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You're dead to me. My will reads, Fuck this up and I'll haunt you for the rest of your fucking life. He's following me. What do you want? o die. !omewhere outside the city, I told my mother, You're dead to me. "o that's not it. If I could #e free of you without ha$ing to lose you. !ometimes that's not possi#le. I keep telling people I'm pregnant. hey say How did you do it, what are you taking? I say I drank a #ottle of port, smoked some fags and fucked a stranger. %ll lies. He needs to ha$e a secret #ut he can't help telling. He thinks we don't know. &elie$e me, we know. % $oice in the desert He who comes after. here is something in the way. !till here. hree summers ago I was #erea$ed. "o one died #ut I lost my mother. !he had him #ack. I #elie$e in anni$ersaries. hat a mood can #e repeated e$en if the e$ent that caused it is tri$ial or forgotten. In this case it's neither. I will grow older and I will, it will, something I smoke till I'm sick. &lack on white and #lue. When I wake I think my period must ha$e started or rather ne$er stopped #ecause it only finished three days ago. he heat is going out of me. he heart is going out of me. I feel nothing, nothing. I feel nothing. Is it possi#le? !orry? I'm not a rapist. 'a$id? A beat Yeah. I'm a paedophile. 'o you remem#er me? A beat Yeah. (ooks like a )erman, alks like a !paniard, !mokes like a !er#. You'$e forgotten. %ll things to all men. I don't think Yes. I couldn't forget. I looked for you. %ll o$er the city. I really don't Yes. Yes. You do. Yes. *lease stop this. %nd now I ha$e found you. !omeone has died who is not dead. %nd now we are friends. It's not my fault, it was ne$er my fault. +$erything that happens is supposed to happen. Where you #een? Here and there. (ea$e.

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Where? "ow. here. &ecause lo$e #y its nature desires a future. If she'd left , I want a child. I can't help you. "one of this would ha$e happened. ime is passing and I don't ha$e time. "one of it. "o. "one. In a lay-#y on the motorway going out of the city, or may#e in, depending on which way you look, a small dark girl sits in the passenger seat of a parked car. Her elderly grandfather undoes his trousers and it pops out of his pants, #ig and purple. I feel nothing, nothing. I feel nothing. %nd when she cries, her father in the #ack seat says I'm sorry, she's not normally like this. Ha$en't we #een here #efore? %nd though she cannot remem#er she cannot forget. %nd has #een hurtling away from that moment e$er since. Will you come round and seduce me? I need to #e seduced #y an older woman. I'm not an older woman. .lder than me, not older per se. You'$e fallen in lo$e with someone that doesn't e/ist. ragedy. 0eally. .h yes. What do you want? o die. o sleep. "o more. %nd the #us dri$er loses it, stops the #us in the middle of the road, clim#s out of his ca#, strips off his clothes and walks down the street, his cute little arse shining in the sun. I drink till I'm sick. +$erywhere I go, I see him. I know the plates, I know the car, does he think I don't know? You're ne$er as powerful as when you know you're powerless. I shake when I don't ha$e it. &leeding &rain melts when I do. I run through the poppy field at the #ack of my grandfather's farm. When I #urst in through the kitchen door I saw him sitting with my grandmother on his lap. He kissed her on the lips and caressed her #reast. hey looked around and saw me, smiling at my confusion. When I related this to my mother more than ten years later she stared at me oddly and said 1 hat didn't happen to you. It happened to me. My father died #efore you were #orn. When that happened I was pregnant with you, #ut I didn't know it until the day of his funeral.1 We pass these messages. !omeone somewhere is crying for me, crying for my death. My fingers inside her, my tongue in her mouth. I wish to li$e with myself. "o witnesses. %nd if this makes no sense then you understand perfectly. It's not what you think. "o that's not it. ime after time, some fucking e/cuse. (+%2+. 3.M+ &%34. ! %Y. 3an't ha$e this again. !tunned. !toned.

