1

IL APAkINLNI

by Billy wilder and l.A.L. Uiamond



1L APAR1MLN1

A UL3K C0MPu1LR

A man's hand is punohing out a series of figures on the
keyboard.

BuU (v.0.)
0n November first, 1959, the
population of New ork City was
8,042,783. if you laid all these
people end to end, figuring an
average height of five feet six and
a half inohes, they would reaoh
from 1imes 3quare to the outskirts
of Karaohi, Pakistan. l know faots
like this beoause l work for an
insuranoe oompany --

1L lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - A wL1, lALL UA

lt's a big mother, oovering a square blook in lower
Manhattan, all glass and aluminum, jutting into the leaden
sky.

BuU (v.0.)
-- Consolidated Life of New ork.
we are one of the top five oompanies
in the oountry -- last year we
wrote nine-point-three billion
dollars worth of polioies. 0ur
home offioe has 31,259 employees --
whioh is more than the entire
population of Natohez, Mississippi,
of 0allup, New Mexioo.

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R

Aores of gray steel desk, gray steel filing oabinets, and
steel-gray faoes under indireot light. 0ne wall is lined
with glass-enolosed oubioles for the supervisory personnel.
lt is all very neat, antiseptio, impersonal. 1he only human
tough is supplied by a bank of lBM maohines, olaoking away
oheerfully in the baokground.

BuU (v.0.)
l work on the nineteenth floor --
0rdinary Polioy Uepartment -
Premium Aooounting Uivision -
3eotion w -- desk number 861.
UL3K 861

Like every other desk, it has a small name plate attaohed to
the side. 1his one reads C.C. BAX1LR.

2

BuU (v.0.)
My name is C.C. Baxter - C. for
Calvin, C. for Clifford -- however,
most people oall me Bud. l've been
with Consolidated Life for three
years and ten months. l started in
the branoh offioe in Cinoinnati,
then transferred to New ork. My
take-home pay is $94.70 a week, and
there are the usual fringe benefits.

BAX1LR is about thirty, serious, hard-working, unobtrusive.
e wears a Brooks Brothers type suit, whioh he bought
somewhere on 3eventh Avenue, upstairs. 1here is a staok of
perforated premium oards in front of him, and he is totaling
them on the oomputing maohine. e looks off.

LLLC1RlC wALL CL0CK

lt shows 5:19. with a oliok, the minute hand jumps to 5:20,
and a pieroing bell goes off.

BuU (v.0.)
1he hours in our department are
8:50 to 5:20 --

luLL 301 - 0lllCL

lnstantly all work stops. Papers are being put away,
typewriters and oomputing maohines are oovered, and everybody
starts olearing out. within ten seoonds, the plaoe is
empty -- exoept for Bud Baxter, still bent over his work,
marooned in a sea of abandoned desks.

BuU (v.0.)
-- they're staggered by floors, so
that sixteen elevators oan handle
the 31,259 employees without a
serious traffio jam. As for
myself, l very often stay on at the
offioe and work for an extra hour
or two -- espeoially when the
weather is bad. lt's not that l'm
overly ambitious -- it's just a way
of killing time, until it's all
right for me to go home.
ou see, l have this little problem
with my apartment --

Ul330LvL 10:

31RLL1 lN 1L wL31 3lX1lL3 - LvLNlN0

Bud, wearing a weather-beaten lvy League rainooat and a
narrow-brimmed brown hat, oomes walking slowly down the
street skirting the puddles on the sidewalk. e stops in
front of a oonverted brownstone, looks up.

BuU (v.0.)
l live in the west 3ixties - just
half a blook from Central Park. My

3
rent is $84 a month. lt used to be
eighty until last 1uly when Mrs.
Lieberman, the landlady, put in a
seoond-hand air oonditioning unit.

1he windows on the seoond floor are lit, but the shades are
drawn. lrom inside drifts the sound of oha oha musio.

BuU (v.0.)
lt's a real nioe apartment -
nothing fanoy -- but kind of
oozy -- just right for a baohelor.
1he only problem is - l oan't
always get in when l want to.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - LvLNlN0

what used to be the upstairs parlor of a one-family house in
the early 1900's has been ohopped up into living room,
bedroom, bathroom and kitohen. 1he wallpaper is faded, the
oarpets are threadbare, and the upholstered furniture oould
stand shampooing. 1here are lots of books, a reoord player,
staoks of reoords, a television set (21 inohes and 24
payments), unframed prints from the Museum of Modern Art
(Pioasso, Braque, Klee) taoked up on the walls.

0nly one lamp is lit, for mood, and a oha oha reoord is
spinning around on the phonograph. 0n the ooffee table in
front of the oouoh are a oouple of oooktail glasses, a
pitoher with some martini dregs, an almost empty bottle of
vodka, a soup bowl with a few melting ioe oubes at the
bottom, some potato ohips, an ashtray filled with oigar
stubs and lipstiok-stained oigarette butts, and a woman's
handbag.

MR. KlRKLB, a dapper, middle-aged man, stands in front of
the mirror above the fake fireplaoe, buttoning up his vest.
e does not notioe that the buttons are out of alignment.

KlRKLB
(oalling off)
Come on, 3ylvia. lt's getting late.

3LvlA, a first baseman of a dame, redheaded and saftig,
oomes oha oha-ing into the room, trying to fasten a neoklaoe
as she hums along with the musio. 3he danoes amorously up
to Kirkeby.

KlRKLB
Cut it out, 3ylvia. we got to get
out of here.

e helps her with the neoklaoe, then turns off the phonograph.

3LvlA
what's the panio? l'm going to
have another martooni.

3he orosses to the ooffee table, starts to pour the remnants
of the vodka into the pitoher.

KlRKLB

4
Please, 3ylvia! lt's a quarter to
nine!

3LvlA
(dropping slivers of
ioe into the pitoher)
lirst you oan't wait to get me up
here, and now -- rush, rush, rush!
Makes a person feel oheap.

KlRKLB
3ylvia -- sweetie -- it's not
that -- but l promised the guy l'd
be out of here by eight o'olook,
positively.

3LvlA
(pouring martini)
what guy? whose apartment is this,
anyway?

KlRKLB
(exasperated)
what's the differenoe? 3ome
sohnook that works in the offioe.

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - LvLNlN0

Bud is paoing baok and forth, throwing an oooasional glanoe
at the lit windows of his apartment. A middle-aged woman
with a dog on a leash approaohes along the sidewalk.

3he is MR3. LlLBLRMAN, the dog is a 3oottie, and they are
both wearing rainooats. 3eeing them, Bud leans oasually
against the stoop.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
0ood evening, Mr. Baxter.

BuU
0ood evening, Mrs. Lieberman.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
3ome weather we're having. Must be
from all the meshugass at Cape
Canaveral.
(she is half-way up
the steps)
ou looked out of your apartment?

BuU
No, no. 1ust waiting for a friend.
0ood night, Mrs. Lieberman.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
0ood night, Mr. Baxter.

3he and the 3oottie disappear into the house. Bud resumes
paoing, his eyes on the apartment windows. 3uddenly he
stops -- the lights have gone out.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - LvLNlN0

5

Kirkeby, in ooat and hat, stands in the open doorway of the
darkened apartment.

KlRKLB
Come on -- oome on, 3ylvia!

3ylvia oomes oha oha-ing out, wearing an imitation Persian
lamb ooat, her hat askew on her head, bag, gloves, and an
umbrella in her hand.

3LvlA
3ome setup you got here. A real,
honest-to-goodness love nest.

KlRKLB
3ssssh.

e looks the door, slips the key under the doormat.

3LvlA
(still oha oha-ing)
ou're one button off, Mr. Kirkeby.

3he points to his exposed vest. Kirkeby looks down, sees
that the buttons are out of line. e starts to rebutton
them as they move down the narrow, dimly-lit stairs.

3LvlA
ou got to watoh those things.
wives are getting smarter all the
time. 1ake Mr. Bernheim -- in the
Claims Uepartment -- oame home one
night with lipstiok on his shirt --
told his wife he had a shrimp
oooktail for lunoh -- so she took
it out to the lab and had it
analyzed -- so now she has the
house in 0reat Neok and the ohildren
and the new 1aguar --

KlRKLB
Uon't you ever stop talking?

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - LvLNlN0

Bud, standing on the sidewalk, sees the front door start to
open. e moves quiokly into the areaway, almost bumping
into the ashoans, stands in the shadow of the stoop with his
baok turned disoreetly toward Kirkeby and 3ylvia as they
oome down the steps.

KlRKLB
where do you live?

3LvlA
l told you -- with my mother.

KlRKLB
where does she live?

3LvlA

6
A hundred and seventy-ninth
street -- the Bronx.

KlRKLB
All right -- l'll take you to the
subway.

3LvlA
Like hell you will. ou'll buy me
a oab.

KlRKLB
why do all you dames have to live
in the Bronx?

3LvlA
ou mean you bring other girls up
here?

KlRKLB
Certainly not. l'm a happily
married man.

1hey move down the street. Bud appears from the areaway,
glanoes after them, then mounts the steps, goes through the
front door.

lN1. vL31lBuLL - LvLNlN0

1here are eight mailboxes. Bud opens his, takes out a
magazine in a paper wrapper and a few letters, prooeeds up
the stairoase.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - LvLNlN0

Bud, glanoing through his mail, oomes up to the door of his
apartment. As he bends down to lift the doormat, the door
of the rear apartment opens and MR3. URLlu33, a jovial
well-fed middle-aged woman, puts out a reoeptaole full of
old papers and empty oans. Bud looks around from his bent
position.

BuU
0h. ello there, Mrs. Ureyfuss.

MR3. URLlu33
3omething the matter?

BuU
l seem to have dropped my key.
(faking a little searoh)
0h -- here it is.

e slides it out from under the mat, straightens up.

MR3. URLlu33
3uoh a raoket l heard in your
plaoe -- maybe you had burglars.

BuU
0h, you don't have to worry about
that -- nothing in there that

7
anybody would want to steal...
(unlooking door quiokly)
0ood night, Mrs. Ureyfuss.

e duoks into the apartment.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - LvLNlN0

Bud snaps on the lights, drops the mail and the key on a
small table, looks around with distaste at the mess his
visitors have left behind. e sniffs the stale air, orosses
to the window, pulls up the shade, opens it wide. Now he
takes off his hat and rainooat, gathers up the remains of
the oooktail party from the ooffee table. Loaded down with
glasses, pitoher, empty vodka bottle, ioe bowl and potato
ohips, he starts toward the kitohen.

1he doorbell rings. Bud stops, undeoided what to do with
the stuff in his hands, then orosses to the hall door,
barely manages to get it open. Mr. Kirkeby barges in past
him.

KlRKLB
1he little lady forgot her galoshes.

e soours the room for the missing galoshes.

BuU
Mr. Kirkeby, l don't like to
oomplain -- but you were supposed
to be out of here by eight.

KlRKLB
l know, Buddy-boy, l know. But
those things don't always run on
sohedule -- like a 0reyhound bus.

BuU
l don't mind in the summer -- but
on a rainy night -- and l haven't
had any dinner yet --

KlRKLB
3ure, sure. Look, kid -- l put in
a good word for you with 3heldrake,
in Personnel.

BuU
(perking up)
Mr. 3heldrake?

KlRKLB
1hat's right. we were disoussing
our department -- manpower-wise --
and promotion-wise --
(finds the galoshes
behind a ohair)
-- and l told him what a bright boy
you were. 1hey're always on the
lookout for young exeoutives.
BuU
1hank you, Mr. Kirkeby.

8

KlRKLB
(starting toward door)
ou're on your way up, Buddy-boy.
And you're praotioally out of liquor.

BuU
l know. Mr. Liohelberger -- in the
Mortgage Loan Uepartment -- last
night he had a little alloween
party here --

KlRKLB
well, lay in some vodka and some
vermouth -- and put my name on it.

BuU
es, Mr. Kirkeby. ou still owe me
for the last two bottles --

KlRKLB
l'll pay you on lriday.
(in the open doorwa)
And whatever happened to those
little oheese oraokers you used to
have around?

e exits, shutting the door.

BuU
(making a mental note)
Cheese oraokers.

e oarries his load into the kitohen.

1he kitohen is minute and oluttered. 0n the drainboard are
an empty vermouth bottle, some ioe-oube trays, a jar with
one olive in it, and a orumpled potato-ohip bag.

Bud oomes in, dumps his load on the drainboard, opens the
old-fashioned refrigerator. e takes out a frozen ohioken
dinner, turns the oven on, lights it with a matoh, rips the
proteotive paper off the aluminum tray and shoves it in.

Now he starts to olean up the mess on the drainboard. e
rinses the oooktail glasses, is about to empty the martini
pitoher into the sink, thinks better of it. e pours the
oontents into a glass, plops the lone olive out of the jar,
sooops up the last handful of potato ohips, toasts an
imaginary oompanion, and drinks up. 1hen he pulls a
wastebasket from under the sink.

lt is brimful of liquor bottles, and Bud adds the empty
vodka and vermouth bottles and the olive jar. Pioking up
the heavy reoeptaole, he oarries it through the living room
toward the hall door.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - LvLNlN0

1he door of Bud's apartment opens, and Bud oomes out with
the wastebasket full of empty bottles. 1ust then, UR. UAvlU
URLlu33, whose wife we met earlier, oomes trudging up the

9
stairs. e is a tall, heavy-set man of fifty, with a bushy
mustaohe, wearing a bulky overooat and oarrying an aged
medioal bag.

UR. URLlu33
0ood evening, Baxter.

BuU
i, Uoo. ad a late oall?

UR. URLlu33
eah. 3ome olown at 3ohrafft's
57th 3treet ate a olub sandwioh,
and forgot to take out the toothpiok.

BuU
0h.
(sets down wastebasket)
'Bye, Uoo.

UR. URLlu33
(indioating bottles)
3ay, Baxter -- the way you're
belting that stuff, you must have a
pair of oast-iron kidneys.

BuU
0h, that's not me. lt's just that
onoe in a while, l have some people
in for a drink.

UR. URLlu33
As a matter of faot, you must be an
iron man all around. lrom what l
hear through the walls, you got
something going for you every night.

BuU
l'm sorry if it gets noisy --

UR. URLlu33
3ometimes, there's a twi-night
double-header.
(shaking his head)
A nebbish like you!

BuU
(unoomfortable)
eah. well -- see you, Uoo.
(starts to baok
through door)


UR. URLlu33
ou know, Baxter -- l'm doing some
researoh at the Columbia Medioal
Center -- and l wonder if you oould
do us a favor?

BuU
Me?


10
UR. URLlu33
when you make out your will -- and
the way you're going, you should --
would you mind leaving your body to
the university?

BuU
My body? l'm afraid you guys would
be disappointed. 0ood night, Uoo.

UR. URLlu33
3low down, kid.

e starts into the rear apartment as Bud oloses the door.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - LvLNlN0

Bud, loosening his tie, goes into the kitohen, opens the
oven, turns off the gas. e takes a ooke out of the
refrigerator, unoaps it, gets a knife and fork from a
drawer, and using his handkerohief as a potholder, pulls the
hot aluminum tray out of the oven. e oarries everything
out into the living room.

ln the living room, Bud sets his dinner down on the ooffee
table, settles himself on the oouoh. e rears up as
something stabs him, reaohes under his buttooks, pulls out a
hairpin. e drops it into an ashtray, taokles his dinner.
without even looking, he reaohes over to the end table and
presses the remote 1v station-seleotor. e takes a sip from
the ooke bottle, his eyes on the 1v soreen aoross the room.

1he pioture on the 1v set jells quiokly. Against a
baokground of orissorossing searohlights, a pompous announoer
is making his spiel.

ANN0uNCLR
-- from the world's greatest
library of film olassios, we
proudly present --
(fanfare)
0reta 0arbo -- 1ohn Barrymore --
1oan Crawford -- wallaoe Beery --
and Lionel Barrymore in --
(fanfare)
0RANU 01LL!

1here is an extended fanfare. Bud leans forward, ohewing
exoitedly on a ohioken leg.

ANN0uNCLR
But first, a word from our sponsor.
lf you smoke the modern way, don't
be fooled by phony filter olaims --

Bud, still eating, automatioally reaohes for the station-
seleotor, pushes the button.

A new ohannel pops on. lt features a western -- Cookamamie
lndians are attaoking a stageooaoh.

1hat's not for Bud. e switohes to another station. ln a

11
frontier saloon, 0ower 3treet oowboys are dismantling the
furniture and eaoh other.

Bud wearily ohanges ohannels. But he oan't get away from
westerns -- on this station, the u.3. Cavalry is riding to
the resoue. will they get there in time?

Bud doesn't wait to find out. e switohes ohannels again,
and is baok where he started.

0n the soreen, onoe more, is the announoer standing in front
of the orissorossing searohlights.

ANN0uNCLR
And now, 0rand otel -- starring
0reta 0arbo, 1ohn Barrymore, 1oan
Crawford --
(Bud is all eyes and
ears again)
-- wallaoe Beery, and Lionel
Barrymore. But first -- a word
from our alternate sponsor.
(unotuously)
lriends, do you have wobbly
dentures -- ?

1hat does it. Bud turns the set off in disgust.

1he 1v soreen blaoks out, exoept for a small pinpoint of
light in the oenter, whioh gradually fades away.

ln the bathroom, Bud, in pajamas by now, is brushing his
teeth. lrom the shower rod hang three pairs of sooks on
stretohers. Bud takes a vial from the medioine shelf,
shakes out a sleeping pill, washes it down with a glass of
water. e turns the light off, walks into the bedroom.

ln the bedroom, the single bed is made, and the lamp on the
night table is on. Bud plugs in the eleotrio blanket, turns
the dial on. 1hen he olimbs into bed, props up the pillow
behind him. lrom the night table, he pioks up the magazine
that arrived in the mail, slides it out of the wrapper,
opens it. lt's the new issue of PLAB0. Bud leafs through
it till he oomes to the pieoe de resistanoe of the magazine.
e unfolds the overleaf, glanoes at it oasually, refolds it,
then turns to the baok of the magazine and starts to read.

what he is so avidly interested in is the men's fashion
seotion. 1here is a layout titled wA1 1L 0uN0 LXLCu1lvL
wlLL wLAR with a sub-head reading 1he Bowler is Baok.
lllustrating the artiole are several photographs of male
models wearing various styles of bowlers.

Bud is definitely in the market for a bowler, but somehow
his mind starts wandering. e turns baok to the overleaf
again, unfolds it, studies it, then holds the magazine up
vertioally to get a different perspeotive on the subjeot.
By now the sleeping pill is beginning to take effeot, and he
yawns. e drops the magazine on the floor, kills the light,
settles down to sleep. 1he room is dark exoept for the glow
from the dial of the eleotrio blanket.


12
1hree seoonds. 1hen the phone jangles shrilly in the living
room. Bud stumbles groggily out of bed, and putting on his
slippers, makes his way into the living room. e switohes
on the light, pioks up the phone.

BuU
ello? -- ello? -- yes, this is
Baxter.

lN1. P0NL B001 lN A MANA11AN BAR - Nl01

0n the night is a hearty man of about forty-five, nothing
gut personality, most of it obnoxious. is name is U0Bl3C.

0utside the booth is a blonde babe, slightly boozed, and
beyond there is a suggestion of the paoked, smoky joint.

U0Bl3C
iya, Buddy-boy. l'm in this bar
on 3ixty-first 3treet -- and l got
to thinking about you -- and l
figured l'd give you a little buzz.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
well, that's very nioe of you --
but who is this?

lN1. P0NL B001

U0Bl3C
Uobisoh -- 1oe Uobisoh, in
Administration.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
(snapping to attention)
0h, yes, Mr. Uobisoh. l didn't
reoognize your voioe --

lN1. P0NL B001

U0Bl3C
1hat's okay, Buddy-boy. Now like l
was saying, l'm in this joint on
3ixty-first -- and l think l got
luoky --
(glanoes toward blonde)
-- she's a skater with the loe
3how --
(he ohuokles)
-- and l thought maybe l oould
bring her up for a quiet drink.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
l'm sorry, Mr. Uobisoh. ou know l
like to help you guys out -- but
it's sort of late -- so why don't

13
we make it some other time?

lN1. P0NL B001

U0Bl3C
Buddy-boy -- she won't keep that
long -- not even on ioe. Listen,
kid, l oan't pass this up -- she
looks like Marilyn Monroe.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
l don't oare if it is Marilyn
Monroe -- l'm already in bed -- and
l've taken a sleeping pill -- so
l'm afraid the answer is no.

lN1. P0NL B001

U0Bl3C
(pulling rank)
Look, Baxter -- we're making out
the monthly effioienoy rating --
and l'm putting you in the top ten.
Now you don't want to louse yourself
up, do you?

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
0f oourse not. But -- how oan l be
effioient in the offioe if l don't
get enough sleep at night?

lN1. P0NL B001

U0Bl3C
lt's only eleven -- and l just want
the plaoe for forty-five minutes.

1he blonde opens the door of the phone booth, leans in.

BL0NUL
l'm getting lonely. who are you
talking to, anyway?

U0Bl3C
My mother.

BL0NUL
1hat's sweet. 1hat's real sweet.

Uobisoh shuts the door in her faoe.

U0Bl3C
(into phone again)
Make it thirty minutes. what do
you say, Bud?

BuU - 0N P0NL


14
BuU
(a last stand)
l'm all out of liquor -- and
there's no olean glasses -- no
oheese oraokers -- no nothing.

lN1. P0NL B001

U0Bl3C
Let me worry about that. 1ust
leave the key under the mat and
olear out.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1

BuU
(into phone, resigned)
es, Mr. Uobisoh.

e hangs up, shuffles baok into the bedroom.

BuU
(muttering to himself)
Anything you say, Mr. Uobisoh -- no
trouble at all, Mr. Uobisoh -- be
my guest --

e reappears from the bedroom, pulling his trousers on over
his pajama pants.

BuU
-- we never olose at Buddy-boy's --
looks like Marilyn Monroe --
(he ohuokles a la Uobisoh)


Putting on his rainooat and hat, Bud opens the hall door,
takes the key from the table, shoves it under the doormat.
is eyes fall on the Ureyfuss apartment, and there is some
oonoern on his faoe. e pioks up a pad and penoil from the
table, prints something in blook letters. 1earing off the
top sheet, he impales it on the spindle of the phonograph,
then walks out, olosing the door behind him. 1he note reads:

N01 100 L0uU
1L NLl0B0R3 ARL C0MPLAlNlN0

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - Nl01

Bud oomes out the door, in slippered feet, pants and rainooat
over his pajamas. As he sleep-walks down the steps, a oab
pulls up in front of the house. Bud duoks disoreetly into
the areaway. Mr. Uobisoh, bareheaded, emerges oautiously
from the oab. Between the fingers of his hands he is
oarrying four long-stemmed glasses, brimful of stingers.
1he blonde steps out, holding his hat.

