J

k_\ Season
Finale
•SMARTER•SEXIER•FREE•
ALL
N E W
T
!GOSSIP
MORE HO CE VI
GREAT LADLIFE SP O I L E R S !
REA

MTV LIVE
TRASHED
BY FANS!
TV Viewers
Want Brass
To Pull Plug
BRAD LAMB IS NEW HOOK UP
OVER EXPOSED HOT SPOTS
w w w.t h e s p e c i a l . c a FREE MOVIE GIFT BAG INSIDE
 F O R S C OO PS
# 1
THE SPECIAL

F I G H T L E A G U E
P I LLOW U N D E R T H R E AT S
S M O TRE
H D
E
H T E R S
PILLOW CASE AND POINT:

P F I G
PFL founder and com-

R T O
FORME ALLEGATIONS
missioner Stacey P. Case
(right) doesn’t seem ruf-
fled by the growing alle-
gations against his pillow

M E
fight league. He tells the

W E S O
Special the league is grow-

A
ing and trying to better it-
self each day.

T
he Canadian based Pillow Fight League (PFL) is
coming under harsh criticism from some of its
former fighters. And their claims may put the fu-
ture of the league in serious jeopardy.
Among the growing allegations against the
league include; that the girls are being underpaid, overworked,
treated poorly and that the fights were rigged.
“I joined for fun, exercise and the hope that together we could
all make the league into something better,” says one fighter who
wishes to be referred to as Gerda*.
The numerous accusations that have been made to the Special,
by former fighters, paint a nightmarish picture of the organisa-
tion that was dreamed up by musician and designer Stacey P.
Case.
Case launched the league in early 2006 after watching pillow
fights a few years earlier, but according to Gerda, Case has since
turned the popular pastime into a high rolling slam down.
Although Case vehemently denies these allegations to the Spe-
cial, he does, however, say that the league is small and growing
with 25 members that choose to be part of it and believe in it, “All
that I expect from the girls are a good attitude,” he tells the Special
from his studio in downtown Toronto.
For Gerda and former fighter Donna-Jean*, they feel as though
the problem with the PFL is that Case has lost touch with what
the organisation was supposed to be about, “I was a big support-
er of Case,” admits Gerda. “But as soon as the league started to
become popular his greed began to take over.”
Gerda, who fought under Case’s watchful eye from March to
November last year, exemplifies this by saying that the girls got
little in return for their blood, sweat and tears.
Their adamant confessions to the Special are not an attempt at
tattle-telling, but a small voice wanting to fix the league and the
direction in which they fear it is going.
But it doesn’t seem that Case is too interested in listening to the
former fighters allegations, “Nothing the league or I did caused
these girls to leave. If they couldn’t get along with others that’s
their fault.”
He goes on to explain that each girl gets a cut of ticket sales
and that they are no longer paid per fight, “Tickets are $10 per
show featuring as many as 20 fighters,” states Case. ”If they just
want their money that’s not how we work. The PFL is built on the
model of fairness.”
Both Gerda and Donna-Jean believe that Case’s interest in mak-
ing profits, put their safety in jeopardy, “We had to fight in venues
that had inadequate change rooms and some without air condi-
tioning during last summer’s deadly heat wave. Some of the ‘are-
nas’ we fought in were just taped off sections of a dive bar with
no change room and no toilet paper in the washroom,” reveals
Donna-Jean.
The girls also tell the Special that there was no insurance for
fighting and if they were injured there would be no compensa-
 THE SECRET

S
BEHIND
THE SECRET
The best selling self-
help book The Secret
them to reach a higher
level of true spiritual-
has entranced millions ity,” says Reed. “It makes
of readers around the no attempt to help them
world. But critics of the develop into fully ethical
book slam it as a mar- and moral individuals.”
keting scam, based on But creator Byrne, a for-
schoolyard philosophies mer reality-TV producer
stolen from old world in her native Australia,
“If These Girls Get Hurt, religions. The promises
of The Secret are end-
disagrees that positive
thinking is a fragile foun-

They’re Just Going to the Hospital” less: make millions, lose

weight, even fall in love.
And according to its au-
dation on which to build
a religion, “I wanted to
share this gift with every
- PFL COMMISSIONER STACEY P. CASE thor Rhonda Byrne, noth- person. It’s up to them to
ing is impossible with her choose to believe.”
new discovery. The success of The Secret
tion for their losses. the show,” adds a clearly upset Donna-Jean. “We were con- “It’s not new,” laments has as much to do with
“Right now we’re doing everything that we can to use stantly told we were replaceable. If we missed one of the 2 Professor of Theology, marketing as it does the
protective equipment and make sure that all our fighters to 4 hour training sessions we would also be let go.” David Reed from the Uni- audience it’s aimed at,
sign the PFL Constitution that prohibits harmful behavior. The Special has also learned that other pillow fighters versity of Toronto. “Peo- say marketing experts.
In Canada the venue covers any liability for injuries. There share the sentiments of Gerda and Donna-Jean but are too ple don’t have a very long “Its’ readers profess the
has never been one single serious injury,” boasts Case. “And afraid to ruffle the cozy bed sheets of the league. memory when it comes to attitude that they don’t
besides if you get hurt in this country we have a free hos- In fact, these former brawlers have confided confiden- one religion adopting the need some preacher
pital system. If these girls get hurt, they’re just going to the tially to the Special that the PFL is in hot water with US cus- tenants of another.” telling them how to live
hospital.” toms after sneaking down to New York City for two sold- The Secret is based on their lives,” says mar-
And although Case says that the outcomes are not prede- out shows without work visas.
the laws of attraction: keting consultant Cath-

