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' ThE COVER
Ch.y Chas. photograph.d
by aonni. 5-chiffrnan.
Navy wool iut: GIor9io
Arnioni. Cotton *hrt
Bom. N.w Yori.
Poly.st.r ti.: Lithø Rickia,
Grooming: Kimi M.ssno.
Stylists: Borbora Tfaiik in
NYC (r.prss.nt.4 by
-I-5
L) Olive Hiod) ard
Cathy Conned in L.A
1:11 -- .:
GREAT EXPECTATIONS ........
l

Q
NAKED Cm'
Where Hollywoodstar.cgo top/ay with giazi.
Mayor Koch 'spersonaldominatrix.
A dork is a noodle is a macaroni - py 'sgroiind-breakingforeign-fangiiage experiment.
Plus. hou; Binky Urban managei to stay friend5 with everyone ..............
THE SPY MAP
:.

Abandoned poisons? Misplaced infectious waste? Radioactive goo?

that
Where else but in New York? SYDNEY SCHUSTER tours the cit
never fweep5. Illustrated by NATASHA
LFSSNIK ................
PARTY Poor ...........

NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK

Pneumotube to work. It 'ifaster than the subway, cooler than the subway
and tu;ice as scay as the subway. Illustrated by
HOWARD CHA YKIN ........ lB9
F U I

GUWBLE AND HYPOCHONDRIACAL RICH ...

BRING Us YOUR TIRED, YOUR SICKLY, YOUR
York society. Their diagnoses refer to
Their u;a:ting rooms are filled with the veil-heeled gulls of New
vitamin deficiencies and other supposed ills that only money can cure.
mysterious hidden allergies,
back. CONLIN gives a second opinion on Dr.
Their patients, for sonze reason, keep coming JENNIFER
trendiest nutritionists. Also: EussA
Stuart Berger and Dr. Robert Gil/er, Neu; York 's tu;o screwiest,
SCHAPPELL and RACHEL URQUHARTgO undercoverfor diagnosis
PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE ART
cubism). Some u;orks ofart remind z
I Some people remind us ofart (Sammy DavisJr.
Dianne Brui,). We're not saying it 's a conspiracy. We 're not
ofpeople (Henry Moore 's sculpture
or historically relevant. We 're just
saying it 's coincidence. We 're not even saying it 's aesthetically
saying it 's true. And zve have the pictures to prove it ......................
SQUIRM-O-RAMA: JAMES TOBACK'S GUIDE TO, UH, CASTING ACTRESSES
the hustlingest auteur in Hollywood. Warning: This article is
Real-l:fe pickup linei and movie-casting techniqueifrom how to score with
the easily offended or misguided guys who think they Ilpick up sorne pointers on
q notfor thefainthearted,
chicks. VINCENZA DEMnz
talki with a bakers dozen of Toback 's picks ......
ISN'T IT IRONIC?
and "the little woman
"Iove"Joe Franklin and really gaudy Hawaiian shirts? You say you
So yOU
air quotes with
arejizst lookingfor the quote-unquote
good l:fe7 Can 't get through a conversation without making little look
PAUL RUDNIcK and KURT ANDERSEN take a straight-faced
your fingers? Blame it on the irony Epidemic. LYNN ..............
at the age ofihe perpetual izizirk. Photographs byJ.ivNY

::i LJI%4
w in Review of Reviewers; an overload ofstar power
IGNATZ R&zrx'JzKiwzi rides the cloiheshorses
The Street pooh-poohing the bank-
.. I shorts out CELIA BRADY in The Industry: JAzs GRANTfind5 MA&x and DOUGLAS
Résumés from New Haven; PATRIcIA
ruptcy boom: M. SLOBODK!N updates
MCGRATH tiptoe into the Publishing world; and ELLiS WEINER on How to Be a Grown-up
-ç
\ ,;
with a broken car .....................................
. OUR UN-BRmSH CROSSWORD Puzzu
x-..
By ROY BLOUNTJR ........
o spy (ISSN 08<)0- I 759) is pubtishedmonthly by Spy Publishing Partners, The Puck Budding,
295 Lafayette Street, New Yock, N.Y. 100
2. Submions: Sad
S«onddass postage paid at Nw York, N.Y., and
with SASE w same ad&cs& For advertising sales, cal! 2 I 2-92555O9.
1989 by Spy Pubbshing Partn, LP.
foreign, US$40. Fbrmaster: Please send address changes co
$21.77; Canada, US$30;
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32035-9139. Foc subscripion infoma6on, call: L8OO423.l78O.
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 i
TIME MARCHES ON. AND SO HAM
FISH THE ELDEST, EX-CONGRESS-
MAN AND RIGHT-WING NUT, HAS
finally mellowed toward FDR. I really don't
believe in hate, Fish announced as he turned
-i
loo and Franklin Roosevelt's corpse turned
107. "So now I don't hate Rooseveltbut
frankly, I despise him. Precisely our feelings
these days toward Donald Trump: we don't
hate him, we despise him. It sounds more sophisticated, and
anyway, we're not obsessed with Trump the way we used to be.
We've grown; we've learned. In fact, we are never going to
mention him ever again. ' Instead, let's discuss . . oh, how
.

II about Ed Koch? My image of myself is as a reserved, retiring,

even shy person," he announced to the press just before New
.I.
Year's, as if by saying he isn't a tiresome loudmouth he will cease
to be one. Koch has had a fabulous winterproposing that
Ihomeless people pay rent for their space in city shelters;
having his affirmative-action program revealed as a pa-
tronage scheme; and inspiring every New Yorker over 40
:11
who owns a decent suit to consider running against him in this
year's mayoral election. . ' Whoever does run may benefit from
the anti-Koch advertising being planned by . . . by . by a well-
. .

known billionaire memoirist and skating-rink restorer. The bi!-

lionaire memoirist-restorer says he
may spend $2 million on his negative
campaign against Koch; those who
know the billionaire memoirist-re-
storer expect him to endorse his guy
Andy Stein for mayor. Koch vs.
Stein, Stein vs. Koch . . . no lesser of

u
ne marches on
two evils. As the president of the Utah State Retirement Fund
said (explaining his investment in hostile, insanely leveraged
corporate takeovers), "Things are never quite black or white
anymore. At virtually the same spot where Ronald Reagan
is now spending his days pretending to work (eerie
coincidencesthat's our theme for the 1990s), po-
lice arrested a man with queer, demonological politi-
I4
Jk cal ideas who did not serve two terms in the White
-u House. Nathan Trupp was apprehended, just down
4.'. the street from Universal Studios, after he shot and
killed tWo Universal security guards. He had not
really intended to kill the guards. "I was seeking out
. [Highway to Heaven star and creator) Michael Lan-

MARCH 1989 SPY I I

dcn. proscutos qtotvd him as saying.
a.s aLtcmp(u1$ to kill EH:ghuay t Haiti's
star ¡md rcarir MishcI Landon Trupp
thought L4Íkk)c was ¡1 NUI He evikntiy
(k*Sflt untkrtnd rhar shings arc rwvrr
blick whitc anymurc.
Spcak;n ut rih. smarmy. guoti-Iouking
(ntis whnrn i>chr pupk thisk ¿rc Nuis.
4Imosrprcsident Dan Quityk (whose ía-
thcr md in-Iaw du. rn f,iii. tibrib tu
cr)pto-Nazt puhlkations) remains a na-
tiunal pkaur. As part 1 an ad ho mau-
gtmatmom ekbranon. Swedish consul gen-
cral Ar Thoren a dmpomat. mind you
- t1lt-cI Quiiylc an mnuIt to the rest
çmt the V.OtI(I Just wait a tiarn wond
thcre. Arne. he may he an alarmingly ulm-
qualmfwd Iavahou. but by God. hes our
alarmingly unqualihed layabouc. was1
not as areíuI as I should ha'e Ix-cn, the
consul general said later. ÍcgnIng an
apoIog.
Things really an- never blik or whmn-
¡mmore espvuatly not black: Jcssc Ja&k
son. among others. has deiided chat hcncc-
(orth haek pvti'Ie should be called Mn-
an-Amvricans. hs their d«ision.
certainly. hut we never thought lmflyI-KxIy
wouki takv this scvcnt,vs rcvwal mImmnt so
wrzoush (Memo toJetse matter what
anyl)()dy else tells you. cake mt Irum u
lid) oli o/ie djshths,)
It was during the ñrsi nostalgia craze in
thy seventies, that the death penalty made
Its omehack. Hut what at first seemned
nsaIIv tomnpht&ted and ugly has now
1 In ohe post-seventies pharmaceutical
news. Ontho. the Pill manufacturer, has
awarded its 'sctond annual Twenty-First
Century Woman Award. Among tht
judges were Retty Friedari and Bella
Abuug. The wmnhier of the S 10.000 award.
hosen trum I .0(10 canoIidatc. was a Che-r-
t>kCV Indian named Wilma Mankmlkr
chf Mankslltr. as the Ahaug-Friedan
pnzcwmnnv is allcd ufficialI). Onu again.
It iS entirel) their koision but (or Gods
sake. the se v enties resival was supposed to
bc a
11e- First o)Ifl(fl5 Bank, a rccc ot
((any k-inimiist residue- Irum tw days when
eserything was hl.nk ut white (and that
has survived literally in uit- shadow ut
ut . oI Short- Imngero-d Vu Igarian
. .
I()wVr). is hanging its name after I scars
of existente to th First New Yikk Flank
(or Business Crawen. Itç-mn-chc-gtnv
7øP
)o"
;!
, t-)
a.t
,,
'
Bukky Jr. , among other swells, is on thc
board). would surçl nest-n dream of deny-
ing (hilolrL-n the ri1hr to wear nr things
Vaegcrs rocnt Creo Sooety kncft (on tht
UN tntetnationiil Chiidrens Fmvrgcixy
Fund raised $Sl(l.lX)O. and although a
mil-c- S7-t.000 attuallv -ent to) the tihanity
Yargtr was mffetl at trie publio cnitc,sm
ht- endured. It wnild lw- a shame ho
said. i1 our materialistic soucty robbed
even harity of all it imnplws by an unne-
k-nnng fxtas on the honoin liric.
Nancy Reagan. now liberated is being
canolid about her own unrelenting focus on
rk botom line. ')X'ben a re-portes cold her
that she could get S.?'i.(X)(l for drluverrng a
. few after-dinner platitudes. Nancy go cx-
ured. Trnry-hs-e she purred 1jt
sounds good. ÌÏWfl Nancy was told that
oliver North. tut- To-lion okfrndanr and
national hero. gets $25.000 for his
specehes. Hc dues' the former first lads
tq)llrtl, ttit dollar signs st-rs
nearly visible iii twt eyes Icts make that
IO flor mne).
Id Mers. her husbands 1oya1 and
beloved former pet. gels only 112,5(X)
'er spte h But tut- Ammiitan people the
lirtk people. tht- regular lolk. the imtittms
who untk-rssanj lIlaO wlmi it 01)111(5 tO) '.()fl-
(litt UI intero-sr and influence-peddling.
Zusagt 4?? atrrr quilt W.nk oc ¿01fl1( in)-
jacte they re tr.uy about I-d Met-se. I can
hardly go through an ainport, he says.
sothout people omning up to me and
thanking rTx. . lt mug happen a dozen

fl
.

turned ph)JzcaII3 eompIm(a(ed and za's.
Texas -ai two minutes into exemuting. by
means o( lethal mnet,on. its last pers(rn tor
19S8. a man named Ra!,-mond Landnv (no
reIa,on to Tom). when thy cube fevdrnj
the puee into hu arm sprang a leak. squirt-
ing lethal drug toward thc sIetatos. Lan-
dry gro.omwd death was dde'sI. And it
was allh:ifaa/: Landry was very musen-
lar and had I\ipcyc-type arms. a spokes-
man hw Olio Tex attorney general said.
Whcn thc stuff was towing. mt wouldnt
go) into the veins
Et-rie mnidenoes. nothing s black on
whoc. th ugly turns zany. a kinder arid
gentler Anxiïca: LA s unkic-tilkd ike-
slung Suarc was reently the site oC an
ad ho WCl(OflCthe N mt-tics katival.
Rleshnun a person wearing a red ape
and lcotrd and a glanr. smiling Clorox lus
over his head showed up to cncoun-age
hroiri addits to dip their syringes in
hitach as an anti-AIDS pneeaucion.
I2IflMAACH 1919
pandering tu the Zemtgeis No merely
the sont øf presto-thango flexibility that
makes the American service sector so
dynamic.
The presmdenr of the First Womens
Bank. a woman narne-d Neak Godfrey,
itimped ship early - 'shr had some of ht-r
own Zeirgeist-pandering w attend to.
Godfrey has started the Children's Finan-
coal Network. a tranhiscd service ro (Sift-f
checking accounts. nantial-planning in-
formation and hnance-unienrvd toys to
children as young as five. And in che nick
oftime. tx thy anti-iangibk-asc-t othuals
who run Iljltimnun-s public schools havc
lust imposed a new oint-sa code that prohib-
Its kids from wearing gold ccIry or furs
in school.
Marshall Vegt-í. a soap opera writer
and social dirnber who eum(xted a piulan-
thn py aIkd the ( .rtii S.xicty (William F.
times a wet-k Of course it does; H. Fu.
:/ssthihankj a loi!
Wc can hardly go through an air-
JIQ((fl011 it its I.a Guardia or Logan ut
Natuonul without being re-tflukk-d that
whit 'mas at Christmas a pkasantly shabby
air chunk sers-mec is nnrun by .. by .
by a pnlminrnr blondish couple (a couple
ssiso. h the way. are going to upgrade The
Plais Isorel by building a limousine dis-
parher s kiosk) Thr iisset. the bkind buI-
lionaire said of the shuttic when basteen snil
owned it. ms being totally destructeol. Alas,
things arr never so black ut white anymore.
the asset asnt destructed. and the . the
. . the philanthropist-aviator was permit-
ted by a court ro bus- the airline after all . But
(lit-re was omni- heartening prosct as spnng
ai. uisltiOn season approa hvtl Somcwht-rc
olown the lmne. th Queens-horn builder
Tmr cosvr boy-yathtsmnan-tonspucuous
USUSUmer predicreol. i'm nor going ro hase
anything to) bUy. b
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GIORGIO ARV[AJM
815 Madison Avenue, New ork 436 No. RuIt I )riv. Beverly hills
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 Prom the spy mailroom: Theres some-
thing we'd like to nip in the bud. Two
readers from Loi Angeles have sent us
their wedding announcement. We ap-
preciate the update on "the changes in
two of your subscriben lives," and we
offer our congratula
tions. But let the rec-
; ord show that the
t.. couple did not meet
r
.

in this column or
anywhere else ri Sn
And we feel that publishing their names
would set a very bad precedent In no
time readen would be asking us to send
messages to other readers about how
they enjoy moonlight and lobster and
Mozart diveitimenti but not fotties and
to please enclose a photo.
John Szekely of Upland, California,
has ordered a spy T-shirt (large) and has
written on the bottom of his order form,
"Who is the highest-ranking civil ser-
vont to send you hate mail? That's an
easy one: Senator Alan K. Simpson, in
last November's Letters section. Now
do we win a John Siekely T-shirt?
Bill Pfriender of Spring Lake, New
Jeney, has sent us a poem about sty.
Thanks, Bill. The thing is, on the enve-
lope you directed the poem to 'Letters'
but inside you indicated it wos a sub-
mission, so we dont know whether to
make fun of it here, in this column, or in
the unsolicited-manuscript column that
follows. (Were not being cruelit's sn
policy to make tun of even good poetry,
since we don't publish any poetry at all,
And we can't run it as o letter because
of the "submitted by" part that
doesn't really make it a letter to the
editor,now, does it? Procedurally, sys-
temwise and administratively speaking,
you've got us stymied.)
The November issue arrived with a
bonus for Laura E. Pinto of Windsor,
Ontario: "at least one thousand self-
adhesive address labels bearing the
name 'Catherine Mackay.'" She asks
whether these labels were included in
the plastic wrapper intentionally. Of
count. Don't be alarmed, it's just a sub-
scription giveaway some people got
wv sunglasses, you got a thousand ad-
hesive Catherine Mackay labels.
Actually, Bill, we like the poem.
Carde Johnson of Tuscaloosa, Ala-
bama, spent October 28, 1988, writing

¡6 SPY MARCH 1989

 to SPYFour letters. The breakdown:
(1) Edgar Allan Poe and Elvis Aron Pres-
ley: a comparison; (2) suggestions for
"Separated at Birth?"; (3) "You really
mustn't knock Bono"; (4) partial retrac-
tion of third letter. Slow day in
Tu sca lo osa
Really, Bill, we do. Especially the
"classy as it gets/sassy as it gets"
partthat's us.
Alex Winter of Lewiston, Maine,
caught the Firesign Theatre allusion in
November's Letters section (the bit
about Ignatz Raztwixkiwzki pronounc-
in9 his name "danger") and thanks us
for it. "Where in hell ore those guys?"
he asks. Jack Montgomery of Manda-
rin, Florido, probably doesn't know. He
writes to say that the correct pronunci-
ation is " Ratzky-watzky, " and identifies
Ignoti as "the never-seen serviceman
who impregnated Betty HuttonOUT
OF WEDLOCK!!in that madcap com-
edy of the 1940s, The Miracle of Mor-
gon's Creek."
But you see, Bill, there's really noth-
¡ng we can do about it, and it's probably
just going to fall through the cracks.
Charlotte De Jager, writing in the
third person from Fairfield, Ohio, "de-
nies mayhem in her seemingly innocent
letter" of last year, which was written
on misleading pink-and-blue stationery
and was dealt with here in September.
This time the gloves are off: menacing
lined yellow notepaper.
A couple of follow-ups on s' stories:
First, despite the defeat of the five-
foot-eight-inch presidential candidate
last fall, our thesis that short men are
taking over (June 1987 cover story) con-
tinues to gather evidence, as teensy,
self-employed Henry Kravis and Shear-
son's teensy Peter Cohen (who is "self-
conscious about his five-foot-six
height," according to the Times) are
leading the alchemy-in-reverse trans-
formation of corporate America into a
mountain of leveraged-buyout debt.
Second, an addition to "Will the Real
Man Behind I New York Please Stand
up" (by Ned Zeman, October): ust who
did invent the transistor? (a) Walter
Brattain, John Bardeen and William
Shockley; (b) NASA; (c) the Republican
Party. All seem to have claimed to. sri'
contributor Andy Aaron took a tour of
NASA's Kennedy Space Center at Cape
J Neu' York
DEAR EDITORS clore you get too
smug about your
powers of perception CLogrol!ing in Our
Timefl), remember that Ambrose Bierce
noted in 1883 in Wasp,
Our magazines are the advertising circu-
¡ars ofthe book-publishers who own
them. Their function is to puff the
books which first appeared as serials in
their pages. In their pages their writers
puff' one another. In the Atlantic, for
example, T. B. Aldrich (a nerveless, col-
orless jelly-Fish of literature) will have a
long laudatory ofW. D, Howells.
A few months later W. D. Howells will
have a long laudatory review of Henry
J ames, Jr. Later, Henry James, Jr. will,
come to the fore with a long laudatory
review of T. B. Aldrich, and the circle is
complete. Three dwarfs have cowered
above the heads of their fellow men by
standing on one another's shoulders in
turn.
R. uifichae/ Lieberman
San Franc:s'o, California
DEAR EDITORS was sitting at home,
watching daytime TV,
and on comes Super Password. And out
come the two celebrity contestants: Marcia
Wallace, the from the old Bob
Neuhart Show, and . G. Gordon Liddy!
. .
Of course, Liddv did a fine job, winning a
. tb :i.:i-i -4
round or two by using the word strap as a
clue for jock and guessing prison as the
answer to the clues hard and going.
I'm hoping the old Watergate gang will
take on the Iran-contra bunch on Family
Feud. The Gaters would kick butt, don't
YOU agree?
Stephen Perrine
Brooklyn
DEAR EDITORS oel Siegel reviews s'
'New England, '
' [Joel Siegel Reviews
by Michael Crawford,
December):
Hysterically funny! Harry Shearer never
wore nicer clothes [Jacket Required, De-
cernber)! I stood up and cheered! (Which
was awkward and embarrassing when you
consider where I read spy!)
One of the top ten magazines of the year!
Joel Siegel
DEAR EDITORS her does not fit your
annoying" list [The
Spy ioo, October). Her total honesty and
personality make her desirable to hear
about and follow. Very few people find her
annoying. .It was so depressing to see
. .
you do not like Cher. J do like your
magazine!
Tom Mills
Cambridge, Massachusetts
And we do like you Tom.' Look. let's not let
C&er come between iii.
DEAR EDIrORS ope, it's irving Howe
vs. Philip Roth [The
Feuding System, November).
Now, please fix this major boner in a
subsequent issue or I'm going to be mad at
you and may stop submitting good Sepa-
rated at Birth? suggestions, such as
Johnny Carson and Tommy Smothers, just
for instance.
Fred Ruhm
Oakland, New Jersey
DEAR EDITORS e enjoyed your spoof
of Bare Bones: Con-
versations on Terror with Stephen King FSo
What's Wrong With Being Mu!-
tifaceted?,by Martin Kihn, November).
But finding contradictions in Mr. King's
interviews over an eight-year period must
have been a little like shooting a sitting
duck. Over time everyone's tastes and opin-
ions change, and that includes writers,
editors, politicians and possibly even
magazines.
In any case, Steve didn't edit this collcc-
non. W'did.
Tim underwood and Chuck i%Iiller
Novato, California
DEAR EDITORS I could relax
thought
after you ran my letter
last June, and leave your busy mailroom
staff alone. (I got a copy of Z, by the way.
and I can't say I understood all of it [Let-
ters to SPY, June); but Knut Hamsun
Ingemar Johansson Separated by a Mid-
wife? - a stitch!)
I did not write when you so risibly pillo-
ned my old college chum Richard Samuel
West, who was, incidentally, at one time a
very nice guy [From the SPY Mailroom,
MARCH 1989 SPY 17
 Canaveral 15 years ago and remembers
hearing a guide laying claim (for NASA)
to the invention (a spokesman today
says NASA would never take credit for
that but admits that "we have made
significant advances in the field of
microminiaturization" and allows that
NASA may hove been involved in "mi-
nor incremental changes"). And at last
summers GOP convention, Pat Robert-
son said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the
Republican Party wants to write a tale
of another city. We are the children of
those who tamed the wilderness. . ..
We are the heirs of those who enriched
the world with the electric light, the
telephone, the airplane, mass-produced
automobiles, the transistor. . . We are
Republicans." Golly, we didn't realize
lus, how much we had to thank Pat
Robertson and company for. The an-
swer is, of course, (a)the three men
invented it at Bell Labs in 1947. On the
other hand, maybe they were all
Republicans.
Last October in this space we leveled
a few casual threats at the pupils of
New York's Hunter College High School
for co-opting our "Separated ot Birth?
logo and idea in their yearbook, An-
nalsnothing really mean, just a pass-
¡ng threat to ruin their careers at some
point in the future. We've now received
a letter from the staff of Annals 1989,
informing us that this year the preco-
clous little devils plan to expand their
look-alikes section to two pages. They
justify it this way: " 'Separated at
Birth?' implies that each pair of people
is really a pair of twins, and we believe
that the two people in each of our pairs
are really one and the some person."
Furthermore, they've come up with a
different, catchier title of their own this
time: "Have You Ever Seen These Peo-
pIe in the Same Place at the Same
Time?" We like it. We just may steal it.
Speaking of which, we admit we've
lost interest in doing periodic roundups
of the pervasive srr influence in other
publications and also the occasional
roots-of-spy acknowledgments. We
thank readers who continue to send us
examples, but we'll henceforth let it go
(except for those Hunter kidsthey're
hnished). Let's all face it: it's o sp-de-
rivative world, and vice versa.
Oh, Bill? The check is in the mail. )

I8SPYMARCH 1989
October); or even when Mrs. De Meni!
finally wrote in about her son [Letters, Oc-
rober). (AU the same, watch her.) What
prompts this worried note is your conten-
tion in The Fine Print [by Jamie Malanow-
ski, November) that Richard Nixon ran
for president as a New York favorite son.
Richard Nixon was not born here, nor did
he ever run for state of&e. Worked for a
local law firm, I grant you; kept a Manhat-
tan townhouse, educated his daughcers,
even so. But, as I think some song goes,
California named him, California claimed
him. And that's that.
Joe Gioia
Brooklyn
All qui/e true, 6'i he did run as a New York
resideni. And he's always been a favorite of
ours.
DEAR EDITORS glaring omission from
your pages has been
detected lately. How is it har such a large
and slow-moving target as Jann Wenner
has escaped the cross hairs of your occa-
sionally well-aimed jibes? Is there some-
thing you are not telling us? Is there a type
ofpub]icist who is paid to keep names out
of certain publications, or
cions closer than that?
So many questions. So much white
space.
Reginald Fessenden
someone who glides around town in his
Lincoln town car, wearing an expensive
sweatsuit and a baseball cap with MAYOR
embroidered on it in gold thread? This
self-described night owl, attired in the
aforementioned lounging outfit, also ad-
mitced recently to paying a lace-night visit
to a young woman who makes her living
dancing nude, on the pretext of introduc-
ing himself to her three-year-old son.
The Spy shutterbugs may also want co
drop in on the mayor's next birthday party,
especially if it's like some of the past
bashes. One favorite took place in the club
where the dancer mentioned above per-
forms. Ac one point in the evening one
young voman spent an extraordinary
amount of time underneath thc mayor's
table, reportedly looking for a dropped
book of matches. Light my fire, indeed!
By the way, before you mock my corn-
munity of residence, as you have done co so
many before, you should know that only
che truly deranged, a few politicians and
those people whom they breed to work at
the Motor Vehicle Bureau actually live in
D.C. The rest of us commute to work on
what passes for a subway around bere.
Jack Sheehan
Germantou n , ilaryland
DEAR EDI1ORs s a soon-to-be-cerci-
fled public accountant I
f'i;';'r; i

Austin, Texas and devour Mickey Rourke fan, I was dis- me Certifiably Nuts the laughing, I
!

See No. 59 opi last October's SPY ¡00 or
¡970f (December) or "The 100 Greatest Is-
rnayed to note Heaven's Gaie missing from talking strait jacket containing 12 oz.
his list of credits VThe Unstoppables, by
¡
of unshelled peanuts.
I

sucs ofRolling Stone Magazine ofihe Last 20 Rod Granger and Doris Toumarkine, I
understand each bag comes
Years" (December). November). The omission will not only I
with a patient histoiy and commit-
cost United Artists substantial video rent- I
mentpapergiftcardandcosts I

als from the Rourke contingent of sys I

$19.95 plus $4.00 shipping and i
handling per bag. (California resi-
DEAR EDITORS ow delightful it was to readers, but, by bringing Rourke's toral to I

dents add 6.5% sales tax.)

ñnd Washington, more than $100 million, it would have i

I
I have enclosed a check or mon-
D.C., mayor Marion Barry included in made him the hands-down Unstoppable I
C order in the amount of $ i
your paean to fall [Great Expectations, champ. I for bag(s). I will wait patient- i
November). (By the way, it is Barry, not After Heaven's Gare and Year of the I ly (no pun intended) 8 to IO weeks I

Berr but that's an understandable mis- Dragon, the mind can only wonder what for delivery. I

take, given his physical shape.) Many of us effect the Rourke factor" could have had :

find Barry to be a politician in the mold of on Michael Cimino's third bomb of the IName i

Al Sharpton, only less reputable. l980s, The Sicilia,,.

iAddress i
Since Hizzoner is a regular visitor to Blame Faulkner
New York, he should be considered fair EI Cajon, California
State_Zip
iCity
game for your gentle apes. After all, here We tried io concentrate on movies in which our I

is a man who has stated on several oeca- Unstoppables played starring roles, either be- iThlephone
sions that he is second in importance only fore or behind the cameras. Having already,
to the president of the United States, and uh, credited Heaven's Gate tofellow Unstop- i
OffCenter
1142 Manhattan Avenue #332 i
who travels with a security entourage only pables Michael Cimino and Km Kristofferson, I

Manhattan Beach, CA 90266

I

slightly smaller than that accorded the first it would bave been unfair io charge it off on I
Void where prohibited.
I

family. How can Ed Koch hold a candle to Rourke's account as well. L --------------- J
MARCH 1989 SPY Q
Some of the most
mportant issues
management will face
n the next 12 months.
I -

c .
'JI I
I -rt
rr
Its here Anotheryearofmcrgers, acquisi
tions, spinoíís, layoffs, buyouts, bailouts, H- ,. ..

hirings and firings. All the things that ¡

ma e i e at t e top ot t e corporate ladder

jf
!

exciting and---sometimesshort. !1
J
7 i .. ..
1
Simple survival is the main reason why I

J ,. .

the biweekly arrival of Forbes is so important 7 /

to so many in management. And that's not
lust our opinion. According to a study
J '. J
I

bvMaketFacts1norecofVontofhCers

gives them the best information ou

I.%
'
companies, as well as the best judgments : ' . .
and insïghts. But survival isn't the only ' .
:
'
thingthey also say it's the most enjoyable. ,,
lt's because Forbes gives both executives _ìr
and investors the information they Ii

need in a form they enjoy that Forbes I .7 -. '

enjoys such a wealth of megarich read CRY.BAìS

I or es I

'i'" .

ers. Subscribers who have household ai.', V

j
incomes of over S160..000 and invest- i

nient portfolios of over $895,000. I

With one out of three a millionaire.
And while America's business and
financial leaders find Forbes to be
the most informative, liveliest and
most enjoyable of the major business
magazines, advertisers are happy to
find that it's the least expensive way
to reach them.
\ --
No doubt this is
why the Publishers Information Bureau
consistently ranks Forbes among the If you want your advertising to be
leaders in total advertising pages. Why seen and well received by the upper
biweekly Forbes carries more ad pages ranks of management, put it in the
than Time, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated business magazine they consistently
or U.S. News land, of course, Fortune). vote their favorite. Forbes.

20 SPY MARCH 1989

DEAR EDITORS hen I was in school,
I used to amuse my-
seW during boring classes by making ana-
grams. (E. Graydon Carter CORNET
READY: RAG!, GRODY CAREER
ANT.) But my teachers discouraged me.
They told me no one could make a living
from anagrams. (Kurt Andersen STAR-
KEEN NURD, DRUNKEN STARE.)
Like a fool, I believed them.
John T Durkip,
Monk/air. Neu jersey
DEAR EDITORS satirical magazine
must keep its credibil-
ity, or it becomes like the hyperyellow jour-
nais sold in supermarkets. Ned Zemans
piece [Will the Real Man Behind INY
Please Stand Up, October) not only smells
of desperation trying to get enough ma-
terial for a basically good ideabut some
of it is so false that even the opposite of his
statements is not true. Take the case of the
Four Seasons, for instance. Philip Johnson
never claimed to invent Chocolate Velvet,
Mies van der Rohe took no credit for the
brilliant concept, George Lois is perfectly
happy with rcceiving credit for translating
the concept into a public message, and I
certainly have not claimed credit for any of
the above, as my bio in Whos Who clearly
indicates. There are several people who
should take credit for being part of a team
led by Joe Baum who deserves a good-
size chapter in a book yet to be written,
namely the history of twentieth-century
restaurants as a social institution. Please
also read my article in Travel & Leisure in
connection with the 25th anniversary of
this extraordinary institution.
Although J don't usually dispense free
advice, I will make an exception at this
time: dont try ¡o had, because, in the
immortal words of A. J. Liebling, you
will boot yourself in the posterior.
George Lang
Neu York
DEAR EDITORS hile it is plain in the
final analysis in Ned
Zeman's story that I created the INY
campaign and that I was the only person
telling the truth, I wish that the piece had
conducted further investigation into the or-
igins of the campaign.
I would gladly have made my files avail-
able ro you, and you would have seen for
yourself the lengthy, in-depth, detailed let-
ters that I had sent to numerous people
upwards of a year and a half before any
meetings actually took place relative to the
campaign.
These letters outline the concept and
needs for such a campaign and like my
client pitch lettersserved as the basis
for the campaign.
Charles Moss at Wells, Rich. Greene
knew of my plan my dream for over a
year before I actually laid out a specific
program and corralled him into getting in-
volved in the campaign. Moss sat at my
bedside while I nursed a broken leg and for
nearly a year heard me outline my plan to
save New York.
For a long time Moss credited me with
having created the campaign. Then Mary
Wells Lawrence stopped him because she
realized Wells, Rich, Greene could build
their future on supposedly having created
the campaign. They realized I wasnt look-
ing for credit, and it was the most con-
structive, successful campaign of its nature
in history.
Robert M . Zaren:
New York
 DEAR EDITORS y fears for the future
of the Review of Re-
"ffyoiivebeen searchingfor : viewers column have been allayed. Ignatz's
something to enflance the piece about dance critics in the November
sensual side of your life... issue was trenchant and marvelously funny.
Yellow Silk offers fiction, po- I'll never read Kisselgoff again without
etiy, art, reminiscences, and giggling. I never read Kisselgoff before
reviews of material that cele- without giggling, but now the future is
brate the erotic In a way that
manages to be both tasteful secure.
andjuicy. The writing ranges ' Art Mirray
from earthy and funny to
I
:
Saddlebrook, New Jersey
: tender and thoughtfui, and
the art is exquisite. Highly
:
recommended." DEAR EDITORS guess you can be too
Medic.a1 Si1f-Care thin. The arrival of VG-
Day has reminded me of your recent article
on Grenada [Rccurn to Grenada,' by Guy
Martin, July), to which I'd like to append
the following fashion tip: in any formerly
leftist country that has recently been over-
run by U.S. Marines, no matter how lithe
J!)I29RT and stylish you may look in black it's un-
wise for Americans to wear clothing clearly
labeled spy, as illustrated by your corre-
spondent's jungle photo. You're likely to
earn the undeserved appellation CIA red-
neck" from the entertaining but uniri-
formed natives.
:'\\ Incidentally, black tees and sweatshirts
clearly labeled CIA Can be obtained from
che California Institute of the Arts, in Va-
lencia, California, alma mater of such po-
rentially suspicious operatives as Pee-wee
Herman and Tim Burton.
Ker'in Bfrìrke
Hell's Kitchen
I
DEAR EDIToRs couple issues have
L_ really got me per-
,,AII persuassnn%; no bruiaIit." plexed. Why is it that every time Ignatz's
name appears in print, it seems to pick up
\v s M.rwin Ntoiake Shinge Susan an extra vowel or consonant along the way
:
(;ritÍr Roh(rt Silvcrherg \4avuni (A simple issue, I know, but I have a low
I
k'rn Gcnit .. T.e Corinne Pierrv Lous Gaslight threshold.) Also, the word
(;.ir Soto Itid Dater Marg Piercy
k..ica Hagedorn 'Nul an Kotiwinkk preterizatarally appeared no fewer than ten
Frie Gill Marilyn I Licker Iìn ArgüeIIp'c times in your November issue. Was this
ChirIotte MIfld(í O(taio l'di :
deliberate, or did one of your editorial
staffers forget ro change his word-a-day
calendar Straight answers are not expected
ys, ro 6374. Albany CA 94706
$20/year Quarterly
but would be greatly appreciated. Aside
from that. you guys make me scream.
Thrtse L. Hentz
ADoless Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Although the word preternaturally appears in
every issue of spy, it's possible that the No-
I OLJTSIDLS..ADDS6/SLJRACE. i
$20/AIR PIR VEAL U.S. FUNDS. i vember issue was preternaturally brinming.
!
I.
As for Ratzwizkiwzki s name chan,ging its
spelling, nonsense. Surely you're imagining
22SPYMARCH 19S9
thiigs. Ratzu.'ikzizwki 's name has alu'ays
been spelled the saine in si"i' always. Yots
overiired. Get some rest, Mc. ¡-leniz. See a'
movie. How about a good George Cukor filen?
Now that you enentioci it, Gaslight u'ould 6e
an excellent choice.
DEAR EDITORS hile perusing your
latest issue and
reading the article on the basically nonexis-
tent boundaries between politicians and
journalists [Everybodys a Great Commu-
nicatoi by Jack Hitt and Bob Mack.
November] I was struck by your comment
on William Safire. Besr New York Times
columnist This commendation for a man
who, among his many other egregious acts,
felt compelled to write a nauseating paean
to Roy Cohn in his column at the time of
that slimeballs death After a few mo-
ments' reflection I realized that you put in
the little zinger for Sake as a payback for
the Times column each month. In other
words, William Salire is really ghosting for
J. J. Hunsecker. lsnt he?
De Kenneth R. Weinberg
New York
Na. In fact,
DEAR EDITORS
Mr. Hnnsecker has been ghosting
Mr. Safire 's column all these years.
how me to congratu-
late you on this year's
excellent SPY I 00 issue [October). Espe-
ciaHy gratifying to me were the copious
references to professional wrestling (my fa-
vorite sport) scattered discreetly through
several articles:
(1) My own letter on lron Mike DiBi-
ase's heart attack on page 37
(2) Frank from the Bronx in WEAN
transcript on page 62 mentions another
wrestling death, Bruiser Brody's stabbing in
Puerto Rico at the hands of Invader No. 3
(3) Monstrous Henchrnen on page 77
includes Andre the Giant
(4) John Brodie's Rcgi.ilar Guy Manhat-
tan map on page 1 06 includes World
Wrestling Federation wrestling at Madison
Square Garden under events.
Clinton S. Freeman
New York
DEAR EDITORS our FEUDS! cover story
(by Lynn Hirschberg,
November) was interesting, funny and
epic in scope.
 Ud like to use SPY as a forum to start a
j,ersonal feud (being a celebrated letter
writer, considering t've had two letters Each licked
printed in the past year in Rolling Stone,
check issue Nos. 5 19 and 538) with self- the last kiss
SPY crusader Michael
appointed old-style
Gates of Brooklyn (Letters, November]. - of chocolate
Where do you get off, Gates, criticizing
this wonderfully perfect example of a satir- 7frouIade from the
ical monthly simply b«ause ir has more
pages? A magazine is not like a model; Then
other's lips.
having fewer pages is not tastefully
svelte, but usually means less content; they = went home
having more pages is not corpulent, but
rather a way to give you more for your and made love.
money. However, my main peeve against
Gates is his description of s' as a whim- The food
skai alternative ro the humorless Neu'
Yorker. Ridiculous! SPY is the eighties that good.
semisophisricated distillation of the satiro-
paranoid attitude of mid-fifties Mad. To
I give the best of luck in the future.
SPY,

To Michael Hideously Bloated GatesI

throw down the gauntlet.
JOHN CLANCY'S1
181 WEST 10TH STREET 242-7350. I
Dave Platt
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada JOHNCLANCY'S C
206 EAST 63RD STREET 752-6666
DEAR EDITORS et your act together,
SPY. Feuding is an in-

teresting subject, but you've made a mess

of it. You've also got a number of facts
or 'facts, as a SPY would writewrong.
Now, we all know that when the computer
comes up with a good quote, it's better not
to check it out because even the most
venerable quotes are wrong. I assume
that's why you checked almost nothing
with me. Worse, as there is no context of
any kind, no one who reads you will ever
know why I said any of the things artrib-
uted to me, Apparently, out of the blue, I
insult someone for no reason.
When you first rang mc, I told you
gently, firmly, that my feuds are usually
political in origin. But you weren't buying
that. You also never explain how Ior
anyonecan have a feud (which implies
some sort of intimacy at some rime) with a
mere acquaintance like R. F. Kennedy,
W. F. Buckley, R. Guccione and T. Bro-
kaw. If politics (artistic matters also in-
volve the po/ii) are not the common dc-
nominator, what on earth is?
Now, I know that you find ir impossible
to believe that anyone can be interested in
anything outside himself. Out there in
Hustler-land all is Hype, Turf, Vanity and
Spy's own most powerful emotion, Envy.

