1 Bittersweet, Piggyback Friends By: Lara Johann-Reichart From the kitchen window Jills mom could see the

three girls dragging their plastic sled to the hill in the backyard. The snow came up past the girls boots and it looked as though they were trudging through cement. They followed the porch light which shined on a narrow strip of snow that ended abruptly where the descent began. Trees in the backyard cast dark shadows on the white snow and it was in every way a January evening. Almost there, they chanted like soldiers as Ally, Jills black Labrador led the way. It was the same there they went to every winter night since they met in seventh an entire year earlier. The temperature tonight was almost below freezing but their desire for a thrilling sled ride on the dubbed Suicide Hill kept them marching onward. Its tradition, they urged, convincing themselves, Its going to be fun. The wind could have been ninety-miles an hour according to the determination in their eyes; really the air was calm but cold. While it was just a quiet night in the neighborhood, their laughs and snorts broke the silence. Ally panting filled all the lulls. Rachels giant, red puffer forced her to waddle back and forth and she sweated through her layers as she tried to keep up with the other two. Each leg of her snow pants rubbed against the other creating large swish sounds interrupting the silence of the backyard. I think we can all fit, Lily looked with hope at the tiny, ten dollar sled. Their eyes peered at the hill covered in ice and frozen over footprints from the day before. Minus Rachels jacket, Jill teased; Rachel joined in the laughs although her face now matched her apparel. Her mom had recently stopped packing Hostess snacks in her lunch box.

2 Earlier in the day they scrounged around Lilys older sisters Pontiac in search of spare change. They found two dollars in quarters, but more interestingly, a note from her friend Macy that was passed during homeroom, and a pack of cigarettes. After reading the note they were disappointed with the lack of deep, dark secrets and the excess of jokes about Mr. Neimanns bald spot. They quickly snatched up the quarters and Pal Mal menthols like the Grinch and raced into Lilys room to break her piggy bank. I cant believe you still have one of these. Lily shrugged in response, not exactly embarrassed but disappointed her room was decorated with piggy banks and stuffed animals, not posters of bands and an incense burner. Her sister had an incense burner she bought at Claires Accessories in the mall. Her room across the hall looked and smelled in every way seventeen. There has to be at least twenty dollars in here. Probably twenty-five. Lily went to find a hammer. Jill cracked open the window, leaned out and held up a cigarette thinking this was probably what Lilys older sister did. What are you doing! Its not a big deal, Rach. Do you have a lighter? Her back leaned against the window frame and her shoulders relaxed, she brought the unlit cigarette to her lips and squinted her eyes at Rachel. Yeah, cause I smoke. Whatever, she climbed down and joined Rachel on the floor sitting Indian style. I need to tell you something. What? Pinky swear you wont tell anyone?

3 Cross my heart. Hope to die? Of course. I promise. Im pregnant. Oh Jill, Rachels eyes burst out of her sockets and her chin fell against her gold heart necklace. Jill fell backwards in laughter. Have the hormones made you insane? How is this funny? Oh my god, Rachel, just messing with you. Your face, man, priceless. Like, reallyyou know Ive only just had my first kiss. That is not funny. Dont be such a prude. Were fourteen! And its you, so who knows! In between laughs Jill asked with a wink, Would you still be my friend? Pausing for a moment of disapproval Rachel responded, Only if the baby was really cute. She cracked a smile. It was typical Jill to lie, but it was always for fun so Rachel felt she needed to lighten up. As they both regained composure she couldnt help but think what if Jill was pregnant and how she would tell her parents and if she would bring the baby to sleepovers. Would they still have sleepovers? When exactly do those end? Lily came back with the hammer and the three sat ceremoniously around the piggy bank. Lilys grandmother gave it to her three years ago; it was ivory white with indigo flowers hand painted along the side. There was a cork stopper on the bottom but Lily felt it would be anticlimactic not to smash the glass pig into pieces. Plus it made her room look like a ten year olds and she was having a birthday party sleepover soon and it needed to look fifteen, at least.

