www.talkandfeelbetter.

com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)

Contents
Page 2 Forward Page 3 So. . . . What Is Self Esteem? Page 4 Tip 1 Access The Power Of Your Subco scious !i d Page 5 Tip " Practice The Art Of #ood $eeds% #ood Fi d&s #ood Page 6 Tip ' Acti(ate Your Positi(e )hemicals. Thi * A d Feel +etter Page 7 Tip , $e(elop A Attitude Of #ratitude Page 8 Tip - .isuali/e Your Wa0 To Self Esteem Page 9 Tip 1 2i(e A 2ife Of 2au3hter Page 10 Tip 4 +ecome Your Ow +est Frie d Page 11 Tip 5 2i(e I The Prese t% There Is 6owhere Else Page 12 Tip 7 $e(elop The S*ill Of Empath0 Page 13 Tip 18 Accept All )omplime ts With Tha *s

www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)

Ten Ways To Greater Self Esteem Forward

Hi, I have worked in the field of counselling and coaching for some time now, and I am always amazed at the God given ability we humans have to improve our lives for the better. There has been great philosophical debate throughout the centuries, as to 'why we are here', and 'what life is about'. In simple terms, people of all walks of life have fundamentally come to the same conclusion. That is, we are here to make what we can of life, to lead meaningful relationships, to reproduce, and master areas of our own choice. Happiness is an achievement we can come to know and love, through improving our thoughts and beliefs about the world and each other.

aybe you are reading this book because you wish to improve your own self esteem, if so I am !uite sure the things you shall learn about will help you greatly. aybe you are reading this book because you have things going on in your life which you are struggling with. If this is the case then please do read on, as I know the ideas you will get from this book will have some benefit to you both emotionally and psychologically. "r, maybe you are reading this book because you want to feel better today. #hile I can not promise immediate relief from inner burdens, I can ensure you that if you are to take some of the ideas in this book and practice them like you would a hobby, self esteem will happen for you

www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)

So. . . . What Is Self Esteem?

$ut simply, self esteem is a person's own evaluation of themselves psychologically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. %elf esteem is mainly about the worth we give ourselves, how much we like ourselves, and how well we feel about ourselves. %elf esteem is something we have internalized over time, and has often been influenced by other sources such as friends, family, and any significant other figures in our lives. If a person is told that they are 'not good enough' over a certain period of time by a close one& or colleague& or teacher for e'ample& it is likely this person will to some e'tent have believed the criticism as 'truth'. #e can often be tricked into thinking rich and successful people have undoubtedly got the highest levels of self esteem. This however is an illusion. "ur lives can be broken down into different categories and, while career& wealth& and status are three particular categories& self esteem may be lacking in family, relationship, and health categories for e'ample. #e are all human, so it follows that our self esteem will fluctuate throughout the different changes and challenges we meet.

So. . . . Why Is Self Esteem Important?

%elf esteem is important because it gives you the piece of mind you need to appreciate your own life and the lives of others. %elf esteem, brings a person (oy& confidence& well being& and wholeness. ) person with a good level of self esteem, has the ability to live life (oyfully regardless of set backs. The good news is, improving self esteem is easy when a person realizes that she*he can take responsibility over there own thoughts feelings and behaviors. Improving self esteem is as easy as taking up a small hobby such as reading. +earning to do self esteem enhancing e'ercises will lead you toward a better and happier life.

And. . . . How Do I begin To Impro e !y Self?

,ou can simply begin today to work through some of the ideas and e'ercises listed in this book. %ome of them might be more appealing to you than others -)fter all we are all different. as you read through the information, become aware of how what you are learning you can incorporate into your own life. /e sure to try to rela', there is no need to be an'ious about the e'ercises. If you do feel a little an'ious though, remember that this is only because you want what's best for yourself -in this case building self esteem as best you can.. Throughout this book, rela'ation will be a core message which will undoubtedly lead you to becoming more self aware and at peace with yourself. $lease note, this book is only aimed as a complimentary therapy, and if you are suffering with a medical condition, you might wish to consult a 0octor who could direct you to a relevant source of her*his recommendation.

