THE FLY S.W.A.T.

TEAM

Written by /u/papercrane10

FADE IN. INT. UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS LIVING ROOM - DAY A Turkish RUG covers the floor. positioned across from a COUCH. A couple of CHAIRS are

JOE FULCRUM, 20s, hides behind the couch, breathing heavily. He holds a FLY SWATTER in each hand, and wears a riot-gear helmet along with a bullet-proof VEST embroidered with S.W.A.T. He brings a RADIO to his lips. JOE (into radio) Talk to me. Over. EXT. QUIET SUBURBAN STREET - DAY - SAME TIME An unmarked, white van parked in front of a large house. hear birds CHIRPING as we move into the... INT. UNMARKED VAN - CONTINUOUS Where PRESTON BELL, 20s, types away on his laptop, surrounded by ten different SCREENS. Hes BLACK, and wears GLASSES and a headset. Preston looks up at a SCREEN labeled FLY-TRACKER 3000, which displays the houses BLUEPRINT along with a blinking RED DOT labeled Fly, which roams across the screen. PRESTON (into headset) Target located in the living room. Threat-level X, annoyance-rating of 14. Engage at your own risk; this ones dangerous. Over. INTERCUT PRESTON/JOE JOE (into radio) Weve never dealt with a level-X before. Over. Preston looks up at a screen that displays a rotating DIAGRAM of the FLY on the left half of the screen, and a list of its crimes in bullet-points on the right half. We

2. PRESTON Reports show that this bad boy has interrupted two family dinners, one cat-nap, and three book club meetings. Over. JOE Tell me your joking. Over.

PRESTON (O.S.) Afraid not, sir. Over. Best of luck.

Joe pokes his head up from behind the couch and gets a look at the HOUSEFLY resting on the butler tray table in the center of the room. He sinks back into hiding, GRITS his teeth, and takes a few deep breaths. We hear his heart THUMPING. He then BURSTS from his cover, ROLLING OVER the back of the couch with his arm poised to SWAT. JOE (drawn out for an obnoxiously long time) Die, you bastard! He brings the swatter down hard, but the fly darts away. return to normal speed as it flies across the room. Dammit. JOE (CONTD) We

Joe SOMERSAULTS behind one of the wing-back chairs and grabs his radio. JOE (CONTD) (into radio) Strike one failure. I repeat: strike one failure. I need eyes, Preston! Over. Meanwhile, back in the VAN, Prestons eyes are glued to the FLY-TRACKER 3000, following the red dot as it moves about the blueprint. PRESTON Scouting as we speak, sir. Over.

Back inside the HOUSE in the adjoining DINING ROOM, a WOMAN, 30s, and two YOUNG CHILDREN huddle together in a corner, crying.

3. WOMAN Shhh...shhhh, its gonna be alright, kids. The woman then starts to CRY and clenches her eyes shut as the fly buzzes past them. The children SHRIEK and she holds them against her chest. WOMAN (CONTD) (through tears) Oh, God, were screwed. Save us, Fly-SWAT Team! JOE PRESTON, I NEED EYES! (beat) Preston? (beat) Shit, my bad...over. PRESTON (O.S.) Target has moved to the kitchen. Proceed with caution. Over. JOE (to the woman) Dont worry, maam. Joe turns to the camera, breaking the fourth wall. JOE (CONTD) (into camera) Im a professional. Joe winks. WOMAN (to Joe) Please hurry. Our lunch is in there. JOE What is it? WOMAN Macaroni and cheese. JOE (gravely) Good god... Joe crosses himself and kisses the crucifix hanging from his neck.

4. He lunges from behind the chair and CHARGES into the DINING ROOM en route to the KITCHEN, but when he passes the WOMAN and her CHILDREN, he slows to a halt. He bends down a KISSES the woman passionately on the LIPS. Her eyes WIDEN. When he releases her, shes blushing and all smiles. FADE UP: Royalty-Free song similar in tone and energy to the GHOSTBUSTERS THEMESONG by Ray Parker Jr. INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Joe rushes into the modern kitchen, yelling a WAR CRY. On the kitchen table sit two plates of macaroni and cheese. The fly lands on a plate-full of macaroni, and Joe swats DIRECTLY onto the FOOD, splattering macaroni noodles everywhere. He then swings to his left and knocks over a glass pitcher of OJ, which SHATTERS on the floor. CUT TO: INT. UNMARKED VAN - SAME TIME Through Prestons headset, we hear Joes GRUNTING, glass CRASHING to the ground, and POTS CLANGING. Meanwhile, Prestons fingers fly across the keys of his laptop. He glances up and down at all the different SCREENS. PRESTON (to himself) Do we really need ten of these? Preston looks up at a screen displaying a live-video stream of a YOUNG BOY, 10, spider-man BACKPACK, STRIPED T-shirt, walking up the BACK PORCH STEPS. PRESTON (CONTD) (into headset) Joe, theres a kid coming up the back steps! Dont let the fly attack him! INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME Joe swings blindly about the room, knocking over a radio, SMASHING a lightbulb in the ceiling fan, and BURSTING open a bag of FLOUR, which explodes all over his face and chest.

5. JOE (into radio) Im a little busy here!

Over.

PRESTON (O.S.) That fly is at threat-level X, dammit! It could take down that kid in a millisecond. Over. The back door SWINGS open to reveal the BOY, frozen, his mouth hanging open in disbelief at the destroyed kitchen. The fly flies straight towards the BOY, who is unintentionally blocking its exit to freedom via the back door. JOE (to the boy) Get down!!! Joe TACKLES the boy FULL-ON, knocking him flat onto his back. The fly passes over both of them and finally makes it OUTSIDE. It flies away. JOE (CONTD) (at the boy) Are you okay? (beat) ARE YOU OKAY?! BOY (dazed) ...Santa Clause?

Is that you? CUT TO:

INT. UNMARKED VAN/EXT. STREET - DAY Joe pries open the vans double rear-doors, revealing PRESTON. He looks at Joes hagard appearance and scowling face. Joes still caked with flour. PRESTON Mission accomplished? Joes expression then flips ON A DIME from anger to a widegrinned SMILE. JOE Mission accomplished!

6. CUE the same SONG from before that sounds eerily-similar to the GHOSTBUSTERS THEME SONG by Ray Parker Jr. CUT TO: INT. UNMARKED VAN - MOVING Joe and Preston drive through the neighborhood with the windows down and the music CRANKED. Preston sits shotgun. They both smile and sing along. FADE OUT.