\1 R( 1») SPY
To take seriously something outside one's
own hustle is as mysterious to SPY as Grace
is to me. This means that there is no way
for you to understand why I should object
so strenuously to Mailer's attack on Wo-
mens Liberation in The PriionerofSex. The
best explanation that you can come up
with is that Mailer nailed Vidai early on
by saying, 'He lacks the wound. Yes,
Mailer did write that ( I still don't know
what he meant by it), in a book called
Ader:isernen:sfor Myself which I reviewed
most favorably in The Nation. Surely if I
lusted for Revenge, I would have got it
then.
Your report of my TV debate with
Buckley makes it seem as if I suddenly
turned to him on air and called him a
Nazi. Aren't you even mildly curious as to
why I said this? For sPy it is enough that I
must, somehow, have Envied him for his
astonishing beauty arid long words re-
verse the adjectives if you like, if you
haven't already, and so, Viciously, Outra-
geously (two words applied by our masters
(O anyone who gives away the scam), I
called him a Nazi. Even if you aren't curi-
ous, I'm sure your readers must be. So
here's the context: At the 1968 Chicago
convention of the Democratic Parry, the
24 SPY MARCH 1989
police were rioting as Buckley and I were
on air; police were beating up and teargas-
sing antiVietnam War demonstrators;
delegates too. Buckley characterized those
being beaten up as Nazis, and i said that
they werent Nazis but if there was one
anywhere on the premises, etc. . . . If this
exchange with someone who was, socially,
a stranger to me, isn't political. what is?
Errors: When Vidai sued Guccione (he
also sued Capote, William F. Buckley Jr.
and many, many others) . . . Real dumb,
spy. Real lazy too. I have never sued any-
one except Capote (for libel, which I won).
I have never been sued by anyone except
Buckley, as a result of my response in Es-
quire to his attack (in Esquire) on me. You
write, Lawsuits and countersuits followed
but Vidai settled out of court. I did not
settle out of court. I was eager to go to
trial. But shortly before we were due in court,
Buckley dropped his suit against me. Chat
with your lawyers, si'y. I hear the creak of
prison doors, and there is no Mike
Dukakis to furlough you.
The final error is not entirely your fault.
You write that before I went on the Today
show (1980?), Tom Brokaw asked mc to
discuss politics, not bisexuality. Then, on
air, I, Viciously, Outrageously, talked bi-
sexuality, to poor Tom's despair. You got
this particular story from a Time magazine
cover piece on the vicissitudes of TV's
newsreaders. The truth? The reverse. On
air, Brokaw asked me why I wrote so much
about bisexuality (I don't), and I made a
mild joke, said ir was too early in the
morning for such talk and I preferred to
talk politics. Pluckily, he reread the ques-
tion that someone else, I hope, had written
down for him. Fed up, I said that I was not
going co discuss bisexuality with him but
that I was going to talk about Jimmy
Carer, whom we'd just been watching On
the monitor; and I did. lt was not Tom
Brokaw's finest hour. He got Even, as a spy
would say, in the Time interview by revers-
ing the story. Later I ran into him at a party
and asked him why he'd lied to TimeI
used a nicer verb. He couldn't remember
exactly, he said. Anyway, its flOt his word
against mine, the sort of vague, messy
story SPY truly loves: you can look at the
tape.
Lesson: when you deal with me or Mary
McCarthy, you are moving out of hustler-
land to a high ground where you stray at
your peril. lt is called Criticism, and at its
best, no matter how harsh or even unfair, it
is disinterested. McCarthy was not jealous
 Finally.
lVs here. 4

':
The Warner Bros. debut
of a beloved entertainer
who introduction.
But you

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e

z
PRODUCED BY ELVIS COSTELLO, KEVIN KILLEN AND T BONE BURNETT
FEATURING THE SNGLE "VERONICA'
a'
VAftABLE NOW ON WARNER BROS. CASSETTES, COMPACT DISCS AND RECORDS a'
ßßVED EN1ÌR.4, a'

ofHeilman; she thought her a literary and

And from the spy mailroom floor: Possi- we won't publish it. How can we lose if
political fraud. I was not jealous of Mailer;
bly because of our recently adopted he's expecting rejection?
I thought him wrong on the sexual politics
scorchedearth policy regarding unso- Someone in Bellevue, Washington,
of women's liberation.
licited manuscripts, the pickings lately wants to submit a 1,100-word recipe for
Final thought: the inability to tell good
have been slimmer but of greater ambi- "The Best Pizza You Ever Ate" a
from bad, relevant from irrelevant, the
tion. Viz,: At last, someone has sent topic, critics of SPY have long main-
joke (this is crucial) from the straight line,
along a 4,800-word sat- tamed, that we have covered to death.
is true decadence. That's it, spy.
ire about cheese in fu- A Canadian-bred Manhattanite pro-
See you in federal court. Have a nice '

turistic America. At poses a piece titled "Particle Metaphys-

pretrial deposition.
Gore Vidai
HoIIyu.00d, California
Shortly after Mr. Vidai uni this letter. he
N last, someone has writ-
ten proposing an article
on Samoan sexual prac-
tices today. At last, we have been of-
ics: Subjective Reality and The Last
Temptation of Christ"; his postscript is
a siy appeal to the tragic fellow-Cona-
dian-ness of one of spy's editors, A
ca/led s' tojind out ¡fue d received it. ¡n the
fered the opportunity to assign a story woman keeps sending us snapshots
course ofa diSCUr5iz;e and wholly pleasant col-
on a specific aspect of Spain's post- the latest are of dinosaurs, tanks, T-
/oqiy. Mr. Vidai. who once jaid. 'Ai one gets
Franco culture. At last. shirts and canned goodsand demand-
older, litigation replaces sex. delivered a
The cover letters are improving as ing a check. Andpay attention, all of
tongue-lashing for n'hai he claimed wen nu-
well, as more and more would-be con- youthe editors of the North Atlantic
merouss errors. J'undaunenta/ among them that
tributors are discovering flattery. "lt oc- Review have sent us an announcement
he was not a recidivist litigator. Mr. Vidai
curs to me that your publication might stating that they (unlike SPY) are "look-
claimed to have sued only one perso?! in his iiJ',
appreciate some of my work," writes an ing for fiction, poetry, humor, satire, es-
and that was Truman Capote. Th say other-
Ottawa man, enclosing some poems. says, criticism, book reviews, art work
u'ise. he informed sis solemnly. wouid be ac-
Another man writes, "After a few bad and photos." Address: 15 Arbutus
tionable. SPY stands by its story.
ones, the November issue was really Lane, Stony Brook, N.Y. i 1790-1408.
funny." No question, we are predis- Oh, and here's one more envelope,
spy u.'elcomes letters from its readers. Address
posed to send this writer a contract. addressed to the "Light Verse Editor."
correspondence to s"' , The Puck Bnilding,
And another man encloses what he We'll just put it right over here until one
295 Lafayette Street, New York. N. Y.
describes as "a really bitchen film arti- of spy's light verse editors gets back
¡0012. Please include your daytime telephone
de" a Los Angeles manbut predicts from his or her sabbatical. )
number. )

MAR(:H i'.x'spv2
 --:-

KMrt Ad.nsn C. Grsydon Cwt.v

lt began as E9ITOK%

Thom.. L Phini k
PUBISHI.
a restaurant so Si.vs S.thrss

i good, people
wanted to stay
PLbLIMH\G 1)1*1(1(1K

$411011 Monson
LXI I ((fl.E 11)110*
B. W. Honiyc*,t*
All 1)1*11 TOI
Jill Okk.y
:i!1 iìight. Now MANAOO(. I )Il0R
G.org. KaIorrcis
SINR)K KiTIR
it's a hotel. Ma Jon. Grub., Buc. Hlindy Jamis Mot*nowskl
cFI()K 11)10 (R'
Cor.n W,jn.r
Maison Sofftel. I (1111 01 KESLA&( Il

ONIX LiN LA. Pl1I SiflWflI

SIAIF (1 RITtI
Amy Stadi
P1(11*1 11)1101
Aliiond.r KnowtRon
A1.S(XIATE ARI 1)111(101
Jot,t M,str4anrti
A'((N All folTI0

Bob Mock D.boch Mich.l

14da St.rn Radial Urquhar?
1111)111*).
1
Jahn Irodis Peter He$arnon
Kate McDow.Il [hua Schopp.II
1IJITORIAL AIAOTAI..TS
Scott Fromm., Nch..l Holmaren
ASSII.T?IT ART 01*1< lORS
H.n.t I.r.vlck Ce4c Hollr,is., Wlfflatn R. Sti,tth
KI'4 ARCHERS

M,r.&t$e Oais fIizob.t+i D.v.r,oux

Rita NoeI, L L Vand,pa.r
(Of) O)IT(lR\
Nicks Gostin 10,4010 Holfr.nnrnç
Idi Wilsoti J.nni4.r Winston
ART M.SllANTS
(rk Kaçon
I I RIINlIIFI Al-I AOl
lI

Andy Aaron. Jack Barth. Roy Slount Jr.,

C.liu Srudy, Holly Br(AtOCIl, Chnt Collés,
CyIthia Costs, Brvce Puritain, Driw Friedman,
lad Fn,nd, Marino Gamier. Jo. Giflée,
Jam., Grant, John H.p.m. Tony Hind,.,
Lnr Hirschb.r, Ann Ho4nicn, J. J. Hu,es.cker
Howard Kaplan, Milik Kaylen, G.o« Kern,
Mimi Kram.,, Modi Lo,ew.il T. S. Lard,
l'homo. Muro, Guy Mortin, Patty Mir.,
Poritk McMullon, Marte O'Donn.U, Derid O.r.n,
Jo. Queman, I,ati Riitwiikiwiki, Paul Rudnick,
Luc Sont., John Siabro-ok, Harry Sh.ar.r,
Rod,i Shopii, Paul Slonsky, Mcka.l Sodiin,
Richcrd St.r,.l, Jo Stockton, Tek,
Jomss Traub, f4i(hooe non Hoftnisn, Ellis W.jn.r
Philipp. W.isb.ck.r, Philip W,.5,
P4.d Limon arid [dw3rd Zuk.,vnon, among others
1 OATRlblJTIAO II)lT()Rs

Ann. Kr..m«
MA*KL'TlNG 05*1(101
ISII K. FuL
AIWE*TISINC, SALES DIREcTOR
Cindy ArIinsky Constanc. Draytan
Pamela Clark Raddin9 (va Sullivan
AI)VFRTISOJ(. SALIS RFPRI).OSTAI IVI S
Las. Ausknd.r
(IE( (lI,ATION SIANAGER
Adam 0.1gm.
PROM()TtllN ,lANA((R
G.offr.y leus
PROOLCEION %IANA(;EE

Siid F. Hsh.i
OFHCI MANAGER
Candac. M.lØwn
AC(OUNTIN(i MANAGEL
mdId lum.m L.aanc. Hsithm.n
ADVERIISINC,, SALE) ASSISTANTS

M.igc. M.b.is.y tl.in. Wilkins

PUBLISHING ASSISTANTS
A*ees Dylan CUlIlke L.v
Todd MSIg.,InI Rebut Dw.k
INTERNS

)
 'With the new tax laws,
these are the only loopholes we
encourage OU to look for'
I(enneth Cole

New York Kennet.h Cole shoes a re also avaikil San Francisco

353 (o1u11hLJs at selected 1)cpariinetit and 1)cciaIt\ tures. 2078 Union St.
 LOOK WHAT SUO BUYS
IM MEW YORK.
\ MORNING EDITION WASHINGTON WEEK ' I ' %'A)

V':. ÌTI41 L
EASTENDERS

\\'
,

/ ------ r' / e
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*4?
-'L: ))L;1; WITH

II_9

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THE KWITNY REPORT MEW YORK
. . . .l S WITH JONAThAN KWITFIY ND MPAMY
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A4 .

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justlookhowfaritcangoonWNYC.

WNYC
Mew York Public Radio and Television
65th Anniversary Season
 Stríkinu New Yorkers.
-T:::I. ----- I,

I
CHARIVARI
NEW YORK
Matsuda Spring Collection

f
T H R I N T
h)'JtJfll4C 1'iftilti,,oi
ThACKWIG A UAD
IAUOON:
HHUGHfl OP THE
OPPICIAL DUKAKIS
CAMPAIGN "TALXNIG
POINTS
As DtfflU(tII COflTIflUC
quidrcnnI4I IITortlh(atiofl
(crcron1 - thes ar now in
che hisrsh scII-eximin4cIoiI
ptLasc. Thy (int chat tOII()WS
halluin.uonlv OptimStI ¿ud
hv &rashiti dcfc.0 lI4
thcs vull bUSI uhmschc by
assigning hLmc for IJ.SC falt
loss ii thr prcIidcnnl rk uutiui
Duoc who tI)IitCfld tiut
tatult lies with thc campaign
should luok no turther thauu tiic
campaign's own talking
pointa. thr onñdcnnal daily
disphcs issucd by thc crutraI
ufike to kcv operalîvts around
thc ounCr lu mal.c suit
CS'CiVt)nC is dchvenng tut Saint
riwabage . Thc) re'caI .i
campaign haracucnicc1 by
misjudgment. misperception.
defensivcnrss. delusion arid the
unmistakable odor ol flop
sweaC Here arc some
highlights.
AUgUSt 1 . 1HE !. UORD
is i.I:.iDERSiilP: The
Rcpublatuis dies vant this
clesitoti to be aotit issues. So
why o they kcp talking
about labrls
August lS A noiI today in the
UfJb:NjIos Poi: showed
Dukais lead r.arrowung to
49'ç -46' . This is exaculy
o spy MARCH 1989
.IuIIi:,uILujI1LujpuIuI1LuII1jr.IIlIuIuIIu:
S .1 SH.si F5
Ii l:Ets i il.vr \\.\ j\( ()N Nvs Ags. bosomy
diny-hooL writcr. SALLY QUINN. was upset about a
recic E.w1,are' prolik UI her triend 1wd Ofletirnc
Wa.chángiim Pou CIICagLlc. SHari' COFFEY. thc fresaly
installed executive cdiror of he Lo. Ang/., Iwi.c.
11'i: iiiiIdIv criti:aI ot Coffèv. hut
E.k/Hlrt 5(5)1v %%.tS
Q uinn was irked by Sorne passing swipes the E.sqs:re
Titcr baci taken at ber(suh as repeating old rsmmrs
that Post wrirtrs had ghosted her novd. Regrets
kI
On/ ). So Quinn did wlì.s .tnvone vouId do: she
itsiiipIauicd tO AMANDA 'BINKY" URBAN. who h..p-
pens to bc. both Quinns trmnd and tI agent for the
Coffey proflics author. CRAmG UNGER. I low in Gods
namile. Quinn wanted to know. could Bmnky have
allowed a licnt to sa so many horrible thmgs about
hcir her' Bin$.y was apoIogcti. Binky was reassuring.
Unger was not reall her dient. she said. She had
agrerd. she c.sid. to represent Unger only Exause his
ClIC
former agent had died. and Binky rcaIl had noth-
Ing to do with him. Binky never so much as re-
- turned his phone cIIs. and so on. End of girl ta'k.
\Vithin the week. however. Binkv received a a11
Iroin Unger a call that she inincdiatcI)
IS()fle
Clic
took, oddly tiiough \X'hat had she thought of the
rqií:re pie.et. Unger asked. She had liked it very
much indeed. Binkv replied. e.cpee:d13 :h bits a/Ms:t
Sa/I) Qu:z.
HE Is Ol UI THE VERY FIW Hollvwoodworkers
whose talent is conirnensura(e with his arrogane
abosit his caleiu. atiti his tiiìCOmflptOmfliSing take-it-
or-leave-it approad to selling the ¿loonstruk
screenplay probably did as mntich to enhante screen-
writers status as any gassy \Vriters Guild I11LitteStO.
Nevertheless. JOHN PATRICK SHANUYS impassioned
pro-union spee(h to 'X'riters Guild Last members
last year. itist before their long. difficult strike u!-
lapsed. seemed somewhat lesc moving alter e were
told that Shalev had been surreptitioush sending
in regular rc rites on his new script. January ¡lan.
which was being filnied during the long. difficult
strike about which he so movingly rhapsodized.
J tHai is IIMA.
PRI )I I.l(,A( i t4LlIS \ Ill R I( Al I the s .ist
ing C t ssal SU%11eN. Deemiiher I 98 i that i M. PE
is ovcrseeIIIg .tr SnVEN Joss5 Sui Renio 1'ied-i-terre,
It cOIltlflLICS. I11C price t. .tlin yourself; IlLisli (lie
plight of the homndess from your thoughts now
ruiu at S 2 . I I per square tOot t or about t': t:;c
the u)St ut building a skyst raper.
N,Vlk)NAI. Rin i Aot IAl ION ieiiitxr and Sirnuii
Sthtistcr e(llti)r ¡n i.lict MICHAEL KORDA has always
htnied hiiiiself, despite his a maus
111.111 . Airer comidtnrumi a lung. SJ( mal relationship
with LALRIE LISTER. ami emplivec who edited B-lust
niemnoirs. kurda dcidccl l.rt t.11 ro lornialiv
. . .
'?pr:»r:tlr tlic. Woifleil in lii lite. His wik. MAR.
GARET, h1td titliti ideas. and rel)rredlv delivered an
Annie Oakleylike. Poz C, hOU ¡O Ute It. Ihit ¡6
(,ci lt -ish ultini.truni . Kurda capittilarrd Ikier wa
PUr.tl by DucK SNYDER. SS cliiirman mui(l Kuril.is
l)ltIsrerhuticl The K.ordas sceni lii have we.irhered
the mnisunderstandiuig; they dancd together at tIle
l.vcrn on the (reemi tie tIirovn to olillik-tiiorate
kirLts ?i(l years am S&S k.or(la (-Veli roasted his
" ite. tuIaIILInLZ her tor ismttin UI) ich wli.tt ht-
' lne tu tall his O??/?IllWdflt.i a i an
r/:f.r over tht stars.
li vot x in F a Suuìon & Schuster author and cele-
brated X'atergarc reporter. ()U 'ere. naturaIl. iii.
sited to K()tda s let s-pretemid-mx lungs-wrong tete
cle'ribed above. \'oLi sscrc also imiviteti it ynu sere
sifliOIi & Schuswr author auiti \Vatergate fclon JOHN
EHRUCHMAN. Trying to let bygones be bygones. the
erstwhile Nixon man used the occasion co liase a
Imite chat with his erstwhile nemesis. amiably alliuig
tutu Bob agaiii 411tI .tgaiii. \\'hich did flot. per-
liaps. endear Ehrlichman to CARL BERpismN. whose
nickmianie is nut Bob. and svlio during the last dei-
idc has produted three t'wcr best-sellers than his
tormer partner. Boi W000WARD.
 .

::...
CELESTIAL HINDSIGHT
/-1 spy 'j Horoscopefor Skeptici

nother look at the horoscopes of familiar Subjeth NANCY REAGAN YHI EINE PuNT COPUTINU(D
people on momentous days of their lives. Sign: Cancer (b. 7/6/2 1 ) _
Dot.: October 17, 1988 whaE we expected: its going to
be a vety close. tough race. ...
Subject: GEORGE BUSH Notable Activity: Acknowledged that she had been Tonight George Bush makes
Sign: Gemini (b. 6/ 1 2/24) borrowing designer clothing, in breach of promise the most important speech of
Dote: November 8, 1988 his life. . . Lets face it: its
she had made in i 982 to discontinue the practice
Tension City. He has to hic a
Notable Acthity: Won presidential election Horoscope: Open lines of communication . . . add grand siam.
Horoscope: Anyone who thinks you are scatter- to wardrohe. Sydney Omarr,
brained or irresponsible is about to discover that The Wathingion Pout August 24: Mike Dukakis
pledged the flag every day he
you have been plotting and scheming for a long served his country in Korea. He
tirnc. Patric Walker, Neu' York Pou Subject: MIcHAEL DUKAKIS continues to recise the pledge
Sign: Scorpio (b. 1 1/3/33) today, and schoolchildren
across . . Massachusetts recite
Subjech DAN QUAYLE Date: November 8, 1988 the pledge each morning.
Sign: Aquarius (b. 2/4/47) Notable Activity: Lost presidential election
Doti: November 8, 1988 Horoscope: "Thanks to your determined efforts this August 26: Today. Bentsen
demonstrates the broad appesi
Notoble Activity: Was elected vice president of the month to conceal your motives and emotions, few o( the Dukakis-Bentsen ticket
United States of America are likely to see that beneath your enigmatic facade in the South.
Horoicope: You may feel youre simply playing a youre undergoing a profound process of change
August 29: Dukakis said: The
role, but the better the show you put on, the better and reorientacion. Katharine Merlin, American people aient
the outcome. Katharine Merlin, Town & Country interested . . in a debate over
Toti't, & Country - George Mannes which of us loves his country
the most.
, q $,e e e y , y t y y y y y y y , y y
September 2: FAMILY
REUNION: . . In response to
,

questions about whether his

PRIVATE LIVES return signified a problem with
THE S PY Lisj the Dukakis campaign. Sasso
pointed out that Dukakis is the
Democratic nominee. presided
Sammy Davis Jr. over the best convention in
recent Democratic history.
James Dean picked a first-rate running mate
and is now running neck and
Pamela Des Barres neck with the incumbent
Vice President. None of this
Marianne Faithfull seemed . . . plausible a year
ago.
Susan Gutfreund
September 3: 1n one of the
Jerry Hall most dramatic and moving
moments of the Presidential
Leona Helmsley campaign. Euterpe Dukakis
will join her son Michael at
Jackie in Shampoo Ellis Island.

Bianca Jagger September 9: Correctional

programs are not mistake proof.
Angela Janklow The real issue is how you
reduce crime. and on that score
Sally Kellerman Dukakis is a real leadee.

Sally Kirkland September 16: Bush is on che

ropes. . . this week.
Linda Lovelace
September 22: Bush will be in
Terri Nunn of Boston today to receive the
endorsement of the Boston
the group Berlin Ikiice PtroImens Benevolent
Association. Bush will try to
Nancy Reagan make headlines cían
endorsement that has nothing
Longtime Yankee manager Bill;' Martin prepares/or the start ofanother season. Loree Rodkin to do with who would be the
IU.USTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN best president.

MARCH 1989 SPY 31

 .
( 1.
a, (($f)( (
//
(f

TNt FINI PuNI CONTINUID
Spcetnbcr 30 Bush unucs
to flail uy.ng lu sigc uIflc'
poInt% with ChC middle
Lles ining decrardy io
portray MSD as a big
go%criimcsil type.
October Thc MSD
. Gtrdcn. The furriest.
camplign has scrtcd a sertes of
ads . . calkd Thy Packaging
01 (iCotgc Bush (chat) show
MARCH
DATEBOOK
Enchanting anar 16 FIa.hback.' I 964: course sallcd Giving
Alarming Events Alex Karras, who had and Getting Positive
Upcoming bven suspended by clic Fevdback. One session
t Izas.
NFL for betting on J \'ice idea. lt goes trom
3-5 Ijftlt AflflLlaI games. is reinstated. Island oh che Aucestors 9:O am. co 4:30 p.m.
IturnationaI Cat Show; thereby making hini exhibit opening today Fine tiione of hoursze,
Madison Square eligible to play himself at the Museum of ciz:/izea'. The cost is
in Papc Lion in 1968. Natural History. s I 05. Very fair prru-c.
most self-satisfied 17 Sc. Vatricks Da Madagascar's lemurs good :'a/e. in/ in faa
crctttires to assemble at Block associations for bear clic closest ¡he u 'hole prograi)i soundi

aides Io I3ush deciditig to tht: Garden since Duran streets intersecting Fifth rescmL,lance of aii te7Jit- you gii)J are
øuli it, ihe sag. living creatures to
Duran last plavud there. Avenue regret coo-hasty doing a great ¡ob. But ¡11

Ociobcr To rcc' Busti

S 8-12 The Otflcgd detision flot to install human ancestors of "5 did yo!.' like' tix ita;

stands lot the stuus quo; Institute for Holistk Portosans on every some 50 million years we handled this list i,sgt
Dukakis ciands (or h&ngc. ago, says the press 26 Easter and the
Studies ¡s offering a corner this year.
Bush stands (or compiacnc.
Dukakis si*nds tor ihLngc tOUe called lnrerpecies 18 Thirtieth release, cujiiVefliefitIS Easer Parade on Filth
Bush stands for running in Connectton: Swirntnin anniversary of President forgetting about Jutid Avenue. l:orger Sr.
place. Dukakis wants to move vith che Dolphins; lisenhowers signing Nelson. Patrick s Day ihn is
torward. Bush will sccth for the
buxtze Dukakis wanta the gold Key Largo. Florida. Hawaiis statehood 25 The International the wildest parade of
ter Anterka; Bush is looking $675. lhrough three legislation. paving the Auto Show begins at the month. ir can get a
an mntenuonal walk.
tor
separare 4S-nsinute way for (al the Aloha the Javits Center. little zany, cautioned a
DuaLis wasit a hoinc riiii.
swims with the State's future as a Terrific a gathering o spokesperson for the
Cktnb«r 6 (after chc &ncsen dolphins. participants Pacihc Elba for deposed King-Crusher-truck New York Convention
Q uayle debaict: ow the raie atid Visitors Bureau.
enter deeply lUto the Filipino despots arid buffs in a city where no
is a statssttcal dead hrar
dolphin-human (b) Don Ho mania one has a drivers Pcoplc put anything
Otobcr 7REPUBLI(:AN ConneCtiOn and learn sweeping che First license. and everything on tbe:r
ELECTORAl. LOCK Diere is first-hand what the 25 New York
h)r(y-eight. headc.
none The vocrs t.oncrnuc to
reject (ieorge Bush. MSD dolphins have to teach 25 A reconstruction of University s School of 28 Terrh anniversary of
(is) doing well in CA aboLit relationships to a Malagasy village is Continuing i:dLicatkn iS near meltdown at
self, to others and o part ofthe 1adagascar: offering a one-sesSioli ihrte lile Island. b
OEtober I 4 (after Dukakis lost
thc hnal dcbtc). c lion Last
the planct. An
night atcoding w a US/I ToIs alternative for those
(:al,knia poll. . The polls
. .

remaining here: stand

that show a Bush win fail to
the obvious - BucF kl next to some iced
flO(C
WHAT'S IN
going into the debate. and mahirnahi at (irarcllas
omrnittcd Bush voters arc WAgIJARLES c.AN'T A NAME?
and t 'intent raie. AFFORD 77i147 RiZP.
skesing the score Wc
begm th hnal three 4iid a hail i i Five-Kilometer .- ¿4 ¿1onth/)

weeks with a dvtutni that 1-loroscope Run; Anagram Ana/isis

started to turn last night to our (:eirrai Park. Awards
gtuuiid - a iOSiCIsC. future-
for top finishers under IDES OF MARCH
oricnicd debate about the real
Isaucs that affect peoples lives. catit zodiac sign. MODISH FARCE

Almost (00 repellent k)r

O(tober I7 Thr eleie,00 is JOHN HENRY SUNUNU
still up (or grabs. . There arc words: thousands of
a number ol ekition stenalios joggers talking about ENJOY RUN. SHUN HUN
which lead to an MSD vturv. their signs.
MSDs ek«oral hase. plus
VICE PRESIDENT
states on both toasts. plus stich 13 Neil Sedaka turns
key battle ground states s.s TX 50. Oubreak of office QUAYU
and ¡L give a malOElty violence among co- EVIDENTLY QUASI-CREEP

workers traccd to EVIDENTLY EPIC SQUARE

Octobct 18. Mike Dukakis
PERCEIVED TINY SQUEAL
wants to bring prosperity hume individuals humming
tus many Americans. George
snatches of Laughter in tlEn GENT QUflUAVE PRESIDENCY
Musli wants io bring prospetity
to Americans with -nanv the Rait ali morning. NICE DEPRAVITY SEQUEL

homcs. 15 Ides. GOES NEGATIVE

32SPYMARCH 19S9
 19
'4:34
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'-
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 ((1sf
I(111'(f
I.

You ARE THERE

Spy 's Exclusive Monthly Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette

TUI FSM$ pii.iT CONTeNUID

October 19: Dukakis is out on

the stump with a 'ñghting
speh. . . . The response has
bccn ekttnc.

October 20: An invigacd

MSD conunuts to tear up the
campaign trail wich a powerful
message that is catching ñre.

October 27: Only 8 pcints

between MSD and Bush.

November 4: ThE SURGE:

l(RC poll this morning shows
MSI) pulling within 6
points. If Reggie Jackson is
Mr. Ouober. Mike Dukakis
will be Mr Novembre

INVESTMENT TIP
&Is(t? il or noi', gi:'írzg large
amowrli oflJ7Ofle) to complete
tiraogeri in exchange for the
ngbti to all the gold ¡bat can
ex:rac:edfrom big piles o/din
that the buyer 1at ocien icen z,
00:4' zonjiderrd an im/»iident

iniyjtmc,,t. According io the

North American S«anztáei
Administrators Ai,oziation. tens Jk)STPARTY ANIMALs: lis 6:00 a.rn. in Beverly Hi/lido you know where Chuck Norrij is? Why, hes sii/I al
ofthoiiandi ofAmenicani haze Warren Beatty 's supergiamoroiss, ultrajiash all-night blowota bachelor bash (lo benejit Cerebral Palsy), getting
lost an estimated $250 ms/lion
in dirt pile wind/ei. N/tSAA
by with a little help frotta Lawrence Taylor and an unidetitijied Etiropean while he feels a little iffy flexing his
wants that inch scams are abdominal tituscies at poolside. Meanwhile, Eddie ¿Mierphy (reprising his timeless Guniby bit) splashes arottnd
proliferating There are now 52 i?, the drink, soaking ¡'p the adulation he gets et'en frotti fellow superstars. And rounding 01st this hard-core
sod' szams under investzgalson:
in ¡lx spring of 1987 there urne
part; corps is none other than conch potato LeVar Kimta Kinte Bllrton, who spent most o/the evening ttying to
only 8. NASAA attribute, the hide from jot.rsting nut Val Kilnier. PHOTOGRAPFI 13V STEPHEN FRAILEY
ïncrease Io the dzc/ine of investor
confidence in the stability of the
jim-k market since she Oaoben
1987 crash. (Too risky! I told
my broker. 1m psating my money
into pocen(íally gold-bearing
BLURB.O.MAT
dirt.) Capsule Movie Reviews by Eric KaplanTM,
I'typical dint-pile swindle the Movie Publwist's Friend
invol&fs a zallfnom a salesperson
sss:ng a WATS line to phone list,
ofpotennal sntystors. each of SKIN DEEP, starring John Ritter (20th Century Fax)
whom ti told thai for a paymezzi Eric Kaplan says. "Now it can be said: the silver screen is John Ritter
ofaroand $5.000. he orjhe will
country!"
obtain title to 100 tons of
unprocessed dirt - what the
CousiNs, starring Ted Danson, Isabella Rossellini (Pararnoun)
salesperson probably calls
aggregate Ort. The dint ii Eric Kaplan says, "With cousins like these, there's sure to be an Oscar in
gtearanò'eed to contain at least the family!"
20 owrnes ofgold. Thosççh
investors are told they will hazy A DRY WHITE SEASON, starring Donald Sutherland, Marion Brando (MGM/UA)
IO watt between one and three
Eric Kaplan says. "Brando and Sutherland'nuf said!"
years he/ore seeing a return. they
are hooked by ¡lx opportonity to LEVIATHAN, starring Peter Weller, Richard Crenna (MGM/UA)
buy gold/or $250 an onna ai a
time when st is selling/or Eric Kaplan says, "Weller and Crenna'nuf said!"
around $400 an onoce.
What s urong with ¡bi, deal? TRUE BELIEVER, starringJames Woods, Robert DowneyJr. (Columbia)
The gold dotjnt exist beysnd Eric Kaplan says. "Robert Downey Jr. made me a true believerhe's the
microJTopic, economically Tom Honks of the '90s!")

34 SPY MARCH 1989

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THI liNt PlINY COHYINUID
ta,rvrovcrable level:, explaini
James Meyer. a killjoy a:
NASAA. T/X mineprobably is
nothing more than a godforsaken
patch ofdeier: sru6land.
Permits haten : been acquired.
7eií resse/is hat keen cooked up.
in shori. these dea/i are a rip-off
from the word so.
i: migb seem thai ¡ho iic:imi
of:/sese scams unu/df: a type
greedy. credulous. ¡enwsrIdI.
Bu: no: some of them are greedy
and credulous bu: qso:e
experienced in jome of the ways
oftix um-Id. Me/t'in Bell:. one of
America j premier ambulance
chasers and the ho of Bhopal.
loi: $300.000 in a dirt-pile
sr/seme masterminded by a
f urniture salesman in
California. in faa, the salesman
used a personal leuerfrom Belli
to promote the scam, u.'bich. all
sold, cois :ni'estors more than
$20 million.
JUDGE WAPNR1 DECISION.
WITh JUDGE HARDY, JUDGE
HARDCASTLE AND JUDGE
REWIHOLD CONCURRING ...
A rath« ordinary case involving
last year's (avocice non-gold-in-
dirt-pile scam, the Airplane
Game, managed to create some
curious legai histoy. In New
York. four plaintiff Kafen
Duncan, Victoria Meakin,
Maureen Schmalzbauer and
Elizabeth Brown were
latcomers co the game, which
is a variation on the old
pyramid scheme generic. When
it collapsed, they sued Laura
Norman and Haza Taicher the
two people who had brought
them into the racket. As part
of her defense, Norman
introduced a number of
decisions citing the doctrine of
unclean hands' - a doctrine
that holds that a defendant is
not responsible when the
plaintiff is equally guilty
including a decision issued by
Judgejoseph Wapncr of The
People's Cour: broadcw on
September 16, 1988.
Asjudge Wapncr learnedly
put it, ThiS whole thing, this
whole operation, is an illegal
operation. lt's all gamblingI
don't care whether you caH it
Pyramid or you call it Pilot or
you call it Crash Plane or what
you call it, it's illegal wait,
wait, wait, wait! Young lady. let
me finish. When it's illegal,
36 SPY MARcH 1989
THEY SHOOT BRAT PACKERS, DON'T THEY
A Peek Inside the Hollywood Handg:n Fantasy
'i12 the hot Santa Ana winds blow in from
the desert and the hairs on the nape oía man's neck
stand on end, most anything can happen. In Ray-
mond Chandler's California, it is then that a scream
echoes up from the valley or over the canyon or
across the hills. In Charlie Sheen's California, it is
then that the young, idle and well-to-do Califor-
nianthe one who feels an obligation to at least
playact the state's long-standing reputation for sor-
ç(w did, random violencesteps into the
l?1I
Beverly Hills Gun Club and spends
hours firing holes in menacing-look-
ing paper targets. Charlie Sheen,
confides his publicist, eager for his
now-sober client to seem alluringly
on-the-edge, practically has an arse-
nal. That Sheen is not the only celebrityfaux gun-
slinger is unsettling. Sylvester Stallone, Billy Crystal,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Raider running back Mar-
cus Allen. Sean Penn. Jamie Lee Curtis, Sheen's big
brother Emilio Estevez andhey, this really is
Hollywood - Madonna's agent's brother have gone
there to learn to aim and fire powerful handguns at
targets.
The Beverly Hills Gun Club is
not in Beverly Hills at all, but in
the wasteland between Century City
and the airport, in a flyspecked
' warehouselike building near several
'
movie studios and talent agencies.
Readers who have not managed to blot out all
memory of &verly Hills Cop II will recall the scene in
a shooting range that appeared to be in the high-
tech basement of a White's-like oak-paneled men's
club. In fact, the BHGC has about all the charm of
a bowling alley on league nightan imposingly
secure bowling alley, to be surewhere decorations
on the painted-plywood walls consist of a target
personally bullet-ridden by political
criminal - Super Password contestant
: G. Gordon Liddy, and a pinup of a
bosomy, gun-toting model with the
\ slogan You can't rape a
The decor, which contributes so
. .
much to the gritty, seen-it-all-before
atmosphere that so appeals to pretend G-men, car-
ries through to the fashion code. Regulars know to
dress down. The only people who wear suits are
agentstalent and FBI. In the afternoon, writers
show up in Banana Republic khakis, actors in
ripped jeans and cowboy boots. All of them put on
the regulation fashion equalizersprotective ear
coverings and shatterproof plastic eyeglasses.
BHGC attendants still snicker about the sartorial
faux pas of Romina Danielson, Peter Holm's goofy
girlfriend who swooned on the stand during the
HoimJoan Collins divorce trial. On the night she
visited the gun club she wore a skintight, see-
through black girdle skirt, stiletto heels and, appar-
ently, no underwear. She started grabbing my shirt
and coming on like a real vixcn, recalls discreet club
employee Chris Wise, and when that didn't work,
she made like she was going to tear
;-__ her own shirt off. Wise, ofcourse, is
not made of stone; he admits ro be-
ing impressed with the way Daniel-
l& 50fl handled the .38 Smith & Wes-
,
son Special her three Eurogent
companions had rented,
The range officers - the collection of retired cops,
exmilirary police, and completely sane and stable
vets who run the placehave a favorite celebrity
customer: Bill Paxton, star of Weird Science and Pass
the Ammo. This proves that while the range officers
may be able to make split-second distinctions be-
tween friend and foe, they don't seem to have a
working definition of celeMty. (Their least favorite
customers are Japanese nobodies. They love to
point a loaded gun in your face, says Wise. Then
they laugh like crazy.) -
Deborah Michel
OGRO[LINC IN OUR TIME
"Every life is a series of small miraclesif only we
can see them. Dan Wakefield's book helped me
see mine." James Carroll on Dan Wakefield's
Returning: A Spiritual Journey
"A beautifully told, passionate story,"
Wakefield on Carroll's Supply of Heroes
"By a good distance her strongest novel,"
Reynolds Price on Anne Tyler's
A Slipping-Down Life
"It's not just the tone that's right; it's the startling,
almost incongruous eloquence,"
Tyler on Price's Kate Voiden
"Both breathtaking and heartbreaking,"
Carolyn See on Josephine Humphreys's
Rich ¡n Love
"lt took my breath away."
Humphreys on See's Golden Days
- Howard Kaplan
 L
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MATSUDA
PRINTEMPSETE 1989
YUKJO KOBAYASHI PhotogrQphe: Juergen Teller

854 MADISON. AT 10TH. N Y. NY. (2I2988 9514

mñTc'UDñ
IU 461 PARK AVE AT 57fll. N.Y..N.Y. (212)9356%9

Design by Yukio Kobayashi. Photograpi by Juergon Telle-. Photograc Asystance by Stephane Grundi. Ha r and Make up by David Grainger. Copyright C 988 Ncole Co Ltd
 .

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WHEN HIGH PRICES
SEPARATED AT BIRTH? HAPPEN TO BAD Foou

TNt PINI PuNT CONTINUED
its gambling. and even ¡1 uts a
conttact, it's an illegal contract,
and you cannot collect on an
illegal contract. That's the long
and short of it. I don't care if
she cheated you out of the
money if it was gambling. . ..
You can't collect from her
because the contract's illegal.
The whole basis for it's illegal. I
don't think you even doubt me
that it's illegal. . . . Well. now
you know. . . . No more
airplanes and no more
passengers and no more crashes.
I'm judging for the defendanc.
But unfo«unately (or the
two defendants here, New York
law was interpreted differently
from Califomia Televisionland
law, and Judge Carol Äther
rejected the Wapner precedent.
The defendants' claim that they
were as victimized as che
plaintiffs was rejeaed by Judge
Äther. who observed that
Norman made more than
$10.000 and Taicher more than
$20,000, while the plaintiffs
lost between $750 and $1,500
apiece. She ordered the
defendants to reimburse the
plaintiffs.)
Donald Trump ... and the police sketch
of Son of Sam?
1 Zagat also compiles lists that, for some reason. ii
George Bush ... and socialite
Betsey Whitney?
Khste Alley . . . and Meg Foster?
very year, the Zaga: Neu' York City Restauran
Survey rates more than 700 dining establishments in
Manhattan, based no on the wisdom of professional
reviewers but rather on responses culled from several
thousand regular restaurant-goers . A quesrionnairc
asks diners to record the cost of their meal (includ1
ing one drink and tip) and then rate, on a scale of
to 30, food, decor and service. In addiion to
critique of each restaurant, Zagal publishes variou
lists of recommendations: Top Steakhouses, Tojl
Views and Super Buys. to name a few that
continually consult.
has kept secretincluding the worst values in Ne
York City dining, as ranked by an utterly mathe'
matical formula that divides the level of customei
satisfaction by the average cost of a meal. Published
here for the first time anywhere are last year's eleves
poorest culinary buys according to Zagal.
I. Elaine's 7. Sardi's
2. Regi ne's 8. The '2!' Club
3. Bel/ini by Cipriani 9. The Quilted Giraffe
4. Maxim's Io. Panoli Romapzissimo
5. Mortimer's i I . Sammy 'i Rumanian
6. Gloucester House Steakhouse
- Harriet BarovicA

INFOTAINMENT i 01
-I-i Lkople Magazine's Guidelinesfor Gossip-Collecting

eople magazine's list of contributor guidelines (circulated ofli-
cially ro freelance writers and unofficially to Rupert Pupkin-
esque celebrity hounds, friends of friends and other eavesdrop-
ping hangers-on) claims that covering an event for Chatter or
Take One [People's short-gossip-item sections) can be fun and easy
too!!!!Sound fun Easy? Are you willing to refer to well-known
people as celebs'? Then you just may have what it takes to dredge
celebrity small talk for People. And remember (as the guidelines
say), lf you aren't sure who is who, don't hesitate to strike up a
conversation with some of the nerds hanging out next to the bar.
They often recognize the celebs because they always come to
parties or because they're related to someone's cOusin.' Or be-
cause, like you, they're covering the event for People.
Other casually horrifying instructions from the People tip sheet:
L Always try to find the appropriate publicist when you enter the
party. He or she will probably agree to throw you up against
celebs and force them to talk with you.
2. Always try to eavesdrop a bit before you descend on a celeb.
Unless you have really great hearing you rarely get anything this
wa But it does make you feel like a real gossip hound and thai
gets you in the right mood.'
3. 'Any funny stories about the guest of honor? . . . II you fail witF
this line ofquestioning, don't despair. Most celebs have nothing tc
say about a guest of honor.'
4. Every celeb including the oft-encountered cement-brained
ones - can answer these questions: . . . What has the celeb bees
working on? . . . What does the celeb have planned for the fu'
turc? . . . When all else fails, sometimes it pays to ask a celeb whai
he or she did that day. Short-term memory always proves the mosi
fruitful.
5. 1f you can, try to find out if your celeb ever told your funny
story to another reporterand try to convince the celeb not to
repeat the story to others till you print i
6. The bribe method: Basically, you can only publicize the celeb'i
current project if you have an exclusive tidbit or a zippy story to
go with it. Remind the celebs about that and they may suddenly
remember something to tell you.' D

40 SPY MARCH 1989

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-t
 I J ¡(c).j
I((/e1'(
Dear Dr. Nick,
I am worried about a friend. He has a lot
going for himh&s rich, handsome,
friendly and shoots a mean game of golf.
Unfortunately, hes a trifle lazy, and he has
had to rely on family connections to get
him into schoolswhere he didnt even do
welland out of jams. They've also
helped him get work. For 12 years he has
had a good job in Washington. Recently he
got a big promotion. The trouble is, hes
not qualified for the new positionand ht
knows it. The change in his personality has
been startling. He used to be enthusiastic
and gung ho. Now hes nervous and un-
easy. He says things like There is nothing
that a good offense cannot beat a better
defense. Everything else he says sounds
like its been programmed or something,
and he seems overdependent on his new
associates. Most disturbing of all, hes
taken to comparing himself to John F.
Kennedy What do you thinkdoes he
need to seek professional help?
co-1O FOL! TAÑS
Sco
¡,1 k&wx-.
Bfore Af&r:
,K'/í4ftcr
4 SPY MARCH 1YS9
Time/y Advice Jrom the SPY Psychiatrist
Dr. Nick replies:
Rather than answer yes or no, let me pose a
feu' questions of own. Does your friend
really believe hes the equal o/John F Ken-
nedj. or is itjiist sorne sort ofcareerploy? If
he sincerely belier'es that, we may be dealing
uith pathological grandiosity - a worrisome
trait :fyourfriend ¡s, saj. a public serzant.
I uould ask u;hat it is about bis personal-
ity that allia)! allows him to be manipu-
lated by others. It could be dependent per-
sonality disorder uhereby someone allows fled for his new post. This suggests he has
others to assume responsibility for major
areas ofhis own life because ofan inability
to ftinaion independently.
Regarding yoitr assertion that he s a lit-
tIe dumb, I would ask how old your friend
is. If he un t that old, then certainly there
are signs o/ what we professionals call low-
normal intelligence or borderline intellec-
tuoi functioning. Psychological testing
would be able ¡o et'aluate his intellectual
capaci!) and deter,'nine hou' iìiuch it impairs
him.
SATHT's
A Regular SPY Service Feotur.
This Monihs Topic: Wine
e following classified ad appeared in a
Sunday Neu York Times:
.
LIQUtOATION
Will trade $250,000 bottle of wine
worth $350,000 for oportment, airplane
or boat. Must hquidate. 2'
Wc here at (212) 925-5509 dialed the
number in the ad and had the following
conversation.
What kind ofwine is this?
lt's a Thomas Jefferson 1787 Lafitte. No,
excuse mc a Chateau Margaux.
And why is it worth $350,000?
lt's a ThomasJeffcrson bottle. Its part of his
company. lts a piece of histoty
Say I had a Cessna I was willing to trade for
Furihertiiore, his reaction to his promotion
might bespeak an adjustment disorder,
which is a molodaptive reaction to an iden-
tifiable psychosocial stressor occurring
within three months of the onset of the
stressor. The .ítresior ¿n thu ase u the big
promotion. So I would ask, in determining
whether 1/Jere is an)' adjustment disorder,
did the reaction occur within three months of
the promotion?
Finally. you say he knows he is not quali-
some insight, which could mean a hopeful
prognosis. On the other hand, does he regu-
larly accept positions for which he feels un-
qualified? This suggests a reckless, impul-
sitie nature and a questionable moral fiber
¡he .utuffofwhich a sociopath is made.
(Dr. Nick, the nom de plume of an
actual psychiatrist, points out that he has
never seen or spoken to the subject, and
says that its highly irresponsible of him to
offer a diagnosis in a magazine. The sub-
ject. Dr. Nick notes. might he just fine.)
Goo Uusîiow
the nine. Could I taste the wi ne first?
No way.
Why not?
Because there's only one bottle.
So it s a reahy small bottle?
No, it's a regular-size bottle, You're saying
you want to open it and taste it and then
rescal ir?
Yes.
No wa
Then hou' do I know the wine is good?
How do I know the Cessna is good? How do
you know a piece of art is good? They sell
Picassos these days for $60 million. How do
you know any piece of art is good?
Um . . , trust?
That's right. Trust. - Paul Simmu
Tip O'Neill. Cardmember since 1973.