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T ip 1 Access The Power Of Your Subconsc ious Mind You effect the unconscious mind through verba
repetition! C ement "tone #ost peop e go through ife $ithout having any %no$ edge of an ama&ing inte igence born in to us a as a precious gift' $hich a o$s us to use our minds to create $hat $e $ant( )ur conscious minds are invo ved in processing our conscious thoughts through our sensory perceptive systems( *hat ever $e touch' fee ' sme ' taste' see' or hear $i be processed through our conscious minds( "o $hi e eating a favorite food $e are conscious y a$are that the food tastes nice' and $e begin to te our subconscious mind ho$ $onderfu the food is by continua y affirming it verba y' and through taste and sme ( #H)T1213 #1 4"5TI561 T" T1++ "63 %6/4"5%4I"6% I50, "63 %6/4"5%4I"6% I50 #I++ 0IG1%T )50 )71 T36TH "8. "o' in simp e terms' one sure $ay to increase se f esteem $hich has been proven to $or%' is to continua y practice verba affirmations $hich ead our subconscious minds into happiness( +o$( ( ( ets thin% about this ogica y and simp y( ,o$ se f esteem is a resu t of the subconscious mind being fed $ith negative and defeating be iefs such as- I 4)5'T, I' 6%1+1%%, I #I++ 51213 0" IT, 5"/"0, +I71% 1, I' %" )5G3,, I' %" 01$31%%10, +I81 %647%. -TH1 +I%T G"1% "5.. .he subconscious mind is a po$erfu ' it is $or%ing $hi e $e are as eep and a$a%e( /t is designed for us to ead satisfying ives' and has been responsib e for the great creations of man%ind( 0o$ever' far too many of us' strugg ing in our day to day ives have not come to understand ho$ $e can use it for it1s good( 2nd( ( ( be ieve me' the subconscious mind is ama&ing in ensuring our $e being in body' mind and sou ( /t is responsib e for a unconscious processes such as heart beat and hair gro$th( /t hea s our $ounds' reproduces our ce s' and grants us un imited creativity( "o' here is the %ey to improving se f esteem through the subconscious mind( 3o o$ my instruction' persona i&e it to your o$n needs' practice the e4ercise dai y' t$ice dai y' or thrice dai y and notice great resu ts 3ind a 5uiet p ace to re a4 a one' a comfy space $here you are not i%e y to be disturbed( Do not try this e4ercise $hi e driving or operating machinery( "it or ie comfortab y' and if possib e set the scene $ith some nice 5uiet re a4ation music (there is oads on the internet)( 3ocus on your breathing' breath through the diaphragm by pumping your tummy out i%e a ba oon as you breath in' ho ding it for five seconds' then breathing out again' do this continua y( Visua i&e being on a nice beach $ith sunshine beating do$n' and notice ho$ re a4ed you are( 6e a$are sti of your breathing and its ca ming effect on your body( 7epeat the fo o$ing $ords /1m fee ing good' / fee re a4ed' / i%e myse f in a situations! repeat this ten times as a %ind of u aby( "tep si4- repeat the fo o$ing $ords #y 8oy is $ithin me' / i%e myse f in every $ay' /1m strong! repeat this ten times as a u aby( Create ne$ and persona affirmations for your mind(( 2 $ays remember the infinite $isdom of the subconscious mind is a source of divine energy $hich can be tapped into at any time( 2 $ays feed your subconscious mind $ith positive hea thy thoughts by affirming positive phrases( ,i%e$ise create nice vivid images in your mind of beautifu scenes' oo% regu ar y at sunsets' c ouds' trees' and a%es or rivers( .hese images are great for the mind99

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T ip 2 Pract i ce The Art Of Good Deeds , Good F ind ' s Good :oodness /s .he )n y /nvestment .hat +ever 3ai s! .horeau
#any of us' ose trac% of fee ing good about ourse ves' because $e ead busy demanding ifesty es( "ome of us are that busy doing things for others that $e end up fee ing burnt out an unappreciated( "ome of us' are that busy trying to meet a dead ine or finish a pro8ect' that $e ose va uab e time $ith fami y and friends( .hen there are some of us' $ho are so burdened $ith current $orries' prob ems' and setbac%s' that $e seem to ac% in appreciation of ourse ves and $ho $e rea y are( "e f esteem can reach different points in different areas of our ives' and is a very interna concept( 6y this / mean that $e might try hard to create an image of ourse ves as having great esteem' $hen rea y inside $e are a$are of 5uite the contrary( .a%e for e4amp e a oo% at our 0o y$ood stars' or indeed our great 6ritish pop ido s( /n this current age of mu ti media' some of us actua y find entertainment in noticing the unhappiness in these rich successfu stars( .he truth is' se f esteem has nothing to do $ith $hat $e have physica y' or materia y' but is more to do $ith $hat is going on in our hearts and minds( /f you $ant to start fee ing good in your ife %T)3T /, I5#)30+, 431)TI5G %" 1 G""0 THI5G% ,"6 4)5 0" I5 1213, )31) "8 ,"63 +I81 )% 83" T"0),9 TH15 )4T "5 TH1%1 I01)%. / don1t $ant this to sound daunting' or too much i%e hard $or%' and' /1m not as%ing you to become a mirac e $or%er( .o embar% on this ne$ mini pro8ect' $e simp y set ourse ves some sma achievab e tas%s $hich ho d the same end resu t ,"6 #I++ 811+ G""09 0ere is $hat / did $hen / embar%ed on this mini pro8ect for the first time( / $as re uctant to to try it' but be ieve me the end resu t $as ama&ing( #y se f esteem $ent 1through the roof1 and / fe t great( #y ; an $as as fo o$s( ( ( ( p ease create your o$n( .hree good things a day $i suffice (oh( ( ( and don1t te anybody about your good deeds9)

<4change greetings $ith a stranger' comment on $hat a beautifu day it is ;ay a friend=co eague a comp iment on ho$ $e they oo% today (and mean it) .a%e a bag of goods to a oca charity shop and don1t te anyone (this is important) ;ic% itter up on the oca p ay area $here my son p ays regu ar y <mpathi&e $ith the ady in the shop $ho is going through a roc%y divorce Congratu ate the ne4t door neighbor $ho 8ust found a 8ob( "mi e at passer by $ho you find particu ar y attractive(

