A Hitchhikers Guide

to

Galaxy Gourmet

Christina Daley
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A Hitchhikers Guide to Galaxy Gourmet First published in Great Britain in 2013 by CreativeCookie Press CreativeCookie Ltd, Lincoln, England Copyright Christina Daley 2013 The right of Christina Daley to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act of 1988 All rights reserved ISBN 0-06-083520-2 Acknowledgements I would like to thank PDA Artwork for the images included.

Scab Sarnie Mud Float Slug Spaghetti and Bogie Bolognaise Slobber Salad Show Sole Bacon Baguette Booger Burger Rinsed Raisin Yoghurt

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I didnt find school too fun, like I imagine you dont either. Too many rules, squashed stuffy never want to see dry mushy peas and sour mash potato ever again in my entire life! classrooms and worst of all school dinners. I

Thats why when I finished school I wanted to

escape as far away as I could. I thought there became my quest to find interesting dishes.

must be better food somewhere out there and it I hopped on the next space rocket out from galaxy!

Heathrow, Earth and became a hitchhiker of the

After years of searching I believe I have found a a handful of these with you.

few delicious gems and its my pleasure to share

I hope you find them as tasty as I did!

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I discovered scab sarnies during a rock

climbing trip on Mercury when our sandwich fillings melted. Stuck on a mountain, the only thing we had to substitute was our scabs from

the first few falls of the week. The intense sun had already fried them through our suntan flavour. lotion, creating an extra crisp and tangy

 Knife (doesnt need to be sharp)

Around a cup full of scabs, the crustiest you Two slices of bread. Butter. Any other toppings you may wish to add. can find.

The preparation of the scabs all depends on how accident prone you or your family are.

your kitchen where you or anyone in the house can add scabs, so you will always have a full stock.

Its a good idea to keep a jar in

 Butter the bread and add any other fillings. Sprinkle your scabs over the butter. crunch away! Simples! Place the other bread slice on top and

ask an adult to simply pop the scabs into a frying pan for a minute or two.

If you wish for an even crispier crunch,

- A dash of eye-goo mayo always adds an - Or throw in a few fried fingernails and enjoy with a head-lice garnished snot salad. extra tanginess to scab sarnies.

Experiment with the fillings and base until you

find your favourite combo. Phlegm flat bread mouldy bogie buns work fantastically.
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with snot makes a smoother, runny taste. Or

I first gulped down a Mud float somewhere between the port of Snarftu and Biesclof in Jupiters cloud-like sea of gas. Unfortunately

the S.S Tranoc, upon which I had stowed away, was overthrown by ferocious pirates. Luckily Jupiter pirates do not tend to make prisoners walk the plank, as there are no sharks to eat them. Instead we were abandoned on a deserted over. After a few hours of running around looking like a headless chicken, I realised that the crew tree trunks and were drinking from pocomuts shells. Apparently, this was quite a common occurrence and the sailors treated it like a the next ten or so days lounging around gritty dust scooped from the gassy sea
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island with only a single bottle of water to fight

had built comfy sun loungers from histropalm

holiday. It was actually quite fabulous; we spent drinking mud shakes made of frozen clumps of

 A tall glass wide enough to hold your mud ball, preferably one with a lid. Although if you do not own one, cling film should work fine.
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 Enough mud for a generous scoop in each Enough spit to fill the remainder of your mug. A handful of garden grit and dirt. float you wish to make.

It will take a few hours for the mud balls to freeze. Therefore it may be worth keeping a few in the freezer ready for when you would next like a float.

Roll and squish your mud into a ball shape Drop the mud ball into a tall glass, then add your grit and dirt and fill the remaining space with spit. and freeze until solid.

Cover well and shake until your float is bubbly and frothy.

 Add a straw and a slice of lemon to the rim of the glass for the posh touch - Guzzle down!

- Mud floats go down great with a scab sarnie or slobber salad on a hot summers afternoon.

- Add a layer of ants to your Mud float for that extra crunchy taste to accompany the dirt.

If spits not really your favourite then swap it Grandma soaks her false-teeth in. add a tangy zing to the flavour.

for old bath water, or even the water your Both are extremely easy to collect and really

I had been exploring Pluto and its moons with a

friend, Sasaranoira, a Hortaargian from Venus, when Plutos planet status was removed. Plutonians were furious with the rest of the hid on the small moon Hydra in a farmers barn

galaxy and all spaceships were grounded. We alongside shamoos (Plutonian farm animals that orange cow, though smell a thousand times worse than both put together!)

look like a cross between a green pig and an

I wish I could say it was an adventure but I would be lying. It was duller than a double session of math in truth. We spent most days

either sitting as far away from the shamoos as possible or fighting with Siestrills (Plutos vicious version of mice) for territory of a few extra inches in the barn.