Me,nbersb4ì
has its prlvi1eges

_J . ' iid

1!I2 SQDbj
$S1&au(UL-

1)nì't icave home without it

Call 1-8(I)-luE CARI) to appi):

A few hundred feet
from the Fountain of
Youth (sought by Span-
ish explorer Ponce de
Leon in 1513) stands the
Tragedy in U.S. History
Museum (founded by
former gas and oil dis-
tributor L. H. 'Buddy"
F-tough in 1964), a public
attraction that is, like
the Frick, established in
a private home but, un-
like the Frick, jam-
packed with artifacts
from automobile and
train accidents, mcm-
orabilia of the John F.
Kennedy assassination
and a wide variety of an-
tique torture devices.
And while the Fricks
moved out of their Fifth
Avenue home a long
time ago, the Houghs
still live in their St.
Augustine, Florida,
museum.
The tourist guide to
St. Augustine includes a
listing for the institution
that promises docu-
NTIF BAtLET IJANCERS VIERE
SUBJECT TO LEASH LAWs?
: 1.3 a_m. lni n
tlII'.,1.l,,', I )tnLtri i. r
2i a. _ I ).tr i tr
rIu ' t lr' 'U(Ct1,
1220 p.i. L)tiì tr i itd t( .t I rue ( 'Lt idt
itil's t li.ttd k. ,I11'h(s lI)tI()fl
2.» p.s. Rirter h rr .r.tlar IllL1rr.ttu
. I kil' h '' t in
3:30 p.... Einhrr.tud h.1llrii.1 .tnd Peter tariiìs
,'- . :. et,tlIv lc,tlìu knt ted i )gether; must ast.
.JLw tu U!1Lt11Ie
44 $pY MARCH 1989
TE SPY T'p Ti
ments and pictures that
will "[put] you in the
mood" to "completely
understand the assassi-
nation of the Presi-
dent." In all, they prom-
ise, a visit will be "enjoy-
able and educational."
In fact, a visit to the
smallish wood-frame
house is like being a
trick-or-treater at
home where the owners
have gone all out for
Halloween. After pull-
in9 your car into the
graveled-over part of
the front yard, scan the
crudely illustrated signs,
even more primitive
cousins to the primitive
canvas banners adver-
tising sideshow freaks;
they proclaim the pres-
ence within of Famous
Movie Star Joyne Mans-
field's car (the one she
was killed in), President
Kennedy's car (not the
one he was killed in) and
Bonnie and Clyde's car
(the one they were killed
t r. 'in ltn cr'. 'l!.Lr .t:.
li itnul
i in, 'i .tri h thvx
.t rest1tur.tnt
L'
tr l.tri r .tuL lus ir h hu.t
Henry A/for;
. áfl/a1'(f ('i/i,
SPRING VACATION EDITION
1, i \ ¡h .l'u.'ii'
in, but in the movie).
Step up on the porch
and ring the doorbell,
Fuller brush man-style.
As you wait for an an-
swer there's plenty of
time to scrutinize the
front window displaya
toupee-wearing, rifle-
toting wax figure of Lee
Harvey Oswald peering
a through the glass, Texas
School Book Deposi-
tory-style. He looks like
William Shallert, Patty
Duke's TV father.
Once admitted, you
are left pretty much on
your own to stroll
through four crowded
rooms and an open area
out back. lt's quiet
enough to hear through
the walls that the mu-
scum curators are
watching TV game
shows. The indoor col-
lection is dominated by
JFK murderabiliawith
a few old-fashioned
shackles and bear traps
tossed in near the exit.
The promised assassi-
nation-related automo-
biles serve as the undis-
putcd centerpieces,
though they are weirdly
tangential to the event:
the car Oswald was
given o litt in on the
morning of November
22 in Dallas, a limo Ken-
nedy rode in but not in
Dallas, and the ambu-
lance that carried Os-
wald to the hospital of-
ter he was shot On the
wall near the latter is a
signed 8 X1O glossy of
Red YagerRed Yager,
the fateful driver of the
Oswald ambulance.
Here too is the fumi-
turc from Lee Harvey's ping posts and old gasa.
Dallas apartmentbed, line engines, as well as o
bureau, his actual wagon, supposedly of
pocket comb. Concern- Civil War vintage, pulled
ing this display is o let- by a life-size plaster
ter from Oswald's sore- horse.
head widow saying she Over by the bushes
wants no part of Buddy ame the Jayne Mansfield
Hough or his collection. vehicle, with sheared-off
The museum acquired roof, in which the starlet
the assassin's furnish- died, and the bullet-rid-
ungs directly from Os- dIed Bonnie-and-Clyde
wald's landlady, Mary mobile in which actors
Bledsoe, who vouches pretended to die.
for their authenticity in The museum had
another letter hung trouble for many years
nearby. The letter gaining membership in
doesn't mention that the St. Augustine cham-
part of the deal for the bem of commerce. Ac-
furniture was that cording to that body's
Hough repair the roof executive vice presi-
on hem rooming house dent, Coralee Pomar,
porch. this was primarily be-
The museum curators cause "no one could
nowhere define what vouch for their hours of
exactly they mean by operation" and bccaus
tragedy, or for that mat- Mr. Hough would "take
ter American history. It parts of the museum up
might otherwise make to Gatlinburg at
. . .
problematic the indu- will." In 1987 the mu-
sion of old blacksmith scum was finally
tools and a genuine accepted.
whiskey still. Theme's no The curiously punc
question about the tuatcd flier for this tour-
video game in the last ist spot may explain
room, though. It's just some of the underat-
for fun. tendance: DON'T DARE,
An apparently mum- MISS SEEING THIS MUSEUM.
mified corpse, whose - Steve O'Donnell
tragic place in Amen-
can history is also unex- The Museum of Tra gcd
plained, resides in a in U.S. History, 7 Wi!-
glass case by the back hams Street. Take Inter
door. lt holds a hand- state 95 fo State Rood
lettered sign asking 16 exit. Go cost scvn
LONESOME TAKE ME HOME miles. Turn right (south
WITH YOU FOR $3000 a on San Marco Avenuc
seamless intersection of (one block east of U.S.
exhibition space and 1), then left on Williams
gift shop. Street. Admission is
In the fenced-in back- $3.50; the museum is
yard is a weathered or- open every day from
ray of headstocks, whip- 9:00 am. until dark.
Jessica Tandy and Hurnc ( r iiviì . ( ardtìicmhcrs sincc 1978.

Membership
Has Its Privlleges

I)unt tcac hOfllCWiitllOtIt il

( all l-8O- l'li!: (1R/) 1 (1/)/)/

THE Li SMITH
lOTE BUARO
..' ¡1(flt)I)
Barbaro Walters .
Elizabeth Taylor .......... 4
Dan Aykroyd ............... 3
Bill Blass ...................... 3
The Carlyle ................. 3
Robert De Niro ............ 3
icone Kirkpatrick ........ 3
Henry Kissinger ........... 3
Henry Krovis ............... 3
Mike Nichols .............. 3
Mike Oviti .................. 3
Sean Penn ................... 3
Robin Williams ............ 3
Tom Wolfe .................. 3
Mery Adelson ............. 2
Brooke Astor ............... 2
Arlene Francis ............. 2
Mary Martin ............... 2
The Liz Smith
Tote Board ............... i
I
I ' I
I I
My pal Donald Trump
. .. said that spi masa-
zine is in trouble finan-
cially and will not be
around much longer. I
chided the handsome
mogul, of whom I am
very fond
should not indulge in
wishful thinking. He
. .
said, No, youil find
this is true if you 'ust
investigate.
they won't even be
around ¡n a year.'"
Liz Smith in the
Daily News.
September 29, ¡988
1rs,
46SPYMARCH f989
VHY SIIOULDNTTHE MAYOR HAVE HIS OvN D0MINATRIX?
'LI/I) I :'i ['aui: ïhe Koch W'iirkoii4
7 t 6:15 a.m. three to five days a week, a tall
bald stroke victim with a pear-shaped body stops ¡n
at the pricey Executive Fitness Center. There, on the
22nd floor of the Vista International Hotel, he is
put through a 45-minute workout of less than
Olympian rigor.
1ts more like baby-sitting than fitness rraining,
explains Maria Versella, the 25-year-old fitness
ounselor whose job it is to train the mayor of New
York City. He once said to me, i'm just like a little
child, arent I? And I said, 'Yes, and that's exactly
how I'm going to treat you.'
He just about sleeps through his routines, con-
tinues Maria, a graduate student of exercise physiol-
ogy. He'll ride on an exercise bicycle with his eyes
dosed the whole time. More typically, the grunting,
moaning mayor will trudge in place on a treadmill
for 30 minutes. With a fan cooling his substantial
brow, he will trot against a 5.5 percent tilted grade
at 4.2 miles per hour (meaning the mayor jogs a
slightly-better-than- 1 5-minute mile). Although the
aging politician frequently loses his balance, even at
this faintly brisk pace, Maria gives little quarter. He
kisses my hand in the hope that I'll slow down the
I treadmill, she says. Then he holds on to the rails,
,,,..,,,,..v.,,,,v,,v.
1
njT&u
. that he n f:A]
I predict
Th
"I%Ip
I'74)(f (W.,
which is cheating. II I walk our, he may shut off the
treadmill. I have to check the mileage meter.
Mayoral hand kisses are unseemly enough, but
Maria must endure even worse: While he's work-
ing out he'll listen to Barbra Streisand on a headset
and sing along. His singing is really deadly to listen
to in the morning, especially when he does 'The
Way We Were.'
Neither a Republican nor a Democrat, Maria has
a policy of neverevertaking any gulf from the
mayor. Instead, when he talks fresh to her, she talks
fresh back. The other day he came in and said,
'Good morning, little girl. And I said, 'Good
morning, old man. i treat him as I would anyone
else. I dont call him Mayor, eithereven though
everyone else does. I call him Darling.
The mayor, a member of the fitness center's Gold
Club ($350 initiation fee, $1,500 annual dues),
outfits himself in a club-supplied uniform of blue
shorts, snug white T-shirt, white athletic socks, and
sneakers. Usually happy to wear silly costumes and
pose for photographers, he prudently forbids the
taking of any pictures during his workouts. For
once, Maria equivocates: He looks interesting. Just
say he looks interesting. - Robert Bred;'
V ?
Q
i/c'i
Spielberg uil/I see YOU new!"
JLICS Clavell. (:ar(Imc'1I)ersincc 1967

/I'Ie?;thelshi/)
Has Its P,ii 'ikgesM

flI3CL

1)nt 1uLC1)IflCVVitl)OUt iL
( i!f I '«Y).77IIfCARI)toa/)/)IE
 -
(i.
q! (( 'f«)( ((/J
(J
.
LAUGHTER, THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE
Today New York Tomorrow Nice, The Hague, Riyadh and Tel Aviv

n a very sincere plea for global peace, we at py believe that gssneddossr Doqjld irxw4p de Vilgaire sei de k.,r: t tigiri ri h: citv-ifeeelgrwd. Syliviter de Slqqv

world unity can be achieved by talking with one another in the fj//qq îvipsvrd io: 4rt eee((rdrdaglql( reel gv::bi ,i cpetl-Dnh' Wv.it a de b:iriesiltji, aiw
s 5I'iiiii the Cvsiiøi SiaIIon.
only language we all have in commonthe international language L.ai,n.ce Tush. de durrg rai de ¡asir,', "ici hoi euelseq" o) zn,r:, .sl, *.snolrt Odi,
Lsqasiwc. Tê.ch. ib. d.si4 hiwi Pli. s,d.n ih hs,ls .e
of laughter. So we crafted a manifesto, painting our prose with ilergeTe /ngrn d.' bswd.rKhap

broad, flag-size strokes rather than the chiaroscuro and gossamer Verte/ges,:. blij/ bi/ hei xi prv«rasnraJ: ks'dbbel 5)1 SP1O i/s Mli kirie l::t s .i he6i.eq roer dv

scumbling ofdelicate idiom that mark our usual manner. Subtlety /J,vq 9() Di: i. lMt qq, orn op de :/o'vi n'o,lrs" te kloppv. de oMde i .,thept,hkfd t, devi, barsten eq iv
I,

fell victim to our revolutionary zeal. We contacted some of New a's te ii:qqvq to:f de Gtppvr' -/,giearlik gesprsskes, sric 6vzs: ,re, oh he hi re si-:,r dan vos to

York's best foreign-language translators and asked them to join us t'ei .vprsv met ip::ihoedess en slobkoq:cs. Elke Ns:ag si ven iuMs isvr,ê :.,i ¿iv! gitffe,Ñiisvai " Hei
chucbkfili.d
in our impassioned pursuit of this pan-Utopian goal. One diligent kirn sii seu.sidrn.krake,i" mr: cvi flue::uzdr 6'rm' ¿'rire dc ¡p::i. ei fiak-ipls:us-: v'i aide's
i, b.w.l.c,iwk.,s
' u4istliø, b.n
expert very carefully and very literally translated the text below hiur-kletite, :osRskld:g gvmaak: uit Iii1 elkaar pssisevsde s':erkaisqvs

into French. Then the French version was translated by another lVvrs Jajrvm eve irsdel." AÑqi,eer i
bi o .5 Th.,.f.i. . q.s
skilled professional into Dutch, the Dutch into Arabic, the Arabic
into Hebrew and the Hebrew back into Englishuntil the quin- ARAIK: ._- a . _ 't- _ : "--- - bi )....-.

. . . A..w i,wsUw. lis i wyf.k 5w. I«ss - hi wyk. bolfi

tuply translated py manifesto of peace lit up the globe like an i Siww« Hiwi: b4*4OOfl C. :- . - . -s---
,s*kii.
- /.- . . -

aurora borealis of mirth and good cheer. In retrospect, maybe this V.,.. If vid. e aies. end i,. ke.e. sed ,see i. Sumes ¡uSuel. siw.iw.ft We bsn.yrcssiMi. w' ceich hi.
-wekj,rn.- :
wasnt such a great idea.

ENGLISH: spy magazine: Smart. Fun. Funny. Fearless. And, we . __,p, _, - . ,k__ . . ,.,. . . s.
_ _- - . :-
-

don't mind adding, the only antidote to the nutty, head-spinning J___ .-'-

whirligig ofdaily life in this or any international megalopolis, each .--- :.ii: .-_- .. . A?..

issue a virtual Swiss Army knife of postmod journalism. Fed up e

-? ( .
.ss-1,- C'-- ::
b. . s usss.wnI 4 _, fii*e.s Su.d.w.sy fIIIboS,USIIN.
with short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump and unbearable
Play-Dohfaced homunculusaction toy Sylvester Sly Stallone?
Want the inside line on high-domed garden gnome Laurence HUUW: ...srv ni-r .'»s' gy, r's' ,i,si w

Tisch or marionettish former frat-boy Dan Quayle 1'!.,l-1, ?i3 'wy, 113
-si'st: rir 'y'syr x' ':'

Then get with the program now: pencil in SPY on your shortlist ::,q r"t"' »' ' n11, l-I' y roi
ofmust-haves for the nineties. lts time to hit the gridiron, toss the .r-,r,pi -s'y i

old pigskin around and win one for the Gipperfiguratively

speaking. spy's got more pizzazz and panache than a barrelful of ;'sivy 'y' fl?' fl'IvP rl,;'''-s ''yl, nvtv, i'o

monkeys in top hats and spats. Every issue is a brand-new VV '',1,'?); o',FSK 'W O' 5UD (,i-v 'n v"',)

chucklefestchock-full of over-the-top, whiz-bang gut-busters, _,,, r,.,n,3

sidesplitters and other assorted scrupulously fact-checked knee- .flq;, -'n'y n pin-i n ..q 'o'' ii', i',r 'K
slappers. So don't be a dork. Subscribe now.
ENGLISH AGAIN: spy's magazine: closet, bad joke and anecdote.
,D4c* ag.t Pfos E1r,,: Arkum,',: iw;aN. ftdoiiii purr' E: o, , fauowi pi Lcss comuwre. Was not a mirage donc in addition flew against
II.n$. Au, .IIHISIMIfW. AmwsM,. L...
I (IprIl ,, dJIt,OP?JRt .,,usd.0 a tóunuqwr: .s hi irotx r ¡eu' de qiveiiztIIv de la sir and on the single metropolis, spinning on its axis shaped like the
6kr55J1ilY dr ,u, ii toNte diet', meaI'poI:i ,ivterwatviivaír C.h.sqMe tort:, is,, oMisas, r triad de head of a stick to the song of love for everyday life to this or any
.
I
th. only .s,ftd.ts t. 5h. u,s.4ss.d.d ,ø.olviis, 4... .f di.5.ø .f d.iy 1sf q
Ia'wqet q,iiv Jq joir,isI:i,ie dv wods pouvrleisrr Noirrs ris h.iut p.sr D.sId Trw'sp Ir Vulgaire .mx other big city. Any exit to drowning a real Swiss army to methods
eekrt £SOS1J C, pr Is !'' .1 . ::on. y/sstrr .f, StiIloqe.'
s
isssiilis, . 1tsr;zepportbI, s tssge dr of the popular press. A restaurant above Donald will welcome
5t, -Wily- SIsUIsI
Jokv-Ddh I'.'i loisir: ¡a /iglu I intasear, ¡se, Lakreike Tuch. ¡e gsrssv dc jard:is Is.iq:,-d..ws', q the vulgar with short fingers and game of labor. Sylvester
nIq, w,t( R,tr7Qqett, oasi Qse.iylv. gar'o sursessr Jr ¡a Fra:rns,te>is Cheater Stallone as a muscle to an unreasonable point in a form
b.y of 1h. k.*.sIs..d
E'v,h,k, J)rZ .sse le /'rvgYJJ'SA$ v.,:sstriJi (rdoKsxfZ t ESPION mr Iotrr ceirt, (life dis obisgét of a mixed game: if you want an internal line to Laurence Tisch
d.s,'cur poe' Is's 90. C.,: ll.r de .ogv' iùr la grill, dc Jet. de fain s.si:s'r la stalle pea. Je csrhosr like the embarrassed bride Dan Quayle son of the seventh brother.
(t deq ig'srr NW ps,q, le Gsppe' -figrsetIs'emtIst prlasvt. tss'it» a plie: d oli l. l e: le pah Following this leave the nations plans: mix the spy on your
qkkns £imqsse ple:t de ,sise, vis shssprsex de sommet it g'trrJ. Chasis iritis r,! NRC sTolssvlle short height to rich people's world, forever to the nineties. This
usarqNe ¿e fei::s4 dv g/oNiuiasesu; Cale ple:ssr de s 4iie-oy.i1X dii 64J7 JIffiJIt5 /'J Icisii le will be the hour to hit on an iron tool, to blast the old pigskin and
s wh4i5liusg b.is
de /cstdeiri dv ;ieJ .. ¿trvs laqq,wrs de gessois' faits u rpklrasieiseist JrviJh .iiiOrttj
.1 you will have one to the man. The spy to him is more La-Ri-Ra
o sqhft..s .1 th .dei sed oth., bon,. .1 kiwi
Alcr is soyez pa soir uit/Ir ' Soktirzle: isasntrqaist and methods from a barrel high above the others. Any exit place
r d.øl b. .
will be a new sign for a festival of laughter. A waiter signaled with
DUTCI+ spt(n. isagassse Eleait imkir"seirt Ami.sss: M,ssder srsk F* isv snakri ;frook interest to bombs at strict accuracy with empty hands on a narrow
i And w. más sso bwii
do." bet ,n:e :eges,gsfbij te toegen a.i.v be: drze&k rite: 'site's sa dr ,vrw i.e's ui ip:ivi:s.kkop s.s.s ne: position and slaps knees of others manufactured with concern.
d.sgvlstk. ¡rien sun dv:, veigv aulne :irer,,dt,os,a/c esrt.ilop.lvs. Therefore don't be drafted. Take for granted the nation's
File s:g «n eh: mii ,an ha Zu:ticrse ¡sgr sais sidsioqrssali,:sk je hirns., &syq.aan cooperation. Paul Sirnrns

48 SPY MARCH 1989

For a taste of DeWilder life, try the new
Wild Fling: 1½ oz. WilclerBerry,' 4 oz.
pineapple juice and a splash of cranberry
juice over ice. Like anything that gets
mixed-up with DeKuypei; it's DeFinitely
out of DeOrdinary

DeLiciously DeKuyper
Mq?Ç.n1ias.mc1 L*ywur. 5fl.aI TO thd hJbn D.«uvperai,d Sai. E3mnd PIao.OH
III Thwwi ajfl ot I)oXuvpr nui M42.$ÀI,L 1E n,, I $&NBE.THRE(w,i.1 where prohnhiled by law)
 No flip out.

It's the world's first Print Video lhke it out. Give it a flip.
Or if this one is gone, get. yours wherever DeKuyper is sold.
 r
i ?If/
'I
THE FYIN VALLEHUAS: FAMOUs AERIALISIS?
j),,.,, e,., I?cì,, ; (J'i. (./'du?is. IflIt,,n. !c ;
Basketball Playeri and Practically Everyone Eise in These Precarious Times?
veryone knows who the Flying Wallendas arc. Or do they? We
conducted a random survey and found considerable disagree-
mentand learned, moreover, that while few are born, many are
called Flying WaHendas.
Edwin Diamond, New York's media critic, contends that News-
week's former top editors were the Flying Wallendas: Osborn
Elliott, Kcrmit Lansner and Gordon Manning . . . along with their
senior editor colleagues, became known as the Flying Wallendas
«he Neu Rep#b/w, February 28, 1983).
Scott Ostler of thc Los Angeles Ti,,ies disagrees. He says the
Jacional Basketball Association's Dallas Mavericks are the Flying
Wallendas: (Abdul-Jabbar's) shoukkrs have become a launching
pad for fRoy) Tarpley and the Flying Wallenda Mavcricks (Los
May 31, 1988).
4ngeIesTéiies.
Me! Gussow. Off-Broadway theater critic for The New Ywk
Tirns, has his own opinK)n. He argues that the little-known clown
Jango Edwards is a singular Flying Wallenda: Srrapping wings to
ius elbows, rippling his muscles so that they can be seen up in the
balcony, he is a Flying Wallenda abotit to jump from the EifFel
Tower' (The New York fimes, October 1 3, 1 98 i).
A fashion writer at the Los Angeles Times isnt sure but thinks
.Lc(ress Cloris Leachman might be a Flying Wallenda. Cloris
Leachman . dashed clown the aisle so fast that she looked like a
Flying Walknda. But a pretty one (L'is unge/es Times, June 10,
1988).
Roger Neal of Forbes is defensive when it comes co his opinion
.ibout who belongs in the Flying Wallendas. Lee Ault IlI, be
writes, is as much a Flying Wallenda as a businessman (Forbes,
'ovcmber?l. 1983).
UPI wont say directly who the Flying Wallendas are but is
tonfident that rheyre the sort of outfit one obscure midwestern
stare4egislator would feel comfortable in. 1f the Flying 'X1a1-
lendas need a new recruit, [Indiana] state senator Patricia L.
Miller has earned the job (UPI Recional News. March 9. 1988).
TEN YEARS AGo N SPY
"A reputation as a sexual adventurer has dogged Bush,
and the rumors are sure to gain momentum as the mod-
erate Bush prepares to run against a phalanx of right-
wingers (Connolly, Reagan, Congressman Phil Crane) in
next winter's primaries and caucuses. Bush has been
linked romantically with everyone from a longtime aide
to a Timos journalistand, less believably, to o young
Indiana Republican congressman named J. D. Quayle."
from "Lillian Carter's Gonorrhea and Other Wacky
Washington Rumors," by David Owen, SPY, March 1979
'e! .St' :..,; :
Ann-Morgret. it seems. used to be a Flying Wallenda, and was
able to draw upon that experience in playing the tragic belle
Blanche DuBois. Dealing with her torments, her repressed desires
and her dreams has been a little like being a Flying Wallenda, she
said (The New York Times, August I 4, 1983).
Some people won't say who the Flying Wallendas are, but they
arc swift to find Flying Wallenda-ness in themselves and others.
Movie Producer and Rocky costar Talio Shire claims she and her
husband, Jack, are Flying Wallendas: We are the Flying Wal-
lendas of movie financing' (UP!, April 3, 1986). Art spud Jamie
Wyeth told The Christian Science Monitor that he and his folks
could also be Wallendas when their works arc exhibited together:
We . . . have always fought against having shows like this. . .
Its sort of like (being) the Walkndas of painting' (The Christian
Science Monitor, July 8. 1987). Reporter Jerry Knight thinks that
arbitrageurs. greenmailers and leveragcd-buyout specialists are
Flying Wallendas: Takeover strategists [are) the Flying Wal-
lendas of high finance (The Washington Post, September 13.
1982). Finally, Bryan Miller, restaurant critic for The New York
Times, insists, 'The estimabk Rostang clan from France [are) the
Flying Wallendas of French cuisine (The New York Ti,ne.c, January
8, 1988).
There is one man who knows who the Flying Wallendas avi't.
Loyola Marymount basketball coach Paul Westhead, the former
coach of the Los Angeles Lakers whose bring was engineered by
Magic Johnson, acknowledged after a game against the University
of North Carolina, We werent the Flying Wallendas today,'
leaving open the possibility that he thinks that on other days they
may be (Los Angeles Times, March 20, 1988).
Ironically. Karl Wallenda, the now deceased patriarch of the
Wallenda clan, disliked the name Flying Wallendas because it
connoted trapeze work, which the Wallendas (lidnt do. He much
preferred The Great Wallendas.
Too late now. Eddie Steni
C'n tòke t'Jet
arid Lìai.
o-k C'tY'S fòO5 cb\S
b0t&°-' bus t0u.
ARAB
AI.ARM! YI
The OPEc
chemo to Seduce
York Cít)
. ..-; C
tAR( H ''ì SPY ';
 Go Fish
Pan1l:?i' /iir Spare (J;ançc in ía,i/itlani l',,iiiíiii

nce upon a tinic I1anhattan's fountains ghtrercd with a wealth of submerged pennies. nickels and quarters the oprornetallk spo
left by wandcring bands of wish-makers and peniìv-a-sho drauiers. But tlwn. (or Sorne reason, people stopp<d making wishes. N1a
we Ios( the childlike sense of wonder and gullihditv that OflcC led us to make wishes. Maybe loose change got scarcer. But whatever
reason, one t1iins tor sure: aiiatk Coin-prospecting in midtown Manhattau isn't what it was hack in 49.

Paramount Plaza, 1\v ptiintc' Thick meringue of green foam [)csptte obvious presence of two pennies iii tountain,
Broadway and over drains; watchful eyes of sweating building manager denies that people ever throw change
51st Street aerobicizers in adjacent Living Well it, saying, Nope. Nope. Nope
Lady Fitness Center

Lincoln Center, Four pennies In 'There's a mechanism in the fountain that Money thrown into fountain (as much as 12 cents a
Broadway arid prohibitively deep makes it so that no one would want to week) funds maintenance of fountain and, presumably,
63rd Street water jthrow coinsl, says a sPokesman. Mech- the notorious mechanism'
anism' involves a lot ofpipes and
things'

Exxon Building, Six pennies Coins accessible only by wading through Custodian can keep whatever he finds, though 'a lot of
Sixth Avenue and soggy leaves and unnaturally white foam it's taken care of by the local characters . who make a
.

50th Street tour very early in the morning'

McGraw-Hill A single penny Volkswagen-size stainless-steel model of Despite empirical proof, building manager insists people
Building, solar system in fountain disorients would- never throw money in fountain because it's 'not a wishing
Sixth Avenue and be prospectors, as do watchful diners in well'
48th Street adjacen BeanStalk restaurant

Tropic Zonc Seven pennies, 'Monkeys, crocodilians, snakes, hats, in- Even though coins (as much as i 7 cents a week) go into
waterfall in two nickels, sects, free-flying birds, and many other zoo's petty cash, zoo discourages tinaulicited projectile
Central Park Zoo numerous bird tropical species,' according to brochure contributions, which arc 'bad for the animais.' Spokes-
droppings person also notes that the zoos 20 bodies oí water 'arc
and dead insects not wishing wells'

IBM Plazas Slice can, cigarette Rushing water, wet garbage Cleaning crew permitted to keep change, hut cultured PR
Levitatcd butts, paper bags, person notes, 'It's not the Fountain olTrevi'
Mass fountain. foil-wrapped hail
56th Street and sandwich.
Madison Avenue one penny

Bethesda Fountain, Bottle caps Extremely easy access causes fierce compe- Spokesperson says the fountain is 'more or less self-
Central Park titiofl among coin-(lredgers cleaning; passersby usually take care of the change. Also
travel'savvy he adds, k's not like the Fontana di Trevi

Prometheus Fountain, No coins visible Precipitous drop to fountain necessitates -I don't think there's a policy set for that,' says a
Rockefeller Center rappelling gear Rockefeller Center spokesperson, who made no mention
ofthc Fountain of Trevi

Steuben Glass Approximately i 3 Forage at your own risk: construction 'On the average, we collect about six dollars a week,' the
reflecting pool, cents in assorted workers across Fifth Avenue may he building manager says. 'At the end of the year we give it
Fifth Avenue and coins tempted to pitch life-threatening, to the Salvation Army'
56th Street high-velocity pennies from 53rd floor

Trump Tower Lots of pennies, Change can be rcahed only from a single Every one to three weeks, fountain cleaners collect about
Atrium, nickels and dimes fountainside table at Bistro caf s 18 in small change. Trump employee says money is
Fifth Avenue and donated to Unïtcd Cerebral Palsy and the Ilice Athletic
56th Street League, or any charity that comes to mind, (hen adds, 'I
don't know why I'm so cooperative with you guys when
you always write such garbage about us. I guess I should'vt
said it goes straight into Mr. Trump's pocket, right"

Paul

2 SPY MARCH 989

I)L!vER PEOPLES
"'y-
 . (1.
.'a
C i A R E T T E
SPY's REviEws You CAN U SE
IR O?) :/i '('UP! U ¡ti' \fr Io?Jd-A(ïtr

(?(I hI4r(I lOtS 01 JeCb1C S.Ly tILt vervone knows ahoui the honorable SEAT AVAILASILITY: (UR)(l
M(I.tt)I(: Griffith, thc griveI1y voiccd star of tradition t1flOfl show people of sliing AuDiicE Htiuii*ss IN EXPLAIIING STORY k
Yo"icthing li'.// and WiiAjiiç Girl. Into theaters at Intermission in order to FAR: Excellent
s;noIkrI on -scrcn ; fl( ) v( underst and cath a PliYS seu)Ild att. Once UOfl a A guy shoots himself in die ear an
wha( (htV iiu:.tu. riFfle. a penniless actor would do this iii thcn che rt:inors scart. explains ale
ordc-r to see :h work. Todas', e'en though whos in town (O learn about tolletring an
.
Ie1anie Griffith sits 'i ria Hoor . . Anieruan cheater is dea1. actors still sneak at Sotlwl,vs. Its alniost too funn 1w
Iighcsng ()flÇ Igarerrc tri in hu Iiit . .
i_ .
In for Iree - and now t) a:i drawls WItll4flIt sarcasm.
Sh: cxhaks .* toluinn ut II1Ik(. . . Lets .
I leres how: Sonic of the guests at the dinner par
put it this jy. Grilfith ,ays. akitg a long l.eave VOLIt ovCr(nat att honie. folti ali know abotit thc- shooting and some (IOn t.
(Irag . S1(. ttfl)S her izarcrte. . . . old P/aim/I Ufl(lCr your ariil and bring says a young nian in a tweed jak&
flkLs ari invisible spxk of cobJc(o troni .ilong i transiLicelir 1'1aSt LIp. Arrive at Therç's a lot of slapstitk.
hcr lip afl(1 rciLglirs. Prepijure. Dcceniber the theater a kw minutes before th end of THE WoRK: Some good bits. but not enough
1988 tue first at t and loiter in Iront. out of view timi: in tlit sei.ond act ( SQ minutes)
Shc was stiiokiig a long In(rlthoI ciga- of the lobby staff. liiig1e with the rovd (leVlO the tharacters fully. (:on°enieticl
rrte. . . On the floor ixt to the hair lay
.
thai spills our ()flt() the street tor fresh air at though . Si mon accom inodates lateome
litipack of cigarettts. an tshtr.iv. Iictwecii intermission . t lieti stride ptiTl'IOSCIUI Iv into - 411(1 dull-wirted first-aut-rs - by having
.tppli(atIoflS ot brush .iiid sponge. lit slic.
the liibbv with sour cup in hand. Hang the characters reap the entire plot as the
tir. . Shy haLf lwr ugaretics. \X(: had an
. .
artflifld unturtiveiv and wait until the last SC(011il act Opelis.
ashtr.iv. . . She l.nightd and put Utit her
.
possible moment co take an available seat.
cigarette. - D(1I1i.. 1)eteinbcr -January Figuring (Rl! the plot so tar sla)L1lclr1t be a
1989 trLIetii, especially for those acctistozne&l
tI) Wttt hing TV with a rniote-control de-
Oiie in a dream movie. she lit a black 'ice_ Seule in enjoy the satisting (eel-
I11(l

dgirett& ith gold tip. I .tlw.ivs t

ins ihtr votire one up on th Peapack
l:ghr ii igarer (('. i r h a gold ip. 1ie t
orthodontist Silt lug neXt R) i)U.
explained. Lanr I iive tile tip io thc
. . .
The following is a up sheet tor getting PLAY: ¡.4'g.f Diamond. scarring Peter Allen -
%vaItet. - ì%F'ic': .z' Fzl,:. March I 988 Into tV() fiore 01 less Lurrent Broadway Mark I lel!inier Theatre. 'Vest 5 1 st Street
- .%Id,k .zl/;er shovs ncither nt which is a sellout. and RGULAR TICKET PRICE (ORciiisTltA): $5(i
OIIC nl vhkh. 1r. seoiid-A«cr (cars. ni.i FIRsT ACT CURTAIN: t). 7 p.m.
001V be avuilalile through Peter Alkils pri- SeCOND ACT CURTAIN Up: 9:34 l'

spy SHOWCASES vate Video Iibrar l.y the iinc this issLie USIR AURTNIss: Nonexistent
SCCS print . hrlwr va. Mr. Seond-Atcr I) r is completely unguarded.
TOMORROWS STARS TODAY I)ror11lss: Your c' enhlig OU dic town viIl S(AT AvAILAIIUTy: Very good
(eel ligluer. brecicr. lcs filling. \';'hcn I ask if I may nhuvC down. an
pLY BiLL usher shows me to a seat iO front row
oenter. Other open seats can be tooth
left rear of orchestra.
MAJOR AUDNCE HELPFULNESS 14 EXPI.ANUNG STORY SO
TOM
FAR: ileUtllLlSLaStIt.
Iitt-rinission ero(I doesn't seem to
Igl 'ery good spirits. To the lLIcSt10 Did
Sirnon
Pu..y: Nei I R#,,mr.t - Broadhurst ITIiSS aiiything a man with a large tre
Theatre. 2.5 WCSC 44th Street head replies. Not muLh. A lot happeiwd

r4S REGULAR TICKET PRicE (ORcHESnA):

FIRST ACT CURTAIN: 9:04 p.m
kCOND ACT CURTAIN Up: 9: I H pin.
USHER AURTNEss: Moderate
I()
]he lone guard in tue 1ohh' is a short
gray mati dressed in an old-fashioned
brown LIO ilorm , ilK I udirig a laL1f1ur-styIe
cap with s.ut:rniui stitched across ts brim.
Hc glares. )'(t remains inert.
54 spy MARCH 1989
biir ir doesni inarrer.
Costumcs are great. but Id rather
him ai Radio City, says a man with a
earring.
THE WORK: Halfhearted plot and lavis
\'egas-v pro(luction numbers make to
high-entertainment-value second act an
One that SeemS USt right at half the k-ngtl
of rue normal Ligs. - Skte S/oil
 West East
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f humongous closets, at these
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fling lobby with doorman One-bedrooms from

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Associates, do Eichner Proper
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terms are in an offering plan ON BROAD ve sales and
available from Sponsor. ng agent:
CC87-050. Prices sub- JAMES CHARLES
ject to change. At last, a both-brainer. STEWART, INC.