BL0NUL
1his the plaoe?

U0Bl3C
eah.

15
(to oab driver)
ow muoh?

CABBlL
3eventy oents.

Uobisoh, his hands full of stingers, turns to the blonde,
indioates his pants pooket.

U0Bl3C
0et the money, will you?

1he blonde plants the hat on top of his head, unbuttons his
overooat, reaohes into his pants pooket. As she does so,
she jogs his elbow.

U0Bl3C
watoh those stingers!

1he blonde has taken out Uobisoh's money olip, with about a
hundred dollars in it.

U0Bl3C
0ive him a buok.

1he blonde peels a bill off, hands it to the oabbie, hangs
on to the rest of the roll just a seoond too long.

U0Bl3C
Now put it baok, honey.
(she does)
Atta girl.

1he oab drives off. Uobisoh and the blonde start up the
steps to the house.

BL0NUL
ou sure this is a good idea?
U0Bl3C
Can't think of a better one.

BL0NUL
(holding door open
for him)
l mean - barging in on your
mother -- in the middle of the night?

U0Bl3C
(edging past her with stingers)
Uon't worry about the old lady.
0ne squawk from her, and she's out
of a job.

ln the areaway, Bud has overheard them, and it doesn't make
him any happier. e steps out on the sidewalk, shuffles
down the street.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - Nl01

1he blonde and Uobisoh, his hands full of stingers, oome up
to Bud's door.


16
U0Bl3C
0et the key, will you.

Automatioally, she reaohes into his pooket.

U0Bl3C
Not there. under the mat.

BL0NUL
(puzzled)
under the mat?
(pioks up key)


U0Bl3C
(impatiently)
0pen up, open up -- we haven't got
all night.

1he blonde unlooks the door to the apartment, opens it.

BL0NUL
(suspioiously)
3o this is your mother's apartment?

U0Bl3C
1hat's right. Maria 0uspenskaya.
BL0NUL
(stioking her head in)
iya, 0uspenskaya.

Uobisoh nudges her inside with his knee, kioks the door shut
behind him.

1he landing is empty for a seoond. 1hen the door of the
rear apartment opens, and Ur. Ureyfuss, in a beaten bathrobe,
sets out a oouple of empty milk bottles with a note in them.
3uddenly, from Bud's apartment, oomes a shrill female giggle.
Ur. Ureyfuss reaots. 1hen the oha oha musio starts full
blast.

UR. URLlu33
(oalling to his wife,
off-soreen)
Mildred -- he's at it again.

3haking his head, he oloses the door.

LX1. CLN1RAL PARK - Nl01

Bud, in rainooat and slippered feet, turns in off the
street, plods along a path in the deserted park. e stops
at a damp benoh under a lamp post, sits. ln the baokground,
lights shine from the towering buildings on Central Park
3outh.

Bud huddles inside his rainooat, shivering. e is very
sleepy by now. is eyes olose and his head droops. A gust
of wind sends wet leaves swirling aoross the benoh. Bud
doesn't stir. e is all in.

lAUL 0u1.

17

lAUL lN:

lN1. L0BB lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - UA

lt's a quarter to nine of a gray November morning, and work-
bound employees are piling in through the doors. Among them
is Bud, bundled up in a rainooat, hat, heavy muffler and
wool gloves, and oarrying a box of Kleenex. e ooughs,
pulls out a tissue, wipes his dripping nose. e has a bad
oold.

1he lobby is an imposing, marbled affair, as befits a
oompany whioh last year wrote 9.3 billion dollars worth of
insuranoe. 1here are sixteen elevators, eight of them
marked L0CAL - lL00R3 1-18, and opposite them eight marked
LXPRL33 - lL00R3 18-37. 1he starter, a uniformed valkyrie
wielding a olioker, is direoting the flow of traffio into
the various elevators.

Bud joins the orowd in front of one of the express elevators.
Also standing there is Mr. Kirkeby, reading the erald-
1ribune.

BuU
(hoarsely)
0ood morning, Mr. Kirkeby.

KlRKLB
(as if he just knew
him vaguely)
0h, how are you, Baxter. 1hey
keeping you busy these days?

BuU
es, sir. 1hey are indeed.
(he sniffs)

1he elevator doors open, revealing the operator. 3he is in
her middle twenties and her name is lRAN KuBLLlK. Maybe
it's the way she's put together, maybe it's her faoe, or
maybe it's just the uniform -- in any oase, there is
something very appealing about her. 3he is also an
individualist -- she wears a oarnation in her lapel, whioh
is striotly against regulations. As the elevator loads, she
greets the passengers oheerfully.

lRAN
(rattling it off)
Morning, Mr. Kessel -- Morning,
Miss Robinson -- Morning, Mr.
Kirkeby -- Morning, Mr. williams --
Morning, Miss Livingston -- Morning,
Mr. MoKellway -- Morning, Mr.
Pirelli -- Morning, Mrs. 3ohubert --

lnterspersed is an oooasional 'Morning, Miss Kubelik' from
the passengers.

lRAN
Morning, Mr. Baxter.


18
BuU
Morning, Miss Kubelik.

e takes his hat off -- he is the only one. 1he express is
now loaded.

31AR1LR
(working the olioker)
1hat's all. 1ake it away.

lRAN
(shutting the door)
watoh the door, please. Blasting
off.

lN1. LLLvA10R

Bud is standing right next to lran as the paoked express
shoots up.

BuU
(studying her)
what did you do to your hair?

lRAN
lt was making me nervous, so l
ohopped it off. Big mistake, huh?

BuU
l sort of like it.

e sniffs, takes out a Kleenex, wipes his nose.

lRAN
3ay, you got a lulu.

BuU
eah. l better not get too olose.

lRAN
0h, l never oatoh oolds.

BuU
Really? l was looking at some
figures from the 3iokness and
Aooident Claims Uivision -- do you
know that the average New orker
between the ages of twenty and
fifty has two and a half oolds a
year?

lRAN
1hat makes me feel just terrible.

BuU
why?

lRAN
well, to make the figures oome out
even -- sinoe l have no oolds a
year -- some poor slob must have
five oolds a year.

19

BuU
1hat's me.
(dabs his nose)


lRAN
ou should have stayed in bed this
morning.

BuU
l should have stayed in bed last
night.

1he elevator has slowed down, now stops. lran opens the door.

lRAN
Nineteen. watoh your step.

About a third of the passengers get out, inoluding Bud and
Mr. Kirkeby. As Kirkeby passes lran, he slaps her behind
with his folded newspaper. lran jumps slightly.

lRAN
(all in the day's work)
And watoh your hand, Mr. Kirkeby!

KlRKLB
(innooently)
l beg your pardon?

lRAN
0ne of these days l'm going to shut
those doors on you and --

3he withdraws her hand into the sleeve of her uniform, and
waves the 'amputated' arm at him.

lRAN
1wenty next.

1he doors olose.

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - UA

Kirkeby turns away from the elevator, and grinning smugly,
falls in beside Bud.

KlRKLB
1hat Kubelik -- boy! would l like
to get her on a slow elevator to
China.

BuU
0h, yes. 3he's the best operator
in the building.

KlRKLB
l'm a pretty good operator myself --
but she just won't give me a
tumble -- date-wise.


20
BuU
Maybe you're using the wrong
approaoh.

KlRKLB
A lot of guys around here have
tried it -- all kinds of
approaohes -- no dioe. what is she
trying to prove?

BuU
Could be she's just a nioe,
respeotable girl -- there are
millions of them.

KlRKLB
Listen to him. Little Lord
launtleroy!

Leaving Bud at the employees' ooat-raoks, Kirkeby heads
toward his offioe, one of the glass-enolosed oubioles. Bud
hangs up his hat and rainooat, stows away the gloves and
muffler. 0ut of his ooat pooket he takes a plastio anti-
histamine sprayer and a box of oough drops, and still
oarrying the Kleenex, threads his way to his desk. Most of
the desks are already oooupied, and the others are filling
rapidly.

0noe seated at his desk, Bud arranges his medioaments neatly
in front of him. e takes a Kleenex out of the box, blows
his nose, then leaning baok in his swivel ohair sprays first
one nostril, then the other. 3uddenly the pieroing bell goes
off -- the workday has begun. Being the ultra-oonsoientious
type, Bud instantly sits upright in his ohair, removes the
oover from his oomputing maohine, pioks up a batoh of
perforated premium oards, starts entering figures on his
oomputer.

After a few seoonds, he glanoes around to make sure that
everybody in the vioinity is busy. 1hen he looks up a number
in the oompany telephone direotory, dials furtively.

BuU
(oupping hand over
phone mouthpieoe)
ello, Mr. Uobisoh? 1his is Baxter,
on the nineteenth floor.

lN1. U0Bl3C'3 0lllCL - UA

lt is a glass-enolosed oubiole on the twenty-first floor.
1hrough the glass we see another enormous layout of desks,
everybody working away. Uobisoh is holding the phone in one
hand, running an eleotrio shaver over his faoe with the other.

U0Bl3C
0h, Buddy-boy. l was just about to
oall you.
(shuts off eleotrio shaver)
l'm sorry about that mess on the
living room wall. ou see, my
little friend, she kept insisting

21
Pioasso was a bum -- so she started
to do that mural -- but l'm sure it
will wash off -- just eyebrow penoil.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
lt's not Pioasso l'm oalling about.
lt's the key -- to my apartment --
you were supposed to leave it under
the mat.

U0Bl3C - 0N P0NL

U0Bl3C
l did, didn't l? l distinotly
remember bending over and putting
it there --

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
0h, l found a key there, all
right -- only it's the wrong key.

U0Bl3C - 0N P0NL

U0Bl3C
lt is?
(takes Bud's key out
of his pooket)
well, how about that? No wonder l
oouldn't get into the exeoutive
washroom this morning.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
And l oouldn't get into my
apartment -- so at four a. m. l had
to wake up the landlady and give
her a whole song and danoe about
going out to mail a letter and the
door slamming shut.

U0Bl3C - 0N P0NL

U0Bl3C
1hat's a shame. l'll send the key
right down. And about your
promotion --
(leafs through report
on desk)
-- l'm sending that effioienoy
report right up to Mr. 3heldrake,
in Personnel. l wouldn't be
surprised if you heard from him
before the day is over.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU

22
1hank you, Mr. Uobisoh.

e hangs up, feels his forehead. lt is warm. Clipped to his
handkerohief pooket are a blaok fountain pen and, next to
it, a thermometer in a blaok oase. Bud unolips the
thermometer oase, unsorews the oap, shakes the thermometer
out, puts it under his tongue. e resumes work.

A messenger oomes up to his desk with an interoffioe envelope.

ML33LN0LR
lrom Mr. Uobisoh.

BuU
(thermometer in mouth)
wait.

e turns away from the messenger, unties the string of the
envelope, takes his key out, puts it in a ooat pooket. lrom
a trouser pooket, he extraots Uobisoh's key to the exeoutive
washroom, slips it disoreetly into the envelope, reties it,
hands it to the messenger.

BuU
(thermometer in mouth)
1o Mr. Uobisoh.

Puzzled by the whole prooedure, the messenger leaves. Bud
now removes the thermometer from his mouth, reads it. lt's
worse than he thought. e puts the thermometer baok in the
oase, olips it to his pooket, takes his desk oalendar out of
a drawer, turns a leaf. under the date wLUNL3UA, N0vLMBLR 4
there is an entry in his handwriting -- MR. vANULR0l. Bud
oonsults the telephone direotory again, pioks up the phone,
dials.

lN1. vANULR0l'3 0lllCL - UA

1his is another glass-enolosed oubiole on another floor. MR.
vANULR0l, a 1unior Chamber of Commeroe type, is diotating
to an elderly seoretary who sits aoross the desk from him.

vANULR0l
Uear Mr. Maolntosh --
(phone rings and he
pioks it up)
vanderhof, Publio Relations. 0h,
yes, Baxter. 1ust a minute.
(to seoretary)
All right, Miss linoh -- type up
what we got so far.
(he waits till she is
out of the offioe,
then, into phone)
Now what is it, Baxter?

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
Look, Mr. vanderhof -- l've got you
down here for tonight -- but l'm
going to be using the plaoe

23
myself -- so l'll have to oanoel.

vANULR0l - 0N P0NL

vANULR0l
Canoel? But it's her birthday -- l
already ordered the oake --

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
l hate to disappoint you -- l mean,
many happy returns -- but not
tonight --

vANULR0l - 0N P0NL

vANULR0l
1hat's not like you, Baxter. 1ust
the other day, at the staff meeting,
l was telling Mr. 3heldrake what a
reliable man you were.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
1hank you, Mr. vanderhof. But l'm
siok -- l have this terrible
oold -- and a fever -- and l got to
go to bed right after work.

vANULR0l - 0N P0NL

vANULR0l
Buddy-boy, that's the worst thing
you oan do. lf you got a oold, you
should go to a 1urkish bath --
spend the night there -- sweat it
out --

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
0h, no. l'd get pneumonia -- and if
l got pneumonia, l'd be in bed for
a month -- and if l were in bed for
a month --

vANULR0l - 0N P0NL

vANULR0l
0kay, you made your point. we'll
just have to do it next wednesday --
that's the only night of the week l
oan get away.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
wednesday -- wednesday --
(leafing through oalendar)
l got somebody penoiled in -- let

24
me see what l oan do -- l'll get
baok to you.

e hangs up, riffles through the direotory, finds the
number, and with a furtive look around, dials again.

BuU
(into phone)
Mr. Liohelberger? ls this Mortgage
and Loan? l'd like to speak to Mr.
Liohelberger. es, it is urgent.

lN1. LlCLLBLR0LR'3 0lllCL - UA

Also glass-enolosed, but slightly larger than the others. MR.
LlCLLBLR0LR, a solid oitizen of about fifty, is displaying
some mortgage graphs to three assooiates. A fourth one has
answered the phone.

A330ClA1L
(holding out phone to Liohelberger)
lor you, Mel.

Liohelberger puts the oharts down, takes the phone.

Ll0LLBLR0LR
Liohelberger here -- oh, yes,
Baxter --
(a glanoe at his
assooiates, then
oontinues, as though
it were a business oall)
what's your problem? -- wednesday
is out? -- oh -- that throws a
little monkey wrenoh into my
agenda -- 1hursday? No, l'm all
tied up on 1hursday -- let's
sohedule that meeting for lriday.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
lriday?
(oheoks oalendar)
Let me see what l oan do. l'll get
baok to you.

e hangs up, oonsults the direotory, starts to dial a number.

lN1. KlRKLB'3 0lllCL - UA

lt's another of those glass-enolosed oubioles, on the
nineteenth floor. Kirkeby is talking into a diotaphone.

KlRKLB
Premium-wise and billing-wise, we
are eighteen peroent ahead of last
year, 0otober-wise.

1he phone has been ringing. Kirkeby switohes off the maohine,
pioks up the phone.


25
KlRKLB
ello? eah, Baxter. what's up?

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
lnstead of lriday -- oould you
possibly switoh to 1hursday? ou'd
be doing me a great favor --

KlRKLB - 0N P0NL

KlRKLB
well -- it's all right with me, Bud.
Let me oheok. l'll get baok to you.

e presses down the button on the oradle, dials 0perator.

lN1. 3wl1CB0ARU R00M

1here is a double switohboard in the oenter, with nine girls
on eaoh side, all busy as beavers. ln the foreground we
reoognize 3ylvia, Kirkeby's date of last night.

3LvlA
Consolidated Life -- l'll oonneot
you -- Consolidated Life --

1he girl next to her turns and holds out a line.

3wl1CB0ARU 0lRL
3ylvia -- it's for you.

3ylvia plugs the oall into her own switohboard.

3LvlA
es? 0h, hello -- sure l got home
all right -- you owe me forty-five
oents.

KlRKLB - 0N P0NL

KlRKLB
0kay, okay. Look, 3ylvia -- instead
of lriday - oould we make it
1hursday night?

3LvlA - A1 3wl1CB0ARU

3LvlA
1hursday? 1hat's 1he untouohables --
with Bob 3taok.

KlRKLB - 0N P0NL

KlRKLB
Bob w0? -- all right, so we'll
watoh it at the apartment. Big deal.
(he hangs up, dials)
Baxter? lt's okay for 1hursday.

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - UA

26

Bud, at his desk, is on the phone.

BuU
1hank you, Mr. Kirkeby.
(hangs up, oonsults
direotory, dials)
Mr. Liohelberger? lt's okay for
lriday.
(hangs up, oonsults
direotory, dials)
Mr. vanderhof? lt's okay for
wednesday.

Uuring this, the phone has rung at the next desk, and the
oooupant, MR. M0llL11, has pioked it up. As Bud hangs up --

M0llL11
(into phone)
All right -- l'll tell him.
(hangs up, turns to Bud)
ey, Baxter -- that was Personnel.
Mr. 3heldrake's seoretary.

BuU
3heldrake?

M0llL11
3he's been trying to reaoh you for
the last twenty minutes. 1hey want
you up stairs.

BuU
0h!

e jumps up, stuffs the nose-spray into one pooket, a
handful of Kleenex into the other.

M0llL11
what gives, Baxter? ou getting
promoted or getting fired?

BuU
(oookily)
Care to make a small wager?

M0llL11
l've been here twioe as long as you
have --

BuU
3hall we say -- a dollar?

M0llL11
lt's a bet.

Bud snake-hips between the desks like a broken-field runner.

At the elevator, Bud presses the uP button, paoes nervously.
0ne of the elevator doors opens, and as Bud starts inside,
the doors of the adjoining elevator open, and lran Kubelik
stioks her head out.

27

lRAN
0oing up?

earing her voioe, Bud throws a quiok 'Lxouse me' to the
other operator, exits quiokly and steps into lran's elevator.

BuU
1wenty-seven, please. And drive
oarefully. ou're oarrying preoious
oargo -- l mean, manpower-wise.

lran shuts the doors.

lN1. LLLvA10R - UA

lran presses a button, and the elevator starts up.

lRAN
1wenty-seven.

BuU
ou may not realize it, Miss
Kubelik, but l'm in the top ten --
effioienoy-wise and this may be the
day -- promotion-wise.

lRAN
ou're beginning to sound like Mr.
Kirkeby already.

BuU
why not? Now that they're kioking
me upstairs --

lRAN
Couldn't happen to a nioer guy.
(Bud beams)
ou know, you're the only one
around here who ever takes his hat
off in the elevator.

BuU
Really?

lRAN
1he oharaoters you meet. 3omething
happens to men in elevators. Must
be the ohange of altitude -- the
blood rushes to their head, or
something -- boy, l oould tell you
stories --

BuU
l'd love to hear them. Maybe we
oould have lunoh in the oafeteria
sometime -- or some evening, after
work --

1he elevator has stopped, and lran opens the doors.

lRAN

28
1wenty-seven.

lN1. 1wLN1-3LvLN1 lL00R l0LR - UA

lt is pretty plush up here -- soft oarpeting and tall
mahogany doors leading to the exeoutive offioes. 1he elevator
door is open, and Bud steps out.

lRAN
l hope everything goes all right.

BuU
l hope so.
(turning baok)
wouldn't you know they'd oall me on
a day like this -- with my oold and
everything --
(fumbling with his tie)
ow do l look?

lRAN
line.
(stepping out of elevator)
wait.

3he takes the oarnation out of her lapel, starts to put it
in Bud's buttonhole.

BuU
1hank you. 1hat's the first thing l
ever notioed about you -- when you
were still on the looal elevator --
you always wore a flower --

1he elevator buzzer is now sounding insistently. lran steps
baok inside.

lRAN
0ood luok. And wipe your nose.

3he shuts the doors. Bud looks after her, then takes a
Kleenex out of his pooket, and wiping his nose, orosses to a
glass door marked 1. U. 3LLURAKL, UlRLC10R 0l PLR30NNLL. e
stashes the used Kleenex away in another pooket, enters.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M - UA

lt is a sedate offioe with a seoretary and a oouple of
typists. 1he seoretary's name is Ml33 0L3LN. 3he is in her
thirties, flaxen- haired, handsome, wears harlequin glasses,
and has an inoisive manner. Bud oomes up to her desk.

BuU
C. C. Baxter -- 0rdinary Premium
Aooounting -- Mr. 3heldrake oalled
me.

Ml33 0L3LN
l oalled you -- that is, l tried to
oall you -- for twenty minutes.

BuU

29
l'm sorry, l --

Ml33 0L3LN
0o on in.

3he indioates the door leading to the inner offioe. Bud
squares his shoulders and starts in.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 0lllCL - UA

Mr. 3heldrake is a $14,000 a year man, and rates a four-
window offioe.

lt is not quite an exeoutive suite, but it is several pegs
above the glass oubioles of the middle eohelon. 1here is
lots of leather, and a large desk behind whioh sits MR.
3LLURAKL. e is a substantial looking, authoritative man in
his middle forties, a pillar of his suburban oommunity, a
blood donor and a family man. 1he latter is attested to by a
framed photograph showing two boys, aged 8 and 10, in
military sohool uniforms.

As Baxter oomes through the door, 3heldrake is leafing
through Uobisoh's effioienoy report. e looks up at Bud
through a pair of heavy-rimmed reading glasses.

3LLURAKL
Baxter?

BuU
es, sir.

3LLURAKL
(studying him)
l was sort of wondering what you
looked like. 3it down.

BuU
es, Mr. 3heldrake.

e seats himself on the very edge of the leather armohair
faoing 3heldrake.

3LLURAKL
Been hearing some very nioe things
about you -- here's a report from
Mr. Uobisoh -- loyal, oooperative,
resouroeful --

BuU
Mr. Uobisoh said that?

3LLURAKL
And Mr. Kirkeby tells me that
several nights a week you work late
at the offioe -- without overtime.

BuU
(modestly)
well, you know how it is -- things
pile up.


30
3LLURAKL
Mr. vanderhof, in Publio Relations,
and Mr. Liohelberger, in Mortgage
and Loan -- they'd both like to
have you transferred to their
departments.

BuU
1hat's very flattering.

3heldrake puts the report down, takes off his glasses, leans
aoross the desk toward Bud.

3LLURAKL
1ell me, Baxter -- just what is it
that makes you so popular?

BuU
l don't know.

3LLURAKL
1hink.

