When

a Pillar of Strength Falters Chanhee Song What do I do if my pillar of strength falters and wavers in the face of difficulty, especially when that pillar is someone I trust so much? How am I supposed to encourage that person when that person is my mom who I have been looking up to and asking for encouragement and when I see her faith in the Lord slowly dying out? From the first moment my mom met my dad, dad has been known for his ministry at church and as a mission-minded person. Because mom had a pure heart in the Lord, she appreciated dad and what he did for the church. As far as finances mattered, they didnt have much material affluence to begin with so when they got married and rented a house, they bought only basic necessities. Nevertheless, they were able to save some of the earnings that dad made despite his small paychecks. Compared with her family background where mom was raised, the family that she and her husband formed was a very happy one. Even with a small amount of money, they were able to live within their resources, and the family was full of love. It was by the grace of God. A year after their marriage, I was born. In their second year of marriage, the pastor suggested that my dad consider planting a church at Seongnam city, a suburb of Seoul. Mom and dad prayed about it and the Lord affirmed them that it was His will for them to move to a different city to plant a church. Before the marriage, dad had been working at a Christian publishing company in order to make a living. He continually had to work there while planting a church because the church couldnt support his family financially. It was a double burden on his shoulders physically

and mentally as dad had to balance proclaiming the word of God and having to make a profit for his company. Meanwhile, dad decided to become a full-time pastor after reading Matthew 24:45. Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his master made ruler over his household, to give them food in due season? As a result, dad left his job in 1989 and focused on ministry in order to fully provide for the spiritual needs of the congregation. Mom took this in stride and was ready to bear the consequences of his leaving the job. The church gave our family $200 as an honorarium per month, but this was less than half of his $500 monthly paycheck from the publishing company. Though mom and dad had always been used to a frugal living style and would not spend money on anything more than daily necessities, they would easily run out of money within twenty days. There were occasional days without meals and days without enough money to buy milk for their two-year-old kid. But compared with what other men and women of faith had to suffer for Christ, mom and dad gladly took their circumstances in stride and thanked the Lord for what they were able to do for Him. While dad ministered the church with the word of God, mom cooked for the congregation every time there was a service. When the church obtained its first auditorium, the church had insufficient funds to acquire the building so it ended up using our familys money. And this forced our family to move into a rooftop house over the church building and live there for three years. Unlike other believers who could choose whether or not to come to church depending on their circumstances, mom didnt have that option not to come but had to work every time because she lived there and was a pastors wife. The voluntary act of serving the congregation with a joyful spirit turned into a mandatory ministry due to her position as a

ministers wife. What troubled her heart was that she had to deal with all the criticisms despite her everyday work at church. Other believers did not get any criticisms even though they did not do all the work. It was the criticisms that made her heart ache rather than physical labor. It might be that the loss of choice and the internal conflict of why do I have to do all this when everybody else doesnt? led to her gruff and straight forward comments on other believers who did not work as much as she did. One of the difficulties in living as a pastors wife is that youre more than likely to be exposed to the public and that your weaknesses will turn into criticisms that will tear you apart. Not to mention, your work often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. This agony deepened even more when our family came back to our home church after a 5-year mission effort in Thailand and Myanmar in order to pay back the vow dad once made before God. Prior to moving to Thailand, the minimum cost of a two-year house lease contract in Seongnam city was about $30,000. When we came back, however, the price has almost tripled making us unable to even rent a house. Despair swept over my parents as they were trying to figure out how to make a living in this new, highly expensive society. Though they were never well off, they had youth and energy and were hopeful about their future with an expectation that things would get better when they got older. But now, while other people were settled down and stable in their late forties and early fifties, our location of residence was uncertain as was the means to pay for me and my brothers college tuition when dad was already over 50. Everything seemed so distant and impossible, and this was when my moms faith bottomed out.

