Louder Than Words

Take Your Career from Average t o Except ional wit h t he Hidden Power of Nonverbal
Int elligence

Joe Navarro
with Toni Sciarra Poynter

To my wife, Thryt h
J.N.
For Dad
T.S.P.
Contents

Int roduct ion

Part 1
The Fundament als of Nonverbal Int elligence

1 Influence at Your Fingert ips
2 The Comfort /Discomfort Paradigm: The Foundat ion of Nonverbal Int elligence
3 How t he Body Talks

Part 2
Applied Nonverbal Int elligence

4 The Power of Your Behavior
5 The Power of How You Look
6 Curbside Appeal: Managing How Your Organizat ion Is Perceived
7 Sit uat ional Nonverbals: Best Pract ices for Best Result s
8 Emot ional Nonverbals
9 What About Decept ion?

Aft erword
Acknowledgment s
Bibliography
Searchable Terms
About t he Aut hors
Ot her Books by Joe Navarro
Credit s
Copyright
About t he Publisher
INTRODUCTION
IMAGINE KNOWING what ot hers are t hinking, feeling, or int ending. Imagine being able t o
powerfully persuade and influence ot hers. Imagine ident ifying, wit hout being t old, point s of
concern and cont ent ion. Imagine being able t o enhance how ot hers perceive you, conveying
confidence, aut horit y, and empat hy.
What were really t alking about here is t he capacit y t o t ruly underst and people. In
business, when confidence, empat hy, and t he abilit y t o know what ot hers are t hinking are
combined, you gain a superlat ive edge.
Fort unat ely, we are all innat ely equipped wit h ext raordinary yet seldom used powers of
discernment and influence, as well as t he pot ent ial t o achieve great t hings. This book will
reveal how t o t ap t his element al apt it ude t hat is available t o everyone, but employed by few:
t he silent yet forceful power of nonverbal intelligence.
The world is const ant ly communicat ing nonverbally. Our body movement s, our facial
expressions, how we speak, how we show our emot ions, how we dress, t he possessions we
favor, our conscious and unconscious behaviors and at t it udeseven our environment sare
all communicat ing nonverbally.
Nonverbal int elligence allows us t o int erpret and employ t his universal language wit h
fluency and int ent . To use a t went y-first -cent ury analogy, nonverbal int elligence is like a
comput er program: it has t remendous capacit y, yet most of us use only a few of it s
applicat ions, not realizing t here are many ot her valuable feat ures t hat can assist us in
communicat ing more effect ively and in achieving our goals. In addit ion, like any soft ware,
nonverbal int elligence needs t o be act ivat ed, implement ed, upgraded occasionally, and refined
wit h use. In t his book, Ill show you how t o access t he full dept h and power of nonverbals t o
enhance your business skills as well as your personal life.
THE NONVERBALS OF SUCCESS
Weve all encount ered unproduct ive, frust rat ing, or infuriat ing business sit uat ions. We know
how t hey make us feel. What s less obvious is t he degree t o which poor nonverbals
cont ribut ed t o t he problem: t he way a handshake is given or received, how a new client is
greet ed, t he speed of a persons speech, an arrogant demeanor, even t he navigabilit y of a
companys Web sit e. In t his book, youll learn how t hin slice assessment s of nonverbalsvery
rapid assessment s or impressionscan support or undermine your business effort s. Youll also
learn how t o use t hese assessment s t o glean ext remely accurat e informat ion about ot hers:
how cooperat ive people will be, how int olerant or flexible t hey are, and whet her t hey deserve
your at t ent ion.
Youll learn how t o use nonverbals t o est ablish yourself in an organizat ion and place
yourself in t he lineup for t he next promot ion. Every day, we have opport unit ies t o score posit ive
or negat ive point s. You will be able t o read client s, colleagues, and bosses, and discern when
t imes are good and when t rouble is brewing. Youll discover how t o use nonverbals t o lead
ot hers and creat e an environment of success t hat at t ract s t he best and t he bright est . Youll
mast er t he secret s of managing peoples percept ions of you t o ensure cont inued success in
your present job and when you t ransit ion t o anot her ent erprise. You will even learn t he
nonverbals of how organizat ions are perceived, and how t o send t he right messages t o t he
public.
HOW I LEARNED ABOUT NONVERBALS
My awareness of nonverbals began in childhood, when my family arrived in t he Unit ed St at es
from Cuba. I was eight years old and knew no English. I was plunged int o daily life, at t ending
school, t rying t o make friends, t rying t o figure t hings out in a new count ry. The only way I could
comprehend my world was t o wat ch peoples faces and bodies for clues about what t hey were
t hinking or feeling.
My survival response t urned int o a lifelong st udy and a professional calling. I learned in t he
FBI t o quickly and assuredly assess t he meaning of human behavior so t hat appropriat e act ion
at t imes, lifesaving act ioncould be t aken. Moreover, my assessment needed t o be
scient ifically based so t hat it could st and up t o judicial scrut iny. This is what I want t o t each
you.
THE TRUE SCOPE OF NONVERBALS
Nonverbals are much more t han t he st ereot ypical crossed arms means youre t ense; looking
t o t he left means youre lying. As youll discover, not only are bot h examples incorrect , but t hey
also reflect a limit ed view of t he scope of nonverbals.
In every area of life, from childhood t o dat ing t o business, were bombarded by images,
emblems, symbols, act s, and behaviors t hat t ransmit ideas, t hought s, messages, and emot ions
nonverbally. We also use t hese t act ics t o draw at t ent ion t o ourselves, t o highlight what we feel
is import ant , t o magnify t he impact of our words, and t o express what words cannot .
Even verbal communicat ion has a nonverbal component : t he t one, manner, cadence,
volume, and durat ion of speech are just as import ant as what is said, as are t he nonverbals of
pauses and silence.
In business, t he set t ing where a meet ing or a speech t akes place, t he curbside appeal of a
buildingit s archit ect ure, art work, ornament s, and light ingare all part of t he nonverbal
communicat ion process. Colors, t oo, ent er int o nonverbal communicat ions, as do seemingly
insignificant part iculars such as t he locat ion of t he recept ionist s desk, and whet her a securit y
guard sit s or st ands. All of t hese communicat e somet hing t o t he public.
On a personal level, we know t hat our movement s, our facial expressions, and our clot hes
send messages about us, but we also send powerful nonverbal signals by how were groomed,
whet her we have body piercings or t at t oos, and how (and even where) we st and, sit , and lean.
All of t hese det ermine how were perceived and what we communicat e t o ot hers about our
feelings, t hought s, and int ent ions.
Even a det ail as simple as carrying a backpack inst ead of a briefcase may speak volumes,
in t he same way t hat t he look of our business cards communicat es somet hing about us.
The colors we choose for PowerPoint present at ions; t he speed and appearance of our
Web sit e; t he (official or unofficial) company dress code and whet her you have casual Fridays
whet her you wear a lapel pin; what your desk looks like; even what t ime you arrive each day
all of t hese nonverbals are const ant ly communicat ing about you and your business.
Int angible qualit ies such as your at t it ude, preparat ion, humilit y, presence, and managerial
st yle are also nonverbals. They have profound impact , part icularly if you are in a leadership
posit ion.
You need only look at leaders of indust ry and polit ics t o see t he mast ery of nonverbal
communicat ion. When we praise t heir confidence, charisma, empat hy, vision, and leadership,
were oft en t alking about nonverbals. Our best businesses, t oo, get t he nonverbals right : when
we t alk about image, branding, halo effect , st ickiness, t ract ion, service, responsiveness, and
influence, we are oft en t alking about nonverbals.
TRANSFORMING THE AVERAGE INTO THE EXCEPTIONAL
I have observed, st udied, and learnedwit h cont inued awet he power of nonverbals t o
convey quint essent ial t rut hs about ourselves. I have wit nessed sit uat ions in which good
people were undermined because t hey missed nonverbal signals t hat would have ensured
t heir success, well-being, or safet y. In my job as an FBI agent and as a supervisor, a large act or
in small event s, and a very small act or in large event s, I saw many such dramas of life and
deat h, behaviors t hat acquit t ed or incarcerat ed, and act ions t hat led t o failure or t o
ext raordinary success. Undert aking t his st udy not in a lab, not in an experiment , but in t he
high-st akes arena of real life allowed me t o analyze and cat alogue human behavior engaged
for good and for evil, for failure and for success, for mediocrit y and for great ness.
Upon my ret irement from t he FBI, I found myself amazed anew by t he ubiquit ous presence
of nonverbals and by t heir paradoxes. Nonverbals are hidden in plain sight . They magnify our
words and deeds in ways t hat are incalculable, yet almost indefinable. They are universal t o
humankind, yet t heir influence is rarely not iced. They are underst ood by all, yet act ively
pract iced by a very few of t he most successful among us. They achieve t angible vict ories
t hrough int angible means. They are as subt le as t he flicker of an eyelid, but t hey can t ransform
relat ionships, for nonverbals speak louder t han words.
When properly used, nonverbals are t he refining element t hat can draw our act ions, words,
t hought s, and aspirat ions int o a unified whole and bring ot hers int o our circle and in league
wit h one anot her. They fost er t rust , comfort , product ivit y, and respect . They unit e rat her t han
divide; bond rat her t han alienat e; elicit t he best from each for t he benefit of all. That is why
nonverbal int elligence is t he ult imat e requirement for business success.
PART I

THE FUNDAMENTALS OF NONVERBAL INTELLIGENCE

1

INFLUENCE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS
YOUVE ARRANGED meet ings wit h t wo financial advisors in order t o choose one t o invest
your hard-earned savings. At t he first office building, t he shrubs lining t he ent rance need
t rimming and t here are fingerprint s on t he revolving doors.
At t he securit y desk, a guard pushes t he guest book t oward you. You know t he drill: You
sign in, volunt eer your ID, wait as t he call is made upst airs, and t hen t he guard point s you
t oward t he elevat ors.
Upst airs, t he recept ionist is handling a busy swit chboard. In bet ween calls, you quickly
st at e your name and business. She gest ures you t o a chair, where you choose a magazine
from t he collect ion on t he coffee t able.
You wait t en minut es and are just about t o ask t he recept ionist if you could use t he
rest room when your prospect ive advisor st rides in. His rolled-up sleeves and loosened t ie signal
his hect ic morning. Aft er quickly shaking your hand, he leads t he way t o his office.
In his office, t he phone is ringing. He grabs it as he mot ions you t o a chair. You sit down
and t ry not t o eavesdrop on t he one-sided conversat ion. Finally he hangs up, and your meet ing
begins.
You proceed t o your second meet ing. The buildings windows are spot less. The paint job
is fresh. The landscaping is crisp.
At t he securit y desk, youre pleased t o be informed t hat you are expect ed: your name is
on a list of guest s. A quick show of your ID, and youre in t he elevat or.
The recept ionist is on t he phone as you approach. She complet es t he call, hangs up, looks
at you, and says, Good morning. How may I help you?
You st at e your name and business. She asks you t o be seat ed while she let s t he
consult ant know youve arrived. You sit down and peruse one of t he company brochures
displayed on t he coffee t able.
In less t han five minut es, your cont act comes out , but t oning his suit jacket as he
approaches. He greet s you wit h a warm smile and a firm handshake, and you walk t oget her
down t he hall t o his office.
In his office, t here is a choice of chairs, and your companion invit es you t o sit where youd
be most comfort able. Youre surprised t o not ice t hat your favorit e soft drink await s you. Then
you remember: you received a phone call confirming t he meet ing and asking what youd like t o
drink. You bot h quickly set t le in and begin t o t alk.
By now Im sure t he answer t o t his quest ion is obvious: Ot her variables being roughly
equal, t o whom will you ent rust your money?
What might not be so obvious is t hat almost every influent ial element in t hese scenarios is
nonverbal:

The appearance of t he premises
The efficiency and court esy of t he securit y st aff
Whet her you are spoken t o or gest ured at
Whet her you receive t he full at t ent ion (t ime, eye gaze, and greet ing) of t he
recept ionist
The t ype of reading mat erial you are offered
How long you wait
The care your cont act has t aken wit h his appearance
Your cont act s approach and handshake
Walking side by side versus being led
Demonst rat ed concern for your comfort (seat ing, offering of food)
Your import ance compared t o t he import ance of t he t elephone
Perhaps you consider t hese t hings superficial or mat t ers of appearance. But recall t he last
t ime you decided t o discont inue doing business wit h someone. Oft en it s t he accumulat ion of
small, corrosive det ailsunret urned calls, unanswered e-mails, habit ual lat eness, t he
uncomfort able feeling t hat t he person dealing wit h us is rushed, is disorganized, or has ot her
client s more import ant t han ust hat erodes t he goodwill and t rust on which all commerce is
based, ending what began as a posit ive relat ionship. Frequent ly we arent consciously aware of
how unrewarding a relat ionship has becomeunt il it s t ime t o renew t he cont ract , t he prices
go up, a compet it or calls wit h an at t ract ive pit ch, or a careless or cost ly error becomes t he
final st raw.
THIN SLICE ASSESSMENTSSNAP DECISIONS WITH SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES
We humans are born wit h big, busy brains t hat love t o learn. Sport ing a st unning lack of
physical defenses (no shell, no claws, no beak, no wings, no fangs, no speed), we have had t o
depend for our survival on our ment al agilit y: our abilit y t o quickly size up sit uat ions, t ake
decisive act ion based on our impressions, learn from everyt hing t hat happens, and remember
what weve learned. We walk around wit h our radar always swit ched on. The world is
const ant ly speaking t o us t hrough our senses, sending a cont inuous st ream of impressions,
and we are const ant ly assessing what t hose impressions mean.
Many impressions we receive and assess consciously: We spot someone we find
at t ract ive and move closer for anot her look. We smell freshly baked chocolat e chip cookies and
want t o sample t hem. We hear our boss say our name and go t o find out what she want s.
Ot hers we receive and assess wit hout conscious t hought : We see an oncoming car and leap
out of harms way. We edge away when someone st ands t oo close. We avoid t hose whose
behavior or appearance seems out side t he norm. In short , we are const ant ly making decisions
based on an ast onishingly small amount of informat ionand we do so in an ast onishingly
short t ime. This is what is meant by t he t erm t hin slice assessment .
Thin slice work began t o be verified in t he 1990s, in st udies showing t hat we make very
accurat e assessment s about peoples personalit ies very quickly, oft en aft er viewing a
phot ograph for just a few seconds or less. It t urns out t hat a great deal of our decision making
from t he friends we choose t o how we invest our moneyis based on t he const ant
prompt ings of our residual subconscious awareness. This awareness is omnipresent ,
bypassing logic, operat ing beneat h not ice, yet dominat ing our percept ions. Thin slice
assessment s give us remarkable insight s int o ot hers, how we feel about t hem, t heir
t rust wort hiness, and t heir feelings about us. Most of t he dat a on which we base t hese
millisecond, make-or-break evaluat ions are nonverbal.
NONVERBALS: HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT
My aim in writ ing t his book is t o provide t he missing pieceand perhaps t he most accessible of
allt o t he success equat ion: our abilit y, lit erally at our fingert ips, t o influence ot hers in t he
workplace, int erpret ot hers nonverbal signals, and gain inst ant insight int o t heir act ions and
agendas.
MAKING THE RIGHT MOVES: NONVERBALS OF THE BODY
Nonverbals comprise a vast array of movement s and gest ures as minut e as an eyelid flut t er
and as majest ic as t he sweep of a ballerinas arm, from t he way we t ilt our heads t o where we
point our feet and everyt hing in bet ween. Popular misconcept ions abound about t he meaning
of specific body nonverbals, and t he pract ice of reading ot hers can degenerat e int o somet hing
akin t o a parlor t rick. In t he chapt ers t hat follow, youll learn how nonverbal assessment is
conduct ed by professionals, as I performed it in my FBI work, and you will come away wit h an
impressive breadt h of knowledge about how t o read t he body as it speaks eloquent ly in
business meet ings and in your daily life. You will also learn how body language is just one part
of nonverbal communicat ion.
MORE THAN SKIN-DEEP: NONVERBALS OF OUR APPEARANCE
It s int erest ing how we profess t o dismiss mat t ers of appearance, considering how obsessively
we focus on looks (keeping up wit h fashion; buying ant i-aging product s; worrying about looking
fat ; gossiping about whos had work done; reading about t he best -and worst -dressed, and so
on). Our seemingly paradoxical fixat ion makes sense, t hough, when you underst and
appearance as a form of nonverbal communicat ion. Our brains visual cort ex, t he processing
cent er for what we see, is huge; clearly it evolved as a cent ral component of our brain for good
reasons: survival and aest het ics. We not ice not only t he unkempt fellow st anding t oo close t o
our car but also t he at t ract ive woman behind t he perfume count er. We are const ant ly
observing how ot her people look, and we make decisions about who we want t o affiliat e wit h
based on what we seet o such a degree t hat when t he t abloids and celebrit y magazines
t out t he lat est fashions, many seek immediat ely t o mirror t he new look.
Our predilect ion for aest het ics and beaut y is act ually hardwired in us. Every cult ure has an
appreciat ion for beaut y, healt h, yout h, aest het ics, and symmet ry t hat can be explained only as
an evolut ionary necessit y. Even babies, we now know from research, have an appreciat ion for
beaut y. Beaut iful symmet rical faces make babies smile, and t heir pupils dilat e in a
subconscious effort t o t ake in more of what t hey like (not unlike t he first t ime I saw Ann-
Margret at t he Deauville Beach Resort in Miami Beach when I was t hirt eenshe t ook my
breat h away, and I am confident my pupils were fully dilat ed).
We also appreciat e t he commanding impact of sheer physical presence. That s why club
bouncers are large, imposing figures. We have a biological affinit y for height , which explains
why our leaders t end t o be t aller t han t he average populat ion.
The profit aspect of appearances has also been well st udied and is referred t o as t he
beaut y dividend. Economist s find t hat people who are good looking t end t o earn more
money, as t hey t end t o get hired and promot ed more frequent ly. But t he researchers also
found t hat t he companies benefit ed, t oo, as t he presence of a good-looking workforce
generat ed more revenue. The beaut y dividend is somet hing t hat advert isers have known for a
very long t ime, which is why you see such beaut iful faces associat ed wit h t he most successful
beaut y product s or just about anyt hing advert ised.
Our focus on appearances may not be fair, but it s human, and if you want t o become a
nonverbal mast er, you must at t end t o appearancesyours and ot herssomet hing we will be
t alking about in chapt er 5 as we explore managing our appearance.
PETER THE GREAT, FASHION MAVEN?
Pet er t he Great , czar of Russia from 1682 t o 1725, during his mult iyear Great
Embassy t our of t he West , realized t hat Russia was backward in bot h cust oms and
t hinking. He int uit ed t hat in order t o change how t he Russians saw t hemselves vis--
vis t he West , he had t o change his people inside and out . He began wit h his boyars (a
t erm for Russian nobilit y), who would set t he example for t he rest . He required t hat
t he men shave t heir long beards and short en t heir long hair (pict ure a Greek
Ort hodox priest t o get an idea of t he Russian cost ume of t he t ime). He also
demanded t hat t hey exchange t heir long cloaks for more West ern clot hes, such as
pant s. Having worked in t he dockyards of West ern Europe, he knew t hat pant s were
more funct ional, and he want ed Russians t o be as innovat ive and product ive as t heir
West ern count erpart s. Just in case anyone didnt get it , a model of t he ideal at t ire,
known as t he German look, was post ed on Moscows cit y gat es, and anyone failing
t o meet t he new dress code was fined. Soon, it was t oo expensive not t o follow t he
czars dict um. Resist ance, even among his elit es, was met wit h a visit t o t he prison
and a shave. They got t he hint .
Thus, Pet er t he Great began t o change his people by first changing t heir at t ire
and t heir looks. When Russians began t o see t hemselves different ly, t hey began t o
t hink different ly. Wit hin five years, visit ors from Europe were ast onished t o see how
much t he Russians had changed not just in t heir at t ire, but also in t heir t hinking. This
was what Pet er t he Great needed t o begin his quest for West ern influence and
respect for Russia. He knew t hat t he West had t wo great symbols of power: great
navies and great cit ies. Building on his peoples new t hinking, he pursued bot h
feverishly. He built a great navy (t oday, t he second largest in t he world) and moved
t he capit al from Moscow t o St . Pet ersburg. This cit y served as t he cent er of
government and cult ure for 200 years. In one generat ion, Russia went from obscurit y
t o being a player on t he global st age, a t est ament t o Czar Pyot r Alexeyevich
Romanovs forward t hinking and recognit ion t hat in order t o achieve great t hings, you
must t hink different ly, and t o do t hat , you must change how people see t hemselves
quit e lit erally.