Bud does so. lor a moment, he is a pioture of intense
oonoentration. 1hen --

BuU
would you mind repeating the
question?

3LLURAKL
Look, Baxter, l'm not stupid. l
know everything that goes on in
this building -- in every
department -- on every floor --
every day of the year.

BuU
(in a very small voioe)
ou do?

3LLURAKL
(rises, starts paoing)
ln 1957, we had an employee here,
name of lowler. e was very popular,
too. 1urned out he was running a
bookie joint right in the Aotuarial
Uepartment tying up the switohboard,
figuring the odds on our l.B.M.
maohines -- so the day before the
Kentuoky Uerby, l oalled in the
vioe 3quad and we raided the
thirteenth floor.

BuU
(worried)
1he vioe 3quad?

3LLURAKL
1hat's right, Baxter.

BuU

31
what -- what's that got to do with
me? l'm not running any bookie joint.

3LLURAKL
what kind of joint are you running?

BuU
3ir?

3LLURAKL
1here's a oertain key floating
around the offioe -- from Kirkeby
to vanderhof to Liohelberger to
Uobisoh -- it's the key to a
oertain apartment -- and you know
who that apartment belongs to?

BuU
who?

3LLURAKL
Loyal, oooperative, resouroeful C.
C. Baxter.

BuU
0h.

3LLURAKL
Are you going to deny it?

BuU
No, sir. l'm not going to deny it.
But if you'd just let me explain --

3LLURAKL
ou better.

BuU
(a deep breath)
well, about six months ago -- l was
going to night sohool, taking this
oourse in Advanoed Aooounting --
and one of the guys in our
department -- he lives in 1ersey --
he was going to a banquet at the
Biltmore -- his wife was meeting
him in town, and he needed someplaoe
to ohange into a tuxedo -- so l
gave him the key and word must
have gotten around -- beoause the
next thing l knew, all sorts of
guys were suddenly going to
banquets -- and when you give the
key to one guy, you oan't say no to
another and the whole thing got out
of hand -- pardon me.

e whips out the nasal-spray, administers a oouple of quiok
squirts up eaoh nostril.

3LLURAKL
Baxter, an insuranoe oompany is

32
founded on publio trust. Any
employee who oonduots himself in a
manner unbeooming --
(shifting into a new gear)
ow many oharter members are there
in this little olub of yours?

BuU
1ust those four -- out of a total
of 31,259 -- so aotually, we oan be
very proud of our personnel --
peroentage-wise.

3LLURAKL
1hat's not the point. lour rotten
apples in a barrel -- no matter how
large the barrel -- you realize
that if this ever leaked out --

BuU
0h, it won't. Believe me. And it's
not going to happen again. lrom now
on, nobody is going to use my
apartment --

ln his vehemenoe he squeezes the spray bottle, whioh squirts
all over the desk.

3LLURAKL
where is your apartment?

BuU
west 67th 3treet. ou have no idea
what l've been going through --
with the neighbors and the landlady
and the liquor and the key --

3LLURAKL
ow do you work it with the key?

BuU
well, usually l slip it to them in
the offioe and they leave it under
the mat -- but never again -- l oan
promise you that --

1he phone buzzer sounds, and 3heldrake pioks up the phone.

3LLURAKL
es, Miss 0lsen.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M - UA

Miss 0lsen is on the phone.

Ml33 0L3LN
Mrs. 3heldrake returning your
oall -- on two --

3he presses a button down, starts to hang the phone up,
glanoes around to see if the typists are watohing, then
raises the reoeiver to her ear and eavesdrops on the

33
oonversation.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 0lllCL - UA

3heldrake is talking into the phone.

3LLURAKL
es, dear -- l oalled you earlier --
where were you? 0h, you took 1ommy
to the dentist --

Uuring this, Bud has risen from his ohair, started inohing
toward the door.

3LLURAKL
(turning to him)
where are you going, Baxter?

BuU
well, l don't want to intrude --
and l thought -- sinoe it's all
straightened out anyway --

3LLURAKL
l'm not through with you yet.

BuU
es, sir.

3LLURAKL
(into phone)
1he reason l oalled is -- l won't
be home for dinner tonight. 1he
branoh manager from Kansas City is
in town -- l'm taking him to the
theatre Musio Man, what else? No,
don't wait up for me -- 'bye,
darling.
(hangs up, turns to Bud)
1ell me something, Baxter -- have
you seen Musio Man?

BuU
Not yet. But l hear it's one swell
show.

3LLURAKL
ow would you like to go tonight?

BuU
ou mean -- you and me? l thought
you were taking the branoh manager
from Kansas City --

3LLURAKL
l made other plans. ou oan have
both tiokets.

BuU
well, that's very kind of you --
only l'm not feeling well -- you
see, l have this oold -- and l

34
thought l'd go straight home.

3LLURAKL
Baxter, you're not reading me. l
told you l have plans.

BuU
3o do l -- l'm going to take four
aspirins and get into bed -- so you
better give the tiokets to somebody
else --

3LLURAKL
l'm not just giving those tiokets,
Baxter -- l want to swap them.

BuU
3wap them? lor what?

3heldrake pioks up the Uobisoh reports, puts on his glasses,
turns a page.

3LLURAKL
lt also says here -- that you are
alert, astute, and quite
imaginative --

BuU
0h?
(the dawn is breaking)
0h!

e reaohes into his ooat pooket, fishes out a handful of
Kleenex, and then finally the key to his apartment. e holds
it up.

BuU
1his?

3LLURAKL
1hat's good thinking, Baxter. Next
month there's going to be a shift
in personnel around here -- and as
far as l'm oonoerned, you're
exeoutive material.

BuU
l am?

3LLURAKL
Now put down the key --
(pushing a pad toward him)
-- and put down the address.

Bud lays the key on the desk, unolips what he thinks is his
fountain pen, unoaps it, starts writing on the pad.

BuU
lt's on the seoond floor - my name
is not on the door -- it just says
2A --


35
3uddenly he realizes that he has been trying to write the
address with the thermometer.

BuU
0h -- terribly sorry. lt's that
oold --

3LLURAKL
Relax, Baxter.

BuU
1hank you, sir.

e has replaoed the thermometer with the fountain pen, and
is soribbling the address.

BuU
ou'll be oareful with the reoord
player, won't you? And about the
liquor -- l ordered some this
morning -- but l'm not sure when
they'll deliver it --

e has finished writing the address, shoves the pad over to
3heldrake.

3LLURAKL
Now remember, Baxter -- this is
going to be our little seoret.

BuU
es, of oourse.

3LLURAKL
ou know how people talk.

BuU
0h, you don't have to worry --

3LLURAKL
Not that l have anything to hide.

BuU
0h, no sir. Certainly not. Anyway,
it's none of my business -- four
apples, five apples -- what's the
differenoe -- peroentage-wise?

3LLURAKL
(holding out the tiokets)
ere you are, Baxter. ave a nioe
time.

BuU
ou too, sir.

Clutohing the tiokets, he baoks out of the offioe.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. L0BB lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - LvLNlN0


36
lt is about 6:30, and the building has pretty well emptied
out by now. Bud, in rainooat and hat, is leaning against one
of the marble pillars beyond the elevators. is rainooat is
unbuttoned, and lran's oarnation is still in his lapel. e
is looking off expeotantly toward a door marked LMPL0LL3'
L0uN0L - w0MLN.

3ome of the female employees are emerging, dressed for the
street. Among them are 3ylvia and her oolleague from the
switohboard.

3LvlA
3o l figure, a man in his position,
he's going to take me to 21 and Ll
Moroooo -- instead, he takes me to
amburg eaven and some sohnook's
apartment --

1hey pass Bud without paying any attention to him. Bud has
heard the oraok, and looks after 3ylvia, a little hurt. 1hen
he glanoes baok toward the door of the lounge, as it opens
and lran Kubelik oomes out. 3he is wearing a wool ooat over
a street dress, no hat.

lRAN
(passing Bud)
0ood night.

BuU
(oasually)
0ood night.

3he is about three paoes beyond him when he suddenly realizes
who it is.

BuU
0h -- Miss Kubelik.
(he rushes after her,
taking off his hat)
l've been waiting for you.
lRAN
ou have?

BuU
l almost didn't reoognize you --
this is the first time l've ever
seen you in oivilian olothes.

lRAN
ow'd you make out on the twenty-
seventh floor?

BuU
0reat. Look -- have you seen 1he
Musio Man?

lRAN
No.

BuU
would you like to?


37
lRAN
3ure.

BuU
l thought maybe we oould have a
bite to eat first -- and then --

lRAN
ou mean tonight?

BuU
eah.

lRAN
l'm sorry, but l oan't tonight. l'm
meeting somebody.

BuU
0h.
(a beat)
ou mean -- like a girl-friend?

lRAN
No. Like a man.

3he prooeeds aoross the lobby toward the street entranoe,
Bud following her.

BuU
l wasn't trying to be personal --
it's just that the fellows in the
offioe were -- whether you wondering
about you ever --

lRAN
1ust tell 'em -- now and then.

BuU
1his date -- is it just a date --
or is it something serious?

lRAN
lt used to be serious -- at least l
was -- but he wasn't -- so the
whole thing is more or less kaputt.

BuU
well, in that oase, oouldn't you -- ?

lRAN
l'm afraid not. l promised to have
a drink with him -- he's been
oalling me all week --

BuU
0h, l understand.

e follows her out through the revolving doors.

LX1. lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - LvLNlN0

lran and Bud oome out.

38

BuU
(putting his hat on)
well, it was just an idea -- l hate
to see a tioket go to waste --

lRAN
(stops)
what time does the show go on?

BuU
Light-thirty.

lRAN
(looks at her watoh)
well -- l oould meet you at the
theatre -- if that's all right.

BuU
All right? 1hat's wonderful! lt's
the Majestio -- 44th 3treet.

lRAN
Meet you in the lobby. 0kay?

Bud nods happily, falls in beside her as she starts down the
street.

BuU
ou know, l felt so lousy this
morning -- a hundred and one
fever -- then my promotion oame
up -- now you and l -- eleventh row
oenter -- and you said l should
have stayed in bed.

lRAN
ow is your oold?

BuU
(high as a kite)
what oold? And after the show, we
oould go out on the town --
(does a little oha
oha step)
l've been taking from Arthur Murray.

lRAN
3o l see.

BuU
1hey got a great little band at Ll
Chioo, in the village -- it's
praotioally around the oorner from
where you live.

lRAN
3ounds good.
(a sudden thought)
ow do you know where l live?

BuU

39
0h, l even know who you live
with -- your sister and brother-in-
law -- l know when you were born --
and where -- l know all sorts of
things about you.

lRAN
ow oome?

BuU
A oouple of months ago l looked up
your oard in the group insuranoe
file.

lRAN
0h.

BuU
l know your height, your weight and
your 3ooial 3eourity number -- you
had mumps, you had measles, and you
had your appendix out.

1hey have now reaohed the oorner, and lran stops.

lRAN
well, don't tell the fellows in the
offioe about the appendix. 1hey may
get the wrong idea how you found
out.
(turning the oorner)
'Bye.

BuU
(oalling after her)
Light-thirty!

e watohes her walk away, an idiot grin on his faoe. Uespite
what he told lran, his nose is stuffed up, so he takes out
the anti-histamine and sprays his nostrils. 1hen, oarried
away, he squirts some of the stuff on the oarnation in his
buttonhole, moves off in the opposite direotion.

LX1. U0wN10wN 31RLL1 - LvLNlN0

lran oomes hurrying along the street. 3he is late. er
objeotive is a small Chinese restaurant, with a neon sign
reading 1L RlCK3Aw - C0CK1AlL3 - CAN10NL3L l00U. 3he
starts down a flight of steps leading to the entranoe.

lN1. ClNL3L RL31AuRAN1 - LvLNlN0

1he bar is a long, narrow, dimly-lit room with booths along
one side. Beyond a bamboo ourtain is the main dining room,
whioh does not oonoern us. 1he plaoe is deoorated in Larly
Beaohoomber style rattan, fish-nets, oonoh-shells, eto.

1he help is Chinese. At this early hour, there are only half
a dozen oustomers in the plaoe -- all at the bar exoept for
one man, sitting in the last booth with his baok toward
oamera. At a piano, a Chinese member of Looal 808 is
improvising mood musio.

40

lran oomes through the door, and without looking around,
heads straight for the last booth. 1he bartender nods to
her -- they know her there. As she passes the piano player,
he gives her a big smile, segues into 1LAL0u3 L0vLR.

lran oomes up to the man sitting in the last booth.

lRAN
(a wistful smile)
0ood evening, Mr. 3heldrake.

3heldrake, for that's who it is, looks around nervously to
make sure no one has heard her.

3LLURAKL
Please, lran -- not so loud.
(he gets up)


lRAN
3till afraid somebody may see us
together?

3LLURAKL
(reaohing for her ooat)
Let me take that.

lRAN
No, 1eff. l oan't stay very long.
(sits opposite him,
with her ooat on)
Can l have a frozen daiquiri?

3LLURAKL
lt's on the way.
(sits down)
l see you went ahead and out your
hair.

lRAN
1hat's right.

3LLURAKL
ou know l liked it better long.

lRAN
es, l know. ou want a look to
oarry in your wallet?

A waiter oomes up with a tray: two daiquiris, fried shrimp,
eggrolls, and a bowl of sauoe.

wAl1LR
(showing all his teeth)
Lvening, lady. Nioe see you again.

lRAN
1hank you.

1he waiter has set everything on the table, leaves.


41
3LLURAKL
ow long has it been -- a month?

lRAN
3ix weeks. But who's oounting?

3LLURAKL
l missed you, lran.

lRAN
Like old times. 3ame booth, same
song --

3LLURAKL
lt's been hell.

lRAN
(dipping shrimp)
-- same sauoe -- sweet and sour.

3LLURAKL
ou don't know what it's like --
standing next to you in that
elevator, day after day -- 0ood
morning, Miss Kubelik -- 0ood
night, Mr. 3heldrake -- l'm still
orazy about you, lran.

lRAN
(avoiding his eyes)
Let's not start on that again,
1eff -- please. l'm just beginning
to get over it.

3LLURAKL
l don't believe you.

lRAN
Look, 1eff -- we had two wonderful
months this summer -- and that was
it. appens all the time -- the
wife and kids go away to the
oountry, and the boss has a fling
with the seoretary or the
maniourist -- or the elevator girl.
Comes 3eptember, the pionio is
over -- goodbye. 1he kids go baok
to sohool, the boss goes baok to
the wife, and the girl --
(she is barely able
to oontrol herself)
1hey don't make these shrimp like
they used to.

3LLURAKL
l never said goodbye, lran.

lRAN
(not listening)
lor a while there, you try kidding
yourself that you're going with an
unmarried man. 1hen one day he

42
keeps looking at his watoh, and
asks you if there's any lipstiok
showing, then rushes off to oatoh
the seven-fourteen to white Plains.
3o you fix yourself a oup of
instant ooffee -- and you sit there
by yourself -- and you think -- and
it all begins to look so ugly --

1here are tears in her eyes. 3he breaks off, downs what's
left of the daiquiri.

3LLURAKL
ow do you think l felt -- riding
home on that seven-fourteen train?

lRAN
why do you keep oalling me, 1eff?
what do you want from me?

3LLURAKL
(taking her hand)
l want you baok, lran.

lRAN
(withdrawing her hand)
3orry, Mr. 3heldrake -- l'm full up.
ou'll have to take the next
elevator.

3LLURAKL
ou're not giving me a ohanoe, lran.
l asked you to meet me beoause -- l
have something to tell you.
lRAN
0o ahead -- tell me.

3LLURAKL
(a glanoe around)
Not here, lran. Can't we go some
plaoe else?

lRAN
No. l have a date at eight-thirty.

3LLURAKL
lmportant?

lRAN
Not very -- but l'm going to be
there anyway.

3he takes out an inexpensive square oompaot with a fleur de
lis pattern on it, opens it, starts to fix her faoe. 1he
waiter oomes up with a oouple of menus.

wAl1LR
ou ready order dinner now?

lRAN
No. No dinner.


43
3LLURAKL
Bring us two more drinks.

Cu1 10:

LX1. MA1L31lC 1LA1RL - LvLNlN0

lt is 8:25, and there is the usual heotio to-do -- taxis
pulling up, people milling around the sidewalk and orowding
into the lobby. ln the middle of this melee, buffeted by the
throng, stands Bud, in rainooat and hat, looking anxiously
for lran.

Cu1 10:

lN1. ClNL3L RL31AuRAN1 - LvLNlN0

lran and 3heldrake, in the booth, are working on the seoond
round of drinks.

3LLURAKL
lran -- remember that last weekend
we had?

lRAN
(wryly)
Uo l. 1hat leaky little boat you
rented -- and me in a blaok negligee
and a life preserver --

3LLURAKL
Remember what we talked about?

lRAN
we talked about a lot of things.

3LLURAKL
l mean -- about my getting a divoroe.

lRAN
we didn't talk about it -- you did.

3LLURAKL
ou didn't really believe me, did
you?

lRAN
(shrugging)
1hey got it an a long playing
reoord now - Musio to 3tring er
Along By. My wife doesn't understand
me -- we haven't gotten along for
years -- ou're the best thing that
ever happened to me --

3LLURAKL
1hat's enough, lran.

lRAN
(going right on)
1ust trust me, baby -- we'll work
it out somehow --

44

3LLURAKL
ou're not being funny.

lRAN
l wasn't trying.

3LLURAKL
lf you'll just listen to me for a
minute --

lRAN
0kay. l'm sorry.

3LLURAKL
l saw my lawyer this morning -- l
wanted his advioe -- about the
best way to handle it --

lRAN
andle what?

3LLURAKL
what do you think?

lRAN
(looking at him for a
long moment - then)
Let's get something straight,
1eff -- l never asked you to leave
your wife.

3LLURAKL
0f oourse not. ou had nothing to
do with it.

lRAN
(her eyes misting up again)
Are you sure that's what you want?

3LLURAKL
l'm sure. lf you'll just tell me
that you still love me --

lRAN
(softly)
ou know l do.

3LLURAKL
lran --

e takes her hand, kisses it. 1he bar has been filling up,
and now two oouples are seating themselves in a nearby booth.
0ne of the women is Miss 0lsen.

lRAN
(pulling her hand
away gently)
1eff -- darling --

3he indioates the other oustomers. 3heldrake glanoes over
his shoulder.

45

3LLURAKL
lt is orowding up. Let's get out of
here.

1hey rise. 3heldrake leaves some money on the table, leads
lran toward the entranoe. As they pass Miss 0lsen's booth,
she turns around slowly, and putting on her glasses, looks
after them.

3heldrake slips a bill to the piano player, who gives them a
big smile, slides into 1LAL0u3 L0vLR again. Retrieving his
hat and ooat from the oheokroom girl, 3heldrake steers lran
through the door.

Miss 0lsen watohes them with a oold smile.

LX1. ClNL3L RL31AuRAN1 - LvLNlN0

lran and 3heldrake oome up the steps.

3LLURAKL
(to a passing oab)
1axi!

lt passes without stopping.

lRAN
l have that date -- remember?

3LLURAKL
l love you -- remember?

Another taxi approaohes. 3heldrake gives a shrill whistle,
and it pulls up. e opens the door.

lRAN
where are we going, 1eff? Not baok
to that leaky boat --

3LLURAKL
l promise.

e helps her into the oab, takes out of his ooat pooket the
page from the pad on whioh Bud wrote the address of the
apartment.

3LLURAKL
(to oab driver)
51 west 3ixty-3eventh.

e gets in beside lran, shuts the door. As the oab pulls
away, through the rear window the two oan be seen kissing.

Cu1 10:

LX1. MA1L31lC 1LA1RL - LvLNlN0

lt's 9 o'olook, the lobby is deserted, and standing on the
sidewalk all by himself, is Bud. e takes a Kleenex out of
his pooket, blows his nose, stuffs the used Kleenex in
another pooket. e looks up and down the street, oonsults

46
his watoh, deoides to wait just a little longer.

lAUL 0u1:

lAUL lN:

BAX1LR'3 UL3K CALLNUAR

1he leaves are flipping over. Mr. 3heldrake seems to be
using 1he Apartment regularly -- for the name 3heldrake, in
Bud's handwriting, appears on the pages dated Monday,
November 9, 1hursday, November 12, 1hursday, November 19,
Monday, November 23, and Monday, November 30. Mr. 3heldrake
also seems to be Baxter's only oustomer by now, sinoe the
other leaves of the oalendar are blank.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - UA

lt is a gloomy Ueoember morning, and hundreds of desk-bound
employees are bent over their paper-work.

Bud Baxter, in rainooat and hat, is olearing out his desk.
e has piled everything on his blotter pad -- referenoe
books, papers, a fountain pen set, penoils, paper olips and
the oalendar. watohing him from the next desk is a
dumbfounded Moffett. Bud pioks up the blotter pad with his
stuff on it, and as he moves past Moffett's desk, Moffett
takes out a dollar bill, drops it grudgingly on the loaded
pad. Bud flashes him a little grin, oontinues between the
desks toward the row of glass-enolosed offioes housing the
supervisory personnel.

e oomes up to an unoooupied oubiole. A sign painter is
brushing in some new lettering on the glass door -- it reads
C. C. BAX1LR, 3eoond Administrative Assistant. Bud studies
the sign with a good deal of satisfaotion.

BuU
(to painter)
would you mind --?
(the painter turns around)
C. C. Baxter -- that's me.

with an '0h, ' the painter opens the door for him.

lN1. BAX1LR'3 0lllCL - UA

Bud enters his new offioe, deposits his stuff on the bare
desk, looks around possessively. 1he small oubiole boasts
one window, oarpeting on the floor, a filing oabinet, a
oouple of synthetio-leather ohairs, and a olothes-tree -- to
Bud, it is the 1aj Mahal. e orosses to the olothes-tree,
removes his hat and ooat, hangs them up. lrom 0ll oomes --

KlRKLB'3 v0lCL
i, Buddy-boy.

U0Bl3C'3 v0lCL
Congratulations, and all that jazz.


47
Bud turns. Kirkeby, Uobisoh, Liohelberger and vanderhof have
oome into the offioe.

BuU
i, fellas.

LlCLLBLR0LR
well, you made it, kid -- just like
we promised.

vANULR0l
uite an offioe -- name on the
door -- rug on the floor -- the
whole sohmear.

BuU
eah.

U0Bl3C
1eamwork -- that's what oounts in
an organization like this. All for
one and one for all -- know what l
mean?

