http://www.net-burst.net/guilty/extreme_grace_testimony.

htm Gods Extreme Grace The Christian Who Kept Doing All he Could To Force God to Reject Him Hope When You Feel Unforgivable

About this page: This testimony is extreme. Few people will understand why Jake has acted the way he has. This is because few people have suffered like him or have had the required depth of counseling experience. So although I understand, I dont expect many readers to grasp why Jake has behaved like he has in his Christian walk, but I do expect you to be moved by the proof of Gods love revealed in this testimony. I share Jakes story not because of how much God loves Jake, (as if to insult God by implying he could love Jake more than you) but I share it because this testimony features the God who likewise loves you with all that he has. Unlike fairy tales, real people have highs and lows. Real people make great progress and then slip back again. Casual observers cannot understand why, for instance, many former addicts, after enjoying freedom and victory, fall back into their old bondage. What observers could only know if they were inside a former addicts skin is the wearying craving for former highs. In the case of abuse survivors like Jake, it is the lingering, nagging doubts about Gods love, the intense fear that God will reject them as so many others have, and the continual, draining inner fights against feeling depraved and unlovable. Like the continual dripping of Chinese water torture; like termites continually gnawing away at a buildings support beams, the accumulative affect of the Deceivers malicious whisperings is an enormous challenge to ones faith. That doesnt mean we are forced to give in, but it explains why those who have been deeply hurt typically fall, over and over again, and why God keeps forgiving and forgiving. 1

Jake is in his forties. I have been in contact with him, an average of several times a week, for over a year. During that time, I have gained a deep respect for Jakes walk with God, even though throughout that time he has had regular battles like that described below. Although Jakes behavior has been unusual, I know from extensive experience with people who are guilt ridden that they need exceptional testimonies because they are inevitably tempted to think that they are the worst sinners on the planet and that virtually everyone is forgivable but them. Grantley Morris Founder of Net-burst.net and ghostwriter of this webpage

The Testimony My father violently killed my eldest sister when she was a baby. The details were covered up and my mother stayed with him, so they were free to expend their sexual abuse and sadism on me. Ill spare you details but you need a little information to understand me. I cant be sure how close to being a newborn I was when my mistreatment began, but it was certainly in full swing when I was still a baby. A sister who survived, recalls being ordered to clean my blood and excrement off the walls after one episode. She saw me in the crib and thought I was dead. An example of my toilet training was being yelled at while having my bodily movements smeared all over me, including in my mouth. Other times my head was forced into the toilet after it was filled with filth. I felt sure they were going to drown me. Many of these experiences were so damaging psychologically that for years I suppressed the memory. This suppression kept me from understanding why for much of my Christian life I always despised myself and even thought that I stunk to God. Throughout my most impressionable years and beyond, my parents kept insisting that I deserved the treatment they dished out. This indoctrination from my tenderest years left me so disturbed that during my adult life I would act out such abuse on myself, without understanding why, but feeling that I deserved it. My parents claimed their abuse was for my own good and was because they loved me. This left me with a deep fear of love even Gods love. Of course, I knew intellectually that Gods love is perfect and is nothing like what I experienced as a child but, as 2

anyone who fears harmless spiders or snakes can attest, intellectual knowledge does not dispel crippling fear. By the time I was in my mid teens, I had been sexually abused by my mother and at least eight males. I was addicted to lust of every kind. I was even involved in the occult, asking demons and sexual spirits to have sex with me. I vowed to always be in control and never yield to anyone, not even God. Nevertheless, at the age of nineteen I had a true encounter with the Lord Jesus and made him my Savior. I had joined the military to learn how to kill people. I would use pages of the Bible as rolling papers for the marijuana joints I smoked. I hated God and I was sure he hated me. I had long since given myself to Satan, thinking that he had power that I wanted. If a Christian would tell me of Jesus I would completely lose it, yelling, cussing, raising my fist and spitting in the air at God. At least once I got within an inch of a Christians face and spat on him. The way that Christians did not retaliate made me presume they were wimps. I joined an army shooting competition. A Christian there was the best soldier I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He was a strong man, and he could run like the wind just like me. I noticed that when he was ridiculed he did not ridicule back, yet it seemed that he was unafraid of anyone who would give him grief. There was a peace about him that seemed to go wherever he went. That is what I craved. He would tell me of Jesus but I just did not get it. I was posted overseas and while there I read the book of Revelation from the Gideons Bible. For months I was fearful least I die and go to hell. I could find no one to tell me of Jesus. One day I took a turn way too fast on a slick, muddy road. The trailer jackknifed and my jeep started spinning. I was careering towards a three hundred foot drop. God help me! I cried, with real meaning for the first time in my life. Suddenly, in defiance of the laws of physics, the jeep began spinning in the opposite direction. I emerged without a scratch, convinced that there is a God who cares. Some unseen force had to have reversed the motion of that vehicle. After that I had a dream. I was being shot at by snipers and my aunt pulled up in a car and said; Get in and get saved. Afterwards, I phoned my aunt and found that she had been praying for my salvation. She asked me to take leave and come home. I flew in and sat with her pastor while he explained the Gospel. In my boot was a survival knife and I was about to use it on him. Something restrained me. I flew back to my base, thinking I must be saved because I now believed there was a Jesus Christ who died on the cross and rose from the dead to pay for my sins. I 3

presumed I was going to heaven but I could not figure out why my life did not change. I hated my life and I hated my sin. I was in despair and could not stop taking drugs. Even worse, I could not change my heart nor the pain that seemed so deep and the reasons for it were still unknown to me due to so many suppressed memories. The Christian that had been on the shooting team with me was assigned to my unit. He invited me to church, where he gave his testimony. When I returned to my barracks that night I fell on my knees and cried out to Jesus to come into my heart. No one needed to tell me about the need to repent. My sin weighed heavy on my heart. It was as if I could feel the fires of hell rising up into my very soul, scorching my heart. I wept bitter tears, asking Jesus over and over to be my Lord and Savior. Finally I heard the Spirit of God say that asking once was enough. I got up from my knees, climbed into bed, and had the best sleep of my life. I arose in the morning to find that the black cloud that had followed me all the days of my life was gone. During formation that morning my fellow soldiers could see the joy on my face and asked me what had happened. I told them that last night I got saved and my sins were forgiven. I could not get enough of Gods Word. I devoured it as a famished man. I lost most of my friends. No one wanted to hang with me. I would always speak of the cross of Christ and share the gospel whenever possible. On Sunday mornings when we were on maneuvers some of the troops would come and get me to preach to them. At first this really frightened me until I found that every time I stood to speak, the Holy Spirit would just empower me to preach the story of Jesus. Once I addressed a gathering of over two hundred soldiers. I had no training, nor did I have great knowledge, but such was my passion for my Jesus that I could not hold it in. The words would burn as a fire in my heart. My whole life changed drastically. No longer was I a druggie, nor did I even desire drugs. I would spend wonderful times in the Word and prayer, sometimes four hours a day or more. A carefully edited version of my testimony would be impressive, but though it shames me, every Christian who feels beyond forgiveness needs to know the side of me that only God sees. The contrast is almost unbelievable. So damaging was my childhood suffering that even after I was well and truly saved I still had bouts of screaming at God to leave me alone. Could he not see that I was useless, no good, and stunk? Never having experienced anything different, I was hounded by the deep feeling that God had to be like my former abusers. The scars were so deep and the haunting 4

memories so strong that they kept overpowering any attempt at logic and filling me with the expectation that God would end up acting like my many abusers. Having been molested by my mother in my infancy was particularly damaging because I remained haunted by the memory of hating the abuse and yet simultaneously being afflicted with physical pleasure as it occurred. For most of my adult life I did not understand that feeling physical pleasure under such circumstances is like hating being tickled and yet uncontrollably laughing. Not realizing that it was a physical reaction, not an indicator of morality, the memory of having felt pleasure and even the memory bringing me a mixture of revulsion and sexual excitement kept making me fear that I was unforgivably perverse. But my mistake ran deeper still: I had failed to grasp that Jesus had died for the forgiveness of all sin, no matter how deliberate or perverse or repeated. Despite growing in Bible knowledge and having wonderful times with God, the wounds of my childhood suffering kept making me feel as if God were setting me up for the most painful of experiences me falling deeply in love with him and then him rejecting me. In fact, it seemed to me so certain that God would end up rejecting me acting just like those in my childhood who claimed to love me that I often found myself hell-bent on proving to God that he could not possibly love me. Feeling convinced that it was what I deserved, I would actually ask the devil to possess me and tell him to rape me and use me as a whore. And yes, I did this countless times after I was definitely born again. For my whole life I have craved genuine, pure, tender, intimate love. Yet very often when God presented it in undeniable ways, I would run from it and strike out at him. I would tell God to kill me, because I was just too ugly and dirty. I would cuss and swear at him in anger because he kept saying he loved me. The fear of Gods rejection and the feeling that rejection was inevitable were so intense that in between beautiful times with God I kept having countless times of doing everything I could to end the agony of never knowing when the rejection would occur. To me, the obvious way to stop prolonging the agony was to bring on that inevitable rejection that very instant. I told God to leave and Satan to be my father because that is what I deserved. I told Jesus that I renounce him and the cross. I often felt as if I had gone too far into sin to ever be restored back into the occult that I was once delivered from. Yet my Savior refused to hate me but still kept on wooing me. 5

I was filled with bitterness toward myself for enjoying my mothers touch when she had sexually abused me as a child. What a torment it is, even now at times. I would hear screaming in my head directed at me, You whore! Look at your mother! How can God help you? Feeling repulsively filthy, I would yet again run from Jesus, clenching my fist at him and daring/commanding him to strike me dead as I would cuss at him. I would wake in the middle of the night hitting myself, thinking and feeling that I needed to be punished. I felt sure I was the scum of the earth. Youre a liar! I told God in response to his claims to love me. You cannot possibly love me and I will prove it to you! I would cover myself with bodily filth to show God how disgusting I was. I would plunge into porn and masturbation. I would again call demons my father and ask them to punish me. Such was my compulsion to prove to God that he could not possibly love me. Then I would again come to my senses and repent. And to my astonishment, God always accepted me back. I told him that I do not understand why he has not killed me with the things I have done. I had always thought that if I had let God get too close to me that he would use and hurt me. He never did.

Special Revelation My wife used to say at times that the Lord had spoken to her. I would reply that God does not and cannot speak to anyone except by his Word. I would claim that visions, dreams and such were most likely from the enemy. I had thought I had heard the Lord speak to me during my earliest Christian years but I had since accepted the teaching of my church that this was impossible. I never considered that if the devil could speak lies to us using the method that God did in Bible times, why could the Almighty and All-knowing God no longer speak truth to us this way? A turning point came one day when I was about to touch something and I felt the Lord telling me not to. Investigation revealed that hidden inside was a black widow spider. After initially being exceptionally cautious, I now find that God speaks to me often. Every time I have heard from him it has always come with Scripture to back it up, just to assure me that it is God who is 6

really speaking to me. Whenever I hear his voice and or see a vision or dream, I always ask, Who is Jesus Christ? The response has always been, Jesus Christ is Lord. I always question where the divine encounter is leading me. Is it leading me to a deeper relationship with the one true God or away? Is it leading me to live more holy and pure? Does it line up with Gods Word, and has it come with Gods Word? Then I check myself to ensure that my desire is not to chase after exotic experiences but to run after the living God and have a closer relationship with him. Sometimes the Lord has graciously provided powerful confirmation that I am truly hearing from him. For example, when I was recently ministering to a distressed friend, the Lord gave me a vision about her. To her amazed joy, what I saw was identical to a vision about herself that she had received more than twenty years ago. Not surprisingly, she was profoundly encouraged. Once I wrote in my journal: There is bitterness and rebellion in my heart that keeps me from you. Jesus, I will expectantly wait for you to bring me spiritual and emotional healing. That night, or the very next, I do not recall which, something happened. I know not if it were a dream or a vision. What I do know is that it was real. I was a child and God was holding me and loving me in a very clean, pure, innocent way. I had never experienced that type of love in my life. How it dispelled fear and pain, and brought an overwhelming sense of joy! Afterwards, I wrote in my journal: Thank you for your gentleness with me. When I rebelled and struck out at you there was no retaliation. When I kicked at you there was no strike back. Through such experiences I learned to see God as the Daddy I have always craved but never found in a human. I now believe that God probably wept whenever I acted out. I think it was not because of the pain I inflicted on him that he wept, but for me and the injuries I have kept inflicting on myself. What love! Yet my bouts of resisting his love continued. I punished myself, not to try to gain favor with God, but because at times I would feel his love and want to cry and punish myself to prove to him that I am unlovable and unlovely. Once I had a terrible flashback from my childhood of bodily filth being smeared all over me. I kept asking God in an accusing 7

manner, Where were you when all this happened? Then I saw him as the abuse occurred, kneeling beside me, weeping. Later he told me that I was clean and clothed with the righteousness of Christ. I kept arguing with him, Yes, Daddy, I am wearing the white robe of Jesus righteousness but I am getting the inside of the robe dirty from the filth that was put on me, and the filth is bleeding through. Soon after, I had another flashback of childhood abuse and when it was over God gave me a vision of himself, the great and perfectly good Daddy, cleaning all of the filth off me with his own hand. It really struck me that in the vision there was no fear of his touch. He was gentler than the tenderest mother. After seeing myself so thoroughly cleansed, I could not argue that I would get the inside of the righteousness robe dirty. Instead, my argument turned to this: I am clean on the outside but I am still dirty on the inside. Before long, I had another vision of Daddy with his own hands wrapping my body and limbs with clean pure linen cloth that had been dipped in the blood of Christ. I felt this righteousness seep into every cell of my being, and he assured me that even the tiniest part of every cell had been wiped completely clean not just the outside but right to the inside of the smallest parts of every cell, even the parts so tiny that science does not know of. Then Daddy wrapped me in a large, clean and pure baby blanket, as an infant is wrapped up tight to make it feel safe and warm. He held me to his chest, smiling down on me, quieting me with his love. It seemed as if he was actually counting all the hairs of my head and studying my face and cooing. I wish I could say that all these wonderful experiences with God have stopped me from ever again treating God so vilely. There have still been times when I have slipped, but God has never stopped loving me. Maybe this is because he would rather set us on high as a trophy of his love and grace than tear us down. I am crying now for joy and love as I write this. His eyes are full of compassion and love. His arms desire to build up, not tear down. His desire is to see me grow into a man that he can be so proud of. His love is soft. This is not to be confused with weakness, for in his softness and tenderness is great strength. He can hold me in his arms so that I have no need to fear falling. I so much need him to hold me in this holy way. Yet so often when I have been close to him and felt his comfort, I have been afraid it will turn to pain and rejection. It truly amazes me that his desire is to delight in me as I delight in him. I never had anyone want to delight in me. Nor have I ever had anyone look at me with such eyes of love. 8

Why is God so gentle to me? I have often asked. Ive been so very angry with myself. Even the readers patience with me would have folded years ago at the way I kept reverting to atrocious behavior but Gods patience has kept going. If only I could say all the countless manifestations Ive received of Gods enormous patience ended my shameful outbursts against God, but they didnt. Its as if I am two persons: one that can accept Gods love and forgiveness, and one that cannot. Im embarrassed to admit that I have kept flip-flopping from one to the other, over and over and over throughout more than twenty years of walking with God. As the disciples doubted even after witnessing so many miracles, so when new painful flashbacks come, I still doubt. It blows me away that even if I doubt, he is still so patient with me. Despite the doubts, however, I am able to remind myself of the truth. Gradually, I have come to the point of rarely arguing with Daddy that I am unclean. I just tell him that I feel a certain way, not that I am that way. Once I yelled out to God that I forgive my mother. The Lord knew I meant it. I had traveled the painful forgiveness road many a time. But this time he asked something else: would I forgive myself for all my real and imaginary guilt? My decades-long struggle has not been in getting God to forgive me, but in me forgiving myself. Through all my struggles, Jesus has been visiting me as the tender Daddy that I never had as a child. He has also nurtured me and continues to as the most loving and perfect of mothers. At no time and in no way has he ever condemned me. It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? the Word says (Romans 8:3334). A couple of years ago I gave Jesus permission to come into every dark area of my heart and open it up so that I could be entirely his. I asked him to go into all the rooms that I have locked away, thinking that he did not see. Nothing was a shock to him. As Jesus began opening the doors to my heart, new memories came that were previously unknown to me. It says in the gospels that Jesus had no need for anyone to tell him what was in peoples hearts, for he knew. Likewise, he knew what was in my heart: pain beyond what even I had realized, and a great sense of shame. His Word says Jesus has come to heal the broken hearted and bind up all their wounds. I have found this to be true. One of Jesus names is Wonderful Counselor. The Holy Spirit is also called Counselor or Helper. His counsel is true and right. He has never 9

failed. He is still in the process of counseling me. He daily walks with me. I deeply regret the way I have treated my Lord. I have no desire to abuse his magnificent grace. For most of my life I never thought that a man could be a man and be pure or desire pureness, holiness and beauty. It is now coming to me. It is a thing to be attained that is more desired than gold or any false pleasure that this world could offer. With Grantleys support, the Lord is showing me the hidden causes of my puzzling behavior. At last, Im healing from the psychological damage inflicted on me from babyhood right through to my late teens. I have shared my testimony, however, not because I think many will be able to identify with my affliction, but because I hope it will help everyone who is repentant and yet still feels beyond Jesus forgiveness to see through those deceptive feelings to the tender heart of God and the forgiving power of the cross. Ive kept repenting and Gods kept forgiving, through the power of Christs sacrifice. Hell do the same for you. Making Sense of This By Grantley Our neighbors grass always seems greener than ours. One of lifes illusions is that everyone else seems more favored by God than us. Few of us would envy Jakes upbringing but, like me, most of us have had nothing remotely like the powerful experiences with God that Jake has had. His testimony, however, confirms what we see over and over in the Bible: people doubting after witnessing tremendous miracles. Clearly, special experiences with God are not nearly as effective in building faith as we might suppose. Spiritual highs quickly evaporate. Personal miracles just make us more accountable; they dont lower anyones need to hold on in bare faith when tough times come. Despite our temptation to think otherwise, every Christians profound need is not for signs but for sheer faith. After reading Jakes testimony, someone battling guilt feelings wrote to me: Some time ago, God speaking through you gave me real hope and changed my life. I am not saying I dont still struggle at times with feeling false guilt over things Christ has cleansed me of, but God is now very tangible to me and I understand that he is with me no matter what I am going through. I have discovered that true healing and progress comes from simple, raw faith the kind of white knuckle faith you must hold on to no matter what. This is the true blessing: keeping 10

faith, no matter what. Just as Scripture records miracles, not merely for the benefit of those who witnessed them, but for our sake, so we benefit from Jakes encounters with his (and our) Daddy. Even though Scriptures affirmations alone should suffice, Jakes intimate experiences with God confirm to us that despite all Jakes bouts of defiance against his Savior, he is truly forgiven. And that same God the God who declares that he is no respecter of persons will keep forgiving you, if you keep maintaining a repentant attitude and keep putting your faith in Christs power to forgive. You Need More To be haunted by guilt feelings, spiritual worries and repulsive thoughts is like trying to drive safely through trafficin the midst of continual distractions. This website has the vast number of webpages you need in order to stay focused. Read them daily. Next Testimony: My Deepest Secret: Tormented by Blasphemous Thoughts

Not to be sold. Copyright, 2007 Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give.

Would you like to write to Grantley? Heres your chance! Click the icon, or E-mail by the method of your choice: guilt@netburst.net Vital Help The Beginning The only way to not miss any of this feast of uplifting webpages about false guilt is to start at Feeling Condemned? Theres Hope! and follow each link. You wont regret it! Feeling Rejected by God An important part of this series of webpages 11

Unforgivable? The part of the series that deals with the unforgivable sin Testimonies They thought they were unforgivable Scriptures Some of the vast number of Scriptures proving that you can be forgiven God Loves Me! Receive Your Personal Revelation of Gods Love A separate, very important series Demons The beginning of a series of webpages Dealing with Depression and Discouragement God & Suffering Coping with fears that God might be harsh and unloving Becoming a Winner Breaking addictions and besetting sins Encouragement When You Feel Defeated Index to Entire Site A treasure trove of stimulating, compassionate, often humorous, webpages for Christians by the same author on a vast number of topics. This website is enormous! Scripture quotations are from the New International Version Copyright, 1978 by New York International Bible Society http://www.net-burst.net/counselor-therapist/satanic-ritual-abuse.htm Satanic Ritual Abuse / Sadistic Ritual Abuse (S.R.A.) Explained

NetBurst.Net

SRA can stand either for Satanic Ritual Abuse or Sadistic Ritual Abuse. Both involve cruelty and the deliberate creation of insiders (also known as alters or parts). Technically, Satanic Ritual Abuse occurs when child abusers consciously seek the involvement of evil supernatural powers through Satan worship or occult practices. In contrast, in Sadistic

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Ritual Abuse the abusers do not attempt to summon occult powers, although it is possible that demons might take advantage of the situation. As already hinted, what distinguishes SRA is that whereas if other child abusers create insiders in their victims it only by accident, SRA abusers have learnt from other evil people how to cause their victims personality to split (or fragment), and deliberately create insiders to make their victims more compliant. As a result, SRA victims usually have a very large number of insiders; sometimes several hundred. Knowing that some children react to trauma by forming separate identities (insiders) as a coping mechanism, SRA abusers deliberately induce trauma. A typical way is to put their victims into a no-win situation, such as telling them that if they do not kill a certain person, then someone else dear to them will be killed. That way, no matter what the victims do they will be riddled with horror and guilt over feeling a false sense of responsibility for the persons death. A key point to keep in focus is that the result is the same in the victims psyche regardless of whether the event actually happened or was merely a clever hoax. For example, if guns are filled with blanks and the person supposedly shot keels over in a pool of fake blood and is never seen again, the trauma will be as effective in producing an insider as if the person had actually been murdered. Furthermore, it is easier for the abuser if the event is actually an elaborate trick. It means, for example, there are no bodies to dispose of and if the abuse victim were ever to report the "murder" to the police they would discover that no one had been killed and the victim would be discredited should he or she make other allegations. We all know how convincing showmen (illusionists) can be when pretending to be magicians. On top of this, SRA victims are usually young and already so highly traumatized that even the most intelligent victim is rendered vulnerable to tricksters. SRA abusers often force drugs upon their victims, making it even harder to discern reality. Never forget that since SRA abusers are given over to evil, they cannot be expected to be truthful. Just as the devil himself is a liar (John 8:44), deceit is second nature to these people. Moreover, it is very much in their interest to deceive because the more they can deceive a victim, the less believable that persons stories will sound if ever reported to 13

Satanic Ritual Abuse

Sadistic Ritual Abuse

SRA

Dissociative Identity Disorder

D.I.D.

authorities. So SRA abusers cannot be trusted to tell their victims the truth about anything. For example, just because an abuser always claimed that someone is the victims parent, ancestor or some other relative does not mean it is true. Likewise, they might claim that certain public figures or organizations are somehow involved, but their say-so does not make it true. If abusers engage in satanic rituals, they might happen to believe in those practices but even their apparent belief could be a lie . They know that dark cloaked figures, human sacrifice, and eerie rituals would help traumatize a child and this could be enough to motivate them to use such things as props. Since in SRA abusers deliberately create alters, they usually try to anticipate everything someone might do to try to rescue a victim and turn that very thing into a trigger. For example, a Christian rescuer is sure to use the name of Jesus, so abusers often cause their victims to react in terror at the use of that name. They might, for example, have someone dress up to look like Jesus and claim to be Jesus while he abusers the child. SRA abusers often create sleeper alters who will be triggered by certain codes or signals or dates or lunar cycles. For example, a friend of mine had left the cult that had been abusing her but unknown to her they had created an alter that had been programmed to respond to a high pitched whistle. All that one of her abusers had to do was hide outside the house she had moved to, and blow the whistle. without the knowledge of the other alters this alter took over, unlocked the door and walked outside to the source of the whistle. By such means, people can still be involved in SRA while having no knowledge of it. Since any form of abuse is evil and anti-God, it so delights evil spirits (demons) that they are likely to become involved even if the abuser has no awareness or belief in the supernatural. Some abusers, however, deliberately seek the assistance of evil powers and try to put demons in their victims. Nevertheless, for anyone who is yielded to Jesus, demons are no more to be feared than cockroaches. Yes, the filthy trespassers need to be eradicated but they will run from even the weakest Christian who refuses to be intimated by their bluff. It is very important, however, to realize that 14

insiders can be brainwashed into thinking they are evil and can feel they have to do evil things in order to protect themselves. Some could even be convinced that they are demons. To mistake an alter for a demon is very damaging to a person, so when seeking to expel demons, great care must be taken not to mistakenly have confused insider in your crosshairs. Everything I have written about Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) should be read by people who have suffered SRA.

Related Pages For much more insight and help, see: Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder More about Demons Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net

2010, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. http://www.net-burst.net/hope/multiple-personalities.htm The Positive Benefits of Multiple Personalities

Do People With

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Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) Have Superior Brains?

Does Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.) Increase Ones Intellectual Powers?

A call for scientific research into the positive benefits of Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) on the brain

Introduction: Helping people who would like to read this to actually find it, is more challenging than for most topics. Although Dissociative Identity Disorder is the more fashionable term, some people have only heard of multiple personalities or Multiple Personality Disorder. A further complication is that some would type into a search engine only the abbreviation, and some would use periods, and some not, and some using spaces and some not, thus giving eight more options (D.I.D., D. I. D., DID, D I D, M.P.D., M. P. D., MPD, M P D). Still more perplexing is that search engines tend to give priority to webpages that mention a term several times. As you read the following, you will see how this has influenced my writing style. If I could find the time, Id engage in scientific research to confirm my conviction that Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) develops ones brain far beyond what it would normally have been. Of course, no sane person would want anyone to suffer the trauma that causes Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and until healing commences, D.I.D. is more of a handicap than an advantage, but I believe that ultimately a person can enjoy intellectual advantages from having had multiple personalities. Athletes focus on developing their bodies to perform at a level far beyond what they would otherwise achieve. Genetic factors aside, most people vary in their speed, strength, stamina and health, not so much because of deliberate training but primarily because of circumstances, such as the type of job they end up in. Just as the performance our bodies can achieve varies according to

A challenge for neuroscientists & research psychologists

Does Multiple Personality

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Disorder (M.P.D.) increase brain power, creativity and multi-tasking ability?

deliberate or accidental training or circumstances, so it is with our brains. In fact, no part of our bodies is capable of being improved by training or circumstances more than the brain. In psychology, learning has been defined as creating a permanent change in the brain. To understand how having multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder) could end up an intellectual advantage, consider this analogy: Imagine a laborer daily working in a job that involves moderately heavy lifting. His fellow workers use both arms for the task but he is forced to use only one. Since the load is not shared between each arm, each time he lifts, his lifting arm is effectively bearing twice the weight than borne by the arms of his fellow workers. The muscles in that one arm would therefore end up not only developing more than those in his other arm but stronger than the arm of any of his fellow workers. Now suppose that although he was allowed only to use one arm each time he lifted he was permitted to sometimes use his left arm and sometimes his right. Each arm would grow unusually strong because each time he lifts, one arm must bear the full weight, but in this scenario he will end up with superior strength in not just one arm but both. While he is unable to use both arms together, however, he has little advantage over his fellow workers and often a disadvantage, since using only one arm is awkward. But suppose after a year or so of lifting this way he is allowed to use both arms. He would then be able to lift heavier loads and achieve more than those who had always used both arms. This is how I believe it is, intellectually, with people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.). For years they have had to perform mental tasks, one alter at a time, thus being forced to use only a portion of their full intellectual capacity at any given time. This puts them at a significant disadvantage to other people. Like lifting with one arm, each part of the brain controlled by a specific alter is forced to develop beyond the corresponding part of the average persons brain. If, after years of this, the person begins to heal from Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.) so that alters begin to work together thus allowing the person to access different parts of the brain simultaneously one would expect the person to then have greater intellectual power than if he or she had never had multiple personalities (MPD), just like the 17

Encouraging thoughts for people with multiple personalities

laborer who finally gets to use both arms. One reason for believing that having multiple personalities affects the very structure of the brain is the very age at which Dissociative Identity Disorder (D. I. D.) commences. When neuro-scientists speak of the plasticity of the brain, they mean the ability of the brain to undergo change, move functions from one part of the brain to another, adapt to brain injury, and so on. Research confirms that although older brains have more plasticity than was once thought, the brains plasticity is greatest in babies and thereafter slowly declines through the years. (Just one outworking of this is the well-known fact that the younger a person is, the easier it is to learn a new language.) People with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D I D) usually have their first alter at a time when they were little children or babies at a time when their brains were particularly capable of significant re-wiring and anatomical changes. Psychologists keen to understand how the brain works and what it is capable of, have paid much attention to studying people who are bilingual. An observation they consider significant is instances in which bilingual people have suffered an injury to the brain that causes them to lose an entire language and yet their ability to use the other language has remained intact. I think findings concerning bilingual people are relevant to people with Multiple Personality Disorder (M P D) because it seems likely that having multiple personalities would cause various skills, abilities and knowledge to be duplicated and stored in separate parts of the brain, similar to what apparently happens when learning a second language. One alter, for example, was formed in her twenties without the ability to read and write. She had to teach herself these skills all over again. If this was the genuine learning from scratch that it seems, then this woman has the ability to read and write stored in two separate parts of her brain. If so, then extrapolating from the findings concerning bilingual people, it is a good guess that if she were to suffer a brain tumor, head injury or stroke, her chances of one of the parts of her brain storing this ability being unaffected would be higher than would for people who have never had Dissociative Identity Disorder. A friend of mine, when in her twenties, nearly died from 18

an infection that caused a dangerously high body temperature to rage for several consecutive days. Thereafter, her short-term memory was significantly impaired. Years later, as she began to understand Dissociative Identity Disorder, she discovered young alters that were exceptionally good not only at remembering events from years ago but with recalling numbers and so on encountered just minutes ago. By gaining the help of these alters, her ability to perform tasks that required short-term memory skyrocketed. This same woman had a poor sense of smell but discovered younger alters who had a much better sense of smell. She found that a younger alter could smell something and transfer to the host exactly what it smelt like. I presume that in both cases the parts of the brain habitually accessed by the host had been slightly impaired, whereas those parts accessed by the younger alters still functioned well. Creativity is of immense importance not just in the arts but in scientific advance, inventions and problem solving in every imaginable field of endeavor. It is well established that children are usually more creative than adults. The experience of people with Multiple Personality Disorder (M. P. D.) suggests that through their child alters, are much more able to tap into their creativity than if they had not suffered this disorder. My observations of people with multiple personalities also suggest that they are unusually skilled at multi-tasking. A young alter wrote in an e-mail apologizing for the spelling, explaining that her host was busy and unable to help her. My curiosity raised, I asked what her host had been doing. She replied that while she had been e-mailing, another alter was on the phone to a second person and yet another alter was working on figures and Instant Messaging the figures to a third person. At the same time she was handling interruptions from a fourth person who was with her in person. Her only restriction was that she had just one set of hands. She had the phone on her shoulder, and kept alternating between typing a little of the email while mentally working in the Instant Messaging, and then swapping to typing the Instant Messaging while mentally working on the e-mail. People who have seen this woman at work have been 19

flabbergasted, but I expect that many others with multiple personalities could do equally amazing multi-tasking. Another thing I have observed in people with Dissociative Identity Disorder is that if a particular alter has been working long, stressful hours that would exhaust anyone, that alter will take a days rest and ask other alters to take over while the tired one is recuperating. What is happening here? The person is still working. I believe it is like someone lugging a heavy bag in one hand. When that arm tires, he swaps hands and keeps going, feeling refreshed even though he is still carrying the bag. It seems that by swapping alters, people with Dissociative Identity Disorder are able to swap the part of the brain that has tired for another part that is relatively fresh. Thats a valuable ability that I expect few other people have. So, although it is only a guess on my part, it might be that Dissociative Identity Disorder could give a person extra stamina. If you were using your right arm to perform a skilled task for hours at a time, it would be a real advantage if you could give yourself a break by swapping arms. This would depend, however, on whether the part of your brain controlling your left arm has developed the necessary skills. It likely to me that not only muscles, but parts of the brain, can tire after hours of concentrated effort. So if someone with D.I.D. had developed different parts of the brain to perform the same task (mathematical calculations, for example) then when one part of the brain tires, the person could switch to using another, fresher part of the brain to continue the task, whereas other people would have to stop or would become less efficient at the task.

I see Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) as like splitting a computer into several smaller computers and then having to maximize the efficiency and programming of each computer in an attempt to match the performance of people who have larger computers. I see healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder (D I D) as linking each computer so that a super computer is formed. This is not merely restoring the brain to what it would

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have been had fracturing not occurred, but taking the brain beyond that level because the fracturing had forced each part of the brain to develop more than that part of the brain would have done had there been no fracturing. This is why I believe that having multiple personalities (M. P. D.) can end up producing a brain that is superior to what it would otherwise have been. If you have any thoughts about the possible intellectual advantages of Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) I would love to hear from you.

Related Pages The following is just a sample of the help available. For a full list, see Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder Main Page: Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) Powerful Help for People Traumatized as Children Pages by Alters: An Alter Meets Jesus Insights into How to Help Alters Insiders Testimony: I Thought I Was the Opposite Sex! Coping With All the Confusion of Being an Alter Gods Love for Alters A Word from Jesus to an Alter, For all Alters Helping you explain the gospel and empower child alters: Presenting Christ to Child Alters Heartwarming Stories for Child Alters Free help in the full recovery of survivors (male and female) of all forms of sexual interference: Comfort, Understanding and Healing for Abuse

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Survivors Gods Extreme Patience With Alters: I Kept Trying to Force God to Reject Me Encouraging testimony of a man with D.I.D (alters not specifically mentioned, but feature strongly) General Help: How to Comfort the Hurting Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net

Not to be sold. Copyright 2008, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. http://www.net-burst.net/counselor-therapist/choose-counselor.htm Choosing a Counselor / Finding a Therapist For Dissociative Identity Disorder / Multiple Personality Disorder

Christian Therapist

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NetBurst.Net

Although a good counselor can be extremely valuable, a bad one can significantly set you back. You can even choose a superb Christian therapist / counselor and end up deeply hurt, if due to unforeseen circumstances (sickness or whatever) the therapist / counselor ends up having to leave you in a year or so before you are fully healed. This is quite a possibility because full healing usually takes several years and counselors are typically so compassionate and needed so much that they are often in danger of over-extending themselves. This is one of several reasons why it is important to try to avoid emotional attachment and/or dependence upon a specific counselor, but despite the best intentions it often happens and if the counselor is forced to leave at a critical time in your healing, it can be quite a blow. So already it is becoming obvious why your choice of counselor should be a matter of much prayer. It is essential that a counselor not believe that alters are demons. (Ideally the counselor should believe in demons and be willing to cast them out but must strongly believe in caution in this regard). It is important that the counselor believe in regularly speaking individually to alters and not just addressing the host.

Finding a Christian Counselor

If at all possible, find a counselor who believes in leading each alter to Christ. I am suspicious of any counselor who thinks healing from D.I.D. might only take a few sessions. A counselor should not be overzealous in seeking quick integration of alters so that they are no longer treated as individual alters. It is tempting for all of us to seek a quick fix but a supposed cure could end up merely forcing alters into hiding. It might seem helpful in the short term but it would actually end up very counterproductive. Each alter has individual issues that needs to be addressed and healed, and each has a will that needs to be respected. Counselors need to keep a little aloof. Since the reasons for this are not immediately obvious, I need to provide a fuller explanation than for the other points.

Christian

It is of critical importance to your healing that every part of you bond with, and become dependent upon, 23

Therapist

Jesus and each other. Unfortunately, even though it can seem to initially help, getting too close to a counselor or to anyone else can detract from this critical bonding or even undermine it. You obviously need to bond with any children and/or marriage partner that you have, but not even these relationships must be allowed to detract from your relationship with Jesus and with every part of you. Counselors should not let little alters call them Dad or Mum or hug them. It is very tempting to break this rule because, in the short term, it seems loving and effective. The serious problem, however, is that it can create too strong a bond that, in addition to the issue already mentioned, would prove devastating if ever the counselor suffered from burnout, illness, needed to move away, or whatever. Counselors who make the mistake of getting too close usually have a good heart and, even if they have been doing it for years, are too inexperienced to realize the dangers. Not only is it unprofessional to hug counselees, it is often a sign of lacking the training and understanding that professionals have. Do not presume that the counselors gender will protect you from inappropriate bonding. Young, love-starved alters can bond exceedingly deeply and very quickly to either gender. Moreover, people with D.I.D. have usually been sexually wounded and often have alters who are unsure of their own gender and/or are attracted to the same gender as their body. You might not be currently aware of any alter within you with such vulnerabilities but you probably have alters you have not yet met. For more about the very real dangers of getting too close to a counselor, see the first section of Help for People with D.I.D. The counselor should be someone you feel comfortable with and preferably has an office and waiting room in which you feel comfortable. Ideally you should not always have to leave the premises immediately after the session but should have the opportunity to de-stress in a private room and to ensure that an alter skilled at driving or finding ones way home is fully present. There are advantages in having a fully accredited counselor 24

but ideally, the counselor should continually seek Gods guidance rather than trusting his/her experience and training. Before deciding on a counselor, I urge you to read thoroughly all the webpages listed at Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder. This will provide a very solid grounding and give you information that would usually take you months or even years to gain from a counselor, and it is free. Moreover, it will empower you to recognize a misguided counselor, although of course it will take time to get to know the counselor. If you looking for a counselor in the US, The American Association of Christian Counselors and the Christian Care Network website might be a good place to start. Not even this association, however, is prepared to stand by its counselors. To use this service you must agree to the disclaimer and proceed. If, like me, you live outside the US, there might be an equivalent association in your country.

You Have Rights and Your Counselor Has Rights You always have the right to say no and object to anything a counselor says or does. Survivors of child abuse are used to being in a situation where objections were ignored or even increased the abuse. They were also usually repeatedly told they were stupid. Being subjected to this is deeply wounding. Until full healing occurs, it will carry over into adulthood and strongly tempt these people to endure behavior from a counselor that should not be endured. Moreover, what is triggering to one person might not be for someone else. So if a counselor says or does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, let him/her know. A good counselor usually has many people clamoring for his/her help. And a compassionate counselor can easily endanger his/her long-term survival as a counselor by giving you more time than he/she is capable of sustaining. This is particularly the case when it comes to calling your counselor out of hours. It is in your own interest not to burn out your counselor, so please ensure it really is an emergency before you contact him/her out of hours

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Summary: Questions to Ask a Prospective Counselor I suggest you introduce yourself roughly like this: Im in the process of choosing a counselor. Would you mind if I asked a few questions to help me decide? Please dont think these questions impertinent. Im not necessarily looking for a perfect score; just hoping to weigh up which of the counselors available is best suited to me. * Do you believe in demons? * Do you cast out demons? * Do you believe alters are demons? * How important do you consider it to speak to individual alters rather than primarily just to the host? * Do you consider it important to lead each individual alter to Christ? * How long do you expect it will take to heal from D.I.D.? * Do you believe in letting little alters call you Dad/Mum? * Would you regularly hug little alters? * After counseling sessions, do you provide opportunity to de-stress and ensure that an alter skilled at driving or finding ones way home is fully present? * What training have you had? * What experience have you had in treating people with D.I.D.? * Is your training and experience enough or do you find yourself regularly needing to pray for discernment? * Are you a full member of a counselor/therapist association? * Does the government recognize you as a fully accredited counselor/therapist?

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* How frequently could I see you? * In emergencies, how available after hours are you? * Is there any charge? If so, how much? * Add any other questions you consider important.

Related Pages God, Counselors & Inner Healing For much more insight and help, see: Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net

2011, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. http://www.net-burst.net/demons/multiple-personalities.htm Multiple Personalities are NOT Demons

Dissociative Identity Disorder is Not Demonic

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Enormous psychological and spiritual damage has been inflicted on people by well-meaning, but tragically mistaken, Christians who have confused Multiple Personality Disorder (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder) with demonic activity. The result is like a surgeon blissfully supposing he is doing wonders by amputating the leg of the wrong patient. In fact, we will see there is a sense in which it is even more dangerous. NetBurst.Net Very many years ago, professionals universally rejected the confusing term Multiple Personality Disorder, replacing it with the term Dissociative Identity Disorder. The superseded term has remained in the mind of common people because it is easier to remember. What makes reference to multiple personalities so confusing, however, is that it instantly biases anyone unfamiliar with the true nature of condition to think of demons. If anyone had personalities inside him other than his own, those entities would surely be demons. But Dissociative Identity Disorder has nothing to do with foreign entities. What have been called personalities are simply different manifestations of the same person with a different degree of awareness, rather like a sleeping person having a different degree of awareness to when he is awake, or a person lost in an absorbing movie is in a different mental state to when he is highly conscious of his immediate surroundings. Looked at from another angle, people manifest a distinctly different personality when communicating with a baby than when talking with their boss, and different again when relaxing with a buddy. Different circumstances cause us to switch into a different way of speaking and behaving. These differences, of course, have nothing to do with the demonic. So it is with the commonly misunderstood condition previously known as Multiple Personality Disorder. We can understand someone suffering something so horrific that he cannot cope with thinking about it and his mind so effectively pushes it from his consciousness that he can no longer remember it. What happens, however, to little children whose mind so recoils from what they have suffered that they desperately need to suppress the memory but they cannot do so because the trauma often recurs, thus repeatedly reminding them of the horror? Dissociative We commonly speak of the inner child or the subconscious. With some victims of repeated childhood 28

Christian Help

Multiple Personality Disorder & Evil Spirits

Identity Disorder & Casting Out Demons

trauma (such as severe child abuse), these naturally occurring parts of the human mind become so strong that they act as if they were a slightly different part of the same person, often differentiated by age and awareness. This natural defense mechanism allows the child to have a little respite from having to be continually plagued with the awareness that they have suffered the unthinkable and that these horrifying events are likely to happen again. It is a desperate attempt to retain their sanity in the midst of unspeakable distress, enabling part of them to live in denial so that that part of them can limp through life relatively free from conscious awareness of their inner pain, while other parts of their mind continue to reel in unresolved agony over what they suffered. This reaction to severe trauma is commonly believed to commence only in young children, but once their mind discovers this way of coping, it can become an automatic response that continues into adulthood. Some parts of their consciousness that formed to cope with unthinkable horrors might have assumed demonic-sounding names such as Pain or Evil. The first type of name reflects the current agony of that part of their consciousness. The second type reflects the fact that little children believe adult abusers, who commonly try to break their victims by labeling them as evil, and so on. Dissociative Identity Disorder is not some theory dreamed up by non-Christians, such as secular psychologists, who are unaware of the reality of the spirit world. I try to take my lead from Jesus who said he did only those things he saw the Father doing (John 5:19,30). In my deep, personal interaction with many Christians who have multiple personalities, I have frequently known the Lord Jesus to reveal himself in powerful, loving ways to various personalities (often called alters or insiders) within people. I have frequently seen them embrace the power of the cross and been set free from guilt and shame as only Jesus can and undergo remarkable healings. I have also had close dealings with people with multiple personalities who have had demons. The evil spirits had, of course, to be commanded to leave in Jesus name, but the peoples alters (personalities) were very different, even though the surface similarity could easily fool an inexperienced person. Most people with Dissociative Identity Disorder have done their utmost to despise and suppress their alters, leaving that part of them not only unhealed of intense inner pain over past suffering, but cut off from social interaction and, even 29

worse, cut off from any knowledge of the Gospel that the person gained at a later age. Consequently, alters typically act like bitter, angry non-Christians, just like anyone would if he or she were a rape victim condemned to years of solitary confinement, denied awareness of the Gospel, and told to the point of brainwashing that he or she is irredeemably evil. Once someone has sufficient insight to explain to alters the power of the cross, they fall in love with Jesus and undergo beautiful transformations which, of course, would be impossible for demons. To be frank, I have met many alters whose relationship with Jesus is so real and intimate that Ive found it hard not to be envious. My extensive experience has confirmed over and over that, like all hurting children, alters are very dear to Gods heart. We Christians often talk about the huge difference between head knowledge about God and heart knowledge. By teaching their alters about Christ, a powerful transference of head knowledge to heart knowledge takes place in someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder. The spiritual benefits are enormous. Child abusers normally do all they can to crush their victims self-esteem. With this happening in ones formative years, it is the norm for people with multiple personalities to be exceedingly fragile, which makes it even more damaging when over-zealous demon chasers try to cast out a huge part of who they are. To reinforce an alters already dangerously false self-image by declaring them demonic could be the final straw. At the very least, any attempt to drive out an alter will succeed only in driving the alter into deep hiding, giving the host person temporary peace in that the person is no longer aware of the alter, but making healing of the persons inner pain, false guilt and so on, impossible (unless the damage is somehow reversed later). It could even result in the persons suicide. Even more appalling is that the likely result of driving an alter not out (which is impossible) but into deeper hiding, is to give the deluded demon chaser the false impression that he has succeeded, thus spurring him to repeat his devastation on other vulnerable people. Bottom Line It would be bad enough if your self-esteem were already so shattered by an horrific childhood that you are barely managing to battle the urge to kill yourself and then someone 30

giving the impression of being an infallible authority on such matters wrongly pronounces that you have a demon. But what if someone whose opinion you and your friends deeply respect went way beyond that and did the unthinkable of confidently concluding and probably declaring in the presence of all your friends that you dont just have a demon but that you are a demon? See this from the perspective of one of the personalities that someone is vainly attempting to exorcise. Each personality has the same human consciousness that you have, and even greater sensitivities. Can you grasp the horror of being so vulnerable as to actually be in danger of believing someone trusted as a spiritual authority who has arrogantly convinced himself that you are not just disgustingly and dangerously evil but literally a demon? Try to conceive what it would be like for not just a precious but ultimately indispensable part of your being to be treated as a demon, but for someone to seriously believe that you are a demon and, by implication, not human, but irredeemably evil and eternally damned.

Related Pages Warning: Exorcism Dangers Discerning Between Demons & Multiple Personalities An Alter Meets Jesus Healing Your Inner Child / Inner Pain Understanding DID For much more insight and help, see: Index of Christian Help for Dissociative Identity Disorder Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net

2008, 2011 Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net

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Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. http://www.net-burst.net/sex_abuse/imaginary_friends.htm The Comfort Imaginary Friends and Masturbation Brought to a Sexual Abuse Survivor The Difference Between Imaginary Friends and Demons The Stranger-Than-Fiction True Story of Christine, a College Graduate and Sexual Abuse Survivor in her Thirties For most of my life, imaginary friends have been my comfort, confidants, companions and source of matchless pleasure. Not everyone understands. One woman even had the audacity to say they were demons!