HEAR WHAT IM SAYING? THE NONVERBALS OF SPEECH
How we speak can also change how were perceived and how effect ively we communicat e.
You may not have t hought about how t he spoken word relat es t o nonverbal communicat ion,
but t here is a correlat ion. It has t o do not so much wit h what we say, but wit h how we say it .
Speech is made up of words but also of charact erist ics (paralinguist ics) such as our at t it ude,
inflect ion, volume, speed, cadence, emphasis, hesit at ions, pausesand even when we speak
and when we are silent .
A loudmout h and a fast t alker st and out negat ively not because of what t hey say but how
t hey say it . Conversely, we appreciat e t he reassuring qualit y of t he considerat e and
deliberat ive t alker, but feel impat ient wit h someone who t alks t oo slowly. These are just a few
examples of t he nonverbals of speech, but as youll discover, t here are ot her aspect s of
communicat ion beyond words t hat can enhance or pot ent iat e communicat ions.
WHAT THE COUNTRY LAWYER KNEW
Quick, who was Edward Everet t ? Dont feel bad if you dont know. He was a past
president of Harvard Universit y, U.S. envoy ext raordinary and minist er plenipot ent iary
t o Brit ain, and one of t he most eminent American orat ors. Three years before he died,
he was asked t o give t he most import ant speech of his life, at a most import ant and
solemn occasion. The purpose of t his event was t o pay t ribut e t o an episode of
profound suffering and sacrifice t hat had no equal in our nat ions hist ory, and t o place
it in t he cont ext of t he t errible and epic st ruggle in which cit izens were at t hat t ime
engaged. Edward Everet t spoke for just over t wo hours (2:08, t o be exact ) t o an
audience t hat had been gat hering for days. His speech, by all account s, met every
expect at ion of t his gift ed orat or. Unfort unat ely, as wit h his name, no one remembers
one iot a, not one sound bit e, from t hat speech.
When Everet t was done, t he next speaker was int roduced, and his remarks we
do remember. He spoke for just under t hree minut es and reduced t he most complex
of subject s, and t he sacrifice of t housands, t o just 272 wordsa mere t en brief
sent ences. He spoke so briefly t hat t he phot ographers present could not ready t heir
equipment in t ime; so we have no pict orial record of his speech. But his words live and
resonat e wit h us. He began wit h t he most improbable of openings, which forced his
audience t o t hink: Four score and seven years ago
Those 272 words, not t he previous t wo hours wort h, are t he ones t hat capt ured
t he moment . Lincolns Get t ysburg Address at t he dedicat ion of t he Soldiers Nat ional
Cemet ery is known t hroughout t he world for it s simplicit y and it s exquisit e abilit y t o
communicat e t he great price paid by so many for t he concept of a unified democracy.
His speech was singularly brilliant , made so by a sharp mind legally t rained t o influence
juries, or in t his case, his at t ent ive list eners and a t roubled nat ion. Lincoln well
underst ood t hat more is not always bet t er; t hat people appreciat e simplicit y and t hat
brevit y can int ensify a message which will be long et ched our minds.

THE NONVERBALS OF LISTENING
Two essent ial fact ors in underst anding your audience are empat hy and being an act ive
list ener. The Chinese charact er for list ening is act ually rat her complex; it cont ains t he
charact ers for ear, eyes, heart , and undivided at t ent ion. Theres a huge difference
bet ween list ening and list ening empat het ically.
Think of someone in whom you feel comfort able confiding. He or she is probably an
empat het ic list ener. The research is well est ablished t hat physicians are less likely t o be sued if
t hey engage in demonst rat ed empat het ic list ening and comfort ing displays (for example,
t ouching). St ockbrokers who can list en empat het ically t o t heir client s are less likely t o be
harangued when an invest ment t anks or a bull market t urns bear. The manager who can list en
empat het ically t o an employee who has personal or work issues can enhance t hat employees
loyalt y simply by list ening, even if t here is not hing he can do t o help t he sit uat ion.
REPEAT AFTER ME
Hand in hand wit h act ive list ening is verbal mirroring, based on t he work of renowned
psychologist and aut hor Carl Rogers (19021987). Verbal mirroring is a simple yet remarkably
powerful t herapeut ic t echnique t o quickly est ablish a connect ion wit h someone. I found it
ext remely valuable in t he FBI t o est ablish empat het ic channels of communicat ion.
Rogers believed in anchoring any inquiry around t he psyche of t he person in quest ion,
t hereby building a more effect ive t herapeut ic relat ionship. He achieved t his simply by list ening
t o what his pat ient s said and t hen using t hat informat ion, precisely as st at ed, t o respond t o
t he pat ient . If his pat ient said my home, Rogers would mirror t he pat ient by also using t he
word home, not house. If t he pat ient said my child, Rogers, t oo, would say child, not kid,
not daught er. Verbal mirroring is a powerful t ool in professions where est ablishing rapport is
key, such as medicine, psychology, sales, finance, and governance.
Unfort unat ely, most people are linguist ically self-cent ered and use t heir own language t o
anchor a conversat ion. In order t o be maximally effect ive, you must use t he ot her persons
language; in doing so, you mirror what is in t heir minds and what is linguist icallyeven
psychologicallycomfort ing. You are at once in synchrony.
Im in my fift ies, and when I was growing up, we had problems, not issues. When
someone asks, Do you have any issues wit h t his? t hat does not resonat e wit h me as well as
Do you have any problems wit h t his? To me, issues has lit t le t ract ion, and I suspect it is t he
same for many of my generat ion and earlier.
This inabilit y t o mirror language preferences is somet hing I frequent ly encount er in my
seminars wit h businesspeople who assume t heir client s underst and or use t he same t erms of
art as t hey. Not necessarily so. You must list en carefully. If t he client says, How many bucks
will t his cost ? dont answer by t alking about price point s. If you do, youll be t alking, but not
communicat ing effect ively, and cert ainly not communicat ing empat het ically. If a client says hes
scared about t he economy, let him know you underst and hes scared dont reply, I can see
you are concerned. He isnt concerned, hes scared! When you use ot hers words (t hat is,
ot her-cent ered rat her t han self-cent ered) you are saying t hat you empat hize fully. The ot her
person subconsciously feels underst ood at a deeper level and t ends t o be more responsive.
I learned about t he import ance of est ablishing a common language early in my career
when I had t o deal wit h a federal fugit ive. When I arrest ed him just out side of Kingman, Arizona,
he began t o t alk t o me about his life. As we drove t o t he nearest magist rat e, I used all t he
t erms he used: awkward, embarrassed, worried, a good Christ ian. I t old him I underst ood
how embarrassed he was and t hat it was awkward t o be arrest ed and t hat he was worried
about what his mot her might t hink because he was a good Christian. As a result , he grew t o
t rust me in t he short span of a car ride t o Phoenix. He revealed t hings t o me t hat previous
invest igat ors had missed, including ot her vict ims. These confessions t ook place not because I
was clever, but because I underst ood t he power of verbal mirroring.
So list en t o your client s, pat ient s, employees, and business associat es for t he t erms t hey
use, and use t hem t o your advant age. Obviously, you can also do t his wit h loved ones. As you
will see, youll be perceived as being a more empat het ic and bet t er list ener.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO: THE NONVERBALS OF BEHAVIOR
Think about your workplace. Whose office is a mess? Who habit ually arrives lat e? Who wast es
t ime in meet ings? Who is perpet ually working his smart phone while ot hers are speaking? Who
never get s back t o you? Who is lazy, always making excuses for not doing his or her work?
Who are t he habit ual socializers (what one frust rat ed and overworked employee confided t o
me are oxygen t hieves)?
Ill bet you know just who t hese people are. So does everyone else you work wit hexcept
for t hese people t hemselves. Theyre oblivious t o t he negat ive effect s t heir act ions are having
on t heir image. They may be skilled in many ot her ways, but t here are ot her equally skilled
people in t odays supercompet it ive employment pool who can keep t heir offices neat , who get
t o work on t ime, who prepare for meet ings, who respect t heir colleagues, and who work hard
for t heir salary. Theres a correlat ion bet ween et iquet t e and good nonverbals in t hat bot h deal
wit h t he behaviors t hat make people comfort able and facilit at e posit ive out comes. Neat ness,
punct ualit y, preparat ion, at t ent iveness, and hard work are a just few of t he many nonverbals of
behavior t hat make unforget t able impressions in business set t ings.
Bot t om line: people not ice and form opinions of you based on your behavior. And in a work
set t ing, t hey not ice everyt hing: what t ime you arrive, how many cigaret t e breaks you t ake, how
much t ime you spend on t he phone t alking t o friends, how oft en you t ake sick days, t he qualit y
of your work, whet her you kiss up t o t he boss, and whet her you are a whiner or a hard worker.
If you t hink ot hers dont not ice, you are in deep denial. All of your negat ive act ions leave a deep
residual impression t hat will work against you and your employer.
Not only do people wit hin t he organizat ion not ice how you behave, but out siders will also
not e how you and your st aff behave. For example, hospit als and healt h care facilit ies are now
mandat ed t o survey t heir pat ient s upon release (known as t he Hospit al Consumer
Assessment of Healt hcare Providers and Syst ems). Out of t went y-one quest ions, fully t wo-
t hirds deal wit h nonverbal communicat ions, such as: Was t he doct or at t ent ive? Did t he st aff
list en t o your request s? Did care providers respond quickly? And so on. Ill explain in lat er
chapt ers how you can dist inguish yourself and your business from t he pack by learning t he
nonverbal behaviors t hat put people at ease and showcase you at your best . Self-
present at ion is now key; especially wit h t he primacy of t he Int ernet . It was slight ly serious when
college professors began t o be rat ed online; now companies can be devast at ed by bloggers
post ings deriding poor service. The power of poor rat ings t o undermine sales is one reason
Amazon.com fight s so vigorously t o give good service.
THE WORLD OUTSIDE YOUR DOORSTEP: ENVIRONMENTAL NONVERBALS
Why do we choose one bank over anot her, when t he prime lending rat e is t he same for all?
Our select ion is based on services offered, of course, but also on fact ors such as curbside
appeal, advert ising, percept ions, and how we are t reat edall of which are nonverbals. The
most successful businesses underst and t he silent influence of aest het ics, from t he design of
t he lobby t o t he furnishings of t he CEOs office. A st unning eight een variant s of whit e paint are
used on t he facade of Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, and t he building is const ant ly being
scrubbed and repaint ed. Why? Because t hat curbside appeal assures a high occupancy rat e;
aft er all, t here is no short age of hot els in Vegas.
Not only does environment al appearance affect profit s, but it even affect s whet her we
behave well or poorly. Research has recent ly proven t he broken windows t heory: t hat t he
disorderly appearance of an area increases t he incidence of crime and ant isocial behavior in
t hat area. Aft er spray paint ing and abandoning propert y in an ot herwise good area,
researchers found a significant increase in propert y-relat ed crimes. The bot t om line, somet hing
all police officers know: When people act as if t hey dont care, t hen criminals assume t hat it s
okay t o act out ant isocially.
When you begin t o view your workplace t hrough t he nonverbal lens, as well do in chapt ers
6 and 7, you will gain many insight s about t he effect s of element s bot h small and large t hat
influence t he workplace.
INTANGIBLES ARE EVERYTHING: THE NONVERBALS OF CHARACTER
Humilit y, dignit y, confidence, arrogance, surliness, t imidit y: Many people dont realize t hat t he
int angibles we associat e wit h charact er are oft en most powerfully expressed nonverbally.
What s t he first impression t hat comes t o mind when you t hink of Mahat ma Gandhi? It is an
imagea nonverbalof him garbed in a simple loinclot h. This slight man, by exercising
rest raint , passive civil resist ance, and humilit y, overcame Brit ish rule. No blue suit , no power t ies,
no privat e jet s, no limos, no ent ourage.
I t ell young businesspeople t hat if t hey want t o be effect ive, t ry being more humble.
Arrogance can ruin a business reput at ion. I have yet t o meet anyone who likes someone who
is pompous and arrogant . Narcissism garners no sympat hy, as former New York St at e
Governor Eliot Spit zer found aft er he got caught up in a prost it ut ion ring; people t urned on him
mercilessly because of his hist ory of arrogance.
I BEG YOUR PARDON
The nat ion is current ly knee deep in a recession t riggered by t he mort gage loan crisis
of 2008. One of t he side effect s is t he U.S. car indust ry being brought t o t he brink of
bankrupt cy. The chairmen of t he Big ThreeFord, General Mot ors, and Chrysler
went t o Washingt on, D.C., t o plead t heir case before Congress for $25 billion in
t axpayer assist ance. Wit h millions of employees livelihoods hanging in t he balance,
t hey chose t o t ravel t o t he nat ions capit al on t heir company jet s. Their nonverbal
blunder earned t hem t he scorn of Congress, t he president , t he unions, t he press, and
t he average American worker. Theres a delicious irony, said one congressman, in
seeing privat e luxury jet s flying int o Washingt on, D.C., and people coming off of t hem
wit h t in cups in t heir hands. That was gent le compared t o what ot her senat ors said.
It was incomprehensible t hat ot herwise int elligent , well-educat ed individuals could
fumble so deeply and visibly.
As t he rest of t he nat ion was bracing for t he worst economic downt urn since t he
Great Depression, t hese men appeared t o have no idea what t hese nonverbals would
communicat e. Not only did t hey arrive wit hout a plan (t hey just want ed working
capit al), but t hey arrived wit h such an at t it ude t hat t hey found no friends in
Washingt on or among t he American public. Here was a percept ion management
fiasco of billion-dollar proport ions t hat will be st udied for years t o come as a what not
t o do case in business classes across America.

THE HIGHER THE STAKES, THE MORE NONVERBALS MATTER
During t he president ial campaign of 2008, I was asked t o appear several t imes on The Early
Show (CBS) t o analyze t he candidat es nonverbals at t heir nat ional convent ion speeches and
at t he debat es. What st ruck me most st rongly was t his: Aft er all t he rallies, st ump speeches,
ad campaigns, and debat es are over, no one really remembers what t he candidat es said. But
we do remember who looked poised, who looked experienced, who winked like a college
cheerleader, who looked compet ent , who looked president ial. Most ly we remember t he
nonverbals. Every four years, we are reminded of t he power of nonverbal communicat ions, as
t hose who compet e t o become our chief execut ive will be remembered in part for what t hey
say, but most ly for how t hey perform on t he nat ional st age, as a t est of how t hey will perform
on t he world st age.

NONVERBALS REACH far and wide int o our lives. Your nonverbals form an aggregat e
impression of what you represent. Those who recognize t his will have access t o a powerful
level of influence t hat ot hers do not . Trust , comfort , cooperat ion, affinit y, product ivit y, and
influence are all vit ally dependent on nonverbals. To neglect t heir power is t o court mediocrit y
or worse, failure. In t he next chapt er, youll learn just how deeply root ed are our needs for
comfort and t rust , driving our behavior in every cont ext imaginable.
2

THE COMFORT/DISCOMFORT PARADIGM: THE
FOUNDATION OF NONVERBAL INTELLIGENCE
I CARRY a collect ion of phot ographs on my t ravels t o remind me of t hose I hold dear. One of
my favorit es is a phot o of my daught er and me when she was fourt een mont hs old. She is
nest led in my arms, over my heart . Our heads are almost t ouching, and we are bot h drowsy
and cont ent ed.
In cont rast , consider what we saw during t he fright ening weeks of t he bank crisis and t he
near collapse of t he global economy in t he fall of 2008. Cameras t rained on t he t rading floor of
t he New York St ock Exchange provided a visual t ext book of t he nonverbals of fear and
anguish displayed in real t ime: eyes t ight ly closed or t he ent ire face blocked wit h t he hands t o
ward off t he appalling figures cascading across comput er screens; arms prot ect ively hugging
t he body; vulnerable lips t urned inward and mout hs cont ort ed int o t he upside-down U of
ext reme dist ress; hands seeking t o soot he by st roking t he mout h and chin; palms clasped as if
in prayer; nails being bit t en; cheeks puffed out as air was forcefully expelled t o relieve t ension.
These are t he very images of discomfort .
Comfort and discomfort pleasure and pain. This dyad comprises t he essent ial polarit y of
life. We are at all t imes experiencing one or t he ot her, and our bodies react wit h a st ream of
chemical responses t hat govern our moods and shape our behaviors. The comfort /discomfort
response is innat e in all of us and is fundament al t o our survival. Because our brains are
elegant ly hardwired t o react t his way, observing t his dynamic in ot hers can be a useful way of
gauging what t hey are t hinking, feeling, or int ending.
HOW I DEVELOPED THE COMFORT/DISCOMFORT PARADIGM FOR NONVERBALS
I developed t his paradigm for nonverbals aft er reading hundreds of books and art icles and
t rying t o det ermine t he simplest way t o t each FBI agent s what I knew about assessing
nonverbal behavior. The mat erial I st udied was fascinat ing, but it was also pedant ic. The
subject was divided int o cat egories such as feelings, complement ing, regulat ing,
ambiguous, and accent ing behaviors. And because nonverbal communicat ion reaches
across so many disciplines (biology, neurology, sociology, psychology, ant hropology), put t ing
t he informat ion t oget her for pract it ioners like me was quit e difficult . While t his was how I had
learned about nonverbal communicat ion, it was not how I want ed t o t each it , nor apply it in t he
real world of count erint elligence.
In addit ion t o drawing on t he exist ing academic research (most ly st udies done on
st udent s in universit y set t ings), I t ook it upon myself t o draw on t he ample opport unit ies
afforded me in t he FBI and t est t he research where it mat t ered most : sit t ing opposit e a spy or
a t errorist . Moreover, t he urgency of my work in nat ional securit y mat t ers compelled me t o
become ext remely efficient at nonverbal analysis. There were t oo many cases t o solve and no
t ime or money t o wast e on analysis paralysis. Spies and criminals act in real t ime; t heres no
t ime t o deliberat e, no commercial breaks, no t ime-out s, and no rewind; consequent ly, we had t o
come up wit h a way t o accurat ely and quickly analyze behavior so t hat appropriat e act ion
could be t aken.
In sum, t he process had t o be st reamlined, t o be t aught quickly t o bot h count erint elligence
officers and law enforcement personnel; pract ical, t o be put t o immediat e use; yet rigorous
enough t o st and up t o bot h scient ific and judicial scrut iny. I found t hat my st udent s were quick
t o grasp t he simplicit y of t he comfort /discomfort paradigm, which has now been t aught t o
t housands of st udent s around t he globe.
Very simply, it works like t his: when you observe a behavior, ask yourself, Does it
represent comfort or discomfort ? This quest ion is easy t o comprehend. If I were t o ment ion
court ship behaviors, you might t hink of holding hands and gazing int o t he ot her persons eyes,
closeness, t ouching, walking in st ep (known as body echoing or isopraxis, from t he Greek iso,
meaning same, and praxis, meaning behavior), t ilt ed heads, genuine smiles, and so on.
In cont rast , what do we see in someone who feels defensive, as would be t he case wit h
people t rying t o cover t heir criminal act ions or guilt y knowledge? We would see t he opposit e
behaviors: dist ancing act ions such as leaning away or wit hdrawing t he hands and feet ; st iff
post ure and movement s; compressed, unsmiling lips; furt ive looking about ; and rest lessness or
t ension.
I began t o t each nonverbals in t his way, finding t hat once we anchor observat ions around
t his paradigm (comfort /discomfort ), behaviors become more t ransparent . In many respect s, our
react ions t o t he world around us really are very binary, in t he same way t hat our brain is binary
when it comes t o prot ect ing our survival.
The sudden appearance of a snake poised t o st rike or a snarling Doberman, for example,
must be processed inst ant ly: it s eit her a t hreat or it s not . The brain conduct s no lengt hy
deliberat ion, which frees us t o respond inst ant ly. From an evolut ionary st andpoint , t here was
no benefit for us as a species t o ponder t hreat s at lengt h. So we developed a very effect ive
means of det ermining whet her somet hing t hreat ened us or caused us discomfort . Our react ion
is no different in t he t went y-first cent ury t han it was 20,000 years ago, even for lesser t hings: if
we walk int o a room t hat s t oo hot , we react immediat ely, just as we do if someone st ands t oo
close t o us. Our negat ive react ion is inst ant aneous and absolut ely accurat e in reflect ing our
inner st at e. How we feel (comfort or discomfort ) is reflect ed, moment by moment , in our
behaviors: we will have a big smile or our shoulders will slump.
To help my st udent s, and t o furt her validat e t his paradigm, I began t o keep a list of words
and phrases t hat nat urally fall wit hin t he domains of comfort and discomfort (you will probably
immediat ely come up wit h a few on your own). It s ast onishing t o see how many of our
emot ions and behaviors fit wit hin t hese t wo cat egories. Below is a small sampling:

SIGNS OF COMFORT: SIGNS OF DISCOMFORT

calmness: anxiet y
confidence: apprehension
clear t hinking: clouded t hinking
closeness: dist ancing
enjoyment : cont rariness
fluid speech: speech error
friendliness: unfriendliness
happiness: depression
openness: occlusion
t ouching: wit hdrawal
joy: anger
pat ience: impat ience
peacefulness: nervousness
calm: fear
recept iveness: obduracy
relaxat ion: t ension
respect : indifference
securit y: insecurit y
t enderness: st ernness
t rust : doubt
t rut hfulness: lies
warmt h: coldness
responsiveness: hesit at ion
poise: rant ing

