1. A little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch public television anymore!

" "Why not " his friend as!ed incredulously. ""ecause it has too much sa# and violins!!" $. %%An &nglish politician is sent to 'e!ing. (he )hinese politicians he is to meet there offer him sightseeing of the city first. *e agrees, and when he leaves the hotel a guide e#pects him outside. (he &nglishman wants to tal! a bit with him, and as he is a politician he as!s+ ",o you have elections " (he )hinese guide answers with a broad smile+ "-h yes sil, evely molning."

.. What /uantity is represented by this 01 01 01 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 0 1 02222221 02222221 02222221 33 33 33 33 33 33 4, tree 5 tree 5 tree A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have 44, dirty tree 5 dirty tree 5 dirty tree 6ome birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that 177, dirty tree and a turd 5 dirty tree and a turd 5 dirty tree and a turd 8. A one%eyed man is watching a movie at the cinema. At once, the man sitting ne#t to him tells him+ "9'm away for a moment. Would you please !eep an eye on my seat " (he one%eyed wonders+ "And how can 9 watch the movie then " :. A man calls at the central office of the local ;oo. "9'd li!e to tal! to the most ferocious animal you have!" Answer+ "6orry, the lion is busy." <. =uller's >aw of )osmic 9rreversability+ 1 pot ( %%? 1 pot '

but 1 pot ' %0%? 1 pot ( @. What is the difference between Metallica and Mi!e (yson Metallica leaves your ear ringing, Mi!e (yson leaves your ear in the ring. A. A man !noc!s on a door, and a little girl opens. "*ello, where is your Mum " "6he is at the !itchen." "*mmm, and your grammar " "6he is watching (B." 4. An &nglish dignitary is sent to =rance. 6ince he has Cust had a course in =rench, he wants to use his newly ac/uired !nowledge but nobody seems to notice. =inally, one evening at dinner he points at a fly bu;;ing around his host's glass and says loudly+ "Degarde; le mouche!" *is =rench host wants to correct politely his grammatical error and replies+ "Actually it's 'la mouche' in =rench, because it's female." (he &nglishman+ "Eoodness, you =rench have good eyesight!" 17. An American tourist is in 'aris doing sightseeing, visiting all the museums... and a =rench friend as!s him+ "*ow do you li!e (oulouse%>autrec " "9 don't li!e to lose anything!!" 11. (here is part of a public par! in Me#ico )ity !nown as ">ittle Manilla," because late at night one hears repeatedly, "F)ora;Gn, a/uH no!" 1$. A woman from Bene;uela wants to buy something in a clothes shop in =lorida. Infortunately she doesn't !now what its name is in &nglish. 6o the assistant shows her different clothes, a Cac!et, a shirt, a pair of trousers... "ut the woman every time sha!es her head because it's not what she's loo!ing for. At last, the assistant shows her a pair of soc!s. (he woman cries out happily+ "F&so sH /ue es!" (he assistant+ "9f you had told me that you can spell it, it would have spared us a lot of problems..." 1.. (hree !nots enter a tavern in the port of "elfast. -ne of them goes to the barman and says+ "A pint o'beer please." (he barman tells him+ "*ey laddie... we do not serve pieces of string here, o.!. for I " (he poor !notted rope goes to its friends sobbing... and the second !not gets up coming to the barman and as!ing for a pint of beer. (he barman also tells him+ "*ey laddie... 9 told your friend over there we are not serving pieces of string, any problem with it " 6o the poor !not goes bac! to sit on the table. (he last one, being the most intelligent of the pac!, stands ne#t to the bar, frayes its top and as!s for the pint of beer. (he barman tells him+ "I !ind of deaf or something 9 tell I we do not serve pieces of string, which seems to me I are!!"