I was four years old when first sexually molested. It started with the man working in my backyard asking if I wanted to be a good girl and make him happy. Yes, I wanted to be a good girl. It quickly turned sour. I felt awful. I had nightmares that night. The next day, he came back and smiled at me. He winked and my mother told me to give him a hug. He saw the fear in my eyes. He was angry but we hugged. He went outside. My mother asked my father what had made him so angry. I think I know, I said. She scolded me and made me tell the man I was sorry for whatever I had done. He was happy then. Im shocked at how bad you are, he told me in private. You are a monster! Your mom will hate you if she finds out. You are a bad girl. Girls like you who make men do bad things get locked up. The police will come and lock you away. The terror of the police chills me to this very day. I believed every word, convinced that I must be very, very bad. It had to be true. He was an adult. Adults know these things. Now you belong to me, he said. I was trapped. There was 32

nowhere for a four year old to run. Even mommy would turn on me if she knew my dirty secret. As a neighbor and family friend who also did maintenance work on our house, he had easy access to me. Time after time after time he not only sexually abused me, he drilled it into me that what happened was my fault and that I was bad. Every time, it rammed home to me yet again the devastating conclusion that I was evil because, as he kept insisting with unchallengeable authority, there was something about me that I could never change my very appearance; the body I was born with that made him do bad things to me. Finally, when I was seven, he moved away. (He is now in jail for other sexual offenses.) Him leaving, however, did nothing to undo the damage. So devastatingly powerful is the effect of being programmed in ones impressionable years, that it took over thirty years and an act of God for me to stop believing that his despicable acts were my fault. So I kept quiet. My family taught that everyone must handle his or her own problems and that if anyone couldnt, then he or she deserved the problems. I was a wicked little girl with a black secret. I had seduced a married man. No one would ever love me if they knew how bad I was. When I was five I sat under a cherry tree and in desperation asked God if he loved me. He answered my prayer with warmth and an assurance that made me believe. We became friends. We would talk and play. You might think it crazy God, the mighty Creator playing with a child but nothing will make me believe that it wasnt God. I would sing to him and he made all the trees rustle as if to applaud. I giggled and giggled. We played that way all summer. What joy God gave me. At church I kept hearing that God hates sin. I knew I was bad. Eventually, I felt compelled to the sad conclusion that God would not want me. I stopped talking to God. Ever since, my whole being has yearned to return to those wondrous times with God. If only Id realized that God felt the same way. At age seven I saw a pornographic magazine. All the photos featured just one man engaging in various acts with a harem of women. They were bad girls but unlike me they were beautiful and someone had even wanted to take photos of them. Maybe I could become like them and have some sort of future. I was so captivated that I stole the magazine. I hid it under my bed I would stare at it over and over. So this is what bad girls do, I told myself. And I knew I was bad. I yearned to be good. I wanted to be held and told I could be loved in spite of being bad. I would hide away, suck my thumb and curl 33

into a ball, crying for someone to love me. In my minds eye, someone came. He was kind, and didnt care if I was bad or good. He introduced himself as an imaginary friend. But he was the man in that magazine. There was no way I wanted a grown man acting towards me the way he did in those photos. Terrified, I rejected him and hastily burnt the porn.

On a warm summers day I slipped on my swimming suit and went outside to lose myself in the sun. I was twelve. To my acute embarrassment, I had been developing a womanly figure from an unusually early age, and I hated it. But I relaxed, enjoying the sun. In my minds eye, I saw a kind, sensitive man the imaginary friend I had seen after looking at the porn five years earlier. He said reassuring, flattering things that made me feel good about the body I hated. He was warm. He moved his hands over my body, caressing me and assuring me he was only imaginary. He guided my hand as I masturbated. It was the first time I had ever climaxed. The experience had somehow felt morally wrong. But it was only fantasy and what harm could there be in having an imaginary friend? Still, I felt unsure and rebuffed him. Deep down, however, I wondered if it would have been better to let him have his way. Knowing this, he merely stepped back and waited. Whenever I was lonely or hurting, I would seek him out. It was wonderful. I was safe with him. He said his name was Michael. He approved of me. He would come to me, whispering love in my ear and we would have sex. He introduced me to a couple of his friends with whom I chatted, but he alone was my lover. When I gave my life to Christ at aged thirteen, Michael was angry but silent. I told him my friendship with him was over. He left. But my relationship with God was rocky. The Lord started speaking to me about the abuse I had suffered as a tiny child. He told me I wasnt bad. I could talk to him, he said, and be healed of my pain. I didnt want to face reality, however, preferring to live in denial that the abuse had ever happened. I wanted God to ignore my deep inner wounds and act like a new imaginary friend living in a fantasy world. But God wanted reality. So I began to push him away. Lurking in the shadows of my mind had always been the haunting expectation that God would end up rejecting me. After all, God is 34

holy. I had never been able to rid myself of the conviction haunting me since age four that I was bad and that, except for a product of my imagination, no one knowing my dark secrets would want me. Eventually something happened that felt like God leaving me. I should have concluded that since God is always loving and forgiving and faithful my interpretation of that feeling had to be mistaken. Instead, I caved in to the devastating feeling and took it as confirmation of what I had always feared: God was too holy for me. With the fracturing of my relationship with God, my old imaginary friend eventually wormed his way back into my life. This time, however, Michael brought more male friends with him. They were fun. More friends meant less loneliness. They accepted me and didnt care about my black past. We would talk and laugh and share secrets. Later, I began again to give priority to God and I rejected all my imaginary friends. Eventually a tragedy hit me and life became unbearable. Desperately needing comfort and supposing that God had left me, I let Michael return. This time he brought still more of his friends with him. Over the years, I grew very close to them. We shared everything. With Michael, I now had eight imaginary friends. One of them was his sister, Marie. She was sassy, delightfully wicked and a dark horse. One day, Marie and I were alone. Her brother and friends were out and we were playing an imaginary game of dare. She dared me to kiss her. I laughed, assuming she was joking. She wasnt. I told her I was loyal to her brother. She smiled and told me to kiss her. She didnt want to be kissed on the lips, however; she wanted oral sex. We laughed and joked about it. But then she removed her clothes. Go on, she urged, its only your imagination. I did it. I thought it was fun. Together, we entered into a secret world of cheating on her brother, Michael. Eventually, I confessed to him. He only laughed, saying he loved me no matter what. He was actually pleased about it. My imaginary friends seemed to have a mind of their own. That made them interesting, though sometimes frustrating. For example, to my disappointment, Marie would always insist I take the male role with her, saying she was the one with the great body. They made me dependent on them, saying no one else would want me and promising never to leave me. If ever I didnt please them, however, they would threaten to leave. Nevertheless, consistent 35

with them being imaginary, I had certain powers over what they did. By a simple act of my will, for instance, I could change the color of their hair. It was harmless fun. They made me feel safe. They took my loneliness away. With them I was loved and wanted. They knew my dark secrets and yet accepted me. We had great sex as they captivated my imagination and guided my hand. It was only fantasy. Eventually, my dark secret that I was bad began to overwhelm me. I hated myself. Even with my imaginary friends, I was hurting and lonely. They were right: life in this world is awful and I was unlovable. They tried to comfort me, but I wanted them to be real. They were in another world; a fantasy world that I could join in death. All I had to do was to kill myself. They encouraged me not to die in vain. They said I should get revenge and hurt someone to release the fury and badness locked up inside. Terrified at the possibility of me actually doing what they were urging me to do, I realized I needed help. Just in time, I found help from a secular suicide hotline, and stayed alive. I knew my former friend, God, was the real answer, but he didnt want someone as depraved as me. He was too pure to love me like my imaginary friends did. So I leaned on my imaginary friends even more. Whenever I tried to pray, they would warn me with the deepest concern. God has hurt you so badly. Be careful. Surely I could trust their insight. After all, they were my friends. Nevertheless, my yearning for God refused to die. Certain that Jesus had rejected me, I tried Buddhism, desperately, though foolishly, hoping it might turn out to be a back door to God.

One day, searching the Internet, I found Net-burst.Net. I began to read and was captivated. Whoever wrote that website knew my secrets! He knew my fears, my pain, my yearnings. And he seemed to have answers! My spirit grabbed the pages. I read and read and read. Each page awakened things within me and I devoured it as if I would die if I didnt get it. It was such an intense experience. Each page jumped at me, screaming HOPE. I felt naked and clothed, debased and honored, understood and drawn. It had to be God.

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I asked my imaginary friends about Grantley, the author of those pages. They warned me that he was an evil man pretending to be good. I wondered how, if he were that bad, he could be so kind in his webpages and understand so completely. I consulted real-life friends, including a social worker in my church. They all warned me not to contact Grantley. Despite everything, I still felt drawn to Grantley. Finally, I e-mailed him, telling him how God had rejected me. Grantley showed me that God is faithful and that if it had seemed that God had rejected me, it was just an unpleasant illusion based on me mistakenly choosing to believe powerfully convincing feelings of rejection, rather than believing in the power of Gods love revealed in Christ. Keen to find out if Grantley was genuine, I asked if I could phone him. He provided his phone number, along with that of his ministry partner, Helen. As soon as I mentioned my imaginary friends, Helen became very worried and said they were demons. The notion was preposterous! What kind of people in the TwentyFirst Century believe in mediaeval folklore like that? What could be more harmless than fantasy? I reasoned. They have been my trusted friends and comforters most of my life. I need them. They protect me from emotional pain. I am safe with them. I can control them and shut them up when I need to. I can change certain features about them with my mind. Besides, they tell me that though I am a reject and a bad person they love me. They accept me and give me pity. Helen just doesnt understand! Grantley was disturbed by Helens outburst, worried that Id be offended. But despite it all, I began to wonder. Could demons really exist? Could my dear imaginary friends actually be demons? No, they loved me. They told me so. Although I seldom admitted it to myself, however, the truth was that I did not have full control over them. I also had to admit that living in a fantasy world did not ease the loneliness. And, come to think of it, whenever I prayed, they interrupted and chattered loudly to prevent me from continuing. They said it was to protect me. For years, something, cold, dark, and chillingly evil would sometimes appear before me, telling me to kill myself, or threatening that if I were to serve God it would kill my loved ones. On such occasions I would be petrified; my body frozen solid with fear and my mind reeling in horror. Since I couldnt believe in such mediaeval hogwash as demons, I concluded the experience was some sort of powerful, emotionally based hallucination. But whatever it was, I desperately needed protection from it. I needed someone with me 24 hours a day especially when asleep or 37

trying to sleep who would deliver me from these hallucinations. Michael did just that. I dismissed his effectiveness as some sort of mental trick on my part, whereby I used my imagination Michael to control my subconscious. Whatever was happening, however, it definitely worked: Michael would literally chase those terrifying hallucinations away. There was no way I wanted to face those harrowing experiences without the protection of my imaginary friend. If I didnt quite obey Michael, he would threaten to leave me. There were all kinds of threats to get me to submit. Each threat seemed a loving warning, but a threat, nonetheless. A particularly disturbing thought he played on was who would protect me from that dark spirit? I quickly obeyed. Grantley listened to me with what I knew was growing concern. He asked me to imagine what it would be like to have a boyfriend who paid a gang to harass me so that I would keep seeing this boyfriend as a desperately needed hero. That got me thinking. Could my imaginary friends be deceiving me? Could they be playing good cop, bad cop? Could they really be in league with the visitations that tormented me? Actually, I had known for a long while that Michaels sister, Marie was friends with that dark spirit that would threaten and terrify me. I hadnt bothered to think through the implications, because the practical reality is that Michael kept protecting me from those awful experiences. Then there was something else that scared me. One of my imaginary friends was a pedophile. What made that particularly disturbing was that although I had not thought of myself as a lesbian, one of them, Marie, was relentlessly luring me into that seamy world. Neither was I a murderer, but they had been enticing me to kill not just myself but to take other people with me. Moreover, every time I had pushed them out of my life they not only eventually returned but brought other friends with them. It was disturbingly like Jesus parable of the demon that left a person, only to later return with seven other demons more wicked that itself (Luke 11:24-26). They were definitely growing stronger and stronger, and seeking to make me increasingly depraved. What if they eventually succeeded in turning me into a pedophile? Could I end up like my abuser? I recoiled in terror at the thought. But demons? In me? Could any theory be more outlandish? I was still getting to know Helen but I knew she loved me. I studied Grantleys photo. He seemed to look sane, despite him believing in demons. Confused, I asked God for help. His reply was, Can you give up these imaginary friends? Can you choose God over them? I thought about it and to my dismay I discovered that, despite my yearning for God, I felt unable to give 38

up my imaginary friends for him. I admitted to Grantley that I was in trouble and he encouraged me to put God first. Steeling myself, I told the imaginary friends to leave, but they just mocked me, saying I couldnt really mean it. When they finally saw that I was serious, these friends got angry. They threatened to give me cancer and financially ruin me. I was terrified. They reminded me that I was a reject and that no one but them could ever love me. I told them God loved me. They angrily replied that they hated God. Why? I asked. Michael took me in his arms and kissed me. Dear lover, he said, God rejected you. He doesnt deserve your love. Have I ever left you? Deep inside I knew these God-haters must be demons. Fear gripped me.

Helen prayed with me to be delivered, and they backed away. Before long, I tried to interact with my imaginary friends as usual but this time, to my amazed concern, they would not come. If they were just imaginary, why could I no longer imagine them? Clearly they could not be products of my imagination. They must be demons! I panicked. What have I done? I wondered in horror, How could I have been so deceived? I was afraid. And I knew they would be back. When they returned, I rebuked them. Some left. The two main ones remained, along with some minor ones, but I felt the minor ones would leave if the main ones left. What I was facing was as traumatic as a divorce. I was facing losing my cherished friends, on whom I had been emotionally dependent for years, in order to trust a God I had thought had rejected me. Fearful of trying to survive without their comfort, I found myself on a wild emotional roller coaster; one moment usually after phoning Grantley sure I was doing the right thing by resisting them, and the next moment plummeting into fear and doubt, and again needing reassurance that it was worth what felt like the greatest of sacrifices.

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In the light of my experience, it seems to me an act of cruelty to leave anyone newly delivered from demons to cope alone with all the emotional consequences and spiritual battles. I suspect it would be most unusual for anyone to keep resisting letting the demons back in, without continual support from an understanding Christian for a minimum of three or more weeks. Thankfully, Grantley and Helen remained by my side to help me through this gut-wrenching time. I knew I could never be good enough in myself to be friends with the holy Lord. Grantley encouraged me, however, to dare to believe that the holy Son of God had swapped places with me on the cross, dying for my imperfections and in turn granting me his perfection. If that is really what Jesus achieved, then I could truly be a friend of God. So finally, in a leap of faith, I made up my mind to believe that, through Christ, God is really my friend. No matter what the cost of leaving my imaginary friends, I wanted God back in my life. Marie put up an ugly fight even using me to e-mail Grantley in her name an embarrassing, sexually explicit message. I managed to omit some things from the e-mail but I felt powerless to completely stop her. Despite it all, however, Grantley refused to give up on me. Angry at what she had done, I told Marie to leave. She left in a rage, along with a couple of the minor demons. Michael, the main demon, and a couple of hangers-on remained. Deciding to play on my emotions, Michael appeared to me. His heart was as ugly as vomit and in reality he probably had a body more hideous than a tapeworm, but of course thats not how that slimy lowlife chose to manifest himself. He chose for himself a beautiful mans body, and claimed to love me. How could I resist someone so exquisite who knew me and said he loved me? No matter how perverse and grotesque he was behind his stunningly beautiful mask, he was powerfully seductive. That devouring wolf in sensuous clothing began to fondle me, arousing me. I resisted, but weakly. I contacted Grantley. He reminded me that this demon had threatened me with cancer and financial ruin. What sort of the love was that? The demon, he said, had shown his true colors with his evil threats of cancer and financial ruin. He was neither harmless nor a friend. Alarmed, Michael apologized for his threats, saying he had only uttered them in anger and hadnt really meant it. His protests that he would never hurt me rang hollow. Grantley reminded me of Scripture speaking of those who return to their former ways as being like a dog returning to its vomit and they end up more depraved than ever (2 Peter 2:21-22). I certainly didnt want that. 40

Nevertheless, I remained enticed by the demons beauty and adoring words. I told Grantley I needed these friends. I begged God to understand that I was a reject and needed them. God, however, refused to see me as a reject. Michael kept returning and I kept resisting, though halfheartedly. At one point he tried to trigger within me feelings of helplessness by using the very words my childhood abuser had repeatedly used to fill me with fear and guilt and had convinced me when I was little that resistance was useless. Grantley pointed out that it was no coincidence that the demon was acting just like that abuser. He said this demon could well have been the very spiritual power that had driven that heartless child molester to afflict me sexually and emotionally. Though it took enormous effort, I kept refusing to surrender to Michaels seduction. But he kept returning. Although I had so far refused him, I was hesitant about losing him forever. Part of me wanted to keep my options open, just in case my relationship with God did not work out, or life without my imaginary friends proved unbearable. Encouraged by me wanting to keep him as an if-allelse fails last resort, Michaels gleefully persisted with his visits; arrogantly acting convinced that he would eventually wear me down. My torturous battle to keep resisting seemed never-ending. I asked God for help. He led me to a webpage of Grantleys about renouncing the pleasures of sin. As I read it, a light switched on, illuminating my soul. I had been addicted to the pleasures these evil friends brought me. I had been hoodwinked into not seeing that the pleasure they offered was dangerous, isolating and cruel. Michael appeared again. That despicable parasite seemed tall and handsome with beautiful skin and a perfect body. He removed his shirt and smiled. No! I said, but not very strongly. He knew what makes me happy. He moved closer. Part of me wanted to resist but his words were sweet, seductive, familiar and soft honey flavored cyanide. He tried to kiss me. No! I said. He stopped, and smiled. I reached for the phone to call Grantley. Michael laughed gently. Youll wake him, he said. That isnt necessary. We dont have to tell. A little lie wont hurt. But I had promised Grantley I would keep nothing from him. I am not lying to Grantley! I told Michael. He will know, and God will know. Im no demonic, he gently mocked. Its just your natural passions. God understands. I resisted and called on Jesus, but as I 41

did, Michael, using all his seduction skill, began fondling me. He wont stop, I told myself, and I cant stop him. Fear swept through me. I couldnt stop being molested as a child and I cant stop this. Then I remembered Grantley saying that because of Christ the demons had no power over me. Their apparent power to control me was just an illusion. This is silly! I told myself, I can stop an illusion. Michael reached out to grope me. I was tempted but I resisted. He tried again, but another word came to me that Grantley had used about sexual pleasure outside of marriage: promiscuity. I grew so angry with Grantley, with me, with God, and with Michael. I wanted to yield. I wanted that pleasure, but not being clean, and not being free, was a high price to pay for a little pleasure a little deadly pleasure. Michael backed away as Gods presence came to me. You must be faithful to me, said the Lord, You cant have two lovers. Are you going to be promiscuous? I hated that word. I didnt want to be promiscuous, but I did want sexual pleasure. Michael was soft and sensual. Just a little . . . I told myself, but I know I wouldnt stop with just a little. A war raged within me. God was telling me to stay faithful, and Michael was doing his utmost to seduce. I craved the poisonous pleasure he offered. I wanted God to just look the other way. I remembered Grantley reminding me about the Jews wandering forty years in the wilderness because they missed Gods window of opportunity. Grantley was right. But no matter how much a depraved deceiver Michael was, his hands were warm and seductive. Reluctantly, I rebuked Michael. I was certainly no superstar. My rebuke was in sheer obedience to God; not what my heart longed for. I really wanted to sin. Reject me and youll never again have sex, said Michael in anger, No one will want you. Grantley is a fool and dreamer to say you can do better than me. I quickly left the room and e-mailed Grantley, telling him everything. If I have one strong point it is that I am faithful to my friends and I was determined to be faithful to God. In my e-mail I said: It hurt me to say no to the pleasure I craved. But it isnt about getting what I want. It isnt about sex. It isnt about me. It is about putting Jesus first and submitting to his will, even if it is painful, frustrating and denies me what I want. It is about trusting God and letting him be God. I have made a commitment. I want God. If, by doing things in private with my imaginary friend, I am acting promiscuous, how can I 42

be free in Jesus? I dont want to be promiscuous with Gods love. I again pondered Grantleys webpage about renouncing sins pleasure. No matter how friendly those demons had pretended to be, they were deadly. They had earlier made me suicidal, while pretending to offer comfort, and had almost driven me to suicide. I had been lied to and robbed of so much. No pleasure was worth this. It was so much better never to have the pleasure they offer than let them rob me of my dignity and my walk with God. As I realized what evil impostors they were, my anger grew and when Michael again appeared I commanded him in Jesus name to leave. This was powerfully effective because I was no longer inwardly implying, not this time. I meant I never wanted him again, no matter how much pleasure he offered. My mind was made up and he knew it. I was free. Shortly afterwards, craving the sexual pleasure I had always given myself and had shared with these demons, I phoned Grantley. I desperately tried to convince him that it was alright for me to continue my former habit of masturbation, but without involving the demons. Grantley was kind, but immovable. Finally, I agreed that he was right, even though at the time giving up masturbation felt like a devastating loss. My life turned around. I soon found I didnt need those lying friends. I reveled in the knowledge that God had forgiven me and cleansed me. He loved me and comforted me. I could talk to my Lord and love him. I had answers to tormenting questions. With the demons gone and my determination to cling to Gods truth, they could no longer get away with whispering their disturbingly convincing lies that I was a reject and dependent on them. I didnt get cancer. In fact, the Lord soon gave me the courage to see a doctor about a lump that for five years I had been too terrified to have examined. The lump was medically proven to be harmless. And not only did I not see financial ruin, my finances were quickly rescued by a dear friend. I am empowered financially, emotionally and spiritually. For most of my life I had been pressured to see myself as a lesbian, when I was simply apprehensive about men, and mistakenly felt rejected by them all. To my surprise, I soon discovered that I am more feminine and lovable than I had dared dream. Even the thought of marriage and marital relations have begun to seem not only no longer terrifying but warmly inviting. Despite the cruel deception, Ive found to my delight that Im strongly heterosexual. I have my dignity back. Im not dependent on demons for 43

company. I have the God of all creation as my dearest friend. For the first time in my life, I actually feel free and lovable and understood. My imaginary friends took on the form of people I had met. Other people have shared experiences with me that indicate their demons took the form of people who have died, or fictional characters from books or movies. Regardless of the form they hide behind, however, they are creeps who exploit and accentuate our weaknesses and prey on raw emotion. They delight in breeding within their victims such self-destructive passions as anger, bitterness lust, fear, and pain, because these are the very things they feed on. Id felt sure that if I got rid of those demons, Id be doomed to a lifetime of loneliness and sexual frustration. Soon after ruthlessly burning my bridges by sending the demons packing, however, I found more love and companionship than I had ever known. In fact, in lightning speed a very special Christian man fell in love with me; irreparably shattering my long-held belief that I am unlovable. We expect to marry. I cannot guarantee that this will happen to everyone who gives up demons! Nevertheless, those demons were like drugs that make a person become withdrawn and then the drugs become insidiously addictive because they seem the only way to dull the pain of isolation those very drugs cause. What had seemed to ease the loneliness was actually perpetuating it. Moreover, the greatest source of love in the universe is companionship with God himself, and I can certainly guarantee that to everyone who gives up demons through the power of Christ.

Not long after being freed from the demons, I became deeply upset over something. It turned out to be minor, but at the time it seemed huge. In that vulnerable moment of distress, and longing for comfort, Michael returned, promising comfort that he claimed he alone could offer. Terrified, I ran to my room and hid under a blanket. Sobbing, I prayed, Please, God, dont let go me go back to those demons. The Lord comforted me and told me to rebuke the demon. I was scared but I stood up. I wiped my eyes, put on my bravest face, and shouted, In Jesus name, leave me alone! To my surprised delight, Michael, who had been the head demon, ran away. Yes! He ran from me. The Lord was pleased and I was 44

thrilled. A couple of weeks later, after a terrifyingly real and distressing flashback of childhood abuse, Marie appeared to me, hoping to seduce me. I didnt even find her tempting. I rebuked her in Jesus name and she left. With Michael gone, however, I had a nagging fear about the possible return of the terrifying dark spirit that Michael, used to protect me from. My apprehension continued nightly, despite the spirit never returning. One day, when praying about this, I suddenly realized that although Michael, my protector had been so powerful that he would command the dark spirit to leave, God had empowered me to command Michael to leave. Power over demons belongs to every Christian but the Lord had graciously allowed me to prove this glorious truth for myself. Michael had indeed left at my command. If Michael was stronger than that scary spirit, and through Christ I could send Michael packing, imagine what I could do to that lesser spirit! What an exhilarating revelation! My attitude now is that it would make my day for that scary spirit to return and try to intimidate me. Through Jesus Id send him fleeing. Im not the slightest surprised that occasionally the demons return to test me. I recall Jesus parable of the demon forced out of someone he had lived in. After a while the demon returned to check out his previous residence in the hope of once again setting up home (Luke 11:24-26). This suggests that after being forcibly evicted from anyone, evil spirits are likely to occasionally check back with their former host to see if they are still barred from entry. We can expect them to employ attempted seduction or intimidation to test our defenses. As with any attack or temptation, attempted re-entries are unpleasant. Just as it is normal for good Christians to be tempted, however, demonic attacks are normal. We Christians wrestle against spiritual entities (Ephesians 6:12), stated Paul, in a matter of fact way. It is only if a person surrenders to the attacks that there is a need for repentance. They will be unable to gain entry while we remain vigilant. If we keep resisting, the demons will slink away, in the hope of finding easier targets elsewhere.

So dramatic is my transformation that, just a few weeks after being delivered, I can barely comprehend I was once the person Ive described. I look back appalled at how deluded I was and in what spiritual and physical danger I had been. This compels me to 45

forgive my childhood abuser and to yearn for his salvation. How could I do otherwise, knowing that my own delusion and torment must be similar to his own, and that his suffering has lasted much longer than mine? Ive heard that he is ill and has turned very savage in prison. I make no excuses for myself. To try to justify myself would be to denigrate the fact that Jesus died so that all of us could be justified. Nevertheless, it is a fact that I, like many abuse survivors, had been cruelly and very literally brainwashed into seeing myself as unacceptable to a holy God and to shrink from him in shame. Such was my longing for God that, in addition to regular personal devotions, over the years I had attained far above average formal Bible training and theological education. This training, however, was unable to undo the devastating effect of my previous brainwashing. Right up until recently I would regularly have nightmares that would end with me shouting in my sleep over and over, I am bad, I am bad, I am bad the very words that child molester had forced me to use from the most impressionable and tender age of four. Certainly, the demons greatly contributed to my delusion and confusion. Nevertheless, I had opened the door by letting my strong guilt feelings block out my awareness of the unlimited forgiving power of Christs sacrifice. I had added to this by rejecting Gods loving attempts to heal the pain and shame I felt due to my abuse. Preferring to live in denial, I had pushed the God of truth away and then fooled myself into thinking it was God, not me driven by fear and guilt, who had done the rejecting. At one point I even mistakenly expected God to be like my abuser. From my abusers actions I had wrongly concluded that love equals sexual exploitation and that if God loved me he would force himself on me and want a sexual relationship. So, although I recoiled at the thought, I expected God to want to prove his love for me sexually and I mistakenly interpreted his refusal to do so as rejection. Now that I have learned to trust Gods love and invite him into the darkest corners of my life and memories, I keep experiencing healing after healing. For example, as is common among abuse survivors, I often used to masturbate while fantasizing about things so terrifying and disgusting that I actually vomited in revulsion when Grantley coaxed me to talk about it. Despite my mind telling me that God is already aware of everything, I didnt want even God to know about these fantasies. Upon admitting them to God, shame lifted, like the sun evaporating a fog, and I enjoyed Gods warm acceptance on an even deeper level than I had ever known. 46

How much comfort and healing I had missed because I mistakenly thought that God could not be trusted to love and forgive someone like me! Im determined to make up for lost time by plunging fully into God, no matter how scary it might sometimes seem, and God keeps proving himself worthy of this trust and rewards me over and over with beautiful healings and affirmations. I have peace like never before. My nightmares, sleepwalking and panic attacks have gone. God is real. His love is genuine. He always wants to do me good me who had been certain I was hopeless, and too perverse to ever be accepted by God. He never puts me down. He never wants me to think of myself as bad or unlovable or a reject. Instead, he calls me his trusted daughter; his pure and holy princess. He continually liberates me and empowers me. In him I have a true friend. Besides all this, I am now enjoying the indescribable fulfillment of seeing other people set free, as God empowers me to love and support dear people e-mailing me who have been tricked by demons. I know from bitter experience that there is no one so vulnerable to demonic deception as someone who does not believe demons could deceive him/her.

Christine still fights demons. We all do. They come in the form of temptation, accusations, and so on. For one such experience Christine had several months after writing the above, see Tempted, Condemned, Put Down: The Hidden Reason for Our Doubts.

Essential Reading Our Authority Over Demons: Spiritual Warfare: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory Further Help When Harassed by Demons: The Secret to Casting Out Demons The Page that Helped Christine: Attacking Sins Pleasure Letting Christ be our First Love: 47

You Can Find Love The webpage you have been reading belongs to a series of free webpages devoted to the full recovery of survivors (male and female) of all forms of sexual interference. See Comfort, Understanding and Healing for Abuse Survivors for an overview and links to the other critically important pages. Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net ALSO, COMMENTS ON THE ABOVE PAGE ARE SOUGHT If you mention Christine, she can be involved

Not to be sold. Copyright 2006, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. E-mail Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net http://www.net-burst.net/christian-help/multiple-personalities.htm Leading an Alter to Christ Jake, a Christian with multiple personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder) Instant Messaged Sharon, another Christian who also has multiple personalities. One of Sharons alters, a strong one called Rose, decided to overpower Sharon and keep her suppressed indefinitely. Unlike some of Sharons other alters, Rose had not yet given her life to the Lord. Another of Sharons alters is called Ashamed. We were unaware of her until Jake learned of her in the dialog that appears below. Ive slightly touched up the grammar below, but changes are minimal. The text is color-coded. Blue for

Net-Burst.Net

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boys (Jake). Pink for girls (Sharons alters). Jake and Sharon are members of an Internet group Ive established for Christians with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Grantley Morris

Resources For Dissociative Identity Disorder

Sharon, are you on? No. Is that Rose? Yes. I saw you the other night in my spirit screaming. I was praying hard for you. I care about you, and what happens to you. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time, and Sharon also. Sharon has a new alter. Her name is Ashamed. She has been beating me up. Im sorry. Will she talk to me? I thought I told everyone I was in charge. Okay. You are; so will you let her talk to me? Is that better? Im not in charge. She keeps beating me up. She is hurting so deeply right now and taking it out on you. I feel for her hurt, and yours also. I really dont like for people to see me this way. Net-Burst.Net That is okay. You should have seen me the other day. Or this last two years. It was bad at times. Every one inside beating every one else up. Now most of them are friends. I really want to cut Sharon right now. That only prolongs your pain and causes retaliation from the others inside also. It will make things much Resources For 49

Christian Help For Multiple Personalities

Multiple Personality Disorder

worse. I want to cut her deep and watch her bleed. I will stay here with you if you want until you are safe. If I was there I would cry with you for your pain. I wish I could take the deep pain from you, yet only Jesus can do that for you. What did Sharon do that makes you want to hurt her so much? I want to end the pain. I want to die. I would miss you, Sharon, her other alters, and the new alter that I am eager to meet.

Christian Help For D.I.D.

I went to see Sharons therapist tonight with her husband. He (her therapist) kept talking like I wasnt in the room. That must have felt like you were unimportant to them. You are important, and you have a voice and it should, and deserves to be heard. I wrote him a note and handed it to him before our session. I said: Sharon is not here right now. If you squeal on me, I wont let her come back. While her husband was out of the room, I looked at him and asked him why he was talking about me like I wasnt in the room. He then spoke directly to me. Ive never spoken to a person using Sharons voice before; not to where they knew it was me talking. He wasnt mean or anything, it just made me mad. Everything makes me mad right now. I am also feeling mad about everything!!!! Everything hurts so deeply. It is like no one can understand that pain. Correct? Yes. And even you wonder where it is all coming from?

Net-Burst.Net

Resources For M.P.D

Who knows? Jesus knows. Today I had that happen to me. I know what you feel like, and what that kind of pain is like. Jake, I dont love Jesus. Quite frankly, I dont even like him.

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That is okay. You can tell him, he will listen. He will not hurt you. Im holding Sharon hostage until things quit hurting. Christian Help For D.I.D. He loves you so much that when I was praying for you and did not even know about the email that was sent until a few minutes ago; he showed me to pray for you, Rose, specifically and that you were hurting and screaming in pain. This was this afternoon or this morning I do not recall the time. You are important to me. Ive been screaming in pain all along. It has just gotten to the point that I cant take it anymore. Locking Sharon out will only increase your pain. She cant take this pain, though. So she is better off in my prison. Can I tell you about Seth, an alter of mine that was in horrible pain and found freedom from the pain? Net-Burst.Net Go for it. Okay. I will post it here in his own words. I need a minute, okay? Please do not go away! Okay. Meanwhile, I have to have a cut. [Jake then quoted all of An Insiders Testimony which is about one of Jakes alters.] Resources For Multiple Personalities Alters can really feel like dying, but in truth we want to live. We want our host to live, or we would not have carried the pain. Jesus wants us to live or he would not have died and carried our pain. He loves me and his love is so gentle and tender. Why should I carry that pain when he already died for it? I like being free from pain! Father God, Come down with your healing touch and touch Rose whom you dearly love. We know you love alters and we thank you for that. You do not cast us away. May Rose know this with deep assurance. Daddy, comfort them and keep them. Make your face shine upon them. Be their true Counselor and Healer. Minister to them in ways that only you are able. Please take their fear 51

Christian Help For

Dissociative Identity Disorder

away and let them see that your love is truly and utterly amazing. We love you, Daddy. In Jesus we come. Rose I believe that what you are feeling is fear fear of Jesus, and fear of God that makes you afraid of rejection. He did not reject me covered in filth, and ugliness. Instead he cleaned me, and took my pain away. He touched my heart. Blew his love over the top of me. He says I see you cast away in your own blood; naked, ashamed, fearful, cold and trembling. It is easier to not come in case you will again be rejected. Jesus says; I have loved you with an everlasting love. A love that will never end; that will not seek its own but will only seek the good on the one that is loved so much that I did die for you and your pain. I will carry your pain. Yet, unlike those who want to or did try to control you, I will not. I let you make your own choice. Jesus says, I desire to give you the best gown, and a royal crown. I will crown you even in the same righteousness that I have. Yet I cannot, nor will I ever go against your will in this. I love you too much for that. Jesus says, Do you want me to help you, to heal the deep pain in your heart? Do you want to run free even now so that you no longer long for death as an escape? You must come to the cross where all was paid for. I paid for your freedom, yet unlike abusers I will not force it on you. My eyes weep for you! Will you let me help? Love, Jesus. Beautiful story. Youll hate me. Not at all. My heart has a giant lock on it. Would you like the lock to come off so you can be free? It must be heavy, and burdensome. I cant move anymore because of it. It crushes me. That is very tiresome. But you dont have to carry it any more.

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The alter Ashamed says I do. If a best friend of yours comes, someone you love; and they had such a heavy burden they could not carry it, would you help them get rid of the heavy burden? I would try. That is what Jesus wants to help you with. Yet he not only tries, he does if you allow him to. Shame is soooo very heavy to carry. Jesus wants to give Ashamed a new name. And remove the guilt and shame feelings, and change them into beauty. I wish I had the strength and power to do so, yet I am only human and I am unable just as you are also unable to carry such a heavy load. You were meant for much greater things. To fly free. I love you guys and wish I could lift it off. I will help carry you in prayer. Jake, youre wasting your time. Rose is not allowed to have freedom. Who stops her from having freedom? I do. Is this the one that calls herself Ashamed? She and all of Sharon should be ashamed of themselves. Would you like to tell me why? Because they are filthy rags. I will not reject you. All the dirty things they have done and have had done to them. They are black with dirt. I thought the same of me. I know. Ive read your story. [The Christian who kept doing all he could to force God to reject him] I have done terrible things that I regret yet the feelings of shame Jesus took because he paid for them. Then those rags he took and cast into the sea, never to remember any more of them. Would you like him to take your rags and give you a clean gown that is never 53

soiled by the stain of sin, or what others have done against you? He weeps for you, and longs to do this for you, yet he is unlike those who have harmed you, so he will never force this on you. He loves you too much to do that. My mind is playing tricks on me. How so? I see this Jesus in his white robe kneeling down next to me with his hands extended out towards me. In his hands is a pure white robe. He has a crown of thorns. On his head? Yes. This is not a trick. It is a gift that he longs to give you. This is a vision from him. It is real! Im not supposed to have visions. I was not supposed to, either. Yet God had different plans. He broke the box that I put him in and showed me who he truly was. Im supposed to be filled with shame to the point that I make others feel ashamed. I am not ashamed of you, and Jesus is not ashamed of you. Whether it be false guilt or real guilt, Jesus carried that guilt on the cross. This is all confusing. I will pray for you now. I wish you wouldnt pray. I dont deserve this. But Jake was already sending his prayer. Jesus, I ask that you would blow all the confusion away from this dear ones mind. I pray that whatever is hindering her, you would remove it now, so that she may be free to know your love and grace in all its fullness. In Jesus name, amen. You, my dear friend, are like me.

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How? We do not deserve it, that is true. Yet it is freely given out of love. He longs to do this for you. You must see the thorns on his head? I do. This was done for you. He paid the penalty that you and I deserved because he just wants to bring freedom, and a robe (gown) of righteousness so that you can be his daughter, and he will be your true father, friend, savior one that will never hurt nor harm you in purity, and truth. He wants to name you Pure. That means clean and innocent. He made you for this. He made you for honor, and dignity. Why is it that Im believing everything youre saying? Just say, Yes, Jesus, I take the gown of righteousness and I give to you my rags. I know you died for me, and paid for my shame. I let go of the rags now. I let go of my shame that has bound me, and receive your purity that you made me for. Thank you Jesus. I believe all of this. Every word. Then receive the gown. Let him take the rags. Tell him so. He just did. He also removed the lock from Roses heart. He took the lock that was so heavy to carry? Praise Jesus! The robe just turned red. Yes. That was his blood that covers you, and cleanses you. Your sin, and shame was paid for with it. I need him to do the same thing for me that he did for you. What is that? He has done many things for me. His cleansing. Ask him to show you that you have been cleansed. Let him know that you need to see, even though you know 55

it in your head. Let it go to your heart as his Spirit opens your eyes to this truth. Ive never felt this way. How so? Hes holding me like a newborn. Like the most tender mother he is. Ive never felt such tenderness. Praise you, Jesus! Praise you! Thank you! Is this for real? Very much so. I feel a tinge of excitement. Ive never known that before. Is it like every cell of your being has been given life? Its like Im floating. And safe. Yes, safe. Never before have I felt that. I have never been able to cry. I am now. Yet your heart has longed for it, seemingly forever. Yes. Is this what it feels like to have a parent? Yes, a good, loving one that longs to just hold you, and care for you. Who cries for you when you hurt. Who is good to you as a parent should be. One who has never known sin. And desires your growth and believes in you. Your Papa believes in you. Nobody has ever believed in me before. I have a Papa? Yep. The best. You have now come home. He was just waiting. My Papa has arms of steel, yet to me they are tenderness. Ive always wanted a Papa. Will you still be my friend? Oh, most definitely. You are more than that. You are 56

my sister. I have a brother??? Me. No kidding??? No kidding!!! Im overwhelmed. That is good I presume? Yes. You are just enjoying his presence? Yes. Ive never known the calmness and peace. What about Rose? I was beating her up. Tell her how sorry you are. Tell her that you love her. Tell her about what Jesus did for you. Jesus is with both of us. That is amazing. Im so glad he is with me. Ive never had anyone with me before. And he will never leave. He promised. Did he just tell you that? He wrote it for you in the Bible. It says, I will never leave you, nor forsake you. Sharon can help you understand that and read to you from the words that he wrote. Jake, this is Rose. Hi, Rose. Never mind. Its okay. You have a voice and a right to speak. I will listen. You are important. How are you Rose? Is the lock off your heart also?

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I feel better. Im glad! I dont have a lock. Oh good! It is gone. I am still in charge of Sharon. Okay. Did you see Jesus also? No, where was he? He came and held Pure. Who is Pure? The one that used to call herself Ashamed. Jesus changed her name, and cleaned the shame from her. She is a sister of our alter, Eagle, who used to be called Guilt. When you read this IM over you will see what happened. I believe in you, Rose. Why? You shouldnt believe in me. Ive made a mess of things for Sharon. That may be true; but you have been made for great things. You just have not realized it yet. You are worth it, and of great value, and deserve dignity and honor. You were made for great things, such as life, and love. I was made to carry Sharons pain. Would you like to get rid of your pain? Who wouldnt? Thats true. I know someone who wants to carry it for you. He is an alters alter. You have been made to carry Sharons pain. He comes now to carry your pain, like you did for Sharon. You enabled Sharon to live; now he wants to enable you to live in honor and dignity. He desires to honor you, and lift that heavy burden off your shoulders. Jake look, I dont want to be mean to you. But Im 58

not willing to give up control here. Sharon is lost right now. People are running all over her. That is why I am taking charge. I understand. You have much strength. And have been, and are of great value to Sharon. I admire you. Yeah, so much strength that I want to kill myself. That is because you have now come to your human limit. He wants to now give to you his strength and free you from that heavy load. You will not disappear, yet you will gain peace. Im still not relinquishing control. He is asking permission to remove this heavy load from you. Jesus wants to take this and carry it for you. I wish I could do this for you, but like you, my strength is limited. He wants to give you his strength. Jake, my head hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. Ill have to talk to you some other time about this. Please dont hate me. Im just wimped out. Im sorry for offending everybody. You have not offended. You are loved and prayed for, as a dear sister. Okay. We will talk again when you feel better if you want to. I gotta go. Id like that. Goodnight. Goodnight. The next day, while conversing with a womans alter, Rose gave her life to Jesus Christ. Rose then released Sharon, who had to read the above and speak to Rose to catch up on what had happened.

Related Pages For much more insight and help, see: Christian Resources: Index of Help for Dissociative

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Identity Disorder Personalized support Grantley Morris: healing@net-burst.net

2008, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. http://www.net-burst.net/counselor-therapist/demon-possessed-pedophilealter.htm Healing a Demon Possessed Pedophile Alter How to Help & Cure A Sexually Abusive Demonized Insider Multiple Personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder)

Essential Introduction What would be your worst nightmare: to discover that hidden within is a part of you that is demon possessed literally enslaved by a demon or to discover that part of you is a pedophile, terrorizing and sexually abusing other parts of you? The good news is that both conditions are easily healed. This webpage features a Christ-loving woman with Multiple Personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder) who had a part Net-Burst.Net of her (an alter) who loved raping other alters and was controlled by a demon. The account is neither dramatized nor toned down but is the actual record of exchanges between the therapist and alter that resulted in healing. Besides name changes and minor grammatical corrections (the most common being capitalization of the beginning of sentences and of I) and occasionally abridging the hosts messages and those of other group members, this is a blow by blow 60

account. If ever you meet a Christian with what seems to be a repulsive, crudely offensive, sexually abusive, hateful, demonized alter, you need to know that underneath that faade is a beautiful, deeply hurting, desperately lonely person who will transform amazingly quickly into a wonderful friend. All that is needed for this nearly unbelievable change is for the alter to be shown a little patience, gentleness and kindness. This webpage provides a highly encouraging, real life example. You can do similarly in the lives of other alters, and with similar success. The webpage also helps identify the difference between alters and demons and demonstrates how to deal with demons while showing gentleness to alters. Before moving to the e-mail exchanges I should briefly explain how someone essentially nice can seem so vile. When reality is almost intolerable for an abused person, there is enormous pressure to escape by imagining oneself to be someone or something that is not subject to abuse. I know one man who had an alter who believed he was a teddy bear. Net-Burst.Net Another of my dear friends had an alter who got close to believing she was a dog, and certainly acted like one at times; eating dog food, drinking the dogs water and so on. In her family, children were abused but dogs were not. In their desperation to find someone they can imagine themselves to be who does not get abused, alters sometimes either assume the full identity of their abuser or, more commonly, incorporate into their self-image certain features of the abusers personality. This is often deliberately or unintentionally encouraged by the abuser. Alters who take on the full identity of someone they know are called introject alters. I have a webpage of similar format to this one of a woman with an alter who believed she was her abusive father. (Therapy / Help for Abusive Introject Alters / Insiders: How to Cure / Stop Bad Alters) Obviously, until beginning to heal, such an alter could be expected to manifest many of the despicable qualities present in her father. This current webpage features a male alter of another woman. This alter came close to being an introject but still believed he was separate from his abusive father but thought he was controlled by the absent father. This controlling influence turned out to be a demon. Like the woman with the introject alter, this woman is a member of the Internet Group Therapy group I established for people with D.I.D. Group members remain entirely 61

anonymous to each other. They even have their e-mail addresses suppressed and all communication is strictly confidential. It is only with the hosts and alters kind and full permission that I have compiled this webpage. Except for a very few private e-mails (sent direct to me without going through the Group), which are also included below, all Net-Burst.Net exchanges took place in the Internet Group Therapy environment, which means that all group members could read all the exchanges, though no one was under any obligation to do so. Swearing and crude language almost literally sickens me. I believe it accurate to say that I have never sworn in my life, but that makes me no better than anyone else. The alter featured in this webpage used offensive language and sexual references that will be upsetting to many adult readers (and quite unsuitable for anyone younger) but this was an integral part of who he was at that time and I originally thought that to remove it would involve such extensive tampering as to lose the whole impact of this webpage being a genuine, real life example of ministry to an alter and of what the love of Christ achieves in the lives of alters. Certainly for me, the removal of foul language lessens the emotional impact and yet for people like FF (the abbreviated name of one alter quoted below) it is normal language and was not intended to affect the reader like it did me. Nevertheless, I have tried removing it and it seems to work fairly well. Instead of an objectionable word I have placed *#!%@ and where necessary I have placed in square brackets a mild explanation of the meaning. The symbols for a foul word ( *#!%@ ) fall away in FFs writings solely because he was cleaning up his own language. If you discover a word I did not run through Find and Replace, please let them know it was my final revision and given its length, I havent had time to recheck it. Net-Burst.Net Should anyone be surprised if a sadistic, demonically-driven abuser of little children used offensive language? Wouldnt children brought up by such a father inevitably adopt such language as normal? Until they begin to heal, child alters are limited in their experience not only to what they had as children, but to only a portion of even that. I felt sickened by this alters early e-mails but not nearly as sickened as the Holy Lord must feel by the moral corruption of even the most innocent of us. Nevertheless, the final outcome of this e-mail exchange is heartwarming, encouraging and glorifying to God. In order to save lives, medics and emergency workers 62

attending car wrecks must expose themselves to ghastly sights and sounds that average people would try hard to avoid. This webpage is for people who, either through compassion or unavoidable circumstances, find themselves in a similar situation to those attending car wrecks, only in this instance the horrors are caused by sexual abuse. Just as a surgeons training must include exposure to blood and repulsive sights before he can be considered ready to operate alone, so adequate training to help abusive alters must include exposure to the unpleasant. If you cannot bear to read offensive remarks when they are not directed personally at you and when the persons well-being does not depend upon your response, thats fine, but you are obviously not ready to minister to such alters. Net-Burst.Net The alter (who allowed me call him FF rather than the crude name he used for himself) had some evil ways, an atrocious attitude and bad habits, but none of these implied that he had a demon. Even feeling a strong need to sexually molest/rape others and his confusion over the morality of such behavior could have been the result of a human abuser and his reaction to that abuse. This is proved by the fact that as you read below you will see him transformed first by the divinely inspired unconditional love he received and then because of his spiritual encounter with Jesus. Only later was he delivered from the demon. It is not my desire to mess with anyones theology. I seek merely to record what happened. Everyone encountering Dissociative Identity Disorder must be extremely cautious before concluding that a demon is involved. In theory, another of this dear womans alters could have believed he was his abusive father and acted out that belief by forcing FF to sin. Mistaking an alter for a demon will cause immense harm because an alter cannot be cast out but can be so deeply wounded by being treated as a demon that the alter goes into deep hiding, thus preventing that important part of the person from healing. Im still learning, and I took a significant risk in concluding as quickly as I did that a demon was oppressing FF. I was strongly influenced by FF saying that this oppressive personality was inside of him but I think I should have been more cautious and questioned both FF and the demon to Net-Burst.Net further confirm my suspicions. It was safe to declare to whatever was oppressing FF that FF belongs to Jesus and that Jesus is all-powerful. All alters need to know such things. To go further, however, and wrongly imply that an alter is a demon could easily cause that alter to believe the lie that he 63

is beyond Jesus help and can never change. This could be a huge setback. No matter how sincere the attempt to help, it would have resulted in great harm. At first thought, the possibility of a demon sending an e-mail seems so bizarre as to be almost unbelievable. Lets look briefly at what the Bible reveals about demons, however. It is not hard to imagine demons moving a persons body in rudimental ways and the Bible confirms that this happens (examples) but Scripture goes way beyond that. It repeatedly cites instances of demons using someones tongue, mouth and vocal chords not merely to grunt or scream but to speak intelligently through people and even hold conversations with other people (biblical examples). To access and use someones intellect and fine motor skills so completely as to hold spoken conversations in that persons language with a third party requires no less ability than typing on a computer. Incidentally, for centuries certain occult practices have involved automatic writing, whereby demons use a persons hand to write messages. I have kept track of dates for you. Exchanges started on February 20th, 2011. To make it even easier for you, Ive called that Day 1. This will give you a clear understanding of the passage of time. The alter was able to contact me at any time but often chose not to, even though the host and her Net-Burst.Net other alters wrote more frequently. For example, the alter met Jesus for the first time on Day 16 but had communicated with me on only nine of those days. A week later he was free from the demon, but wrote to me only three of those days. The links cited in the text below are important but the webpage is already long, so if you prefer to read the links later, they are listed for your convenience at the end of the webpage. If you visit them while reading the body of the webpage, you can return to this webpage by clicking the back arrow near the top of your web browser. Finally, let me introduce the participants. Although anyone in the Therapy Group could have contributed to exchanges, the vast majority chose not to. There is some color coding in this webpage and the colors chosen are used in the next few paragraphs in the description of the participants. So that you do not have to remember the colors, however, at the top of each message, the authors name appears. FF is the main alter featured. Later he changed his name but the same color is used because he is the same person, though totally transformed by Christ. 64

Anne is FFs host. The same color is used for the rare times that other alters of hers are quoted. Im Grantley. I own this website and have written many hundreds of major Christian-based webpages, all of which are available without charge. Anyone can emulate what I did in Net-Burst.Net helping this alter. It simply takes devotion to Christ and the humility, compassion, patience, gentleness, kindness, faith and faithfulness that the Spirit gives. Obviously, experience is a huge help but reading my webpages will give you the benefit of that experience. Other members of the group who wrote to FF are in this color. Christy is well advanced in her healing journey. She has over fifty alters. Jenny is a protector alter who was formed at age 22. Blessing and Friend are alters formed at age three. Christy used to be oppressed by demons and God taught Blessing spiritual warfare to such an extent that early on she used to protect even Jenny from demonic attack. Friend has an amazing ability to access memories stored by her sister alters and is often called up by other alters to help compile information. Mary had a harsh mother. When she was young her father gave her the only tender kindness she knew but that attention was associated with sexual abuse. I think it was because her mother discovered his abuse that her father left them while Mary was still young. As a consequence, before the Lord used me to help them, Mary had some alters who hated sexual abuse but some who craved it. Megan is one of her alters who used to crave it. Ian is a pastor. He does not have D.I.D. With the groups permission anyone could have vetoed it he recently joined the group to learn more about how to minister to people with D.I.D. Helen, too, does not have D.I.D. but has kindly and effectively acted as my ministry partner for many years. She is in the group solely to offer counseling support. The demons words appear in bold black. This gray is used when citing part of the e-mail that is being replied to. Now with the introductions out of the way, lets commence the actual exchanges, with just one last warning: the language and topics are offensive and quite likely to be triggering. If you are serious about healing, however, I 65

Net-Burst.Net

believe the following is a powerful teaching tool.