Alt hough not exhaust ive by any means, t his select ion provides insight int o how many of our
behaviors, at t it udes, and emot ions fall int o t hese t wo cat egories.
IN THE BEGINNING
From t he day were born, we are t ransmit t ing informat ion about how we feel. We are eit her fed
(comfort able) or hungry (uncomfort able); wet or dry; cont ent or irrit able. Lat er in life, we are in a
const ant st at e of flux bet ween comfort and discomfort : we are eit her nervous or secure,
confident or bewildered, or any one of an almost limit less variet y of shadings on t he
comfort /discomfort scale. Think about it you know when youve had a good day: when t here
is t he absence of discomfort .
Comfort encompasses t ouching, t rust , proximit y, and underst anding. How wonderful t hese
qualit ies are for relat ionships. What comes under discomfort ? Things like dist ance,
defensiveness, resist ance, and concealment . These are not good for family, for business, or in
any kind of set t ing.
This cycling bet ween comfort and discomfort begins t he minut e we wake up. We get out
of bed and our back hurt s or it feels fine; t he shower is t oo hot or t oo cold; we can find our
sandals or t hey have disappeared; t he coffee is t oo st rong or it s just right ; and on and on. At
t he office, eit her t he document is perfect or t he t hird paragraph needs t o be changed; eit her
it s a good deal t heyre offering or it s not ; Frank is fun t o be around, or he ruins my day. And so
it goes. Every day, hundreds of t imes each day, we move bet ween t hese opposing st at es, and
our bodies communicat e how we feel each and every inst ant .
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE COMFORT/DISCOMFORT PARADIGM IN BUSINESS
Which side of t he Comfort /Discomfort Paradigm is conducive t o effect ive leadership, nurt uring
business client s, effect ive selling, and dealing sat isfact orily wit h human resource issues? Im
sure you immediat ely appreciat e how essent ial it is t o cult ivat e comfort in business set t ings,
because t he effect s of t hese behaviors are so profound. Issues of discomfort must always be
addressed and comfort rest ored before product ive work can be pursued. Nonverbal
int elligencet he abilit y t o read ot herswill help you det ect and address discomfort even if
ot hers never verbalize it , oft en before t heyre consciously aware of it . In fact , if youre in a
st ressful business sit uat ion and draw a blank on everyt hing youve learned about nonverbal
int elligence, just ask yourself, Is t his behavior consist ent wit h comfort or discomfort ? If you do
t hat , most of t he t ime youll be able t o get t hings back on t rack.
When I was in t he FBI, we spent an inordinat e amount of t ime wit h int erviewees
est ablishing rapport (comfort ) because experience has long t aught us t hat people will
cooperat e less when t here is a high degree of t ension, dist rust , or animosit y (discomfort ).
Incident ally, discomfort affect s memory adversely, which is why when youre st ressed you cant
remember where you put your keys. I can assure you, no one ever confessed t o me because
t hey were upset wit h me or were belligerent . Confessions in real life, unlike t hose you see on
t elevision crime dramas, t ake place when rapport has been est ablished bet ween t he
int erviewer and t he int erviewee.
THE COMFORT/DISCOMFORT PARADIGM AND YOU
Not only will nonverbals help you est ablish comfort in ot hers, but t heyll also help you
communicat e more effect ively. Ever not ice t hat great speakers and st rong leaders speak wit h
such comfort ? They exude confidence, and t hat can be achieved only t hrough comfort
displays. No mat t er how st ressful or cont ent ious t he sit uat ion, t he leader who appears
unfazed (t hat is, who displays comfort ) is t he person t o whom we flock.
THE NATURE OF COMFORT AND DISCOMFORT: THE LIMBIC SYSTEM
Our brain const ant ly alert s us t o our st at e of comfort or discomfort , causing us t o dist ance
ourselves from what t hreat ens us and draw close t o what sust ains us. This highly developed
survival mechanism helps us escape danger and form t he cooperat ive bonds t hat have
enabled our species t o survive.
The part of t he brain t hat drives our survival response is known as t he limbic brain.
Locat ed deep wit hin t he brain, t here are a number of ancient st ruct ures comprised in part of
t he corpus callosum (which int erconnect s left and right hemispheres of t he brain), t he
amygdala (which react s t o anyt hing t hat can hurt us), t he hippocampus (where emot ional
memories and experiences are st ored), t he t halamus (which dist ills sensory informat ion like a
CPU), and t he hypot halamus (which regulat es homeost asis).
Like virus prot ect ion for your comput er, your limbic brain is always running in t he
background, regardless of what your neo-cort ex (t he part of t he brain responsible for
conscious t hought ) is up t o. You might be deeply engrossed in finishing a report , but when
someone ent ers your space from behind, you jerk upright at t he int rusion, inst ant ly divert ed
from your t ask. You might be st riding across t he st reet , ment ally composing a present at ion or
a grocery list , and leap sideways when a car swerves unexpect edly t oward you. You might be
sit t ing and t alking t o someone while your t oddler plays in t he wading pool nearby, yet you
lunge t o cat ch her just before she falls and hit s her face. This is our limbic brain ready t o
prot ect us and t hose we care for. It s int erest ing t o not e t hat in inst ances such as t hese, we
humans have cat -like reflexes, whereas t he rest of t he t ime, when we have t o t hink about
doing somet hing, most ot her animals react ion t imes would beat ours hands down.
OUR LIMBIC NATURE
When we perceive danger, our limbic syst em t riggers one of t hree neurological responses t hat
have st ood t he t est of millennia. In What Every Body Is Saying, I called t hese t he t hree Fs of
nonverbals: we freeze, flee, or fight .
FREEZE
Most of us have heard t he phrase fight or flight , in reference t o t hreat s, but in fact t heres a
t riad of responses, and freeze is our first and preferred response. Why? One word: efficacy.
Imagine youre an early hominid minding your business on t he African savanna, when suddenly
you spot a saber-t oot hed t iger lurking in t he shadows. You freeze. This is limbic common
sense: bet t er t o remain mot ionless and hope t he predat or doesnt not ice you t han t o move
and t rigger t he chase-t rip-bit e response for which t he big cat s are known. All mammals have
an orient at ion reflex t o movement , and t he one sure way t o defy it is t o remain st ill. The freeze
response also allows us t o conserve energy and assess our environment for alt ernat ives. We
would not have survived or evolved as a species if t his react ion had not been worked out
t hrough evolut ionary t rial and error.
Alt hough t he suburbs and skyscrapers we live and work in t oday are far removed from t he
African savanna, old limbic habit s die hard. The freeze response is st ill our first line of defense
and is seen in many nonverbals: t he employee who sit s wit h hands locked in her lap and legs
locked at t he ankles during a poor performance review; t he polit ician who smiles but grips t he
arms of his chair when asked a t ough quest ion; t he st udent gazing at t he professor wit h a
deer-in-t he-headlight s expression because he has not read t he assignment ; t he perpet rat or
who is flash-frozen in his chair while being int erviewed and claims he knows not hing of t he
crime. In all t hese cases, t he freeze response has kicked in and it shows in t he language of t he
body.
When violence erupt s, or when t heres a loud noise, we oft en see people suddenly hold
very st ill, as t hough in shock. This is t he freeze response at work. This response is so sensit ive
t hat even when we hear bad news, we will freeze for an inst ant as we cont emplat e t he
t ragedy.
FLEE
If freezing doesnt dispel t he t hreat , flight is t he next choice. Weve all seen nat ure shows
depict ing t he remarkable response of a peacefully grazing herd at t acked by one hungry
cheet ah: a hundred heads snap up (freeze); a heart beat lat er, t he herd is on t he run.
In modern life, we cant always leave scenes t hat make us uncomfort able, but t hat doesnt
st op t he limbic syst em from t rying by compelling us t o dist ance ourselves from anyt hing
negat ive. As youll learn in t he next chapt er, our honest legs and feet offer revealing
nonverbals of our desire for dist ance: Our feet angle away when were ready t o end a
conversat ion; jurors t urn t heir legs t oward exit s when t hey dont like a wit ness; we swivel in our
conference room chairs away from people who make inappropriat e remarks; and we nat urally
st and obliquely t o someone we dislike. It is our limbic way of creat ing dist ance from t hat which
is disagreeable.
Similarly our t orso will lean away from t hose wit h whom we are at odds, or we will t urn
slight ly. We vent rally deny (t urn our chest away) t hose who irk us (remember Princess Di and
Prince Charles in t heir final year of marriage?), ult imat ely t urning our back on t hem if it s really
bad. Or we dist ance ourselves by creat ing barriers (purse suddenly placed on lap, but t oning our
jacket , locking t he car door, looking away), including shielding our eyes by lowering our eyelids
or covering t hem wit h our fingers. These are modern adapt at ions t hat help us t o dist ance
ourselves from ot hers.
FIGHT
When our back is lit erally or met aphorically t o t he wall, and freezing or fleeing arent opt ions,
we fight . Fight ing is t he most expensive opt ion of t he t hree Fs, as it drains energy, put s us at
physical risk, and pit s our st rengt h direct ly against t he predat ors, which may not assure our
success.
In modern civilized societ y, we have t ransformed t he fight response int o t hings such as
passive aggression (saying well do t he job and t hen not finishing it ), arguing and rant ing,
t hrowing object s at walls, st omping our feet , crashing cars int o living rooms, and put t ing
firecrackers in mailboxest o name just a few examples from t his weeks headlines.
Because we have laws against violence t oward ot hers, most of us have t urned our
aggression inward (punching our own hands, t hrowing object s t o t he ground, bit ing our lip so
hard it bleeds), or we do it by proxy (nast y let t ers, let t ing our dog run in t he neighbors yard) or
t hrough body displays: Pict ure t wo men yelling at each ot her wit h t heir chest s puffed out ; t he
t oxic boss who belit t les you, leaning forward wit h his hands braced on his desk; t he irat e airline
passenger violat ing t he clerks space by leaning far over t he count er; t he baseball t eam
manager whose jut t ing chin and in-your-face behavior let s t he umpire know what he t hinks of
t he last call. Arguing, name calling, blust ering, having a fit t hese are modern ways of fight ing,
since judges frown upon out right combat . And yet fight ing, t he punching kind, st ill t akes place.
Nonverbals can help here also, indicat ing when a fight is imminent . Tight ening t he jaw,
making a fist , t hrust ing out t he chest , removing clot hing (especially glasses, hat s, or coat s), and
flaring t he nost rils (hyperoxygenat ion) are oft en precursors t o going kinet ic (fight ing). While we
dont fight as oft en as we did, say, during t he Middle Ages, we have adapt ed t o fight in a
different way, in a modern waybut it is st ill a limbic response.
NURTURE WEIGHS IN
The comfort /discomfort responses wired by nat ure are refined by nurt uring. From t he moment
were born, our int eract ions wit h ot hers t rain our brains chemical and elect rical responses,
which in t urn affect our emot ions and behaviors in an exquisit e feedback loop t hat lit erally
shapes who we become.
We see t he earliest expression of t he comfort /discomfort paradigm in t he int eract ion
bet ween mot her and baby: t he baby expresses discomfort (for example, crying at being hungry
or wet ) and t he mot her t enderly rest ores t he babys comfort . Here we learn our first emot ional
lessons. By expressing discomfort , t he baby garners at t ent ion via t he mot hers comfort ing
response. The mot her learns t o be at t ent ive t o t he childs nonverbals, realizing t hat if she
at t ends t o and deals wit h displays of discomfort , t he child is soon soot hed. The child learns t o
t rust in t he caring response.
On a physiological level, nurt uring behaviors release a cascade of chemicals including
oxyt ocin, which cont ribut es t o social and int erpersonal bonding. In fact , t he infant s chief
survival act ivit ysucklingst imulat es t he release of oxyt ocin in bot h mot her and child. Thus
were chemically primed t o bot h seek and give comfort as t he very basis of life. As we grow
older, oxyt ocin becomes even more import ant in building bonds such as t hose of court ship and
marriage, as well as in business. Research shows t hat when we have healt hy business
relat ionships, where t here is mut ual respect and appropriat e human t ouch, we t rust more and
are more willing t o part wit h our money.
I SEE YOU; YOU SEE ME
Mirroringmat ching each ot hers movement s and post uresis our most powerful
int erpersonal comfort display. Once again, we see it first bet ween parent and infant .
Researchers have capt ured t his beaut iful expression of harmony on film. When seen in slow
mot ion, mirroring (also known as isopraxis, post ural echoing, or synchrony) looks like a dance:
The baby smiles; t he mot her smiles; t he baby coos; t he mot her vocalizes similarly; t he baby
t ilt s it s head; so does t he mot her. This is t he beginning of empat het ic communicat ion,
somet hing t hat will serve us well in court ship and in business in years t o come.
Just as we have a preference for comfort , so we have a preference for synchrony. In fact ,
when a baby cries in a nursery, ot her babies will cry in synchrony. When a friend receives bad
news and looks downt rodden, we respond likewise, demonst rat ing our empat hy by displaying
ident ical behaviors. This is why at a funeral everyone appears t o have t he same facial
expression, as well as why we all cheer similarly when t he t eam scores a t ouchdown.
Synchrony bot h fost ers and demonst rat es social harmony.
THE FACE IN THE CROWD
It is int erest ing t o not e t hat t he Secret Service looks for t he face in t he crowd t hat is
out of synchrony wit h everyone elses, a good indicat or t hat someone may be
formulat ing somet hing different from t he groupperhaps even somet hing criminal.
Aft er John W. Hinckley Jr. at t empt ed t o assassinat e Ronald Reagan, wit nesses
comment ed t o invest igat ors on how Hinckleys appearance, demeanor, and
count enance looked odd. His appearance was out of synchrony wit h everyone else,
who was elat ed t o see t he president up close. The same t hing happened when
Art hur Bremer t ried t o kill Governor George C. Wallace; Bremer t oo st ood out in t he
crowd by his odd look, which was lat er revealed in news phot ographs.
We find synchrony wit h st rangers as well as wit h t hose whom we know. For inst ance,
while I was writ ing t his chapt er, I was asked t o appear on an early-morning TV show. In t he
green room, I st ruck up a conversat ion wit h a fellow guest , a very nice person. We were get t ing
along really well. Because t his chapt er was on my mind and, admit t edly, just t o see what would
happen, I decided t o change our comfort paradigm by changing how I was sit t ing. We were
sit t ing across from each ot her wit h our legs slight ly apart , hands in our laps. I suddenly shift ed
around when someone came int o t he room and lift ed my left leg over my knee so t hat it
appeared t o be a barrier, while my feet point ed t oward t he door. The man suddenly
st raight ened and changed his posit ion t o mirror mine. Conversat ion resumed wit h hesit at ion,
only aft er he adjust ed his post ure.
My companion had no conscious awareness of having mirrored me. By now you know why:
t he limbic syst em operat es in parallel t ime. Our default preferences for comfort and discomfort
come from our brains hardwiring, our life experiences, and our cult ural condit ioning. Moment t o
moment , we move t hrough t his spect rum from comfort t o discomfort and back again, our limbic
syst em placing every experience somewhere along t his spect rum, shaping our responses,
always at t empt ing t o ret urn us t o comfort .
CULTURAL CONDITIONING
Cult ural preferences, it should be point ed out , also shape but do not override our limbic
responses, which is why limbic responses are universal. These, t oo, are inst illed from infancy
onward, and t hey are so pervasive and subt le t hat whole books are devot ed t o cross-cult ural
awareness.
For example, where you grow up will det ermine how close you will st and next t o ot hers;
which way you will face in an elevat or (in Nort h America we face t he doors and st are at t he
floor numbers; in Sout h America people t urn and face each ot her); how oft en and where you
t ouch ot hers in public; and how long you can st are at someone. Personal space is cult urally
influenced: Lat in Americans may feel uncomfort able if someone get s wit hin eight inches of
t hem; here in Nort h America t hat zone st art s at t wo feet . Sensit ivit y t o ot hers personal space
affect s how you are perceived; t his will be discussed lat er in t he book. Nurt uring and
socializat ion, t oo, influence our comfort levels in t his and many ot her int eract ions. When it
comes t o body space, cult ure will det ermine t he dist ance, but your limbic syst em will det ermine
whet her or not you are comfort able.

IN THE end, when you are wit h ot hers, your assessment t ask is st raight forward: If t here is
comfort , youll see isopraxis or mirroring, accompanied by ot her comfort displays. If t heres
discomfort , you will see t hose clearly, t oo. And if t hat discomfort is aggravat ed, one of t hree Fs
of nonverbals (freeze, flight , fight or rigidit y, dist ancing, acrimony) will manifest . For business,
comfort is key, as youll see in t he next chapt er. When t here is comfort , communicat ion is more
effect ive, we become more persuasive, and t ransact ions come about more smoot hly.
Ot hers may t alk about personalit y t ypes, t hinking st yles, and emot ional int elligence. All of
t hese have t heir place, but in my decades of experience in life-or-deat h sit uat ions, espionage
work, and count erint elligence, t he comfort /discomfort paradigm, expressed nonverbally, is
inst ant ly det ect able in real t ime and is acut ely reliable in revealing what we feel, t hink, or
int end. It is t he indispensable t ool for everyday business, and it s free.
3

