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Gary Dale Burns Advanced Compostion Inst. Loretta Stinson January 30, 20 2

!"amesa#e$

%very year upon my &irt'day, my mot'er #eeps an oral tradition. (e 'ave our ca#e, I open a present or t)o, and )e c'at and catc'*up i+ )e 'aven,t seen eac' ot'er in a )'ile. -'en )it' a )ide smile and .reat mirt', s'e e/citedly &e.ins t'e tale o+ my ori.in. S'e ta#es suc' 0oy in tellin. me, I t'in# it,s 0ust as dear to 'er as I am. I ima.ine 'er deep +eelin.s transport 'er &ac# to 'er early t)enties to relive it every time. S'e senses once more t'e promise o+ 'er +irst&orn and t'e moment )'en I &reat'ed t'e air and s'e &ecame a mot'er. -'e story &e.ins in 1rovo, 2ta' one late evenin. at t'e very end o+ April 345. As assured as t'e +orm 'er narrative ta#es eac' year, I al)ays #eep an e/pectation )'en s'e 'olds my undivided attention. 6er story is em&ellis'ed )it' ne) details and impressions, )'ic' I )ait to point out to 'er. I don,t accost 'er, &ecause my mot'er did not ne.lect to remem&er t'em on previous occasions. It,s 0ust t'at s'e is a simple )oman and does not t'in# &e+ore s'e spea#s. Dependin. on t'e place or people around, variation occurs. ('en my step+at'er )as present, my +at'er )as not at 'er &edside. ('en s'e +inally divorced 'im, my dad po)er+ully appeared. I never 'eard a&out 'er courts'ip )it' my +at'er until muc' later in li+e. 6e )as ten years 'er senior and 'ad +irst met my impressiona&le and 7 year*old mot'er at a Sunday mornin.

service )'ile on 'is mission in central 8assac'usetts. ('en s'e )as old enou.', t'ey )ere married in summer at t'e ne)ly raised LDS -emple in (as'in.ton D.C. 6er protective parents respected t'e ceremony &ut dou&ted and disli#ed t'e 'us&and. 6is surname )as S)edis', a Janson. %ven today in Scandinavia, &on+ires are lit all around t'e countryside &y Janssons, Carlssons, )'omever*sons, on my &irt'day. (alpur.is "i.'t mar#s t'e processional 'al+)ay point &et)een t'e vernal e9uino/ and t'e summer solstice. I 'ave a vision +rom my a&sent +at'er,s side, o+ +iery 'illtops in t'e nort', o+ people )'ose +aces are oddly li#e my o)n. It )as only last year t'at I told my mot'er t'is +act, )'ic' never appeared in 'er narrative. 6er story,s settin. is t'e diametric opposite o+ S)eden * t'e desert valley o+ t'e Great Salt La#e, )'ere t'e Latter*Day Saints, t'e +ounders o+ our spiritual 'erita.e, arrived in t'ousands o+ 'and and o/ carts, escapin. reli.ious persecution in t'e east. A century 'as devastatin.ly c'an.ed t'e valley. 8odern spra)l stretc'es +rom t'e stin#in. s'ores o+ t'e la#e to t'e +eet o+ t'e (asatc' :an.e. All t'is )estern ima.ery and 'istory doesn,t +ully appear in 'er tellin.. It,s all a &ac#drop to my miraculous e/istence. -'e real music my mot'er sin.s to me is a son. o+ mysel+. I am ta#en else)'ere, to a small place )it'out )eat'er or +eature, ot'er t'an s'e and I and no), my +at'er. As +ar &ac# as I can remem&er, I am t)o years*old 'idin. &e'ind my .randmot'er,s veined le.s and limp apron. ;or me, t'is is my &e.innin.. 8y &a&y &rot'er 'as 0ust &een &rou.'t 'ome, and I,m +eelin. a &urnin. mi/ture o+ curiosity at t'e ne) &ein. and 0ealousy +rom t'e attention 'e,s receivin.. I o&viously don,t )ant t'in.s to c'an.e &et)een my mot'er and I. Be+ore t'is scene, I am is o&scured, and so )'en I listen to my mot'er every year, I,m 'opin. to