Day 1 [From FF] Hi Grantley, my name is *#!%@ Face. You can call me *#!%@ or FF. You probably dont know me but Anne told me I should talk to you. I dont know why you should care but she said I am scared. I am not scared of *#!%@ [anything]!! She wants to make us communicate better. Why should I want to communicate with her? She is a pansy *#!%@, push over. No way do I want to be like that!! I get what I want by Net-Burst.Net taking it. If they dont like it, I *#!%@ [have sex with] them. And they like it!! I dont really care what Anne or anyone says, I know it is true. They like it, alright! Who does not like love anyway? I teach them all. But I dont care if they like *#!%@ [having sex] or not. Because my job is to *#!%@ [have sex with] them, so I do it. I like it, they like it and I am good at it. So why should I want to stop and communicate better with Anne? Because of her, life sucks. No way!! *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

[From Grantley] Hi, My Friend! Many thanks for writing. You wrote: Why should I want to communicate with her. She is a pansy *#!%@, push over. Then why not help her want to change by discussing this with her? She shouldnt try to force herself on you. Neither should you force yourself on her but you can genuinely help each Net-Burst.Net other by talking things over. I like it, they like

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Do you REALLY like it or do you just think you have no alternative? Do you really feel free to do whatever you want or do you feel you have little choice? You deserve far better things than you realize. You deserve the best. You deserve to be respected and honored, not because you force yourself on people but because they really admire you. It will seem unbelievable to you right now, but this can really be yours. You are very important to God. He respects you and likes you. He wont force anything on you but if you let him, he can change everything in your life that you dont like. Your friend, Grantley

[From Anne] Hi Grantley, I want to apologize for FFs post. He always says awful things. He was gone for a while but he came back. I am trying to give him unconditional love, which is why I suspect Net-Burst.Net he went away for a bit in the first place, but I still struggle with this issue. But I am getting better at it. Honestly, I think he is scared to love but you wouldnt know from his post so thank you for your understanding and patience. I hurt for him and us all. Sad. Take care, Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: I want to apologize for FF post. It is most important that you dont apologize. He needs to be respected, listened to and encouraged to speak.

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I hurt for him and us all. Excellent. Day 2 [No messages] Day 3

Net-Burst.Net

[From FF] Hi, My Friend! You do not get to be my friend. You dont know me!! And more importantly I dont know YOU!!! Then why not help her want to change by discussing this with her? She shouldnt try to force herself on you. Neither should you force yourself on her but you can genuinely help each other by talking things over. I am all about force. That is what I do. I dont talk, I *#!%@ [have sex]!! Do you REALLY like it or do you just think you have no alternative? Do you really feel free to do whatever you want or do you feel you have little choice? You dont seem to understand. This isnt about choice. *#!%@ [Having sex] is my desire. It gives me power, it feels good, it gives them love, it keeps those monkey brats shut the *#!%@ up, and they like *#!%@ [having sex]. They like me inside of them. Net-Burst.Net The father taught me they all need love. He *#!%@ [had sex with] me too. Now the sick *#!%@ lives inside of me. He got there when he *#!%@ [had sex with] me!! I feel him and I hear him talking to me. I simply pass on the favor!! Anne is the only stupid *#!%@, dumber than rocks, moron, I just want to kill this stupid broad, who tries to *#!%@ up the plan. She doesnt want me *#!%@ [having sex]. She wants us to communicate better. Stupid bitch doesnt seem to *#!%@ understand that it is much more effective, and pleasurable, than being dead. That sick *#!%@ has no shyness about killing those brat *#!%@ kids. No, I havent had this conversation with her yet because she *#!%@ me 68

off too much. I hate the whole bitch!! You are one of those *#!%@ cant think for yourself God loving people, too, huh? *#!%@ . . . youre so full of *#!%@!! You got me confused with someone else. Forget it. I dont know why I bother. You dont understand nothing!! They do not admire me. They are afraid of me and that is how it is supposed to be. I *#!%@ [have sex with] em, I loved em, I kept them alive. That is my job! Whats not to get here!! O *#!%@ it! I dont want to tell some God-loving creep any more about us. The *#!%@ father will kill us if he knew and youre not worth the risk but thanks for the chat! *#!%@ [FFs foul name] Net-Burst.Net

[From Grantley] You wrote: You do not get to be my friend. You dont know me!! And more importantly I dont know YOU!!! I apologize for not explaining myself better. It is always entirely your decision as to who you regard as your friend and I utterly respect that. Likewise, it is up to me who I regard as a friend and I happen to regard you that way, no matter how you treat people. The reality is that you have suffered greatly. No one can become an alter without having suffered unfairly. That breaks my heart and because of that, you will always have a special place in my heart, no matter how you treat me. Ill be sad if you choose to hate me but no matter what, I care about you. I am all about force. That is what I do. I dont talk I *#!%@ [have sex]!! Yes, you have acted that way but you are not enslaved to ALWAYS acting like that. With Gods help you are free to be different, if ever you choose. *#!%@ [Having sex] is my desire. It gives me power, it feels Net-Burst.Net good. Did you know there are other ways to feel empowered and feel good and that those ways are more satisfying? 69

It gives them love Love has nothing to do with illegitimate sex. Love is about kindness. It keeps those monkey brats shut the *#!%@ up, and they like *#!%@ [having sex]. They like me inside of them. Just out of interest, suppose they said they didnt like it. Would you stop? Or are you determined to do it regardless of whether they like it or not? The father taught me they all need love. He was greatly mistaken. He was selfish and cruel. He broke the law by what he did to you and the others. What he did was so wrong that he would have been jailed for very many years had authorities known. Now the sick *#!%@ lives inside of me. He got there when he *#!%@ [had sex with] me!! I feel him and I hear him talking to me. Thats extremely interesting. Even if it feels exactly as if it is happening, it is literally impossible for anyone to live inside of you. It is either a demon and they are nothing to be afraid Net-Burst.Net of (you can easily get rid of them if you ask Jesus) or it is some trick that your father played on you. Either way you can break free from that. Stupid bitch doesnt seem to *#!%@ understand that it is much more effective, and pleasurable, than being dead. Neither Anne nor I, nor God want you dead. You can enjoy life without doing what you are doing. That sick *#!%@ has no shyness about killing those brat *#!%@ kids. Interesting. Could you explain what you mean by that? Do you feel that Anne has in some way killed any alters? It is most important that she not do that. Please tell me more. They do not admire me. They are afraid of me Yes, but you can change and then you will be admired. I kept them alive.

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Could you explain what you mean by that? {I now realize that I had misunderstood FF. He was saying that the father would kill the alters if FF didnt have sex with them.} Net-Burst.Net Thanks for the chat! And thank you. It has been extremely interesting. I really enjoy getting to know you.

[From Anne] He had to go and speak his mind, Grantley. I didnt try to stop him. If you want to kick us off the group, I understand!! FF is horrible, Grantley. Loving him doesnt come easy. I make a lot of mistakes with it!!! DAMN! I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!! Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: He had to go and speak his mind, Grantley. Net-Burst.Net It is most important that he does. This is critical to your healing. Loving him doesnt come easy. But doing so is a key to your healing. I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!! But it will work out well.

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[From Grantley] Hi, Anne! I think your alter is wonderful! He/she said many fascinating things, including the following: That sick *#!%@ [is that a reference to you?] has no shyness about killing those brat *#!%@ kids. the *#!%@ father will kill us if he knew Those two statements seem very important to understanding this dear alter. Could you please tell me your understanding Net-Burst.Net of them? Bless you! Day 4

[From Anne] That sick *#!%@ [is that a reference to you?] has no shyness about killing those brat *#!%@ kids. I dont hurt them on purpose I dont know the father, Grantley. I never met him. I dont even know his name. Im sorry that I dont have more answers. This whole thing makes me really really deeply sad. I wish I could just sit and cry. Deep sigh . . . I can only ask FF but I cant do it right now. He is extra challenging for me. So if I ask FF, he may or may not tell me but he will come out and either take part control or all control. I dont really want him to come out today. I finally had a good day where my worst problem was not being able to focus and having a headache. I will ask him your questions soon. I want to say thanks for your help but your help hurts so it is hard to really be thankful but as much as thankfulness as I 72

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can be THANKS, GRANTLEY Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: I dont hurt them on purpose Im sure you dont. It would be good to talk to FF about this, however, and apologize if needed. I dont know the father Then he is not the father of your body, but someone who gave himself that title? He is extra challenging for me. I very much understand this. And will do my best to do what you are currently unable to do with FF. I will ask him your questions soon. There is no need. I have asked him. I just thought you might be able to add some insights but apparently not. I have so little background information. Your help hurts Only temporarily. Day 5

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[From FF] You wrote: That breaks my heart and because of that, you will always have a special place in my heart, no matter how you treat me. Ill be sad if you choose to hate me but no matter what, I 73

care about you. I dont want you cares. Im not scared of becoming an alter, and *#!%@ the special place in your heart, shouldnt that be for your girlfriend? I am not your friend, and I dont *#!%@ [have sex with] guys, at least not willingly, so save the Net-Burst.Net *#!%@ speech. Yes, you have acted that way but you are not enslaved to ALWAYS acting like that. With Gods help you are free to be different, if ever you choose. Did you know there are other ways to feel empowered and feel good and that those ways are more satisfying? You dont get it. *#!%@ [Having sex] is the only thing I enjoy doing. It is my drive. I am nothing without it. This is what I do. I know nothing else and I dont want to know anything else. Get it?!! Love has nothing to do with illegitimate sex. Love is about kindness. Okay then!! Freak. Just out of interest, suppose they said they didnt like it. Would you stop? Or are you determined to do it regardless of whether they like it or not? Do you really think I would stop . . . *#!%@ you . . . have you ever *#!%@ [had sex] before? It doesnt matter what they say . . . they like it . . . I feel them like it too. He was greatly mistaken. He was selfish and cruel. He broke the law by what he did to you and the others. What he did was so wrong that he would have been jailed for very many Net-Burst.Net years had authorities known. Obviously you need to go *#!%@ [have sex with] your mother!! She is slacking on loving you. Thats extremely interesting. Even if it feels exactly as if it is happening, it is literally impossible for anyone to live inside of you. It is either a demon and they are nothing to be afraid of (you can easily get rid of them if you ask Jesus) or it is some trick that your father played on you. Either way you can break free from that. I might be a self centered *#!%@ who likes *#!%@ [having sex] but I am not a demon, the father would never trick me, 74

and I dont want nothing to do with Jesus. What the *#!%@ do you know? The sick *#!%@ got inside of me when he *#!%@ [had sex with] me. I felt him. He talks to me all of the time. I hate when he talks to me I want to kill the *#!%@. He is a mean *#!%@ *#!%@ who deserves burn in hell but does not need to get laid. I might be an *#!%@ *#!%@ but I am not a demon, calm down buddy, the father would never trick me, and I dont want nothing to do with your Jesus. I am not one of those God loving fools. Neither Anne nor I, nor God want you dead. You can enjoy life without doing what you are doing. What? Who said anything about me being dead? The Net-Burst.Net drinking, crack smoking, shooting flies with a gun, country hick *#!%@, will kill those brat *#!%@ if they get in the way and they are too *#!%@ stupid to shut the *#!%@ up. I *#!%@ [have sex with them], they shut the *#!%@ up. What a deal, huh. Interesting. Could you explain what you mean by that? Do you feel that Anne has in some way killed any alters? It is most important that she not do that. Please tell me more. Lay off the crack dude . . . I dont know what youre talking about . . . Yes, but you can change and then you will be admired. I dont know what the *#!%@ you are smoking but go your mother, then your girlfriend, it might help you feel better . . . I dont want them to admire me. I want them to be afraid of me. Fear is a powerful tool to keep those brat *#!%@ in line. Havent you even been around kids? You can do me one favor . . . lose my contact information . . . lose Annes contact information. We do not want to talk to you. We think there is something wrong with you. I dont really want to improve communication with Anne. She is a hopeless and I would rather *#!%@ [have sex with] her but I gave it a try . . . Peace Net-Burst.Net *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

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[From Grantley] Hi, FF! Because you are so important to me, I will be completely open with you and give you much more time than I can afford to give other people. You deserve good, loyal friends who think well of you. Even if you despise me at present I would count it a great privilege if you ever let me be your friend. I am very pleased that you have written, even though almost every word you wrote felt like a punch to my stomach. It hurts to know how much the father and this thing inside you has hurt and tricked you. If you are hoping to hurt me, you are doing well, but I want you to speak freely and I will accept no apologies from Anne or anyone else. I want you to have a voice and speak your mind freely. I know so little about you at present and so I apologize that my guesses about you and your circumstances will sometimes be wrong but I am keen to get up to speed. I want to know and Net-Burst.Net understand you thoroughly. You might have misunderstood me and if I contributed to that misunderstanding, I apologize. I know you are fully human and that you are most definitely NOT a demon. It was this thing inside of you that feels like the father that I said could be a demon a spirit because no physical person could fit inside you. This thing is not you and does not belong in you. You can be completely free from it but it is too powerful for you or me to remove without the help of Jesus, who is supernaturally powerful and cares deeply for you. I do not know who the father is that you refer to but he has clearly had a huge impact upon you and so I would love for you to tell me more about him. I believe he hurt you deeply more deeply than you realize. You say he would not lie to you but it is unrealistic to expect anyone as evil as him to be truthful. You wrote: You dont get it. *#!%@ [Having sex] is the only thing I enjoy doing. It is my drive. I am nothing without it. 76

I have good news for you. You can be everything without it. You have yet to discover how wonderful you can be. There is so much more to life than you have so far discovered. Do you really think I would stop? Net-Burst.Net You are not interested in love and doing what helps people? Is it that you just want to get what feels good to you regardless of how much it hurts others? I find it hard to believe that deep down you really want to act that way. I think you care about people more than you are willing to admit to yourself. I want to kill the *#!%@. You can be rid of him. Only Jesus is powerful enough to do it, but he is keen to help if you let him. With warm regards, Grantley

[From Anne] I have been a complete mess with FF memories and/or new alters. But thank you for your concerns. Grantley, I appreciate your concern. I am not so sure FF knows how to not be so hurtful. I know you dont want to hear apologize but I wish things were different. I never knew the father, and I dont want to start now, but I Net-Burst.Net do know FF saved my life. I am grateful but this is a horrible way to have to get to know your life, HORRIBLE!! I dont want it to be mine. My heart hurt deeply. My head wants to explode. Right now, FF will not communicate with me or the group so I dont know what to say. I have a strange feeling he is deeply hurt with bad memories and trying to hide from them. However, I cannot be sure that the pain I feel inside of me or the bad memories/visions that I see belong to him or a new alter because whoever they belong to will not tell their name. So this is only a strong suspicion. In either case, out of in respect for him, I need to just give it 77

time to tell. When and if ever, the time is right to say more, we will communicate with the group. For now, just know that if my head doesnt explode or my heart break from knife like stab wounds, the healing process is working, so thank you. Until we meet again, Anne

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[From Grantley] You wrote: I never knew the father, and I dont want to start now I understand your reluctance but the father will win unless you face these memories. but I do know FF saved my life. I am grateful Please ensure FF knows you appreciate this. but this is a horrible way to have to get to know your life, HORRIBE!! It is horrible but because it is horrible you need to heal from it and the only way to do this is the face the truth. I have a strange feeling he is deeply hurt with bad memories and trying to hide from them. Quite likely, and you need to help him bear this pain by facing it, but you dont have to do this alone. Bring Jesus with you and let him bear it. In either case, out of in respect for him Thank you for respecting him.

For now, just know that if my head doesnt explode or my Net-Burst.Net heart break from knife like stab wounds Keep involving Jesus in this. He longs to help.

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Bless you! Day 6 [No messages] Day 7

[From FF] What do you want from me Grantley!!!! I dont get it. Why dont you go away!! Do you know most people are scared of me, why arent you?? *#!%@ me, my heart hurt!! I told you before I dont want Jesus but I want this *#!%@ *#!%@ out of my head. I want to kill the *#!%@ father dead. He hate me and I hate the *#!%@ right back. The stupid *#!%@ *#!%@!! I want him out of my head. Jesus is supernatural? That cant be good!! I dont mess with drugs or evil spirits so he cant help me!! Would you believe me if I said I didnt try to hurt you? Well its true, whether you believe it or not is up to you. *#!%@ me. I dont make friends. I *#!%@ [have sex with] them. I dont want friends. What I want to know is what do you want from me?? I told you already I dont *#!%@ [have sex with] guys. Why be friends with someone who doesnt want it? Most people are afraid of me. What the *#!%@ is wrong with you? Whatever. I have to go. *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

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[From Grantley] So good to hear from you again! You wrote: What do you want from me Grantley!!!! Its not what I want FROM you but what I want FOR you. I believe you are hurting inside and feeling forced to do some 79

things that you dont want to do. I want you free to do what YOU truly want to do without any pressure from anyone or anything else and I want you free from any internal pain. Do you know most people are scared of me, why arent you?? Net-Burst.Net The Bible says that love casts our fear and I love you in the caring, non-sexual, selfless way that God loves you. I told you before I dont want Jesus but I want this *#!%@ *#!%@ out of my head. I want it out of your head, too. But this is not an ordinary thing that is tormenting you. To get it out we need the help of someone with superhuman powers. Jesus has that power. No one else does. I want to kill the *#!%@ father dead. He hate me and I hate the *#!%@ right back. The stupid *#!%@ *#!%@!! I want him out of my head. I understand how you feel. You need to be free from this. Jesus is supernatural. That cant be good!! I dont mess with drugs or evil spirits so he cant help me!! Jesus is safe. Even though he has incredible power, he never abuses that power. He is kind and gentle and patient. He longs to help you but he is not an abuser who does things without peoples permission. He is patiently waiting for you to give him permission to help and he will not act until he receives your full permission. Im glad you dont mess with drugs. As far as evil spirits are concerned, I believe you but I think the father messed with evil spirits and he put one in you against you will to control you (evil does not operate by the same rules that Jesus does). This happened to a dear Net-Burst.Net friend of mine and to other people. It wasnt their fault but they needed that thing out of their lives. And Jesus did it for them when they asked. Would you believe me if I said I didnt try to hurt you. Thank you, FF. I believe you. What I want to know is what do you want from me?? I only want you to be free and happy and for you to do whatever you want.

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Why be friends with someone who doesnt want it? I think you are lonely and need a good friend who only cares about your happiness and in no way wants to use you. Your want-to-be friend, Grantley Day 8 [No messages] Day 9

Net-Burst.Net [From FF] So today I thought I would venture out, be independent and give this Jesus thing a try. But as it got closer to time, I got more and more scared. Anne and I dont talk much. I hate girls. The father says they are all whores who *#!%@ [have sex with] you and steal your money. Anyway, Anne said I should stay back in a safe quiet place and listen so I can see if Jesus is safe for me. I didnt want to listen to the whore but she kept bugging me to go. Telling me how it will be fine . . . I can sit back in a safe place . . . Blah blah blah. I was terrified to try. Just so you know, I never get scared. I have only been scared one other time. That was the first time the father *#!%@ [had sex with] me. I still remember it. It was the most violent night of my life. The father came into my room while I was sleeping. Without saying a word, he came to my bed, reached down, and grabbed me. With agonizing force, he turned me over, ripped off my pajama pants and *#!%@ [had sex with] me hard in the *#!%@. It hurt like a *#!%@. It hurt so bad. The violence that night was beyond words. Besides the pain, I was out of my head scared but I never had time to defend myself because he came in out of no where, and he didnt waste no time *#!%@ [having sex with] me straight away!! I still have never seen such horror but since then I dont get scared. But today I was really scared. This was different because I had time to be scared. The closer it got to time, the more Net-Burst.Net scared I got. Then the whole time I was there, I keep waiting for the same fear as the first time the father taught me about *#!%@ [having sex] and love. Honestly, I was more scared of what pain would follow the fear. I stayed for a 5 minutes which was as long as I could stand because my head felt like 81

it was going to literally explode. Not to mention the fact that my heart ached with an unexplainable pain and stomach hurt like some *#!%@ kicked me. *#!%@ me Grantley you never told me love hurts!! I need you to realize I do not like other guys. I am 16 years old but I will never live past 30 because all I know how to do is *#!%@ [have sex with] people. One day some poor *#!%@ is going to kill me the same as I want to kill the father. I want the *#!%@ *#!%@ out of my head but this isnt worth the cost. *#!%@ it!! I dont want love!! *#!%@ [Having sex] doesnt hurt and I like it. It feels good. You are wrong about it. You just never had right! I like talking to you. I like talking to God too. Today I was so scared that I talked to God. I had no idea what I was doing but I figured what the *#!%@ could it hurt because seriously I dont think it is possible to get any more scared so I took a risk and asked God please do not let them hurt me today. Anyway, I like talking to you because I have never met someone not afraid of me, and I have never had such long conversations before. But *#!%@ me, I dont want friends. And it doesnt help that the father gets violently *#!%@, crazy, scary, mad about Jesus. He says his spirit will *#!%@ us up. He hates Jesus this is no joke. He is serious too!!! Well I have to listen to the father because, aside from the fact that he is in my *#!%@ head, I have known him my whole life. But I have only known you for about, I dunno 6 minutes. So who do you think has had more influence on my life? Hint, not you!! Well what I am trying to say here is you need to *#!%@ and find another friend. In other words I cant change me, so *#!%@!! *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

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[From Grantley] You wrote: So today I thought I would venture out, be independent Well done! and give this Jesus thing a try.

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Excellent! but as it got closer to time, I got more and more scared. Something that is so true that I find myself frequently telling people with DID is that healing takes a lot of courage. Net-Burst.Net The father says they are all whores who *#!%@ [have sex with] you and steal your money. But the father was a man filled with hate. Most likely had had a couple of bad experiences with women and wasnt smart enough to realize woman differ from each other, just like not all men are the same. Anyway, Anne said I should stay back in a safe quiet place and listen so I can see if Jesus is safe for me. Jesus is indeed safe and because he is safe is very kind and patient. He wont force himself upon you and will even agree to any restrictions you place upon him as to how close you will let him come. So Jesus is quite happy with Annes suggestion. I was terrified to try. Just so you know, I never get scared. So there is something very peculiar about this fear, right? My guess is that what is peculiar about it is that fear does not come from you at all but from the thing inside you which I believe is a bad spirit. It is scared of Jesus because it wants to keep you enslaved. I have only been scared one other time. That was the first time the father *#!%@ [had sex with] me. I still remember it. it was the most violent night of my life. Net-Burst.Net My heart breaks for you. The father lied to you when he said that people like this. No one likes it when it is done against their wishes. It breaks Gods heart and his laws and is a criminal offense. Thank you for sharing the details of what you suffered. You dont deserve to have to suffer in silence. The father deserves very many years in jail for hurting you the way he did. The violence that night was beyond words. Yes. I never had time to defend myself because he came in out of

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no where Yes, and I presume you were too young to be able to stand up to him anyhow. You now live in an older body and that makes you much safer. I presume that you also no longer live with the father, which further adds to your safety. You never told me love hurts!! It doesnt. What you were experiencing was pain put on you by this thing that does not belong inside you. It wants to keep you enslaved and it knows that Jesus is able to set you free. all I know how to do is *#!%@ [have sex with] people. Net-Burst.Net This can completely change. Jesus wants to set you free. I want the *#!%@ *#!%@ out of my head but this isnt worth the cost. It is very much worth the cost. What makes that hard to believe is that you have not yet experienced the wonderful things you get after the paying the price. You will have the comfort and strength of Jesus. The pain and the fear will go. I like talking to you. That warms my heart because I like talking to you, too. In fact, I got up early (different time zone here) just to see if you had written and of all the e-mails screaming for my attention your e-mail is the one I zeroed in on. I like talking to God too. Today I was so scared that I talked to God. Wonderful! Well done! And it doesnt help that the father gets violently *#!%@, crazy, scary, mad about Jesus. That should tell you some very significant things. The man who hurt you so much is violently opposed to Jesus. To be free from the father and from what he put inside you, you need someone very different to the father. Net-Burst.Net Well I have to listen to the father When you let Jesus help you, you will be free to live your own

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life and make your own decisions. I have known him my whole life. But I have only known you for about, I dunno 6 minutes. True, but he hurt you and lied to you and wants to keep you enslaved. So who do you think has had more influence on my life? Yes, but you can break free and start a new and better life. I believe in you. I understand your concerns. There is no pressure from me. I still long to be your friend. Grantley

[From Anne] I would have written sooner but I saw FF post. The pain of it all just kills me. What a rough life. Plus, I really wish this all didnt have to be posted for everyone to see but it seems to Net-Burst.Net be the only way because FF and I struggle to communicate. I had a powerful experience at church yesterday that I want to share. Honestly, it makes me shake to tell you all about this because I dont want you all to think I just made it up but something tells me, this is important to step forward out of my fear and share. There is light in Anne land so I will tell anyone who wants to hear about it. As of late, I have been having trouble with the worship. So yesterday, I wasnt myself at the service. I felt deep pain for FF. I felt like I failed my goal to show FF about God. His situation is a true heartbreak to me. So the whole service I enjoyed being with God because he is my only rest but I dont think I opened my mouth to talk to God or sing the whole service. Instead, I closed my eyes, lifting my hands, and allowing the Holy Ghost to work in me, but I didnt want to communicate otherwise. I was too overwhelmed with a deep sadness for FF and anger for my life. I just didnt have anything more in me. Regardless of my failures, I felt much better about my relationship with God. He touched my life in a powerful 85

powerful way. Peace to you all, Anne Net-Burst.Net

[From Grantley] Hi, FF! How are you my friend? Ive been missing you, FF. Id love to hear from you. You are important to God and to us. Days 10-12 [No messages] Day 13

[From FF] I am not good Grantley. I think the sick *#!%@ dont want me to talk to you because it hurts my stomach to talk to you, *#!%@ me huh!! I cannot change, and I wish you could understand. I almost want things to go back to the way they were before I knew you... I cant talk any more. I have to go now Bye Net-Burst.Net *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

[From Grantley] You wrote: I am not good Grantley. I think the sick *#!%@ dont want me to talk to you because it hurts my stomach to talk to you

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Im so sorry, my friend. You can break free, however, even though you dont realize it. I cannot change, and I wish you could understand. There are some things about you that I dont know yet, but I understand more than you realize. The thing that is trying to possess you is stronger than you but he is weak compared with Jesus. And Jesus wants to be your friend and with Jesus as your friend you can be free. Day 14

Net-Burst.Net [From FF] I dont know what you think that you know about me Grantley but you dont know me!!! No one knows me, Anne included, and I want to keep it that way too!! I HATE MY LIFE!! I want to kill the *#!%@ father. He *#!%@ my life. I know he did. I dont even know where I live, let alone the *#!%@ *#!%@. This is not my house. I really want to kill the *#!%@ *#!%@. You will probably laugh but I dont want to be like the father. I hope you believe me. It is true, I promise. If Jesus is so great why was the father the only one who taught me about growing up, Grantley? Jesus wont even talk to me. Maybe he doesnt like bad people. I was too scared to go and meet Jesus again. The place made me crazy scared. You have no idea. I will think about going again but I am not brave. I wasnt made to be brave! If I go and pretend to be brave. Can you do me a favor? Maybe if you want you can help me change my name so people dont think that is all I know how to do is *#!%@ [have sex]. Even if it is mostly true, I am learning new things. Maybe I will tell you later. Gotta go Net-Burst.Net bye *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

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[From Grantley] You wrote: I dont know what you think that you know about me, Grantley but you dont know me!!! As I said, Id love to know you much better. Its not so much what I know about you but the fact that I know so many who have been like you that have now found joy and freedom and I know that you can find it, too. I HATE MY LIFE!! I want to kill the *#!%@ father. He *#!%@ my life. I know he did. Yes, he did. The way to get back at him is to become someone very unlike him and not be dominated by what he did to you. This is the empowering and freedom that Jesus offers you. I dont even know where I life, let along the *#!%@ *#!%@. This is not my house. Things have moved on a lot since the father hurt you. Many years have passed. The father might even be dead, I dont know. Do you know that the year is 2011? The memories are so real that they seem like only yesterday and the presence of the father seems so real because of either a trick of his or a demon he put in you, but you really are free from him. You will probably laugh but I dont want to be like the father. No, Im not laughing, dear friend. It makes me proud of you. I hope you believe me. It is true, I promise. I believe you completely. I have never thought you have ever lied to me. If Jesus is so great why was the father the only one who taught me about growing up, Grantley. You suffered such trauma from what the father did that you split into many parts. Some of those parts know Jesus well. Sadly you did not get a chance to get to know him but he longs for you to let him be your friend. He is not an abuser, 88

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so he wont force his friendship on you but he is patiently waiting for you. You mean so much to him. Jesus wont even talk to me. Give him a chance. Youll be surprised! Net-Burst.Net Maybe he doesnt like bad people. He loves bad people so much that he took all their badness and pain upon himself and let himself be punished horrifically for the sins they deserve so that the Holy Lord could treat them as being totally innocent. I was too scared to go and meet Jesus again. Im so sorry you were scared but that fear was not from Jesus. He doesnt want you to fear him. I will think about going again Excellent! You can tell all the things that make you scared to go away in Jesus name. You dont have to let them enslave you. Please read a webpage based on the experience of one of Christys alters: Susan has a Secret. Maybe if you want you can help me change my name so people dont think that is all I know how to do is *#!%@ [have sex]. I think thats a great idea. Ian [a member of the group] and Im sure the rest in the group feel the same way believe you are worthy of a new name. He suggested the name of Honesty. What do you think? You are worthy of a great name. My suggestion is the name Net-Burst.Net of a boy that I know. His name is Innocent. That describes how God sees you when you ask Jesus to forgive you. I am learning new things. Maybe I will tell you later. Wonderful! With warm thoughts, Grantley

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[From Anne] I think you might be right about the demon thing. And I dont think this is the first time something like this happen has happened to us. The mean hurt us all for years and I nor anyone else, knew how to get him to stop. No matter what, he always came back. He started out acting like a friend but the harder that I tried to get rid of him, the meaner and cleverer he got in his cause. He was RELENTLESS in the worst kind of way!! So I could never despite my best effort got him to leave us alone. He waited until I sick, really tired, or really stressed so I was too weak to fight him off, or he tricked me to believe they like it or it was good for them. It sounds funny he could make me Net-Burst.Net believe him, but he knew exactly what to say in a strange kind of way to get his way. When none of those methods worked, and I finally felt some success at holding him back, someone else would forcefully take over so I lost control and I couldnt stop him. The worst part was that I knew what he was doing but I couldnt get control back to stop it. Then the kids would be mad at me for not stopping him but I couldnt stop him. He mainly hurt the kids who are three in one. They are I would guess 2ish or less and also named Anne too. A long time ago, I saw them in my dreams. They do not talk, they are ghostly white, and they look strangely like me. I never knew the man in my life but other alters have told him his name is Paul. Finally one day, I was able to get Jesus involved and it worked. What a whole new world the freedom opened up for us all. I want to be able to help FF but he will not talk to me. The mean man talked to me. it is hard to be much help when I cannot communicate with him. And I am not sure why he wont talk to me. I am not mean to him. I try really hard to be patience. Can you help me be able to talk to him Grantley? Thanks for your help with FF. God Bless, Anne Net-Burst.Net

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[From Grantley] You wrote: I think you might be right about the demon thing. Have a look at Imaginary Friends and links. It is the experience of a member of our group. Her name is changed. There are obvious differences with what is happening with FF but there might be enough similarities for it to help a little. It is important not to mistake an alter for a demon but when it is something WITHIN an alter making him do what he does not what to do, it could very well be a demon. Some abusers have an awareness of demons and knowingly place demons within alters to better control them. It can also happen without the abusers awareness but simply because demons are controlling the abuser. Demons are all bluff. They have no power over Christians but they use feelings such as fear and much deceit. They can also make a person unable to think clearly so that their weak arguments and threats seem believable. Day 15 Net-Burst.Net [From Anne] I read your web site, The Comfort Imaginary Friends and Masturbation Brought to a Sexual Abuse Survivor Wow this story is painfully painfully similar to the mean man. Like Christine, it rocked my world when I could finally get free of him. I used to feel like such a failure, depressed, worthless... when I couldnt get rid of him. And I felt pleasure from sex. But in the end, getting rid of him was worth all the trouble and more. It truly opened my world to a whole new way of life, just as it did in this story. It not only opened my world but it caused many many alters to come out of hiding. I never knew there were so many kids, and how bad he hurt them until he was gone. So, I am very grateful that I read this. FF is a little different because he is an alter. The mean man 91

wasnt an alter, and I never really saw the differences until I read your story. The mean man existed solely and relentlessly for sex. He wanted it. he wanted it REALLY REALLY bad. And he could not in any way be deterred. From what little I know, FF is not like that but it is hard to be able to help much when he doesnt communicate with me so I Net-Burst.Net hope we can change this. Thanks for the message, Grantley Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: I read your web site, The Comfort Imaginary Friends and Masturbation Brought to a Sexual Abuse Survivor Wow this story is painfully painfully similar to the mean man. . . . So, I am very grateful that I read this. Great! FF is a little different because he is an alter. He is totally different. HOWEVER, it seems he has someone similar to the mean man keeping him from being free to be the good person he longs to be and to get to know Jesus. I suggest you try to communicate with FF about the mean man and how you won over him etc. This should encourage him a lot. Net-Burst.Net He doesnt communicate with me If nothing else, you could e-mail him through the group. Bless you!

[From FF] I dont know why you want to know me better. *#!%@ me I am so confused about this world. I am stuck in the wrong 92

world. I dont think I belong here. Maybe I belong dead like the father. The way to get back at him is to become someone very unlike him and not be dominated by what he did to you. This is the empowering and freedom that Jesus offers you. I am not stupid Grantley. That is not revenge!! Things have moved on a lot since the father hurt you. Many years have passed. The father might even be dead, I dont know. Do you know that the year is 2011? The memories are so real that they seem like only yesterday and the presence of the father seems so real because of either a trick of his or a demon he put in you, but you really are free from him. Net-Burst.Net Are you trying to trick me!! The father warned me that you would turn out mean and evil. Why didnt I grow up. I believe you completely. I have never thought you have ever lied to me. Thank you for believing me. The father never believed me. He always told me I was thinking the same as him. He got mad if I thought differently. This hurts me so much it makes me want to cry. Boys cant cry or they will turn into pussy *#!%@. Please do not trick me about this. *#!%@ it! I dont want to talk about it! I am not scared. Only Jesus makes me scared but I will get over it. I dont know what you mean about parts exactly. I think what you mean but maybe you are *#!%@ crazy too. I like the name Honest. Can you tell me how I can change my name? I am going to try to meet Jesus if I am not too scared. I hope he is more like you than the father. *#!%@ it! I will be brave. Do you think I can tell them Jesus said *#!%@ because in Jesus name sounds funny to me. Bye Grantley *#!%@ [FFs foul name] One last thing, Grantley, why do you want to be friends with Net-Burst.Net me? You never tell me seriously your answer. Are you like Jesus? I dont know why you talk to me and how you know so much stuff. And why are you nice? It hurts me to be nice. I

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dont think I like it. I have to go now Bye again *#!%@ [FFs foul name] Me

[From Grantley] Subject: To Honest (formerly FF) You wrote: I dont know why you want to know me better. Because I like you and you are highly important to God and to Anne. I am so confused about this world. Yes, it is very confusing but things will become increasingly clear for you and the confusion will go. Net-Burst.Net I am stuck in the wrong world. Things have changed very much since you were formed but this is good news. It is a much safer, kinder, gentler world than the one you knew. maybe I belong dead like the father. Definitely not. You deserve to truly live, enjoying life to the full. I am not stupid Grantley, that is not revenge!! At first thought it might not seem like revenge but it really is. To act the exact opposite to the father is to ensure that he completely loses. He wanted you to become like him. To act hateful is to become like him. It is, in effect, saying that he was right to act the way that he did and that you think he is so right that you will copy him. As they say, imitation is the highest form of flattery I.e. to copy someone and act like them is the greatest compliment you can give someone. Are you trying to trick me!!

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What do you see as a possible trick? Me saying that the year is 2011? If you doubt this, look around. Perhaps you can find a calendar or diary or newspaper or magazine. The computer and e-mails have the date on them, too. The father warned me that you would turn out mean and evil. Net-Burst.Net Why didnt I grow up. I dont think anyone could be WORSE than the father. I am trustworthy but Im not asking you to trust ME. I am just asking you to trust God and I am asking you to find the freedom you deserve. I live the opposite side of the world to you and have never visited your country and I have no idea of your address. I cant hurt you. All I want is for you to be no longer tricked by the fathers lies. The father never believed me. This is one of very many reasons why what he said cannot be trusted. He always told I was thinking the same as him. Thats because he wanted you to think like him. Thats why acting like him hateful, wanting to sexually exploit people etc, would be letting him win. He got mad if I thought differently. He is no longer around to enforce his wishes on you. You are free to be yourself. It makes me want to cry. Im not asking you to cry but it is safe to cry. It wont make you weak. Some of the strongest men in the world cry. For Net-Burst.Net example, here is a quote from my webpage Real Christians Grieve Without ever intending to, vast numbers of caring, Bibleloving Christians have slipped from the Bibles view of grief. They suppose they should be more lion-hearted than David the giant-killer, the man after Gods own heart who, upon finding Ziklag burnt and his family taken captive, wept aloud until there was no strength left in him, before heroically seizing back from the enemy everything that had been stolen (1 Samuel 30:3-19). There are Christians who think they should be less human than Jesus, who often wept. Have a quick look at my webpage Men Crying in the Bible to 95

see the vast number of times the Bible mentions men crying. Do you have too many girl friends? Im not sure what you mean. I am married. I relate to no one else sexually or romantically. but I like the name Honest. Great! Can you tell me how I can change my name? Its easy. From now on call yourself Honest and thats the name everyone else will call you by. Net-Burst.Net I am going to try to meet Jesus if I am not too scared. Well done! You are brave and Jesus will make you even braver. I hope he is more like you than the father. VERY much so. Do you think I can tell them Jesus said *#!%@ because in Jesus name sounds funny to me. Yes, that would work fine, although Jesus prefers not to use that word. Tell them Jesus said you must leave or something like that. They wont like it one bit. Theyll try to bluff you and act as if they wont leave but when they know you are serious they will get increasingly afraid of you (even though they will hide their fear) and they will end up having to leave. Are you like Jesus? Im a little like Jesus but he is far better than me. For example, he cares so much for you that he was tortured in your place and in mine. Ive never done that for anyone. Jesus can be with you 24/7. I cant. Jesus is perfect. He never makes mistakes and he knows everything about you. Im not like that. Net-Burst.Net Day 16

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[From Honest (formerly FF)] I did it Grantley! I went to meet Jesus. Woo whooo! I know you would be proud!! Anne told me to stay in my safe spot and sleep for a little but until she told me it was the right time that I can come out. And she made it double safe so the *#!%@ father could not get in. I didnt understand what they were saying mostly at church but they said God is love so now I just make sure I know what love means. I think it means a good thing. Okay I have to go now because the father is nearby and I dont want him to know about Jesus. Thanks for being my friend Grantley. I like you friends sometimes. Bye *#!%@ [FFs foul name]

[From Grantley] Net-Burst.Net I did it Grantley! I went to meet Jesus. Woo whooo! Wow!!!! Fantastic!! Im over the moon I know you would be proud!! I am indeed!!! Well done!!! Anne told me to stay in my safe spot and sleep for a little but until she told me it was the right time that I can come out. And she made it double safe so the *#!%@ father could not get in. Great! I didnt understand what they were saying mostly at church but they said God is love so now I just make sure I know what love means. I think it means a good thing. Yes, love is a very good thing. Love means being kind and gentle and wanting to help people and make them happy. It means feeling sorry for people if they feel sad and being happy for them when they are happy. It means being unselfish and wanting the best for a person. 97

Your friend, Grantley

Net-Burst.Net [From Honest (formerly FF)] Hi, Ian. Thanks for the name. It makes me happy. I love it. It makes me happy. Honest :) Honest Honest Honest Honest Honest hee hee Honest Yep, I like it. Bye Honest

[From Ian] Hi Honest, Im glad you like the name Honest. I hadnt written earlier because I want to be your friend too, and sometimes the best thing a friend can do is to just sit back and just listen. I wanted to see what you and Grantley had to say. I suggested a good name for you could be Honest because thats one characteristic I see in you that I really like youre honest. You say it like it is, and I really appreciate that in a person. Net-Burst.Net I know its very confusing for you right now. Youve been lied to for so long by so many people, and now the father is telling you were just trying to trick you. Im sorry your father never believed you, that was just wrong its obvious to me youre very honest. Nobody would write the things you have unless they were being honest! Grantley is not trying to trick you, and neither am I. Youve been lied to for so long, and its all youve heard, so how would you know what the truth is? So to prove were telling the truth, were trying to show you something we can prove, like what year it is. And more importantly, Jesus is there for you too. Yes, it can 98

be a bit frightening at first, but really the fear is from the father who has lied to you all along, and is lying to you now. It is really him who is afraid of Jesus, because he knows Jesus is more powerful than him, and Jesus would make him leave. He also knows that Jesus wants whats best for you, and that (thankfully) he is not at all what the father is like. The father also knows that once you start looking around, youre going to find out for yourself that hes been lying to you all along, and that we are not mean and evil, nor are we tricking you, we are being honest with you. We want to be your friend because Jesus became our friend when in many ways we were like you. I actually hated Jesus for a while. You know that? I told Him to get lost, get out of my life, go away. And I did many things that hurt Him, and to hurt myself. He was my friend and cared about me anyway Net-Burst.Net in spite of what I did to Him. Now Grantley and I spend our lives pointing people to Jesus, because we all need a friend like Him, and He is God the true Father, the perfect Father that we never had. One who tells us the truth and cares about us. Unfortunately, there are liars out there who claim to be God the Father, and are not. You have already proven just how brave you are by even writing to us (thank you for that Im so glad you did!). I know it takes bravery to do the things you need to do, like find out what date it is, to meet Jesus, and to tell the father to get lost in the name of Jesus but I already know youll be brave enough to do all that, because youve already shown us how brave you are. Hope you write again soon! Ian

[From Grantley] Hi, Honest! You deserve many new names. Brave one is a name that you deserve because a brave person is someone who does not let Net-Burst.Net fear stop him and you went to Jesus despite intense fear. That makes you very brave. I am so proud of you. Dont worry about fear. Keep pushing through that fear and getting to know Jesus because Jesus is all-powerful. He will protect 99

you. The father is nearby and I dont want him to know about Jesus. I encourage you to run to Jesus, take his hand and tell the father that you belong to Jesus. You can then poke your tongue out to the father or do whatever you want because Jesus is your protector and the father cant do anything to hurt you because of Jesus. The father is helpless when you have Jesus inside you. And you also deserve the name Innocent because thats how God sees you when you let Jesus cleanse you. Your friend, Grantley

[From Anne] You told us before that we can create a safe place. Well I Net-Burst.Net never knew that I had this power before but I thought I would try because FF I mean Honest was so scared last week. The closer it got to church time, the more and more scared he became. When we got there last week, he was really really freaked out. I have never seen him so panicked. I tried to tell him to go to the safe place but he couldnt find it so he just ran around all crazy like. I also didnt know you could help an alter sleep but I read it from your website so I thought if he slept he wouldnt have to think about his fear and he could just wake up and be there and hopefully be safe. We finally communicated with each other!!! Happy dance!! But I dont know what he faces inside his head. The father talks to him that is all I know. He talks to you most, Grantley. He used to scare me so much. I never saw him get scared before, let alone wild freaked out, so it must be something awful that bothers him. I am sorry I dont know more. But he met Jesus today! Things are looking up!! Take care

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Net-Burst.Net [From Anne] To Friend, Today Honest, an alter of mine, and I finally had success with team work together. It rocked!! He talked to me. He never talks to me!! Jenny is very wise to teach alters about the importance of team work. She is amazing alter if you ask me. She was telling someone else before about having alters all get together each day to meet and touch base. I am holding on to the idea until I can make it work for us. Right now I am just meeting alters and trying to get their memories and handle it so this is a long term goal. Take care and God bless Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: Today Honest, an alter of mine, and I finally had success with Net-Burst.Net team work together. It rocked!! He talked to me. He never talks to me!! Im so thrilled about this!