:: : : :
(#tafl)(
I. ((/7
i:isivi
here was an all bu audt-
hic, sigh ol rclie(
breathed by those who
.,ittcnd cerain T:p,ie.c
¿1agazI?w SttW meccings
.1% word made its way
through rhe dingy offices tha J1(ideS editor
Ku hIlltrsI)Il was Ieavil)g to betonw CX(1(I-
ti.e vdi(or ot 1lpthaitap,. zn. Erncrsons
coIIcagll(s xviII no doubt miss his special
bran(l ()I VitttlO%() bu!1'kiSsiflg - a skill
honed over s'ears oÍ osculation at the back-
sidc ol bis mcntor. deposed TiPlleI 1agazz?l(
editor Ed Klein. ( Ruin-kissing does have
its rçwards. however: ii was Klein who
sugesred to I%lfn/,aIIafl. i,i. editor (..lay
l:clkcr that Lmcrson would be just the sort
ol l)rI)wnnosing toad . . . whoops, I/i2I u io
Ji). . . . stalwart . independent editor Felker
vas looking for.)
Although tlw .kparttirt of an egrc.gious
favor-curricr is alwsys cause br celebration
;trnting rhc nascs at nw Tiniri. it is nut the
50k eXplatflatiofl fist the guarded elation.
l:merson. it scçnis. is such an on-the-go
,
I:. - -I- . ). I. i
sornethiiig of a repur.i-
tion (or neglecting his posttoilet toilette.
And so at the stafF meetings oLleagties
would assemble earls' in order to niake
fevered grabs tor che assorted gunitny fish
and caramel nibs in the omniunal (andy
tray before he arrived. When he did. hed
thrust his hand into the sweets di%h in
quest o his beloved M&Ms - whereupon a
wave of sudden, silent confection uninter-
est would overcome his colleagues.
The socially unredeeming entertainment
portion of this column finished. now bak
to the subject that has lately informed this
page: che Timers willfully erratic applka-
non of its own conflict-of-interest guide-
linesguidelines that seem to place greater
importance on the extracurricular writings
of is reporters than on the near-corrupt
56 SPYMARCH 1989
: - : :: : :::::::::::: : :.: :
:
: . : : : : : : : :
.%.... ..,
activities that exist within its own walls.
Hello. Arthur! lndeed, the Timer is a
newspaper that saw nothing amiss in the
marriage of John Corn'. for years the pa-
pers (hid critic of nonfiction television
programning. ro Sonia Landau. the chair-
man until two ears ago of the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting. the i. hid supplier
of nonlicrion television programming.
The Times is a paper that promotes
Martin Arnold - who, like Emerson. had
served years of bum-kissing fealty under
Klein at th magazine -- w the powerful
post of cornlntlnications cear. in diarge ut
both television and publishing ioverage.
hie paper evidently sees no problem 4it all
in Arnolds live-in arrangement with
Kathy Robbins. a prominent New York
agent with a lienc list of media maneuver-
ers including \illiani Pale and former
journalIst Tony Schwartz.
Last year Carol Vogel. a dign reporter
at t)w paper. igi.jcsted a story to the niaga-
and was .L)parcIiclv giveti the go-
Lilie
ahead on it. But the subject was off her
beat. and so she was told that she would
have to work on it nights and weekends.
Which \'ogel did. Because ir wasnt a story
about Middle Last geopolitics. the maga-
zinc Law no reason to run it; Vogel decided
to shop ir elsewhere. She first sought the
counsel of her agent. who told her that
before shc did anything she ought to
broach the idea of selling the piece else-
where to Warren Hoge. editor in charge of
freelance permissions at the Times. Hoge
refused Vogels requesta verdict that her
agent might well have suspected all along.
Her agenrs naine is Kathy Robbins.
Metro section reporter Susan Heller
Anderson is one of the forwnates who
have been granted permission to write else-
where in her case. for T'wrc'I ô Leiskrr.
Unfortunately. she did not disdose this
: : . . . : : . : : : : : : : : : t : : : : : : : :.: : : : : : : : :.: : ::: : : :::: : :::: : : :
sideline when she l)r)(ltic(cl a witherit
story tor the paper on Trti:eI & Leuun
lar tiore d isti rigti islied corn petitor. Con
t
\t5,
irazeIer. Anderson managed the ne
(eat of committing this thoroughgoing et
ical breath and at the same time earnit
valuable Tirnei brownie pointsgood t
ward further frecltnec permi
sions by including in licr story flattent
mention of che flrneis own eflorc in ti
area . The Sophistiaud Tra: tier.
After culture reporter Leslie Bennett
who had been at the paper for a decad
wrote about (.hes. (or Vanity Fair. slit. w
invited iflt() Hoges cell ton a proper dre
ing-down. ihough the door was losed.
audible was his pique that fragments old
conversation were heard out in che ne
room. Hoge told Bennetts that this was
first instance bed eier encountered uf
wrircrs wishing to write elsewhere. \X'h
Bennerts pointed out than lied granu
freelance permission to another writer e
lier that day. Hoge reportedly said. A
you Calhflg ,?le 1 I:ar.'
The next day CXCCLItIVC editor M
Frankel. a mati even more obsessed b d
subject of his staffs freelance cndeav
than his predecessor. Abe Rosenth
Posted on the newsroom bulletin loar.i
particularly vindictive memo abuut 1k
ncrt%s transgression . Bennetts short
thereafter oined a distingu islie I iressï
of young and youngish TIme5 talent wi
have left nbc paper and became a (('mn
uting editor at 1/anit Fair. But then. t
il?ie.i has always had a unique lidlity f
bullying its most talented reporters. h
mer TV-heat reporter Peter Boyer was a
parently hectored nor because tn exui
from his hook. Who Killed CBS?. appear
in l/a',ity Fair last year but because
wasnt written in bloodless Tirnt.r style.
-J. .1. lhilJ(v4
 mi

KENTUCKY
i ®UFE®N
ME AND MY GRAND-DAD
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 H e was a doctor I'kc [)r. Kildire s
He sts a Ii,uut- site rrusrcd.
Hc was a doctor U) whon si, had paid lors and L)tS of rnoiwy.
For the last (our weeks Jane I)ot (not lier ra1 namL). a 32-
var-oId fashion consultant. had betL visiting the Park Avenue
()ftkcs of Rolcrr Gilkr. t.D. nutrItionist co the stars. vitamin
disi,enser to New Yorks elite hypochondriacs. author of the best-
selling 1)00k ?ir1ediclI i'e1.ikeover. Hv had diagnosed
till sorts of fool
allergies she never knew she had by administciiìg a blood test and
carefully - .ririiiJiis/Ij - analyziii a scr.tnd of her hair. To oiitio1
her cravirgs for sweets. he had prescribed a botk of chromium
pills. Costing around S2() anc ct)nvtinentiv sold right in his very
own And 1w liad ziven her lnvga(lOsvs of vittmin (.. She
bL(I l)CgLlfl to feel more alive. ht,tlthicr. . .
That s. until she had suddenly been rusliid to the em&rgency
room btxause Licr body vas puffing up like 4t sotiffl. Strange, she
had th()Utht to herself. she liadnt had an allergic reaction like this
in six yearsand bow odd tha: it had happened only four veeks
aUer she had heun seeing Dr. Gilkr. And now she was reading an
article in Tbe New York Ti,,,e; about how to recognize a disreputa-
blt fltltritiúfli%t. written by the first lady of personal hcalch lier-
sell. Jane Brody (sec Eat. Drir.k and Re Merry But Sparingly.
62). As I)oe ticked oII niorç and more of Br()dvs warning
signals signals that relaed to Dr. Oilier. such as the hair teSt and
rli expensive. offke-sold vitamins - it all began to make sense.
She thought she heard a sound :n her riiinds eir. lt w.is the SOUnd
It duck mtkes.
IWo weeks later. on IIav , I 988. Patients of yet another
a of
(liet books. most notably Dr. Brer.r Imm,mc Poze r Dirt, got .t
scare from the Dail) :\eui. The paper announced chat a big fit
probe was heitig C.)IldUCtCd by the New York Stette Department
ot Health into the lratice of Dr. Stuart Berger. prompted by
complaints troni several former patients. The doctor. it seemed,
had been issued a subpczia asking to turn over not just the
111121
tiles of the l)ttRfltS but also the tiames 1tiid addresses of everyone
whod V.Orkel for him Strice 1983. (As ufjanuary. the investiga-
tion is proceeding; 1)r. Bergers practice remains open.)
Despite their suspect methods, both Dr. Gilkr. in his late
forties, I)r. Berger, in his mid-thirties. have found a loyal
Ifl(l
folløwing of clients who PLY clearly for their advice and treat-
inents not to mention the putative social standing achieved by
heitig sported in their waiting moms. In fLct. although the two
doctors have no protssiotial association and (l)fit see cacti other
sociall they have created some of the saine patients. I knew he
-as a 1uack, 1)LIt i kept returniii. SS t)tie teinak 1's' producer
Wh) tO Dr. Giller. She goes on to pr1)Iably more w the
Point - Did )'()U know Bianca Jaggers a client?
In addition to Jagger. Dr. Giller has had many other clients
known less for their common scuse than for. as the siying goes.
being k,wun. George Hamilton. for instance, and (ornier substance
al)t:SCrS Liza Minnelli. Judy Collins ¡LtId Carrie Fisher. Mikhail
Baryshnikov felt he needed Dr. Gilkrs vitamin supplements to
keep hini dancing, .tnd Los Angeles Laker Karcein Abdul-Jabbar
soug)n treatment troni Dr. Giller for migraines.
Dr. Bergers patients are no slouches, either. They are. he
in (Ifle of his hooks, tllm and television celebrities, major ocr
brokers from Wall Street. corporate heavy hitters . . world- .
renowned artists, musicians, in tel lectuals, Professional athletes,
60 SPY MARCH 1989
and nieziihvrs of the ruling families ot several continents. Mor
spe(iti(allv. they have been Ireiie Papas. ballerina-actress Lesti
l3rune. Bella Abztig and Roberta Flak. Mrs. Joe l3ologiia (Re
nc..I. Taylor) has in the past witnessed loi l)r. Berger. using sud
credil)itity-bi)osting platforms as Tht 1)'n./ne S/.'oze.
But most of Dr. Berg&s and Dr. Gitler's patients are no
famous. just as most of the rcople who eat at Elaine's or go to Vai
aren't \Voody Allen or Jack Nicholson. The majority of thes
patients are drawn from New Yorks sizable population of au
eilt willing to grasp onto any novelty in the health. beaut
vL)IIIefl
and fitness fields - willing ro pay any price and endure any pro
cess. no matter how humiliating, in order to stave off decay. Likt
used cars passing through one repair bay after another, they whilt
their days in OffCC5, gyms and salons, hoping to emergc
spanking new.
Doctors Berger iIi(i (uiller have latched on to this gravy train
and become rieti themselves by wr:ting diet hooks, appearing on
talk ShOWS and expanding their private practices juti) clic most
elite and most necrotic social and celebrity circles. For these
tWo caring profssionals unlike so many of their remote col-
leagues - patients arc more than just amalgams o symptoms and
insurance forms; they are friends the people the good doctor1
socialize with, the people they summer with. the people- whc
introduce them to other wealthy and celebrated People. people
who themselves might very well have multiple allergies or need
lkuid vitamin pick-me-ups. This is the nice part nl doctoring.
The tough part of doctoring is thc scientificdiagnosticHip.
pocratic oath tart. lt is worth noting here that both Dr. Bergem
amici Dr. Gilkr arc, in fact, real doctors - thc medical kind.
Berger received his degree from Tufts University Medical School
and also received a graduate degree from the Harvard School ut
Public 1 lealdi (Lredelltials he repeats over and OVet, as if they wert
mantras. in his books); he began but apparently never finished
residency in psychiatry Dr. Giller's medical degree comes (rom thi
'niversity of Illinois; he served in the Army as a specialist ir
T.
preventive mcdicine but especially likes to point to the year ht
spent in Hong Kong training as an acupuncturist.
Anyone. however - even Paul Prudhomme car. become a nu
critionist in New York State; there is no licensing or certificatior
process tiere. In fact. ('nC physician recently demonstrated just ho
easy it is to join the American Association of Nutrition anc
Dietary Consultants b sending in a S5() check and an applicatior
on bchalfof his dog; soon alter, the dog was accepted for member'
shii. (Dietitians, on the other hand, are required to follow
specified course of study and are certified in New York State h)
the American Dietetic Association. Indeed. the ADA compiainec
to The Neu' York Ti,,ìtj in I 986 that there has been a dramati
increasc in the number of unqualified nutritionists who dupe th
public with gimmicks and quackery. ) In their books, neither Dr
Berger nor Dr. Gitter claims any official status as a dietitian oi
nutritionist; nor would they or their oices supply any professiona
associations. (just come and see him. one ol Dr. Bergers recep
tiOfliStS told a SPY researcher she mistook for a potential patient
'All the best people see
Interestingly. the t'o doctors have niuch in common besides
best -sellers. Iiigli-pwfile patients and an casi y exploited specialty.
Both of their careers. tor instance. have thrived on otierinmz cures
for the widest-ranging ofsymptoms - symptonis St) common as te
guarantee a plentiful pool of patients. According tu) Dr. Gillers
book, Medical Makeover if you suffer from headaches, afternoon
fatigue, inability to concentrate. sleeplessness, depression {or) sus-
. . . your body may be trying to warn you of
ceptibility to colds
future chronic disease. (Your body may also be warning you that
you live in the late twentieth century.) Stress, the complaint of
fvor in the 1980s. is a particular bugaboo of Dr. Gillcr's. The
best-selling Dr. Bergers immune Pou'er Diet tells its readers that if
they sufFer from a whole textbook's worh of symptoms, ranging
from jet lag ro flatulence, they very likely harbor hidden allergks,
not just the pedestrian ones (cat hair, dust balls, ragweed). Dr.
Giller also discovers allergies, allergies that are as sophisticated as
their wealthy victims, allergies to foods such as endive, mustard
seed, paprika. l have very specific allergies that I did not know I
had until I saw hirn,' notes an enthusiastic Bianca Jagger, sound-
hg like M. Jourdain, Molière's would-be gentleman, who never
realized that he'd been speaking prose all those years.
Both doctors have gone in for the hair testing and vitamin
prescribing that Jane Doe noticed on the Brody warning list, and
both doctors frequently prescribe the same regimens for many
different patients (yet another Brody caveat). After sacrificing a
drop of blood and a strand of hair to Dr. Giller, one patient was
cold that she was allergic co milk (among many other things); she
later discovered, she claims, chat he tells lots of women theyre
allergic to milk." He also administers a lot of vitamin B shots
(see A Visit to Vitamin Hell, page 65). A former employee of
Dr. Bergers said, in an interview with ABC News, L was told to
automatically mark them off [allergies to yeast, dairy. eggs and
wheati. Half of [the patients) don't even have reactions to these
foods.
Both doctors also share a propensity for finding themselves at
odds with the medical establishment. The AMA says there is no
such thing as antistress vitamins, Dr. Giller admitted cheerfully
to People magazine. But I feel that antioxidants help people feel
better. He also asserted that while the AMA denies that doses of
chromium, one of his favorite minerals, block a craving for sweets,
his clinical experience' shows that the pills work (so conclusively,
it seems, that he indiscriminately handed a bottle over to me when
I mentioned, off the cuff, that I like sweets: Here, he said
helpfully, try I/x.re). In a New York magazine interview, Dr.
Berger whined about the Food and Drug Administration's state-
ment that some of the tests he used to routinely employ are
worthless as a way of detecting food allergies, adding that he
found it morally roublesome that the FDAs pooh-poohing a
test he had already used on thousands of people would affect
general opinion so drastically
And there's one other thing that Doctors Berger and Giller
share. lt's a factor that, perhaps more than anything else, explains
their staggering success: both maintain offices within walking
distance of Le Cirque.
r. Berger's ground-floor oí&e is located on Fifth Avenue
near 61st Street. Walking into it, one is at first impressed by the
large David Hockney watercolor hanging on one wall (bought on
the advice of his close personal friend Leonard Bernstein). But it's
the checkout counter, situated in the middle of the pastel-tinted
lobby, with its drugstore-style display of Dr. Berger's own line of
expensive supernutrients and fiber supplements, that really sets
the torte. lt is here that up to 40 patients a day will sit and wait to
e Stuart Berger.
r
.
SLURP Dr. Berger
awkwardly demons?rates .
the good life by waving o
glass and taking o big juicy .'
bite out o on unortunote
p,ccc of fruit.
-
A pasty, pudgy giant who appears to carry at least 250 pounds
on his six-foot-seven-inch frame, Dr. Berger in the flesh does not
exactly inspire confidence in his regimenshow, one might ask,
could a nutritionist allow himself to become so enormous that his
collars cut into his neck like tourniquets? (Dr. Berger declined to
be interviewed by spy.)
Any fool can lose weight, Dr. Berger says in a promotional
video for one of his books. People in concentration camps lost
weight, people in prisoner-of-war camps lost weight which is
one Dr. Berger assertion that few would debate. He likes to tell
the story in his books of how, as a lonely boy growing up in
Brooklyn over bis family's candy store, he ate his way through
childhood and adolesccncc until one night, when he was tipping
the scale at over 400 pounds, he found he could no longer fit into
his seat at the opera. He promptly started a diet, taking close to
four years to lose 2 i O pounds; in the process, he says, he dcvel-
oped bleeding ulcers and migraines, which led him to study
dieting and nutrition.
After receiving bis degrees from Tufts and Harvard, Dr. Berger
attempted a residency in psychiatry at New York University, but
he left, according to various sources, after a clispute with the
director; it is unclear whether he ever finished a residency any-
where. Nevertheless, at age 27, Dr. Berger became a media
shrink, a lower-rent Joyce Brothers appearing on the Midday show
with Bill Boggs to discuss the psychological implications of current
events. But it was Dr. Bcrgcrs best-selling books, and subsequently
booming Fifth Avenue practice, that made him the millions he
continues to earn today.
In i 982, having had apparently no specific professional or aca-
demic experience in the field of nutrition, Dt Berger coauthored with
Marcia Cohen the hook Southampton Diet - the diet that keeps the
'Beautiful People' thin, beautiful and super active. Southampton
Diet promised a weight loss of up to I 5 pounds in two weeks and
played profitably to readers social anxieties about l)eing snubbed
by the rich. in Southampton. thin is the name of the game, the
book says, and the diet's fame lured many Hamptons residents
and many more Hamptons wanna-bes to Dr. Berger's office,
which was hastily opened to cash in on the book's success. Seem-
ingly overnight, Dr. Berger became a practicing nuritionist. He
began writing magazine articles and a weekly column for the New
Post, which was edited by his friend Roger Wood.
Yo
Unfortunately, Dr. Berger's new career drew the enmity of his
two alma maters. Dr. Jean Mayer, the president of Tufts and for
26 years a Harvard professor of nutrition, wrote in a Wall Street
MARCH 1989 SPY 6l
 J ournal review of another of 1)r. Berger's books, It is my ho)
that no future graduate of the Toits Medical School will exhibit
little knowledge of nutrition as does Dr. Berger. Fredrick Stat
the chairman of Harvard's nutrition department when Berger w
a student, has taken the trouble to point out in a televised ne
BRYAN MILLER, BON VIVANT, VS. JANE E. BRODY, KILUOY report that Dr. Berger, despite his claims, never cook a sing
Every Friday. Bryan Miller. restaurant reviewer for The Neu York Timti, nutrition course at Harvard. And not long after the publication
describes the putative virtues of restaurants around town in an effort to Soithampton Diet, American Health magazine declared that the di
help New Yorkers better enjoy the pleasures of food and drink. On was "little more than a semantically upscakcl version of a di
Thursdays, Jane E. Brody, health columnist for the Times. reports at
concept devised . . . by the late nutrition pioneer Norman Jollifi
length the dismal news about some everyday human habit - often the
eating of popular foods that has proved to be shockingly unhealthful M.D., when he was working for the decidedly unchic New Yo
and, given suf&ient repetition, lethal. Whom should we believe? City Department of Health.
None of the naysaying. however, has mattered. Dr. &rge
main purpose in life is to he an actor, to be among the rich ar
At Zarela: Virtually all the (Frying is) not advisable il youre famous, but not helping pcple, says a former employee. Accon
appetizers arc recommended. trying to cut down on fat. ing to a source, around the time of Southampton Diet Dr. Berg
including . . . chilaquiles. which began frantically looking for a Hamptons house of his own; I
Sour cream . . . is at least 18
are frsed tortilla strips overlaid bought one shortly thereafter. (In New York, he lives in a pen
percent fat, use yogurt rnstead.
with shredded chicken. cart sour
cream and white cheddar cheese 1n cheddar . . . 75 percent of the house duplex in The Beaumont, on West 6 ist Street, and can I
. .. (and) flautas, . . tacS served calories are fat calories. seen around town driving up to his favorite Italian restaurants in
with fresh guacamole Avocados also have a lot of fat. Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.)
lt wasn't long before Dr. Berger realized that while exploicir
At Aquavit: A salmon tartar High fat fish include salmon.... people's fears of looking unattractive was profitable, exploitir
blended with minced oysters is an
Switch to skim milk. . . their fear of death was even more profitable. In 1985, 'ust as ri
ethereal briny combination; ditto
the sheets of this mildly smoked,
Evaporated skim milk can be AIDS epidemic was beginning to frighten heterosexuals, Dr. Be
silk salmon with horseradish substituted for Cream. ger published Immune Power Diet. Given the increasingly panici
cream . (But) the sweet-
. High cholesterol meats to avoid climate, that title alone was enough to cause a sensation, and cl
breads (were) bland and spongy. include all the organ meats book copped the Neu York Times best-seller list for 1 6 weeks. I
brains, sweetbreads . . . and fact. Dr. Berger didn't directly address the question of AIDS; 1
heart.
just claimed chat his new diet had the power to strengthen an
At Sam's: The hefty hamburger Avoid . . . hamburger.. revitalize your body's immune system by eliminating the foods i
[is] among the best in town which everyone has "hidden food sensitivities.
At Meirose: Finally there as a ...duck. .. Once again the medical establishment rained on Dr. Berger
simple but exquisite roost parade. Dr. Mayer, the Tufts president and Dr. Berger debunk
duck. . . wrote in a review of Inmune Power Diet that food allergies are rar
At Raintrees: Recommended
-
sausages. diflicult to diagnose and properly treated only by a registeR
appetizers include . . . grilled dietitian. In his defense Dr. Berger has said, 1'he medical esta)
fennel sausage. lishment has long debated the evidence on food sensitivities. .
As I 've said before, my practice is highly controversial and bast
At Sabor: Sabor will prepare a There are no very lean cuts of
complete feast around a roast pork.
on hypotheses only now being proved in the research laboratories
suckling pig for groups ofeight oc Medical ethics. of course - not to mention common sense us
The highest blood cholesterol
more. . . Another winner is coco ally require treatments to be proved efficacious before they a
levels resulted from coconut oil.
quemado, a thick, hot coconut indiscriminately put into practice.
custard . . . served under a melting Heavy whipping cream is 38 To find out what lood sensitivities a patient has. Dr. Berg
glacier of fresh whipped creom. percent buttcrfat
has done tests in his own laboratory (the laboratory, presumabi
At The Rainbow Room: A . . . Chocolote . . . icings are on the where all his hypotheses are currently being proved). In a l9
frozen praline souffl6 is watch-out list. ABC News report on Dr. Berger, a number of his former empIo'
lubricated with hot chocolate ces revealed that they fabricated test results and got rid of the re
sauce.
slides. (We were told to) throw them out, said one ex-employi
We mustn't, however, be overly quick to judge Brody as a stick-in-the- on the program. He had the disease of the week, another r
mud. I agree with Dr. Myron Winick, she has written, who says you employee told si'v. One week all his patients had candida (a yea
don't have to abandon fine dining . . . to eat prudently. . . Dr. Winick . infection). The next week it was thyroid problems. He doesn
suggests that you avoid items described (on menusi in any of the following know what h&s doing. Indeed, even before she could fini
terms: buttery, buttered or butter sauce; sautéed, (ned. pan-fried, or rattling off her symptoms, one recent prospective patient of E
crispy; creamed, cream sauce, or in its own gravy; au gratin, Parmesan, in
cheese sauce. or escalloped; au lait, la mode, or au fromage; marinated, Berger's was told by his cheerful receptionist, Yup! Sounds IiI
stewed, basted, or casserole; prime, hash, pot pie, and hollandaise. Other yeast!
than that, bon appbit! Jarnie Malanowski J oy Gabel, a former patient of Dr. Bergers, spent rient
$2,000 before realizing that he was not helping her. The horn
All quotes are from the best-selling Jane Brady's Nntrition Book
of this is, she told ABC, thar one of the things he told me I w

62 SPY MARCH 1989

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deathly allergic to was soy, and the supplement he gave mc ro
drink twice a day was soy powder.
Dr. Berger's next book. Hou' to Be Your Ou.',j Nutritioni.ri, was
published in i 987. Finally he seemed to be providing a real
serviceeliminating the need to see Stuart Berger. With an eye
toward exploiting the publics occasional resentment of the medi-
cal establishment, the book cries ro play up ¡rs supposedly pio-
fleeting iconoclasm by uoring the hostile reviews garnered by
IDilnufle Power Diet, including one that called ir a collection of
quack ideas about food allergies.
Despite SUCh bravado, patient complaints have prompted the
investigation uf Dr. Bergers practice by the New York State
Department of Health. Just over a year ago Dr. Berger was served
a subpoena requiring him to turn over records as well as provide a
description of the ingredients in eleven different manufactured-
exclusively-for-Dr. - Berger vitamin supplements with such ener-
getic-sounding names as Power Booster, Power B-90 and Amino
Power. According to papers filed by his lawyer. Anthony Scher. the
doctor believes the investigation was spurred by insurance compa-
nies who disagree with Dr. Berger's methods.
As the investigation continues. Dr. Berger not only continues to
practice but has also been promoting yet another new book, the
honestly titled What Your Doctor Didu t Learn in Medical School.
On The Donahue Show last year. he blasted away at colleagues,
accusing doctors of not washing their hands, and urged his audi-
ences to police their hospitals and demand the best treatments
such as the ones he provides.

or. C i I I e r s best - sellini Medical Ma,&oz'er offers a revnlu-

tionary no-willpower program for lifetime hcaIch. The book, as
well as his current high-grossing practice, is based on the discovery
that stress causes bad habits and that bad habits cause bad health.
Dr. Giller described his unscartling epiphany to Interriew maga-
zinc in 1986: About four or fivc years ago. J noticed that I didnr
have as much energy. . . . I noticed I was drinking more coffee . .
having a glass or two of wine . . and eating more sugar and
. they tell their friends.
sweets. . . . I thought that might have been contributing ro my
feeling run-down.
What more likely was contributing ro his blab feeling were rh
too many nights he spent at Studio 54 in the late 1970s and early
'80s, burning the candle with such close personal friends as Jag-
get, Warhol and Steve Rubell. With the aid of his own reat-
merits, he continues to lead a glamorous. somewhat fast-paced
life. Two summers ago Dr. Giller and Jagger shared a house in
East Hampton. Since then, like Dr. Berger. he has been able ro
move into his own Hamptons home, and he can be seen touring
around eastern Long Island in his pink 1979 Cadillac. 1 wanted
something to make me laugh, Dr. Giller says ofthc color. In New
York, Dr. Giller lives in a duplex on East 87th Street, filled with
the ubiquitous Warhols. One member of the early-eighties New
York demimonde remembers visiting the doctors pad for a party
and being struck by the pornt flhovies being played on the large-
screen video projector in the master bedroom.
Getting one socially connected client is the ticket to succcss,
says a friend. And although Dr. Giller had been practicing in New
York since 1973 (specializing then in holistic medicine and acu-
puncture), his career didnt really take off until he met Halston
and the two became friendly while working out together at the
gym of Radu, the Romanian trainer who has also been paid to
bully John Kennedy Jr. and Bianca Jagger. Dr. Gilkr bcga
hanging out with Halstons crowd at Studio 54 and the Hamp
tonswhere. of course, he met many other credulous. wealth
potential patients. A lot of times the celebrities are friends of on
another, says Dr. GiHer, who, unlike Dr. Berger, was happy t
discuss his professional techniques with sv. You get one ans
He became sort of . . . well, tacky about connections, says
wOfl)afl who knew him at the time his practice began to take oH
My friend took him ro a Michaeljackson party at the Museum a
Natural History and he dumped her at the door. Dr. Gilk
networked at Studio 54 and started meeting a lot of celcbritie
who started coming to see him for the vitamin shots that made i
possil)k to party the way everyone did then, says an early patien
of Dr. Gillefs and fellow Studio 54 habiru&.
This patient was referring to the famous B shot. While mud
of Dr. Giller's practice involves such commonsense advice a
telling patients to eliminate had habits and eat well-balanco
meals, the B. shot is the sexy drawing card. One former Dr. Cille
J)atient remembers in detail her first visit to his office in the earl
1980s. l went to him specifically to get the orgasm shot, sh
says. Tliats what it was called, you know, at least around Studi'
54. On her first visit, after prescribing enough pills to fill
medicine cabinet and suggesting that she considcr sroppin
smoking, Dr. Giller finally got down to business. lts really
vitamin shot, the former patient insists. nor wishing ro draw an
analogy between Dr. Giller and Dr. Charles Roberts, the shot
giving doctor who made much of the New York nightlife of th
sixties possible. I was really run-down, going through a divora
doing too much cocaine. Dr. Giller said ir would help, and in 1a

64 SPY MARCH 1989

said chat biweekly vitamin shots would counteract any bad effects
o(the drugs.
The shot she received, which she remembers as a combination
ofvitamins C and B and ACE (adrenal cortical extract). did not
havv xactIy the effect she hoped. Shortly after the cherry-colored
syrup was injected into her arm through at least eight inches
worth of hypodermic needle. she saw the white Lrrnica counter
and peach-colored sheet spinning around thc room. Thcre was
the promised rush and then a tingling like alter youre given
nitrous oxide at the dentist's office, recalls the patient, adding
that she began sneezing and coughing soon after and eventually
experienced breathing difficulties. Dr. Giller promised her that on
her second visit he wouldnc use the ACE. since she must have a
sensicivity to one of the preservatives used by the pharmaceutical
tompanv. She left his office about $300 poorer only to be sur-
prisid that night at 1 :00 a.m. by a delayed burst of energy, which
she attributes to the shot, that kept her up all night pacing. After
her second visit, during which Dr. Gilkr gave her a shot of B,2
alonc. she stopped going to him. Says another former Dr. Giller
patient. l would sit there for 20 minutes while the vitamins were
mainlined into my arm. When I got up, I was flying! Many. of
course. enjoy these infusions it vim. Eighty-one-year-old Evelyn
Kovncr. who sees Dr. Gullet once a week for B,2 shots, says she has
the energy of a 40-year-old. 1 believe in him I 000 percent, she
enthuses.
There is nevertheless widespread skepticism of vitamin shots
within th medical community. There is not a real need, in my
view, to inject vitamins, says Patricia Hausman, author of a hook
on vitamin nutrition called The Right Dose. Dr. Marie Smith of the
American Society of Hospital Pharmacists agrees: (Vitamins] all
have good oral absorption. Dr. Giller admits the practice is
controversial hut says he has found that B,: shots do revitalize
fatigued patients. As for the patients who have experienced un-
usual reactions to the shot, he says, I can't say that in all my years
of practice no one has felt light-headed or sick after the shot . .
but I don't recall any severe reactions.
J ack M. Rosenberg, the director of the International Drug
Information Center, admits that B2 is sometimes better ahsorbed
when injected. [But) a good, balanced diet should get a person all
the necessary vitamins. When asked for his opinion of prescribing
chromium and Supernutrient supplements frequent Dr. Giller
nostrumsRoscnberg replied, lt's pretty much hocus-pocus.
But for the posh and would-bc P°1 patients of both Dr. Giller
and Dr. Berger. hocus-pocus is perhaps the point. After all, its
certainly far more Pleasant tO trust one's health to something like
a vitamin shot or a no-willpowcr diet than to acquire the self-
discipline necessary to eat well and exercise once in a while. And
given the cliquishness of their two practices, becoming a patient of
Dr. Giller's or Dr. Berger's can provide a reassuring sense of
community. Patients get together outside the offices, sharing al-
lergy anecdotes over kir royales.
One of Dr. Gillers patients recalls meeting another Dr. Giller
Patiet outside the upscale I O Downing St. Cleaners in Greenwich
Village. This nice lady asked me if I would mind going in and
picking up her cleaning since she could not. I asked her why she
couldn't go in, and she said she was allergic to dry-cleaning fluid.
It turned out she went to Dr. Giller, too. We became friends
imrnediatc'ly. ?

FOOTNOTES lergy-ridden, acupuncture-crazed women (plus a

i
I (aUJ thi foc.osei c::c Dal) ÖISC
search of the legendary "vitamin B7" shot and
armed with nothing but brio and blank checks,
healthy spy reporters RACHEL URQUHART and
LISSA SCHAPPELL paid two undercover visits each
to the Pork Avenue offices of celebrity nutritionist
r. Robert Gifler. Schappell complained of these im-
ginary symptoms: dry skin, hyperactivity, head-
ches, stomachaches and insomnia, as well as a
sire to lose a few pounds. Urquhart feigned these
Edovt otr AIth,,igl, iv ii
man or two) waiting to see Dr. Giller.
¡oiare. th opnu,u expretud s Lotta nice new patients this week," says one of
the qotv, wriT iieraI1 hatk.d
ap & a ,sN,itherofthr 12
the two receptionists at the front desk, surveying the
,Ihtnh:oaa/ ithortti u spoke register of upcoming appointments and, perhaps,
to: opuuooi differed ox/y iie thur
degree of whvewwe.
silently calculating the week's gross. Real nice."
As a client checks out, the receptionist asks her if
she has had a shot or just a treatment.
You always ask me if I got a shot," answers the
bewildered client. What are these shots?"
A chorus of patients and personnel sings out
cheerfully and in unison: "The B,2 shot!"

ore or less opposite complaints: fatigue, loss of

ppetite, frequent infections and overstimulated
ivory glandsso-called wet mouth. Here is what
ese intrepid and still alive reporters found.
CENES FROM THE VIAITING ROOM
.
crtis no Muzak; instead, a tabletop humidifier
ums softly, breathing sterilized oxygen into the
m. There are no magazinesno People, no dog-
red copies of National Geographic, no Coinopolitan,
ot even any giveaway copies of Special Reports;
stead there is a bookcase with an old volume of
1»s Who, coffee-table art books and a copy of
corge Plimptons Fireworks. There is nothing
uch to look at beyond the spare gray-and-white-
me decormainly a dozen stressed-out, al-
'"Th. sificocy of hair tests
is 'cry low to nil, soyl
Johanna Dwyer, D.Sc.,
R.D., professor of m.dicân.
(nut,itlon) at Tufts
Unl.rsity M.dkol School
ond director of th. Fronces
Stern Nutrlton Center at
th. New Englond Medical
Csnter Hospital. "The
FDA doesn't biliev. in
them. . . . A doctor might
continus giving them
b.caai. he is out of dot.,
or becaus. it makes things
look ,ci.ntfic."
[LISSA SCHAPPELL'S FIRST VISIT
Since doctors, in my experience, require criminally
long waits, I am surprised when a nurse comes and
retrieves me from the waiting room shortly after I
finish filling out Dr. Giller's copious forms. I am led
into a small white room. The nurse takes a sample
of my blood. Then I am seated in a low chair.
"Don't be surprised," she cautions as a sharp stain-
less-steel instrument enters my peripheral vision.
"These are thinning scissors. It sounds like I'm cut-
ting a lot, but you won't be able to see a thing."
Schuich, schutch, .rchutch, Locks of my hair fall away
and are slipped into a pre-addressed envelope. I
write the first check of my visit, made out to Doc-
tor's Data Hair Test, for $23.'
 I am led into another white room, where a nurse 2Hoef.th.rs, says Dr. attributable to low blood sugar. He gives me a list
Victor H,,bs,t, chi.f of
comes in and takes my blood pressure. I tell her my flOflO s: no sweets, no coffee or tea, no cigarettes-'
I

Isymptoms:
anxiety, headaches, stomachaches, dry
mouth, dry skin and inability to sleep. Without
° "
h.matoIo und nutrition
Bronx V.t.rons
Administration Medical
and cut back on the red meat and diet soda. No
CSn?.r. os will ai o dangerous quackery, but not exactly ground-break4
I even glancing up from her notepad she makes a professor at Mount Sinai ing work in the field of nutrition, either.
School of Medicine.
snap diagnosis: That would be calcium, she says Colcium deficiency is a What we will do is give you some vitamins, no

INutrition
ii.y unlikely thing unless
confidently.2 a lot to start, 'cause I don't want to overload you a
You have a metabolic
When I say that the concept of rampant, undiag- dlso,.r, says Dr. Stephen first. He also gives me some soothing advice. 'Al
t
nosed food allergies one of the bases of Dr. Giller's Barreft, editor of the lergics don't have to be forever, he says, althougl
Forum
:
practice is new to me, she responds, 0h God, newsletter and o board he has yet to diagnose any. Hey, you might out
everybody's got food allergies, and assures memb.roftheNational grow some of these allergies, and some you'll learl
Council Against Health
me that Dr. Giller can help me just as he's helped Fraud. tO live with. He gives me a friendly pat on th
countless others, herself included. After this shoulder and disappears, but not before telling me
Moonie-like outburst of faith, the doctor enters and must schedule another appointment to discuss ch
i

introduces himself with the ease and élan of a
lounge singer. As he shakes my hand and looks right
into my eyes I thinkor am meant to think, at any
rate discuss my symptoms and tell
this man cares. I
him a bit about the way I live.
'' Hubert: lt is a false
repr.sintotion to say
food-allergy test - the $2 50 food-allergy test tha
he is going to run on my blood.
At the front desk I am given a shiny red-papes
goody sack, which resembles a swank department-
.

evone hoi food store cosmetics-sample bag. This bag, however, is

The doctor wants to know if I'm married, and if allergies. lt's like saying
everyone has automobile
my marriage causes me any stress. He wants to accidents."
know if I have read his book, Medical Makeover. s,,
When I say I haven't, he produces a copy and, right
in the middle of the examining room, personally '\ 1____ O
autographs ir: TO ELISSA, FOR YOUR HEALTH. He
then decides that a full exam is necessary. Before
¡
leaving the room he instructs me to get undressed 4Dr. Herbert: lt is almost
ceFtainly O fraudulent
and get under the towel. diagnosis to represent that
Dr. Giller returns and the full exam begins. a heart condition would
away with
4 Holding on to my calf as if to steady himself, he °
supplements or disti."
looks at my shins and asks me if I have leg cramps.
He feels my throat and abdomen, quietly making
doctor's noises Hrnm. Uh-huh. I sit up and he
r listens to my heart with his stethoscope, first at the
top of my rib cage, then, moving lower, through the 'Not all people with low
blood sugar would have a
top of my right breast. d.ciency in chromium.
I He says my heartbeat sounds a little peculiar and You would have to be
decient in chromium for
thinks it best to have a technician do an EKG on the chromium to help you,"
spot. says Dr. Walter Mitts,
director of the Bsltsville
The EKG finished, I am alone and half into my Human Nutrition
trousers when the door opens and the doctor bounds Research Center of the
U.S. Deportment of
in and sits down, which forces me to finish dressing Agnculture. Dr. Herbert:
: ¡
front of him . "The level of lugar in the
blood must be tested first
Well, how's my heartbeat? I ask. to d.teine if o low.
He replies in a sobering tone, and I am a little blood-sugar condition
exists. And chromium pills
l
full of pills, and the receptionist tells me in what
dosages I am to take them: These are chromium
pills - they are going to stabilize your blood sugar
and control your cravings for sweets.' He want
you to take the multivitamins three times a day and
these magnesium pills two times a day.'
The nurse also tells me that my health insurance
won't pay for the $32 worth of vitamins. They
don't cover vitamins, because they don't think they
work; they're behind the times. They are tax-de-
ductible, though. She then instructs me to avoid
the no-no's. I make out a check to Dr. Gifler for
$332. As I leave I notice that the waiting room is
filling up.
Back at the SPY office, I take two identical-look-
ing brown capsules and a yellow onechromium,
magnesium, a multivitamin. I am prepared to feel
like a new woman, and jndeed I do. I feel gleeful,
almost giddy - I feel like cleaning up my desk and
scrubbing the tea stains out of my cup. Then I
alphabetize my junk mail and scratch the rust off my
scissors. I'm soaring, amiable, toe-tapping and no
hungry in the least.
SECOND VISIT
A very tan woman returns to her place on the wait-
ing-room sofa after filling out the preliminary pa-

taken aback. 'You seem to have an extra heartbeat,' are not the way to treat it
he explains. Are you ever aware when you hear after the test has been pers. No sooner has she given herself a Binaca blast
I' done."
your heart beating does it sound like bun,, burn,
. . .
than the nurse comes and takes her into the first
bw,i. BOOM! . You know what I mean? I think
. . chamber. "Oh no, not .fhot! the woman exclai,m
we should look into this. I have a friend, a very good with a thick German accent. I have bad brains foi
cardiologist. You should see hirn." He gives me a shots!
J

name to call. I manage to find some comfort in the I wait.

'Dr. Hither?: "There is no
fact that the doctor thinks my skittish heartbeat basis in reolity for
might be controlled by nothing more than a new prescribing vitamin pills
for insomnia. And no basis
diet and vitamins.4 for prescribing them for
He goes on to explain that my supposed stomach any ofthose other
'mpt0m5 (dry skin,
ailments, headaches and occasional sluggishness in hyperactivity,
the late afternoon (to which he got me to admit) are hsadochssl.
After almost an hour I am escorted back to a
small consultation room. When Dr. Giller appears.
he demonstrates a memory for detail. Did you gei
your hair cut?" he asks. it looks good, really good.'
He swings into his chair and smiles at me. So ho
do you feeP" I say I feel all right but not great.

