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OTHER HALVES
Nick Alexander
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Typeset by Iolaire Typesetting, Newtonmore
Printed and bound by Grafica Veneta, S. p. A. Italy
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A CK N OW LE DGE M E N T S
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ON E
Hannah
I was in the middle of a family holiday in France when I walked
out on my marriage. Some would say that I could have chosen
my moment better, but the appearance at our holiday villa
of the man I had fallen in love with in my twenties a man
who unfortunately happened to be my fiancs brother not
only provided the opportunity, but opened the floodgates on
a tsunami of revelations that revealed my marriage to be built
upon nothing more substantial than a sea of untruths.
My husband, Cliff, had been revealed as a compulsive liar
to keep us apart, he had told me that James had died, when in
fact he had simply been living in Australia and my feelings
for James were rekindled with the same intensity as fifteen
years earlier.
But though one could explain my walking out of that door in
terms of these events my attraction to James and my betrayal
by Cliff in hindsight, I think that would be somewhat missing
the point.
What really happened that day was that my bubble of
steely self-control burst. A muscle that I had been exercising,
stretched to its limit in order to keep myself centred in the
middle of my life, gave way. The desire to break free, to live
something new, to change not this, not that, but everything
about my life became, in an instant, irresistible.
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suspected that this was bigger than Cliff or James that this
was about escape.
I ordered a glass of wine and, because all the seats outside
were wet from the recent rainstorm, I sat in a window seat
and watched steam rising from the ground. I thought, So, no
James.
I felt unexpectedly calm and strangely wise. It was such an
unusual feeling that I thought, as I sipped my wine, that I
might be having some kind of nervous breakdown.
It was a surprise, and I wondered if all the melodrama
hadnt perhaps been because I needed to be alone. As a wife
and a mother, day after day, you forget to notice just how
stifling, how suffocating motherhood and marriage can feel.
After the drama of the day, a glass of wine, alone, in an empty
bar felt like everything I had ever wanted. It crossed my mind
that this might be a momentary need, that perhaps I would
want, in an hour or so, to return to the villa to carry on as if
nothing had happened.
Jean-Jacques brought me a plate of nibbles and said
something that I didnt understand.
Im sorry, I reminded him. I dont speak French.
Ah... he said. Will you be stay ere? In the otel?
Exactly as he said these words, the door to the hotel lobby
opened, James reappeared, and my heart did a little somersault.
At first he didnt see me, and I didnt say a word I just
watched him and thought about my feelings.
Jean-Jacques returned to the desk and retrieved James
room key from a board. Jean-Jacques glanced in my direction
and so James turned and saw me sitting with my bag and my
glass of wine. He broke into a smile a lopsided, confused
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TWO
Cliff
I had moved into the spare room because I was angry. I knew
that I had been guilty of various transgressions, but that didnt
stop me being outraged that Hannah had abandoned us in the
middle of a family holiday. It seemed to me that she could, for
Lukes sake, at least have waited until we got home.
So I was too angry to speak to Hannah when she arrived
from the airport, and way too angry to share a bed with her.
And yet I think she took my abandoning the marital bed as
some kind of capitulation. She exuded a certain kind of glee,
as if perhaps she had won the first round in a war of attrition.
After two weeks of general frigidity around the home
and of Hannah discreetly leaving the house to see James, he
shockingly stayed over. He crept in late at night once we had
all gone to bed, but I heard him all the same I wasnt sleeping
well.
In the morning, I sat on the edge of the single bed and stared
at the pile of boxes in the corner of the room. When I heard
the front door close, I stood and quietly opened the bedroom
door. Leaning over the bannister, I listened carefully. I could
hear Hannah talking to Luke in the kitchen, the rhythmic hum
of the washing machine, and outside, the nervous whinnying
of a starter motor. I let myself breathe and headed for the
bathroom.
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with, indeed the only woman I had ever wanted to sleep with.
And perhaps, most of all, she was the only woman who had
ever made me feel like I might, myself, be attractive, manly,
loveable.