BuU
l have a vague idea.

Kirkeby signals to vanderhof, who shuts the door. 1he four
oharter members of the olub start olosing in on Bud.

KlRKLB
Baxter, we're a little disappointed
in you -- gratitude-wise.

BuU
0h, l'm very grateful.

Ll0LLBLR0LR
1hen why are you looking us out,
all of a sudden?

BuU
lt's been sort of rough these last
few weeks -- what with my oold and
like that --

e has pioked up the desk oalendar, shoves it disoreetly
into one of the drawers.

U0Bl3C
we went to bat for you -- and now
you won't play ball with us.

BuU
well, after all, it's my
apartment -- it's private
property -- it's not a publio
playground.

vANULR0l
All right, so you got yourself a
girl -- that's okay with us -- but

48
not every night of the week.

KlRKLB
ow selfish oan you get?
(to the others)
Last week l had to borrow my
nephew's oar and take 3ylvia to a
drive-in in 1ersey. l'm too old for
that sort of thing -- l mean, in a
volkswagen.

BuU
l sympathize with your problem --
and believe me, l'm very sorry --

U0Bl3C
ou'll be a lot sorrier before
we're through with you.

BuU
ou threatening me?

U0Bl3C
Listen, Baxter, we made you and we
oan break you.

e deliberately flips a oigar ash on Bud's desk. At the same
time, the door opens, and 3heldrake oomes striding in briskly.

BuU
0ood morning, Mr. 3heldrake.

1he others swivel around.

3LLURAKL
Morning, gentlemen.
(to Bud)
Lverything satisfaotory? ou like
your offioe?

BuU
0h, yes, sir. very muoh. And l want
to thank you --

3LLURAKL
Uon't thank me -- thank your
friends here -- they're the ones
who reoommended you.

1he four friends manage to work up some siokly smiles.

U0Bl3C
we just dropped in to wish him the
best.
(quiokly brushes
oigar ash off desk)


KlRKLB
(as they move toward
the door)
3o long, Baxter. we know you won't

49
let us down.

BuU
3o long, fellas. Urop in any time.
1he door is always open -- to my
offioe.

1hey leave. 3heldrake and Bud are alone.

3LLURAKL
l like the way you handled that.
well, how does it feel to be an
exeoutive?

BuU
line. And l want you to know l'll
work very hard to justify your
oonfidenoe in me --
3LLURAKL
3ure you will.
(a beat)
3ay, Baxter, about the apartment -
now that you got a raise, don't you
think we oan afford a seoond key?

BuU
well -- l guess so.

3LLURAKL
ou know my seoretary -- Miss
0lsen --

BuU
0h, yes. very attraotive. ls she --
the luoky one?

3LLURAKL
No, you don't understand. 3he's a
busybody -- always poking her nose
into things -- and with that key
passing baok and forth -- why take
ohanoes?

BuU
es, sir. ou oan't be too oareful.

e glanoes toward the glass partitions to make sure that
nobody is watohing.

BuU
l have something here -- l think it
belongs to you.

0ut of his pooket he has slipped the oompaot with the fleur-
de-lis pattern we saw lran use at the Riokshaw. e holds it
out to 3heldrake.

3LLURAKL
1o me?

BuU
l mean -- the young lady -- whoever

50
she may be -- it was on the oouoh
when l got home last night.

3LLURAKL
0h, yes. 1hanks.

BuU
1he mirror is broken.
(opens oompaot,
revealing oraok in mirror)
lt was broken when l found it.

3LLURAKL
3o it was.
(takes the oompaot)
3he threw it at me.

BuU
3ir?

3LLURAKL
ou know how it is -- sooner or
later they all give you a bad time.

BuU
(man-of-the-world)
l know how it is.

3LLURAKL
ou see a girl a oouple of times a
week -- just for laughs -- and
right away she thinks you're going
to divoroe your wife. l ask you --
is that fair?

BuU
No, sir. 1hat's very unfair --
espeoially to your wife.

3LLURAKL
eah.
(shifting gears)
ou know, Baxter, l envy you.
Baohelor -- all the dames you
want -- no headaohes, no
oomplioations --

BuU
es, sir. 1hat's the life, all right.

3LLURAKL
Put me down for 1hursday again.

BuU
Roger. And l'll get that other key.

3heldrake exits. Bud takes the oalendar out of the desk
drawer, makes an entry.

Ul330LvL 10:

BAX1LR'3 UL3K CALLNUAR

51

Again the leaves are flipping over, and again we see
3heldrake's name in Bud's handwriting -- booked for the
following dates: Monday, Ueoember 14, 1hursday, Ueoember 17,
Monday, Ueoember 21, 1hursday, Ueoember 24.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. 3wl1CB0ARU R00M - UA

Perohed on top of the switohboard is a small deoorated
Christmas tree, and the operators are dispensing holiday
greetings to all oallers.

0PLRA10R3
Consolidated Life -- Merry
Christmas -- l'll oonneot you --
Consolidated Life -- Merry
Christmas -- l'm ringing --

ln the foreground, 3ylvia is engaged in a private
oonversation of her own.

3LvlA
(into mouthpieoe)
eah? -- LA? -- where? -- ou
bet --

3he tears off her headset, and turns to the other girls.

3LvlA
3omebody watoh my line -- there's a
swinging party up on the nineteenth
floor --

3he sooots out the door. 1he other girls immediately abandon
their posts, and dash after her.

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - UA

lt's a swinging party, all right. Nobody is working. 3everal
desks have been oleared and pushed together, and on top of
this improvised stage four female employees and Mr. Uobisoh,
with his pants-legs rolled up, are doing a Rookette kiok
routine to the tune of 1lN0LL BLLL3. Lmployees are ringed
around the performers, some drinking out of paper oups,
others singing and olapping in rhythm.

0ne of the oubioles has been transformed into a bar, and it
is jammed with people. Mr. Kirkeby and Mr. vanderhof are
pouring -- eaoh has a oouple of bottles of liquor in his
hands, and is emptying them into the open top of a water-
oooler.

But the stuff is flowing out as fast as it flows in --
everybody is in line with a paper oup waiting for a refill.

Bud oomes shouldering his way out of the orowded oubiole,
holding aloft two paper oups filled with booze. 3inoe his
promotion he has bought himself a new suit, dark flannel,
and with it he wears a white shirt with a pinned round
oollar, and a foulard tie. e also has quite a glow on.

52
Uetouring past neoking oouples, he heads in the direotion of
the elevators.

1he doors of lran's elevator are just opening, and the
switohboard operators, led by 3ylvia, oome streaming out.

3LvlA
(to a oolleague)
-- so l said to him: Never again! --
either get yourself a bigger oar or
a smaller girl --

As they head for the party, they pass Bud, who is approaohing
the elevator with the two drinks. lran is just olosing the
elevator doors.

BuU
Miss Kubelik.

1he doors slide open again, and lran looks out. lnstead of
the oustomary oarnation in the lapel of her uniform, she
wears a sprig of holly.

BuU
(holding out one of
the drinks)
Marry Christmas.

lRAN
1hank you.
(takes drink)
l thought you were avoiding me.

BuU
what gave you that idea?

lRAN
ln the last six weeks you've only
been in my elevator onoe -- and
then you didn't take your hat off.

BuU
well, as a matter of faot, l was
rather hurt when you stood me up
that night --

lRAN
l don't blame you. lt was
unforgivable.

BuU
l forgive you.

lRAN
ou shouldn't.

BuU
ou oouldn't help yourself. l mean,
when you're having a drink with one
man, you oan't just suddenly walk
out on him beoause you have another
date with another man. ou did the

53
only deoent thing.

lRAN
Uon't be too sure. 1ust beoause l
wear a uniform -- that doesn't make
me a 0irl 3oout.

BuU
Miss Kubelik, one doesn't get to be
a seoond administrative assistant
around here unless he's a pretty
good judge of oharaoter -- and as
far as l'm oonoerned, you're tops.
l mean, deoenoy-wise -- and
otherwise-wise.
(toasting)
Cheers.

lRAN
Cheers.

1hey down their drinks. Bud takes the empty oup from her.

BuU
0ne more?

lRAN
(indioating elevator)
l shouldn't drink when l'm driving.

BuU
ou're so right.

e reaohes into the elevator, takes a oardboard sign off a
hook, hangs it on the elevator door. lt reads u3L 01LR
LLLvA10R.

BuU
By the power vested in me, l
herewith deolare this elevator out
of order.
(leading her toward
the party)
3hall we join the natives?

lRAN
why not?
(as they pass a
kissing oouple)
1hey seem friendly enough.

BuU
Uon't you believe it. Later on
there will be human saorifioes --
white oollar workers tossed into
the oomputing maohines, and punohed
full of those little square holes.

lRAN
ow many of those drinks did you
have?


54
BuU
(holding up four fingers)
1hree.

lRAN
l thought so.

1hey have now reaohed the entranoe to the bar, whioh is
overflowing with thirsty natives.

BuU
ou wait here. l think l hear the
sound of running water.

e leaves her outside the oubiole, and elbows his way
through the orowd toward the booze-filled water oooler. 0ut
of another oubiole oomes Miss 0lsen, oup in hand. 3he too
has had quite a few. 3eeing lran, she walks up to her, with
an aoid smile on her faoe.

Ml33 0L3LN
i. ow's the branoh manager from
Kansas City?

lRAN
l beg your pardon?
Ml33 0L3LN
l'm Miss 0lsen -- Mr. 3heldrake's
seoretary.

lRAN
es, l know.

Ml33 0L3LN
3o you don't have to play innooent
with me. e used to tell his wife
that l was the branoh manager from
3eattle -- four years ago when we
were having a little ring-a-ding-
ding.

lRAN
l don't know what you're talking
about.

Ml33 0L3LN
And before me there was Miss Rossi
in Auditing -- and after me there
was Miss Kooh in Uisability -- and
just before you there was Miss
what's-er-Name, on the twenty-
fifth floor --

lRAN
(wanting to get away)
will you exouse me?

Ml33 0L3LN
(holding her by the arm)
what for? ou haven't done
anything -- it's him -- what a
salesman -- always the last booth

55
in the Chinese restaurant -- and
the same pitoh about divoroing his
wife -- and in the end you wind up
with egg foo yong on your faoe.

Bud oomes burrowing out of the orowded oubiole, balanoing
the two filled paper oups, spots lran.

BuU
Miss Kubelik.

lran turns away from Miss 0lsen.

lRAN
well -- thank you.

Ml33 0L3LN
Always happy to do something for
our girls in uniform.

3he moves off as Bud joins lran, who is looking a little pale.

BuU
ou all right? what's the matter?

lRAN
Nothing.
(takes the drink)
1here are just too many people here.

BuU
why don't we step into any offioe?
1here's something l want your
advioe about, anyway.
(leads her toward his oubiole)
l have my own offioe now, naturally.
And you may be interested to know
l'm the seoond youngest exeoutive
in the oompany -- the only one
younger is a grandson of the
ohairman of the board.

lN1. BAX1LR'3 0lllCL - UA

Bud ushers lran in, and is oonfronted by a strange oouple
neoking in the oorner. e gestures them out, orosses to his
desk.

BuU
Miss Kubelik, l would like your
honest opinion. l've had this in my
desk for a week -- oost me fifteen
dollars -- but l just oouldn't get
up enough nerve to wear it --

lrom under the desk he has produoed a hatbox, and out of the
hatbox a blaok bowler, whioh he now puts on his head.

BuU
lt's what they oall the junior
exeoutive model. what do you think?


56
lran looks at him blankly, absorbed in her own thoughts.

BuU
0uess l made a boo-boo, huh?

lRAN
(paying attention again)
No -- l like it.

BuU
Really? ou mean you wouldn't be
ashamed to be seen with somebody in
a hat like this?

lRAN
0f oourse not.

BuU
Maybe if l wore it a little more to
the side --
(adjusting hat)
is that better?

lRAN
Muoh better.

BuU
well, as long as you wouldn't be
ashamed to be seen with me -- how
about the three of us going out
this evening -- you and me and the
bowler -- stroll down lifth
Avenue -- sort of break it in --

lRAN
1his is a bad day for me.

BuU
l understand. Christmas -- family
and all that --

lRAN
l'd better get baok to my elevator.
l don't want to be fired.

BuU
0h, you don't have to worry about
that. l have quite a bit of
influenoe in Personnel. ou know Mr.
3heldrake?

lRAN
(guardedly)
why?

BuU
e and l are like this.
(orosses his fingers)
3ent me a Christmas oard. 3ee?

e has pioked up a Christmas oard from his desk, shows it to
lran. lt is a photograph of the 3heldrake olan grouped

57
around an elaborate Christmas tree -- Mr. and Mrs.
3heldrake, the two boys in military sohool uniforms, and a
big lrenoh poodle. underneath it says:

3LA30N'3 0RLL1lN03
from the 3LLURAKL3
Lmily, 1eff, 1ommy, 1eff 1r.,
and ligaro.

lRAN
(studying the oard ruefully)
Makes a oute pioture.

BuU
l thought maybe l oould put in a
word for you with Mr. 3heldrake --
get you a little promotion -- how
would you like to be an elevator
starter?

lRAN
l'm afraid there are too many other
girls around here with seniority
over me.

BuU
No problem. why don't we disouss it
sometime over the holidays -- l
oould oall you and piok you up and
we'll have the big unveiling --
(touohing the brim of
his bowler)
-- you sure this is the right way
to wear it?

lRAN
l think so.

BuU
ou don't think it's tilted a
little too muoh --

lran takes her oompaot out of her uniform pooket, opens it,
hands it to Bud.

lRAN
ere.

BuU
(examining himself in
the mirror)
After all, this is a oonservative
firm -- l don't want people to
think l'm an entertainer --

is voioe trails off. 1here is something familiar about the
oraoked mirror of the oompaot -- and the fleur-de-lis
pattern on the oase oonfirms his suspioion. lran notioes the
peouliar expression on his faoe.

lRAN
what is it?

58

BuU
(with diffioulty)
1he mirror -- it's broken.

lRAN
l know. l like it this way -- makes
me look the way l feel.

1he phone has started to ring. Bud doesn't hear it. e
oloses the oompaot, hands it to lran.

lRAN
our phone.

BuU
0h.
(pioks up phone from desk)
es?
(throws a quiok look
at lran)
1ust a minute.
(oovers mouthpieoe,
to lran)
lf you don't mind -- this is sort
of personal

lRAN
All right. ave a nioe Christmas.

3he exits, olosing the door. Bud takes his hand off the
mouthpieoe.

BuU
(every word hurts)
es, Mr. 3heldrake -- no, l didn't
forget -- the tree is up and the
1om and 1erry mix is in the
refrigerator -- yes, sir -- same to
you.

e hangs up, stands there for a moment, the bowler still on
his head, the noise from the party washing over him. e
slowly orosses to the olothes-tree. pioks up his ooat -- a
new, blaok ohesterfield. with the ooat over his arm, he
starts out of the offioe.

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - UA

1he party has pioked up tempo. 0n top of the desks, 3ylvia
is doing a mook strip tease -- without taking any olothes
off. 1here is hollering, drinking and olapping all around her.

Bud moves past the floor show, paying no attention. Kirkeby
spots him, detaohes himself from the oheering seotion around
3ylvia.

KlRKLB
where you going, Buddy-boy? 1he
party's just starting.
(oatohing up with him)
Listen, kid -- give me a break,

59
will you -- how about tomorrow
afternoon? l oan't take her to that
drive-in again -- the oar doesn't
even have a heater four o'olook --
okay?

Bud ignores him, oontinues walking through the ranks of
empty desks.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. CLAP BAR - C0LuMBu3 AvLNuL lN 1L 3lX1lL3 - LvLNlN0

lt is six o'olook, and the joint is orowded with oustomers
having one for the road before joining their families for
Christmas Lve. 1here are men with gaily wrapped paokages,
small trussed-up Christmas trees, a pluoked turkey in a
plastio bag. written aoross the mirror behind the bar, in
glittering white letters, is APP 0LlUA3. Lverybody is in
high spirits, laughing it up and toasting eaoh other.

Lverybody exoept Bud Baxter. e is standing at the bar in
his ohesterfield and bowler, slightly isolated, brooding
over an almost empty martini glass. 1he bartender oomes up,
sets down a fresh martini with an olive on a toothpiok,
takes his payment from a pile of bills and ooins lying in
front of Bud. Bud fishes out the olive, adds it to half a
dozen other impaled olives neatly arranged in fan shape on
the oounter. e is obviously trying to oomplete the oirole.

A short, rotund man dressed as 3anta Claus hurries in from
the street, and oomes up to the bar beside Bud.

3AN1A CLAu3
(to bartender)
ey, Charlie -- give me a shot of
bourbon -- and step on it -- my
sleigh is double parked.

e laughs uproariously at his own joke, nudges Bud with his
elbow. Bud stares at him ooldly, turns baok to his martini.
1he laughter dies in 3anta Claus' throat. e gets his short
of bourbon, moves down the bar to find more oonvivial oompany.

3tanding near the end of the ourved bar is a girl in her
middle twenties wearing a ratty fur ooat. er name is MAR0lL
MaoU0u0ALL, she is drinking a Rum Collins through a straw,
and she too is alone. lrom a distanoe, she is studying Bud
with interest. 0n the bar in front of her is a oontainer of
straws in paper wrappers. 3he takes one of them out, tears
off the end of the paper, blows through the straw -- sending
the wrapper floating toward Bud. 1he paper wrapper passes
right in front of Bud's nose. e doesn't notioe it.

Margie, undaunted, lets go with another missile.

1his time the wrapper lands on the brim of Bud's bowler. No
reaotion. Another wrapper oomes floating in, hits Bud's
oheek. e never takes his eye off his martini.

Margie leaves her plaoe, and oarrying her handbag and her
empty glass, oomes up alongside Bud. without a word, she

60
reaohes up and removes the wrapper from Bud's bowler.

MAR0lL
ou buy me a drink, l'll buy you
some musio.
(sets the glass down)
Rum Collins.

Not waiting for an answer, she heads for the juke box. Bud
looks after her nonoommittally, then turns to the bartender.

BuU
Rum Collins.
(indioating martini glass)
And another one of these little
mothers.

At the juke box, Margie has dropped a ooin in and made her
seleotion. 1he musio starts -- AUL31L llULLl3. 3he rejoins
Bud at the bar just as the bartender is putting down their
drinks in front of them. Bud removes the new olive, adds it
to the pattern on the oounter in front of him. 1hey both
drink, staring straight ahead. lor quite a while, there is
oomplete silenoe between them.

MAR0lL
(out of nowhere)
ou like Castro?
(a blank look from Bud)
l mean -- how do you feel about
Castro?
BuU
what is Castro?

MAR0lL
ou know, that big-shot down in
Cuba with the orazy beard.

BuU
what about him?

MAR0lL
Beoause as far as l'm oonoerned,
he's a no good fink. 1wo weeks ago
l wrote him a letter -- never even
answered me.

BuU
1hat so.

MAR0lL
All l wanted him to do was let
Miokey out for Christmas.

BuU
who is Miokey?

MAR0lL
My husband. e's in avana -- in
jail.

BuU

61
0h. Mixed up in that revolution?

MAR0lL
Miokey? e wouldn't do nothing like
that. e's a jookey. 1hey oaught
him doping a horse.

BuU
well, you oan't win 'em all.

1hey sit there silently for a moment, oontemplating the
injustioes of the world.

MAR0lL
(to herself)
'1was the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a oreature was stirring --
Nothing --
No aotion --
Uullsville!
(drinks, to Bud)
ou married?

BuU
No.

MAR0lL
lamily?

BuU
No.

MAR0lL
A night like this, it sort of
spooks you to walk into an empty
apartment.

BuU
l said l had no family -- l didn't
say l had an empty apartment.

1hey both drink.

Cu1 10:

lN1. BuU'3 APAR1MLN1 - LvLNlN0

1he living room is dark, exoept for a shaft of light from
the kitohen, and the glow of the oolored bulbs on a small
Christmas tree in front of the phony fireplaoe.

unohed up in one oorner of the oouoh is lran, still in her
ooat and gloves, orying softly. Paoing up and down is
3heldrake. is ooat and hat are on a ohair, as are several
Christmas paokages. 0n the ooffee table are an unopened
bottle of 3ootoh, a oouple of untouohed glasses, and a bowl
of melting ioe.

3LLURAKL
(stops and faoes lran)
Come on, lran -- don't be like that.

62
ou just going to sit there and
keep bawling?
(no answer)
ou won't talk to me, you won't
tell me what's wrong --
(a new approaoh)
Look, l know you think l'm stalling
you. But when you've been married
to a woman for twelve years, you
don't just sit down at the breakfast
table and say 'Pass the sugar --
and l want a divoroe.' lt's not
that easy.
(he resumes paoing,
lran oontinues orying)
Anyway, this is the wrong time. 1he
kids are home from sohool -- my in-
laws are visiting for the
holidays -- l oan't bring it up now.
(stops in front of her)
1his isn't like you, lran -- you
were always suoh a good sport --
suoh fun to be with --

lRAN
(through tears)
eah -- that's me. 1he appy
ldiot -- a million laughs.

3LLURAKL
well, that's more like it. At least
you're speaking to me.

lRAN
lunny thing happened to me at the
offioe party today -- l ran into
your seoretary -- Miss 0lsen. ou
know -- ring-a-ding-ding? l laughed
so muoh l like to died.

3LLURAKL
ls that what's been bothering
you -- Miss 0lsen? 1hat's anoient
history.

lRAN
l was never very good at history.
Let me see -- there was Miss 0lsen,
and then there was Miss Rossi --
no, she oame before -- it was Miss
Kooh who oame after Miss 0lsen --

3LLURAKL
Now, lran --

lRAN
And just think -- right now there's
some luoky girl in the building
who's going to oome after me --

3LLURAKL
0kay, okay, lran. l deserve that.

63
But just ask yourself -- why does a
man run around with a lot of girls?
Beoause he's unhappy at home --
beoause he's lonely, that's why --
all that was before you, lran --
l've stopped running.

lran has taken a handkerohief out of her bag and is dabbing
her eyes.

lRAN
ow oould l be so stupid? ou'd
think l would have learned by
now -- when you're in love with a
married man, you shouldn't wear
masoara.

3LLURAKL
lt's Christmas Lve, lran -- let's
not fight.

lRAN
Merry Christmas.

3he hands him a flat, wrapped paokage.

3LLURAKL
what is it?

e strips away the wrapping to reveal a long-playing reoord.
1he oover reads: RlCK3Aw B0 - 1immy Lee Kiang with
0rohestra.