; ease' on y see my action p an as something / needed to do to create some 1goodness1 in my ife' the idea is for you to recogni&e that you can incorporate sma and simp e things into your o$n ife' to create inner fee ings of se f $orth( /t can be as simp e as offering a $arm smi e to a passer by' than%ing a shop%eeper for a %ind service' or pic%ing up the phone and te ing a distant re ative that you miss them( "tart no$ creating goodness9 2nd en8oy the resu ts( 2nd( ( ( ( remember to tap into your subconscious mind' by becoming re a4ed and as%ing it to provide you $ith the means to create ne$ ideas around 1good1 things(

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T ip ! Act i "a te Your Pos i t i "e #he$ica % s Th in& And Fee % 'et ter #ovement is a medicine for creating change
in a person1s physica ' emotiona ' and menta states! Caro *e ch( You are probab y $e a$are of the term 1endorphin1 $hich re ates to our ama&ing process of creating natura innate opiates as a resu t of doing a physica activity $e en8oy( *e a have $ithin us this abi ity to produce positive chemica s in our minds $hich $i ead us to a great sense of serenity and 8oy( .he foods $e eat and the drin%s $e consume a so have an effect on the $ay $e fee ( 0o$ever' for many of us' the thought of eating ot1s of hea thy vegetab es' fish' and $ho egrain foods seems more of a burden than a p easure( ,i%e$ise' to many of us' the thought of engaging in some good physica e4ercise seems daunting and over$he ming( 0o$ever this needn1t be the rea ity( /f you are not getting any regu ar e4ercise' start to ist do$n on a piece of paper some activities you cou d start doing ight y( .his does not have to be a cost y affair' /t a so does not have to ta%e up a great dea of your time( /t does ho$ever' have to be something you can rea istica y achieve( ,our self esteem levels will immediately soar, as you embark on a small physical activity which you can achieve. .o the beginner' the activity cou d be something as simp e as ta%ing a $a % around the b oc%( /f you are uc%y enough to have a safe' popu ated par% nearby' you cou d a so consider istening to a persona stereo( .his needs to be ris% assessed ho$ever( /t is more safe and sensib e to e4ercise $hi e istening to music' in a ight' safe p ace such as a gym' or a staffed par%( #usic and e4ercise bring more vibration to your o$n natura rhythm( .his can have a profound effect on your menta and physica response $hich is high y inf uenced by a rush of endorphins( ; ease do not be put off by the thought of e4ercise as a means to bui ding your se f esteem( .here are some of us $ho can not physica y $a % or do any form of physica e4ercise' due to sic%ness or disabi ity( 0o$ever' finding something $hich enab es you to be creative in some$ay is a so a means to get in touch $ith those positive chemica s $hich $i ead to higher eve s of se f esteem( 3o o$ these steps in creating achievab e se f esteem boosting activities ;ic% an activity of your choice' anything $hich you fee interested in or passionate about $hich is achievab e for e4amp e- $a %ing>8ogging>$riting>painting>coo%ing>music Carry out some research on your chosen activity' visit p aces $here you can practice your activity' use the oca ibrary=internet for tips on improving your activity ta % to i%e minded peop e $ho en8oy the same activity as you( ?se your chosen activity as your o$n bit of space' notice the positive responses you e4perience $hi e doing the activity( /ncrease the fre5uency of the activity' ma%e it a priority and a common habit' by doing this' higher se f esteem $i become a common response )nce you come to understand the simp icity of boosting your o$n se f esteem by practicing activities $hich he p you to fee good' you $i gain a greater sense of se f( .he %ey is to start sma and re$ard yourse f according y( *hether you have $a %ed the b oc%> or $ritten a poem> run a marathon or c imbed a mountain' be sure to re$ard yourse f $ith something you deserve(

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T ip ( De"e %op An At t i tude Of Grat i tude