[From Anne] We have a serious problem here Grantley. There is a very destructive force hurting Honest. He is in real trouble. Whatever it is, it does more than just talk. Honest gets the 101

worst of it, but I feel it near right now. It clouds my focus so I cannot see straight to write. I dont know what to do. Honest got control this morning and was trying to cut himself. I dont know if there is anything you can do because Honest will not come out right now to talk to you or me. It isnt safe. But I have to ask. What do we do?

[From Blessing] Hi Anne, Net-Burst.Net My name is Blessing. Friend asked me to write you. I am a warrior alter, even though I am only 3 years old. Did you know that as children of God we have been given authority over demons? When you talked about the cloudiness you had we knew right away that it was demonic. We are children of the King. All kings who are worth anything have enemies. These enemies are going to try to kill, steal and destroy the King and what belongs to him. One of the ways this happens is through attacking the children of the King. History shows us that many kings have had to build fortresses and hire armies to protect just one child! I am writing a bit fast, sorry about that, but you are in need of this information now. We have a fortress. You need to get into it. The key is our words. Our words are the army that protects us. We have authority to bind any and all demons. The words that bind demons are our swords. I carry my sword around with me all the time. Demons want to stop God. They will try to get at God through us, his kids. You can take the name of Jesus and stop those demons dead in their tracks. You can bind them and you can loose the angels to protect your fellow alters. Any attack on any of your alters is an attack against you. When one of my sister alters gets attacked they get Net-Burst.Net confused. I attack back and stop the demons. You can do that, too. This is part of teamwork. 102

By the authority invested in you through Jesus death and resurrection, you have the very Spirit of God in you. Use that authority and let the Spirit of God go to work for you. Sorry this e-mail is hastily written, but I understand how urgent it is. Your Friend, Blessing

[From Grantley] This must be a demon. Clouding ones thinking is typical of demons. Jesus is so much stronger than demons. They are not to be feared. In fact, Christy has some alters (one 3 years old and one 5 years old) who love fighting demons and see them run off, terrified of them. The father had demons causing him to do the horrible things he did. It seems that either through his deliberate plan or through the demons initiative, one or more entered into dear Honest in an attempt to enslave him. But Jesus is the great Liberator. Creating a safe place within is good but it wont work with demons. I asked you to read Imaginary Friends because that is about one group members successful battle with demons. Susan has a Secret is also helpful because it explains how even little alters have authority to send demons packing. Please also see Satan and Evil Spirits: You Can Beat Them Both Anne and Honest and as many other alters as possible need to prayerfully read these webpages. Even more important is to stay close to Jesus and to ask for his help and guidance. He is very keen to see this demon or demons evicted but he prefers to do it WITH you rather than do it all by himself. Bless you!

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It hurts so much I cant breathe or see straight. Jesus name. Jesus name. Gotta go Anne Net-Burst.Net

[From Grantley] You wrote: It hurts so much I cant breathe or see straight. This is all bluff. Jesus will keep you safe. You belong to Jesus. He is in you and that makes you so much more powerful than any demon. Rebuke the demon and keep telling him he must go because you and Honest belong to Jesus. Day 17

[From Anne] You wrote: Even more important is to stay close to Jesus and to ask for his help and guidance. He is very keen to see this demon or demons evicted but he prefers to do it WITH you rather than do it all by himself. Net-Burst.Net I will try. It is too hard to talk now but I will try this hard to involve Jesus. Thanks Anne

[From Anne]

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Thanks for your words, Blessing. The father used to just bother Honest but since Honest and I have been working together as a team, he bothers both of us. I am better able to deal with him than Honest so this is a good thing. But I dont feel like a warrior blessing but maybe I should. The father is pure evil as I am sure all demons are. He tells me over and over again that I am bad he hurt Honest sexually and tries to hurt me too. I cant talk about it right now. It is too painful to talk about. I try to rebuke him in Jesus name but he doesnt listen which might be my fault because when the father is near, I feel overwhelmed by his powerful presence. I am disorientated, I cant see straight, and I cant focus enough to be able to, read, write, or think clearly. His presence is so strong that I feel him inside my body. my heart beats really fast, I feel strangely tired, and so lost that I cannot figure out what is me and what is him. He takes my breath away that I feel like I cant breathe. Regardless, I still try to be a warrior and push him back in Jesus name but at best I can only temporarily push him back. He is a powerful force. He responds to me mainly by either trying to convince me Honest likes it. Honest is so hurt and terrified that he doesnt stay conscious. He DOESNT LIKE IT. Or he uses his words to put me down. The father doesnt like us talking about him. Things will get worse in Anne land if he knows about it so I must go. But just so you know Honest, who always got the worst end, is sleeping quietly. He is fine right now. We together celebrate a small victory that we can push him back if even only temporary. Thanks for the words of wisdom, Blessing. Remembering that we are children of the King is a good reason to keep trying to get rid of the father and all of his evilness! Anne PS: Please tell Friend thanks, too. God bless, Anne Net-Burst.Net PSS: You are an amazing 3 year old. I am glad we met. God Bless

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[From Anne] Hi Ian, I will tell you what this demon thing feels like but I cant right now. Anne

[From Honest in same e-mail] Hi Ian, did you pray for me too? Well thanks. I am better now but I am very tired. I think I will need to sleep now. Honest

Net-Burst.Net [From Anne] Im so thrilled about this! We couldnt do it without your help, Thanks Anne

[From Honest in same e-mail] Hi Grantley I like the name Brave. I am brave arent I! That wasnt a question. I promise I know the answer. But I am not innocent. I am bad and the father agrees with me too. I have 106

to go I am very tired. The father hurt me. I dont want to talk about it except to say I cried so much and nothing happened when I cried. But I didnt get to read about it on your web pages yet. Net-Burst.Net Bye Grantley friend Honest

[From Grantley] Hi, My Friend! Thank you so much for writing. You wrote: I like the name Brave. I am brave arent I! Indeed! But I am not innocent. All of us did bad things in the past but Jesus is so powerful that he can make anyone who believes in him to be totally innocent in the eyes of God who is the Judge of all humanity. Jesus achieved what seems impossible by taking all our guilt upon himself and paying the full, awful penalty for our wrongdoing so that we no longer have to be punished for our sins. Instead God now sees us as being as perfect and innocent as Jesus, who has never, ever done anything wrong. This is so amazing that it seems impossible and yet it is true. Net-Burst.Net Here are some Bible verses about it: 1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders (10) nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. That sounds as if there is no hope, but read on: (11) And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name 107

of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! Hebrews 8:12 For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. Acts 3:19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord Isaiah 44:22 I have swept away your offences like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. 1 John 3:5 But you know that he [Jesus] appeared so that Net-Burst.Net he might take away our sins. . . . Isaiah 1:18 Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be [white] like wool. . . . Psalm 103:12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Isaiah 43:25 I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more Jeremiah 33:8 I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. 1 John 1:7 . . . the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin Ezekiel 36:25 . . . I will cleanse you from all your impurities . . . On the cross, Jesus traded places with me. He has taken all my blame and given me his holiness. Because Jesus swapped places with me, I am sinless in the eyes of my Judge. Isaiah 53:4 Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by Net-Burst.Net him, and afflicted. (5) But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (6) We all, like sheep, have gone 108

astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all. . . .(8) . . . For he was cut off from the land of the living; for the transgression of my people he was stricken. (9) He was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth. (10) Yet it was the LORDs will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand. (11) . . . by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities. (12) . . .he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors. Romans 5:6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. (7) Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. (8) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (9) Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from Gods wrath through him! (10) For if, when we were Gods enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Hebrews 9:28 so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people 1 Peter 3:18 For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. . . . 2 Corinthians 5:21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. Romans 3:22 This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, (23) for all have sinned . . .(24) and all are justified freely by his grace . . . -----------All of the above applies to EVERYONE who trusts Jesus to do it. The Bible insists that there are no exceptions. For proof that it applies to everyone (and so applies to you) and for very many more Bible verses saying that Jesus makes you innocent, see Its True! Youre Forgivable: A Sample of the 109

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Bible Proof I am bad and the father agrees with me too. He wants to trick you into thinking you cannot be made innocent because he knows that if you realize that God who Net-Burst.Net is always right declares you innocent, then you will be free from him. The father hurt me. You dont have to accept this. Stay close to Jesus and let him protect you. Your friend, Grantley Day 18

[From Anne] Wow, Grantley that is a lot of scripture but you can be sure we read them ALL! Honest is sleeping right now. He was very tired but we read them together. He thought you quoted half the Bible. of course, I had to laugh, Hee hee, yeah close to it, huh. Sending you my love, Anne and Honest (in spirit) Net-Burst.Net

[From Blessing] Hi Anne, Just so you know: this demon is like a very spoiled brat. He has had his way and has fed upon your fear and pain. It is like telling a spoiled child to clean his room. That child might scream and throw a fit, but he knows he has to do it. The fit is to distract you and to throw you off guard. 110

The Bible says to put on the armor of God. Ephesians 6:11-18 says: Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield Net-Burst.Net of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Putting on the armor of God means embracing the wonderful good person you are in Christ. Sometimes that is very hard for us. We used to tell ourselves over and over, Im bad! Im bad! Im bad! To overcome this lie we have to sing to each other a song that God taught us. It says we are Daddy Gods good child. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says: God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. That is our calling. We are taken out of darkness and given to Father God to abide him and have the fullness of him in us. The demon lies. He is trying to trick you. I know it is very confusing. Our protector alter, Jenny, went through this haze and would hear tormenting voices. Then one day she and the rest of us got really angry. We were tired of being beat up by some lying jerk claiming to have power over us. Net-Burst.Net Jenny stomped her foot, called that demon a liar and we kicked him out. That spoiled brat knew it was over. Tell him to go back to the pit in the name of Jesus and dont come back! You are going on for God. The games are over. 111

You can do this a few times, if need be, and each victory will make you stronger. I am pleased for the victory you have had. We are praying for you. Friend says hello. She is helping some of the other alters and is helping me write this. Friend is three years old too, but youd never know it! She is amazing. Your Friends, Blessing and Friend

[From Anne] Hi, Blessing and Friend, You wrote: It is like telling a spoiled child to clean his room. That child might scream and throw a fit, but he knows he has to do it. Net-Burst.Net The fit is to distract you and to throw you off guard. But it feels so much worse than a spoiled brat. He affects me in such a powerful way. Right now it is quiet. But experience tells me it will come back when I am tired or sick or stressed, I am sure Putting on the armor of God means embracing the wonderful good person you are in Christ. I am one of the Sunday school teachers in my church and we are teaching the kids about the full armor of God but I never thought of it like that. Can I just say, it is such a blessing to know people such as yourself and others in this group because the people from the church teach about God and they are like family to me, but they cannot even begin to understand how to apply scriptures to someone with multiple personalities. For example, the pastor on Tuesday night was talking about how all sorts of different people need God for different reasons. But he could never understand how one person can need God for all of the reasons he listed. He can only 112

understand how the Bible applies to each persons life as a separate person but because of all my alters of both genders and different ages I am more complex than that and I benefit hugely from getting Godly points of view from people like myself. Net-Burst.Net God bless with Love, Anne

[From Helen] Dear Anne and Honest, My heart goes out to you both! Father God, I join my heart and my prayers with the rest of our group as we lift Anne and Honest up to You! Father God, in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ we come against the vicious attacks by this person (being). Lord, thank you for the fight that Anne and Honest are putting up. But Lord, we want more than a temporary setback of this evil person. We long to see Anne and Honest totally delivered from him! And so I pray Psalm 91 for Honest and Anne! Net-Burst.Net Honest and Anne, who dwell in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Honest and Anne, will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust. Surely you will save Honest and Anne, from the fowlers snare and from the deadly pestilence. You will cover Honest and Anne with your feathers, and under your wings they will find refuge; Your faithfulness will be their shield and rampart. Honest and Anne will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. . . . 113

Because Honest and Anne make the Most High their dwelling even the LORD, who is their refuge then no harm will befall them, no disaster will come near their tent. For you will command your angels concerning Honest and Anne to guard them in all their ways; they will lift Honest and Anne up in their hands, so that they will not strike their feet against a stone. Because Honest and Anne love me, says the LORD, I will rescue them; I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name. They will call upon me, and I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will deliver them and honor them. With long life will I satisfy them and show them my salvation. Net-Burst.Net In Jesus Name, Amen Bless you! Helen Day 19 [No messages] Day 20

[From Anne] Some days I am less sad about all of the hurt we have experienced because without it, my relationship with God would be just like everyone else. I dont mean that God loves me any more than the next person. I just mean because we have been through so much hurt, we depend on God more than the average person. He honors that and touches our live deeper than the average person who doesnt have so many hurts, I think. Bye Anne Net-Burst.Net

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[From father] {Sent to me direct by private e-mail} Subject: *#!%@ [FFs foul name] belongs with me!! You had no reason to turn the boy on me, Grant*#!%@ley!! Youre an *#!%@ prick. But whos laughing now. This system belongs to me. You will never defeat me and they will never find me so *#!%@ the *#!%@ dude. *#!%@ [FFs foul name] belongs with me and I will come back for the boy. I dont give a *#!%@ what he told you, we are one in the same. He is not the good little boy you picture him to be so stay out the *#!%@ of our business *#!%@. Get a life of your own. Father Day 21

Net-Burst.Net [From father] {Sent via the group} Grantley, I sent you a message. I need to know if you didnt get it so I can send it to the right place. Father

[From Grantley] Subject: To Everyone, especially Anne and Honest The demon who had been tricking Honest has sent me a private e-mail. He calls himself father but God is now Honests father and the demon is totally displaced. Heres my reply, which Im sure you and all of heaven agree with: 115

Hi, loser! Great to hear from you because this is my chance to inform you that Honest (he has a new name because Jesus has made him new) belongs to Jesus and Jesus is so much more powerful than you that it is laughable. Likewise, Anne and the Net-Burst.Net others belong to Jesus and unlike you they are pure, innocent and holy because of Jesus. They have Jesus power and authority, as well as Jesus holiness. That means you dont have a chance. You are a liar and nothing but bluff. You are totally defeated by what Jesus achieved on the cross by dying in Honests place. Jesus is your biggest nightmare and now Honest has him as his personal protector. You have no choice but to flee. Like Anne and Honest, I have a life, thank you very much and because of Jesus that life is eternal whereas you are destined to hell. If you want your torment to start right now, then just hang around. Honest belongs to Jesus, loser! His father is now God and you have no place at all in his life. Day 22

[From Anne] I dont even know what to say!! I hope this time you will accept my apology. You do not deserve this. I do not know how to get rid of the father. I can push him back but he hides. I spent most of the day at church doing youth activities so he wasnt around. The father does not stay Net-Burst.Net for church. But I know he is tormenting Honest. Honest will not come out and talk about it either. But last night he was stuck inside his body. He couldnt get away to get help. And he couldnt remember what he was supposed to say to get rid of the father. I fear I am not much help either because I can only push him back at best. At some point he goes out of my reach. He is a strong force and he is not just bluffing either. It is hard to get rid of him. I am out of ideas. I feel him near. My head hurts. I have to go.

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Anne

[From Honest (formerly FF)] Grantley, I didnt want to talk about the father. He has been mean and hurtful. But he taught me something that I wanted to tell you about it. The *#!%@ father came last night. Have you ever felt your body but you cant move it? I felt like that. I was stuck inside me. I couldnt move and my voice wouldnt make noise. Net-Burst.Net But that is not what I wanted to tell you about. I want to tell you, I finally know what you meant by it is revenge to not be like the father. I get it now. I will tell you more later. Bye Honest Day 23

[From Honest (formerly FF)] We are finally free. Last night the father wanted me to sex the kids. My whole heart said that is wrong. So I tried to make the father go away in Jesus name. She was staying close and we made him go away. We had to work a long time to get rid of the father. His screams are very scary. Grantley, I always wanted the father out of my head. Now he is gone and I miss the father a little bit. What is wrong with me? Am I turning into him? Maybe miss him isnt the right words. The father is the only father I have known. He always taught me things. I dont know Jesus very well. I dont know how to be me. I might be turning into him? Grantley can I ask you another question? When the father Net-Burst.Net wanted me to sex the kids, it felt wrong in my heart. Will sexing people always feel wrong in my heart? Anne said told me before that sex is for people that love each other. Well I

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do admit it but I am a little bit confused. Honest

[From Grantley] Hi, Honest! Congratulations! I am so proud of you! You wrote: We are finally free. Fantastic! I celebrate with you the victory you have had through Jesus. my whole heart said that is wrong. Yes. That is because through Jesus your heart is pure, like Jesus heart. Deep down you want to do what is kind and what is right. So I tried to make the father go away in Jesus name. Superb! and we made him go away. Excellent! we had to work a long time to get rid of the father. Yes, this is what I expected. It is typical of demons. They know they have to leave but they pretend to be big and strong even though they are actually terrified of you because they know that because of Jesus you are much stronger than them. As I said they try to bluff us and they try to give the false impression that they will never leave even though inside they know they have to leave. His screams are very scary. They try to bluff us but in reality he was the one who was scared.

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Grantley, I always wanted the father out of my head. Yes. Now he is gone and I miss the father a little bit. Net-Burst.Net This is normal. It is like a drug addict wanting to be free from drugs and yet even when he is delivered from them there are still times when he craves them and during those times it is very important that he stay strong and not give in to the craving or else hell be in a mess again. As you keep resisting the urge to let the demon return, however, the desire will get weaker. This demon he is in no sense your father, so I dont like calling him by that name has totally lost, but no demon likes losing a victim like you were so he will wait until you are tired or you let your guard down a bit and then he will come back and try to bluff his way back into your life. Hell try to scare you or seduce you. I am warning you ahead of time so that you will not be surprised when it happens. It is normal because thats how demons act. But you are stronger than him and as you refuse to listen to his lies and you command him to leave in Jesus name, he will be forced to leave. the father is the only father I have known. It is important that you make Jesus your father. Jesus, not this demon, is your real father. Jesus is good and safe and will only tell you the truth. He will love you and approve of you and teach you. Even though you have not been aware of Jesus he has known you all your life. He fully understands you. You are no stranger to him! He longs not just to be the best father you could ever have but your best friend. You mean everything to him. I dont know how to be me. Net-Burst.Net It will be a little strange at first but this is a new and wonderful time for you. Jesus will give you the courage to be yourself and he will give you all the support you need. Will sexing people always feel wrong in my heart? This demon might try to trick you so that some time it might not feel wrong. What matters is not what it feels like but what God says. He says that sex is good when it is between a man and woman who are married to each other and devoted to each other for life and are gentle and patient with each other. He says that sex in other circumstances is sick.

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Feel free to ask me any questions you wish, my friend. Grantley

[From Anne] I am happy happy, happy dance, that the father is gone now. But 30 seconds after he left more alters came to chat. Hi my name is Sheila. Am I glad to be free! I am 9. I dont have a mom and dad. I was born in the rain. I stayed near the street light by the house until the father found me. I was Net-Burst.Net cold and hungry but he gave me warm closet and food. He taught me about sex and growing up. I know kids have to sex with their parents but didnt really like sex. It hurt me. I am an evil girl. But I have a friend who lives near me. Her name is She. She tricks people to think she is Anne. She said big people will freak out to know her. She taught me to read. We play together when the father is gone. I have to go back to the dark now. The light creeps me out. It makes me feel like something will jump out at me, scary. The light hurts my eyes. Darkness is safer. Thanks for setting me free. Hi my name is David. I am free? I want the father back. I will get in trouble for talking about the wrong things. I cant be free. I dont want it. What is safe to tell? What is secret? Oh no, I forgot to ask the father what I can talk about if I meet someone. Please come back father. Wait, I know, he told me never talk to strangers. But I have to know, why is my daddy gone? I am very scared to be alone. I dont know how to grow up. Will strangers hurt me? Please come back father. Okay okay, I can do this. I will wait in the front closet until you come back, father. The closet will calm me. Please come home, father.

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You wrote: But 30 seconds after he left more alters came to chat. Im not surprised. They were too scared to come out. There is much healing that they need and they couldnt heal while they were so scared. As they come out they will have pain and distress that will wash over you for a little while but they will heal and will find freedom from what has been hurting them all their lives. Hi my name is Sheila. Im so happy to meet you, Sheila! am I glad to be free! Im glad for you, too. I dont have a mom and dad. You deserve a good mom and dad. Anne would make a good mom for you and Jesus is the perfect dad. I know kids have to sex with their parents but didnt really like sex. it hurts me. It hurts you because God never intended for any child to have sex. He says that parents should never have sex with their children. Anyone who makes a child have sex is breaking Gods law and breaking Gods heart. God never wanted you to hurt. He wants you to be safe. He wants you to experience kindness and gentleness and to be liked and approved of and respected. He is on your side. He believes in you. I am an evil girl. No, you were forced to do things you did not want to do. Ask Jesus and he will instantly make you into a good girl whom God likes and looks after. Jesus is safe and will never have sex with you or hurt you in any way. but I have a friend who lives near me. Her name is She. It is great to hear about her. Im so glad she taught you to read. she said big people will freak out to know her.

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I wont. Some people dont understand but everyone in this group understands. we play together when the father is gone Great! Net-Burst.Net I have to go back to the dark now. The light creeps me out. It makes me feel like something will jump out at me, scary. The light hurts my eyes. Darkness is safer. It will take a while to get used to the light but its safe in the light now. thanks for setting me free. It was Jesus who did that and he would love to be your friend. ------------Hi my name is David. Im so pleased to hear from you, David. I am free? Yes, you are free to do whatever you wish and you are safe. I want the father back. The father was almost all that you knew and you didnt realize that the father was bad and that he wanted to hurt you. You deserve to be safe and have fun and enjoy life. You deserve to be listened to and believed and respected. You deserve kindness. The father would give you none of that. Net-Burst.Net Why do you want the father back? I will get in trouble for talking about the wrong things. There is no one to hurt you now. You really are safe. What is safe to tell? What is secret? Oh no, I forgot to ask the father what I can talk about if I meet someone. The father didnt want you to tell because he knew that he (not you) would get into trouble if you told and he knew that you would discover that he was bad and was a liar. He wanted you quiet only because he wanted to hurt you.

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why is my daddy gone? I know this is confusing for you right now it will get clearer soon but he was not your daddy. He was only pretending to be your daddy trying to trick you. No one will hurt you, dear one. You are now safe and there are people here now who will be good friends with you and make you happy and not hurt you in any way. Your friend, Grantley

Net-Burst.Net [From Anne] Thank you, Group, for all of your prayers. They finally paid off. The father is finally gone. HAPPY DANCE, if even only for a minute!! Anne and Family

[From Grantley] You can be free from that demon forever. He will try to bluff his way back in again but you dont have to let him. You can keep him out forever. It is important that you encourage dear Honest to become close friends with Jesus and to make Jesus his father. Day 24

[From Honest (formerly FF)] Hi, Ian. Thanks for the prayers. I missed you. I havent got to Net-Burst.Net talk to you for a long time. I hate to admit but I was hiding today, all day. Anne asked me to help her write so I agreed to come out. I 123

know this is supposed to be a good time for me to finally be free. I am happy, too. But all of a sudden, I got my identity taken away from me. I didnt know how much the father controlled me until he wasnt there and I didnt know what to do anymore because I am so used to him telling me. I dont know how to handle freedom. Anne and Grantley told me I just need time and to stay close to Jesus but I am a little bit scared. Okay, I lied. I am a lot scared. Because I dont want to be like the father but I dont know how else to be. Take care, Ian and thanks for the prayers. I hope you dont go away from me. Honest

[From Ian] Heyyyy Honest! Net-Burst.Net So good to hear from you! Unfortunately, people suddenly released from the grip of a demon often find themselves feeling a little lost. Usually because, exactly as you said, they had noooo idea how much they were being controlled until after the demon was gone. It is wonderful that YOU, and not someone else, told him to leave. Good for you! I know that can be really scary. Im proud of you. And already you are very much different than the father. You are not cruel, you are caring and kind. You are not deceitful you are honest. It will take some getting used to. Basically, youre going to learn to be . . . you! :) A big help will be doing exactly what youre doing now coming out and bravely sharing where youre at. The most important part is clinging to Jesus, because he will carefully and gently show you what to do next. Youve got a lifelong walk ahead of you. Ill tell you right now, its an exciting walk. Its challenging, its fulfilling. It will have hardships (Ive certainly seen my fair share!) but Jesus will never let you go, and thats what makes all the difference in the world. 124

So what Id suggest is dont just share with us, but with Jesus. Tell us what Jesus is saying to you. Its so good to hear from you chat later, eh! Still praying . . . Net-Burst.Net Ian

[From Anne] Hi Ian. Thanks for your support with all the alters too. I will try to teach them about Jesus and be there for them as much as I know how so you have good advice. Do you have any good jokes? I miss your funny jokes. Hee Hee. Take care, friend. Anne {Ian e-mailed some jokes}

[From Honest (formerly FF)] Thanks for your help Grantley. I was wrong about you and I am sorry. I hope you are smiling right now because I never Net-Burst.Net told someone I was sorry before. It feels strange to me. But I mean it to feel good for you. I will stay close with Jesus. He makes me feel safe. He is so amazing how he can make me feel safe and not even say one word. But not today. I hate to tell people when I am scared. I dont want to be scared. But today I had to hide all day. I dont want to be like the father but I dont know how not to be either. It is hard for me to describe what is happening inside of me but Anne stayed close to me. We dont really talk but we 125

dont need words either. I think she knew why I needed to hide and she didnt stop me. She looks out for me like a big sister. I like it too. It is cool that we can just be together and dont have to talk. I think that is a special relationship. But maybe it sounds strange but I dont know. But Anne is a girl so it is hard for her to help me. Well thanks for the help, Grantley. I still dont understand how you know so much but maybe I dont need to either. Bye Grantley

Net-Burst.Net [From Grantley] Hi, My Friend! You wrote: Thanks for your help Grantley. I was wrong about you and I am sorry. Thats so kind of you, dear friend. We all make mistakes and that demon was trying his hardest to trick you. I hope you are smiling right now Im smiling because you are free and because you are my friend. I never told someone I was sorry before. I thought that might be the case. Im proud of you! I will stay close with Jesus. That is the secret of a wonderful life. He makes me feel safe. Wonderful! More important, still, is that even if he doesnt FEEL close, he is. He has promised never to leave you. And Net-Burst.Net even if you were to feel scared you are still safe because of him. He is so amazing how he can make me feel safe and not even 126

say one word. Beautiful! She looks out for me like a big sister. You deserve a big sister and youve got the best father in the world Jesus. It is cool that we can just be together and not dont have to talk. I think that is a special relationship. Indeed! I still dont understand how you know so much Jesus loves you and so he helped me. Bless you, my friend! Grantley

Net-Burst.Net [From Honest (formerly FF)] Hi, Ian, I am not hiding today. I liked your jokes. I thought they were kind of funny. :) Honest PS: Thanks again for my name, Ian. I tell everyone that is my name. Smile Bye Ian, Honest

[From Honest (formerly FF)] You were right, the father tried to come back but we pushed him way. I have a bad feeling he will come back again. It is 127

hard to push him away but I didnt hide today. And Ian sent us funny jokes that made us laugh. I have a question and I hope it doesnt sound dumb to you. Last night, Annes daughter was taking a bath. And Anne went in to wash her hair. Well, the kid said she was having a Net-Burst.Net staring contest with God and he won. You might think she is a crazy kid to pretend but I dont think she was pretending. I think God was with her in the bathtub. And I very much with all of my heart am jealous because I wish he would come and be with me in the same way but I am not kid. I dont know what to say even if he will be with me. I dont even know how to play. I never played staring contest before but I so badly wish he could come and play with me too. I dont even know how to ask him. I am scared he will say no. and it will make me a little bit sad. Am I too big to ask him to be with me in the same way? Do you think I can ask him to be with me too? I am so glad Jesus helps you, Grantley Bye, Honest

[From Grantley] You wrote: Net-Burst.Net You were right the father tried to come back but we pushed him way. Superb! I have a bad feeling he will come back again. He probably will, but heres your chance for another type of revenge. Youve utterly turned the tables on him. Instead of him ordering you around, Jesus has made you HIS master. You are now ordering that slimy trickster around and guess what? He hates it and tries every trick he can think of but he ends up having to OBEY you and he leaves!! Think of it!! Isnt that one of the most exciting things in the universe? What a 128

transformation! You can be like Blessing. She LOVES it when demons appear. This is her chance for revenge. Instead of her and other alters cowering in fear like they used to, those pathetic trespassers are scared of her. And even though he tries to hide it and act tough that demon is SCARED of you, Honest, like a tough gangster would be scared of a baby who points a loaded gun at him. it is hard to push him away Hes reluctant to acknowledge that you are boss. Hes hoping that he might bluff you into thinking the gun you hold isnt loaded. The gun is the authority and power over demons that Jesus has given you and it is fully loaded and terrifying Net-Burst.Net to demons. but I didnt hide today. Im proud of you. And Ian gave us funny jokes that made us laugh. You have lots to laugh about, my friend. You are free and clean and pure and loved of God and through Jesus you are stronger than any demon in the universe. I have a question Thank you for asking. I think God was with her in the bathtub. Quite possibly. And I very much with all of my heart am jealous Im thrilled that you are because having God as your best friend who plays with you in a safe way is the most wonderful thing in the universe. I wish he would come and be with me in the same way but I am not a kid. You are Gods kid and he loves you as much as he loves Net-Burst.Net anyone in the universe. He wants to be your best friend and have fun with you.

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I dont know what to say even if he will be with me. He longs to come to you, but he is almost shy not because he doesnt have the power to force himself upon you but because he is not an abuser and he never forces himself on you but patiently waits for you to invite him. Just ask him. I dont even know how to play. That doesnt matter. God knows and hed love to teach you. He might have some suggestions that are better than a staring contest. You never have to be embarrassed with God. He thinks the world of you. You are now innocent and perfect in his eyes. I am scared he will say no. I understand but he wants to be your best friend even more than you want it. Am I too big to ask him to be with me in the same way? Not in the slightest. God wants us to be like children with him and not think we are too old to have fun with him. Christys alter, Little Christy, knows Daddy God very well and she says that he is a kid at heart. Heres what Jesus said: Matthew 18:3 And he said: I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. do you think I can ask him to be with me too? Absolutely! God can hardly wait for you to ask! I am so glad Jesus helps you, Grantley Thank you. Im so glad about it but he helps you, too. It is only because of Jesus being in you that that nasty demon obeyed you and left. Your friend, Grantley

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Important Explanation of What Happened Next Unlike God, the devil is finite. He cannot be in every place at once. So he could personally tempt some people Eve and Jesus are obvious examples but he could not personally Net-Burst.Net whisper different temptations in the ears of countless people around the world at the same time. It must be his underlings demons who usually tempt us. So when we battle temptation, we are battling demons. This makes it logical to suppose that a brief look at temptation might throw light on what Honest was facing. When a Christian is strongly addicted to a particular sin, the omnipotent Lord has two options. He can display his power by a miraculous, instant deliverance from the addiction, with little or no effort from the Christian, or he can display his wisdom by allowing the person to endure many battles in which the Christian slowly learns how to defeat the Tempter by abiding in Christ and drawing upon his power. In Lifes Mysteries Explained I carefully explain what makes the second option so wise. Basically, even though initially the Christian often seems to grow weaker, it eventually builds into the Christian true Christlikeness in a way that no miraculous deliverance could achieve. You will probably need to read the webpage to grasp this fully but I raise this because the same principle applies to deliverance from demons. As I had warned Honest and Anne, the demon tried to bluff his way back into dominating Honest. This caught Honest and Anne off guard. It not only rattled them, but Honest was already weakened by his groundless fear that Jesus might reject him. So the demons bluff worked, causing Honest and Anne to temporarily lose faith in their ability through Christ to Net-Burst.Net evict the demon. A fast exchange of e-mails between Honest and Anne and the rest of the group ensued so fast, in fact, that they didnt get a chance to read some e-mails before sending more. Time zone differences added to confusion. This is why some e-mails took a while to have their full effect in re-building Honests and Annes faith. For further strengthening of your faith in your ability to expel demons, the following makes valuable reading. It is far better to get strong in faith before attacks than to try to pick up the pieces afterwards. If, however, you are sure of your authority 131

over demons you can skip down to here.

Day 25 [From father] {Sent to me direct by private e-mail} Guess what loser, I win. Did you really think I would give up on *#!%@ [FFs foul name] so easy? *#!%@ [FFs foul name] belongs to me *#!%@ and you cant do *#!%@ about it. You will never get rid of me. I belong here!! Face the facts!! But what I really want to know is, why the *#!%@ do you even pretend to care? Annes parents and family doesnt give a *#!%@. They all belong to me. The dumb ass husband is too stupid to know *#!%@, let alone care, Anne doesnt give a rip *#!%@ about you or *#!%@ [FFs foul name], but even if she did, *#!%@ you, I belong here. The dumb whore doesnt even know I am back here. And *#!%@ [FFs foul name], he doesnt belong in your world. He cant do *#!%@ without my telling him what to do but he doesnt need to because *#!%@ [having sex] is the only business he needs to know. So what the *#!%@ makes you so damn special? Walk away Grant*#!%@ley!! No one will care. You know I am right here. *#!%@ [FFs foul name], and all those other little brats, needs me!! But just to be play nice, I will make you a deal. You walk away because you know it is the right choice, no one else gives a *#!%@ here so why should you? And I will release the other five brat *#!%@ who belong to me, free and clear. And I will never bother you again. This is a good deal and you know it! I suggest you take the deal because *#!%@ [FFs foul name] is a wimpy kid who only knows how to *#!%@ [have sex]. I give his pathetic life a purpose. He WILL grow up just like me. He just doesnt know it yet. But you know, I could Net-Burst.Net just make the little *#!%@ *#!%@ [FFs foul name] cut his wrist same as the *#!%@s father. *#!%@ [FFs foul name] belongs to me *#!%@ so back the *#!%@ off. 132

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[From Grantley] To Anne, Honest, the demon and Everyone, Under the illusion that I would back down, the demon has sent me a private e-mail. Unlike him, I am making this completely public to the group. We who have Jesus within us dont back down from puny demons. They are defeated and full of lies. Neither do we abandon our friends. I call upon the entire group to stand with you, Anne, Honest and the other parts who make up the whole person. None of you have the slightest thing to fear. Cling to Jesus and you are safe. Rejoice in the fact that Jesus loves you and totally cleanses and empowers everyone who comes to him. Anne and Honest, I am here for you but you dont need me. All you need is Jesus and he is always with you. Just believe in his power over every demon. I dont want you to imagine that you dont have the power that I do. You have it because, like me, you have Jesus. It doesnt matter what you feel. You Net-Burst.Net might feel guilty, weak, hopeless, or whatever. Feelings are deceptive and open to demonic manipulation but Jesus never changes. Dont listen to your feelings and dont listen to the demon. He is nothing but a lying trespasser and you have used your divine authority and power to evict him and you can use that same power to keep him out. Instead, listen to Jesus. He says that you belong to him and that he has defeated all demons. He could do it all himself but he trusts you and believes in you. He wants you to have some fun by seeing demons cower before you. The demon doesnt believe in you nor does he empower you. Jesus does both. In the e-mail this demon said that Anne does not care about me. Im glad he told that lie because it is easy for Anne to know that he is lying about her. Just remember that everything else he says is just as big a lie. Likewise, he will be trying to tell you that I dont care about you. If that were so, I would be getting some much-needed rest instead of writing to you and encouraging you. If I were in this for my own glory, I would be acting like the big tough deliverer and treating you as weak and incompetent. But, like Jesus, I 133

believe in you and I want to see you empowered, just like Blessing has been empowered and loves making demons run. Honest, this liar says you cant do anything without him. You have proved him to be a liar over and over by you repeatedly e-mailing me when this demon hated you doing it and by you Net-Burst.Net meeting with Jesus despite the fear the demon put on you and by you compelling the demon to leave. You are courageous, Honest. You have pushed through fear and done what is right. You have conquered. I am proud of you. This liar has no power over you. Its as though he were holding a gun to your head and so you obeyed him for years, thinking you had no choice, but now you know that Jesus has unloaded the gun. You have purpose, Honest. Your calling is to make God proud of you and you will achieve this over and over. You will rescue other alters and achieve great things in union with Jesus. Honest and Anne, try to help David, the alter who felt lost without this demon. He very much needs your support and encouragement. None of you needs this demon. Just as the David in the Bible killed the giant, so David is a giant-killer even though he is only just beginning to realize it. Below is what the liar wrote. I include it only because I trust you and because I have no secrets and because this demons words are totally empty and worthless. He is pathetic. He calls himself father but Jesus is your father. Your friend and brother in Christ, Grantley {I pasted here the demons e-mail that he sent me, as it appears above.} Net-Burst.Net

[From Honest] I want to go jump off a bridge now . . . I dont want to keep fighting him off. You dont understand. I know he is wrong that I am not like him but he will not let up off me. I spend my whole life trying to push him away out of my head and rebel against him. Now he left, I am lost. I lost my identity of who I am. He was so much a part of me. Now I feel a little bit worthless because I dont even know why. I 134

just want to cry. Last night, I wanted so much to ask Jesus to help me but I was really scared that he will say no. It doesnt matter how much you tell me he wont, it doesnt stop me from having fear. Honestly, I dont know how the father got back inside. I didnt consciously let him. Today all of a sudden, I felt really sick like I was going to throw up. I felt him inside of me and I tried hard to run away because I didnt know how to be strong like him and tell him to go away in Jesus name. He is wrong about what he said about us. I hate him for it but he tricks us. He just tells you words which is easy to not believe him but he tricks me. So I feel very strange inside of Net-Burst.Net me and my head feels I dont even know the words . . . I am sick of fighting him off. I dont know how any more. Anne is gone for 1 minute and he comes back. I dont know David. I dont know how to help me so I am not sure how I can help him either. I hate this life. I really hate it. Honest

[From Anne] Grantley, he is a powerful force who is exceedingly strong and hard to push off. I want him gone really bad too. He lied about us, he hurts us but he is stronger than us too. He is just words to you but not us. We feel his hurt and trickery on a much more personal level and I am not good at being strong all the time no matter how hard I try. I dont know what happen today. I couldnt stay in control because I didnt feel right inside. I couldnt stand it so I left. Honest isnt strong either and others are still hiding. They wont come out. I dont think you can understand it. You make getting rid of him sound so simple but it is not simple! I feel powerless to Net-Burst.Net stop the father right now. He will never let up unless we give up. I will keep trying to get rid of him but I dont feel able to succeed. 135

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[From Anne & Honest] Subject: To God God, I dont know what I am doing here. I dont know how to ask for help because I am really scared to ask right now. The father is strong father God. No one understands about it. I dont know the words but please understand. If you can see inside my heart, you will know, right? I feel horrible sick to my stomach to ask for help. I dont want to get hurt. The father cant hurt me because I hate him. But I dont hate you, God, which means you have the power to really hurt my heart beyond repair. We are very hurt and right now. I want it all to end. I dont want to pretend to be brave any more. I am so scared. I dont want to talk. I want to find a safe place to hide. Anne and Honest, I hate you father! In Jesus name, I want you to go away! We hate you!

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[From Grantley] You wrote: I want to go jump off a bridge now Honest, you are so precious to God and to me and you are headed for a life of fulfillment and joy. Please do not give up when you have already had victory and are so close to total victory and peace. I know he is wrong that I am not like him Excellent! You are seeing through his lies. And a critical lie you need to see through is the lie that he is stronger than you. I spend my whole life trying to push him away out of my 136

head and rebel against him. You do not have to do this in your own strength, my friend. You are Jesus friend. Call upon him. I lost my identity of who I am. Net-Burst.Net You had no identity before. You thought you were a slave of this demon and had to act like him. Now is your opportunity to make your own identity someone who is good and has dignity and brings joy to people. now I feel a little bit worthless This is just a feeling. The reality is that no one is worth more than you and you will soon discover this astounding fact. I just want to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying but the cry you are headed for is the victory cry. last night, I wanted so much to ask Jesus to help me Good. That would have made things so much easier for you. but I was really scared that he will say no. It doesnt matter how much you tell me he wont, it doesnt stop me from having fear. Thats right. Telling you doesnt stop the fear but the fear doesnt stop Jesus from loving you and wanting to help. Honestly, I dont know how he got back inside. I didnt consciously let him. Net-Burst.Net I believe you. Unfortunately, while David remains weak and possibly some other alters they can invite him back in, but it doesnt matter because Jesus in you is stronger. Just make it easy on yourself by asking for Jesus help even though it seems scary. The fear will melt when you reach out to him. I tried hard to run away You didnt have to. When you tried to run you made him feel strong. All you needed was to call out to Jesus and rebuke that trickster in Jesus name and he would be the one running.

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He is wrong about what he said about us. He knows hes wrong. As I said, he is a liar. All he knows is how to lie. I hate him for it but he tricks us. His only power is the power of bluff. See through his bluff and youve defeated him. I am sick of fighting him off. Then call out to Jesus and get rid of this deceiver. You can do it, my friend. You have far more power than you realize. Net-Burst.Net Anne is gone for 1 minute and he comes back. You dont need Anne nor me. All you need is Jesus and hes available 24/7 Here is a quote from my webpage. Please read it: {I then quoted in full the highly encouraging webpage about Gods love for every one of us and how there is no one through whom God cannot do astoundingly powerfully things: Why God Loves No-One More Than You.}

[From Grantley] To Anne Hi, sis! You wrote: Grantley he is a powerful force who is exceedingly strong and hard to push off. Without Christ, he is stronger than you, but you are not without Christ, dear one. He makes all the difference. Net-Burst.Net he lied about us Yes, like all demons, this one is all lies and his biggest lie is that he is stronger than you. When you call upon Jesus and

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rest in Jesus power, you are the one in charge. I dont think you can understand it. I understand all right. You are not the only one to face demons. The problem is that you are believing your feelings rather than believing the power of Christ. Demons mess with our feelings and give us convincing illusions but they cannot change spiritual reality, and the reality is that Christ died on your behalf and in doing so he defeated every demon in existence so that the weakest Christian can share in Christs victory and have power over the strongest of demons. I feel powerless to stop the father right now. Of course you feel powerless. All he can do is mess with your feelings. Stop believing his lies and deceit. He will never let up unless we give up. Thats utter rubbish, but if you choose to believe it then you really will lose. Faith is what gives us victory. Will you put your faith in this lowlife or in Jesus?? I will keep trying to get rid of him Net-Burst.Net Excellent. But I dont feel able to succeed. Forget your feelings, dear one, and ignore his bluff. Put your faith in Jesus. Look to him. Make Jesus and his infinite power your focus. Its not a matter of how weak you feel but how strong he is. Whether you feel it or not, you are spiritually one with the Lord of the universe. Your friend, Grantley

[From Jenny] Hi. I have been praying for you and reading your e-mails, but this one really hit home. It could have been me. I know how draining okay, utterly 139

exhausting spiritual warfare was for me. I had a demon and he messed with me in so many ways. Then getting rid of that arrogant piece of work was a task I was not up for. I never bargained that spiritual warfare can be so hard, but then warfare . . . well, the very word should Net-Burst.Net have been a clue! Anyway, one day I snapped. I mean I got so out-of-my-mind angry! This creature who has mocked my humanity, robbed my dignity, made my life utter hell was still trying to tell me what to do. I got mad. I mean ANGRY. I stomped my foot and ordered him out. The anger was intense. But you know what? He hasnt been back like that since. He took a very hard blow and didnt recover. Demons have hell to look forward to. They are going to fight to stay. Makes sense? Would they prefer to stay with a human or go to hell? Well, that isnt too hard to figure out. They dont want to go to hell, even though they picked their poison! Theyd rather you had hell instead. When I got angry and took authority with that anger I think it showed that demon that I really did mean it. Then I surrounded myself with praise music and hid under the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91). Running to God and abiding in him after those stands refreshed me and empowered me. He restored my soul! He gave me righteousness and dignity. Be strong and of good cheer, the Lord tells us because you can win. But you can also get really angry and kick hell in the butt. Net-Burst.Net Just some thoughts. Your friend, Jenny

[From Jenny] Getting rid of demons is not easy. It is a war for your soul. They have been feeding off of you and their future, which is 140

hell. They are arrogant and defeat isnt something they take lightly. However, the fight is a good fight because you have already got the victory through the cross and because you can win. The victory is worth the fight! Please fight that fight. Each time you give up, you have to fight that much harder to win back and the demons will disrespect you even more. Every stand for God has huge rewards. Every time we extend ourselves for God he will meet and exceed our expectations. Ephesians 6:13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand, as Gods word tells us. It is worth it. Jenny

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[From Helen] Subject: Our Authority Over Demons Dear Anne and Honest, We obey a policeman; not because we are frightened of him; but because we know he has the authority of the law behind him to make us obey him. There are many verses about Jesus casting out demons. But below are verses proving that those who belong to Jesus also have the authority to cast out demons through the power of his name. Print these verses. Keep them with you. And when that wretched demon tries to make a nuisance of himself read them out to him aloud!!!! Net-Burst.Net You will be acting on the authority of Jesus himself! Bless you!

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Helen *** Matthew 10:8 [Jesus said to his disciples] heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. Matthew 15:22,28 a Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, Lord, son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demonpossession.... Then Jesus answered, woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted. And her daughter was healed from that very hour. Mark 3:14-15 Jesus appointed twelve that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach and to have authority to drive out demons. And to have authority to drive out demons. Mark 6:13 [Jesus disciples] drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them. Mark 16:17 [Jesus said] and these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will drive out demons Luke 9:1 when Jesus had called the twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons Luke 10:17 the seventy-two returned with joy and said, Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name. James 2:19 you believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that and shudder.