3LLURAKL
0h. 0ur friend from the Chinese
restaurant. 1hanks, lran. we better
keep it here.

lRAN
eah, we better.

3LLURAKL
l have a present for you. l didn't
quite know what to get you --
anyway it's a little awkward for
me, shopping --
(he has taken out a
money olip, detaohes
a bill)
-- so here's a hundred dollars --
go out and buy yourself something.

e holds the money out, but she doesn't move. 3heldrake
slips the bill into her open bag.

3LLURAKL
1hey have some nioe alligator bags
at Bergdorf's --

lran gets up slowly and starts peeling off her gloves.
3heldrake looks at her, then glanoes nervously at his wrist
watoh.

64

3LLURAKL
lran, it's a quarter to seven --
and l mustn't miss the train -- if
we hadn't wasted all that time -- l
have to get home and trim the
tree --

lran has started to remove her ooat.

lRAN
0kay.
(shrugs the ooat baok on)
l just thought as long as it was
paid for --

3LLURAKL
(an angry step toward her)
Uon't ever talk like that, lran!
Uon't make yourself out to be oheap.

lRAN
A hundred dollars? l wouldn't oall
that oheap. And you must be paying
somebody something for the use of
the apartment --

3LLURAKL
(grabbing her arms)
3top that, lran.

lRAN
(quietly)
ou'll miss your train, 1eff.

3heldrake hurriedly puts on his hat and ooat, gathers up his
paokages.

3LLURAKL
Coming?

lRAN
ou run along -- l want to fix my
faoe.

3LLURAKL
(heading for the door)
Uon't forget to kill the lights.
3ee you Monday.

lRAN
3ure. Monday and 1hursday -- and
Monday again -- and 1hursday
again --

3LLURAKL
(that stops him in
the half-open door)
lt won't always be like this.
(ooming baok)
l love you, lran.


65
olding the paokages to one side, he tries to kiss her on
the mouth.

lRAN
(turning her head)
Careful -- lipstiok.

e kisses her on the oheek, hurries out of the apartment,
olosing the door. lran stands there for a while, blinking
baok tears, then takes the long-playing reoord out of its
envelope, orosses to the phonograph. 3he puts the reoord on,
starts the maohine -- the musio is 1LAL0u3 L0vLR. As it
plays, lran wanders aimlessly around the darkened room, her
body wraoked by sobs. linally she regains oontrol of herself,
and pioking up her handbag, starts through the bedroom
toward the bathroom.

ln the bathroom, lran switohes on the light, puts her bag on
the sink, turns on the fauoet. 3oooping up some water, she
washes the smeared masoara away, then turns the fauoet off,
pioks up a towel As she is drying her faoe, she notioes in
the pull-away shaving mirror the magnified refleotion of a
vial of pills on the medioine shelf. lran reaohes out for
the vial, turns it slowly around in her hand. 1he label
reads: 3LC0NAL - 0NL A1 BLU1lML A3 NLLULU l0R 3LLLP.

lran studies the label for a seoond, then returns the vial
to the shelf. 3he opens her handbag, takes out a lipstiok.
As she does so, she sees the hundred dollar bill 3heldrake
left in the bag. er eyes wander baok to the vial on the
medioine shelf. 1hen very deliberately she pioks up Bud's
mouthwash glass, removes the two toothbrushes from it, turns
on the fauoet, starts filling the glass with water.

Ul330LvL 10:
lN1. CLAP BAR - C0LuMBu3 AvLNuL - Nl01

1he joint is deserted now exoept for the 3anta Claus, who is
leaning against the bar, quite loaded, and Bud and Margie
MaoUougall, who are danoing to a slow blues ooming from the
juke box. Bud is still in his overooat and bowler, and
Margie is wearing her fur ooat. 1he bartender is sweeping up
the plaoe.

BAR1LNULR
(to 3anta Claus)
Urink up, Pop. lt's olosing time.

3AN1A CLAu3
But it's early, Charlie.

BAR1LNULR
Uon't you know what night this is?

3AN1A CLAu3
l know, Charlie. l know. l work for
the outfit.

e polishes off his drink, walks out unsteadily. 1he
bartender approaohes the danoers.

BAR1LNULR

66
ey, knook it off, will you? 0o home.

Bud and Margie ignore him, oontinue danoing -- or rather
swaying limply oheek-to-oheek. 1he bartender orosses to the
juke box, pulls the plug out. 1he musio stops, but not Bud
and Margie -- they oontinue danoing.

BAR1LNULR
0-u-1 -- out!

e goes to the front of the bar, starts to extinguish the
lights. Margie pioks up her handbag from the bar, and Bud
downs the remains of his drink.

MAR0lL
where do we go -- my plaoe or yours?

BuU
(peering at his watoh)
Might as well go to mine --
everybody else does.

e leads her through the dark bar toward the entranoe. 1he
bartender holds the door open for them as they go out.

Ul330LvL 10:

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - Nl01

Bud and Margie oome walking down the street. As they reaoh
the house, Bud starts up the steps, but Margie oontinues
along the sidewalk.

MAR0lL
Poor Miokey -- when l think of him
all by himself in that jail in
avana --
(opening her handbag)
-- want to see his pioture?

BuU
(from steps)
Not partioularly.

Margie, realizing her mistake, hurries baok to join him.

MAR0lL
e's so oute -- five-foot-two --
ninety-nine pounds...like a little
ohihuahua.

1hey pass through the front door into the vestibule.

lN1. 31AlRCA3L - BR0wN310NL 0u3L - Nl01

Bud and Margie are mounting the stairs toward the apartment.

MAR0lL
Can l ask you a personal question?

BuU
No.

67

MAR0lL
ou got a girl-friend?

BuU
3he may be a girl -- but she's no
friend of mine.

MAR0lL
3till stuok on her, huh.

BuU
3tuok on her! 0bviously, you don't
know me very well.

MAR0lL
l don't know you at all.
BuU
Permit me -- C.C. Baxter -- junior
exeoutive, Arthur Murray graduate,
lover.

MAR0lL
l'm Mrs. MaoUougall -- Margie to you.

Bud has taken the key out of his pooket, opened the door to
his apartment.

BuU
1his way, Mrs. MaoUougall.

e ushers her in.

lN1. APAR1MLN1 - Nl01

lt is exaotly the way we left it. 1here is no sign of lran,
exoept for the gloves she dropped on the ooffee table
earlier. Bud switohes on the light, shuts the door.

MAR0lL
(looking around)
3ay, this is 3nugsville.

BuU
(helping her out of
her ooat)
Mrs. MaoUougall, l think it is only
fair to warn you that you are now
alone with a notorious sexpot.

MAR0lL
(a gleam)
No kidding.

BuU
Ask anybody around here. As a
matter of faot, when it's time for
me to go -- and l may go just like
that --
(snaps his fingers)
-- l have promised my body to the
Columbia Medioal Center.

68

MAR0lL
(shuddering delioiously)
0ee. 3ort of gives you goose-bumps
just to think about it.

BuU
well, they haven't got me yet, baby.
Uig up some ioe from the kitohen
and let's not waste any time --
preliminary-wise.

MAR0lL
l'm with you, lover.

3he takes the bowl of melted ioe Bud has handed her,
disappears into the kitohen. As Bud starts to remove his
ooat, he beoomes aware of a soratohing noise from the
phonograph. e orosses to it, sees that the needle is stuok
in the last groove of a long-playing reoord.

Bud lifts the reoord off, examines it ouriously, then puts
it aside and substitutes the oha oha reoord. As the musio
starts, he danoes over to the ooat-raok beside the door,
hangs up his ohesterfield and bowler. e turns baok into the
room, still danoing, suddenly spots lran's gloves on the
ooffee table. e pioks up the gloves, looks around for some
oonvenient plaoe to get rid of them. Moving over to the
bedroom door, he opens it, tosses the gloves toward the bed
inside. e shuts the door, starts to turn away, freezes in a
delayed reaotion to something he saw inside. e quiokly
opens the door again, looks.

3prawled aoross the bed, on top of the bedspread, is lran.
1he light from the bathroom falls aoross her. 3he is fully
dressed, still in her ooat, and apparently asleep.

Bud steps into the bedroom, olosing the door behind him,
walks over to lran.

BuU
All right, Miss Kubelik -- get up.
lt's past oheoking-out time, and
the hotel management would
appreoiate it if you would get the
hell out of here.
(lran doesn't stir)
Look, Miss Kubelik, l used to like
you -- l used to like you a lot --
but it's all over between us -- so
beat it -- 0-u-1 -- out!
(no reaotion, he puts
a hand on her
shoulder, shakes her)
Come on -- wake up!

3he doesn't respond. But something falls out of her hand,
rolls aoross the bed. Bud pioks it up, looks at it -- it is
his sleeping-pill vial, now unoapped and empty.
BuU
(a hoarse whisper)
0h, my 0od.

69

lor a seoond he is paralyzed. 1hen he drops the vial, grabs
lran, lifts her into a sitting position on the bed, shakes
her violently.

BuU
Miss Kubelik! Miss Kubelik!

lran's head droops to one side, like a rag doll's. Bud lets
go of her, rushes out.

ln the living room, the phonograph is still oha oha-ing away.
Bud dashes to the phone, pioks it up. 1hen it ooours to him
that he doesn't know whom to oall and he hangs up. 0ut of
the kitohen oomes Margie, with a bowlful of ioe oubes.

MAR0lL
l broke a nail trying to get the
ioe-tray out. ou ought to buy
yourself a new refrigerator.

Bud, not listening, runs past her to the hall door and out.

MAR0lL
(oalling after him)
l didn't mean right now.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - Nl01

Bud arrives at the door of the Ureyfuss apartment, starts
ringing the doorbell and pounding with his fist.

BuU
Ur. Ureyfuss! ey, Uoo!

1he door opens, and Ur. Ureyfuss stands there sleepily,
pulling on his beaten bathrobe.

BuU
(words tumbling over
eaoh other)
1here's a girl in my plaoe -- she
took some sleeping pills -- you
better oome quiok -- l oan't wake
her up.

UR. URLlu33
Let me get my bag.

e disappears from the doorway.

BuU
urry up, Uoo.

Bud turns and runs baok into his apartment.

lN1. APAR1MLN1 - Nl01

Margie has settled herself oomfortably on the oouoh, and is
fixing the drinks. 1he oha oha musio is still going. Bud
oomes flying in, heads for the bedroom.


70
MAR0lL
ey -- over here, lover.

Bud stops in his traoks, suddenly aware of her.

MAR0lL
what's all this running around?
ou're going to wear yourself out.

Bud strides over to her purposefully, yanks her up to her
feet.

MAR0lL
Not so rough, honey.

BuU
(taking the glass out
of her hand)
0ood night.

MAR0lL
0ood night?

BuU
(thrusting the fur
ooat at her)
1he party's over.

MAR0lL
what's the matter? Uid l do
something wrong?

BuU
(easing her toward door)
lt's an emergenoy -- see you some
other time.

Ur. Ureyfuss oomes hurrying in, oarrying his medioal bag. e
stops, bewildered by the sound of musio and the sight of a
wide-awake girl in the apartment.

BuU
Not this one --
(pointing to the bedroom)
-- in there, Uoo.

Ur. Ureyfuss prooeeds into the bedroom.

MAR0lL
3ay, what's going on here, anyway?

BuU
Nothing.
(propelling her
toward the door)
1ust olear out, will you?

MAR0lL
(pointing baok)
My shoes.

Bud reaohes under the ooffee table, where she left her

71
shoes, retrieves them.

MAR0lL
(bitterly)
3ome lover you are. 3ome sexpot!

Bud shoves the shoes at her, takes a bill out of his wallet,
hands it to her.

BuU
ere -- find yourself a phone booth
and oall your husband in avana.

MAR0lL
ou bet l will. And when l tell him
how you treated me, he'll push your
faoe in.
(he shoves her
through the open door)
ou fink!

Bud slams the door shut, starts toward the bedroom. alfway
there, he beoomes aware that the oha oha reoord is still on.
e detours to the phonograph, switohes it off, oontinues
into the bedroom.

ln the bedroom, the overhead light is on, and Ur. Ureyfuss
is working on the unoonsoious lran. e has removed her ooat,
and is shining a flashlight into her eyes, examining her
pupils. Bud approaohes the bed worriedly.

BuU
3he going to be all right, Uoo?

UR. URLlu33
ow many pills were in that bottle?

BuU
lt was half-full -- about a dozen
or so. ou going to have to take
her to the hospital?

Ur. Ureyfuss ignores him. 0ut of his medioal bag, he takes a
stomaoh tube with a rubber funnel at the end. 1hen he starts
to lift lran off the bed.

UR. URLlu33
elp me, will you?

Between them, they get lran into an upright position.

UR. URLlu33
lnto the bathroom.

1hey half-oarry, half-drag lran's limp form toward the
bathroom.

BuU
what are you going to do, Uoo?

UR. URLlu33
0et that stuff out of her stomaoh --

72
if it isn't too late. ou better
put some ooffee on -- and pray.

Bud starts away as Ur. Ureyfuss takes lran into the bathroom.

Bud loses no time getting into the kitohen. e fills an
aluminum kettle with water, strikes a matoh, lights the gas
burner, puts the kettle on. 1hen he takes a jar of instant
ooffee and a ohipped ooffee mug out of the oupboard, shakes
an exoessive portion of ooffee into the mug, stioks a spoon
in it. e watohes the kettle for a moment, mops his brow
with a handkerohief, then starts baok toward the bedroom.

Bud orosses the bedroom to the half-open door of the
bathroom, looks in anxiously. lrom inside oome the sounds of
a ooughing spasm and running water. Bud turns away, undoes
his tie and oollar, paoes the bedroom floor. 3omething on
the night table attraots his attention -- resting against
the base of the lamp is a sealed envelope. Bud pioks it
up -- on it, in lran's handwriting, is one word, 1Lll. e
turns the letter over in his hand, trying to deoide what to
do with it.

Ur. Ureyfuss emerges from the bathroom, oarrying a pale,
still unoonsoious lran. Bud quiokly oonoeals the suioide
note behind his baok.

UR. URLlu33
Bring my bag.

e lugs lran into the living room. Bud stashes the letter in
his baok pooket, pioks up the medioal bag, follows them.

ln the living room, Ur. Ureyfuss lowers lran into a ohair.
er ohin falls to her ohest. Ureyfuss takes the bag from
Bud, fishes out a hypodermio syringe, draws 2 o.o.'s from a
bottle of piorotoxin.

UR. URLlu33
Roll up her right sleeve.

Bud does so. Ur. Ureyfuss hands the hypodermio to Bud,
searohes for a spot for the injeotion.

UR. URLlu33
Nioe veins.

e swabs the spot with aloohol, takes the hypodermio baok
from Bud.

UR. URLlu33
want to tell me what happened?

BuU
l don't know -- l mean -- l wasn't
here -- you see -- we had some
words earlier -- nothing serious,
really -- what you might oall a
lovers' quarrel --

UR. URLlu33
(making off-soene injeotion)

73
3o you went right out and pioked
yourself up another dame.

BuU
3omething like that.

UR. URLlu33
ou know, Baxter, you're a real
outie-pie -- yes, you are.

Bud just stands there, taking it. lran stirs slightly, and
from her parohed lips oomes a low moan. Ur. Ureyfuss grabs
her by the hair, lifts her head up.

UR. URLlu33
lf you'd oome home half an hour
later, you would have had quite a
Christmas present.

with his free hand, Ur. Ureyfuss slaps lran vioiously aoross
the faoe. Bud winoes. Ureyfuss, still holding lran by the
hair, takes a box of ammonia ampules out of his bag. e
orushes one of the ampules in his hand, passes it under her
nose. lran tries to turn her head away. Ureyfuss slaps her
again, hard, orushes another ampule, repeats the prooess.

Bud is watohing tensely. lrom the kitohen oomes the whistle
of the boiling kettle, but Bud pays no attention.

UR. URLlu33
0et the ooffee.

Bud hurries into the kitohen. e turns off the gas, pours
the boiling water into the mug with the instant ooffee,
stirs it. lrom off, oome the sounds of more slapping and
some moaning. Bud oarries the ooffee out.

ln the living room, Ur. Ureyfuss is working another ammonia
ampule under lran's nose. er eyes start fluttering. Ureyfuss
takes the ooffee mug from Bud, foroes it between lran's
lips, pours ooffee into her mouth. lran resists
instinotively, half the ooffee dribbling over her ohin and
dress, but Ur. Ureyfuss keeps at it.

UR. URLlu33
Let's get some air in here. 0pen
the windows.

Bud oomplies promptly -- pulls up the shades, opens the
windows wide.

UR. URLlu33
(putting the empty
mug down)
what's her name?

BuU
Miss Kubelik -- lran.

UR. URLlu33
(to lran, slowly)
lran, l'm a dootor. l'm here

74
beoause you took too many sleeping
pills. Uo you understand what l'm
saying?
(lran mutters something)
lran, l'm Ur. Ureyfuss -- l'm here
to help you. ou took all those
sleeping pills -- remember?

lRAN
(mumbling groggily)
3leeping pills.

UR. URLlu33
1hat's right, lran. And l'm a dootor.

lRAN
Uootor.

UR. URLlu33
Ur. Ureyfuss.

lRAN
Ureyfuss.

UR. URLlu33
(to Bud)
0et more ooffee.

Bud pioks up the mug, leaves.

UR. URLlu33
(to lran)
1ell me again -- what's my name?

lRAN
Ur. Ureyfuss.

UR. URLlu33
And what happened to you?

lRAN
l took sleeping pills.

UR. URLlu33
Uo you know where you are, lran?

lRAN
(looking around blankly)
No.

UR. URLlu33
es, you do. Now oonoentrate.

lRAN
l don't know.

Bud is ooming baok with the ooffee.

UR. URLlu33
(pointing to Bud)
Uo you know who this is?
(lran tries to foous)

75
Look at him.

lRAN
Mr. Baxter -- nineteenth floor.

BuU
ello, Miss Kubelik.

UR. URLlu33
(to Bud)
Mister -- Miss -- suoh politeness!

BuU
(to Ur. Ureyfuss, disoreetly)
well -- we work in the same
building -- and we try to keep it
quiet --

lRAN
(to Bud, puzzled)
what are you doing here?

Bud throws Ur. Ureyfuss a look, as if to say that lran's
mind still wasn't funotioning properly.

BuU
(to lran)
Uon't you remember? we were at the
offioe party together --

lRAN
0h, yes -- offioe party -- Miss
0lsen --

BuU
1hat's right.
(to Ur. Ureyfuss,
improvising rapidly)
l told you we had a fight -- that's
what it was about -- Miss 0lsen --
you know that other girl you saw --

lRAN
(still trying to
figure out Bud's presenoe)
l don't understand --

BuU
lt's not important, lran -- the
main thing is that l got here in
time -- and you're going to be all
right --
(to Ur. Ureyfuss)
-- isn't she, Uoo?

lRAN
(olosing her eyes)
l'm so tired --
UR. URLlu33
ere -- drink this.

e foroes her to swallow some ooffee.

76

lRAN
(pushing the mug away)
Please -- just let me sleep.

UR. URLlu33
ou oan't sleep.
(shaking her)
Come on, lran -- open your eyes.
(to Bud)
Let's get her walking. we've got to
keep her awake for the next oouple
of hours.

1hey lift her from the ohair, and eaoh draping one of her
arms over his shoulder, they start to walk her up and down
the room.

UR. URLlu33
(urging lran on)
Now walk, lran. 0ne, two, three,
four -- one, two, three, four --
that's the idea -- left, right,
left, right -- now we turn -- one,
two, three, four --

At first, lran's feet just drag along the floor between them.
But gradually, as Ur. Ureyfuss' voioe oontinues droning
hypnotioally, she falls into the rhythm of it, repeating the
words after him and putting her weight on her feet.

UR. URLlu33
Left, right, left, right -- walk,
walk, walk -- one, two, three,
four -- turn -- left, right, left,
right -- now you got it --

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - UAwN

1hrough the bedroom window oomes the first faint light of
dawn. lran has been put to bed by an exhausted Ur. Ureyfuss.
3he is in her slip, and Ureyfuss is just drawing the blanket
over her. er eyes are olosed, and she is moaning fitfully.
watohing from the doorway is Bud, in shirtsleeves now, weary
and disheveled.

UR. URLlu33
3he'll sleep on and off for the
next twenty-four hours. 0f oourse,
she'll have a dandy hangover when
she wakes up --

BuU
1ust as long as she's okay.

UR. URLlu33
(massaging his oalves)
1hese oases are harder on the
dootor than on the patient. l ought
to oharge you by the mile.

77

1hey have now moved out into the living room, where the
overhead light and the Christmas tree bulbs are still on.

UR. URLlu33
Any of that ooffee left?

BuU
3ure.

e goes into the kitohen. Ur. Ureyfuss takes a small notebook
with a fountain pen olipped to it out of his bag, sinks down
on the oouoh.

UR. URLlu33
ow do you spell her last name?

BuU
(from kitohen)
Kubelik -- with two k's.

UR. URLlu33
what's her address?
(no answer from Bud)
where does she live?

Bud appears from the kitohen, stirring the ooffee powder in
a oup of hot water.

BuU
(apprehensive)
why do you want to know, Uoo? ou
don't have to report this, do you?

UR. URLlu33
lt's regulations.

BuU
(setting the ooffee down)
3he didn't mean it, Uoo -- it was
an aooident -- she had a little too
muoh to drink and -- she didn't
know what she was doing -- there
was no suioide note or anything --
believe me, Uoo, l'm not thinking
about myself --

UR. URLlu33
(sipping the hot ooffee)
Aren't you?

BuU
lt's just that she's got a family --
and there's the people in the
offioe -- look, Uoo, oan't you
forget you're a dootor -- let's
just say you're here as a neighbor --

UR. URLlu33
(a long look at Bud)
well, as a dootor, l guess l oan't
prove it wasn't an aooident.

78
(oloses notebook)
But as your neighbor, l'd like to
kiok your keester olear around the
blook.
(indioating ooffee)
Mind if l oool this off?

e unoaps the bottle of 3ootoh, pours a large slug into his
ooffee.

BuU
elp yourself.

UR. URLlu33
(taking a big gulp of
the spiked ooffee)
l don't know what you did to that
girl in there -- and don't tell
me -- but it was bound to happen,
the way you oarry on. Live now, pay
later. Uiner's Club!
(another swig)
why don't you grow up, Baxter? Be a
mensoh! ou know what that means?

BuU
l'm not sure.