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I ha$e a #lack side I know. I ha$e a side so green you will ne$er know. Ha$e another drink, another cigarette. !ometimes the shape of my head alarms me. When I catch sight of it reflected in a darkened train window, the landscape passing through the image of my head. "ot that there is anything unusual or... alarming... a#out the shape of my head, #ut it does... alarm me. Why do you do this? I find it alarming. here's so little time. I hate the smell of my own family. &ase 5. &ase 6. &ase 7. &ingo. You'll smell #etter when you're dead than you do now. %n %merican woman translated a no$el from !panish into +nglish. !he asked her !panish classmate his opinion of her work. he translation was $ery #ad. He said he would help her and she offered to pay him for his time. He refused. !he offered to take him out to dinner. his was accepta#le to him so he agreed. &ut she forgot. he !paniard is still waiting for his dinner. +l dinero $iene solo.5 %lone. If lo$e would come. It's 8ust not me. Has it e$er occurred to you you're looking in the wrong place? "ow. "e$er. "o. It's $ery nice. Will you make me one? It's made of egg shells and concrete. Will you make me one? 3oncrete, paint and egg shells. I didn't ask what it was made of, I asked if you'd make me one. +$ery time I ha$e an egg I stick the shell on there and spray it. !he sees through walls. Will. You. Make. Me. .ne. .ther li$es. % mother #eats her child sa$agely #ecause it runs out in front of a car. You stop thinking of yourself as I, you think of we. (et's 8ust go to9#ed. no no no no no no no no no % wish under pressure. 3ry #lue murder. 'o not remo$e your glo$es until you lea$e the last town. %re you a les#ian? .h please. I thought that might #e why you don't ha$e children. Why? I ne$er met a man I trusted. Why what? You trust me? his has nothing to do with you. Why what? I'm not interested in you. Why what, why what? I'm not interested in the first fucking thing a#out you. I don't drink. I hate smoking. I'm $egetarian. I don't fuck around. I'$e ne$er $isited a prostitute and I'$e ne$er had a se/ually transmitted disease other than thrush. his does, I'm afraid, make me a rarity, if not uni:ue. (ook. (isten. (ook. My nose.

Money comes alone. (Spanish)

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What a#out it. What do you think? &roken. I'$e ne$er #roken a #one in my #ody. (ike 3hrist. &ut my 'ad has. !mashed his nose in a car crash when he was eighteen. %nd I'$e got this. )enetically impossi#le, #ut there it is. We pass these messages faster than we think and in ways we don't think possi#le. If I was If I If I was H;00Y ;* *(+%!+ I '! IM+ %nd you don't think that a child concei$ed #y rape would suffer? &ut as it is. You think I'm going to rape you? Yes. "o. Yes. "o. "o. Yes. Yes. Is that possi#le? I see no good in anyone any more. .kay, I was, okay, I was, okay okay. I was, okay, two people, right? .kay. .ne of these days. !oon, $ery soon, "ow &ut looks aren't e$erything. It's 8ust not me. % small #oy had an imaginary friend. He took her to the #each and they played in the sea. % man came from the water and took her away. he following morning the #ody of a girl was found washed up on the #each. What's that got to do with anything? 3lutching a fistful of sand. +$erything. What's anything go to do with anything? "othing. +/actly. hat's the worst of it. "othing. Is this what it is? Is this it? How much longer How many more times How much more 3orrupt or inept. I am no#ody's windfall. I'm sorry. )o away. "ow. )o away. I'm sorry. )o away. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What for? Ha$e you e$er raped anyone? I'm sorry I'm following you. "o. Why not?

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here're worse things than #eing fat and fifty. Why not? &eing dead and thirty. I'm the kind of woman a#out whom people say Who was that woman? he :uestion is Where do you li$e and where do you want to li$e? %#sence sleeps #etween the #uildings at night. 'on't die. his city, fucking lo$e it, wouldn't li$e nowhere else, couldn't. Where do you find it? Where do I start? % <apanese man in lo$e with his $irtual reality girlfriend. You look reasona#ly happy for someone who's not. Where do I stop? !words in turmoil. Here. I'm looking for a time and place free of things that crawl, fly or sting. Inside. Here. &e the one. If she'd left , I don't want to grow old and cold and #e too poor to dye my hair. You get mi/ed messages #ecause I ha$e mi/ed feelings. I don't want to #e li$ing in a #edsit at si/ty, too scared to turn the heater on #ecause I can't pay the #ill. What ties me to you is guilt. I don't want to die alone and not #e found till my #ones are lean and the rent o$erdue. I don't want to stay. I don't want to stay. I want you to lea$e. If lo$e would come. (et it happen. "o. It's lea$ing me #ehind. "o. "o. Yes. "o. Yes. "o. Yes. (et me go. I don't want to ha$e to #uy you 3hristmas presents anymore. <ust a name would #e nice. You're $ery nai$e if you think you still ha$e those kind of choices. My #ack aches. My head aches. My heart aches. You shouldn't sleep ne/t to the radiator. Where should I sleep? 'o want a massage? 'on't touch me. I shouldn't #e doing this. .ne touch. Will you get into trou#le? %n isolated act. "o, I... mustn't get attached. It's only natural. !eeing another human #eing in distress. I feel I 8ust feel You asked me to seduce you.

