PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE

Parks and Recreation Saving a Marriage Written by: Michael DeVries April 22, 14

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE COLD OPEN INT. PAWNEE INDIANA CITY HALL PARKS AND RECREATION OFFICE LESLIE, APRIL, TOM, JERRY, AND DONNA are all at their respective desks, working on getting lot 48 up and running.

ANGLE ON: April, complaining as usual about the workload she has this morning, and sounding quite negative. APRIL (Her hands over her face) I hate workingggg, this is so stupid. Weve been trying to get this lot for over a year now and nothings changeddddd. ANGLE ON: LESLIE SITTING AT HER DESK LESLIE (Her eyes bugging out of her head, storming out of her office) Im sorry, what was that April? Are you being negative in the office about lot 48? Because we will get it, it will be ours, I NEVER want to hear any of you say something like that EVER again. (She looks around, and goes back into her office and shuts the door) ANGLE ON: THE GROUP, they all look stunned, Leslie has never yelled at someone like that before. DONNA Uhhhhwhat just happened? JERRY Oh Leslie must be so stressed; maybe Ill help her out. GROUP NO, JERRY!!!!!!!!!!! Jerry sits back in his seat, discouraged. APRIL (Looking very sad) I feel like my mom just grounded me for a year, I havent been yelled at like that since I was a kid.

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TOM Yeah Ive never seen anyone get yelled at like that before, April you really should watch what you say, you really messed up this time, Leslie is so mad at you. Way to go, April. GROUP TOM, SHUT UP!!!! END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE INT. LESLIES OFFICE DONNA knocks quietly and enters LESLIES office, LESLIE is sitting at her desk with her head lying on her arms, she assumes it is APRIL coming into her office. LESLIE (Rambling with her head still down) April Im sorrryyy, Im just really stressed out and Im scared were not going to get the lot and I really want the lot and when I heard you being negative I just snapped and Im sorry I love you forgive me please? DONNA Its me girl. LESLIE (Picking up her head in embarrassment) Oh Donna, whats up? I hope April doesnt hate me, uuggghhhh Im such a jerk idiot. DONNA Nooo come on L, you know none of us can hate you, no matter what you do. Im here because I know whats reeeally bothering you, its happened to me, well, a couple times.

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE LESLIE You do? DONNA Mmmmhhhmmm, you aint been gettin yo freak on with Ben recently, am I right? LESLIE What? Come on don, you know me, haha, you know. Right? Hah, right?

DONNA (Straight faced, not giving into Leslies lie) Please, the last time I saw someone frrrreak out like that for something so small as negativity, girl I was on a week dry spell and that was a dark time in my life. So tell me, whats goin on?

LESLIE Ugh aright aright, you got me, you always know when Im lying. I dont know whats going onnnnn its so annoyingggg. Im so busy with the lot and Ben is busy making sure city hall isnt run into the ground, I dont know I guess were both just too busy.

DONNA Mhm, mhm, I see whats goin on, yall two need some spice, something to get your sex life back into action, huh? LESLIE Yeah I guess so, but really Donna you dont need to help me, this is something I need to figure out on my own. DONNA Oh dont worry, Im not helpin ya, MA BOY IS HELPIN YA! Enter TOM, jumping through the door as if he was Michael Jordan being announced for an NBA finals game. LESLIE

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE (Sighing at the sight of Tom) Oh youve got to be kidding me.

TOM (Full of excitement) NOPE nobodys kiddin you, and guess what, I was listening the whole time through your phone, and I know exactly how to help. LESLIE (Unsure about what is going to happen) Uhhh I dont know Tom maybe I should just talk to Ann about this, she kinda knows me better than you do. TOM Please, I work in the same rooom as you, Im your assistanntttt, I know everything about you, so please let me help you? Please, please please please please please? LESLIE (Annoyed and just wants tom to stop saying please) FINE TOM, you can help me, but I have some ground rules; NO Usher videos, NO explicit movies, and absolutely NO roofies. Got it? TOM Got it, dont worry, I wont let you down, I gotta go, I need to brainstorm.

LESLIE (Her head falling into her hands) Ugh what did I get myself into? EXT. IN THE PARK BEN IS TALKING TO ANN ABOUT THE SAME TOPIC ANN (Confused) Hey Ben, whats up? Whyd you call me asking me to meet you in the park?

