My Favorite Cat Jokes

These jokes have been collected from emails and from all over the Internet. As far as I can tell, they are all non-copyrighted, as most jokes are. After being repeated thousands and millions of times in various formats, it would be impossible to identify authors anyway. Occasionally, though, a quote retains its author, especially if they are celebrities, but the joke itself still is not copyrighted. Where possible, Ive left all quotes intact. The same applies to the photos Ive included here. Some of them were sent to me by email and some I took myself. Since Ive also seen many of them on numerous web sites, I am going to presume they also are not copyrighted. Theoretically, I could copyright this collection because I have created the presentation. But only the creative part, including the formatting, for example, would be protected. Therefore, I dont feel its worth the bother. This collection is totally free, then, so feel free to enjoy it, and pass it around.

Teenagers And Cats

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know what they have in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

One-Liners:
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom. Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice.

What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat? What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement. How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it. Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering. Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes. Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day. What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.

What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit. What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator. What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show! What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple! Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store. What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone. What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator. What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss. If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.

Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd. If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats. Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse. How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion. What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew. What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night. What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory. What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up. What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs. Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical. What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter. What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping. How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty. Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it. If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed. What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."

What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws. Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap. Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked. What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side. What is a cat's favorite car? The Catillac. What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower. Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury. What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb. Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark! Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

Famous Cat Quotes

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch "People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown "Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols

Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled by CATS! ~ Author Unknown

Why Cats are Better than Men

A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video. Cats still love you even when your hair goes wrong. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother. Better chance of training a cat. Cats are cute. A cat is never late for dinner. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags! Cats treat your mom with respect. Cats don't worry about hair loss. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 50 cents. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat. Cats comfort you when you are sick. When a cat sleeps all day, it's natural, not annoying.

A Cat Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"

The Cat Scan

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350." "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."

Going Out
A couple were going out for the evening. They got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as the couple go out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

The Cat and The Husband

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little knucklehead on the phone - I'm lost and need directions."

Nine Lives
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'd die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

And then there was Cat

On the first day of creation, God created the cat.... On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.... On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.... On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.... On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.... On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.... On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox.... Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen!

Cat Riddles
What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause. What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom. Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. What is a cat's favorite song? Three Blind Mice. What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?

What is a cat's way of keeping law and order? Claw Enforcement. How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it. Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering. Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes. Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day. What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you. What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sourpuss. What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit. What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator. What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show! What do you call four Spanish cats in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store. Why did the cat cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken. What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone. What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator. What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss. What did the man say when the steamroller ran over his cat? Nothing. He just stood there with a long puss. How did the cat feel after the dog chased it through a screen door? Strained. If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws. Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse. How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion. What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew. What did the hundred pound mouse say when it walked down the alley? "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."

What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night. What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies. What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?" It's raining cats and dogs. What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter. What is the cat's favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping. How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty. If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed. What time is it when seven cats are chasing a mouse? Seven after one. Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked. What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUTside. Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury. What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.

Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark! Have you heard the story about the cat on the tin roof? Never mind, it's over your head. Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted. What is a cat's favorite snack? Mice Cakes! When is it bad luck to see a black cat? When you're a mouse.

More Cat Riddles

What looks like half a cat ? The other half ! What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ? She had mittens ! What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ? A carrot ! How do cats eat spaghetti ? The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths! What is a French cat's favorite pudding ? Chocolate mousse ! What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby ! What did the cat say when he lost all his money ? I'm paw ! How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ? He has cat-arrh ! How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ? She's got that down in the mouth look ! What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ? An animal that puts you out at night !

Calls to The Pet Help Line

(Actual Calls to a Pet Care Hotline) "My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering.... how many calories are in a mouse?" "I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" "Does your dog food help with emancipation?" "What should I feed a borderline collie?" "What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" "My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" "Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" "Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" "I have three cats. Is it true that [brand name] Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" "Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

Cat Definitions
Aquarium: interactive television for cats. Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal. Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life. Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink. Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat. Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Dog: a cat's device for running practice. Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of. Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them. Human: an automatic door opener for cats. Impurrsonate: to act like the cat. Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two. Purrade: an organized march of cats. Purradise: the garden of Cats. Purramour: a cat lover. Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something. Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.

Purrch: any favored feline napping spot. Purrchase: anything bought for a cat. Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna. Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens. Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition. Purrpetual: everlasting feline love. Purrplex: a house with two or more cats. Purrson: a male kitten. Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting. Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats. Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear. Yawn: a cat's honest opinion openly expressed.

Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist. My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food. My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next. My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative. My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert. My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced. My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced. My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture. My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

More One-Liners
After dark, all cats are jaguars... Never ever try to baptize a cat. Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get a cat to pull a sled. A cat knows your every thought. It doesn't care. But it knows. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I will put shoes on my cat ...

Most people with cats, know they are being controlled. That's the horror of it .. Never try to out stubborn a cat. Thousands of years ago, humans worshiped the cat. They have not forgotten this... Whenever I bathe my cat, it takes an hour to get the fur off of my tongue. I prefer to live with Feline Sapiens, thank you very much. (picture of a fat tabby on a couch, looking at his owner) "My species domesticated your species..."

Cat's New Year's Resolutions

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I certainly must not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It takes FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.) I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human's bed while they're trying to sleep. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am. I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stays in the house, and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank. I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard. I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl. I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so they adhere to the underside. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now, like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!" I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

This collection was compiled by R.J. Peters, 2005. http://www.theproblemcat.com