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"ot tie me up. &e grateful. %s a child I liked to piss on the carpet. he carpet rotted and I #lamed it on the dog. I'm una#le to know you. 'on't want to know me. ;tterly unknowa#le. !till here. I need a child. hat's all? It's e$erything. hat's all. Meni ni i= d>epa, ni u d>ep.6 Mother. he king is dead, long li$e the king. If it could #e an act of lo$e. I can't remem#er Whose %ny more Why do you think that is? My mind's a #lank. Why are you laughing? !omeone has died. You think I'm laughing? Why are you crying? You're dead to me. You think I'm crying? I'll cry if you laugh. You could #e my mother. I'm not your mother. &a#y. now now now now now now now %m I an unnecessary complication? % sporadic addict. "o one #ut you. %ddicted to sickness. It's not you, it's me. It's always me. I want to sleep ne/t to you and do your shopping and carry your #ags and tell you how much I lo$e #eing with you #ut they keep making me do stupid things. It's not me, it's you. *ointless fucking. ime sheet. !i/ month plan. %nd I want to play hide-and-seek and gi$e you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a #ath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand an go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at 0udy's and talk a#out the day and type up your letters and carry your #o/es and laugh at your paranoia and gi$e you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terri#le films and complain a#out the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee at midnight and ha$e you steal my cigarettes and ne$er #e a#le to find a match and tell you a#out the t$ programme I saw the night #efore and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your 8okes and want you in the morning #ut let you sleep for a while and kiss your #ack and stroke your skin and tell you how much I lo$e your hair our eyes your lips your neck your #reasts your arse your and sit on the steps smoking till your neigh#our comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and #e ama=ed when you're early and gi$e you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm #lack and #e sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgi$e me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you fore$er and hear your $oice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye #lue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and hug

It's neither in my pocket nor out of it. (Ser o!"roatian)

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you when you're an/ious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm ne/t to you and whimper when I'm not and dri##le on your #reast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the #lanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissol$e when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm re8ecting you when I'm not re8ecting you and wonder how you could think I'd e$er re8ect you and wonder who you are #ut accept you anyway and tell you a#out the tree angel enchanted forest #oy who flew across the ocean #ecause he lo$ed you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't #elie$e me and ha$e a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to #uy you a kitten I'd get 8ealous of #ecause it would get more attention than me and keep you in #ed when you ha$e to go and cry like a #a#y when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and #uy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again #ut keep on asking #ecause though you think I don't mean it I do always ha$e from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm loosing myself #ut know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to gi$e you the #est of me #ecause you don't deser$e any less and answer your :uestions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't want to and try to #e honest #ecause I know you prefer it and think it's all o$er #ut hang on in for 8ust ten more minutes #efore you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you #ecause it's #eautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak )erman to you #adly and He#rew to you worse and make lo$e with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the9 o$erwhelming undying o$erpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-e/panding on-going ne$er-ending lo$e I ha$e for you. (Under her breath until A stops speaking.) this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop (Then at normal volume) this has to stop this has to stop this has to stop 'on't they understand? I'$e got important things to do. It's getting worse. I am lost, so fucking lost in the mess of a woman. !he wants a kid yesterday. What will I do when you throw me away? (isten. (ook. (isten. I am here to remem#er. I need to... remem#er. I ha$e this grief and I don't know why. You're always gorgeous, #ut you're particularly gorgeous when you come. hat $iolent terrified paralysed child. %s she gets more and more angry off come more and more clothes as it gets less and less likely she'll let me anywhere near her. I ha$e a #ad #ad feeling a#out this #ad #ad feeling. I am so lonely, so fucking lonely. I didn't I don't ;nderstand 3ontrol, control, rela/ and control. It is this woman with the desolate eyes for whom I would die. Her hair is white, #ut for some reason , perhaps #ecause her hair is white , I ha$e no idea how old she is. !unny landscapes. *astel walls. )entle air conditioning. I keep trying to understand #ut I don't. I look at the large #eige hessian cushion, try to connect, try do decipher myself wo$en into the clean #lank fa#ric. When does it stop? %nd then at the paisley green cushion, a thoroughly inappropriate cushion to represent any part of me, especially the parts I am showing to her. 'o you ha$e difficulty in relationships with men? #usy happy #usy happy #usy happy 'o you have relationships with men? he only thing I want to say I'$e said already, and it's a #it #ucking tedious to say it again, no matter how true it is, no matter that it's the only unifying thought humanity has. H.W 3%" Y.; (+%2+ M+ (I4+ HI!? My grief has nothing to do with men. I'm ha$ing a #reakdown #ecause I'm going to die. (ong #efore I had the chance to adore all of you, I adored the #its of you I could see. he woman with dragon eyes.