[From Ian] Hi Honest, Im so sorry about the troubles youre having. You are certainly not the first to have faced a demon like this, so dont be hard on yourself. Even the disciples were stuck casting out a demon at one point! But what Ive learned over the years is that the person the demon is affecting is the important one. In this case, 142

thats you. I know this is all new and frightening to you including not knowing how to handle it once the demon is gone. But its you who needs to stand up and tell the demon to leave, in the name of Jesus. Youve proven time and again how brave you are, so I already know you can do it. Im not disappointed in you in any way, nor is Jesus. You simply havent been here before to know what to do, and now youre learning. Were very proud of you, Honest. Please dont feel like youve failed. These demons are tricksters very slick. Even though Ive been a Christian for 30 years, they still occasionally fool me! We already knew that he would try to come back and slip in when you least expect it. Youre the one that needs to tell him to leave, Honest, and Jesus is right there with you. Were all praying with you! Ian

[From Ian] Hi Anne, Hang in there girl! It is tough, youve come a loooong way already. I just wanted to address the lie from the father saying hell let up if you give up. This is ridiculous. Giving up and letting him have his way is obviously him not letting up. It seems ridiculous that he would even attempt to convince you of such ridiculousness, but what else would we expect from an insane being like this demon? Honest is the one who has to tell him to leave, but were praying for you too, Anne. This is rough, and Im sorry youre having to face this. It will be over very shortly because we already know that Honest is going to win through Christ. :) It may take Honest some time, and a few different tries while he learns, but we already know because hes already proven himself. Praying earnestly, and standing with all of you in the Spirit, Ian

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[From Honest] Grantley, I dont understand all of what you are telling me but I am trying. I will have to read several times to make sense of it. Honest

[From Grantley] Honest, you wrote: I am trying. I will have to read several times to make sense of it. Excellent, Honest. Demons are not very smart. Their main weapon is to cloud ones thinking so that their lies make more sense and making it hard to grasp the truth. When I say that the demon is all bluff, I dont mean that he does not seem powerful but he only has power over you when you start believing he has power and you yield to him. It is like obeying someone with a mask who has a gun pointed at you. The person seems scary and powerful and makes you do things but only because you dont realize that without the mask he is a 90 year old weakling and the gun is not loaded. Jesus has wiped clean your past so that God now sees you as pure and without sin. You and Jesus are now spiritually one so that God loves you as powerfully as he loves Jesus. You are no longer alone. Jesus is always with you but you have been scared to discover this fact because you have feared that Jesus might reject you. He wont reject you because he has totally removed all your sin and spiritually he is now part of you and you are part of him.

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[From Megan] Dear Honest, I hope you dont mind me writing. I just wanted to tell you I understand the feeling of losing your identity after the demon is gone. I had that happen to me. And it was the most awkward thing I couldve experienced. After going one direction and pushing everyone else to go with me all my life, to just totally stop and try and reverse direction was like trying to push a tidal wave back. Nearly impossible. Jesus helped me, though. And he will help you too. And since Ive been free of the demons, I have been free to become someone I actually like. And I dont have to feel apologetic to others when I want to interact with them. And I dont have to feel like Ive been mean and nasty. I am free to be me. Jesus loves me. And people in this group love me. And they understand when I have to continue to fight the demons, which I do. And they will support me. They have. Helen is a really neat lady who supported me when Jesus delivered me from the demons. I could not believe that Helen would speak to me after she knew all that I was about. Yet she did. She not only spoke to me, she prayed for me, and she was there for me day in and day out. I love her dearly for that. And she has shown me what a beautiful lady is. I want to be just like her when I grow up. Honest, you are the best! Ive seen so much good in you. Ive wanted to write you for a very long time. I hope its okay that I did. You may write me any time and ask me anything you want. I know what its like to have questions that you dont think its okay to ask. I hope we can be friends. Megan

[From Megan] Hi, Honest, I had to re-read things Grantley would send me several times, too. It was because my demons wanted to cloud my 145

mind and they kept trying to keep me from understanding what I was reading. They even kept me from hearing Grantley and Jenny when I would phone them. And they would cause me to choke and all kinds of stuff physically. They will be as nasty as they have to and will stop at nothing to try to reclaim what they thought was their territory. They are ruthless and are as ugly and despicable as they can be. I hate those demons. They are liars and murderers and thieves! They are slimy, disgusting and tormentors. They have nothing good in them. They are selfish, arrogant and insolent! They used to call themselves my friends and had me convinced at one time that they were loyal and faithful. They are just the opposite! Dont fall for their schemes! It is all just talk. I agree with Ian. Honest, you have to open your mouth and speak the name of Jesus. Sometimes it takes hundreds of times each day. And after a while, they will be convinced that they no longer have a place within you. And I also agree with Ian in that I have seen you write over and over and be brave and talk to people who the demons abhor. That has given you quite a bit of ground into the enemys territory! You are taking back what he stole from you! You are declaring your independence from his nasty power and control! You are gaining victory in your life! I can see it, and I see nothing but total and complete victory for you! Im so excited to see this for you! Jesus is good! He is marvelous! He has called you into his marvelous light! There is no darkness in him! He is more than conqueror and it is he who lives in you! These statements Im making to you are not just words! They are not based on feelings! They are based on the victory that I see in you already! Oh, the sweetness of life that I see for you in your future! Bless you, Honest! Even your name exudes the victory that you have through Jesus! Jesus is the way, the truth and the life! Megan

[From Honest]

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Megan, you wrote: I understand the feeling of losing your identity after the demon is gone. I had that happen to me. And it was the most awkward thing I couldve experienced I am sorry for you but that is the best news Ive heard all day. Thank you!! After going one direction and pushing everyone else to go with me all my life, to just totally stop and try and reverse direction was like trying to push a tidal wave back. Nearly impossible. I am not sure what that means but I think it is the same as I feel, maybe. I am not very good with words so I dont know exactly. I am free to be me. Jesus loves me. And people here love me. It is great to be free but how long does it take to learn how to handle being free? I could not believe that Helen would speak to me after she knew all that I was about. Yet she did. She not only spoke to me, she prayed for me, and she was there for me day in and day out. I dont know Helen but I know exactly what you mean. I saw the fathers e-mail to Grantley. I cant believe Grantley will talk to me. He should hate me for what is happening inside me. Do you ever feel that way about Jesus? I know he says Jesus loves us so much. Grantley says that a lot but . . . well, it should be so clear to me but I dont want Jesus to hurt me. He can, you know. I hope we can be friends. Me, too. Bye Megan, Your friend, Honest

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Megan, how did you ever get so much faith? I wish I had the same faith. Honest

[From Anne] Ian, you wrote: Praying earnestly, and standing with all of you in the Spirit Thanks, Ian. Your prayers give me strength. Grantley says I have to ignore my feelings and just stick with Jesus. I am going to try it. He is right, my feelings cannot be trusted. The father mixes them up without me even knowing it is happening. Thank you so much for your prayers, friend. Anne

[From Honest] Ian, I do feel like I failed but not because the demon came back. I didnt invite him. I dont know how he got back. I feel like I failed because I dont know how to be strong to tell him to leave in Jesus name. I feel like I failed because I never knew this was coming. I spend all my life fighting against him and I finally got free and I feel worse than I did before I got free. Shouldnt I have known this was coming so I can know what to do? I dont know how to think for myself. The fathers way is all I know. And I feel like I failed because I know I have to ask Jesus for help but I am so scared to ask. My head knows, dont worry you are crazy to not ask him for help, you can do it, but my heart is too scared that I will get hurt badly. I never cared about someone the way I care about Jesus. I really like him. He touched my heart in the most amazing deep way. The father could never hurt me because I never cared about him. But Jesus I care about him and that means 148

he can hurt me. I feel like I failed and a little bit worthless because I never knew that was coming. I pushed the father out for years and in all that time I never thought about how to think right or not his way. How come I didnt know this stuff? I need to be brave and tell the father to leave in Jesus name but maybe I need to take a risk and ask for Jesus help first. I never admitted it before but I think I love him. Honest

[From Grantley] Honest & Anne, You wrote to Ian: I do feel like I failed, Ian, but not because the demon came back. I didnt invite him. You are absolutely right about you not inviting him back, Honest. I told you ahead of time that the demon would try to come back. Demons hate leaving and so they always try to return, hoping that they can bluff their way back in. This happens for everyone. That is why I wanted you to be the one who would make him leave the first time and you did this because if I or someone else had done it you wouldnt realize that you have that power and the demon is sure to try to come back at a time when we are not around. I feel like I failed because I dont know how to be strong to tell him to leave in Jesus name. Thats okay. You are very new at this. Here is one of my favorite Bible verses: Micah 7:8 do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. I feel like I failed because I never knew this was coming. Demons will always try a surprise attack. They are weak and have to rely on stealth and deceit. We wont know when they 149

are coming but I told you he would come some time. I spend all my life fighting against him You have to remember that everything is very different now. It is not like before when he would always win. You have changed because of Jesus. You not only have a new name; you are a brand new person with new powers. and I finally got free This proves your new powers. The difficulty is in you believing that everything is now different. You are suffering from a psychological condition known as learned helplessness. Here is a quote from my webpage about it: To restrain a baby elephant, circus trainers must chain it to a huge stake driven into the ground. When the baby grows into an adult, however, it is many times smarter and stronger. What trainers must then drive into the ground is just a tiny tent peg. The baby had tried everything to break free. It had strained with all its might, pulling in every conceivable way, hour after hour, day after day. The huge stake refused to budge. So, rather than mindlessly keep trying to do the impossible, it did what at the time was the intelligent thing: it gave up trying. The baby grew into a powerful beast. Convinced by bitter experience that whenever it is tethered there is no point trying to resist, it never bothered to determine whether anything had changed. So it suffers indignities, even though, if only it could grasp the fact, it could easily rip up the peg and trample those who sought to dominate it. As an adult, it finds itself bound not by a stake but by a powerful psychological force. This powerful force has been given several names, one of which is learned helplessness. It has been the subject of much research by psychologists because, in one form or another, it binds millions of people. It is a factor sometimes the full reason in the peculiar tendency of many of us to be plagued by what seems to be bad luck, year after year. Consider, for example, the heart-wrenching fact that even after growing into adults, survivors of child sex abuse often find themselves staggering from one abusive relationship to another. Like the baby elephant, abuse survivors once found themselves in a situation in which escape was impossible. No matter how hard they tried, nothing they could do could free 150

them from humiliation at the hands of those who sought to dominate them. Now they are older and have more options, but the devastating effect of their past ordeal is so crippling that if ever they find themselves in a slightly similar situation, it is exceedingly difficult for them to believe they could break free. No one convinced that resistance is useless has much chance of resisting with all his or her might. Learned helplessness is so horrific that experiments have usually been restricted to animals, and even then psychologists felt the need to justify themselves as to why they would be so cruel. In one such study, experimental psychologists designed a dog enclosure, divided by a low barrier and wired to deliver electrical shocks to half the cage. Dogs quickly learned to cross the barrier and avoid the unpleasant shocks. New dogs, however, were given the shocks no matter what they did. The scientists then changed the conditions so that these dogs, like the first ones, could easily avoid the shocks. Yet the dogs never learned to escape the shocks. Being subjected to a no-win situation had rendered this second group of dogs incapable of discovering the simple way to avoid the shocks. Even in their home cages they seemed lethargic and dejected. Like the elephant, the dogs had had driven out of them their natural tendency to try to escape. So when placed in a situation where they could easily escape, they never make the discovery that escape is now possible. We often find ourselves in similar predicaments. First, we suffer a number of failures in very difficult or impossible circumstances. Afterwards, when something changes to make success quite possible, we are in grave danger of remaining in defeat simply because we do not recognize that the situation is different to the one that defeated us. -----------In the above I spoke about learned helplessness in general terms but Im sure you can see how it applies to you. Jesus has now empowered you but it is easy to forget this and slip back to thinking it is just like it used to be before Jesus made you different. If you forget and start believing that lie you wont run to Jesus and use his power and so you will give in to the demon when there was no need for you to give in. and I feel worse than I did before I got free. There is no need to feel this way. Here is something else Ive 151

written: One of the most important things is to focus on Gods great love for you and not let deceptive spirits trick you into thinking that God frowns on you when you fall into sin. Yes, God is disappointed, but when a little child with good parents falls, whats the first thing he does? He runs to mommy or daddy for comfort. You, too, can run to daddy. God is on your side. He cares deeply for you. Your spiritual enemies, however, want to make you feel uneasy about running to God. They know we instinctively recoil from anyone we fear might be angry or displeased with us and we will keep that person at arms length. Your enemies want you to be standoffish from the only one who can truly deliver you and defeat their attempts to bring you down. They dont want you to rejoice in Gods forgiveness but to feel miserable and isolated from the warmth of Gods comfort. To nurture your awareness of Gods love for you, read How Much does God Love Me? and all the links listed there. ----------And heres something else: FROM CRUSHING DEFEAT TO ETERNAL FAME We find him lurking in the shadows of Scripture. He was a breath of fresh air in a hurricane. John Mark was bad news. In the human race he led the field from go to woe. He has often been identified as Christianitys first streaker the man who blurred through Gethsemanes garden with the raw grace of a plucked chicken, leaving behind his clothes and his Savior. (Mark 14:51-52) More humiliations were to follow. His unflattering nickname, stub-fingered, suggests he was physically impaired. To this he added a handicap of his own making: he was branded a deserter a second time. When the pressure mounts, the last thing you need is for a trusted companion to abandon you. Thats what Mark did to Paul and Barnabas. His desertion seems to have deeply hurt Paul. The apostle was adamant that hanging out with this dodo was a no-no. Barnabas, who always stood up for the under-dog, (Acts 4:36; 9:26-28; 11:22-25) defended his cousin Mark. The result was a rift between old friends; the shattering of a great missionary team. (Acts 15:37-39) We never hear of Barnabas 152

again. One look at stump-fingers yellow face and you knew this jinx had had mistake and eggs for breakfast again. Whenever this egg-head cracked, everyone got egg on their face. Just what the church needs! He must have felt as blue as a browned off white man seeing red because hes accused of being yellow. Mark could have drowned in self-pity. He could have resented Paul. He could have turned back to Judaism. Instead, he redoubled his efforts, eventually being recognised even by Paul as having an outstanding ministry. (2 Timothy 4:11; Colossians 4:10; Philemon 24) Peter also spoke affectionately of him. (1 Peter 5:13) As writer of possibly the earliest gospel and a primary source of Matthew and Luke, Marks contribution even to todays church is beyond measure. This planet is a better place today because nineteen centuries ago a no-hoper called stub-fingered decided to tough it out. Knowing our weaknesses, our loving Father has preserved many such stories for us to gain strength. Then will I teach transgressors your ways, crooned David. When? After a calamitous moral fall. (Psalm 51:title, 3-5, 1213.) Simon . . . feed my sheep. (John 21:17) When? After denying his Savior. He slew at his death more than he slew in his life. (Judges 16:30, paraphrase) When? After Samsons greatest humiliation. Samson and David each knew the horror of spiritual failure. On the crest of their vocation, they plunged to abominable depths. Their lapses were inexcusable. Their ministries were desecrated. Yet they refused to dwell in defeat. They were failures for a moment, but they were overcomers forever. Grasping Gods hand of forgiveness, they clambered to new heights for the exaltation of the One who washed them clean. Oppression crushed Simon the rock into sand. On the brink of ministry, after years of grooming, he blew it. He lied. He invoked a curse on himself. He disowned his Lord. (Matthew 26:74) Yet though it rocked Simon, this one-time rock didnt peter. Empowered by his Savior, he again turned to stone. Though the righteous thats you and me in Christ Jesus fall seven times, they rise again. Thats a promise. (Proverbs 153

24:16, see also Psalm 37:23-24) It was just a hair-cut For the plaything of Delilah; And just a prayer-cut For Peter the denier. Strong they dozed But weak arose, And knew it not. Men destroyed by fatal cuts; Left to wallow in their ruts; Left with blame And haunting shame, In sin to rot. A seed so small and barely sown Meant to die, but how its grown! Things so small Grow so tall, But marvel not. If sin can grow, So can prayer; If prayers will flow, So will hair. With faith restored Hope will soar, And blunders blot. His repentance real, The victim of Delilah, Had victories still. And the spineless Christ-denier Shed his shame And became The churchs rock. Shouldnt I have known this was coming so I can know what to do? No. As I said, it will be a surprise but when it occurs know that Jesus thinks the world of you and call upon him and use his power to defeat the demon. I dont know how to think for myself. The fathers way is all I know. This is an exciting new era for you. In this regard you are like a baby beginning to walk. It takes a while but youll master it 154

and before long you will thoroughly enjoy the new freedom. And I feel like I failed because I know I have to ask Jesus for help but I am so scared to ask. This fear is just a feeling. It is not reality. It is a lie from the demon. Jesus will be delighted to hear from you. He will never reject anyone who wants him. Disregard the unpleasant feeling and call out to Jesus. I never cared about someone the way I care about Jesus. I really like him. He touched my heart in the most amazing deep way. Thats beautiful. Jesus knows everything and he knows exactly how you feel about him and it thrills him. It makes him want to dance for joy. He thinks the world of you. Jesus I care about him and that means he can hurt me. In theory this might be so but in reality it is impossible for Jesus to hurt you because he is far too loving. It is impossible for someone so loving as him to reject you. I need to be brave and tell the father to leave in Jesus name but maybe I need to take a risk and ask for Jesus help first. You are right. Go to Jesus first. He is the source of your power over the demon. He is your father now and he is your best friend. I never admitted it before but I think I love him. Beautiful!

[From Honest] Jenny, you wrote: Please fight that fight each time you give up you have to fight that much harder to win back and the demons will disrespect you even more. I sure do not want that to happen, Jenny. I am sorry that I dont really know you but my heart says that sometimes you just have to trust what the person is saying is right and go 155

with it even if you dont understand or know the person. That is what my heart says so I will try it. But youre right it is a very hard fight. I never gave him a good reason to want to be with me. I hate him in Jesus name. But I am scared of him and he knows it so no matter what I say even in Jesus name he doesnt listen. It takes Anne being with me to make him listen. Thank you for your help. I will not give up, I promise that much at least. Honest

[From Anne] Jenny, you wrote: Then getting rid of that arrogant piece of work was a task I was not up for. I never bargained that spiritual warfare can be so hard, but then warfare, well the word should have been a clue! You are not kidding, and the word doesnt even begin to describe it. Anyway, one day I snapped. I mean I got so angry out of my mind! I got mad. I mean angry. I stomped my foot and ordered him out. The anger was intense. But you know what? He hasnt been back like that since. He took a very hard blow and didnt recover. I think I like you. I want to be exactly the same way but I dont know how to get from being really scared of him to being so mad at him for all the hurt that I am going to stand up and tell him No! in Jesus name. Does Jesus give you that power? I think I will have to be brave and ask him for it because I want that same power too. No, I really really I cant tell you how bad I want that same power. Stay with a human or go to hell well that isnt too hard to figure out. They dont want to go to hell Now I know why he picked to stay with me. I thought I did something to make him like to stay with me. Then I surrounded myself with praise music and hid under the shadow of the almighty (Psalm 91). 156

I really like music too. It works for me. He doesnt listen to me when I push him back because I am scared of him. It gets in the way of me being able to show him that I really hate him. But there is something about music that doesnt require words that gives me a connection with God and the demon doesnt stay around when I listen to praise music. I dont know Psalm 91 but I will read it. I know how draining okay, utterly exhausting spiritual warfare was for me. Yeah, me too. I was so tired that I slept for nearly 12 hours but I woke up and I feel better able to stand my ground with God by my side. It is impossible to be strong and keep my focus on God when I am so tired from fighting off the evil father all of the time. Will he ever be gone for good!! I am sorry that you had to go through this stuff too but it gives us hope that we are not alone and we can fight him off that you went through it too. If that made sense, I hope. Love always, Anne

[From Grantley] Honest, you wrote to Christine: My heart says that sometimes you just have to trust what the person is saying is right and go with it even if you dont understand or know the person. God is at work in you even when you dont realize it. He is working in your heart and it is actually him who is telling you that it is safe to believe what is being said. Youre right it is a very hard fight. Its psychological warfare a battle of wits. It is having to see through lies and tricks and push through fears. And, yes, that is hard but you are one with Jesus and Jesus is the greatest winner in the entire universe. That makes you a winner, even when you dont realize it and dont feel it. I will not give up, I promise that much at least. 157

Im proud of you! Ive found very often that when we feel exhausted and are almost ready to give up, the demon feels the same way and we only have to hang on a little longer for full victory.

[From Anne] Grantley, you wrote: Forget your feelings, dear one, and ignore his bluff. Put your faith in Jesus. Look to him. Make Jesus and his infinite power your focus. Its not a matter of how weak you feel but how strong he is. Whether you feel it or not, you are spiritually one with the Lord of the universe. I know this is the answer to all of my problems and not just this one either but this is easier said than done. I will try it. Grantley, just so you know, Honest and I both thought you would never want to talk to us again. We saw the fathers email later and he was evil about it. I was so scared that I couldnt breathe and my stomach hurt. I hate him. Thanks for not turning away from us. It gave Honest the courage to try to talk to Jesus because he has the same fear to ask for help and it gave me courage to keep trying to fight the father. A little sleep helped too. I didnt realize how tired I was until I slept for 9 hours. This is a lot of work. Plus I have the cares of this life, too, so I have been an easy target. Anne

[From Grantley] Anne & Honest, You wrote: I know this is the answer to all of my problems and not just this one either Yes, and this is why Jesus is allowing this battle. I know it 158

doesnt feel like it right now but you are going to end up so strong because of this battle just like Blessing did. We can read books and see others do it but it is when we experience victory ourselves that we are truly empowered and victory is coming. Keep remembering that you have already had victories over this demon. It was you and Honest, not us, who got rid of him before and you can both do it again. Christy experienced the same thing as you. The demons would come back when she least expected it usually when she was feeling tired or down or most vulnerable. And they would scare her and she would feel powerless and resistance seemed useless. Honest and I both thought you would never want to talk to us again. Im not surprised that you thought that because its exactly what the demon hoped and what he wanted you to believe, just like he wanted me to believe his lie that you didnt care about me. Whenever he says anything, you can be sure that the opposite is true. I am on your side and so is Jesus. Bless you, my friend!

[From Ian] Hi, Honest, I really like what you wrote. I know its hard to go through what youre going through, and probably even harder to write and admit it but thats exactly why I said I liked that about you: youre honest. Youve never been here before. So just like learning to ride a bike, youve never done it before youre going to fall down and wonder what on earth you did wrong. You get back on the bike, and figure it out. Sometimes youll scrape your knees in the process. Jesus is right there, watching and teaching you how to ride that bike, but he has to let you go and do it yourself, otherwise, you never grow up. I can certainly attest to what youre saying about both loving Jesus and being afraid of him, and afraid that hell hurt you. For a time, I was deathly afraid of him! :) 159

But he loves you very much, Honest, and he is on your side! I know it takes time and experience before you can feel you can trust him, and trust that he wont hurt you. I, too, was very afraid for the longest time that he would hurt me but by stepping out, one step at a time, and seeing that he didnt reject me, he didnt hurt me. Thats how I learned to trust him. Sometimes Id scrape my knee while trying to ride that bike, and Id initially blame him. He didnt hurt me, in fact hed come up and give me a big hug, because when I hurt, he hurts. It all takes time, and small steps. Were here with you, but even more importantly, Jesus is there with you, right there. You said: I need to be brave and tell the father to leave in Jesus name but maybe I need to take a risk and ask for Jesus help first. The things youve written have just made me say, Wow! Because you get it. Youve spotted what needs to be done, and yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. And it is a risk I hear ya! Youve been rejected for your entire life, so of course youd be afraid Jesus will only do the same. He wont reject you, but me telling you that wont make any difference you have to learn it and experience it for yourself. As youll learn for yourself, even when he corrects you, he does it in incredible love and care. Even when you make a mistake, he doesnt reject you. Youre doing quite well, Honest. Still praying for you, and still by your side in the spirit, Ian

Day 26 [From Megan] Hi, Honest! Many thanks for writing! I want to assure you that you can get there in faith, too! You are so very new to all that you have discovered. I want to encourage you to continue to pour your heart out to Jesus and to Grantley. And, Honest, please dont give it another thought about what the father wrote to Grantley. Grantley understands and is 160

not in the least offended by you or any other part of Anne. Im glad you want to be friends with me! Youve no doubt heard Grantley say that you deserve good friends. I agree! Be good to yourself, Honest! That is what Jesus wants for you. And no matter what youve done in life, Jesus sees you no differently. You are the apple of his eye! He adores you and so do I! Bless you, Honest! Marys Megan

[From Honest] Hi, Grantley Thank you for all of your help. You talk to me more than the father does! Hee hee. I dont want to be helpless. I didnt work all my life to fight against the father to end up being helpless NO WAY!! That is not for me, no chance here. I dont want it!!! So I went to your website to read more about love but I didnt have time to read very much. I will read more today. And last night I got brave and talked to Jesus. I told him I love him and I was very strong about not being scared and guess what he came to visit me. He told me to close my eye and I saw him. He was trying to show me something but I couldnt stay but for a minute and I was scared so I opened my eyes so he left. You were right, he didnt force me to stay with him either. He only came when I wanted him to be there. I will tell you about it if you want but I was sad that I couldnt be brave longer. I am learning to do it right! The father came back today too. He was an evil man. He tried as hard as he can to get inside of me. He hurt me but I didnt let him get inside of me. I was alone. Anne wasnt there with me. But I was so much better able to tell him no than I ever did before. I am so close to getting rid of him for good. And I met little David. He is little boy. I will try my very best to help him. I can relate to his struggle but he is a little bit different than me in that he doesnt fight against the father. I have to find sometime alone to teach him the same way you 161

and your group taught me, huh? Bye, Grantley, I am very glad Jesus helps you. I was able to be brave because I know Jesus must be like you in some ways because he teaches you how to help us but Jesus he is both of ours father, huh? Bye, Grantley

[From Grantley] Honest, you wrote: Thank you for all of your help. You deserve it my friend! You talk to me more than the father does! Hee hee. I certainly care for you more than he does and think more highly of you. He only wants to enslave you and exploit you. Jesus wants to free you and empower you. I dont want to be helpless. You arent. Youve just learning how to operate in the power of Jesus rather than using your own strength. So I went to your website to read more about love but I didnt have time to read very much. Smart move! The key to victory is keep reminding yourself of how special you are to God. Its hard to believe because we are used to feeling useless and unwanted and because demons keep trying to undermine our awareness of how loved of God we are. As I have written: Few of us doubt that God can do amazing things. The weak link in our faith is believing that he would do such things for ordinary, inconsequential you and me. We suspect we are not sufficiently special in the Almightys eyes to warrant such attention. Oh yes, God loves everyone, but we have a hunch that by the time that love reaches us it has spread pretty thin. Im just one of millions. Why would God want to focus his omnipotence on me? 162

Awareness of how much we are loved is forever slipping from our consciousness. Partially in sight for a few days, it begins to fade again. I will read more today. Excellent! And last night I got brave and talked to Jesus. Im so proud of you! Well done, my friend! I told him I love him Great! and guess what! He came to visit me. Of course! :) You were right, he didnt force me to stay with him either. He only came when I wanted him to be there. Yes, he is so gentle and he respects you. I was sad that I couldnt be brave longer. I am learning to do it right! Yes, you are learning. You are doing great! The father came back today too. He was an evil man. Yes, he is evil but he is neither your father nor a man. He is a filthy demon who pretends to be more respectable than he is. I didnt let him get inside of me. I was alone. Anne wasnt there with me. You did brilliantly! But I was so much better able to tell him no than I ever did before. Excellent. I am so close to get rid of him for good. You are rid of him. He just keeps checking to see if you might weaken and change your mind. Hell realize eventually how determined you are and how aware you are of Jesus power 163

in you. As I have written: Until you realize that false feelings will continue NO MATTER HOW DEVOTED YOU ARE TO CHRIST, youll be so vulnerable to false feelings that the tempter will keep piling them on more than ever. None of us ever gets to the point where we are no longer tempted. Unwanted thoughts and feelings would only slightly taper off if the tempter has tried so often without ruffling your feathers that he begins to believe that such an attack will NEVER succeed with you and is a complete waste of his time. If hes got mileage out of that approach in the past, he will take a lot of convincing. Satan is a sore loser. Once he finds something that shakes us up he keeps trying it over and over relentlessly until he is absolutely convinced that his tactics will never again work with you. When, finally, he seems to leave, it is only to bide his time for a surprise attack. His persistence is so very unpleasant. The positive side, however, is that this will make you stronger and stronger as you keep resisting his lies. It is important, however, that you stay close to Jesus. Please understand that when Jesus seemed to leave, he didnt. All that happened is that you were not able to SEE and FEEL him but even when he is not visible, he is still with you. And I met little David. Wonderful! I will try my very best to help him. Thank you so much. He needs you. He feels so lost without the father and he needs to make Jesus his friend. I have to find some time alone to teach him the same way you and your group taught me, huh? Yes, and he can learn by watching you, too. What got Blessing started as spiritual warrior is that she saw a sister alter (who was five) chasing off demons with her sword, so Blessing copied her. I am very glad Jesus helps you. And hell help you just as much. I was able to be brave because I know Jesus must be like you in some ways because he teaches you how to help us but 164

Jesus he is both of ours father, huh? You are right in every point, my friend. So good to hear from you!

[From Honest & Anne] I remembered to think the opposite of what the father says and it helped me not believe him and it made me strongly push him back. I got mad at him and told him to go away. He is getting weaker in his efforts. Hee hee. I think he knows we will get rid of him for good soon. Honest and Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: I remembered to think the opposite of what the father says and it helped me not believe him and it made me strongly push him back. I got mad at him and told him to go away. He is getting weaker in his efforts. Hee hee. Wow! You are doing great! I think he knows we will get rid of him for good soon. He is far more terrified of you than he lets you see. You are like a baby with a loaded gun in your hand. That would scare anyone. Hes just hoping you wont realize the damage you could cause him if you pulled the trigger. Hes forever trying to fool you into thinking the gun isnt loaded but hes terrified because at any moment you could realize the power that you have in Jesus and then hes in B-I-G trouble.

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[From Honest & Anne] Jenny, you wrote: Please fight that fight each time you give up you have to fight that much harder to win back and the demons will disrespect you even more. It is his turn to lose, Jenny. We are getting better and better at pushing him away!! SMILE but he doesnt give up easy. Thanks for standing strong with me. :) Honest and Anne

[From Honest & Anne] Grantley you wrote on your webpage: Captivate me. If the greatest commandment is to love you, my God, with my whole heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37-38), empower me to seek you tenaciously until I receive a revelation of your love that is so real and vast that I truly fall in love with you. This is what I want but I am still scared. I wont quit not because I want victory because I admit that is not what drives me most. I wont quit because I want to know what the following feels like (quoting from your webpage): and invigorating and oh so very quiet . . . I am out of words for now Words describe . . . and limit Words contain restrict define and explain Let me be out of words for now Let me stay here in this silent love . . . Resting in the glaring mystery of you Hushed in the majestic awe of you . . . This is something I have never known but I can honestly say that I dont think I am alone in saying that. Lots of things I feel that I missed out on and everyone else already knows about it but this maybe lots of people never knew about it. I am trying to read your web page and your e-mails but whenever you put Bible quotes and Bible stories in there, it is 166

hard for me to read. The father is near, he clouds my focus so it is hard to read and comprehend it all. With some of the Bible stuff I dont know the stories but Anne tells me about it. I just started to read your web page about love but I have to stop because my eyes hurt from trying so hard to focus. It makes me feel dumb that I cant get it but I know it is the father clouding my focus again. Bye friend. Honest and Anne

[From Grantley] You wrote: Captivate me. If the greatest commandment is to love you, my God, with my whole heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37-38), empower me to seek you tenaciously until I receive a revelation of your love that is so real and vast that I truly fall in love with you. Beautiful! I am still scared. Thats okay. That just gives you greater glory when you ignore that deceptive and unpleasant feeling and cling to Jesus. So many wonders are available to every Christian and yet most of us tap in to a pathetically small fraction of them. Dont settle for that, my friends! Take it ALL!

[From Helen] Dear Honest and Anne, Captivate me. If the greatest commandment is to love you, my God, with my whole heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37-38), empower me to seek you tenaciously until I receive a revelation of your love that is so real and vast that I 167

truly fall in love with you. Song of Songs 4:9-10 My sister, my bride, you have thrilled my heart; you have thrilled my heart with a glance of your eyes, with one sparkle from your necklace. Your love is so sweet, my sister, my bride. Your love is better than wine, and your perfume smells better than any spice. THATs how God feels about YOU! Bless you! Love, Helen

[From Megan] Dear Honest & Anne, Hang in there! Both of you. I totally understand what youre going through. It was so hard most of the time when I finally let go of my demonic friends who ended up being sleazebags. I had to read over and over and over Grantleys e-mails to me. And Helens too. And then I would speak to Jenny and it took a lot of time for what she said to sink in. I got so tired of the scum bags coming and trying to reclaim what they lost. It also made me feel like I could not breathe. There were days where I was so sick to my stomach because of what they were doing that it was all I could do to make it another day. Honest and Anne, I admire your courage! I am so inspired by your tenacity. You both are winners! Keep it up! I know you will. Your friend, Megan

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[From Honest] Megan, you wrote: I totally understand what youre going through. Thank you I got so tired of the scum bags coming and trying to reclaim what they lost. It also made me feel like I could not breathe. There were days where I was so sick to my stomach because of what they were doing that it was all I could do to make it another day. That sounds like me, oh for sure!! Honest and Anne, I admire your courage! I am so inspired by your tenacity. You both are winners! Keep it up! I know you will. I really would rather not having to go through this. It is truly hard. I wish it to be over because the demon never stop trying so thank you in your faith. One day maybe I will have the same faith and I will be able to give back to those inside of me and others who have the same struggles, too. Thanks Megan, Honest

[From Jenny] To Honest and Anne Dear Friends, You wrote that this demon is stubborn, but so are we! God has already won the war on sin. You are already victorious. Demons lie. They are desperate to avoid the fruit of their actions. No one wants to reap what they sowed less than a demon! But as you realize this, you will also realize that demons are terrified of you. You are the boss. No matter what lies they 169

tell or what masks they wear, they know the truth is that God has given authority to you through Jesus. In the Psalm 2 we see that God sits in the heavens and laughs at those who conspire against him. There is good reason for his joy. He has already won. The war is over. Be blessed and victorious, Jenny

[From Honest] Jenny, You wrote: You will also realize that demons are terrified of you. You are the boss. This is one of those things that I will always remember. Later down the line in my life, I will look back and say I remember when I didnt believe it. But right now you have to forgive me if I say NO WAY!! However, I do believe that Grantley is right about God putting it in my heart to listen to you, so I have no doubt you are right, my friend. Take care with love, Honest

Day 27 [From Anne & Honest] To Helen the Great!! You dont know me but you are still there for me. I admire that about you. I hope one day I can do the same for you. Bless you my friend with lots and lots of love. :) 170

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[From Honest] Grantley, you wrote: Thats okay. That just gives you greater glory when you ignore that deceptive and unpleasant feeling and cling to Jesus. So many wonders are available to every Christian and yet most of us tap in to a pathetically small fraction of them. Dont settle for that, my friends! Take it ALL! I keep trying but I have a bad feeling that I have a lifetime of learning to do because I missed out on so much. I cant even picture where I will end up. Please understand that when Jesus seemed to leave, he didnt. All that happened is that you were not able to SEE and FEEL him but even when he is not visible, he is still with you. I am beginning to understand it. That would scare anyone. Hes just hoping you wont realize the damage you could cause him if you pulled the trigger. Hes forever trying to fool you into thinking the gun isnt loaded but hes terrified because at any moment you could realize the power that you have in Jesus and then hes in B-IG trouble. He doesnt show it but his day is coming!! I can feel it. JESUS IS WITH ME!! Thank you for all you do, Grantley Bye Honest

Days 28-29 [No messages] 171

Day 30 [From Honest & Two Other Alters] Hi Grantley, Honest here. Anne has been acting weird and that is all I want to say about it!! Girls are sort of strange, dont you think? Well, I dont want to say it too loud because I dont want him back, but the father went away!! I was really scared of him but I called out to Jesus, Please God help me get rid of him. The father hurts us so bad. And guess what, Jesus listened and helped us. You knew he would and you were right!! I am not like Blessing that I like to fight off demons. I really dont ever want to have to do that again. The father wasnt like a human, you know, but he was definitely scary. I wonder something, do you think the evil father knew my real father who was human? I dont know if he is really alive or dead. Grantley, my real father didnt love me so I am afraid if I see him I might just want to kill him. Maybe it is better if I dont know if he is alive or dead, huh? Anne doesnt know either but she explained how we are together as one person. I dont mind as long as I dont have to turn into a girl. I read your web pages about love. I mean not all of them. You wrote a lot of stuff, Grantley!! I didnt know even where to start, there was so much stuff. I was reading on your website about how much God loves people and all the different ways God made each of us different. And how he loves each of us even if we dont think we are unique. It was pretty great but I didnt understand all of what I was reading. I couldnt find something about how to not be afraid of Gods love. But I might have seen it and I didnt understand what I was reading. Well, we learned how to work together as a team. Friend and Jenny, taught Anne about it. Anne said it is important that we work together. She invited me and little David and Sheila to church but the pastor was gone and there was another guy. I didnt know him so I was a little bit nervous to hang out. But I have been helping little David. He is just a kid, you know. Anyway, last night Anne wanted little David and Sheila and me to be with Jesus for a little bit, so she asked him to come be with us at home. And of course he was so great to listen. He came to us. I closed my eyes because I was a little bit 172

nervous but he didnt even ask me to open my eyes. He just touched me. I felt his power in me. It was pretty amazing, Grantley. I asked God to be with you too. From little David, When I saw God come near, I was scared but he blew the dark away from us so everything turned light and I wasnt scared. And he told me he was my new daddy. He was shiny bright like my night light only white. He likes me. David From Sheila, Me, too. I wasnt scared of him. He blew his breath and the darkness all went away. it was a magic trick. He made me feel safe inside. He told us, he loved us. I felt safe with him. I stayed in the light and it didnt hurt my eyes and I wasnt scared. He asked the other inside to come near but which I am not sure who he meant but no one came. God doesnt hurt people. He is made of love. I like him too. Sheila I have to go Grantley. Bye, Honest

[From Grantley] You wrote: Girls are sort of strange, dont you think? Ha! Ha! They are wonderful. Girls can be very strong, especially when they grow up and have God in their lives. Well, I dont want to say it too loud because I dont want him back, but the father went away!! You can shout it from the housetops. You have nothing whatsoever to fear. 173

I called out to Jesus That is so important. Jesus is always with you but you need to believe this fact in order to have authority over demons. And guess what, he listened and helped us. Of course. You knew he would and you were right!! Indeed! In Jesus you are just as powerful as Blessing and with a few more victories under your belt youll love getting revenge by sending demons fleeing. Do you think the evil father knew my real father who was human. I dont know the full story of the parts that make up the full person you belong to. Im confused because Sheila wrote in an earlier e-mail, I dont have a mom and dad. I was born in the rain. I stayed near the street light by the house until the father found me. I was cold and hungry but he gave me warm closet and food. It seems she was nine when this happened. This suggests that the father (the human) might not be your biological father. I believe that whoever sexually molested you either deliberately or unintentionally transferred the demon into you. Grantley, my real father didnt love me so I am afraid if I see him I might just want to kill him. You might indeed have very deep emotions about him but all of these emotions need to be worked through and resolved in order for you to fully heal and become like Jesus. For a brief overview, see When Forgiveness Does Not Bring Healing. Anne doesnt know either but she explained how we are together as one person. I dont mind as long as I dont have to turn into a girl. There is no pressure on you becoming a woman. Nevertheless, to be a mature, Spirit-filled woman is both honorable and safe. God did a good thing when he made women. I read your web pages about love.

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Please keep reading them. It takes a long time to get these truths deep into ones spirit. But go beyond this and spend much time with Jesus yourself. I couldnt find something about how to not be afraid of Gods love. There is nothing to fear about the perfect love of God. Someone with imperfect love might stop loving, and someone who stopped loving might reject a person or turn nasty. But because Gods love is perfect he keeps loving and loving and loving and will never reject anyone or hurt anyone. People reject him and leave him but he doesnt reject them. He is always longing for them to come back into his warm, welcoming arms. Well, we learned how to work together as a team. Im thrilled. I have been helping little David. Wonderful! Anne wanted little David and Sheila and me to be with Jesus for a little bit so she asked him to come be with us at home. And of course he was so great to listen. He came to us. I closed my eyes because I was a little bit nervous but he didnt even ask me to open my eyes. He just touched me. I felt his power in me. It was pretty amazing, Grantley. How beautiful! I asked God to be with you too. Thank you. When I saw God come near, I was scared but he blew the dark away from us so everything turned light and I wasnt scared. And he told me he was my new daddy. He was shinny bright like my night light only white. He likes me. David There are tears of joy in my eyes, David. Im so happy to read of your beautiful experience with Jesus. Me too, I wasnt scared of him.

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Well done, Sheila! He made me feel safe inside. Jesus is so very safe and he protects us. I stayed in the light and it didnt hurt my eyes and I wasnt scared. Thats so special because I know the light used to hurt your eyes, Sheila, and you felt safer in the dark. He asked the other inside to come near but which I am not sure who he meant but no one came. We need to pray for this dear one. God doesnt hurt people. He is made of love. Thats right. Thank you all of you for sharing. Your friend, Grantley

[From Anne & Honest] WE GOT RID OF THE DEMON, Jenny!! WHEE WHOOO!!! I do pray this time for good but we are different than last time. Take care. With love, Anne and Honest

[From Jenny] I am jumping with joy. We are standing with you for total 176

victory. Much Love, Jenny

Days 31-35 [No messages] Day 36 [From Grantley] To Anne and Honest Hi, My Friends! Remember that you have Jesus because he loves you dearly and has totally cleansed you of all past sin. And because of that you have the upper hand whenever a demon approaches you. Here is some encouragement from one of my webpages: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory Humanists imagine they have suddenly become incredibly smart, being able to discern physical and psychological reasons for phenomena. They have actually become incredibly thick, being able to see nothing but the blatantly obvious. The Apostle Pauls words stick with appalling accuracy: Professing to be wise, they became fools (Romans 1:22). Dont catch their blindness. The presence of obvious physical reasons for our problems does not reduce the likelihood that they are shots fired from the spirit world. Paul faced enough natural dangers to seize anyones attention wild seas, infected wounds, bandits yet he focused on spiritual battle. Though he regularly bled at the hands of human opponents, Paul insisted that our fight is not with people but with spiritual powers (Ephesians 6:12). His gospel threatened the livelihood, pride and traditions of thousands. Wherever he looked, human reasons for his struggle glared at him. Yet he saw the human component of his conflict as inconsequential. Either the apostle was a fruit 177

loop or we clash with the non-physical realm more than most of us suppose. Spiritual Parasites Demons are spiritual parasites that want to attach themselves to us and suck spiritual life from us. Left to their own vices, they will weaken us and make life needlessly unpleasant. They are the spiritual equivalent of physical parasites, such as tapeworm or hookworm. It is not just non-Christians who need to be wary of parasitic worms. It is quite possible to have them for years without realizing what it is that is keeping us that bit below optimum health. A person cannot be said to be possessed by parasites. He has full control, except for a tiny aspect of his life, and even in that he retains partial control. A person with worms can do almost anything without parasitic interference. Only in the area of nutrition has he lost a degree of control. He can decide what he eats and when he eats but until the worms are banished he cannot prevent them from robbing him of some of his nutrition. Demons of lust might, for instance, harass a Christian with unusually intense and prolonged temptation. This could be most distressing, and the person might voluntarily surrender to the temptation; perhaps, for example, under the illusion that resistance is useless. In reality, however, God has promised that no temptation will be too strong for a Christian. So a demon could flood a person with horrific temptation but it could never compel a Christian to sin. Not so many years ago, I felt sexually assaulted by every sensually dressed woman I saw. I wasnt particularly defeated by it but it was a continual, wearying battle. There is sure to have been a natural element to this. It is Gods intention that women flaunt their bodies solely within the confines of holy matrimony. If only more Christian women would let God remove carnality from their lives! Nevertheless, I wondered if in addition to the natural, there might also be a demonic element to what I suffered. So I made an appointment with someone experienced in the deliverance ministry. To this day, Im uncertain whether, in my particular case, that was the reason why things have improved. It might have helped. I dont know for sure. I have the satisfaction, however, of knowing that I was not so foolish as to let pride or embarrassment keep me refusing a 178

potential source of help. Parasitic worms are so repulsive that we naturally recoil from the thought of having them. The worse thing we can do, however, is to live in denial, because if we do, they will continue to afflict us. Someone with parasites has foreign invaders in his life that have no right to be there. The only smart reaction is to face the possibility head-on, with a view to eradicating anything that could be afflicting us. Prayer Is Not Enough Satanic opposition hampered Daniels ministry. He had sought a revelation. Heaven was silent. Though uncertain about what was happening, Daniel fought on in prayer and fasting, day after day. Heavens reply had been dispatched on angels wings, but evil powers blockaded it. When the celestial courier finally arrived, he revealed he had been engaged in heavens answer to Star Wars (Daniel 10:12-13). Spiritual powers had been locked in supernatural combat. For twentyone earth-days the battle raged. Perhaps the weapons used defy our comprehension, but I believe a deciding factor was something we know a little about the impassioned prayers of a man who longed to serve God. With the resolve of a marathon winner, Daniel prayed on and on and on. Had he accepted the hold-up as heavens final answer, the enemy might have successfully intercepted the prophetic message. With Satan lusting after us like a crazed beast, we either pray or are preyed upon. And yet we often need more than prayer. Foot-sloggers are no match for the prince of the power of the air. If we neglect prayer, dark forces will forever sabotage our labors; our attempts to attack their kingdom will never get off the ground. Join the prayer force. A defiant fist amuses Satan. An uplifted hand terrifies him. Prayer will shoot him down. Prayer is fearsome ammunition. Without a canon, however, even the deadliest ammunition cannot pound the enemy. For faith-packed prayer to reach its full ferocity it must be used in conjunction with two other aspects of spiritual warfare. One aspect legality is automatic for the born again warrior. It is the other authoritative aggression where many of us falter. Add this to prayer and you have an arsenal against which the combined forces of hell are reduced to a cringing rabble of terrified wimps. 179

If undesirables have moved into our house, it is insufficient to establish that their action is unlawful. Nor is it enough to complete an assertiveness training course. Confirming our legal standing and strengthening our resolve to enforce our rights are both vital steps, but it is futile to stop here. We must actually evict the squatters. Our spiritual union establishes the illegality of Satans move against us. Without this, as the sons of Sceva discovered, good intentions and pious or aggressive ranting achieve nothing (Acts 19:13-17). In addition, we need prayer to build us up, empowering us for spiritual confrontation. We often so focus on Pauls itemization of the armor in his classic on spiritual combat that we forget it culminates in praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit (Ephesians 6:18). The disciples, bewildered by their inability to expel a demon, needed Jesus revelation that there is no alternative to prayer (Mark 9:1718,28-29). No matter how intimately they knew Jesus, prayerlessness still meant powerlessness. Yet with our union with Christ resolving the legal issue and prayer girding us with divine strength, insidious trespassers will continue until we enforce our blood-bought rights. Jesus, who went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed of the devil, (Acts 10:38) not only spent entire nights in prayer, he authoritatively confronted anti-God forces. Time and again he rebuked opponents to Gods will, be they fevers, storms, demons or whatever. We must follow his lead. The Bible opens by affirming that God created humanity to rule. From the onset, the Lord of hosts delegated authority to man and woman (Genesis 1:26-28). Humanity lost much when it lost its innocence, but with the breaking of sins curse by the shed blood of the innocent Son of God, we are again expected to rule, acting like Jesus in ousting evil hordes. If you were granted police powers, would you tolerate a law breaker vandalizing a sacred place, or assaulting someone, or molesting a child? Well arent you the Spirits holy sanctuary, part of Christs body and Gods own child? Is it proper for you to passively endure an evil assault upon your person? Shouldnt you be incensed that cowering low-life, whose defeat cost the very life of the Son of God, would have the audacity to trespass onto Gods turf, insult a work of God and violate a part of Christs very body? When opposed by vile spirits, rise with indignation and enforce your Christ-won 180

authority by ousting those frauds. When buffeted by malicious powers we are likely to feel as green and as limp as wilted spinach. We must understand that authority has nothing to do with how vibrant we feel. A police officer has as much authority when he is tired as when he is fresh. A bed-ridden king has more authority than a nobleman in the prime of manhood. The issue is not how strong we feel, but whether we are bound to the One granted all authority in heaven and earth. The showdown It was a duel between spiritual super-powers: the false gods of Egypt versus the one true God. Aaron throws down a rod. The stick becomes a writhing snake. What a victory the raw power of God spectacularly displayed in the very court of Pharaoh. Face it, Pharaoh, youve backed a loser! Heathen sorcerers step forward. They drop their rods and each squirms to life. Before Pharaohs eyes is Moses solitary snake, hopelessly outnumbered by the magicians slithering brood (Exodus 7:9-12). A homeward-bound Levite needed to lodge for the night. Though a pagan place was more convenient, he chose the security of an Israelite town. Here hed sleep peacefully, surrounded by Gods people. But to his horror, he discovered these people, despite having known Gods blessing and his laws, were more depraved than the heathen. Given half a chance, they would have raped him. They abused his concubine all night. She was dead by morning. An Israelite town had slumped to the putrid decadence of Sodom and Gomorrah. Outraged, the Levite summoned the whole of Israel. Gods law was explicit: those murderous perverts must die. But their tribe refused to hand them over. The entire tribe was so committed to wickedness that the Benjamites resolved to fight, if necessary to death, against the united armies of the whole nation, rather than allow the execution of Gods law. Greatly disturbed, the faithful sought God. It would have been tempting to by-pass this step. They were obviously in the right and the odds were heavily in their favor. Though the Benjamites had a few skilled fighters, they were their brethren, not some super-race, and Israel outnumbered them, 400,000 to less than 27,000. But they did the right thing. They consulted God, and he so approved that he gave them his strategy. On their side were natural superiority, righteousness, divine approval, and the wisdom and infinite 181

might of the Lord of hosts. In obedience to their Lord, they marshaled their forces, high in faith and in the power of God. And they were slaughtered. In one day 22,000 of them were slain. They wept. They prayed. They sought the Lord again. Empowered by a fresh word from God, they mobilized for the second day. And 18,000 more of them were massacred (Judges, chapters 19-20). The mighty Son of God came to earth. This was the climax of a divine plan conceived before the earth was formed, and for millennia intricately woven into the fabric of human history. It was the showdown: creature versus Creator, dust versus divinity, filth versus purity, mortality versus immortality. And Jesus died. In Pharaohs court, occult powers miraculously produce many times more vipers than God. In the time of the judges, Gods forces are routed by an army of inferior strength. At Calvary, Gods Son is dead. How I thank God for the Bible! Few other Christian books tell it as it really is: you can be flowing in the power of God, following his instructions to the letter in absolute purity and be routed by Satans puny forces. But only for a season. Moses rod swallowed up the sorcerers rods. On the third day, Israel crushed the Benjamites. Jesus, on the third day, swallowed up death, having crushed the devil. Bless you! Grantley

Day 37 [From Anne and Honest] Grantley, you wrote: Demons of lust might, for instance, harass a Christian with 182

unusually intense and prolonged temptation Yes they do and temptation is only one of their many tools. perhaps, for example, under the illusion that resistance is useless. They keep at you until you believe this is true. the impassioned prayers of a man who longed to serve God. We want the same thing in our life. With Satan lusting after us like a crazed beast, we either pray or are preyed upon. YIKES Add this to prayer and you have an arsenal against which the combined forces of hell are reduced to a cringing rabble of terrified wimps. I want to always keep that picture in my head. In addition, we need prayer to build us up, empowering us for spiritual confrontation. Keeping all alters praying as much as they need, can be a very challenging task. Is it proper for you to passively endure an evil assault upon your person? I cant speak for everyone but we never passively endured their evil. It is more likely the evil has tricked them to think any number of things such as it is useless fight, this is love, I am helping you . . . Or the evil gives the person intense uncontrollable fear so they are too scared to fight, or the evil hides with alters so to be undetected, or the evil clouds your thinking so you cant remember or think clearly to call out to Jesus. or the evil controlled their body so they cannot move and they feel scared and helpless. We must understand that authority has nothing to do with how vibrant we feel. Yes, but this is easier said than done. It really helped us that you and the group reminded us over and over again. We seem to forget.

