Soldier of Pain

Vol. 2
By Bobi D
Pain. It's a concept of our daily life. It's a universal force. The most varying object in the
universe, it is perhaps the most interpretable piece of life there is. What some see as torture, others
might call pleasure. What some call unfair, others see as a necessity. What traumaties one man may
e!hilarate another.
Pain is a "indred spirit to fire, really. #ire, both a friend and foe of humanity. It "eeps the
numbing cold out of the safety of our homes. It ma"es the food $e depend on edible. It can scare a$ay
so many of the creatures of the night that plague our most terrible nightmares. It is the greatest friend
man has.
Ironically, it is just as dangerous to us as it is helpful. #ire is "no$n to be the most damaging
$eapon $e posses. Burning is considered one of the most gruesome deaths $e can e!perience in our
miserable lives. It can destroy our homes just as easily as it ma"es them liveable. #ire is our %od, both
just and punishing, benevolent and cruel& $e can't survive $ithout it, and it can do us the most harm.
Pain is the same $ay. It's the force that has driven so many to rise to the s"y itself, to$ering
over the rest of humanity. It is the thing $e fear the most, the only monster that can cause us to destroy
ourselves. It is a rush that many people live for and love. It consumes our lives as easily as it gives
them meaning.
'uch are some of the $ays the monster called Pain can appear to a person. (veryone has their
o$n belief of $hat Pain is, its goals, and $hat summons the creature. It has more colors than the earth
itself. (very person's vie$ of it $ould be considered eccentric to another.
I vie$ Pain as a three)headed beast that al$ays $al"s beside me. (veryday of my life, one of its
terrible ja$s gapes $ide and $ill lash out at something. *ccasionally, I $itness one clamp its teeth on
someone I care for. Witnessing someone close to me suffer al$ays puts a $ound in my heart. I feel
sorro$, no matter ho$ $ell I understand life's inherent misery& I al$ays $ish they could be happy and
avoid suffering. 'econdly, I feel anger at $hat harms them. Person, place, thing... I feel a rage that
something $ould dare harm a friend, and see" to protect them from such evil. Incapable of doing
anything, that rage gets directed at myself for not being a stronger ally.
*n other occasions, I $itness one of the other t$o heads attac" someone I call a foe. I see it
clamp do$n on the bastard and can just feel their suffering, and can't help but feel joy. Whether it
happens under my command or no, I can't help but laugh. Those foolish enough to try to confront me
deserve nothing less. I never feel sorro$ for such people. *nly laugh at $hatever damage they receive.
*ver)reacting on both accounts, right+ ,eah, I do that a lot. It's funny, ho$ $hen you really step
bac" and loo" at things people today either respect or fear the most, you realie ho$ fuc"ing pathetic
so many of the things $e humans do are. 'ugar)coat the ideas of -I hate seeing my friends get hurt. and
-I fight against my foes. $ith fancy $ords and metaphors li"e I just did, people thin" you're insane.
/ive by those creeds, people thin" you're a god damn angel0devil. People loo" at the $ay I am and $ill
either thin" I'm a caring soul or one to hold a grudge)both, under the right circumstances.
1o$ever, I said pain is a monster bearing three heads. The third one $ould be the one $ho sets
its ever hungry ja$s on myself. 1o$ do I feel $hen it does so+ 1onestly, I can't say. Pain's become
such a usual aspect of my life, I can't ever say I'm surprised& that very pain has taught me so many
things, I can't entirely say I hate it. In regards to $hat I do and don't deserve, I've easily suffered plenty
for the $rong I have done in my life. 2o, the only pain I can even say still hurts me is the pain of hope
follo$ed by disappointment. When I allo$ myself to e!pect something besides pain is the only time I
find myself out of my element. Wal" a mile in my shoes, you'd easily understand $hy that is.
It $as a cold day in #ebruary, the #riday after meeting $ith 3arlos. I got home around 4546 in
the morning 7snuc" out night before then, as $ell8, give)or)ta"e a fe$ minutes. 9y family $as asleep,
and I "ne$ I had to get in the house $ithout $a"ing anyone up& other$ise, my parents might find out
about my night of drug dealing. Than"fully, I had a $ell)positioned ladder that $ent straight up to the
roof ne!t to my bedroom $indo$. To this day, I'll never understand $hy it's never been moved.
I climbed up to my room, got undressed, and cra$led into bed, praying for an hour or so of rest
before I had to $a"e up. Thoughts of blame, self)loathing, and self):uestioning did not permit such,
sadly, and I doed in and out of sleep until my alarm began blaing around five. I did some chores, got
ready for school, and miraculously assumed the role of a normal, school)going teenager.
The day $as mostly normal. %oing to classes I didn't care for, trying to do home$or" in class
because I "ne$ I $ouldn't do it outside of it, laughing at jo"es that $eren't funny, and tal"ing to people
$ho had no idea $ho I $as. Bac" then, school and my time in the to$n of 1arvey itself $as just a
filler& a blan" period in $hich all I could thin" about $as the events that occurred and might occur in
3olumbus. I never felt li"e I $as really in the classroom bac" then. 2o, I al$ays felt pulled a$ay.
3lass ended at 45;<, li"e al$ays. I stuc" my boo"s in my loc"er and left $ithout my home$or",
li"e al$ays. I spat a fe$ $ords at my -school friends. 7don't get me $rong, I had a fe$ people I felt
$ere real friends of mine, but I suspected most of the people I tal"ed to didn't really give a shit8 $hile
hurrying out the door, li"e al$ays. I drearily $al"ed home, head)phones in my ears, my mind again off
in that city I hated so much, but didn't "no$ $hat I'd do $ithout.
I got home and spent enough time there to tell my parents a story about going to a -friend's.
house)I don't even remember $hat friend)and that I'd be staying the night there. They told me to be
careful, and I $as off. =ather then going to said)friend's house, I headed off to a factory not too close to
my house and called up >ason for a ride.