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&lue into green. %ll #lue. I don't ha$e music, 3hrist I wish I had music #ut all I ha$e is words. 'u #ist die (ie#e meines (e#ens.7 'on't cut me out. !omething inside me that kicks like a #astard. % dull ache in my solar ple/us. )ag for a fag. Ha$e you e$er #een hospitalised? *ain #y association. I need a miracle to sa$e me. What for? Insanity. %nore/ia. &ulimia. Whate$er. "o. "e$er. !orry. he truth is simple. I'm e$il, I'm damaged, and no one can sa$e me. 'eath is an option. I disgust myself. 'epression's inade:uate. % full scale emotional collapse is the minimum re:uired to 8ustify letting e$eryone down. he coward's way out, I don't ha$e the courage. I think a#out you 'ream a#out you alk a#out you 3an't get you out of my system. It's okay. I like you in my system. "o performance needed. .ne fine morning in the month of May. "o that's not it. You could #e my mother. I'm not your mother. I ha$e this guilt and I don't know why. .nly lo$e can sa$e me and lo$e has destroyed me. % field. % #asement. % #ed. % car. In a day or two I'll go #ack for another affair, although the affair is now so on-going it almost constitutes a relationship. )o on. If you don't want me to come I won't come. You can say, it doesn't matter. I mean it matters #ut it's #etter to say. hen I'll know. !o. &eyond the pale. &eyond the pain. 3hoose, focus, apply. I fancy my chances. I #uy a new tape recorder and #lank tapes. I always do. I ha$e old ones that will do 8ust as well in actuality, #ut the truth has little to do with actuality, and the point ?if there is one@ is to record the truth. I am so tired. I cra$e white on white and #lack, #ut my thoughts race in glorious technicolour, prodding me awake, whipping away the warm #lanket of in$isi#ility e$ery time it sears to smother my mind in nothing. Most people, hey get on, hey get up,

%ou are the lo&e of my life. ('erman)

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hey get on. My hollow heart is full of darkness. .ne touch record. Filled with emptiness. !atisfied with nothing. .ne touch. 0ecord. My #owel curls at his touch. *oor, poor lo$e. I feel nothing, nothing. I feel nothing. I came #ack. If she'd left , I'm going to die. his a#use has gone on long enough. Maggots e$erywhere. here's no one like you. Whene$er I look really close at something, it swarms with white lar$ae. &lack folding in. I open my mouth and I too am full of them, crawling down my throat. !omething happened. !o aghast. I try to pull it out #ut it gets longer and longer, there's no end to it. I swallow it and pretend it isn't there. Impercepti#ly slowly and in an instant. "othing spectacular. I keep coming #ack. % horror so deep only ritual can contain it, +/press it, +/plain it, Maintain it, &esos #ru8os :ue me matan.A he na$y denim dress I wore at si/, the elastic red and #lue #elt tight round my waist, nylon socks, the hard crust of sca#s on my knees, the metal #arred clim#ing frame #etween my legs, 'a$id , ".. I cannot lo$e you #ecause I cannot respect you. 3lean slate, long lo$e. I was catching a plane. % psychic predicted that I would not get on this flight #ut that y lo$er would. he plane would crash and he would #e killed. I didn't know what to do. If I missed the flight I would #e fulfilling the prophecy so risking my lo$er's death. &ut in order to #reak the prophecy I would ha$e to get on a plane which seemed destined to crash. What did you do? &egin again. &egin again. *urple heather scratching my legs. %nything #ut this. % handsome #lond fourteen year old, his thum#s hooked o$er his 8eans half e/posing his #uttocks, his #lue #lue eyes full of the sun. !ick of it, man, I'm totally fucking sick of it. What did you do? "othing, nothing, I did nothing. "one of this matters #ecause I'm simply not in lo$e with you. %nd I am shaking, so##ing with the memory of her, when she lo$ed me, #efore I was her torturer, #efore there was no room in me for her, #efore we misunderstood, in fact the $ery first moment I saw her, her eyes smiling and full of the sun, and I shudder with grief for that moment which I'$e #een hurtling away from e$er since. &egin again, #egin again. Mo$e on. I look at her #reast, % #alloon of milk,

