First Timers Guide To:

LYFE
__________ By the outlaws known as: Justin Rankin & Adam Bunnell

FIRST TIMERS GUIDE TO: LYFE Copyright 2010 By: Justin Rankin & Adam Bunnell All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the authors. Printed in USA

First Timers Guide To: DEDICATION

To the city of Las Vegas, our families, friends, and anyone weve come into contact with the past 23 years of both our lives. This book (and we use that term loosely) is as much ours as it is yours and we want to thank everyone for the inspiration and opportunities we have been given that made this all possible.

First Timers Guide To: TABLE of CONTENTS

Dedication .............................................................. 3 Introduction ............................................................ 5 Attire ...................................................................... 6 Alcohol ................................................................. 13 Beer ...................................................................... 19 Wine ..................................................................... 25 Hangovers ............................................................ 31 Las Vegas ............................................................. 34 Gambling .............................................................. 39 Facial Hair ............................................................ 47 Coffee ................................................................... 52 Strip Clubs ........................................................... 59 Pickup Lines ......................................................... 65 Party Etiquette ...................................................... 72 Tipping ................................................................. 77 Ordering A Drink ................................................. 81 Weddings ............................................................. 87 Dancing ................................................................ 93 Final Chapter ........................................................ 97

First Timers Guide To: INTRODUCTION

Two gentlemen who have a lot of stories to tell and wisdom to share with the world are chronicled in this book. Never done in the traditional fashion, they pride themselves on breaking all of lifes unwritten rules so you dont have to.

First Timers Guide To: ATTIRE

"Dress to impress" is the motto you must follow when it comes to attire. If you have the capability to pull it off, we suggest full suits at all times. This takes a large pair of stones to fully accomplish, but everything you do is important (why else are you doing it?), therefore, a suit perfectly accentuates that aspect of your personality. People always take notice when you have on a suit which makes no event too small to lace up the old three piece. Everything from a two hour flight to an afternoon at the park warrants a suit. A tie can be optional with the suit, but make sure if you wear one that it matches. We aren't trying to create new fashion trends, just using the ones available to our advantage. And always remember that you are doing big things (dare we say a mover and shaker), not selling used Hondas so make sure to look extra sharp before you leave the house. Give the impression that this is what you do all of the time, rather than finally getting your big boy pants. A sweater is a very nice casual way to look spiffy and to draw attention while not making it seem like everything is about 6

you. We can all thank Joseph Gordon-Levitt for bring the sweater vest into a new and somewhat sexy acceptance among even the main stream ladies. it gives you the ability to look sharp and sophisticated while in actuality you just might have woken up from a long nap or come from the gym. Wearing a sweater is an easy way to look like you are big timing it, but in actuality you have on underneath a wrinkled t-shirt or no shirt at all. A nice sweater is a great way to be relaxed and flexible but still look professional and classy. We must demand that you wear a collared shirt underneath that matches if it is a lower neck cut sweater. We aren't really interested in how many curls you did this morning; leave people wanting more is truly the name of the game. Who is going to buy the cow when they can gaze at the milk for free? Slacks or untarnished work pants are good everywhere, but a nice pair of dark jeans can be a good fit too. President Obama might be able to wear acid washed or light blue "dad jeans" but he is the only man on Earth who can do so. Shorts are appropriate if you are wearing flip-flops, slip ons, or running around bare foot like a forgotten child, but don't really look right otherwise. Please don't pair a sweater and shorts, because we know it's hot out but a funeral is not the place to start mixing casual and formal. What your footwear says about your intentions: Flip-flops: I'm not going to run anywhere today. I'm laid back, drama free, and I like the way the cold air or hot sun feels on my toes. Socks make me uncomfortable, and if I had the choice I would never cover up my feet ever again. Wing tips: All business. I'm an old school soul that likes to 7

have my footwear reflect how important and powerful I am. Clearly by my incredibly unnecessary footwear I have really great things to accomplish, and by me even talking to you should make you feel special and high class. Sneakers: My day involves travel, maybe some light exercising, but I'm casual enough to where I can still be about business if required. I am an individual with options, a chameleon of industry and you may not know what will happen next when you are with me. Sneakers are really the go to shoe in the end. They work if a pickup game of basketball starts up, if you have a 4 o'clock meeting that you didn't know about until minutes prior or for working at your crappy job that you really hate but can't quit because you just can't. The everyman shoe the sneaker is, so whenever you are in doubt wear sneakers. Button up shirts can be a nice way to present yourself, but a golf shirt will kill your credit whitey. With all shirts please make sure they fit correctly. Patrick Schwayze isn't going to give you a high five from the grave on your ridiculously form fitting shmedium shirt so buy in a men's size there, Guns McGee. If you are of slight build and it is the only shirt that fits you correctly then by all means wear a slim fit, but if you just want to show off with two tickets to the gun show we must quote the great Gary Radnich when we say, "nobody cares!" Baby gap will do fine without you buying out all of their v-neck shirts that your sister likes to borrow and always remember a pre-teen starter bra is not a shirt so size up there mister. You want your shirt to fit not hug, and if I can't definitively tell that what you are wearing is a shirt because it's stretched so thin across your chest then clearly your issues are bigger than this book can tackle. Obviously you weren't hugged enough as a child and you are so deprived of everyone's attention always being on you that you need to flex and look like a moron to fill that void. You should really talk to 8

somebody; seek help, because if you made it on the wrong end of this publication then drastic measures need to be taken. Don't try and pop your collar while out in public. If you want to show off, do it for yourself ... with the door closed ... and the lights turned off. Answer me this, what good comes from popping your collar? Exactly, nothing. Cargo pants and shorts of any kind are tricky when they are camouflage. The fact that you are wearing them will not make me not be able to see you in that lawn chair drinking a beer, and if we are being honest you haven't properly "cargo'd" sense you were a kid. Shorts are a viable option for this style, but pants make you look like you had a really nice place to go but didn't have enough space in your backpack, pant pockets, wagon, girlfriend's purse, car, or sports coat to fit all of the amazing things you clearly need to bring and show all of the adults where ever you are going to be. Shorts are fine only because it looks like you are going on a safari or that you need some extra room to hold your keys and a good book. Please leave the cargo pants to the children who have bugs, reptiles, candy, cigarettes, knives, and other obscure objects to hide in extra large pockets. Wearing the logo of your favorite sports team(s) is great, but keep it to one single article of clothing when in public. At a game you can wear your entire getup and look like a chubby ball boy with five o'clock shadow. However, you shouldn't be wearing your favorite team's hat and jersey at the same time anywhere outside of a stadium or your living room. You didn't get a call at home because the Giants need a lanky pinch hitter who 9

used to bat cleanup in coach pitch, so separate your fandom. You flamed out after little league when everyone started growing taller than five feet and you need to get a grip. Nobody is giving you a tryout for the Warriors, so put a shirt on under your Stephen Curry home jersey because you won't be called off the bench to fill in during garbage time and Stephen isn't going to be giving up his number anyways. That belly is a really nice addition, and we know that the Warriors need size down low but they meant vertically and not horizontally, chief. A hat is fine. A jersey is fine. But don't mingle the two together. Finally we have reached the funny shirt section. This trend has finally blown over (thankfully), in the past years, and those who wear "I can only please one person a day and it's not your day" or whatever shirts are now where they belong in the socially awkward clubs of society playing with magic cards and collecting all of the poke'mon rather than every person thinking they are hilarious and waiting for people to comment on their hilariously cloned t-shirt. Putting these people out to fashion pasture is a great step forward in evolution which will eventually kill off those who find themselves funny, but in actuality aren't in the slightest. A strong personality is needed to wear a shirt with words on it only because people are going to read it and look at you in association with whatever is on that shirt. Funny looks and long squinted stares come with the territory, but there are a few ways to make this a real fun time for you out in public. First the ground rules: subtlety is really an art form here with a very delicate line that can be the difference between getting a high five or your face beaten in by onlookers. Luckily the humor of those creating these funny t-shirts is evolving into more adult content (not pornographic), but still being cheeky and light at the same time. This morphing from tacky to clever has made for 10

individuals with a more sophisticated and complicated humor pallet to work their way to the forefront and take charge. Much like a virus that keeps mutating in order to be funny and relevant t-shirts have been changing and have finally left their awkward teenage phase and have now young adults. With sophistication comes complexity which is why some very clever parents are playing cruel jokes on their kids without any regard for consequences. For instance a Dr. Dre "The Chronic" shirt is always acceptable, but this isn't funny, you might be thinking. Slap that same shirt on a kid in shorts and flip flops who quietly harmonizes "Ain't nothin' but a G thang" as he or she gets a smoothie at Jamba Juice while sporting a pair of aviator sunglasses and then you may think otherwise. Being ironic and miss-fitting is the ability to push conventional to its knees. Having your young child wear a shirt with Tom Selleck on the front from his legendary days as Thomas Magnum on Magnum P.I. from the age of one until they start dressing themselves at six or seven and having them look back in confusion decades later will be priceless. Being genuine and owning the style is truly what this is all about. The attention must almost be a surprise when you wear something funny, and your attitude has to be one in which this is a normal occurrence for you. Smug or arrogant will destroy the integrity of the message (whatever message that happens to be). When all else fails and you don't know what is appropriate keep it clean and cute. "Rated G" t-shirts that poke fun at you as a person from a superficial standpoint can really be great and just always remember to think about the children. Some articles of clothing that really never should be worn include a "MEMBERS ONLY" jacket. This is one piece of clothing that breeches the "do not wear" rule only because it has been so overdone that it is clich and played out beyond belief. If 11

we have to see one more late teen punk with aviator or wayfarer sunglasses and a "MEMBERS ONLY" jacket and converse "Chuck Taylors" on their feet then we will lose our collective minds. The jacket screams irony in the worse possible way, and that is for the simple fact that so many people are doing it(ironic in itself). Skinny jeans on men and low "v neck" cut t-shirts are next on the list. Both of these just make every person who wears them look like either a gay sailor or an ant with a huge body and tiny legs. Male muffin top (or M.M.T. as we have coined it) is never attractive and eventually these men will die from lack of circulation and being an idiot, so score one for mankind! Assuming you wear clothes, one would have to believe that you do so to be comfortable. What is comfortable about denim hugging your skin in all of the wrong places? And if you must purchase your pants from the women section so that they will fit tight enough then we can truly no longer be friends. Surely there is a middle ground between not wearing any pants at all and having an extra layer of blue skin sucking the life out of your legs? Low "v neck" t-shirts are made for Zorro, pirates, or Fabio and not for the everyday man. Seeing a guy in a shirt involving a low cut neck makes us want to beat that individual down with a golf club in front of company. Stay away from these unneeded items and maybe, just maybe we can be friends.

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First Timers Guide To: ALCOHOL

You enter a bar for the first time and you don't see a menu or list of drinks that are offered, just a wall of bottles and taps without any telling what is going to happen or what your first move should be. You look confused and scared (like you need a hug from a drunk stranger) and this new environment has you incredibly overwhelmed. A sudden move straight to the bar is what your body decides is best and what you don't know is that you must make a decision quickly or the night could possibly take a turn for the miserable. Your window to order a drink can be small and crucial if you are on a time crunch because the bartender may not swing back to you again until they serve everyone else in line, or they will become complacent about continually asking you if you are ready to dive in and make an adult decision about your beverage of choice, and although you can't seem to spot your friends in the bar deciding to take the plunge if you are lucky enough to score a window of ordering time may just have to be taken in order to not be sober anymore. You step up to the bar dead presidents peaking out of your tightly clinched fist as if to signify to the bartender, "I would like to order my drink."

