[INDENT HERE] Rose awakes in the morning to find Lillith reading a book.

She looks up from her work [Shes working? I thought she was reading] and asks, good morning, Beautiful. Did you sleep well? [Who is speaking here? Rose? Lillith? This is very unclear. Also Lillith is generally spelled Lilith, but Ill give you the creative license.] [Paragraph breaks between dialogues dont forget!] [INDENT HERE] Rose smiles [they need to have some sort of physical movement and expression, not to only boost your word count, but to make your novel interesting], I slept really well and the baby did as well. [You get a well, you get a well, everyone gets a well! Consider something like and so did the baby instead.] [INDENT HERE] Thats good, Sweetheart, says Lillith. [Perhaps consider filling in your story more so it isnt back-to-back dialogue, as it just reads messy and rushed ex. Thats good, sweetheart, says Lillith, as she places her book on the coffee table and Give me a little imagination, here!] [INDENT HERE] Ya (Yes), Rose says. [Okay, are Rose and Lillith only capable of short, stuttered sentences? Also, what are they physically doing? Right now Im imagining them staring at each other

with completely blank faces while being completely still they sound boring, I wouldnt want to hang out with them. They need actions to go along with their dialogue.] [INDENT HERE] Lillith asks, Is Essence kicking you again? Thats good, Sweetheart. [??? who says this? Is it Lillith? Where are your quotations? Why didnt she wait for Rose to answer her? Is she psychic? Thats very rude to just assume.] [INDENT HERE] Ya [refrain from using ya and other similar slang] she is, Rose says. Rose asks [this is not necessary phrasing such as this reads as very awkward] You want to feel her kick sweetheart? [INDENT HERE] Lillith replies, Sure Id love to. Rose takes her hands and places Lilliths on top of hers as Raven [who the hell is Raven? What is this G-d babys name? Or is Raven someone else in the apartment thats standing there kicking this poor couple?] kicks. Lillith gets a bit [awkward] startled [Why would she be startled? Shouldnt Lilliths hands be on Roses belly, and not just her hands? Maybe Rose has really dry hands and Lillith wants her to moisturize is that why shes startled? Clarify. And for that matter who would be startled at

their baby kicking? Startled equates with unexpected and scared perhaps use a word like awestruck to better express what an expecting parent would be feeling in this moment. You need to rephrase this whole paragraph.] and then looks up at Rose. [INDENT HERE] [no] Rose [looks to Lillith and] says, well, [try to not start out sentences with well] Hun [Im just thinking of Attila the Hun, here - unrelated] we better get up and [repetitive] should get ready for our Dr.s [No abbreviations, please] appointment this afternoon. [Why do they need to get ready now? I thought it was the morning? By the amount of action and dialogue that has happened so far, Im assuming it has only been about twelve seconds they have plenty of time to relax.] [INDENT HERE] Lillith replies, Ok Sweetheart, do you want me to make you some food for the baby while you shower? [Why make food for the baby? I mean, I understand the sentiment, Youre eating for two now!, but this just sounds awkward and its confusing. Is there another child somewhere? Im assuming not since Lillith was so frightened of the baby kicking surely she is entirely unfamiliar with pregnancy, she should watch The Business of Being Born.]

[INDENT HERE] Rose says, Sure, Sweetheart, as she gets up and gets out some sweats and a t-shirt [from the bedroom/closet/dresser/fridge? You need to really pad out your writing, your paragraphs are way too short details are important!]. [INDENT HERE] Lillith goes into the kitchen and grabs an apron hanging on the wall and besides cooking me some pancakes and some fruit [??? what just happened here?]. Rose gets out of the shower, then dries off, and puts a towel over her and covers herself with a towel as she walks across the hall into her and Lilliths bedroom with her hands on her tummy [juvenile]. I get dressed [are you switching tenses in the middle of the story? Are you Rose now? Are you a third person hiding in the apartment? Should the authorities be notified? If so, Im hooked! If not, try to be more consistent.] and walk into the kitchen to find Lillith wearing a sexy black apron [how is this apron sexy? Im genuinely curious, does it have holes cut in the chest area so her breasts are able to be seen ala Regina George?] . Lillith says [awkward and clippy consider something like, Untying her titless apron, Lillith faces me/Rose/whoever you are and says], Hey Sweetheart, did you have a good shower?