.o spea% gratitude is courteous and p easant' to enact gratitude is generous and nob e' but to ive gratitude is to touch heaven! Johannes 2 :aertner( 2s% yourse f the 5uestion 0o$ gratefu am /@! and then isten to yourse f being as truthfu as you can( 0aving $or%ed $ith many $onderfu c ients over the years' many have strugg ed to ist ten things they cou d be gratefu for in their ives( "o' / cha enge you right no$( .a%e a pen and some paper and 8ot do$n ten things you rea y have to be gratefu for' these cou d be things from the past or the present( 0o$ easy is it for you to do this e4ercise@ Did the ten things come to you immediate y' or' did you strugg e conscious y reco ecting them@ :ratitude and being than%fu for $hat $e have' $hat $e ove' our specia gifts both materia y and spiritua y' is a positive attitude $hich has an ama&ing effect on our eve of se f esteem( .he truth of the matter is' you do have something to be gratefu for if you $i be open enough to a o$ it( #any of us have a human tendency to focus hard on $hat $e don1t i%e in our ives' $e are determined to d$e on things $hich cause us anger' hosti ity' frustration' and shame( #uch of this can be to do $ith our past e4periences( *e have been so over$he med by something 1bad1 $hich happened in our ear ier days' that $e continua y tarnish our current e4perience $ith negativity( *hen you decide to be gratefu for the things you have' you are ma%ing a conscious decision to i%e and appreciate these things( .his immediate y evo%es a sense of 8oy and contentment $hich $i add to your measure of se f esteem( #any of us ta%e for granted the beauty of a day' the b essing of good hea th' strengths and attributes' oved ones' materia possessions' and the free $i to choose our o$n ife path( #any of us ta%e for granted the f o$ of running $ater' heated homes' comfy beds' and an end ess supp y of the foods of our choice( .he Victorians $ou d be a very confused peop e if they $ere to g ance into their future and see man%ind in this t$enty first century( .hey $ou d see our advanced techno ogy' our abundance of nice foods and c othes' an e aborate $e fare state' and cures to many %i er diseases( .hen they $ou d see a ongside these great things' the doom and g oom' the tension and stress' and the genera pessimism of the today1s peop e( 6eing gratefu about the itt e things in your ife is the start to creating a greater sense of inner gratitude $hich $i ead to greater se f esteem( .o many' it $i seem i%e an unusua concept' to some it $i seem abnorma ( #any choose to be ungratefu and meet $ith frustration' $ant' and discontentment( You can begin right no$ to deve op an attitude of gratitude 2s day da$ns or night dra$s in' oo% to the s%ies and their beauty( ,oo% at the trees and the different co ors and in your mind say than% you for the day( ?se your heart to rea y e4press the gratitude' ta%e deep breaths and re a4 into the gratitude .hin% about a oved one and the imprint they have had on your ife' those happy times' their uni5ue character and beauty( /n your mind say than% you for this person( <(g /1m so gratefu for 3red and the aughter he gives me so often! .hin% about your AB inch ,CD te evision $ith Do by surround( .hin% of the impact this has on your en8oyment of fi ms and programmes( "tart to say than%s for the great 5ua ity of picture and sound you regu ar y e4perience( .hin% about a difficu t time $hen you $ere unsure ho$ things $ere going to pan out( 2 time $here you fe t a a one( 6e gratefu for the fact you came through it and the strength you have no$ gained as a resu t 6e gratefu for the sma things' a friend y greeting from a stranger' the peace of a nice 5uiet p ace' a ne$ person $ho has come into your ife' or the re ief of a person $ho has eft ( 31 1 /13 G3)TIT601 I% %" 1THI5G ,"6 4)5 /1GI5 T" 0121+"$ 3IGHT 5"#. IT 31)++, #I++ +I8T ,"63 %1+8 1%T11 9

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T ip ) * i sua % i +e Your ,a- To Se % f .stee$

Visua i&e the thing that you $ant' see it' fee it' be ieve in it' mar% your menta b ue print' and begin to bui d! 7obert Co ier 2re you a$are of the po$er of your mind and nervous system@ Did you %no$ you have the abi ity to e4perience anything you $ish to 8ust by visua i&ing( *e ' to start $ith then' c ose your eyes and imagine standing in front of a rose garden' as you oo% at the roses you can see their vivid co ors' sme their fragrant sme s' and fee a summer bree&e( "o( ( ( ho$ $as that@ Did you find the co ors came easi y' the fragrance easi y' and the fee of the summer bree&e 5uite rea @ /f you did' you have 8ust proven to yourse f that you can create any e4perience you $ant by using your o$n mind( /f you did not find it so easy' do not be disheartened( Visua i&ation is a s%i $hich can be earned by us a ' and gets easier and easier the more $e practice it( /t is important to earn to get into re a4ed states of consciousness $hen visua i&ing( 2 nice 5uiet p ace in a safe environment is %ey( #any of us again' have a tendency to visua i&e on negative things' $hich is not good for us' as $e immediate y e4perience the fee ings and emotions $e attach to those negative things( "ome of us $a%e up in the morning in a state of fear' dread' frustration' or fatigue( .he very thought of a ne$ day can seem i%e 5uite a burden( "ome of us $ish the day had ended before it began( <ver had that@ / %no$ / have had many a $a%ing e4perience i%e this( .he good ne$s is that' "541 ,"6 31)+I%1 TH)T ,"6 4)5 2I%6)+I%1 ) $"%ITI21 2I1# "8 ,"63 0),, "31 %)TI%8,I5G 31%6+T% #I++ 8"++"#. ,ets thin% about this for a moment( Can anybody e se inf uence the $ay you choose to thin% and fee @ Can your boss decide ho$ you $i thin% and fee @ Can your friend@ Can your enemy@ Can a 0o y$ood movie star@ /1m going to as% this 5uestion in a simi ar $ay no$- Do you et anybody e se inf uence the $ay you chose to thin% and fee @ .he truth is "5+, ,"6 014I01 H"# ,"6 #)5T T" THI57 )50 811+. "ome of us go through pretty rough times $hen $e are faced $ith situations in $hich $e have to engage $ith others $ho annoy and frustrate us( *e can easi y ose trac% of $ho $e are' and our se f esteem can o$er as $e strugg e $ith fee ings of anger and hosti ity( /t is during these times visua i&ation can be of a great benefit to us( 0ere1s something you can begin today9 "tart ma%ing visua i&ation a part of your ife( <n8oy it i%e a hobby and reap the benefits of a greater se f esteem fo o$ this simp e e4amp e e4ercise +ominate a 5uiet room $here you $i not be disturbed' se ect some nice re a4ation music' use cushions and either sit in otus position or ie comfortab y on your bac%( .a%e some nice s o$ deep breaths and c ose your eyes' as you inha e utter the $ords peace and ight' as you e4ha e fee the tension go out of your body +o$ imagine vie$ing your day on a big movie screen'each part of the day fragmented into chapters( ;icture bright co ors( "ee yourse f upon that screen fu of ca mness and peace( /magine that you are smi ing as you go to your first destination +o$ sti being a$are of your breathing' oo% up at the screen and notice yourse f fu of aughter' e4citement' and peace of mind fee in your body these great fee ings of peace of mind' fun' and confidence #a%e the pictures on the movie screen brighter' and the good fee ings you have stronger and stronger +o$ imagine' a things throughout your day turning out positive' don1t be afraid' see these positive things happening upon that screen' and fee the 8oy and greatness of the day /1 )#)31 TH)T ,"6 431)T1 ,"63 "#5 31)+IT, TH3"6GH ,"63 "#5 I50, ,"6 4)5 )441%% 811+I5G% "8 $1)41, 4)+ , :",, )50 %T315GTH #H151213 ,"6 4H""%1. ;ractice positive visua i&ation dai y and reap the benefits of a greater se f esteem