HOW THE BODY TALKS
HERE WE look at how each part of t he body communicat es nonverbally. Youll also learn t he
basic vocabulary of nonverbals. Once you grasp t hese essent ials, it s as if you suddenly
underst and a language t hat unt il now was vaguely comprehensible. As you walk down t he
st reet , sit in a meet ing, converse wit h your boss, wait in line at a st ore, or wat ch a t elevised
press conference or a t alk show, a new world is revealed t o you. Seemingly random
movement s by colleagues, neighbors, and even our nat ional leaders become organized int o a
st ream of informat ion t hat is rich and fluent .
SPEAKING OF NONVERBALS: THE BASIC VOCABULARY
The following are t he main t erms expert s use when assessing nonverbals. If youd like a
resource for t he complet e nonverbal vocabulary, refer t o my previous book What Every Body Is
Saying.
BASELINE BEHAVIORS
When I int erviewed criminal suspect s at t he FBI, t he last t hing I want ed was t o int imidat e t hem
or put t hem on t he defensive. On t he cont rary: I want ed t o put t hem at ease; make sure t hey
had somet hing t o drink; see t o t heir comfort . And while t hey got comfort able, I observed t heir
every move, from t heir post ure as t hey approached me t o t heir eye blink rat e as we sat
t oget her. Why? Because in order t o know how an individual exhibit s discomfort , you must first
observe how t hey behave when comfort able. Once you est ablish a persons comfort behaviors
as a baseline, youll wat ch for depart ures from t he baseline as signs of discomfort . For example,
it s oft en assumed t hat crossed arms signal defensiveness. Not so, if a person
charact erist ically st ands t his way. I have a friend who oft en crosses his arms pensively during
conversat ion. It s when he abrupt ly changes his posit ion t hat I at t une t o possible discomfort .
CONTEXT
All nonverbals must be underst ood in cont ext . Expressions of st ress in someone whose
daught er is ill or whose job is on t he line are t o be expect ed. The spect er of losing a child or of
being fired adds cont ext , explaining nonverbals of anxiet y or discomfort . Cont ext must be
considered in less ext reme sit uat ions, t oo: observe t he st ress on t he faces of people at t he
airport air t ravel is st ressful, wit h canceled flight s and surly flight at t endant s. Being
quest ioned by a police officer can also cause st ress; just t he fact t hat t he officer is wearing a
uniform and a badge can cause st ress, so we must consider t he human fact or as part of
cont ext . Family makes us comfort able; st rangers make us uncomfort able. You can see t his
dynamic in t he office: you feel comfort able wit h your workmat es and, ideally, your boss; t hey
are family. But when t he CEO visit s from out of t own, everyone is upt ight around t his high-
st at us st ranger.
EMPHASIS
Emphasis is nonverbal punct uat ion: it is our bodys way of making an exclamat ion point . When
we point repeat edly at someone in anger or raise our arms in t riumph aft er a t ouchdown, were
making an exclamat ion t hrough our bodys emphat ic nonverbal gest ures. Emphasis at t aches
emot ion t o our messages, making t hem memorable.
In business, it is t hrough emphasis t hat we demarcat e what is import ant and not ewort hy.
When we fail t o emphasize, t alk oft en becomes mere chat t er. When were unable t o recall
somet hing t hat was said, it s oft en because t he message was delivered wit hout emphasis.
Messages t hat have emot ion at t ached t end t o last longer. For t his purpose, nonverbals are
invaluable. Emphasis can light a fire in us; t his is what coaches do t o excit e t heir at hlet es t o
perform except ionally.
GRAVITY-DEFYING BEHAVIORS
Things are looking up is an expression of opt imism t hat has lit eral parallels in nonverbals.
When people are feeling good, t heyre quit e lit erally up: t heir nonverbals move skyward, in
effect defying gravit y. Youll see eyebrows up, chin up, t humbs up, and even t oes up. I
frequent ly see t hese behaviors during breaks at my lect ures when people check t heir phone
messages: if it s good news, t oes go up. In t he boardroom, int erlaced hands wit h t humbs
st icking up also reflect posit ive t hought s.
HAPTICS
Hapt ics is t he st udy of how we t ouch t hings and of how t hings feel. Through analysis of
hapt ics, engineers figure out how t o make t hat new cell phone screen or comput er keyboard
ever more responsive t o your t ouch. Hapt ics also encompasses how we t ouch each ot her. A
mot hers gent le t ouch on her babys face is a form of hapt ics. I recent ly saw a child cup her
fat hers chin, a beaut iful gest ure of love.
How we t ouch each ot her is always significant , even in business, as youll discover when
we discuss greet ings in chapt er 7. In business, research t ells us, t rust and empat hy are
engendered t hrough t ouch. The more t ouching t here is, t he more empat het ic t he
communicat ion. Rest aurant servers who t ouch t he arm of t heir cust omers will receive bigger
t ips.
INTENTION CUES
Oft en peoples bodies reveal t heir int ent ions long before t hey verbalize t heir wishes. These
int ent ion cues are powerful indicat ors and should be heeded whenever possible. If youre
having a conversat ion wit h your boss and he t urns his t orso slight ly away from you, or if you
see t hat his lead foot is point ing t oward an exit , hes sending an int ent ion cue t hat he would
like t o wrap up t he discussion. Dont t ake it personally; subconsciously your boss is simply
saying, I have t o leave. What ever t heir reasons, when people exhibit t hese cues, t heyre
seeking space and t ime. They will appreciat e it when you gracefully disengage.
KINESICS
Kinesics is t he st udy of body movement , in part icular of our ext remit ies. Some people confuse
kinesics wit h nonverbals; but nonverbals encompass so much more: facial expressions, t one of
voice, eye behaviors, self-t ouching, clot hing, and personal accout rement s, t o name a few. This
t erm was popular in 1970s and 1980s, and several books were writ t en wit h t he t erm in t he t it le
(for example, Principles of Kinesic Interview and Interrogation); now it finds lit t le usage except
among researchers.
MICROGESTURES
Microgest ures or microexpressions (t erms coined by t he renowned researcher Dr. Paul Ekman)
are fleet ing nonverbals t hat can be very revealing. Because t heir speed and t iming defy
conscious cont rol, t hey t end t o be t rue and honest . Oft en associat ed wit h negat ive feelings or
discomfort , t hey give us a clear window int o ot hers feelings. There are many microgest ures,
but one we oft en see in business is a quick squint ing or t ensing of t he lower eyelids. Subt le as
t his movement is, it is t ruly indicat ive of discomfort . Ive seen t his bet raying microgest ure oft en
in at t orneys while reviewing a cont ract , at t he very moment when t hey read an object ionable
paragraph.
PACIFYING BEHAVIORS
Pacifying behaviors are act ions t hat soot he us and at t empt t o rest ore comfort from a st at e of
discomfort . Any self-t ouching, rubbing, or cradling behavior has obvious aims t o calmsuch as
when people play wit h t heir wedding band or necklace when wait ing t o hear a medical
diagnosis. We may pacify by t ouching or covering a vulnerable or exposed point or area
(rubbing t he neck, cupping t he chin, fiddling wit h an earring or an earlobe). We pacify ourselves
in mult iple ways, all day long. We rub our forehead when mulling over a problem; we adjust our
t ie or smoot h our hair before we meet t he new boss; we fold our arms prot ect ively around our
bodies as we congregat e t o whisper about a coworkers abrupt dismissal. We engage in
pacifying behaviors when we are slight ly insecure or nervous as well as when we are afraid.
Pacifiers are oft en referred t o in t he lit erat ure as adapt ors. Well use t he t erm pacifiers
t hroughout t his book because I find most people relat e bet t er t o it and because it describes
precisely what is going on: pacifiers are t he brains way of saying t o t he body, Please calm me
down or soot he me.
Youll see pacifying behaviors in evidence when someone is st ressed, insecure, fright ened,
t rying t o calm down, at t empt ing t o get focused, or feeling fat igued. By recognizing pacifiers, we
can assist ot hers, and even ourselves, t o ease negat ive emot ions.
PROXEMICS
Proxemics is t he st udy of int erpersonal dist ances and how we use space. Proxemics is
influenced by hierarchy (social and economic), cult ure, circumst ances, and our personal comfort
level. When we feel our space is violat ed, we become aroused limbically. Think about a t ime
when someone st ood uncomfort ably close t o you at an ATM, in line at a st ore, or on an
elevat or. I suspect you found it uncomfort able at best and t hat it significant ly disrupt ed your
concent rat ion at worst . Whet her youre seat ing people around a t able or greet ing someone
from anot her cult ure, at t ending t o proxemics is an import ant yet oft en overlooked element in
influencing ot hers, whet her t o est ablish comfort , convey aut horit y, or acknowledge st at us.
SYNCHRONY
As ment ioned in chapt er 2, synchrony is nat ures way of physically expressing harmony. In
business we say we are on t he same page or in sync. In court ship we walk slowly t hrough t he
park wit h t he one we love. Synchrony of t he body expresses unit y of mind and heart . It
enriches life by t ransmit t ing t o ot hers t hat we are one wit h t hem.
Examples of synchrony abound, and it s int erest ing t o see how highly we prize it . In sport s,
we marvel at synchronized diving and synchronized swimming. The world was mesmerized and
awed by t housands of drummers playing in unison at t he opening ceremonies of t he 2008
Olympic Games in Beijing. Consider t he st irring effect of t he marching band, or t he solemn
beaut y of t he changing of t he guard at t he Tomb of t he Unknown Soldier at Arlingt on Nat ional
Cemet ery or at Buckingham Palace. This is also why we wear uniforms: visual synchrony draws
us t oget her and makes one out of many. We even see synchrony in weddings where t he
bridesmaids wear t he same dress, demonst rat ing t heir unit y. Synchrony in at t ire (business
suit s) or in behavior (walking at t he same pace as our boss) creat es harmony.
When we are out of synchrony (sync), t here is discord or dissonance; at a subconscious
level it undermines how we feel and dest abilizes effect ive communicat ion and int erpersonal
harmony, bot h in business and wit h friends.
TERRITORIAL DISPLAYS
Through t errit orial displays, we communicat e our spat ial needs, and how we view ourselves
socially and even emot ionally. In every cult ure, t he higher-st at us individual is accorded great er
space, is apport ioned larger propert y, and claims great er t errit ory. When Christ opher Columbus
went t o plead his case before Queen Isabella t o fund his voyage t o t he Americas, he never got
closer t han a few yards from t he monarchs t hrone. When t he conquist adores arrived in what is
now Mexico, t hey found ident ical t errit orial requirement s: physical dist ance was also accorded
t o royalt y in t he New World.
In our world t oday, t errit orial displays are everywhere, from t he royal box at Wimbledon t o
t he number of cars in t he president s mot orcade t o t he rush-hour subway passenger t aking up
t wo seat s wit h out spread legs and arms. In business, t errit orial displays can t ake t he form of a
corner office, a large desk, or an arm draped over t wo chairs. The higher our st at us (real or
perceived), t he more space we need (or claim).
THE BODY NONVERBAL
You may be surprised t o learn t hat t he face is at t imes t he last place t o look when t rying t o
discern what someone else is t hinking or feeling. Were socialized from childhood t o cont rol our
facial expressions t o gain affect ion, prot ect ion, and rewards. That doesnt mean t he face
doesnt show our feelings, but it does mean t hat t he ent ire body sends messages t hat may
cont radict what we see in t he face. The mast er of nonverbal int elligence underst ands t his and
pays equal at t ent ion t o t he nonverbal messages being expressed by every part of t he body, as
well discuss in t his sect ion. Ill also explain t he nonverbal clues you can pick up by observing
how people manipulat e t heir clot hes and accessories.
THE LEGS AND FEET
When it comes t o feelings and int ent ions, t he feet are very honest ; t hus I always discuss t hem
first . From prehist oric t imes, t he feet and legs have ensured our survival, helping us flee
predat ors or fight t hem by kicking. Wit hout t hem, our species would not have been able t o
hunt , harvest , migrat e, mat e, or dance. They t ell us when a person is feeling confident ,
flirt at ious, happy, nervous, t hreat ened, shy, or want s t o leaveand even which way t hey want
t o go.
Jiggling Legs and Feet
Weve all seen it and done it : at school, in a meet ing, on a dat e. The t orso may be st ill, but
t hose legs are bouncing; t hose t oes are t apping. What does it mean? This is where cont ext is
crit ical. Foot or leg jiggling in someone who has been sit t ing st ill signifies discomfort of some
kind. It could be impat ience or need t o move t hings along. Consider wrapping up t he discussion
or suggest ing a break so everyone can st ret ch t heir legs. Even baseball fans get a sevent h
inning st ret ch.
Jiggling t hat st art s during a conversat ion may signal discomfort wit h t he t opic, especially if
you also see t ight ening of t he jaw muscles. Take t he t emperat ure; consider what may have
caused t he change.
Alt ernat ively, jiggling can manifest in response t o good newsI call it happy feet . In my
work wit h professional poker players, Ive seen many examples of happy feet under t he t able
when a winning hand is dealt , while t he players face remains impassive. When were happy, we
cant seem t o resist dancing or jumping up and down, as I recent ly saw Serena Williams do
aft er winning a championship t ennis t ournament . She was lit erally jumping for joy.
Some people are jit t ery by nat ure. These movement s are t heir baseline. Discomfort in
t hese individuals manifest s in changes in t he rat e of movement or if it suddenly st ops (freeze)
or int ensifies (flight ).
If jiggling becomes kickingt he foot kicking up and downit indicat es a very negat ive
react ion t o what ever is happening, t o t he point of want ing t o kick it away. Also not e t hat
repet it ive flexing of t he foot sideways at t he ankle is indicat ive of high st ress, irrit abilit y, or
impat ience.
Repet it ive mot ions are oft en soot hing or pacifying, but t hey can t urn int o nervous t ics or
become pat hological when t hey are obsessive. Repet it ive hand washing is a psychologically
soot hing behavior, but when engaged in compulsively, it is a disabling illness.
Point ing Feet
If a colleague shift s his st ance so one or bot h feet point away from you (see figure 1), t his is a
powerful int ent ion cue t hat he would like t o leave. Perhaps t he discussion is making him
uncomfort able, or hes lat e for a meet ing. Bot t om line: t act fully end t he conversat ion. Ive
not iced t hat when workers address t heir managers, but t heir feet are t urned away (t hey t urn
slight ly at t he hips), it suggest s t hat somet hing is at issue. Eit her t hey have t o leave or t hey
would rat her not be present .

fig. 1

When its time to go, one foot will point away in the direction of travel. Look for this when
conversing; its an accurate I have to leave intention signal.

Gravit y-Defying Feet
As ment ioned earlier, gravit y-defying behaviors st rongly signal cont ent ment or joy. Wat ch your
boss t ake an import ant phone callif t he deal is closed, you may see him st rut out of t he
office wit h a bounce in his st ep. People on t he phone will oft en point t he t oes of one foot in t he
air when t heyre enjoying t heir conversat ion or are in a part icularly good mood.
Books on nonverbal communicat ions rarely ment ion t he feet , yet t here is so much
informat ion t here about what is going on in t he brain. While I was st at ioned in New York, a
former classmat e asked me t o view a video of some mob-connect ed guys. One t hing t hat
st ood out was t he ext ra lit t le bounce in t heir st ep when t hey got paid off. Aft er a while we
could t ell who was having a good day just from his walk.
The St art ers Posit ion
The st art ers posit ion (see figure 2) is a gravit y-defying post ure in which a seat ed person
moves one foot forward, t he ot her back, wit h weight t oward t he balls of t he feet . We assume
t his posit ion when were very int erest ed in what is in front of us (Tell me more, I like what
youre saying!). Conversely, it s oft en how we signal we are ready t o go. If youre t alking t o
someone who is senior t o you, when t hey assume t he st art ers posit ion, eit her ask if t here is
anyt hing more or t act fully t erminat e t he meet ing, as t hey probably have somewhere else t o go.
Leg Splay
Leg splay is a t errit orial display. It can mean I am in charge here or This is my t urf; I am not
afraid. Our limbic syst em prompt s a splayed st ance when we need t o look bigger. You oft en
see t his behavior wit h managers; I cert ainly see it wit h police officers, who t end t o splay t heir
legs as a sign of aut horit y and dominance. Sit t ing or st anding wit h legs splayed is a st rong
confidence display signaling aut horit y, dominance, or t hreat , depending on t he cont ext . To help
defuse a t ense sit uat ion, check t o see if t here is leg splay going on. One quick way t o help
lessen t ensions is by bringing your legs closer t oget her, reducing your t errit orial claim.

fig. 2

Clasping of the knees and feet in the starters position indicates that the person is ready
to leave.

Crossed Legs
St anding wit h crossed legs signifies comfort and relaxat ion. You cant flee or fight from t his
posit ion, so your limbic syst em forbids it under duress. We see crossed legs among coworkers
brainst orming ideas or when t wo friends st and deep in conversat ion, legs crossed at t he
ankles. You can fost er comfort by mirroring ot hers leg-crossing behavior.
If youre seat ed side by side, t he direct ion of your companions leg cross can be t elling. If
youre get t ing along well, t he persons t op leg will point t oward you. If t he conversat ion is
causing a negat ive react ion, t he legs will be crossed (or recrossed) so t he t high becomes a
barrier bet ween you (see figures 3 and 4). If you havent not iced t his before, wat ch people who
are get t ing along and not ice how t hey will shift t heir legs t o enhance communicat ion.

fig. 3

Look for the leg crossover as a body barrier, especially immediately after something
negative is discussed.


fig. 4

Shifting of the knee away to remove any barriers between two people is a sign of
openness and comfort.

Foot Lock
Locking t he feet by t ight ly crossing t he ankles or wit hdrawing t hem by wrapping t he ankles
around t he legs of a chair are freeze behaviors indicat ing concern or anxiet y. When foot lock
suddenly occurs during a conversat ion, it is likely t hat somet hing negat ive has t aken place.
Many women have been t aught t o sit wit h ankles crossed, but prolonged, t ight ankle crossing
or ot her rest rict ed leg movement s signal st rong caut ion. This act ion is most t elling when
someone suddenly locks his or her ankles in response t o a quest ion.
Leg Cleanse
Leg cleansing, or rubbing t he t highs wit h t he hands (see figure 5) is a pacifying behavior seen
in many set t ings: A part y guest may leg-cleanse as he sit s and scans t he area for someone t o
t alk t o. An employee receiving a poor performance review may leg-cleanse t o soot he anxiet y. A
manager t rying t o solve a budget problem may leg-cleanse t o maint ain focus and calm. People
under t remendous st ress or when confront ed wit h devast at ing informat ion will oft en leg-
cleanse repeat edly, not realizing how frequent ly or vigorously t hey are doing t his.
THE TORSO
Pict ure t his: Youre crossing t he st reet when a car runs t he red light and roars t oward you. You
freeze. Theres no t ime t o run. You brace for t he hit .

fig. 5

Leg cleansing (palms rubbing across the lap) serves to pacify us when we are anxious or
stressed.
As you read t his, what does your body want t o do? Perhaps you feel your t orso pulling
away, hunching over, pivot ing t o present your back in a reflexive at t empt t o prot ect your
vulnerable front . That is your limbic syst em in act ion.
The t orso is lit erally our soft underbellya highly vulnerable area cont aining our vit al
organs, including our heart , lungs, st omach, and genit als. All animals guard t his area: if you
t ickle a cat s belly, in effect mimicking an at t acking predat or, it will curl up and rake it s back
claws up and down, seeking t o prot ect it s belly while at t empt ing t o disembowel t he enemy.
Compared t o ot her mammals, humans are unusually exposed because we walk erect ;
t hus our t orso or vent ral (front ) movement s are st rongly governed by our limbic syst em and
very indicat ive of our comfort level.
Vent ral Front ing and Vent ral Denial
When I t ravel, I never t ire of wat ching people greet loved ones: t hey lean forward, arms open
wide, t orso complet ely exposed, before meet ing in a warm embrace. It s a perfect example of
what I call vent ral front ing: when we feel posit ive about what s going on, we t urn our t orso
t oward t he source of our good feelings, lit erally opening ourselves in a display of vulnerabilit y
and t rust . Vent ral front ing is also a simple yet powerful way t o show respect : if youve ever
t ried t o converse wit h someone who will not face you, you know how insult ing it feels. This is
why we have all heard someone say, Dont t urn your back on me!
Which brings us t o vent ral denial: t he act of t urning away from somet hing t hat makes us
uncomfort able. It may be quit e subt lewhat I call blading, or t urning by degrees as an
encount er becomes less and less t o our likingdemonst rat ing how vigilant ly our limbic syst em
prot ect s our t orso. I coined t hese t erms t o show how import ant our vent ral orient at ion is t o
good relat ionships.
The swivel chairs ubiquit ous in conference rooms and offices allow us t o make and
observe rapid shift s in vent ral exposure as we react t o each ot her moment t o moment . Wat ch
a film of a meet ing at t wice t he speed and you will see how accurat e vent ral front ing and
denial are at communicat ing how we feel. If you want t o demonst rat e int erest in what your
boss is saying in a meet ing, dont just t urn your head t oward her; front your t orso and lean
slight ly forward.
Torso Lean, Shield, and Bow
It s st riking t o see how reliably we lean t oward what int erest s us and away from what repels us.
Spend some t ime at a cockt ail part y, a family gat hering, or a meet ing observing t his dance-like
isopraxisoriginat ing from our earliest experiences as infant s int eract ing wit h a responsive
parent as we gravit at e t oward or away from a st imulus.
Torso shielding t ells us much in real t ime about ot hers comfort level. It may be as obvious
as arms suddenly crossed in front of t he chest (t he t ight er t he finger grip on t he arms, t he
great er t he discomfort ) or as subt le as a man adjust ing his t ie in a lingering way t hat causes
his arm t o shield his chest . Jacket but t oning may be a t orso shield or it may be a sign of
respect for a person or an occasion; cont ext should guide you here. Men will adjust t heir shirt
cuffs or manipulat e t heir wat ches as a form of shielding and t o reduce anxiet y. The lat est
t rend is t o look at your cell phone or smart phone; it makes you appear busy and it is a shielding
behavior.
It s cust omary in Asian cult ures t o bow as a gest ure of respect . Alt hough West erners
generally feel uncomfort able bowing, it has a long hist ory as a sign of deference even in
West ern societ y (royal court s). In our increasingly int ernat ional economy, you will gain an
advant age if you become comfort able wit h bowing by bending t he t orso slight ly forward when
dealing wit h t hose of Asian cult ures. At lunch recent ly in a New York Cit y rest aurant , I
observed a woman ent er and greet her companion, an Asian woman already at t he t able, wit h
a warm handshake and a nat ural inclinat ion of her t orso and heada quick, sincere bow t hat
clearly made a favorable impression, as her lunch dat e immediat ely t urned vent rally t oward her,
smiling and t alking, as t hey bot h sat down. Acknowledging ot her peoples cult ure is a powerful
sign of respect .
Shrugs and Splays
If you ask your shipping manager t o explain why t he cargo didnt arrive on t ime and he gives a
half shrug and says, I dont know, wit h a lit t le probing, youll probably find t hat he knows more
t han he let on. In a t rue shrug, bot h shoulders rise quickly and st rongly in a gravit y-defying
gest ure t hat signals confidence in t he response (see figures 6 and 7).
Splaying out wit h t orso and arms, especially when combined wit h leg splays (see figures 8
and 9) needs t o be underst ood in cont ext . It usually indicat es comfort , and t heres not hing
wrong wit h splaying during relaxed conversat ion wit h your peers, but splaying out is also a
st rong t errit orial or dominance display and must be used wit h caut ion in business. Generally
speaking, only people wit h high aut horit y may splay out in business sit uat ions, as social
convent ions dict at e t hat t errit ory be ceded t o t hose of higher st at us. At all t imes, and
part icularly if youre a new employee, keep not only your wit s about you, but also your elbows,
arms, legs, and t orso respect fully upright and facing in t he proper direct ion: t oward your boss.

fig. 6

Partial shoulder shrugs indicate lack of commitment or insecurities.


fig. 7

Full shoulder shrugs are used to communicate, I dont know. Look for both shoulders
to rise; when only one side rises, the sender of the message is dubious at best.


fig. 8

Splaying out is a territorial display that is acceptable in your own space, but not when in
someone elses territory (such as in the bosss office or during a job interview).


fig. 9

Arms spread out over chairs or even over other people communicates that you are
feeling comfortable and confident.