For what did I sacrifice my youth and time? she said. What have I gained as a result of my ministry? I felt doubts about my life as I gained nothing. The despair I felt would have been reduced if we didnt have to look for and move to a new location every other year. I was unable to take care of my endless tears for a full year. I was wondering if the church and its congregation would ever appreciate our family and the sacrifice we paid. The fact that other believers were concerned about their own welfare and safety discouraged me even more. It seemed as if I had lost all of my first love with the Lord. My thirst for the Lord disappeared. I kept losing my heart while reading the Scriptures. Anxieties and distrust were overwhelming. I asked myself, Why did my family alone have to be sacrificed? Why did we even choose a ministry? I was ashamed of myself at the fact that I asked the Lord these questions. While Jesus Christ sacrificed His life for the dying souls, I was only concerned about my comfort, our familys welfare, or not having to move every time, and a nice house of our own This was when I saw my pillar of strength fall. The person I trust so much, the person I ask advice for my faith fell down brutally. As a result, I was determined and decided that I would never live for the Lord and that I would never sacrifice my time and my family for the church. This is what I said to the Lord. Dear God, though I never doubted your existence, now I know this one thing. You exist and youre out there, but you just dont care. If this is how you treat your people and especially my parents who have worked for you more than 25 years and sacrificed their lives, then thats fine. If youre not treating them right, I will. Let me reward my parents financially. As soon as I get my bachelors degree and get a job, I will work hard and work hard only. Dont you ever ask me for a ministry. Dont you

ever tell me to do things for you. I dont care if Im only a Sunday Christian or dont go to church at all. If you dont appreciate my parents, Ill show my appreciation to them. I thought this bitterness in my heart would be just temporary and go away quickly because I knew that sometimes things could go way out of control and I could get emotional with it. But this time, it did not go away quickly. One day, mom and I were listening to a sermon on the fall of Jericho from Joshua chapter 6. Then the Lord said to Joshua, March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days On the seventh day, march around the city seven times. Then the wall of the city will collapse See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands. It was a typical sermon until we heard that the pastor took this passage word for word and really put it into practice when he was both looking for a school and a house. What was even more interesting was that the pastor both got accepted into the school and purchased the house almost free of charge as a result of this Jericho principle. When mom told me that we were doing this Jericho principle, I thought she was joking. But she said, Son, I know that we have been discouraged and our faith struggled a lot recently. But, lets go ahead and try this Jericho principle and see if the word of God really works in our lives. Knowing that our church had been looking for a new auditorium due to its increased congregation, my mom and I carefully searched and chose this one building named Seong-san City Tower and started marching around the building seven times a day for the next 40 days. Because the pastor said the more specific the prayers are the better they work, we were specifically praying for the 8th floor of

the building to be our next church building. Just as it sounds, I felt foolish for the first couple of days. But then, when I saw that mom was resolved to do this and was sincerely asking God to answer our prayer, I slowly changed my attitude and took this seriously. While I marched around the buildings for only about ten days, mom was there from beginning to the end and did it all 40 days. At the last day and the last prayer, we were pumped and excited about what God would do for our church and especially for us because this was the very first time for me and my mom taking initiatives and challenging our faith by asking God for a difficult request. We thought something would happen real quick. We thought that God must have been impressed with what we had done and that He would grant our church the building within a month. In fact, nothing happened for a year and a half after the Jericho principle. While we were just satisfied with the fact that we actually lived out the verse and trusted God for that period and were just about to get over the disappointment, something uncomfortable started to happen. Our church had been trying out other available buildings for the same period, but every attempt failed regardless of how much the preparation was made for each auction. By the time everybody was exhausted with the research, we got a phone call that the 8th floor of the Seongsan City Tower building became made available again because nobody would try to purchase it. As a result, the cost of the building kept dropping to the point where our church might have a chance to win the auction. When we were finally able to purchase the building that mom and I marched around and prayed about for 40 days, we were praising the Lord full of joy, but at the same time, I was fearful of the Lord for what I had said to Him.

While I was happy to see my mom encouraged by this Jericho incident and to see my pillar of strength being rebuilt by Gods answering our prayer, I still couldnt get rid of my bitterness in my heart because my parents are still financially weak. They are still struggling to pay for my college tuition although they have managed to pay my past seven semesters in college free of debt as of today, which amazes me every time I think about it. So I asked dad how mom and dad have been able to fully support my tuition fee for the last several years despite their small earnings, and dad said this was all because of Gods grace. Of course I was not convinced. In fact, I got so mad at his answer that I told my dad I trust him more than I trust God and that if I ever learned anything about the true meaning of love, then it was all because of him and mom. Then dad asked me, Why do you trust me so much? So I said, Because you know me so well. You never ask me more than I can do. You never ask me to be somebody else. You always take me just as I am and embrace me regardless of how much I achieve or accomplish. Youre always there to care for me, and in fact youre using all of your money that you made during your lifetime for my education. How can I not love you and trust you? Then he said, Well Son, listen carefully. If you are satisfied with a father you have on this earth, how better would our Heavenly Father be? Dont you think? If you think that Im a good father, then why dont you give your God a chance to be your true and good Heavenly Father? That was when I knew my real faith started.