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My pastor says the devil especially attracts Christians who are living right because he doesn't want them to have success he is afraid of what the person is doing for the kingdom of God. Thanks for the message Grantley. We really liked it. We are trying hard to believe that we have power and authority and the devil is scared. Anne and Honest

[From Grantley] You wrote: temptation is only one of their many tools. Yes, although other methods are still essentially temptation the temptation to believe the tricks of demons rather than believe God. Keeping all alters praying as much as they need, can be a very challenging task. Yes, but prayer need not be dull. Staying close to Jesus, having lighthearted fun with him, hugging him, building your awareness of his great love for you, enjoying him, listening to him, asking him about the keys to victory in spiritual warfare, can all be very enjoyable and are all that are needed. It really helped us that you and the group reminded us over and over again. We seem to forget. The fogging of ones thinking is a particularly insidious demonic weapon, but demons always play dirty. we are trying hard to believe that we have power and authority and the devil is scared. The time will come when you with know this truth in every fiber of your being because you would have seen it so often, but until then, holding on in faith is quite a struggle though so very important. Bless you, my friends! 184

Grantley

Day 38 [From Honest] We have grown very much, you know. You taught us that we can be free from the evil father, and how we can do it too. We cant thank you enough so we will just say, MUCOUS GRACIOUS GRANTLEY!! :) :) :) Honest

We skip almost 30 days to an important issue that Honest raises Day 67 [From Honest] Grantley, do you ever get sick of me having so many questions?? I just have one question, I promise. Jesus comes to me when I act brave and ask him to be with me, and I really want him to be with me with all of my heart. Then he will come be with me but he never stays forever. He always comes to me, he makes me feel safe and loved, and he talks to me and gives me help. Then he leaves so I have to think about what he told me. He doesnt stay with me all the time. Does he stay with you all of the time? I wish he did for me, too, because I never feel scared or alone or less than brave when he is with me. He takes it all away like magic. No more questions. Bye, Grantley.

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[From Grantley] You wrote: do you ever get sick of me having so many questions?? Not at all, my friend. I just have one question, I promise. Ask as often as you wish. Jesus . . . doesnt stay with me all the time. Jesus is always with you. He lives inside you. Its just that sometimes he makes his presence seem very real to you. does he stay with you all of the time? He doesnt ever visit me like he visits you. He does this for you so that you will know that he is real but he wants us all to get to the point where we live by faith i.e. that we believe he is always present and always hears our prayers etc. even when we do not see or feel or hear him. Can you understand this? Your friend, Grantley

Day 68 [From Honest] Grantley, you wrote: Can you understand this? Yes I can. Thank you, Grantley.

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Have a great day, Honest Jesus, thank you for being with me and showing me that you are real. I love when you come and be with me. It makes me feel very good inside. I wish you can always be with me but I understand that I need to have faith and trust in my heart that you will always be with me even if I cannot see you. Thank you for putting Grantley, Ian, and Mary, and the rest of this great group in my life. We very much appreciate them all. One day when the time is right, I hope you will be with Grantley in the same way you visit me because I know he will be speechless with joy to see you and it will help him to help other people too. You put the amazing in this amazing world, and we love you very much Jesus. Amen Honest

[From Grantley] Honest, perhaps you noticed that my email to you spoke to Marys alter, Enchanted. Just in case you missed it, she wrote: Grantley, I read an email you wrote to Honest and you said: He doesnt ever visit me like he visits you. He does this for you so that you will know that he is real but he wants us all to get to the point where we live by faith i.e. that we believe he is always present and always hears our prayers etc. even when we do not see or feel or hear him. Grantley, I dont understand that at all, but I think it has happened to me. I used to see Jesus everywhere and feel him all the time. Punk and I used to play games with him all the time. And now, Punk says shes merged with me and I dont see, hear or feel Jesus or Punk anymore. It makes me very sad and lonely. And Im scared a lot. I know that what I experienced with Jesus playing with me was real. And being able to crawl up in his lap 187

helped me to feel better lots of times. But I havent seen him much at all lately. And I want him back like things were before. It makes me feel like I have been bad or naughty or something. I know I have been naughty sometimes and Im sorry about that. Grantley, why does all this have to be so hard? If its okay for me to be a little girl, then why doesnt Jesus stay with me like he would any other little girl? How does a little girl have faith? Mary says we have to go. Thanks for being my friend, Grantley. Enchanted ----------And I replied: Jesus is still with you and still hears your prayers, so keep talking to him. I know that what I experienced with Jesus playing with me was real. Yes, it was and this was to reassure you that Jesus is very real and that he deeply loves you. I know I have been naughty sometimes and Im sorry about that. I think you have tried hard to do the right thing and in any case whenever we tell Jesus we are sorry, he forgives us. why doesnt Jesus stay with me like he would any other little girl? He does stay with you. It is just that sometimes this is easier for you to believe this than at other times. How does a little girl have faith? Easy. It is usually easier for children than for adults, actually.

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The Lord knows there are times when feelings are not reliable and that we need to stand strong when we cant see and feel. So God is kindly giving you this opportunity to grow strong in faith so that you will stand when things get tough. We cant learn to live by faith without having these times. During those times we FEEL as if we are getting weaker but these times actually cause us to grow stronger. As I have written: In the gloom, qualities like faith, grit, and dedication, are stretched to limits we have never before reached. Yet life seems so oppressive we are oblivious to our triumphs. In pristine conditions eyes of faith can see forever. When storms close in, it is a mammoth task for those same eyes to even slightly pierce the swirling murk. It is the conditions, not you, that have deteriorated. Contrary to every feeling, you are not regressing. Though offered with the best intentions, much sentimental waffle is sometimes uttered about returning to ones first love, as if the starry-eyed euphoria of new Christians is greater than the mature depths of your average older Christian. Poppycock! Most spiritual honeymooners are radiant primarily because they think they have entered a blissful world of near-perfect Christians, instant answers to selfish prayers and a life forever free from pain, heartache and trials. Theirs is most likely mere puppy love, relative to the ardor moving you to tough it out. Never confuse devotion with emotion. Though Im all for emotional exuberance, the Bible measures love, not in tingles per second, but in putting ones life on the line. (1 John 3:16-18) Its pain endured in the valley, not gooey feelings in the afterglow of mountaintop ecstasy, that validates love. By all means, passionately seek the face of God, but dont assume that emotional deadness a normal phase of anyones spiritual life implies spiritual deadness. We march by faith, not by warm fuzzies. An athlete, in the midst of a record-breaking run, has never in his life been so fit and strong. Yet his painracked body may have never felt so weak. Likewise, in the midst of a spiritual trial, it is not uncommon to be stronger and yet feel weaker than ever before. And to fellow Christians you might seem hopeless. An ultramarathon champion staggering up the final hill looks 189

pathetic. A child could do better. Anyone not understanding what this man has gone through would shrink from him in disgust. Only someone with all the facts would be awed by his stamina as he stumbles on. Honest, you wrote: Jesus thank you for being with me and showing me that you are real. I love when you come and be with me. It makes me feel very good inside. I wish you can always be with me but I understand that I need to have faith and trust in my heart that you will always be with me even if I cannot see you. Your prayer was so beautiful, Honest! You are really growing spiritually! The only power evil has ever had over people was their sin, which caused them to be separated from the only One powerful enough to protect them spiritually God. But Jesus hung in your place, taking all the punishment you deserve for your sins. Now that you realize that the penalty of sin has been fully paid, the powers of darkness have no more claim over you. One way of looking at it is that it is as if you had been kidnapped and enslaved by the powers of darkness but Jesus has paid the ransom to free you and the payment was Jesus very life! Another way of looking at it is that, like all of us, you were hopelessly in debt to evil and because of this it could order you around, but now that the debt has been fully paid by Jesus, the powers of evil have no more claim on you. The challenge, however, is that evil plays dirty. Even though demons have no right to order you around, they will try to cheat and trick you and act by bluff, as if they had the right to control you. You need to stand up to them and refuse to let them dominate you. They wont like it and they will try to act tough and use all sorts of threats but the truth is that they have no hold on you because, through spiritual union with the holy Son of God, you belong to Almighty God. So they have no right to touch you, and they know it, but YOU need to know it, too, so that you can enforce your rights. Your friend, Grantley

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 2011, Grantley Morris. May be freely copied in whole or in part provided: it is not altered; this entire paragraph is included; readers are not charged and it is not used in a webpage. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings available free online at www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. For use outside these limits, consult the author. http://www.net-burst.net/counselor-therapist/psychological-test-DID.htm Psychological Tests to Diagnose Dissociative Identity Disorder

Net-Burst.Net

Net-Burst.Net

Official Medical (Psychiatric) Diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.)

As tools to speed their understanding of individuals, psychologists have developed a wide range of questionnaire-type tests. IQ tests are a wellknown example. Among the many tests are ones designed to diagnose Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known by the older term of Multiple Personality Disorder). I would not regard any test as infallible but much care has been taken in developing the tests and the more they are used in conjunction with each other, the more reliable they are. Note: Free, on-line tests exist but they are highly unreliable and not recommended. The following information has been kindly provided by a professional who herself has D.I.D. She is in the U.S.A. and her information applies to that country. These tests need to be administered by a PhD level Psychologist or other Mental Health Provider (regulations differ from state to state in the US). This is because considerable skill is needed for accurate interpretation of the results. The further removed in culture the person taking the test is from a white, middle class American, the more care is required to 191

interpret the results and the less reliable it is likely to be. Greater accuracy is believed to occur if a professional asks the questions, rather than it being reduced to a pen and paper test. The more tests that are used, the more likely it is that the final result is valid. The tester also needs to be comfortable with the fact that Christians believe it is not unusual to contact angels, demons and God. Otherwise some of the answers could be wrongly interpreted as psychosis or deliberate fabrication. The larger and more valid tests usually cost several hundreds of dollars ($250$500+) and unless there is a competent physician who understands the testing and there is a good reason for doing the testing (not just for curiositys sake or personal confirmation), most insurance companies do not cover the cost. Also, the tests themselves can be very triggering and can cause some distress. Another important consideration is who will be seeing the results and what they will be used for. Confidentiality is a must. Professionals understand the importance of confidentiality but it is worth asking about the office procedures regarding handling of client files and who will see your information and for what purpose. No one should intimidate you into doing anything you feel uncomfortable about. If you feel your questions and concerns are not being given adequate attention, end the appointment and seek someone who will give you the care and respect you deserve. You have a right to have the test administered in as comfortable an environment as possible where privacy can be maintained. It is your right to view the results of the testing usually through a summary written by the professional and have it explained in a non-intimidating, non-judgmental, confidential manner. Furthermore, you have a right to a copy of the summary and to ask for a second opinion. Tests occasionally undergo revisions that further increase their accuracy. Occasionally, practitioners buy in bulk and could have old stock. It might be worthwhile asking if the lastest revision is being used. Here are the tests, ranked approximately from the most useful/important for D.I.D. diagnosis down to the least important: 1. MMPI-2-RF: Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory A 338 item tester administered inventory which is a standard in many psychological circles to help in the correct diagnosis of an individual. Some of the conditions that it can help interpret are schizophrenia, depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, dissociation, and a host of other personality/behavior disorders. This is usually used in conjunction with MCMI-II (see 6. below) but 192

if cost prevents this, MMPI-2-RF alone is still better than not using this test. 2. SCID-D-R: Structured Clinical Interview for DSM-IV Dissociative DisordersRevised A 250 item interview meaning it is tester administered face-toface in question/answer format. 3. MID: Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation A 218 question self-reporting measure. 4. DAPS: The Detailed Assessment of Posttraumatic Stress A 105-item inventory that provides detailed information on an adult clients history of various types of trauma exposure and their psychological reactions to the trauma including dissociation. 5. DES-II: Dissociative Experiences Scale A 28 item self-reporting measure. 6. MCMI-II: Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory This, along with the Rorschach (ink-blot test) and TAT (Thematic Apperception Test consists of 20 drawings) can provide information regarding various ways that a person interprets information and understands the world around them. The Rorschach and TAT tests are especially subjective in nature. 7. MDI: Multi-Scale Dissociation Inventory A 30 item self reporting measure of the individuals dissociative symptoms. 8. PAS: Perceptual Alterations Scale A 35 item self-reporting measure. 9. QED: Questionnaire on Experiences of Dissociation A 26 item self-reporting measure. A good provider may also administer an Intelligence test such as the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale-III (WAIS-III) which can screen for and differentiate psychosis from dissociation, as sometimes DID is misunderstood as a psychotic disorder. God is the center and source for all healing, writes the abuse survivor recovering from D.I.D. who compiled this page. Never forget this, even if you receive some help from professionals. For self-diagnosis and indicators suggesting Dissociative Identity Disorder, understand that alter is a term for a separate personality associated with D.I.D., and see How Can You Know if You Have an Alter? http://www.net-burst.net/counselor-therapist/fast-healing.htm How to Speed Healing How fast is too fast? 193

With Vicki Morris

Counselors and others will benefit from this webpage, but the primary focus is the people my wife and I especially admire: everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D., formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). These are people who, simply to survive, have already overcome astounding obstacles and afflictions. They will become great achievers when they heal. NetBurst.Net I vividly recall the first friend I helped heal from the negative aspects of Dissociative Identity Disorder. It was a hard, exhausting slog to assist the first few parts (also known as alters or insiders) who revealed themselves. We would have felt particularly daunted had we known back then that we would end up discovering over sixty parts and some people have very many hundreds of parts. Thankfully, the process gradually got easier and easier, and faster and faster as we found out what to tell each part whenever we first discover one we have never met before. The following is a detailed suggested outline of what to tell your parts as soon as you can after first meeting each one. I encourage you to always use this outline so as not to miss critical points. Nevertheless, you will need to tailor it to your situation and to the specific alter you are talking with, such as simplifying the language if the alter is young. It is particularly important to introduce the following information at whatever pace this part of you is able to go. With some alters you are likely to be able to say very little at first and will instead need to spend much time winning their confidence and proving by your actions that you truly understand and care for them. For an explanation as to why alters can fear or despise you and how to overcome these serious obstacles to healing, see How to Find Every Alter & Get Each Alter to Talk. Especially when parts have not been around for years, they often find almost any information overwhelming because what you share is likely to clash alarmingly with their expectations. They might suddenly retreat into hiding after

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you say a few words. Thats fine. They are just taking needed time-out to think through the new information and come to terms with it. When they are ready, they will pop out again and then, after gently reassuring and comforting them, they can be told a little more until they again feel the need for a break. They will recover from the initial shock and adjust (often in a matter of just a few days) and get stronger and stronger. Obviously, any of your parts who are capable of reading could read the following without your help. If possible, however, it is highly preferable for you to go through it with each part, sensitively expanding on anything you think would be helpful, responding to any questions, and modifying anything, as you see fit. A significant advantage of your contribution is that it will immediately help the part feel less alone and more a valued member of a close-knit group of friends that truly care about each other, help each other and are working towards a common goal. The following is what a part who fully understands D.I.D. might tell a part who has been kept out of the loop for a long while and so knows very little. Text in square brackets like [this] are notes to the more experienced alter. Why We Need Each Other Hi, my name is [the alter who understands D.I.D. inserts his/her name]. You are important to me and if you let me, I would love to be your friend. I have information that can help you and you have knowledge and abilities that can help me, too. If you know me and I didnt treat you right, I am deeply sorry and I long to make it up to you. I should have listened to you and supported you. I never understood how important you are and how much respect and kindness you deserve. How can I put things right? How can I be the friend to you that you deserve? I would like to explain what I have discovered about who you and I are and why you are so important. Through no fault of our own we suffered awful experiences. As a result, we found ourselves faced with this daunting challenge: how can anyone survive when faced with multiple problems, just one of which is so overwhelming as to be almost beyond human 195

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Help with Multiple Personalities

ability to endure? How could anyone put aside all the pressures and distractions of one mind-numbing problem long enough to focus on other vitally important, highly demanding matters? Consider, for example, a child whose home-life fills her with terror. She is safer at school but when she is there she needs to somehow block from her mind awareness of her home-life in order to function at school without being incapacitated by anguish over what she suffered yesterday and paralyzed with fear about what might happen tonight. Heres another type of problem: children have a deep need to believe they have a kind mother who can be trusted to keep them safe. As much as possible, a child needs to be able to enjoy times when her mother is nice, without those times being ruined by the knowledge that occasionally her mother acts toward her more like a terrifying monster than a mother. Out of absolute necessity, a person having to cope with any such traumatic, conflicting situations, is forced to become very skilled at blocking out awareness of some parts of her life in order to sufficiently focus on other necessary aspects of her life that must be attended to. Such a persons mind becomes rigidly divided into various parts, each of which is freed up to focus on certain tasks by being kept unaware of highly distracting and upsetting matters that other parts of her mind must deal with. You and I are parts of one clever mind that was forced by the immensity of what we have had to cope with to be divided and kept unaware of the distressing concerns of other parts. Circumstances are now improving, however, and we no longer need to be so divided and unaware of each others problems. From now on, the more aware of each other we become, and the more we do things together, the more we can achieve and the better we will feel and the safer we will be. Things are Better Than You Realize Reality was once so horrible for us that to give ourselves a necessary break from it and help us feel safer, we partly withdrew into a fantasy world. We were so good at it that our fantasy world began to seem completely real. As a result, the truth can be staggeringly different to what we expect it to be. Once we get used to it, however, we will

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discover that reality is actually a pleasant surprise. Life is now better than it ever used to be and it is now safe and good to come out of our fantasy world and re-enter the real world. [Explain to the new alter why things are now safer than when that part was formed. You might have moved location so that your former abusers no longer have ready access to you. Perhaps your former abusers are even dead or infirmed. Your body is more mature, which means you are no longer dependent upon abusers. Perhaps you are also stronger and less easily overpowered physically. Being older means you are more likely to be believed if you report abuse to authorities, thus making abusers more frightened of you. You are likely to now have greater resources and maturity to cope, and greater ability to see through the scary and condemning lies abusers told you. Also share with the part lots of good things you have experienced since that part was formed. It might take an effort to think of good things, but they are there.] You used to be surrounded by people who, despite claiming to be right, told you horrific but convincing lies to trick you into making you feel bad about yourself and scared. You did not deserve to be lied to and put down. You might have been treated as if you were less than human, or you might have wished you were less than human. Or you might have longed to be the opposite sex because it seemed that if you were you might have been treated better. But now it is safe to be fully human and to be the gender that your body is, and now you have the support of the rest of us who live in this body. We believe in you and respect you and long to be your warm, safe friends, if you want us. For a long while we did not understand that being treated badly had split us into different parts, all of whom are good and important, share the same body and belong to each other. This, and other misconceptions, caused some of us to ignore each other and accidentally and sometimes even deliberately hurt each other. We are very sorry about this. Thankfully, those days are over and we all want to be best friends with every part. We are now kind to each other, respect each other, listen carefully to each other, are truthful with each other, believe each other, comfort and encourage each other, and try hard to help each other feel good about himself/herself. For some of us, the bad things that happened to us are so strong in our memories that they seem only like yesterday 197

when they actually happened a surprisingly long time ago and many good things have happened since. We will not have to suffer from the bad memories and distress for all of our lives. These things will slowly fade in our memories and life will get better and better. Finding the Best Friend Our lives are far more valuable than we had thought and we are headed for good things. We had bad people in our lives who claimed to be right but were cruel and nasty. There were some others who genuinely tried to help us but they still ended up letting us down. Not everyone is like that, however. There are some good people in this world, even though they can sometimes be hard to find. Nevertheless, humans are not perfect. We need a friend who will never, ever hurt or disappoint us or make a mistake or not fully understand us or not always like us or not always be available when we need a friend. The only person like that is not human. He is God. Because he is God and not human, he is not sexual and he is utterly selfless. Many people lie about God, saying awful things about him that are totally false. Sometimes evil spirits pretend to be God or his Son Jesus. The real God, however, is good and kind and thinks highly of you and of the rest of us. He is gentle and patient and forgiving. He never tricks us nor forces us to do things. He never touches us in a bad way. Anyone claiming to be God or Jesus who is not like that is bluffing. Such a being is a fake and we can totally ignore him. Moreover, because the real God is on our side, we can order any such deceiver to leave. People have blamed us for things, and we have blamed ourselves for things, but despite what people might say, God does not blame us at all. And the exciting thing is that God is the Judge of all the world. What he says is right and his opinion of us will stand for all eternity. Anyone who disagrees with him will be proved wrong. Rather than let us be blamed, the Son of God cares for us so deeply that he came to earth so that he could take upon himself all of our blame and shame and suffer all the punishment and disgrace that we and others think we deserve. The punishment was so torturous and he absorbed it so fully that it killed him. Nevertheless, he suffered it 198

willingly so that we could be made totally innocent and blameless in Gods eyes. It seems far too good to be true but we have discovered that Jesus is so amazingly good that it is absolutely true. So although we do not always realize it, all our shame and blame has totally gone because of Jesus. And because he himself was totally innocent, he was able to come back to life again after fully extinguishing all our blame and punishment. He considers all his suffering worth it when we no longer blame ourselves and no longer believe that we are guilty or think that we still deserve to be punished. He likes us so much that when we are happy, it makes him really happy and when we feel sad, it makes him feel sad. He is the best friend anyone could ever have and he would love to be your friend, just as he is my friend. It will be a slow process but all of us will end up finding life enjoyable and fulfilling and we will be a blessing to God. Many people will spend eternity thanking us for the great help we have been to them. It might not seem that way at present, but it will happen. Sharing the Same Body We all share the same body. So if any of us killed himself/herself, it would kill us all, and if anyone hurt the body, it would hurt us all. It will take a while, but you will end up feeling better, and those of us who are already beginning to feel better do not want to die or have our body hurt. So we beg you, for their sake, dont hurt yourself, even when the urge to do so is strong. There are much better ways of ending your distress than hurting yourself. These ways might take a while to work but you will end up really happy that you chose them rather than hurting yourself. Even baby parts who cannot even talk can learn in a matter of weeks not only how to talk but to read and write, but even if they still play with childrens toys, they can develop skills that not even adult parts can equal. So you are now part of a team of highly capable parts and some of them are quickly becoming even more capable. You are no longer in the scary situation where everything depends solely on you. So you can at last relax. You are surrounded by parts who are keen to support you and ensure your safety. Even more amazing and reassuring is that God, who never needs to rest, is forever looking after us, every moment day and night and if there is anything we need to be aware of when we are 199

sleeping or distracted, he will alert us the instant we need to know. Keeping Safe It is of extreme importance that all of us you and all the other parts of you always make good decisions that end up being in your best interest and keep you safe. The danger, however, is that no one, no matter how intelligent, caring and capable, can be sure of making safe decisions without knowing all the relevant facts. You are of extreme importance in deciding what should be done because you know things that no one else knows. Your other parts need you. Each of your other parts, however, are equally important because they know things that you dont. This is because you and each of your other parts have had times when you were asleep or in hiding, when other parts of you were actively observing or learning or doing things of great significance in deciding the best course of action. There are a million of possibilities, but heres one example. An alter who is active most of the time might have been protected by another part from unpleasant information about her parents. She believes her parents are safe but another part of her knows that her father regularly attacked her. Without her knowing this about her father, it could be highly dangerous for her to make the decision to visit her parents, spending several nights in their home. [Vicki and Grantley, the authors of this webpage, have had friends who have ended up suffering horribly because of such a decision.] On the other hand, another part might be horrified about her making this decision and doesnt know how to gently persuade her. So in utter desperation this part does something harmful to the body in order to try to prevent the trip to the parents. This could cause needless suffering if the alter taking this desperate action did not realize that it is safe to go home because the father has died. Such a situation is common, as parts are often totally unaware that for them time has flown because they had been unconscious for many years while one or more other parts were getting on with life. To keep oneself safe, every part of you needs to meet each other and share what each of you knows. Only then will you be able to piece together all the facts that will empower you to choose the safest and wisest course of action in each

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situation you face. Any sharing of information will be invaluable, but it is almost impossible to be certain that there are no other parts of you with critical information who have so far remained in hiding. Even when every part has fully shared, however, there is still someone who knows even more. No, it is not a counselor. The one who knows absolutely everything in the entire universe is God. And he alone has infinite intelligence. Anyone who has him as a friend has an enormous advantage. If you are afraid of him or dont have him as a friend, we will not force you in any way, but there is no need for that situation to continue. Have you had people say bad things about you that are not true? Well people treat God that way all the time. He is actually the best and safest friend anyone could ever have and, despite what you might imagine, he thinks the world of you. Even if you struggle with that at present, you have some parts who have made this discovery and are friends with God. So if those parts have heard from God on a matter, that is immense wisdom that you can benefit from. Meetings We have meetings, where all parts get together and discuss important decisions, and so on. You, along with all parts get to fully explain your views and wishes and when everyone has shared their insight into the matter, you and the rest of us get to vote on it. We all agree to follow whatever decision wins the majority vote. Agreement is important because we all live in the same body. United we stand; divided we stumble. [Note to the more experienced part: if what is described in the following paragraph has not yet occurred, I strongly suggest that you let it happen because God deeply wants it and you will all greatly benefit from it.] One day, God offered us the incredible privilege of letting him be a part of us. Some of us saw immediately what an astounding opportunity it was. We would have access to all his unlimited kindness, knowledge and help. Others of us were worried about what it might mean. We discussed it in depth with each other, voicing hopes and fears about this momentous decision. Finally we decided to put it to a vote, agreeing as always that we would all abide by the decision of the majority. God won the vote. Even those who 201

originally voted against having God as one of our parts now agree that it was the smartest decision we have ever made. God never forces us. He simply discusses things with us and votes on them just like any other part. He encourages us, laughs at our jokes, answers our questions and makes us feel so much better. If we disagree with each other on anything, we go to him to sort it out. We can trust his decision because he likes each of us equally. He is totally fair and he is the smartest person in the universe. Making Life Easier and Better When parts of a person know much about each other, they become warm, wonderful friends who help and support each other and have lots of safe fun together. When they know very little, however, a few parts that some people have, can seem nasty. They have a good, kind heart but having been cut off from important information sometimes forces them to take drastic action in a desperate attempt to protect themselves and others. We mentioned an example of this with someones part who believed they were about to be exposed to immense danger by returning to the parents house. This part sincerely believed there was no other way to stay safe other than take drastic action. When a part learns more of the facts and learns how to more gently and more persuasively help other parts not make dangerous decisions, everything calms right down. It is far easier to ask a friend to do something for you than to try to convince an enemy or someone you have been nasty to. People trust and believe friends, not someone who threatens them. So becoming friends with your parts not only makes life much more enjoyable and safer, it actually helps you get your own way. All of us agree to be nice to each other. If a part mistakenly thinks that hurting us will keep us safe or some such thing, we discuss it with the part, helping him or her to understand. [When convenient, it would be helpful provide to this part of you with a timeline of significant events in your life, both good and bad, such as abuse, education, marriage, family, and so on, along with photos and mementoes and a map showing where you have lived and how far away you now live in relation to everything that has happened in the past.] That ends my suggestion of what to explain to alters who have been out of the loop to help them to come up to speed 202

as quickly as possible. I would now like to move on to other things that can help fast-track healing. We all want healing as fast as possible but, sadly, many attempts to speed healing from Dissociative Identity Disorder sabotage the entire healing process.

Thanks for the Memories? A woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder approached me with this prayer request: I want to heal without recalling all of the memories. I understand exactly where this dear woman is coming from. Bad memories can terrify us. The problem, however, is that it is our refusal to face those memories that causes Dissociative Identity Disorder. Remaining unaware of what part of us is doing (or has done) is at the very heart of D.I.D. So her prayer request makes as much sense as praying, Lord, I dont want to be separated from my husband but I want nothing more to do with him. Some things are logical impossibilities insane absurdities that not even God can do. All guilt, fear and torment associated with memories need to end but this is not the same as losing those memories. What this woman has not yet grasped is that her continued inability to remember unpleasant events would be a tragedy, not a blessing. There are several aspects to this, so it will take a few paragraphs to explain. To run from memories would be to cave into false feelings of shame, fear or inability to cope. It would be to languish in needless defeat. Thats not Gods plan for you. Christ took all your shame, blame and pain, bearing it all in his own naked, tortured body so that you can lift your head high. Through Christ, you are a winner; not one who runs away, but a hero clothed with divine majesty in Gods royal family. Our walk with Christ is about love, adventure and glory. Its not about escapism, wasting ones life and trashing opportunities for greatness. It has no partnership with cowardice and the eternal regret it brings. We might be born

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failures but through Christ we are transformed; born anew for achievement, heroism and honor. God has astounding faith in what you can do empowered by him. You are called to jettison shame, defeatism and self-indulgence to enter into holy union with the all-powerful Conqueror and, thus endowed, to reign with him in regal splendor: 2 Timothy 2:12 If we suffer, we shall also reign with him . . . (KJV). Romans 8:17 . . . we are heirs heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Revelation 3:2 To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. Dont dare dishonor the Lord of glory by thinking this is beyond you. For Christ, who has invested the last drop of his blood into ensuring your success, impossibilities are playthings. You are one with the Almighty Lord. You are in him and he is in you; melded together in the most thrilling of unions. Furthermore, even if full healing without recovery of memories were neither irrational, nor a needless defeat, it would render much of your past agony a useless waste. You are passionately loved of God; the darling of his heart. He is far too devoted to you to want you to undergo such a tragic loss. Instead, his plan is to transform your past suffering into something that exalts you to eternal heights of glory like nothing else could ever achieve. His goal is not to destroy your memories but to heal your memories so that they no longer distress you and so that your past suffering becomes something uniquely valuable. Remembering your past will not only enable you to better comprehend the love of God but will equip you with the ability to minister with unique experience and conviction to other hurting people. This is the path to eternal glory. Astoundingly, not even the Eternal Son of God, the Infinite Lord of Glory, could be granted the authority to fulfill the exalted role of Ultimate High Priest without his familiarity with, and memory of, his own suffering (for a short explanation, see The Unexpected Value of Bad Memories). Someone who finds study highly taxing devotes year after 204

arduous year to medical studies. Finally he qualifies as a doctor. Now all the hard work is behind him and at last he can truly help people, save lives and reap all the benefits of his study. Can you imagine him rendering all his efforts a useless waste by praying to forget everything he has learnt? We dont need more self-proclaimed experts who trample on other peoples feelings; arrogant theorizers exposing themselves to the wrath of God by ignorantly thinking they are helping when they are devastating people who are already writhing in inner agony. The world is filled with in fact has had its fill of such people. What are as rare as diamonds, however, are people who truly understand; people whose advice does not come from a book or vain imagination but from genuine experience; leaders who, like Jesus, can say, Ive been there follow me. Youve endured what it takes to qualify as one of those rare and valued people who truly know. Now, with almost all the sweat and tears behind you, will you throw it all away by praying to forget it all? The great apostle Paul seems to have suffered no loss of memory when reeling off the precise number and ways in which he was tortured: 2 Corinthians 11:24-25 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea . . . In fact, he seems to have seen his suffering as something to boast about: 2 Corinthians 11:23, 12:1 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. . . . I must go on boasting. . . . You might long to keep suppressed within you horrific memories and/or awareness of your current emotional reaction (such as fear, pain or shame) associated with those memories. Disturbingly, however, for as long as a part of you has memories and/or emotional reactions that you have no access to, you are unable to access that part of your brain in which those memories and emotions are stored. Of particular concern is that for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder 205

(often called alters or insiders) have not just memories and emotions but other intellectual abilities. So if you have an alter you have little interaction with, those parts of your brain that you have lost access to almost certainly hold not only memories and emotions but valuable skills and intellectual abilities. I have already detailed this in another webpage so you can skip this if you wish but it is worth repeating here, just in case you missed that page. Of course, not everyone has every ability, but people with Dissociative Identity Disorder are likely to feel certain they do not have certain abilities and yet have those very abilities locked away in a part of the brain they are currently too scared to access. These abilities could already be in a quite developed form or able to be developed far quicker than most people are capable of. The possibilities are almost limitless and will vary from person to person but in a previous webpage I provided a few examples of improved abilities that people who, in an attempt to protect themselves from unwanted memories or feelings, could be cutting themselves off from. In case you missed that list, I will repeat it here. By connecting with his or her alters, a person might end up with remarkably improved: * Eyesight (Example) * Manual dexterity * Ability to use the non-dominant hand * Surefootedness, such as ability to climb rugged terrain * Athletic ability * Short-term or long-term memory * Musical ability * Speed reading skills * Creative cooking * Mathematical ability * Direction finding and navigational skills

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* Ability to thoroughly enjoy marital relations * Grammar and spelling * Creative writing * A flair for public speaking * Sense of humor * Linguistic ability * Artistic ability * Dress sense * Parenting skills * Ability to handle stress * People skills * Freedom from certain phobias * Spiritual abilities such as spiritual warfare * Intimate experiences with God The above tiny overview should suffice to give a little insight into the tragic implications of an intellectual loss, so lets move on and gain a little insight into the seriousness of an emotional loss. We will start with an analogy: if you were desperate enough to avoid seeing anything evil, you could blind yourself. The problem, of course, is that no matter how much this way of rendering yourself unable to see evil things might feel like protecting yourself, it would mean that you could never see beauty and things you desperately need to see. You would be severely handicapped, thus reducing the amount of good you could achieve. Likewise, totally cutting yourself off from unpleasant feelings cannot be done without cutting yourself off from certain good feelings. You would lose your zest for life and various enjoyments that God longs to bless you with. Moreover, it would emotionally handicap you, thus lowering the amount of good you could do. To suppress an alter will do more than diminish your intellectual and emotional capacity, however. It will directly diminish you spiritually. Christians sometimes talk of head

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knowledge versus heart knowledge. Head knowledge lets you know a spiritual truth intellectually but it does little or nothing for you. This is because, even though you might be unconscious of what is happening within you, the lifechanging power of that truth is being sabotaged by inner doubts or fears or lack of conviction or tightly held presumptions that are contrary to that spiritual truth. If you remain cut off from awareness of what is going on within you, or have little or no interaction with an alter, that part of you is cut off from your spiritual experience and insight, thus condemning yourself to having a part of you that will continually undermine the strength of your spiritual convictions and relationship with God. There are also moral implications. You might, for example, be desperate to break a sinful habit but a part of you has no idea that the habit should be broken and/or that part has no conception of how to draw upon the power of Christ to exercise self-control. So, unknown to you, part of you could be sabotaging your good intentions, not because any part is incurably evil with God nothing is incurable but simply because you have not sufficiently interacted with a part of you for that part to know and benefit from your understanding of Christ. So to suppress an alter, or to avoid befriending that part of you, is to diminish your intellectual, emotional and spiritual capacity. The only way to honor the God who gave you all this amazing potential is to get to know that alter, courageously embrace the unpleasant memories and feelings the alter has, and to increase your abilities by allowing the alter to develop spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. Ironically, facilitating this can only occur by empowering that alter, even if that alter is currently anti-God. This can seem a terrifying thing to do. It might seem that the alter is evil, and you could wrongly imagine that to empower him or her is to increase evil in your life. The reality, however, is that if you have found Christ and been empowered by the good Lord, then so can this part of you. And the only way this alter can be transformed into someone kind, loving, gentle and devoted to God is to be allowed to surface and to interact with you, or with others, who can help that part discover that Jesus is safe, kind, gentle, patient, wise and the best friend that anyone could ever have. No matter how strange they might initially seem, no alter is a non-human invader; a demon squatting in your brain to be 208

fought, rebuked or resisted. On the contrary, even the most obnoxious alter is a long-lost but indispensable part of a person for whom Jesus gave his life to redeem. Each alter is a lost sheep that the Good Shepherd never forgets or neglects. Rather, our Lord focuses all his attention on it. He cares so deeply that he lovingly leaves the ninety-nine to devote all his effort to search for the lost one so that he can rejoice over lovingly restoring it to the fold. We are called to be like Jesus, the Good Shepherd, who lays down his life for the lost. Even if you mistakenly see an alter as an enemy, remember that the One you are called to emulate loves his enemies more than his own life and is continually working on wooing them so that they will eventually discover that he is their best friend. We are called to turn the other cheek, rejoice when we are persecuted and win to Christ those who do not know him. Learning to do this begins with doing it with ones alters. Each of your alters is a vital, irreplaceable part of you. So for any alter to develop in any way means that you are developing. Empowering your alters to develop transforms you into the faithful servant in Jesus parable, rather than the one who buried his talent. Loving your alters and giving them the freedom to develop is Christlike behavior that glorifies God.

The Story So Far & Beyond Anyone not totally healed from D.I.D. is in the exciting position of being blessed with abilities that have yet to be fully discovered. If you have D.I.D, then both intellectually and in terms of spiritual development, emotional wholeness and fulfillment, alters are your most valuable asset. Wanting brain damage would make as much sense as wanting to be rid of your alters. Yes, without your alters you might temporarily be rid of some inner pain, conflict, sabotaging of your good intentions and shaming yourself but the way to permanently be rid of this is not through suppressing or oppressing your alters but by giving them every opportunity to heal and develop so that they can do you immense and continual good.

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Like a troubled marriage resulting in separation, an alter going into hiding is a defeat, even if it might seem more peaceful than the alter regularly interacting with you. For as long as the alter is in hiding, that alters unique help, insights, abilities and emotional support is lost, as is the opportunity for that alter to heal and for the alters abilities to continue to develop. The result might in the short term seem deceptively easier but it intellectually cripples and emotionally handicaps the person and it chokes healing, even though the person is typically unaware of the extent of the tragedy. It is like a child imagining it would be a gain if a baby brother died. Yes, both rivalry and the babys annoying crying would cease. The older child, however, has little conception of how the baby would have changed if allowed to grow and how he would have become a much-needed companion, playmate and support. It often turns out that the alter who seems the most annoying and useless ends up developing into one of the most needed, in regard to the invaluable abilities and the emotional support and the deepening of your relationship with God that the alter ends up providing. Contrary to what might seem intuitively right, your spiritual, intellectual and emotional development hinges on you continually empowering your alters. Both you and they should see integration as merely a further step in this long process. Integration is not getting rid of alters; it is joining forces with them. And the more alters that a particular alter merges with, the more empowered this alter will be. Any merging, however, is usually a long way down the healing/empowering process and any attempt to force the pace is likely to prove counterproductive. It is tempting to romanticize the strategies the minds of highly distraught children develop just to survive. In order to increase motivation to heal, however, let us be brutally honest. Sometimes called Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.), Dissociative Identity Disorder occurs when a persons mind, instead of remaining one harmonious whole, gets broken up into fragments. In this reaction to emotional trauma, a part of the persons awareness is cut off from other parts of the person. The result is like a committee in which no one knows 210

what anyone else is planning. The attractive side to this chaos is that it allows a form of escapism, giving part of the person a vacation from dealing with consequences of the trauma. Like cutting off a limb to temporarily reduce pain, however, the cost of this escapism is enormous. It both significantly reduces mental function and prevents the person from healing from the devastating effects of past hurts. For as long as there is inadequate communication between parts of a persons mind, the person will not only fail to reach his or her full intellectual potential but will remain in emotional torment. This has spiritual and relationship ramifications and keeps its victims far from peace, happiness and fulfillment that would otherwise be theirs. If someone in this situation never makes sufficient effort to understand and cooperate closely with other parts of his or her mind, this needless tragedy will grind on for an entire lifetime. Such people will have an awareness of how hard their life is but will have little comprehension of how wonderful their life would have been if only they had courageously persisted in reconnecting with their other parts. On the other hand, those who persist on the healing journey are repeatedly amazed to discover talents and abilities they never knew they had and keep finding deeper peace, fulfillment and achievement. What makes reconnecting so complex is that it is not reassembling a machine, but reconnecting parts of the human mind, each of which has gained full and independent access to human intelligence, emotions, will, memories, and so on. Each part has become so adept at functioning individually that each has become like an individual with distinct desires, agenda, and all the complexities of a full human being.

The Seldom-Understood Goal of Healing Sometimes a host (the alter who is most often in control) sees it as a failure to let other alters ever take control and interact with the real world. For a host to retreat from the real world out of fear and leave other alters floundering might indeed be a failure on the hosts part but it is entirely different to let other alters take over for a little while in a

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safe environment so that they can break their mentally crippling isolation by expressing themselves and learn about the real world. If it can be achieved, the ideal safe environment is where a more experienced alter remains aware of what is happening and is able to guide the alter should the need arise and even, in an emergency, regain control. If this skill has not yet been learnt, however, letting the alter take over is still safe and desirable if a trustworthy counselor or friend who understands D.I.D. is present. Some hosts (or even counselors) might mistakenly regard it as dissociation to let other alters come out and relate to the real world, but it is actually the opposite. Whereas to dissociate is to be in denial of an aspect of reality, freeing ones alters to relate to the real world is both acknowledging the reality of having alters and is helping alters discover current reality. If for years you kept a baby locked in a room 24/7 with nothing but four walls to see, no one to communicate with and nothing such a book or television to learn from, the baby might grow physically but mentally he would never grow. Likewise, not letting alters interact with the real world is an act of cruelty that stops little alters from ever growing up and prevents older alters from learning new things and seeing through the lies that have kept them reeling in the inner pain of fear or guilt or with shattered self-esteem or unaware of Gods eagerness to befriend and help them. The goal of healing is not to gain control of your alters nor to end switching from alter to alter. Rather, the goal is to gain control of your full intellectual, emotional and spiritual capacity, and switching is a vital stage in achieving that goal. Not every counselor realizes this. Some mistakenly presume that if switching has ended, the person has become normal and so must be healed. In reality, however, if parts of the person are still suppressed, that person is functioning far below his or her full capacity. If all alters are sufficiently allowed access to the real world they will each gradually mature and grow more and more alike, thus making switching increasingly less dramatic for the person and less detectable by other people. Eventually, the alters will become so alike that they will see no point in remaining separated from each other and they will gradually merge until there is no switching, simply because they are all empowered and truly one. To stop switching while there are still separate alters, however, would be to short-circuit 212

the entire process and prevent healing. Alters who have been kept in isolation might initially be so angry about what they have suffered or have had no opportunity to mature or know so little about the adult world that they temporarily embarrass the host. Anyone who understands D.I.D., however, regards this as perfectly normal and knows that it is only temporary while the alter is at last being given the opportunity to normalize. The brutal truth is that if you have alters who are just in the early stages of healing, you might find some of them not just an embarrassment but a huge source of emotional pain and confusion. They might even try to kill you in which case you have an urgent need to win them over; turning them into friends who trust you. Nevertheless, as you continue your healing journey you will discover that not only are alters not your enemies, they are, next to God himself, your greatest asset. It is smarter to hack off your arm and leg than to keep your alters suppressed or deny them the sometimes inconvenient and embarrassing things they need. To disregard them is to perpetuate your inner pain and the fragmenting of your intellect and keep you from the heights of fulfillment and achievement that you would otherwise reach. For Christians, the real goal of healing is not the ending of discomfort, but every part of you falling so in love with Christ as to eagerly yield to him, thus empowering you not only to reach your full intellectual, emotional, social and vocational potential, but your full spiritual potential; maximizing your ability to know and glorify the God whose love and devotion to you defies comprehension. That alone is the path to true fulfillment, and achievement that will last for all eternity.

