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Assertiveness Skills: Simran K. Sanghera
Assertiveness Skills: Simran K. Sanghera
Course objectives
Define assertiveness Understand assertiveness Learn assertiveness skills Formula of an assertive message Reap the benefits 2 4 19 29 36
Assertiveness skills
Definition
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to
Honestly express your opinions Feelings Attitudes and rights Without undue anxiety Doesnt infringe on the rights of others
Assertiveness skills
Understanding assertiveness
Assertiveness skills
Assertiveness skills
Think about it
Suppressed feelings can build up and can be harmful to us and others Not letting others know how we feel is selfish and denies them a chance to change, grow and have a relationship with us
Assertiveness skills
Statements examination
I need to see the Manager, Right now! I understand that you are busy, but I would like to see the manager as soon as possible. Why dont you ever take me out to dinner anymore? Its been a long time since we went out for dinner together
Assertiveness skills
Communication styles
Aggressive Protecting ones own rights-at the expense of others rights. The goal is to win at all costs The other person is hurt and humiliated Assertive Protecting ones own rights -while respecting the rights of others. The goal is to understand each other and to arrive at a win-win situation. The other person feels respected.
Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
Who is who???
You have absolutely no sense of time! Youre always late. Get Lost!! We were supposed to meet at 12:30, but now its 12:50. I have no time for window shopping now, come lets get started with lunch right away I knew youll be late, now I am accustomed to waiting for you. Thank God it was only 20 minutes this time I hear what youre saying, and I wouldnt want to make waves, so Ill do what you say even though someone will probably get sued.
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Assertiveness skills
Exercise
Describe an example of situation in which you wish you had asserted yourself
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
Understanding assertiveness-Recap
Passive aggressive 3 patterns of Interpersonal Behavior Aggressive Assertive Passive aggressive
Characteristics Allow others to choose for you Emotionally dishonest
Aggressive
Choose for others Inappropriately honest Direct, self-expressive Win-lose situation That you win Righteous, superior, controlling Later: possibly guilty Humiliated, defensive, resentful, hurt You achieve your goal at others expense Your rights upheld, others are violated
Assertive
Choose for self Appropriately honest Direct, self-respecting/ expressing, straight-forward Convert win-lose to win-win Confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued Later: accomplished Valued, respected Outcome determined by above-board negotiation Your and others rights respected
Win-lose situation
You lose Anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated Later: angry at yourself, and/or others Guilty or superior Frustrated with you Others achieve their goals at your expense Your rights are violated
Your own feelings on the exchange Others feelings in the exchange Outcome
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Assertiveness skills
I I messages
Why I??
Focus is more on Your feelings and Needs Shows more ownership of Your reactions Conveys less blame to the other person But I feel/need I understand/know/can see... So I would like/prefer/suggest...
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Assertiveness skills
II Objectivity
Identify the object to be focused on Focus on the problem, not on the emotions Postpone discussion if emotions cannot be contained
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Assertiveness skills
III Persistence
Stay focused on the issue Do not get distracted, defensive, or start justifying yourself Paraphrase if required
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Assertiveness skills
IV Acknowledgement
Acknowledge their feelings/ opinions/interests, but try to move beyond it to a discussion about the problem Dont pass a judgment You do not necessarily have to disagree or agree
I can see that this upsets you, and from your perspective, I can see why. Now, what can we do to make this better for both of us?
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Assertiveness skills
V Ownership
Own your flaws/mistakes if it is true.
That is entirely possible, knowing me
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
Essential elements-Summary
I. I Messages II. Objectivity III. Persistence IV. Acknowledgement V. Ownership (of flaws/mistakes) VI. Challenge (to false information) VII. Sincere approach (to build) VIII. Assertive body language
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
Example
When you (state facts) I feel uncomfortable (state feelings) I would like(state requirements) In this way we will be able to work together more productively because... (benefits to the other party)
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Assertiveness skills
It is okay to say I dont know. It is okay to say No, or I cannot do that. It is okay to make mistakes as long as responsibility is taken for them It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that It is okay to challenge others opinions or actions It is okay to not accept anothers opinion as factual or accurate (e.g., getting criticized) It is okay to ask for a change in behavior
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
Advice
Start Start small Role play with friends Start with strangers Ask yourself
How can I express my message more specifically and clearly? Am I likely to have to repeat my message? Will I feel comfortable doing this? What body language will I use to back up my message?
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Assertiveness skills
Role Play
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Assertiveness skills
Assertiveness DISCLAIMER!
Does not just happen Does not guarantee you happiness or fair treatment Will not solve all your problems Does not guarantee you will get what you want
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Assertiveness skills
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Assertiveness skills
Happy asserting
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