There is a reason for this, and it's a very important lesson everyone should "no$. When dealing
$ith a -less)then admirable. cro$d, li"e I did on a daily basis in 3olumbus, it's a good idea to 2(?(=
give out personal information, li"e your real name or home)address. 1ec", I only allo$ed @ people to
ever even learn my hometo$n 7>ason, >ac", and >essica8. Thin" of it li"e the internet, only more
dangerous because you "no$ the people you're dealing $ith are violent criminals, and perfectly
capable of getting to your home. Anonymity is the citadel of the smart criminal.
1ell, I ain't giving out any of my employees' names in these here little stories, let alone my o$n.
This ain't no biography, spar"y.
1e got there before the sun had a chance to really start setting. We e!changed a hug, drove off,
bumped music, traded insults... typical stuff for anyone $ith the Whitman gene. I mean, it $as normal
teenage stuff. It didn't matter our car $as bulletproofed and $e had guns in the trun" and glove)bo!, $e
$ere still normal people, beneath the -Bingpin. visage. #eels $eird, loo"ing bac" at it. I al$ays
thought I $as some "ind of super)human and indestructible)a dream I never $ould have guessed $ould
get shattered that very day.
The small)tal" $as interrupted $hen >ason abruptly brought up business5 -'o there any runs
going tonight+.
9y voice turned somber. -2othing too major. A t$o)drop e!change $ith 3arlos's boys..
-9an, $e just slung ten pounds for him Wednesday. ,ou thin" $e're getting a little... over our
heads+.
The :uestion caught me entirely off)guard. >ason came to me. 1e $as born into this life $hen
his Dad left him at an orphanage. I $as the small)to$n babe born into a family)heavily dysfunctional,
maybe, but still a damn family. If anyone $as the -*.%.. bet$een us, he too" the cro$n. 1e taught me
most of $hat I "ne$. Who the fuc" did I get in a car $ith+
'hit, $hen faced $ith hesitation, inspire confidence $ith humor. I jo"ed, -/ong as $e stic" to
the plan, $e'll be in the clear. 9oney and drugs never touch hands, and not all the product in one place.
It's just another customer, man. A high)spending, 'get Isabella a fancy 3hristmas nec"lace' customer..
-9aybe you can finally buy your o$n car, fuc"ing leech.. he laughed bac". The #acade didn't
$or", though. I could tell he $as still uneasy. Didn't matter, though. Push the bull)shit to the bac", let
business ride shotgun.
We had a simple yet effective method for ma"ing runs. We'd hear the order in advance, inform
the buyer the price, and give him specific locations for retrieving the product and ma"ing the payment.
(veryone arrived at said location. The buyer e!changed money $ith one of us, $ord $as sent to give
his0her people their product. Dividing the order among multiple locations 7once had to divide it up to
4C pic")ups8 lo$ered the damage of any losses, and the fact drugs never touched money meant the
police couldn't ever bust any cash. It $asn't a total safety net, but it $as a deterrent. Wearing a seat)belt
doesn't guarantee surviving a crash, but it sure as hell betters your chances.
The do$n)side $as it made less people $illing to $or" $ith us, but that $as fine $ith me. It
$as a convenient e!cuse to "eep the tribe out of the real serious -big leagues., $hilst ensuring the
safety of my people. 'ure, $e had connections and certainly could and occasionally did do some
distributing 7selling straight to the jun"ies8, but stic"ing to supplying 7selling to the distributors8
seemed the best $ay to ensure anonymity, safety, and profit.
It also allo$ed the tribe to separate itself from typical gangs. *ur territory $asn't our most
important asset& our clients $ere. ?aluing people above land li"e that "ept us from the "ind of violence
famous in 3hicago and 3ompton. Why shoot at someone $earing the $rong colors in our
neighborhood $hen our neighborhood itself didn't ma"e us the big money+ 'o $hen I told my people
they couldn't just go around starting shit $ith people, they didn't object. It allo$ed for a sort
of....class.. We $ere civilied criminals, really. Polite drug dealers as li"ely to hold the door open as
$e $ere to get in bra$l.
I mean, $e sure as hell $eren't perfect. I sure as hell $asn't perfect. *ne guy says the $rong
thing, he can't be let off $ithout being taught not to. The streets are amaingly childish, really. Dsing
violence because of $ords, beating someone $ho doesn't apologie for spilling shit on you, smashing
the $indo$s of someone $ho cuts you off...
/i"e I said5 3hildish.
But childish $ays brought respect. =espect brought success. 'uccess brought guys li"e 3arlos,
and they brought money. We $ere ma"ing some damn fine cash $ith this, nearly as much as $e did in
>anuary in that $ee" alone.
We headed bac" to the #ort 7our head:uarters, located ne!t to >ac"'s shop8 after our business
$as concluded. *n a #riday night, all the hang)rounds, princesses, and small)timers $ere out partying
or something, so the place $as pretty much empty. The people $ho $ent on the runs met up $ith me
and >ason, filled us in on everything, and li"e$ise headed out for some enjoyment.
2o$, some might ta"e the same opportunity to go out, get smashed, get laid, and blo$)off some
steam. 9e+ I sat do$n and started $or"ing the boo"s. Added tonight's share to the cache, dividing up
runner's cuts, revie$ing contributions from the other members... accounting $or"s its $ay into every
business. Besides, I had a meeting $ith 3arlos in a fe$ hours. %etting high or bued before business
$as bad, plain and simple. I had a 9onster (nergy beside me, and money in front. All I needed.
>ac" pulled up a chair beside me and began cleaning his shotgun 7nice to "no$ I $asn't the only
bu)"ill around8. 2ot sure ho$ much time $ent on before he suddenly spo"e, -'o $hat's bothering
you, >ay+.
I jumped a little $ith the random :uestion. -1uh+ '9a"es you thin" something's $rong+.
-,ou been sitting there totally focused on the cash $ithout saying a $ord. 1aven't had more
than a sip outta that drin", and you've loo"ed bac" over those boo"s about five times no$..
%od damn mind)reading gorilla)man. -It's nothing.. I lied.
