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S P ction
Ele t i o n
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http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.com Volume Two Issue Two
November 2008
Voting is for Losers, That’s The Impudence of Aspirations
why I won’t be voting By Barack Obama
Obama’s op-ed was transcribed over the
By John McCain phone. The commas indicate pauses
My friends, this November 4th is an impor- First off, I’d like to thank, ‘The Muddler’ for
tant day for our country. College students every- allowing me to run, this article, so close to the most
where have the opportunity to drink alcohol, surf important event, this planet, has ever seen before.
the computer net, and partake in using drugs. The I’d also, like to wish my adversary, John, the best of
pundits in this election would have you believe that luck, in whatever, endeavors he chooses to pursue,
college students will come out to vote in huge num- after I ascend to, the White House.
bers on November 4th. My question to this genera- Now, I would like to, address John’s dubious
tion of young people: Are you really that lame? campaign strategy of coercing the liberal media,
Back in my day we understood that voting into making me out as
was for sissies. Just the Second coming of
ask W, he never did, Christ. I would like to
and look at him now; thank, all the media
he’s president of these who have called me the
United States. College savior, of politics. I know
students have years of that I said, “we need to
boring jobs and econom- stay grounded.” But at
ic depression to look this point, it’s been hard,
forward to. But that’s for anyone with eyes,
all in the future, my and ears to not see that
friends. Right now is the I’m the second coming.
best time of your life, so I can prove it. When
why would you waste some people swear,
an hour of it in a voting booth at some run down el- they choose to say, “Jesus H. Christ.” Not my brand
ementary school? November 4th is an important day of curse word. I prefer “gosh darn it.” My fellow
for our nation’s young people: it’s your opportunity Americans, have you ever wondered, what the “H”
to prove that you are not the “lame generation.” stands for? Hussein. Jesus Hussein Christ. We share
I know that old folks are telling you this elec- a middle name. I think, my fellow Americans, that,
tion is important. Quite frankly – it’s not. No presi- that fact makes me pretty Christ-like.
dential election has ever been won by a single vote, My fellow Americans, I have proven John
and I can assure you that this year will be no differ- McCain’s point sufficiently. I truly am, the second
ent. Voting is not “hip” and it will not make you look coming of God, the messiah of, politics. So heed,
“sweet.” I hope that all of you will take a stand this John’s, advice, don’t vote, on November, the 4th,
election-day and sit out of the entire nerdy process because, I, have this election, in the bag. John,
of voting. thank you for assuring, my place, in, the, White,
The Muddler
House.
1
Good Christian Advice is ing to be a student forever, and
written by syndicated col- as soon as you make a few million
umnist Christian Cornwallis
dollars, you’re going to want to
who has been imparting his
vast knowledge on those in keep that. If taxes get any higher,
need for many years for the I won’t be able to pay my entire
general betterment of human- staff of immigrants. Then who’s
kind. Christian is currently going to squeeze my fresh orange
a practicing gentleman of
juice daily? Go vote for McCain, and
leisure and can be reached
at ‘themuddler.smu@gmail. stop all this useless thinking you’re
com’. If you have any ques- doing.
tions please send them with With love,
the heading Dear Christian Christian Cornwallis
or add him as your friend on
Facebook.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Christian,
I was HOPING that you could tell Mr. Cornwallis,
me where I could find out where to vote this year. People have been going on and on about how much
I just CHANGED my address and don’t know where I’ve spent on my clothes lately, but a girl’s got to
to go for this information. I think this is the year for look nice, right? If Blair, of Gossip Girl fame, can go
something new. out shopping everyday, why shouldn’t the future
Sincerely, leader of the free world be able to? Please help me
Barrack Balloter talk some sense into these people.
Snuggled closely,
Dear BB, Vice President Sarah Palin