[INDENT HERE] Rose replies [again, clippy also you changed your tenses again], Ya [no] I did my firework [huh?? Is firework some sort of weird pregnancy exercise? Is Lillith Roses Firework? Clarify.]. Lillith puts down my food [tense change] on the table. and says [INDENT HERE] Dont forget to take your prenatal vitamins, Lillith tells Rose/me/whoever. [INDENT HERE] Rose replies [choppy- another tense change, seriously??], Ok I wont, Hun. As Rose finishes eating, she feels Lil [Who?? Is Lillith kicking Rose? Whats going on? Why are so many people kicking Rose?] kicking and says out loud [redundant, obviously she/you is speaking out loud], Wow someone must be hungry this morning my little baby thats ok I am eating for two after all [run-on sentence awkward, and your clich is very predictable, as evidenced by my earlier comments]. Rose takes her prenatal vitamin and notices it has a bad aftertaste. Oh well, Rose says to herself, it is helping little Essence Rose. [What a cliffhanger! Noticing something usually implies that its new and has never been experienced before. Is it poisoned? Good I like this development!] Rose gets up from the

table, and quickly does cleans her dishes before sitting putting them in the dishwasher as she goes to sit down on the couch and to relax for a while. Rose sits down on the couch and [We have already established that she/you has sat down on the couch repetitive] turns on her favorite TV show House MD her favorite [So youre telling me that House MD is her/your favorite? Repetitive]. She watches House MD [Again, repetitive, you dont need to remind us that shes watching House, its one of the most recognizable television programs airing today] for a while, laughing along with the show. She [INDENT HERE] Rose/I decides to lie back for a while and relax [we have already established that she/you is relaxing repetitive] as Lillith comes out of the bathroom [Has Lillith been in the bathroom this entire time? Does she have IBS? Maybe Lillith needs to be the one going to the doctor today] Lillith and says, hi Sweetheart, enjoying yourself, I see. [This is kind of a menacing thing to say, dont you think?] [INDENT HERE] Rose replies [you really need to expand your vocabulary], Ya [STOP SAYING YA] Hon [is it Hon or Hun? BE CONSISTENT!], how was your shower? [So thats where she

was. Im glad she doesnt have IBS, but you cant just sneak a shower up on somebody like that!] [INDENT HERE] Lillith says, good Sweetheart, did you finish your food? [INDENT HERE] She says, Ya I did I put my dishes in the dishwasher. Rose/me nods her head to signify to Lillith that she finished her food, I cleaned up the kitchen, too Im feeling ok my ankles are a bit swollen though. [Im just going to ignore the fact that this was a totally unprompted answer on Roses/your part pregnancy hormones, maybe, I hear they tend to complain a lot.] [INDENT HERE] Well Come on Sweetheart, its almost noon and your appointment is at 12:30 [spell out your times]. [Seriously? Your time tables just dont add up they/you woke up in the morning (implying anywhere between six-nine A.M., theyve/youve done virtually nothing, and yet its almost noon? I think the most physically straining thing either of these two have done is put down a book. There needs to be more dialogue and action for me to actually care about these two fucking losers] [INDENT HERE] Ok Hon, [consistency] why dont will you

drive? My keys should be in my purse. Lillith goes to find and finds my [tense change] keys;, [this semicolon does not make you appear smart it does not fit here] and after retrieving she finds them she kisses me and helps me off the couch and kisses my/Roses forehead. We/Rose and Lillith are both smiling as they join hands during their/our walk to the car. holding my hand as we walk out to the car. We get Climbing into the car, and we/they put on our seat belts, and as we she drives, Lillith has rests her right one hand on my tummy [anyone who says the word tummy is not mature enough to have a baby come out of said tummy] and feels to feel little Lil [okay so what the fuck are you naming this fucking kid Jesus fuck is it Essence Rose (really?) Raven (edgy), or Little Lillith? This kid is going to have major fucking issues I can tell I dont even fucking know who you are anymore and Im getting so G-d irritated Christ I dont want to do this anymore] kick. You feel that babe, Rose [YOU CHANGED YOUR FUCKING TENSES AGAIN] asks. [INDENT HERE] Lillith replies [YOUR WRITING IS SO FUCKING BORING], I did Sweetheart [IM SO SICK OF THE FUCKING SWEETHEARTS YOUVE RUINED THAT WORD