It's true, I still had my mind rapped around $hat >ason had as"ed me earlier that day. -*ver our
head.. The $ords "ept repeating in my head, especially $ith the several thousands of dollars I $as
counting up in front of me. We could supply the demand, that $asn't my concern. It $as the fact $e
$ere supplying such a big demand. 9ore money meant more problems. #orget about $or"ing $ith
mister Triad0,a"ua0$hatever the fuc" crime syndicate might use an oriental dragon tattooed man $ith
the alias -3arlos.. Was I ma"ing the right calls here+
I don't "no$ if >ac" heard all the inner)monologue, but he smiled, got up, and padded me on the
shoulder saying, -I'm sure you'll ma"e the right choices, brother..
I'm not gonna lie, I shivered just a little bit. =efocusing myself on business, I turned to jac" and
said, -3ome on, there's that meeting $ith 3arlos. Don't $anna "eep the customer $aiting..
We $ent to his truc" and left. 9an, had I of "no$n ho$ that $ee"end $ould go, I'd of never
gotten into my cousin's car.
We got to the meeting location after dar". The 3ardinal 3ountry Bar. It $as the perfect hang)out
for teenagers $ith fa"e I.D.s, drun"s $ho didn't $anna be told they had too much, and drug dealers li"e
me and 3arlos. The place had a bac"door that $ent to an alley, no cameras, no bouncers, and an o$ner
$ith a record as long as a porn starEs... $ell, you get the idea.
I sat in the truc" for a moment, loo"ing at the establishment, trying to thin" of $hat might
happen inside. 3arlos said he'd have a man meet me in the bac", $here I'd be searched. 1e specifically
$anted me coming to this meeting unarmed, and $anted to ma"e sure I did just that. =aised a fe$ red
flags in my head $hen he told me. '3ourse, I $as never $ithout a bac")up plan, $hich brings us to the
reason >ac" $as ta"ing me to this meeting. Any noises from the alley,and he'd be there as fast an angry
silver)bac" could. Any noise from the bar... and he'd probably drive his truc" into it, "no$ing him.
(ither $ay, I $as definitely gonna get some pay)bac". All that matters, right+...
9y %od, I really need to $or" on the things I prioritie.
I got out and headed to the alley. 2obody jumped me on the $ay in, so there $as at least one
good sign. I $al"ed in and, sure enough, 3arlos had arranged for a $arm $elcome. I $as greeted by a
bald, $hite giant $earing a %oti, sports jac"et, and probably a gun 7so many criminals need to learn to
not be clichF, eh+8. 1e as"ed me to ta"e off my jac"et, stic" my arms out, get padded do$n, the usual.
After the fris"ing, I $as cleared to go on in.
I found 3arlos sitting alone $ith a bottle and t$o glasses. 1e $as dressed a bit more casual than
before, jeans and a short)sleeve button)up. 1e himself loo"ed fairly clichF, I gotta be honest. 1e had
his eyes on a fe$ probably)teenage girls drin"ing in the corner, $ith a grin that $as a bit too creepy.
2ote to self5 add -pedophilia. to the list of Dragon's crimes.
1e turned from them to greet me $ith a probably)false smile. ->ayG 2ice of you to ma"e it.
Please, sit, have a drin" $ith me. It's been a damn fine $ee", hasn't it+.
I pulled up a chair, un$illing to be :uite so friendly. -3ash has been good. 9ind if I as" $hat
this is about+.
-3ome on, bro. 2o reason $e can't sit do$n for a nice bottle of $his"ey, maybe find ourselves
some entertainment for tonight.. 1e gave a nod to the girls at the bar and smiled.
3hrist, I'm not sure $hat $as harder. Beeping from pu"ing or $iping off that perverted grin
$ith the chair I $as in. 2o, no fighting, >oshua. There $as money to be made. -I don't go to a stranger's
house unarmed.. I replied blan"ly.
1e turned bac" to me, the smile vanishing. -Ah. 'uit yourself. The deliveries you've made have
been suitable, but I $as hoping to maybe double my order for the $ee" after ne!t..
'hit, ho$ many drugs this bastard need+ -Won't be a problem.. I replied confidently. We had
the connections to recruit ne$ gro$ers, if needed. 3ould al$ays enlist some help from the Panthers, if
needed, also. 9y only $orry $as the repercussions for such a big order. 9oving that much $eight
doesn't go unnoticed, $hether it's the la$ or the other side of it.
3arlos smiled and nodded, and motioned his bodyguard to come over. 1e handed 3arlos a
stuffed envelope, $hich $as slid over to me. -A nice little personal re$ard for such a professional job,
9r. >ay..
I loo"ed do$n at it, and couldn't help but feel the temptation. It could've had forty grand stuffed
in it. I purposely reduced my cut from any activities to prevent :uestioning of the fact I didn't live in
3olumbus and $asn't around nonstop. People might get bitter ta"ing orders from a -selfish boss $ho
$as barely around.. 2obody "ne$ about this here envelope though. I could just ta"e it, here and no$...
I slid the envelope bac" over to 3arlos. -That $on't be necessary. ,ou pay us on a per)delivery
basis, not in advance or after$ard. We already decided all of those details, so let's leave it at that, shall
$e+.
It $asn't about the nobility of the action, don't mista"e me. I didn't $ant 3arlos to thin" I $as in
his poc"et, or give him something to blac"mail me $ith. Paranoid, yeah, but that paranoia "ept me
alive and a criminal $ithout a record for t$o years then, I $asn't about to do anything different. I've
had much more tempting offers I've turned do$n before for similar reasons.
3arlos certainly $asn't thrilled. #or a moment, the mas" bro"e, and I sa$ a child)li"e anger at
the fact I refused him. I sa$ the need for everyone to bo$ do$n and "iss his feet, or he got pissed. A
spoiled, immature, child)li"e need. The "ind of thing princes had, not "ings.
>ust li"e that, it $as gone. The mas" $as bac" on, and 3arlos smiled, got up, and said, -I loo"
for$ard to our ne!t meeting.. And left $ith his cash and bodyguard. >ust li"e that, I $as left alone $ith
my drin" my and thoughts.
I had figured something important out, there. 3arlos acted very differently from the first time I
met him. /ess "ingpin, more young criminal. 1e $asn't the "ind of person $ho $ould run $hatever
sort of organiation $as buying our drugs. 'omeone told him ho$ to act for that first meeting. 3arlos
$as ta"ing orders from someone.