But here we were: it was falling apart. More probably,
it had already fallen apart. My brain was now starting to
accept the idea that we might go our separate ways. And
with hindsight, this ending had been inevitable from the very
beginning. Because with hindsight, she had always been in
love with someone else. Though I had lied and schemed and
dissimulated to keep them apart, I was never going to manage
it not for an entire lifetime.
If I had known, if I had had the benefit of hindsight, or
foresight, or whatever it would have been called back then,
would I have done anything differently? That is the question.
Even if I had believed that Hannah would have a life of
happiness with a worm like James, would I have let her head
off with him? The only honest answer is, no.
Because though it had all, now, so clearly fallen apart, that
didnt undo what we had had together. Hannah, and Luke
were still the best things that had ever happened to me. And
even with hindsight, I knew, if I were being honest, that I had
never been brave enough to give that up. Or not voluntarily,
at any rate.
It was nearly seven-thirty by the time I got to Billys place, a
tatty council house lost in a sea of other identical houses. Only
the junk in each front garden and the colour of each door
differentiated one house from the other.
As I was glancing at a washing machine, dumped, rusting
on the front lawn, Lukes friend, Billy, opened the front door,
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perhaps not against the door jamb, and thinking about the
surprising depth of conversation we had just managed to mime,
turned to follow my son towards the Mgane. As I drove away,
I asked Luke, as ever fiddling with his phone, So is Brenda a
single mum? I had never thought much about Brenda before.
Uh-huh, Luke said.
Uh-huh yes, or uh-huh no?
Yeah. Keiths in Birmingham or something.
For work, or ... ?
Uh-huh.
Temporarily?
No. They split up, like, ages ago. He stopped paying
something.Thats why she had to cancel the washing machine.
The mortgage?
A frown.
Child support payments?
Yeah, maybe.
So they dont have a washing machine anymore?
When Luke didnt answer, I glanced across at him and saw
his frown lit by the pale glow from his iPhone. Luke?
Didnt you see it? Luke asked, incredulous now. Adolescence, it seems, makes incredulity an easily attainable state of
mind.
The dead one, on the lawn?
Well, yeah!
But that doesnt work, I said.
The delivery guys were gonna take it. But she cancelled
the new one so...
And they dont have a car to take it to the tip or whatever?
From the corner of my vision, I could see that Luke was
shaking his head.
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to let her get away with it. Todays my birthday, I said. You
know that, right?
Hannah didnt flinch. This was clearly no surprise to her.
Youre allowed to buy bog roll even on your birthday, she
said, exercising her new bitch persona with panache.
I stared her in the eye for a moment, watching the emotions:
hatred, love, regret, determination ... They were swirling
around behind her pupils, vying for dominance. Wheres
Luke right now? I asked. My left hand was trembling.
Hannah nodded behind her. Hes gone to get Peter. Im
taking them both this morning.
Right. Well ... Good. I...
Yes?
I coughed. I dont think I can do this much longer, Han.
I said.
She exhaled slowly and, momentarily, sympathy became
the overriding emotion I could see. Then she steeled herself,
hardened herself again I watched it happen. Then dont,
she said when she finally spoke.
Dont?
Dont do it any longer.
Meaning?
Im all out of energy too, Cliff. So if you feel youre ready
to move out, then maybe you should go for it.
Move out?
Hannah nodded. Sure. Rent a flat or something. Have the
bachelor life you never had or whatever it is you want.
You know what I want, I said, hesitating between tears
and anger.
Hannahs regard softened again. It was like watching her
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said. So for now, I have to go out to see him. Once hes here
it wont be a problem anymore.
I snorted angrily. Do you really think Id let James move
in here?
Again, Hannah said flatly. I dont think youll have much
say in the matter. Not once youve moved out.
So you get Luke and the house, and I...
Dont get me wrong, Cliff. Im assuming wed have joint
custody. Youd have him most weekends, maybe two out of
three, and some of the holidays. Dont pretend that wouldnt
work better for you than trying to look after him during the
week when youre flat out. You know what youre like.
At that instant, Luke appeared beyond the frosted glass
of the front door, soon joined by a second blurred form,
presumably Peter.
Look, Hannah said quietly, all good-cop again. Think
about it. Think about what you really want. And think about
whats best for Luke. But something has to give. Because
youre right. These last few weeks have been dreadful.