Hello My Dear,
(Fuck off) You betcha! When you’re leading the Senate, you’re
Best, going to have to have a new outfit everyday. Don’t
Christian Cornwallis let the people get you down, what’s $150,000. Tell
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bristol I had a wonderful time with her just a few
Hey Christian, short months ago.
I’ve been going back and forth on who to vote for Your friend,
in the election. Both sides make some great points. Christian Cornwallis
Obama has some super ideas to really help students
Help run the print media out of business.
and McCain is going to be so great with taxes. What Sign up to receive the digital edition of
should I do? ‘The Muddler’ 24 hours before the hard copy
From, can be picked up outside of Hughes-Trigg.
Straddling Supporter To sign up, send an e-mail to ‘themuddler.
smu@gmail.com’ or send a message to Chris-
tian Cornwallis on Facebook. Cheers.
Dear SS,
What are you poor or just stupid? You’re not go-
2 The Muddler
Benson Begins, and Ends, Presidential Run
HIGHLAND PARK- City Councilman, John Benson MUDDLER: We’ve learned from an anonymous
has recently gained attention for entering source that you were actually elected to your posi-
his name into the 2008 Presidential race.
tion by default when incumbent Kelli Miller bowed
The Muddler decided to find out why.
out of the race to become President of the PTA. Is
that true?
MUDDLER: Councilman Benson, why should the
American people vote for you?
BENSON: Who told you that? Cindy? That bitch!
BENSON: Well, I’ve been a city councilman for the
MUDDLER: Councilman, Benson, it doesn’t seem
last six months now, and I’ve headed up numer-
like you have any real qualifications to be President,
ous committees and initiatives that have improved
let alone a city councilman.
the lives of those who elected me. If I can do it
for the 30,000 people in the Park Cities, what’s
BENSON: (sigh) Well, to be honest with you, you’re
300,000,000?
right. I’m not really “qualified” in the traditional
sense.
MUDDLER: What would you say your main advan-
tages are over your opponents?
MUDDLER: So why are you running?
BENSON: Well, I’ve spearheaded more initiatives
BENSON: Frankly, I just wanted to bailout on my
and sat on more committees than Barack, and at 61
obligations. Take a vacation, you know?
years old, I’m a spring chick compared to Johnny
Mac, and I often hear I’m prettier than Palin.
MUDDLER: Excuse me?
MUDDLER: What about Biden?
BENSON: Umm, well, when I saw those two sena-
tors traveling all over the country, bailing out on
BENSON: Who?
their responsibilities and skipping work, I decided
why not me? And to be honest with you, it’s been
MUDDLER: Barack Obama’s running mate.
the best decision of my life. I’ve dropped two
strokes off my golf game, and my blood pressure’s
BENSON: I don’t know much about him, but I was
never been lower. I’ve even had time to read a few
starting quarterback for the Highland Park Scots
books. Candidly, I have no desire to win this thing,
back in ’64.
the Presidency or whatever, at all. I’m happy right
where I am. And I’ll see you in four more years to do
MUDDLER: You mentioned you have spearheaded a
this whole dog and pony show all over again. I may
number of initiatives. Can you elaborate on that?
even start my “campaign” a little bit earlier.
BENSON: As head of the School Zone Safety
MUDDLER: Umm, ok, there you have it. Thanks for
through Redundancy Committee, I was able to
your time, Councilman.
get 150+ flashing school zone signs placed in and
around Highland Park. Sure, they’re not all in school
BENSON: My pleasure. And I just want to add one
zones, one’s in my front yard, and sure we’ve had
more thing: when you’re at the polls this Tuesday,
some problems with people suffering seizures after
remember, Don’t Vote Benson for President ’08.
being exposed to flashing lights for extended peri-
I don’t even know what I’d do with that kind of
ods, but, hey, it’s something.
power . . . maybe have someone killed.

November 2008 3
Third Party Confusion Rapper Diddy Says
ATLANTA, GA-- Libertarian presidential candidate
Bob Barr wants voters to know exactly who he is. “ I Rocked too Hard”
NEW YORK, NY-- In a surprise move, Sean Combs
“I am Bob Barr.
announced that he would be canceling his 2009
Not Babar.”
concert Tour due to being overly exhausted.
For months, Bob
According to sources close to Combs, his ex-
Barr has fought
haustion stems from Rocking the Vote too hard.
off confusion
that he is, in
“Yeah, Puffy was just really into this election. He
fact, Babar,
really thinks he can make a difference and mobi-
famed King of
lize the youth. He really wants them to vote for
the Elephants.
Obama, you know,” said Combs’ publicist.
The mistake may
stem from his
Diddy’s fans have expressed concern over this
name or the fact
cancellation. “With campaigning starting earlier
that he is kind of
and earlier every election, Diddy may never have
a fat guy.
time to go on tour again,” said Jenny Uma, a
self-proclaimed member of Diddy’s groupies. “I
“I am a legiti-
mean look at Palin. I think her 2012 campaign has
mate candidate for President of the United States,”
already officially begun.”
Bob Barr said to snickers from reporters. “Not an
Elephant King.”
However, until his next tour begins, dedicated
fans can still see Sean Combs on award-worthy
Bob Barr’s chances of winning were always slight.
shows “Making the Band” and “I Want to Work
He is a third party candidate, and experts call these
for Diddy.”
candidates “jokes.” His mustache was recently up-
graded to “molestache” by a CNN.com poll. And he
loves to smoke pot and shoot guns.

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those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
Pat Begley rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
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Ryan Leech good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
no liability for any injuries you incur while
Greg Mandel
reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
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Daniel Ruiz Ducharme spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
4 Shawn White
The Muddler