. (4,8)
nails. (8)
25) Large bags filled with small pellets for sitting on.
(8)
26) For example: Andromeda, Large Magellanic Cloud 62 61 72 65 66 61 63 74
and Pegasus Dwarf. (6) 73 20 6C 6F 76 65 73 20
79 6F 75 20 74 6F 6F

THE MODERATELY FREAKIN’ MAZE SU DOKU

Place numbers in the empty boxes so you have numbers 1-9 in each row &
coloum, and 1-9 in each 3x3 square. Duh. Sorry.. ‘Duh’ is a mean thing to say
6E 6F 74 20 61 20 68 69 64 64 65 6E 20 6D 65 73 73 61 67 65

barefacts Lyrics Quiz 6E 6F 74 20 61 20 68 69 64 64 65 6E 20 6D 65 73 73 61 67 65

Due to a sucession of ‘Yay’s into the barefacts e-mail account we can do nothing but oblige and wel-
come back the lyrics quiz permanantely. Here are some lines from some songs, your task is to simply
identify which songs they came from.

1. Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I’d hide
2. And there’s a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold
3. From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
4. Dirty old river, must you keep rolling, flowing into the night
5. Girls run around with no clothes on, to borrow a pound for a condom
6. I met a gin soaked, bar-room queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs
for a ride
7. Two lovers kissing at the scream of midnight, two lovers missing the
tranquility of solitude
8. You know you talk so hip man, you’re twistin’ my melon man
9. Life is white, and I am black. Jesus and his lawyer, are coming back
10. And that sweet city woman, she moves through the light
31 October 2005
You’d have thought we’d lump this with the arts section, but not today! Instead of hearing about what we think of pub-
lished literature, have a gander at our own creative attempts. Compliments/complaints/sonnets to
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
My wife, a horse
My wife, a horse, once said to me,
“I want to go away!
I want to go where I’ll be free!
I can’t – I will not – stay!”
“My dear,” said I, in swift reply,
“I thought you liked our flat.
It’s big and warm and safe and dry.
Why should we leave all that?”
With equine love she neighed, “My sweet,
The flat is nice indeed.
But as a horse I’m incomplete
Until I have been freed.”
“Then we must leave,” I said apace,
“Although it’s with remorse
That I depart our cosy place
To roam as man and horse.”
Women
By Prashant Butani
why describe a woman as soft and tender
why say the she is weak and defend her
the women i have known and continue to love
why call them frail angels sent from heaven above
the women i have known get angry and scream
they hit hard and can rip you at the seam
the can bear the brunt of falling skies
so why say then that the woman always cries
have the life of a loved one suddenly taken away
or an unimaginable adultery that emerges one day
not just survive past this everyday pyre
but kindle the ambition, burns even that fire
why do men feel their work is of more worth
how macho is a man who cant even watch childbirth
the promoters of the proverbial bread winner myth
who cannot even cook gravy to eat the dry bread with
open your eyes to the hands that soothe your soul
try not to believe that you play a greater role
my grand mothers and the way the worked to take care
that never the pinch of everyday chores we ever had to
bear
my mother and the fact that i am a part of her still
lessons taught, wars fought and worry she always will
my sister and the wise cracks we bouce off another
never will she know im proud to be her brother
my friends and their comfort and peace they bring
never fail to make me laugh, or make my heart sing
my love the woman that i want to pamper today
she is my reason to be, and nothing more to say
these women, whom one might think as women just
have roots in compassion and their strength comes from
trust
they have made me who i am and who i one day will be
i live for them for they live for me
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Horoscopes/Literature 23
Literature
The man with no tongue
There was a man who wanted desperately to become a great public speaker.
But he had no tongue. Consequently when he tried to give speeches people
just laughed at him and he felt very sad. Sometimes he also felt angry, and on
one such occasion he vowed that he would not only find a tongue for himself
but would use it to savagely berate those who had mocked him.
It was autumn, so he began his quest by searching amongst the fallen leaves
for a tongue-shaped one. Having found such a leaf he put it in his mouth and,
to test its effectiveness, started chatting to a passer-by. But a gust of wind
blew out the leaf and the passer-by ran off.
He realised that he needed something heavier. He went home, sawed one of
the taps off the kitchen sink, and hammered it into the shape of an enormous
tongue. Then he put it in his mouth and went outside. He walked up to a little
old lady with a handbag and attempted to converse with her. But because his
huge new metal tongue stuck right out the little old lady believed that he was
pulling rude faces at her. She whacked him round the head with her handbag. His tongue plopped out and the lady hurried away.
He decided to make a wooden tongue. He sawed off part of the chair he was sitting on and then fashioned this bit into the right
shape. Having put it in his mouth he picked up the phone and rang his mother to see how well he could now be understood. It
turned out that she could understand him very well. After the phone call he felt really satisfied with himself and thought that he
would have a cigarette as a reward. But when he lit up and commenced puffing, his new tongue caught fire and he had to spit it
out. He stomped on it to extinguish the fire. This did indeed extinguish the fire but it also smashed his tongue to smithereens. He
burst into tears, realising that he needed a less flammable option.
shopping and tested his new organ on unsuspecting female till operators. Most were shocked, though not through a misunder-
standing of his words – he was in fact perfectly eloquent – but through the translucent nature of his organ. Perceiving this, he
went home, took out his tongue, and painted it the appropriate colour. When the paint was dry he placed it back in and, feeling
confi
speech about his struggle to become a great public speaker. He recognised some of those who had previously mocked him and he
upbraided them in no uncertain terms. Crowds flocked to him and were mesmerised by his performance. They hung on his every
word. And so, staring proudly round and about himself, he revelled in the fulfilment of his dream.
What’s your star sign?
Last week you wanted more! However, despite the fact that our predictions actually came
true for some people, we thought we’d allow somebody else to do it this week. Chat up
lines for the desperate... use with caution!
Aries person I’m going to marry. Sagittarius
I’m on fire. Can I run through your Hi, I’m writing a paper on the finer
sprinkler? Leo things in life. Can I interview you?
Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
Taurus Capricorn
Virgo
I just had to come talk with you. Sweet- Have you always been this cute, or did
ness is my weakness. Baby, you must be a broom, ‘cause you you have to work at it?
just swept me off my feet.
Gemini Aquarius
Do you have any overdue library books? Libra You’re hot. You must be the reason for
‘Cause you’ve got the word “fine” writ- If I had a rose for every time I thought of global warming.
you, I’d be walking through my garden
ten all over.
forever. Pisces
Cancer Are you as beautiful on the inside as you
Can I borrow twenty pence? I want to Scorpio are on the outside?
call my mum and tell her I just met the Your place or mine?
24 NOT SPORT 31 October 2005
We’re going to put this bluntly - There’s no sport. Simple as that. So the ‘Sports’ page is now the ‘Not Sports’ page. Would you rather it
wasn’t a ‘Not Sports’ page, send your Surrey Sports team based news to barefacts@ussu.co.uk.
Step One: You walk around Guildford at 3 in the morning
singing “Do you know the way to Amarillo” or some other
noxious pop ditty.