.at'er a surer sense o+ my &ein.. But some +ra.ments +ade a)ay, aren,t repeated a.ain, and ot'ers are so +irmly placed t'at t'ey cannot &e uprooted. ('at is t'ere every year, is a )'istlin. doctor. 8y +at'er )as at )or# )'en 'er )ater &ro#e and t'e contractions &e.an. 8y mot'er only 'ad my .rand+at'er at 'and, as 'er parents )ere visitin. to see my arrival on t'is planet. "otoriously over*care+ul &e'ind t'e )'eel to a +rustratin. de.ree, 'e drove 0ust under t'e speed limit )'ile my mot'er yelled in 'er ever*present pain, as any e/pectant mot'er )ould, to !drive +aster<$ -'ey arrived near midni.'t, my mot'er 'o&&lin. into t'e &irt'in. center no dou&t, and t'en s'e says s'e )as calmed &y a so+t )'istle +loatin. do)n t'e 'all)ay. -'e doctor appeared )it' a .enial smile, .reeted t'em &ot' and received my mot'er. I 'ave o+ten )ondered since t'is detail arose in t'e narrative, 0ust )'at 'is tune 'ad &een. (as it Bac'= Bac'arac'= A country )estern son. or roc#,n,roll standard= -'e amnion around me 'ad already le+t 'er )om&, so per'aps deeper in my o)n memory, i+ not in 'ers, are t'e +irst +e) &ars o+ notes I ever 'eard. I 'ave t)o o&0ects )'ic' are &ot' present in t'e earliest p'oto.rap' o+ me > a teddy &ear +rom my .randparents and a &a&y &lue, pin#, yello) and cream )'ite &lan#et #nit &y my aunt. -'ese are my secondary sources, my a++irmations. Some #ids 'ave t'eir &irt's on video tape, some 'ave a stain on t'e couc' in t'eir livin. room. "e)ly ac9uired are s'oes mailed +rom one o+ my .randmot'er,s treasured &o/es. S'e 'as al)ays s'ared and appreciated my interest in +amily 'istory, and so )illin.ly parted )it' )'at )as once on my tiny +eet. Anot'er arti+act is t'e +irst piece o+ clot'in. t'at I )ore upon my &ody, )it' my doctor,s name and t'e center I )as delivered at across +rom t'e Bri.'am ?oun. 2niversity campus. -'ese old o&0ects corro&orate

'er story, &ut provide very little +or t'e 9uality o+ 'er narrative. -'e openin. line o+ Dic#ens, Hard Times comes to mind * !"o), )'at I )ant is, ;acts$ * &ut I cannot +ind t'em in me. I came into t'is )orld +aster t'an any o+ 'er t'ree c'ildren, ta#in. a little over one 'our o+ la&or. %ven t'en, I )anted not to &e a &urden on ot'ers. I 'ad a sa+e delivery and )as a 'ealt'y &a&y, only )ei.'in. 0ust over @ and one 'al+ pounds !li#e a little porcelain C'ina doll$ as my mot'er al)ays puts it. -'is al)ays ir#s me in t'e middle o+ t'e storytellin.. 6er comment &rin.s me out o+ t'e narrative and into 'er sentiment, t'e endearin. attitude s'e 'as 'ad to)ards me as 'er +avorite. -'is attitude colored all my early li+e as a &oy )'o #ept close to 'is mot'er al)ays and secretly +elt t'e pro/imity sa+e &ut #ne) it to &e arrestin.. It )as especially 'ard to &ear )'en I )as a teena.er and could no lon.er spea# to 'er a+ter +rustratin. !'eart*to*'earts.$ By t'e time s'e pus'ed me out, my +at'er 'ad arrived +rom )or#. I am told 'o) t'e circumstances o+ my +irst moment on %art' )ere special and even uni9ue compared to ot'er &irt's. I am said to 'ave emer.ed )it'out a cry and )it' eyes )ide open, immediately .aAin. upon my +at'er. 6e t'en leaned over my mot'er )it' )onder and tears, tellin. 'er !'e loo#ed ri.'t at me<$ It )as one o,cloc# in t'e mornin. as I )as )ei.'ed, measured, and t'erea+ter spared o+ t'at second cut, a+ter t'e um&ilical cord * pro&a&ly &ecause my mot'er did not )is' to upset or 'arm me, a &rand ne), c'eris'ed &a&y &oy. -'e narrative a&ruptly speeds up li#e a +rei.'t train )it' car a+ter car o+ a++ections and praiseB !?ou )ere 0ust t'e 'appiest &a&y, so curious and al)ays loo#in. around at everyt'in., a &eauti+ul &a&y, never cran#y, al)ays content, etc.$ I am and al)ays 'ave &een per+ect to 'er, and I try to direct 'er a)ay +rom t'is annual s'o)erin. )it' 9uestions o+ my o)nB !('at )as our +irst place li#e= 6o) )as my +at'er )it' me= ('at did I usually eat and )'ere did you ta#e