66 SPY MARCH 1989

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Fad. or Fact Hypoglycemia,
different that all not "Its bran. oat Eat fruit. fresh really what is Stress answers. the recording shed
of author Bennion,
Eat chicken. and fish Eat times. regular at meals Lynn Dr. says sugar," just has nurses Giller's Dr. of one which to stions
regular Eat chocolate. fruit, dried honey, sweeteners, blood the measuring Ri's, same the of many me asks and eyes his rubs
sugarwithout blood low
sodas, tea, coffee, cream, ice sugar, no surprises: name fancy o is
which squiggles. spermatozoa-shaped with brimming
many too aren't There "no-no's." my lists then He -forhypoglycemia diagnose a and bucks white panes, blue with blazer dical
intelligently cannot "You
sugar."Ix
blood low that with you help will tailored a wears He dressed. nattily rather :tor,
times right the at food right the with stuffalong a for also, is He face. his on look p-last-night
other the and infection," against guard help will I-didn't-get-too-much- dazed. a and hair wn
vitamins the "Well, help: to supposed are they what curly with young, is He enters. healer the Finally
to vaguely only referring them, take to supposed
am I often how me telling bottle, each on names the intection.' to susceptible curative unfathomable with endowed being igher
less times 100 you make
me reading catcium and formula hypoglycemia not will dosage normal would one as tones, reverential hushed, in so do y
a selenium, E, vitamin C, vitamin multivitamin, the times 100 taking Gitter, Dr. of speak they \When charts. their on res
wet and infections fatigue, (imaginary) But concerned. is infection
moutha where vitamine by helped
more and more scribble and solemnly nod nurses
of case particular my for chosen he's megavitamins be wilt malnourished ore and saying, keep I right, quite feel don't just 1
who peopie that true be
of bottles six the over goes then Giller Dr. may lt Dwyer: "Professor mouth. wet xplicable
HEALTH. YOUR '
the morning, the in up get to inability the
FOR RACHEL, TO it: autographs and Makeover cal appe- of loss the tiredness, nagging the nproms:
Medi- of copy paperback a bag the from pulls down, hypothetical my about staff Giller's Dr. of rS
sits He other. the in bag red shiny a and hand one mem- three to spoken have I ofshampoo?). rbrazd
them."
's eat? you
in chart my with returns Giller Dr. before stockings for reason no there's What lap? the from water drink you Do
and dress my into back slip to time have barely I deficiency, demonstrated food junk much (How questions 00 I least at swered
specific o is there unless
corridor. and about, talking he's questionnaires, two out filled have I snipped. ir
busy the into again goes lie off And now. dressed dosages phormacologicol my and collected urine my taken, blood my wing
are Those enough.
get can 'You knee. my patting says, he Okay, is nutrientsj these and forms out filling room, waiting Giller's Dr
shrug. vague a (for Allowance minutes 40 spent already have I and a.m., 9:00 s
Doily Recommended
with question the dismisses and smiles Gifler Dr. U.S. the people, most
. VISIT FIRST RQVHART'S CH[L
ask. I badi" so that's do they do 'What "For Dwycr: 'Profcssor
. says. he patients'," Lppointment.
most as bad as half aren't habits Your another making without left and $50 òr
healthy.' "very me pronounces Gifler Dr. to check a out made I desk front the Ar
. .
and pokes few a after and, stomach my to haircut.
on moves then He anyway. checks he but muscles, your like I reiterated, he leave to up got he As ests.
treatment." ont
sore from suffer don't I that him tell I cramps. requiring disease no but food-allergy computerized my and sample hair ny
muscle for checking calves, my grabs and feet my Epstein'Barr, to antibody
the lias therefore and of results the about talk could we so weeks two n
to over straight walks he returns, he When towel. Epstein.Borr with infected appointment an schedule to needed I said He ested.
been has population the of
white small a tinder down lie and clothes my remove percent 20 Ove, ailmentsj. foods 02 I the of percent 28.4 to reaction' sensitive
ro me instructs Giller Dr. room the leaving Before of cause the Jas infections a had I eggs. to allergy possible a and yeast, rewer's
virus Epstein-Barr
described." claim often nutritionists and yeast baker's wheat, rye, lamb, beans. tinto
you those as symptoms same the of lot a got 'Exploitative Herbert: 'Dr. beans, kidney barley, almonds, to sensitivity ood
lt's right? it, about heard You've virus. a It's Barr. wdelayed for predisposition a had I out turned t
Epstein- for you test to going also I'm But hear: test. Sensitivities Food Bloodprint I lmmuno r)y
to long and fear both patients Giller's suspect I that -
including tests my of results the discussed We
news bad the news, bad the with me hits he Then eaten. haven't you when irregular
days.' these Syndrome Fatigue Chronic it call They don't.' is heartbeat your Maybe regular. is heartbeat your
diet. poor a and vitamins of lack stress, from comes you or allergy on hove you So eaten. you've that fact the and vitamins the to
Either terms. medical not
Tatigue diagnosis: his with continues Giller Dr. are "These Barrett: 'Dr. due part in be may it think I but crazy, sounds It
enthusiastically. say I did, I Yes, gone? is heartbeat extra my So
time. first the for hungry.' were you and hours 2 i in eaten
me on sharply focusing eyes his asks, he me? about ,, hadnr you because been just have may it think
L 'flu. mt abotn hear you did How 'p I wrong. anything find wont he friend father's your
answer. I No, ! visit go you when that think I think? I what know
heartbeat." one's alter my
book? my read ordinarily not would hours You says, He pulse. feels and forefinger and
'y
\\t eis, Th''bc3o"e:s ._'cb \ s kwit. tst c takes he
he fatìgue, from suffering people of lot a get I medical underlying
-46f_v
an was thcrc un(ess fathers. my of friend a g:st,
questions. his ail ro answer I really, Nor altered be wou/dnot cardiolo- another see to intend J that mention I
rote heart A diagnosis.
stress? me cause marriage my Does out? checked it have to ment
fraudulent o likely
married? I
Am it? of lot a under I Am him. interests most is This Herbert: 'Dr. appoint- an schedule you did heart, your Hows
 JJP
I
\'ø
y;,
I ff'1IIffi14\' ' _
- '1q \
j
r'-
.,....%:
I I .S!Zi1á
from what youre already doing, he admits, but I
just want to stress those good eating habits.
1'm also going to recommend a B2 shot. Its a
vitamin shot that helps build you up. 1t11 build up
your immune system, prevent infection, give you
some calcium and boost your energy. I take them
whenever I'm feeling run-down. When someone
comes in with the flu, I don't give them an antibi-
Dr. Giller explains. I give them one of these.
We'll give you two a week for two weeks. You'll be
feeling great.
He shakes my hand, tells me he will see nie for
another shot in two days and leaves me to wait for
the nurse who will administer the $50-per-shot B.
When she arrives, the nurse lays me down and
opens a drawer under the table. She takes out a long
tube with a small needle attached and a large sy-
ringe filled with cherry-soda-colored lk1uid.
What's in ther&" I ask nervously.
0h, there's vitamin B2; vitamin C; vitamin B.,
which is like an antistress vitamin; some calcium;
and a little bit of bicarbonate to counter the acidity
of the vitamin C.
She pokes a new hole next to my blood-test
wound and empties the entire plunger into my vein.
You may feel a little light-headed at first. Some
people even say they can taste itlike a cherry
flavor in their mouth but I think that's because of
the color or something, because I never taste any-
thing when I take these.
She dims the lights, telling me I should just try to
relax for a little while, and leaves me lying on the
table.
After a minute or two, I decide to get up and
leave. i feel fine lying down, but a confusing fuzzi-
ness comes over me when I stand up. In my stupor I
run headlong into Dr. Giller in the hallway, where
he has resumed shuttling between fatigue sufferers
and the allergy-ridden.
Youll pee red, he booms loudly, putting his
and on the back of my neck as we enter the waiting
oom. "The nurse told you that, right? '
Yes,' I say cuietly.
The receptionist who dispenses vitamins smiles
d shakes her head with a that-crazy-doctor look
n her face.
Pee ,d, she ducks, in mock disapproval of Dr.
Gillers outburst. I reach for my checkbook and
gin calculating the damage: $225 for the initial
isit, $37 for the blood work, $23 for the hair
work, $50 for the shot and around $80 for the
itamins - approximately $4 I 5 just for starters.
The waiting room is now full. There is another
oman at the counter, restocking her vitamin cabi-
et. Lets see, she says, 1 need some more bran,
you know, fiber pills. And then, some calcium. She
looks over at my list of no-no's and nods her head
knowingly. She's been there.
74WYMARCH 1989
'Dr. Herbert: "Before
getting o ehot like this,
your B,, level would have
to be measured. There ore
only two reasons to have
these shots: (1) you hove o
diagnosed B,, deficiency;
(2) as o placebo." Dr.
Meits: "The frequency of
B,, deficiency in our
population is very rare."
Dr. Barrett: "If o person
can absorb vitomins,
there's no reoson for an
injection.'
"Dr. Borroft: "You'rc not
getting anything there
that you couldn't get in
one or two pills for a dirne
or so."
'Dr Herbert: "An
enormous omount of
certain vitamins will
change the color of the
urine. He gave her
expensive urine. This is o
lucrative nutrition fraud."
'Professor Dwyer "The
chances are infinitesimal
tfat this would be true."
SECOND VISIT
One week later I am back in Dr. Giller's waiting
room. Among the patients there is much talk of the
B, shot, which, as it made me feel alternately woozy
and wound-up for an entire da) I have decided this
time to decline.
One well-dressed woman is trying to switch her
"treatment and instead receive the B sho, which
she is officially scheduled to get later in the week.
"Eve had an awfully difficult week," she pleads to
the receptionist. My mother passed away, and I
could really use the boost.
Another young woman, clad almost entirely in
black, paces restlessly between the reception desk
and several differen waiting-room chairs. She is
jockeying to get her shot before her consultation
instead of after. It is easily arranged. How many of
these shots do I have to take before I feel like
Wonder Woman" she asks.
A lot," the receptionist answers.
I wait a solid hour before the nurse who took my
blood last time shows me into a consultation room
and starts rolling up my sleeve for a second jolt of
B,2. When I inform her that l've decided not to take
any more shots, she looks surprised and leads me
into another room.
"The doctor will be with you shortly,' she says.
In fact, it takes a good half hour for Dr. Giller to
appear. When he does, it takes him another ten
minutes to tell me that I look much better already
this despite the fact that I am suffering from a
powerful hangover and have not been taking any of
the vitamins he has prescribed. Dr. Giller says that
my tests look good, that although the lab has not
yet run the Epstein-Barr test he asked for, he never-
theless thinks the root of my problem may be left-
over traces of the mononucleosis virus I had seven
years earlier," and that thcyll have to draw more
of my blood so that he can look at the Epstein-Barr
results. When I ask him about the jittery feeling I
had after the shot, he tells me he doesn't understand
this but not to worry, that the concentration of C
and B1 sometimes accounts for a burst of energy"
similar to the one I experienced.
Later, as Fm leaving the building, the doorman
asks, "Feel better? For that kinda money, you better,
right? But h&s good. Lotta famous people go to
him."
When I ask him who, he says, "Like Farrah
Fawcett and Ryan ONeal, they were here the other
day. And Nipsey Russell. And another actor came in
on a Saturdayyou know, special-so he could go
onstage."
He scratched his head, concentrating hard on
what other names he could dredge up. "Oh, yeah.
Bianca Jagger comes here quite a bit. Shes nice. I
got her autograph.')
 e
's

'4%

il As with most legends, the details tiere may ha:e grown fy wit!ì th years.
M :&! BUt OflC thing remains crysta' cIea I)rambuie is tIì unique liqueur flavored with
wild heatherhoney and the finest ruait whiskies. So it has a taste thai people would
kill for. Drambuie. Scottish in Origill. distinctive in taste. unchanged since 1745.
--- Drambuie.The stuff legends are made of.
To send a gift of Drambuic anywhere iii t!i L S where 1ci.aj, call 1.sOO238-4:373.
----
 LIFE
IMITATES
ART
People We Confuse With

Paintings and Sculpture,

Paintings and Sculpture

We Confuse With People

76 RY MARCH 1989
' Wtyøuy A M*soous
}r(ormanceshy Gaily Simon (b. 1945)
Irey grew up in che Psris of the
tiercées. not che Riverdale of the fifties.
Otherwise. where could she possibly
have pued for Pablo Picasso ( I 88 I
1973? Mayb, Marthas VIneyard,
except chat che diminutive artist. unlike
Carly. never played cherc On the other
hand. Picasso nev« played Tahoe either.
Whe1ievcr we think of Samsny
DavLs Jr., which is oÑen. we
think of the singer, the dancer,
the entertainer. We think of
Jerry and Frank and the big
rooms in Vegas and Nixon and
Linda Lovelace. We think of
Candy Man. And we think of
cubism.
That's right. Cs.bism.
And to be perfectly honest
about it, whenever we look at
certain Picassos, we think of
Sammy.
lt may l)(: an ünintcnded by-
product of an art-history lec-
lure that Rosamond Bernier
gave years agoback in the
days whcn .... by, it was still
Hoving's Met. Whatever the
cause, we can't help seeing
great art everywhere we look. A
at the New York Daily
glance
Ntwi tells us that it is not Liz
Smith writing the gossip col-
umn hut a Willem de Kooning
Unvas come ro heavily air-
brushed photographic life.
Keith Richards (English, h.
1942 goes on tour and we
link of the terrifying Expres-
onist faces of Egon Schiele
ustrian, 1890-1918). And
to us, the hellish canvases of
H ieronvmous Bosch teem with
all manner of Roy Cohns
(Ameriian, 1927-86).
In every case, it isn't so
much that the.re people look ex-
actly like those paintings. 1f that
were so, e would simply have
presented you with a series of here in this pioneering art-his-
cheap analogies: Frank Zappa tonca! monograph are not
and Leon Redbone as Van look-alikes. Rather, the people
Dycks, Katharine Hepburn as in our gallery profoundly fieggest
Nude Desending a Staitrase,
Buddy Holly and the Big Bop-
per as . . . well . . . a Jackson
Pollock. (Did we mention that
some of the cheap analogies
would also have been in ques-
rionabk taste?) And we could
have stretched things a bit to
inClUde works of contemporary
architecture, so many of which
look like De Chiricos with tax
abatements (although Peter AI-
len, it must Ie said, reminds LIS
of certain Helmut Jahn build-
ings). On the other band. that
aftnity is half deliberate on the
part of the architects (and pos-
sibly even in Peter Allen's case).
Similarly, Henry Geldzahler
seems to have leapt to life from
a Hockney Paintins only be-
cause Hockney has painted
him. And just because Sarah
Brightman describes ber hair as
Prc-Raphaclite (toesilt cucan
we'll run a publicity shot of her
next to a color plate of a
Rossen i
No, what we've gathered
the work of a certain painter or
sculptor or school. And we
know this could be a little
alarming to those who take
their art seriously vice versa.
How utterly remarkable that
Diego VeIzquez, applying his
rich brush strokes in seven-
teenth-century Madrid, could
have captured the essence, the
very soul, of Herve Villechaize;
and yet he has. Uncannily. their
names are similar, too.
Having such a peculiarly
trained eye is a curse as well as
a blessing. It's now impossible
for us to look at a Brancusi with-
out thinking of a Grimaldi
specifically, of Princess Stepha-
nie and thcn, in rapid succes-
sion, of whucher she was actu-
yet here, undeniably. is multiulented
ingerdaier drurnm,r-CuL,ist
masterpiece Sammy Dcis Jr. tb. 1925).
Note the tenscon Picassu achieves
through the interplay between Daviss
mutually exclusive orbs. Picassoesqur
draftsmanship is also apparent in the
sliding. colliding, disconcertingly
masklike (estures of Academy Awards
cutup Bette Davis (b. 1908)
ally driving. of the young
Grace Kelly, of Gary Cooper
and High Noon and the melody
to Do Not Forsake Me,
which subsequently lodges it-
self in our heads for the next
two days as if on a maddening
internal ta[) loop. 'X'hen this
starts to happen, museums and
galleries l)C(t)ITIC dangerous,
strictly off-limits. As are, by the
same tøken, any celebrity-
clogged venues. (When the two
types of danger spots converge,
as at last fall's sale of French
lmprecsionists at Sotheby's, for-
get itthat night we asked De-
gas's Danseuses Russes for its
autograph and carne very close
n) bidding $3.2 milli(Ifl for
Gayfryd Steinberg.)
In the pages ahead. suffer us
our appreciation, and appreci-
ate our suffering as we catalog
the well-known late-twentieth-
century people who look like
art and the art that looks like
wel I known late-twentieth-cen-
tlIf'/ people. If nothing else, it
shOuld give you a whole new
appreciation for the surface dy-
namism and iconographic sub-
tieties of Shelley Duvall.
MARCH $989 SPY 77
In DILISUATELY ELO4ATW
AT TNt Ta
How ian it be thai such
glamorous. high-profile and
aIi'e! ukbÑies summon lorch
the oeuvre of so wdtschmcrzy
¿iui otnI,4rac1vcIy obscurc
an Exprcssonist as Egon
Schiele (1890-1918)?
Nouveau tncrlleuuat actress
Doryl Hannah (b. 1960) uses

'T!'!V'V

Pt%

J 'g

L,
hcr atzcnusted. highly
d('.( rptive limbs. Sleeping-
wich -fashion-rcuxlels r(xk
musiusns Ric Ocosek
(probably vou:gcr rh.in Bill
Wyrnn) .snd Keith Richards

(b. 1943) are kit co use their

haggsrd Los Generation laces.
Oasck came by his &hicisms
genctita1l) while Richards
achicvd hi dsri,uh )C4I5 and
years of toc) muh lun. plus one
picture (hail! flail.' Rok n
Rnl/ wirh Chiil R,rrv

78 SPY MARCH 1989


£XQUS$ITI SoLmTY
ks no surprise hac Colombian
painter Fmndo Ioero
b. 1932). vein-clotted
conglomeraceur Soul St.inb.rg
b. 1939) and spooky matriciiJc
manqu& Suklw.,t Gabel
Cb. 1949 are contemporaries.
A. Sia DIDNT Evr NAM( Hti
NAQIANca Gtaica
There is no question chat
Paloma Pkosso (b. 1949) has
an interesting provenance. And
so ics disuicting that the
twentieth-century painter she
evokes so insistently is noi her
father. Pablo. the misogynist
Cubist. hut his second-drawer
contemporary. Femand Léger
(1881-1955). Go figure.
AbJfra(! figure.
Although Steinberg remains
tethered co his wifcs side in
Manhattan, and although
Gabel doesni get out much.
colier. now char the Myerson
trial is over. who can deny their
influcnc on Boteros work.
and/or vice versai Daniing le
Colomhia (oil on canvas. I 9NO)
boasts a playful cameo
appearance by Steinberg (there,
on the far teli (l(XS painting
Steinberg qualify Botero as a
landscapist?). And there's
Gabel (note the virtually
expressionist gestures
tr'VÎEL0OY 'I)
_44f/
REVERtE..
isrecemacurally red hair.
overstuffed-rag-doll lace). And
there. finall. is Steinberg
himsell. looking as though he's
being squeezed out of the cup
of a tUXedt)shaped oil-paint
cube. No preo«upation wich
(orm here!
f \,
Giosso
Pumping and selling iron
that's just Oflr 01 che things
Umberto Boccio,d ( I RR2
I 9 1 CL che Italian Funirist, and
Arnold Schworzenegg.r (b.
1947). the Austriaci Reaganite.
have in common. Here's
another: although it was
completed in 1913. Boccioni's
Unique Formt of Continuity so
Spose, some scholars now
belirve. was conceived as a
sculptural ixie to the dynamism
of last Christmas's comeds' latí-
riot. Tri'snj.
Piincî REPLICAS
Critics who suspect that pop
artist Roy Lichtenstss
(b. ¡923) comic-scrip characters
tk)flt resemble living. breaching
human beings any more closely
than does your average Paul
Klee will find all the proof they
require in plastieman New
York Das/y Neu's publisher
JimHog.(b. 1935) and
plasriuwoman Vanna White
(b. 1957). Only the thought
bubbles are missing.
MARCH 1989 SPY 79
 .

..:-'---
. e ,
,;
.-
,.ç-./,, o,
fr'

1
Ti:

r!
BEYOND THE LIMITS O FORM AND FEMIPIINITY
Woman and B:c)ck. you say' Thats no bicycle. thars Carol
Chonning. Only the wild brushstrokes uf Wilkm de Kooning
(b. I 904) could capturr so splendidly the exuberant vigor. not co
say syntactical icnbalance. of stich merr cackling ladies-about-town
as Cbanning (b. 192 I ). Liz Smith (b. circa 1928). Bubbl.'
Rothenn.ri (b. l934)and AiLsen 'Suzy Mihi. (b. 1924thats
AD.). And only De Koonings drawing, with cts haunting teeth-in-
a-windstorm effects. could do 1usticc to this group.

CHICKS NOUVEAUX ThOMPI iOv'

se.
ThCrcS certainly a case co Once sec-n, the overripe,
made: that author-study-in- ,
grotewue faces painted by
black-and-white lama Jom.s Ensor (1860-1949)
Janovitz (b. 1956) has taken arc not forgotten: smiling
an Aubrey Isordaley (1872- hideous. they terrify even
98) drawing as one of her ... ,- as they would be Jolly. The
spiritual/aesthetic mentors. But ,_
Çe- same might be said about the
it takes two really grra: .
I eXpresSionist comedy (5f Jocki.
decorative artists tu bridc the Mason(b. 1931). the
gap between TIx Yellow Book ; .
expressionist eyeliner of Louis.
and Jack La Lanne television Nevalson ( 1900-88) and the
ads Beardsley (sinful. : .
exprcsit>nist ersatz-personality
'

decadent) and Ch.r (game. ofRonoldR.ogan(h. 1911).

untnhtbited). Forget about the ,, . ........ '.,. ",' ....

sort uf technical problems only gallery off Spring Street.

rime rrael (an solve: Cher Monut. Bol (b. 1962). by the
(b.1946) ts a walking. talking way. may pull down about
pen-and-ink drawing at cvrry $-1(x).000 a year from the
award ceremony she attends. Warriors. hut one piere from
and the influence of her levered the W'alking Man series
pOStBol) Mackie dressmakers brought $7.65 million at
(Xt Beardsleys illustrations of Christies in London last
Salome and 1.yststraca is November, a new auction
undeniable. Do we have to add retord for Aibsito Giacom.td
that an Osar ñgurcd (1901-66). the Bob Cousy o
prominently in both their figurative twentieth-century
esreers sculpture. Way to go. 'Beno!

QUASI-STARRY Nioiî
Certain questions arise. Does
Linda Hunt (b. 1945) eat
potatocs Would Vjnc.nt van
Gogh (1853-90) have pacntcd
so many self-portraits if bed
known that a century later they
would end up kxking like
publicity stills for Platoon and
The Las: Temptation of Chns:
Meanwhile. contemporary
postimpressionism buffs debate
i,
I
u

I
N the restoration of I.u,: for Ltfr,
with Wilism Dafo. (b. 1955)
as \ifl(eflt and Harvey Keitel
as Paul!

M SPY MAR il
 DYL ON CANVAS
The ovoid faces and elongated
bodies of Amid.. Modigliani
( 1884 1920) enpoy a revival in
the form of actresscable
producer Sh&l.y DuyaIl (b.
1949), provmg chat rs but a
shortish kap ¡croas inedia -

k
A.Mp4G/RfptLUM1 WAws
and decades - from the state-
Ijictic of ßamsna (_on jrers.e
( I 9 I 6) to the statement of
toadway, &hmraday we an catch Lizo MJnn.Ui (h I 946) on !aeric Ta/c Th.a:rv (ongoing).
kh street and in scrip-mall bad-art stores a(n)ss the ountry ¿ny Promising pupils in the cehool
d time, ourtcs of Ainerxan ntastcr W.Ot.rK..m. (b. 1921). )t 1).ivall: drs:gner Corolyn.
:ache early Goldie Hown (b. 1945) on the nghc (ca. 1968)
3sgIvcIs' radiates hlak -velvet-painting bathos.
Rochm ( ne k :001 novelist
Joyce Carol Oat.s (eyes). IC4
Du'rcw UNCW
Its a pity Fron. Hola (ca
1)81-1666) worked in
Holland in the seventeenth
century matead of at Elauccs or
Spago on a Tuesday Get the
fiorid. gouty countenances of
hyperbolic publicist Bobby
Zor.m (b. 1936), hyperbolic
producer Bernie Brilln.ln
(b. 1931). hyperbolic actor
Ernest Borgnin. (b. 1917) and
ls:prbOIi omcdian Sam
Kinison (b. 1953) together in
one room. and you might as
well call ir Frani Hali Lit.'?
¿cd sell tickers.

Mon Is Mooee
The solds' rounded sculptures
of Haney Moora (1898-1986)
are well knovrn: Bss: F:gure
RecI:nsnj Worears Nial.; Brie:,
Woman; Fa:g:r/ With Pur,.'.
Whoa' :j,gjrJ W'i:h :' Look
again: sensuous outlines and
maccr.al-idebucing contours,
yes hut nor bronzerubber. In
rIser worIs, fashion designer'
Dianne Brui (b. circa 1950).
¼, 'I' Also pictured hcte: actress
Toukie Smith (b. mid-
r-' twentieth .entury), a Robert De
(.
.
Niro paramour impersonates ;i
Moore at Pier 92. where it is
, hopeci she will rcnsaili until
July, when she embarks on an
18-mouth tohacco-crmpat.y-
sponsored tour chat will see lscr
similarly placed in various

1 embassy gardens. university

quadrangles and meadows.

-" Two VGtw

W1\ Giotto, Duccio, Giulioni.

' 7___
:
.
Str..p . dcv000nal artis all:
.

chc hrst two (Tusan and

Simese shools, rcspecivc1y) ro
Gid and chc perpeuarion of
the Byzanrine cryie; the third
(NYU School of Law) co
Press Conference; and rhc
fourth (Yale School of Drama)
to clw Show-OfT-y Role. In che
work of chest four. one can
always depend on life. texture.
piety, impeccable renditions of
sundry World spce.h patterns,
and maior indictmenrc )

IAK(.H 9$') SPY SI

 Men have a theory,
or so we've heard. It
goes like this: On any
given evening,
tries to pick up
if a guy

women, at least one of them will, in fact,

loo THE PICKUP
go to bed with him.Very few men,"I"'
however, are able to muster the sheer
fortitude and shamelessness necessary to
put this theory into practice, even if they
were SO inclined. Even fewer men can (or
would) flaunt membership in both the
DirectorsGuild ofAmerica and t
Harvard Club of New York in an
tempt to increase the odds in their fa
Fewer still can (and frequently do) b
about being pictured unflatteringly i
book of Helmut Newton photograph
a means ofestablishing credibility. A
only one man we know combines
these attributes into a single, very ins
tent, creative personality. His name
JamesToback. A simple catalog oft
titles of Toback's avowedly "persona
major motion pictures (some of whic
Lf.f;?
stayed in release for more than a week I d--
í77k:-;
will shed light on this 44-year-old dire
siA Vord of Varning: This chart contains frank,
tor's unique single-mindedness : Tb explicit language, ncluding the phrase, uttered
Gambler (which he wrote but did no by a man, "Just touch my niIes and I'll come'
%I what follows is not for the squeamish.
direct), Fingers, Love and Money, Ex
posed, The Pick-Up Artist and The Bi 1'''

Bang (this latest, not-yet-released major

motion picture was inspired, he says, by
t
his charming belief that Creation was
the residual ejaculate of a divine or-
gasrn).Even before he became a some- pI,otogrOP by S°'°

what visible tax write-off for friend and

producer Warren Beatty, Toback had
captured a portion of the public's atten-
iion by writing a book (Jim, published in

A CASE-BY-CASE LOOK AT MOVIE DIRECTOR JAMES

2 SPY MARCH 1989
 THE WOMEN,*
THE PLACE,
suring Toback that we vcrc nor THETIME THE INTRODUCTIOP' I THE CREDENTIALS
interested in gambling with
SARA
I w3$walking down che street and he
pulled up alongside me and said, Lis-
i-;Expojd, starring
about and then started in with
Th Pick- Up A nid
Nastassia K,nski, using it to the hilt.
him but were inrriucd by the MovSsD3rctop I'm a film dir.ctoq
and I've
I
all

journalistic possibilities oí a r,aind, Cu:iorp

fnichcd making a film When I 'ouldn't stop, he said. 'Jesus, you're really stapkìous.
Septe*'.kr ¡985
polygraph exam conccrnin the called The Pith-Up ,trt:jt. , . By now. Id said much more ObSCCOC things to Nasaaiiø
subsancc of this article, we Kinsici, and now we're best (ricnds. You know who sh is, donc

agreed to ser up such
him alone with a polygrapher
ot our choosing. \'hen Sched-
a rest for Folluwing me for two blocks up you? I ,fl4dc hr. Heve you he,crd of 'Ibe Pick-Up ArlijI? T)
Brudwv. he kein saying, }cLIse my film. Here. let mc show you ray Directo GId o America
w,,.,
me, I1k'Se' This may sovnd sh'ange. card. . And hores rn driver's cense. lt ou donc believe
Br.adwa and 69,1, I

Snwt but I'm a muyie dirccio,. and I really I me. gi o) Rames Nuble ard look up plac 88 in Por:ra::j by
uling the test and meeting ,Mtr'4 ¡987 WflC to talk to you lar a second. . , . Helmut Newton and yxi'II see me with Naetasiia. .
Toback's many demands
proved difficult, he rnad such ALEXIA
He walked past mc on che subway, 'l'knw you don't believe me' hc calci and then pulled his
stopped arid then sac down cpposite mc driver's license and Directors Guild cord right out Hr oId
remarks as .1 hope OU know Auction Hous.
and stared. 'You're going to think this is me, I'm rrsponsíbk for Nastosaic Xinski's fame.'
what you're doing when you Employ,,
IRT No. I ir:e crazy, but I'm o director and have co use I

luck with mc. He wcnt on, &rMI,, ¿988 )'nhi n rI)V flex: movie.'

grimly, If you print this piece, He showed me his driver's lkcsise and his Di,.ct.n Guild
: promise it will l)e the single This guy camt up from behind me and card He said he was on his way to Gamblers Anonymous.
TTIWA
said. .1 really like your salk. I think He also said he'd gone to Harvard and that he'd been
:hing you regret most in your I'
I

Third Areke re really pretty. and I'd Ike to use married ti) OflC ofthe richest women in the world 'i've
life. When pressed for details, did l2edStrvr: YU in a novie I'm making.' been a millionaire and a pauper,' he said. He also mid inc
he said, Think of your very %14) 1988 to see E.xpoied that night.
very worst nightmare. [Dra-
matic pause.) It//be worse than He came running down the suces behind ffFcred to show cnr his Directors Guild Card and said
me and said, 'Youre so beautiful, want he'd just lnished making Thr Pick-tip Aro::. He gave mea
¡bat.' When we objected to tlA1P'lE
PuMiciil you to be in a moste. I know this sounds
I I

list of bu moies and cold mr ro ccc them ail, espedallv

niese threats, Toback became Woe rd Sirve:. 1_A,
tidiculous, but I or, a producer.' Exposed. He said he bac directed and known Nastosuia
flustered. "I didn't threaten Jasuar 1988 ___________

you. Those were just Iorecasrs,

r; theweirdest thingthac ever happened to me.
Kinsici in more chan a professional sense.

lie was staring at nie as i was going up in she

?

he said, You're into slander. He said. tired su dsangc my suede coat;

I
DAN(U1 elevator. Then I saw him again in che same elevator
(orne U to my apanment and we can talk.
l'tn into astrology.' Editor wo hours laser. He said, Exuisc toc, van talk co I
want to tell you about soy iic project. You
I

Te4ad s Upper Wtit

Atrer satisfying Tohack's you. lt's an omen we're in the same clevacor again.
sue aaild,eg can stand outside thought, W'd/, all right.
I

Mv name is James Toback. just made The Piek-U

dirions, we agreed on a rime ° r,,"vty' ¡98'
I

Anus. I'm o director.' He followed me out into the

and a place for the polygraph L
tOSt. Toback stood us up,
spy 's editors have had no fur-
ther contact with hm except
Wc went hack ip in thc tIcvator. Hv coki
stt. -I w going to talk co you. I was tbinking
stories about Nostosslo Kinaki and said he
a psycho. Hc showed ow jxaers for
and CLLs. l about ou in che shoer that should have talked to I
Expord and abook by Helmut Nrwto that
Fosh,on Editor
\
m things aren't accidents.'
havI a photo ofhim and Nastassia.
.. _1,.d .1,,-,,,

nd Fifth A,'qeue man in a long black leather trench coat started __________
for a phone call and two letters \.i-,mi,, !987 following alongside mc with a barrage olcompli- He rulled 5)111 olI these cords and insinuated
from his lawyer. One letter in- - -J taunts like 'I can't believe how great you look I thestI wa his iw' t Nostasiia Kinski.
dicated that after reneging on don't know if you know nie, but Im o director.
P4Y
his agreement to take the poiy- I
Edito, I
F.xcuse me,I'mafllnidirector Plvase I
akr my card. made I ii him uslied Fxpoíed with
graph test we had arranged, I
Ba/dawi I stop. . Really am
I Noitsiio Klnski.'
May 1986
Toback went to his own poly- I I

graphcr and passed a lie detec-

Wv inri through friends over drinks at Hr braed about how hr made Nostossia Kinski
cor test based on a rough draft of um the Harvard Club- He immediately
questions we had sent h:m. Modd started saying how easy it was (ix him to
Since we have no way of assess- 1/ii Hjrijrd CIsb
sleep with women.
April ¡984
ing the circumstances , panico-
lars or results of this seret test,
,James Toback, the film dïrec- FHC was ,arryisig a wholcportf'olio o(clips about himself,
WC: cant consider it meaningful KAY
(let alone persuasive) informa- Ito, tor. I know you don't believe ma, but which he started so show offwhile rattling offthe names of
. .

I'm a well-known hIm director

Seo,I Aivear ail his films.
non. Finally, in an chott to get a,sd 5 eh 51w,:
Tobacks side of things, we Scpivrsr ¡986
asked to interview him again. -

l:iìsis
He has been unwilling. started chastngme down che You've seen The Pi'k-Up Ari::!; you've seen ExpìieJ.
LYN
a raincoat,
hr wa,s 'dishcv cled, in you've seen - .' Actually. I hadn't heard of any of them;
Earlier, when asked to corn- Dunce, I

and virrying a Monet prhir. lknow this

.

but he went on. .1 know you chink I'm Chart's Mansoss.

Dent on his evidently abundant L,M.w' Cv,:,,
,Nwey Jtdiiirn
sounds crazy, but I'm u big director.' but trust cnr, this us how I discovered Nsstuuia Kinski
persa! magnetism, Tohak
had told spy that his ongoing
search fon future cast members
IV:i:.iis
(S'104k, 1987

SAPCIA
guy with an unbuttoned shirt 'I lived with Nastassia Kinski, yoscan scv oui pkcurc"]
reached for mv forearm at che peach stand together (55 jlte 88 of Helmut Newton's new book.' He
entails approaching a great nom- Writs, at Fairway: 'I know this sounds ridicu- showed me his DGA card and his drivers license. He told
Fairway Market, Broad' bus, but 'm o producer and I'm making me about Thi' Pick-Up Arid: and that Finger; had been
ber of'mcn as well as women, For say ael 74th Street movie and youd be perfect for it.' I singled out by Truffaut as one of the best American filins.
the record, though, Toback 4aguit ¡988 told him co leave tee alone. He alco told me about being married to a British heiress.
boasted to in:ervieu' magazine
AJ'tc' pho::ng !" PY ,rd,i.r ha:'iisg What dc you say to a stranger yoi want co be c
recently, 1ve been very lucky JAMES TORACKI
told abou: ,r(fi/v: films You say. 'HI, I'm Jim TObOCk, Irr o movie direct.,.''
with womeneven. il' )oull WITH SPY
flee,:

What I'd Iikr it, vio is get together whh (Atkrcl about Nastassia Kinsiu, Tobad, insisted, 'She scru'
Iorive mc, I would say blessed. '.5 ihr n'Ivphort you and .Iiscuss chis pulously CI)t herself at arco" length froto inc. t
We don't think blessed is píe- Novmber tyHti

cisely the word we'd use. 5not their r.aI names

 : SETTING
,
THE HOOK:
FLATTERY
Youre the moie
beaut4uI girl Ivc
- ever sn .
You have sudi a
powerful b.auty. . .
I can't take my eyes off
you You havc a ver)'
.
commanding stride. . .
Youve got chis vibrancy
You have this energy em-
anacing from you. I felt it
In the elevator.
. You re so unusual.
Your i*n .y.s!
.1 couLdn't help nodci.ng
sour presence and your
star quaîity.
Your eyes! You're so
provocativ.. You know
that, don't you'
Ans' one individual I
would approach [in a
manner) according to
who that person is.
PITCH"G
PROiE CT
THE
1 want to talk to you about a docum.ntary
ffiml'm making involving five women and a
man. I want ro show how interesting the real
lives of women are.
He saId he was making a movie about
walking. I told him I wasn't an actress.
He said that didn't matter, it was going to
be a 'natural film. and that it wasn't
about acting hut would start production
soon.
He made very clear chat he was work-
i I called him three days later from L.A. and he waa
ing on a project that he had directed,
written and produced. He said the movie
would be true to Lifesomething about
his story
'Im making a ne experimental movie
with five unknown people and Mike
Tyson. Im putting people in a room to
sec how the)' interact and I need three
more women.
He didn't mention a project. but he did
ask mc out tu lunch.
____________________________________
He wanted co discuss a semidocum.ntary
abotit five different women. lic said hr
wanted to elevate the female race in the
film.
He wantedme co re-ad for a part in The
Pith-Up Arti:!,
'Itold him I was a dancer and hc said that
he was just looking for a dancer in this
projed involving five women. He said I'd
be perfect for it.
He said the him was a new kind of film
about astrology and the creation of ehe
universe. There would be interviews with
people talking about real experiences. He
said it didn't matter that I wasn't an
actress.
'I lead as work-oriented a life as anyone I know. I am
completely and totally and wholeheartedly uninterested in
meeting anyone ¿r thin poin in my life who does not suggest
some cinematic capacir)' male or female, >'nung or oId.
"CALL ME"
-,ç
.1 want to give you my telephone nun,
bir. I said, Forget It I to flevur giiig co
use it, because Im a film director. coo.
Now, don't give me your phone number.
Here, take mine, and after you've
checked me out and crust chat I am who I
say I am, then you can call mi. . .
l-le wrote his nunther on a piece of news-
paper. Promise you'll coil ms, he said.
and .1 know you're suspicious. but after
you check roc out. give mc a call. He kep
saying over and over. Check me out.
l-le wrote his number on a piece of
newspaper. lt was a studio number
for Tix P:k-L Artist. He caid.
Call me, after )'(>U'Ve Seen
Exposed.
Wc left his apartment. .l think tItis
would be re-ally cool. Think about it.
Cd m..
He gave me his card and told me to
- ______________________________-
Hcrc's my number at Fox I want you to
read with Rober DowneyJr.
I told him I was in a hurry and gave him
my number. or actually my boyfriend's
number.
He left me his number on a comer of the
Sunday T:rne and told me to col aftrt
I'd seen Exposd. He was with a woman
that he'd left waiting with a bag of gro-
certes; she was obviously getting
impatient.
[Ocer tuo dayi. Tobak
ui'oi phenr merrages at
the' s'i' officvt.!
THE ANSWERING SERVICE
J left a m.uag. on his home answering machine,
and within 30 minutes he called back from thc
street. Can you mast ini at my place at 10:30 ' ''
. tomght2 I said, Those are strange office hours.
That's how I work. I said, No thanks.
I kit a m.ssag. on his machine that I wasn't
interested.
__________________________
I left several messages. and when I rcahcd him, he
put mc on hold for I 5 mtnuc. It took me severai calls
before wc IRX)kcd up; he always seemed to he caring
into the phone. I kept asking. this loe rcal He said,
You have to uU me. I told him to call me
F N i
if he was interested. He didn't.
CONTGT
at a poseproduction facility. 1'm so glad you ca1led
I didn't think you would. He said he'd have to cd
me back when he 3t back to LA, on a certain
date. He didn't.
He called the ncxt day. Can you come to my
apartment at ten at night My mom said no way. I
wanted to mccc at a restaurant for coffee. He said,
Okay, I'll call you bak. He called once. I
returned his call. He never called me hack.
When I called, a sc':rccar}' gave trie a number at a
production ofike, He didn't seem to remember who
call. I was, but he said, 'L.t's meet later at the Harvard
I
aie. I said, 'How about next week!' Bot he was
re-ally forceful and said it had to be that night.
GWIN A friend gave me his number
Production told me to call him because I was
Assistant looking for a job in produchon.
° Hanjrd Club
Outòbr ¡98'
t called Fox. he took my call right away
When con you come up' I said I'd come b)' at
hvu
He called me at I 2:30 that night and wasn't íaed
at ail when my boyfriend answered. Con you come
ov now? No way, I said, and told him he could
meet me for lunch in a public pLace ilhe wanted to
caik about a film project.
I ran into him at a party'. He said he hod to s.. me
the next day and that I should call. I left a msuoe
on his machine and he called about I 5 minutes
later to make a date for that night at the Harvard
Club. co discuss the filin he was making.
le/i fFit'e phone me.oagvi carve proie/s!I) left b) src.J
 .,-;.

THE DATE TALKING DIRTY

A Ä&TF
WITH NUMBERS
'-,

I O N

We walked (lOwn thC street and he kd me to
thy Harvard Club. He ¿sked for his mail
before we sat down.
lt wasn't two minutes before be was
talking about sex. i think he started
by asking me, Do you like to fuck
He told me how he'd first had sex atavesy early age.
maybe 12. when he hooked up wich an older composer.
Toward the end ol lunch he said he found me incredibly
attractive. There are rooms here. W. could go upstairs.
I said I'd already taken a long enough lunch.

I mcc hun in the lobby of the Horvsrd Club;
hc looked disheveled. We went co the bit,
where hr stirted jamming gobs of nuts in his
mouth. I-Ic didn't ask me anything about
mysell and told mc a lot about his cazecr in
the movies.
He didnt v.asce any time getting disgusting.
maybe IO or I S miaules. 'I (eel like we're
old losers. I t'ed like l'vt' already ted sex
with you many rimes. that we have this spe-
cial sexual rapport
Ile said. 'i have this physical need. I have to
ci)me 15 t. 20 times o dey Even my therapist
says I have to have frequent ses.' I stood up and
denundesi. De ,.a reIste (t'er)thtitg :. ,ex? He
siitl Yes

He said he was staying at the Horvord Club and we
wcrc supposed to mccc at I :00 p.m. He left a note
saying he woutdnt be bak until 6:00, and when t
showed up again, he said that we iouldnt have a
drink in the lobby because I was wearing jeans, so
we wcnt up to his room,
He jumped right in when I got to
his room. And he kept getting alls
(rom women and lse'd say, No. I
can't tuck you again coni1ht.'
He wanted co know how many msn I'd made love
to. I said, 'That has nothing to do with my ability
to be an assistant on a film.' Later he called and
said hr had to explore my sexuality, that i needed a
teacher and that he would teach mc. liwn he went
on to say he had a large penis and asked mc how
much pubic hair I had.