J
termined and not choreographed, the girls “We just went over the border. My concern
think about it and it will erine Tate. “Now instead
are hard-pressed to buy his claim, “The PFL k_\ is running the league. I leave that up to my
be yours. It first gained of religious institutions
started out all reality but slowly went into manager,” Case goes on to say that the league
staged events with winners being prede- is presently in negotiations with US insurance notoriety on the Inter- you have religious guru’s
termined by management,” states Donna- net and is now hocked selling faith.”
Jean. R.D. Shaw & companies for stateside fights. And their web
site brags of upcoming pillow events in a few by self-appointed gurus Professor Reed echoes
Both ladies are devastated that the hard M.A. Tamburro small towns around America. and lazy talk show hosts. her sentiment, “There
work and passion that they put into the league was for But while Case and the rest of the PFL continue to make We’re looking at you Lar- are no checks and bal-
nothing, “We invented our moves and characters, drove international headlines and drum up copycat leagues ry King! ances, no accountability.
ourselves to the events, made our own costumes and did as far away as Boston, Gerda says the Toronto audience Professor Reed says At least in a traditional
press, but he took all the credit.” is leaving due to the sleazy treatment of girls and poorly that The Secret is just an church there is a historic
And the girls feel as though they’ve been duped by Case staged shows. over-marketed, capitalis- framework for handling
and the PFL, citing that they joined under the pretense that For Case, however, he continues to stick with his PFL tic driven quasi-religion. donations and dealing
the league represented a subversive demonstration of per- mantra and not what former fighters are concerned with, “It’s an ideology that with worthwhile causes.”
formance art. But soon realised that it was just about mak- “All that matters to me is three things: style, stamina, Eye doesn’t understand sac- As Tate puts it, “Her
ing money. of the Tiger.” rifice and views love as positive thinking mes-
“The management was always hinting that girls should But Gerda isn’t buying into it anymore, “It used to be an very superficial.” sage is aimed at lazy peo-
‘fight harder and wear less’. At the same time we were interesting mix of people: hipsters, scenesters, fasiohistas, “It just reenforces what ple who think negatively.
asked to compromise our values. Girls were routinely in- hobo’s. Now it’s creepy old men trying to see naked girls people already believe She’s like Tony Robbins
sulted and demeaned by managers who repeatedly said wrestle.” and doesn’t challenge on Nitol.”
*names changed at request of sources
that they were not pretty enough to move to a TV version of Photography - Brandon Lim
 The Original
Scarborough
‘T’

Order your t-shirt online today www.54eastmagazine.com

Proceeds from each shirt sale will be donated to help Card.ca, a registered charity improving the lives of children and adults with disabilities through therapeutic riding programs.
 THE
WAT C H . . .
S
SUPERFAN
ON ALIYA:
FRIENDLY: Here’s a tip Aliya. When
you’re interviewing someone with
one microphone try to put it under
you while you’re speaking and
them while they’re speaking.
CAPTAIN: And she’s the smart one.
MTV plans to target the 21-32 year old de-
mographic in the next year. And the Special
is the first to give you a sneak peek at the
type of trash that the CTV Family will be
throwing at you. We assembled the Super-
fans, against their wishes, for an exclusive
look at MTV Live.
CAPTAIN CAN-CON: An episode of MTV
Live in one go? With my Tivo’s quality con-
trol filter it nearly didn’t record.
FRIENDLY GIANT: Give it a chance. How
bad could it be?
The Superfans gather around their TV absorb-
ing the swirling and beeping opening graphics.
CAPTAIN: Nice graphics off the top. Too
bad the roads look so American and the
stop lights are so horribly out of date. Did
that thing just transform into the Masonic
Temple?
The graphics dissolve into a Much Music style
studio with a live DJ and an uncomfortable
looking audience of 15-year-olds with the
same expression of someone in a den-
tist’s waiting room.
CAPTAIN: They spared no expense
on randomly decorating the studio
with HD monitors.
CLAMMY: Which is odd because the
station isn’t even broadcast in High-Def.
FRIENDLY: MTV Live is filmed on
the old stage as Open Mike with Mike
Bullard.
CAPTAIN: That could explain the
dead look in the audience’s eyes.
Or it could just be the standard ‘All
hands on deck.’
FRIENDLY: Meaning?
CAPTAIN: Well, 29 interns all college
age, plus the inability of MTV to get
an audience of 12 to fill four nights of
mediocre programming. You do the
math.
CLAMMY:Hello,1-800-I-AM-LAME,
are you calling to give up your free
time? Book early and you can sit far
away from Jessi.
The camera focuses on hosts Jessi
Cruickshank and Daryn Jones on an
extra long couch. They begin inane ban-
ter which carries on through the entire
program.
CAPTAIN: Jessi’s voice is so annoy-
ing. I heard due to the dangerous decibel
levels they had to ban dogs from the stu-
dio.
CLAMMY: Then how did Jessi get in there
in the first place?
FRIENDLY: Hey!
CAPTAIN: Hay is right, Jessi looks more
like a horse.
Jessi and Daryn interrupt their pointless bab-
bling about American shows to intro a seg-
ment by Paul the Intern, a low end version of
Rick the Temp minus the likability.
FRIENDLY: That segment told me nothing
and now he’s in the studio with them sum-
marizing nothing.
CLAMMY: Well, at least MTV didn’t have
to pay the kid.
CAPTAIN: Canadian TV runs on unpaid
interns all vying for the same job.
Jessi and Daryn argue about the amount of
time it takes to finish school.
LIVE!
CAPTAIN: Great Scott, they’re doing a
wacky news segment about a girl in Ger-
many who bit off a guys genitals at a club.
CLAMMY: The way that Jessi described
him was skeezy. How’s she know that
word?
CAPTAIN: Must have been in a memo.
FRIENDLY: Her point was that she
wouldn’t want a skeezy guy rubbing his
genitals into her behind.
CLAMMY: No worries there.
CAPTAIN: All these ‘news’ items are just
stuff stolen from the Wikipedia.
CLAMMY: Don’t worry here comes DVD
reviews stolen from IMDB.
A disjointed and seemingly improvised series
of mini-reviews follow with Jessi continually
trying to take unsuccessful digs at Daryn.
FRIENDLY: Daryn is pretty mean to her.
CLAMMY: Well, she keeps going off topic.
CAPTAIN: You can lead a horse to water...
FRIENDLY: She’s not so bad, but what’s
she wearing. Is it a jockey outfit?
CLAMMY: Very daring. Urban Behaviour’s
Clearance Line, I believe.
CAPTAIN: They just gave the audience
copies of Hilary Duff’s new CD.
CLAMMY: Haven’t they suffered enough?
The hosts suddenly start clapping as the show
goes to break. The audience frantically scan
for the exit door. At this point Captain acci-
dentally switches the channel to an ethnic
AM music station, which all find more en-
tertaining than MTV Live. They reluctantly
turn back to the show with Gilson interview-
ing Carlton students in a poorly executed bit
about college life.
CAPTAIN: That was painful.
CLAMMY: Gilson appeared to be high.
CAPTAIN: To dull the pain. All these seg-
ments leave in bloopers, except they’re
not funny.
FRIENDLY: MTV went to Carlton based
on the Macleans University rankings. Any
show that associates itself with Macleans
just hollas cool.
CLAMMY: Is it true that Jessi went there?
CAPTAIN: Only if they have a horse quota.
FRIENDLY: Oh god, time to rap with the
audience.
CAPTAIN: Some of them are clearly from
SUPER CRITICS: The Superfans
gave MTV Live host, Jessi Cruick-
shank, a horse-whipping over
her on air antics with fellow goof-
ball The Daryn Jones.
the MTV office. They’re too close to the de-
mographic they’re trying to achieve.
FRIENDLY: 21- 32 year olds?
CAPTAIN: No, the living.
FRIENDLY: Why do they keep showing the
call-in number?
CLAMMY: They want someone from out-
side of ‘the pod’ to interact with the show.
CAPTAIN: Much Music has an entire envi-
ronment and all that MTV can muster is a
pod?
FRIENDLY: Gilson said he went to Hum-
ber College for comedy.
CLAMMY: I think his mother is on the
phone asking if the tuition is refundable.
CAPTAIN: The random facts they keep
running along the bottom are actually bet-
ter than the show.
FRIENDLY: Sad. I’ve seen the ratings for
MTV Live and they reach a few thousand
on a good day.
CLAMMY: I saw that the Hills had 10,000
viewers and right after MTV Live had a
measly 1,000.
CAPTAIN: It’s like everyone turns off their
TV when Daryn Jones comes on.
CLAMMY: I just noticed the Casio key-
board elevator music they have playing in
the background. The show is kind of like
riding in an elevator - to nowhere.
Jessi and Daryn now standing on a riser
above the studio surrounded by teenagers -
obviously being forced to stand next to them.
CLAMMY: I think it’s finally over.
CAPTAIN: Is Daryn on every day and they
just rotate the other hosts?
CLAMMY: He’s Host/Story Producer while
the other VJ’s are Host/Researchers. Makes
sense. He’s the only one of the bunch who
seems to know how to host a TV show.
CAPTAIN: I should hope so if you’ve been
on basic cable for ten years.
CLAMMY: Tomorrow Daryn is in Saskatch-
ewan for the Junos. Didn’t that happen two
weeks ago?
CAPTAIN: You can count on MTV to bring
you all of CTV’s recycled footage.
CLAMMY: That and Daryn Jones riding
around on a Zamboni for five minutes.
FRIENDLY: And they call TV a wasteland.
Hopefully, they’ll just pull the plug.