*n one hand, that meant I had something to be relieved about. It meant I didn't half to be :uite
so careful around him. 1e didn't decide $hat happened or if our relationship $as no longer -secure.&
he $as a lac"ey, and it $as someone else $ho decided $hat happened. Which brought us to e!actly
$hat I $as $orried about. 3arlos $asn't in charge, he $as just a good loo"ing front)man for the real
boss to stay behind. Which left just one :uestion5
Who $as I cra$ling into bed $ith+
I shoo" my head and do$ned the glass in front of me. 2o reason to $aste time on thoughts li"e
that unless I had an idea of $hat I $as going to do to find out. Besides, I probably didn't $ant to "no$
the ans$er, any$ay.
I $ent out the same $ay I came in)Dnderage people $ere supposed to stay a$ay from the front.
/ess of a chance of the o$ner being caught not caring about his customers' obviously fa"e I.D.s. I
stepped out into the cold night and inhaled the smell of the $inter night alley$ay. It $as a vile mi! of
pollution, trash, and old urine. The entire city smelled pretty vile to me, though. Irony at its finest.
I started $al"ing to$ards the street, my pace slo$ed by the very thoughts I'd hoped to leave in
the bottom of that glass. 3arlos $as $or"ing for someone $ith the resources for multiple armed thugs,
at least one of $hich $as too old for it to be your typical $anna)be gang of *hio. (very one of them
$as nicely dressed, albeit in a ghetto sort of $ay. 3arlos had the con)s"ills to be a higher up, but $as
clearly ta"ing orders from someone. Also, $hoever they $ere, they clearly already had resources and
cash at their disposal. Why $ere they dealing $ith us+ Better yet, $hy $ere they trying to enlist me+
Were they hoping to start dealing in the 3olumbus area and $anted a local friend+ Was this an under)
cover bust of some "ind+ Was it any other $ild guess lac"ing any sort of proof my imagination could
coo" up+
9y attention $as redirected by a noise behind me. It sounded li"e an old can being "ic"ed.
What caught my attention $as ho$ close and directly behind me it $as. People "no$ not to snea" up
on someone in the middle of an alley in this to$n. What $as this jo"er thin"ing+
Turns out that can saved my life.
I $as greeted by an unremar"able loo"ing blac" man around my height.. 1e had his ja$
clenched in focus or anger, but his eyes hinted at a little cocain usage, but nothing major. 1is "nees
$ere bent and he had his left arm out and coc"ed as he $al"ed, li"e the soldiers snea"ing around in the
movies do 7loo"ing bac", it ma"ers me $ant to laugh8. 9y attention $as immediately dra$n to the ice)
pic"0a$l clenched in his raised right hand, the "ind of things used to "ill a man in those old mafia
movies.
Dpon my noticing of him, he left out a curse and charged me. I don't "no$ ho$ I reacted in
time, but I instinctively loc"ed both my hands onto his right $rist. 1e put his left hand behind his right
and tried to direct the pic" to$ards my gut as he pushed me to$ards the $all. I $as a big guy, but I $as
off)balanced and "ne$ he'd either stic" me or put me to the ground if I just resisted, so I instead move
my left hand to his, and just pushed do$n and to his left $ith my arms and $al"ed bac" to$ards the
$all. I'm sure some military man is gonna point out a hundred better things I could have done, but I
$as young and a little too caught up for a better strategy.
The pic" missed my gut, but instead hit the inside of my right thigh about H inches or so do$n
from my manhood. I let out a scream, because 7obviously8 it really hurt. 1e got his right hand and free
and grabbed my nec", pushing me up against the $all. Than"fully, I enjoyed studying many different
martial arts and such in my free time and "ne$ something about the $ea"ness of people's fingers. It
also helps he $as no$here near buff or large)handed enough to seriously cho"e my thic" nec" $ith one
hand. I grabbed onto his ring finger and bent it at an e!traordinarily uncomfortable angle. 1e yelped
$ith the pain, and I had an opening to brace against the $all and "ic" him a$ay from me.
1e stumbled bac" but, thin"ing he had the advantage because of my $ound, came bac" at me
$ith his hands raised. I turned and met him at an angle, and redirected his momentum past me,
slamming him head)first into the $all. 1e lost his senses $ith the blo$, but the jolt $as too much for
my leg and I $ent do$n to the floor $ith him, albeit $ith the advantage. I started raining blo$s on his
head, but a punch to the outside of my right thigh gave him the opening to roll me onto my bac". 1e
moved to be loo"ing do$n at me, but his face $as met by a giant, steel)toed boot before he could
decide $hat to do ne!t.
The blo$ $as strong enough to send him flying off me, unconscious. >ac" loo"ed at the limp
form, $atching for any signs of movement. I, ho$ever, $as not so heroic, and the adrenaline, pain, and
utter shoc" at $hat just happened got to me. I began scrambling bac"$ard, screaming -#uc"G #uc"G
#uc"G. At the top of my lungs. =eality is no$here near as bad)ass as the movies, my friend.
>ac" :uic"ly moved to my side and covered my mouth $ith his arm and snapped, -IuietG
,ou're alright, he's done. 3alm do$n. /et me get a loo" at your leg.. After a moment, I calmed do$n
enough to stop screaming and allo$ed him to loo" at my leg.
1e loo"ed closely for a fe$ seconds before spea"ing. -Doesn't loo" li"e it hit the artery, and it's
not a blade, so less to $orry about. 'hould have Taylor loo" at it, just in case though. Wait here and
don't try to get up. 9eantime, ta"e this..
1e handed me a .4H and ran to his truc" before I could protest. 1e came bac" $ith his duffel
bag and offered me a bottle of ?icodin. I do$ned a fe$ very eagerly, damn any alcohol I may have had.
When I loo"ed bac" at him, >ac" had his eyes fi!ed on my attac"er's motionless body. -We need to
"no$ $hy he $ent after you.. 1e proceeded to pull a roll of duct tape out of his bag 7the man's
prepared for anything, I s$ear8. 1e $rapped up the guy's hands, feet, and mouth nice and tight before
helping me and our ne$ friend into the truc".