We were all drinking and taiking openly When I told him t was probably more inter- No one was sacred: he bragged about sex with
about sex. He gave his entire sexual history ested in other women than men. that only everyone. and then he claimed that even a sevsn-
and then said we should all go up to his room made him more interested. ysor-old was after him.
at the Harvard Club

When I got to his office at Fox, he told me all
about his career anti his credits as a director.
He kept picking up the phone and calling his
bookie to place huge bets. He was abo get-
ting calls from women. and he'd say. Oka
honey. meet me at the Hoa Club at X
time.'
He started in with the gross stufi' fairly He told mc that when he wanted to be a concert
cuickl) 1'm a freak. Do you know what a pianist as a kid. he slept with a lot of people in
freak is? lt's someone who is totally into sex. the music boxiness. That was when hi was 14.
Are you a freak. tood' When he said h.
wanted to tuck m, I told him I martied.
He said, Let me call your husband.' I gave
him the number, hut he backed off.

We mec at an Upper West Side health food restaurant. lie was I

He made inc some pasta. put You don't love your boyfriend.' he said. 'You're
really interesting at first. We talked about film and philosophy on the films and left to do er- so much nsore sensuous. I cats idi you masturbate
He was fascinated Isv mv midwestern peu. Toward the end of rands. The movies were pretty three or four times o d.y.' He said he has to
lunch it started getting weird. but it couldn't have been too bad bad. When he came beck. he OItiC 14 timsa a doy and that he stops 100
yet hecause when lie said. 1.isten. l've got cassettes of my hIrns sat on the couch and started women a week. Actually. he did smell like dried
right here. lets go to my place its jsist across the street and talking. but using words like cOme.
you can ser them lot yourself.' I alkd my boyfriend and told ajs,. iNCl and dick.
hïm exactly where I would be for the next two
hours. and I Vent. I Li ,I1
i-iv uiu l.I.
.;:::-::__ _
L 'JU lIÇU
-...,.-
&UIIÇI IIUIÇ LU
We met outside the Harv.rdlubar 10:00 unlock your sensuality. You havent come to He said. '1 have approached 1,000 women. No,
p.m. lot dinner, but it was closed, so we went terms with your erotic side. Youre a caidron it's more like 500. I've used 50 in my films'
to the Algonquin. o(complexity. With you. I would deny you
three cimes belote I hod sex with you. I'd
play with you. I'd come but I wouldn't enter
you. lt has to be an obsession, and I would
guess you've never really needed it before.
have you? I would never enter a woman
without her needing me.'

I Prv/cmng to ta/k rn thi. t#Ii'phnc. sty didn't
takt Tobai'k aft on hit offer to notet. J
What l've sought to do s test people with a 'The number of people I approach (>ii ihr street
boul and aggressive approach. b«ause . . the (about possible roles in movies) is about 65/35.
easiest way cou an tel I it someone is going ti)
t male 'female not necessarily of any panicular
be lcxist in Iront of a causera s usi to av t age The ratto of peuple I talk to in pc'hhi ti)
0lit. lust 1it it ail on the- rahk. without P(°t'1 I use n my movies is about 1 to 100.
sugaroating, as boldly a possible.' which n about che saine as other directors, I
would say.'
 THI ¡TLURE
o, DANGER "TRUST ME' LASTÓTRAWS

-t Iik to live on che edgc. h; said, ido

d.n,.r.Ias things I k rhn winc on ti,
cell «ir .Lb(,(It tcding violent tirn hi w
jctIotts ovcr sotneo:ic hc.iittig on him

Lç

He alsogoc a call about gambling I-k He said to do chis film we would have
toki me b. thought he hod it in him to to live together to get to know each
kill aomeone, t wool] just be a other. I said. No thanks.

He tracked me down in Kyotojapan. where I was modeling. He wanted to fly

me to his hotel in Santa Monica. I told hm j wasnt as weird as on the hrst time
we met at che Harvard Club. I alio said Id been hulumk. He s.aid. You're
t

wonderful. however you arc! I thought it might be my big break, but first j
telegrammed the friend wed had drïnks with. asking if hr thought Tobak
would cxpeit mc to have sex if I did go to Santa Monica. He wrote right back
Ofcoure.'

1ople kep coming tnto the othce while we were talking. To one guy he said.
He claimed that his ass was on the line Thts is Kas; sites considering fucktng me right now. She hasnt lucked
with this project and that the mob was on anybody hut her husband in seven years. but she's really tempted to luck mc.

killed to get movies

EIUdC fl the past.
-_
his tail. He even tri.d to .t m. to be-
hive that he could hove hod piopi.

I told him he was scaring me with the dirty talk. so he

changed the subject for a while hut always worked back
around by dcmwiding, Whv dont you trust ms? This is
All these women were constantly calling. After one call he said. I cant believe
that as h& I was walking down Central Park West and this woman came out
of the hushes and said. Come over here. I really want to luck you. She just
dragged me into the bushes. So we lucked. and it was really great. And that was
just hcr! He gave me a safe-sex rap too: he said he gets every girl teated before
hell have sex with them. He said, Just touch my nippks ond ru conis. I

-_ for the hIm. Yotill have to use these words in the movie.
What du voti want ¡nr to say for purs' usen hr went on.
.1 low often do you masturbate' Do you enjoy sex during
your peried Ile wanted me to take offrny shoes su jie
decided to leave; he said he still wanted me ro read with Robert Downey Jr.

He was cal:ng it* late at night (tir a while to teli tic aU .ihout his exrlo,1s
bovtrivtd iit sick uf the calls. I blew liiiii eifil jlir ncx time he called, he
utuld massage my feet because he knew dancers like that. .4tçI }W hail people over and I h,ujj ¿Uni oser t, lits bous,- j went and iIi.-
No was. I said. .1 cant work with people who arc ¿(raid phdnc LCX ringing and iuha.k making all these dates or kcr iii liii?
of rue! l.istcn. j tiave an idea. Stnd up. Conte over here and rvviiiiig And the doorbell was ritigiti He avoided those Whets I
touch my ni$.s (.omc on. just touch them. Thin M ktl with ihr others. .inoth« omati. tri a 'oi unsin swr.iNhirt. Was eu lirt
come and you ati trust me. because youll see rhat tha(s it,. The laM time hr alIcd it .tt :110 a in I lis dxrhcll rang while wert
¿jI I iiccd to be really turned osi. YOLi dont have lu tIti
talking. He weilt ici get it anti I heard a girls volti. I heard Ittin sa Jutit get
anything morc' Coke and s en the couth Sit on tite &s,tiih' I winced ws knew ilh liad a girL..
1 like to constantly surpri myscjf, I go ro He said. ï rejuire complet. TIiC and ht ws slit duing there M I (io ii lie just said she was titis sv
sleep at 4:00 am. anti Im fascinated with the trust and a jump of faith I can Itttk itig frrnn the hrnnx. I got really mail I Ir catil, Arc y.0 still g.uig r
2:00 am, ireaturcs. he said. He talked about e endlessly working with you. be up in 4- minutes' Let me ¡ust fvdi thIs i,I end Ill cil yv beck I
living with Nostouio Kinaki. and how he tried but I would need to know you not to bother.
co live beyond conventions and without domes- like no one else has ever known --_______________________ - -
Ilcity in his life. Whet, he asked me il I consid- you. And you would have to l would bring you to the point where you need me so badly you wM put
cred myselfan artist. that somehow led to him truetme more than you have gsmtoyourhd.
saying that whether he has killed 40 everpeople
trusted anyone.
or
none. hv knows h. hoe o kilkrs instinct.

1 will du ani'th.ng j can tu get iht iSSt .1 immediately weed out people 'ies.I run rito mt shirt people aho are noi inreerired n working Hut I
t'i

j netl. where therv will bC any offense isave never talked to anyone where I haven t been upen md hitneat and dire«
or indignation, any hasrter to
being open. j m incereseed in
who has good stones ro cell. the
wikirar pt.rson in his sexual
________I
 197 1 by a major publishing
house) about the orgies in
which he had participated while
hanging out at alleged girl-
friend beaterfootball legend
J im Browns house. The most

u ,%I ti salient piece of artistic advice

Beatty is said to have given
Toback is to always include one
small part for a pretty young
actress in every motion pic-
turc - and to schedule auditions
for that part late in (he day.
__
I4pw$Irlr!k
Out in (he field, Toback can
frequently be spotted casting
future major motion pictures in
the Fairway Market at Broad-
way and 74th Street, whiling
away entire afternoons impor-
::i: TL NV
tuning females as they shop for
fresh fruits and cheeses. And no
aP ,o oe doubt he enjoys satisfyingly in-
p 30 -

OCT O
o
Lnc
Forp4 timate relations with at least I
Bevlc. 170! 02
1x1 O
OCT Oz
ae ,,
'.r.q. LVflCN
Qitii Roo. Dinn,,.
la 11 L30 f 02 percent of them. Unfortu-
T 03 40i 02 nately, the dictates of scientific
Od o e ,. lvsrag, D1n,, ¡300
4Q3 1479
.-., 04
Orali
20* 4 responsibility require us to say
Ort 0.14
37 2.7: 2I no doubt because, hard as we
m,. I0O Ooi 4068
_. 604 043 647
tried, we were unable to inter-
o,
201 Q, view exactly ¡00 of Tobacks
06 215
t5 4.64 pickupees. We did speak at
065
loo oo. 065 some length with 1 3 of them,
69
24 73 7395 though, each of
r :19
1.77
83
0.43
2630
42. 33
spent a minimum of five mm-
utes in his presence, some of
3.26
7420
Caint i,
ol't1ç
o,.,, ,,,. b*aIt. on a 'gu1mr W*r1,,
them hours moreand all of
O*%
po,
Ith, whom had lots and lots to
,, t. share with us. Many, we can
reveal here, were offered parts
- how novel! - in major motion
pictures to be directed by
J ames Toback.
Toback offered us no movie
roles. Instead, after responding
cooperatively to some very gen-
eral questions concerning this
article (see bottom line of
- foldout chart), he became agi-
tated. .1 am going to be dan-
gerous - I dont care what the
consequences are, he told an
editor, adding unnecessarily, I
am not a normal human be-
ing. Toback then offered a
sUggestion: -I would like [the
writer of this article) to PUt up
all of her money, and I'll put
up ten times that much, and
then have each of us take a lie
deeaor test. I ivi/I make a bei
of an)' amount that I UI/I pass
the lie detector test. After as-

TOBACK'S STREET TECHNIQUE'BY VINCENZA DEMETZ

MARCH 1989 SPY 84
THE MAN WHO t.ETS TOBACK BE TOBACK
J F E: P F UFF I%'I U II
E: u c F
I II U

"This movies been playing inside my head my whole life, " says Kanter recalls meeting Tobock in 1987 at a party thrown by
James Toback, standing beside a rented plant, wearing a floor- Mario Cuomo at Club El Morocco. "I'm married for 35 years and
length black leather overcoat. "Nobody's ever made a film like I'm accustomed to seeing the eleven o'clock news and going to
this before." He takes a long pull of Diet Coke. "See, I have this sleep at 1 1:30. But Jim and I started talking at a quarter to flirte
theory about Creationthat Creation is God's orgasm and that and we didn't leave each other" Kanter pauses to let the sig-
the universe is His come spurting out into time and space." nificance of this sink in " until 3: 15 in the morning."
Last summer, thanks to the At the end of this late-night
intervention of a financial an- session, Kanter continues,
gel named Joe Kanter, Toback
WILL THE REALJAMES TOBACK "Jim says, 'Joe, you're just the
had six days and an empty, PLEASE PIPE DOWN? guy I'm looking for. You're the
newly built $2.8 million house guy that's going to make this
in Tenafly, New Jersey, to bring Comparing big talkerdirector James Toback with James Tobacks movie with me.'
to life his own creation, a doc- idealized version oíJamesToback (Robert DowneyJr.) in his 1987 film,
Haunted by his encounter
The Pick-Up Artist, gives us a special insight into how he sees himself.
umentary called The Big Bang.
Or how he wants us to see him. Or how he wants credulous video- with Toback, Kanter couldn't
He assembled, among others, renting women to see him. sleep. "And I use the word
a nun, an Auschwitz survivor, haunt because Jim used
a basketball star, a Shearson he says, eyes full of admira-
Lehman Hutton executive, a tion. "Jim said this was a new
New Yorker writer and an as- type of film that had no prece-
NAME James Tohak Jack Jerich'
tronomer and filmed them an- AGE, WEIGHT, DE- 44, about 200, balding 2!. about 140, full head of hair
swering his questions about (JREEFBALDN cent or it could be so fantastic,
OBVIOUS VIR11JES I not shy Teaches graik ghool, 'ares (oc his
sex and the cosmos (What do ms-a1iJgrandmnchee,savcsagirl's it would make a great deal of
Iativ:t (torn inobsctis
you think about when you XEMPLARYPICKUP Im Hasanyonecvertokiy'ouyouhas'e money. But more important, it
masturbate? Is orgasm your LINE director. Pk.c the(.isco1.Boctxelliandthebody
RvaIIy, I am.
ich)))

ot a Degas' could really be a role model for

most satisfying state of con- AMBLINGHABITS FrvsiucntsOTh , use sa Sa»hesiiutagambIebutcir- what film could do in the way
h(x)kie atnds Gan hkes Qlmstan«s k.id him to win Sys.00()
sciousness? Where is God?). AHOI)ThOUS W .0Cc t arlicr at roulette by betting all his money of art.
mc VhC, Ofl One spin of Che wheel
He plans to intercut this foot-
. . .

My life s richer and more

. Li

TISGJI(Y
age with a violin soloist who UNSAVORY Claims co have' b«n Shoursdownmobscersinaowikd meaningful because of Jim
ASSoCIATIONS chrcatt-ncd by t) Sc 05 ob Aclanuc City easno and hies
played the White House and a FINANCIALSTAThS pay his Hie yard Doesncpayhisrcntncimc Toback," Kanter continues.
Club bill 'so Chishe
12-man breakdance group. ISCONSIDF.RED Young. 51,
.

His landlord; thr neighborhood

"Who but Jim would have
thought of that?" Kanter, the
financial angel, says in his
sunny southern accent. "Mix-
Indeed his 6 hours and 30
CHARMINGBY a«)ulouswnm s) grngroceecheiopswhoaIways minutes with Toback, he says,
caish him making out with women
inhsscar;theowner,stthelocal brought him to a deeper level
diner; his grade hooI pupib; a mug
gcratConcylslandandcveiywom- of intimacy than he'd ever
an In the hIm but onc. who musc be
.

alesboorsomerhing reached with most of his old

ing Bach with breakdancers"
Watching the shoot, Kanter, 65, glows with the radiance of
the rich. Chairman of the board of the Bank of Florida, he
cofinanced Ironwecdand is Toback's business partner in The Big
Bang. Sometimes he naps on the rented bed in the production
office, sometimes he jogs around Tenafly in the running clothes
he always carries with him. But what Kanter likes best is being
on the set, collaborating with a genius his genius.
Kanter is amazed by almost everything Toback does, so much
so that when he was unable to recruit investors with his own
enthusiasm for the film, he put up half the budget himself.
Toback, also using his own funds, provided the other half.
Sitting in the foodless kitchen, dressed in a blue work shirt
("bought on Rodeo Drive") and a silk jacket ("made in Italy"),
P.ujISt'wj
,
friends. "This was not small
talk. He asked questions about the cosmos and life and death
and sexmeaningful questions that we all want to ask but
don't have the guts."
He sprities some breath spray into his mouth. "Some of these
sex questions I haven't even talked about to my wife, " he ad-
mits. "But if one person comes away from this movie and learns
to communicate, if the world out there that copies America's
hamburgers and jeans and music, if they start communicating
the heads of Africa and Egypt!-then life could imitate art!"
He pauses at the enormity of this thought and then adds, "Well,
everything has to start somewhere, doesn't it?"
- Jomie Diamond
The Big Bang has no scheduled release date.

8 SPY MARCH 198')

 ¿ ¿ /jit % I fO[ ' ,)7r1 J

¿)ri 4e /2_t ,Cr1 4 ç,', ç v4 ' jus n j ¿;.( pi j i e -i (i. U J i k t'td fii cl-i ? ¡rn«,p-z
ForgtIt de!ieryofLa Grande Passion anywtwe. call 1.SQO-CHEERUP i exceo where prohbted by w Produc o ace 8 poo. * 1988 Caron Imporws. Ltd.. Teaneck, Ñ.J.

Hazardous moterial is
defined by the Tribor-
ough Bridge and Tunnel
Authority as 'any ex-
plosive or flammable liq-
uid . . . combustible liq-
uid, fiommable solid,
corrolive material, non-
flammable compressed
gas which is poison-
ous. . . radioactivemate-
rial, or any other poison-
0Li5 substance.'
You're probably
standing in it.
New York's tap-water
and smog ratings may
be acceptable, but in and
around Manhattan we're
awash in radioactive,
infectious and other-
wise hazardous waste
and we're not speak-
in9 metaphorically here.
A utility spokesman
claims he can safely
stand right next to plu-
tonium "as long os I
don't inhale it, " but
many of us don't know
when and where not to
inhale. These days
there's more medical
waste on the streets of
Now York thon SABY ON
BOARD signs. And facto-
ries ore required by law
to report chemicals re-
leased through smoke-
stacks and air vents or
into sewers, but you
may not want to hear
about it. (Note: we
couldn't include every.
thing; see future SPY
Maps for chemicals re-
leased into the air, ra-
don clouds hovering in
homes, ten tons of as-
bestos sitting in o Bronx
parking lot and other
apocalyptic highlights.)
4f RADIAC RESEARCH
11
E 1
CORPORATION, WIL-
LIAMSBURG The Supermon-ihIy
named Rodioc ii o itorøg +ociIut.
mostly for lob chemicals OEnd Iow
level radioactive waite owoiting
shipment to dispooI sites else-
whcrc.
_.#' RADIUM CHEMICAL
fi
I-
CO., WOODSIDE Its
operating license was resoked in
1983. but that didn't stop the 76-
year-old company from recciing
at least 30 more shipments of ra-
dium, used in
the Dark Ages of
cancer therapy, and storing it in vi-
oli that leaked. Since 1983 it's rc-
ceived over i 14 citations for state
safety violations. including miv-
handling and losing radium.
Gamma rays outside the building
ore only 40 times thc legal limit;
inside you get your yearly dose in
two and s holt hcurs, The owner
abandoned two other contami-
switched roles: o block-long trail of
hundrcds of nccdlcs, scalpels,
bloody gauze pads, blood-filled
tubes and vials, and on issue of
Modern Heofthcarc addressed to
on cdministrator at St. Luke's-
Roosevelt Hospital Center, way
across town at i 14th Street and
Amsterdam Avenue.
,')
ALL BEACHES:
'l BROOKLYN, QUEENS,
j 15fatal to animals.
STATEN ISLAND, LONG ISLAND,
CONNECTICUT, NEW JERSEY,
RHODE ISLAND, LAKE ERIE
1: j VAN DAM STREET BE-
b LI
TWEEN MEEKER AVE.
NUE AND BRIDGEWATER STREET,
GREENPOINT Eight bags of dispos'
able hotpttol sheets, adult diapers,
food waste, srinqes, bloody sirgi.
cal g'oves and forceps with skin
still attached were found Strewn
along the street. Some of the
waste bore labels trarsi two Bronx
moved 1,700 truckloads of PCB-
contaminated soil from the site
without o permit
FEATURE ENTER-
I PRISES, 130 WEST
¿rj
46TH STREET Feature, o jewelry
manufacturer, empties 98,000
pounds of sodium hydroxide per
year into city sewers - almost a
ton every week, Sodium hydroxide
. MOBIL OIL STORAGE
U staloctites of what appears to be
J TANKS, GREENPOINT
This is where Mobil stores 23 mii'
lion gallons of fuel oil, gasoline
ond napfitha, 17 million gallons of
which have leaked into the ground
uve, 40 years; 14 miIl,on gallons
are still at large. Mobil is on the
cose, however, digging recovery
wells, which have sa far succeeded
only in esposing o new leak The
city's Environmental Protection
Department says the groundwater
is ruined. Surprisingly, Mobil PR
man Mark Cohen disagrees: "It's
not true."
.
.. Il 63RD STREET-EAST
.
:.: j RIVER SUBWAY TUN.
NEL After S850 million and 20
years, the still'unuscd ì'milc
tunnel is flooded from leaks and
seepage and has become o rornon-
tic, Phantom-like, garbage-filled
river os deep as six feet. Featured
are rotted electrical equipment,
disintegrated concrete, and rusted
pieces of track.
PYMM THERMOME-
'Th
Ib 1u TER COMPANY In
1987 a Brooklyn jury convicted
owners William and Edward Ppmm
of assault for forcing workers to
inhale mercury fumes in an uncen-
tiloted basement for two years.
(The State Supreme Court set aside
the guilty verdict on o technicality.(
r z
PELHAM BAY LAND-
Ci ¿ FILL From 1963 to
1979 this spot was used by 14 mo-
Or corporations to illegolly dump
toxic wcstet that may now be leak-
ing into Long Island Sound and
Easrchester Boy. Residents of
nearby communities believe thot
os o result they arc disproportion'
atcly afflicted with Hodgkin's dii'
ease and other kinds of cancer, and
that their child,en are unusuallt
prone to autïsm.
.
9 LOWER BAY BE-
:'::
TWEEN BREEZY POINT
AND GREAT KILLS HARBOR A
thousand yardi from the Rocko'
ways, Coney Island ar.d South
Beach is the Army Corps of Engi.
neers' proposed dump site for
PCBs, heavy metals and other vari-
ously lethal sediments.
OCEAN,
(! TEN MILES EAST OF
:1'ATLANTIC
SANDY HOOK Site used for 73
years to dump sewage sludge, lead
and dioxins.
,,
LONG ISLAND Fifty'
91
(i't four public wells have
been closed because of contamina-
tior, from f.rtdizors and pet feces.
LONG ISLAND One
o
(J3
hundred forty'two
hazardous-waste disposal sites, of
which 22 arc poisonous enough to
qualify for federal Superfund
cleanup allocations.
 GLOWI6 IN
THE DARK
Rødiooct.c wust in th ario
com prirnorilyfrorn nueIarpowcr r
plcMs, hospitals and rciearch labs.
Nuclear po wer pio nts ore gene rally 'j j
located away from earthquake-
prone orcos," says the Arnericon
Nuclear Society. Yes, generally'
except for all of the ones around
NewYork.among them:

iNDiAN POINT 2.
I1.1 INDIAN POINT 3,
BUCHANAN

?j NINE MILE POINT ONE,

I NINE MILE POINT TWO
OSWEGO

t' JAMES A. FITZPATRICK

I
j NIJCLFAR PLANT,
OS WE GO

-- I GINNA NUCLEAR
I i
PLANT,ROCHESTER

_tz_" SHOREHAM NUCLEAR

,,
d powip STATION Shore-
ham's fate s still up n the air at
this writing, but f Cuomo's plan
far the stare to buy the LILCO
boondoggle fcr S i i consummat-
ed, it would then take at cost 2 to S
years for on environmental-impact
study probably S to 10 more
years to dismantle the plont nd
another 10000 years for Shoreharn
to stop glowing in the dark.
noted factories, in Georgia and Iii-
nais, forcing those states to pay for
the cleanup; he ws last seen try-
ng to foist off his Woodside tnven-
tory on Third World countries. In
1987 o spokesman claimed, "In the
history of the company, there has
never becn a safety-related mci-
dent"; it was uidcr criminal inves-
haspitals, St. Barnabas od Hebrew
Hopitol for the Chrorc Stck.
Spokesmen at both dend any
knowledge of the bags, and . Bar-
nabas spokeswoman Bai1bora
Buchner told the Perot 'Norfting
like ths hcs ever happened '
r

r BELLPORT Contorni- MYSTERY

I .? tigotiOn by the state Attorney Gen-
noted soil has been eral' Office at he time.
found ot the torn,er titO Of the INC RE 11 lE N T S
Long Ilond Nucleot Ser.ices Corp., MISCELLANEOUS POLLUTERS
a nuclear-waste storage and trans VALUABLE
fer business. - .. NEW YORK HARBOR
.
DOCTOR'S .. .. j Three billion gallons a
4f r BROOKHAVEN N*- £Q'JIPMENT FOR FREE day of waste water containing pes-
I TIONAL LABORATORY. tictdcs, fertilizcrs, oil, grease and
UPTON Prolifk low-level radiooc- GREENPOINT INCIN- sewage end up here.
1m¼.r
tire-waste producer. ERATOR The latest
sttc for Cabrini Medical Center in juLTRUMP (NE TELEVI
235 EAST 44TH STREET .- U SION
p4f Manhattan to illegally dispose of CITY, WEST
a.
o Just on isotopes throw its infectious wotte, according to END AVENUE BETWEEN 59TH
from Katharine Hepburns brown- Deportment of Sanitation charges AND 72ND STREETS Boorish
stone, the building was occupied condo peddler Donald Trump's lot.
from 1939 to 1944 by the Rodiuni :.ìi ,ì PLAYGROUND AT cSt plans for the site of his defunct
(I
Chemical Company and now emits -' 135TH STRFT AND NBC relocation scheme. According
radiatioi at breIs three times the MADISON AVENUE It's os if Nan to the Environmental Protection
state limit. el and Gretel and the witch Deportment, someone furtively rn
;. r,
j'
L4
I :
- p
a1 !P'
 HUVV CAMP CHANGED FROM LUSH TO UTE,

FIY DAVID LETTERMAN IS A GOD,

OUR FIELD GUIDE TO THE UNVIITTINGLY HIP

AND THE FASHIONABLY UNFASHIONABLE,

AND AN INTRODUCTION TO THE

TINY CONVERSATIONAL ART OF AIR QUOTES

Meet Bob and Betty.

Bob is wearing a
\L\R SPY
 vintage clothing boutique for approximately six
times the garmcnts original 1952 price. He also
carries his lunch in a tackle box and wears a
Gumby wristwatch, Converse high-tops and baggy
khakis from Banana Republic; at the store, the
pants had been stacked in an artfully ruined
Indiana Jonesstyle jeep. Bob describes his look as
Harry Truman mixed with early Jerry Mathers.
Bob assumes we know that Mathers played the
title role on Leave It to Beaver.
Betty wears Capri pants, ballet flats and a man's
oversize white shirt, along with a multizippered
black-leather motorcycle jacket imprinted with
Cyrillic letters. She's Audrey Hepburn by way of
Patty Duke as James Dean's girlfriend waiting on
the drag strip. Betty refers to herself as Bobs Sold
lady. Bob calls himself Dad. When Bob and
Betty describe themselves in these ways, they raise
the middle and forefingers of both hands,
LET YOUR momentarily forming twitching bunny ears air
quotes, the quintessential contemporary gesture that
FINGERS DO says, We're not serious.
THE TALKING Betty and Bob have a child, a two-year-old whom
they call Kitten. The child is probably too young
How Hand Semaphore to catch the reference to Father Knows Best, even
Evolved from Thumbs-Up though she sits with her parents when they watch
Earnestness to Nfrk at Nite, the cable TV service devoted almost
Air-Quotes Irony entirely to the quasi-ironic recapitulation of shows
from the early 1960s. The invitations to Betty and
Bob's wedding were printed with sketches of
jitterbugging couples; for their honeymoon they
rented a station wagon and drove south, visiting
Graceland, Cypress Gardens and the Texas School
Book Depository. Betty and Bob buy Fiescaware
and Bakelite jewelry and beaded injun belts, as
1935- 44 well as souvenirs from the 1964 World's Fair and
atomic furniture from the fifties rea1 Jetsons
stuff. Bob has taught the family mutt, Spot, to do
the twist. Bob dreams that his animal will one day
appear on the Stupid Pet Tricks' segment of Late
Night With David Letterman. Bob works in
advertising, like Darrin on Bewitched. Betty is a
corporate attorney - a lawyer from hell, she says.
Bob and Betty are fictional, but Bob and Berry are
everywhere. Welcome to the wacky, totally
awesome, very late- I 980s world of heterosexual
camp, Camp Lite. This is the era of the permanent
smirk, the knowing chuckle, of jokey ambivalence
as a way of life. This is the Irony Epidemic.
No WONDER IT'S COME TO THISWE'VE BEEN
building up to a mass outbreak for a century. Oscar
Wilde was a major celebrity, remember, even in
America. There were the Symbolists and Ronald
Firbank and DadaMarcel Duchamp was the
Letterman of his generation as much as he was the
Schnabeland Hollywood comedies of the 1930s.
It was Cary Grant's ironic swerves that put him
94 SPY MARCH 1989
when Grant refers to Bruce Baldwin, played by
Ralph Bellamy, he describes him as that guy who
looks like that Iella in the moviesRalph Bellamy.
From the 1940s through the 1960s, America had
plenty of everything big appliances, steady jobs,
Crest with fluorideeverything except irony. Bob's
and Betty's parents, having survived a depression
and a world war intact, were perhaps disinclined to
dress up in outfits amusingly evocative of the
Hoover era, or to see the inherent comedy in their
new tract houses. Little Bob and little Betty,
however, sprawled in front of the Sylvania, gorging
on Hydroxes and doing their social studies
homework between Soupy Sales and The George
Burns and Gracie Allen Show, were learning to bite
the hands that overfed them, ironists in the
making. Instead of war and economic cataclysm,
their coming-of-age rituals consisted of signing
petitions and taking drugs; more than any previous
generation, they have the luxury of making fun, of
grinning and scoffing, of being ironic. Irony has
always been a luxury item, but now, like foreign
travel and original art, it is a luxury that millions
of people can afford. When you have spent your
whole life on Easy Street, you can become Dan
Q uayle, or you can become part of the Irony
Epidemic. Or, if you're of a mind to organize an
absolutely nutty George Hamilton Memorial
Limbo Competition at the country club, both.
Among the early symptoms of the Irony Epidemic
was pop art. Paintings of soup cans, paintings of
Elvis, paintings of comic-book panels, sculptures
made out of detergent boxes . . . hey, art isn't
serious, it's a hoot! The allusions were to fifties
Hollywood and sixties television, not to Periclean
Athens or the eighteenth century; irony was
suddenly accessible, irony was fun.
The year for pop art was 1964, the same year
Susan Sontag published Notes on Camp.
Sontag's essay was like a thrilling, open-ended
mother's excuse note for a whole generation of
gifted children: To Whom lt May Concern:Johnny bas
my permission to enjoy TV andJacqueline Susana
books. The most serious woman in America gave her
imprimatur to a jolly, perverse sensibility that was,
back then and in the main, homosexual and male,
a sensibility that embraced pop junkJudy
Garland, complicated floral prints, truck-stop
waitresses, The Supremes, plastic purses, the tango,
whatever - as well as the high-culture obligatories.
A campy outlook, Sontag announced, permitted
refined people to wander happily through an
unrefined world: if you can't prevent Miami
Beach, you can learn to love it, sort of. During
the sixties, irony was camp, camp was irony.
Camp was patented by gay men; camp is a kind
of gay soul . Ostracized groups tend to create their
own art forms, out of necessity; soul music, with its
 gospel heritage. means something to Arerha
, t : Franklin that it cannot possibly mean to Hall and
.' \ Oates. Old camp obsesses on the brazen, the
j sophisticated. even the European. Old camp wants
- '
'? I to puffa cigarette in an ivory holder while lolling
bad entertainment. Roy Lichrenstein was prime-
time. Camp Lite had arrived.
The larger epidemic of irony, meanwhile, was
spreading more slowly. The counterculture was
virtually irony-free: for every Firesign Theater

41
.

,.
i.
,7
Iatop a baby grand at the Ritz. Old camp fetishizes
self-sacrifice and romantic agony, the scale of
emotions usually available only to women,
record, there were hundreds of Earth Day
manifestos, Jane Fonda declarations of solidarity,
J ohn Lindsay displays of earnestness, communal
/94 I 4;,; especially women in important wigs. suppers of tofu and human placenta.
Notes on Camp' was still ricocheting around J ust when it became clear that John Lindsay and
intelleauals heretofore orderly brains Diana! placenta-eating were not going to transform the
Lionel! We'vejust got/en backfrom Disneyland, ojal! world, an irony industry sprang up to fill the void.

C Sno
FOOD"
Balls

Orcos
p/aces.'whcn Robert Venturi wrote his book

AMP LITE DOMESTIC LIFE

"CL.OTHI"
Ray-Ban Wayfarers

Schott leather jackets

Bob had subscribed to National Lampoon when he
was still in high school; for their first date, Bob
took Betty to the Lampoon's Off-Broadway show,
Lemmingi-, their first purchase as a couple was a
color Sony, bought so they could watch Saturday
Night Live. In a few years, a generacions perpetual
frown had become a perpetual smirk.
One minute everything had been deadly earnest.
The next minute everything was amusing. Gerald
Fizzics Beaded cashmere sweaters Ford bumping his head was funny. Patty Hearst as
SMores Madras sports jackets a revolutionary bank robber was funny. Jimmy
and Bermuda shorts Carter fighting off a rabbit was funny. Even
Flurternuttersor any dessert
made from a recipe on the Rice Oversize 'vintage' overcoats Richard Nixon, once he had been purged, became
Krispies or Ritz crackers box Seamed hosiery a laughable character, Oscar the Grouch with
Tuna casserole Garter belts underlings. Thanks to Steve Martin and Bill
Je[lO Old prom dresses Murray and SCTV, schlock comedians and schlock
Cheez Whiz Gaudy neckties worn with singers were funny unintentionally so, ironically
Pigs-in-blankets gabardine shirts and suspenders so. The entire malformed, third-rate pop culture
1-v dinners Levis jackets with Elvis or Marilyn universe was, in fact, suddenly a wellspring of
hand-painted on the back unwitting mirh, of 'found burnor.' To get the
ADULT LEISURE ACTIVITIES" Opera gloves joke, all you had to do was what you had always
Twister Patent-leather purses done best watch a lot ojTV: game shows were
Etch A Sketch Bright-colored Converse high-tops funny, cheap late-night commercials were funny,
Tee We Tooiiss three-volume set an cable (especially public-access cable) was funny,
of television theme songs, U (IUfl J ack Lord was funny, Marie Osmond was funny,
Television 'i Greattit Hits Boomerang-shaped tables Tom Snyder was funny, Jerry Lewis and his
Trade paperbacks that detail every Patterned linoleum telethon werc funny and none ofthern knew it,
episode of The Honeywooner,
The Beverly ¡-ijllbjIIjt'J or Beanbag chairs which made them all the funnier. Even chunks of
Gilhgan j Is/and i.ava lamps nontelevised life - trailer parks, theme parks, the
Slumber parties, bachelor parties Black-and-white RCA TVs National Enquirer, the New York Post. morticians'
and sock hops trade magazineswere funny. The Irony Epidemic
Framed pre- 1970 L:fe magazine
Barbecues covers was just gathering steam when Bob and Betty first
Bowling Jukeboxes started going to certain movies (Plan 9frorn Outer
Cocktails after work - P.R. Space, for instance) because they were so bad, and it
had achieved its full range when there was a whole
celebrating Las Vegas, thus pushing architecture off subculture devoted to bad movies bad-film
on its own snickery detour. After Venturi (even his books, bad-film festivals, bad-film scholars (see
name sounded like sorne kitschy car, an Impala Camp Lite Goes to College,' page 96).
with fins and cruise control), major buildings could Camp Lite consists especially of a fetishism for the
look like billboards and motelsas long as they good-old-days artifacts that the Irony Epidemic has
looked that way ironically. Or major buildings turned upRay-Bans and skinny ties, Sergeant
_7J::
-l-.-
( could have columns and gables and keystones and
all kinds olquaint bric-a-bracas long as the old-
Bilko and Bermuda shorts. The rise ofCamp Lite
can be traced to the Hollywood nostalgia
/
(
I//i
I(
fashioned geegaws were applied ironically. productions of the 1970s: American Graffiti and
Warhol, Sontag, Venturi then, during the same Animal House, Grease and Happy Days. These were
Big Bang, Bairnan came to TV, demonstrating that the works that portrayed the fifties and early sixties
ordinary Americans would go for stylized, mock- as something to be pined for, something cute and

MARCH 1989 SPY 9

 pastel-colored and fun rather than racist and
oppressive and un-air-conditioned.
Whereas camp during the fifties and sixties
emerged from the more passionate. fabled art
forms of ballet, opera and Joan Crawford vehicles,
Camp Lite is almost purely the spawn of fifties and
sixties television, with its bland sitcom chuckles
/967 7J and tiny, comfy dilemmas. Camp Lite is limked to
the nonintellectual, to lunch boxes and memories
of summer Scout outings. True camp, homo- or
heterosexual, lampoons and adores, while Camp
Lite reflexively eulogizes and coddles.
Camp can curdle in the benign clutches of 10
million Bobs and Bettys, and in nostalgia
junkyards such as Nick at Nue. When a minority
form is coopted, there is always a loss of dynamic,
of nuance. Imagine a Debbie Gibson rendition of
Respect. Consider Bruce Willis's Camp Lite
pseudo-Bogie shtick. Camp Lite at its mass-
marketed worst - Spuds Mackenzie, Hard Rock
Cafes, Willishas no edge, no gilded layers. Its
allusions can become entirely arbitrary. The new
Fox science-and-technology TV show, Beyond
Tomorrow, features human Camp Lite artifacts
Alan HaleJr., Jo Anne Worley, Mickey Dolenz,
Charo in its commercials for no particular reaion,
a Fox spokesperson says, just because . . . well. we
thought the)' were cool. Even in its more wholesome
forms, Camp Lite is mere Trivial Pursuit, a matter
of lists, of congratulating oneself on remembering,
for instance, all the first names oi the Brady Bunch.
The only thing more unnerving than the
proliferation of air (lU0tC (Between my significazt
other' and ,ny 'career. I .co,neli,ne.c wonder whether
goingfor the good life znake sense) is when they
imperceptibly fade away. Camp Lite, after all,
began with a genuine ironic impulsethe first few
dozen l980s buildings with columns, the first few
hundred times They laugh alike, they walk alike.
at times they even talk alike' was sung by young
adults late at night, the first few thousand men
ho buttoned their top shirt buttons. But after a
million and then 10 million repetitions, the once
ironic gesture begins to lose the perversity that
made it interesting in the first place.
In the middle of an Irony Epidemic, nothing stays
ironic for very long: in record time, the vogue for
sixties fashion (peace symbols, miniskirts, Day-
Gb) evolved from a jokey cognoscenti revival to a
straight-faced mass-market merchandising
phenomenon has already drifted, for the second
time in two decades, toward the dustheap of the
passé. From Avenue C to K Mart in five years flat,
via Elle and MTV - such is the force of Camp Lite.
A knowing Bohemian flicker becomes a mindless
national bonfire, mock nostalgia turns into the real
thing. What starts out as a perverse, essentially
ironic appreciation of the detritus of the last several
decades of porkpie hats, Mr. Ed, Twister, Led
Zeppelin, poodle skirtsvery quickly becomes an

Shopping Mall (1985) the Eliot canon and tribal courtshiç

CMP LITE GOES TO COLLEGE

I. "What? Mc Study?: A Selective
Survey of the Mildly Antiau-
thoritorian Thesis Topics of Lote-
Twentieth-Century University
Students"
You're a college student. Its rime to
choose a topic for your senior paper.
You don't 'ant to wrire about
Keats or feudalism like everyone
else. You're not about to buy into
the whole academically corre« es-
tablishment thing. Plus, the only
primary sources you know really.
really well, the only texts in which
you have a deep fluency, are old TV
sitcoms, game shows, pop music,
comic books, Like other ironically
inclined contemporaries. you'll
write a thesis on pop culture: The
Outsider as Hero of Urban Mythol-
ogy in Supefl; and Sha/i, for in-
Jprezzatura. risk-t'ree scholarship:
the text, the footnotes and the title
page will lock perfectly legitimate
to professors and parents, while the
topic (camouflaged in academic
jargon, as in Strategies for Hetero-
sexual Interaction in Singles Bars)
is a wink to classmates and your
own ironic self that youre not really
a grade-grubbing weenie.
None of the titles cited in the
preceding paragraph is, as far as we
know, an actual thesis. Those cata-
loged below. howeverattention.
Alla,, B/oom!arc real titles from
Amherst, Harvard. Stanford and
Yale.
. 'The Glory Shall Be a Defense:
The L969 Mets and New York
City (1984)
. Elvis as Hero of Global Village
. 'All My Children: A Literary
Study ofSoap Operas' (1985)
. 'Organized Summer Camping:
Ari Institution of Stability for
American Youth in Times of Transi-
tWO (1986)
. . 'I Heard lt Through the Grape-
%'me': An Exploration of the
Motown Sound ( 1986)
. 'Why Spock Isnt Captain: Con-
trol and Self-Determination in
flAR TREK (1987)
. Nostalgia for the 1960s in pu-
lar Culture: The Mythification of
the Age of Aquarius' (1988)
. 'Rhymin' and Stealin ': The
Beastie Boys Phenomenon 1987'
(1988)
Gets you thinking, doesn't it After
all, s'ou have always thought
Scrooge McDuck was an overlooked
manifestation of the Jay Gatsby
echos. You can champion the cause
of the common man, proving the
relevance and value of TV shows
and T-shirt slogans by means of
rituals. You can (lUOte both Roland
Barthes and Larry the dorm janitot
(a typical McDuck fan). ks all a
slightly more intellectual version of
the Bu: Dad. Jeui had long hair.
dinner-table argument. And nc
matter how hard you work on it.
you are still, after all, getting credit
for reading cornici: indeed, you rc
living the undergraduate dream -
obeying authority while giving tht
impression that you're not the sort
of person who obeys authority.
Il. "The 'Real' World: Toward ar
Understanding of the Problem of
P o s t g r a d u a t e - C a r e e r- D e c is io r
Deferral Processes"
You've graduated. Your thesis
grader conceded that Huey. Dewe)
and Louic did resemble, to somt
extent, a zoomorphic tripartite Nick
C.arraway. Now what Get a job'
That would be as embarrassingly
straightforward as .... cIl . . hay' .

stance. or Elysian Fielders: The Culture (1984) pseudo-Derridean deconstruction ing written a serious thesis. The al'
Chrono-Spatial Existentialism of . 'Rebuilding the Dream: Artifice and favorable comparison with such ternative Lu.e ¡be joke-graduate
Professional Baseball. lt's strident and Authenticity in the American accepted academic benchmarks as school.