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T ip / 0 i "e A 0 i f e Of 0au1hter
,aughter /s .he 6est #edicine! ;roverb ,aughter has a great impact on our se f esteem eve s( "ome of us move $ithin socia circ es $here aughter is commonp ace( ,aughter is undoubted y hea thy and scientists have proven that aughter is in%ed to happiness( Dr 7obert 0o den in his happiness e4periment' high ighted that $hen combined $ith e4ercise' and positive thin%ing' aughter $ou d create great happiness in peop e( 0o$ much aughter do you have in your ife at present@ 2re you mi4ing $ith peop e $ho augh ots( Do you $atch any te evision $hich provides you $ith the entertainment to ead you to$ard aughter( )ne step you can ta%e right no$' is to %eep a aughter 8ourna ( ; ease' do consider this as an active $ay to improve your se f esteem( Carry $ith you a sma note pad and record ho$ many times a day you augh( 6e your o$n researcher and act as your o$n aughter consu tant( Do you have a favorite comedian or comedy actor@ /f so start to $atch more fi ms=programmes $ith your favorite comedy s%etches on( Do you $atch much te evision at present@ /f so start to cut out things $hich $i bring you doom and g oom( "top $atching the ne$s' documentaries based on crime' and soaps $here deceit and hatred are the drama( /nstead' e4p ore $hen you can $atch pure comedy sho$s $hich are your preferentia choice( *ith our modern .(V techno ogy' you might even be ab e to store your favorites and $atch them as you i%e( You are an ama&ing person' and once you come to understand that you can contro a aspects of your ife' you $i start to notice better eve s of se f esteem( Contro your abi ity to increase the amount of fun you have( .he more chi d i%e you can be' the more creative you can become( Chi dren are a $ays aughing' they are innocent to the negative $ays of the $or d( .hey are se dom interest in internationa conf icts' oca ne$spaper head ines $hich promote fear' or genera negativity( Chi dren can teach adu ts ots about they $ay $e cou d improve our ives( ,aughter is a great e4amp e of this( ,earn to augh more' and if you thin% you are a great augher' then approach someone e se and te them your secrets( ,aughter is an instant vacation from fears and sorro$s( ,aughter is universa ' it is custom to a nationa ities( ,aughter brings us hope and happiness( Do not attempt the fo o$ing e4ercise if you have a heart condition9 0ere1s an e4ercise you can try' to he p get you in the habit of aughing more 3orced aughter tric%s the mind into rea aughter from the heart' so start no$ to force a chuc% e using the fo o$ing- ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho( 2nd again he he he he he he he he Don1t fee si y but continue each ho an he C times per breath-ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho then he he he he he he he he +o$ give it some more $e rea y go to to$n bring it up from the tummy- ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho and again rea y po$er it he he he he he he he he Continue this for five minutes and notice ho$ rea aughter $i fo o$ each time( .his is actua y good for you and can inf uence better s eeping patterns *hi e you may fee si y' practice this e4ercise regu ar y $hen you are a one' or $ith a good friend=partner $ho you $i not fee si y $ith( ,earn to augh passionate y and from the heart #a%e aughter a hobby' remember that forced aughter tric%s the mind into activating rea hearty aughter $hich is good for the sou ,augh 2nd .he *or d ,aughs *ith You! and you gain great se f esteem(