THE ARMS, HANDS, AND FINGERS
The next t ime you pass a const ruct ion sit e, look at t he backhoe and t he bulldozer and not ice
t he array of hinges, cables, pulleys, and levers required t o re-creat e, in gross form, t he
movement s we flawlessly execut e every t ime we lift a briefcase, put away groceries, play a
musical inst rument , or cradle a childand you will begin t o get an idea of t he complexit y,
versat ilit y, and beaut y of t he human arm.
Our arms and hands were once our front legs and feet , responsible for prot ect ion as well
as ambulat ion. They are very honest limbically, part icularly as t heyre charged wit h prot ect ing
our vulnerable t orso. Ten minut es of wat ching a foot ball game affords a view of some of t he
innumerable defensive and offensive movement s t he arms and hands are capable of, from
blocks, shoves, and grabs t o Herculean lift s and t hrows. Youll also see t he gravit y-defying,
t errit ory-grabbing fist pumps and high fives t hat celebrat e t ouchdowns and t he wit hdrawn
freeze behaviors of slumped shoulders and limit ed arm movement s t hat accompany defeat .
Our hands and fingers, ext ending from our arms as an elegant syst em for bringing t he
ext ernal world int o our grasp, also are highly expressive of our int ernal st at e: t he feat herlight
t ouch of a fingert ip can convey curiosit y, awe, or adorat ion. Given t he huge communicat ive
range of our arms, hands, and fingers, I always suggest spending t ime st udying t hese
movement s, developing an underst anding of ot hers baseline nonverbals before at t empt ing
int erpret at ion.
Cult ure plays a large role in how we use our hands and arms. Travel t hroughout t he
Medit erranean count ries and youll see what I mean. Hands are very expressive, and t here are
an almost infinit e number of gest ures and emblems t hat have meaning t o t he locals.
Nevert heless, limbic responses will be t he same.
Confidence and Dominance Displays of t he Arms
Arms akimbo, in which t he hands are plant ed firmly at t he waist , t humbs t o t he back, elbows t o
t he sides, is a clear dominance displaywhich is why it is commonly seen in law enforcement ,
milit ary, securit y personneland parent s: my mot her used t o greet me like t hat when I came
home lat e. It sends t he message: I have issues or I will not back down.
Women can count er t he subt le nonverbal dominance exert ed over t hem by men by using
arms akimbo as necessit y dict at es, as t his is a powerful display. Make sure t he t humbs are at
t he back of t he waist ; if t heyre posit ioned in front , t he pose is more quest ioning t han dominant
(see figures 10 and 11).
Think of hooding (see figure 12) as arms akimbo above t he neck: we int erlock our fingers
behind our head, oft en leaning back as we do so. We see t his behavior everywhere from casual
social gat herings t o office conversat ions. Like splays, hooding is a confidence and t errit orial
display: consider t he cobra t hat hoods t o appear larger and more dominant . While it s fine t o do
t his wit h peers, it should not be done in front of t he boss; only t he boss get s t o hood. In fact ,
chances are t hat if you are hooding when t he boss comes in, you will subconsciously and
almost immediat ely st op.

fig. 10

Arms akimbo is a territorial display, typically used to indicate there are issues. Note the
position of the thumbs in this image.


fig. 11

By placing the thumbs forward, a less authoritative, more inquisitive posture is
presented as compared to the previous image. This is a less officious posture, which can
help to lessen tensions when dealing with others.


fig. 12

By placing interlaced hands behind the head, you are sending a powerful signal of
comfort and dominance. This display is usually reserved, however, for the senior person
at a meeting.



fig. 13

The planting of fingers spread apart firmly on a surface is an unmistakable territorial
display of confidence and authority.
Similar t o hooding are t errit orial displays on surfaces such as a t able or desk. The next
t ime someone subject s you t o t he dominance posearms out spread, fingert ips splayed on
t he t able (see figure 13)scan your body for your react ions. This pose is so simple, yet it is
highly meaningful and communicat es a spect rum of messages, depending on cont ext and
ot her nonverbals in evidence. At it s most benign, it is a confidence display: I know what Im
doing. It is also a t errit orial display, as out spread arms encroach on ot hers space: Im in
charge here. It is a dominance display: List en up. Finally, when coupled wit h t orso lean, it s a
t hreat ening display, making a person loom larger and st ronger.
Some people splay out wit h t heir possessions, spreading t heir papers, wat er bot t les,
not ebooks, and elect ronic devices on t he meet ing t able. Here again, evaluat e t his behavior in
cont ext : Does it reflect comfort wit h familiar surroundings, does it signal aut horit y, or is it an
at t empt t o creat e an impression of power? Most people dislike even modest encroachment s
on t heir t able t urf. Mind your space and possessions as well as t hose of ot hers. Dont ever
set your it ems on someones desk wit hout first asking for permission, and what ever you do,
dont sit on someones desk.
Arms That Wit hdraw
If a persons arms are wit hdrawnusually wit h hands clasped behind t he backit expresses a
wish for dist ance: Oft en referred t o as t he regal st ance, t his message means, Dont get
close; dont t ouch me, or could be used t o say, I out rank you. We oft en see t his when royalt y
walks among commoners, or in college professors pacing t he classroom. Rarely do we see it
among blue-collar workers.
This nonverbal may also indicat e t hat t he person is processing informat ion and is
dist ract ed in t hought . Keep a respect ful dist ance and look for signs indicat ing t hat you may
approach. If t hey are not t here, let t he person be. Always respect t he need for space and
isolat ion if someone signals t he wish t o be alone.
The Hands: First Impressions Count
For survival purposes, we orient t oward movement (orient at ion reflex). Because t he clever
human hand has t he abilit y t o enhance life (feeding, carrying, cradling) or t o inflict mort al injury
(punching, gouging, killing), we have evolved t o keep a close eye on t he highly mobile hands.
Because we key off t he hands for our securit y, our first impressions of someones hands
influence our opinion of t heir owner.
Keep your hands clean. We have a primeval need t o ally ourselves wit h ot hers who are
healt hy and likely t o t hrive. Our hands should demonst rat e our well-being: t hey should be clean
(men: t hat includes under t he fingernails), showing no evidence of nervous picking at t he skin
or cut icles, and no ragged or bit t en nails, which people associat e wit h insecurit y.
Good hand grooming is part icularly import ant in professions relat ed t o healt h (doct ors and
ot her healt h professionals), food (rest aurant servers), and finance (banking, asset
management ). Salespeople should be aware of t heir hands prominence when showing
merchandise. A jeweler I knew always kept his hands nicely yet unobt rusively groomed,
realizing t hat t hey served as a frame for t he expensive it ems he was showing his cust omers.
Not hing is more disgust ing, according t o repeat ed surveys, t han men wit h long fingernails.
Mens fingernails should be short and unpolished.
If you are a woman who enjoys manicures, keep nail lengt h modest : t hey are nails, not
t alons. Excessively long nails have no place in business. This is not just my sent iment ; focus
groups reveal just how poorly long nails are perceived by bot h men and women.
Keep your hands visible. Remember, were limbically programmed t o assess t he int ent ions
of t he hands. Securit y personnel have honed t his awareness t o a high pit ch: even t oday, years
aft er ret iring from t he FBI, I st ill check out t he hands of people coming near me. As law
enforcement officers well know, it is only t he hands t hat can hurt you. (Incident ally, if you get
pulled over by t he police, immediat ely roll down your window and place your hands palm up on
t op of t he st eering wheel; officers really appreciat e t hat and it may save you from get t ing a
t icket .)
I t ell execut ives t o allow t heir hands t o work for t hem. Keep t hem calm when
circumst ances dict at e (for example, when showing empat hy), but for t he most part , employ
t hem. People who dont use t heir hands or who hide t hem are not as well received as t hose
who do. The most persuasive public speakers are t rained t o use t heir hands t o grab at t ent ion,
emphasize import ant point s, and infuse t heir messages wit h memorable emot ion.
If you are going t o manage people or sell a product , learn t o use your arms and hands as
emblems for your message, as frames t o bracket t hought s, as bat ons t o carry cadence, as
cushions t hat show empat hy, as hallmarks of st rengt h, and where needed as billboards of
humilit y.
In privat e set t ings, mirror your companions level of hand movement t o est ablish comfort
and t rust . Remember, synchrony is harmony. Also not e where t ouch is appropriat e, as t here
are many t imes in a business set t ing where t ouch is absolut ely appropriat e: t o emphasize a
point , t o get at t ent ion, t o int erject , t o assist someone t o a podium, t o congrat ulat e. If it s
appropriat e and enhances communicat ion, it is proper.
One ot her not e about t he arms and hands: be careful about point ing. People do not like t o
be point ed at , and in some cult ures, point ing is considered ext remely offensiveso when in
doubt , dont point . A wiser way is t o point wit h t he full hand in t he vert ical or, bet t er yet , t he
palm-up posit ion: it get s t he same at t ent ion, yet it is perceived more warmly.
High-Confidence Hand Movement s
St eeplingt ouching t oget her t he out spread fingert ips (see figure 14)is an ext remely st rong
confidence display. Lawyers, judges, college professors, and company execut ives frequent ly
st eeple (whet her by t emperament or by t raining) t o indicat e confidence in t heir st at ement s,
t hinking, or posit ion. St eepling is done subconsciously, but it is universal and very significant .
St eepling shows t hat you are at ease wit h yourself, wit h your opinions, and wit h your t hought s.
There is a very good reason for st eepling: it magnifies your message. If you conduct
seminars, speak before groups, or are making a present at ion, st eeple where appropriat e t o let
ot hers know you are confident about what youre saying. Years ago someone prat t led t hat
public speakers should not st eeple. Wash t hat from your t hought s. We look for t his behavior t o
t ell us when someone really believes in what he or she is saying.
Incident ally, I find t hat st eepling is underut ilized by women, who could use it t o cult ivat e
parit y wit h t heir male colleagues. When wit nesses st eeple, jurors t end t o have great er
confidence in t heir t est imony. In a way, st eepling is t he opposit e of wringing your hands, which
is a way of saying I have doubt s or I have no confidence.

fig. 14

Steepling demonstrates confidence and focus. It is one of the most powerful displays we
can use to convince others of our confidence.
Thumbs are at t heir best when t heyre up or out . Int erlaced hands wit h t humbs up (see
figure 15) show confidence. Not ice how oft en doct ors or high-st at us individuals t alk wit h t heir
t humbs st icking out of t heir pocket s. When we hide our t humbs (t ry it : place your t humbs in
your pocket s and let your fingers hang t o t he side), t he message is much different . We look
insecure (see figure 16). Dont hide your t humbs when applying for jobs or when in a leadership
posit ion; it undermines your credibilit y. In meet ings, wat ch t he hands of people at t he t able.
The t humbs will oft en hide under t he ot her digit s when people feel insecure (see figure 17).
Low-Confidence, Pacifying Hand Movement s
A person may exhibit low confidence or relieve st ress by using a variet y of hand-rubbing
movement s, including rubbing t he palms t oget her or rubbing t he fingers of one hand against
t he palm of t he ot her (see figure 18). The speed and pressure of t hese movement s is
governed by t he degree of limbic arousal. The fingers may int ert wine while rubbing, result ing in
hand-wringingsomet hing we all recognize as demonst rat ing deep, almost prayerful concern
(see figure 19).

fig. 15

Thumbs up, as with other gravity-defying gestures, demonstrates in real time that we are
confident at that moment.


fig. 16

Avoid having thumbs in the pockets; it makes you look very insecure.


fig. 17

Seen during the ebb and flow of a conversation, thumbs down indicates lack of
confidence and/or lack of emphasis.
The most ext reme form of st ress relief or self-soot hing I have found is when people st roke
t heir hands back and fort h wit h int erspersed and st raight ened fingers (see figure 20). This
behavior is somet hing usually seen only when someone is experiencing deep emot ional st ress
or insecurit y. I find it ext remely accurat e in revealing t ension wait ing t o be released. The
message is, I have grave concerns or doubt .
Wat ch for changes in hand movement as indicat ive of limbic shift s; for example, if a
persons hands go from being relaxed and calm t o engaging in rubbing or wringing. Conversely,
if t he hands freeze, suddenly st op moving, become rest rict ed in mot ion, or are wit hdrawn t o
hide in t he lap, t hese responses show low confidence or discomfort wit h what is going on.
When conduct ing int erviews during my FBI days, I looked for hands t hat disappeared from
viewespecially when int erviewees would sit on t hem. Rest raining t he hands is a good
indicat or of high discomfort and is somet hing we oft en see in people who are lying or got
caught doing somet hing wrong. Sit t ing on t he hands is oft en comfort ing t o t he insecure
because it forces t he shoulders up t oward t he ears, which is a prot ect ive display of low
confidence and insecurit y.

fig. 18

Anxiety and nervousness are relieved by stroking our fingers across the palm or by
rubbing our hands together.


fig. 19

Hand-wringing is a universal sign of worry, concern, or anxiety.


fig. 20

Rubbing extended, interlaced fingers denotes a high degree of anxiety, discomfort, or
stress.

A Touchy Subject
Weve t alked about how t he hands are used in self-comfort ing, but t hey also enable us,
lit erally, t o connect wit h ot hers. Research shows t hat being t ouched is essent ial for our healt h.
We know it lowers our heart rat e, reduces anxiet y, increases life expect ancy, and promot es
bonding. When we t ouch, endorphins are released, in part icular oxyt ocin, which promot e
bonding (first bet ween parent and child, t hen wit h siblings, lat er wit h mat es. Researchers have
found t hat t ouch is essent ial for children, especially t o develop t heir social skills as well as t heir
IQ; children who go wit hout t ouch lit erally wast e away emot ionally and int ellect ually. But our
need for physical cont act doesnt st op wit h yout h; it cont inues t hroughout life.
I believe t hat respect ful, appropriat e t ouch has a place in t he business world. The key, as
wit h all nonverbals, lies in underst anding ot hers comfort level, social norms, and cont ext . My
friends know t hat I am a hugger by nat ure, but Im aware t hat many people dont appreciat e
close physical cont act . One of t he t asks of nonverbal int elligence is t o discern and respect
peoples individual needs for dist ance and cont act . Visit a ret irement home and youll see t he
t remendous need t he elderly have for cont act and t ouch, which is why visit ing t herapy dogs
have become so import ant .
Cont ext ually, we need t o recognize what is appropriat e in a business set t ing, what is
proper bet ween male and female workers, and what is accept ed wit hin different cult ures. An
abrazo, for example, is a hug commonly exchanged bet ween males in Lat in America, in which
t heir chest s meet and t heir arms encircle each ot hers backs.
Use your powers of observat ion t o gauge comfort level wit h t ouching. When in doubt , err
on t he side of caut ion. As I ment ioned in What Every Body Is Saying, an excellent nont ouch
way t o est ablish limbic comfort when meet ing a st ranger is t o approach wit h your arms relaxed
(I am calm), vent ral side exposed (I t rust you), and if possible wit h your palms visible (I will
not hurt you). Aft er shaking hands, st ep slight ly t o t he side and back and see what happens. If
t he ot her person moves closer t o you or away from you, t hat indicat es t heir spat ial needs. For
informat ion on shaking hands, see chapt er 7.
I hope t hat by increasing nonverbal int elligence wit hin t he business communit y, we will
learn how t o use t ouch as it s meant t o be usedt o fost er posit ive connect ionsrat her t han
as a way t o int imidat e or exploit . It has it s place, it is used around world, and it has it s efficacy,
so long as it is done for t he right purpose: t o furt her communicat ion.
THE HEAD, FACE, AND NECK
We are incredibly ast ut e at reading facial expressionsif we choose t o heed what we see.
Even babies recognize facial expressions: make mean faces at a baby and t he baby will cry.
For our species survival, t he abilit y t o read faces was paramount t o forming cooperat ive bonds,
t ransmit t ing vit al informat ion, and organizing against danger. The face, wit h it s int ricat e web of
muscles, is capable of t housands of expressions t hat communicat e our feelings, t hought s, and
emot ions in real t ime. Our facial muscles, t hrough t heir almost limit less variet y of movement s
and movement combinat ions, enable us t o communicat e an impressive st ream of nonverbal
informat ion in a mat t er of seconds.
Precisely because facial expressions are so import ant in human int eract ion, we learn early
in life t o keep our t rue sent iment s from showing on our faces. For t his reasonand because
facial expressions are so varied and subt leit s import ant t o pay part icular at t ent ion t o
microexpressions and t o assess t he face in concert wit h t he ot her body nonverbals weve
discussed: t he responsive t orso, t he expressive arms and hands, and t he honest feet .
Also pert inent is t he Rule of Mixed Signals: when t heres a mismat ch bet ween
someones facial expression and t heir words, or if you see conflict ing facial cues of comfort and
discomfort , go wit h t he discomfort cues first . Heres why: t he subconscious limbic react ion
always t rumps t he conscious verbal response in speed and honest y, and nonverbals of
discomfort t rump expressions of pleasure for t he same reasons. Many t imes people grudgingly
put on a happy face aft er displaying how t hey really feel. No mat t er what t hey say, t hat look
of disgust , disdain, disappoint ment , or indifference t hey flashed was correct ly observed.
The Head and Neck
We t ilt our head only when we feel very comfort able, especially around ot hers (see figure 21).
Tilt ing exposes t he neck, t he most vulnerable part of our body (passageways for air, food,
blood, and nerve signals are all concent rat ed here). I oft en say t hat it s nearly impossible t o t ilt
our head when anxious, fearful, or in t he presence of someone we dislike or dont know. Try it
and see. Which is why, in business, you want t o see t hat t ilt ed head, indicat ing t hat you are
being received warmly.
Also look for any t ouching of t he neck area, as t his is a clear self-pacifying gest ure t hat
has great significance (see figure 22). Covering part s of t he neck or t he neck dimple (t he
suprast ernal not chsee figure 23) is a part icularly t elling response t o st imulus t hat t he limbic
syst em regards as unusual and requiring at t ent ion. We usually t ouch our neck only when
somet hing dist urbs us, t hreat ens us, confuses us, is pot ent ially a t hreat , or whenfor
what ever reasonwe feel insecure. Biologically it makes sense; t his is t he most vulnerable part
of our body.
A furrowed forehead is a common nonverbal t hat depends on cont ext for int erpret at ion. It
could, for example, indicat e concent rat ion, concern, confusion, sadness, or anger. If followed by
head t ouching, it usually indicat es somet hing is t roubling.

fig. 21

Head tilt communicates effectively, I am listening, I am comfortable, I am receptive, I am
friendly. We reserve exposing our necks for friendly individuals and environments.
Like ot her up nonverbals (for example, t oes, arms, t humbs), an up-t ilt ed chin is a gravit y-
defying gest ure signifying confidenceso much so t hat it is associat ed wit h snobbery, as in
looking down ones nose. Chin-high behaviors are especially prevalent in Europe and are a
required formalit y in Russian t roops when on display.
A t ucked chin minimizes neck exposure, similar t o t he t urt le ret reat ing int o it s prot ect ive
shell when perceiving a t hreat . When we t uck our chins in, we lack confidence.

fig. 22

Neck touching is a good indicator of emotional discomfort, doubt, or insecurity.


fig. 23

Touching or covering of the neck dimple (suprasternal notch) communicates insecurity,
discomfort, fear, or concerns in real time.