)itches' kisses that kill me. (Spanish)

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!ooner or later, % #u##le of #lood, .ne way or another, )urgling #lood, hat is going into my mouth, hick yellow #lood, My pain is nothing compared to hers. #ut #ut #ut ?and this is crucial@ 'on't say no to me. I keep coming #ack. You ha$e this effect. You can't say no. 'ark angel di$ine. It's not him I want. I fucking miss you. It's my $irginity. I miss fucking you. % fourteen year old to steal my $irginity on the moor and rape me till I come. .ne of these days !oon $ery soon (o$e you till then ?and after?@ I ha$e children, the men come, I am fighting #ut they take them, I realise, the men, they came, they said, in the night, they said don't say no to me you can't say no to me #ecause it's such a relief to ha$e lo$e again and to lie in a #ed and #e held and touched and kissed and adored and your heart will leap when you hear my $oice and see my smile and feel my #reath on your neck and your heart will race when I want to see you and I will lie to you from day one and use you and screw you and #reak your heart #ecause you #roke mine first and you will lo$e me more each day until the weight is un#eara#le and your life is mine and you'll die alone #ecause I will take what I want then walk away and owe you nothing it's always there it's always #een there and you cannot deny the life you feel fuck that life fuck that life fuck that life I ha$e lost you now ). M+ "ow I ha$e found you I can stop looking for myself. !he touched my arm and smiled. .ne of those faces I could ne$er ha$e imagined. We checked into a hotel pretending we weren't going to ha$e se/. +yes, whispers, shades and shadows. Where you going who you seeking what you doing? <e#em rado=nale.B I ha$e to #e where I want to #e. 3an't ha$e this again. We made lo$e, then she threw up. "o one to help me not my fucking mother neither. I crossed two ri$ers and wept #y one. I close my eyes and I see her close her eyes and she sees you. he scream of a daffodil, he stain of a scream. I watched my father #eat my mother with a walking stick. % stain, %n echo, % stain. I'm sorry you saw that. I'm sorry he did it. I despair of despair. "o regrets. I swear I can't #ear to look at you. I did nothing, nothing. I did nothing.

I'm fuckin+ the curious. (Ser o!"roatian)

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I want to feel physically like I feel emotionally. !tar$ed. &eaten. &roken. He #uys me a make-up kit, #lushers and lipstick and eyeshadow. %nd I paint my face in #ruises and #lood and cuts and swelling, and on the mirror in deep red, ;)(Y. 'eath is my lo$er and he wants to mo$e in. What does that mean, what does that mean, what does that mean what you're saying? &e a woman, #e a woman, F;34 Y.;. here's something $ery unflattering a#out #eing desired when the other person is so drunk that can't see. Fuck you. I tried to e/plain that I don't want to sleep with someone who won't appreciate how hard it was for me the following morning, #ut he'd passed out #y the time I finished my sentence. C+'. !till sleeping with 'addy. he games we play, he lies we tell. Your hair is an act of )od. % 2ietnamese girl, her entire e/istence gi$en meaning and permanence in the thirty seconds she fled from her $illage, skin melting, mouth open. "o one can hate me more than I hate myself. I am not what I am, I am what I do. his is terri#le. his is true. he thing I swore I'd ne$er do, the thing I swore I'd , %ll that pain Fore$er ill now. .n my children's li$es, my children's lo$e. Why do you drink so much? he fags aren't killing me fast enough. My laughter is a #u##le of despair. 0ule one. "o records. "o letters. "o credit card #ills for afternoons in hotel rooms, no receipts for e/pensi$e 8ewellery, no calling at home then hanging up in silence. "o feeling, "o emotion, % cold fuck and a goldfish memory. My #owels ga$e way. hro##ing #etween shame and guilt. Mess. Mess. !he knows. It's 8ust not me. "e$er keep sou$enirs of a murder. +$erything's clear. %nother girl, %nother life. I did nothing, nothing. I did nothing. &eyond the pale. )od forgi$e me I want to #e clean. He screams at me to see what I ha$e #ecome. )o on. Why can no one make lo$e to me the way I want to #e lo$ed? I could #e your mother. You're not my mother. !oon $ery soon. "ow.