Step Two: Complaints are made about the noise.

Step Three: Rubix gets its license taken away. Yep, that’s
right. No more union run nightclub. Those of you thinking
that this sort of thing couldn’t happen should think again – It’s
just happened to Southampton’s Students’ Union. Due to
noise complaints they’ve had their licence affected. They can
only stay open until 1am & last entry is at 22:30 (i.e. no-one
is allowed in to the building after 22:30) – They’re currently

Real Life SSHH! Horror Stories appealing their case with their local council. So noisy students
could cause our nightclub to cease it’s ability to be a nightclub.
If you were out at Rubix on Friday the 14th of October
you attended the launch night of the Students’ Union’s new
Step Four: No money for sports clubs or societies. For those
SSHH! Campaign. If you’re having trouble remembering that
of you who don’t know the Students’ Union gets a sum of
far into the past it was the Pyjama party night. The SSHH!
money given to it by the University called a subvention. The
Campaign sets out to encourage students to keep the noise
subvention alone isn’t enough for the union to provide all the
down when walking home after a night out in Rubix or the
societies, sports clubs, media and welfare services. Money
town (The campaign has gained the support of Guildford
made at the nightclub goes solely towards students’ union
Borough Council). You may also remember a large number
activities, so all the money you spent on a night out in Rubix
of blue SSHH! Bed Bugs being given out on the night. Happy
will all eventually make it back to you. No Rubix means less
people positioned these little blue fluff-balls on their shoulders,
money... which means no money for fun things like sports
face and various extremities - some even arranged on the
clubs & societies – and no money for important things like
general nipple area (A rather popular option it would seem).
welfare services.
Most people enjoyed the launch though one questioned kept
being uttered by the student mass. “Why should I care about
Step Five: No fun. This is the big picture really... with no
being noisy?” in fact one student went so far as to say that it
night club & activities there’d be very few fun things to do on
was them that walked home at night singing “Do you know
campus. Thus making Surrey a thoroughly boring and desolate
the way to Amarillo” in the small hours. So today we’re going
place to study.
to answer that important question: “Why should I care about
being noisy?”
Summation: You sing on the way home, you might make Surrey
The noise you make on the way home could have disastrous
a boring desolate place to study.
repercussions... a little bit like the old adage that a butterfly
flapping its wings in one country could cause a hurricane
Was that chorus of ‘Amarillo’ worth it?
somewhere else. You flap your mouth on the way home and a
number of the things you enjoy could be destroyed. Those of
Neil Boulton NO SSHH!
you studying maths will know this as chaos theory.
MEANS NO FUN!

Happy Rubix People With SSHH!-o-rabilia!

Notice the lack of noise they’re making...

PUZZLE ANSWERS: READ UNDER ADVISEMENT

Answers to Crossword in Issue 1092: Across: 1. Rupee 4. Want to do more?
Candidate 9. Ill 10. Bra 11. Papered 12. Save 13. Brainstorm 15.
Dirge 16.Nullifier 17. Negotiate 21. Laugh 23. Evangelist 24. Cyst 27. Want to write an article?
Indiana 28. Eke 29. Sod 30. Number Ten 31. Tasty Down: 1. Ruins Just e-mail it to barefacts@ussu.
2. Palaver 3. Elba 4. Chagrin 5. Nuptial 6. Impossible 7. Apriori 8. co.uk
Endomorph 14. Centigrade 15. Dandelion 18. Grandam 19. At least 20.
Eastern 22. Ulysses 25. Today 26. Rest
Want to get more involved than
that?
Weekly meetings at 13:30 in
the Students’ Union Committee
Room. Nothing to do with SSHH! at all - Hi Grandma!

This edition of barefacts was brought to you by the letter ‘D’, the number ‘5’
and a selection of motivated individuals.
The next all highly adsorbant edition of barefacts
will hit the (small) kiosks Monday 14th November. Get those articles/reviews/
obscene phone calls in now!
You could always submit a personal (in-joke) to barefacts@ussu.co.uk