I $ish I could say I $as doing something productive on the ride bac" to the fort. I $ish I could
say I $as trying to asses my injuries, thin"ing up reasons for the man to attac" me, $ho might of
ordered an amateur hit on me, thin"ing about the ?alentine's Day I'd be spending alone ne!t $ee",
anything. But I $as too damn out of my mind to thin". I $as sha"ing, hyperventilating, had tears in my
eyes... hell, I barely managed to not piss myself. 'omebody had just tried to "ill me. 2o other goal $as
there, they $ere simply trying to end my life.
That $as probably the only haard in my job I hadn't e!perienced up until that night.
>ac" drove to the #ort $ell above the speed limit. Probably didn't even ta"e us five minutes to
ma"e $hat $as a fifteen minute drive to the 3ardinal. Dpon arrival, he did his best to gingerly help me
out of the car and into -clinic..
The #ort's clinic $as the finest e!ample of an improvised trauma unit I'd ever seen, mostly
because it $as the only e!ample of an improvised trauma unit I'd ever seen. It had a hospital bed $ith
the pillo$s by the right $all 7don't be impressed, I got it off Amaon8, $ith a sin" and some cupboards
opposite. The bed had some restraints added so anyone $ho $as in it $ould be completely immobile, if
necessary.
The cupboards $ere filled $ith various bandages, disinfectants, suturing tools, syringes,
stethoscopes, gloves, scalpels, and other conventional medical e:uipment. We did actually have an
A.(.D. in there some$here. There $as a single loc"ed cabinet containing $hat fe$ legit medicines $e
could ac:uire, $hich $as some pain "illers and a fe$ antibiotics. 9ostly, I planned to rely on gags and
handcuffs for anything parallel to surgery. 1ey, I did say -improvised.. 3riminals don't e!actly have
the best health care 7ma"e a note of that, children. ,ou do 2*T $ant to be a criminal8.
Than"fully though, $here the facilities left off, our Doctor Taylor pic"ed up. Taylor $as a near)
prodigy destined to be one hell of a doctor $hen there $as an incident in 9ed)school for him. I never
learned all the specifics, but I "ne$ the short version5 he $as about to become a doctor $hen he got
scre$ed over and, buried in debt, started loo"ing for any means to pay the bills. 1e could have ended
up $or"ing for any sort of unscrupulous characters& instead, I $as luc"y enough to find him first. I
payed off his debt, $hich he had a lot of, and never once regretted the investment. 1e $as a good man
$ho I felt I could trust, albeit a total jac" ass $hen it came to his bedside manner.
Taylor arrived at the #ort and $as in the room before >ac" had finished strapping me in. 1e
loo"ed li"e shit, but didn't smell of booe or pot, $hich $as at least one upside. 1e loo"ed at my leg,
told me it didn't hit the artery and $ould just need a patch)up... after he pulled the ice)pic" out. >ac"
shoved a rag into my mouth to :uiet me, and I braced for the inevitable torture.
-Alright. >ac", holds his shoulders do$n. *"ay, $e'll do it on the count of three. *ne).. 'aid
Taylor, before immediately removing the ice)pic". 9y scream $as muffled into the rag, than"fully)
couldn't have the boss loo"ing li"e a bitch. Taylor patched me up, cleaned the clinic bac" to a
disinfected state, and advised me not to run any marathons anytime soon. 1e departed promptly $hen
the job $as done, not $anting to hear any conversation or e!planation in regards to $hat happened.
>ason arrived about the time it $as all finished. 1e had been out of to$n, ta"ing Isabella out to
some small)to$n restaurant 7I still o$e him an apology for ruining his night8. >ac" and I filled him in
on $hat happened and about our guest still $aiting in the bac" of >ac"'s truc".
-#uc"ing shit. Are you o"ay, bro+. 1e as"ed me. Interesting, ho$ people can as" the stupidest
of :uestions during life's harsher moments. *f coarse I $asn't -o"ay., some mother fuc"er just tried to
end meG
-,ou got a pen+. I as"ed. Dpon receiving one, I grabbed some paper in the room and :uic"ly
$rote do$n a nice little shopping list. ->ason, call Peter and Issac, tell them to head to the Ice)Bo!.
>ac", you ta"e our guest there.. I proceeded to stand and hobble out of the clinic, pushing past the help
I $as offered. I $al"ed into the lobby and found one of our boys there. -,ouG I $ant everything on this
list, and I $anted it yesterday. I don't care ho$..
The "id jumped out of his chair, alarmed by the tone and volume of my voice. 1e too" the list,
glanced at it, and got a very confused loo" on his face. -1o$). 1e began.
I interrupted him before he could finish by grabbing his collar and pulling him up to me. -Don't
fuc"ing :uestion me, just get it doneG. I spat at him, and hurled him to$ards the door. 1e stumbled,
stuttered an affirmative, and hurried to his car.
I turned to a surprised >ac" and >ason and bar"ed -Don't you have something to do+. They
loo"ed at me for a moment before proceeding to do as I had as"ed. Dnder any other circumstances, I'd
never tal" to them li"e that, nor $ould they of stood for it. 1o$ever, these circumstances $ere
anything but normal. Drastic times, and all that.
I $ent up to my room and poured a glass of $his"ey, sha"ing violently the $hole time. I pic"ed
up the glass, loo"ed at it for a moment, and thre$ it into the $all, shattering it. I opened the bottle and
too" a large gulp before doing the same to it. I proceeded to smash some tables, flip des", and trash the
room, ending $ith smashing my mirror and a very loud scream. ,ou get a metric fuc")ton of adrenaline
in you and manage to not do something along the same lines, then you can judge me.
I sat on the bed, still sha"ing madly. I couldn't believe it. 'omeone tried to "ill me. It $as a
direct attempt on my life, no other motive or goal. I mean, I had my life at ris" before and been in
fights, but it $as al$ays on e:ual footing and $ith a different goal, li"e the other guy defending
himself or $anting something I had. It had never been the other guy $anting me dead.
