Buffalo Bills Find Unique Strategy for 2012 NFL Season*

August 28, 2012 / writer: G. Kilburn with contributions from 16 seasons of frustration
New York, NY - The late preseason acquisition of Seattle quarterback Tarvaris Jackson leaves Buffalo

football fans scratching their heads as they try to determine what intentions the Bills front office has for the 2012 NFL season. The Bills havent made the playoffs in 12 years and havent won a playoff game in 16. That tenure has seen a laundry list of ineffectual quarterbacks who have failed to realize the elusive promise of the once dominant AFC champion teams of the early 90s. Add to that an anemic offensive performance through three 2012 pre-season games that have seen the likes of Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tyler Thigpen, Vince Young and Brad Smith turn out increasingly lopsided losses and dismal passing statistics. So, how do you fix a floundering team that cant win a game with four troubled quarterbacks? Why, you add a fifth! Its obvious to any fan that the Buffalo Bills clearly have an agenda in signing back-up quarterbacks. Yet the question remains, what are they getting at? Some have contended that the Buffalo Bills have developed an amazingly unique strategy to win games and make the playoffs. Namely, sign every back-up quarterback in the NFL. At the current rate, by week 3 of the season, the Bills should have approximately 84 quarterbacks on their roster and in franchise development as red shirt alternates and European prospects. You say the economy is bad? Cant get a job? Apply to the Buffalo Bills for a quarterback position. Theyve got room for you somewhere out there. If the Bills have every legitimate back-up quarterback in America, that leaves all other NFL teams with one starter and a place kicker whos going to have to double as a passer and have a good relationship with his maker to live through the year. With the defensive front line the Bills have put together in the off season, it shouldnt be long before Buffalo wins every game because the opposing team is battered and bruised behind center, and their front office has taken to conscripting homeless drunks as signal callers just to field a team. Evil genius at work, or just plain insanity? Time will tell; however, signing every back-up quarterback creates issues that the Act of god winning strategy doesnt seem to account for. For instance, if youve signed every quarterback, there wont be room on the current 46 man roster for a defensive front line, except one made entirely of back-up quarterbacks. Many suspect this is the Bills intention from the start. Play a team where every position player is actually a quarterback. Quarterbacks already double as running backs, receivers, and place holders as the situation and play design calls for. Why cant a quarterback play Left Tackle or Free Safety? Following the Tarvaris Jackson signing, theres no doubt the Bills are headed in this direction. A team full of players that understand the same mechanics and skill sets creates a collegial, almost family like atmosphere. Buffalo Times sports writer Jeff Macintyre caught up with Bills General Manager Buddy Nix outside Rich Stadium and asked about this fraternal strategy. Nix claimed that the off season acquisition of Mario Williams to line

up alongside older brother Kyle Williams showed the Bills commitment to the family style approach to playing. However, immediately thereafter, parking lot attendant Reginald Thompson pointed out the flawed research in Nixs genealogical research. Upon learning from Reginald that the Williams boys were not actually brothers, Nix found himself shocked and stated that the parking lot attendant sure did, have a lot of football smarts. The kind of smarts we need around here in Orchard Park. Mr. Thompson has since been given a contract and has been signed as a back-up quarterback. Hell be starting the season at Outside Linebacker. As a further sign of trouble in Western NY football, when asked about the Bills surreptitious attempts to void the NFL of quarterbacks, Commissioner Roger Goodell was not even aware that the Bills were still an NFL team. Former Commissioner Paul Tagliabue stated that the Bills hadnt had a professional team since the death of Doug Flutie over twelve years ago. When informed that Doug Flutie was very much alive and well and the Bills did still play professional football, Tagliabue responded by saying, Impossible! When was the last time you saw a Buffalo Bill play at a professional level? Its hard to argue with such apparent logic. New England owner Bob Kraft, who is heavily involved in NFL operations, doubted the Bills still played in the NFL as well. He noted that the Bills did not show up to play his Patriots in every game scheduled in the past 8 years. On September 25 of last year the Patriots were beaten in what Kraft believed to be a scrimmage match against a group of undisciplined high school players quarterbacked by a grizzled prospector, but as he pointed out, I believe the team we played was from Toronto. In a way, he was correct. Kraft did concede that the Bills still had a market presence. As he mentioned, If Super Bowls were won by creating, marketing and selling breakfast cereals around washed-up players, the Bills were the greatest team in league history, a reference to the wide spread popularity in Western NY of Flutie Flakes and Terrell Owenss T.O. Toasted Oats. The morning meal reference was not lost on NY Jets Defensive Coordinator Mike Pettine who notably brags when mentioning the Bills offense that, we certainly eat those pieces of shit for breakfast. Happy Gilmore could not be reached for comment and only time will tell if the current quarterback-infused shit pieces will be likewise consumed. However, not everybody is pleased with the cold cereal notoriety at One Bills Drive. Unshaven hobo quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick (pronounced Fits-sack-pick) doesnt find the trend amusing. When signing with the bills he was promised a warm shower and a hot meal. Although he has repeatedly been told by the coaching staff half-way through games to call it a day and hit the showers, he has yet to receive the contractually promised warm vittles. Suspicions arise as to whether his poor performance is the result of Fitzpatricks attempt to force the team to make good on the terms of his contract. At one point, owner Ralph Wilson claimed that Fitzpatrick had yet to white wash a family owned barn, another stipulation in the vagabond signal callers contact. Upon signing, Tarvaris Jackson offered to white wash the barn for a meal of any temperature, but Wilson demurred, doubting Jacksons ability to paint a barn considering, as a quarterback he couldnt hit the broad side of one.

Many blame Drew Rosenhaus, Fitzpatricks agent for the contractual enigma that leaves barns unpainted and meals uncooked, but the truth is, he inked a 6 year, $59 million contract extension with a $10 million signing bonus for the young gun-slinging roustabout. That kind of money puts a lot beans in the bindle. When Fitzpatrick initially entered contact negotiations with Buffalo brass, he was simply asking for a little spare change with a follow up request of, hey buddy, you got an extra cigarette? The all-quarterback offense is nothing if not exciting. One of the most popular questions around Buffalo these days, other than, Whens the next plane out of this hell hole? continues to be, Ryan, what are you going to do when you win the Super Bowl? He always answers, unabashedly and with a wild-man look in his eye, Im going to Big Rock Candy Mountain! a reference to a fictitious depression-era paradise, sort of a transients Disney World. Associated Press reporter Mitch Henderson threw the same Super Bowl question at Wide Receiver Stevie Johnson, but he dropped it in the end zone. And thats OK, hell get better. After all, this is Johnsons first year playing back-up quarterback. Youll have to look close to see the genius in the front office tactics for the Buffalo Bills. Signing a new quarterback every ten minutes is a new strategy, but its a new strategy that should start to pay dividends in the next 30 years or so. Its a new day in Buffalo, and with it comes a handful of new quarterbackspretty much every hour on the hour. Those Buffalo Bills are ready to stampederight over Doug Fluties grave.

(* - This story is pure satire. Very little of this story is true. All quotes are fabricated. No one was interviewed. G. Kilburn is not a professional writer, in much the same fashion that the Bills are a professional organization in name only)