T H
cam
OFF R
E
gord
on’s
RADA
Name: Dini Petty
Profession: TV talk show
host and news broadcaster
Description: Intent gaze,
sensible wardrobe, shiny hair
from generous amounts of
Pears shampoo, friendly...
damn friendly
Last Seen: 2000
LEGACY: One of Canada’s best known news/talk personali-
ties, Dini Petty rewrote the rule book when it came to Cana-
dian talk television. For most pukes, cukes and hipsters, Petty
is best known for one of the following: the Dini Petty Show,
CityPulse News (Everywhere!) or a lively series of TV spots for
Pears’ Shampoo.
Regardless of whether she was interviewing unpublished
authors, reading from a teleprompter or encouraging viewers
to rinse and repeat, Petty brought a certain amount of class
and dignity to homes across Canada. She wasn’t fake. She
wasn’t flamboyant. She was simply a real person that every-
day Canadians could relate to, and for this we welcomed her
into our homes year after year.
Petty started at CityTV in 1970, and after working alongside
such heavyweights as Gord Martineau and Harold Hussein,
she eventually found herself on the CTV network, hosting
her own daytime talk program. Running from 1989 until
2000, the Dini Petty Show stood in stark contrast to the Phil
Donahues and Sally Jesse Raphaëls of the era. In lieu of the
paternity tests and eating disorders that dominated daytime
talk, Petty chose instead to focus on tasteful topics such as
family issues, celebrity interviews and home décor. Petty did
a bit of radio once the CTV gig wrapped up but she’s been
pretty silent in recent years, begging the question: where the
heck did Dini go?
CURRENT WHEREABOUTS: Petty has been anything but
stagnant since she left Canadian television, and with a lega-
cy unknown to most, she has managed to parlay her stories
in a successful career post-CTV. Unknown to the general
populace, Petty is an accomplished skydiver (55 jumps to her
credit), an experienced helicopter pilot (over 5,000 hours air-
borne) and a popular children’s author (Petty’s epic poem, The
Queen, the Bear, and the Bumblebee, was published in 2001).
These experiences and others have served as source material
over
expose
d
H
L
for a pair of one-woman stage shows that Petty has crafted in
recent years: A “Broad” View and Men and Other Furry Crea-
tures.
In reference to her time on stage, Petty told the Special, “The
question is how much does one tell when asked to perform.
There are definitely moments where the audience will laugh,
where they might cry and a few times they might gasp in hor-
ror, because I’ve had a few of those moments as well.”
Most infamously, Petty tells of the time a good-looking stud
muffin pulled a fake gun on her at the CNE, her time flying
the world’s only pink helicopter and various tales from her
four past marriages.
“One critic said that I was like Stewart McLean from The
Vinyl Café, except all of my stories were true,” she says with a
giggle. “I thought that was a really nice compliment because
it really reflected what I’m trying to do here.” EXPOSED: BRAD J. LAMB - Condo Dealer
Off the stage, Petty has also partnered with famous herbalist
Marian Marshal to introduce a new menopausal treatment EXPOSURE: Billboards, Newspapers, Magazines, Benches,
to the Canadian market. NutraFem is an all-natural alterna- Television: Big City Broker, Commercials, Flyers.
tive to the prescription hormone replacement therapy that
many middle-aged ladies engage in, and Petty speaks from EXPLORATION: This wolf in sheep’s clothing is proving that Cana-
experience, as the product literally changed her life. dians will make anyone into a celebrity. Brad has become the go to
“Menopause took me down for the count. I’ve never been in guy for real estate reality shows and news features about the real
estate boom in Canada. He has become such a self-proclaimed
such trouble and I’m a strong, independent woman—it was tycoon that he actually gets his twin brother, the black sheep of the
like PMS that never stopped. A lot of women used to be on dynamic duo, to show up at events that he doesn’t want to be at
hormone replacement therapy until they determined that it - reminding us of a former dictator of an oil rich country. If all real
had killed 250,000 women because of the increased risk of estate developers are movie stars with their faces on billboards
heart attack or stroke. I opted out and NutraFem completely around the city, then Brad J. Lamb is the Ben Affleck of property
saved me. I’ve been working to market the product ever since. development.
When somebody saves your life, you do your best to get the
word out.” EXPLANATION: As the real estate market begins to slow down, ex-
pect that ba ba Brad Lamb’s over exposure will demolish with it.
If you have a suggestion for a future edition of Off The Radar,
please e-mail me at gordoncc134@yahoo.com
Ciros Amazing patio and more than 100 brands of
house of imported bier
select bier from around the world
Lansdowne Ave.
416-533-4914
Come in and have an absinthium evening of sound and eclectic flavors 1316 Bloor St. W
HIGH BROW VS.
LOW BROW
EUGENE AND DANIEL LEVY
KEEPING CAN-CON IN
THE FAMILY!!!
EUGENE LEVY NAME DANIEL LEVY
Underachieving father STATUS Overachieving son