(he rope !eeps its nerve and tells him+ "Well, 9'm a frayed !not!" J9'm afraid notK 18. Math and Alcohol don't mi#, so... '>&A6& ,-L'( ,D9LM AL, ,&D9B& 1:. Euy+ "*ow much do these diapers cost " 6aleswoman+ "(hey are N$.<4 plus ta#." Euy+ "6!ip the tac!s, we'll pin them on." 1<. (hree tomatoes are crossing a street+ ,addy tomato, Mummy tomato and "aby tomato. (he baby tomato can't go so fast and stays a bit behind. When seeing that, ,addy tomato turns around, goes to the baby tomato, mashes it and says+ ")atch%up!" 1@. %%(wo old J"ritishK people are tal!ing about beer in a pub+ "(ell me, Willy, have you ever tasted American beer " "Oes, "ob, it's li!e ma!ing love in a canoe." "What do you mean " "9t's fuc!ing close to water!!" 1A. %%'roud ,addy tal!ing about his son with his friends+ "My son has a great future in the computer business!" "Why " "*is teacher told me he is a master byter!" 14. Why is the number 17 afraid of seven "ecause seven ate nine. $7. *oni, the daughter of *Pgar the *orrible, is on her way home and hears her mother yell in the house+ "6tupid! 9diot! Arrgh!!" ",addy must be home..." the girl thin!s. 6he enters and as!s her mother+ "Why are you yelling at daddy " "*e caught a magic troll." "9s that bad " "Lo! 9t's great! A troll would give anything to be freed % gold, Cewels, power... Oour dad only had to as! for three wishes." "Well, that's what 9 did, *elga," says *Pgar. "What else do you want " *is wife yells at him, pointing at three witches sitting in the corner+ "Oou could learn to spea! clearly!" $1. A man camped in a national par!, and noticed Mr. 6na!e and Mrs. 6na!e slithering by. "Where are all the little sna!es " he as!ed. Mr. 6na!e replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply." (he following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. (his time there were a whole batch of little sna!es. "9 thought you said you could not multiply," he said to Mr. 6na!e. "Well, the par! ranger came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!" $$. (here is a certain drin!s%vending machine at Aston Iniversity. (he original notice on it says+ "Any problems with this vending machine, please report to Qohn 6ummers 71$1% :$:%A8<<, not )atering ,ivision." but has been altered by various angry consumers to now say+

"MALO problems with this veRing machine, please report to Qohn 6ummers 71$1% :$:%A8<<, Lot%)aDing ,ivision." $.. %%Why is a woman different from a ') A woman won't accept a . 10$ inch floppy. $8. %%What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac A coc! that stays up all night. $:. What's a man's favourite wine "Why is he driving a 'orsche 9 deserve it more ..." $<. Who is the first man in the bible )hap 1. $@. What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly -ne gives birth and the other gives burps. $A. Eod is real unless declared integer. $4. "us error+ passengers dumped. .7. -ld programmers never die ... they Cust can't ) as well. .1. Why did the cat fall off the roof "ecause he lost his mu. Jmew S sound cats ma!e, mu S coeff. of frictionK .$. =lies spread disease, !eep your's ;ipped. ... ,id you !now that they played tennis in ancient &gypt (hey must have, because Qoseph served in 'haraoh's court. .8. Deal estate agent+ "Would you li!e to see a model home " Man+ "9 sure would, when does she get off wor! " .:. What's long, hard, and filled with semen A submarine! Jsea%men ...K .<. When a son said that his ambition was to drive an army tan!, his father said, "9 won't stand in your way." .@. (he detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blac!mail. .A. A fired newspaper editor too! an e#%press train out of town. .4. A small boy swallowed some coins and was ta!en to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to as! how he was, a nurse said, "Lo change yet." 87. An American tal!ing about his last travel+ "9 li!e &uropean food so 9 decided to Dussia over there because 9 was *ungary. After );ech'ing the menu 9 ordered (ur!ey. When 9 was =innished 9 told the waiter, 6pain good, but there is Lorway 9 could eat another bite."