Proposal for Personal Change Braden Despain COMM 2110

Goal: My goal is to become better at being an effective listener by applying other-oriented principles.

Rationale: I tend to be a selective listener which you could also compare to as egotistical listener. A selective listener is someone who breaks down an incoming message and picks out certain words or phrases that they think are more "important" or apply to them because of already existing biases and expectations. (Beebe 7e, pg. 127) This can happen both consciously and unconsciously, but I tend to do it unconsciously since I am so used to it. As I become an effective listener and stop being a selective listener, I will be able to communicate better with everyone and not cause tension in my relationships.

Strategies: I. I can start by using the active listening skills found in Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others on page 183. (Beebe 7e) These skills, which include questioning, paraphrasing content, and paraphrasing feelings, will help me to organize information while I listen. i. Question: this is anything that tells your communication partner that you have acknowledged them and want to more or you didn't fully understand them so you ask a question in order to clarify the message. ii. Paraphrasing content: while listening, mentally summarize the content of your partner's message and then verbally summarize to him or her to let them know that you understood what they were saying. This will help you and your partner in communication. iii. Paraphrasing feelings: Paraphrasing how you might think your partner feels in relation to the situation or problem will let your partner know that you understand where they are coming from. It will help you understand exactly what they are feeling, especially if they give you feedback which will allow you to show empathy to them. Empathy is relating to another person's emotional reaction. (Beebe 7e, pg. 111) Giving full attention to your partner is also vital. (Beebe 7e, 246) For example, when Im listening to a family member I need to stop what Im doing, make eye contact, and give them full attention. II. As I was looking up empathy I saw social decentering also on page 111. This is the "cognitive process" of looking at another person's personal characteristics such as their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, experiences, and views. (Beebe 7e) This is the first skill of becoming other-oriented. This is a very important concept to know when communicating with people of other cultures, so that you don't accidentally offend them or misunderstand them. Besides taking into account cultures and backgrounds, being conscious about other people's feelings is also very important if you are trying to be other-oriented. And as you become more other-oriented you become less of an egocentric communicator. (Beebe 7e, pg. 25) III. I think another helpful strategy in becoming a better listener is always trying to have an agreeable setting for you and your partner to communicate. (Beebe 7e, pg. 242)

When both communicators are in an appropriate mood in an appropriate place at the appropriate time, the communication will go a lot smoother and be more effective. It also allows you to avoid angry situations and heated arguments. Finding a neutral time and place is important so as to not make one person feel less powerful than the other. For example, if I have a conversation with my mom at midnight in her room, chances are that I'm going to get defensive and revert to my egotistical listening. This also eliminates distractions and noise (Beebe 7e, pg. 7), making it easier to listen. IV. My last strategy is to figure out what my listening goal is. What exactly am I trying to understand from this conversation? Being other-oriented is someone who seeks to not only determines their own listening goal, but the communication goal of their partner so they know what they can also listen for to make communication effective. Depending on the situation, my goal is to decide what my objective is, whether it is sympathizing or trying to get information, to reach the optimal effective listening. (Beebe 7e, pg. 133)

Implementation: My goal is to entirely stop being a selective listener, but to begin with a short term goal I will start applying these strategies in my home with family members and friends. One of the biggest ones I can work on is the mutually acceptable time and place. (Beebe 7e, pg. 242) At the end of a school day I am tired and stressed and not particularly in a mood to have a discussion with my mom. The fourth strategy will be one that will take the most mental effort on my part, because Im not these best on determining goals on the spot. I need to actively listen to what my mom is saying to me to be able to decide what kind of approach I will take. The biggest motivation that I have is having better relationships with my family members and friends. These are the people that I care about so of course I would want to get along with them better and communicate more effectively with them by listening better. I would like to have this improvement with everyone around me, so I will start small and then expand outward while practicing these strategies. I cant really quantify my improvement, but I will know as I communicate and get along better with those around me.

Works Cited: Beebe, S., Beebe S., & Redmond, M. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (7th ed.). Boston: Pearson Publishers.