And youre not going to change your mind? I heard
my own voice wobble, and hated myself for expressing such
weakness at a time like this.
Hannah smiled sadly and shook her head. No, Cliff. Im
not going to change my mind. So you might as well get on
with it. OK, look, Ive gotta go.
The second Hannah opened the door, Luke said, Peters
got a lizard! The buoyant optimism of his voice jarred against
the deathly ambiance of the hallway. Its awesome.
As the door closed and the three figures retreated down the
path, fading into impressionistic blurs, he continued, Can I
get a lizard?
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Yes?
Can I have a lizard?
I laughed. Maybe.
Really? Can I?
Probably, Luke. You can probably have a lizard. But dont
tell your mother.
Bad.
Bad?
Yeah. You know. Like, bad.
Meaning good?
Doh.
Meaning yes? I asked, glancing in the rear-view mirror
and pulling out.
I might get a snake instead, Luke said. That would be
sick.
I dont think I agreed to a snake. In fact, I dont think that
I even agreed to a lizard yet. I said maybe.
You said probably.
Youre right, I did.
They actually sell snakes and lizards in the same shop,
Luke explained, managing to sound utterly reasonable whilst
transparently pushing his luck. So we can look at them and
choose together if you want.
***
Once the decision had been taken, there seemed to be no
point dragging things out. The flat was empty and I could
afford it. The house was a war zone and my stress levels
were through the roof I had started to feel actual chest
pains whenever I was forced, by circumstance, to speak to
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So, you just stay here and make sure no one nicks
anything, I explained. Ill carry the boxes in.
At the top of the stairs, I balanced a box on my knee and
fiddled with the lock, then lifted the box again and pushed
into the flat.
It was a beautiful space a mini loft in a converted kiln
building, right in the centre of Farnham. The supplied
furniture was sparse but tasteful: brightly coloured modern
stuff that looked like it might have been from Ikea, but which,
knowing Bill, was far more expensive.
I dumped the box on the desk and looked around the room,
taking in the vast leather sofa, the huge TV screen, the sliding
doors and the balcony, and tried to imagine myself living
there. It was very much a single mans flat and I couldnt
picture myself there, because I still didnt feel single.
Has my room got a bed? It was Lukes voice from just
behind me.
Luke! I shouted, spinning to face the door. Youre
supposed to be watching my bloody stuff. My laptops in ...
Jesus! I ran past him and jogged down the stairs.
Outside, the car was untampered with. As I piled three
boxes up and linked my arms around them, Luke returned.
The flats amazeballs, Dad, he said, and my annoyance
evaporated.
You think?
Yeah. Its awesome. Can I bring the PlayStation here and
put it on the big telly?
Well see, I said. Now, this time, can you just stay here
while I take these in?
Sure, Luke said. I only wanted to see.
*
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By seven the boxes were piled along one wall, the car was
relocated behind the building and I was anticipating, with
not-a-little-fear, the moment that Luke would leave.
At seven-o-five, my phone rang. Is he still there? Hannah
asked without preamble.
Yeah, hes just leaving.
Tell him to leave now.
Yes.
I told you, I want him home for dinner.
You could phone him yourself, I pointed out, thinking as
I did so that this was risking a new level of conflict between us.
Moving out was changing the way we related, already allowing
me to take greater risks. But the line had gone dead. Youre
gonna have to get going, I told Luke.
He nodded and stood wearily.
Hug?
Luke pulled a face.
Please?
Luke rolled his eyes but stepped towards me and allowed
himself, rigidly, to be hugged.
I squeezed him tight, breathed in the smell of him. We can
go get a bed tomorrow, OK? I said as I released him.
I wish I could stay here, Luke said as he headed for the
door. Youre so lucky.
I watched the front door close with a sinking feeling and
thought, am I? I performed a slow, numb lap of the new space,
peering into each room, my hard shoes echoing on the tiled
floors. I thought of animals, pacing the limits of their cages,
and felt vaguely similar.
I returned to the lounge and sat on the arm of the sofa. I
was hungry, but I had no food in. Ordering a pizza crossed
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