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE BEN (Nervous) Ugh I dont know, do you think Leslie will see us talking here? They look around and realize theyre at a park, which is where Leslie visits quite frequently. ANN Uhhhyeah, she could definitely see us talking here. But, dont worry, I got off the

phone with her a couple minutes ago and shes in a meeting. Now whats so urgent that you couldnt call me about? BEN Alright, uhh, I cant believe Im talking to you about this. Aright, here it goes. I think Leslie and me need more, I dont know, spark in our relationship. We havent.ya know.in a while, and I dont know what it is. ANN (Relieved that it isnt something actually important) Ben, come on, this is nothing to be embarrassed about, it happens to like almost every couple, like ever. Seriously its not a big deal. Leslie is madly in love with you and thats never going to change. BEN Okay, okay good. Because I love her so much. But do you think you can give me any tips about what I can do to get back to our old ways? Has sheeee said anything to youuu, does she want to go somewhereee, anything? ANN Hmmmm nope I dont think so, most of our conversations consist of me trying to have small talk and her interrupting me telling me every intricate detail about whats going on with the lot.

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BEN Yeah thats all she talks to me about too. Gosh I just want to take her mind off of it for one night, I swear it will do her some good. ANN Aright, aright Ben, let me think and Ill get back to you. But this doesnt mean Im doing all the work! You need to think of stuff too! BEN (Almost giddy) Okay! Yes, I will be thinking about it all day, thank you Ann, youre a good friend. ANN (Smiling) I know. INT. RON SITTING AT HIS DESK, STARING AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN, NOT WORKING ANDY knocks on the door and stares at RON through the door window as if he needs permission to enter his office. RON Andy, come in. ANDY (Walking into Rons office) Oh, uh, sorry, about thhhhhat. (Looking around the office touching random things) RON Andy, what can I do for you, cant you see Im very busy? ANGLE ON: RONs computer screen, which is on the generic Windows home screen, with no documents or applications opened. ANDY (Frantic)

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Oh, sorry, I didnt mean to bother you, Im just, Im just kind of concerned about my job here at city hall. Now dont get me wrong shining shoes is a great gig. But RON But, what? I thought you loved your job. Whats the problem here, son? ANDY But it doesnt payyyyy.very welll.if you know what I mean.. RON Yeah, Andy, I know what you mean. So what are you asking for, a promotion? ANDY NO! Well yes, if I could have a promotion that would be liketotally cool, and awesome, and you would be totally cool and awesome for giving me it. RON Well, son, there isnt exactly a promotion available coming from the shoe shining position. Maybe its time you found yourself another job. ANDY (Scared) What you mean like, not work here in city hall? But, all my friends are here, and April is here, and Tom is here, and Leslie is here, and Jerry is here They both start giggling when ANDY mentions JERRY. RON Son, isnt there something youre actually passionate about, you cant really love shining peoples shoes everyday that just doesnt happen. ANDY (Putting his hand over his face) Ugh I knowwww, but its the only thing Im good at. What I really want to be is Bert Macklin, FBI.

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RON goes silent, and stares at the camera. RON Considering you cant be another human being, I think you need to reevaluate what you really want to do. Maybe try to go to the Police Academy, if you want to be an FBI agent so badly. Now ANDY goes silent, and stares at the camera. ANDY Ron, you literally, just blew my mind, that is the best idea I have ever heard, like ever. (Now talking to himself) Ugh why didnt I ever think of that, Im so stupid. (Talking to Ron) Ron, youre the smartest man I know, and I thank you. Im going to the Police station right now and telling them that Ron Swanson wants me to be a cop!!! ANDY storms out of his office, RON is yelling down the hall, but ANDY doesnt stop. RON Dont do that! Dont tell them I sent you!!! END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO INT. LESLIES OFFICE, TALKING TO TOM. TOM Aright Leslie, so as I was coming up with ideas for you and Ben I realized, who better to help me than

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE (TOM does a slight drum roll) Jean Ralphio!!! LESLIE (Sighing and leaning back in her chair, rolling her eyes) Oh dear God you must be joking.

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JEAN RALPHIO enters in a similar way TOM previously entered, except with a dance move and a split to end it. JEAN Leslie, Leslie, Leslie, girl you are in good hands, the best hands, if I may. LESLIE You may not. JEAN Tommy boy and myself are gonna help you get so freaky, you are not gonna know what to do with yourself. LESLIE (Has now lost all hope for herself) Aright, guys, lets hear it. Lay it on me, lets get it over with, lets go. TOM (Turning a computer screen towards Leslie, an R. Kelly music video is on the screen) Take. Notes. LESLIE (Angry) TOM!! I said no Usher videos!!!! TOM Leslie, this is R. Kelly, please dont confuse them again, and seriously this guy is a guru!! LESLIE Tom, wasnt R. Kelly accused of urinating on a girl in the past? TOM and JEAN RALPHIO look at each other, wide eyed. JEAN (Whispering to Tom) I thought you said she didnt know about that.