'lo$ly, the pain and fear got replaced by creeping, burning rage. I $as angry. 'omeone tried to
"ill me. 'ome bastard thought he had $hat it too" to end >oshua >ay (d$ard Whitman. It $as a fuc"ing
amateur, too, ta"ing pages out of old military and mafia movies. 3ouldn't fuc"ing believe it.
I fed that rage. It burned a$ay the fear, and the pain let me focus it. I had the bastard. All I
needed to do $as find out the ans$ers to all my :uestions. 1e $ould tell me. 1e couldn't resist $hat I
$as planning.
The Ice)Bo! use to be some sort of hunting cabin or something in the middle of no$here. I'm
sure there $as some sort of really cool history to the place, but I can't say I ever tried to learn it. It
seemed li"e your typical large cabin, e!cept for t$o anomalies5 it had a strange, single)roomed -attic.
rising out of the roof, appearing similar to a to$er and providing a very good vie$ of the surroundings,
and one very large freeer. *ne of the rooms $as fully metal and refrigerated, $ith a temperature
setting you could set to be cold enough to chill or $ell belo$ freeing.
I $as loo"ing for nice, secluded, middle)of)no$here places $hen I stumbled across it. The
place screamed -panic room. to me, and its no)contract, cash)accepting rent plan made me fall in love.
We referred to it as the -Ice)Bo!. because of the meat)loc"er, but I never e!pected I'd end up using it,
until no$.
I had all the items on my list but one, $hich $as being ac:uired no$. That $as fine, I could
start $ithout it. A metal tub, a couple gallons of $ater, several pounds of salt, t$o bags of ice,
handcuffs, and a folding chair. (verything I $anted for my chat $ith my ne$ friend.
Peter and Issac $ere there because they $ere e!actly $ho I $anted for this job. Peter did t$o
years in jail for armed robbery, and Issac $as in and out of >uvie his $hole adolescent life. They $ere
loyal to the tribe, but $eren't totally on)board $ith the $hole -noble criminal. idea, more interested in
the money and loyal friends. 2ormally, I $as on the fence about them, but they $ere the only t$o I
trusted $ould have the stomach for this. >ac" had already left $hen I got there& I don't thin" he $anted
to see $hat I had to do.
I did my best to appear as threatening as I could. Dressed in all blac", a single nec")chain, Ba)
Bar and a .4<C on my belt... I dressed real nice for our guest, I'd say. We :uadruple cuffed his hands to
the chair, and cuffed his legs to it as $ell 7yada)yada, paranoid, e!cessive, I "no$8. Peter and Isaac
stood on each side of him, and I drun" in the scene for a moment before I removed the hood from his
head. Well, I say -hood. $hen it $as really just a really thic" pillo$)case I bought $ay bac" for shits
and giggles.
*ur friend loo"ed around for a moment, drin"ing in his surroundings. The room $as totally
bear, save for a folding chair and table across from him. 1e loo"ed at me, the men at his sides, then
fi!ed his ja$ and attempted to stare me do$n. *bviously, it didn't really $or"
-9y leg's fine, than"s for as"ing.. I said sourly. -I can already guess there's no $ay you're
gonna tell me your real name, so I'm gonna call you 9r. 'mith. 2o$, let me ma"e this perfectly clear..
I opened a brief case on the table, and $ithdre$ its contents. -This is ten)thousand dollars, cash. With it
$ill come a plain)tic"et to a city in America of your choice, and the promise this entire incident $ill be
thro$n to the $ind. All I need in return is the reason you decided to, $ell, try to "ill me. That's a very
generous offer, 'mith..
-'mith. loo"ed at the money for a moment, before turning his gae to the floor and mumbling,
-I li"ed your coat..
*h, fuc" me. 2ot only did I have a prideful idiot $ho didn't $anna rat, but he thought he $as
$itty, to. -That tattoo on your arm's prison in", 'mith. 9y friend there has that sorta in" himself, ho$ I
could recognie. 2o$, your attempt earlier $as too damn sad for you to of been in for something nice.
What they catch you on, 'mith+.
1e didn't ans$er. -2ot feeling li"e tal"ing, 'mith+ Alright, $hy don't $e tal" about something
I'm sure you do li"e. ,ou're the "ind of guy $ho li"es movies, right+ Where you got the dumb idea of
using an Ice)Pic" I'm sure. 'ee, I li"e movies myself, but it can annoy me $hen they say stuff
obviously fa"e. /i"e $hat they al$ays say about torture.. 1is face suddenly turned $hite.
-They al$ays spe$ that crap about it being 'unreliable' and everything. 'ee, that's only half true.
,ou can't use torture $hen you're not certain your man "no$s $hat your as"ing.. I gave Issac and
Peter their cue, and they departed. -If you "no$ for certain your target has the information you $ant,
torture's perfectly viable..
'mith studied my smile for a moment, before barely managing to force a nervous laugh. -,eah,
sure "id. ,ou gonna electrocute me no$+ Bring it.. #uc"ing mid)lifers underestimating my age. I get so
sic" of it sometimes.
-'ee, allo$ me to inform of something else the movies could do better.. Peter and Issac
returned $ith the metal tub, $hich $as full of Iced salt $ater that had been in the freeer. -They never
discuss the techni:ue behind the perfect $ater)boarding. The temperature of the $ater's very important.
If you ma"e it cold enough, the shoc" of sudden immersion $ill prevent someone form holding their
breath. It ma"es the dro$ning all the more effective, not to mention the obvious cold complications..
-9ore than that, science plays a roll in it.. I ran my through the $ater, $hich $as bone)
chillingly cold. -Water that's totally full of salt actually has a much lo$er freeing point than fresh
$ater. It freees around negative ten degrees, if memory serves me. Which means this $ater can get
much colder than it other$ise $ould, ma"ing it absolutely perfect for $hat I'm planning..
It $as just then there $as a "noc" on the door. I as"ed 'mith to pardon the intrusion, and
ans$ered it. 9y man had arrived $ith the last of my shopping. It $as a densely insulated cooler, $ith
three pairs of e!tremely thic" gloves. I put them on the table, and returned my attention to 'mith, $ho
remar"ably e!celled at maintaining his composure, in all honestly
-'o, I'm gonna as" you, 9r. 'mith5 Why did you try to "ill me+.