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T ip2 'eco$e Your Own 'est Fr iend

first and everything fa s into ine! ,uci e 6a

,ove yourse f

0o$ much do you i%e yourse f at the moment@ 3ind a 5uiet p ace and as% yourse f this 5uestion and see $hat ans$ers you immediate y come up $ith( +o$' bui ding on that 5uestion ho$ much do you ove yourse f@ Daft as it may sound' these t$o 5uestions $i provide you $ith re evant ans$ers as to the measure of se f esteem you are e4periencing in your ife at present( "ome of us are not c ear $hat ove is' and $e a have our o$n definition of the meaning of ove( #any of us find it easy to ove others' but' due to unreso ved inner conf icts' $e strugg e to ove ourse ves( .here has been much debate over the true meaning of oving onese f( "ome of us $ho strugg e $ith the idea of putting ourse ves first' ta%e on the ro e of martyr' doing everything $e can to p ease others' but ending up fee ing burnt out and frustrated( /n contrast' some of us find it very difficu t to empathi&e $ith anyone e se' and due to our o$n fears and insecurities $e go out of our $ay to on y p ease ourse ves( .he best $ay to$ard great se f esteem is to treat yourse f as your o$n best friend( .his does not mean that you ac% in the capacity of offering ove' humi ity' and compassion to others( +o' it means that you earn to ove yourse f so much' that this abundance of ove pours out to friends' fami y' co eagues' and strangers( /n order to ove yourse f more from this very moment you need to understand a basic truth- ,"6 )31 )5 ) );I5G 431)TI"5 #ITH G31)T $"#13 )50 )/I+IT,. ,"6 H)21 G31)T 3I4H1% "8 T)++15T #ITHI5 ,"6 )50 ,"6 4)5 8I50 THI% )50 GI21 IT 8311+, T" TH1 #"3+0 /1m not 8ust ma%ing this up' this stuff is rea $hether you i%e it or not( /1m sure many of you reading this $i %no$ straight a$ay about the great ta ents you have been b essed $ith( "o' given that you are ama&ing (2nd you are( ( ( You rea y are)' start today to give yourse f the ove and appreciation you deserve( 6ecome your o$n best friend( 2 true best friend $i defend you $hen you are unfair y critici&ed by others' they $i forgive you $hen you ma%e mista%es' they $i ce ebrate your successes' and ease your burden $hen you cry( .his is $hat you need to do for yourse f( 3orgive yourse f' again' and' again' and again' if you are critica of yourse f or fee ing gui ty be a$are of this( .ry and immediate y create a thought $hich is not se f b aming( /f you have et yourse f do$n in some$ay' forgive yourse f and dra$ a ine under it( :ui t provides us $ith a esson from $hich $e can earn to ad8ust( .hin% about times you have forgiven others' the po$er that this forgiveness had on that other person and yourse f( .hin% of yourse f from this moment for$ard as your o$n best friend( <ncourage your friend to try ne$ things' defend your friend from the undue criticisms of others( ?se your subconscious mind (see .ip D) to start using positive dia og $ith yourse f( 0eres an e4ercise you can use to start i%ing yourse f more 3i4 an appointment $ith yourse f $hich cannot be bro%en' your best friend(yourse f) is counting on you to attend ( *rite the appointment do$n and stic% to it under a costs ; an $hat the appointment is going to be' something $hich $i be good for you' $hich you can en8oy sober y and do a one( ;amper yourse f' ta%e a s$im' or visit the cinema' $a % in some nice andscape' anything $hich fee s hea thy and good to you9 ,earn to en8oy your o$n company' ta % to yourse f (in your head' you might fee si y doing it out oud) and use appreciative dia og 7e a4 7e a4 7e a4' en8oy every moment of this appointment $ith yourse f and be a$are of your inner voice' a voice $hich i%es and oves you( 3ee the benefits of having piece of mind' be a$are of ho$ you can benefit others through your grounded re iance in yourse f 2 great $ay to se f esteem is buy becoming your o$n best friend( ,earn the art of discip ine' by $or%ing at %no$ing yourse f better and better(