FOR ME FOREVER] sorta [SORTA ISNT A REAL WORD STOP USING FAKE WORDS FOR YOUR NOVEL] feels weird doesnt it? [INDENT HERE]Ya [JESUS CHRIST] it does sorta [OMG] Rose replies. [INDENT HERE] We [OH MY GOD WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ARE YOU THE FUCKING NARRATOR OR ARE YOU A CHARACTER MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND I CANT EVEN HANDLE THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW] arrive at the Dr. [SPELL OUT YOUR WORDS, HOLY SHIT] and the nurse takes both Lillith and I into the exam room and says, the Dr. [OMG] will be with you momentarily. [GEE, THANKS NURSE, YOU WERE SO HELPFUL, GLAD YOU GOT A MENTION IN THIS NOVEL BECAUSE YOURE OBVIOUSLY A REALLY IMPORTANT PART OF THIS NOVEL] I pull up my shirt as the Dr. [Seriously, doctor. Spell it with me D-O-C-T-O-R. DOCTOR. Also, doctors dont generally perform ultrasounds, do they? Isnt that what an ultrasound technician is for? We dont want to put them out of work, here. Anyway, when did the doctor even get here?] comes into the room and puts some gel [what

kind of gel? Lube? Mayonnaise? Clear toothpaste? At least tell me she has the courtesy to warm it up first] on my tummy [Ha-ha, I say tummy because Im five years old! You should never write again, btw]. Lillith holds my hands [she holds both of your hands? Like, over your head? This reminds me of when I got my first tattoo it was also on my tummy, and I had also taken a shower that day] as the Dr. [fuck you] Starts to scan for the baby. She finds her heart rate as Lillith and I both jump [again, why? You two are easily fucking spooked, its annoying]. [INDENT HERE] We look [at what?] as the Dr. [I hate you] says, Congratulations, youre having a girl! [I thought you already knew this since your poor fucking baby has FOUR DIFFERENT GIRLS NAMES] Lillith and I are really happy and she kisses Rose [did you seriously change tenses in the same fucking sentence I cant handle it this fucking story is just one giant clusterfuck and I hate you] out of excitement. [JESUS CHRIST] A tear rolls down Roses cheek, Lililth [great, now we have this Lililth character to add to the mystery pile of who the fuck is in this fucking apartment these girls need to fucking install a

lock on their G-d door or something] asks, Whats wrong, Hon [consistency]? [I just cant do this anymore] She replies, nothing my love, Im just so happy [neither of you deserve to be happy]. Rose was feeling more overwhelmed about giving birth as time went on [good], but she knew everything would be ok as long as she had Lil by her side [I thought Lil was the baby? Im so confused let me die, please] to comfort and help her in any way that she could.. [One period should suffice]

Notes: Kudos on tackling this very controversial subject matter! Essence(tially), what happened in this chapter is as follows: two women (pregnant with their first child- but I can never be too sure) wake up, one wears a sexy apron and the pregnant protagonist eats and takes a prenatal vitamin that tastes icky. They both take showers, which are given a lot of emphasis for some reason, the pregnant one watches House, tells the reader that her babys name is Essence Rose Lil Raven, they go to the doctor (Dr.!), find out they are having a girl (again?), and throughout the chapter the protagonist is having a dissociative mental breakdown. Is this intentional? This would be an interesting topic to revisit in later chapters. I can see the potential here an entire novel written in the mind of a severely mentally ill character. However, if I ever met your characters in real life, I would try and kill them, because they are very boring and I hate them. Keep on writing, Sweetheart! You can only go up from here, Hun!