The Challenge Anyone who forces his/her will on someone or puts someone down, silences him/her, suppresses him/her or despises the weak and the hurting, is an abuser. To be like Christ is to have a heart that continually seeks to encourage, uplift, buildup, liberate and empower people. It is to love the unlovely, to do good to those who are nasty. Who have you

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made your hero, the one you model your life on? Christ or an abuser? Who are you currently most like? What does the way your treat those closest to you who share your body tell you? If at present you act more like an abuser to certain parts of you that Christ loves more than his own life and let himself be tortured to death to redeem, you can end your shame. You can look to Christ and let him transform you into someone who loves as he does. A common but serious mistake is for people with D.I.D. to make decisions against their alters will. Whether this happens simply because they are unaware of their alters wishes or because they assume they know better than their alters, the results can be equally damaging. There are three reasons why disregarding an alters wishes can stop healing. 1. It is a law of nature that anything that grows must go through stages that cannot be skipped and there is a point beyond which these stages cannot be sped up. Alters must be allowed to develop at their own pace. 2. Forcing change upon alters triggers panic that paralyses them, preventing further growth. 3. Disregarding the wishes of ones alters breaks down trust and cooperation with ones alters, thus perpetuating fragmentation. As already touched on, two other essentials for ending fragmentation and becoming whole are the courage to let oneself remember and the courage to let oneself feel. Healing from trauma and reconnecting with alters requires more love and wisdom and trust between alters than humans are likely to ever muster. With such vast reserves of love, wisdom and trust required, anyone would be a fool to rob himself or herself of full healing by remaining distant from the only Source of infinite love and wisdom and from the only Person who is fully trustworthy God himself. Now lets move beyond this overview to the nitty gritty.

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Why Forcing Change Upon an Alter Makes Things Worse For Yourself God has worked into the very fabric of creation this law of nature: Mark 4:26-28 . . . This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head This applies to almost every living thing. If, for example, you want an acorn to grow into a mighty oak that everyone admires, you have no option but to let it slowly progress through every stage from tender shoot to spindly sapling, all the way through to full maturity. Refuse to let it go through the sapling stage and you will never get the oak you long for. Refuse to treat a shoot with greater tenderness than you would a tree and you will never get a tree. In the same way, if you want a little alter to grow up, you must let the alter go through childish stages. Should you not let an alter have its fill of childish things, that part of you will remain emotionally trapped as a stunted, hurting alter and, without you realizing it, this will in turn stunt your own intellect and your emotional maturity. Moreover, no matter how much you pretend it is not happening, the alters unhealed inner agony will flood over to you. So if you feel embarrassed about little alters, let that embarrassment drive you to facilitate their growth by meeting their current needs for childish things. Only when those needs are fully met are they able to grow up and leave childish things behind. To understand why forcing your will upon alters or making decisions without their consent can stop healing, we need to remember that alters were formed by trauma they had no control over. When new decisions are made without consulting ones alters, it triggers panic by reminding them of the most horrific time in their existence a time that

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corresponded with them having no control over what happened to them. What complicates things still further is that panic freezes ones mental processes. So even if the initial panic is an over-reaction, it hinders sane evaluation of the implications of the new event. In order to think clearly, the panic needs to subside. So alters need time to ponder the implications of a change, not so much because they need an unusually long time to think but because they need long enough to calm down in order to think clearly. To disregard an alters needs and fears is to act like an abuser. This will almost certainly throw them into panic and perhaps even trigger flashbacks and other horrific reactions. How could this not destroy trust between the alter and the part of the person that acted like an abuser by disregarding the alters need? And how could fragmentation and all its associated ills end, without all the fragmented parts of a person trusting each other so much that they work together as one harmonious whole? So trust is critical.

The Surprising Importance of Childish Things One of the most common causes of lost trust between parts of a person revolves around failing to understand the importance of childish things in the healing of an alter. Lets start with what for brevity we will call dolls, but they could be stuffed toys or figurines or other objects, such as a favorite blanket or article of clothing. It can just as easily apply to pets but since most adults can better understand an attachment to pets, they usually cause less bewilderment and embarrassment to adults. Safety is of paramount importance to anyone who feels seriously threatened, and most alters were not only once in grave danger but until they are healed they are petrified of a return to that danger. So if they find anything no matter how pathetic that helps them feel a little more secure, it will assume enormous importance to them, even though certain other alters (especially older ones) might not understand this.

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Many alters are terrified that anyone else might end up judging them or turning on them, but they know a doll will not. This is why for many young alters, a doll could be the only thing in the universe that helps them feel safe. Furthermore, trapped within alters can be such horrifically intense and painful feelings that it is not unusual for them to worry that their feelings could kill them or drive them insane or make them dangerously ill. They are petrified about getting in touch with their feelings or expressing them and yet those feelings are so horrendous that they scream for attention. Whether it be through hugs or actually talking to the doll, a doll can be the one thing that they feel able to bond with, and express their feelings to, thus making their almost unbearable life a little more tolerable. With nothing else able to fill this desperately needed role, a strong dependence upon the doll is inevitable. More than some concession to childishness, our experience with alters has convinced us that dolls are a therapeutic tool. Moreover, we are convinced that using them has divine approval. At the end of this page is a link describing how an alter received a doll in a manner that was so obviously of God that we are left certain that God considers the use of dolls important. Dolls can be so important, and yet adults can be so embarrassed about allowing their alters to benefit from them that if you require further persuading to let your young alters have the dolls they need, besides the above-mentioned link we have prepared additional information, including scientific evidence. See More About Dolls.

Way Beyond Dolls We have devoted so many words to dolls solely because they are one example of a vast range of possible things that alters might crave that anyone with little understanding of alters could be tempted to dismiss as stupid or trivial. If you disregard anything that an alter indicates as being important to him/her, you could end up making the serious

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mistake of denying them what they and hence you need to heal. Other than God himself, the greatest expert in knowing what a specific alter needs in order to heal is that very alter. Like all people, alters are individuals. They have unique past experiences that create unique needs. To highlight how critical it is to listen to each alter and not presume we know best, we will now seem to undo all our previous arguments about the benefits of dolls by stating that for a particular alter, a doll might not have the positive effect it has for other alters, and could actually hinder growth. If you would like to know what sort of experiences could cause an alter to react so differently to dolls, see Alters Differ. So our point is not that you should always give young alters dolls but that you should always take very seriously whatever they indicate is important to them, no matter how much it clashes with your own priorities and presumptions. If you have alters, there are many things critical to their emotional well-being that you are likely to find even more bizarre than needing a doll. Heres one example: even something as seemingly insignificant as washing an old sweater can traumatize an alter. As was the case with dolls, well give a brief explanation to help you understand the reason for it, but nothing an alter says should need to make sense to you before you take it seriously. If an alter tells you it is important to him/her, that should suffice. If it isnt sinful or harmful you should very strongly consider doing whatever the alter wants. That washing an old sweater could be upsetting will seem bizarre until you consider that quite average young children can become deeply attached to, for example, a blanket (fans of the Peanuts cartoon strip will recall Linuss security blanket). Moreover, some women can feel ugly and hence insecure about wearing almost everything except for one piece of clothing that they feel covers them better, or fits better. Furthermore, an alter could in the past have had a bad experience akin to having a sweater washed, such as something treasured being destroyed by washing. This does not mean you could never wash the article but that you need to proceed slowly and cautiously, patiently explaining and carefully listening to the alters concerns until all concerns are allayed. Alters need age-appropriate means of comfort and to deny 218

themselves that comfort is a double-whammy. Not only does denial mean they are missing out on comfort that since they are deeply hurting they desperately need, but to deny them is to act like an abuser and so trigger fears and painful memories associated with past abusive disregard for their needs. It could also drive them to try to seek destructive forms of comfort, such as self-harm or over-eating or chemical highs. For alters formed as babies, age-appropriate means of comfort could include such things as lullabies, pacifiers or drinking formula milk from a bottle. Again, it is not for you to decide what they need. Your role is to get to know them and give them whatever they indicate they want. The only usual exceptions should be if what they request would expose yourself and the alter to ridicule, or is unhealthy: * physically such as candy if you are diabetic * psychologically such as illicit drugs or porn * spiritually such as occult practices or hurting people. If there are serious obstacles to granting your alters what they want, lovingly explain the reasons and seek to find acceptable alternatives. Strive diligently to find workarounds, such as buying candy suitable for diabetics, finding times and places where it would not result in ridicule, reading them uplifting stories instead of porn, getting pocket dolls so you can take them with you inconspicuously, and so on. For babies not yet potty trained, diapers can be comforting, rather than exposing them to the possibility of soiling clothes or bed. Moreover, you may find diapers necessary when baby alters make their presence felt. Yes, by suppressing baby alters you might reduce, or perhaps even eliminate, the need for diapers but suppressed alters never heal.

Building Trust Since D.I.D. handicaps people by fragmenting intellectual abilities, healing involves reconnecting all the fragments

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(alters). Put another way: in order to regain full mental capacity, alters must cooperate; working together as a team. Such teamwork (and associated healing) is impossible without all of a persons alters valuing and trusting each other. Since disregarding an alters feelings and wishes undermines any such trust, it sabotages teamwork, bringing healing screeching to a halt. Simple things can help build the trust that is so critical to healing. For example, tell an alter worried about the washing of a sweater, How about we consider washing it in two days time, so you have time to think about it. Then, when the time arrives, ask if it is okay to proceed. When the clean sweater is returned, the alter can see that you kept your word and trust begins to grow. It is frightfully easy to dismiss alters as embarrassing nuisances and treat them as rivals or even enemies when they are actually your greatest assets. And rather than want to hurt or embarrass you, they crave your love and approval. They respond powerfully to praise and compliments. Unconditional love will win their desire to please you, whereas criticism, disapproval, rejection or punishment will have the opposite effect. Until they heal, alters are in inner agony and, despite ones best intentions, people who are hurting are very vulnerable to further hurt. As Grantley wrote in a webpage about how to comfort people who are: If you were treating the open wounds of accident victims you would realize that the most gentle, wellmeaning touch could send patients reeling. You would not be offended if someone you were seeking to help lashed out in pain with almost involuntary action. You would half expect it. But imagine the confusion if the wounds were invisible and the person looked uninjured. Consider the further complication if in that persons experience everyone who had tried to help (and how does he know you will be any different?) had in their ignorance done little but inflict pain. Thats the norm for someone who is hurting inside. Emotionally wounded people cannot help but be highly sensitive. Words hit them like whips. It is vital that they be treated verbally with the careful tenderness you would use if you were dressing gaping physical 220

wounds. Once we understand the seriousness of emotional wounds, its surprisingly easy to employ the Christlike graces of turning the other cheek and using the soft answer that turns away wrath. When we realize an outburst is just the pain talking, we no longer take it to heart. Only a fool takes personally the actions of someone drunk with pain. It could be helpful to preface ones remarks to a sensitive alter with, I approve of you. I believe in you and think the world of you. So nothing I say should ever be interpreted as a put down or rejection. Such wording helps keep alters from jumping to wrong conclusions, and frees them up to understand what you are really saying. Simple things like tucking young alters into bed at night, reading them age-appropriate books that they like, giving them special time to be alone with their toys, putting their favorite sweater under the pillow, or letting them hold it while they sleep, can go a long way to provide the security from which healing flows. Another important thing is to defend your alters if they are ever threatened or criticized. If they publicly say or write something you approve, try to publicly honor their statement. If they receive criticism, be diplomatic but stand by your alters. Never betray their trust by revealing their secrets or even their existence until they are ready to do this themselves. Be aware that alters might overhear you at a time when you have assumed they have not tuned in to what is occurring. Next to encouraging each alter to interact with God, these things are powerful in bringing healing. A friend of mine with Dissociative Identity Disorder went to considerable effort to obtain a bracelet displaying the words Stronger Together. Those two words form a truth that should be impressed upon the heart of everyone wanting to heal. If you have alters, they have a deep need to be heard and you have a deep need to listen to them. Until they start communicating, alters have been kept in psychologically crippling solitary confinement, and you have been kept cut off from a significant part of your mental capacity, your emotions and your memories. In addition to merely being heard, alters need to be 221

believed. Most likely, they suffered horrifically and no one believed it. You need to begin to undo the damage by believing them. They could well have been formed precisely to protect you from the truth because at the time you were not psychologically strong enough to take it, but this situation must end. You must muster the courage to face the truth so that you can regain your full mind, and if what they reveal seems unbelievable it could well be because you are still preferring to live in denial; preferring perhaps to believe the lie that your abuser really was the respectable person he or she pretended to be. Nevertheless, just as sincere children can sometimes get things mixed up, so can little alters. For example, we know a dear alter who was sexually abused in a carnival haunted house. She was too young to understand that the haunted house was make-believe. The fear was real, however, and so was the abuse. Additionally, any alter who is trying to piece together just fragments of surfaced memories could make a sincere mistake. For example, we know someone who mistakenly concluded that it must have been her father who abused her because she could not recall her father allowing her to go anywhere without his supervision and because she could only remember the face of only one of what seemed to be two abusers. After prayer her memory became clearer and it turned out that what had seemed like a second abuser was an image that had somehow formed in her mind representing the abusers demon.

The Courage to Let Oneself Remember It is impossible to have a mind that is whole if part of you knows things of extreme significance that another part of you knows nothing about. It is impossible to heal from all the damaging effects of a fractured mind without having the courage to remember. Whatever happened in your past, it happened when you were younger and so had less mental and spiritual maturity/resources than you currently have plus the situation has most likely changed such that your tormentor now has less power over you. When they are kept in the dark, things seem scarier than when brought into the light. Likewise the truth ends up being

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much easier to cope with than the unknown. It is far easier on yourself to face things and get them resolved than be haunted by fears of the unknown for the rest of your life. Encourage your alters to share their secrets with you. It will relieve them of isolation and horrific burdens that they have far less resources than you have to cope with. For example, they are probably riddled with guilt over something they will never know was not their fault unless they open up to you so that you can give them the benefit of your adult understanding. If you are tempted to keep yourself ignorant (with all the intellectual handicaps and emotional agony that entails) because you worry there might possibly be some skeleton in your past that you could not forgive yourself for doing; your fears are groundless. Once the full, liberating truth of the Gospel is understood and tragically vast numbers of Christians do not understand it you can live peaceably with yourself no matter what atrocious sins filled your past. The Bible strips away all human pride by revealing that the wages of sin just one little sin is death. You cannot get deader than dead. Since everyone has sinned, no one can be more lost or more depraved than anyone else. Just as an athlete and an invalid are equally unable to reach the moon by jumping, so the most saintly person on this planet and the most sadistic serial killer and rapist are equally unable to reach Gods minimum standards. Outside of Christ, the most godly person on this planet is just as much a moral failure and has just as much reason for abject shame as the most obviously wicked person. Each need Christ equally and if either of them can find cleansing and forgiveness and total acceptance in God, the other can receive it just as easily and as fully. No matter what your past, you can be cleansed and granted virgin-innocence and honored by all of heaven for your crystal purity. The same applies if you worry that a loved one might have committed some grievous offense.

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The Courage to Let Oneself Feel To be mentally whole while cutting oneself off from feelings is just as impossible as it is to be mentally whole and cut oneself off from memories. Healing requires you to get in touch with all your feelings. This seems scary at first because of the strong, unpleasant feelings buried within, but by connecting with those feelings they are able to be released so that they no longer haunt you, and then you are free to connect with wonderful feelings and come fully alive.

Play It is highly beneficial for alters to regularly play games with each other and have fun together. It is not only enjoyable, it builds trust and teamwork. And it not only promotes healing, it helps them develop valuable skills. What alters enjoy doing together will differ from person to person. It might be reading or telling stories, or working on an art project or playing computer games or dancing or chasing each other. The possibilities are almost endless, but you will discover which activities appeal most to you and your alters.

The Most Effective Way to Heal Fast All alters desperately need Jesus. They are usually tormented by guilt and shame and feel so worthless that it is not uncommon for some to even be convinced that they are evil. Jesus whole reason for coming to earth was to resolve these stupendous needs in a way far beyond what anyone in the universe and most certainly more than any counselor could ever achieve. He, alone, as the utterly Innocent One took upon himself all our guilt; suffering our full punishment and then cleansing us utterly and granting us his moral perfection, purity, goodness and exalted status with God, the Holy Judge of heaven and earth. Obviously these truths should be explained more simply and in more detail, but it is

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imperative that alters be made aware of them. Alters also usually need someone to mother and father them, but because they are now in an adult body this is rarely possible, nor is it usually safe to seek it from anyone other than Jesus for this role as it could expose both alter and host to ridicule or abuse, or to devastation if the mother/father figure needed to leave at some later stage. Only Jesus is utterly safe in giving hugs, tucking alters into bed and so on, and fully understands the best way to help at every stage of healing, and offers the total security of never getting sick or burnt out, changing, moving away, or dying. And no one understands any of us like Jesus does, nor has his wisdom. Moreover, Jesus fervently loves alters with total selflessness without any sexual overtones and longs to comfort and heal them. There is a critical blockage to receiving Jesus help, however. Because Jesus is not an abuser, he will not force himself upon alters, no matter how much he yearns to help and knows they need him. A further hindrance is that alters often have such distorted ideas about Jesus (confusing him with abusers, for example, or believing lies people have said about him) that they can be terrified of him. So the greatest of all things that anyone can do for alters is to reassure them of how gentle, kind, caring, patient, understanding and comforting Jesus is and how much he wants to take their pain upon himself bearing their guilt, fear and inner pain as the alters Alter and be their devoted friend and have lots of safe fun with them. (Yes, because play is important to every young alter he longs to play with them in a way that builds them up intellectually and in selfesteem and shows them great respect.) Encourage alters to dialog with Jesus. Assure them that he will respect whatever boundaries they put up and that he will wait for as long as it takes for them to be sure that they are safe with him. Jesus is the perfect counselor and the ultimate healer. Once they commence talking with Jesus, the door to wondrous things has opened.

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Conclusion We might have imagined that doing away with childish things speeds an alterss growth but it can actually bring to a grinding halt not just the growth of one alter, but all healing. In fact, almost any decision made without an alters consent has the potential to be highly triggering and often cause pain, resentment, and withdrawal, which will in turn keep a persons mind divided against itself. Youre a leader, not a loner. It might be frustrating to have to go slow for the sake of the others, but a general who charges off at his own pace is in for a rude shock when he encounters the enemy and looks behind to find himself alone because his army was unable to keep up with him. Together you are strong. Healing requires almost superhuman reserves of courage, love, patience, insight, and so on, but thats okay because through Jesus you have access to all that you need. http://www.net-burst.net/hope/abuse_pleasure.htm The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused

Healing the Pain of the False Guilt Of Suffering Pleasant Sensations While Being Sexually Abused

SERIOUS WARNING: You could feel so relieved after reading some of this webpage that you stop before discovering the end part that is infinitely more powerful, significant and lifechanging. If you read nothing else, please read the last section, titled Infinitely Better Proof of Innocence.

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Suppose someone who hates being tickled is pinned down and mercilessly tickled over and over against her will. No matter how much she detested the ordeal, she would involuntarily laugh. It would be gross ignorance about the normal human reaction to tickling to presume that her uncontrollable laughter indicates that deep down she wanted it. Likewise, when ones body involuntarily sends pleasure signals to the brain in response to sexual molestation, it says nothing about ones morality or attitude towards the offense.

Everyone knows that a molester might be a violent, terrifying beast of a man. What is difficult for most of us to grasp, however, is that those who sexually interfere with little children range from this extreme through to trusted care-givers and as we will discover below sometimes even loving mothers. A molester might be such a crazed monster as to leave every victim highly traumatized. There are others, however, who are so gentle, gradual, comforting and trusted that any normal infant could not help but regard the sexual interference as being as natural and as nice as breastfeeding. A childs reaction depends on the molesters method, not the victims morality. And pleasurable feelings are not limited to children. You will find below a link to the tragic story of an adult traumatized by the fact that she could not help but experience orgasm while being gang raped. Despite having been married for years, this was her first orgasm ever. If one were forcibly injected with heroin and the result were nothing but pain, terror and repulsive feelings, it would be an horrific experience but it would end up far less torturous than if the result were pleasurable. Ironically, a bad trip is much more preferable than a good one, because good trips lead to the horror of addiction. Pleasure drives victims to perpetuate the torment and to reel in the agony of being at war with themselves, with one part of them irresistibly drawn to the drug and every other part of them repulsed by it. Just as no one can control whether drugs produce a good trip or a bad trip, so sexual assault victims have no control over how much pleasure is inflicted upon them. But as with heroin, the more pleasure the assault produces, the greater the long term torment for the hapless victim. This is an agonizingly difficult subject. How can I mention pleasure 227

without readers wrongly supposing I am referring to something desirable? How can I explain that the presence of pleasure only magnifies the offense? A rapist or child molester is so perverted that almost everything that person does turns upside down normal human reactions. My longing is to condemn the actions of predators while ensuring that the victims feel nothing but comfort. If I dont achieve this, please let me know. I regularly find abuse survivors who, in response to their suffering, end up addicted to masturbation or promiscuity or to hating certain people (especially their abuser). Their pain touches me, even if their actions are sometimes less than commendable. My heart breaks when they find themselves trapped in destructive behavior that they hate. I long to assist and support all such people in whatever way I possibly can. Tragically, yet another undesirable response to sex abuse is for some former victims to end up sexually interfering with others, and they can end up as addicted to it as others become addicted to masturbation or to hating their abuser, or to being in love with someone who will end up harming them. It would be hypocritical of me to claim that my heart breaks for every person who has suffered sex abuse if that did not include those who in response to their own criminal violation have ended up violating others. I strongly object to victims responding to their own pain by abusing others and they should certainly be brought to justice and yet I cannot help but feel compassion over the fact that they have not yet been healed from their own suffering. So even with offenders, it is their actions that I condemn, not the entire person. Because predators differ in their methods, their victims experiences differ. So in an attempt to help all readers, only parts of this webpage will apply to any one person. Please disregard those parts that do not gel with your experience.

Victims of sexual crime often suffer horrific, but quite unnecessary pangs of guilt over being forced to experience pleasure. Having a nice feeling in the midst of rape or molestation is usually no more than a bodily reaction like bleeding. It in no way suggests the person is immoral or subconsciously wants to be abused. And any skilled seducer of children will have much about him or her that normal children are drawn to.

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Suppose someone buys me an ice cream and while I am eating it, he picks my pocket and steals my credit card. By the time I realize what has happened I find myself in a desperate predicament, with my bank account stripped. When I report this crime to the police, I would have every right to feel grossly insulted if asked if the ice cream tasted nice, as if that had anything to do with the magnitude of my loss! No matter how distorted sex becomes, and no matter how horrific the overall effect, it is not easy to remove every pleasurable sensation from it. After all, sex is divinely designed to be exceedingly pleasurable, and hence highly addictive. It is intended to be so addictive that it binds a husband and wife together for life. We readily acknowledge how rare it is for anyone to succeed in blocking all pain from ones consciousness so that a person feels no pain when physically assaulted. And we realize that whether or not someone achieves this feat has nothing to do with morality. So why should we apply different expectations when it comes to blocking pleasure signals being sent to the brain? Both pleasure and pain signals are morally neutral nerve impulses. Morality is about choice; not about uncontrollable bodily sensations. If drugs brought no pleasure, the horror of drug addiction would not exist. The pleasure of a drug-induced high that drug pushers give their victims does not justify their actions; it is what makes their actions despicable. Likewise, any pleasure rapists and child molesters give their victims in no way justifies their actions. It merely increases the harm they inflict and is further proof of their depravity. Neither does the existence of pleasure hint that the victim might be perverted or immoral. Few people who have not suffered it, can understand the dynamics of non-traumatic sexual molestation. Some of those blissfully ignorant of this horror, however, can understand how someone can innocently discover self-stimulation and eventually become strongly addicted, even after developing pangs of conscience over the habit. To these people I say, imagine the consequences for someone whose introduction to sexual pleasure comes not through self-stimulation but through someone else stimulating him/her. A girl about thirteen years old in a class for the intellectually handicapped revealed the dilemma many face. She told her teacher, My mother said it is not nice to let someone touch you down there, but she doesnt know how nice it is!

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The myth most people would like to believe is that babies enter the world with no more sexual feeling than a china doll and remain that way until puberty. Many parents hope against hope that ignorance keeps children innocent. In reality, ignorance only makes children more vulnerable to predators who deliberately create and then exploit false guilt over their victims having normal feelings. Seldom do victims realize that the only ones who should feel abnormal or perverted are the predators. Everyone needs to realize that from a very young age, normal children have genitals that send pleasure signals to the brain when stimulated in certain ways. Babies just a few months old are capable of orgasms. (For more, see Infant Sexuality.) We must not confuse biology with morality.

Literally millions of people have suffered incalculable damage because of the common failure to understand the dynamics of sexual abuse. It was not so long ago when, in their ignorance, most parents used to presume they were adequately protecting their children against sexual predators by warning them only against contact with strangers. The average person had no idea that most sexual abuse of children comes from trusted family members or family friends or other children. Tragically, countless thousands of children have innocently concluded, This is clearly not one of the terrifying strangers I was warned against, so what this person is doing to me must be acceptable. An equally dangerous misconception that is even more prevalent is that people have ignorantly assumed that child molestation always inflicts pain or suffering. As a consequence of this grave mistake, children have not been adequately warned and protected. Moreover, this common presumption has left most of the vast numbers of boys who have been indecently assaulted with not even the awareness that what they have suffered is sexual abuse. Even when they grow into adults the confusion usually remains. They were subjected to little discomfort until they were well and truly trapped into thinking it was all their fault. The gross sexual abuse they suffered does not conform to the average persons uninformed presumptions about sexual abuse. This tragic situation is like what would happen if everyone assumed that to be robbed involves being bashed on the head. This misconception would mean that, no matter how much was stolen, if you are not bashed on the head no one believes you have suffered loss. And you yourself would barely be aware that what you have suffered is criminal. You would think you have no option but to blame yourself 230

for being robbed and suffer in silence. For purely physiological reasons it takes less skill to seduce boys. For example, a mother confided that despite wanting it never to happen, when she bathed and dried her three little boys, each of them would occasionally show signs of sexual arousal. Despite her utmost efforts, she found it impossible to consistently avoid this unwanted consequence of her motherly duties. If you think this unusual, click here. Forgive me for raising distasteful matters, but ignorance causes untold suffering. A few years back, I was horrified to discover an example of how mothers seem able to get away with almost anything in the area of sexual molestation of their boys. A respected womens magazine, not given to emphasizing sex, printed a letter from a woman explaining how it had seemed her little boy would need circumcision for medical reasons. She claimed to have avoided this by regularly masturbating the boy until he was old enough to do it himself. This was published without comment, thus implying approval of her molesting this little boy. There are cultures where it is considered good parenting to masturbate ones little children and especially for women to masturbate their infant sons. Until recently, even experts had no idea that almost as many boys are sexually abused as girls. (In fact, I wonder if it will eventually be uncovered that when one includes all sources of molestation, more boys than girls are sexually abused.) The grave failure to even detect the problem arose because survey questions were determined on the dangerously false assumption that children feel uncomfortable about sexual seduction. Writes a convicted pedophile who admits to having over seventy victims: In general, I found that more children were triggered by sexual curiosity than by the need for affection. Few were sexually experienced prior to their first contact with me. . . . Adults weave romantic notions about childrens innocence, conveniently forgetting their own curiosity and sexual excitement in childhood. It suits parents own needs to imagine that children are deaf, blind and totally insensitive to the highly sexual environments in which they live. Adult society refuses to recognize the fact that children do not necessarily view genital touching as bad, unpleasant or unsafe . . . and so children enjoy it. Until that simple fact is recognized and incorporated into child protection programs, 231

children will remain vulnerable to people like me. Source of Quote Other pedophiles, drawing upon their horrifyingly vast experience, have said similar things. I must, however, clarify his comment on innocence. Little children are innocent in the sense that they have no idea that certain types of touching are wrong. Innocence, however, has nothing to do with an abnormal inability to feel sexual pleasure. Since pedophiles usually specialize in entrapment, they are forced to bait their trap with things most children find pleasurable. So it is normal for child molesters to give their victims pleasure. The pleasure often includes gifts they bribe children with or the attention they give love-starved children. If pedophiles are sufficiently skilled at seduction, there will also be a degree of sexual pleasure their victims suffer (yes, I believe suffer is a most appropriate word in this context). Rapists can even force adult victims to experience pleasure and this very pleasure inflicts enormous suffering and emotional damage. We can hate the context in which pleasure occurs and we can hate the consequences, but it is humanly impossible not to like pleasure. And yet victims feel they should have done the impossible and somehow hated the pleasure that was inflicted on them or suppose that by some superhuman miracle they should have broken into abnormality and stopped themselves from feeling pleasure.

When Starving, Even Rotten Apples Are Irresistible Children in fact, all of us have a deep need to be loved and to feel special in someones eyes. So intense is this craving that if we are cruelly starved of it we could become so desperate as to end up emotionally entangled with whoever seems to offer the best substitute we can scrounge, even if we recognize the substitute as despicable. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for that inadequate substitute to be a sexual predator. Consequently, emotional bondage to an abuser often a devastating mix of love and hate for the abuser is not uncommon. A woman, who as a child was molested by her father, loathed her sexual abuse so much that she was sometimes overwhelmed by raging hate for him. Although her father repeatedly molested her, 232

he did not actually penetrate her, whereas he penetrated her sister. Anyone ignorant of the powerful, conflicting emotions that incest triggers would be staggered to learn that not being penetrated had a strongly negative effect on her, causing her to feel rejected by the man she hated. This feeling of rejection drove her to despise herself even more. Her deprivation of parental love sent her need for genuine love exploding until she ended up like a starving person almost insanely desperate for anything with the remotest possibility of satisfying her gnawing craving. This, however, was just the wounded, lovestarved part of her screaming in agony. The rest of her would have simply found penetration reason to hate him even more. So what a conflict this dear person suffered! She found herself desperately craving something she loathed, from a man she hated. Struggling to survive with this full-scale war within her personality would be devastatingly difficult but it was much worse than so far described. There was yet another part of her at war with not just one but both of the other parts. We all have a moral side and that part of her was certain that both incest and venomously hating anyone was shamefully wrong. The highly moral part of her hated herself, both for wishing she had been penetrated and for hating her father. Tragically, among abuse survivors, there is nothing unusual about this womans almost intolerable turmoil. Crippling emotional conflict is the inevitable consequence of a father perverting the most powerful forces within humans by doing what no father should ever do.

Another Devastating Source of Emotional Conflict We earlier noted that it is the very nature of sex to be so pleasurable as to be highly addictive. The tragic implication is that when ones introduction to sex is less than wholesome, there is a strong possibility of becoming addicted to some form of sex that is destructive. This can manifest itself in many ways. For example, it is quite common for abuse survivors to become not just addicted to masturbation but to masturbation combined with fantasies about being raped or molested. They end up perpetuating their own abuse by deliberately combining sexual pleasure with fantasies of being abused. These destructive fantasies persist despite them 233

loathing the sexual abuse they suffered. Others become addicted to promiscuity and/or seek out people who end up sexually abusing them. Still others end up driven by a compulsion to sexually abuse other people. Then there are those who become so addicted to hate that they cannot stop hating their abuser, even though that person might have died years ago. In sexual abuse, the victims suffering is often much more severe than the abuser actually wants the victim to suffer. It is sobering to realize that victims can fill with selfrighteousness and yet be so driven by hate for their abusers that they end up with a greater desire to see someone (their abuser) suffer than their abuser ever wanted them to suffer. Most who feel this way, however, have a part of them that does not want to hate. Many hate themselves for being addicted to hating their abuser. No matter what the addiction, almost every addict is in a frustrating state of conflict. Part of the addict passionately loves what he is addicted to and part of him detests it. The only way to resolve the conflict of a love-hate affair with overeating, tobacco, or a sexually-related addiction is to break that addiction. That, of course, is a most painful and difficult thing but it is the only road to peace and freedom. Suppose a little child with no concept of the danger or morality of drugs is introduced to hard drugs and given a regular supply. By the time the child learns that hard drugs are both unwise and morally wrong, he or she is in the viselike grip of addiction. Given the circumstances, the child is not responsible for becoming an addict. Nevertheless, addicts eventually reach the age of accountability and then assume the responsibility for whether they remain addicts. But what a devastating battle they must face to break free! My heart goes out to all who have suffered so greatly that they are now addicted to hating someone or to unwholesome sex. Nevertheless, as Jesus hung naked on the cross, the Innocent suffered the ultimate violation of his person to ensure each of us can break free.

The Story So Far There is just one reason why normal, healthy little children will not enjoy sexual interference so much that they want more. The sole reason is that their molester was not good at seduction. If the sexual predator is the same gender, it in no way implies the child is 234

gay; it simply means he or she has a body that responds normally to sexual stimulation, just like a normal child cannot help liking the taste of chocolate, even if it were laced with tasteless poison. Even by itself, sex is so addictive that it needs to be treated like nitroglycerine. Any ignorance typical of children, or any loss of choice (such as implied threats or use of force), or the slightest craving for love or attention adds still more danger. The tragedy is that sexual crime victims of all ages and both genders often misunderstand their normal, bodily reaction or emotional needs and wrongly conclude that they are perverted. Their completely normal response to a highly abnormal predicament leads them to mistakenly conclude that they are wicked and beyond hope of ever being sexually normal. As would be expected of anyone who feels so doomed, they slide into destructive behavior until they discover the liberating truth. In reality, the only abnormal thing was the offenders action, not the victims reaction. High morality does not cause sin to lose its pleasure; it just causes a person to refuse the pleasure if such a choice is possible (there is no choice in rape) and if that person has gained the understanding that certain behavior is wrong. I have endeavored to show that for you to think of yourself as evil or perverse is almost certainly no more than a tragic misunderstanding of what you suffered and an underestimation of how cunning the real offender was. Should you still be unconvinced, however, you still have all the hope in the world. Ultimately, it would not be the end of the road if survivors of regrettable sexual encounters were perverse. No one who wants it is beyond the transforming power of God. The fact is that no matter what, through God you can be restored to holy purity and achieve enormous good. To discover how this is possible, see The Perfect Partner.

Infinitely Better Proof of Innocence I have provided what I suppose to be the most powerful possible presentation of the truth that the presence of pleasure need not detract from a persons innocence. For me to leave your sense of innocence dependent upon this flimsy approach to such a vital issue, however, would be grossly negligent of me. To cling to the fact you were just a child or were forced, or 235

whatever, is like shivering in the pouring rain, huddling under an old, leaky umbrella that threatens to rip to shreds in the next gust of wind, when you could immediately trade that umbrella for the warmth and luxury of a magnificent palace. Thats the magnitude of what is available to you. No one is perfect, we glibly say. It is equally true that no one on this planet is innocent outside of God. But the staggering truth is that no one has to remain outside of God. When Gods Son became the only truly innocent human and swapped places with us on the cross, taking upon himself the full punishment for every sin any human has ever committed, something of stupendous significance occurred. Through Jesus we can connect with the infinitely Holy God and instantly gain the innocence and moral perfection of God himself. Then we can truly look ourselves in the mirror and know that we are not merely no worse than most other respectable sinners, but we are totally innocent, crystal pure, outshining any virgin who is outside of Christ. I beg you to explore this in depth because it is the most liberating, healing and life-transforming truth in the universe. To discover this empowering truth of eternal significance, please read A Life Transformed. (Part of a larger webpage called Cure for Self-Hate but deserves a much wider audience than that title suggests.) Testimony: Extreme Grace The encouraging story of a man recovering from D.I.D (alters not specifically mentioned) http://www.net-burst.net/guilty/extreme_grace_testimony.htm Gods Extreme Grace The Christian Who Kept Doing All he Could To Force God to Reject Him Hope When You Feel Unforgivable

About this page: This testimony is extreme. Few people will understand why Jake has acted the way he has. This is because few people have suffered like him 236

or have had the required depth of counseling experience. So although I understand, I dont expect many readers to grasp why Jake has behaved like he has in his Christian walk, but I do expect you to be moved by the proof of Gods love revealed in this testimony. I share Jakes story not because of how much God loves Jake, (as if to insult God by implying he could love Jake more than you) but I share it because this testimony features the God who likewise loves you with all that he has. Unlike fairy tales, real people have highs and lows. Real people make great progress and then slip back again. Casual observers cannot understand why, for instance, many former addicts, after enjoying freedom and victory, fall back into their old bondage. What observers could only know if they were inside a former addicts skin is the wearying craving for former highs. In the case of abuse survivors like Jake, it is the lingering, nagging doubts about Gods love, the intense fear that God will reject them as so many others have, and the continual, draining inner fights against feeling depraved and unlovable. Like the continual dripping of Chinese water torture; like termites continually gnawing away at a buildings support beams, the accumulative affect of the Deceivers malicious whisperings is an enormous challenge to ones faith. That doesnt mean we are forced to give in, but it explains why those who have been deeply hurt typically fall, over and over again, and why God keeps forgiving and forgiving. Jake is in his forties. I have been in contact with him, an average of several times a week, for over a year. During that time, I have gained a deep respect for Jakes walk with God, even though throughout that time he has had regular battles like that described below. Although Jakes behavior has been unusual, I know from extensive experience with people who are guilt ridden that they need exceptional testimonies because they are inevitably tempted to think that they are the worst sinners on the planet and that virtually everyone is forgivable but them. Grantley Morris Founder of Net-burst.net and ghostwriter of this webpage

The Testimony My father violently killed my eldest sister when she was a baby. The details were covered up and my mother stayed with him, so they were free to expend their sexual abuse and sadism on me. Ill spare you details but you need a little information to understand me. 237

I cant be sure how close to being a newborn I was when my mistreatment began, but it was certainly in full swing when I was still a baby. A sister who survived, recalls being ordered to clean my blood and excrement off the walls after one episode. She saw me in the crib and thought I was dead. An example of my toilet training was being yelled at while having my bodily movements smeared all over me, including in my mouth. Other times my head was forced into the toilet after it was filled with filth. I felt sure they were going to drown me. Many of these experiences were so damaging psychologically that for years I suppressed the memory. This suppression kept me from understanding why for much of my Christian life I always despised myself and even thought that I stunk to God. Throughout my most impressionable years and beyond, my parents kept insisting that I deserved the treatment they dished out. This indoctrination from my tenderest years left me so disturbed that during my adult life I would act out such abuse on myself, without understanding why, but feeling that I deserved it. My parents claimed their abuse was for my own good and was because they loved me. This left me with a deep fear of love even Gods love. Of course, I knew intellectually that Gods love is perfect and is nothing like what I experienced as a child but, as anyone who fears harmless spiders or snakes can attest, intellectual knowledge does not dispel crippling fear. By the time I was in my mid teens, I had been sexually abused by my mother and at least eight males. I was addicted to lust of every kind. I was even involved in the occult, asking demons and sexual spirits to have sex with me. I vowed to always be in control and never yield to anyone, not even God. Nevertheless, at the age of nineteen I had a true encounter with the Lord Jesus and made him my Savior. I had joined the military to learn how to kill people. I would use pages of the Bible as rolling papers for the marijuana joints I smoked. I hated God and I was sure he hated me. I had long since given myself to Satan, thinking that he had power that I wanted. If a Christian would tell me of Jesus I would completely lose it, yelling, cussing, raising my fist and spitting in the air at God. At least once I got within an inch of a Christians face and spat on him. The way that Christians did not retaliate made me presume they were wimps. I joined an army shooting competition. A Christian there was the best soldier I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He was a strong man, and he could run like the wind just like me. I noticed that when he was ridiculed he did not ridicule back, yet it seemed that he was unafraid of anyone who would give him grief. There was a peace about him that seemed to go wherever he went. That is what I craved. He would tell me of Jesus but I just did not get it. 238

I was posted overseas and while there I read the book of Revelation from the Gideons Bible. For months I was fearful least I die and go to hell. I could find no one to tell me of Jesus. One day I took a turn way too fast on a slick, muddy road. The trailer jackknifed and my jeep started spinning. I was careering towards a three hundred foot drop. God help me! I cried, with real meaning for the first time in my life. Suddenly, in defiance of the laws of physics, the jeep began spinning in the opposite direction. I emerged without a scratch, convinced that there is a God who cares. Some unseen force had to have reversed the motion of that vehicle. After that I had a dream. I was being shot at by snipers and my aunt pulled up in a car and said; Get in and get saved. Afterwards, I phoned my aunt and found that she had been praying for my salvation. She asked me to take leave and come home. I flew in and sat with her pastor while he explained the Gospel. In my boot was a survival knife and I was about to use it on him. Something restrained me. I flew back to my base, thinking I must be saved because I now believed there was a Jesus Christ who died on the cross and rose from the dead to pay for my sins. I presumed I was going to heaven but I could not figure out why my life did not change. I hated my life and I hated my sin. I was in despair and could not stop taking drugs. Even worse, I could not change my heart nor the pain that seemed so deep and the reasons for it were still unknown to me due to so many suppressed memories. The Christian that had been on the shooting team with me was assigned to my unit. He invited me to church, where he gave his testimony. When I returned to my barracks that night I fell on my knees and cried out to Jesus to come into my heart. No one needed to tell me about the need to repent. My sin weighed heavy on my heart. It was as if I could feel the fires of hell rising up into my very soul, scorching my heart. I wept bitter tears, asking Jesus over and over to be my Lord and Savior. Finally I heard the Spirit of God say that asking once was enough. I got up from my knees, climbed into bed, and had the best sleep of my life. I arose in the morning to find that the black cloud that had followed me all the days of my life was gone. During formation that morning my fellow soldiers could see the joy on my face and asked me what had happened. I told them that last night I got saved and my sins were forgiven. I could not get enough of Gods Word. I devoured it as a famished man. I lost most of my friends. No one wanted to hang with me. I would always speak of the cross of Christ and share the gospel whenever possible. On Sunday mornings when we were on maneuvers some of the troops would come and get me to preach to them. At first this really frightened me until I found that every time I stood to speak, the Holy Spirit would just empower me to preach the story of Jesus. 239

Once I addressed a gathering of over two hundred soldiers. I had no training, nor did I have great knowledge, but such was my passion for my Jesus that I could not hold it in. The words would burn as a fire in my heart. My whole life changed drastically. No longer was I a druggie, nor did I even desire drugs. I would spend wonderful times in the Word and prayer, sometimes four hours a day or more. A carefully edited version of my testimony would be impressive, but though it shames me, every Christian who feels beyond forgiveness needs to know the side of me that only God sees. The contrast is almost unbelievable. So damaging was my childhood suffering that even after I was well and truly saved I still had bouts of screaming at God to leave me alone. Could he not see that I was useless, no good, and stunk? Never having experienced anything different, I was hounded by the deep feeling that God had to be like my former abusers. The scars were so deep and the haunting memories so strong that they kept overpowering any attempt at logic and filling me with the expectation that God would end up acting like my many abusers. Having been molested by my mother in my infancy was particularly damaging because I remained haunted by the memory of hating the abuse and yet simultaneously being afflicted with physical pleasure as it occurred. For most of my adult life I did not understand that feeling physical pleasure under such circumstances is like hating being tickled and yet uncontrollably laughing. Not realizing that it was a physical reaction, not an indicator of morality, the memory of having felt pleasure and even the memory bringing me a mixture of revulsion and sexual excitement kept making me fear that I was unforgivably perverse. But my mistake ran deeper still: I had failed to grasp that Jesus had died for the forgiveness of all sin, no matter how deliberate or perverse or repeated. Despite growing in Bible knowledge and having wonderful times with God, the wounds of my childhood suffering kept making me feel as if God were setting me up for the most painful of experiences me falling deeply in love with him and then him rejecting me. In fact, it seemed to me so certain that God would end up rejecting me acting just like those in my childhood who claimed to love me that I often found myself hell-bent on proving to God that he could not possibly love me. Feeling convinced that it was what I deserved, I would actually ask the devil to possess me and tell him to rape me and use me as a whore. And yes, I did this countless times after I was definitely born again. For my whole life I have craved genuine, pure, tender, intimate love. Yet very often when God presented it in undeniable ways, I would run from it and strike out at him. I would tell God to kill me, because I was just too ugly and dirty. I would cuss and swear at him in anger because he kept saying he loved me. 240

The fear of Gods rejection and the feeling that rejection was inevitable were so intense that in between beautiful times with God I kept having countless times of doing everything I could to end the agony of never knowing when the rejection would occur. To me, the obvious way to stop prolonging the agony was to bring on that inevitable rejection that very instant. I told God to leave and Satan to be my father because that is what I deserved. I told Jesus that I renounce him and the cross. I often felt as if I had gone too far into sin to ever be restored back into the occult that I was once delivered from. Yet my Savior refused to hate me but still kept on wooing me. I was filled with bitterness toward myself for enjoying my mothers touch when she had sexually abused me as a child. What a torment it is, even now at times. I would hear screaming in my head directed at me, You whore! Look at your mother! How can God help you? Feeling repulsively filthy, I would yet again run from Jesus, clenching my fist at him and daring/commanding him to strike me dead as I would cuss at him. I would wake in the middle of the night hitting myself, thinking and feeling that I needed to be punished. I felt sure I was the scum of the earth. Youre a liar! I told God in response to his claims to love me. You cannot possibly love me and I will prove it to you! I would cover myself with bodily filth to show God how disgusting I was. I would plunge into porn and masturbation. I would again call demons my father and ask them to punish me. Such was my compulsion to prove to God that he could not possibly love me. Then I would again come to my senses and repent. And to my astonishment, God always accepted me back. I told him that I do not understand why he has not killed me with the things I have done. I had always thought that if I had let God get too close to me that he would use and hurt me. He never did.