The Eyes: Blocks, Blinks, Squint s, and Ot her Dist ancing Behaviors
Our eyes are our great est conduit of informat ion about t he world around us and, t o some
ext ent , t he world wit hinbut not in ways you may imagine. We cover our eyes when we see,
hear, or find somet hing disagreeable or fright ening. The gest ure may be as fleet ing as a t ouch
t o an eyelid or as dramat ic as burying t he face in t he hands.
Eye-blocking behaviors are so reflexive and ubiquit ous t hat t his nonverbal is, paradoxically,
easy t o miss. Yet t hese behaviors are so profound t hat children born blind will oft en cover t heir
eyes when t hey hear somet hing t hey dont like. That means it really is hardwired in our brains.
If you observe eye-blocking behaviors (see figures 24, 25, 26, and 27), examine t he event s t hat
immediat ely preceded it usually somet hing is at issue.
Similarly, our blink rat e, also cont rolled by t he limbic syst em, increases when were having
difficult ies, whet her as t he result of feeling overall discomfort , receiving dist ast eful informat ion,
or ut t ering unpleasant informat ion. It is a very clear indicat or of discomfort . You may not ice it in
someone who is feeling nervous when giving a present at ion; in a colleague who doesnt
appreciat e a coworkers off-color joke; in a public figure who is asked a point ed quest ion at a
press conference; in yourself as you t ry t o express a t hought . Do not ignore t his nonverbal; it is
highly reliable and useful in pinpoint ing areas of concern in relat ionships.

fig. 24

Eye blocking instantly communicates, I dont like what I just heard, saw, or learned.


fig. 25

Touching of the eyes during a conversation may indicate a need to pacify negative
feelings.


fig. 26

When the eyelids are delayed in opening, it is suggestive of hiding negative emotions.


fig. 27

Compressed eyelids are evidence of strong negative emotions or loss.
An ext ension of a rapid blink rat e is eyelid flut t er, oft en observed in people who st ut t er,
who are st ruggling t o say somet hing, or who have made a t errible mist ake. People who are
suddenly asked for informat ion will do t his, as will t hose t rying t o find t he right words. I would
not direct ly at t ach any connot at ion of decept ion t o t his, because everyone does it under t he
right circumst ances.
Alt hough rapid blinking is not direct ly relat ed t o decept ion, it can raise suspicion. I once
went t o t rial on an espionage case wit h an assist ant U.S. at t orney who had just got t en a new
prescript ion for cont act lenses. His blink rat e was off t he chart . I could see t hat t he jury was
looking at him suspiciously. I suggest ed t hat he front t his informat ion t o t he jury t o allay any
mist rust his blink rat e might have aroused. When he welcomed t he jury in his opening remarks,
he said, If you see me blinking a lot , it s because I have new cont act lenses. The jury members
visibly relaxed, nodding in approval and sympat hy.
Squint ing, t oo, is a common and revealing blocking behavior. We squint t o ward off
unpleasant nessdust ; sunlight ; confusion; a negot iat ion point we dont like; t he dent ist t elling
us t hat we need a root canal; or t he sight of someone we dislike. It may appear and vanish in a
fract ion of a second or it may cont inue while t he discomfort (t he loud music; t he screaming
t oddler) persist s. When accompanied by lowered eyebrows (see figure 28), t he message of t his
nonverbal is int ensified. Like t he eye blink, squint ing is a nonverbal t hat shouldnt be ignored.

fig. 28

Squinting along with furrowing of the forehead and facial contortions are indicative of
distress or discomfort.
The eye it self responds when exposed t o posit ive or negat ive st imulusbe it bright light ,
bad news, dist urbing t hought s, or t he face of someone we lovein t he form of pupilary dilat ion
and const rict ion. While our pupils will init ially dilat e t o admit as much light as possible t o help
t he brain process what we see, if t he st imulus is judged t o be negat ive, our pupils will t hen
cont ract t o narrow our focus so we can see t he t hreat as clearly as possible in order t o flee
or fight .
Because t hey change in milliseconds and because some eye colors obscure t hem, pupil
react ions can be difficult t o discern. But it s precisely t his changeabilit y, and t he fact t hat we
cannot cont rol pupil movement , t hat makes t his nonverbal a remarkable baromet er of our inner
st at e.
A sideways glance coupled wit h a sideways t ilt of t he head equals looking askance. It
indicat es a cert ain degree of skept icism or disbelief. Next t ime youre in a meet ing, look around
t he t able while someone is speaking, and you may well find t his nonverbal t ell on more t han a
few faces.
The Eyes: Posit ive Expressions
It s oft en said of lovers: They couldnt t ake t heir eyes off each ot her. True enough: gazing
int o t he eyes is a court ship clich. As you now know, our pupils dilat e t o t ake in what
capt ivat es us, so lovers prolonged gazing should come as no surprise. But it s also t rue t hat
we keep an eye on people and sit uat ions we dont t rust . Only when we t ruly relax wit h one
anot her do we have t he limbic luxury of being able t o look away in reflect ion. The comfort able
eye gaze is one where t he muscles around t he eyes are relaxed and t he eyes move freely,
neit her st aring fixedly nor shift ing rapidly.

fig. 29

The arching of the eyebrows is a gravity-defying nonverbal, usually associated with very
positive emotions and genuine greetings.
Arched eyebrows are a gravit y-defying nonverbal in which t he eyes open wide, lit erally
helping us let in more light and signaling recognit ion of ot hers. This is why we arch our
eyebrows upon seeing family or good friends (see figure 29). The moment we spot our college
roommat e at a reunion or see a loved one ent er t he room, our brows arch and our pupils dilat e
t o t ake in t his pleasurable event . A spect acular variant is flashbulb eyes, in which t he
eyebrows rise quickly and dramat icallyt hink about t he last t ime you at t ended a surprise
birt hday part y and t he birt hday boy or girl walked in.
You can use t hese nonverbals select ively t o emphasize your point s and communicat e
t hat you feel posit ive about what youre saying.

fig. 30

We crinkle our noses from childhood on to indicate dislike or disgust. As adults we still
do it, only more briefly.

The Nose
Most people ignore t he nose, yet t here is informat ion t o be garnered t here, t oo. The sides of
our nose (t he naral wings) oft en dilat e and pulse when were get t ing ready t o do somet hing
physical. This is a form of oxygenat ing and is oft en a good int ent ion cue t hat somet hing
physical (for example, get t ing up, walking out , fight ing) is about t o t ake place.
Because of t he t housands of nerve endings in t he nose, we oft en crinkle our nose upward
when we smell or det ect somet hing t hat is rot t en. Int erest ingly, we also exhibit t his same
gest ure when we t hink a deal st inks or when we dont like somet hing t hat we see or even
hear (figure 30).
The Mout h
Weve given (and received) bot h: t he t ight , polit e false smile t o someone we dont know well or
dont like; t he sunny t rue smile best owed on t hose we t rust and like. The differences lie in t he
recruit ment of t he eye muscles (t he orbicularis oculi, t o be exact ).
In t he false smile, t he corners of t he mout h draw st raight back, t he lips may remain closed,
and t here is minimal engagement of t he eyes. You could say t hat t he limbic syst em is going
t hrough t he mot ions.
In t he t rue smile, t he lips are drawn upward t oward t he cheekbones, revealing t he t eet h,
and t he muscles around t he eyes are engaged, creat ing smile lines around t he eyes. The
eyes show posit ive emot ion: pupils dilat e t o open up t o t he experience, and t he eyebrows
may rise, adding excit ement t o t he equat ion. There is no nonverbal more powerful, more
disarming, or more welcome t han t he t rue smile.
Conversely, we close our mout hs when we are dist ressed; t his is a very primit ive blocking
react ion of our limbic brain. Not only will t he mout h close, but t he lip muscles will t ight en. As
st ress increases, t he lips vanish by degrees in st riking concert wit h our level of discomfort : full
lips become compressed lips, which become disappearing lips (see figures 31, 32, and 33: Full
Lips; Lip Compression; and Disappearing Lips).
When dist ress is ext reme, or negat ive emot ions are deeply felt , t he lips act ually disappear
and t he corners of t he mout h reverse dramat ically int o an upside-down U shape (see figure
34).

fig. 31

We have full lips when feeling contented or not stressed.


fig. 32

Stress or fear causes the lips to tighten.


fig. 33

Disappearing lips are associated with stress or anxiety.


fig. 34

Deep emotional agony will cause the lips to disappear and draw the corners of the mouth
downward like an upside-down U, as in this instance when Bill Clinton reluctantly
announced that his wife, Hillary, was ceding the U.S. presidential nomination to Barack
Obama.
Sadly, we oft en see t hese nonverbals depict ed in our news st ories, from soldiers grieving
t he loss of t heir comrades, t o disast er survivors grappling wit h devast at ion, t o public figures
divulging financial or sexual misconduct .
During conversat ions, negot iat ions, and present at ions, wat ch for pursed lips. This
nonverbal offers vit al clues t o issues of disagreement or alt ernat ive t hinking, which you can
t hen address going forward. Derived in part from our limbic need t o keep dist ast eful t hings out
of our mout hs (pict ure t rying t o feed broccoli t o a young child who react s by pursing her lips),
t his behavior st ays wit h us well int o adult hood, where it s oft en seen in meet ings when we
disagree wit h what someone is saying.
Lip licking or plucking, nail bit ing, and chewing (on t he lips, pen caps, pencils, or gum) are
self-pacifying behaviors t o relieve st ress. These behaviors of t he lips and t ongue massage t he
nerve-rich areas of t he mout h and are grown-up variant s of t he sucking reflex we engaged in
as infant s, which nourished us physically while it nurt ured us emot ionally by t riggering t he
release of calming neurochemicals. So innat e is sucking t hat we even engage in it in t he womb:
wit ness Lennart Nilssons famous phot ograph of t he fet us sucking it s t humb.
It s nat ural t o moist en t he lips when nervousness makes our mout h dry, but t oo much lip
licking (pacifying behavior) bet rays inordinat e t ension, which does not inspire confidence in t he
business world. Nail bit ing and chewing are part icularly associat ed wit h insecurit y; if t hese are
habit s of yours, t hey det ract from your professional image and you should t ake st eps t o curb
t hem.
The sneer (see figure 35) is an expression of disrespect , cont empt , or disdain t hat is oft en
fleet ing but is powerfully indicat ive of a persons t rue sent iment s. We see it in workers who feel
put -upon by t he demands of client s or bosses; in disrespect ful employees who display it
furt ively; in salespeople who are bot hered t hat you would ask for t heir assist ance. A friend of
mine t old me t hat years ago, a doct or asked her an innocuous-sounding quest ion about her
weight accompanied by a sneer. She changed doct ors and has never forgot t en t he incident .

fig. 35

Disrespect, contempt, or disdain are communicated through sneers. A sneer says, I
dont respect you.
By t he way, I would never hesit at e t o t ell people, and t heir boss, t hat you did not
appreciat e t heir sneer, especially if it is t heir job t o assist you. The same goes for t he rolling of
t he eyes; it means I have cont empt , and you should have no hesit at ion about t elling
someone t hat you dont appreciat e t he gest ure, because you know what it means.
CLOTHES AND ACCESSORIES
The clot hes and accessories people wear oft en speak louder t han words about t heir int erest s,
affiliat ions, and what t hey want us t o know about t hem. In t his sect ion, Ill discuss how our
limbic st at e is revealed by our behavior wit h t hese it ems. For a discussion of how you can use
clot hing and accessories t o manage ot hers percept ions of you, see chapt er 5.

fig. 36

Adjusting of clothing (buttons or sleeves), especially around the neck area (tie), indicates
insecurity.
We oft en manipulat e our clot hes and accout rement s t o self-pacify or t o preen in order t o
get not iced. We may calm ourselves by t ouching or manipulat ing a belt or cuff link; t oying wit h
a wrist wat ch or bracelet ; playing wit h a jacket zipper, necklace, or scarf; t ouching our earlobe or
earrings; or adjust ing our t ie or t he collar of our blouse or shirt (see figure 36). We may
vent ilat e by placing our finger bet ween collar and neck and pulling t he fabric away, or by
lift ing our hair off our neck.
Common blocking behaviors include shielding t he t orso wit h a shoulder bag, shoulder
briefcase, or not ebook; using our arms as barriers; and (somet imes, as not ed earlier) but t oning
t he jacket or t ugging at t he jacket front in order t o shield us.
We may engage in preening behavior, such as fixing our hair, smoot hing our skin or our
clot hes, or even framing our genit als (a dominance display charact erized by t he t humbs
hooked in t he waist band, fingers point ing down). Perhaps you t hink t he lat t er behavior is rare in
public, but I recent ly saw it at a press conference, unconsciously displayed by one of t he key
st affers grouped around t he execut ive.
Healt hy individuals maint ain t heir good grooming. We preen ourselves (fixing a t ie, picking
off lint ) t o perfect our appearance so ot hers will not ice us (birds also do t his). This is somet hing
I t each at t orneys t o do, especially when t he jury walks int o t he room. By posit ively preening
(pressing t heir clot hes against t heir body, pulling up on t heir belt ), t hey are t ransmit t ing: I care.
As such, appropriat e preening has a role in t he workplace.

AS YOU pract ice your skills of nonverbal observat ion, youll st art t o not ice more and more
examples of how t he body t alks in every int eract ion of life. You may not always remember t he
t echnical t erms, but soon youll find yourself observing ot hers more precisely. Wit h t ime and
pract ice, your nonverbal int elligence will enable you t o read bet ween t he lines as t he meaning
of t his silent conversat ion bet ween individuals becomes increasingly clear: people connect ,
draw away, reapproach, suddenly wit hdraw, and just as suddenly open up again.
In t he next chapt er, youll begin t o mast er t he art of your own nonverbal communicat ions,
init iat ing behaviors t hat communicat e who you are at your best ; inspiring ot hers t o view you as
a leader, t o accept your aut horit y, and t o comfort ably place t heir t rust in you. In a business
world where t he skills required for success seem t o change daily and t he mandat e for
cust omer ret ent ion grows ever more urgent , t here is no more import ant requirement t han t o be
able t o communicat e effect ively nonverbally.
PART II

APPLIED NONVERBAL INTELLIGENCE

4

THE POWER OF YOUR BEHAVIOR
THE CROWD had been gat hering out side t he court house all day, an ominous human wave
surging around t he building. Now t hey numbered in t he t housands. As t heir numbers had
increased, so had t heir rage and boldness: chant ing, screaming, and invect ives filled t he air. It
was 1985, and Puert o Rican nat ionalist s were prot est ing out side t he federal court house in San
Juan. A few dozen of us remained inside t he building. The prot est had been going on for hours,
and people in t he court houseincluding some nervous FBI agent swere becoming
concerned. Many young agent s had never been exposed t o an unruly mob of t his size. It was a
very host ile scene t hat could, at any moment , t urn violent .
Suddenly Richard Held, our special agent in charge, st ood up in front of us and said, Look,
t his will all quiet down. The crowd has not grown in t he last t wo hours. It is just anot her day;
just do your job. Wit h t hat , he exit ed st raight int o t he screaming mob. He just walked out t here
as if not hing was going on, at t ending t o business as usual.
You cannot imagine t he impact t his had on t hose of us t here. To observe our leader face
t his sit uat ion head-on, demonst rat ing absolut e calm and confidence, was awe inspiring. By
moving int o t hat furious crowd as t hough t here was not hing t o worry about , he raised our
spirit s, set a powerful example, and gained our profound respect in a way t hat mere words
could never have achieved.
His act ions provide a prime example of t he fact t hat our personal nonverbal
communicat ion is not only about our body movement s, but also about how we act , how we
behave, and how we comport ourselves. Yes, our bodies are const ant ly t ransmit t ing
informat ion, whet her we want t hem t o or not , but so are our act ions, which are driven by yet
anot her nonverbal: our at t it ude. We have evolved t o communicat e our feelings and t hought s
t hrough bot h our unconscious and conscious act s. When vet erans t ell war st ories, African
Bushmen t ell of t he hunt , or businesspeople swap t ales of high point s of mast ery and
leadership, t hey are t alking about defining moment s forged by defining act ions. We are known,
and we know each ot her, not just by what we say, but also by what we do every day.
You can t ry t o conceal your nonverbalsheaven knows poker players and criminals t ry
but in t he end, t he t rut h leaks t hrough. How exquisit e it is t hat all behavior has meaning. How
wonderful it is t hat our every act ion conveys a message, oft en so nuanced as t o be difficult t o
capt ure in words. Imagine how exhaust ed we would be if we had t o say everyt hing t hat our
bodies communicat e so freely.
Recent ly, before giving a t alk, I was helping out by placing handout s on t he chairs of
conference at t endees. One of t hem who had arrived early came up t o me and wit hout a word
of int roduct ion said, Here, let me help you. He didnt have t o t ell me what kind of person he is;
I can t ell from his act s, as Im sure his employer also can.
What do your behaviors communicat e about you, your at t it ude, your work et hic, your
feelings, and your int ent ions? These are valid quest ions because in many indust ries, how were
perceived will det ermine our success. Saying t o someone, You can t rust me just doesnt cut
it ; t hey have t o see t hat t hey can t rust you. Saying, I am a devot ed worker is not t he same as
demonst rat ing your dedicat ion. It is your at t it ude in act ion over t ime t hat will be remembered. In
business it s called reput at ion or professionalism. In life, it s called charact er.
We can profoundly influence how were perceived by using what I call t he nonverbals of
success. These encompass many facet s, but probably t he most import ant is how we present
overall.
HOW YOU PRESENT
Weall of usare const ant ly under scrut iny, no mat t er how high or low we are in an
organizat ion. We are being observed t o see if we look sharp or dreadful, present able or dreary,
alert or t ired, int erest ed or bored, confident or t imid, informed or confused, respect ful or
disdainful, and on and on. This we cannot escape; it is part of what we do. So how do you
present ? Do you look like a leader or a follower, compet ent or incompet ent ?
Look at individuals who have achieved great success and not ice t hat t hey project a
cert ain demeanor. Here is one of my favorit e examples. His family is from Jamaica; he grew up
in t he Sout h Bronx in New York Cit y. When he walks int o a room, he exudes confidence and
t rust wort hiness; he commands at t ent ion and respect ; he is self-assured yet humble; he is
smoot h, court eous, and alluringall of t hat , before he even opens his mout h. When he does,
he seduces wit h his int ellect , his wit , his ment al agilit y, and his verbal poise.
Wow, if we could all have t hose at t ribut es, we t oo would sit on t he board of many wort hy
organizat ions! The man I refer t o is Colin Powell, former secret ary of st at e and chairman of t he
Joint Chiefs of St aff, among his many achievement s. How did he go from being a kid in t he
Bronx t o Viet nam soldier t o commanding high office? He worked hard and mirrored t hose he
admired who had been successful. He learned in t he milit ary how t o lead by example, and he
developed a persona wort hy of emulat ion. He mast ered t hose t hings t hat mat t er t he most ,
including t he nonverbals of success. Let s now look at how you can posit ively present yourself
by focusing on a few basic, yet crit ical, nonverbals.
YOUR STATE OF MIND
The nonverbals of success st art wit h your st at e of mind. You must want t o change how ot hers
see you and how you see yourself. Want ing t o change is crucial, because changing how you
are perceived always begins wit h you. When I say t his t o my st udent s, t hey somet imes
respond, Well, so-and-so worked out of his garage and now he has a billion dollars, and he
wears jeans and doesnt have t o worry about his image. To which I say, People wit h success
st ories like t hat are few in t his worldand by t he way, you are not one of t hem, and neit her am
I. Singularly unique people who can go from basement workshop t o billion-dollar success are
really t he except ion t o t he rules t hat govern most of us. In fact , as I writ e t his chapt er, St eve
Jobs has announced t hat he is st epping down t emporarily so he can t end t o a very serious
ailment . Consequent ly, Apple Inc. and it s shareholders are ext remely anxious because t here is
only one St eve Jobs. Period, end of st ory. The rest of us not only have t o abide by societ ys
rules in order t o get ahead, but we have t o excel at t hem, t oo.
The except ion is never t he rule. Therefore, you and Imere mort alsmust exercise t he
nonverbals of success if we are in t he business of achieving success. No mat t er what business
you are in, you can t ake it t o a different level and go from good t o great t o except ionaljust
t hrough your nonverbals.
I oft en t each seminars in Las Vegas and Ive come t o be friends wit h an amazing man who
works as a parking valet . He makes somewhere bet ween $300 and $500 a day, minimum
yes, parking cars. One day, I asked him how he earns so much more t han t he ot her at t endant s.
In a nut shell, heres what he said:
I always make sure my shoes are clean, because no one wants to see my shoe prints on
their mat. I wipe the sweat off my forehead often, as no one wants my sweat in their car.
The other guys unbutton their shirts, but I make sure mine is buttoned, no matter how hot
no one wants to see chest hairs. When customers give me their keys, I sprint to get the car
it lets them know I care about their time. When I bring the car, as I open the door I am
wiping down the stick shift and the steering wheel with the chamois, getting rid of any
fingerprints. Lastly, I always say, Please drive safe.
This man has elevat ed his job t o a new level by at t ending t o t he t hings t hat mat t er most
t o his client s: his overall appearance, his performance, and what he says. Not ice how many of
t hese are nonverbals t hat say, What you value is import ant t o me. I have repeat edly seen
people wit h t heir t ip already in hand dig in t heir pocket s for ext ra money when t hey see t his
man wiping down t heir st eering wheel. So lit t le effort ; so much reward. The nonverbals of
success are not just for t he corporat e elit e; t hey are for all of us, in t he same way t hat good
manners are for all of us.
Do you run your own business? Do you manage someone elses money? Are you a
banker? Do you pract ice law? Are you in a healing profession? Do you sell insurance or
propert y? What ever it is t hat you do, even if you park cars, you can always improve upon your
nonverbals. That s what different iat es you from ot hers. That s how you go from good t o
except ional. If you have t he st at e of mind t o change how you are perceived, t hen your
nonverbals will change, and so will ot hers percept ion of you.
ATTITUDE IS A NONVERBAL
At t it ude wins games; it defeat s enemies; it garners friendships; it lands cont ract s; it makes
sales happen; it allows people t o t rust you; it is t hus no small mat t er. At t it ude is somet hing
t hat we cont rol, t hat we can harness, and in a sense it is so much easier t o get t han an
academic degree, yet it can be so much more invaluable. At t it ude is a nonverbal; probably t he
most subt le one we have t o mast er.
I was recent ly cont act ed by a t elevision producer who want ed t o develop a segment on
what we can do t o make ourselves more appealing t o a prospect ive employer, especially in
t hese t imes of economic upheaval. My first response: at t it ude. That s what everyone I have
t alked t o so far has said, she comment ed. That s a clue! Where t wo people have t he same
skill set and experience, at t it ude makes t he difference.
Is t here a value at t ached t o at t it ude? Is it rewarded wit h a medal or a plaque? If you ever
come t o Tampa, you will not ice t hat t here are no st at ues or plaques t o any war heroes, as you
might see in ot her cit ies. There is only one plaque downt own, and it is at t he corner of East
Madison and Nort h Franklin St reet s, embedded in t he sidewalk. It is dedicat ed t o Mary Hadfield
Wat t . Who is t hat ? you ask. Was she a famous Sout herner; did she discover a cure for a
disease? No. She is immort alized t here for one reason: her at t it ude. Mary was a fruit vendor on
t hat corner (t hey called her t he Fruit Lady), and when she died of cancer at t he age of t hirt y-
t hree, it was as if t he sun had been blot t ed from downt own Tampa. Her at t it ude, her abilit y t o
make ot hers happy, was so profound, so significant , t hat t he cit y felt obliged t o honor her. Here
was someone who achieved merit for being kind, for t he smile she brought t o ot hers, for her
at t it ude.
No one can imbue you wit h a great at t it ude, any more t han someone can make you give a
t rue smile. Your at t it ude is up t o you. All I can say is t his: If you want t o succeed in life, have a
great at t it ude. We all know a pessimist ic person or a boss wit h a t oxic at t it ude. All we want t o
do is get away from people like t hat , and we should. A great at t it ude opens doors and breaks
down barriers. It is more valuable t han a great int ellect . It brings out t he best in us, garners
good friendships, and makes people want t o be wit h and t rust us.
We also have t o be mindful t hat a good at t it ude, especially a great at t it ude, can slip away
during st ressful t imes. It has t o be safeguarded, even at t imes allowed t o heal. If you feel you
are lacking in t his area, find a role model, even if it is from afar, and t ry t o emulat e t hat model.
When someone says, He has a t errible at t it ude, t rust me, it s probably not what was said
so much as how it was said or what was done (or not done). What do your nonverbals say
about your at t it ude? What ever t hey are, t hey can always be bet t er. I work on mine every day.
Tell meno, bet t er yet , ask yourselfwhen you die, will a cit y erect a plaque in your
name?
SMILE
A smile can move mount ains and garner goodwill, yet people fail t o make t his simple gest ure. I
cant t ell you t he number of t imes Ive been greet ed by airline employees who cannot must er a
smile. But I do remember how bad t hey made me and ot hers feel. In a perfect world, we would
all be greet ed by a smiling face. People forget t hat from t he t ime we are born unt il we die, we
are moved and influenced by a smile. Our species t hrives on smiles: give one t o a baby or t o a
geriat ric pat ient and wat ch t he effect . A smile will cause t he release of endorphins t hat are
soot hing and comfort ing, at any age.
Spend a day observing smiles and youll be amazed at t he versat ilit y of t his single
nonverbal. Theres t he public smile we display when st rangers eyes meet on t he st reet : lips
closed, wit h t he corners of t he mout h pulled st raight back. Theres t he polite smile we use wit h
people we meet or know slight ly: we show our t eet h and t he lips curve upward modest ly.
Theres t he true smile we confer on t hose we admire, like, and love: fully showing t he t eet h; lips
st rongly curved; cheek and eye muscles engaged; wit h expression in t he eyes. But t here are
many shades of smiles in bet ween, including:


The fleet ing, nervous smile: Excuse me!
The lopsided, apologet ic smile: Wish I hadnt made t hat mist ake.
The raised-brows, quest ioning smile: Sound like a good idea?
The bared-t eet h, t ensed-jaw, false smile: I cant believe he just said t hat !
When you begin t o see smiles as t he powerful t ool t hey are for forging t he cooperat ive
bonds t hat are a hallmark of human social survival, you may begin t o use t hem more effect ively
yourself.
I t ell business execut ives t o make smiling a part of t heir repert oire, and a requirement for
all employees dealing wit h t he public. If t he employees wont do it ? Fire t hem! Why so harsh?
Because smiles are t hat significant : They humanize social int eract ion; t hey leave us feeling
good about you and your company. And t hey are so simple t o give t hat t heres really no
excuse for t he desperat e lack of t hem in t odays workplace. The first t ime I went t o Russia,
people t here were t alking about how much t hey liked going t o McDonalds because t he
employees t here act ually smiled (not a requirement under t he previous Soviet syst em); t hey
said not hing about t he food. Dont t ake my word for it ; t alk t o anyone who lived under Soviet
rule where t here were no smiles, and t hey will t ell you what a difference it was when West ern
shops opened, because clerks act ually smiled. You t ell me: Would you rat her be greet ed by
someone who genuinely smiles or by someone who looks pained by or indifferent t o your
presence?
Never underest imat e t he power of a smile. This simple gest ure can open opport unit ies,
minds, heart s, and goodwill.
THE POWER OF YOUR POSTURE AND STANCE
Your post ure and st ance, which can be observed from quit e a dist ance, can communicat e
meekness or aut horit y, confront at ion or cooperat ion, indifference or concern, boredom or
readiness, as well as rest lessness or cont ent ment . Your st ance can help t o dominat e a
sit uat ion or defuse it , simply by how you st and and where you place your feet . It can
demonst rat e vit alit y, eagerness, and capabilit y, or it can show lack of ent husiasm, illness, or
incompet ence.
Slouching, slumped shoulders, leaning when you should be st anding, or swaying side t o
side nervously may feel good t o you, but t hey do not engender t rust or confidence. These say
anyt hing from I dont care t o Im not capable. Cont rast t hese wit h st anding t all, chin level,
shoulders back yet relaxed, weight balanced on bot h feet . These say, Im alert , engaged, and
ready for anyt hing.
If your post ure and st ance are negat ively perceived, t hey can det ract from your image
before you even shake hands or speak a single word. We t end t o be persuaded by t hose we
view as aut horit at ive and compet ent t wo of t he key feat ures of leadership t hat we admire.
When people say nonverbals shouldnt mat t er, consider how were affect ed when we ent er a
meet ing, a st ore, or a rest aurant and spot across t he room t he person were t here t o see,
eit her in a post ure of eagerness and readiness or in one of indifference. Even from a dist ance,
it inst ant ly set s t he t one.
THE POWER OF YOUR MOVEMENTS
How quickly, effect ively, and smoot hly you move makes a big difference in how you are
perceived. Just aft er Christ mas, I went t o a nat ionally known sport s st ore t o ret urn an it em.
There were nine people ahead of me, and only one cashier handling sales and ret urns. Over
t he loudspeaker, t he manager ordered an employee by name t o go t o t he front of t he st ore.
We all wat ched as t his individual walked phlegmat ically (an apt image t o describe his
movement s) t o t he cash regist er area. It was incredible t o see all t hese people wait ing t o be
served, and t his employee slowly walking t o his post wit hout a care in t he world.
The ire of everyone in line, including me, was nearly palpable. Not surprisingly, t his workers
speed of service was equally slow. His movement s t old us exact ly what he t hought of us and
of his job. It was powerful proof of how our movement s are always revealing somet hing t o
ot hers about what we t hink and feelabout t hem, about our work, even about ourselves.
Slowness t ranslat es int o t angible losses: missed opport unit ies, bungled market ing
init iat ives, t ardy product launches, account ing errors, poor service, lat e arrivals or deliveries, and
ot her cost ly mist akes. I t ell managers t hat speed is crit ical t o an organizat ion. If t hey have
employees who cont inually dont measure up, I advise get t ing rid of t hem. Inept it ude is not fair
t o t he employer, t o t he ot her employees, andmost import ant t o cust omers.
Speed is oft en int ert wined wit h at t it ude. Bad at t it ude almost always t ranslat es int o poor
service. Given t odays highly compet it ive and abundant job pool, you can hire someone for t he
same wages wit h a bet t er at t it ude who will represent your business as it should be, and t o
whom speed is a valued premium.
MOVING OTHERS
Our movement s have powerful effect s on ot hers. Imagine ent ering a business meet ing and
having t he boss come over immediately t o shake your hand and welcome you. Cont rast t hat
wit h t he boss who sees you come in, makes marginal eye cont act , and makes no effort t o
greet you, or delays doing so. How would you feel in each scenario? Your movement s can have
similar impact s: t o impress and mot ivat e, or t o depress and demoralize.
I inst ruct at t orneys t hat when a jury comes int o t he court room, t hey should immediat ely
rise and not wait t o be ordered t o do so. The fast er t hey get up, t he bet t er received t hey will
be, because t he jury can see t hat t hey care. The same should hold t rue when addressing t he
court , I t ell t hem: St and up quickly and make your point each t ime as if every moment mat t ers
as in fact it should. Jurors are like everyone else: t hey hat e t o have t heir t ime wast ed.
Inact ion can be demoralizing: just t hink how many t imes we see an organizat ion send out
it s spokesman or someone else t o handle t he crowds so t he senior execut ives can hide like
cowards. That is a sign of t he failure of leadership t o rise and confront a sit uat ion squarely.
Think of t he crit icism Queen Elizabet h received because of her inact ion when Princess Di died.
By not coming out t o meet her grieving subject s, she received int ense scrut iny. All t hat was
warrant ed was a simple gest ureher public appearanceyet when it was not delivered t here
was a firest orm of crit icism. Inact ion is it self an act ion; a nonverbal t hat can unnerve, uninspire,
and even t hreat en t o unseat a monarch.
Rat her t han hide, leaders should be visible during crisis, using t he power of t heir
movement s t o move ot hers. The subt lest movement can be more powerful t han words. I can
st ill envision Richard Held walking fearlessly int o t hat angry crowd in San Juan. A simple walk
one foot in front of t he ot herand yet each st ep spoke volumes.
You can use t he power of movement t o change t he dynamics of a meet ing. When one of
my client s was deep in negot iat ions and was being hammered by t he ot her side, I secret ly
passed a message t o him t o simply get up and st and wit h his back against t he wall and
negot iat e from t hat st anding posit ion away from t he t able. As soon as he dist anced himself in
t his way, t he dynamic changed. Now st anding and commanding at t ent ion, he was able t o
bet t er cont rol communicat ions and in fact present ed his side more confident lysomet hing he
had been unable t o do while seat ed. In chapt er 7, youll learn addit ional ways t o use movement
t o favorably influence ot hers in specific business sit uat ions.
SMOOTH MOVEMENTS INSTILL CONFIDENCE, RESPECT, AND TRUST
We t ake no comfort in t hose who make unpredict able, jerky movement s. One day, wat ching a
const ruct ion crew, I not iced t he manager was moving about errat ically, making t heat rical,
almost hyst erical arm movement s as he yelled and complained t o t he workers. We all know or
have seen someone when t heyve lost it , and it isnt flat t ering. I could see t he frust rat ion and
lack of respect on t he faces of his work crew. The words his crew used about him aft er he left
cant be print ed here, ot her t han Ricochet Rabbit . Overly dramat ic hand movement s and
gest ures are dist ract ions t hat achieve lit t le beyond making ot hers lose respect for us.
As a former SWAT t eam commander, I can t ell you t hat during an operat ion t he last t hing
we want ed was someone whose act ions and gest ures were t heat rical, errat ic, impulsive, or
random. We respect individuals who, under t he worst of condit ions, project a sense of calm and
measured resolve. As we say in SWAT t raining, smoot h is fast . We want t o be smoot h at all
t imes, whet her drawing our weapons or at t ending t o our client ssmoot h is fast .
We lose respect for t he police officer, nurse, airline at t endant , securit y guard, t eacher, or
parent who loses it nonverbally. Yelling, screaming, seeming t o be frazzled, arms flailing, wildly
gest iculat ingall say I have lost cont rol. Who would willingly t rust or obey such a person? We
admire t he person who can keep t heir cool and t heir cont rol.
What endeared a lot of Americans t o Rudolph Giuliani aft er 9/11 was his seeming
unflappabilit y in t he face of everyt hing t hat happened t o New York Cit y and t he smoot h way
he seemed t o handle all t he event s. Similarly, we were mesmerized by US Airways pilot
Chesley B. Sully Sullenberger III, who smoot hly t ook over cont rol of his st ricken airplane and
execut ed a seemingly perfect landing on t he Hudson River. Smoot h is good, and t hat s what
t he best professionals do. They make it look easy when it s not .
THE POWER OF YOUR VOICE
It may seem paradoxical, but t here are nonverbals of t he voice. Why do newscast ers sound so
similar? Because t heyre t rying t o mirror a deep, mellifluous voice. Tom Brokaw, wit h whom Ive
had t he pleasure of working on several occasions, has t hat voice. It s like honey. We dont all
have t hat voice; I know I dont , but I t ry. I know my voice get s high when Im nervous, so I fight it
because I know t hat people cant st and a high-pit ched voice, and it does not garner respect .
During t he 2008 president ial campaign t here were many personal at t acks on Hillary
Clint on in t he media, including some by pundit s who found her voice annoying. It was a
reminder of how far women have come in leadership roles and how far t hey st ill have t o goin
t he publics opinion. Women should work on a neut ral t oneif your voice is perceived as
annoying, or if it s high, whining, or Valley Girl, you will be judged on it . Cult ivat ing a neut ral t one
of voice is good advice for men, t oo.
Research shows t hat when we dont like someones voice we t end t o t une t hem out or
ignore t hem complet ely. An unpleasing voice can alienat e and leave a bad impression. If you
were t o ask me whet her t o get a face-lift or spend some t ime refining your voice, Id say save
your money and work on your voice. I have t alked t o numerous newscast ers and TV
personalit ies who t old me t hat t his is somet hing t hat t hey worked on and mast ered. I heard
t he same t hing from female police officers, Marines, and pharmaceut ical represent at ives of
bot h genders. They work on t heir voice because it makes a difference. The lower and deeper
t he voice, t he bet t er.
Here are some brief not es on t he how and why of using your voice t o favorably affect
ot hers.

Many t imes, people hear our voice before t hey lay eyes on us. Impressions are made
t hen, and if your voice makes us squirm over t he phone, imagine our reluct ance t o
meet wit h you in person.
If you want t o get and keep peoples at t ent ion, lower, dont raise, your volume. A
lower, more deliberat e delivery lends emphasis, dignit y, and resolve t o our speech. It
is a count erint uit ive approach t hat is underut ilized in business and in life. Most
people t hink t hat power comes from loud words, screaming, or shout ing. It doesnt . I
see parent s at t he supermarket yelling at kids t o knock it off, or people yelling at
t heir disobedient dogs. Neit her t he inat t ent ive t eenager nor t he dog alt ers t he
misbehavior as t he volume rises. I am reminded of what a psychopat h once t old me:
I love it when cops st art yelling at me. Why? I asked, Because it means t hey
have lost cont rol. If you want people t o list en t o you and respect you, lower your
voice.
Pract ice verbal mirroring. In chapt er 1, I t alked about t he Rogerian met hod of
est ablishing rapport wit h ot hers by using t heir words: If t hey say my kids, you dont
say your children. If t hey say This is a problem, you dont say This is an issue.
Youd be surprised how well verbal mirroring will help you get on t he same
wavelengt h wit h ot hers.
Pauses and silence are powerful. They convey confidence and deliberat ion. Many
people want t o fill silences and avoid pauses, while a lit t le rest raint and more
t hought fulness might show t hem in a bet t er light . True, t alk is a pacifier when we are
nervous, but it can backfire. As Mark Twain once admonished, It s bet t er t o keep
your mout h shut and appear st upid t han t o open it and remove all doubt . A pause
can be a commanding negot iat ion t ool. Perhaps t he ot her part y, not as skilled at
nonverbals as you, will feel compelled t o jump in wit h a bet t er offer.
Speech hesit at ions are not t he same as pauses. Um, ah, and t hroat -clearings
signal a lack of confidence and wast e t ime, which no one will appreciat e. Think of
Caroline Kennedy, who was recent ly ridiculed for giving media int erviews full of
conversat ional padding such as um, like, and a plet hora of you knows. Root out
t hese fillers. If youre asked a quest ion you cant answer, it s bet t er simply t o say Im
on it or say t hat youll find out t he answer and get back t o t hem as quickly as you
can, t han t o hem and haw or make a long st at ement t hat t he issue is being
addressed; bot h lat t er responses will seem defensive.

ELOQUENCE INSPIRES
Wait a minut e; isnt eloquence a verbal? No, words are verbal; eloquence is how we speak, and
t hat is a nonverbal. One of t he t hings t hat got Barack Obama elect ed was his eloquence. We
admire eloquence because it is reassuring and t herefore soot hing t o us. We admire when
speakers are deliberat e, int erest ing, concise, and art iculat e, all of which make for eloquence.
Eloquence is admired around t he world; it resonat es in all of us.
Eloquence may not be your fort e; it isnt for most people. But it can be improved wit h
at t ent ion. Winst on Churchill was not ed for his eloquence and is one of t he most quot ed
individuals t o ever use t he English language, but t his facilit y did not come wit hout effort . Every
speech he gave, he rehearsed over and over. Every quip he made, he t hought t hrough ahead
of t ime. When he finally performed, he sounded brilliant . You can do t he same t hingisnt t hat
in fact what act ors do when t hey have rehearsals?
Few people are so clever t hat t hey can st and up and sound Churchillian. Before I give a
new speech, I rehearse what Im going t o say many t imes. Pract ice unt il your words and
gest ures become second nat ure. Do it alone or wit h a friend or family member, and ask for
candid feedback. List en t o how your words and your delivery act ually sound. Oft en, aft er
hearing yourself out loud, you may consider using anot her word, or perhaps changing t he
cadence of delivery. Remember, t oo, t o build in confidence displays as you rehearse and deliver
your speech. These will augment your words and make your present at ion even more eloquent .
THE POWER OF YOUR HABITS
Habit s communicat e a lot about us, and most of our habit s are nonverbal. You may never have
t hought about it t his way, but everyt hing you do is not iced. And any work rit ual you have
(when you arrive, when you eat lunch, how long you t ake, what t ime you leave, and so on)
quickly becomes a mat t er of record.
One company I deal wit h is a family business set up by t he fat her, who left it t o his oldest
son. Over t ime, t he ot her brot hers ent ered t he company. A problem has arisen: one of t he
younger brot hers feels he can get away wit h t hingscoming in lat e and slacking off. The
oldest brot her t old me, When my younger brot her shows up lat e, it affect s morale, because
ot her people in t he company are saying, How come hes get t ing a paycheck equal t o ours
when hes not pulling his weight ? I regret t hat when I brought my brot hers int o t he business, I
never said, Look, Im your brot her, but first and foremost Im t he head of t his company, and we
have t o run t his company. It s not a field t rip; it s not a club; it s a company.
We must never forget t hat employees are very sensit ive t o everyt hing t hat happens in
t he company environment . If t heres somebody who habit ually comes in lat e or frequent ly
leaves early, everybody will know it . It will insidiously undermine your company.
We all know people who always seem t o be t aking t oo-frequent smoke breaks or coffee
breaks, or who const ant ly float from cubicle t o cubicle want ing t o chat . The first t ime you run
int o t hese individuals, t heir friendliness may be a nice gest ure, but aft er a while, it s an
inconvenience. Dont be one of t hose people, and beware of associat ing wit h t hem, as you will
be perceived as t hey are. Flit t ing about an office is a nonverbal t hat says, My cares are more
import ant t han t he company t hat pays my salary.
Everyt hing you do wit hin an organizat ion will be not ed, and probably will be t alked about . If
you are in t he habit of wast ing t ime, arriving lat e, not finishing your assignment s, finding
excuses, never volunt eering, chat t ing wit h friends on t he phone, flirt ing, and so on, know t hat
t hese habit s will event ually prove t o be your downfall.
I find it int erest ing t hat FBI agent s who were successful while working for t he government
are also successful in ret irement . The ones who were always complaining about t heir cases or
t he burdens of t he job while in t he FBI are, not surprisingly, t he ones who have marginal jobs in
ret irement and are st ill complaining about somet hing. Old habit s die hard, and t hose who were
marginal t hen are marginal now because t hey never developed a work et hic for success.
TO BE SEEN AS A LEADER, YOU NEED TO BE SEEN
Leadership, as we all know, differs from management . To lead means t o t ake risks, t o
be in t he forefront , t o demonst rat e emot ional st abilit y in t he face of adversit y, t o
rouse emot ions powerfully t o lead t he way. This can be done nonverbally by being
t here for your employeeslit erally. When hope was all but lost during World War II,
Winst on Churchill, t hen in his sixt ies, must ered t he will of t he English people by
showing cont rol and confidence in t he face of danger. His willingness t o walk and be
seen where bombs had just fallen and where rocket s were t arget ed inspired millions.
He led by example. Dwight Eisenhower, who held t he t it le of Supreme Allied
Commander Europe, made himself accessible t o his men at all ranks. He was t here
wit h t he parat roopers before t hey launched t he invasion of Europe.
These leaders were using nonverbal communicat ions t o fort ify t heir verbal
message and t o creat e a visual message t hat st irs us even t oday. When we t hink of
powerful nonverbals from t hat war, what do we see? Eisenhower t alking t o t he
parat roopers; Pat t on waving t he t anks forward; MacArt hur walking on t he beaches. It
wasnt only what t hey were saying t hat was powerful; it was what t hey were doing.
Their visibilit y at t he helm inspired t heir t roops and encouraged t heir count rymen back
home. The very definit ion of leadership implies t hat you must be in front leading so
t hat ot hers will followsomet hing t hat was not lost on a t went y-t wo-year-old
Macedonian named Alexander (lat er dubbed t he Great ), who went on t o conquer, at
t hat t ender age, most of t he known world. He did so not by giving orders from t he
rear, like most of his adversaries, but rat her by lit erally leading his men int o bat t le. If
you want t o be a leader, lead and be visible. Dont hide in your office; walk t he floors
and t alk t o your st aff.

