The Back Page

While in medical school, Thomas decided to conquer a

severe identity crisis that began in childhood. So aIter
changing his legal name to Paul Zinedine Rabil Zidane,
Dr. Johnsonor Dr. Zidane, as he is now knownbe-
comes the only highly accomplished physician who also
has impeccable handwriting.
THOMAS JOHNSON
BILLY BELT
While an undergrad at Boston College, Belt joined a
secret spy society with ties dating back to the American
Revolutionary War. AIter graduation, he successIully
completed the Navy Seal training program, and spent
several years in service overseas. Upon his return to the
States, Belt joined the NSA. He spent 15 years there
shrouded in mysterious activity. Belt now serves as
director oI the Central Intelligence Agency.
AIter a IruitIul kicking career at the University oI Vir-
ginia and 10 years in the pros, Vozenilek returns to STC
to replace Hamill Jones as head Varsity basketball coach.
He oIten makes announcements in chapel to boost both
game attendance and overall enthusiasm Ior the basketball
program. (Yes, he still wears muscle shirts.)
ALEC VOZENILEK
KURT FLEMING
AIter trying unsuccessIully Ior a couple years to break
into the world oI academia, Fleming decided to become a
male model. Then, aIter a series oI mediocre muscle shirt
and Iur coat/top hat photo shoots, he Iound his niche as
a pitcher in the Major Leagues, pitching a perIect game
in the 2014 World Series. Fleming brings his academic
prowess and liIe experiences to his post-playing career
and now tutors young college ball players.
JAMIE RUML
Thanks to the eIIorts oI its relentless PR Manager Jamie
Ruml, the Iormerly little-known Richmond, Va. band,
Caged Angel, reached the top oI the charts and produced
numerous platinum recordings. AIter retiring at the age
oI 30 on his earnings Irom several oI the band`s world
tours, Ruml now perIorms on Broadway and continues
probono to promote the band and its record label. He is
occasionally known to stop by St. Christopher`s to make
spirited Caged Angel announcements.
ROBERT JOHNS
AIter graduating summa cum laude Irom William &
Mary, Robert Johns decided to grow a moustache and
save St. Chris the cost oI reprinting its letterhead by ac-
cepting a job teaching math at STC. He is also technical
director Ior the regularly inactive school website. Thanks
to the publicity gained during his Irequent 10-minute
chapel announcements, Johns has fnally made silver hair
Iashionable. Johns sidelines as top advisor to Bill Gates.
ZANE SEALS
Seals graduated cum laude Irom Virginia Tech, but aIter
vowing to never miss a single Hokies sporting event, he
had trouble fnding a job that fts his demanding game-
watching schedule. He decided to become the Iull-time
Hokie mascot where he can actually be paid to Iulfll his
liIelong dream. Several current students are upset, how-
ever, that their opportunity to don the turkey suit has been
lost indefnitely to a 40-year-old man.
RYAN VAN SUMEREN
During his days at Michigan, Van Sumeren became
renowned as the biggest Wolverine Ian. However, Iol-
lowing several incidents at the Michigan-Ohio State
games that included one all-out brawl against the entire
Ohio State Iootball team and its Ian base, Van Sumeren
was sentenced to a liIelong ban Irom attending Michigan
games. He has appealed his sentence several times and
now spends his days in the Wolverine Witness Protection
Program attempting to change his name to Lloyd Carr.
CHRIS DELANEY
Frustrated with the carelessness oI Iellow researchers in
the undergraduate biology lab, Delaney decided to attend
law school. AIter several successIul years deIending
the ethical treatment oI Iruit fies, Delaney returned to
medical school and became a pediatrician. He now heads
the Mayo Clinic and acts as its general counsel. On the
side, he owns and operates an 'Edible Arrangements
Iranchise. In the next Iew years, he hopes to Iulfll his
liIelong dream owning a small ice-cream truck business.
!"#$$ &' ()*)+ (),-.#/ 0.123&2
Thanks Ior a great year.
- The Editors
'You`re welcome.
- Titus