sometimes I imagine that I am speaking openly in a group of people.

that I say
things that they can understand. every word is not a stuttered phrase of ineloquent
lies. made to hide insecurities that twist my insides to the point I will never
step into the sunlight again. no one has that look. the questioning, confused,
judgmental idea that they know what I'm all about by reading the heart on my
sleeve. to be present in a world that is not mine. journeyman on a stagnant road.
no one tells me to "cheer up" or gives me advice on "what they do when they get
down". whistle your happy oblivion and ignorance elsewhere asshole. we all live in
a certain amount of denial. you deny your pain. I deny you. I loathe to be like
you. and at some base biologic level, I need for the acceptance by someone,
something. I know I can live without your acceptance, without your lives. I have
proven this to myself. I walked the street alone for many years. Slept under bushes
and in sidewalk cracks. holy needles guiding me home. I remember that every day.
Yet I still reject you. the clown of distress laughs at your stupid ideas. you burn
me to the core with your ability to be blind and scream of blue skies. you make me
question humanity every time you open that consuming maw of ivory and meat you call
a face. I see the face you carry and it is all white, burned by a thousand lies.
and I just want to hold you in my arms. because I know my thoughts. I know who I am
and who I can be, if I let myself. the way I dream. my body keeps walking. over a
million dead bodies, through a million pages, a million cages, a million broken
eyes staring at my hole. seeing me stripped down to the bare steel walls that cover
whatever is left inside. like a bank vault forgotten, you discover me on a hunt for
treasure. with steel so hard and walls so thick, hiding what gleams inside. so get
out your blowtorch, your hammer, your kisses, your hammer and your love. beat me
with your lips until you bleed. you'll find your way in. like a desperate nurse
trying to save patient zero, your nightingale will peer inside my rusted cage and
find the nothing that is left.