1e starred at me, his ja$ t$itching, and eyes screaming defiance. As much as I hated him, I had
to applaud his conviction. 'mith learned more than poor assassination techni:ues from his movies,
apparently. I pic"ed up a stop)$atch, and $aved my hand at Issac and Peter.
They $ere by no means $ea" men. They hoisted the entire chair, and dun"ed 'mith's head into
the $ater. I could almost hear his scream as he met the belo$)freeing $ater. 1e $riggled and fought
the restraints in an attempt to escape, but $as met $ith nothing but the freeing $ater. I $aited until
thirty seconds $as up, then told them to bring him bac" up.
1e came out of the $ater sputtering, coughing, and $himpering. It $as painful for my
fingertips to be in it for a second, thirty $ould do the average man in easily. I as"ed Issac to direct him,
and he grabbed his head and pointed his gae at me. I loo"ed him in the eyes, and coldly demanded,
-Why did you try to "ill me+.
1e coughed hard and long before violently sha"ing his head. #urious, I pic"ed up a raor and
gave him a rather deep gash on each chee". I informed him bro"en s"in hurts $orse in freeing
temperatures, and signaled Issac and Peter. This time, I $aited until a minute passed. 1e came up
$orse than before, and I repeated my :uestion.
1e had a terrible coughing fit before managing to, bet$een coughs and gasps for air, get out, -I
$as hired to. #ifteen grand in advance, fifteen after..
'omebody promised this sorry e!cuse for a convict thirty grand to fail at "illing me+ 9an, I
need to chec" on that reputation of mine. Also, $ho the hell pays someone in advance for murder+
-Tell me his name. Describe them to me..
-I can't, They said they'd "ill me if I said anything. 'omething $asn't right about them, man..
I loo"ed at 'mith, surprised he $as still un$illing to divulge everything. -,ou tal" li"e I'm
supposed to be sane.. I $ent over to the table and began putting on a pair of gloves.
-What, $hat no$+.
-Well, 9r. 'mith, I no$ have something special for you.. I removed the cooler's top, and a
$hite gas began to spill out from it. -I have here some dry)ice for your face bath. This here's solid
carbon, and it's negative a hundred degrees cold, give or ta"e a fe$.. I pic"ed up a large chun" $ith a
pair of tongs. 2o$, I'll as" one last time. %ive me a god damn nameG.
1e loo"ed at me, the fear practically resonating from him. -/oo" man, I can't).
I dropped the chun" into the tub. %as rapidly rose out of it and the tub began bubbling. I
handed Issac and Peter gloves of their o$n, and advised they be careful not to not let their hands touch
the $ater. 'mith screamed and shouted, I simply ignored him. -Boy, five seconds in this, there $on't be
any face left for your mother to identify.. I motioned Peter and Issac.
They had 'mith raised up and ready to be dun"ed before he shouted -I'll tal"G I'll tal"G. At the
top of his lungs. They put him bac" do$n, and I loo"ed at him $ith e!pecting eyes. -/oo", she never
gave me a name, o"ay..
-'he+.
-,eah, a $oman. ,oung, blac" hair, not fat, not too thin, smo"ing hot, nice rac", had a
3alifornia accent. 'he gave me the details, fifteen %.s, and a photo. I burned the photo before I $ent
after you..
-'he "ne$ I'd be at the 3ardinal 3ountry 3lub+.
-,eah, she didn't tell me ho$ or anything, though..
#uc". -1o$ $ere you gonna reach out to her $hen you finished+.
-I $asn't. 'he said she'd contact me. 'he promised there'd be no bac")lash from the cops, and I
could do $hatever I $anted $hen it $as done. 'he'd find me, and give me the money, and she'd "ill me
if I tried to scre$ her over in any $ay..
Double #uc". -2one of this raised any red flags $ith you+.
-Damn right it did, but $hat $as I gonna do+ The $ay she tal"ed and acted, it scared the shit
outta me and made me hard at the same time. I couldn't just say no..
Triple fuc" $ith shit syrup on top. I pondered $hat he said for a moment, and decided it
sounded li"e the truth. I pic"ed up the $ad of cash, and handed it to Issac. -I $ant you t$o to
accompany our friend to the air)port, see he gets there in one piece, and hand him the money $hen he
does.. I turned to 'mith. -If I $ere you, I'd choose some$here on the other side of the continent, a$ay
from any big cities. 9aybe Washington or Alas"a..
1e loo"ed at me, shoc" in his eyes. -I need to go to my place).
-2o, they've probably got someone there $aiting for you. 'traight to the airport, straight out of
the state. Do not stop for anything, do not come bac" here, do not pass %o, do not collect t$o)hundred
dollars..
1e loo"ed up at me for a moment, disbelief radiating from him. -Than" you. 9y %od, than").
I then pic"ed up the same ice)pic" he gave me and stabbed it into his right hand. 1e let out a
scream, but it $asn't even remotely lethal. I told Issac to stop at the Doc's on the $ay to the airport, to
not forget the gag and blindfold, and to not breathe a $ord of $hat he heard that morning. They let him
out of the chair, blinded and gagged him, and escorted him out the cabin.
I stood there, gaing into the tub of $ater, $hen the door opened up. 9y man there began
saying, -1ey boss, >ason's here and he $ants to). before he $as cut off by my cousin pushing past him
and ordering him to leave and close the door.
9y cousin glared at me $ith a mi! of anger and disapproval. -Was it really necessary to stab
the poor bastard+. 1e gro$led.
I snapped my eyes to his. -I didn't $ant to, but he needed to have the fear of god put into him to
ma"e sure he never came here to get "illed by the bitch $ho hired him tying up loose ends. There also
needed to be a message to Issac and Peter. They needed to see me get revenge on that bastard..
I filled him in on the entire conversation. ->esus.. 1e breathed. -,ou thin" 3arlos had
something to do $ith this+.
I thought for a moment before ans$ering. -2o, he tried to buy me $ith several grand. Why
bribe someone you arranged to have "illed+.
