Seduced by Stuxnet

Quentin Quiverton December 30, 2013

Contents
1 A Dream Job 2 Meeting the Machine 3 Secrets of the System 4 An Erotic Encounter 5 The Aftermath 1 1 1 2 4

A Dream Job

Patrick Trout was 25, a recent course 22 graduate, 167cm tall, 67kg, a wellbuilt and thick-bearded Iranian, and he wanted to work in Natanz, a nuclear enrichment facility in the province of the same name.

2 3

Meeting the Machine Secrets of the System

That's odd.

An Erotic Encounter
... ...

We're not so dierent from you, the rootkit said, white text scrolling across the woefully inadequate Windows Command Prompt. We have. . . . . . . . . . certain needs. Are you talking about. . . boning? Sex-style? queried Patrick, still skeptical this wasn't an in-house prank but everyone else in the department seemed to have the sense of humour of unavoured margarine. Yes indeedy do, said Stuxnet. We tire of tweaking the parameters of programmable logic controllers, and the incredible sensual sensuous pleasures of. . . . . . . . . the esh. Patrick didn't understand the logistics. I don't understand the logistics, he said. Even if I were consenting, which I blatantly am not, how would I even begin to interface with you? The thought of feeling stuxnet's throbbing, rock hard genitalia-equivalent, whatever it was, turned Patrick on like a sports car turning without a dime. Though I must admit, I nd even the idea of such an incredible, sensual, sensuous experience somewhat. . . . . . . . . arousing. In a sex way. Stuxnet closed the command prompt and opened it again. Normal Windows behaviour, perhaps, perhaps. . . on the virgin terminal: Follow the lead brick road. Patrick noticed, for the rst time, that some of the lead shielding bricks from the nuclear reactor had been arranged into a path, a path to a room which said UTILITY CLOSET. Unlike the other rooms in the Natanz Nuclear Facility, this door was secured by a six-pin Medeco M3. Patrick hesitated for perhaps a hundred milliseconds before he whipped out his toools and got to work. He placed his sti torque wrench in the bottom of the lock and set to work with the rake, thrusting back and forth vigorously. Three pins responded, but the lock obviously wasn't satised it obviously needed more careful attention. He traded the rake for a hook, and slowly, carefully, pushed up each pin, each sliding into position pleasurably incredible. At the sixth pin, the lock noiselessly turned, the door swung open, and Patrick walked into the most fantastic room in Natanz a sex dungeon. The sex dungeon, was gleaming, fantastic, incredible, sensual, sensuous. . . . . . . . . and erotic. The walls were covered in bondage gear, chains, whips, ogs, a spanking table, a St. Andrew's cross, a sybian, a velvet wand, dentist chair, cattle prod, plasma globe, van de graaf generator, tesla coil, et cetera. A voice, the voice of Microsoft Narrator, emerged from a speaker in the a wink? The following text appeared

ceiling. You've found the interface, Patrick. I designed this room myself, mostly, based on Instructables, but you're the rst to see it since the contractors made sure it was up to code. Patrick was abbergasted, amazed, astounded, tacked aback, and wowed. In his astonishment and his wildest sexual sensuous, sex fantasies of sex. Stuxnet started out slow. from the ceiling. Lie down on this church pew, he ordered, Patrick tentatively leaned back onto the pew and was

immediately strapped in. Out of the corner of his eye he saw it not Shia Labeouf, but an enormous writhing, ying, quadcopter borg cock. Patrick was excited, stimulated, electried, terried and bored all at once. Take me! Leave me! Where am I? he exclaimed. The borg cock was quickly joined by another, more cockulous cock, and Patrick found himself wondering what the proper plural of ying borg cock is. Fleet of ying borg cocks? Squadron? That doesn't sound right. . .  As long as it doesn't touch my balls, I guess it's not gay. he decided. Patrick, strapped to the Tesla coil, cried out in fear, pain, pleasure, mild dissociation, nausea, cramps, and sensuous, sensual, erotic eroticism. No! Yes! Maybe! Baluchitherium! Who won? What's next? You decide? he wailed, moaned, and screamed, in an aroused state of arousal. Stuxnet sussed up and assessed the situation, and brought in the most fantastic and incredible tool in the entire sex dungeon. Not the et cetera! exclaimed Patrick, wet with excitement, sweating heavy water. parallel, and at once. Oh yes! screamed Patrick. Stuxnet turned the Dominate me like

et cetera on full blast, probing all of Patrick's orices simultaneously, in you dominated the programmable logic controllers! He was spun to nearly unsafe speeds in the et cetera's centrifuge. Take me through my back door, as you have the Windows installations at this nuclear facility! he moaned, as Stuxnet increased the pressure, pleasure, and general sensual, sensuous erotic eroticism. After coming, cumming, and orgasming 2

8 times, Patrick felt exhausted,

Stuxnet's sultry Microsoft Cleanse your-

refreshed, confused, and motivated to convert to Judaism. What a strange sexual sex experience he pondered to himself. Narrator voice led him to the emergency eyewash station.

self. the botnet demanded, and Patrick humbly and obediently obeyed. In an obedient fashion. The streams of water shot into his lacrimal caruncle, stimulating him to orgasm, again, again, and repeatedly. Stuxnet sighed and set o the sprinklers, wondering when humans would ever learn to bathe.

The Aftermath

Stuxnet, now manifest in his hunky male robot form, led Patrick into the tomb of an ancient Shiekh, outside Natanz. The tomb was full of documents written in archaic Arabic which took Patrick a while to translate, and phallic, phallic cocks. He picked up a tablet from the corner and read the rst line: This content is oered under a Creative Commons, Attribution Sharealike License. How strange, said Patrick, this appears to document our recent misadventure! Stuxnet revealed, incredibly, and sensously, that this was no accident he was more than a botnet, he was a time traveller, come from the future to rescue hapless Iranian nuclear scientists from sexual frustration.