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I'$e faked orgasms #efore, #ut this is the first time I'$e faked not ha$ing an orgasm. From under the door steps a #lack pool of #lood. Why? What? Why what? What? When he's generous, kind, thoughtful and happy, I know he's ha$ing an affair. He thinks we're stupid, he thinks we don't know. % third person in my #ed whose face eludes me. <ust me, <ust the way I am, "othing to #e done. )i$e, sympathise, control. "ow. !o tired of secrets. It's 8ust not me. !he is currently ha$ing some kind of ner$ous #reakdown and wishes she'd #een #orn #lack, male and more attracti$e. I gi$e myself. .r 8ust more attracti$e. I gi$e my heart. .r 8ust different. &ut that's not really gi$ing. <ust someone fucking else. Fragile and choking. !he ceases to continue with the day do day farce of getting through the ne/t few hours in an attempt to ward off the fact that she doesn't know how to get through the ne/t forty years. I lo$e you still, %gainst my will. !he's talking a#out herself in the third person #ecause the idea of #eing who she is, of acknowledging that she is herself, is more than her pride can take. With a fucking $engeance. !he's sick to the fucking gills of herself and wishes wishes wishes that something would happen to make life #egin. I'm a much nicer person since I had an affair. You can only kill yourself if you're not already dead. )uilt does that. &ecause now I know that #etrayal means nothing. wo women at the foot of a cross. % flower opens in the heat of the sun. % face screaming into hollow nothing. It's real, it's real, dead real, dead real. % pri$ate iconography which I cannot decipher, &eyond my comprehension, &eyond my &eyond here's a difference #etween articulacy and intelligence. I can't articulate the difference #ut there is one. +mpty. !ickened. White. (o$e me. )uilt lingers like the smell of death and nothing can free me form this cloud of #lood. You killed my mother. !he was already dead. If you want me to a#use you I will a#use you. !he died. *eople die. It happens. My entire life is waiting to see the person with whom I am currently o#sessed, star$ing the weeks away until our ne/t fifteen minute appointment.

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M". I write the truth and it kills me. .n the run. "owhere to hide. I hate these words that keep me ali$e I hate these words that won't let me die +/pressing my pain without easing it. Ha ha ha Ho ho ho He he he It is not accepta#le for me to #e me. You're losing your mind in front of my eyes. It slipped silently out of control. (et me. )o. % small girl #ecame increasingly paralysed #y her parents' fre:uently $iolent rows. !ometimes she would spend hours standing completely still in the toilet, simply #ecause that was where she happened to #e when the fight #egan. Finally, in moments of calm, she would take #ottles of milk from the fridge or doorstep and lea$e them in places where she may later #ecome trapped. Her parents were una#le to understand why they found #ottles of sour milk in e$ery room in the house. Why? What? Why what? What? Why are you crying? here's no news here. You were so persistent. It's always me. You always knew this. It's out of control. How did I lose you? You threw me away. "o. Yes. "o. Yes. "o. "o. Yes. A beat. "o. "o. Yes. "o. "o. Yes. "o. A beat. Yes. "o. "o. Yes. Yes. Yes. (Emits a short one syllable scream.) A beat. (Emits a short one syllable scream.) (Emits a short one syllable scream.) (Emits a short one syllable scream.) (Emits a short one syllable scream.)