At night we would try to catch animals to eat

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from the farmers ponds. We captured three

types, though it took us a few weeks and a few upset tummies to realise that tingasoos fish and sinktraos frogs are highly poisonous. So we Sasaranoira knew the perfect recipe. were forced to live on norsaru eels. Fortunately

Unfortunately norsarus are natural to Hydra only. Unless you are extremely rich and can eels for slugs, which hold the same slimy squidginess and chubby width. order them in, it may be easier to substitute the

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The bogie bolognaise is the human version of slimy goo with clogged lumps that oozes from chin through which they both smell and taste.

Sasaranoiras lastronia sauce that we ate. It is a Hortaargians tisras, a round bump on their

Large ladle

Large pan (and an extra pan with a lid if youd like warmed slugs)

A bowlful of slugs and a cupful of bogies in snot for each person.

It may be easier to wait for a rainy day to bring

out the slugs. For the wet slimy bogies closest to cold or runny nose (possibly from collecting slugs in the rain!)

Sasaranoiras lastronia, wait until youve had a

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 Warm the snot for 2-3 minutes in a large pan over a medium heat. Using a ladle lower the bogies into the sauce slowly, reduce the heat to a simmer and stir continuously for 2 minutes.

as this will cause the slimy exteriors to crisp.

Make sure not to burn the bogie mince

If you would like to nom your slugs warm, all you need to do is ask an adult to:

Boil a pan of water (add scrapings from under your fingernails for flavouring if boil. desired). Lower the slugs in and return to

escape and wriggle away.

Always use a lid, or else the slugs may

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 Simmer for 10 minutes, or until the slugs are entirely squidgy soft. Drain and serve immediately. Layer the bogie bolognaise on top and tuck in!

- Try crushed beetle garlic bread for a tasty side.

You could swap the slugs to worms for a slurpier meal.

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It was on Neptune that I first tasted a slobber salad. I had been staying in a village of extremely short Neptunian Moriarns whose houses were built on stilts. I found the reason for this to be the yearly attack of the giant Arstituous. Being the size of houses themselves and producing more slobber than any animal on Earth, the Arstituous are quite frightening not too bright, the stilts usually keep them from causing any harm to the Moriarns village. Once their attack passes the Moriarns celebrate and disgusting monsters. Thankfully as theyre

by sending down buckets to scoop up the Arstituous slobber and covering themselves in it. They then eat it daily, believing it will Arstituous.

eventually make them grow as big as the

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 Large handkerchief Sharp knife Bowl

Salad, any of your choice. better.

At least a bowlful of slobber. The frothier, the

This salad requires quite a large amount of

slobber. It may be worth collecting some from spare time and then freezing it in preparation. Always ask for your neighbours

your dog, or a neighbours, whenever you have

permission first.

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up the slobber taste, it is best to leave the filled possible.

As the salad needs to really soak

handkerchief in the fridge for as long as

Wrap the salad you wish to use in the hanky and place in the bowl of slobber. If you do not use a hanky the taste of

slobber may overpower the salad.

Using your hands fully squidge the salad Place the bowl in the fridge for a few hours Remove the salad and ask an adult to chop Squeeze any excess slobber over the salad Serve the salad upon the hanky for extra flavouring and smell - and munch away!
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hanky down into the slobber bowl. or overnight if possible.

the larger vegetables into bite sizes. and then lay the hanky on a plate.

- If your taste buds still scream for more, try - If anyone in your house has been sick blend them in with your vegetables. using rotten salad.

recently you could also keep the chunks and

- Mixing used kitty litter with croutons makes for an extra crunchy salad side dish.

If you do not know anyone with a slobbery dog you could always use slimy snot for a healthy green slimy salad.

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I had been hiking for close to nine days on

Venus in sweltering heat and with only the if it was this combination or a pang of home sickness but suddenly I was seeing bacon rocks I passed looked like sizzling bacon. Even slices. Everything was bacon! everywhere. My tent was bacon, all trees and my own fingers appeared to be tiny bacon As I sat sucking my finger on the third day of bacon fever I could take it no longer. I decided my shoe soles would be the best thing to eat, as fried them on a rock under a magnifying glass. worth it!

smallest rations of food and water. I dont know

they are at least the closest to bacon in shape. I It took two hours for each sole, but it sure was

Although I fried my shoe soles, Im sure your parents will not want to buy a new pair every
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time you have a sandwich. Shoe insoles will work just as well.

Frying pan

At least one pair of old shoe insoles. A crusty baguette roll. Butter. Half a bowlful of spit.

The level of tanginess grows with the amount the shoes have been worn. Use insoles from your least worn shoes for a sarnie with a powerful punch.

subtle flavour, up to sports shoe insoles for a

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in preparation for another sandwich.

Always replace with new insoles,

Soak the insoles in spit for a few moments. helps to stop them from sticking to the pan.