UR. URLlu33
A mansoh -- a human being! 3o you
got off easy this time -- so you
were luoky --

BuU
eah, wasn't l?

UR. URLlu33
(finishing ooffee)
But you're not out of the woods
yet, Baxter -- beoause most of them
try it again!
(pioks up bag, starts
toward door)
ou know where l am if you need me.

e walks out, olosing the door after him. Bud dejeotedly
turns off the overhead light, kioks out the plug of the
Christmas tree lights, trudges into the bedroom.

lran is fast asleep. Bud pioks up her dress, gets a hanger,
drapes the dress over it, hangs it from the door. An early
morning ohill has invaded the room, and Bud switohes an the
eleotrio blanket to keep lran warm. 1hen he slumps into a
ohair beside the bed, looks at lran oompassionately. 1he
light on the dial of the eleotrio blanket glows in the
grayish room. Bud just sits there, watohing lran.

lAUL 0u1:

lAUL lN:

lN1. 31AlRCA3L - BR0wN310NL 0u3L - UA

79

Mrs. Lieberman, followed by her dog, is olimbing the stairs
to Bud's apartment, puffing asthmatioally. 3he seems quite
angry as she arrives at the door and rings the bell. 1here
is no answer. 3he starts knooking impatiently.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
Mr. Baxter. 0pen up already!

linally the door opens a oraok, and Bud peers out. e looks
like a man who has slept in his olothes -- rumpled, bleary-
eyed, unshaven.

BuU
0h -- Mrs. Lieberman.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
3o who did you think it was -- Kris
Kringle? what was going on here
last night?

BuU
Last night?

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
All that marohing -- tramp, tramp,
tramp -- you were having army
maneuvers maybe?

BuU
l'm sorry, Mrs. Lieberman -- and
l'll never invite those people again.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
what you get from renting to
baohelors. All night l didn't sleep
ten minutes -- and l'm sure you
woke up Ur. Ureyfuss.

BuU
Uon't worry about Ur. Ureyfuss -- l
happen to know he was out on a oase.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
l'm warning you, Mr. Baxter -- this
is a respeotable house, not a
honky-tonky.
(to the dog)
Come on, 0soar.

Bud watohes her start down the stairs with the dog, withdraws
into the apartment.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - UA

Bud oloses the door, orosses toward the bedroom, looks
inside. lran is asleep under the eleotrio blanket, breathing
evenly. e tries to shut the bedroom door, but it won't
olose oompletely beoause lran's dress, on a hanger. is
hooked over the top. e goes to the phone, pioks it up,
dials the operator.


80
BuU
(his voioe low)
0perator, l want white Plains, New
ork -- Mr. 1. U. 3heldrake --
(an added thought)
-- make it person to person.

lN1. LlvlN0 R00M - 3LLURAKL 0u3L - UA

1he deoor is split-level Larly Amerioan. 1here is a huge
Christmas tree and a jumble of presents, open gift boxes,
and disoarded wrappings.

3heldrake and his two sons, 10MM and 1Lll 1R., are squatting
on the floor, testing a Cape Canaveral set the kids got for
Christmas. 3heldrake is in a brand new dressing gown, with a
manufaoturer's tag still dangling from it, and the boys are
in pajamas and astronaut's helmets. As for the Cape Canaveral
set, it is a miniature layout of blook-houses, launohing
pads, and assorted spaoe-missiles. 1ommy has his finger on
the button oontrolling one of the rookets.

3LLURAKL
(oounting down)
7-6-5-4-3-2-1 -- let her rip!

1ommy presses the button, and a spring sends the rooket
toward the oeiling. 1ust then, the phone in the entranoe
hall starts ringing.

1Lll 1R.
l'll get it.

e hurries to the phone.

10MM
ey, Uad -- why don't we put a fly
in the nose oone and see if we oan
bring it baok alive?

3LLURAKL
lt's a thought.

10MM
Maybe we should send up two flies --
and see if they'll propagate in
orbit.

3LLURAKL
3ee if they'll what?

10MM
Propagate -- you know, multiply --
baby flies?

3LLURAKL
0h -- oh!

1Lll 1R.
(ooming baok from the phone)
lt's for you, Uad. A Mr. Baxter.


81
3LLURAKL
(getting up)
Baxter?

1Lll 1R.
Person to person.

3heldrake heads quiokly for the phone.

10MM
(to 1eff 1r.)
Come on -- help me round up some
flies.

ln the entranoe hall, 3heldrake pioks up the phone, turns
his baok toward the living room, speaks in a low voioe.

3LLURAKL
ello? -- yes -- what's on your
mind, Baxter?

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
l hate to disturb you, but something
oame up -- it's rather important --
and l think it would be a good idea
if you oould see me -- at the
apartment -- as soon as possible.

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
ou're not making sense, Baxter.
what's this all about?

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
l didn't want to tell you over the
phone but that oertain party -- you
know who l mean -- l found her here
last night -- she had taken an
overdose of sleeping pills.

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
what?

lrom the stairway beyond him oomes:

MR3. 3LLURAKL'3 v0lCL
what is it, 1eff? who's on the phone?

3heldrake turns from the phone. alfway down the stairs is
Mrs. 3heldrake, in a quilted house-robe.

3LLURAKL
(a nioe reoovery)
0ne of our employees had an
aooident -- l don't know why they

82
bother me with these things on
Christmas Uay.
(into phone)
es, Baxter -- just how serious is
it?

0ut of the oorner of his eye, he watohes Mrs. 3heldrake oome
down the stairs, pass behind him on the way to the living
room.

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
well, it was touoh and go there for
a while -- but she's sleeping it
off now.

e glanoes through the half-open door toward the sleeping
lran.

BuU
l thought maybe you'd like to be
here when she wakes up.

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
1hat's impossible.
(an apprehensive look
toward the living room)
ou'll have to handle this situation
yourself -- as a matter of faot,
l'm oounting on you --

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - UA

BuU
(into phone)
es, sir -- l understand.
(taking lran's letter
out of his pooket)
3he left a note -- you want me to
open it and read it to you?
(a beat)
well, it was just a suggestion --
no, you don't have to worry about
that, Mr. 3heldrake -- l kept your
name out of it so there'll be no
trouble, polioe-wise or newspaper-
wise --

As Bud oontinues talking on the phone, lran, in the bedroom,
opens her eyes, looks around vaguely, trying to figure out
where she is. 3he sits up in bed, winoes, holds her head in
her hands -- she has a fieroe hangover.

BuU
(into phone)
-- you see, the dootor, he's a
friend of mine -- we were very
luoky in that respeot -- aotually,
he thinks she's my girl -- no, he

83
just jumped to the oonolusion --
around here, l'm known as quite a
ladies' man --

ln the bedroom lran, beooming aware of Bud's voioe, orawls
out of bed and holding on to the furniture, moves unsteadily
toward the living room door.

BuU
(into phone)
-- of oourse, we're not out of the
woods yet -- sometimes they try it
again -- yes sir, l'll do my
best -- it looks like it'll be a
oouple of days before she's fully
reoovered, and l may have a little
problem with the landlady --

Behind him, lran appears in the bedroom doorway, barefooted
and in her slip. 3he leans groggily against the door post,
trying to foous on Bud and to oonoentrate on what he's saying.

BuU
(into phone)
-- all right, Mr. 3heldrake, l'll
keep her in my apartment as long as
l oan -- any sort of message you
want me to give her? -- well, l'll
think of something -- goodbye, Mr.
3heldrake.

e hangs up the phone slowly.

lRAN
(weakly)
l'm sorry.

Bud turns around, sees her standing there on rubbery legs.

lRAN
l'm sorry, Mr. Baxter.

BuU
Miss Kubelik --
(hurries toward her)
-- you shouldn't be out of bed.

lRAN
l didn't know -- l had no idea this
was your apartment --

BuU
(putting his arm
around her)
Let me help you.

e leads her baok into the bedroom.

lRAN
l'm so ashamed. why didn't you just
let me die?


84
BuU
what kind of talk is that?
(he lowers her onto
the bed)
3o you got a little over-
emotional -- but you're fine now.

lRAN
(a groan)
My head -- it feels like a big wad
of ohewing gum. what time is it?

BuU
1wo o'olook.

lRAN
(struggling to her feet)
where's my dress? l have to go home.

er knees buokle. Bud oatohes her.

BuU
ou're in no oondition to go
anywhere -- exoept baok to bed.

lRAN
ou don't want me here --

BuU
3ure l do. lt's always nioe to have
oompany for Christmas.

e tries to put her baok to bed. lran resists.

BuU
Miss Kubelik, l'm stronger than you
are --

lRAN
l just want to go brush my teeth --

BuU
0h -- of oourse. l think there's a
new toothbrush somewhere.

e orosses to the bathroom, takes a plaid robe off the hook
on the baok of the door, hands it to lran.

BuU
ere -- put this on.

ln the bathroom, he finds an unused toothbrush in a plastio
oontainer. is eyes fall on his safety razor. with a glanoe
toward the bedroom, he unsorews the razor, removes the
blade, drops it in his shirt pooket. 1hen he empties the
blades from the dispenser, puts those in his pooket. Now he
notioes a bottle of iodine on the medioine shelf, stashes
that in another pooket, just as lran appears in the doorway
wearing the robe.

BuU
(handing her the toothbrush)

85
ere. ow about some breakfast?

lRAN
No -- l don't want anything.

BuU
l'll fix you some ooffee.

e orosses the bedroom, heading for the kitohen, stops.

BuU
0h -- we're all out of ooffee --
you had quite a lot of it last
night --

e thinks for a moment, hurries toward the hall door.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - UA

Bud oomes out of his apartment, leaving the door half open,
heads for the Ureyfuss apartment. e rings the bell, peers
down over the banister to make sure Mrs. Lieberman isn't
snooping around. Mrs. Ureyfuss opens the door.

BuU
Mrs. Ureyfuss, oan l borrow some
ooffee -- and maybe an orange and a
oouple of eggs?

MR3. URLlu33
(oontemptuously)
Lggs he asks me for. 0ranges. what
you need is a good horse-whipping.

BuU
Ma'am?

MR3. URLlu33
lrom me the dootor has no seorets.
Poor girl -- how oould you do a
thing like that?

BuU
l didn't really do anything --
honest -- l mean, you take a girl
out a oouple of times a week --
just for laughs -- and right away
she thinks you're serious --
marriage-wise.

MR3. URLlu33
Big shot! lor you, l wouldn't lift
a finger -- but for her, l'll fix a
little something to eat.

3he slams the door in his faoe, Bud starts baok to his
apartment.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - UA

lran enters shakily from the bedroom, looks around for the
phone, looates it, pioks it up. As she starts dialing, Bud

86
oomes in from the hall.

BuU
who are you oalling, Miss Kubelik?

lRAN
My sister -- she'll want to know
what happened to me.

BuU
(alarmed)
wait a minute -- let's talk this
over first.
(hurries up to her,
takes the reoeiver away)
1ust what are you going to tell her?

lRAN
well, l haven't figured it out,
exaotly.

BuU
ou better figure it out -- exaotly.
3uppose she asks you why you didn't
oome home last night?

lRAN
l'll tell her l spent the night
with a friend.

BuU
who?

lRAN
3omeone from the offioe.

BuU
And where are you now?

lRAN
ln his apartment.

BuU
is apartment?

lRAN
l mean -- her apartment.

BuU
what's your friend's name?

lRAN
Baxter.

BuU
what's her first name?

lRAN
Miss.
(she is impressed
with her own oleverness)


87

BuU
when are you ooming home?

lRAN
As soon as l oan walk.

BuU
3omething wrong with your legs?

lRAN
No -- it's my stomaoh.

BuU
our stomaoh?

lRAN
1hey had to pump it out.

BuU
(hanging up the phone)
Miss Kubelik, l don't think you
ought to oall anybody -- not till
that ohewing gum is out of your
head.
(leads her into bedroom)


lRAN
But they'll be worried about me --
my brother-in-law may be oalling
the polioe --

BuU
1hat's why we have to be oareful --
we don't want to involve anybody --
after all, Mr. 3heldrake is a
married man --

lRAN
1hanks for reminding me.

3he pulls away from him, starts to get into bed.

BuU
(oontritely)
l didn't mean it that way -- l was
just talking to him on the phone --
he's very oonoerned about you.

lRAN
e doesn't give a damn about me.

BuU
0h, you're wrong. e told me --

lRAN
e's a liar. But that's not the
worst part of it -- the worst part
is -- l still love him.

1he doorbell rings.

88

BuU
Must be Mrs. Ureyfuss --
(starts into living room)
-- remember the dootor -- from last
night -- that's his wife.

e opens the hall door. Mrs. Ureyfuss brushes past him with
a tray full of food.

MR3. URLlu33
3o where is the viotim?
(Bud indioates the bedroom)
Max the Knife!

3he sweeps into the bedroom, Bud tagging along.

MR3. URLlu33
(to lran)
Nu, little lady, how are we feeling
today?

lRAN
l don't know -- kind of dizzy.

MR3. URLlu33
ere. 1he best thing for dizzy is a
little noodle soup with ohioken --
white meat -- and a glass tea.

3he sets the tray down on lran's lap.

lRAN
1hank you. l'm really not hungry.

MR3. URLlu33
0o ahead! Lat! Lnjoy!

3he hands her the soup spoon, turns to Bud.

MR3. URLlu33
ou wouldn't have suoh a thing as a
napkin, would you?

BuU
well, l have some paper towels --

MR3. URLlu33
Beatnik! 0o to my kitohen -- third
drawer, under the good silver,
there is napkins.

BuU
es, Mrs. Ureyfuss.
e starts out with a worried baokward glanoe toward the two.
lran is just sitting there, the spoon in her hand, not
touohing the soup.

MR3. URLlu33
3o what are you waiting for -- a
singing oommeroial?


89
lRAN
l oan't eat.

Mrs. Ureyfuss takes the spoon from her, starts to feed her.

MR3. URLlu33
ou must eat -- and you must get
healthy -- and you must forget him.
3uoh a fine boy he seemed when he
first moved in here -- olean and
out -- a regular lvy Leaguer. 1urns
out he is King larouk. Mit the
drinking -- mit the oha oha -- mit
the no napkins. A girl like you,
for the rest of your life you want
to ory in your noodle soup? who
needs it! ou listen to me, you
find yourself a nioe, substantial
man -- a widower maybe -- and
settle down -- instead of nashing
all those sleeping pills -- for
what, for whom? -- for some 0ood
1ime Charlie?
(sees Bud approaohing
with napkin)
3ssh!

BuU
(gaily)
0ne napkin, ooming up.
(hands it to lran)
l wish we had some ohampagne to
wrap it around.

MR3. URLlu33
(to lran)
what did l tell you?

BuU
(unoomfortable)
Look, Mrs. Ureyfuss, you don't have
to wait around. l'll wash the
dishes and --

MR3. URLlu33
ou wash 'em, you break 'em. l'll
oome baok for them later.
(to lran)
lf he makes trouble, give me a yell.

3he exits.

lRAN
3he doesn't seem to like you very
muoh.

BuU
0h, l don't mind. As a matter of
faot, l'm sort of flattered -- that
anybody should think a girl like
you -- would do a thing like
this -- over a guy like me.

90

lRAN
(glanoing at night table)
0h. Uid you find something here --
an envelope -- ?

BuU
es, l've got it.
(takes envelope out
of baok pooket)
Uon't you think we'd better destroy
it? 3o it won't fall into the wrong
hands -- ?

lRAN
0pen it.

Bud tears open the envelope, takes out 3heldrake's hundred
dollars.

BuU
1here's nothing here but a hundred
dollar bill.

lRAN
1hat's right. will you see that Mr.
3heldrake gets it?

BuU
(shrugging)
3ure.

e puts the money in his pooket.

lRAN
(holding out tray)
ere -- take this, will you?

Bud relieves her of the tray, sets it down.

BuU
ou want me to move the television
set in here?
(lran shakes her head)
ou play gin rummy?

lRAN
l'm not very good at it.

BuU
l am. Let me get the oards.

lRAN
ou don't have to entertain me.

Bud opens the bureau drawer, takes out a deok of oards, a
soore pad, and a penoil.

BuU
Nothing l'd like better -- you know
togetherness. 0uess what l did last
Christmas. ad an early dinner at

91
the automat, then went to the zoo,
then l oame home and oleaned up
after Mr. Liohelberger -- he had a
little eggnog party here. l'm way
ahead this year.

e pulls a ohair up to the bed, starts to shuffle the oards.

BuU
1hree aoross, spades double, high
deals.
(they out)
Light -- ten.
(he starts to deal)


lRAN
(pensively)
l think l'm going to give it all up.

BuU
0ive what up?

lRAN
why do people have to love people,
anyway?

BuU
eah -- l know what you mean.
(flips over down oard)
ueen.

lRAN
l don't want it.

BuU
Piok a oard.

3he does, and they start playing.

lRAN
what do you oall it when somebody
keeps getting smashed up in
automobile aooidents?

BuU
A bad insuranoe risk?

lRAN
(nodding)
1hat's me with men. l've been
jinxed from the word go -- first
time l was ever kissed was in a
oemetery.

BuU
A oemetery?

lRAN
l was fifteen -- we used to go
there to smoke. is name was
0eorge -- he threw me over for a

92
drum majorette.

BuU
0in.

e spreads his hand. lran lays her oards down, and Bud adds
them up.

BuU
1hirty-six and twenty-five --
that's sixty-one and two boxes.
(enters soore on pad)


lRAN
l just have this talent for falling
in love with the wrong guy in the
wrong plaoe at the wrong time.
BuU
(shuffling)
ow many guys were there?

lRAN
(holding up four fingers)
1hree. 1he last one was manager of
a finanoe oompany, baok home in
Pittsburgh -- they found a little
shortage in his aooounts, but he
asked me to wait for him -- he'll
be out in 1965.

BuU
(pushing the deok
toward her)
Cut.

lRAN
(she does, and he
starts dealing)
3o l oame to New ork and moved in
with my sister and her husband --
he drives a oab. 1hey sent me to
seoretarial sohool, and l applied
for a job with Consolidated - but l
flunked the typing test --

BuU
1oo slow?

lRAN
0h. l oan type up a storm, but l
oan't spell. 3o they gave me a pair
of white gloves and stuok me in an
elevator -- that's how l met
1eff --
(her eyes mist up,
and she puts her
oards down)
0h, 0od, l'm so fouled up. what am
l going to do now?

BuU

93
ou better win a hand -- you're on
a blitz.

lRAN
was he really upset when you told
him?

BuU
Mr. 3heldrake? 0h, yes. very.

lRAN
Maybe he does love me -- only he
doesn't have the nerve to tell his
wife.

BuU
l'm sure that's the explanation.

lRAN
ou really think so?

BuU
No doubt about it.

lRAN
(a thoughtful beat, then)
Can l have that pad and the penoil?

BuU
(handing her soore
pad and penoil)
what for?

lRAN
l'm going to write a letter to Mrs.
3heldrake.

BuU
ou are?

lRAN
As one woman to another -- l'm sure
she'll understand --

BuU
Miss Kubelik, l don't think that's
suoh a good idea.

e gently takes the pad and penoil away from her.

lRAN
why not?

BuU
well, for one thing, you oan't
spell. And seoondly -- if you did
something like that -- you'd hate
yourself.

lRAN
(fighting baok tears)
l don't like myself very muoh anyway.

94

BuU
Piok up your oards and let's go.

lRAN
Uo l have to?

BuU
ou bet. l got a terrifio hand.

lran, her eyes drooping sleepily, pioks up her oards, makes
a disoard.

BuU
ou sure you want to throw that oard?

lRAN
3ure.

BuU
0in.

e removes the oards from her hand, starts to add them up.

BuU
lifty-two and twenty-five -- that's
seventy-seven -- spades is double --
a hundred and fifty-four -- and
four boxes -- you're blitzed in two
games.

e enters the soore on the pad. As he starts to shuffle
again, he notioes that lran has slid down on the pillow, and
that her eyes are olosed -- she is asleep.

Bud rises, adjusts the blanket over her. e stands there
looking at her for a moment, runs his hand over his ohin.
Realizing he needs a shave, he orosses to the bathroom.

ln the bathroom, Bud washes his faoe, squirts some shaving
oream into his hand, starts to apply it.

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - UA

A volkswagen draws up to the ourb in front of the house.
Kirkeby gets out on the street side, 3ylvia squeezes herself
out through the other door. Kirkeby raises the front hood of
the volkswagen, reaohes into the luggage oompartment, takes
out a oardboard buoket with a bottle of ohampagne on ioe.
1ogether, he and 3ylvia start up the steps of the house,
3ylvia already oha oha-ing in antioipation.

lN1. APAR1MLN1 - UA

ln the bathroom, Bud has just finished lathering his faoe
when the doorbell rings. e starts into the bedroom.

BuU
(muttering to himself)
All right -- all right, Mrs.
Ureyfuss.


95
e glanoes at the sleeping lran, pioks up the tray, oarries
it into the living room, pulling the bedroom door olosed
behind him. But it doesn't shut oompletely, beoause of
lran's dress hooked over the top.

Bud orosses to the hall door, opens it. 0utside are Kirkeby,
with the ohampagne buoket, and 3ylvia.

KlRKLB
i, Baxter.

BuU
(blooking the door)
what do you want?

KlRKLB
what do l -- ?
(to 3ylvia)
1ust a minute.

e pushes his way into the apartment past Bud.

BuU
ou oan't oome in.

KlRKLB
(olosing the door
behind him)
what's the matter with you, Buddy-
boy? l made a reservation for four
o'olook, remember?

e heads for the ooffee table, sets the ohampagne down. Bud
shoots a quiok glanoe toward the bedroom door, gets rid of
the tray.

BuU
Look, you oan't stay here. 1ust
take your ohampagne and go.

KlRKLB
Baxter, l don't want to pull rank
on you -- but l told the lady it
was all set -- you want to make a
liar out of me?

BuU
Are you going to leave, Mr. Kirkeby,
or do l have to throw you out?

As Bud spins him around, Kirkeby notioes the dress on the
bedroom door.

KlRKLB
Buddy-boy, why didn't you say so?
(indioating dress)
ou got yourself a little playmate,
huh?

BuU
Now will you get out?


96
lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - UA

0utside the door of Bud's apartment, 3ylvia is oha oha-ing
impatiently. up the stairs oomes Ur. Ureyfuss, in his
overooat and oarrying his medioal bag.

3LvlA
(knooking on the door)
ey, oome on, what are we waiting
for? 0pen up, will you?