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The choice has been made to order the drink and by doing so you are selecting what kind of identity you will present to the rest of the bar through your beverage. Beer has to be a staple of your diet. It lasts longer than mixed drinks, tastes pretty much the same everywhere you go, and is more of a social drink than it is a club beverage. You want to talk when you have a beer in your hand. Gesturing clearly is a huge factor in selling your theory on why the NBA needs to switch back to short shorts, and a bottle makes for a perfect motion protector that will save you from looking like a sloppy drunk. Much like boxed wine in a soda can, avoiding a spill will hide the fact that you are drunk and irresponsible but still gives you the opportunity to enjoy a drink or ten even when out in public. When selecting something to drink (more specifically beer) try something local to see what you've been missing because nothing says "I care about where I'm from" like getting drunk on local booze and eating the most delicious taco from the trunk of a street vendor at 3 a.m. Double jeopardy for you because that $5 you spent on that beer you just enjoyed stayed in your community, allowing the bar backs to buy more faded light blue 1989 Pontiac Firebirds, jean jackets, tattoos, and mullet accessories. Not only did you get to enjoy a tasty beverage from your home area but you have just stimulated the local economy. Well done! You are practically a senator with your economic genius at work. Who needs to give out billions in tax cuts and spending when you can drink a beer made from the water of the dirty river you have scoffed at all of your life and have seen numerous people get herpes from? Budweiser and Coors might be American, but they also taste like stale carbonated water. If you have to make an argument as to why you drink Coors or Budweiser without the cost being a factor, we will say liar, liar pants on fire. Drink a man beer rather than that weak urine water 14

that should only be used for beer pong or to cook with when you run out of dollar bills to buy real beer with and enjoy the taste of your beer. You've given up on drinking beer, because clearly you don't value your life and a mixed drink is next up on your list in your inevitable slide to cocaine and hookers. If you just have to drink something mixed, then stick with something like a rum and coke (consisting of rum and coke), jack and coke (consisting of Jack Daniels and coke), whiskey sour (consisting of whisky and sour mix, sometimes a cherry), or a seven and seven (consisting of Seagram's 7 whiskey and 7up). Long Island iced tea (consisting of vodka, tequila, rum, gin, triple sec, sweet and sour mix, and a little coke) will get you trashed in one drink if you have a lower tolerance and same with an AMF if you don't mind looking like someone dropped a glow in the dark Jolly Rancher into your drink. Never try and order a purple drank at a bar or ask for it at a strangers party. The special mix of prescription drugs (codeine), cough syrup, Sprite, and on occasion a Jolly Rancher will alter your state of consciousness and allow you to escape any demons you have been battling. Rappers, congressmen (and women), first overall selections in the NFL draft, drug dealers, and stay at home mothers (fathers as well) are the main users of purple drank and can usually be caught doing so in a back alley, during the morning carpool, after practice, or in the club. Purple drank is for those with problems bigger than a team of P.R. specialists can spin, and the downward spiral to hookers and cocaine is inevitable. Money being no issue you order a scotch on the rocks or neat. Dignified is how you drink and it is a step from drinking wine on the veranda after the market had an exceptional day for you financially. DO NOT ORDER WINE AT A BAR. That is 15

whiter than white on rice on a paper plate in a snowstorm while eating cottage cheese with a side of mayonnaise. You might as well just decide you aren't going to have fun and you need to mingle with your new golf buddies in khaki shorts and crew cuts. If the location you are at isn't a wine bar then there is zero chance that you will enjoy the wine that is going to be offered. Most wine drinkers won't flock to whatever fine drinking establishment you frequent, and if they do make that mistake once it will never happen again. If you really want to have fun and you have a good bartender order a Tokyo tea (which is a Long Island iced tea but switch out the coke for Midori melon liqueur). Get ready for some blurry times and drunk text messages, because you have just signed up for a wild ride that starts with a sip and ends with you waking up in a back alley with Carl's Jr. all over your face and cats licking your toes. Shots are not appropriate unless they are in an Irish or Scottish Car Bomb. Also, you aren't a sheriff in the Wild West at the local saloon staring down a dirty outlaw, so how about we drink something good? I don't care what disgusting candy the bartender kind of made the shot taste like, and chances are I will get a bigger hangover from the sugar then the actual shot itself. The point to going out to a bar and drinking is to get drunk, but also to have a good time and socialize. You have to really be responsible and know your limits. Shots are incredibly unpredictable and allow for extreme drunkenness without any warning at all. With a beer or mixed drink, you can feel the effects slowly overtake your mind and body while monitoring your drunken progress. However, shots are like police officers. When everything is fine they can be your best friend in the world, but once something goes wrong you find yourself on the ground crying with a bloody nose or blacked out in the back of their car without pants on. 16

As unpredictable as shots are and truly useless in nature as far as we are concerned they do serve some purpose. Shots bring together people and are a great way to start off a group activity or to finish off a bottle of whisky. Whisky shots are completely accepted in our world. Nothing says badass nearly as well as a man (or woman) with a cigar, bottle of whisky, high ball glass, and a tune on their lips. Usually you find these individuals sitting on a stool at a blown out dive with Tom Waits grumbling from the jukebox, a broken pool table, pictures of people nobody ever knew, and a musty smell with local stink eye stocked to the rafters. This isn't your sister's bachelorette party, so your shot won't taste like a sugar dipped rainbow. But it will get you to places you didn't want to go. It is hard to motion without a drink in your hand because there is a very high chance a rogue finger accidently will poke somebody in the eye, and never underestimate the importance of having something to distract your drunk face from doing something stupid when talking to a future ex wife. You can't dance with a shot in your hand, and it is gone as soon as it shows up. Ordering one shot makes you look like you drink alone or if you order multiple shots at a time for yourself you look like you need a meeting and an intervention. If you aren't able to finish your shot in one flick of the wrist then this must be your first time drinking ever. Rudy Huxtable had no problem going shot for shot on the Cosby show, so we would assume you are able to keep up with a fourth grader when it comes to drinking. Don't drink alone. We don't want to do an intervention book because we drove so many readers into depression and a barstool for one. If you are looking to destroy your heart in one shot, then order anything with Red Bull or some kind of energy drink. If you need energy in order to drink then you need a nap or to drink a cup of coffee and not to mix something that will bring you 17

down with something made to amp up your body. I don't try to cut off my hand with a saw because I know it's a stupid idea, and vodka with Red Bull should look and seem like a stupid idea if you have a brain in your head. Without fail there will be a Dateline NBC series about the idiots who mixed energy drinks with alcohol and how they simply exploded out of nowhere one day while riding the subway. Steer clear of diet sodas and bright colors when ordering your drinks as well. Remember that we are busy destroying your liver not keeping that girlish figure looking trim.

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First Timers Guide To: BEER

The biggest lie of our generation is that someone isn't a beer drinker. Being over the age of twelve means that there is a 90% chance that you have had one beer and possibly more. Pabst Blue Ribbon, Steel Reserve, Natural Ice, Bud Light, these are all the names of beers drank by young underage high school kids who have zero alcohol knowledge and only one thing on their minds. We would like to think that because your budget isn't as restrictive being an adult that you would venture out with the variety that is available. Knowing that this is almost never the case unless it is forced down your throat, we have done the research, and there is only a dollar or two difference between a bottled six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and any really great six pack of local or craft brewed beer. Indecision and not changing has brought many empires to its knees on far more important decisions than what beer to enjoy, so cheat on your usual choice and spice up your drinking life. Bad beer at an extremely cold temperature dulls the senses which will allow for one, two, or fifteen of these stale cans of carbonization to be drinkable. The only flavors that are able to be 19

picked up are urine, vomit, and drunk. Mainly there are zero tasting notes that come with these beers but rather horror stories about ending up passing out in the dirt at a party or climbing over the driver to get into a truck rather than using your own door. Beer pong is the game that works perfectly with these beers because the goal in hindsight is to not drink any of the beer at all. This beer does have its place though, and it usually is for drinking at a park, concert, ball game (when it's only $8 for a cup), camping, or when the keg runs dry and someone needs to make a run with limited funds. These are "gateway beers" that tend to find homes most commonly under beds, in beer bongs, fraternity houses, tail gate parties, parties after prom, and in conjunction with people who drink so much beer that they must buy it by the 1,000 pack. Much like most "gateway" objects or activities they lead to other more potent, powerful, or sophisticated levels, styles, and sources. Terrible beer is no exception. Soon enough taste and flavor will overtake drunkenness in the priority department and most individuals will move on to hoppier pastures. At quick glance you can see what limited options await you at your local watering hole as far as available drafts are concerned, but there can be a large selection of bottles that aren't being shown that can be selected. Normally the bottles are all mainstream brews that you can find anywhere at any time. Ordering a pint is usually a better play for you and the bar owner because you get more beer for normally the same price as a 20

bottle and it costs the owner less if you don't order a bottle. If you are an unsure drinker who looks around nervously and makes unnecessary facial expressions while drinking then you will want a pint glass rather than a long thin bottle. Less of a chance someone sees you licking the rim on a long thin tipped bottle trying to get the lime pulp out with the last of your Corona. A pint can open up conversation with the lovely lady or gentleman next to you when they ask, "What are you drinking?" Not having a label on your beer allows for your beer knowledge to slip out as you say exactly what it is and what aspects of the beer you enjoy or find delicious. In the end bottles are better at keeping liquid in when you inevitably try to "cheers" with somebody or make some crazy unplanned swivel to check out the attractive girl playing pool behind you, and the harder it is to spill and splash a potential lifelong friend or ex-wife in the making, the better off you will be. The pint glass however is a more accepting vessel for all you little girl pukers out there. It has a wide mouth to drink from as to not look like you need some help with every sip giving you a large area to put your mouth on. Hiding that you have a drinking problem is much simpler with a pint of beer because it can either get filled over and over or taken and cleaned once you are finished. Often times bar backs are a bit slow to take bottles that they are unsure of which leads to a table full of empties in front of you and nobody coming over to chat. Tipsy is approachable, but depressed and pounding through Heinekens like it's your sweet sixteen all over again isn't going to get you any positive attention and we can see you heading home alone in a cab. If youre going to try and bust out your big guns and play with the adults without adequate training and preparation, lets keep it clean by ordering a draft beer and taking it one step at a time. 21

The setting and situation is what really is going to dictate the style of beer you are going to drink. If you really need to impress some people then a stout will really turn some heads (in a good way). When selecting a stout you are picking a beer that is going to have a lot of bitter dark chocolate, "tootsie roll", and espresso flavors. It is going to be super dark and if the alcohol isn't too overwhelming it can be incredibly smooth. This is not your standard beer selection because most bars do not carry a stout(and to our knowledge Budweiser isn't planning on releasing a stout), however, it can be very filling and will impress some beer people if you order it and can reiterate the flavors that come with it. This style tends to turn off amateur beer drinkers purely because of the lack of hops and Americanism. When you drink a stout you won't be able to taste a bald eagle flowing from the bottle, and bikini models won't instantly appear and ask for whatever you're drinking. This is a real beer with thoughts, feelings, and opinions all its own and most can't respect that about this beer. An IPA or "India Pale Ale" is pretty standard as far as craft brewing is concerned. Most breweries have an IPA that they brew, and it's really hard to get one that is not of decent quality. This is usually not too crazy of a beer in alcohol content (average around 5%), but will taste (for the most part) like you just drank a pine tree. The hoppy flavor is very well represented and makes the beer taste very strong and overpowering. This usually would be a beer drank on its own or with a very strong food dish, however, this is not for the faint of heart. Moving up to a double IPA, or triple IPA is for the seasoned livers or beer lovers alike. An amazing beer with full body that will bring the weak to their knees and beer lovers to sing their praises an IPA can make a beer drinkers night memorable. A little side note to the IPA is it can fuck with your taste buds and breath. So if you feel like your 22

nights heading in a promising direction and you dont want to be left breathing like a dragon at the cab door then you need to choose another style for this particular evening. Hefeweizen will often come with an orange slice in the beer or on the rim of the pint glass which makes it very recognizable. A light orange cloudy color will give it away from many bar stools over, and will often have a light head on it. Because it is a German wheat beer Hefeweizen can be delicious if cold and fresh, but is easily soured upon if it is warm and has been sitting for long periods of time. Orange and citrus like fruit with yeast and light spice will tickle the pallet with this beer but it carries very little weight and can taste more like a completely watered down smoothie with carbonation rather than a sharp, crisp, warming beer that will fill up the drinker and play into a fruit lovers fantasy. That being said, if you garnish your beer with a fruit wedge, you deserve the ass ramming you get from Big Bubba Johnston over in the corner. He doesnt take kindly to beer garnishing and is eyeballing that orange that you are about to squeeze into your pint glass. There is a simple formula to calculate what the best beer at anytime is. The trump beer is always given to free beer. If a beer is free it already has one of the greatest components in it (you didn't have to pay for it), and getting drunk for free is about as rare as finding a unicorn in your pocket (for men it is anyways). If a cute girl brings you a beer and then sits and talks to you (and she isn't related to you in any fashion) then this is another trump card. I don't care how terrible the beer you were brought is, the fact that it had an attractive vehicle to not make you get up and then wants to have a discussion is unbelievable. Triple check that it isn't drugged or that you aren't going to die shortly after and you may be the luckiest man on the planet. If it is drugged just 23

go with it. Even if the memories are not there but your kidney still is, well then my friend thats a story for the ages. If one beer is significantly lower in price than any other beer (closeout, end of inventory, bad in general, low on hand) then this is the best beer. This also applies to pitchers and pints when out at a bar. If there is a beer of the month that is lower in price than any other beer, then that is your new favorite beer for that particular month. Really doesn't matter how man y Canadian Ales you pour down your throat because you'll still pass out in the same bush down the street just with more money in your pocket to do it again. At the end of the day there is no replacing a want over what you think you want, so if there is a beer you really want to try then you that is what you need to drink without interference. This beer must be incredibly desirable or the woman next to you who ordered one as well must be incredibly attractive to make you jump over a cheaper alternative on a Wednesday morning. So get out there and try something new for once, college isnt just about walking shamefully back to your car, experimenting with drugs, painting your body on game day, and ponging beers. You may give yourself a new experience you can deny later if you just open your eyes to the tragedy that is a near death alcohol related black out experience.