>ason stared at me $ith blan", total surprise on his face. -1e $hat+.
-Would you fuc"en stay focused+ I refused it. The problem is $e have a ne$ enemy, and no
fuc"ing clue $ho they are or $hat they $ant us gone for. They don't li"e 3arlos, either, considering
they tried to frame him. 3learly, they've got some people close to him, too. Best to leave all of his
people out of the loop..
>ason stood there, absorbing all that he $as hearing. -#uc" me.. 1e said. -When it rains).
-If you brea" out a clichF on me no$, brother, I $ill brea" your fuc"ing nose..
We both laughed. It $as a good laugh that $e both needed :uite badly. I hadn't slept at all and
$as totally $rec"ed after my adrenal surge, and he didn't appear to be much better off. 'adly, I had the
feeling things $ere no$here near done pouring on us.
-All this, "inda reminds you of old times, doesn't it+. 1e said.
I fro$ned as painful memories flooded my mind. -I really hope the ending's not as bad this
time..
-,eah.. 1e responded. ->oshua, if things start getting... bad again, $ill $e be able to stay right+
I don't $anna go bac" to the $ay I $as man..
9y cousin never used my real name. 1e's the one $ho came up $ith ->ay.. I turned to him and
could feel the fear. 1e had far $orse things then just his meth addiction in his past, and I $as one of the
fe$ left alive $ho $as around during those times. I still $as "ept up at night by the things we did in
that time...
-I s$ear to you here and no$, I $ill do $hatever it ta"es to "eep you, Isabella, and our the tribe
alive and right, $hatever comes and $hatever it costs me..
1e loo"ed at and nodded. 1e $al"ed up and offered me his hand. -All of us. We'll all get
through this, and $e'll all stay right..
I loo"ed at him, clasped his hand, and immediately felt guilt for the lie I $as telling him. As
hard as >ason's life $as 7as harder it $as than mine8, he had three things that made him $ant to live5
1is love, Isabella& his hope that things could, someho$, get better for him& and his faith that he could
still be saved. /ove, hope, faith...
Three things I didn't have. Three things I didn't understand ho$ to feel. Three things I never
e!pected to get.
We cleaned up the Ice)Bo! and removed the possibility of any evidence as to $hat happened.
The sun $as rising $hen $e finished, and headed bac" to the fort. >ason said he'd call a po$$o$
tomorro$ and tell everyone $hat they could "no$. 1e insisted I just get my rest and recharge, $hich I
couldn't really argue $ith.
I got to the door of my room and recalled my little -episode. earlier. #uc", guess there goes the
idea of me getting some rest for tomorro$. Dreading the idea of spending the god)hours of the morning
cleaning, I opened the door to $hat I e!pected to be a total shit)hole.
Instead, I $al"ed into a perfectly clean room, $ith replaced furniture, mirror, a ne$ mini)bar,
and ne$ bed)sheets and blan"ets. The room smelled of a fresh cleaning, and recently)burned vanilla
candles, my favorite. 'itting on the bed $as a $oman a little older than me, $earing under$ear and one
of my T)shirts... >essica had nothing else on other than that, it seemed.
->ac" called me shortly after leaving the Ice)Bo!.. 'he said, her voice tired, and only more
sensual because of it.
I immediately felt a stabbing pain in my chest. -I didn't $ant to $orry you. >ess, I'm).
'he interrupted me before I could say that damn $ord I repeat too much, -*ne of the princesses
told me she heard a bunch of noise coming from your room.. 'he stood and faced me. -I cleaned up.
Wanted to ma"e sure it'd be perfect for you $hen you got bac". Wanted to ma"e sure I'd be here $hen
you did..
#uc" me. I am a terrible man $ith a soft heart, and I fuc"ing hate it. -,ou didn't half to..
'he loo"ed at me for a moment before saying, -Bull shit, I didn't.. And she embraced me in a
$arm hug that helped ease a$ay all the $orry, fear, anger, and hate I'd felt that entire day. We stood
there for a moment before she $al"ed me to the bed, and sat us do$n on the edge. 'he sat on my left
thigh, careful not to put any $eight on my injury. 'he started massaging my shoulders and breathing
into my ear, gently and steadily. -I "no$ $hat that feeling you had $hen you did this is li"e.. 'he
$hispered into my ear. -There are better $ays to let it out. I can sho$ you..
2o matter ho$ tense my shoulders al$ays $ere, her massages al$ays helped ta"e some of the
aching stress a$ay. After a day li"e this, I could use something to just melt all the stress and pain a$ay.
(verything about myself that I $as afraid of $ould be let go $ith her. =ight there, right then, in that
room, in that bed, I could let her in. I could brea" do$n the $alls and not be afraid. I could feel so
much better. I could feel /)o)lo)ve....
-I need some rest. #eels li"e I've been a che$)toy for a =ott$eiler.. I barely managed to say.
'he stopped the breathing, but continued the massage for a moment. Then, she gave me a tender
"iss on the chee", got up, and $al"ed to$ard the door. -I'm glad you're *"ay.. 'he said as she $al"
a$ay. 'he opened the door and stopped. I $as $orried $hat she'd do $hen she turned to me, smiled,
and said -=emember, I'm al$ays here.. 'he closed the door and $al"ed to her room, just across from
mine.
I sat there on the bed, starring after the $oman I just pushed a$ay again, before laying bac" in
defeat. I found myself cursing a certain body)part of mine that seemed to have a mind of its o$n& a
mind utterly incapable of registering $hen a fuc"ing moment $as over. That thought didn't last long
before the painful ones arrived, sadly.
Why+ What $as my reason+ Was I $orried I didn't care for >essica+ Did I thin" she didn't truly
care for me+ Was I afraid of $hat I $anted most)of love+ Did I not "no$ ho$ to brea" do$n the $alls
I had maintained my entire life+ Was I afraid she $ouldn't care for the real me+ 1ell, $ho the fuc" is
the real me+
'o many :uestions, so many different possible ans$ers. All of them had just one thing in
common& one thing that tied them all together. All of them $ere, far $orse than the hole in my leg, the
cause of so much...
Pain.