96$PYMAR(H 1989
 automatic, essentialls earnest appreciation. As this
dede began , posrniodern archi eccs and painters
vcre playing around, fun-lovingly quoting the
taboo past with their cartoony colonnades and
corny ar(hes. their human hgures and rea!is:1
tabicaux; beÍoc the decade was half over. the
postnodernists wert proffering their columns and
/.'#_f portraits with deadly eriousncss. As this dec4tk
began Bob and Betty thought kidney-shaped
cotee tables were amusing inonstros:ries: as thc:
decade ends. Bob and Betty consider them nierely
stylish. Does anyone think Neu Yorker editor
Robert Gottlieb doesnt ,?a'//i like PIastR pttses?
The Irony Epidemic has been a way for all kinds of
taboo stvks to sneak past the tastefulness
authorities Doit ,,,ind ii. ue.'e jI5I Aiddiiig and
then, Once inside. turn serious. By the end of the
Bush administration. Grand Funk R.ulroad will be
on a smash comeback tour.
petticoats to be applauded on their knack 1or retro
chk. The trend toward re-created fifties chromium
diners. like Ed Debevic's :n Chicago and L.A. , or
Manhatrans Dine-o-Mats. are pure exercises in
overeager Camp Lite merchandising. Dine-o Mat
oil Third Avenue and 5 7th Street teems with
where-irs-at youngsters at all hours; the genuine
I bm & Hardart Automat (owned bs' the same
corporation as the ersatz Dine-o-MaO. at 42nd and
Third. is patronized by a few bums amid cops and
household workers. Camp Lite produced the
Monkees reviva I the brand-name-studded pages of
Stephen King and Ann Beattic. the return of ugar
smoking, white cotton anklets worn with high
heels and the concept of Deb of the Year.
(;alrlp Lite does not celebrate orsavage: it does
nor gc-c its hands dirty. Camp Lite is about
avoidance. Today's irony-stricken yuppie lives in
terror of becoming . anything. Staking a claim
. .

During the Irony lpidcmic. even interesting
artists become arr dirernrs in anrhropologists
Lioching, advaiu.e men for Camp l.ite: in his film
rriie Storie.. David Byrne .00cd over Dust Bowl
trdiler aiks, teased hair and prefab shopping malls
as if rnurmnurmg. J mii:! get ihat po/e /a'ìipfoi pry
!oJL' Direiiors John Waters. Jonathar Demme and
Susan Seideirnan, in films suh as liai rcp y-ay.
laried io ¡he Ivlob and Alaking ìv1; Right. have also
indulged in kitsch glu. piling the screen wir hot
pink T-Bird converiblcs aiid rustling proni
can inspire ridicule: )oure a Iauve'Y Admitting to
marriage. parenthood to iri,tcurity lii iplies
aging. stolidity. 1f everything is a pose, a sitcom
riff. then soute still a kid. just goofing around.
Lhe punk movement, exported to the U.S.
during the earl years o1 the Irony Lpidemic,
became a pretext for a cerrin kind ofCamp Lite
artifactsafety-pin jewelry. Astor Place Mohawks,
Debbie Harry. And punk was a way for nerds to be
cool; a ccrta;n lev artlessness and arch egghead
lyrics (ly 6R1/ding ha.r every conz'enzence/lt s going

Dade around 1975, as papers on
idside diners began appearing in
lemic journals and spaghetti-
stern experts became full proles-
s, American Studies departments
ned their attention from the his-
ically significant (e.g., Herman
4vilk) to the quaint and the corn-
opiace (e.g. . Herman Munster).
w graduare school can be a per-
t mark-time paradise. scholarship
a smirk, the ultimate noncom-
tta1 ironic life-style.
HGoing Pro: The Ethnosocio-
cal Implications of the Pre-
Postdoctoral SeIf-Justifica-
Process"
komc to the faculty. Youve set-
in at your Qrrel, d«orating it
Trans Formers and Caesars Pal-
postcaids. Your oflice hours arc
red on the door, between unir-
ionally hilarious National En-
rtr clippings and Xcroxed pages
n the I 953 Boy Scoui Handbook.
I go to all che grad-student
ce air quotes here mixcrs in
ESSO gas pumper's jumpsuit
and an Rl:K memorial bolo rie. You
fancy yourselfa human hodgepodge
of amusing American trash.
But somewhere along the way,
the savvy smirk has become an al-
fecrionate grin. The implicit irony of
studying the Godzilla/Mothra
schism or K Mart iconography has
been replaced by reverence. You ac-
rually start believiirg that Scrooge
McDuck can tell us quite a hit
abotit ourselves as Americans.
Eventually you trade in your
hand-painted hula-girl tie and
Brooklyn Dodgers cap for a tweed
a&et and Bean boots both worn.
of course, ironically; once you were
Maynard G. Krebs, now youre
Professor Lawrence from Gidge:. In
pursuit of tenure, you publish an
article in the Journal of Arnerwan
Culture, put out by Bowling Green
State University and the Ipular
Culture Association. You flesh out
your McDuck thesis (expanding the
Meyer Wolisheim/Gyro Gearloose
parallel) and submit it. hs as rele-
vant now as it ever was, and ifs sure
to measure up alongside these actual
excerpts from recent issues of the
Jol:
REINTERPRETING THE FiniEs: CHANG.
iN(i Vjtw or A Duu. DECADE (Sum-
mer 1985) Put in the context of
the Happy Days format, was it a
stable. simple era of Richie Cun-
ninghams or a fantasy-land popu-
kited with Fonzie-like rebels?
THF WHIMSEY AND ITS Cocrr.xis: A
MULTI-CULTURAL MODEL 0E MATERiAL
CULTURE STUDY (Spring 1986)
The model is illustrated by an ex-
amination of a distinct type of
beaded novelty object made by Tus-
carora Iroquois women and mar-
keted as a souvenir in the tourist
area of Niagara Falls.
- TImE LOVE BOAT ; HiuH ART ON THE
HIGH SEAS (Fall 1983) The
study includes a surprising list of
some ocher behaviors that were ob-
served to be accompanying or inter-
rupting viewing: looking out of
windows, picking Ofl&S nose,
scratching . . . smoking, rocking ...
dressing and undressing, posing .
reciting . . . fighting . . . throwing
things . . . mimicking or answering
the TV . . . picking up objects . .
pacing. asking questions about the
.1-v, teasing and hair combing were
among some of these behaviors.
This extensive list is cited because it
reveals the complexity of television
viewing behavior.
THE MCDONALDIZATION or SOC1ETY
(Spring 1983)
THE VENEREAL CoNFRoNTs THE
'FNERAßLE: P-LAYOOY ON CHRISTMAs
(Winter 1984) The costumes
white beard has fallen round her
neck to cover the front of her ho-
som; her buttocks stick out from the
costum&s waistband.
CALIFORNIA GIRLSANDTHE AMERICAN
EDEN (Winter 1984)
COMIC BOOK LUDDITE: THE SAGA OF
MAGNUS. ROBOT FIGHTER (Spring/
Summer l984)Asacomic book,
Magnni, Robo: Fighter falls into that
amorphous category known as pop-
ular culture,' part ofrhe literature of
the masses, the vernacular reading
of the common folk. Because of
rhis, comic books have only recently
become the subject of serious schol-
arly inquixy. Paul Simzni

MAR( II )X) 5PY

 to make life easyfor îiie) became, in the case of
Çk4 Talking Heads, ironic rock, Sondheim for kids.
Dylan had made alienation stylish, but now ir
chuckled instead ofwhined. As the Irony Epidemic
kicked into high gear Sid Vicious, a bona fide
angry young punk, recorded, sniggeringly, My
Way. And today even rap music, the
(]uintesscntial underclass form , incorporates
snatches of thc I Dream ofJeannie theme; who says
Camp Lite is lily-white?
Victims of the Irony Epidemic do not dread
commitment they fear uncoolness. When Bob
vears his garish shirts or his black-rimmed nerd
glasses. he implicitly announces, I am aware enough
to apprenait the .cquarcnc.us of this shirt und these
glasses; I don't like the,e i get them. When Betty
dons her thrift shop Ilolly Gulightly strapless, she
wears ir as a costume, so she cant be accused of
becoming her mother. Bob and Betty idolize
Letterman; because he keeps things goofy and
light, there's no danger of embarrassment.
Letterman is enormously talented, of course, hut he
can become the hipsters Perry Como. Letterman,
as the avatar of Camp Lite, as Mr. Ambivalence, is
usually thrown b' anything truly, weirdly campy.
Pee-wee Herman makes him uncomfortable, as
does Sandra Bernhard. Pee-wee and Bernhard
possess the heedless risk of true camp. They toy
with gender, with anguish and dementia.
CAMP LITE TRUE CAMP
. Watching a videocassette of One Mi//ton s Working OUt tO Raquels exercise video and
Years B.C. , starring Raquel Welch as a wondering if Tahnec, Raquel's daughter, is
cavewuman a happy girl
. Having a cookout. wearing madras Bermu- s Attending the trial of a particularly ba-
das and playing Beach Boys talxs roque serial killer
. Giving someone a copy of Jackie Collinss . Buying a gown from The Dynasty Collec-
Hollywood Wives as a joke gift Lion and wearing 1oecr Krystle toilet
water
s Ritual group viewings of Lifestyles of ¡he . Watching only those L:fes:y/cs segments
Rkh and Famous that feature Donna Mills behind the Iron
Curtain
s Attending the Warhol auction . Attending the Warhol funeral
Letterman is far happier around people like Larry
Bud Melman, his proprietary piece of flesh-and-
blood found humortargets, curious oafs,
threatless.
Camp Lite tends to focus on the mild, the rural or
suburban, and the male. Witness Letterman's
fixation on small-town news items, on animal acts
and the lad who nurtured the largest okra in luwa.
Camp Lite yearns for childhood in a wheat field,
adolescence ori the beach at Rinón; Dad at the
barbecue is God. Camp Lite, at worst, is a cocktail
(
parry that descends into group renditions of the
theme from The Flinistones and critical debates
¿.%T'!/ about whether Gill:gan ever got oW the island.
The Reagan years have been Camp Lite incarnate,
the great winking downside of the Irony Epidemic.
98 SPY MARCH 1989
By seeing Reagan as a joke, as Mr. Magoo or Don
DeFore's dim Mr. B froto Hazel, young America
denatured him. No one had to dwell on the
ugliness of his policies if he was treated as a
cartoon, sleepily wed to Cruella De Vil. Voting
Republican l'ias become a pose rather than a sin.
Air quotes abound nowadays. Air quotes
eliminate responsibility for one's actions, one's
choices. Bob tells co-workers wich a grin that heSs
got to get home toraise hands, insert air quotes
here the little woman, or to ¡he wife and kids, as ti
his family didn't really exist, as if he's still a wild
anduazy guy. Betty tells friends she's ultra-Type
A and, with air quotes, a yuppie madwornan, so
they won't imagine she actually enjoys her 12-hour
days at the firm.
Aïr quotes undermine any real art. The paintings
of David Salle, endlessly and almost purely
referential, Moonlighting, even Who Framed Roger
Rabbitall of them are Xeroxed clip jobs, Cliffs
Notes on fondly remembered original works of the
past. Real art and regular hobbies you can happily
experience in solitude. But given the choice, who
would play miniature golf or go to a Cindy
Sherman show alone Art in the age of air quotes
requires a fellow smirker, someone else smart
enough to get it. Irony is a group sport. A certain
SOft of postgraduate hoy can go with other
postgraduate boys to
'a'atch strippers and enjoy the sho's ironically;
alone, he would consider himself pathetic.
Camp Lite uses irony as an anesthetic, an escape
route. It is a breed of timidity, a reluctance to rock
the yacht. Camp Lite can redeem itself, by
cultivating some danger, some bracing recklessness.
some of the alienating weirdness that spawned it.
Otherwise, Camp Lite will remain a smug reflex, a
painless roost for guys 'n' gals without imagination
or real spunk, a mask for easy condescension
-I /oveJoe Franklin.'
The place ofJoe Franklin may be a benchmark
for the remarkable sweep of the Irony Epidemic,
circa l99. Franklin now knov.'s he has become an
object of jokes, a piece of found humor. He even
claims to be complicit in the process. Look, my
friend,' Franklin told the Timei, Billy Crystal, he's
doing a satire on a satire. list putting on the whole
world I'm tongue-in-checking every moment of
my life.' Nor is he the only one: Thh Hunter
appeared in a John Waters movie, Frankie Avalon
and Annette Funicello made the Camp Lite Back to
the Beach in 1987, Robert Goulet was in both
Beetlejiiice and Scrooged, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Charo
flounced around on Pee-wee's CBS special last
Christmas, Vanna White suggests she understands
she's just a Pet Rock with blond hair and breasts.
When the kitsch starts talking back Look, I know
I, schlock, I knau; i'm ajoke it's almost enough to
make a person turn earnest.
 ATINO MEAT LOAF NEAR THE UNIS

LET US NO PRAISE THE UNITTINGY

In big, interesting cities today (and nowhere more than New York) it seems that almost everything
and everybody is hip willfully, relentlessly hip. There is slick-as-glass modern sophistication the
women's store at Barneys, Broadway Video and the World Financial Center, Gregory Mosher
and Richard Meier. And, more to the present point, there is quasi-Bohemian hip, the hip of those
people and places with carefully calibrated ironic posesTrixie's, the East Village and Broadcast
Arts, Paul ShatTer, Tama Janowitz, Buster Poindexter. Practically everyone is hipand everyone
knows it. -i Except, that is, for the unwittingly hip. 1f the world today deaves into two groups,
they are those who aîimse themselves with kitsch (people like Paul Shaffer and Tamajanowitz) and
those who just plain likeor arekitsch. The unwittingly hip are a subset of the latter group, those
precious few artifacts and entities and people and places that are accidentally, naively avant-garde
that look really, really cool it. The unwittingly hip is a niche occupied by just barely
but don't know

old-fashioned packaging and decorations of a certain no-longer-swanky era, by old Las Vegas and
post-deco Miami Beach, by objects that have decayed in a way that happens to appeal to aesthetes at
the end of the century. The unwittingly hip are those people and styles that are, in 1989, precisely
the right number of years behind the times. ' There is unwitting hipness all over America and the
world the rural South is chockablock with it, and beauty parlors are good bers. And New York,
despite its aggressive stylishness, has a rich supply of the unwittingly hip. That's partly because the
city still takes in tens of thousands of immigrants every year, earnest naïfs who have neither the
F-
indination nor the training to be hip deliberately, people who wear wide Day-Gb flowered ties and
clunky black Buddy Holly glasses because that's all they own, people who decorate their storefronts
with tin and Caribbean aquas because that's what they know. It's also because in New York, the
shopkeepers selling tinsel on 22nd Street or
ladies' hats on lower Broadway for the last 30 or
40 years are still in business, looking just as they
did when Eisenhower was elected president and
atomic energy sounded neat. Thus, with a
mandate to document the innocently with-it
and naively stylish wherever we found it, pho-
tographer JENNY LYNN roamed the city for
days. The results of our search are on the
following pages along with some of the corre-
sponding wittingly hip places and things that
have proliferated during the Irony Epidemic.
MARLU98') SPY )
:::f;

-.
- , :

.l1 ,' ;
b UNWITTINGLY HIP: Genroku Sushi's
conveyor-belt service, Fifth

.
Avenue. WITTINGLY HIP: Dine-o-Mats conveyor-belt
scrce, circo 1985, 175 Madison Avenue.

UNWITTINGLY HIP: OTB

habitue, Chinatown. WITTINGLY HP: Elvit Costello.

(
--.-! UNWITTINGLY HIP: coke dipIoy with
lova lamp, Lo Deuce Pastry Shop,
372 Third Avenue. WITTINGLY HIP:
UNWTTINGLY HIP: leftover 1940s shoes at Encslow Shoes. 924 Broadway. WITNGLY sculpture by Thomas Lanigon Schmidt, Holly Solo-
HIP: Tootsi Plohound, i 10 Prince Street. mon Gallery (price: around $30,000).

UwIrrINLYHIP:

r1.

UTTINGLYH:thel9Mó5 ii

UHWITTINGLY HIP: Highlights Worlds Fair unisphere, Fluch-

k.
I
for Children. WITTIHGIY HIP:
Meadow Pork, Queen%.
' -"
Ifl9

Metropolis. WITTIÑGY HIP: Globey, from Pee-wee's Playhousc.

 UNWITTINGLY HIP: win-
dow display at Fash-
ion Hats, 579 Broad-
way. WIrTINGLY HIP: window display at New
r ......... Republic Clothier, 93 Spring Street.

Iir'
1L:
'...
Ç4 V

- w SPotJ!f
UIWITTINGLY HIP: sign in coffec shop,
Second Avenue and 55th Street. Wir.
TINGLY HIP: SPY mo%thead artwork.
G:.)
¿ssTt11!
-?ssI,IIg
(Vffr.I1!uIwt

UNWITTIN LY HIP De Witt Bros Tool

1f
f4q
!L!.

Company, 237 Lafayette Street. WITTINGLY HIP:

Meriken restaurant, 162 West 21st Street.
i. .

'
T(I'

L
-
,.
I c'
'J .--.-

UNWITTINGLYHIP plaeesei'hngatSil
: c

verStarRestaurant, 1236 Second Avenue. WITTINGLY

HIP:T-shirtfromDesignEast,7SecondAvenuc.

.'
w ,

UNWITTINGLY HIP: as%orted current grocery-store-bought objects. WITTIPGLY HIP: menu and matches designed by M&Co. design firm for
Rc%taurant Florent.

MARCH I9t9SPY W
UNwITTINGLY HIP: rn
loaf, $4.50 with two v
tables, Blomsy Stone,
Esghth Avenue. Wry-nH
HIP: meat Ioaf $8.5
pound. Dean L Delu
560 Broadway.

TT

UNWITTINGLY HIP: posters in Vanity Fair Cleaners, 376 Third Av.-

-4
nue. WITTINGLY HIP: ade for Reminiecence clothing store

UNWITTINGLY HIP: street person, tower Broadway.

WITT1HGIY peP: Alice FarJey. performance artist.

iq

IUNWITTINGLY HIP: Futurama Clean-

. I

ers, 158 Avenue C. WITTINGLY HIP:

BowI-O-Romc, published by Abbeville Press, 986
-

UNWITTINGLY HIP: oxidized copper

floater in older toilet tanks. WIT.

UNWITTINGLY HIP: Betty's Juice Stand, east side of Lofoyette Street at Bond. TINGLY HIP: oxidized copper candie-
;:-- Wnipiy HIP: the Big Kohuno, 622 Broadway. sticks from Rogers.Tropeo Inc

102 SPY MARCH 19t') RESEARCH ASSISTANCE BY ELISSA SCHAPPELL.

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Everything for your comfort is included: A
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Toiletries and amenities for your grooming
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liì all, Doral Saturnia Fitness Center offers

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11OBSING
, I tJ l%J I
A long haul with
afew ofthe pack mules
ofthe rag trade
BY IGN*TZ RAZTWIZKIWZKI
A merkin is awell. isnt a merkin a sor ofsmall kind ofwig A
miniature type of basically triangle-shaped hairpiece? But small
A sort of wiglet? Worn (Juite privately?
GQ's arbiter of style, Richard Merkin, is one of
R E V I EW those people who seem to he simply bursting with
o E personal styleso much SO that he defies ordinary
R E V J
labels. GQ identifies him as an artist and writer
W E R S
who lives in New York. But you get the feeling
from reading his monthly column, called
Merkin on Style, that mere nouns come
nowhere close to capturing the man. Let
me see if I can't do a little better:
Richard Merkin. one-third of those Three
Amigos of Bespoke (the other two being Torn
We/ft and lawyer Eddie Whaddaya, Whad-
daya' Haye.r) has jilci One outrageous opinion
after another. He thinkr Meryl Streep is over-
rated and that the New York Post is on-
iernptib/e." He is quite comfortable hobnobbing
with classy. rich aristocrats.
Or this:
Richard Merkin is a right-wing An-
glophiliac old fart, but young people respect
him because he has the guts to tell it like it is.
?Jáfl (Show me a guy who refers to women as
copulating pandasyes, that's it exactly.
Merkin is something of an eccentric
himself, as no doubt he would be the first
to admit (while grabbing you by the lapels
and wheezing, Yeti knau I'm something of
an eccentric myself). Many of his columns
include his pet articulation, rnidtb, a
grating, pseudo-Chaucerian neologism
that apparently means the same thing as
amid: When I was growing up in
Gotham, midrh a plethora of shops . .
(Merkin on ordering clothes from cata-
logs); Midth a plethora of old
uniforms . . . (Merkin on retirement);
Here, midth the 'bop cardigan& and the
pegged pants with contrasting saddle
stitching and 'pistol pockets' . . . (Merkin
on himself as a young dog); Midth the
conformity of this Kevin Costner Look-
alike Contest that runs from coast w
coast . . . (Merkin on eccentrics).
Merkin also makes misuse of a phrase
from Shakespeare. Hamlet at one point
describes a certain play as having been
caviare to the general, meaning that it
was too fine ro be appreciatc(l by ts vulgar
audience, the general populace. Merkin
habitually Zarhl(s the phrase and gives tr
exactly the posite meaning. When he
says that three songs sung by Bobby Short
would be caviar for the general, he means
1-j

'ladies' or to his companion as 'my lady, and

Ill shou' you a macho chauvinist, whether he
be in gold chains or striped braces").
Or maybe this:
Richard Merkin is a master ofibe nieniora-
6/e phrase. as in his description of eccentrics:
'Likepandas, they are proofofthe Lord's sense
ofhunor, and, like pandas, they preftr not to
copulate upon request."
Richard Merkin is a sort of GQ-ish Os-
car Wilde, in other words. Eccentrics and
that they are so wonderful that they are fit
for a commanding ofhcer. He commits the
same error in another column, a journey
back w his adolescence: These apocalyptic
visions bring to mind a flashback to those
cheery halcyon days when shopping was a
glorious activity, and New York a Casbah
of che serendipitous for a young man seek-
ing, and often finding, the caviar reserved
for the general.
This last sentence also provides a taste of
Merki&s usual prose style: the deflating,
superfluous checrj the awkwardness of a
flashback being brought to mind (and by
viiions?); the whiff of the thesaurus.
Like Esquire Cthat compromised
mummy R. Merkin), GQ vaguely imi-
tates the Esquire of the (lays when Esquire
meant something. Both magazines reek of
perfume. Fashion spreads in both are out
of the Vogue mold: scowling. low-IQ types
in striped pants, checked shirts, plaid jack-
ets and polka-dot tics, and, often, a
woman with her hoobs hanging out.
(What better accessory for a well-dressed
guy than a half-dressed gaP)
The trouble with fashion reviewing in
any magazine is that so much of ir is so
nakedly calculated to suck up co advercis-
ers. Of course, magazines themselves are
nakedly calculated to suck up to advertis-
ers. But the fashion writers really burrow
down there and slurp.
Off. and on over the last decade, Esquire
has run winter features on the tuxedo. The
only theme connecting these pieces is an
eagerness to please those who pay the bills.
One year dinner jackets with shawl lapels
are dismissed as a staple of bandleaders
and headwaiters [that) rarely looks any-
thing hut dated and lackluswr ( I 980);
the very next year the same jacket is hailed
by the same reviewer as a subdued, time-
honored choice. In I 987 Esquire coun-
seled no loopy prints or noisy colors for
evening wear; in 1988 the lead phow-
graph in the ux spread featured a loopy
print in a noisy colora swirling printed
velvet ves( in gold and, in an ad for Lord
West four pages later, a vest and tie in an
even loopier print and decidedly noisier
colors. In GQs tuxedo feature that same
month, the scowling, low-IQ type model-
ing the dinner jacket was accompanied by
three naked women lolling around in pud-
dies of blue paint.
For the grumpy magazine reader, there's
a certain amount of fun in watching clothes
reviewers jump through hoops in order to
say what they think the advertisers want
them to say. Its nothing about nothing,
season after season: 1t has everything to do
with attitude. Toward quality. Toward
style. Toward detail' (Esquire on the New
York Look). 'At every moment, a consis-
tency in attitude . . . and in the way a look
comes together - with striking accessories
and with the kind of unexcessive makeup
and hair that maintain the 'purity (Vogue
on fall fashions and, I guess, the new
unexcessiveness). 1t is a season for filling
in gaps in a wardrobe and replacing old
favorites. Now is the time to buy a black
swearer, a couple of good pairs of pants,
skirts in several lengths and styles, a new
jacket, and even a dress or two' (New
York's Michael Gross on fall fashions and
the new understaredness). Designers have
gone mad for plaid this season. But then,
plaid has never really been out of fashion
(Neu' )rk'5 Wendy Goodman on, uh, the
new plaidness).
7 Days (a magazine eerily referred to
orally by several of its editors as us, as in
Have you seen us?) recently made a he-
roic efFort to scare up a little cologne adver-
rising. At the end of a lame essay on the
importance of after-shave, Allen Frame
suddenly breaks out of Earth orbit: 1 column to a 'long drive' he said he had
would like ro imagine a cologne for myself.
There would be fresh top noces of a sunny
southern childhood, lemon and orange,
with a body of herbaceous rural isolation
(and floral notes of magnolia and honey-
suckle) blending unexpectedly with a spicy
urban frenzy, drying down to a base note of
amber woody retreat.'
Yuck!
In closing, a few odds and ends concern-
ing the nation's two greatest newspapers:
Mervyn Once Upon a Time' Roth-
stein, the Times theater reporter with a flair
for arresting first sentences (see January/
February Review of Reviewers). has out-
done himself recently. Here's how he began
a piece about Richard Greenberg, the
rubby author of Eastern Standard, a play
abou some young people who take a
bag lady to their house in the Hamptons:
'U.K. , Richard Greenberg, let's get to the
point right away.'
Take a closer look at that lead. Seem-
ingly without effort, Rothstein has grabbed
the reader's attention and fixed it on the
message, or point, of his story. He con-
tinues, 'You. a self-acknowledged yuppie,
have been termed a defender of your
breed. So what do you have to say for
yourself, Mr. Greenberg From there to
the end of the story it's very easy sailing for
Rothstein: he merely strings together foot-
age from his tape recorder.
I wish someone would explain to me
why the Times employs most of its music
reviewers. The lamest recent offering (in a
very crowded field) is Jon Pareles's Sunday
think piece, 'Art and Rock: An 80's Love
Affair.' Pareles's contention is that art and
rock are inextricably linked in some brand-
new way.
Music and art have never been strang-
ers,' Pareles concedes. Musicologists study
illuminated manuscripts to determine the
shape of a lute; the Cubists wore out their
charcoal sketching cafe guitarists. But over
the last decade rock has replaced classical
music as the primary musical inspiration
for art to the point where the two may
seem inseparable.
Fm only sorry that Pareles couldn't
think of a third example of the historical
link between art and music. Didn't Mi-
chelangelo whistle while be worked?
Runner-up in the competition for the
Laziest Reviewer of 1988 Award is Brock
Yates, The Washington Post Magazine's au-
tomotive reviewer. Yates devoted an entire
taken 'last night. Nothing happened dur-
ing this drive. The brand of automobile
was not specified. Yates's column was filled
with the sort of facts that don't have to be
looked up: meandering deer cause 'count-
less' collisions; alcohol probably leads to
'an inordinate number' of late-night acci-
dents; nighttime travel is preferred by
many' people; on journeys after dark,
drowsiness can impede progress.'
The Laziest Reviewer of 1988 Award
goes to the Times's chief film critic, Vin-
cent Canby. who seems to find even the
undemanding task of rewatching old mov-
ies too demanding. Reviewing Dirty Rot-
len Scoundrels, the remake of Bedtime
Story, he writes: 'Except for its title, the
earlier film has receded from memory, but
I canOt imagine that it could have been
anywhere near as entertaining as (Dirty
Rotten Scoundrels). A week later the in-
dustrious Mr. Canby was in the rigorous
throes of critiquing Dangerous Liaisons.
Though I have fond, fuzzy memories of[a
1959 Roger Vadim version of the story),'
he writes, "I can't imagine that it could
come anywhere near the [current) version
in terms of witty, entertaining, if occasion-
ally overripe decadence. )
MARCH 1989 SPY los
 F I1%I ment. Pollack was replaced by Steven
Spielberg (an Ovitz nonclient!), who also
II (luit the proju. Enter Barry Levinson. a
director with the proper credentials for a
Mike Ovitz package: ( i ) he has had a
string of welt-regarded hits Diner, The
Natural, Tin Men, Good Morning, Vietnam:
(2) he is a client of Ovins; (3) he is one of
Ovitz's closest friends; and (4) he has de-
veloped a reputation for solving difiktilt
a street

which ¡s
KIDS script problems and working congenially
with big-name actors.
According to people who worked on
Rain Man, Hoffman's greatest concern was
u n rn i s t a k a b Iv ¡1oI/yz ood's liti/est sIarr that after the enormous failure of lihtar he
New York might have lost his audience. The prime
and biggest egos moviegoing audience ( i 8-to-24-year-olds)
is a bistro turns over every few years. And since actors
which is
in their middle ages like Hoffman and Warren Beatty only
rarely actually make films, they may still be
unmistakably stars but only to people who don't go co
B Y C L L I A B R A D Y
movies anymore. And no marrer who you
Paris.
are or what you've made, the cold, hard
A short story: This is a short bottom line remains: If you can't draw
column about a short subject with a short them in, you're no longer a star. And if
temper and a big cgo. Yes, I know e:'ey- you're no longer a star, your previous price
ÖUATÖRZ 1T1[11
Hollywood fits this
general description. But to
of $5 million per picture plummets to a
fifth of that, and people are no longer will-
,!TIW-1
IP4OUSTY he more specific, let's Ing to submit to your tantrums on che set.
choose just one person.
Let's choose . . . oh . . . how
240 West 14th Street about Dustin Hotfman' He's certainly
short (five foot six). And he is certainly
NewYork City known for his incendiary (offscrecn) per-
¡'('fr' e-lI Disney, Spark;'
Tel 206-7006 formances with producers. writers and di-
rectors. And he has a hit movie out now,
Rain Man, costarring Tom Cruise. Katzenberg 's eleal-niaking
Hoffman was apparently so upset by the
failure of his Elaine MayWarren Beatty
(and -breaking) is
desert epic, ¡chiar, that his agent, Creative
Artists Agency's Mike the Manipulator
Ovitz, told him to stop fretting and make uzargiiah/y up Io snuff
some movies - most notably Rain Man,
Accepting which had been in development for years.
(Virtually all of Hoffman's pictures have (For a more complete demonstration of ca-
only OflC long. tortured development histories as reer ascension, see Burt Reynolds on the
movies that rise high above the pedestrian hoary Burr Reynoldsproduced TV game
card.
often do. Director Robert Benton and pro- show Win, Lose or Draw.)
ducer Stanley Jaffe anguished for years try- In an especiatly shrewd instance of ca-
;t ing to ge Kra,,ier vs. Kranier made. Toolsie reer salvation, Hoflman's solution to the
Á:;4 went through no fewer than eight writers problem of declining bankability was ro
3112 8
and two directors before Sydney Pollack overrule the director, studio heads and
C us$1
came aboardonly to endure continuous casting people and insist that the role of
suabbling with Hoffman.) On Rain Man, the younger brother in Rain Mana part
Membership director Martin (Ber'erly Hills Cop, Mid- originally conceived as a 38-year-old - be
Has Its Privileges
night Rim) Brest, another Ovita client, was written for a 26-year-old. A 26-year-old
originally going to direct; hut following the named Tom Cruise. In short, Hoffman
AmCtk Epft, Tr,c) Rth,ed Scn ompirn. In usual creative differences, Hoffman wanted Cruise's audiencethe Top Gan
brought in Pollack, who did his own treat- kids who sort-of-bu (-not-quite remember

IO6SPYMARCH 198.9
Hoffman as "the guy who dressed up in
women's clothing in Toouie.
Hoffman took out similar audience in-
V s II
surance on Sidney Lumet's Family Bujiness:
he signed only when he was certain that
Matthew Broderick and Sean Connery
were on board. The thinking here was,
I
I
''W4&O*O I
evidently. Why ?WI cover all the deniographù- 'S% &-,%'1*O
bases?
(Note: in an eerily parallel moVe, the
other perpetrator of Ishtar, Warren Beatty, s.
L VdIIO7 I
has also recently taken OUt a would-be ca- 's.
reer insurance policy by casting Madonna
as his love interest in Dick Tra'y. Beacty
obviously felt he needed to be reintroduced
to the underage lace glovesandbus:ier
1I VOI I
set. Do I see a trend here?)
All of which brings us ro Disney chair- b'& iaA
man Jeffrey Sparky Katzenberg, who has
been credited with reviving the careers of a d
screening-roomful of worthy but neverthe-
less fading starsBete Midler, Richard I
Dreyfuss, Lily Tomlin, Nick Nolte. Holly-
wood being Hollywood, though,
Katzenberg did not perform this sort of
name-above-the-title resuscitation entirely
as a product of from-the-heart altruism.
Disney has a reputation as the financially
tightest studio; no matter what you were
paid on your last film. Disney will try to
pay you less. (More often than not this is as
beneficial to the career-in-decline acwrs as
it is to the studio itself.)
Katzenbcrg's deal-making (and -break-
ing) is unarguably up to snuff. Last year
Disney was scheduled to begin production
of The Dead Poets Society. The film was to
be made by Jeff Kanew. When the picture
was scheduled to begin shootingwith
hundreds of thousands of dollars already
spent in preproduction costs - Kanew re-
ceived an urgent call from Sparky telling
him to stop.
J eff Kanew had been fired.
New writers had been hired.
In what some read as a career panic,
Dustin Hoffman had suddenly expressed
interest in directing and starring in the
picture.
There's a postscript. Reverting to his old
ways (after being reasonably assured that
Rain tt4an would be a hir). Hoffman
backed out of The Dead Poe/s Society. And
then, stuck without a (hector or a star,
Disney hired Peter Weir and Robin Wil-
hamsas it happens. a IflOfC promising-
sounding package by far.
Grca tu have seen you at Don and
Jerry's in Aspen.)

MARCH 19$9SPY
 LJ 'V %J the last recession year on record, 3 1 5,000

TIlE \X'IUTEI4'S Voict:

wLI-I bankruptcy cases were filed up from
200,000 just three years earlier. Filings dc-
dined 1983 and 1984, as is customary
ifl

in prosperous years. Custom thereupon

oft1u I3(st .Sid. ) Cnfrrfor Ilu' I ¡t ceased ro apply, as the FedraI Reserve Bui-

¡rse,i Is
kim, an esteemed hut unread journal of
the Federal Reserve Board, recently noted:
Historical patterns went awry in 1985
and I 986 when bankrupcies shot up more
THE END OF than 20 percent in each year despite the
strength of the economy. . . . On the
whole, the 1985-87 surge in bankrupr les
THE CENTURY is a puzzling development. . . . Sort of like
Chapter One: Spend. spend, spend. the arrival of the Goths in Rome was a
puzzling development and the Great De-
Chapter Five: Bilis, bills, bills. pression was baffling.
On a faintly hopeful note, bankruptcy
Chapter EIez'en: Chapter 1 i filings through the first half of last year
were up by a mere i 2.8 percent, less than
8 Y J A M L S G R A N T
the galloping rates in 1985 and 1986. On
a frankly worrisome note, however. chose
six months of i 988 were an ideal time not
As winrcr turns to spring America ¡s cvi- to go 1)roke - nobody had any excuse to
An Evening of R'zdiugs dently richer than ever. yet Americans in run out of money. The economy was grow-
by SPY li titei record numbers are going broke. Perhaps ing and employment was rising, and the
there is a wholesome expia- stock market crash was receding from
f ('(1 t 11 1lt4 - nation for this paradox, but memory. lt is unnerving co realize that
.- THE
all of 1946 fewer than those were the good old days.
t: ST*ILT
. --
9,000 Americans declared
BRUCE F1ADY bankruptcy. whereas in
1987 bankruptcy petitions were filed at
the rate of about 9,00() a u'eek.
ANN HODGMAN It is easier to borrow money today than
it was in 1946. and it is casier to shuck off
JOHN LEO OfleS debts today too. The easier we make
the possibility of debt, rht preemincnt
philosopher of debt. Freeman Tilden, pro-
PAUL RuDNIcK nounced in the 1930s, rhc more failures
there will naturally be.
& Ei4tis WE1NEI Tilden could not have imagined the
mass mailing of credit cards, the magnum
leveraged huyout or the eve-year loan Ofl
che $29.95 Yugo (or, for that matter. the
'I'I)tl Li . \Iarch I ô at 8 p. ni. $650 million fines paid by insatiable unk-
Ethial (tiluire At1(IitOri I I Ill
I
bond-peddling brokerage houses). Never-
rhcless, he put his finger on something
2 West 64th Street when he recast the fable of the grasshopper
and the ant in modern terms: Behind all A truism of bankruptcy is that the
.
the complexities of modern political econ- debtor has too many debts, but the recent
.4 rPceJ)tion I,osu'dby.4rnar,qio di Suroisnu omy lies the simple fact that human beings startling rise in credit card, charge account
tEiIIfOIIOlV tilE' rvitdh,gs.
are, speaking generally, of two persuasions: and automobile loan debt (UI) tO 19 cents
the first would spend tomorrow what they per dollar of disposable income from 14
. earn today; the second would spend today cents in 1984) is singled out by the iderai
7îckeis $7 vii the door or in ada'a:aet' u, what they hope to earn tomorrow' Reserve Bulietinas the root cause of the
Ilu? Ce,uf'rfor the .4rs ofjicv.. SPC(Ifl(ifloor. The l980s have been the grasshopper trouble. 'A lessening of the stigma of
Ire,, j(k )M(:1. ; u, o:r(Is,rer:
decade. Interestingly, persnal-l)ankru tcy bankruptcy' was given as a subsidiary
Iond,yto 1/rubsy. ¡2ii.,it. to 7p.m.
(2121 787-6357111(H)
statistics took a turn for the worse in che cause, but I wonder if the Federal Reserve
very shank of the Reagan boom. In i 982. authors didnt underestimate the change in

108$PYMAI(CH 1989
social attitudes. No longer at all embar-
rassed ro borrow, people are no longer
afraid to welsh. The fraud that is prac-
used under cover of insolvency. ¡s doubtless
che most extensive of all species of private
robbery, said an official document of the
\\
Society of Friends in the early nineteenth
century. That was before S I 0,000 credi,
lines and Optima cards and powerboats
purchased for no money down.
A recent Times story told of a New York
salesman who was swamped by credit card
applications after he finished paying off a
car loan. Soon he had seven credit cards
from five different banks, plus two credit
even though his annual income was
lines1

only about $24,000 and came solely from ¡LA

commissions. When business slowed he
began using the credit cards for living ex-
penses. Several banks responded to his in-
creased use of their cards by raising his / ACADILLACk
credit limit. . . Even after [he received]
.

two dunning Ieters from a bank, a differ-

cot group in the bank sent him a letter
/ BAR
offering to raise his credit line by an addi- ( &lI&14RI , pE!II1L
donai S 1,000. ,

