Jayel Kirby Briggs English 2010 @ 10 February 18, 2014

Staci, Dec. 2013, by Farris Gerard

Staci, Self-Injury Survivor Its February 6, 2014, and beside me in my tiny home office, sits twenty-four year old Staci, a gregarious, freckled redhead who has recently announced her engagement to Sean, the young man shes been dating for nearly two and a half years. Were perched on office chairs, facing the screen of my home computer, where Ive written questions Im about to ask her concerning her addiction to self-injury. Its a grizzly topic, so Ive steeled myself for the interview, although Ive heard most of her story before.

Slide from Stacis presentation

I already know she gave a presenta-

What What is is Self-Injury? Self-Injury?

Self-injury Self-injuryis is the the act actof of attempting attemptingto to alter altera a mood mood state state by by inflicting inflicting physical physical harm harmserious serious enough enough to to cause cause tissue tissuedamage damage to to one's one's body. body. Approximately Approximately 1% 1% of of the the united united states states population population uses uses physical physical self-injury self-injuryas asa away way of dealing with overwhelming feelings or of dealing with overwhelming feelings or situations, situations,often oftenusing using it it to to speak speakwhen when no no words words will will come. come.

tion on self-injury to her health class when she was in high school, and that the teacher asked her to present it to the school board, who in turn asked her to consider sharing her message with students throughout Granite School District.

I know other details, too. I was at the meeting where her high school counselor broke the news to her mother, after two friends had reported her self-destructive behavior. I remember that day vividly, because I am her mother. Regardless of what I think I am prepared for, I am about to be blown away. But todays interview isnt about me or my reaction. Its about Staci and what motivated her to overcome an insatiable craving to carve her own skin. And so, our interview begins.

How old were you when you started purposely harming yourself?
In 8th grade, I found it relaxing to take the point of the spiral from the spiral-edge notebook and run it against my skin. I never broke skin or bled when I did this, and I didnt do it very often. By the end of 9th grade, I had a friend who was cutting. It really worried me and I told her that for every time that I found out that she had cut, I would cut. Eventually, we stopped being friends, but I still continued to cut.

Staci in 8th grade, by Lifetouch

Why did you continue self-injury when you were no longer motivated to help your friend?
I liked the feeling.

You liked the pain?

Yes. When the body experiences pain, it releases a rush of endorphins or adrenalin and you can get high off of those chemicals. I also found it very fascinating to cut very slowly and to feel and to see my skin rip apart.
Staci in 9th grade, by Lifetoucch

Slide from Stacis presentation

What forms of self-injury have you used?

Just the cutting. I would occasionally push bruises if I couldnt openly cut at the moment - like, if I was in school and couldnt run to the bathroom, or was in another social situation where I couldnt have an excuse to leave. Pushing on fresh cuts would work as well, but after a day or two, the pain wasnt sharp enough. I never tried burning; that just seemed unpleasant.

What parts of your body did you cut?

I started cutting my wrists, until I heard of other cutters who would cut on their upper arms so that sleeves would cover it. I ended up covering a lot of that area (the upper arm) in cuts. Then I heard about people cutting on other places of their body, like legs and stomach. So I tried those, but I never ended up doing two or three cuts in those areas because it just didnt feel the same.
Staci preferred to cut her upper arms in uniform lines.

Share your feelings/experiences concerning common misconceptions about self-injury.

I had to do a presentation in front of my health class and chose self-injury. I started by taking off my jacket and showing my arms. After the class, everybody was talking about me. I had kids coming up to me between classes and asking me about it. Some just wanted to see my arms, some confided in me, telling me that they also cut. But some kids would say that I had just done it for attention. This made me really mad. Most people who cut dont do it for attention; most dont want other people Isnt Isnt It It Just Just Another Another Way Way To To to know. And attacking them by saying, Describe Describe A A Failed Failed Suicide Suicide Oh, shes just doing it for attention, Attempt? really isnt helpful. Attempt? Another misconception is that people who self-injure are suicidal. This is not true. Some people who self-injure may eventually commit suicide. However, they almost always use a method different from their preferred method of self-injury. People who selfinjure are looking for stress relief so that they can continue their lives. Cutting provides that relief by redirecting the stress.
No. No. Self-injury Self-injury is is a a coping coping mechanism, mechanism, a a way way to to stay alive. People who inflict physical harm stay alive. People who inflict physical harm on on themselves themselvesare areoften often doing doingit itin in an anattempt attempt to tokeep keep from killing themselves. They release unbearable from killing themselves. They release unbearable feelings feelings and and pressures pressuresthrough throughself-harm, self-harm,and andthat that eases their urge toward suicide. And, although eases their urge toward suicide. And, although some some people peoplewho who self-injure self-injuredo dolater laterattempt attempt suicide, they almost always use a suicide, they almost always use a method method different different from fromtheir their preferred preferredmethod methodof of self-harm. self-harm.

Slide from Stacis presentation

Did self-injury fix your problems?

Literally, it didnt fix the problem, but it made me feel better temporarily.

How often did you cut yourself?

Sometimes, I cut as often as two or three times a day.

When did you realize that your self-injuring behavior was a serious problem?
I was in my bedroom and had just finished cutting probably like twenty to thirty cuts down my left arm. I went in the bathroom to wash off all the blood and looked in the mirror and suddenly felt sickened by what I had done. I was so freaked out about it that as soon as I had washed off the blood, I went back into my room and did the same thing on my right arm. When I returned to the bathroom to wash, I was so sickened by it that I went back into my room and grabbed the blade again, but I had no where left to cut. Thats when I knew I had a problem. I just knew that the fact that I had run out of space was bad - not in a desperate for the high and now I have no more room bad - it was bad-bad.

Do you believe that you were addicted to self-injury?

I was addicted to the feeling of the skin ripping and I was addicted to the high.

Did seeing your reflection in the bathroom mirror become your motivation to stop?
It became my motivation to slow down.

What did motivate you to stop?

I have a vision of myself in the future: holding my kids, and them asking why I have white
lines all over my arms. Im not going to try to shelter them from it, but Im scared of them seeing me differently when they understand exactly what that means.

Ive made the decision that I dont want my kids to think of my arms as something from a horror movie, so I dont want my arms to get any worse than they already are I think that vision is the biggest motivation to stop.
As I said before, one of the most common misconceptions about self-injury is that people who cut are suicidal. Somebody who is suicidal doesnt see that they have a future.
As of February 2014, Stacis scars are barely visible.

For me, the reason I wanted to stop was because of the vision of my future.

How long has it been since you last participated in self-injurying behavior?
Last May, when my computer was stolen. Before that was June, 2011. The time before that was probably July, 2009.

Thats just three times in the last five years. Thats a huge change from two to three times a day. Do you consider yourself a recovered addict at this point?
I do. Even though, realistically, I dont think Ill never do it again. When I talk about it, I do use past-tense.

What part do you think motivation played in your ability to overcome addictive behavior?

Motivation is the only way to stop addictive behavior. You have to want to
stop, and find a reason to stop. Sometimes the reason becomes apparent before the wanting, and can make you want to want to stop. Sometimes the wanting to stop happens before you have a reason. But I really felt that neither the wanting nor the reason, alone, were enough. I had to have both.

Is there anything else that youd like to share that you feel is important?
Dont pressure anyone who is dealing with it. If youre the one doing it, find a reason to stop.

You cant stop any addiction until you really want to.