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First Timers Guide To: WINE

Snobby doesn't even begin to describe the reputation that wine gets when people think of it in context to society, but since you clearly won the lottery and are forced to rub elbows with those of class and refinement there are a few things you will want to know. Family money can also lead to the drinking of wine as you will undoubtedly be required to give your thoughts on certain vintages (the year a wine was made), flavors, textures, mouth feel, smoothness, and so on. Now that your wine is coming in bottles and that they cost more than milk we will have to ask that you put down the gallon of red wine, put on a shirt, and join the big boys at the big money table. You could spend years indulging in wine and all things wine related in order to fit it with your pastel polo and khaki pants next time you are attending a mixer, however, getting down some basics will help you to go a long way when you are called upon to drop some snob knowledge. Very important to remember that there are three different ways wine can be stored. Most common vehicle in which wine is 25

transported is a bottle. Cork or screw top, it doesn't really matter. "Super snobs" as we like to refer to them (usually collects wine, owns a vineyard or knows somebody who does) seem to think that corked bottles are the only way to go with wine. This is incorrect because screw tops are being found to keep the wine preserved better allowing it to age slower and not turn into a grape juice mixed with vodka concoction after a couple years of sitting. The bottle is the most traditional and is what you would bring to a fancy dinner party, Michael McDonald concert, or a picnic for a date. Screw tops are great because they are easily opened easily closed, and you won't have to stick your fingers in the neck of the screw top because you can't break the cork in this wine. The advantage to having a bottle of wine is it quickly turns into a street knife by shattering the body end and quickly jabbing it at your offender. Whatever this woman said about eighteenth century pocket watches must have really jerked your chain, but chances are this outburst fixed any problems the two of you might have had. Reconcile your differences by lighting a Cuban cigar with a hundred dollar bill and forget you even had any issues to start with. Second most common way to drink the sweet juices of nature is from a box. Great for organizing your fridge, and if you need to for some reason take it in a backpack out in public then the box is the best form of transportation. Much like evolution boxed wine has moved up in the world and now is reaching new quality standards and is expanding into smaller juice box sizes for inconspicuous spirit consumption. This allows for public drinking without looking like a horrible parent or individual as you park your car and continue into the grocery store with "wine box" in hand (without fail to buy more wine). Slapping the bag is becoming a term of endearment amongst the college kids who are too busy overdosing on Merlot to read and end up enjoying 26

the early perks of having wealthy parents as they mooch their way through life until a trust fund of some kind kicks in. Wine tasting parties amongst the younger drinkers is becoming more popular as sophistication creeps into the minds of the delinquent generation. Extended pinkie raisers munching on slices of cheese and Ritz crackers displayed on a cracked plate who humbly discuss the stock market, sporting endeavors, and how fantastic the cheap wine they are drinking is has become commonplace in some circles. Philosophies and tasting notes are shared as these socialites get progressively toastier by the sip. Stale music accenting the background of a lackluster get together that includes an exclusive guest list is all this is. Keeping out certain people is as important as stroking the egos of those who were invited. This is very similar to training to be rich, because there is nothing that the wealthy enjoy more than excluding poor people and discussing the stock market. Those who taste wine at home and become versed in the culture of wine from their couches and muster up the courage to take their wine show on the road usually round up a couple of close friends, get dressed up, and find some sucker to drive them to a single digit number of wineries that are geologically close. At the risk of sounding like alcoholics and naming their expedition being drunk in a van all day while we pour alcohol down our throats and make bad decisions, wine tour just has a much more marketable ring to it. Normally a weekend adventure, wine tasting/tours can be a mid week event for the extra wealthy (who take a holiday for numerous weeks at a time) or college students without a class in the morning that is crucial to graduate. Taking small shots of wine may seem like a dumb way to drink, but if you havent eaten breakfast or drank wine before this is a nice way to get unprecedentedly tipsy heading into the fourth or fifth winery on your map. 27

Final way in which to consume wine out of the major avenues is from a can. This can be an empty soda can for day drinking or when out in public or for someone with only beer drinking friends you can disguise your new love of finer things in a beer can or bottle. Wine in a can is great for work lunches, funerals, Mormon wedding receptions, baptisms, graduation ceremonies, church, a day at the park, or really anywhere else that you want to drink but don't feel like being asked a lot of questions about your beverage of choice. The vehicle in which you deliver the wine to your lips is as important as what wine you pair with your ensemble. Anything other than a wine glass or king's goblet is strictly unacceptable across the board. Having drank wine with every walk of life we have seen the plastic cup, soup bowl, water bottle, Camel back, shot glass, flask, vinegar bottle, coffee cup, pint glass, deodorant stick, sippy cup, and Yatzee shaker create a safe haven for wine before it enters safely into the owners belly. A wine law is that the size of your glass directly correlates with the size of your feet (just saying). We appreciate imagination just as much as anyone else, but we believe that these powers should be used for good and not getting drunk at work. Cure cancer, fix the ozone, stop children from starving, and then when you get way down on the list of problems to concur that involve hiding alcohol then you better be next to the big red emergency phone waiting for our call. Confidence: noun, full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing. The major misconception that comes with wine is that you need to be an expert. Knowledge does help in any aspect of life, however, in order to gain knowledge you first must be willing to take the plunge and learn. Most people freeze up when they are at a restaurant and are forced to pick a wine, and the safest road we 28

can send you down is to take whatever the house white or red is at that establishment. It'll be the cheapest, and for the most part it will be a Chardonnay or Zinfandel of some kind. The only thing that will dictate what kind of wine you will order is by the food or type of restaurant that you are at. The biggest questions regarding wine are, "what do you pair it with?" We have compiled two separate lists in order to aide in the selecting of wine varietals. Red Wine pairings: Beef, steak, chicken, duck, stew, tuna, dark chocolate, anything barbecued, pizza, lasagna, pasta, deli sandwich, "edibles," chocolate stout, Lucky Charms, hot dogs, Bambi, toast, deep fried butter, nachos, and Everlasting Gobstoppers.

White Wine pairings: Salad, garlic bread, chili rellenos, milk, plain cheerios, pop corn, mushrooms, chips, waffles, eggs, ice cream, biscuits and gravy, soup, macaroni and cheese, hash browns, tacos, grasshoppers, falafel sandwiches, and girl scout cookies. Ways in which to describe the wine you taste: Whiney, acidy, buttery, foxy, oaky, hot, complex, smooth, silky, awesome possum, dark fruity, lemony, coppery, earthy, like sucking on a penny, ill, bombastic, gypsy, playful, citrusy, amazing, phenomenal, mysterious, dreadful, mantastic. Truth is that there is no need to be afraid of wine and the best way to get over your societal fear is to grab a glass and dive in head first. Don't ever think traditionally when you are dealing with yourself, because chances are you aren't that traditional of a person and need to test the boundaries that conventional minds 29

have put in place to stiffen your learning curve. Becoming the George Washington of wine drinking won't come easily, and if you don't have to pry it from the soft handed grip of society and into a new light of understanding then really it isn't worth obtaining anyways.

30

First Timers Guide To: HANGOVERS

The slits you call eyes see just the slightest bit of sunlight peaks into your room and you realize it's almost noon and what was an epic drinking night has been characterized as fully successful. Take one step out of a covers destroyed bed and instantly grab back onto the bed cringing in pain. Your brain is being beaten in by an invisible piece of lumber and everything is now either too bright or too loud to handle. You take one brave step toward a water bottle and your eyes begin to throb. Movement makes you want to vomit, but all you can think about was the fun you had last night.

Hangovers are a part of life and usually follow an incredibly fun night, day, and even morning before you passed out or fell asleep from an over indulgence of alcohol. Prevention is recommended but often this just comes from drinking too much 31

and your body finally deciding to punish you so don't feel bad. You will, but don't think too much about it. Bottom line is that you need to get to a dimly lit area or come prepared with sunglasses. Light is going to be your enemy at all times much like an ex-girlfriend and the less you have to see of it the better you are going to feel. Immediately get as much water and aspirin in you as soon as possible. Take the recommended amount of pain relievers, but water will help your brain to ease the pain. A smoothie or some kind of thick drink with calories will be a huge plus. Trying to eat anything solid could result in vomiting, and something cold will feel good in your stomach. The best cure for hangovers will be the greasiest, starchiest, most terrible meals you can pick up without preparing. No need to become Rachel Ray and try to whip up something in thirty minutes when you can drive and just concentrate on being alive and staying alive for the next half hour to consume your food. If you aren't puking your guts out and dry heaving out a gum like material (that they don't even make anymore) then wait until you feel that your body no longer is trying to clear itself of everything inside. Get to your car without talking or listening to anything anyone says and get some fast food. French fries, hamburgers, Sprite, onion rings, tater tots, pancakes, waffles, chicken fingers, nachos, tostadas, grilled cheese, muffins, sandwiches, and milkshakes are on the menu right now. You may hate these foods normally, but this is no normal day. If your reasoning for hating these foods is for a health reason then consider the twelve beers you just consumed last night and see how that made you feel. Suddenly you can justify eating a six hundred calorie hamburger and fries because you consumed twelve hundred calories of beer just hours prior. Therefore, you need to get these kinds of food into your system and give your body a food foundation in which it can build off of. Sprite or a 32

lemon lime soda will have sugar in it, but it will not contain caffeine which will allow you to eat your food, drink your water, and fall asleep without anything keeping your suffering butt awake. Falling asleep after this meal is the key to recovering in your dreams instead of dealing with stupid people who will try and make your day increasingly miserable by talking, or moving around a lot. With any luck you won't have to go to work today, but if you do grab some coffee and take a nap before you drink your caffeine. Sloth will be your power animal for the next couple of hours and you must accept and embrace that before you go and make some scrilla. If you don't have any previous engagements for the day just slug it up on the couch, turn off all of the lights, and watch whatever Jessica Alba movie is playing on television. Making any decisions will make your brain hurt even more, and you want to just try to fall back asleep and not remember anything from the night before. If you have to socialize with humans on this dreadful day then do so without saying anything. Telling anyone you are hung over will lead to really loud noises and yelling for zero reason whatsoever by your friends and family who think they are hilarious. Don't complain, whine, bitch, or say anything about how much you hate drinking. We know you are going to swear it off for the next day, but believe it or not you will jump right back in the saddle the next time someone offers you a beer.

33

First Timers Guide To: LAS VEGAS

To quote the great Charles Barkley, "Las Vegas is God's gift to the universe." No truer words have ever been spoken by any man in history. If there is a God I too believe that he had an especially good day right before he touched the Earth with Las Vegas and he must visit it frequently (most likely as a Bette Middler impersonator). To contain all of the Las Vegas rules, regulations, do's, don'ts, little insider tips and tricks to not being arrested or shot would be three times the size of the Bible. Knowing the kind of people that read the Bible has left us with a good alternative to writing a 9,000 page book with color pictures, diagrams, actual information, and bail money. This is the ultra condensed (cliff notes if you will) Las Vegas rule chapter that will without a doubt save lives and keep marriages (and friendships) intact for years after your experience. Rules are different in Las Vegas and the preconceived notion by many is that there are none. There is no more catastrophic of a mindset then thinking that Las Vegas has zero rules and laws. 34

Instead of finding out with a broken nose, no thumbs, and being naked in a dumpster, we can help you out a little bit. No matter how big you think you are and how bad people tell you, you are around every corner and in every posse is someone bigger, meaner, and more badass than you. Just bring some nice dress shoes, quit trying to be a tough guy, and be ready for the time of your life. Much like after an acid trip there are only two outcomes that will surface in Vegas and that is a weary victory or a destroyed mind full of regret and shame. Reflection and mental reenactment is all that will follow either, which will shock and horrify the individual as they mentally recount all of their despicable actions from the past days. In order to get into Las Vegas (or anywhere that matters) there are rules and regulations. However, once you get past the velvet ropes of society the sky is the limit as far as behavior is concerned. You can be, do, or want anything your heart can dream up and have it within a matter of hours in Las Vegas which tends to be the undoing of men and women much stronger and more established than ourselves. Wearing nice dress shoes is mandatory. You don't need any other shoes but those while you're on this trip because "they" won't let you talk to any of the pretty girls (or guys depending on your style) without the proper footwear. The only exception to the footwear rule is if you really don't want to wear a slick pair of dress shoes or boots in 105 degree weather with shorts and a tank top then you are allowed to bring a pair of flip-flops. Believing you can get into a club or restaurant with your sneakers on and doing exactly that are two very different stories. You may be bopping around in what you think is a club that let you waltz right in with your Nikes on, but chances are it's just a restaurant with a very angry manager or host that wants to beat your face in with a centerpiece from an equally annoyed table of 35

people eating or drinking. If you believe you need a couple of different pairs of shoes in Vegas then you are sorely mistaken and don't realize what you will be doing on your weekend gambling venture. The most common places that require dress shoes are clubs, nice restaurants, certain card rooms, and strip clubs (four of the ten major groups on the pyramid of debauchery). Anywhere else you end up going in Las Vegas you will want to have your feet covered in case some disgusting liquid tries to touch your toes. Two things that need to be decided upon when in Las Vegas are will you be going full out when gambling, strip clubbing, dance machining, sports betting, and card mastering for the entire trip, or will there be prolonged periods of sitting (other than the 4 hours of sleep you will get per night or at the card table if you are lucky)? If you're going to be sitting and trying to concentrate then you need to know where you can get a very strong cup of coffee (check the coffee chapter for more specifics on how to legalize crack that flows down your throat), or where you can get some very good tea that will keep you up for hours on end (black tea anyone?). We do not condone the consumption of energy drinks just due to the fact that they don't last very long, taste like urine, and really are horrible for you. We are all about destroying yourself through experiences and decisions, but with so much already working against you, why would you put yourself in even greater danger? Coffee has been around for centuries helping people continue their questionable behavior and is proven to be good for 36

you. The second thing you will need to know where to find in a hurry is water (most specifically bottled water). The reason for bottled water is simple. People come from all over the world to gaze upon and indulge in everything that Las Vegas has to offer, and we don't want a crazy disease that our immune systems can't handle and suddenly we're bed stricken for four months because someone sneezed on a water fountain. Water is so highly priced because alcohol is so low priced, and you will need one after you have over consumed the other. Water also will help with the unbearable heat that radiates from Vegas six months out of the year which will leave you more alert, and less likely to faint in front of some pretty girls. Bad decisions and frustration usually comes from dehydration and lack of control which will get you nowhere in a heightened location such as Las Vegas. Loose lips or a short fuse will put your life in danger and ruin your good time without notice. Water also becomes a lifeline when you aren't able to leave bed because you are so hung over, and obtaining massive quantities before partaking in festivities like you are preparing for an earthquake or hurricane to strike is never a bad thing. Your safety is never guaranteed when you enter "Sin City," and as much as you would like to think you can get away with anything and everything people are constantly watching you. Vegas lets you go bigger, better, harder, and crazier for a longer period of time due to the bars being open all night and day, however, this also tends to have you experience the extreme highs and lows at any point and time. Our suggestion is to schedule at least one day of recuperation after you escape the clutches of the beast. On the sobering cab ride back to the airport you may feel better and ready to enter the real world once again, but this illusion will have you crashing down to earth the minute you try to slip singles into your co-worker's apron or try to put 37

twenty on red in the elevator up to the office. Detox, catch up on what the real world has dealt with the past few days and enjoy the silence of your fried brain. *Many things in this chapter are full chapters later in the book. We are fully aware that something mentioned may slightly cross over, so for the sake of space and your time we have done a broad overview of Las Vegas which was the single inspiration for this book from the beginning. It is an important part of our lives and we feel it deserves some credit for everything it has spawned. Enjoy.