Special Revelation My wife used to say at times that the Lord had spoken to her. I would reply that God does not and cannot speak to anyone except by his Word. I would claim that visions, dreams and such were most likely from the enemy. I had thought I had heard the Lord speak to me during my earliest Christian years but I had since accepted the teaching of my church that this was impossible. I never considered that if the devil could speak lies to us using the method that God did in Bible times, why could the Almighty and All-knowing God no longer speak truth to us this way? 241

A turning point came one day when I was about to touch something and I felt the Lord telling me not to. Investigation revealed that hidden inside was a black widow spider. After initially being exceptionally cautious, I now find that God speaks to me often. Every time I have heard from him it has always come with Scripture to back it up, just to assure me that it is God who is really speaking to me. Whenever I hear his voice and or see a vision or dream, I always ask, Who is Jesus Christ? The response has always been, Jesus Christ is Lord. I always question where the divine encounter is leading me. Is it leading me to a deeper relationship with the one true God or away? Is it leading me to live more holy and pure? Does it line up with Gods Word, and has it come with Gods Word? Then I check myself to ensure that my desire is not to chase after exotic experiences but to run after the living God and have a closer relationship with him. Sometimes the Lord has graciously provided powerful confirmation that I am truly hearing from him. For example, when I was recently ministering to a distressed friend, the Lord gave me a vision about her. To her amazed joy, what I saw was identical to a vision about herself that she had received more than twenty years ago. Not surprisingly, she was profoundly encouraged. Once I wrote in my journal: There is bitterness and rebellion in my heart that keeps me from you. Jesus, I will expectantly wait for you to bring me spiritual and emotional healing. That night, or the very next, I do not recall which, something happened. I know not if it were a dream or a vision. What I do know is that it was real. I was a child and God was holding me and loving me in a very clean, pure, innocent way. I had never experienced that type of love in my life. How it dispelled fear and pain, and brought an overwhelming sense of joy! Afterwards, I wrote in my journal: Thank you for your gentleness with me. When I rebelled and struck out at you there was no retaliation. When I kicked at you there was no strike back. Through such experiences I learned to see God as the Daddy I have always craved but never found in a human. I now believe that God probably wept whenever I acted out. I think it was not because of the pain I inflicted on him that he wept, but for me and the injuries I have kept inflicting on myself. What love! 242

Yet my bouts of resisting his love continued. I punished myself, not to try to gain favor with God, but because at times I would feel his love and want to cry and punish myself to prove to him that I am unlovable and unlovely. Once I had a terrible flashback from my childhood of bodily filth being smeared all over me. I kept asking God in an accusing manner, Where were you when all this happened? Then I saw him as the abuse occurred, kneeling beside me, weeping. Later he told me that I was clean and clothed with the righteousness of Christ. I kept arguing with him, Yes, Daddy, I am wearing the white robe of Jesus righteousness but I am getting the inside of the robe dirty from the filth that was put on me, and the filth is bleeding through. Soon after, I had another flashback of childhood abuse and when it was over God gave me a vision of himself, the great and perfectly good Daddy, cleaning all of the filth off me with his own hand. It really struck me that in the vision there was no fear of his touch. He was gentler than the tenderest mother. After seeing myself so thoroughly cleansed, I could not argue that I would get the inside of the righteousness robe dirty. Instead, my argument turned to this: I am clean on the outside but I am still dirty on the inside. Before long, I had another vision of Daddy with his own hands wrapping my body and limbs with clean pure linen cloth that had been dipped in the blood of Christ. I felt this righteousness seep into every cell of my being, and he assured me that even the tiniest part of every cell had been wiped completely clean not just the outside but right to the inside of the smallest parts of every cell, even the parts so tiny that science does not know of. Then Daddy wrapped me in a large, clean and pure baby blanket, as an infant is wrapped up tight to make it feel safe and warm. He held me to his chest, smiling down on me, quieting me with his love. It seemed as if he was actually counting all the hairs of my head and studying my face and cooing. I wish I could say that all these wonderful experiences with God have stopped me from ever again treating God so vilely. There have still been times when I have slipped, but God has never stopped loving me. Maybe this is because he would rather set us on high as a trophy of his love and grace than tear us down. I am crying now for joy and love as I write this. His eyes are full of compassion and love. His arms desire to build up, not tear down. His desire is to see me grow into a man that he can be so proud of. His love is soft. This is not to be confused with weakness, for in his softness and tenderness is great strength. He can hold me in his arms so that I have no need to fear falling. I so much need him to hold me in this holy way. 243

Yet so often when I have been close to him and felt his comfort, I have been afraid it will turn to pain and rejection. It truly amazes me that his desire is to delight in me as I delight in him. I never had anyone want to delight in me. Nor have I ever had anyone look at me with such eyes of love. Why is God so gentle to me? I have often asked. Ive been so very angry with myself. Even the readers patience with me would have folded years ago at the way I kept reverting to atrocious behavior but Gods patience has kept going. If only I could say all the countless manifestations Ive received of Gods enormous patience ended my shameful outbursts against God, but they didnt. Its as if I am two persons: one that can accept Gods love and forgiveness, and one that cannot. Im embarrassed to admit that I have kept flip-flopping from one to the other, over and over and over throughout more than twenty years of walking with God. As the disciples doubted even after witnessing so many miracles, so when new painful flashbacks come, I still doubt. It blows me away that even if I doubt, he is still so patient with me. Despite the doubts, however, I am able to remind myself of the truth. Gradually, I have come to the point of rarely arguing with Daddy that I am unclean. I just tell him that I feel a certain way, not that I am that way. Once I yelled out to God that I forgive my mother. The Lord knew I meant it. I had traveled the painful forgiveness road many a time. But this time he asked something else: would I forgive myself for all my real and imaginary guilt? My decades-long struggle has not been in getting God to forgive me, but in me forgiving myself. Through all my struggles, Jesus has been visiting me as the tender Daddy that I never had as a child. He has also nurtured me and continues to as the most loving and perfect of mothers. At no time and in no way has he ever condemned me. It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? the Word says (Romans 8:33-34). A couple of years ago I gave Jesus permission to come into every dark area of my heart and open it up so that I could be entirely his. I asked him to go into all the rooms that I have locked away, thinking that he did not see. Nothing was a shock to him. As Jesus began opening the doors to my heart, new memories came that were previously unknown to me. It says in the gospels that Jesus had no need for anyone to tell him what was in peoples hearts, for he knew. Likewise, he knew what was in my heart: pain beyond what even I had realized, and a great sense of shame. His Word says Jesus has come to heal the broken hearted and bind up all 244

their wounds. I have found this to be true. One of Jesus names is Wonderful Counselor. The Holy Spirit is also called Counselor or Helper. His counsel is true and right. He has never failed. He is still in the process of counseling me. He daily walks with me. I deeply regret the way I have treated my Lord. I have no desire to abuse his magnificent grace. For most of my life I never thought that a man could be a man and be pure or desire pureness, holiness and beauty. It is now coming to me. It is a thing to be attained that is more desired than gold or any false pleasure that this world could offer. With Grantleys support, the Lord is showing me the hidden causes of my puzzling behavior. At last, Im healing from the psychological damage inflicted on me from babyhood right through to my late teens. I have shared my testimony, however, not because I think many will be able to identify with my affliction, but because I hope it will help everyone who is repentant and yet still feels beyond Jesus forgiveness to see through those deceptive feelings to the tender heart of God and the forgiving power of the cross. Ive kept repenting and Gods kept forgiving, through the power of Christs sacrifice. Hell do the same for you. Making Sense of This By Grantley Our neighbors grass always seems greener than ours. One of lifes illusions is that everyone else seems more favored by God than us. Few of us would envy Jakes upbringing but, like me, most of us have had nothing remotely like the powerful experiences with God that Jake has had. His testimony, however, confirms what we see over and over in the Bible: people doubting after witnessing tremendous miracles. Clearly, special experiences with God are not nearly as effective in building faith as we might suppose. Spiritual highs quickly evaporate. Personal miracles just make us more accountable; they dont lower anyones need to hold on in bare faith when tough times come. Despite our temptation to think otherwise, every Christians profound need is not for signs but for sheer faith. After reading Jakes testimony, someone battling guilt feelings wrote to me: Some time ago, God speaking through you gave me real hope and changed my life. I am not saying I dont still struggle at times with feeling false guilt over things Christ has cleansed me of, but God is now very tangible to me and I understand that he is with me no matter what I am going through. I have discovered that true healing and progress comes from simple, raw faith the kind of white knuckle faith you must hold on to no matter what. This is the true blessing: keeping faith, no matter what. 245

Just as Scripture records miracles, not merely for the benefit of those who witnessed them, but for our sake, so we benefit from Jakes encounters with his (and our) Daddy. Even though Scriptures affirmations alone should suffice, Jakes intimate experiences with God confirm to us that despite all Jakes bouts of defiance against his Savior, he is truly forgiven. And that same God the God who declares that he is no respecter of persons will keep forgiving you, if you keep maintaining a repentant attitude and keep putting your faith in Christs power to forgive. You Need More To be haunted by guilt feelings, spiritual worries and repulsive thoughts is like trying to drive safely through trafficin the midst of continual distractions. This website has the vast number of webpages you need in order to stay focused. Read them daily. Not to be sold. Copyright, 2007 Grantley Morris. Not to be copied in whole or in part without citing this entire paragraph. Many more compassionate, inspiring, sometimes hilarious writings by Grantley Morris available free at the following internet site www.net-burst.net Freely you have received, freely give. http://www.net-burst.net/counselor-therapist/sleep.htm Sleep & Dissociative Identity Disorder

NetBurst.Net

An alter (part of a person who has Dissociative Identity Disorder) might prefer to avoid stress by sleeping at times when the rest of the person is interacting with people. Young alters need to play and might be given no opportunity to do so except when everyone else is asleep. Another reason for a different sleep schedule might be that an alter feels it is safest for at least one alter to be on guard at all times against any possible attack. The result is working in shifts with alters, rather than seeking to work in unison. A woman often used to walk in her sleep. She got little sleep as it was, without having a disturbed sleep. Sometimes her son would find her wandering the house. Sometimes she would wake in the morning to find things rearranged and most frustrating of all she would have to hunt everywhere for her keys that

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were not where she had left them. One day as I was chatting with her child alter, the alter mentioned in passing that last night she had slept all night. That immediately got my attention. What do you usually do? I asked. It turned out that the alter only felt safe to play without ridicule when everyone else was asleep. She particularly liked playing with keys and her host had moved her other toys away from the bed, so she had to get up to access them. I try not to wake Mommy (her host), she said. Please dont tell her. I gently persuaded her that her host would not be angry and obtained her permission to let the host know. It turned out that the host had overheard part of the conversation anyhow. The host and alter were able to work out some amicable and effective solutions. An obvious start was to keep the toys by the edge of the bed, so that the alter could play with them in bed. Better still, the host explained to the alter how they would both feel more refreshed if they slept at the same time, and the host began slotting into her waking hours a time when her alter could play in privacy. She also purchased a pocket doll for her alter to play with when she was at work. Both alter and host benefited from this new level of mutual understanding and cooperation and enjoyed better quality sleep. All alters of yours who consider themselves children have a deep need for play. They cannot heal and so you cannot heal without it. If they are starved of playtime their need will compel them to find time for it when they should be asleep. In practice, people with usual adult responsibilities find it difficult to find sufficient time in the day for alters to have adequate playtime. Nevertheless, it is vital that they do all they can to make time. Sacrifices such as cutting out television will probably be necessary to give little alters the playtime they need. The benefits of doing so, however, will extend way beyond sleep but will end up being so great that it is not a sacrifice but 247

an investment in healing, fulfillment, increased productivity and, in the long term, probably increased income. http://www.net-burst.net/dreams/nightmare.htm * Nightmares * Daymares * Flashbacks * Bad Dreams * Sinful Dreams * Unpleasant Dreams * Sensual Dreams * Satanic Dreams * Tempting Dreams * Disturbing Dreams * Ungodly Dreams * Scary Dreams * Wet Dreams * Unwanted Dreams * Seductive Dreams * Upsetting Dreams * Demonic Dreams * Sexual Dreams How to Cope with Nightmares And Unwanted Dreams

Christian help, peace, healing and encouragement when bad dreams disturb your sleep

Every Christian knows that in the Bible God spoke to many people through dreams, many of which needed divine interpretation. But what about nightmares, wet dreams, or downright sinful dreams? Can they be avoided? How does a Christian cope with them? What makes unwanted dreams particularly upsetting and frustrating is that we seem to have no control over them. Is there a way to regain control? Can unpleasant or even demonically inspired dreams be turned into something good? Can we not only be healed from the upsetting aspect of unpleasant dreams but actually be healed of deep hurts and find greater wholeness because of such dreams? Can dreams that tempt us end up making us spiritually stronger? Could nightmares turn out to be a precious blessing for which we will be forever grateful? These are some of the issues you and I will explore in this webpage.

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Where Do Upsetting Dreams Come From? If you have disturbing dreams, you are by no means alone. In fact, although they do not all warrant the term nightmare, unpleasant dreams are so common that many modern studies show that about three-fourths of dreams involve negative emotions. If you suffer from headaches, you want relief, not a webpage of facts about headaches. Likewise, if you suffer from unpleasant dreams, you want relief, so this webpage is highly practical and focuses on bringing the relief you crave. To treat headaches, however, it is critical to identify the exact source of the headaches. Treatment will vary greatly depending on whether the source of the headache is a brain tumor, eyestrain, a neck problem, or something. Likewise, to treat unpleasant dreams we must identify the source of those dreams. Note: While retaining confidentiality, I wont hide anything relevant that Ive come across in my many years of people unburdening themselves to me. I will trust your ability to seek God and discover from him whether anyone elses experience is relevant to you, or whether it is as off the planet as it initially seems. If you are unable to hear directly from the One who knows everything because you dont have a true relationship with God, please read What Your Fantasies Reveal immediately. From God? One Christian who claims to be an expert on dream interpretation insists that every single dream no exceptions is from God. Until I heard him say that, I had highly regarded this mans spiritual discernment. Shocked by his emphatic claim, I thought much about it, but I cannot agree with his assessment. However, there was a time when I took a position on the opposite extreme. And I was wrong. I once used to naively assume that no dream that is upsetting, disturbing or frightening could be from God. I now confess that this presumption is so thoroughly unbiblical that I am staggered that I ever fell for it. If for spiritual understanding I could rely on what to me seems like common sense, God would have left us a much slimmer Bible. Human dependence upon biblical revelation is profound. As Proverbs 3:5-7 warns, it is critical that I not think myself smart and trust my own understanding. Heres blatant biblical proof that divinely inspired dreams can be highly upsetting: Job 33:14-16 For God does speak now one way, now another though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings (Emphasis mine.) We also read: 249

Genesis 15:12-13 . . . Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. Then the LORD said to him . . . (Emphasis mine.) After Pharaohs dreams, his mind was troubled (Genesis 41:8). Likewise, after Nebuchadnezzars divinely inspired dreams, his mind was troubled and he could not sleep (Daniel 2:1). He later had another Godgiven dream of which he wrote: Daniel 4:5 I had a dream that made me afraid. . . the images and visions that passed through my mind terrified me. Daniel had a similar experience: Daniel 7:1,7,15 . . . Daniel had a dream, and visions passed through his mind as he was lying on his bed. . . . in my vision at night I looked, and there before me was a fourth beast terrifying and frightening and very powerful. . . . I, Daniel, was troubled in spirit, and the visions that passed through my mind disturbed me. Gideon overheard a pagan soldier describing a dream he had just had, which his fellow soldier correctly interpreted as meaning that their entire army would be crushed by Israel (Judges 7:13-15). Try telling me that wouldnt be disturbing! A search for biblical dreams that disturbed the dreamer, however, takes us far beyond such obvious instances. In fact, it is hard to find in the Bible any divinely-given dream that did not have an upsetting element. For example, Marys husband was told in a dream that they had to completely disrupt their lives and move to Egypt. Moreover, he was told in the dream that people were seeking to kill his son. That revelation would hardly fill him with joy. If ever there were a positive dream, it was Josephs in the Old Testament in which he was told that his entire family would bow down to him, but even then the results were exceedingly disturbing. His dreams provoked a rebuke from his father and hatred in his brothers. As a direct result of those dreams he ended up kidnapped and sold into slavery (Genesis 37:5-28). So it is wrong to dismiss a dream as not being of God, solely on the basis that it disturbs us. A woman has kindly shared her experience to demonstrate how God could be in a nightmare: For months I had a recurring nightmare. Every night I would dream that I was walking down a very steep and slippery ramp through a pitch-dark passageway. I grabbed the ramps railing to steady myself but it was so wet and slippery that I couldnt hold on. I was 250

chilled to the bone and apprehensive and confused. Suddenly I could sense a presence behind me. I could see nothing, but I knew it was there. I was so terrified I could neither scream nor run. I cringed, expecting the worst. Then I was stabbed in the back. Amazingly, the stab never hurt, and there was never any blood. After suffering the dream over and over I finally begged God to take the dream away. It was then that he impressed upon my heart the surprising interpretation. At that time in my life I was participating in gossip, saying very hurtful things about someone behind her back (thus the backstabbing in my dream). However, since we prayed for this person after each gossip-fest, I felt I was doing no harm to her or me (hence no pain or blood in my dream). Upon the Lord revealing this, I immediately repented of my gossip, and the nightmare never returned. Another woman shares another example of what, on the surface, would hardly seem a dream from God: For years I was ashamed and horrified by recurring dreams in which I was abusing a baby almost to the point of death. In the dream I felt no pity for her; only fear that I would be caught. I suffered abuse as a child and would never act that way in real life. I raised three beautiful children without a thought remotely close to abuse. But the Lord showed me that I was the baby. That made perfect sense. I truly hated myself. As I continued with therapy (it was so wonderful to share things and have someone believe me!) my inner healing progressed, and the dreams slowly showed me having compassion and even love towards the baby in the dream. In the last of the dreams I had full compassion and love for the baby and no intent at all to harm her. I now havent had such a dream for at least nine months. .

Repressed Memories? Some dreams have elements that would be impossible to reproduce in real life, such as a person turning into an animal in front of the dreamers eyes. I know a woman, however, who had certain nightmares that did not contain these impossible elements but other than that they were as horrifying and terrifying and unlikely as any nightmare can get. No ordinary person, herself included, would suppose that these nightmares were accurate memories, without the slightest distortion or elaboration, but it turned out that this is precisely what they were. She had suffered Satanic Ritual Abuse as a child and for decades had lost all memory of ever having been exposed to it. These dreams proved key pieces in the puzzle as to why she was always oppressed. She never wanted those 251

dreams but they ended up playing a vital role in putting her shattered life back together. My dreams always seem to contain fanciful elements. I dont recall ever having a dream that was an accurate repeat of something I had previously experienced. So I was surprised to learn from people with traumatic pasts that sometimes their nightmares often repeated several times over the years are exact reproductions of traumatic experiences they had suffered long before. They seem more like flashbacks than dreams but they occur during sleep. Often, like the woman mentioned above, it is years after first having these dreams that they begin to realize that they are not just having nightmares but memories of actual events. They suffered such horrors that anyones mind would naturally recoil from them and want to totally erase them, but on the other hand there is a deep human need to process and resolve traumatic memories, and, from another perspective, the experiences are simply too extreme not to be memorable. It can become virtually impossible to keep the memories suppressed forever, and dreams are one way in which they slip out. This turns out to be a greater blessing than is often realized. I can best explain this with an analogy that for some sensitive people might itself become nightmare material. If, for example, you would find a mild horror story upsetting, then just read on. Other readers, click here.

Strong Emotions From Known or Unknown Past Traumas A dream might not be like a flashback is which details from the past are replayed exactly, but it could deal symbolically with unresolved fears, anxieties and anger stemming from past traumas. If this is so, then it doesnt take a genius to realize that resolving these issues will stop this source of nightmare. Accessing suppressed memories might seem impossible but, as Daniel told Nebuchadnezzar as he began to interpret his dream, there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries (Daniel 2:28). Our prayer-answering Lord knows what lies in darkness and reveals deep and hidden things (Daniel 2:22). The God who begs you to ask that you may receive says, Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know (Jeremiah 33:3). The God who calls you his precious child longs to reveal to you all that you need for peace and wholeness. All that is needed is for you to have the courage to face the truth when it is revealed and to handle it in a Christlike manner. This is not nearly as scary as it may seem because the God of all comfort longs to be with you every step of the way and Jesus has already borne in his own torture on the cross all the pain and 252

punishment and injustice associated with your trauma. When people suppose they are avoiding pain, and think the damage they have suffered is untreatable anyway, people are content to let unpleasant memories remain buried. But the surfacing of suppressed traumas through unpleasant dreams can be a blessing and might sometimes be a direct act of God because the damage can be treated and the pain can end, provided people with these pasts stop living in denial. The surfacing of these memories long after the event makes sense reveals divine wisdom because with the passing years these people have gained maturity, greater spiritual awareness, and sometimes greater access even to human help than when the original trauma occurred. You need never fear truth. The Healing Lord is the God of truth and he moves in an atmosphere of truth, not one of living in denial. Just as Jesus offers full forgiveness but we must confess our sins admit to ourselves that we are morally damaged so healing is available to us but we must first admit that we have been internally wounded. To deliberately live in denial is to resist the Spirit of truth. Even though he knew they needed healing, Jesus the truth (John 14:6) didnt heal people without them facing reality and admitting their problem (examples). As much as Jesus wanted to heal them, their healing hinged on them admitting that they were sick and needed healing. Had they out of shame or through priding themselves in being macho said, Im fine, they would have missed their healing. This principle applies to emotional healing as well as physical healing. There is no truth that takes God by surprise. There is nothing too hard for him or is beyond his ability to forgive. The emotions we dont want to face are inside of us, whether we deny it or not. They dont scare God. The only problem is that they often scare us. He wants you to have the courage to get really honest with yourself and with him and face your fears and your past disappointments, frustration, anger, inner pain, and so on. He is not shocked. He knows it already and he still loves and accepts you. Rather than force himself on you against your will, he honors you by restraining his longing to deliver you and tenderly waiting for you to trust him enough to invite him into the dark corners of your life and let him touch that ever so tender part of you with his healing hands. It is in the dark that shadows loom and harmless things seem terrifying. It is when we bring them into the light that sanity returns. God wants you empowered to get on with your life but this cannot happen until with Christ you face the ghosts of the past. Living in denial is a sure way to keep the pain nagging in the background and hinder healing. Distressing dreams can be an invaluable way of helping us face reality so that we can heal. 253

Various things are needed to resolve emotional issues associated with past trauma. A key matter is to end the blame game. Nothing festers the wound, preventing healing, like blame, whether it be God, other people or ourselves that we blame. Our one and sure hope is to let our crucified Lord do what he longs to do by letting all the blame be placed on his innocent shoulders. There is blame grave offences have been indeed committed but we let all blame die with the One who died for the sins of the world; the one who was tormented so that our torment could end. An obvious key to finding peace is talking to God about the issues. Ive already mentioned this. Something we can foolishly overlook, however, is talking to people about the things that disturb us. Many of us think ourselves too spiritual for this. If so, we are more spiritual than God. For Scriptures exposing this as a lie our temptation to keep things solely between God and us, see Our Need of Human Help. Therefore confess your sins to each other . . . so that you may be healed (James 5:16). Heres a powerful saying: You are as sick as your secrets. (Source) Keep pounding heavens door until every personal implication is revealed. In the dark, things seem more frightening that they really are. It is when they are brought into the light that they lose their power to terrify. It is then that they cease to haunt us. Living in denial can never change reality. Nothing can change the past. But embracing the truth of our past empowers us to change our future reality and find true healing.

Processing Recent Experiences Ecclesiastes 5:3 . . .a dream comes when there are many cares . . . Dreams can be influenced by our experiences, sights, emotions, worries. and conscious thoughts during the previous day or so. The more we let things disturb or excite us during our waking moments, the more they are likely to torment us as we sleep. Some things such as movies with violence, sex or horror we can avoid exposing ourselves to. Even for unavoidable things, we can lower the extent to which we dwell on them or get emotional about them. For example, the more effectively we practice the following, the more pleasant our sleep is likely to be. Proverbs 3: 21,22,24 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you . . . when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie 254

down, your sleep will be sweet. Ephesians 4:26 . . . Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, Philippians 4:8 . . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things. 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. If daily events affect our dreams, we can expect that the more we devote our waking moments to thinking about and conversing with God, the more the good Lord is likely to feature in our dreams. What makes it particularly important to do all we can to avoid looking at or fantasizing about anything that is borderline is that dreams are likely to seize what we do when awake and push things still further. This is just one possible factor affecting our dreams, so not all undesirable dreams will be eliminated by doing our best to control what we expose ourselves to during our waking moments but I believe it can eliminate some of them by this approach.

Fevers, Medications, Sleeping Pills, etc Not surprisingly, nightmares are more common during a crisis or after a traumatic event. In this section, however, well consider the possible influence of much less emotionally charged factors. Ecclesiastes 5:12 The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep. Could this be hinting that lack of exercise and/or overeating can be a cause of unsettling dreams? Certainly there are modern claims along this line. For example, it is thought that by raising ones metabolism and brain activity, eating just before sleeping increases the likelihood of nightmares. Or maybe a connection between bad dreams and late night snacks is due to digestive problems. Some studies have shown a link between stomach problems and dreams involving fear, anxiety or pain. There is also a little evidence that an Atkins high-protein, high-fat, lowcarbohydrate diet significantly increases bad dreams (Details). It has been asserted that chocolate can increase the sexual content in dreams. 255

The British Cheese Board funded a study to try to debunk the belief that cheese can cause nightmares. Although volunteers did not report an increase in what researchers defined as actual nightmares, Stilton cheese was found to increase bizarre and vivid dreams. If this connection turns out to be genuine and not some freak result, I would not be surprised if many other foods affect dreaming. Probably the effect would vary from person to person. Fevers have long been believed to be associated with bad dreams. Laboratory tests suggest that frightening dreams can be triggered by loud noises. In fact, there is a vast array of factors claimed to affect bad dreams. I stress that I have not investigated these claims to ascertain how likely they are to be true but would you humor me for a minute as I indulge my sometimes-dangerous addiction to common sense? My thoughts might only be worth common cents but Ill let you decide. There are obviously a huge number of factors affecting how soundly we sleep. If we do not sleep at all, we certainly will have no dreams, pleasant or unpleasant. And if our sleep is shallow or fitful it will affect the length of our dreams and whether we will remember them. Dream recall is of major importance. Almost all of us have far more dreams than we remember. It is claimed that some people regularly plagued by bad dreams have consciously or unconsciously willed themselves not to recall the dreams. Some dream researchers believe that regardless of whether it is done deliberately, immediately forgetting bad dreams is highly undesirable because it is has the effect of even more deeply burying problems that desperately need conscious examination by the dreamer. We are more likely to dream after five or six hours sleep. This is true even if we wake up after that time and do not go back to sleep for an hour or so. A low dopamine level in the brain might be a factor in bad dreams. It has been claimed that extra vitamin B might help correct this. Suggested herbal remedies for bad dreams include chamomile, peppermint, caraway seed, anise and Echinacea. Lavender is also thought to be helpful. In fact, a very long list of herbs and also vitamins, minerals and amino acids are each claimed to affect dreaming, dream recall, or lucid dreaming. For some people, drugs (whether prescribed or illicit) or alcohol, or the abrupt withdrawal of either, can apparently cause bad dreams. Although the specific effect varies from person to person, many medications come with warnings that they may cause drowsiness. Anything that deepens your sleep has the potential to prolong an unpleasant dream. The deeper your sleep, the more terrifying or disturbing a dream must become before being sufficient to wake you and so end the dream. On the other hand, most dreams are quickly 256

forgotten, and if you had two identical dreams (i.e. if remaining asleep did not cause the dream to escalate) and you woke immediately after just one of the dreams, it is the one you woke up straight after is the one most likely to be remembered. A further complicating factor is that a forgotten dream could be a wasted opportunity for healing or personal growth or avoidance of future problems. As a last resort, doctors can prescribe medication that actually reduces the amount of what is known as REM sleep that part of the sleep cycle in which most of our dreams occur. However, researchers for this job a sadistic streak would help have prevented people from dreaming by waking them every time they enter REM sleep. They found that this increased the frequency with which attempted dreams occur, suggesting that our minds have a strong need to dream. REM deprivation (being denied that type of sleep in which dreams usually occur) can have a wide range of undesirable consequences. Obviously, one needs to consider medical implication before dabbling with medications, whether herbal or otherwise. Just because something is a herb does not mean it is without risks. If natural cures had no effect there would be no point in taking them. However, if your dreams have changed of late, consider whether there has been any change in what you put into your body.

Natural Wet Dreams Some people will find this section helpful. In contrast, people not plagued with this problem have the luxury of thinking the subject distasteful and unnecessary. Such readers are invited to skip to the next section. Nevertheless, I willingly embarrass myself to support those who need it. As an unmarried man, I have found wet dreams unpleasant. I draw comfort, however, from medical studies showing that both men and women cycle through times of sexual arousal when asleep and this is usually associated with Rapid Eye Moment (R.E.M.) i.e. dreaming. Why I find this comforting is that, for good reason, computerized equipment is often programmed to automatically do diagnostic checks. I add to this the fact our bodies need regular exercise to function best. So I see cycling through times of sexual arousal when asleep as Gods way of caring for my sexuality. It is him lovingly ensuring that I am not physiologically disadvantaged by my decision not to consciously arouse myself. Some people suppose that waking up aroused means that they have no option but to give themselves relief. This is not so. If ignored, the tension will slowly recede. Moreover, training oneself to have that degree of control will prove a valuable asset in marriage, allowing the prolonging of 257

pleasure and greater fulfillment for both partners. In contrast to mere physical arousal, however, sexual dreams can be a very serious source of temptation that can hound a person for many hours after waking. As a young man I completely broke my addiction to daily masturbation. For a long while afterwards I had a nocturnal emission about every six days. Not only was this so inconvenient that I was tempted to masturbate simply to control the timing of emissions, but instead of nocturnal emissions providing relief, I was consistently more sexually aroused than usual the next day. Eventually my body settled down. I presume this whole process was my body adjusting to not needing to produce as much fluids as before.

Natural Dreams Used by the Tempter It was perfectly natural for Jesus to be hungry after fasting in the wilderness, but it triggered a supernatural encounter with the Evil One, who used it as a powerful temptation to turn stones into bread. Likewise, a wet dream might be perfectly natural but that does not stop evil spiritual powers from doing all they can to exploit it and turn it into an opportunity for temptation. Most of us would be deeply upset by a dream in which we actually enjoyed sexual perversion or murdering someone. What would be even more disturbing, however, would be if we presumed this revealed our subconscious and that deep down the real us is perverted or murderous. We should be very wary about jumping to such unfounded presumptions. Our spiritual enemies have a vested interest in trying to con us into falling for a false self-image. There is a strong likelihood that we will end up acting in line with whatever self-image we accept. How we see ourselves is of extreme importance to God. He told childless Abram to call himself the Father of Many Nations. He called Gideon, hiding from his enemies, Mighty Man of Valor. We need to get our identity exclusively from Christ. He declares each of us a new creation for whom the old has passed away. Through him, we are the righteousness of God, more than conquerors, and so on (2 Corinthians 5:21; Romans 8:37). To be born of God means that spiritually we have Gods genes. If our self-image is so important, we can be sure that the enemy of our souls will focus on it. Furthermore, we must realize that even the holy Son of God was tempted in every way, and unless something seems highly desirable, it is not temptation. Holiness has nothing to do with 258

finding evil undesirable. True Christlikeness is about dying to self and if you never did certain things because you had no desire, avoiding them proves nothing about your holiness or devotion to Christ. You might still be utterly self-centered, self-serving and unregenerate. We must fully grasp the fact that temptation is not sin, that temptation comes to everyone, and that it would not be temptation unless we found something highly alluring. For further help with this, see Temptation is Spiritual Rape. But you might worry that not only did you find sin highly enticing, you actually yielded to temptation in your dream. Can any of us be held accountable for what we do in a dream, or are we absolved from all responsibility for what happens when we are asleep? My common sense (are the alarms screaming in your ear?) tells me that we cannot be held responsible for what we do when not awake. I have found that so often our spiritual enemies love doing evil and then trying to fool us into accusing either God or ourselves for their own despicable deeds. It is certainly true that Satan loves trying to condemn us for things we are innocent of, and surely it is at least sometimes true that we are not accountable for what we do in our dreams. Nevertheless, to my disappointment and to Solomons great advantage Solomons dream prevents me from giving an ironclad guarantee that we are never responsible. God appeared to Solomon in a dream and while still dreaming Solomon made the most momentous decision of his life. Told in his dream that he could have anything he asked for, Solomon made his choice while still asleep and God honored it (1 Kings 3:5-15). However, there are obvious dangers in using a divinely inspired dream as the basis for making presumptions about natural dreams, let alone satanically inspired dreams. Since he wanted to know Solomons answer, the Lord of all would obviously have ensured Solomon could think clearly while having that significant dream. Moreover, we can be sure that when Solomon awoke from this dream, he affirmed his decision, unlike someone who dreams of sinning and recoils from it upon awakening. In contrast to a dream from God, in a satanically inspired dream, evil forces would do all they could to confuse and fog the dreamers thinking. We know that temptation is not sin and it seems to me that in most, if not all, instances in which Christians dream that they are sinning, it is sheer temptation and that it is only what they do when awake that counts. Even if we were responsible for yielding to evil in our sleep, however, the devil would love to blow this out of all proportion. As I so often find myself having to tell people, one of the most important things in the Christian life is to focus on Gods great love for us and not let Satan trick 259

us into thinking that God frowns on us when we fall into sin. Yes, God is disappointed, but when a little child falls, whats the first thing he does? He runs to mommy or daddy for comfort. You, too, can run to Daddy, the instant you fall. The tender, forgiving Lord is devoted to you. Satan, however, wants to you to fear, and feel bad about running to God. He knows we instinctively recoil from anyone we fear might be angry or displeased with us and keep that person at arms length. He wants us to be standoffish from the only One who can truly deliver us and defeat Satan in our lives. He doesnt want us to rejoice in Gods forgiveness but to feel miserable. A woman kindly shares with us her fascinating experience: I began having disturbing dreams in which I found myself in all kinds of severe temptation. Most of the time I did not yield, but sometimes I did and I would awake troubled and disappointed in myself. I brought this to the Lord, and he reminded me that I had been praying that he make me a pure vessel. I had been asking him to search me in the night watches as David prayed in Psalm 139:23-24 and that was exactly what he was doing. He was honoring my request and showing me that my heart is not yet perfect. He showed me that if I would hate evil and love righteousness, I would not succumb, even under the great temptations the dream presented, for my hatred of evil would rise and I would see it for what it is. Mind you, I would have said I already hated evil and loved righteousness, but he showed me that I still have further to go. The dreams resulted not in condemnation but in a desire to be pure and to know God in a deeper way so that I may please him even when he searches my heart in the night. I was glad that by using a dream to show me my heart and me learning from it, I was spared from being tested in real life. In Psalm 51, David prayed after repenting of his sexual sin. He asked to be cleansed and said in verse 6 that God desires truth in our hidden and inward parts. I had been praying along those very lines. That is my desire. He granted that with those dreams. Of course, temptation in our dreams is no more of God than temptation when we are awake, but God carefully controls how much he allows the tempter to do so that if we respond correctly it furthers our spiritual advance.

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Getting Less Believable As we continue our thorough search for every possible source of upsetting dreams, the possibilities will become increasingly bizarre. I am acutely aware that in the eyes of many readers, I could make this page more credible if I omitted much of the following. I am strongly tempted to do just that but my conscience will not let me. To omit controversial or unlikely possibilities would be treating every reader as shallow or even spiritually incompetent. I proceed under the assumption you have the maturity to be spiritually discerning. Reject whatever you wish. All I ask is that you do not dismiss anything without first genuinely checking with the One who alone knows all things, to ascertain whether it has any relevance to you.

Demonic Guidance A man contacted me, desperate for help. He was convinced he was a born again Christian and believed that God kept telling him to do ridiculous tasks in order to free himself from demons. His guidance came in the form of what he called prophetic dreams, visions and internal voices. After doing his utmost to perform each task he would receive further revelation that he had not done it well enough and so the promised deliverance would only occur if he performed yet another task. This continued without let up for years. Space permits just a brief outline of a few of the tasks, but before I do so, let me point out what may seem unbelievable after reading the list: he is an articulate college graduate who works as a professional. Especially with the presence of the Holy Spirit, he said, [I] would like to think of myself as one with a sound mind. Before my counseling brought me into obvious contact with demons I had expected them to have superhuman intelligence. To my surprise, I have so far not seen this. What Ive found in them is simply an amazing ability to delude and make foolish things seem feasible. (Incidentally, this is what happens in most dreams, does it not? Demons, however, seem to be able to fog minds even when their victims are fully conscious.) If this man fully obeys the dreams, voices, and so on, they have promised him immense blessings. If he disobeys, however, he is threatened with cancer and financial ruin and even his salvation is said to be at stake. He feels overwhelmed with guilt if ever he resists the guidance provided by his dreams. Then follows anxiety, loss of appetite and the feeling in my stomach as if Ive just done a hundred situps or something. Its pretty intense. Sometimes his supernatural 261

guidance has led to such a state of anxiety, panic and confusion as to make him angry at God. Of the many fasts he had felt led to endure, one lasted twenty-one days, drinking only water. Two days later he was told to start again, this time without water. He lasted thirteen days and then felt led not only to continue but to fly to another city and live off the streets there until told to come home. In his weakened, dangerously dehydrated state, barely able to swallow, he never made the flight. On other occasions he took time off work to follow the supernatural leading and travel to various cities in the US and Canada, usually fasting along the way, sometimes sleeping on the streets with homeless people. At times he was told to shave his head and in a dream was told, Dont expect others to understand what you do to shock demons. Several times he has been directed to swim a sort of obstacle course at his local lake. Sometimes he has had to do it naked, sometimes wearing womens underwear, sometimes it had to be done at four in the morning in the middle of winter. This, he thinks, might be Gods clever way of curing him of his lusts. Another time he had to crawl naked across a mud flat filled with rocks and barnacles and then swim across a short channel to a boat marina and back. His legs sank knee-deep in the mud and he was badly cut by the barnacles and rocks. I have spent the last ten years in solid, Bible-teaching churches . . . So you would think that doctrine should not be my problem, he claimed. The tasks are strange, but perhaps a legitimate way for the Lord to drive out sin from within me and train me. . . . In the dreams, visions etc. Ive been told that this is a great story or movie being told and that Im the actor. . . . Ive been shown that Im winning keys of some sort. Hopefully, you do not need me to tell you that these dreams, visions and voices were not of God.

Demonically-Inspired Sexual Dreams This is another section I dearly wish everyone could skip, and if you do not have sexually explicit dreams involving anyone but your marriage partner, please do. I could not claim to have a remotely adequate webpage about bad dreams, however, without at least mentioning this subject. I will leave it to the reader to prayerfully evaluate the matter. It sounds bizarre or even unbelievable to most of us but before Im again strangled by my mastery of common sense, let me remind you that just because something is outside our experience or just because mild 262

instances might be natural rather than supernatural, does not mean genuinely supernatural instances do not exist. The occult speaks of incubus (male) and succubus (female) spirits that have sex with humans, usually when people are asleep or close to sleep. There are people for whom this is as undesirable as rape but there are also those who deliberately try to cultivate the experience. For them, the goal is for a spirit to appear to them in a vivid dream in human form and have sex with them. Often the requested form is that of a specific, unobtainable person they consider to be highly desirable, such as a movie star or a stranger they have been lusting over. In his earlier years, a young Christian man had been addicted to masturbation and sexual fantasy. Several years after stopping this behavior, he was shocked to discover occult teaching exalting masturbation and sexual fantasy as the key ways of encouraging sexual spirits to take over ones dreams. Although he had already stopped such behavior, just to play safe, he verbally renounced ever having engaged in it, and in Jesus name he rebuked any demons he had inadvertently encouraged. Amazingly, he then found himself subject to a counterattack, being plagued by exceptionally vivid sexual dreams beyond anything he had ever known. He continued in spiritual warfare, and after several days of resisting the demons he was free from the dreams. Yes, challenging sexual demons by renouncing any subconscious involvement he might have had with them, stirred a counter-attack, but remaining steadfast brought him to a level of freedom previously unknown to him. Never let sleeping demons lie. For a little more detail on this mans experience, see Demonic Sexual Dreams.

A Product of Multiple Personality Disorder Yep, Id like to omit this section, too. Some Christians who suffered trauma (often abuse) at a tender age insist that the startling discovery that they have multiple personalities has brought them dramatic healing and improved quality of life. Certain others think it is all demonic, some deny the entire thing, and most dont care. Nevertheless, at least one sincere Christian claims to have resolved two different types of unwanted dreams by this approach. A woman Ill call Christine had been repeatedly sexually abused as a little girl. Although conscious of the abuse, it was not until she was well into her thirties that she felt forced by things happening within her to conclude that her childhood trauma had fractured her mind into various consciousnesses (sometimes called alters). She now believes that in her minds desperate attempt to cope, consciousness of the full pain of each trauma was retained by only a part of her, thus freeing the rest of her to 263

stagger through life without awareness of the brain-numbing pain. I will share two quite different types of experiences she has had in which an alter played a role in undesirable dreams. The first is highly positive, the second is negative but was able to be completely resolved. Upon discovering a deeply hurting little girl inside of her, Christine began to teach this alter that she was a child of the King of kings and therefore a princess. Since princesses must be obeyed, Christine told her, this alter had the God-given authority to command abusers, demons, and so on, to leave. Soon after, Christine was having one of her terrifying flashbacks. Suddenly the child alter rose up, stomped her foot defiantly and told the abuser in the flashback that he must leave her because she was a princess. In her minds eye the abuser left and the flashback abruptly ended. Similarly, this alter authoritatively intervened during certain nightmares and demonic appearances. Not surprisingly, Christine found peace like she had never before known. Months later, Christine felt for hours an unusually strong urge to masturbate. Through iron will she denied herself and eventually got to sleep. She then had what to her were a series of dreams that were highly sexual. When it was finally over she heard an angry voice sarcastically say, That will teach you to deny me! Was this voice merely part of the dream? Was it a demon? The confusing thing is that there was yet another possibility: could it be an alter? If it were a demon Christine was eager to rebuke it and send it fleeing but if it were an alter, an aggressive approach would be wounding. Should it be an alter, it was still vital that there be no compromise with evil and that she be in full submission to God, but any child within that is actually part of her very self must be treated with the love and tenderness of a Christ-like parent towards a delinquent child. No parent filled with godly wisdom and self-control would emotionally damage even the most rebellious child by calling her a demon (much less actually believe she is a demon!). Christine sought God. She believes he revealed that the voice was one of her alters (not the one mentioned above). Upon questioning her, the alter admitted that she had been using masturbation as a way of trying to dull her severe inner pain. Other alters, upon discovering the advantages of full sexual purity, not only denied themselves but had begun refusing to let this alter masturbate the body they all shared. In an angry attempt to get even with those refusing to let her pleasure herself, this alter had stayed awake while the other alters slept and deliberately inflicted her sexual fantasies upon them all. What to the rest of them seemed a dream was actually this alter fantasizing. Christine lovingly listened to the rebellious alter, comforted her, prayed for her and explained both the advantages of sexual purity and how God provides far more effective and fulfilling ways to be healed of her pain. 264

Although very angry at first, the alter was won over in a matter of hours. She apologized to God and to the others for her fantasies, and this source of unwelcome dreams ended. Another of Christines alters had felt unable to trust Gods protection enough to sleep when the other alters slept. This alter was literally paranoid, and so fearful that she would always stay awake at night and sleep in the day when other alters were awake to ensure that part of her was on guard throughout every minute of every day and night. Even when awake, she often had panic attacks at night. As an extreme act of faith in God, she made her first attempt at sleep at night. This resulted in a dream that was so terrifyingly repulsive that for the first time in her life Christine literally vomited in her sleep. She woke up fearing she would drown in her vomit. This sounds like a most discouraging setback but God turned it into a spectacular victory. Despite being deeply shaken, the alter, upon waking, told herself it was just a dream and as soon as she had cleaned up she resolved in faith to again try to sleep rather than revert to her usual practice of staying on guard. She slept soundly for the rest of the night. So much for the bizarre. Dont neglect to pray about what might seem far-fetched possibilities, just in case there is more to them than initially seems to be the case. We will now, however, move to something so simple that it seems believable even to those lumbered with common sense like mine. Please proceed to the next page. http://www.net-burst.net/demons/exorcism-dangers.htm

Warning: Exorcism Dangers

Whenever pride and/or a rush of blood taint something holy, things can quickly turn ugly

Beware, lest telling demons where to go degenerates into a power trip and turns a sacred ministry into an egotists playground.

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Luke 10:17-20 The seventy-two returned with joy and said, Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name. He replied, . . . do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. Jude 1:9 But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not dare to bring a slanderous accusation against him, but said, The Lord rebuke you! Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. A friend of mine had been so deeply traumatized by childhood sexual abuse that she would freak out if anyone so much as touched her. Then some people with more ignorance than brains tried to subject her to deliverance ministry, with truly tragic results. She writes: At a Bible study I was attending, a guest evangelist excited the other eight Christians present to deliver me from a demonic spirit. Until then, I had allowed no one but my husband to touch me throughout my adult life no family, no friends, no Christians, no one! I have always made sure of that. Even to be touched by my husband was so upsetting that I would dissociate.

Deliverance Ministry

Exorcism

One person grabbed my wrists. I flinched and pulled away. They thought this must have been a demon and grabbed again. I struggled. The guest got some others to hold me. I dropped to the ground, trying to free myself and pull away. They followed me to the ground and pinned me. Eight people restrained me for over four hours, delivering me from the devil. (Did they really think God was too weak to deliver me in a much nicer way, if deliverance were really necessary?) They took olive oil and rubbed it on my body. The ladies even rubbed it under my clothes. I was just growling and thrashing about in panic as they pinned my limbs and shoulders and head down. They hit me in the stomach several times, yelling and rebuking the devil in Jesus name. I hated myself for trusting them and not protecting myself. I was seven months pregnant and within hours I miscarried,

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losing my baby boy. Too distraught even to cry, I just called the doctor and brought him to the doctors office with me. Thereafter, horrific flashbacks and memories from past abuse began to torment me. I have always blamed myself for murdering my baby boy, because I had been unable to break out of their restraints, and because I trusted those people and had been part of that group. My mental state quickly degenerated after that and about six months later I sought counseling and have been on a long healing journey ever since. As well-meaning as the offenders might have been, their actions were criminally irresponsible. The ordeal they inflicted upon this sensitive woman would have highly distressed anyone, but with her background it was as traumatic as prolonged rape. More atrocious still is that it was done in the name of Jesus! If you have read my other webpages you will know I firmly believe in the value of deliverance ministry, but there is a vast gulf between what is spiritual and what is fleshly. Things can quickly turn dangerous when people presume that anything out of the ordinary must be demonic and that they are justified in physical and/or psychological assault in the name of Jesus. For another way in which deliverance ministry has been wrongly used with tragic results, see Multiple Personalities & Demons.

Not to be sold. Copyright, Grantley Morris, 2009. For much more by the same author, see www.net-burst.net These writings may be freely copied provided they are not placed in a webpage, nor in anything that is sold and provided this entire paragraph is included. For use outside these limits, written permission is required. Freely you have received, freely give.

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