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(Emits a short one syllable scream.) (Emits a short one syllable scream.) (Emits a short one syllable scream.) A beat. If you won't talk, I can't help you. his place. +!7. I am the #east at the end of the rope. !ilence or $iolence. he choice is yours. 'on't fill my stomach if you can't fill my heart. You will fill my head as only someone who is a#sent can. Impaired 8udgement, se/ual dysfunction, an/iety, headaches, ner$ousness, sleeplessness, restlessness, nausea, diarrhoea, itching, shaking, sweating, twitching. hat's what I'm suffering from now. It's okay. It won't matter. It doesn't matter. *ut me down or put me away. "o one sur$i$es life. %n no one can know what the night is like. Has it e$er occurred to you you're in the wrong place? "o. "e$er. "o. If I die here I was murdered #y daytime tele$ision I lied for you and that is why I cannot lo$e you. 'o not demand, 'o not entreat, (earn, learn, why can't I learn? hey switch on my light e$ery hour to check I'm still #reathing. %gain. I tell them sleep depri$ation is a form of torture. %gain and again. If you commit suicide you'll only ha$e to come #ack go through it again.. he same lesson, again and again. hou shalt not kill thyself. 2anity, not sanity, will keep me intact. 'o you e$er hear $oices? .nly when they talk to me. Weary souls with dry mouths. I'm not ill, I 8ust know that life is not worth li$ing. I'$e lost my faith in honesty. (ost my faith in Forwards, upwards, onwards, (ost. 5DDE5AA6A Mo$e on. I do not trust I do not care .ut, out into what? % #lack fucking hole of half-lo$e. Mo$e on. I hate the consoled and the consoler. I am much fucking angrier than you think. I cannot trust you and I cannot respect you. I am no longer honest. You took that from me and I cannot lo$e you. &ack to life. %n empty car park which I ne$er can lea$e. Fear rum#les o$er the city sky.

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%#sence sleeps #etween the #uildings at night, &etween the cars in the lay-#y, &etween the day and the night. I ha$e to #e where I'm meant to #e. (et Me )o he outside world is $astly o$errated. A pause. (et the day perish in which I was #orn (et the #lackness of the night terrify it (et the stars of its dawn #e dark May it not see the eyelids of the morning &ecause it did not shut the door of my mother's wom# he thing that I fear comes upon me. I hate you, I need you, "eed more, "eed change. %ll the totally predicta#le and sickening futility is our relationship. I want a real life, % real lo$e, .ne that is rooted and grows upwards in daylight. What's she got that I ha$en't got? Me. he things I want, I want with you. It's 8ust. "ot. Me. here are no secrets. here is only #lindness. You'$e fallen in lo$e with someone that doesn't e/ist. "o. Yes. "o. Yes. "o. "o. Yes. I knew this, I knew this, Why can't I learn? I won't settle for a life in the dark. 'on't look at the sun, don't look at the sun. I lo$e you. oo late. It's o$er. (Emits a formless cry of despair.) A silence. We don't know we're #orn. What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? What ha$e they done to me? )row up and stop #laming mother. (ife happens. (ike flowers. (ike sunshine. (ike nightfall. % motion away, "ot a motion towards.

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It is not my fault. %s if the direction makes any difference. "o#ody knows. My heart is #roken. It was ne$er my fault. You kept coming #ack. "ow and fore$er. I am not fighting for you any more. he $ision. he loss. he pain. he loss. he gain. he loss. he light. If you died it would #e like my #ones had #een remo$ed. "o one would know why, #ut I would collapse. If I could #e free of you, If I could #e free, "o that's not it, "o not at all, hat is not what I meant at all. I #roke hear heart, what more do I want? he $ision. he light. he pain. he light. he gain. he light. he loss. % circle is the only geometric shape defined #y its centre. "o chicken and egg a#out it, the centre came first, the circumference follows. he earth, #y definition, has a centre. %nd only the fool that knows it can go whate$er he pleases, knowing the centre will hold him down, stop him flying out of or#it. &ut when your sense of centre shifts, comes whi==ing to the surface, the #alance has gone. he #alance has gone. he #alance my #a#y has gone. When she left , he spine of my life is #roken. Why is light gi$en to one in misery &ring her #ack. %nd life to the #itter in soul If you were here , I am here. (ike a deep summer shadow. I lo$e her I miss her I'm through. Mo$e on. Why did I not die at #irth 3ome forth from the wom# %nd e/pire Mo$e in shadows, once in a fog. *ain is a shadow. he shadow of my lie. 0ed rock of ages You're not a #ad person, you 8ust think too much. (et me hide myself. 3an you Would you Will you Mo$e on. "e$er again I swear on 3hrist. If I lose my $oice I'm through.