38

First Timers Guide To: GAMBLING

Gambling can be the cornerstone to any friendship and must be honored as such. When you think of the friends you can actually stand to be around in "Sin City" or high pressure situations with money, alcohol, and women flowing for more than a day you truly start to piece together who your real friends are. These are the individuals who complete you and will be able to handle you at all hours of the day, and can put up with the worst of your personality as well as when you are at your best. Money always changes people to the extreme (good and bad), and being able to wade through the traitorous waters of your emotions makes these people great. They without a doubt hold a very special place in your heart, mind, and soul and without question will be in the wedding party when you marry a stripper at a drive thru wedding chapel. If you are rolling through a casino and see a roulette table, you must stop and take a crisp twenty dollar bill out of your pocket and wait for the table dealer to give 39

you your chips and then place those chips on red. "Twenty on red!" is what you will proclaim as the wheel spins and you inevitably receive your fate. With any luck you walk away twenty dollars richer than you were minutes earlier and you keep on moving. Sticking around to continue your luck and eventually have to reach back into your pocket to feed the streak will end in disaster. The reason you only put down a single Andrew Jackson is because there isn't any real harm done if you win or lose twenty bones at the table. In hindsight that isn't going to be what makes or breaks your trip so starting off with a small victory or unnoticeable loss can take the edge off of a long sobering plane ride. This may seem a bit spontaneous to simply bet a twenty spot without any warning, but in order to fully grasp what it is to gamble you must take quick calculated risks such as this (we also saw it on a television show once and it looked really cool). Putting money on anything is a quick way to make it way more entertaining. Alcohol has a similar effect, but it's harder to get around after you've been drinking all morning instead of playing Omaha Hi/Lo before you have to head to work. Put a dollar to one thousand down on anything that isn't pre determined, because minus the tears of joy or sadness the reaction is going to be exactly the same and the rush is only paralleled by base jumping, cheating death, or kissing a man-eating shark. Stuck at the zoo? Turtle racing just became the main exhibit. Name your turtle and watch him or her slowly crawl to victory as you and your buddy try to keep pace with your girlfriend's throughout the day. Money creates the most amazing memory trigger 40

that will allow an individual to remember meaningless stats from a game years prior at the drop of a hat. Emotions will run high as they rehash the last second play that lost or won them their money on a lonely night in Vegas, and you have to let it run its course in order for the suppressed anger to completely pass and order to be restored. This often will be followed by a reflection period of five or more minutes, but it moves by quickly and eventually they return to their normal state of mind. In that reflective period they are pondering the greatness of if that player that lost them their bet had never been born, were hit by a truck, stabbed in the heart with a rusty spoon, or what kind of conspiracy let that play develop, and countless other scenarios that make what just happen not what just happened. Sports betting is a billion dollar industry that runs on emotions, future college funds, and home mortgages. If you want to remember everything about a game, put some money on it. Suddenly every free throw is crucial and you remember every turnover and missed shot as twenty-something-year olds decide whether or not you can make rent this month or are buying drinks for everyone at the bar. Losing all your money is bad when you're young and could possibly lead to a problem in the future, however, you must remember that money comes and goes but betting when you have responsibilities is incredibly stupid. Having to wait for Friday before you buy your next burrito may be juvenile, but if you have a family who has the lights turned off in your house because some kicker missed a chip shot to cover the two-point spread then you look like a scum bag and will be blamed for everything terrible that happens or doesn't 41

happen to your family forever without fail. Keep it in moderation and remember that you are an adult for the most part, until you win big then dance around as if you just won the Super Bowl (when in actuality you were betting on WNBA summer league games). Betting on ponies and puppies is an art form, but if you slept through handicapping class then our suggestion is to pick a name you like and ride that filly until it has no legs. Nobody can honestly tell you how to pick a winner and be right (why would a master handicapper or magician share their secrets?) so this leads to any type of selection process your mind can conjure up. Betting on a long shot is advised here because you get the satisfaction of being the only one who saw its "hidden potential" and the payout is usually huge. Grab one of the newspapers or magazines with the horse lines in it and pull out your pencil or pen. This will make you look prepared and as if you are a seasoned professional when in actuality you are drawing stick figures and reading the paper for the actual articles. Never tell anyone this is your first time betting at the track or sports book and just be ready to look good when you win. Things to mention when others without fail ask you for advice is to point to a horse on their sheet and tell them they were running very well in the third race yesterday, and that they have been looking good in warm-ups today, and you believe that they will continue to have a strong showing in their race today. We don't know what that means, we know you don't know what that means, but if you say it authoritatively and as if you are feeding them some insider information on the slide then you can fool anyone who is as clueless as yourself. 42

Nobody who is going to bet any significant amount of money is asking your opinion, so lie your face off and make a new friend. You aren't going to guess right very often, so being able to get in a quick victory dance while you beam with pride about your 70/1 winning pick of a horse that was going to be glue in a matter of hours prior to the race is priceless. The holidays roll around and you decide that you need some extra cash. You come to the realization that betting your niece her allowance is the perfect solution to your problem and that "go fish" is going to be your game of choice. This all seems too easy until you learn that your niece is a dynamite card shark and has just tricked you into playing a game of "crazy eights" with serious financial implications. Halfway through you realize you are never going to be able to beat her to win back even a fraction of you money and you throw your cards into the air and claim foul play. Remember that conspiracy is always better than defeat no matter the circumstances. As you stomp off just verbally come to a one-sided agreement that it was a tie and never speak of it again. This also applies to grandparents, because they may be looking for a weak link in the family to fund their shrinking Social Security with quick cash from a grandchild. Age has no bearing on their decision to pick out a straggler with cash in hand and inhibitions down. They may seem sweet, but they have lived long enough to know that cash is instant but blood is forever and you will eventually forgive them for taking you for a dime at the family reunion or Thanksgiving. Chances are any game you think you've mastered is one in which they have played for centuries while being on the lookout for 43

dinosaurs, and possibly have busted out some of the greatest card players in history on a routine squeeze. They've forgotten more strategy for that particular game then you will ever know and that snide grin when you bring up poker, blackjack, or any other game for that manner at the dinner table takes them back to when they were without a doubt champions of the world at it. If you have to play cards, any poker game will do. Blackjack is for everyone, but poker is for the skilled cards man. Omaha, seven card stud, two-seven lowball, and five card stud should keep you busy as you learn new games and adapt to the specific strategies for each game. As a rule of thumb, go fish, crazy eights, spit, speed, or spoons can become legendary if their is a financial incentive, so there should be no hesitation to throw down a five spot on a round amongst friends. Playing house games are a great way to hang out with your friends, socialize, harass each other, and only spend a small amount of money in an evening (unless someone takes it too seriously). Your significant other may dislike the idea of you spending multiple hours away from them on a weekday while they sit and suffer through another episode of "Gray's Anatomy" or "Lost," but this serves an important purpose in a gambler's life. If you aren't able to make the yearly or bi-yearly pilgrimage to Las Vegas in order to rid yourself of a chunk of money and the gambling bug, then this is a great replacement. Just remind those who despise your weekly gambling fix that you could just as easily quit your job and spend your time and money learning to actually be a professional gambler one hundred dollars per hand. Gently remind them that in that span of five 44

hours playing cards and drinking warm beer you could have been doing a lot worse things with your time. Trust us, we have (and it always ends horribly). Online gambling can really become a drain on your life, which puts bad online gamblers in the same category as World of Warcraft players, show dog breeders, and professional badminton players. Long hours online without human connection or interaction as you incessantly harass a teenager in the card room chat room while taking his allowance money with an aggressive play isn't a good thing when Las Vegas can be the ticket once a year. You blow into town, grab a cheap hotel room, case of beer and suddenly it's two days later and you've blown through $400 because you were trying to ride out a run of cold cards. You don't remember any of your drunken nights and you end up with only one of your shoes passed out in a completely different casino with night club stamps up and down your arm like a sleeve of multicolored cartoonish tattoos. If you are terrible at gambling, this should be your once a year reminder that you can't do it like the guys on television. Much like I know I won't be able to play in the NBA no matter how many free throws I make by myself at the playground next to my house. You will never be able to see the other player's cards, and you will be happier as soon as you realize your relationship with gambling. The number one rule in gambling has been, and will forever be "the house always wins." Being scientists of gambling (and by scientists we mean we were wearing lab coats, pants, and had on closed toe shoes) we decided to push the envelope with this and attempt to "beat the 45

house." Armed with good beer, cigarettes, a Bette Midler chest shake each for luck, and a pregnant Mariah Carey impersonator belting out tunes on the main stage we felt we could once and for all bring down the house. Theorizing that if you play long enough that the money will eventually even out is a brilliant cover up for lost fortunes and blown dreams that pass through Las Vegas every hour on the hour without fail(or with fail as it just so happens to be). The longer you play the more you will lose, and the only way to truly beat the house is to get up early and cash out as fast as humanly possible. The rush of winning and odds defying accomplishments only fuel the downward spiral until all you have left are dreams, tears, hopes, memories, and a pile of empty beer bottles in front of you. As you blow a farewell kiss to Mrs. Midler (she lets us call her Bette) you just reflect on what could have been if you had just simply walked away when you hit that first big win. Another victim, another day, anther dollar wasted away.

46

First Timers Guide To: FACIAL HAIR

The face is the first thing that someone sees when they meet you or are stalking you from across the room, and having the right facial hair for men can be crucial to looking like the most interesting man in the world rather than an ax murderer. If you believe that your beard makes you look rugged, then fine because you must need to hide part of your face for some strange reason, but you need to remember that ladies don't always take to beard the way you might think. Much like an NBA championship you can't have just one great beard and be a terrible person. Being well rounded is the key to any victory in life. But if you have to go with rugged, then rugged it is. Clean shaven is really the true safety net when it comes to facial hair or no facial hair (as the case may be), but if you just need a little something extra to make sure you don't look like a baby sea lion without any chin definition there are ways to 47

accomplish that. A mustache can be an effective way to send a message about you as an individual. A basic mustache out of a 70s porno flick lets people know that you don't really know what you are doing, but that you needed to make a slight change and inserting a lip warmer was what you came up with. Appearance is only half of the equation when it comes to being a complete human being, and handcuffing yourself with a two inch hairy caterpillar speed bump will only make your overall completeness more difficult to obtain. Who needs to change part of their personality or better themselves as a person when you can boycott shaving for a couple of days and voila! Brand new person. This is incredibly creepy and no doubt in five years you will look back and realize why no woman dated you during your Magnum P.I. phase, but fortunately some simple steps could have improved that shady lip rug into a glorious masterpiece of facial hair art. If you are incredibly attached to your 'stache then growing a chinstrap and connecting them all together into a fantastic beard will complete the facial trifecta. This beard covers the key parts of your face and can be a very nice look for those not in a corporate setting. However, if you are running a company or have a very important job that involves suits, loafers, meetings, mayonnaise and cheese sandwiches, work related comic strips, coffee, laughing at boss jokes, cubicles, water cooler zingers, and everything else professional then keeping your facial hair trimmed and shaped is fine. Having a very thin beard that just accents your face can be a sign of sophistication and grace rather than looking 48

like a lumber jack in a business suit who enjoys eating at fine dining establishments with clients. The Fu Man Chu or "handlebar" mustache is a rare but very stylish 'stashe if you have a pre-existing mullet, are a police officer, ride a motorcycle, or are a burly individual who doesn't take crap from anybody at any time no matter what. Normally dark facial hair works best for this style, but if you have a blonde handlebar mustache then you have achieved what we have affectionately named, the "white wonder 'stashe." Only respect can be earned from this rare feat with the giving of gifts and paintings of your gloriousness produced. For the most part these blonde mustaches disappear into the black hole that is your face with their light color and wispiness; they must take fuller form and really make themselves noticed in order for the greatness to be authorized. An excellent rule of thumb for growing facial hair though is "if you fit a profile, it might be wise to shave." Soul patches have never been in style or ever looked good on anyone ever for that matter. This is especially true for middle aged men, but for a young lad with minimal facial hair growing experience this is a bad mark to have on your beard resume at any point in your life. A goatee is fine, and a soul patch can creep into a goatee to give it more substance, but never leave the soul patch stranded on its own. Sideburns are like Corvettes, they always look better when someone else has them. Having sideburns just leaves people to believe that you were either too lazy to grow the rest of your beard or you aren't able to in the first place. This then will often spark awkward glaring and questions that really don't need to 49

be asked. Mutton chops on the other hand can be great for those with a face that needs to be made more interesting without ruining your life with the always classy facial tattoo. Thick well grown chops can fit with a specific look or if the look you are going for is "I'm amazing" then this can be true as well. Most mutton chop accessories include bagpipes, kilts, beach cruisers, tattoos, wooly mammoths, beer bellies, converse shoes, cut off shorts, Buddy Holly glasses, irony, 40s, and tattoos. Size comes into play when growing facial hair in society. If I am a five-foot, eight-inch man who weighs one hundred and forty pounds I clearly can't get away with what a six-foot-three man who is two hundred pounds of beef and brawn can. Sideburns work on large men, as do Fu Man Chu's (well really anything they want to do is fine if they are big enough). This may seem complicated, but a beard that covers more than the appropriate amount of face (Baron Davis is a great example) becomes the things that legends are made of. When the history of beards is written there will be a clear cut section for those with enormous bears that span more than half of a person's face, giving them a chance to claim the "Lombeardi Trophy" for beard excellence for the year or the "Lifetime Abeardment Award" for outstanding beard careers in beards and facial hair related work. When you think of all of the great beardanthropists of all time you must look at their entire body (or beard) of work. Simply having a well trimmed, mustache or beard isn't enough to get you inducted into the hall. Giving back to the community is what sets apart the 50

novice beard growers from the men, and this includes going into inner cities and spreading the word about facial hair appreciation and abuse, going into third world countries and exchanging methods and information about hair growing and shaping techniques, and working with children in schools regarding the proper grooming and growth to be successful in a fast paced facial hair centric society. ZZ Top enters this realm as does Mark Twain. Notable entrants also include Bill Walton, Grizzly Adams, Abraham Lincoln, Chuck Norris, Rip Van Winkle and Santa Claus.