CLAIM TO FAME

Performing in musical
comedy Godspell and the FIRST TASTE OF FAME Rogers Video clerk
early stages of Toronto’s
Second City
“Yes sir, American Band
“HOW ARE YA!” FAMOUS LINE Camp is guaranteed to
be in stock. ”
Splash, Waiting for Guffman,
American Pie, FILMOGRAPHY Does extra work count?
For Your Consideration
McMaster University COMEDY TRAINING Watching the Buzz

FAMOUS CO-STARS

Elder statesman of Stops talking when

REASON TO LIKE
Canadian comedy Laguna beach starts
Elder statesman of Starts talking when
REASON TO DISLIKE
Canadian comedy Laguna beach ends

J
YOUR TURN...Special Readers Speak Out! k_\ The Special is a publication of Midnight Media. For information
Dear The Special: on advertising and subscriptions we can be reached by phone
at 647-668-9443 or by e-mail at editor@thespecial.ca

Just found the article on game shows But it’s great to see someone remem- .BZ

]
7PM

]
/P


(February, 2007), fun...but I’m the guy bered it, come to think of it, “The Mad
FEATURES WRITER STAFF WRITERS
that created “The Mad Dash” (really Dash” was probably A.D. Washboro’s P.J. Tomlinson R.L. Deakos
& truly) and ‘bizarre’ is not the right favourite show back then.... R. Klinger
PROOFREADER
word to describe the most success- Sidney M. Cohen - www.sidneycohen.com PUBLISHER
Midnight Media L. Ciccone CONTRIBUTORS
ful (English) Canadian-created game M. Abbott
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF AD SALES A. Chalmers
show ever. It’s the only game show se- R.D. Shaw W. Schilling B. Lim
R. Pilgrim
ries created in Canada to be produced COLUMNISTS R. Strasfeld
MANAGING EDITOR
abroad. M.A. Tamburro C.J. Byner A.D. Washboro
C. Gordon K. A. Zemnickis
Funny, zany, hugely entertaining, and Dr. Mysterion
pretty good, would be better than ‘bizarre”. P. Roxxhoff PHOTOGRAPHY
I. Stern Pharmakon
Hey, “Twin Peaks” was bizarre, “The Mad
Dash” was kitchy, delightful, silly and oth-
Visit the Special online at www.thespecial.ca
er cool words, but not bizarre. The Special is a member of Magazine’s Canada.
Published in Toronto, Canada. ISSN 1913-1666.
 Season finale time is here girlfriends!
This is when the network daddies dress
up their daughters in their sexy Sun-
CLAMMY J BYNER’S the

Tattler
day best and give viewers cliff hanger
endings more exciting than the spring
line release at Holt Renfrew. But as
fun as finales are, advertisers like the
nets to keep a lid on plot lines so view-
ers won’t touch that dial when a com-
mercial comes on.
Well, Spoiler Alert! I’ve got the leaked
finales from an industry insider whose
name rhymes with Myan Decrest. He

SEASON FINALE
may not be much of a TV host, but he’s
a chirpy little cockatiel with a chubby
bird that likes to peck.
Kisses - Clammy

SPOILERS
24
The final show of 24’s sixth season
opens three hours earlier than usu-
al and consists of an unexplored
time in Special Agent Jack Bower’s
day. Code name: The Wakening:
The riveting first 15 minutes fea-
ture Jack hitting the snooze button
on his clock radio. The following 40
odd minutes consist of Bower brush-

LO
ing his teeth, shaving and taking a
dump. Next season promises to pick
up where the action left off where-
in Bower must defuse a deadly deci-
sion: red tie, blue tie, red tie, blue
Va
tie and eat some Fruit Loops. po
cha
ple
sto
tim
My
it w
fla
fro
two
dis
Tre
JJ
an
THE HOUR bet
GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS finally ter
runs out of rock stars turned humanitar-
ians to ‘chill wid’ and fills the season finale fla
with an hour of jokes. “What do you call a the
room full of my relatives?”
“Stromboloupolli!”

Star Trek: The Final Frontier
This delightful season finale fea-
tures the remaining living mem-
bers of the original Star Trek crew
celebrity roasting the soon to be
launched into space ashes of JAMES
‘SCOTTY” DOOHAN. Spoiler: Spock
leaves the rotisserie on.
Corner Gas
BRENT BUTT goes to the big city to
make his dreams of being a stand-up
comic from a small town who gets his
own show about being a comic from
a small town come true. Unfortu-
nately for Butt everything he’s read
about the big city is true and as soon
as he steps off the bus he is beaten
to death by the first black man he’s
ever seen.
Robson Arms
The entire cast of Corner Gas (sans
dead Brent Butt) show up in the big
city just long enough for cast mem-
bers playing roles on both shows to
explode in a pop of universal paral-
lel paradox. My insiders tell me not
to worry, CTV can find some other
piece of garbage to throw their tax
grant at.
The Smurfs
Gargamel and Azrael finally discover
the secret location of Smurf Village
and promptly engage in mass geno-
cide. Only a guilt plagued Smurfette
is left alive just long enough to see
Smurf Village burned to the ground
and become Gargamel’s concubine.
Hanna Barbara, what the smurf are
you smoking?
ER
The season 13 finale features a pre-
dictable debate over euthanasia.
Here’s hoping GEORGE CLOONEY’S
cameo scene will prompt studio
executives to pull the plug on this
brain dead drama.
The Dead Zone
Rumours persist that this award win-
ning and spooky series is replacing
leading man ANTHONY MICHAEL I long for the golden era when a gal
HALL. If only his brief tenure as the got in a manufactured girl band on
‘funniest SNL cast member’ during the casting couch.
the dark period of 1985-86 had the
same happy ending. Jeopardy
Answer: When pronouncing French
What Not to Wear Canadian words. Question: When is
Join STACY and CLINTON as they ALEX TREBEC’S Canadian preten-
devalue a human beings sense of tiousness most evident?
individuality with the help of our
good friends at Mastercard. Hmmm, Paid Programming
let’s see how single mother of three It’s amazing the incredible new en-
Tinisha can keep up with her $200 tertainment device that is dominat-
dollar blouse dependency for a ‘bet- ing the airwaves after midnight. It’s
ter sense of self’. At least when she commercials in drag – as programs.
shopped at Wal-mart her kids got to
eat. 20/20
The season
Pussy Cat Dolls: comes to an end
The Search for the Next Doll with an exclu-
Casting agents, vocal coaches and sive behind
video directors screen and select the scenes
the girl with the sex appeal, danc- look at Bridge
ing abilities, vocal talents and atti- To Terabithia.
tude to be the next Pussy Cat Doll. Disclosure of
These reality shows are so calculat- information,
ed and artificial! Poor dolls. Oh how 20/20 and ABC’s
 SCOOP
Much on Demand
Join LEAH MILLER and her to-