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TOM (Whispering back to Jean Ralphio) I didnt think she did! Shes so old! LESLIE (Annoyed) I can hear you!! JEAN Tom, dont talk about L girl like that. Les, can I call ya Les? LESLIE No. JEAN OK Leslie, you need to let gooooo, you need to think of something that is gonna take him completely off guard and blow his mind!! TOM Jean Ralphio is right, you need to dig deep and think of something that you would never do, then do exactly that. Spontaneity is so important in a relationship, I know, from experience. LESLIE looks at TOM suspiciously. TOM OK, I read it in Cosmo, but still, they know their stuff. Think about ittttttttt. TOM and JEAN RALPHIO slowly back away as if theyre trying not to be seen, and run away when they break the plane of the door. LESLIE sits back in her desk, LESLIE (Talking to herself) Ya know what? The little twerps might be right. Oh my God I cant believe I just said that.

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EXT. ANDY AND RON ARE WALKING OUTSIDE, HEADING TO THE POLICE STATION RON Aright, Andrew, if you really want to be a cop youre going to need some insight from actual policemen. ANDY Well actually, Ron, I have been pretending to be a cop for a good 10 years now, so I think I have a pretty good idea about what it takes. (Pulls a pair of fake aviators out of his shirt and puts them on dramatically.) RON looks at the camera in silence. RON Yyyyeah, I dont think being an imaginary cop, for 100 years, will prepare you for being a real cop. ANDY (Looking at the camera) Yeah, well, agree to disagree. The two walk into the police station. INT. RON AND ANDY WALK UP TO THE POLICEMAN AT THE FRONT DESK. RON Hello, sir, my name is Ron Swanson, and this is Andy Dwyer, he has a big heart and wants to be a policeman. Please give him some insight on being apart of the force. ANDY leans in, listening intently to what the policeman is about to say. POLICEMAN (Looking at the two men with utter confusion) Yeah, well, first off, how old are you, Andy? ANDY (Confidently)

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE Im 26, no 25, wait.26. RON stares at the camera. POLICEMAN Aright, well people usually enter the academy at a younger age, like 22 or 23, ANDY Oh!! I can be 23 again, yup, just give me a day. RON stares at the camera once again.

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RON Sir, we were more looking for the positives and negatives of being on the force in general, well worry about the academy when Andy here decides on what he wants to do. POLICEMAN Aright Ill tell ya what, how about we make an appointment and Ill give you a tour of the police station and talk about what it takes? ANDY (Very excited) Wow, yes, thank you. Should I bring anythingweapon wise? POLICEMAN Uhhh, no. ANDY OK. INT. ANDY TALKING TO APRIL ABOUT HIS DAY ANDY April, baby, I have the best news! APRIL What? ANDY

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE Im going to be a cop!!! APRIL (Confused) uhhhh, what are you talking about? ANDY Ron gave me the idea, we went down to the police station today and spoke to a REAL cop and he said hed show me around and talk to me about what it takes!

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APRIL (Sad) Wowww, thats great babe. But what about your shoe shining business, and your band, wont that be a lot to handle? ANDY Well yeah, thats why Im quitting my shoe shining job. APRIL So that means we wont work in the same building anymore? And get lunch together? And make fun of people as they walk by? ANDY Well, I guess we wont, but hey I dont have to be a cop! Ill just say thanks but no thanks to the cop and stay in city hall. APRIL Nooooo Andy dont do that, if being a cop is what you really want to do, then you should do it! ANDY Really?!? I love you so much baby come here gimme a kiss. APRIL (looking at the camera, sad) Stoppppp END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE EXT. BEN AND ANN MEET IN THE PARK AGAIN TO DISCUSS WHAT THEYVE THOUGHT OF BEN Hey Ann, so glad you could make it on such short notice. ANN Yeah no problem, but uhhh, why are we meeting in the park again, didnt we decide this wasnt the best place to talk about this?? ANGLE ON: BEN and ANN from afar Both BEN and ANN go silent and look around BEN Yeah I guess I should have thought of that. ANN Well whatever, if she sees us we can say we were both on a walk and ran into each other. So whats up? Lets hear your ideas. BEN Okay, here it goes, I blindfold her, take her to JJs Diner, and buy her waffles. BEN looks at ANN as if it was the best idea ever, and is waiting for her to freak out and tell him how good of a job he did. ANN Ben, you realize she goes there almost 6 times a week, right? It would be as if you blindfolded her and brought her to the bathroom. BEN Ugh, youre right. ANN

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE Well, what else ya got? The two sit in silence. ANN That was the only thing you came up with, wasnt it? BEN (Hanging his head, almost whispering) Yes.