51

First Timers Guide To: COFFEE

You wake up and before you can start doing your epic work for the day you need a boost. Not a "fem boost" or a shot of protein in a brightly colored smoothie; energy drinks make your heart skip and you don't want to die in nine months; tea just is weak water with flavoring, and a soda wears off in an hour. What you need is some coffee. Coffee is one of the major food groups, according to the research done by this book. Well, let us rephrase that. It is a lifesaver, and we want a lifesaver to be one of our main food groups. If Jesus is among us we believe he would be a strong cup of joe. Coffee is the only substance that has kept us collectively from not being fired, increased our production, motivated us to write, allowing us to drink longer into the day, and meet really cute girls all in one cup. Most just roll right up to whatever coffee shop is 52

familiar and rattle off an order sounding like "medium double cafe mocha with whipped cream and low fat milk." Some are now lost in this double speak language that just was written, and others are slightly nodding thinking that would be a delicious drink to have in the morning with a berry scone or possibly a donut. Wrong, wrong, wrong. There is nothing incorrect with that order, besides the "cafe" part technically. Cafe means milk in Italian; therefore, you wouldn't say whisky sour with whisky. This is usually not the order a man gives when he gets a specialty drink (we have worked in coffee shops for years and have done the research). This drink needs to get out of the suburbs and hit the streets, roadhouse a few other beverages and then when its coffee muscles are comparable to 22s then the coffee journey is on the right path to wholeness. A specialty drink from a coffee shop may taste great but there is a real science to choosing what to order. You can tell me it's for your girlfriend, but you don't need to lie to me. I know that vanilla latte is yours. Caramel is delicious, but it shouldn't be in any part of your order. I'm not impressed by how many extra shots of espresso you are putting into a caramel white mocha, it doesn't make it any more butch than if you asked for extra whipped cream with sprinkles and a unicorn holding hands with a frog price design on the lid. When it comes to the milk in your drink, just tell yourself it's nonfat, or do 20 knuckle pushups to offset the ten calories you were looking to dodge. Get out of your own head and order something that will give you the necessary caffeine boost rather than simply a sugar covered sugar bomb with whipped cream 53

and chocolate drizzle all blended together with a hint f coffee. Furthermore, don't tell someone you are going for coffee when you are ordering a sissy drink because really it makes you look foolish and out of place. Coffee is black and is brewed by shoving hot water through grounds to make a cup of amazingly potent liquid. What you ordered is a cup of sugar with a very slight hint of coffee with more sugar and crap piled on it in order to not taste the coffee. You also slathered the top with whipped cream so you could avoid any chance of that bitter coffee aftertaste creeping in. Diabetes is a growing issue, and you are just throwing logs into the fire. The 10 calories you were looking to downsize just got added on tenfold by all of the extra garbage you piled on the top of your drink without blinking at. By this time you are thinking we really hate coffee. On the contrary, we love coffee. And we like our coffee

54

like our women, ground up and shoved in a bag (just kidding, of course). Coffee needs to be ordered in a very specific fashion, and we are here to assist you in that. To begin you have to order a medium black coffee. This allows you to move up or down in size depending on your needs, but a medium is a good size to start with. If you love it you get a good amount of it without having to get a second cup, but if you don't like it then you are only stuck with a decent amount. Simple, yet effective. If you are in a hurry you can order a double shot of espresso. This will be quick painless and a jolt that will last as long as coffee and is a shot to the heart. It shows you enjoy quality over quantity and that you are a thoughtful sophisticated person. If anybody decides to step up and ask to why you are drinking just a double shot of espresso (or more commonly known as a "double shot") then you can make up some story about how you grew to love it in some European country (Italy or Amsterdam are two safe follow-up answers). Suddenly you are debonair, worldly, and much better than everyone else in line or waiting for the angry barista to cut the attitude and make your drink because of your globetrotting skills. Decaf is not an option when it comes to coffee, because if you want coffee but not the caffeine then drink water at home. You don't belong at a coffee shop at any point because what you ordered is useless. Much like gravity or the justice system, decaf coffee is a traditional ghost that allows acid loving mud cup drinkers to converse with caffeine starved coffee junkies without having their hearts blow up or becoming uncontrollably peppy. If you are looking to get your 55

drink "half-caff," switch to the normal human caffeine amount and get some extra work done today. No need to hamper your super human ability any longer with a weak can of spinach. Superman doesn't take any days off from being "super" so why do you think you have the right to? My guess is you haven't done half the good deeds that Clark Kent has, and he put in his vacation request months before you did so step up newbie. Order your coffee black and take a huge gulp from it. You may want room for cream but you can just pour it out or drink some so you look like someone nobody wants to mess with. Get all of the flavor profile into your brain before you dilute it with milk and sugar. Drinking it black is pretty bad ass but it's understandable if you must mix it up in order to handle this awesome beverage. If you need your coffee to give the illusion that you are still a hard ass but want it to be sweet just throw in a little pixie dust. Sugar will take the sting out of coffee but leaves the black color of the brew to continue to match your soul. Have the person behind the counter throw in two shots of espresso if you really need a kick in the pants. This is as close to rocket fuel as you can legally get, and in the end it's just water brewed through ground up beans so technically it's good for you. Never under any circumstances say, "thanks a latte!" to the attractive cashier because she hears that from stupid people 90 times a day. If she smiles, laughs and claims to have never heard that before, she is a stone cold liar. Marry her on the spot or take her to Las Vegas because she has ice in her veins and will tell you exactly what you want to hear. If you want to fill the dead air time between ordering and getting your drink then 56

simply yawn or smile. It's early in the morning and nobody wants to make small talk (even at 11am). If they do, they clearly need more going on in their lives than doing meth, making coffee, and getting horrible tattoos. This does however, change when you get to your table or meet up with a friend, because coffee shops are notorious for being meeting places for discussion and gatherings. The dirtiest conversations can be deemed classy and quaint if done over a cappuccino and biscotti. If kept in hushed voices individuals can talk about the vilest acts ever committed by each other and look trendy and sophisticated at the same time. After the initial exchange, order, and tipping that nice cashier a dollar simply walk away because there is no smooth way to hit on a coffee cashier or barista (for that matter). This is a proven fact. Better off winking at a bartender, making out with your boss' daughter, wife, or mistress, or trying to get a female police officer's phone number when you get pulled over. The beginning of this short film may begin in many different ways but the ending is always a man with tears welling up in his eyes with a bruised ego and still no clue to what went wrong in the plan. A coffee cup (thanks to Starbucks) is now a socioeconomic identification mark. You might as well have "yuppie" tattooed across your forehead if you make sure to have your clear cup with extra blended diabetes that will inevitably end up on a Dateline NBC episode investigating obesity every single morning. However, if you have a coffee cup in your hand, your demeanor instantly changes. Much like wearing a suit, important things are going to happen today because you are being fueled for success by whatever is in your cup. We can't 57

see what it is, so it could be coffee, beer, baby rhinoceros blood, ram urine, vodka, water, acorn juice, children's tears, or even applesauce filled to the brim. You become edgier, trendy, and most importantly dependent on a substance that will do nothing but let you down when you drink coffee or an espresso based beverage. You are drinking the equivalent of the exboyfriend or girlfriend who you still aren't over two years after you have broken up because they just don't understand what love is. Always a pain, and you can never quit them without a week of migraines and aspirin. This legal drug will now have you by the mind and you can simply add it to the list of bad habits to kick in your life. Cheers!

58

First Timers Guide To: STRIP CLUBS

It's a natural curiosity when you come of age to try everything you weren't allowed to legally beforehand. Strip clubs are usually at the top of that list, but must be approached with caution. There are a lot of unwritten rules that go with being at a strip club, and we will help guide you through so you don't end up being tossed on your butt by security. First off, you need to know what you are looking for in your visit. If you just want to see some boobs then you should head straight for a seat at the main stage and ride the rail for the rest of the night (not a sexual innuendo). A fist full of singles will get you a couple of hours of shaking and dancing with a couple of double digit dollar drinks rounding out your afternoon at under $50. Consider that a victory in itself and celebrate by eating whatever free buffet is being offered and washing the glitter off of your entire body when you return home. If you just have to have a lap dance (and goodness knows you do) then you want table service. This means that you might have to pay a little extra to grease the wheels of capitalism, but to get a table you are going to need to have some swagger. 59

Chances are if you end up at a table that you are going to get the rock star treatment. Girls will come up to you, sit on your lap and giggle at everything you say while shaking it for you to enjoy and sample. This is exactly the same as a job interview or speed stripping to see what is available and can be one of the biggest mistakes made. Being over stimulated, nervous, and flush with cash will cause many men to bite at the first offer. Just get comfortable and chat up a few young ladies before you settle in for some grinding. Don't jump at the first opportunity for a private dance. They tend to be overpriced and unless you're looking to shell out the big bucks or your bill is getting picked up my your buddy, you aren't getting a whole lot extra. Feel out the cheaper dances (not literally) when you get to your table. You, your friends, and anyone who is looking in your table's direction can enjoy the lovely lady grinding topless on you or your buddies' lap, and if one of them steals your breath away maybe you'll be intoxicated enough to create some regrets to not remember in the morning. Glitter can be the roadmap to guilt in the morning, and a word of caution goes out to anyone who chooses the stripper covered in glitter. You may believe you can brush it off in the drunken limo ride home, or scrape it off in the shower at ungodly hours of the night when you get back from your stripper pilgrimage, but chances are you will need a crafty alibi in order to explain it at your 9 a.m. meeting the next morning when you cheek looks like a disco ball and blinds a room full of board members and trustees. Another key is to know your budget. Unlike the real world, strip clubs have magic ATMs that allow for the withdrawing of funds you may have never had to begin with. This leads to a nasty surprise phone call from your bank in the morning asking why your account was overdrawn by $600 at the Boobie Barn, 60

thus ruining your magical experience and god forbid your girlfriend or wife answers that phone call. Preset your "strip club allowance" as to not ruin your night when you are forced to walk on the freeway because you don't have enough cash to grab a cab home. Seeing some women naked and dancing on stage is great, but there has to be a limit to the madness at some point. When you eventually double and triple dip into the ATM is when you must throw on the brakes and reevaluate your priorities. Clearly you have temporarily lost your mind, so taking a back seat and just sitting out for a couple of songs would be the best move for everybody involved. You're rushed to a table with your crew; you order a terrible $12 jack and coke or beer and the ladies see a pelt that they need on their wall. When a stripper approaches you (and when we say approach we mean sits on your lap) do not feel embarrassed, shy, or surprised. Confidence makes the transaction go much more smoothly and you will have a better time if you focus on the girl in your lap rather than your new sketchy surroundings. Always remember that this is a business transaction and that you getting emotionally involved is really what fuels this business. A giggle or blowing in your ear and you become putty in the palm of their stripper hand. A private dance will run you around $140, but a lap dance is only $20 and in these economically challenging times you may want to get more bang for your buck. Remember, if one is good then five is better and who doesn't love to share with the table? At this point you have slid your crisp twenty dollar bill into your chosen stripper's g-string and have gotten your first lap dance. Congratulations. Now comes round two and the questions just pour out from these girls. Once you have essentially opened yourself up for business the other strippers notice this and will try to be your next dance. You will instantly become witty, 61