r
ken sidekick MATT BABEL as they
OF THE
OF THE go six months into the future and
see their new cubicles next to SIR

MONTH
MONTH STEVE ANTHONY. Leah nervously
asks if she’ll have to wear a bikini
for that job. And unedited clips of
Ed the Sock making fun of BRITNEY
SPEARS and PARIS HILTON. Watch
as Ed goes no holds barred on these
starlets using the same material he
used on Shannon Tweed in 1992.

Dancing with the Stars

Disco dancer JOHN TRAVOLTA and
new partner NEAL PATRICK HARRIS
team up for a guest star appearance
on the show shocking middle America
and fulfilling the life long wet dream
of judge BRUNO TONIOLI.

Prison Break
Ignoring criticism that the show
is growing stale, the writers reach
into their back pocket of syndicated
tricks and put the boys back in jail.

LOST
This time the prison is a low securi-
ty institute for ‘criminal’ celebs. The
boys team up with MARTHA STEW-
Vancouver super sex- ART in a last ‘yawn’ race to escape
jail and are swindled by DONALD
pot EVANGELINE LILLY’S TRUMP who, as it turns out doesn’t
character, now com- have a map of the jail under his hair
pletely out of any back after all.
story, for the writers to fill DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
time with, has a flashback. American Idol Fans of the soap opera like antics
My sources indicate that In a surprise outcome SANJAYA of Wisteria Lane are treated to a
it will be a flash back of a wins American Idol and in not such delectable cameo appearance by
flash back of her drinking a surprise twist RANDY continues PATRICK DUFFY.
from a coconut in season to turn into a white woman. SCENE: The former Dallas hunk ex-
two. And despite being its a steamy shower with glistening
beads of water clinging to his manly
distracted by his new Star chest. He steps confidently from the
Trek movie, Lost creator, shower to the surprise of a waiting
JJ ABRAHAMS, devises EVA LONGORIA in a sexy maids out-
another ingenious link fit. She purrs temptingly at the 80’s
icon. Not interested, Duffy dismisses
between all the charac- her last three years as a sexpot-su-
ters and has Hurley in the perstar as all a dream, “Are you the
flash back - trying to eat new gringo maid? Where’s Maria?
the husk. Go get me some fresh towels.”

parent company Walt

Disney Productions is
the owner of the film.
But don’t worry, JOHN
STOSSEL stamps 20/20
with his unique seal of
journalistic excellence.
He won’t stand for cor- WILL THE REAL CONRAD
porate interference in BLACK PLEASE STOP EATING!
the pursuit of journal-
istic truth nor will he CONRAD BLACK is up to his old
stand for Heelys. This tricks in the season finale of this
is what Stossel had to BIKINI OR BUST! IS LEAH MILLER wacky sitcom staring ALBERT
say about them: “Shoes LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB? SCHULTZ as the bankrupt bil-
with wheels for heels? lionaire publisher. Last week
– Give me a break!” we were treated to Part One of
the finale which pitted Connie
According to Jim against TED ROGERS in a media
acquisition/pie eating competi-
BALKI accidentally overhears mobsters planning a surprise hit. As usual, Bal- tion judged by Paris Hilton. Part
ki mixes things up and thinks they’re planning a surprise party for Jennifer. Two finds Connie at odds with
After some cultural confusion and a series of missteps with the Mafioso, cousin stockholders over the fact that
Larry averts disaster by leading the mobsters in a humorous round of happy the average Canadian is even
birthday in Meposian. This gives Balki enough time to lure the hit men into un- more tired of reading about
dercover cop guest star HENRY WINKLER’S cunning trap in the basement of him than Hilton.
the Chicago Chronicle. What? You say it’s the same finale as the Perfect Strang-
ers 1987? Don’t be ridicu-las!
 fashion

media

design

2068 Lawrence Ave. E

647-435-4959

FREE
GIFT BAG
Opens April 20, 2007 enter @
www.thespecial.ca
Rating Subject to Classification
 GHOST OF OLD DUDLEY
R I O N HAUNTS HOMELESS MAN
t a l i s t FROM INSIDE HIS BOX
YS TE the
M
men
In one of the oddest cases of property nice and big and cozy like....” Davis which scared the pennies out of my the alley.
disputes in history, a homeless man stated to the Special. “That was until pockets.” A seance committee was hastily
wants his money back for his card- things started getting weird.” On the purchase of the box our haunt- gathered around a milk crate and the
board box. Late one night Davis heard what he ed hobo continued. “I feel lied and spirit of Old Dudley began to speak
Homeless man Doug Davis claims thought was a raccoon scratching on cheated to, and damn I want my dollar from beyond. It seems he died in the
the box he purchased is haunted! The his box but ended with cans levitat- back” exact spot after a game of cards with
Toronto panhandler had been taking ing across the floor, a fire completely But Randall O’Shea, the box seller another man. After losing his savings
shelter under donated sleeping bags destroying two flaps and the appari- says otherwise. “I took his dollar and of $4.12. I then proceeded to predict
and blankets up until last month. But tion of Old Dudley, a homeless man that was for the transportation of the the exact two hands in the game. Ask-
when the opportunity to purchase a who had died in the same alley over box from Jarvis and Queen to the alley ing for confirmation I got no response.
deluxe Maytag fridge box from anoth- 30 years ago. behind a prominent fish market.” However on listening to the EMF
er homeless man, planning a move to “He clearly stated, this is my box, That’s when I, Mysterion the Mental- recording later I could hear a gravely
Montreal, he couldn’t resist. I’ve been here since ‘53 and whipped ist, took the reigns and investigated voice shout, “Damn you Mysterion you
“It seemed like a big step up for me, an empty sardine tin across the alley, the ghost scare. And through my spirit brought be back from beyond for a
guide Lee-Anne and an EMF card trick.”
reading, I concluded that a My advice to Mr. Davis: Move into an-
spectre was indeed present in other alley!!!