Note how the trouble started: the so-

called victim gratuitously repaid his car
loan, thereby inciting virtually entrap-
pingthe banks. If similarly tempted, a
debtor should consult one of the recog-
nized debt-counseling services, if he can
get in the door. The National Foundation %?a4e s END

for Consumer Credit has some 400 of-

fices-twice as many as in 1986yet it ME T-SHIRT.
still cannot accommodate the overflow of THES P
borrowers in search of help. Banks are flOt
being diligent in invesdgating debt levels," MADE OF WASHABLE.
says David Caplovitz, a New York bank-
ruptcy lawyer. One division of the bank WEARABLE 100% COTTON.
doesnt know what the other is doing."
Doesnt know, and is probably afraid to AVAILABLE ONLY IN
ask.
There is a moral side to bankruptcy that
BLACK WITH YELLOW
sophisticated financial people are inclined
to dismiss as corny or irrelevant. Now that
America is a debtor nation, however, the LOGO
personal honor of the average americano
must begin co inform the national finances. \,\,\,\ \\/\/\,\/\,\/\/\/\/\,\/\/ ENCLOSE CHICK
OR MONEY ORDII
The story of the surge in personal bank- (NO CASI! OR
ruptcies among individual Americans, I MAMI CREDIT CARDS ACCEPTED)
FOR $12 (iNCLUDES
should think, will play badly among the AbO* POS TAGE AND HANDliNG,
foreign holders of United States govern- NYSTATE RES ¡DENTh
aTT ADD$25%SALES TANt
ment debt. 1f Americans, in growing num- SPECIFY QUANTITY
bers, are not paying their credit card debts, STATI z. cool DETACH COUPON
AND MAIL TO:
will these same Americans scruple to honor
QUANTTTY S ___ M...................L XL 1OTAlIòCI.QjID $_______ SPY
their governments national debts I think OFFII UMflID TO US ANO CAWADA. CANADIAN ltStMTT PUASI PAY U S SIS 295 LAFAYETTE ST.
I have the answer: yes, they will pay, and in 00000WLY ws.i SuPII.Y LASTS PtSASI ALLOW 4 4 WIEKS FOI DIUVISY NY, NY 10012

good money too, if that is convenient. D

MAR(} ( Os') SPY (('t

 _ F F l%I
Why are they u'recking the
Yale hu.rineis school? And bote
will it look on mj CV'
sy M. SLOBOOKIN
Up in New Haven. former TV host and
current Yak president Benno Schmidt got
a jump on rhc oncL-tradirional spring riots
b appointing Michad
ThL
----I;_
Levine to he the new dean
of Yale s onceidealisttc
. . .
s Schmidt didn't seek the advice of the advi-
School of Organization
.and Management. thereby
granting Levine a mandate ti) preside over
the gutting of the graduate schools curric-
ulum and OStCOSiL)Ie raison d'&re. Levine,
a former professor at the school. is surely
the right man for the ¡ob. having gained
the requisite experience by leginniig the
dismantling of the Civil Aeronautics Board
during the 1970s and presiding over
un ion-huster Frati k Lorenzos nonunn)n
New York Air during the I9HOs.
Ut. I 'I1 III The school. known as S()M, was
lounded in I 97 3 to eøiiipete for he
altiinni donations of Yale College grado-
ates 'ho too frequently went on to busi-
ness school at Harvard or Stanford. and
also to train the public-sector executives of
corni>rri )W. YaIes then Presi(Ienc , Kingman
Brewster, eased the school on campus by
dressing LIj) the capitalist Molí in woolly
liberal clothing. But SOM was more suc-
cessful in its high-minded endeavors than
fliOSt expected, and graduates now help
run such institutions as the Guggenheim
Museum and the Metropolitan Museum of
Arr. This being the 1980s. however, much
tt(eUti()fl has OflC tO gradLiates who went
on ti) investment banks. SOM people al-
ternately complain that sci many of their
graduates have gone on to high-paying
JObS on Street and brag that their
I1O$PYMARCH 1989
graduates are getting the same high-pay-
ing jobs as other M.B.A. s. Among SOM
faculty and administrators there have been
fairly continual disputes over what the
sclmol was or wasn't and whom it should
or shi>ultlnt be training.
When the last dean resigned more than
a year ago, Yale lormed a committee to
search for someone who might resolve the
sijuabbling over SOMs mission - but be-
fore the committee could finish its work,
Schmidt conducted his own search (Mike?
Hi. iii Benno . . . ), resulting in the selec-
tion of Lvinc. who had been, oincidcn-
tally. one of his best pals at Yak Law
School in the precountercultural 1960s.
SOI.Fs advisory hoard which includes
Cooper Union president John Jay Iselin,
Alice Riviin of the Brookings Institution
and 1)ollar BilI Donaldson, a founder of
both SOM and the investment bank Don-
aldson, Lufkin & Jenretcereceived oth-
dal word of Sclunidts new appointment
oiilv when it convened at the school for its
rtiziilar meeting the same day the appoint-
Ifleill was made public. Iven though
e U'((S inJ/ìiencec/ "f;(j,,/
many. ìiany SOliPCéJ, ¡m/iu/in,
u ice, .ceuiolar/y Jrmer aii,we
t
general Edwin ,%1 cese
sorv hoard. he did let the members know
throui.h The Neu' York Times that he was
influenced lrom many, many sources, in-
eluding. as it happened, wise. scholarly
former attorney general Edwin Meese.
Not long after, Dean I.evine began to
enrage students and alumni. The union
pariah turned management sage explained
that he wanted to transfrrn the professional
school into a scholarly iflStitUtiOfl compara-
hIe to \'ale Law School an analogy that
especially intrigues those colleagues who
know a1out Levine's own problems win-
fling tenure at SOM (he barely got it) and a
professorial apoifltfl1ef1t at the law school
(according to a former law school colleague,
he was judged LIfllUalified).
 Levine has SO lar Shown a ñncly honed
managcrs ability o rnal.w tough choices.
hosvever. ¡tn(I never more so than when he
announced he 'Would JU1(. a/I nont.nured
(acuity Íroni the organizational bthavior
JepdrtIneI,r because it was just to darn
hard co deCick whom to keep. Then. Show-
,- -. . _
¡ng where he oines out in thc debate over : jVíSt
1mg
whv(Ikr A,ncrica ought to tucus its ener-
gics on actually making things rather than
perpetuating the cirrint round of paper-
pushing bust-ups and rtstructurings. zhe
new dcan announced that the operations
- u/x' i;

-
I,J

research faculty the professors who teach

the unglamorous particulars of production
and quality control - woUld he moved (PUC
ut the school ro the íacu1t of arts and
sciences. i1e finance kpartrnent. :nean-
while. Which teaches the partku1ari of bust-
ups and resrructurins, will almost surely
have its standingand budget enhanced.
levines various chates (lic dedared
that students !.°OUId lose all real function
on the SOM admissions coinmitlee. where
the have served since l977) and his high-
handed announcement ot them have an-
ereJ alumni, wl)() spent their two years at
SOM being (Irifled 00 the importance ()t
cooperative decision-making to assure th r
LVC1)'()fle feels a jart of the process. The
01 a letter-writing campaign to
organizers
the Yale (:or)ratti(, which rules over the
niversitv, doubt that meir cuiorts Will dis-
lodkc Levine. But flOW he has managed to
whip up their antipathy further by revising
and irnxunding a kter that the SOM
Alumni Asso.iauon had written tu all
pduaces. on the grounds that it was an
implicit (ledaranon of ware tinti! he couki
e( bis OWn. sernicoherent letter ou w
alumni.
The SOM drama has exacerbated the
que-asyfeeling in New Haven and beyond
that the tiresome wunderkind Schmidt.
only three years into his presidency. was an
iml)erfcct choice for Yak. Schmidt still Finally Mexican Food That
lives on Eist )5rh Street in New York City,
and he has been so invisible around Yale
that students have posted WHERE THE HII.L Satisfies Even
Is BENNO' si1ns 011 caflÌpLIS. Even iii the
continuity-worsh iping precincts of Sku Il TheToughest Food Critics.
and Bofles, the crucible that formed Years ago, youcould lose more than your license br
George Rush, there .ire whispers that serving tasteless tacosor inferior enchiladas. At Cinco De Mayo
Schmidt may not be long for New Haven. weadhere to the saine authentic recipes found in old Mexico.
Which mijht suit him fine. it', as reasona- Afterall, our critics wouldn't settle for anything less.
bic speculation has it, got his sights se-r
on appointment by Bush to the Supreme
(ourt. And unlike tlose nasty administra-
CINCODiMAYO
Coil 2t lt 4lt W.i..t RflUldW,l 'r' ;ijI.Ii7(, i 45 Ttidr itv t1a:.
tive jobs at Yale, that Svats (or life. )
MARCh 19$9SPY Ill
 LJE U_II Hampton Beach Club in Hampton Bays.
Barb told us 20,000 people were expected,
including 2,000 Jewish singles. Blockbuster
was the only book the Hampton Beach
Club gift shop was selling, an omen we
confused with a compliment.
Our confidence in the Hampton Beach
Club was shaken when we were carded at
the entrance to the parking lot. We believe

I
EVERYBODY'S
H A U R A N
E S T

31 SECOND AVENUE NYC 212-473-1884

T I
PEÏH we arc the only authors ever to be carded at
their reading.
We met the man who was to introduce
us. He was wearing a baseball cap, on the
top ofwhich was a plastic woman swinging
Hi! You do,ft know anything in a hammock between two palm trees.
This was the funmeisrer of the Hampton
about me or my writing Beach Club, Dan the Man. We believe we
:D A N I S H are the only people ever to be introduced at
partner or our book, but . . their reading by Dan the Man.
S O U P E R B A G
The u1imae in relaied panache
Websters would not count the Hamp-
By PATRICIA MARX ton Beach Club as a beach club: it had no
Ow pacbcal Danish mpot le4Iures Si nifty tennis courts, no pool, no cabanas, no boys
pockets. expandable sides. sturdy SDaPS: wears like coidrofled
steeI hauts everyttuflO SeflSby will Organize your 1e. Perfect AND DOUGLAS MCGRATH to set up your chairs, no chairs. lt was just
catry.on fight bag. xacticaI fl. In squashy grey. bfacfi. bro*n.
red. bflue. turquo.se waterproof canvas. $7S plus $350 sfupg.ng. a deck overlooking the beach, and a dance
Send for brochwe
THE CHOcOLATE sOUP
The official publication date of our book, floor. We were to read on the dance floor.
946 Madison Avenue. New Yorkcfty 10021 (212) 861-2210 Blockbuster (219 pages, Bantam, S7.95), Dont worry about the pcople, Dan
fell at the end of last summer. But by then the Man said. Ill get them up here.' Over
it was already flying off the loudspeaker, he appealed to the crowds
bookstore shelves from on the beach. Free hats/or anyone who can
PUILISHING Philadelphia, where Benja- guess the TV theme song! Plus two writers
H
min Franklin wrote his cel-
.. :ebrated autobiography, to
Joining Us Late
Midland, Texas, where little Jessica Mc-
Clure was trapped in an abandoned well
for 58 hours. In Wilmington, Delaware,
two visitors recently found Blockbuster in
the best-seller section, nor far from Tom
Clancy 's Patriot Games.
To be truthful, our mothers live in Phil-
adelphia and Midland. They have worked
tirelessly to promote the book, putting in
long hours with no pay As for Wilming-
/ ton, Doug's aunt works for a local book-
store. She says she has sold 25 copies of
Blockbuster so far and those were a mail
For back issues oISPY, order for Mrs. McGrath, who had already r-.

a 4
-.-..--.

write to us at bought all the copies in Midland.

The Puck Building, Ç-
Apart from these three cities, our hook
came out to whatever is the opposite of
z_
-I
295 LafayetteStreet, great fanfare. Though we demonstrated a who want to read their book.'
NewYork,NY. 10012. degrading willingness to do whatever was Everyone came. And no sooner was the
Enclose $4.o() per copy, please. necessary to promote the book, Barb Burg, final free hat awarded, to a woman who
N.w
our publicist at Bantam, had planned only identified the theme from Hazel in one
one promotional event. But its a really note, than everyone left. We read to the
big event, she promised. empty dance floor, like idiots, clinging to
Oty
The event was a reading, but not the the hope that someone was listening.
Susan-Sontag-salmon-and-sherry-.upstairs- Then, miraculously, we heard a burst of
Tossi i.d.,.& at-Books-&-Co. kind of reading. We were laughter and applause. We looked up.
to read one Sunday afternoon at the Dan the Man had changed into a hat with
112$PTMARCH 1989
a basketball hoop on k, and someone had
just made a baske.
It was dîne to autograph hooks. Of
course, no one came near us. Our hearts
rose when a woman walked right up to us
holding the book. I don't read books, she
said, but this does look easy.
At the end of the day, we had sold one
book, to a boy who sold ice cream on the
beach and felt sorry for us.
If we do thu for the next million days, we
figured , we '/1 have a best-se//er.
Bantam had no other events planned, so
we decided to hire our own publicist. We
met a scrawny southern man with a mus-
tache like Hitler's. He told us that an ap-
pearance on The Donahue Show would sell
50,000 copies of the book, bUt that we
couldnt get on The Donahue Show. Not
the way you are, he said. You need an
angle. Let's ask ourselves: who are Phil's
guests,? Teachers who push crack, women
married to snipers. He looked at us. Do
you see what your problem ìs
We had an idea. How about what it's
like when a tall author collaborates with a
short author?'
No,' the publicist said. Let's think
what those shows I told you about have in
common. He waited patiently.
We had a brainstorm. What about au-
thors who abuse each other?
He did not think we could get on The
Donahue Show.
We decided to shop for another publicist.
One publicist told us that our hook
could become known only if we became
known. This publicist :old us the story of
Aeschylus, who was killed by a tortoise
dropped by an eagle flying overhead that
mistook Aesehyluss bald head for a rock.
Just one day after Aeschylus died, the pub-
Ikist said, his play The Suppliant Women,
which had been sparsely attended and
about to close, was sold out. That could
happen to you,' the publicist said.
The last publicist we questioned was a
depressed young woman who insisted we
meet at her apartment because Sasha, her
parakeet, couldn't be left alone. Sasha was
in precarious health. The publicist held the
l)ird in her lap and brushed her with a
toothbrush as we talked. Even if I could
get you PublicitY for the book,' she said,
which is highly, highly doubtful, what's
the difference? Fifty years from now, two
weeks, you wont be here, I won't be here,
your hook won't he here. Nothing lasts.'
We gave up looking for a publicist.
C L A SjF)Ç
C/aiisJiedi appear rnonthl in SPY. It/i orden mio: bc CLASSIFIED ADS: $30 per line; $25 per line fr
two or more consecwis' months.
:;pd and prepaid. Th pIafl' orden b) phon. ca/I
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Io rom. and divid by 50. TIx result i tix nurnbtr of accepted. Add S 15 for box number. Mail will
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ham Catkon (3121 328-0400. men for Jesus
MARCH 1989 SPY I I S
1_I ri - _ i -I- U I-1
--
George ßtith is now president of the United
Stales; I did not prevent it. At the end of the
campaign i did submit a partisan statement to
the Times Op-Ed page, bui they rejected it.
Here it is, many days late and dollars short
(which could be the story o/the Bush era):
Could I make a quaint. belated. entirely atoo!
statement about the 1988 presidential (ha!)
campaign?
i voted/or t/)e liberal Democrat because lin one.
AIo becau.re I dread getting stuck in a cab with
someone u'ho argues like George Bush. Why would I
want him to represent me?
You don t bave io tell me liberal Democrati do
embarraising things. Criticize Ameria, pander
shameIei/y to the dispossessed and ro on. But I try to
:nake sense of politici in ternit of words. And l've
never heard a liberal Democrat cubveri the language
by (for example) (ailing his opponent as Bush has
called Dukakis tite jo-railed Stealth candidate.
Dukakis. though he rook a higher road than
Bush, i shorter and darker. He has heavier eye-
6rou's. To attach the word stcalth ¡o him was to stir
cubrational perepiions of shiftiness. That was one
justification for referring to him as the Stealth can-
didate. A trashy just:/i cation.
Another justification would be that Dukaku fa-
tored development of the Stealth bomber. As. I
gather. he does. But so does Bush and Bush a-
cused Dukakis ofopposing the Stealth technologies.
To call Dukakis the Stealth candidate, then, n'as
a way ofreinforcing aJilse accusation while imput-
ing lo Dukakis the pejorative connotations of the
name of a weapons system Bath also favors. Tras/ii-
nest compounded.
But Bus/i went further. He called Dukakis the
so-caUcd Stealth candidate u/len the only person
uho called Dukakis that u.as Bush. With great
restrain! I would liken this ploy to blowing your
nose. showily. yet stealthily, on someone else 's sleeve.
You can say to mc that Russians would rather
deal with a conservative Republican . If this is so, il
is because Russians do Plot have a high enough opiel-
ion of the American character. Also because con-
servative Republicans make it easierfor Gorbachev
to look like a liberal Democrat.
I grew up in the Sooth in the 1950s and '60s.
and therefore you may say that i have a peculiar
bias against conservatic'es (Lester Maddox) and es-
penally against conservative Repu/ilkans (Strom
Thurmond. i.e. , Lester Maddox for the n'e/I of).
So sue me. When I was grou'ing up, liberal Demo-
(rats were people of spiri!, and ¡o are they now.
sometimes. Ai the height of011iemania my Washing-
ton lawyerfriend RufFant happened ¡o drive past a
federal building as Oliver North emerged from it to
the sound of spontaneous street-4rouid buzzabs. Ruf
did what anyone with pride in America should have
done: stuck his head out of his car window and
hollered, 'Sbame! Shame!
How in the world did liberal Democrats get to be
so out offasbion? The answer is obvious io Bush, no
1L4SPTMARCH 1989
doubt, but by that :'eoy token it is not clear to me. Of
coarse, as Dan Quayle would put it, my type of
thinking is out oftouch and out oforder.
ACROSS
1. Lapdog ¡s a term George Will used for
George Bush in a column, back before
Bush became a pit bull. Will has also ex-
pressed disdain for Dan Quaylc, prediccing
that Quayle will flOt be trusted to handle
even the more serious foreign funerals.
Will has also come out in favor of higher
taxes. Will Will, who used to lunch with
Nancy, be lunching with Barbara, or even
Marilyn? Will Will be dismissed as a lib-
eral? \X'ell, wc'll see. (To follow closely is
to dog; a lap is a runaround.)
9. Yale gush'll rearranged (in a way).
11. 1 tifa r.g. backward,
18. To "ankle in a huff is one meaning of
stamp etti, to dcscroy is another.
21. P.e. breaking into beer.
23. Charges and S. A new term for credit-
card prosperiry, or what Lloyd Bentsen, in
his debate wich Dan Quayle, referred to as
hot checks. There's a great old gospel song
called Jesus Dropped the Charges." Per-
haps all Americans, of whatever faith, had
beter start singing that song. Or perhaps
Reaganes.jue luck will prevail in the Bush
administration and the economy will still
be able to flout the bottom line. An indica-
tion that economy-linked fortune might
shine upon Bush came during the cam-
paign when rumors arose that The Wash-
lag/on Post was about to publish a story
confirming rumors that Bush had commit-
ted adultery, which stirred urgent selling
that caused the stock market to plunge.
The Post denied that it had such a story,
and stock prices recovered. Talk about safe
sex! Many spouses, if they felt no one could
reveal that they were running around ex-
cept at the risk of setting off a market
crash, would feel golden. That's probably
why I am not at home in the I 980s: I have
trouble feeling golden. If I've got, say,
$500 of expense-account money in my
Pocket, I fecI gilded, but only until l've
T C I C E S
['A sis HIO'LES
spent it. Then I start worrying about what
I am going to spend on whatever it is I am
R. B. meant ro spend the expense-account
money on. What the eighties keeps doing
is drawing another advance. I blame it on
the Japanese - when they introduced sushi
over here and Americans developed a taste
for those little raw dabs of marine life, it
broke down the age-old taboo against eat-
ing your bait. After a while, what have you
got left to fish with?
26. Hit at crime rearranged Cgoofily). lt
worked for the Bush campaign. Inciden-
tally, have you noticed that critics often
apply the adjective goofy to Bush? Another
break for Bush Americans like Disney
characters.
28. The heads' of teeny, tiny and elephant
are t, i and e. Inside Ron.
DOWN
2. L)onald Regan rearranged.
3. D.A., yo andf(the musical symbol for
loud") plus mood backward.
8. Jim Harrison, the Michigan poet-novel-
ist whose mustache has often been likened
to Pancho Villa's, reveals in The Paris Re-
vieu', .1 usually dance a half-hour a day to
Mexican reggae music with fifteen-pound
dumbbells. I guess it's aerobic, and the
weights keep your chest and arms in
shape. I can't tell you how envious I am of
this exercise. I know Harrison, and al-
though I don't recall any such behavior on
his part in those places (barrooms) where I
have run ¡rito him, L do not doubt that he
would do improvised Latin dances while
pumping, or waving, iron at home. And it
suits his work. lt doesn't suit mine. But
what workout would? The last aerobic ex-
ercise I can remember that came from my
heart was running up and down flights of
Brooklyn brownstone stairs with two chil-
dren in my arms, and that was years ago.
(My son can now dunk.) No wonder The
Paris Review has never interviewed me.
When we got into the arca of exercise, I
would have to mumble, Oh . . . stationary
bicycle . . tennis . . . The Paris Review
.
doesn't want o embarrass me. So. Several
large dogs to toss into the air? Hogsheads
to bang together? Buckets of sand to drive
my typing fingers into? But it's not just
elements of heft and grit we're after here,
but also of eurythmy. Backflips to whale
song? Synchronized swimming to gut-
bucket blues? Something. Liberals have
got to get z.'igorousagain. I'll tell you this: I
voted for Dukakis, but I'm not going to go
out walking with Heavy i-lands. A heavy
heart, yes.
24. P in site. We are talking healthy,
wholesome malice here, a kinder and gen-
T tler malice, a malice of compassion and
hope.)

TROUBLE
How does a car uork?
Why does it break/
How can youJix it? Why me?
BY ELLIS WIUNFI
Previously in How to Be a Grown-up:
.1 have recently descended into the hell
of major car repairs (che trans broke. was
fixed, and broke again. taking other viral
car organs with it). .
o Naturally I in the
expect1
end, to obtain complete
P satisfaction, as regards both
the ruadworthiness of the
vehicle and the disbursements I have bcn
obliged to outlay for rental cars, etc. .
Courageous. if stupid, words. I think I
knew even then that my quest would be in
vain. And yet I learned something from
this experience, something that has made
me a better man, a better human being, a
better grown-up. I learned about life. I
learned about human fallibility. I learned
about automatic transmissions.
Rather than bore you with the details,
let me bore you with the general pl()t:
Drive iflto Manhattan one Sun. a.rn. Car
hemorrhages transmission fluid, smokes
and roars its way through Holland Tunnel,
comes to dead halt. Have it towed co
nearby, open-all-the-time garage ( Shop
A). Israelis. Big color photo of Lubavitcher
rebbe on wall of cramixd office, like wife's
grandmothers framed Sun.-supplement
pix of JFK and pope. Yikes, Jewish
mechanics, contr. in terms? Or whew, car off
street, in hands ofpious men of G-d'
Return two days later, hand over cash-
¡ers check for low four ñgures, drive off.
Downshift feels like coronary arrest, makes
grinding noise. Ninety mnutes lacer. trans
caves in. Hobble home in second gear.
Make enraged phone call. Eddie, the
mechanic, says car not road-rested at high
speeds. Take it to nearby trans shop CShop
B), agree on phone with Sam, boss at
Shop A, to have X done, for which self will
pay, to be reimbursed by A. Begin renting
car for pers. use. Days later, pick up real
car, drive 100 feet, hang. zoom. whole
thing caves in, comes ro dead halt. Have
towed back to B. On phone with A. agree
to have trans taken clown (low three
figs.) but have work done. Done. Prob-
fl()
lem with rear. Shop A: We'll tow it back
here and fix it. Tell them to put the trans-
mission in a l)OX. (Self. to self: 'I'/'ii is what
it 'J ome to? A box?)
Days pass, tow truck arrives, driver tells
me he hasn't slept in 36 hours. Ha ha, next
chapter in comedy Or yikes, not funn) car
itself in grave peril? Hoist car, load box,
watch truck tow car away. Like seeing rda-
rive being carted off to prison, sort of.
Sclfand wife N.Y. for two-day child-
if)
free holiday. Call Shop A. Need new rear
unit, &t cost approaching four figures. In
cash. Betre work commences. Tomorrow.
.
Silk: Less what I paid Shop B, right? As
. . I he groti '?i-iip thinks,
You mean it's possible to resolve
(IiSl)UtCS vithout hiring either
lawyers or Luca Brasil
per agreement with Sam the Boss'
MAN AT SHOP A: No. Sam on vacation.
Sitting on the edge of the hotel bed in
my underwear. freezing, I do what just
about anyone would do. Granted, to Dan
Q uaylc that means one thing: phone
Mother and Father. But the plain fact is,
most of us don't know the Quayles home
number. So I call the Department of Motor
Vehicles and am given a number for the
Lemon Law ofiice. According to a secre-
tar)', They should be able to affiliate you
with someone who can help you.
lt turns OUt tO b the Atwrney General's
Oflice. Wow, now to flex some consumer
muscle? Or uh-oh, pip-squeak car corn-
plaint too puny, get outra here you
knucklehead
Incredibly, a gentleman answers the
phone, listens patiently to my story, asks
pertinent juestions, expresses credible
sympathy and, over the course of th next
fi'e hours, does the following: calls Shop
A, mediates in a conference call between
them and self, hunts down vacationing
Sam, mediates in conference call between
Sam and self, brings disputing parties to-
gether in mutually acceptable compromise.
-I used to be a saksman. the attorney
generals man says while Sams wife, at
Shop A, summons Eddie the Mechanic.
Now yourc on the other side of the
fence, I say. How do you like this job?
l love this job. I would do this for free.
Mole touching than this, in the realm of
civil service, it doesn't get. The grown-up,
determined not to l)C pushed around and
made a sap of while he is being pushed
around and made a sap of, thinks. Gee. You
ineaz it 5 poisibl. i?! New York, io redoIve
disputes uithoui hiring either lawyers or Luca
Brasi? lt's enough to make one think
aboii r rexon ing one s cynicism.
Not that ones cynicism should be gerry-
mandered out ofexisrcnce entirely. No, not
when there is this Amusing Development:
tWo brackets that mount the crans to the
car are missing. Low three figures. (Mislaid
by Shop A' By Shop B? Bounced off truck,
unseen by sleep-deprived row-trucker?
Speculation rife as 1)0th sides disclaim re-
sponsibility. ) No. one's native paranoia
about car repairs remains, not only Lindi-
minished but somehow enhanced.
But to meet one perfectly reasonable,
intelligent person, working for the state of
New York, who will hclp solve this sort of
Problem without seeking money either
over the counter or under the tal)le, with-
out exercising influence for a future quid
}ro juo, without even asking you to prove
your bona fides - this, if not actually in-
spiring, is at least very nice. And let not the
grown-up sneer at nice. Nicene.rs counts. In
a city in which the difference between cyni-
CiSfl) and realism is increasingly academic,
one OUOCC of niceness from an interaction
with actual people can neutralize this much
excess theoretical l)ile about he world.
What does it all mean? It means that for
every two had garages there is one good
civil servant. Of) a deeper level, it means
don't have a car. It means if you do have a
car, don't drive it. And finally, it means if
you do have a car and you do drive ir,
don't use the transmission.
MARCH 19895PY 115
 -I-I-I tjri-i-v--i

Crosswo rd Puzzle
ACROSS DOWN
1. Will term lot Bush 2. Former White House
follow closely after chief of scaffdisrortcd by
runaround? (6)
rage. (5)
5. Put Ed through the mill.
3. Prosecutor. yo! Loud
nor up in thc air. (8)
mood coming up for the
9. In a way, Yale gush'll be
infernally ill-lavored. (4.2.4) Last Roundup. (3.2.4)

lo. Sharp wail. (4) 4. Go pisa up a column. (6)

1 1. Handwriting on wall: What we whipped the
1 fight a right guard
British with -chest-
back. (8)
pounding and roaring. we
12. Negative bones deal is
hear. (8.7)
ofr. (2.4)
13. Parry. party for dead (Alternate spelling.)

bird. (4) 6. Line is so muddled by

15. Stags lap collapses. slippery quality. (8)
Bush Era Speia/ and the rest is silence. (4.4)
7. Knead distraughdy,
18. Destroy ankle in a
nude. (5)
hLt. (5.3)
8. Worked our in high
19. Open ruin. (4)
21. Interruption oídrink dudgeon. (9)
by gym class alerts doctor 14. Oh, nuts, toe broken:
or drug dealer. (6) not getting along. (2,3,4)
23. Accusations satisfactory
16. Least sanitary can make
as Reaganomic bounty.
guest grin. (9)
(8) (Newly coined word.)
2.5. Trash headless bear. (4) 17. A drOOlin' weird dead

26. Hit at crime gooMy it thing. (8)

Ldds up. (10) 20. Big nerworker?
27. Nothing in drunken
Somewhat! (6)
hassles with jerks. (8)
22. Strike Timej head. (5)
28. Decayed teeny tiny
elephant heads inside the 24. Malice of sPY's heart in

Gipper. (6) place. (5)

Th anjwers to ¡he Un-Briiii/, Crossword appear on page 1 14.

1I6SPYMARCH 1989
 LOO
-- SK.fl. 4 il..
C...dly L....?

S! Ti D AT BIRTH?
D.- Dtt,i. ...d ,h.t
P. Pr.,dh,..'-.

nr'
t,I
.,,,dIk. k,6,.

M '.3 0

Includes: ALL FOR JUST

Over 450 different faces-300 never-before published! s69; At bookstores now
Chapter introductions only SPY could have produced
An 41Essentially Useless Index" Published by DOLPHIN/DOUBLEDAY
 STILL THE CHAMP Anthony
CC) Iladen-Guest, spy's 1988
Ironnian Nightlife 1)ccath-

I-
PHOTO CREDITS Ion winner, COI3CIflUCS his
Page 4 Scn Am.. W.nk (krgee gruding nonstop all-night-
Pog.*i I 1-1 2. to Arg.h iim. Photo (81ecdmon). AP/Wid.
WcW IDR. Nozs. Ro Golilla (A1,iuj every-night training regi-
Poq. 30 Ron W&ntO.dO F.oiw, }fl$efnOhOnaI (5anhj; tl/
8.Pmor. Nwphoo. (Ekkch; Ro. Golilla (Ouirw). men in anticipation of the
Pogs 31 L?/1q.tnonn N..sphoc. (3nK .ogon Ouayhj; AP/ i 989 Ironman semifinals.
Wd. WoId (DiAo&.s
Po9. 32: P*ciohii (Pio His arrn around two unidentified well-wishers and his eves
po9. 34 M.ch. D.ho (Kopor". FPG pod)
Page 36 Randy Dunbw on a third (ah',ze), Haden-Guest SCCII1S to long k)r another
P.9. 40 C G4l. P.,.si/Mo9nwo P$oo, kc )Bv);
NY Do Ne.s (Whan.y); VOIQIn Kohano/Stocing Siot (Fo*I.
set (.)f limbs that would
., NY Pois )Son d Sam). Roo Goi.Io (Tturç OCtO1)USSiShl,' increase his
po9. 42: H ÑmsIrong Robi (De. Nich).
Pog. 46. P,vìk.d Finn )co$.00). grope-an(l-snugg!e radius - a
p.9. 31: UPt/k$Worw N.o,pko*os WCil.ndO,. APÍWd. WoM
Iopc,
criti(a! eømpønent in any win-
Pog. 52 H AtmUon9 Rob.m ¿coni4 rung lronman performance. At
Pog 34. Moitho Soop. (t.gs Domond. Wuioovil.
P.9. 56 Bu Ak/NV Tin Sudo (F'onl&). G&b and former Iiøt Sj)Ot M.K.(righi).
Ro.-ibd cow*oy al 71i Nw Yod Tm.s
Pog.. 3$-59: Ro.orn. Rub.niun/Psopl. W..&y/C I 986 Lia. important novelist Jay Mcm-
Ii' -): Siaca Aon.. W.Òi
Page 6 1
f8.gia)
on Aua.. WiiI )Bsigr).
erney. past master of the Sul-
Poyp &4 ick .¼MdIOn (GiU.t) len, Dopey Literary Stare, takes a few pointers in Don
po9., ò nd.ck L.wm/NYC (hou)
Pog. 66 RObSdi (load); Frsdstic tians (wduogro-)
AUTiIIVCO9 Knotts-ian facial expressiveness from Haden-(ì uest . Stand-
'1h. Sioch Shop )&oanng blood). ( j.ø,., R..,d/
I-

The . p )pulh)
ing uncomfortably close to
po9. 73 1 Aiiiotig Rob.ai (orni). c Hany J Piz.kop/
1h. $ioc4 shop )pilI,); C Dcli Lig.oflh. S'odi Shop (mon).
Ct another unidentified
Ç Hmb Sm'z.n/Th. Sodi Shop (chiai). .
well-wisher (left) . Haden-
po9. 74 i; Damd AR*/Th. Stock Shop (òc Fr.d.IIC Liwi.
Guest inexplical)ly hears

Et'
NYC (ch.ch) H. Amiiiong Rob.ia (need.. nI.gnio).
P.9. 76 london F.oajan iwnot.onoI )5ad.) Coniia 8ctbo,.n. j . down hard perhaps to re-
MOVQUOIOS bLandi. I 902. Fo&nivng Mutian. Eu.n. Giamony
(Goug'n), Aa Resouic. fGnowJ; Ron Godlo (lazai). lease some of the hcr-
Pog. 77 Gooudon/M Riacuqc. (P.coio). Mdoiiy 50VI9IIOIiO/RO
Goud(5u; Wohn MceI.dI/hInO Lid. (Diaii.k). ornonish unidentified-well-
Johonuø/Ou'in. Pisos (Oans); i.s Dmno.oia dAnJyon (1907).
on cannas, 8 o 78. Cca.duon. th. Muiia,n d Madoni Ast. Nm
.

'isher-attractirig man-
You1 Acqoiad ifvah th. tRi. P. BLu kquiai. musk he is falfl()L1S for.
Pog. 7$. Ron Wo$icn/London F.oMia INsino%onaJ P4Onnd).
Rocky Widr*/R.jna Ud. (Ruchoids); Fd..o Noci,u/Gl )Ocoi.&(. Ail
P.iai.c. (Schial.. lop); 5 Ponioi With Ann Tmiu.d Above Ksod.
c 1910 PvivCoIh.on)Schs,.,boitom)
YPRANCING At the c;reat American (;liibhouse, Haden-
Pa9s 79 Ron GoLda tSn&iWg(. UPI/B.itmaa. N.wnphob
)Gob&(. Tho Miaropohion Aiwjffi cl Ail. Anonymous GA. 1983
Guest performs nw Jittle-known. I m-J ust-a-'cX'orking-
C
1983 2 I I (8oio); Ail R.,oi*c. (Bo;on;). Kohol Cohctcn Man-from-Bristol. leg-over-leg version of the twist with a
(5chwocz.negge); NY 0a4 Nwi (Hog.) Th. Melody Hounli My
R.viaia 4 I 98 I by VAGA. Nia. Yonk and 8&LDKUNST, Bairn stonyfaced (lance-floor persuaclee, whose subsequent sniirk
(LicÑsnis..n); truco taninen/Pholoinpodmi )Pakmo PLcaso) All
SCCfl1S tO Say, Im t/tiiìg this oi i (hire. Strutting and pL1ting
R.ioiirc. )lágrn),
pa9. SO; Coinssy V$oirn and Aibein Minium (B.OldI1Iy Woman his way through a ery personal. very cathartic. Mick Jag-
and B.cycl.. 1952-53 (D. Koonir, Idi), Joi.ph Mottm/Sca4a/Att
R.saitc. (D. Kooiang, aghi); Roi. Hodnazi )M&4$. Moruno Cornici ger-esque bougie reverie. Haden-Guest takes first place in
)Rdlwnrnic.. Choazing); 8on GalillO (Sinifi. MOnoil). Th. lrwngu.
1 890. Konmklijk Mun.um noci Scion. Kvnii,n. AM.erp lirmoi); (
his own one-maci conga line. even though his enthusiasm
Maih R.uni*n/Phaion.ponmn (8eagon( Chai. os (Nci.1ion) exceeds his l)OdVS tuherlike pliability
Scolo/Agi Riawc, (Van Gogh. nhi); Mu*és â. Bol,, Liig,dot,on
Rudo8 Ssoech.hn (Von Gogh. hiti; Siirnal/Gøhl$o )Hun?. ChciL
Anthony Si*.gnorm/Goh$o Vonowi); Coi. PaiL.. 1Homme ou
Doig*. co. 1947 IGoia.cu. op I9hII. Soda/Ast R.ioi*c.
(Giacot. IOwci hh and bouma righil: icily Wochiui/Iocu on
Sporn (Bol); Karen Hardy/London lsøiicuu Mcinaiond (DoSa.)
peg. si Ron CalcIO (Gos... Munndl. Bid); Gin. Trinri/Glohi Phm
01 (Hown), Bondnno Con Tr.cc. (Modigloni); Smso1/OahIia
(Durai), Momo Cornici (Ro.Iwn); P.* C . Boisori )BriLulàn); Roznan.
mod' (Zarca); Chuch Pulir/Sin' Fil. )Kun4 Nain Cuilsi/Glob.
Pizoloi Baigna.); Ponro.t oSo ?#on, 1622 Oiainwozih. The ADEMOISELLES DE THE
Chaluwodi Houi Toni 4øIu. ligid). Poiino.i ai w.rion Czoia. Apse
SPANISH BALL. Megawon-
Piloholhih. Munich Hob. m.ds). Ai' Riaource (Moie. b. Moai..
(19511 Old op Wi). Scalo/M Riaounce Moor.. bco.n hfr, Doccia. derfu Ijewelry and
Gloso); Anihony Salnß0000/ROn CaSe4o (Smith. Sh.. Jci*i
Hoinihoc fGiuhon4 tchotchke designer
Pog.. 82-13 Frederic Icon/NYC (woman); Fron Colin (Tubock).
Po9e 8$ Kobol Cølhchon (Domney Jr.. lobock)
Paloma Picasso mes-
Po9ei 90-9t . sop. Tb. Siock Shop: bøitoin Pesci Avachi merizes designer Aga-
Page 99 Dugin Piinniai (Suigai Rani); Jenny Lynn (Hanau Kai).
Pag. i 00 cialeui I 987 Fusi L. Gould/Images
ICoulsilo), c tua Ruiz with her
(Main), 5ljI/ Pc,w.s (Dun.oMcs), Soto Barril
(Plolsound
. .\fl

SIcoi).
demonstration of that
pa9. loi Gerald Zugasorsi/The Mui.um oS Modern An t'icw You
age-old party trick in
ICoop HinamBilas). Soto Barril (Miau Repubhe. Luisis. Msijicn.
which you try co touch
Pog. 102 Soro Barree (mau loaf. cancMiuichil; Nick, Couva )iiic.s
,OUr lips simulta-
Pog. I IO H Aimseong Roberts (unoa on phoani.
Pagss i i I-I 19 Jalas Simon. )*zdonGu.st dancing). Poirick
iieouslv ti.) your OOSC
McMulon (dl ndssu iiodon.G,mui), Ron Gohia WIk).
Tomnu Arroyo/Ron Golilla (Sialoac). Ros. Hautmor
and your chin. And
LionoacuL Kouiabi. Bynn.( al oihouu. Manzo Gambi shes done it I)rinks
all around!

)I8SPYMARCH 1989
HOWDY! Apparently the hot uew
ugly garment is the plaid x)Iyest(r
sports coat. of (he SOf( pOpLIIariZCd
by Jack-in-the-Box francIiisi.s.
Overage Jaix-nauf David Byriu
models a whit-rrash a(lua-aI1d-srt-o(-PL1rplc tartan (with
Jill-of-all-trades Tarna
Jaiowitz. modclirìtz
clothes at a Bersey
Johnson show during
fashion veek. contin-
0eS (O validate tht
jU(lglflt'fl( of her men-
cor. former .\ U 'l'i'4t ' editor \Villiam Shawn. (lis horiziipital
.Ir1Pe.0 t/)11 iakt (j// look thinpier.
-
rrim?n no-
longer-Luite-so-ban k -
ahle actor-artist-ho-
mLlnculus Sylvester
Stallone growls as he
sits astride a life-size
n)u)rcvcle (with kick-
stand down for sakr
driving) and models
an inexplicable jacket
ut I)l)S(tIfV origin and.
we can only ¡resut1e.
ridiculous price.
VAftcr being under the sun-
laffli) ; too long. dwarf bi!-
lionaire I.arrv Tish puts on a
fitise mustache and goes look-
¡ng for thrilling high jinks.
a\X'illtully boyish I)is-
Iwy "'p lichtcl his-
ncr. who had never
before been plu)(o-
grapheil eith another
htintn being. makes
1 kt jCLk)US E)y pos-
i1.
ini. wb an adniiriniz
tiiil )VeU.
rnaching vest) beneath the strucwrally unsound. bronto-
SdUtLIS-lik(.' combInation of jumbo head aiI we litrk neck.
Meanwhile. Terry Sweeney impersonator Mark Kostahi
kmon-flavored [)acrongctup,
(right). ¡n a licorice-and-
seems to make a cer- _________ Cain kind of!ove to the cam-
era with his reptilian u)mc-hither look.
'iR/'P) I.ater. shows off the
knees that made her the I11O(leI she
is - in L piece from johnsons
- Lowrider Ladv collection (note
the fh)ral-seat-cover-print strapless
skirt and the sombrero with flufFc-
dashboard-trim piping).
Just outside his
AQUALITY TIME
limo. Bruce Willis surrepti-
tiously hands off his baby.
Ruiner. ti) a hired baby-
h.n J i er.
L RUB-A-DUB-DUB Gossip colum-
ntstpotcnual Antichrist
matchmaker R . Coon I-lay
(right) does his level best U)
ignite a companionable spark
between reclusive shy-guy
writers Bret Easton Ellis and
Quentin Crisp.
BUT
YOUR HONOR . . . D()OfllCd junk
bond suzerain t ike M ilken.
making the fl)St of his kw re- -
maining pretrial outings. has -..;'-
L)eefl (kv()nug himself to beimig aí
photograhcd Zelig-like.. tc OLD PEOPLE, PARTY OF FIVE?
c1urit (VCflt'.. ThAT'U. BE TABU 22
MARCH 198') SPY I 19
 .

IIIi .lIlSIlI

- -

,
'A'Afl
.. .,

4
4r '.
. ./Ji/
A

g,

t. i,

I%U I ti I I I%I U l%1 I I1 I%I II 1%'

in the old days meant squandering valuable linie packedfae-to-armpii with legions ofother grogpj siraphangers. 5ta in our Neu', Improved Neu'
York, the subu'ay train has gone the way ofihe jitney and the ricksha. Ride the Metropolitan Pneurnatk Tube Transport System andyou 'II arrive in
Manhattan before Ok can catch your breath. Faster than an interoffice memo, able to leap the East River in a single arc, the MPTTS operates on the
simple concept o/suc/ion. So step into your own u'ell-padded Pneuînato-Cylinder. lie back on the easily mopped vinyl lining and preparefor the 30
seconds ofsheer terror that have replaced black coffee as every morning pnesininziiters stimulant ofchoice. )

ILLUSTRATIONJ BY HOWARC
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