hilarious, sweet, generous, or a bad boy depending on how you answer the barrage of questions being whispered so sexily into your ear. Without fail everything you say is funny and you can truly do no wrong because you are an incredibly interesting individual. At this point it doesn't matter what you tell these girls about yourself because they will know exactly where you are from after you tell them and will be able to relate to any story you can concoct. Taking your money is these girl's jobs, so lie your face off, come up with lame stories and don't try to impress anyone. You are at the club for one reason and one reason only, and that is to see some boobs. Some statistics that may assist you in your quest for strip club enjoyment are as follows (granted these aren't exact but very close as far as our data is concerned): -Every seven seconds a stripper is fallen in love with. You and your buddies will go in with a picture of your girlfriend or wife in your wallets, but once you cross through that velvet rope you are going to be entranced by anything in high heels without a top on. This is a common mistake, and will happen to at least one group member (usually after the drinks start flowing). -99% of the girls actually stripping are not going to college. This is a huge misconception within the non-stripping community, but if it makes you feel any better you can tell yourself those seven lap dances you had during lunch on that random Tuesday helped 62

put some young ladies through college. If you are in disbelief of this stat and need proof rather than wearing a nice shirt and tie, sport a t-shirt with a funny saying on it and allow the magic to unfold. -If you wear a tie to a strip club you will get 75% more attention while getting a dance. This seems off because they are dancing on you, but if you want them to use the tie in their dance then you can't go wrong with wearing one. Seems illogical? It is, but it is a known fact that strippers love ties and not only will you look important but it will be played with to your advantage the entire night. -One of the beers on every beer selection list is non alcoholic, and it won't be St. Pauli's Girl either. This can lead to a night killer when four Becks in, you realize you've been drinking the equivalent of a cherry coke. For $12 you want the real thing, and so make sure you get a beer that has no chance at being a dud and stick with what you know. A mixed drink will always get you the results you want, but if you don't like crummy mixed drinks the choice should be a familiar one. Upon exiting the fine establishment, keep your wits about you. The surge of adrenaline is dwindling and you're about to crash. The last thing you want is to pass out in the cab and awaken on the couch of a sleazy cabby recommended "massage parlor" where they glove up and use way too much Jergins lotion. The strip club is a place where great things are possible and good times are to be had by everyone. Who doesn't love the distinct smell of cigar smoke in a dimly lit room while a Motley Crew song blares from the club speakers? The last rule of the strip club is that you can't bring these ladies home. No matter 63

what outlandish story your friend has told you or corner of your imagination you conjure this notion up IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. They are to be seen and not touched, and albeit hard to believe respect is what they deserve. *Footnote: If your buddy passes out in the cab, ask where a good massage parlor is to drop him off. The cabby always knows exactly what you need.

64

First Timers Guide To: PICKUP LINES

Pickup lines are simply for the weak minded who can't form a sentence to save their lives. If "baby" is the first word coming out of your mouth followed by some sexist line you think will flatter a woman, then this is the chapter for you. However, ladies, if you throw a line a guy's way he will most likely bite and be yours forever. If he turns it down, he is either taken or gay. Any attention from an attractive woman will instantly boost his confidence making him untouchable from any of life's mean curve balls that will be thrown his way the next few hours. You don't want to look like a jerk for turning down a hot girl, and if we are being honest this probably never happens to you so don't kid yourself and enjoy this double rainbow unicorn time while it lasts. We have truly witnessed a growing abusive relationship with pickup lines, most specifically in coffee shops, on 65

the streets, and in bars, so we are here to help with a smoother approach. Seeing as pickup lines are just plain stupid for the most part, we suggest a counter to pickup lines. If you are at a bar or in a situation in which you are sitting or standing near your intended target, shoot out a compliment. Compliments are great because even if you get turned down you have made someone's day a little less terrible without looking like a sleaze bag. If you can buy the person you complimented a drink of some kind (examples include: coffee, tea, alcoholic beverages, or a smoothie), you can open yourself a 10 minute window or so. As long as she isn't a heartless troll this will open up the floor for at least a couple of minutes of conversation while sitting down, which is just enough time to let her see how nice of a person you really are(or can pretend to be for that small window of time). Come in with a game plan and things to say, but don't completely monopolize the conversation. If you are trying too hard to sell yourself she will notice, and if you don't let her participate in the conversation she won't have invested anything into this once blossoming relationship. Keep things lighthearted and stay confident, but with a touch of humor. Play to your strengths, and when all else fails compliments are king. Tattoos can be a huge tell when it comes to gauging immediate interest. For instance, out of the corner of your eye you see that your target has a forearm tattoo or something on their back that is slightly visible. Make an innocent comment about it to them without sounding like you've done guest appearances on "To Catch a Predator." This will show that you notice little things and 66

that you can be thoughtful, but mostly this is the way to tell if you are going to have a shot at getting to know them better. Chances are if they have a tattoo they have more of them or want more of them in the future and the conversation can grow from there. If they really have any interest in you whatsoever, playfulness should ensue. If you get the brush off, they're clearly gay or happily married so don't think twice about it. Bar full of attractive ladies, you pinch yourself but you're still awake. You see one at the bar with an empty drink and you ask, "Can I buy you a drink?" Boom! You think you've slipped in right at the perfect time with a well-delivered line that is going to land you the results you want, but she turns and walks away declining your offer or she takes it and walks away. As you rip out your hair with a face that turned bright red you now are the victim of the "rookie move." Clearly she isn't looking just for free drinks or just wanted one before she went home to her husband or boyfriend so you dodged a really expensive bullet, but the approach wasn't correct overall. You have potential, but potential just got you rejected. Shoot for a lonely bar patron with a quarter of her drink left and chat her up. Talking with her allows for you to open up, she is getting to know a little bit about you to be comfortable and allow you to continue to sit next to her. This is the key time for you can initiate the drink buying line. This is the difference between getting a smile from a person who you know and a smile from the shady creeper in the corner that just stares and never says a word. He may be a sweet, great, thoughtful guy but having zero information or connection makes him an instant threat to your good time. Therefore, engaging and 67

at least letting her hear what your voice sounds like and what your mannerisms are will go a long way to being accepted. Always remember that close only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades, and you don't want to get blown up in front of your boys. Realizing that this chapter doesn't really help at all in continuing the conversation after you have inevitably broken the ice, here are a few ways to move forward after you are seated and can interact. First move we would make would be to of course give a compliment, and after she accepts it ask a very pointed question. "Do you come here often?" is a great way to get her talking and she may mention that she comes to that particular location after work, school, the gym, or any other activity which will allow you to jump on that subject and start conversing on a more intimate level. Mentioning that you've always wanted to get to know her better can be a big move if you see her and she recognizes you from time to time but you never further the contact (until now). Taking an interest is never a losing proposition, and our last tip plays to that in the aspect of you need to pay attention to your surroundings. If she is wearing a sports shirt ask her about it, if she is wearing a something that is from a specific location ask her about it, if you give a compliment and she specifies a geographical location (say from where her earrings are from) then jump on it and see if she has ever been to visit that place. Working from scratch is incredibly tricky, but using everything to your advantage (no matter how small or obvious) can really aide you in making a real connection. If all of this is too much for you to handle and you 68

need to escape back into your bubble every time something transpires then this last section is going to be for the shy kids who can't deal with the real world. Making bold moves really is difficult (sober), but the fact of the matter is if you don't believe you can do it then chances are you won't. This last move has a name, and it's affectionately called, "the walk away." Very popular also in bowling, it can be described as "mysterious stranger," or as Hollywood has coined it "secret admirer." All are correct and it doesn't really matter what you call it as long as you execute it correctly. Normally this will take a little bit of planning or some extreme luck on your part where either you take advantage of a situation that presents itself or you can predict the future to what will happen for you to pull off your move. Coffee shops that have a drive thru are the absolute best for these or a coffee shop where someone is a known and a very recognizable regular customer. This is the equivalent to buying someone across the bar a drink or sending drinks to a table, but at a coffee shop the setup is a little bit different. Essentially what will need to happen is you will need to without any indication to the intended recipient, pay for his or her drink and just leave it at that. No credit is initially taken by you for this chivalrous deed. The following days will be full of wonder and fantasies about the mystery man who bought her drink without even being there. The key to all of this is the tip that will entice the employee to make the transaction possible. If you pay for your drink, her drink, and then let them keep the excess change will normally get the deal done. If you are at a drive thru stand then 69

telling the cashier you want to also pay for the drink in whatever car she is driving will go a long way to scoring points. Trust us, this works also if you are in a relationship and want to do something indirectly awesome for your significant other. When you are inevitably approached at a later time and asked if you were the amazingly thoughtful person who made her day really great, play it off like you just wanted to do something nice for her. She will appreciate it and you will forever be in her memory. Asking more questions about her and putting the spotlight a little bit more in her direction will let her see that instead of a flash of testosterone something drew you to her that was more than your junk. Who likes to get a compliment and then spend the next twenty minutes listening to how much someone works out or loves the Lakers? Notice little things like the book she is holding or her smile. Pickup lines are truly the lowest form of appreciation, but a constructive approach to a target can be a very successful one that allows for whatever results are desired. Give her your debonair stare as you listen to absolutely nothing she says while your eyes give only the impression that you are soaking up and taking in every single word. You realized a half hour ago that this girl really is into ponies and saving orphans in Canada and you need to get out. As important as the proper pickup line is the wing woman/man to come and save you after a line has worked is equally as important. Once you find that you just can't deal with her sunshine and ponies for everybody stance, then grab her number, take off for the door, and never call her again. You will need to find a new place to get your coffee 70

from in the morning, but that is a very small price to pay for an awkward encounter every single morning.

71

First Timers Guide To: PARTY ETIQUETTE

If your posse doesn't want to roll to the bars to get your drink on or you aren't of age yet a party is the best way to get smashed, belt out some tunes, catch up with your people, and really have a good time that you won't remember. Parties are great because you never really can tell where the night will take you. A bar is incredibly predictable, expensive, full of dudes, and lame at times, but a party gives you the opportunity to reach the extreme highs and lows of drinking and entertainment within a couple of hours without fail. Everything from making out with the girl you have a crush on, being punched in the face by a midget, to blacking out and being carried by a large tattooed man you've never met in a suit are all possibilities. Being put in charge of recruiting for the party or spreading the word is a key job to an epic night. Building your party hyping equity takes time and experience, but one way to get right to the top of the party list is to throw memorable bashes that start 72

low key but end in triumph. Don't tell people you are having a kickback. This is a dumb word made up by college kids that refers to having twenty-five or less people at your party. Instead say "shindig, "small get together," "soiree," or "party." This way you don't sound like you are ten years old and having people over for a soda pop and a jump house (which can make for awesome day drinking party entertainment). Overselling the party is also a huge misstep in the days leading up to the extravaganza, because when expectations are high there tends to be a letdown the morning after and this can be brought about by bringing up moments from the last party you hosted in which everyone had an amazing time and got laid at. Each party is its own beautiful entity much like a snowflake; two are never exactly the same. Like in life, you must lower your standards to not be let down when things take a turn for the worse or the police show up at 8:30 p.m. to break up a budding party with drink loads of potential. Never be the first person to the party. You didn't have anything better to do when you got off work so you had to rush right over to make sure there were enough chips, dip, and beer? The party will be fine until you arrive in an hour or so. Also, don't be the first one drunk. This looks bad when you are tanked by 6 p.m. and people start talking in hushed voices to see who has the phone number to a rehabilitation facility. You never look as cool as you think you do and people are usually trying to hide their laughter at everything you do as the night progresses. When you've had four to five drinks it's completely acceptable to inform fellow party goers that you're the most attractive person in the room and continue to inform them of this every seven to ten minutes. The louder you become with your attractiveness facts, the truer they will be. If people laugh or roll their eyes at you, it simply means they agree and are jealous of 73

your handsomeness. Take it as a compliment and continue to explain why it is you are so much better looking than everyone else in greater detail and in an even louder voice. Use specific examples if at all possible. Have a flask at the ready for the party situation that you aren't bringing your own booze to. Taking four or five shots from your hip isn't nearly as horrendous as drinking a cup or two of mystery jungle juice that could be full of rufies. Fill your flask with vodka if you need to mix your hard alcohol, or come prepared with tequila for just straight shots to sloshedville. Getting drunk on your own dime is way safer than puking red punch all over your friend's carpet, couch, girlfriend, cat, and television. For all you high maintenance partygoers who just can't stomach plastic container alcohol from your nearest bulk store, then the flask truly is going to save you. You can slug down your Grey Goose or Patron without having to worry about being extra hung over because your liver isn't used to 180 proof or grain alcohol. If your body decides that youve had too much to drink and it will be shutting down for the evening (more often than not on a couch or floor somewhere) then remove your shoes before the crash landing. Leaving your shoes on your feet is code for everyone to draw and write on your face in black marker. Balls, words, and shafts are the most common subject matter found on passed out individuals (with the ever so clever penis behind the ear so they cant see it in the mirror). If this person has to go to work in the morning then this is a rude awakening when they squint to open their eyes and find themselves a completely different color than the one they passed out as. Heavy scrubbing and raw skin is what comes from passing out, but always make sure to check every inch of your body for drawings. You never know where someone might have inked a rogue genital. 74

Believe it or not, being over 21 and at a high school party just isn't as cool as you think. You will undoubtedly be the one going on the beer runs, and the fact that people your age don't want to party with you should be a real red flag when you reflect on your life later in the night. Just remember how creepy saying this will sound, "I keep getting older, and they stay the same." Chris Hanson will inevitably be waiting to pop out from behind a kitchen counter in your near future if you continue down this road. When you end up in jail for hitting on someone's sixteen year old daughter at a party or function and they lock you up with real men is when this will truly sink in. The best alternative to partying with younger people is to read a book, go for a bike ride, find a hobby, learn to cook, or spend time with your family. Chances are you need to grow up or spend time making yourself into a better person so that you don't end up drinking with teenagers again. It's O.K. to break a glass, spill a beer, or even destroy all ties of friendship with an individual as long as "that song really gets you going!" Bumpin' n' grindin' with your best bro isn't gay if neither of you remember in the morning. If the bathroom line appears to not be moving and it is an "emergency," other outlets such as sinks, trash cans, potted plants, and porch railings are all acceptable receptacles for releving yourself. Obstables to keep a watchful eye out for are police officers, parents, teachers, bosses, political figures, and anyone who is in possession of a knife, gun, shiv, bat, tire iron, or ice pick. As always, all surfacing photos to come up in the next few weeks were obviously doctored in Photoshop, and not even that well, we might add. Remember that people can't tell that you know the lyrics to a song unless you're screaming them in their face, doing tricks with the microphone, dancing a choreographed number to each specific tune, and pointing to the ladies you want at that particular time in the 75

crowd.. The more off key and random "whooos" you throw in there, the more they'll know you're legit. By singing and dancing for hours at the party you are essentially flexing your musical muscles and giving the people what they want. Cheers!