L O F Mysterion’s model mortal Katrina is

O U
a sexy secretary in a downtown of-

G MONTH
H
fice by day (get me that file from the
lower drawer Miss. Randall) but a
wild pin-up model by night. Katrina is

THE
currently working on a dirty zombie
porn for an international comedy fes-
tival, and can be seen in Parkdale’s
own Art Litwells’ Parkdale Pin-Ups,
which kindly provided this picture.
This babe can be caught around town
drinking Martinis and Bloody Cae-
sars (Thanks to me). She likes the
geekier things in life like comics, pro
wrestling and classic Star Wars (Hey,
nerds take a shower you might just
get lucky), & is the girl fight champi-
on of Girl Fight Gallery, currently un-
defeated and looking for opponents.

WHAT A DEAL: Mysterion does his

part to help the homeless by pro-
viding free spirit removal. It ain’t a
turkey dinner, but Mysterion is no
Honest Ed!

PHOTOGRAPHY

647-229-6677
 FUNNYGAL’S
The Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadians
may be out of the playoffs, but that hasn’t stopped
the CBC from locking in a long-term contract
to broadcast NHL games. With a new deal that
will also bring broadcasting online, the CBC and

GUIDE TO
Hockey Night in Canada have always had a match
made in locker room heaven.

1933: Hockey
Night in Canada
makes its debut
on CRBC radio

ROMANCE
with Foster
Hewitt calling the
play by play.

7-Second
1936: CRBC
changes its

Special
name to CBC

1952:Hockey
Night in
Canada makes
its television debut. The broadcast initially
experiments with wiring players for sound
but soon abandons the idea due to the poor
grammar and grunting.

1963: Foster Hewitt retires from television, but

reappears for the 1972 Canada Cup series with
Russia.

1967: The Toronto Maple Leafs begin their quest

to never win the Stanley Cup again and no one
can argue that they’re not doing a fantastic job.

1968: The famous theme song, The Hockey

Theme, is written by Dolores Claman.

1970: Expansion teams like the Los Angeles

Kings set the stage for annoying Ford and
McDonald’s commercials staring Gretzky.

1980: Bob Cole begins

broadcasting Maple
IS THIS THING ON: North Leaf games and
America’s sexiest comic, Nicole adopts the phrases,
“Oh, baby!” and
Arbour, warns to never meet “Scores”.
someone in a bar because your
judgement will probably be 1984: Don Cherry joins
the CBC after coaching
skewed. Beer Goggles! the Boston Bruins.
His long suffering

F J
or North America’s sexiest comic, Nicole k_\ However, Arbour sidekick, an overstarched collar, never forgives
him for selling out and punishes him for the
Arbour, springtime is definitely the right hesitates about other
next 20 years with over the top shirts, ties
time for meeting a mate. And after coming places that might be a and jackets.
home to Toronto from a cross Canada comedy bad place to meet your
road show, she is more than ready to dish to the R.D. Shaw partner, “Don’t meet 1986: Ron McLean, the former referee,
Special on the hottest spots to meet a partner and And it’s a title that Arbour doesn’t seem quick anyone at a high school, joins HNIC alongside Don Cherry during the
get it on for some sizzling summer romance. to give up on. cause that ain’t legal.” Coach’s Corner segment.
“While Toronto is home, Vancouver is defi- When she’s not busy with Much Music’s Video As well she warns
nitely the city of love. I arrived, looked around on Trial or TSN’s Off the Record, she can be found about meeting people 1988: Theme song is updated and has been
and thought, alright who wants to make out,” teaching a monthly strip tease class to girls aged at bars under the logic referred to as Canada’s second national anthem.
the five-foot-nine blond bombshell purrs to the of impaired vision. The show was retitled Molson Hockey Night in
twenty-something to grandmothers. Canada on CBC.
Special. So where does the sexiest comic find her lov- But don’t get too con-
The 24-year-old native of Hamilton, Ontario, ers? Well, whether it’s for friends or something fident about picking up 1998: Players agree to limit the phrases ‘we
got her start in comedy at Humber College, and more, Arbour tells the Special that among her this sultry lady, she loves worked hard,’ ‘he’s a real leader,’ ‘ this is the best
has since gone full steam ahead performing in favourite spots to meet someone are: the library, to use ex’s in her routine. bunch of guys ever,’ and ‘we can win the cup,’
some of Canada’s top comedy clubs and head- public transportation, elevators and even a park, And she warns to see her act when being interviewed on HNIC.
lining a recent tour with Molson Canadian Rock “As long as we’re both there to make fun of jog- before making a move.
Stars. gers.” “Before the show I’ll always 2000: CBC begins After
“People are surprised when they see me on “I don’t understand jogging,” she says. “The have men flirting with me, Hours with hosts Scott
stage and even more surprised when I open my but after they see my act. Oake and Kelly Hrudey.
only time you’ll see me running is if someone is Late night hilarity ensues.
mouth,” claims Arbour. “My comedy is observa- chasing after me.” They have a different ap-
tional humour that I get from daily newspapers Arbour further emphasizes that this spring proach. Except in Saska- 2003: Grapes is put on
and when I’m lucky the Buffalo News.” people should take chances and try meeting toon,” she recalls. “There a seven-second delay
Arbour makes sure her comedy is fresh by writ- partners in places that they otherwise wouldn’t I had more girls hitting for making jokes about
ing new stuff everyday. And although this funny think of. For this avid baseball fan and former on me than guys. It was French Canadians.
gal can be a tad controversial with themes rang- Raptor’s cheerleader, a sporting event might dyke-lious.”
ing from racism to sexism, she tells the Special seem ideal. For more information 2005: Announcer Bob Cole admits that he hasn’t
that it works. When people see her Barbie doll- “People should try the cemetery to mingle with about Nicole and to see watched a game in 15 years.
like figure they never expect the kind of humour grieving people. They’re always easy targets,” her upcoming shows,
2007: The CBC signs a lucrative multi-year
that’s going to come out of her mouth. she says. “Then there’s the free clinic, which is a visit her web page broadcast agreement with the NHL. Critics once
“I was voted North America’s Sexiest Comic great place to trade STD’s. You can collect all of at: www.myspace. again wonder why our taxes are being used for
online. Beating out Sarah Silverman, Lucille Ball them or meet someone with the same disease as com/NicoleArbour. this game.
and Rosie O’Donnell,” she brags to the Special. you and not have to worry about that.” -Tabwire News Services
SECRET SEX CLUB TEACHES
LADS TO GET
LUCKY!!
T
he Special has learned that
a series of underground
‘sex clubs’ that teach men
techniques on bedding the
women of their dreams are
popping up all over Toronto, Montreal
and Vancouver. Dubbed the ‘Seduc-
tion Society’ by its members, the group
holds regular meetings in secret loca-
tions as well as organizes field trips to
E C I A L
SP CRET
P S E
TO
local bars and clubs.
“The purpose of the Seduction Society
is to provide men with the skills they
require to befriend women,” says local
event organizer Tyler Cochrane. “Our
members learn everything from how to
look a girl in the eyes to which restau-
rant in town is the best for a first date.”
Cochrane estimates that the Toronto
Chapter has over 150 members. Every
month the club meets at a different
location and participants are divided
into groups of 8 to 12. Each group is led
by a team facilitator, an expert in the
field of seduction, and for two hours the
participants trade stories of recent con-
quests, challenges, as well as plot out
new strategies.
And what makes these men a cut above
the average urban man is that they are
trained to seduce. The club of-
fers confidence, self-discipline
and perseverance.
“Seduction starts in the eyes,”
claims Steve Ramsey a group fa-
cilitator. “These men are taught
not to be intimidated by women,
but also to respect and please
them the way the average man
can’t.”
Among the requirements to be