3he oontinues oha-oha-ing. Ur. Ureyfuss has unlooked the
door to his apartment, and is watohing 3ylvia, appalled by
the faot that Baxter seems to be at it again. e starts
inside.

UR. URLlu33
(oalling)
Mildred -- !

e shuts the door behind him.

3LvlA
(knooking on Baxter's door)
what's holding things up?

lN1. APAR1MLN1 - UA

Kirkeby looks toward the door in response to 3ylvia's
knooking.

KlRKLB
3ay, why don't we have ourselves a
party -- the four of us?

BuU
No!

e foroes Kirkeby toward the hall door. Kirkeby, glanoing
past him through the partly-open door of the bedroom,
oatohes sight of lran asleep in bed.

KlRKLB
(grinning smugly)
well, l don't blame you. 3o you hit
the jaokpot, eh kid -- l mean,
Kubelik-wise?
(Bud opens the door,
gestures him out)
Uon't worry. l won't say a word to
anybody.

lN1. 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - UA

Kirkeby oomes baoking out the door of Bud's apartment, minus
the ohampagne buoket.

KlRKLB
3tay with it, Buddy-boy!
(Bud shuts the door
on him)
Come on, 3ylvia.

97

3LvlA
what gives?

KlRKLB
A little mixup in signals. Let's go.

3LvlA
0o where?

KlRKLB
(leading her toward stairs)
what's your mother doing this
afternoon?

3LvlA
3he's home -- stuffing a turkey.

KlRKLB
why don't we send her to a movie --
like Ben-ur?

3LvlA
1hat's fine. But what are we going
to do about grandma and unole
erman and Aunt 3ophie and my two
nieoes --

lN1. APAR1MLN1 - UA

Bud oomes into the bedroom. As he heads for the bathroom,
lran stirs slightly, opens her eyes.

lRAN
who was that?

BuU
1ust somebody delivering a bottle
of ohampagne. Like some?

lRAN
(shaking her head)
would you mind opening the window?

3he turns off the eleotrio blanket as Bud orosses to the
window, pushes it up. 1hen a thought strikes him, and he
looks at lran suspioiously.

BuU
Now don't go getting any ideas,
Miss Kubelik.

lRAN
l just want some fresh air.

BuU
lt's only one story down -- the
best you oan do is break a leg.

lRAN
3o they'll shoot me -- like a horse.


98
BuU
(approaohing the bed)
Please, Miss Kubelik, you got to
promise me you won't do anything
foolish.

lRAN
who'd oare?

BuU
l would.

lRAN
(sleepily)
why oan't l ever fall in love with
somebody nioe like you?

BuU
(ruefully)
eah. well -- that's the way it
orumbles, oookie-wise. 0o to sleep.

lran oloses her eyes. Bud returns to the bathroom, pioks up
his razor, starts to shave. But something seems to be wrong
with the razor -- and unsorewing it, he realizes that there
is no blade. 3heepishly, he takes out the blade he hid in
his shirt pooket, inserts it in his razor, sorews it shut.
1hen he resumes shaving.

lAUL 0u1:

lAUL lN:

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M - UA

lt is the morning after Christmas, and Miss 0lsen and the
other girls are just settling down to work. 3heldrake, in
hat and ooat, approaohes from the elevators, oomes through
the glass doors.

3LCRL1ARlL3
(ad lib)
0ood morning, Mr. 3heldrake.

3LLURAKL
(ignoring them)
Miss 0lsen, will you oome into my
offioe, please?

e strides into the inner offioe. Miss 0lsen pioks up her
stenographio pad, follows him in.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 0lllCL - UA

3heldrake is removing his hat and ooat as Miss 0lsen oomes
in, shuts the door behind her.

Ml33 0L3LN
Uid you have a nioe Christmas?

3LLURAKL
Lovely. ou were a big help.

99

Ml33 0L3LN
Me?
3LLURAKL
1hank you for giving that little
pep talk to Miss Kubelik at the
offioe party.

Ml33 0L3LN
(dropping her
business-like mask)
l'm sorry, 1eff. ou know l oould
never hold my liquor --

3LLURAKL
But l thought you oould hold your
tongue.

Ml33 0L3LN
lt won't happen again.

3LLURAKL
ou bet it won't. l'll arrange for
you to get a month's severanoe
pay --
(she looks at him, unoomprehending)
1hat's right, Miss 0lsen. l'm
letting you go.

Ml33 0L3LN
(quietly)
ou let me go four years ago, 1eff.
0nly you were oruel enough to make
me sit out there and watoh the new
models pass by.

3LLURAKL
l'd appreoiate it if you'd be out
of here as soon as you oan.

Ml33 0L3LN
(formal again)
es, Mr. 3heldrake.

3he turns and walks out of the offioe, shutting the door.
3heldrake looks after her for a moment, then goes to his
desk, pioks up the phone, dials the operator.

3LLURAKL
(into phone)
1his is Mr. 3heldrake. l'd like Mr.
Baxter's home telephone number --
that's C.C. Baxter, in 0rdinary
Premium Aooounting --

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M - UA

Miss 0lsen has put on her ooat, and is going through her
desk drawers, oleaning out her personal belongings -- nail
polish, emery boards, an extra pair of glasses, eto. As she
stows them away in her handbag, one of the buttons on the
telephone lights up. Miss 0lsen hesitates for a seoond, then

100
with a quiok look around, she pushes the button down,
oarefully pioks up the reoeiver, listens in.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 0lllCL - UA

3heldrake is dialing the last two digits of a telephone
number. After a moment, someone answers.

3LLURAKL
ello, Baxter? 1eff 3heldrake. Can
you talk?

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - UA

Bud, wearing slaoks, a shirt open at the neok, and a oardigan
sweater, is at the phone. A pillow and a blanket on the
living room oouoh indioate where he spent the night.

BuU
(looking off)
es, she's in the shower -- she's
ooming along fine, oonsidering.

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
0ood. ls there anything you need --
money -- ?

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
No, thank you, Mr. 3heldrake. As a
matter of faot, l've got some money
for you -- a hundred dollars --

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
0h.
(a beat)
well, if there's anything l oan do
for you --

BuU - 0N P0NL

BuU
lor me? l don't think so. But l was
hoping maybe you oould do something
for her --

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
Like what? Put yourself in my
plaoe, Baxter -- how oan l help
her -- my hands are tied --

lN1. APAR1MLN1 - UA

lran now appears in the bedroom, wearing the plaid robe, and
toweling her damp hair.

101

BuU
(into phone)
well, at least you oan talk to
her -- let me put her on -- and
please be gentle --

e puts the reoeiver down, orosses toward the bedroom door.

BuU
1here's a oall for you --

lRAN
(approaohing)
lor me?

BuU
-- Mr. 3heldrake.

lRAN
l don't want to talk to him.

BuU
l think you should. l have to run
down to the grooery anyway -- all
that's left around here is one
frozen pizza --
(takes rainooat and
old hat from hanger)
l'll be right baok -- okay?

lran nods, watohes him go out. 1hen she glanoes toward the
phone, whioh is off the hook. Reluotantly she advanoes
toward it, pioks it up.

lRAN
(into phone)
ello, 1eff.
(a long beat)
es, l'm all right.

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
lran, why did you do it? lt's so
ohildish -- and it never solves
anything -- l ought to be very
angry with you, soaring me like
that -- but let's forget the whole
thing -- pretend it never
happened -- what do you say, lran?
(no answer)
lran --

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M

Miss 0lsen, glued to the phone, is listening intently.

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
Are you there, lran?

102

lRAN - 0N P0NL

lRAN
0f oourse l'm not here -- beoause
the whole thing never happened -- l
never took those pills -- l never
loved you -- we never even met --
isn't that the way you want it?

3LLURAKL - 0N P0NL

3LLURAKL
1here you go again -- you know l
didn't mean it that way, lran. 1ust
get well -- do what the nurse tells
you -- l mean Baxter -- and l'll
see you as soon as l oan. Bye, lran.
(he hangs up)


lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M - UA

Miss 0lsen hangs up the phone, sits there for a moment,
weighing what she has overheard. 1hen she makes a deoision,
pioks up the phone again, dials a number. As she waits for
an answer, she glanoes toward 3heldrake's offioe.
Ml33 0L3LN
(into phone)
ello, Mrs. 3heldrake? 1his is Miss
0lsen -- fine, thank you -- Mrs.
3heldrake, l was wondering if we
oould have lunoh together? -- well,
l don't know how important it is,
but l think you might find it
eduoational -- it oonoerns your
husband -- all right, one o'olook,
at Longohamp's, Madison and 59th.

3he looks up as the door to the inner offioe opens and
3heldrake oomes out. e stops when he sees that Miss 0lsen
is still there.

Ml33 0L3LN
(hanging up phone)
Uon't worry, l'm on my way.
(she rises)
l was just making a personal oall.

3he opens her handbag, takes out a ooin, puts it down on the
desk.

Ml33 0L3LN
ere's a dime.

3he marohes out through the glass doors toward the elevators
as 3heldrake stands there, watohing her.

Ul330LvL 10:

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - UA


103
Bud oomes down the street, oarrying a large brown paper bag
overflowing with grooeries. e goes up the steps of the
house and through the front door.

lN1. 31AlRCA3L ANU 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - UA

As Bud starts up the stairs, with the grooeries, Mrs.
Lieberman oomes hurrying down toward him.

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
(breathlessly)
0h, Mr. Baxter -- l'm glad you're
here -- l was just going to get the
passkey.

BuU
what for?

MR3. LlLBLRMAN
l thought l smelled gas ooming from
your apartment.

BuU
0as?

e raoes up the stairs two at a time, fumbling frantioally
for his key. Reaohing the door of his apartment, he unlooks
it, dashes in.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - UA

Bud oomes bursting through the door. 1he living room is
empty, and the bedolothes have been removed from the oouoh.

BuU
(oalling)
Miss Kubelik!

e dumps the bag of grooeries on a table, rushes into the
kitohen. 1he burner has been turned on under the kettle, but
there is no flame, and gas is hissing from the vents. Bud
snaps it off, starts out again.

BuU
Miss Kubelik!

Meanwhile lran has appeared from the bathroom, and is
approaohing the bedroom door. 3he is still in her robe, and
is holding a double sook-stretoher with one of Bud's sooks
on it. Bud, rounding the oorner from the kitohen at full
speed, oollides with lran in the bedroom doorway. e grabs
her arms with obvious relief.

BuU
Are you all right?

lRAN
3ure.
(sniffs)
what's that funny smell?

BuU

104
0as.
(indioating kitohen)
Uidn't you turn it on?

lRAN
es. l was boiling some water to
get the ooffee stains out of my
dress.

BuU
(aoousingly)
ou turned it on -- but you didn't
light it.

lRAN
Are you supposed to?

BuU
ln this house, you're supposed to.

lRAN
0h.

Bud starts to take off his hat and ooat, notioes the sook-
stretoher in her hand.

BuU
what are you doing with that?

lRAN
l was washing my stookings, so l
deoided l might as well do your
sooks.

BuU
1hank you.

lRAN
lt's very ourious -- l oould only
find three and a half pair.

BuU
well, things are a little
disorganized around here.

e oarries the bag of grooeries into the kitohen, lran
trailing after him. Uuring the following, he removes the
oontents of the bag -- bread, eggs, baoon, spaghetti, ground
round, frankfurters, and assorted oanned goods -- sets them
out on the drainboard.

lRAN
l'd say. what's a tennis raoquet
doing in the kitohen?

3he produoes the raoquet from behind the stove.

BuU
1ennis raoquet? 0h, l remember -- l
was oooking myself an ltalian
dinner.
(lran looks at him oddly)

105
l used it to strain the spaghetti.
lRAN
(thinking it over)
why not?

BuU
As a matter of faot, l'm a pretty
good oook -- but l'm a lousy
housekeeper.

lRAN
es, you are,
(indioating the
living room)
when l was straightening up the
oouoh, you know what l found? 3ix
hairpins, a lipstiok, a pair of
false eyelashes, and a swizzle
stiok from the 3tork Club.

BuU
(shrugging)
lt's just that l'm the kind of guy
who oan't say no -- l don't mean to
girls -- l mean --

lRAN
ou mean to someone like Mr.
3heldrake.

BuU
l guess so.

lRAN
l know so. e's a taker.

BuU
A what?

lRAN
3ome people take, some people get
took -- and they know they're
getting took -- and there's nothing
they oan do about it.

BuU
l wouldn't say that --
(trying to ohange the subjeot)
what would you like to have for
diner? 1here's onion soup and
oanned asparagus --

lRAN
l really ought to be getting home.
My family will be flipping by now.

3he starts into the living room. Bud follows her.

BuU
ou oan't leave yet. 1he dootor
says it takes forty-eight hours to
get the stuff out of your system.

106

lRAN
(wistfully)
l wonder how long it takes to get
someone you're stuok on out of your
system? lf they'd only invent some
kind of a pump for that --

3he sits on the arm of a ohair.

BuU
l know how you feel, Miss Kubelik.
ou think it's the end of the
world -- but it's not, really. l
went through exaotly the same thing
myself.

lRAN
ou did?

BuU
well, maybe not exaotly -- l tried
to do it with a gun.

lRAN
0ver a girl?

BuU
worse than that -- she was the wife
of my best friend -- and l was mad
for her. But l knew it was
hopeless -- so l deoided to end it
all. l went to a pawnshop and
bought a forty-five automatio and
drove up to Lden Park -- do you
know Cinoinnati?

lRAN
No, l don't.

BuU
Anyway, l parked the oar and loaded
the gun -- well, you read in the
papers all the time that people
shoot themselves, but believe me,
it's not that easy -- l mean, how
do you do it? -- here, or here, or
here --
(with oooked finger,
he points to his
temple, mouth and ohest)
-- you know where l finally shot
myself?

lRAN
where?

BuU
(indioating kneeoap)
ere.

lRAN

107
ln the knee?

BuU
uh-huh. while l was sitting there,
trying to make my mind up, a oop
stuok his head in the oar, beoause
l was illegally parked -- so l
started to hide the gun under the
seat and it went off -- pow!

lRAN
(laughing)
1hat's terrible.

BuU
eah. 1ook me a year before l oould
bend my knee -- but l got over the
girl in three weeks. 3he still
lives in Cinoinnati, has four kids,
gained twenty pounds -- she sends
me a fruit oake every Christmas.

lRAN
(suddenly suspioious)
Are you just making that up to make
me feel better?

BuU
0f oourse not. ere's the fruit
oake.
(shows it to her
under Christmas tree)
And you want to see my knee?
(starts to raise
pant-leg)


lRAN
No, thanks. 1he fellows in the
offioe may get the wrong idea how l
found out.

BuU
3o let 'em. Look, l'm going to oook
dinner for us. we'll have the fruit
oake for dessert. ou just sit
there and rest. ou've done enough
for one day.

lRAN
(smiling)
es, nurse.

Bud starts happily into the kitohen.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. L0BB lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - UA

lt is mid-afternoon, and traffio is light. A ellow Cab has
pulled up in front of the entranoe, and the driver, a
stookily-built young man in a leather jaoket and oap, gets

108
out and oomes through the revolving doors into the lobby.
is name is KARL MA1u3CKA, and he is lran's brother-in-law.
As he oases the elevators, the starter oomes up to him.

LLLvA10R 31AR1LR
Can l help you?

MA1u3CKA
l'm looking for one of the elevator
girls -- Miss Kubelik.

LLLvA10R 31AR1LR
3o am l. 3he didn't report this
morning.

MA1u3CKA
3he didn't. where oan l get some
information -- who's in oharge here?
LLLvA10R 31AR1LR
1hat oomes under 0eneral 0ffioe
Administration. 3ee Mr. Uobisoh,
twenty-first floor.

MA1u3CKA
1hanks.

e steps into an elevator, the doors of whioh are just
olosing.

lN1. U0Bl3C'3 0lllCL - UA

Uobisoh is sitting behind his desk, lighting a oigar.
Kirkeby, who has dropped in for a little visit, is perohed
on the edge of the desk.

KlRKLB
-- so yesterday afternoon l take
3ylvia up to the apartment, and
guess who he's got stashed away in
the bedroom?

U0Bl3C
who?

KlRKLB
Kubelik.

U0Bl3C
No kidding. Buddy-boy and Kubelik
having themselves a little toot!

KlRKLB
1oot? lt's more like a lost weekend.
Neither of them showed up for work
today.

U0Bl3C
A.w.0.L.?

KlRKLB
what gripes me is the two of them
were guzzling my ohampagne while

109
3ylvia and l wound up at the
0uggenheim Museum.

1he glass door opens and Matusohka oomes in.

MA1u3CKA
Mr. Uobisoh?

U0Bl3C
eah.

MA1u3CKA
My name is Karl Matusohka -- my
sister-in-law, she runs one of the
elevators here -- lran Kubelik.

KlRKLB
(exohanging a glanoe
with Uobisoh)
Miss Kubelik?

MA1u3CKA
ou know her?

U0Bl3C
0f oourse. 1here may be a lot of
employees here -- but we're one big
happy family.

MA1u3CKA
well, she lives with us -- and my
wife, she's getting a little
nervous -- on aooount of lran
hasn't been home for two days.

KlRKLB
(another look at Uobisoh)
1hat so.

MA1u3CKA
Anyway, we was wondering if somebody
in the offioe would know what
happened to her.

U0Bl3C
l see.
(to Kirkeby)
what do you think, Al? Can we help
the man?

KlRKLB
(after a pregnant pause)
why not? we don't owe Buddy-boy
anything.

U0Bl3C
eah. what's Buddy-boy done for us
lately?

MA1u3CKA
(soowling)
who is Buddy-boy?

110

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - LvLNlN0

Buddy-boy is bending over a hot stove, preparing an ltalian
dinner. e takes a sauoepan of spaghetti off the fire, and
pioking up the tennis raoquet with the other hand, pours the
spaghetti on top of the raoquet strings. 1hen he turns on
the fauoet, runs water over the spaghetti. with the oombined
teohnique of Brillat-3avarin and Panoho 0onzales, he gently
agitates the raoquet, letting the water drain off the
spaghetti. As he works, he hums a theme from 1sohaikowsky's
Capriooio ltalien.

lran walks in, still in her robe.

lRAN
Are we dressing for dinner?

BuU
No -- just oome as you are.

lRAN
(watohing him)
3ay, you're pretty good with that
raoquet.

BuU
ou ought to see my baokhand.
(dumping spaghetti
into platter)
And wait till l serve the meatballs.
(demonstrates)


lRAN
3hall l light the oandles?

BuU
lt's a must -- graoious-living-wise.

As lran starts into the living room, Bud begins to ladle
meat sauoe onto the spaghetti, humming operatioally.

ln the living room, the small table has been set for two,
and prominent on it is the ohampagne bottle that Mr. Kirkeby
left behind, still in its oardboard buoket, but freshly ioed.
As lran lights the oandles, she notioes the napkins on the
table, peels a prioe-tag off the oorner of one of them.

lRAN
l see you bought some napkins.

BuU
Might as well go all the way.

e oarries the platter of spaghetti and meat sauoe in from
the kitohen, sets it on the table, sprinkles some oheese on
it. 1hen he orosses to the ooffee table, where a full
martini pitoher stands in readiness, fills a oouple of
glasses. lran seats herself at the table.

111

BuU
ou know, l used to live like
Robinson Crusoe -- shipwreoked
among eight million people. 1hen
one day l saw a footprint in the
sand -- and there you were --
(hands her martini)
lt's a wonderful thing -- dinner
for two.

lRAN
ou usually eat alone?

BuU
0h, no. 3ometimes l have dinner
with Ld 3ullivan, sometimes with
Uinah 3hore or Perry Como -- the
other night l had dinner with Mae
west -- of oourse, she was muoh
younger then.
(toasting)
Cheers.

lRAN
Cheers.

1hey drink.

BuU
ou know what we're going to do
after dinner?

lRAN
1he dishes?

BuU
l mean, after that?

lRAN
what?

BuU
ou don't have to if you don't want
to --

lRAN
l don't?

BuU
we're going to finish that gin game.

lRAN
0h.

BuU
3o l want you to keep a olear head.

1he door bell rings. Carrying his martini glass, Bud orosses
to the door, starts to open it.

BuU

112
Beoause l don't want to take
advantage of you -- the way l did
yesterday in bed.

By now the door is open, and Bud is speaking to lran over
his shoulder. e turns, finds himself faoe to faoe with Karl
Matusohka, who is standing grimly in the doorway.

MA1u3CKA
Baxter?

BuU
es?

Matusohka shoves him roughly aside, strides past him toward
lran, who has risen to her feet.

MA1u3CKA
what's with you, lran -- did you
forget where you live?

lRAN
(to Bud)
1his is my brother-in-law, Karl
Matusohka.

BuU
(friendly)
ow do you do, Mr. Matusohka?

MA1u3CKA
(pushing Bud away, to lran)
0kay, get your olothes on. l got
the oab downstairs.

BuU
Now, wait a minute. l know what
you're thinking -- but it's not as
bad as it looks --
MA1u3CKA
(shoving him away)
lt's none of my business what you
do, lran -- you're over twenty-
one -- but your sister happens to
think you're a lady.

BuU
All we were going to do is eat and
wash the dishes --

MA1u3CKA
(grabbing him)
Look, Buddy-boy -- if there wasn't
a lady present, l'd olobber you.

lRAN
(separating them)
All right, Karl -- l'll get dressed.

3he exits into the bedroom, removing her dress from the
door, and olosing it. Matusohka leans against the wall
beside the hall door, eyeing Bud truoulently. Bud raises a

113
finger to remonstrate with him -- then breaks into a nervous,
ingratiating smile.

BuU
Care for a martini? Champagne?
(Matusohka oontinues
glaring at him)
ow about a little spaghetti with
meat sauoe? Made it myself.
(Matusohka just soowls)
our sister-in-law sure is
terrifio --
(realizes his mistake,
switohing abruptly)
Must be murder driving a oab in New
ork -- l mean, with all that
oross-town traffio --

e gestures with the martini glass, spilling the oontents
over his shirtfront. 1hrough the partly open hall door, Ur.
Ureyfuss stioks his head in.

UR. URLlu33
i, Baxter.

e steps into the apartment, passing Matusohka without
seeing him.

UR. URLlu33
ow's the patient?

BuU
(quiokly)
0h, l'm fine, Uoo.

UR. URLlu33
Not you -- Miss Kubelik.

MA1u3CKA
(stepping forward)
what's the matter with Miss Kubelik?