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ANN Alright, well, lucky for youuuuu. My genius brain came up with the perfect night for you two. BEN (Excited) Wait, really? Ann thats awesome thank you so much! The two again, sit in silence. ANN Welllll, do you want to hear it? BEN Oh! Yeah, sorry. ANN Look around. BEN Its the park. ANN Exacttlyyyy, have a romantic picnic here tonight!! Surprise her, kidnap her from where ever she is, and from whatever shes doing. Bring her here and work your magic!! You can even blindfold her if you want, to make it seem like your idea helped out mine. BEN (Wide eyed, and astonished he didnt think of that)

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE Thats a fantastic idea Ann! The two things she loves the most, parks, and me. Thank you so much I couldnt have done this without you. ANN (Smiling) I know. INT. LESLIES OFFICE, HER AND TOM ARE TALKING

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TOM Aright, lets hear it, I know its gonna be awesome, since my advice was awesome. LESLIE Well, your advice wasnt exactly awesome, since you showed me an R. Kelly video, but telling me to be spontaneous was a good idea, I gotta to hand it to ya. TOM (Full of excitement) Really? Oh wow Leslie, thats one of the nicest things you ever said to me! LESLIE Yeah yeah, whatever. Okay heres what Im gonna do, Im gonna have sex with him in the janitors closet here at city hall! TOM (Taken back) Uhhh, Leslie, I dont know if thats such a good idea, you can get in a ton of trouble for that, annddd maybe even lose your job. LESLIE Nope, already made up my mind, tonight there will be sex happening in city hall (She shoots a single hand pistol and winks, then realizes that was weird and holsters her weapon) INT. CLOSE TO 9 OCLOCK AT CITY HALL. BEN APPROACHES LESLIE BEN walks up to LESLIE and taps her on the shoulder.

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE BEN Hey

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LESLIE (Startled and awkward) AH, oh, hey Ben, Benny, Benny boy, Benjamin, Benjamin Franklin, the founder of electricity, face of the hundred dollar bill. BEN Uhhh, okay. Well I have a surprise for you. LESLIE What a coinicidence, Ihave a surprisefor youas well BEN Really? Well me first. LESLIE (Anxiously and annoyed) Uhhhhh okay fine. BEN turns LESLIE around and puts the blindfold around her eyes, and guides her to his car. EXT. BENS CAR HEADING TO THE PARK LESLIE Ben! Whats happening, are we in a car, what are you doing, where are you taking me, BEN! BEN Relax, relax, were going to a place you love. EXT. BEN GUIDES LESLIE TO THE CANDLE LIT, ROMATIC PICNIC. BEN Okay, on the count of three, take the blindfold off. Onetwo LESLIE doesnt wait until three and rips off her blindfold. LESLIE Awwwwwww Bennnnnnn what is thissss?? BEN Uhhh, its a picnic, at the park.

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LESLIE Well I can see that, but why??? BEN Well youve been so busy with the lot and working long nights, I figured you needed to get your mind off it, and where better to do that than a place you love? LESLIE And with a man I love The two smile at each other, lovingly. They sit down and begin to enjoy the picnic. BEN Oh wait! What was your surprise?? LESLIE Ohhhh nothing, nothing important. The two smile, and enjoy their night. INT. THE NEXT MORNING, IN THE PARKS OFFICE RON SEES ANDY RON Andrew, when are you meeting with the policeman? ANDY Oh, uhhh, ya know what? I think Im just gonna stick around here a little longer. ANDY sees APRIL at her desk, the two lock eyes, and smile. RON Oh yeah? Why the sudden change of heart? ANDY Oh I dont know, just didnt feel right I guess. RON (Shrugging) Yeah well, the police force is as corrupt as it gets, I dont want to see you in a uniform anyway.

PARKS AND RECREATION SAVING A MARRIAGE ANDY WHAT?! Corrupt?!? This sounds like a job for, Bert Mackline, FBI. (Dramatically pulls out his knockoff aviators) RON stares at the camera, shakes his head, and walks away. ANDY looks back and forth from the camera to RON, and runs after him. END OF ACT THREE

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