J
part of the club are the ability to
speak openly to other club mem-

k_\ BONUS bers about female conquests. As

well, each member is allowed to

LOW COST
choose two women that are off
limits to other members.
“The best thing about the Se-

OFFER duction Society is the practi-

cal component. Seduction is
not something you learn from a
book.”

ONLY
Recently, Ramsey took a chap-
ter to the Dock’s Nightclub in
Toronto to see his students in

SUBSCRIBE NOW action and to provide on-site

training, “The most important

$12
characteristic a man must con-
AND GET A FREE GIFT! vey to a woman is confidence,”
he says. “Someone who is con-
CALL 647-668-9443 fident; listens well, talks little
and is assertive.”
Both Ramsey and Cochrane
show little patience for critics
of the Seduction Society. “Peo-
MAIL TO: 194 SORAUREN AVE. UNIT 3 | TORONTO, ON | M6R 2E9 ple who know nothing about us
call us pimps or man-whores,”
confides Ramsey. “They have no
Yes! Send me 6 jam packed issues of The Special and a FREE gift for just $12. clue what we are doing. I teach
men how to make strong inti-
mate contacts with women. Our
critics think we do this through
Name City lies and deceit, but in fact we
teach men how to respect wom-
Street Prov. Postal Code en both in and out of bed.”
-R.L. Deakos
SCREWED After a string oF bad dates and Face-
book set ups, sara figures that the
best way to hook up is in person.
Hey baby! here’s my
Facebook address. I’ll
post your wall - then
we Can hit the drake.
No thanks!
Facebook is
The drake’s cool! for 12-year-
olds!

Abe! What
Oh! I wish I could are You
stop meeting all doing here?
these hipster duds.
And just score a sara. please give me One
real stud more chance. I promise i
won’t screw up. And i’ll
stop watching sanjaya.

Maybe I could give abe

another chance. I know
he’s a screwball but
there ain’t much else.

in the end sara realises it’s too

hard to meet someone in the big
city. And sometimes it’s just
better to get screwed, than get
stuck with street meat.

RAGS TO RICHE$: HOMELESS CASH

IN WITH NEW BOTTLE RETURNS
E
stablished condo developer Brad J. Lamb
may have some competition on his hands,
and it comes in the name of Bill Sselemohsi.
Once homeless on the streets of Toronto, Ssele-
mohsi has the Ontario Deposit Return Program to
thank for his change in good fortune.
While lying in a sleeping bag in Toronto’s Dun-
das Square, he looked up to see the TV above him.
“There was this commercial playing,” he explains.
“I could read that wine bottles could now be re-
turned for some good hard cash.”
This past February eligible containers could be
returned for ten and twenty cents causing numer-
ous Beer Store locations to see an increase in re-
turns.
“The Beer Store was dealing with 2 billion emp-
ties annually prior to the launch of the Ontario
Deposit Return Program,” explains Sara Taylor of
The Beer Store’s Communications Division. “These
new wine and spirit container returns number a
few hundred million a year.”
Like most of Toronto’s homeless, Bill decided to
collect as many wine bottles and wine in boxes as
he could, with the dream that one day he could
have a proper roof over his head. “On the street,
I’ve seen Toronto go through a lot of changes and
I’ve seen condos appear faster than a homeless
person at a free buffet.”
With a few spots to call his home around town,
Sselemohsi would frequently camp out behind
popular eateries in Toronto’s Entertainment Dis-
trict. Bar owner, Nic Broclay, noticed almost imme-
diately, that his garbage was starting to go missing around.”
at a faster pace. “I’ve worked hard for the money Critics say that people should
to buy all that booze,” says Broclay, “I don’t need be limited to how much they
someone scoopin’ up my deposits.” can return a month. “There is
However, the same rules don’t apply for bar own- currently no limit to how many
ers and their deposits are returned through a dif- containers a person can return
ferent program. on a daily, weekly or monthly
Sselemohsi is now in the process of renovating basis” explains Taylor.
an abandoned building into a new apartment “In the end”, says Ranting.
complex for the city’s emerging nouveau-riche. “The main goal is to help pro-
Sally Ranting, homeless after losing her job with tect the environment. And
Nortel, is grateful, “I’m making $ 1, 500 a week - tax if they’re paving the way for
free. I’ve got no place to keep the change I get paid us homeless folk to become
in - except the bank, ka-ching,” smiles Ranting. real-estate tycoons...that’s an
“When I heard what Bill was doing, I was thrilled. added bonus.”
I now have a spot to put this couch I keep dragging -K.A. Zemnickis