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T ip 3 0 i "e 4 n The Present , There 4 s 5owhere . % se .he abi ity to be in the present moment is a ma8or component of menta $e ness!
2braham #as o$ *hether $e i%e it or not' much if not a ' of our unhea thy thoughts and fee ings $hich ead to o$ se f esteem' are based on past and future events( 7egrets from the past bring gui t in the present' gui t in the present ays a foundation for inner turmoi and an4iety about tomorro$( #any of us are that inc ined to d$e on the unp easant e4periences of the past' that $e attempt to predict our future in negative $ays( *hat fo o$s is a constant stream of unrest' irritabi ity' and fear $hich paves the $ay for a genera sense of unhappiness and o$er se f esteem( #any )f us in this $estern cu ture' have been conditioned into be ieving that 8oy and happiness are out there' under the condition of various things( *e say things i%e /1 be fine in a $ee%s time $hen / go on ho iday!' or' Can1t $ait unti ne4t year $hen 3red comes home!' or Can1t $ait unti the $ee%end! or <verything $i be fine $hen / get promotion!( .he ist goes on' $e have this habit of be ieving happiness is out there $hen certain conditions are met( TH1 T36TH "8 TH1 )TT13 I%, TH1 "5+, THI5G #HI4H 31)++, 1<I%T% I% THI% 213, " 15T I5 #HI4H #1 +I21. TH1 G""0 "+0 0),% 0" 5"T 1<I%T, )50 51ITH13 0"1% TH1 $13814T 86T631. Your present e4perience is fu of beauty and can be so much more en8oyed and appreciated' /f you $ou d stop' and rea y come to %no$ it( .he true 8oy avai ab e to you in each moment can be great y appreciated through a of your senses inc uding sme ' touch' sight' hearing' and taste( #any of us find the comprehension of the present moment something difficu t to %no$' because $e are unfortunate enough to be over$he med by our past or future( You have $ithin you' the ama&ing capacity to find greater se f esteem by mere y being present in this moment( 0ere is something you can do right no$ to appreciate the present( "it in a comfortab e position $herever you may be( 7e a4 your feet on the f oor and your hands on your ap( 7e a4 your shou ders do$n and ta%e some nice re a4ing breaths( +o$' $ith your ears be a$are of a the sounds going on around you( +otice every sound but try not to ana y&e $hat you hear( 7e a4 your eyes and be a$are of any co ors you might e4perience behind your eye ids( 6ecome a$are of the beating of your heart and the constant f o$ of energy circu ating around your body( 6y simp y focusing on the base of your tummy and your breathing' you might find a greater a$areness of the current moment( ,earn that the future or the past is of no immediate threat to you( You can be free from these burdens by simp y being more a$are of $hat is going on 1no$1( 0eres another e4ercise you can do to he p you ive in the moment +e4t time you have a mundane tas% to do i%e $ashing the dishes' focus your attention on your surrounding environment( 6e a$are of the fee ing of your hands in the $ater 2s you c ean each item' oo% c ose y at it' isten to the sound of the $ater' the scrubbing motion' the different co ored bubb es' the 1s5uea%ing and s5ue ching1 of the croc%ery :enera y become fascinated by the shape and fee of each pot' isten c ose y to the different sounds coming from the mur%y $aters ,oo% at every minor detai ' the sma est soap sud through to the ripp es in the $ashing up bo$e 6e a$are of ho$ you are fee ing' $hat posture you are standing in' the speed of your breathing' the beating of your heart 6egin to deve op an attitude of utter ama&ement at anything you $ish to focus upon 7emember' earning to be content and at peace in the present $i determine a happier outcome' regard ess of $hatever ies ahead( *orry is a prob em of it1s o$n and can not add or ta%e a$ay from un$anted e4periences( 6e free and earn to ive 8oyous y this very moment(

www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)

T ip 6 De"e %op The S& i % % Of .$path-

.enderness and %indness are not signs of $ea%ness and despair' but manifestations of strength and reso ution! Eah i :ibran( .he abi ity to empathi&e $ith others $i have a profound effect on your se f esteem eve s( +ot on y $i a greater eve of empathy have a great bearing on your communication s%i s' but a so' you $i tap in to a greater form of se f a$areness $hich is good for your body and mind( 6eing empathic does not mean that $e aim to get embroi ed in everyone e se1s prob ems( "ome of us have tried this and $e end up fee ing burnt out( +o' being empathic means standing by someone' e4p oring their o$n $or d $ith them for a moment or t$o' and c arifying that you have understood them or not( /t is a desire to rea y hear and understand someone e se( #any of us have no idea of $hat empathy is( *hen in conversation $ith someone e se' $e mere y $ait for them to shut up so $e can then get our o$n point across( .he prob em $ith this' is that other peop e sense that $e are not istening to them' and conc ude that $e are not open to other ideas( /f $e are not open to other ideas and $i not isten to others' $e cou d be perceived as being se fish' arrogant' narro$ minded' and genera y not p easant to be around( <mpathy is a s%i $hich $i immediate y bui d your credibi ity among others( <mpathy be ongs to a fami y %no$n as 1emotiona inte igence1 and is a great too in bui ding and maintaining ong asting re ationships both in and out of the home( /n fact' if empathy is at the core of every intervention you have $ith other peop e' you $i improve your se f esteem great y(.he main %ey to empathy is to pay attention to $hat peop e say inguistica y' and bodi y( *e ta % $ith our bodies more than $e do $ith our $ords' so $hen engaging $ith another person pay attention to their posture' and their verba and bodi y e4pression( /t is important to demonstrate to the other person that you are rea y istening to them ( *e do this verba y by paraphrasing the other person( .he fo o$ing is an e4amp e of paraphrasing' you can try this out $hen ta %ing to friends 3riend says- /1m out of my depth $ith .ed' he 8ust patroni&es me a the time' / hate the $ay he ma%es me fee sma ' and that damned irritating e4pression on his face $hen he be itt es me is repu sive! you rep y- 7ight' / sense you1re finding it difficu t $ith .ed at the moment' he1s rea y giving you bad fee ing!( .his is a simp e e4amp e of an empathic response( +e4t time you are engaging $ith someone get into the habit of paraphrasing( Do not over do it' but try to get into the habit of rea y istening to the other person and paraphrase occasiona y as best you can( 2 $ays remember TH1 /1TT13 TH1 )/+IT, T" 1 $)THI%1, TH1 G31)T13 TH1 +121+ "8 1%T11 ,"6 %H)++ )=6I31. #1 G)I5 64H "8 "63 1%T11 83" "TH13%, $1"$+1 #I++ 0121+"$ ) "31 $"%ITI21 )TTIT601 T"#)30 ,"6. 0ere1s an e4ercise you can try to improve your empathic s%i +e4t time you ta % to someone face to face' be a$are of their posture( +otice the movement of their hands' the speed of their speech' and tone of their voice .ry to maintain a good eve of eye contact' and $hi e you do ta%e nice s o$ re a4ing breaths ;araphrase the person by ca m y ref ecting $hat they have said "ense $hat the person is saying $ith their body' if they disp ay tension in their hands' face' or posture be a$are /f the person as%s your opinion on a matter' depending on ho$ $e you %no$ them' gent y touch them on the shou der by giving your o$n vie$ ;ractice this dai y and you $i improve great y at the art of empathy 7<#<#6<7' the more you practice the better at it you $i become' do not beat yourse f up if you find it difficu t to start $ith(