76

First Timers Guide To: TIPPING

In writing this chapter we thought about all of the crappy jobs that we've held in the past, and how often an extra dollar or two an hour would have made it so much easier to deal with horrible people, pay for school, rent, books, gas, and even just get up at the crack of dawn in order to open up shop. Tipping is an incredibly personal act that is really open to the public for interpretation because a lot of the time it is laid out for all to see. If you think you are just a face that will not be remembered the

next time you enter that establishment again, you are dead wrong. Jobs that rely heavily on tips breed some of the most memory driven individuals who keep files of high and low tippers in a database that can never be destroyed. We can remember customers from years past and how they tipped or

77

interacted with us which directly affected our interaction with them even to this day. If you regular a bar, always throw down extra not on the first drink, but rather on the last. Bartenders will remember a couple extra bucks and your empty seat, which will in turn have them memorize what you were drinking. We get incredibly fast service when at our usual bars even if they are busy, which makes for a great way to buy a frustrated lady a drink to make her night a little better or get drunk faster than everyone else. Friends have us order their drinks even when we're only a mere foot to the left or right of them due to our technique and history with who matters, the alcohol keepers. If you are in a bar a dollar per drink is usually the standard. If the drink ends up being on the quarter change, then usually we leave the silver and throw on an extra bill for good measure. Not always, but for the lucky drinks will become cheaper once you are a regular and tip well at a bar. We have gone nights where all of our beer has been picked up by the bartender just by chatting with him/her in a friendly manner. I leave a $10 tip under my last drink after they tell us in a friendly manner that our money is no good and we thank them and slide out the front door. Discretion is the key. But let's say you don't have that kind of luck and you pay full price and the night for you comes to an end and you get your tab. Always give the tip in cash if you can, because that is a surefire memory trigger of instant gratification for whoever is receiving it. A bar can be dimly lit and credit card stubs don't get counted and adjusted until the end of the night, so let them know right away that you appreciated your time in their bar and that you will see them soon with a cash goodbye. Your name will not always be remembered so credit cards can really be tricky and sometimes considered anonymous so cash gives facial recognition an extra point. 78

You were going to give a $5 tip for the five drinks you had, but you love this particular bar and found a couple extra singles in your pocket. That is the universe's money and go right ahead and toss that in with your five-spot. You won't be able to hit a strip club with just two dollars, and anything you can buy to eat on the way home for that kind of scratch is to be avoided so why not make a new friend on the cheap. It won't go unnoticed and your drinks will taste stronger and come faster the next time you are in the bar. Strip club tipping is the most delicate and dangerous form of tipping in the history of the world. In actuality pitch tipping is the most dangerous, but there is a good chance that nobody reading this book is going to be a major league pitcher, catcher, shortstop, second basemen, or be the runner on second so we moved to numero dos on our list. Depending on the location in which you decide to buy your coffee the chances of you getting shaken down for not tipping the barista enough or at all (as the case normally turns out to be) are extremely rare. Hitting the "appropriate tip amount" for a dance, drink, or show will lead to a meeting with security in a back room more often than not without any video cameras. If you don't tip the bartender a good amount for your $12 beer, then you will have major issues getting any alcohol at all which leads to conscious decisions and shameful reflection while getting a lap dance from a young lady who is not much older than your sister, daughter, niece, best friend, god daughter, or babysitter. The time to get cheap is not when you are paying cover at the door, dropping twenties for a song, and going into the "VIP section" for a private dance. If getting thrifty is something that youve been striving to be in your life then possibly a night away from fun and amazing might be just what the savings doctor ordered (the nurse working the main stage will not fill that specific prescription for you so 79

please do not ask her to). Overall the strip club runs on unclaimed cash transactions that feed addictions (for both customers and employees), pay rent, and put young ladies through college. Looking for anything above and beyond is simply looking for trouble, because unlike most places of business, in the strip club the customer is never right. All of this works for anywhere you eat, drink, or buy your coffee at. If you keep it friendly and don't become a dirtbag in the process you will really score points with the people who make, deliver, and serve your food or drinks. Memories instantly become better and your service is friendlier when you are not more giving, but simply aware of what you are getting or will get in return for your generosity. Realizing that an extra dollar or two could really make a persons day is really not that outlandish, which in turn will make you feel better by association. Lastly, all of these establishments run on the "trickle down effect," so don't scrimp just because you are cheap, but if someone truly isn't giving you what you need then by all means just give 15%.

80

First Timers Guide To: ORDERING A DRINK

A drink is what you want, and money plus your body is all you have to persuade a rushed, sober, hungry, irritated bartender to feed your alcohol addiction sooner rather than later. You may have a great personality but you will never be able to get the face time from a bartender for them to meet the real you and love you for it. People spend years learning specific crafts and skills, but we will give you the finer points in ones that will be useful for the rest of your life. You may never need to know certain subjects ever again (biology, physics, advanced literature, math), but knowing how to properly order a drink will serve you well until they bury you in a shallow grave in a couple hundred years in the desert. Many factors go into the situation that you are going to be in. Like being in the great outdoors, knowing your surroundings is crucial because it will speed up the process and answer any unnecessary questions by default. Much like when you are going in for a job interview, stealing a valuable diamond, or going to 81

meet your significant other's parents you must have a plan that also contains a backup plan (or escape pod if the situation calls for it). Having a drink to fall back on if the bar doesn't have your specific type of alcohol or will not make the crazy beverage you are demanding can and will create a snag in the drinking process. If they don't have what you want or run out of what you want then take whatever suggestion the bartender makes. They work with alcohol a lot more than you do and truly have your best interest at heart (big tips). If you want to change your drink to something completely different then fine, however, if you wanted a Jack and Coke, but they offer you a Jim and Coke then take it with a smile (Jim Beam is better than Jack Daniels anyways). Knowing whether you want a single or a double is very important as well because there will be fewer questions asked and less time spent not drinking. Depending on the heaviness of the bartender's hand will make the different in which you choose, and getting a single to start out the evening is never a bad idea. Always an advantage to see the trailer of a movie before you commit two hours to something lousy that will give you a headache. Look around for any drink special boards, menus, or displays in order to find out what deals are available. Often times there will be information on posters or written behind the bar that will be promoting some kind of drink that will make you look like a team player for buying what the bar wants you to buy. Being a follower in this sense is never a bad thing, and a lot of the time will save you some coin. Follow the crowd, jump off of the bridge, and enjoy whatever is slung your direction. If you don't mind looking like a douche, feel free to hoist up that two-fingered bar salute. Index and middle finger will be together as you raise your index finger to the corner of your eyebrow and in one deliberate movement point down towards 82

the bartender with a slight cock of the wrist. This usually will catch whoever is behind the bar off guard because you look like such an entitled jerk, but if you don't mind discerning looks then you are money in a large crowd or if you're sitting alone at the bar. This next move is by far the most controversial, but don't be afraid to flash some nip fellas. The ladies use their "assets" all the time to get what they want when they want it, and while a quick glimpse of your hairy chest may not brighten your bartender's night, it will get his or her attention for the effort and possibly make them vomit from the mere sight. If you aren't able to score a drink with physical moves then positioning your money is going to have to be the key. Always come into this situation with singles at the ready and never a credit card. Nothing gets attention faster than not having to make change or swipe a credit card and a readymade tip is good for all parties involved. Don't flash the entire wad as to keep the mystery alive between you two but allow for just enough dead president skin to entice the bartender to want a closer look. Much like dating, you don't want to just show all the goods and not have your partner work a little for them. Play hard to get and hope that you don't get passed over and have to wait twenty minutes for a drink or have go to another bar. Paying with a credit card is a risky move due to the fact that some bars are "cash only." You suck at doing dishes drunk and finally the time comes to pay your tab. Looks like you just lost a couple of friends and your future ex-wife as you scramble for a way to make things right with the frowning alcohol keeper. Credit cards are also not good if you are trying to buy a young lady (or older lady depending on how you roll) a drink and your card gets turned down or declined. Without warning all of that conversation equity you had built up vanishes as you pull out the laundry list of excuses to why your card has been declined. You 83

look like an incompetent boob, and the kids this woman was planning to have with you suddenly find themselves without shoes and the lights getting turned off at your white picket fenced home. She quickly moves to anyone else at the bar with a pulse or pint full of anything but water and lets you sort out the "simple misunderstanding" with the bouncer and bartender. The best reason not to use a credit card at the bars is it makes it incredibly difficult to buy a round for the entire bar when your plastic isn't in your pocket. If the bartender gives you a total of over one hundred dollars and you have to physically count out the Andrew Jacksons to make that transaction complete then you will feel the effects of what your stupid face just did. Throwing it on the card will make the surprise bill come at the end of the night when you've inevitably bought more rounds and aren't wondering how much money you don't have the next morning. Lastly, the reason you never want to bring your credit card to a bar is you will be drunk and like an idiot you will leave it at the bar. You may think this isn't a big deal because the bar will just hold it for you, but things may transpire in the night and your card may end up in the hands of the wrong person. An after work shopping spree is just what the thieving doctor ordered. A massive charge at a strip club and very generous tip to the strippers and bartender you were making fun of earlier in the night suddenly turns into the same price as a used Toyota Corolla when credit limits are tested and revenge is obtained. Eye contact is going to be a huge part of initiating the drink order, because you may only get a head nod your way or raised eyebrows if the bar is especially loud or crowded and you need to be ready for anything. Be patient and make sure you shimmy your way to where you are a head taller than the person next to you. This allows for you to be seen over anyone who is a threat to get a drink ahead of you and keep your eyes on the prize of 84

getting a drink. Lean on the bar if it isn't too crowded and show an interest in what the bartender is making for other people. If you seem like you want what they are serving you will get attention rather than someone who is frowning, talking to a friend, or looking distant or uninterested. If your voice isn't one that can be heard over a lot of noise and commotion then you better be able to exaggerate your facial expressions to mouth your order. Bartenders are bred with extremely good hearing and the ability to decipher drunken requests, but the more you can help the more they will appreciate the effort. Don't tough guy the bartender or act "too cool for school" in this situation or you will get passed up on and will be labeled as a jerk who "doesn't need to be here" (and in accordance doesn't need a drink). If they have to ask twice what you want, just answer back and nod your head. Making them look like a chump because they couldn't hear you over the house music or you just have a stupid mumbled voice can be a one way ticket to sober town. Be assertive (like you are when you are drunk off of two light beers) and step into your order. Using appropriate hand signals to signify the number of drinks that you will need made of one specific type or to motion that you would like what someone in the vicinity ordered is also appropriate. Don't whine and moan if you are passed over for some cute girl and give attitude to the bartender. Also, talking trash when you don't get your way is never a good idea. You may think the person next to you agrees but they will turn out to be dating the bartender or a good friend, and suddenly you find yourself kissing pavement with a sober brain and lifetime ban from that bar. You aren't that big of a deal, and if you are you shouldn't act like it. When you finally get your order you must always thank the bartender like they did you a huge favor (they did whether you want to believe it or not). Telling them you appreciate what 85

they did will go a long way when they have to deal with drunk people who are rude and have no respect for them or the establishment they work for. Chill out, show some nip if need be, and enjoy your drink when it comes to you. This is their job while you are out having a good time and your time will be even better if you treat your bartender with respect.