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!till here. &ut I won't, "ot this time, "ot me. "ot yet. It's like waiting for your hair to grow. +stFs astra$esada como el dGa MiHrcoles.I hat's me. +/ist in the swing. "e$er still, ne$er one thing or the other, always mo$ing from one e/treme to the furthest reaches of the other. !weet. .ne touch. !o fucking sweet. 0ecord. Where's my personality gone? I'm too old for this. 3ouldn't lo$e you less. 3ouldn't lo$e you more. o #e perfectly honest, ?when am I 'perfectly honest'?@ ake no more. A beat. his ne$er happened. A silence. What I sometimes mistake for ecstasy is simply the a#sence of grief. Fear nothing. %ll or nothing. "one of it, %ll of it, "one. I am an emotional plagiarist, stealing other people's pain, su#suming it into my own until I can't remem#er Whose %ny more May#e you're all right, May#e I'm #ad, &ut )od has #lessed me with the mark of 3ain. Weight. 'on't know. 'ate. 'on't know. Fate. 'on't know. It's a punishment for hedging your #ets. 4eep coming #ack. %gain and again. he eternal return. If I lose my $oice I'm fucked. !hit on a plate. (ook enthusiastic or your own mother will take you apart. )et the "ight Men in. My life is nothing special, % stream of hapha=ard e$ents like any other, % stream into a salty ocean that stings, it stings, #ut does not kill. You're dead to me. %n act of lo$e. You're not my mother. We were many things. !omething clicked. &ut I would ne$er say that we were e$er in lo$e. Found her (o$ed her

%ou are like a )e,nes,ay. (Spanish)

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(ost her +nd. A silence. !omething has lifted, .utside the city, &efore the shit started, %#o$e the city, %nother dream, I crossed a ri$er that runs in shadow, In der &ergen, da fJhlst du dich frei,E .ne wish, % cool summer and a mild winter, "o fights, no floods, 'arkness surrounds a collapsing star, % long deep sleep with you in my arms, "o one nothing no shit, %ssimilated #ut not o#literated, *eace, % sickly glare with no single source, % pale gold sea under a pale pink sky, % distant #ell crosses the empty sea, 3louds co$erage as I see I am on a glo#e, Wa$es so# like a pulse. A beat. Here I am, once again, here I am, here I am, in the darkness, once again, .n the edge of nothing, Here I am, Hold my hand, )lory #e to the Father, he truth is #ehind you, I'd gi$e it all up for you, Into the light, %s it was in the #eginning, &eyond the darkness, %nd e$er shall #e, Into the light, %t the end of the day it comes #ack to this, )aining time, It comes #ack to me, &ut losing light, It comes #ack to this, Fat and shiny and dead dead dead serene, 3an't sa$e you, %nd clean. .ther li$es "o fucker can. 0olled into a #all. 'eli$er my soul form the sword. I wake as I dream. %lone. Which passeth all understanding. I don't dream any more, I ha$e no dreams. )aining light, I crossed a ri$er, &ut losing time. I can't say no to you. o #e free of memory, Free of desire, (ie low, pro$oke nothing,

In the mountains- there you feel free. ('erman)

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B A C B A M All B M C A B M C B M A M A C A B A !ay nothing. In$isi#le. When e$en dreams aren't pri$ate &est to forget. 0andom acts of meaningless 8oy. You made lo$e #y the ri$er. Forget. A beat. 0ape me. A pause. Is it possi#le? 3ured my #ody can't cure my soul. I am so tired. I keep coming #ack. &e the one. *atch and paint and paste a look onto my face. My life in #lack and white in re$erse. 3omplete. 'o what thou wilt shall #e the whole of the law. "ow. (o$e is the law, lo$e under will. I feel nothing, nothing. I feel nothing. !atan, my lord, I am yours. (Quietly continuously until the end of A!s speech.) no no no no no no no9 no no no no no no no no no %nd don't forget that poetry is language for its own sake. 'on't forget when different words are sanctioned, other attitudes re:uired. 'on't forget decorum. 'on't forget decorum. A beat. 4ill me. A beat. Free-falling Into the light &right white light World without end You're dead to me )lorious. )lorious. %nd e$er shall #e Happy !o happy Happy and free.

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