4 Put the blanket over it, she instructed and Rachel followed orders. Squinting her eyes she held the hammer above her head, then smashed it down onto the piggy bank. There was a large shatter and the sound of coins escaping confinement. They uncovered the corpse to find several pennies and dimes strewn between shards of glass. Twenty-fiveforty-fiveone, seventy-five. I count nineteen dollars and thirteen cents. It should be enough. Thats it? Lily, a bit disappointed, put the money in her purse. The girls carried the money down the block to Toms Convenience store where they picked out a bright orange sled for $9.99. They paid completely in change and strutted out of the store with their sled past Matt and Peter, hoping to make them and their cookie sheet sleds inferior. Where are you sledding? Matt asked Jill, and everyone thought it was weird how he was being nice and not mean but things like that were starting to happen. Suicide Hill in my backyard. Cool, can we come?. Maybe tomorrow, Rachel butted in, Lily shook her head yes, and Jill smiled and walked away with her friends. Maybe. By the time they made it to Jills it was near supper time and the sky was already pitch black. Jill could see her moms car but her dads was missing as usual. The surrounding houses that had yet to take down their Christmas lights illuminated the sidewalks. Lets go! They raced to the back yard; the hill was a dark abyss where normally theyd be scared to be alone. However, together the three of them saw the snowy blackness to be an adventure.

5 Braids sticking out of caps and purple bootlaces erased fears of shadows that played along the white snow. For hours, the girls would jump on the sled and slide down, to only race back up and do it all over again. They took turns, sometimes standing while holding the sled strings, other times theyd jump on backwards. They almost got Ally to go for a ride but she enjoyed running along the side. Finally out of breath and energy the three fell on the snow atop the hill, their heads lying next to each other in a circle. They could see Jills mom still in the kitchen warming water on the stove for hot chocolate. Thats the Big Dipper. More like the Big Dong. Lily Look at that group of stars, I think its Horizon. You mean Orion. They went on for several minutes reciting all the constellations they knew and ones they made up by connecting the stars together across the sky. Do you think Heavens up there? Like, maybe the stars are holes and that light is heaven or even past that? Maybe. Or just that one really big star is heaven. I think thats Venus. Maybe this is Heaven right here. Or, its all just a video game and someone is up there playing the game Earth. Maybe its just a kid playing a game in another planet or maybe its God or someone.

6 As they laid in a circle staring above saying everything they wondered, small smiles spread across their faces. Not big smiles or smiles like someone has in a year book photo, but a smile that happens when no one is watching and its out of contentment. Were going to be best friends forever, Lily sighed. Yeah, the other two agreed. It was that simple and complete. At fourteen every promise seems forever and spilling out your hearts and curiosities is always okay. Nothing seems silly; heaven or God or the Milky Way seem just as far away as drivers licenses and first apartments. As the three made their way inside to place their gloves on the heater as they drank hot chocolate, everything seemed like it should be and nothing seemed like it would ever change. Jills mom picked up the empty glasses and washed them in steaming water as the girls went downstairs to spread out their sleeping bags on the davenport. Her hands turned bright red as the window above the sink fogged up and the backyard was invisible. The girls laughter crept up the kitchen adding background to her silent night. Bittersweet, she thought.

*** Nothing changed suddenly but everything, except the redness of Rachels face when she was embarrassed, changed. Next year Rachel would stop wearing her BFF bracelet, she didnt want to be the last one to wear it and it didnt really go with her clothes anyways. She still wanted to be Lily and Jills best friend but she could already see them doing things outside of their group, she decided she needed to start doing that too. Lily began hanging out with a boy named Zach and she forgot what she used to do when they werent together. She sometimes got jealous when the other girls talked about their

7 weekends, but she resigned to considering them immature. Teenagers have boyfriends not slumber parties, she thought. Jill and her mom would move a half an hour away. The house was sold to the first offer because although they were no longer in the neighborhood Jills mom didnt want a bright red foreclosure sign to be a lasting memory. Jill never told Rachel or Lily about how her dad lost his job and drove away. She made her moms new apartment sound hip and exciting, not bare and in the bad side of a new town. She made her new friends sound fun and stylish. She didnt let them know shed talk to whoever was remotely nice. A new older couple would buy the house and Suicide Hill became overgrown with brush. That winter none of them played in the snow and they each bought pairs of boots that werent meant to wear sledding. Weekends were spent at dances or the mall, that year Jill didnt even buy a winter coat because she never was outside long enough to need one. Rachel and Lily sometimes sat together at lunch and Jill sometimes came into town to play against them in a basketball tournament. If it was really cold after the game theyd drink hot chocolate and catch up. But sometimes Jill would make an excuse that she couldnt because she wanted to go out with the friends on her own basketball team. She started to feel less guilty about ditching them when it became evident they werent that disappointed either. Prom came and went in separate high schools and foreign groups. Jill wore a sleek red dress that matched her boyfriends crimson tie while Lily opted for a sapphire gown and went with her girlfriends from homeroom. Rachel spent prom night in jeans and a t-shirt bowling with her friends at Lakeside Lanes where they never carded. They all planned to get lunch together the next weekend where they shared pictures and stories. It was fun to see how much each had

