‘THE IN-LAW PROBLEM m inlaw problem is one ofthe mest talked-about aspects ff mariage Te provider an endless number of jokes for ear teoniss, afterdinner speakers and televiton comedians Bat fray re or ha. mere ours te Inent, Marriage experts agree at the succes o lure with which young eoupies adja to thee icaws often the major Fete in determining the succor flor oftheir marie, ‘Whenever you come across a maried couple schin love aad strongin character you usualy find tat they havea se bond ff Linship with odor members of thei fanicn How many of ts om af large familia sl enoy the holiday or anniversay federations woth our weaty or thiry story brother, the esha ey en Ans acing ome ew frequent with advancing age, chy sl evoke nottalgie renin: fSemecs So the fequent vite nd many taephone cal of marred sons and daughters, far from injuring the conjugal tli fre mis pee a i aregh The te Wixtue a son diplays toward part very fequenty are Ulneted alo toward & spouse, People who complaint shout inlaws forget that they are ine laws tee, They eesnly do not seem to remember thatthe cane ml th ae genera coud es fd aunts realy n wonderful group to behold Even though ‘Americans have fst many of tht Taily tations and no Tonge ie pie he ly ne i aherementy te atest ose enough othe pat to vale the hep, suppor a Snurance tobe fn in case ts with so-called lave ‘Grandparents make wondefal babyesser and the’ small children doteon thelr attention and undertanding, But wally ‘nore import isthe conebution thst Uhey ean make to her wih other Blood relative, 0 a marie couple, scaly concmialy emotionally and igiouly,parsculry ines ef wouble. Flow many tedinary sons ahd daughters wath a fninimom of talent for the marital relationship of pareathoody fave not been prodded on to great accomplhineats in both {elds by the example or advice ofa parent or brother? Te ough w be remembered, ao, tat animosity toward in- lave Wein n amekcaccen ed tweener ay the ote chute of marital confess wel asthe personal weal fa abel and wis: Ad wile vives are more inlined to ook {ton motherinlawe asthe “other woman’ ature haben tao often are incosiderte ofthe atachnent Between & good tnother andthe good daughter who happens to be he oe Ghani brain a home bse fe need not be rested tothe fauples home. It ought to emtace the blood relives and “The fovegoig docs not mean, however thatthe so-called “gla problem” cannot be weriousA acy by Father Jon I ‘Thoma Sy. of 7000 enc f troubled marages whoa were tought tw Chancery Cours fr adjusnentrevened that ine nw were cedar imupive ator in iten per emt of te cons Another study of couple in Ue bary year of Snagerevealedtinschendy-weteapadeed ey parte tative to be ther major concern, The ini problem i {ratet at the beginning of marrage, when te Rew husband {Ed wie must cad their ependene on tne parca and beg fs enily independent lie of ther ewny a4 aga ech ite wages when a parent unable tosupport Hineelf snd ‘ere help om the married chides, The problem ean abo teat any the wen inlaws show a tendency to Inefere Soy way wih the marrage, Ne fla stoaton cam get ou of and 0 readily that cer tain rls shouldbe igoroly observed ‘The tos mporant Seth en yo marys your tstes est mast ayn ome ahead of those ofyour mother and inter, Seating f marsage, heise aught that “Por Us cause a man tall eae sai tnd mothe, ond cleave to hr wi, and the two shall bcose fue fs.” (Matinew, 19:5) For the reseny every coupe fhould make an independent if for tence. Thy shuld live thet own hore aay from parents o hat they ean ‘ake the many adjustments necessary to achive harmonies ‘on etc i Sometimes couples are anxious to marry before they can santa thes owe hme, They deige that they wl ive ih ese paren nt thy sve enough tone fo fish it fa place Experience aces tht ths extremely hazardous. The tours thane for happinn would be grater i they smoved into a fumed room. They should parpone mazznge Atl they ean begin thle together ander thr own rotLiving the ery year of married lie away fom the influence of parents is destable for three major reatons, Fist, very young couple needs a period of time do dat they can Karn to now cact other, adjust to each other's personales, and ev cide sch mater: an spending thelr income, shaving respons Utes an using ere time: They aze