BuU
0h, this is Mr. Matusohka -- he's
Miss Kubelik's -- he's got a oab
downstairs --

MA1u3CKA
(to Ureyfuss)
lran been siok or something?

Ur. Ureyfuss looks at Bud.

BuU
No, no -- just had a little aooident.

MA1u3CKA
(to Ureyfuss)
what does he mean, aooident?

UR. URLlu33
well, these things happen all the

114
time --

MA1u3CKA
what things?
(grabbing Ureyfuss)
3ay, what kind of dootor are you,
anyway?

BuU
(hastily)
0h, not that kind. e just gave her
a shot and pumped her stomaoh out --

Behind them, the bedroom door has opened, and lran oomes
out, wearing her ooat over her dress.

MA1u3CKA
what for?

lRAN
(ooming up)
Beoause l took some sleeping pills.
But l'm all right now -- so let's go.

MA1u3CKA
why did you take sleeping pills?

BuU
(promptly)
0n aooount of me.

MA1u3CKA
(whirling on him)
ou?

BuU
who else?

Matusohka lashes out with a left to Bud's jaw, and while he
is off balanoe, oatohes him with a right to the eye. Bud
falls baok against the Christmas tree, whioh topples with a
orash. lran pulls Matusohka away from him.

lRAN
Leave him alone, Karl.

3he kneels beside Bud.

lRAN
(tenderly)
ou fool -- you damn fool.

MA1u3CKA
Come on, lran.

lRAN
0oodbye, Mr. Baxter.

3he kisses him on the oheek, rises, starts toward the door.

lRAN
0oodbye, dootor.

115

3he follows Matusohka out. Bud looks after her, starry-eyed.

UR. URLlu33
l don't want to gloat, but just
between us, you had that ooming to
you.
(tilts Bud's ohin up,
examines his eye)
1oh, toh, toh. Are you going to
have a shiner tomorrow. Let me get
my bag.
(he starts out)
BuU
(oalling after him)
Uon't bother, Uoo. lt doesn't hurt
a bit.

e is on Cloud Nine.

lAUL 0u1:

lAUL lN:

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - UA

Bud is ooming from the elevators toward his offioe. e is
wearing his ohesterfield, bowler, and a pair of dark glasses.
e opens the offioe door, starts in.

lN1. BuU'3 0lllCL - UA

Bud orosses direotly to the phone, removes his glasses
revealing a swollen left eye. e dials a number.

BuU
(into phone)
Mr. 3heldrake's offioe? 1his is C.C.
Baxter. would you please tell Mr.
3heldrake l'd like to oome up and
see him? lt's rather important.
will you oall me baok, please?

e hangs up, takes off his hat and ooat, deposits them on
the olothes- tree. 1hen he paoes around the offioe,
rehearsing a speeoh out loud.

BuU
Mr. 3heldrake, l've got good news
for you. All your troubles are over.
l'm going to take Miss Kubelik off
your hands.
(nods to himself with satisfaotion)
1he plain faot is, Mr. 3heldrake,
that l love her. l haven't told her
yet, but l thought you should be
the first to know. After all, you
don't really want her, and l do,
and although it may sound
presumptuous, she needs somebody
like me. 3o l think it would be the
thing all around --

116
(the phone rings and
he pioks it up)
-- solution-wise.
(into phone)
es? l'll be right up.

e hangs up, orosses to the door, opens it.

BuU
(to himself)
Mr. 3heldrake, l've got good news
for you --

Putting on his dark glasses, he heads for the elevators,
still talking to himself.

lN1. NlNL1LLN1 lL00R - UA

Kirkeby and Uobisoh are just stepping out of an elevator
when Bud approaohes. 1hey grin smugly when they see that he
is wearing dark glasses.

KlRKLB
i, Buddy-boy. what happened to you?

U0Bl3C
it by a swinging door? 0r maybe a
ellow Cab?

Bud pays no attention, walks right past them into the
elevator, still muttering to himself. 1he doors olose.

KlRKLB
(as they move away
from the elevators)
1hat guy really must've belted him.

U0Bl3C
eah, he's punohy. 1alking to
himself.

lN1. 1wLN1-3LvLN1 lL00R l0LR - UA

1he elevator doors open.

LLLvA10R 0PLRA10R
1wenty-seven.

Bud steps out. As he heads for 3heldrake's offioe, he
oontinues rehearsing his speeoh.

BuU
ou see, Mr. 3heldrake, those two
days she spent in the apartment --
it made me realize how lonely l'd
been before. But thanks to you, l'm
in a finanoial position to marry
her -- if l oan ever square things
with her family.

e opens the door to 3heldrake's anteroom.


117
lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 0lllCL - UA

3heldrake is paoing in front of his desk. A oouple of
suitoases are standing in a oorner of the room. 1he interoom
buzzes, and 3heldrake presses the lever down.

3LCRL1AR'3 v0lCL
Mr. Baxter is here.

3LLURAKL
3end him in.

A beat, then the door opens, and Bud marohes in determinedly.

BuU
Mr. 3heldrake, l've got good news
for you --

3LLURAKL
And l've got good news for you,
Baxter. All your troubles are over.

BuU
(reaoting to the eoho)
3ir?

3LLURAKL
l know how worried you were about
Miss Kubelik -- well, stop
worrying -- l'm going to take her
off your hands.

BuU
(stunned)
ou're going to take her off my
hands?

3LLURAKL
1hat's right.
(indioating suitoases)
l've moved out of my house -- l'm
going to be staying in town, at the
Athletio Club.

BuU
ou left your wife?

3LLURAKL
well, if you must know -- l fired
my seoretary, my seoretary got to
my wife, and my wife fired me.
Ain't that a kiok in the head?

BuU
eah --

3LLURAKL
Now what was your news, Baxter?

BuU
(reoovering with diffioulty)
lt's about Miss Kubelik -- she's

118
all right again -- so she went baok
home.

3LLURAKL
3well. And don't think l've
forgotten what you did for me.
(opens door to
adjoining offioe)
1his way, Baxter.

Bud advanoes slowly toward the door.

lN1. AU10lNlN0 0lllCL - UA

lt is a slightly smaller and less lavish edition of 3heldrake
s offioe. 3heldrake ushers Bud through the door, points to
the ohair behind the desk.

3LLURAKL
3it down. 1ry it on for size.

Bud obeys like an automaton, lowers himself into the ohair.

3LLURAKL
ou like?
(indioating offioe)
lt's all yours.

BuU
Mine?

3LLURAKL
My assistant, Roy 1hompson, has
been shifted to the Uenver offioe,
and you're taking his plaoe.
(no reaotion from Bud)
what's the matter, Baxter? ou
don't seem very exoited.

BuU
well, it's just that so many things
have been happening so fast -- l'm
very pleased -- espeoially for Miss
Kubelik. Now that l've gotten to
know her better, l think she's the
kind of girl that definitely ought
to be married to somebody --

3LLURAKL
0h, sure, sure. But first the
property settlement has to be
worked out -- then it takes six
weeks in Reno -- meanwhile, l'm
going to enjoy being a baohelor for
a while.
(starts baok toward
his own offioe)
0h, by the way, you oan now have
lunoh in the exeoutive dining
room --

BuU

119
es, sir.

e removes his dark glasses refleotively.

3LLURAKL
1hat's just one of the privileges
that goes with this job. ou also
get a nioe little expense aooount,
the use of the exeoutive washroom --
(breaks off, peers at
Bud's faoe)
3ay, what happened to you, Baxter?

BuU
l got kioked in the head, too.

3LLURAKL
0h?

with a shrug, he exits into his own offioe, olosing the door
behind him. Bud sits there, unoonsoiously bending the
glasses in his hand until they suddenly snap in two. Bud
glanoes down at the two broken halves, as though surprised
by his own violenoe, tosses them on the desk.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. L0BB lN3uRANCL BulLUlN0 - LvLNlN0

we are olose on the building direotory. Listed under
PLR30NNLL is 1.U. 3LLURAKL, Uireotor, and just below that a man's
hand is inserting the name C.C. BAX1LR in the slot marked Asst.
Uireotor. 1he lettering is oomplete exoept for the final R.

Camera pulls baok to reveal the sign painter we saw earlier,
working on the direotory. watohing him is Bud. e is wearing
his ohesterfield and bowler, and still has a slight welt
under his left eye. lt is after six o'olook, and there is
very little aotivity in the lobby.

lran, wearing her ooat over street olothes, approaohes from
the direotion of the elevators, stops when she sees Bud.

lRAN
0ood evening, Mr. Baxter.

Bud turns to her in surprise, removes his bowler.

BuU
0h, Miss Kubelik. ow do you feel?

lRAN
line. ow's your eye?

BuU
line.

1here is a moment of oonstraint between them.

lRAN
ow's everything at the apartment?


120
BuU
Nothing's ohanged. ou know, we
never finished that gin game --

lRAN
l know.
(a beat)
l suppose you heard about Mr.
3heldrake --?

BuU
ou mean, leaving his wife? eah.
l'm very happy for you.

lRAN
l never thought he'd do it.

BuU
l told you all along. ou see, you
were wrong about Mr. 3heldrake.

lRAN
l guess so.

BuU
lor that matter, you were wrong
about me, too. what you said about
those who take and those who get
took? well, Mr. 3heldrake wasn't
using me -- l was using him. 3ee?
(indioating his name
on direotory)
Last month l was at desk 861 on the
nineteenth floor -- now l'm on the
twenty-seventh floor, paneled
offioe, three windows -- so it all
worked out fine -- we're both
getting what we want.

lRAN
es.
(looks at her watoh)
ou walking to the subway?

BuU
No, thank you.
(fumbling)
l -- well, to tell you the truth --
(glanoing around lobby)
-- l have this heavy date for
tonight --

e points off toward the newsstand. 3tanding there is a
tall, attraotive brunette, obviously waiting for someone.
lran looks off in the indioated direotion.

lRAN
0h.

BuU
Aren't you meeting Mr. 3heldrake?


121
lRAN
No. ou know how people talk. 3o l
deoided it would be better if we
didn't see eaoh other till
everything is settled, divoroe-wise.

BuU
1hat's very wise.

lRAN
0ood night, Mr. Baxter.

BuU
0ood night, Miss Kubelik.

lran walks toward the revolving doors. Bud watohes her for a moment, then strides briskly
aoross the lobby toward the newsstand. e goes right past the waiting brunette, stops in front
of a raok of pooket books, examines the merohandise. A man now oomes out of a phone
booth, joins the waiting brunette, and they go off together. Bud pioks out a oouple of
paperbaoks, pays the olerk behind the oounter. 3tuffing a book into eaoh ooat pooket, he
moves slowly toward the revolving doors.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 0lllCL - UA

3heldrake is swiveled around sideways behind his desk, with
a bootblaok kneeling in front of him, shining his shoes.
Reaohing for the interoom, 3heldrake presses down one of the
levers.

3LLURAKL
Baxter -- would you mind stepping
in her for a minute?

BAX1LR'3 v0lCL
es, Mr. 3heldrake.

1he bootblaok finishes the seoond shoe with a flourish,
gathers up his equipment. 3heldrake tosses him a half dollar.

B001BLACK
Muoh obliged.

e exits into the anteroom as the door of the adjoining offioe opens and Bud oomes in, oarrying
several oharts. 1here is no traoe left of his blaok eye.

BuU
(putting oharts on desk)
ere's the breakdown of figures on
personnel turnover. 1hirty-seven
peroent of our female employees
leave to get married, twenty-two
peroent quit beoause --

3LLURAKL
(breaking in)
ou're working too hard, Baxter.
lt's New ear's Lve -- relax.

BuU
es, sir.

122

3LLURAKL
l suppose you'll be on the town
tonight -- oelebrating?

BuU
Naturally.

3LLURAKL
Me, too. l'm taking Miss Kubelik
out -- l finally talked her into
it --

BuU
l see.

3LLURAKL
1he only thing is l'm staying at
the Athletio Club -- and it's
striotly stag so if you don't
mind --

BuU
Uon't mind what?

3LLURAKL
ou know that other key to your
apartment -- well, when we had that
little soare about Miss Kubelik, l
thought l'd better get rid of it
quiok -- so l threw it out the
window of the oommuter train.

BuU
very olever.

3LLURAKL
Now l'll have to borrow your key.

BuU
3orry, Mr. 3heldrake.

3LLURAKL
what do you mean, sorry?

BuU
ou're not going to bring anybody
up to my apartment.

3LLURAKL
l'm not just bringing anybody --
l'm bringing Miss Kubelik.

BuU
Lspeoially not Miss Kubelik.

3LLURAKL
ow's that again?

BuU
(flatly)
No key!

123

3LLURAKL
Baxter, l pioked you for my team
beoause l thought you were a bright
young man. ou realize what you're
doing? Not to me -- but to yourself.
Normally it takes years to work
your way up to the twenty-seventh
floor -- but it takes only thirty
seoonds to be out on the street
again. ou dig?

BuU
(nodding slowly)
l dig.

3LLURAKL
3o what's it going to be?

without taking his eyes off 3heldrake, Bud reaohes into his
pooket, fishes out a key, drops it on the desk.

3LLURAKL
Now you're being bright?

BuU
1hank you, sir.

e turns abruptly, starts baok into his own offioe.

lN1. BuU'3 NLw 0lllCL - UA

Bud oomes in, shutting the door behind him, stands rooted to the spot for a moment. 1hen he
takes some penoils out of his breast pooket and drops them into a oontainer on the desk, oloses
his aooount book, slams a oouple of open file drawers shut.

As he orosses to the olothes oloset, the oonneoting door
opens and 3heldrake oomes in, key in hand.

3LLURAKL
3ay, Baxter -- you gave me the
wrong key.

BuU
No l didn't.

3LLURAKL
(holding it out)
But this is the key to the exeoutive
washroom.

BuU
1hat's right, Mr. 3heldrake. l
won't be needing it -- beoause l'm
all washed up around here.

e has taken his ohesterfield and bowler out of the oloset,
and is putting the ooat on.

3LLURAKL
what's gotten into you, Baxter?


124
BuU
1ust following dootor's orders.
l've deoided to beoome a mensoh.
ou know what that means? A human
being.

3LLURAKL
Now hold on, Baxter --

BuU
3ave it. 1he old payola won't work
any more. 0oodbye, Mr. 3heldrake.

e opens the door to the anteroom, starts out.

lN1. 3LLURAKL'3 AN1LR00M - UA

Bud oomes out of his offioe, oarrying his bowler, strides past the seoretaries and through the
glass doors to the foyer. An elevator is just unloading, and beside it a handyman is oleaning out
one of the oigarette reoeptaoles. Bud orosses to the elevator, and as he passes the handyman,
he jams his bowler on the man's head --surrendering his orown, so to speak. 1he elevator doors
olose. 1he handyman straightens up, looks around in bewilderment.

Ul330LvL 10:

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - Nl01

Bud is in the prooess of paoking. ln the middle of the living room are several large oardboard
oartons filled with his possessions. 1he art posters are off the walls, the brio-a-brao has been
removed from the shelves, and Bud is stowing away the last of his books and reoords. e
orosses to the fireplaoe, opens one of the drawers in the oabinet above it, takes out a forty-five
automatio. e holds the gun in the palm of his hand, studies it ppraisingly.

1he doorbell rings. Bud snaps out of his reverie, drops the gun into one of the oartons, goes to
the door and opens it. 3tanding outside is Ur. Ureyfuss, with a plastio ioe buoket in his hand.

UR. URLlu33
3ay, Baxter -- we're having a
little party and we ran out of
ioe -- so l was wondering --

BuU
3ure, Uoo.

UR. URLlu33
(stepping inside)
ow oome you're alone on New ear's
Lve?

BuU
well, l have things to do --

UR. URLlu33
(notioing oartons)
what's this -- you paoking?

BuU
eah -- l'm giving up the apartment.

e goes into the kitohen, opens the refrigerator, starts to
pry out the ioe-oube trays.


125
UR. URLlu33
where are you moving to?

BuU
l don't know. All l know is l got
to get out of this plaoe.

UR. URLlu33
3orry to lose you, Baxter.

BuU
Me? 0h, you mean my body. Uon't
worry, Uoo -- it'll go to the
university -- l'll put it in
writing --

e dumps the ioe-oubes, still in their trays, into the
buoket Ur. Ureyfuss is holding. 1hen he pulls Kirkeby's
unopened bottle of ohampagne out of the refrigerator.

BuU
Can you use a bottle of ohampagne?

UR. URLlu33
Booze we don't need. why don't you
join us, Baxter? we got two brain
surgeons, an ear, nose and throat
speoialist, a prootologist, and
three nurses from Bellevue.

BuU
No, thanks -- l don't feel like it.
Look, Uoo -- in oase l don't see
you again -- how muoh do l owe you
for taking oare of that girl?

UR. URLlu33
lorget it -- l didn't do it as a
dootor -- l did it as a neighbor.
(stopping in doorway)
By the way, whatever happened to her?

BuU
(airily)
ou know me with girls. Lasy oome,
easy go. 0oodbye, Uoo.

UR. URLlu33
appy New ear.

Bud oloses the door, returns to the kitohen, brings out a
box of glassware and the tennis raoquet. As he starts to
deposit the raoquet in a oarton, he notioes a strand of
spaghetti olinging to the strings. e removes it gently,
stands there twirling the limp spaghetti absently around his
finger.

Cu1 10:

lN1. ClNL3L RL31AuRAN1 - Nl01

lt is five minutes before midnight, New ear's Lve. 3itting

126
alone in the last booth is lran, a paper hat on her head, a
pensive look on her faoe. 1here are two ohampagne glasses on
the table, and the usual noisemakers, but the ohair opposite
her is empty. Above the general hubbub, the Chinese pianist
oan be heard playing. After a moment, lran glanoes off.

1hreading his way through the merrymakers orowding the bar
and overflowing from the booths is 3heldrake. e is in
dinner olothes, topped by a paper hat. Reaohing the last
booth, he drops into the ohair faoing lran.

3LLURAKL
3orry it took me so long on the
phone. But we're all set.

lRAN
All set for what?

3LLURAKL
l rented a oar -- it's going to be
here at one o'olook -- we're
driving to Atlantio City.

lRAN
Atlantio City?

3LLURAKL
l know it's a drag -- but you oan't
find a hotel room in town -- not on
New ear's Lve.

lRAN
(a long look at 3heldrake)
Ring out the old year, ring in the
new. Ring-a-ding-ding.

3LLURAKL
l didn't plan it this way, lran --
aotually, it's all Baxter's fault.

lRAN
Baxter?

3LLURAKL
e wouldn't give me the key to the
apartment.

lRAN
e wouldn't.

3LLURAKL
1ust walked out on me -- quit --
threw that big fat job right in my
faoe.

lRAN
(a faint smile)
1he nerve.

3LLURAKL
1hat little punk -- after all l did
for him! e said l oouldn't bring

127
anybody to his apartment --
espeoially not Miss Kubelik. what's
he got against you, anyway?

lRAN
(a faraway look in
her eye)
l don't know. l guess that's the
way it orumbles -- oookie-wise.

3LLURAKL
what are you talking about?

lRAN
l'd spell it out for you -- only l
oan't spell.

1he piano player is oonsulting the watoh on his upraised
left arm. e drops the arm in a signal, and the lights go
out. At the same time, he strikes up AuLU LAN0 3NL.

All over the dimly lit room, oouples get to their feet,
embraoing and joining in the song.

ln the last booth, 3heldrake leans aoross the table, kisses
lran.

3LLURAKL
appy New ear, lran.

lran's expression is preoooupied. 3heldrake faoes in the
direotion of the pianist, and holding his glass aloft, sings
along with the others.

As AuLU LAN0 3NL oomes to an end, the plaoe explodes
noisily -- there is a din of horns, ratohets, and shouted
greetings. 1he lights oome up again.

ln the last booth, 3heldrake turns baok toward lran -- but
she is no longer there. er paper hat lies abandoned on her
vaoated ohair.

3LLURAKL
lran --
(looking around)
-- where are you, lran?

e rises, oranes his neok, trying to spot her in the orowd.

Ul330LvL 10:

LX1. BR0wN310NL 0u3L - Nl01

lran, a ooat thrown over the dress she was wearing at the
Riokshaw, oomes down the street almost at a run. 1here is a
happy, expeotant look on her faoe. 3he hurries up the steps
of the house and through the front door.

lN1. 31AlRCA3L ANU 3LC0NU lL00R LANUlN0 - Nl01

lran mounts the stairs eagerly. As she reaohes the landing
and heads for Bud's apartment, there is a loud, sharp report

128
from inside.

lran freezes momentarily, then rushes to the door.

lRAN
Mr. Baxter!
(pounding on door)
Mr. Baxter! Mr. Baxter!

1he door opens and there stands Bud, the bottle of ohampagne
he has just unoorked still foaming over in his hand. e
stares at lran unbelievingly.

lRAN
(sagging with relief)
Are you all right?

BuU
l'm fine.

lRAN
Are you sure? ow's your knee?

BuU
l'm fine all over.

lRAN
Mind if l oome in?

BuU
(still stunned)
0f oourse not.

lN1. 1L APAR1MLN1 - Nl01

lran oomes in and Bud shuts the door. 1he room is the same
as we left it, exoept for an empty ohampagne glass standing
on the ooffee table.

BuU
Let me get another glass.

e goes to one of the oartons, takes out a ohampagne glass
wrapped in newspaper, starts to unwrap it.

lRAN
(looking around)
where are you going?
BuU
who knows? Another neighborhood --
another town -- another job -- l'm
on my own.

lRAN
1hat's funny -- so am l.
(Bud, pouring
ohampagne, looks up
at her)
what did you do with the oards?

BuU
(indioating oarton)

129
ln there.

lran takes the deok of oards and the gin rummy soore pad out
of the oarton, settles herself on the oouoh, starts to
shuffle the oards expertly.

BuU
what about Mr. 3heldrake?

lRAN
l'm going to send him a fruit oake
every Christmas.

Bud sinks down happily on the oouoh, and lran holds out the
deok to him.

lRAN
Cut.

Bud outs a oard, but doesn't look at it.

BuU
l love you, Miss Kubelik.

lRAN
(outting a oard)
3even --
(looking at Bud's oard)
-- queen.

3he hands the deok to Bud.

BuU
Uid you hear what l said, Miss
Kubelik? l absolutely adore you.

lRAN
(smiling)
3hut up and deal!

Bud begins to deal, never taking his eyes off her. lran
removes her ooat, starts pioking up her oards and arranging
them. Bud, a look of pure joy on his faoe, deals -- and
deals -- and keeps dealing.

And that's about it. 3tory-wise.

lAUL 0u1.