8 changed and who was dating who, but when they each left they sighed with relief. Catching up felt like a job, each girl trying desperately to say something funny, nostalgic, or impressive. Im going to Northwestern next year. Weve been dating for ten months. Im going with some friends to Miami for break. They each were exhausted as they each drove away and couldnt wait to be back with their friends that were up to date with their lives and had never dreamed with them when they were younger. They wouldnt plan another lunch again. Deadlines, graduations, and moves to new cities were often the excuses. A couple years later Jill really would become pregnant but Rachels jaw didnt drop because Jill was married to a man named Brian. Once Rachel and Lily saw the baby pictures online they both messaged, Congratulations, and Jill smiled but then quickly logged off the computer to tend to her infant. She was happy that people were happy for her but she couldnt quite decide if she was happy herself. She grew up, got married, became a mom, and now her checklist was complete. Complete, complete, complete, and only twenty-three, she rocked her baby back and forth. I am happy though, she thought, she was almost certain. Lily would take up smoking but quit just as nonchalantly. The first pack she bought were Pal Mal Blues; she liked the way they were long and elegant but she was tired of carrying around perfume to cover up the tobacco smell. But it was fun to smoke with her big sister when they would be home at Thanksgiving and stand secretly behind the garage. She was finally cool enough to hang out with her and she loved when her sister affectionately called her my bestie. Rachel would finally buy a figure fitting pea coat and discretely smile every time someone catcalled. It was black and it made her look like a model if she paired it with knee high

9 boots which tucked in the fat around her calves that always made her self-conscious. On a really lonely night she looked through old pictures and cropped all the ones where she was wearing the red puffer. Disgusted and embarrassed she vowed never to look at those again. The big questions they asked themselves now were: Should I go to Law School, or, he asked should I say yes? Video games were just an annoying hobby of their husbands and boyfriends. They only thought about God in the pew at Christmas time. And only Rachel could see the stars because Lily and Jill moved to the city. But who really looks at stars anymore, anyways. None of them ever talked about Heaven. Jill wasnt sure if there was one. Actually she was quite sure there wasnt. It wasnt science that convinced her, rather, how everyone spent so much time trying to convince themselves there was a heaven that did. They were all perpetuating around doubt, she wasnt afraid to doubt. She wasnt afraid of anything anymore because fear never stopped anything scary from happening. Lily only thought about it when her parents died and her son Joey asked where they went. Rachel liked to comfort herself with the idea of a place where everything and everyone was perfect, but she couldnt stop comparing it with her life so she stopped thinking about it. She had tried so hard to be a size six but still needed to be a four. Why is it so easy for some women? shed complain to herself as shed snack on celery sticks and eat broth for every meal. When they were all thirty-seven it was the first time they were all in their hometown on the same day. Lily was visiting her sister, Rachels destination was the mall, and Jill was carpooling her sons basketball team to the regional tournament in the neighboring town. Each stopped at the gas station on their way through; but Jill at 9am, Rachel at 3pm and Lily at 3:30pm. In each of their own cars with their own family and lives they drove past Toms

10 Convenience store, which was now a Wal-Mart. They drove past Lilys old house, which was now painted a peach orange that stood out against the white paneled neighbors on both sides. It was March so most of the snow and melted and the big hill was covered in grey slush. A toboggan was leaning against the garage, forgotten and resting after a long winter. As they looked out their car windows for just a brief second and saw the hill the same smile from that one night several years ago, was found on each of their faces. They didnt feel sad or happy or really anything at all but just content remembering that one time when they were best friends forever and it really did seem like forever and asking questions while staring at the stars was the perfect activity for a January night. Maybe the feeling was bittersweet; everything was wonderful but only for a little while. It was sweet that they had that time, but bitter how it was just those few winters long ago.

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