me=$ 6er story 'as to continue on to anot'er destination, a secret one even, per'aps a dar#er place )'ere t'e memories aren,t so &ri.'t. I )ant to .round 'er 'appiness. I &ecome +ar too nauseous in t'e presence o+ 'er pride. A+ter a +e) years o+ marria.e and a little &e+ore I )as t)o my .randmot'er c'ased my +at'er out o+ 'er 'ome )it' a &room. It sounds +unny, &ut 'e re+used to leave my mot'er despite 'is psyc'olo.ical issues and t'eir trou&led relations'ip. 6e 'ad lost numerous 0o&s &ecause o+ a s'ort temper, t'e last at )'ic' 'e 'ad punc'ed 'is &oss. Despite &ein. 8ormon and a.reein. )it' t'e &elie+ in #eepin. t'e &ody pure, 'e 'ad a su&stance a&use pro&lem and spent time smo#in. pot )it' 'is dealer. 8y mot'er says 'e )ould suddenly &ecome anta.onistic )'en s'e con+ronted 'im, +larin. up and yellin. at 'er. S'e revealed t'at 'e even once pic#ed me up as I )as cryin. over 'is noise, and screamed at me to stop, tossin. me &ac# do)n in my cri&. -'ese dar#er events slo)ly came to li.'t, )'en my mot'er +elt I )as old enou.' to #no). ('en my mot'er remarried in 330 to 'er ne) 'us&and, a Burns, my &rot'er and I )ere .iven t'at Scottis' name. Cur +at'er,s name )as no) a&sent on t'e ne)ly revised &irt' certi+icates. 8y &rot'er +inally received a middle name, :o&ert, +rom our new +at'er. A ne) li+e arrived )it' my 'al+*sister, &orn in Ccto&er o+ t'at year, and )e &ecame a .roup o+ +ive. ;rom t'en on )e Ai.Aa..ed our )ay across t'e country, a year or t)o more in 8assac'usetts, t'en 2ta' a.ain, Cre.on, upstate "e) ?or#. 1oor, )it'out )or#, and restless +rom t'e inertia o+ movin. all t'e time. 8y si&lin.s and I )ere perpetually t'e ne) #ids, ma#in. +riends slo)ly and losin. t'em 9uic#ly. I e/perienced a&use I could remem&er and )ould +ind it di++icult to +or.et and +or.ive +or in t'e +uture.

Cnce I 0ettisoned a)ay on my o)n, I settled in t'e .reenery o+ t'e 1aci+ic "ort')est. 6er story )as told on my 4t' &irt'day )it' ne) in+ormation, c'ie+ly a&out my +at'er. I +elt t'e need to connect )it' 'im and &y t'e D operatin. service, trac#ed 'im do)n to "ort' 2ta'. 8y

mot'er )arned a.ainst doin. so, &ut supported my e++orts, alon. )it' my .irl+riend at t'e time. (e spo#e to eac' ot'er a.ain a+ter t)enty years. 6e )anted to ma#e sure I #ne) +rom 'im 'is love +or me still, t'at 'e didn,t )ant to leave, and t'at 'e )as .oin. to openly s'are our reconnection )it' 'is +amily. 6e 'ad remarried t'ree years a+ter t'e split )it' my mot'er and no) 'ad 5 c'ildren )it' 'is )i+e Earen. I received a letter +rom 'im )it' pictures &ot' old and ne). -)o )ere o+ a trip to a +amily reunion )it' my mot'er &ac# in Ida'o, )'ere 'e )as &orn and raised. A +e) more )ere o+ me, one in )'ic' 'e,s 'oldin. me a +e) days a+ter comin. 'ome. -'e last )as one o+ 'im, 'is )i+e and 'is +amily on t'e la)n o+ t'eir c'apel. -'e +aces o+ 'is c'ildren, all o+ my 'al+*sisters and little 'al+*&rot'er, loo#ed stran.ely +amiliar and I )as a&le to see in t'eir eyes and t'eir c'ee#&ones, t'at same li+e and +ire in mysel+. I c'eris' t'ese no) )it' care, and recently made copies +or my &rot'er. Cver t'e p'one 'e 'ad to address my mot'er. 6e used 1'il Collins, !Bot' Sides o+ t'e Story$ as a )ay o+ ma#in. sure I #ne) t'at s'e 'as 'er version, &ut !)e need to 'ear &ot' sides o+ t'e story.$ -'is is mentioned a.ain in t'e letter, )'ose envelope also contained some small sel+*pu&lis'ed &oo#s entitled !C'an.e$ and !%/pression ;rom 8y Soul.$ 6e )as a )riter, an amateur pilot, and 'e li#ed to listen to -'e Doors. I +inally 'ad a sense o+ )'o 'e really )as. -'e deepest impression made upon me &y our reconnection )as t'e uncanny resem&lance in +i.ure, tone, )ritin. style and apparently psyc'olo.y, t'at my +at'er 'ad to my step+at'er. I 'ad to say aloud, !s'e married t'e same .uy t)ice<$ )'en I realiAed t'e similarities. I did not

'o)ever &e.in to +eel somet'in. di++erent in re.ards to my +at'er. 6e )as and still is t'e one )'o )as t'ere at t'e &edside, ta#in. my mot'er and I up in 'is small aircra+t, paintin. 'ouses on t'e side, stru..lin. )it' 'is +ait' and ma#in. it in t'e )orld. But I never .re) close to 'im and our contact eventually ceased. I .re) closer to Bo& rat'er t'an to my !real$ +at'er. 6e )as a 'ard*ass, -e/as*raised, .iant and an.ry man, &ut 'e )as also +unny, +ull o+ dreams, and a dad )'o 'ad al)ays &een t'ere. -'ere )asn,t a man )'o I never #ne), out in t'e )orld some)'ere. 6e 'ad al)ays &een around. 8y mot'er +inally &ro#e t'at cycle o+ marryin. similar men t'ou.' and is no) )it' someone more li#e 'er +at'er, a sa+e &et )it' a lon.*retired navy man. I,m committed to li.'tin. a &on+ire t'is April.