cally une to do this in the presence of inl for tly the vate parent reli gence contol ove so or duh ho mas, The parent temptation to tell them howto da things sot overviieiming--and the newly rede temptation to fete such Suggestions i equally dif to esse : secondly, married partner mst be able to pat into practice the jolnt decisions they have reached For fstnes they should be fee to come and goat they pens, et food athe ova choice when they i Tien their fo Sach matte. They may even nd themseves unable to speak {ovcach othe intially une they go to thet bedroon sa vhaper. Thos they are costly tated, ey, ving with inlor makes it mach to easy for one cor hoth ofthe paterson to Mother or Dad whenever thre Bradisagrcment. Almost inevitably, thn nd tenelves faking aes, ven iFthey Hine op Sgn thie own Heh and Bio uporie nda oe sughrsivim dh pa tiation vill be resented Moreover, he tendency 'o fun toa parent atthe sgheet sign of wouble soon becomes hab Tostead of evting es tothe parents the couple fd that fe cl independencesone in which they are free to discus and ‘econcle ther ifrenets “i denied to them, “Most newy-red wl elet ive by themes inthe xtc ‘iat year of areage, or an be persed that ting up thet ‘own household isthe best hing to do. Occasionally, howeve, 8 ‘an or woman will refuse o marry nls the ewe wl then Hie with so her parents When the parent are ally capable tearing for themicles, this determination ten conceals dlangerous inmsatrity~an unwilingnes t socepe respons "Hi on one The anor wore wo apo ag ‘with parent ser marrage may. be someone f Tonal olen wih eo he fling Yo sme, hologistAlewander A. Schneiders, PhD, tells of a young tpl tanod tee ys sad wi two elie, whe ee THE DC-LAW PRomEEA 135 refered to him by a Catholic ageney. They had been living part for eight months, and every sme they tried to discat ‘reunion, the dcusion ended ina feel fight, ‘After afew interviews, t esau apparent thatthe woman had decided to get maried parly because she feared that it she missed this opportunity, she might become an old maid, ‘fer the wedding abe had told er husband that they would lve with her parc for a year to eave money, Thee Tater, they were sal ivtog with hee parents and che husband bad grown to despite every member ef her funy, At thls pat iemoved into aparste quarters ‘The puyehologt concluded that the root of this troubled mariage ay in the wis fer oflenving home, Shed. want ‘husband t protect and cherish her; she wanted ex partner, allsing.qualisee though sation, the ‘esponsbiites of marriage betame overwhelining. The young indy wanted to nay with her mother, who would maintain & ome for ery and her husband wot expected to sty het wishes and desires ikea servant. Ate several mont often tent the cogple were pervunded to ive tgeiheragain—ut {ntheit own home, Thee they leared to adja to ech other ins way they had neglected to do during the fst tree years of ce ion. Parent inoue ancety tend to be overprotective toward thee smariedchldren. This resulta in to ude condions txcesiveintererene bythe al fll the lives of te yung. Ste and excesive dependence by the newiy-weds on the Dangers which parens and lose relatives should avoid in dealing with newlyweds tne: ‘Gung ups Some patents refine to let go oftheir children, snd make fequent pone calls or vito make certain thatthe few marrage procesing *montly. Ths conduct impli {he parent lack of eonfidene in thei hldre's abit to slve problems of mariage without oui help. The parens watts Hep-by.step report of what thenewiy-wedsare dolng and urlly the oldates? nexe move isto cxlteize openly orto make tnt Solicited suggestions which the children reco. Sach parents ist realize that married people want tobe eft alone. While is normal fr parents tobe interested inthe. children's Activites, they should aot give the aight indication that ty fre prying into the new we” aay ‘Meding tings way. Some marriages degenerate into & comee cece c ce cee ceca cee eee aeeieeeeieeeeet 124 THE caTHoLIC wanmiage waxUAL petition between the bride's parents and the bridegroom's parent o determine who can do mest fr the youngsters Her Tnother and father lavish gifs upon the comple; then hs pasena ‘ant be outdone, so they male even more expensive pres, ‘Race ion, Soon the new-necs are ving in state