86

First Timers Guide To: WEDDINGS

Ceeeeelebrate gooood times come on! Someone you know was pressured by their family and friends to propose to whoever they have been seeing for the past couple of years. Seeing as you can buy them a gift, you are invited to celebrate this joyous occasion with them. Weddings suck, and this is by no means a secret. Going to a wedding when you are twelve is much different from going when you are over eighteen. The standards are higher, there are a lot of different steps that are expected, and most importantly there will be photographic proof of all of it. There are two types of weddings and we will cover both. They may seem the same, but they are completely different and require certain guidelines as to not bring on any embarrassment, shame, or unwanted attention. The wedding with the most to lose is the family wedding. You may think "well it's just my family, what's the big deal? They love me." They have to, that's what being part of a family is all about. That means they can ask 87

questions that nobody else in their right mind would think to ask. You are going to be expected to bring a date. You aren't twelve anymore and going with your parents will make you look like a huge loser. However, if you want to dodge the pointing, whispering, and barrage of questions that will be flying your direction, then act like you just were able to get work off and had nobody you could get on such short notice. If you do have to bring a date, bring someone whom you are dating or have a lot in common with/know a lot about, because if he/she is cute or the family seems to take a shining to them then the questions will just flow from relatives like wine into goblets. A good friend who you can joke with would be ideal for this situation because you can crack each other up as you get smashed, and have fun memories to talk about later. This is also a key time to cash in on any favors that people may owe you, therefore, they are obligated to be your escort and can't really complain all that much. Nothing says a good time like forced interaction with someone's extended family on a stressful occasion and having to pay off a debt all in one day. Make the rounds and say hello to everyone at a family wedding, because you never know the next time you will see someone (sorry to get grim in the middle of a happy chapter but it had to be done). Get chatty (normally with a drink in hand) and behave yourself. Staying at the table and allowing others to come to you is never a good idea; you want to control who you talk to and for how long. Sitting doesn't give you as easy an out as standing alone or with your date will. Allowing yourself the freedom to escape your auntie asking you when they will be getting some children out of you is the perfect cue to move to a table with your almost deaf relatives who don't know how old you are, and haven't seen you since you were in diapers. Having the flexibility to get more alcohol rather than having to wait for 88

someone to bring you a drink or to break away after someone has come over and sat (or stood) next to you is rude and tacky. Always remember that you are the future, and any drunken influence that can be passed on at a wedding will be without your permission (and often times will go into detailed instruction that you wish you didn't have ears to hear). The family wedding is not the appropriate place to be looking for a hookup. Half the people at this event may not be your family, but why take the chance on missing one of the family tree branches and hooking up with a third cousin? This is an occasion for drinking, eating, and putting in some valuable blackmail detective work or kissing up to rich relatives for when wills are being drawn up. Knowing drunken family secrets is an incredible way to score loot down the road, and knowing the correct venue in which to unearth such secrets is a key step in the process. Family is family, which means you have as much dirt on everyone else as they do you. When crazy uncle Joe threatens to tell your over bearing Christian mother that he caught you peeing and throwing up in the decorative fountain after drinking to many cosmos (please don't drink cosmos) don't be afraid to throw in his face that time he got blown in a back alley by a Vietnamese prostitute of questionable gender during that crazy trip to Reno. You may never speak again, but the general understanding and respect will be there. Exchange knowing nods, but it's safe to say you should never shake that man's hand again. Nobody really cares about what you do here as long as you keep it clean, so dance your face off, smoke a celebratory cigar, eat some amazing catered food, and drink until your heart is content, because this is a time when you are just enjoying the company of family and friends and not looking for anything more. 89

It's 3 a.m. and your buddy calls you from a pay phone (for the sake of this story they still exist). Your first reaction is, "are you in jail?" He quickly blurts out that he just proposed to his girlfriend, who you thought would have been dumped in a couple of weeks (lost another office pool), and that he is getting married. At first you let out a silent sigh and shake your head in disbelief. However, remembering you are on the phone gives you the opportunity to congratulate him without being a total jerk. You aren't going to be in the wedding party because he has so many brothers, but in all honesty you just dodged a huge bullet. No public speaking, no pictures, really you get to be a mere spectator to the devastating end of a friend. You went in on a gift rather than buying solo which instantly makes it cheaper, bigger, doesn't leave you personally responsible, and won't leave you with the reputation as a "bad gift giver." Wear a nice shirt and tie to this event with a nice jacket over it. You can go full suit if need be, but make sure you don't look better than the groomsmen, and that it is an easy ensemble to move in. Having a nice suit may be good for the ceremony, but trust us like a snake you will shed that coat like an old skin and make your way to the dance floor as soon as the DJ starts to spin or the drunk father of the bride strikes up the band. You have to believe you are an incredible dancer, and having a jacket on will only restrict the movements you are truly capable of. Drinking is essential here. If you are on a 12-step program great, there is some soda and juice available and you can make sure to take lots of pictures that are in focus, of the actual thing you intended to shoot, and not of the same thing 25 times. But for those about to rock we salute you. There's a bar but it is cash only. Shoot, this could be an issue. Luckily you brought your party flask and soda and juice are on the house. Boom! Problem 90

solved. But if you forgot your flask in your other drinking jacket, then beer is usually the most economical way to go. It lasts a long time, isn't in tiny glasses, wasn't poured by a 17 year old bartender, and will get you trashed for under $25. If you're drinking a beer and someone is buying shots and offers to buy rounds then why be that guy who is a wet blanket and turns it down? However, if given the opportunity to buy the first round amongst a manageable group, then do so. It may cost you upfront, but everybody remembers the guy who bought that first round and will feel indebted to you for the entire night. Handing you drinks and buying you shots is the only way to repay the first round buyer. However, if you wait long enough for the next round everyone will be so ripped they won't notice that you didn't buy one. This allows for you to slip out to the dance floor unnoticed and begin the epic transformation from fiscal gentleman to dance machine. The open bar can be a friend or foe. If you never drink tequila, then doing a bunch of shots in a row and chasing it with your beer may not be the best move. Order something strong, but don't look like you are raiding the bar because it's free. Stay away from any bombs, or blended drinks. A jack and coke, whiskey sour, long island iced tea, Tokyo tea (for seasoned drinkers), and vodka cranberry will get you to the place you want to be. Also, beer is a great equalizer and allows you to try some you wouldn't normally give the nod to if you were paying for yourself. Always remember to stay away from ringed fingers, respectful and mindful of your date (if you brought one), and remember that you aren't ruining your life forever so you are free to have a great time. Now we can tell you have a confused look on your face due to the loose dancing rules at a wedding. The dancing chapter contradicts almost everything that goes with just gliding onto the 91

dance floor and letting loose. Very true, and extra credit for being so observant. If you weren't then kudos for being extra skilled in realizing that a wedding is a centrally focused event. Two people and their families are at the epicenter and if people remember anything of you at all it's that you have a great time at events and keep the party going. Do whatever you want to on the dance floor, because it will be seen as hilarious and joyous rather than laughable and embarrassing. Memories are a tricky thing, because you will know something isn't right or that you don't want someone to do something that was tragic last time but you can't quite remember until the moment it happens again and you slap your forehead and smile nervously. Keep it clean, but do have a good time. Photographs will be taken and kept forever, but as long as nobody is scarred for life or exposed they will be precious memories to look back on and laugh about for years to come.

92

First Timers Guide To: DANCING

Dancing says a lot about a person. How you approach life, your skills in the bedroom, confidence level, and of course everyday coordination. Knowing your relationship with dancing is just as important as the actual act of dancing itself. Beginning your soon to be very short dancing career in a club or bar is really brave, but we suggest you start slow. Nobody is looking for music video dancers in the back corner of a local dive bar in front of the pool tables, and Julliard scouts aren't spending their Tuesday morning scouring the musty bar you stumbled into for new unseen talent, plus this isn't a Jessica Alba film so keep it simple. Much like at a party, you don't want to be the first one at the party or the first drunk guest who greets everyone with a hug and a shot, so wait until someone else takes the lead on this one. Being the only guy or girl on the dance floor without immediately having people follow you will make you look ridiculous. 93

And trust us, we will be collectively hating on you silently from our barstools. Now that you've inevitably taken the plunge and started grinding on some poor guy or girl we can suggest a few moves that will make your night a little more enjoyable. First off, if you can't dance just glide side to side. Seems lame, and it is but it's better than making some outlandish move that spawns an explanation later in the night or takes a fellow dancers eye out in the process. Nobody cares how amazing your dance move was if they have to clean up eye blood off of the floor by the jukebox. Ambulances are called, you get banned from the bar, and we are looking to avoid a bloody mess. Once you've mastered that you can start moving your arms more, but make sure it's in beat and not to some strange 8-count step you saw on the television or Internets. Looking like an octopus on the dance floor is a recipe for being alone and laughed at. Always remember to smile or look like you are having a good time and not thinking about your next brilliant move. It won't be as good as you think it is, and trust us when we tell you nobody likes to dance with a sad Sam. If all else fails and you still have the urge to keep grooving, then get trashed. Adding alcohol will only make your moves more refined and sophisticated inside your head, and really isn't that in the end all that matters? Pictures can be a big part of dancing, and for every shot that shows you in the perfect position with the perfect dance partner there are hundreds that show a contorted face with one hand on your partner's hip and another pointing to the ground. Deny everything and never take photos while dancing if you can. If someone 94

claims to have documented proof that you tried to get the entire room to do the sprinkler, deny, deny, deny. Again, if the pictures end up surfacing on facebook.com, myspace.com, ugly.com, whatever, do not acknowledge them. Didn't you know anyone can use Photoshop nowadays? Clearly you were framed, and much like O.J. you will not rest until the culprit is brought to justice. As important as it is to know what to do is to know what not to do. Dance moves that among your friends you think are really neat and keen can look pathetic and childish when applied in the real world. The robot is number one on this list. It may be the only thing you are good at in your life, but that just means you need to be sitting at the bar rather than being with real people on the dance floor. This isn't a robot bar, club, party, or wedding so how about we stick to human dancing for the night? The penguin dance is next, and if you don't know what it is then you can't afford it. Made popular by Tony Kornheiser, it involves a great deal of shoulder movement and not much else. We feel obligated to repeat the fact that if you don't know what it is you can't afford it because many don't pay attention to this rule and are guilty penguin dancers in the process. If you have read this far in the chapter, you are clearly in need of supervision, so we strongly suggest you not "drop' it like it's hot," or anything from a 95

Michael Jackson video. You may want to moonwalk in honor of the King of Pop, but we know he would appreciate it more if you would keep him in your heart rather than your feet. Lastly if you just have to dance because the song means so much to you or someone on the dance floor has been calling your name, then bring a drink with you. Seems like a simple move (and it is), but it will allow for limited movement and acceptance by other dancers of your shortcomings. If it looks like you could be good but your Jack and Coke is holding you back from unleashing the dancing beast that you potentially could be then we must quote the great Jamie Fox, and "blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol."

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First Timers Guide To: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Dear First Timers Guide To: LYFE reader, We can't say anything other than thank you for getting to the end of our book. Much as in life we aren't really worried about how you got to this point, but just the fact that you are present and accounted for means the world to us. This has been an incredible adventure for us to live and write this book and we are so glad someone other than ourselves got a chance to read this. Some may read this and believe it is full of outlandish tales from two young men with wild imaginations and drinking problems. However, that could not be further from the truth. In our short time here on this earth we have been able to experience some pretty incredible moments and have as many ups as downs, but we have found an outlet for those stories to be told. This book was by no means meant to be seen outside of the two authors, however, the more we wrote and the more we shared what we had written with our friends and the people close to us the more we decided that this needed to be expanded and find a way to make this into something that could truly help others in the lost generation. To say what we did was anything in the ball park of literary genius would be considered the review of a drunk eleven year old. Simply, we took the initiative to follow a ridiculous dream that ended up taking us places we never thought were possible. By now you've reached the end of this book. You may be finding yourself saying, "my that wasn't a bad read at all." Or perhaps you're unloved and plan to retire it to the bookshelf never giving it a second read. But who this chapter is really for are the people finding themselves thinking "I had this idea five 97

years ago but didn't do anything with it." Or maybe you're saying "hell, I could write better than this garbage." Well that leads us to wonder a very simple question, and to leave you with a simple challenge: why haven't you? Being ridiculous and walking the path that so few have trotted down is what life should be about. Thank you for allowing us to make literary love to your eyes. Sincerely, Justin Rankin & Adam Bunnell

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First Timers Guide To: JUSTIN RANKIN

Justin Stagger Lee Joban Merriweather Rankin is, quite simply, a god damn genius. This work which you are privileged to hold in your pathetic ignoble hands represents just one of his many staggeringly badass accomplishments that he has obtained over the very highly eventful 23 years on this planet ...which include in no particular order: founding the city of Los Angeles, preventing (what we are legally allowed to refer to as) the assassination of at least three presidents, inventing toothpaste in a tube, and bringing more than three ounces of bottled shampoo onto a commercial jetliner. When he isn't writing, Justin enjoys mountain banging, barhopping, skydicking, bear-blasting, muff diving, and bagging of both the grocery and tea varieties. He's also a noted motherfucker - ask yours sometime; he gets around, and on occasion delicately crafts opinion pieces for the Times under the pseudonym "Richard Succer." He currently resides in a state of constant badassery. .

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First Timers Guide To: ADAM BUNNELL

Mr. Adam Wakefield Bunnell at age 23 has been honored with two lifetime achievement awards, four Grammy nominations, a kidney that does not filter hard liquor properly, and a dream of becoming a third string pass only point guard in the NBA. His Heisman Trophy was returned for the simple fact that the figure is being changed to his likeness for future winners to strive to be. His blonde beard is listed on his organ donation card and is currently awaiting placement in an exhibit at the Smithsonian as a bust of its likeness is being erected in the Facial Hair Hall of Fame next to Bob Villas classic beard. When he isnt globetrotting and breaking hearts with his ever so gentle piercing blue eyes he is being hailed universally as a literary genius among crayon scratchers. When he isnt etching brilliance into the pages of classics in the making, Adam is enjoying sporting endeavors, drinking amazing beer, and watching Larry King Live. His sweet jump shot and distorted take on life makes every day an adventure, with zero clues as to what the next day shall bring.

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