wey WAN ELLEE, AAU UE nealing. It is the missing element in what we do. -Deepak Chopra, How To Know God We learned to speak but not communicate and that has led to so much unnecessary personal and social misery. In this book you will find an amazingly effective language for saying what's on your mind and in your heart. Like so many essential and elegant systems, it's simple on the surface, challenging to use in the heat of the moment and powerful in its results. -Vicki Robin, Co-author (with the late Joe Dominguez), Your Money or Your Life In this book you'll learn simple tools to defuse arguments and create compassionate connections with your family, friends, and other acquaintances. | highly recommend this book. John Gray, Ph.D., Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus Rosenberg starts with the question: What happens to disconnect us from our compassion, leading us to behave violently and exploitively? Rosenberg makes some challenging points: that compliments and apologies operate in a system of oppression; that rewards are as harmful as punishment, that killing is the easy way out. His distinction between punitive and protective force -- and how to discern when force is necessary -- should be required reading for anyone making foreign policy or policing our streets. Demanding the ultimate form of responsibility - and vulnerability -- it's no wonder that it has received little media and mass attention. Well-written and laid out, this book is accessible and easy to read. -D. Killian, On The Front Line, Cleveland Free Times In my nationwide presentations, | exhort school administrators to revamp the entire curriculum and infuse it with nonviolent skills and strategies that STUDENTS can learn to produce their own safe schools. This magnificent book is a practical and necessary work that should be required - reading by every state department of education in the nation, and adopted for immediate and continuous use in our schools. Nationally, we talk peace. This book goes far beyond mere talk ... it shows us how to TEACH peace. Through it, students can save their own lives. ~James E. Shaw, Ph.D., Jack and Jill, Why They Kill “Nonviolent Communication” is filled with stories of mediations in many different situations: families, corporations, cops and gangs, Rwandan village tribal chiefs, Israelis and Palestinians. The author describes how, in numerous conflicts, once "enemies" have been able to hear each other's needs, they are able to connect compassionately and find new solutions to previously "impossible" impasses. He has compiled his ideas into an easy- to-read book that clearly explains this communication model. If you want to learn ways of more skillful speech, I highly recommend this book. Diana Lion, Tuming WheelNonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of speak- ing that facilitates the flow of communication needed to exchange information and resolve differences peacefully. It helps us identify our shared values and needs, encourages us to use language that increases goodwill, and avoid language that contributes to resentment or lowers self-esteem. Nonviolent Communication focuses our attention on compassion as our motivation, rather than fear, guilt, blame, or shame. It emphasizes taking personal responsibility for our choices and improving the quality of our relationships as our goal. It is effective even when the other person or group is not familiar with this process. Nonviolent Communication is based on the premises that: v We are all simply trying to get our needs met. v We fare better if we know how to get these needs met through cooperation rather than aggression. v People naturally enjoy contributing to the well being of others when they can do so willingly. The intent of Nonviolent Communication is to: v Create more satisfying personal connections. Vv Meet our needs in ways that honor and respect our values and the values of others. V Heal from previous experiences and relationships that have been painful or unsuccessful. With Nonviolent Communication skills you can: Vv Resolve feelings of anger, guilt, shame, fear and frustration. V Redirect anger or frustration toward coalition building and cooperative outcomes. V Create solutions based on safety, mutual respect, and consensus. V Meet basic individual, family, school, community and societal needs in life-serving ways. For more information about Nonviolent Communication and the Center for Nonviolent Communication, please visit us at www.NonviolentCommunication.com.Contents Cuarrer 1 Cuarrer 2 Cuaprer 3 Cuapter 4 Cnarter 5 Cuarter 6 Cnarter 7 Giving From the Heart: The Heart of Nonviolent Communication 1 Introduction A way to focus attention The NVC model....... Applying NVC in our lives and world NVC in Action-“Murderer, Assassin, Child Killer!” Communication That Blocks Compassion 15 Moralistic judgments Making comparisons. Denial of responsibility .... Other forms of life-alienating communication Observing Without Evaluating The highest form of human intelligence. NVC in Action-“The most arrogant speaker we've ever had!” . Exercise 1... Identifying and Expressing Feelings 37 The heavy cost of unexpressed feelings......... Feelings versus non-feelings . Building a vocabulary for feeling Exercise 2 Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings Hearing a negative message: four options SL The needs at the roots of feelings... The pain of expressing our needs versus the pain of not expressing our need! From emotional slavery to emotional liberatior NVC in Action-“Bring back the stigma of illegitimacy!” Exercise 3... ae : Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life 71 Using positive action language ae Making requests consciously . Asking for a reflection ..... Requesting honesty....... Making requests of a group Requests versus demands... Defining our objective when making request NVC in Action-Sharing fears about a best friend’s smoking. Exercise 4... Receiving Empathically Presence: Don’t just do something, stand there Listening for feelings and needs........... Paraphrasing ....Cuapter 8 Cuapter 9 Cuarter 10 Carter 11 Cuaprer 12 Sustaining empathy... When pain blocks our ability to empathize NVC in Action-A wife conn: with her dying husband Exercise § : The Power of Empathy 119 Empathy that heals.. Empathy and the ability to be vulnerable... Using empathy to defuse danger... Empathy in hearing someone's “No!” Empathy to revive a lifeless conversation Empathy for silence Expressing Anger Fully Distinguishing stimulus from cause All anger has a life-serving core... Stimulus versus cause: practical implication: Four steps to expressing anger Offering empathy first Taking our time NVC in Action-Parent and teen dialog a life-threatening issue... The Protective Use of Force 155 When the use of force is unavoidable The thinking behind the use of force. Types of punitive force . The costs of punishment Two questions that reveal the limitations of punishment The protective use of force in SCHOOIS «sss... Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others 165 Freeing ourselves from old programming Resolving internal conflicts ..... Dream-killing language. Caring for our inner environment .. Replacing diagnosis with NVC NVC in Action-Dealing with resentments and self-judgment ...176 Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication 181 ‘The intention behind the appreciation .. The three components of appreciation .. Receiving appreciatioi The hunger for appreciation... Overcoming the reluctance to express appreciation Epilogue 190 The Nonviolent Communication Mode 193 Bibliography 194 About the Mission of CNVC NVC Worldwide Training: Contact Information .. Materials Order Form. About the AuthorWORDS ARE WINDOWS (or They’re Walls) I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away, Before I go I’ve got to know Is that what you mean to say? Before I rise to my defense, Before I speak in hurt or fear, Before I build that wall of words, Tell me, did I really hear? Words are windows, or they’re walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, Let the lovelight shine through me. There are things I need to say, Things that mean so much to me, If my words don’t make me clear, Will you help me to be free? If I seemed to put you down, If you felt I didn’t care, Try to listen through my words To the feelings that we share. Ruth Bebermeyer