ef cary ‘whlch they come 1 conser ss normal. ‘hey are no force! to make the snciices snd to workout nancial probles which ‘ther maried couples fae. When the race ends aitinestabiy fm they ay find hat tey sy onthe ma Income alone. Sometimes the pampered pair are smable to Make the necegary sacrifices a the marae itl sues ‘What atstnde shod parents adopt? They should tal that young eps donot ei xno apn and a ‘marrage built on th scriice of material things often has the brat chance of succam, Parents therefore should. not ever ‘extend themuelves Lette eldeen deve a exe tative years ‘lt but which they have paid for themscves, Let them cata their movie-going tn order to buy anew sf, Let them spend thr an a vere ort which tiny cmd on their own income. By ding thing for themselves the young fas wil develops Sean see of eercanct. Of Couns {the meny-wedaze in actal want if they need help t poy ‘medical bile for examples parent who ean aifrd to id them would be heart ot co dose “Facing thon Ineo ‘ypical’parentin-law required _syentytive years or more to togsite thelr present experience, ‘Thay are emped wo tach thelr arid children al they know abou eildseasing and eilerearing. Some parents gucumls {2h eatin and ty so cect evry make tat they [imagine i bring nade in the apbingiog of tir grandchiter, ‘Other parents decide that nothing i eo good for thes rand ghildren, who can doo wrong and never require comecton, ‘They not only spoil the grandelildnen bu fea try vo prevent their own children from csepining the Hele ones property. ‘paral soloe ype othr sawtee io Conduct constant propaga campaign suns patent Tod, She felt her duty to expres oma when her daughter ‘oe daughter inlaw becomes pregnant forthe third tines she it all too ready ith unolcted Fecommendations for sri birth conte. Other parent may not advocate bith contol diez; however, they intl uch materiale pint of ie Intheir children tht i thelr advice were taken, conteacepave practices would be followed of neceiy, [THE IN-LAW PRoBtEat 195 To avoid the danger desrbed above, parents mast accept the fc that they ow cecupy second place nthe flection oF {heir marred cbildyen and that they are oatdes insofar aa the mew marsage Ss concerned. They might well recall thie ‘wn ety yeas of mariage when they to sou tablish ‘Chew ie withow inteferenoe. Fey should walnly give the fame opportunity to hr eden’ Parente aso should now tren hee married ehldren ike grownups wo ae capable of reaching their own concanons about the problems anda ‘hat isin their bet interest, Difficult as K may be to do at times, patents should ot take sen In argument If «son ot faughter reports personal disgreemetss the parents might Sugret gently thal daagremens oe confined tthe macrage. Sometimes tei eildren virally force parent oem to aes ff marital conf. When this Rappen parca sould try 1 py the role of peacemaker. Inthe Tong run the ine Felts to take sides vil win tespost for tiemucives and Wil ‘scourage the young couplet tive ter own problems. ‘When trout troubles over inlaws aro In @ mariage, ii af and that ‘the seven ne kat some of the hme. For example, they afen impese’ upon thar paren shameisly. Sometins doting grendpancats fd tat they have become perpetual baby-aiters who are called upon t care for thei yrandctleen ot only for an ocaional Eyeing but for long periods when the parents themieves ae off on vacation, GGrantipacent are often treated like finance companicy excot that they are not expected to want the oun pid. When frnedperents decide that iey will ot be played fr easy mark, their dilen often reaent he withdeayal of what they hae ome to comer atthe vgs, Ths eon Over Ina Frequently develope berause the younger people lack, the matt se he oom oats tn ret te arent” unwillingness to accept thei responses for tem Witte ncn shonld help» young couple over genuine souyh spots in marsage they should not be expected to extricate the Sounesors from every financial hole. Here asin other agpects tthe inlaw eelationhip, moderation must preva Whether you lve with your inlaw of ot, you should observe thes baie pnp tnt ae a of ou i and you mat eget ose ea, at lett opeaonally. Try to make your reatonhip 2 antl one. Bending over Sacha to veld resentment et “nyhing they may tay oF do wl help you enormouly to avid