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T ip 17 Accept A % % #o$p% i$ents ,i th Than&s

2 comp iment is verba sunshine! 7obert )rben( 0o$ $e do you accept comp iments@ .hin% hard for a fe$ moments and be as honest as you can be( *hen $as the ast time someone paid you a good comp iment@ Depending on your abi ity to accept comp iments' $i depend on ho$ often you notice them going on( "ome of us find it very easy to comp iment other peop e' and carry on through ife putting others on $onderfu e aborate pedesta s( *hi e many peop e are very gifted and high y ta ented and s%i ed' they do not a $ays have the measure of se f esteem to rea y appreciate themse ves( /n 6ritain there has over the centuries been a custom to not be 1boastfu 1 of one1s abi ities( .he Christian tradition and perception of the bib e has often been misinterpreted' eading peop e to be ieve that they must be humb e' mee%' and under hardship in order to gain :od1s b essing( 0o$ever' these teachings have been interna i&ed by many in negative $ays' so that a genera sense of not appreciating or i%ing onese f has fo o$ed( 31 1 /13, ,"6 H)21 /115 /+1%%10 #ITH T)++15T%, %7I++%, )50 )/I+ITI1% )50 ,"6 4)5 4" $+I 15T ,"63%1+8 8"3 TH1%1 31G6+)3+,. *hen you get in the habit of comp imenting yourse f for the good things you do' you $i find it easier to accept the comp iments of others( / sa$ a ne$s story recent y' $here a brave man 8umped into a river in the $inter time to save a young chi d $ho had fa en in the $ater( *hen intervie$ed the reporter commented on the man as being heroic and bo d' to $hich the man rep ied )h it $as nothing' anyone $ou d have done the same!( .he fact is' not many $ou d have done the same' and this man1s bravery saved a chi d1s ife( /t seemed as though this man had an interna be ief that suggested to him he did not $ant to be credited' or praised by others regard ess of his bravery( .here is a big difference bet$een 1sho$ing off1 and accepting a comp iment( ,adies particu ar y' find it difficu t to accept a comp iment about their beauty and good oo%s( / to d a ady co eague that her hair oo%ed nice once' to $hich she rep ied Yeah 7ight' ;u .he other )ne! she obvious y found the comp iment uncomfortab e' yet it $as meant sincere y( I8 %" 1"51 $),% ,"6 ) 4" $+I 15T %I $+, %), 'TH)57 ,"6'. 6y saying than% you' you are ta%ing o$nership of the comp iment and accepting it as truth( *e humans have a very unusua tendency of grabbing ho d of negative things and c inging on to them as much as $e can( *hi e converse y' $hen positive things come our $ay $e dismiss them straight a$ay( .ry to c ing to positives instead of negatives( /f someone insu ts you' try to forget it straight a$ay( /f someone comp iments you' than% them for it and remind yourse f of the comp iment again and again and again and again( 0ere1s an e4ercise you can try to improve your responses to comp iments( ;ay ten comp iments a day to different peop e and $atch their response to it' ma%e sure the comp iments are genuine' +o point comp imenting for the sa%e of it *atch the responses of these peop e' their verba e4pression and body anguage $i be a %ey indicator of their response( +otice ho$ you fee as a resu t of their response' ho$ do you fee $hen they are than%fu @ 0o$ do you fee $hen they are dismissive or a$%$ard@ +o$( ( ( thin% carefu y about ho$ you $i respond to future comp iments( "e f esteem is something you can improve in others by offering genera comp iments' by doing this you $i a so boost your o$n positive fee ings( 2 $ays ma%e sure you are specific about the comp iment for e4amp e / i%e your ne$ hair sty e' the co ors' and shape are beautifu ! 7emember $hen someone fee s a$%$ard $ith the comp iment' it has an impact on the person $ho made it( "o' be sure to accept a comp iments $ith than%s(

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