The Special’s Guide to the Stars
Taurus
April 21 - May 21
You have been fighting with friends and yet it is
you who is in the wrong. It is natural to encounter
difference of opinion, but you continue to live by
the words of Machiavelli. It’s time to do like the
rest of us and hit the booze. Pick up a bottle of the
sweet stuff to drown your sorrows. Only when you
wake up with a headache, late for work and cov-
ered in your own puke, will you realize how stupid
these arguments are.
Leo
July 24 - August 23
Leo, you take yourself too seriously. It’s
time to engage in some therapeutic em-
barrassing activities. You are hereby
sentenced to 3 hours of Karaoke with
Asian men you don’t know. You must
sing nothing but Whitney Houston
songs and you must smoke ciga-
rettes on stage at all times.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
Your survival instinct will have you make
extreme but commendable decisions.
Dead end job? Drunk and unemployed
boyfriend? Free loading roommates? GET
RID OF THEM! Right now Scorpio you need
a revolution. Scarlett Johansson is a Scor-
pio. I’d give up my left testicle to be with her.
Scorpio, it’s time to turn your ship around.
Aquarius
March 21 - April 20
Leave your desk job, Aquarius. The square-heads
who surround you at work are parasitically leech-
ing from your special qualities. The only chance
you have at attaining the fame is to use your ec-
centricity. Justin Timberlake is an Aquarius and
he is eccentric. He dances, sings and plays the
piano. What instruments do you play?
H ‘‘I shop at Good for Her
SEX TOYS ADULT DVDS & BOOKS
on Harbord...
...because it’s comfortable for both of us. For me, I like that
the staff have pre-selected the sex toys and videos.’’ –Gill
‘‘I like the knowledgeable staff. I won’t get a sales pitch
and I trust them to be honest and direct.’’ –Juno
Celebrating 10 years on Harbord Street and online.
www.goodforher.com • 175 Harbord St • 416-588-0900
Gemini
May 22 - June 22
The path of Gemini is the middle way and
the irony of Gemini is that few follow their
natural destiny. Jewel and Nicole Kidman
are both Geminis and there is nothing
‘middle way’ about either of them. Jewel
sings extremely boring love songs and
Kidman marries drunks and religious psy-
chos. Look for something modest, Gemini,
as it best suits the mediocrity that is you!
Virgo
August 24 - September 23
Virgos are critical. They are often sought out be-
cause they are trustworthy and because they pro-
vide honest advice. The problem with Virgos is, once
it’s time to get others to listen to your problems ev-
eryone runs for the exits. Keanu Reeves is a Virgo.
Every time he comes out with a new movie people
run for the exits. It’s time Virgo to start letting others
go down on you. No more satisfying others.
Sagittarius
November 23 - December 22
Everyone wants to get in your pants Sagittarius
and you know it. Those sun glasses you wear at the
club hide little, and attract only the biggest studs
in town. It’s time to take it easy. You want REAL re-
spect, but you ain’t willing to put in the work. No
more blond bimbos or black beasts, Sagittarius,
your days of glitterati are over. It is only through
self-pleasure that you will find your true path.
Pisces
February 20 - March 20
Pisces, your greatest strength is your big-
gest weakness. You are sensitive to the
needs of others. When you say it’s time,
people come running. Tops or bottoms,
in the bedroom it’s your choice! Be care-
ful, though… sensitivity is a double edged
sword. Kurt Cobain was a Pisces and he
was so sensitive he blew his head off!
SEXUALITY SEMINARS
Gill & Juno,
together since ‘98
Cancer
June 23 - July 23
Cancer, without you the world
would be doomed. There are
people very close to you who
claim greatness, but beware
they are fakes. Don’t fall for
their sins. Be like Beck. He
is a Cancer and he leads by
example.
Libra
September 24 - October 23
Curiosity is getting you in trouble, Libra. Stop
staying up at night to catch the
sexual echoes of your roommate’s
obnoxiously loud girlfriend. Your
curiosity is getting the better
of you. Stop poking your nose
where it doesn’t belong and you
will turn things around.
Capricorn
December 23 - January 19
Your emotional baggage is keeping those
around you distant. It’s time to get over
that high school sweetheart that dumped
you on Thanksgiving in university. You
need to adopt a new way. Jake Gyllenhaal
is a Capricorn and he is open to new things,
like kissing boys. Start kissing more boys it
will bring you back down to earth.
Aries
March 21 - April 20
It is time to act out your romantic desires. Aries
are adventurous, brave and energetic. Go out
and get ‘em tiger! Women take note: your pushi-
ness, impatience and outspokenness will land
you the catch of the year. Mariah Carey and Posh
Spice are Aries. They both managed to marry up
and with little talent. You can too!
Ask oxxhoff
P o l l y R
WHY DO I ALWAYS
GET PULLED UP
WHEN I GO DOWN
Dear Polly,
I know that baseball season is starting, but
why is it that every time I go down on my girl-
friend she gives me the tap on the shoulder
and pulls me off the pitcher’s mound? Am I
doing something wrong? Most of the time she
says she loves it, but lately I keep getting sent
back to the showers?
Boomer
San Diego
Hi Boomer,
I know what you mean, the mound is where it’s at!
Even when you throw a strike, you learn more about
the other player and yourself. This experience goes
to show how vulnerable we are. Especially when it
comes to our sexuality. It’s amazing how fragile our
sense of ability to love can be.
What to do? Well, you miss the mound by the sounds
of things, she loved it and so do you. To get back in the
game start by telling her how good she feels under
your tongue, how the taste of her body kills you with
lust and how you come back to life again just to taste
it again. Ask her if there’s something different she
would like because you want nothing more than her
body between your lips.
A zillion things could be going on for her. You may
simply be sent to the showers cause you’re missing
the strike zone. It happens, even to the best of us.
Maybe you’re going for the home run too fast. Take
a few more laps around the field, warm up a little
more. Start with her tits, move your hands down her
belly to the small of her back, flip her over and kiss
her there.
Try a few options before going straight to the
mound, feel her out, feel her up and remind her how
much you love to pleasure her with your mouth.
Hi Polly,
I recently heard that my boyfriend was with
someone when we were “on a break”. I’ve tried
to confront him, but he says it ain’t true and
during the break he was nursing his sick
grandmother. Do I just accept that he was free
do to what he wants and trust that he was tell-
ing me the truth?
Kitty
Montreal
“Sick Grandmother, eh?” I guess if you were to screw
around and needed an alibi that’s pretty honorable
and sweet. Notice how my summary of the situation
made you feel? Jealous? Hurt? Angry?
These are emotions that feed gossip mongers every-
where. I encourage you to directly ask your boyfriend
about any sexual partners he may have had while
you were “on a break”. Not because I really feel it’s
your business except for the whole STD or infection
risks that he may not be telling you about. And if you
feel you want to know, could you handle it?
The issues to meditate on here are gossip, safety,
honesty, jealousy and trust.
Questions: e-mail sexypolly@thespecial.ca