Not only does it add flavour but also

Ask an adult to lower the insoles into the pan

slowly and cook over a high heat for 2-3 minutes, depending on how crispy you like your insoles.

Butter the baguette while youre waiting.

Remove the insoles from the pan carefully, place straight on the baguette and wolf down!

- A little bit of sandy grit worked perfectly - Or try a classic mushroom, tomatoes and dogs nail clippings combo.
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with my sarnies.

If this snack doesnt quite stand up to your extreme taste buds use a mouldy baguette for extra flavour.

You could also try either collecting things that have already dried out in the sun or frying a partially frazzled on your windowsill. handful of bugs that may have collected and

highly suggest using sludge over spit. Soaking extra scrummy taste.

If you have access to a pond I

the insoles in pond sludge will give them an

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Booger burgers are chowed down on Mars for almost every meal and at every occasion. The Sztarps of Mars live on red-hot beaches the stars in Hollywood on Earth. Though with

and stroll around pouting and posing, just like one huge difference: the Sztarps arent afraid to put on extra weight. Rather than being all skin and bones, the Sztarps are famous for their jelly on a spinning plate and are proud of it! burgers must be. extra flubber. They are so wobbly they look like This shows how yummy Sztarps famous booger

Silver foil - to save your Mum any extra tidying up!

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 Burger bun.

Around two cups full of boogers.

Your favourite burger sauces or garnishes.

of your boogers.z

The only preparation needed is the collection

as it will help them squish down and stick together.

The lumpier your boogers are, the better,

collected at any time its always worth keeping to add to it.

Although

boogers

can

be

a jar and asking any family members or guests

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 Pour the snot onto the boogers and mix together. The snot will act as glue so it is important the boogers are covered in it.

Squish the boogers into a burger shape between your palms. Make sure they are apart when cooking. firmly squashed together so it doesnt fall Place your booger burger onto the silver foil Within 10-15 minutes your burger should be looking crisp and tasty. Remove it from the grill and serve straight onto the bun. away! and pop it under a medium-heat grill.

Top with your favourite sauce and nom

- The Sztarps nom these for breakfast, lunch and dinner, they go with anything!

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Try mixing the boogers with beetles. A crunchy beetle-booger burger has lots of nutrients as squish them properly or they may escape! well as a scrumptious flavour. But be sure to

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This dish was created whilst I was staying with a poor Hsyirayneian family of lower Saturn, an they had no money they kindly allowed me to stay with them through the months of the Skuutafques invasion. area surrounded by vast marshland. Although

Not many people know of this battle. It occurred when the Sluckgnoraatai, an army of warrior beetles, were sent out from their

kingdom hidden deep in the marshlands to grown too fat to float properly and so had

overthrow the nearest land. Their Queen had wished to move her empire to dry land. Unfortunately for them, they hadnt considered their enemies and so did not realise they were happily ate the entire army within just a few home marshland!

tiny in comparison to the Hsyiraynes; who months, along with the foamy water of their

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You may think that the use of toothpaste-foam and raisins would cause the recipe to lose flavour, however mixed with the earwax and crunchy toenail clippings they give it a real beetle taste, just like the Sluckgnoraatai.

Although if you have access to a marshland and marshy creatures you could create a dish much closer to the original.

large amount of nits, beetles or any other

Bowl

Spoon

Bowlful of toothpaste-foam. Clump of grassy mud. Cupful of cream. Dash of milk. Half a cupful of raisins.

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 Handful of earwax and toenail clippings (mixed).

The collection of earwax and toenail clippings will depend on your hygiene. While you can your pearly knashers a good old scrubbing! easily collect the toothpaste-foam by giving

You could always offer to cut peoples toenails in order to stock up on the tasty ingredient.

Mix the grassy mud, toothpaste foam and cream until it is as thick as you like your yoghurt.

Stir in the raisins and dash of milk, allow it Crumble the earwax and toenail clippings on top and slurp down!
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to set for a few moments.

- Drizzle phlegm or sweat and lime juice over your yoghurt for the perfect finishing.

If you would like even more of a crunch, try frozen flakes of dry skin and scabs rolled in mucus clumps.

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A tantalising read that tickles the taste buds

- The Jupiter Times.

If only I had scab sarnies when I was at school!

Erchnoid Szansard, Master Chef Winner, Saturn 2013.

If youre tired with your mums boring bolognaise or minging meatloaf, if you want meals with a bit of zesty tang Then this is for you! Hitchhikers Guide to Galaxy Gourmet walks you through seven mouth-watering recipes that will fill your menu from the moment you wake up until you crawl back into bed. Ensuring you never have to deal with a dull tasteless meal again. Plus with organic and home grown ingredients these recipes make delicious meals with lower costs and less time spent aimlessly wandering around supermarkets Your Mum will love your offer of help!

CreativeCookie Press ISBN 0-06-083520-2

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2.99