MANNERS ARE POWERFUL NONVERBALS
If you want t o see how powerful manners really are, work wit h or for someone who has t errible
mannerswho int errupt s, doesnt say please or t hank you, never says Im sorry, doesnt
help someone who is st ruggling t o carry packages or open a door or put on a coat , chews wit h
his mout h open, picks his t eet h at t he t able, or engages in any number of ot her t hought less
behaviors. Et iquet t e has an inaccurat e reput at ion as being st uffy at best conjuring fixat ions
on fingerbowls and which fork t o useand pass at worst . Not hing could be furt her from t he
t rut h. Et iquet t e, at it s foundat ion, is t he art of making people comfort able. It is about being
at t ent ive t o what is going on around youwhat in t he FBI we would call having sit uat ional
awarenessand considering how your act ions will affect ot hers. Part icularly in t odays diverse
societ y, when our life and work bring us in cont act wit h many whose cult ural and social
reference point s are unknown t o us, manners as defined in t his fundament al sense could not
be more relevant . It s not surprising t hat t he word prot ocol cont ains t he Greek root kolla,
meaning glueas manners are, in fact , t he glue t hat holds a diverse group t oget her. Many
books have been writ t en about et iquet t e, much of which is nonverbal. Find t he best resources
you can and st udy. I guarant ee youll learn t hings you didnt know. I cert ainly have.
THE COMPANY YOU KEEP: A NONVERBAL YOU MAY NOT HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT
The people you associat e wit h is a seldom-considered nonverbal. Based on my conversat ions
wit h managers, recruit ers, CEOs, and human resources personnel, I can confirm t hat who
people see you wit h can and does make a difference in how you are perceived.
No one wakes up in t he morning and says, I want t o hang out wit h t he most mediocre,
crass, inat t ent ive, unwort hy, slovenly, marginal worker I can find. We want t o be wit h
successful people. Yet how many workers hang out wit h individuals such as t hese? If you do,
you will be looked down upon. Not fair, you say? Youre right : life is not fair. You will be judged
by t he company you keep, and unwise choices can derail a career. This isnt about being elit ist ;
rat her, it s about being aware t hat t here are people around us who can bring us down because
of t heir behavior, not because of t heir posit ion, calling, or lot in life.
If youre a new employee, beware t he office loser, t he t imewast er or ineffect ual worker
everyone else is wise t o and avoids. I have been in organizat ions where t he new employee is
soon befriended by t he office incompet ent , who needs a buddy t o t alk t o. Out of graciousness,
t he new hire falls vict im t o t he insidious clinging of t his individual. Every organizat ion has
someone like t his. Beware of t hese individuals; t hey can have a negat ive impact on your work
and on how you are perceived.
Bear in mind t hat t here are basically t wo kinds of people in t his world: t hose who fill your
cup and t hose who drain it . Be aware of people who seek your friendship but at t he end of t he
day sap you of your energy, your t hought s, and your performance; t hey are draining you.
I have worked in places where it was a burden t o come in every day and hear t he griping
of t hose around me t o t he point where it affect ed group morale and our work; frankly, I felt as
t hough I were doing t herapy. You and I are not clinicians and we are not at work t o heal people.
If one or more of t hese individuals lat ch on t o you, t hey will not only sap your energy and
goodwill, but also lower your st anding wit hin t he organizat ion. That doesnt mean you
shouldnt t reat t hese people wit h kindness; it merely means you should rest rict your t ime wit h
t hem because t hey will bring you down.

AS YOU can see, t here is lit t le t hat escapes t he nonverbal realmfrom our st at e of mind and
at t it ude t o our voice. And while it may seem unnerving t o t hink t hat were always under
scrut iny, t here is power in realizing t hat how ot hers perceive and deal wit h us is dependent on
us, not t hem. Only you can cont rol how you are perceived.
Having consult ed wit h hundreds of organizat ions in more t han t went y count ries, I can
at t est t hat what I call t he nonverbals of business success are universal. Walk int o any office on
t his planet and youll soon sense t he winners and t he losers; t hose who seek excellence and
t hose who are mediocre; t hose who are et hical and t hose who are not . People will soon know
what you are all about . Their assessment will be based on t wo t hings: your skills, of course, but ,
more import ant , your nonverbals. If ot hers dont perceive you as someone t hey feel
comfort able wit h and t rust , no amount of professional skill will compensat e t he loss. Those
who ignore t his axiom do so at t heir professional peril.
How well you manage t he nonverbals of success will det ermine how you are received as
well as perceived, how you are t reat ed, and how you will be rewarded. If you demonst rat e only
performance, youll be one of many compet ent employees. But if you demonst rat e t he
nonverbals of business success, youll be recognized as except ional. The choice is always
yours, and it embraces everyt hing from your at t it ude t o your appearancewhich well explore
in t he next chapt er.
5

THE POWER OF HOW YOU LOOK
IN A quiet , almost ignoble corner, just behind t he securit y desk at t he giant CBS offices in New
York Cit y, sit s one of t he four original RCA TK-11A cameras t hat revolut ionized how we view
polit ics and polit icians t oday. On Sept ember 26, 1960, 70 million people t uned in t o wat ch t he
first t elevised president ial candidat e debat e bet ween Vice President Richard Nixon and
Senat or John F. Kennedy. For t he first t ime, in real t ime, Americans could see, not just hear or
read, what t he candidat es had t o say. Those who list ened t o t he debat e on t he radio said t hat
Nixon won. Those who wat ched on t elevision and saw Kennedyt anned, healt hy, young, and
smilingacclaimed Kennedy t he winner.
That event , and t hose cameras, changed everyt hing. What t he people saw was what
t hey were going t o get . And t hey liked Kennedy over Nixon visually, even t hough Nixon was far
more experienced. Kennedy was affable, relaxed, poised, and comfort able. Nixon looked sickly
(he had a cold and refused makeup), fidget y, uncomfort able, shiny wit h sweat , and his beard
st ubble looked harsh.
That single debat e proved, lit erally overnight , t hat looks do mat t er. It launched a visual
indust ry t hat has been shaping our polit ical hist ory ever since, surpassing anot her well-known
seismic event in visual hist ory: t he t ransit ion from silent movies t o t alkies, in which silent film
st ars wit h foreign accent s and high-pit ched voices lost t heir jobs.
THE BEAUTY DIVIDEND
It s no secret t hat t he premium on beaut y and good looks dominat es our media and market ing,
and as t he example above shows, it even shapes t he landscape of polit ics and power. But
what about in business: does beaut y mat t er?
If I t old you t o look at senior phot os in a college yearbook and predict who would receive
higher pay five years lat er, you would say t hat t his was impossible, as looks dont predict fut ure
earnings. Yet t hat s exact ly what t wo researchers decided t o do t o explore just how significant
our looks and appearance really are. Economist s Daniel S. Hamermesh and Jeff E. Biddle found
t hat people who are good-looking t end t o be hired more frequent ly, t end t o receive more
raises, and on average earn 10 t o 15 percent more t han t heir count erpart s. They also found
t hat companies t hat hired people who are very good-looking st and t o make 10 t o 15 percent
more money t han if t hey hired average-looking people. This is really not hing new; even t he
Bible is replet e wit h st ories of beaut y being sought and rewarded.
I t ell you t his not t o creat e cont roversy but rat her t o be clear about what many of us
already suspect and researchers well know: our species, as well as many ot hers, t ends t o favor
beaut y. Whet her it s t he peacock wit h t he bright est t ail, t he lion wit h t he largest mane, or t he
st allion t hat looks t he most majest ic, animals self-select for beaut y, which is why we humans
have beaut y cont est s and why people in most societ ies engage in a court ship process based
on looks before we set t le on a mat e.
Some will t ell you t hat beaut y is in t he eye of t he beholder, but t he research assures us
t hat our preference for beaut y is in our genet ic makeup, which is why babies will st are at a
beaut iful face longer t han at an ugly one. In all cult ures, beaut y is sought , enhanced (t hrough
makeup or adornment s), and in some way rewarded.
THE BEAUTY DIVIDEND IS NOT DESTINY
Does t hat mean we all need t o look like George Clooney or Christ ie Brinkley or be fat ed t o
failure? Yes and no. It is nice t o be nat urally good-looking, but here is a big secret : all of us can
improve how we look. We dont have t o look drop-dead beaut iful, we just need t o be mindful of
our grooming and at t ent ive t o how we present .
At t ending t o your looks by good grooming, good hygiene, using makeup, and t ending t o
your hair can and does make a difference. Makeover shows are popular because ext ernal
changes are t ransforming: t hey make us look and feel bet t er, and t hat t ranslat es int o posit ive
effect s. People who look goodnot necessarily beaut ifult end t o feel bet t er about
t hemselves, have more friends, be bet t er received, and have more opport unit ies ext ended t o
t hem. So t he quest ion is not whet her we have t o be beaut y queens or movie idols, but what
we can do t o be mindful of how we look, what we wear, and how we come across.
Many aspect s of appearance are mat t ers of personal choice, but t o a great ext ent , norms
of appearance are cult urally driven. When I worked homicides in t he west ern Unit ed St at es, I
int erviewed many people who wore blue jeans, a st arched whit e shirt , a bolo t ie, and a cowboy
hat t o work. They looked sharp t o me, in t he same way t hat a navy blue wool suit and an
It alian silk t ie always look sharp on Wall St reet . Societ y provides t he boundaries; we just have
t o make sure we comply. Remember, we are programmed t o look for good grooming as a sign
of healt h, vit alit y, and social adjust ment .
Alt hough it s unwise t o ignore t he need t o present well, it s helpful t o keep in mind t hat
ot her fact ors such as skill can override it in business, and t hat people can overlook
appearance, especially if you have a great at t it ude and are genuine and friendly. Even in t hese
mat t ers, t hough, ot hers t ake t heir cue from us.
You can overcome pot ent ial disadvant ages such as short ness or physical impairment wit h
charm, charisma, will, and posit ive mind-set . Short people who are charismat ic or who have a
compelling physical presencesuch as celebrit ies or dancersare always rat ed as being t aller
t han t hey act ually are. And despit e her much-publicized weight issues, millions admire Oprah
Winfreys st yle, personalit y, message, and mission, and how she goes about achieving t hem.
This is t he singular beaut y of nonverbals: we can use t hem t o place at t ent ion where we want
it , on our st rengt hs and skills.
I have consult ed wit h many global inst it ut ions and I can say conclusively from t alking t o
managers worldwide t hat t hey would rat her have an employee who works hard and has a
great at t it ude t han one who is good-looking but has a lousy at t it ude. Except for a few select
indust ries, no employer expect s you t o be beaut iful, nor do your cust omers. But t here is an
absolut e requirement t hat you be well groomed, well dressed, well mannered, and effect ive in
your job. And t his is t he main message here. We admire t he well-mannered and feel
comfort able around t he well-groomed, and effect iveness in business carries t remendous
weight . These t hree qualit ies will compensat e for any deficiencies you may have in your looks.
So play t o your st rengt hs and offset your weaknesses. If youre short or overweight , dress
t o height en or st reamline. Research shows t hat we perceive t hose wit h a st rong jaw or
cheekbones as conveying aut horit y and leadership. These t rait s should be accent uat ed, not
obscured by a hairst yle or a beard. If your face is round, know t hat ot hers may find you more
accessible and friendly, somet hing t hat can be even furt her enhanced by body echoing
(mirroring) and head t ilt ing.
CLOTHING SPEAKS VOLUMES
Every day, you have a choice t o dress for yourself or for ot hers. People will appraise you
according t o how you look, not necessarily t o make judgment s (t hough some will), but t o see
what youre project ing as t o who you are. Based on t heir observat ions, t heyll arrive at
conclusions about your st at us, economic level, educat ion, t rust wort hiness, sophist icat ion,
background, and level of convent ionalit y or unconvent ionalit y.
Image is t hus mainly nonverbal, and it speaks t o us daily.
Your clot hes speak t o your values and life st at e: whet her you are court ing someone, if you
have a limit ed budget , whet her you care about social convent ion, or if you are cognizant of
what will be admired.
I oft en st ay in a hot el in London where everyone, including t he housekeeping st aff, wears
Armani suit s (t he hot el proudly advert ises t his). Oft en uniforms st rat ify, but here, t he
universalit y of dress gives t he impression t hat at t his hot el, everyone holds a cert ain image and
st at us. This message of elegance and pride uplift s employees and guest s alike. I have t o say,
it s nice t o see everyone at t he hot el smart ly dressed.
Now let s say you meet wit h a woman who is wearing a designer suit . Who is t he message
for? Is she dressing for you or for herself? She may t ake great comfort in looking good, but
shes also t ransmit t ing informat ion wit h t hat suit . Is she project ing aut horit y? Sophist icat ion?
Confidence? Elit ism? Wealt h? It may be hard t o say one over t he ot hers, or it may be all. The
point is t his: t here is a message t here, and it is being t ransmit t ed wit h her clot hes, in t he same
way t hat Sam Walt on, CEO of Wal-Mart , was famous for wearing blue jeans and driving a used
pickup t ruck. There was a message t here, t oo.
DRESS FOR THE SETTING
Cont ext should play a role in your dress choices. When Im at home in Florida, youll probably
find me in short s and sandalsIll be comfort able. If Im doing business, Ill dress for t he impact I
wish t o make on my client , event , or audience. Ive been known t o change my shirt and t ie t o
mat ch t he ambience aft er looking at an audience. Excessive, you t hink? I t hink it works, and it
t akes lit t le effort .
Your at t ire is a t ool as well as an advert isement . It can be used t o let ot hers know t hat
you fit in, t hat you respect t heir values, t hat you are t rust wort hy. It can also be used t o get
not icedwhich is why, at t he president s St at e of t he Union address before Congress, most of
t he men wear navy blue or gray suit s, while quit e a few of t he women wear red so t hat t hey will
st and out in t he crowd.
DRESS FOR RESPECTYOURS AND THEIRS
Dressing for t he set t ing shows respect for your client s, your colleagues, and your profession.
During my FBI years, I saw federal court judges call at t orneys t o sidebar and say, Youve got
t went y minut es t o be back here wit h a different t ie on. Now st ep back. (In one part icularly vivid
inst ance, Homer Simpsons face was depict ed on t he offending t ie.) The at t orneys, normally
never at a loss for words, would st ammer in confusion. It was a realit y check: This is federal
court . Dress t o respect t he inst it ut ion, or dont play in t his league. Maybe you dont have t o go
t o federal court , but how about a job int erview, or a meet ing wit h an import ant client ? If your
at t ire says you dont care, t rust me: ot hers wont care, eit her.
When I was in t he Bureau, I usually wore a suit . Now t hat Im ret ired, I dress ext remely
casually, and I not ice t he difference in how Im t reat ed. I went t o a branch of my bank t he ot her
day t o get somet hing not arized. I was wearing short s and flip-flops, and t he st aff was looking
at me rat her askance. Im sure if Id been wearing a suit , t hat wouldnt have happenedwhich
is why some organizat ions st rict ly insist on cert ain at t ire. Part of Disney Worlds success is it s
st rict dress code. Disney has a say over everyt hing employees wear and how it is t o be worn.
Visit ors appreciat e t he sharp at t ire; t hey know t hey are not going t o see nose rings or pant s
exposing underwear. (Incident ally, it is now illegal in some municipalit ies for underwear t o be
visible out side t he pant s.)
As casual as life t oday has become, dressing well st ill elicit s respect from ot hers. How
much respect ? Heres what research t ells us: If you are well dressed and accident ally drop your
wallet , 83 percent of t he t ime people will ret urn it t o you. If you are dressed casually or poorly, it
will be ret urned t o you only 48 percent of t he t ime.
People also are more willing t o follow your lead if you are dressed well t han if you are not .
Judges wear robes t o give dignit y and formalit y t o t he court room. Physicians wear lab coat s
because, among ot her t hings, pat ient s t end t o follow t heir inst ruct ions and advice more
fait hfully and consist ent ly when t hey are t hus at t ired. We also know t hat uniforms (police, fire
depart ment , cust odian) garner great er at t ent ion t han st reet clot hes. Men in t he business
uniform of navy blue suit s, for inst ance, are perceived by jurors as being more honest and
reassuring t han men who are casually dressed. How we dress does mat t er, and it has
consequences.
My advice for businesspeople, especially whit e-collar workers: dress t o mirror, not t o shock.
Observe how upper management dresses, and follow t hese managers lead. I was recent ly
visit ing a friend at t he NBC st udios in California and I not iced t hat not one person anywhere on
t hat lot was wearing a suit . Polo shirt s and blue jeans were t he norm. I was t he only oddit y, in a
suit .
Obviously t here are jobs where at t ire does not mat t er much, or where a uniform is
required, yet even in t hose jobs it is st ill nice t o see someone looking sharp. I appreciat e t hat
t he man who sprays my house for t ermit es t hree t imes a year always looks neat and clean in
his uniform. I appreciat e t hat t he grocery checkout clerk who handles my food has clean hands
and fingernails and is wearing a t unic t hat set s her apart .
There are cert ain professions in which professional dress (suit and t ie for men or a
uniform) is a requirement . Those who pract ice medicine and people in finance, law, insurance,
and ot her such occupat ions should dress professionally at all t imes. We t rust t hese individuals
wit h our healt h, our money, or our life, and we want t hem t o appear int elligent , skilled, and
et hical. These qualit ies are principally communicat ed nonverbally, and significant ly t hrough our
clot hing.
Boarding a flight t o New York recent ly, I couldnt help but not ice t he unt idy appearance of
a fellow passenger. His suit was rumpled, he had coffee st ains on his t ie, and his shoes were
not just dirt y, t hey were filt hy. Whose office is he going t o walk int o and impress t oday? I
t hought . Appearances shouldnt mat t er, you may say, but t hey do.
Dressing t o elicit respect and t rust is especially useful for t he self-employed. A friend who
develops Web cont ent for corporat e client s says, At home I work in jeans and a T-shirt , but
when I have a client meet ing I always dress as my client s dress. Im careful not t o out shine my
client , but I need t o est ablish parit y in our relat ionship, and I do t hat in part by dressing as t hey
do.
WHEN IN ROME (OR FRANCE)
Mimicry and synchrony, hist ory t eaches us, can have world-changing consequences.
As our first ambassador t o France, from 1776 t o 1785, Benjamin Franklin had t he
mount ainous t ask of persuading t he French t o be our allies during t he war of
independence. This was no simple assignment , as France did not want t o go t o war
wit h England, which had t he worlds most powerful navy. Franklin, who had worked his
way up from t he st reet s (lit erally penniless at sevent een), deserved t hat post ing. He
was not just an invent or, st at esman, publisher, sat irist , polit ician, aut hor, and scient ist ,
but , more import ant , he was perhaps t he great est observer of his day. This he
parlayed int o invent ions, including t he Franklin st ove, bifocal reading glasses, t he
light ning rod, and (yes) t he flexible urinary cat het er. Franklin st udied mankind wit h
equal fascinat ion. He knew he had but a short t ime t o impress t he French (no small
t ask even t oday) and t o make t hem a willing ally of t he fledgling democracy which
now st ood alone.
Fort unat ely, we have his writ ings and t hose of many of his cont emporaries t o
at t est t o his st rat egy. He immediat ely sought t o copy t he manner and st yle of t he
French, wearing a wig, powdering his face, and dressing as t he French did (he did
keep his raccoon hat , which he proudly displayed for t hose who want ed a t ast e of
Americana); even ordering t he right kind of carriage t o carry him t hrough t he st reet s.
He was immediat ely received by t hose in powerand, more import ant , by t hose who
whispered in t he ears of power (read: influent ial women). He mirrored t he norms of
French societ y because he underst ood t hat in order t o achieve success, we must
emulat e what benefit s us t he most .
When John Adams, our second diplomat t o France, arrived in 1777, he was
aghast at how Franklin had become seduced by t he ways and dress of t he French.
Adams saw himself as an American and he refused t o adapt , crit icizing t he French for
t heir parlor conversat ions (salons) as well as for t heir dress and demeanor. He
ret urned t o America decrying Franklin. When Adams was sent back t o France t o
negot iat e a comprehensive t reat y, however, t he Frenchwho had not been t aken
wit h Adamss previous demeanor and lack of adapt abilit ysaid, Non! and did not
approve his appoint ment . The t reat y was inst ead negot iat ed by Franklin, who was
able t o deal wit h t he int ricacies of social diplomacy.
The French had grown t o appreciat e Franklin because he appreciat ed t hem and
t heir cult ure. They felt comfort able wit h Franklin and could work wit h him. He
succeeded where Adams did not because in mirroring t he French, Franklin
demonst rat ed his abilit y t o est ablish empat het ic channels of communicat ion, one of
t he essent ial qualit ies for success. It is t o Franklin and his underst anding of
nonverbals t hat we owe so much for securing Frances allegiance and ult imat ely our
libert y from t he English.
I am not going t o t ell you specifically what t o wear or not wear. Here you have t o use
common sense, as fashion changes, but I can give you guidance, based on my st udies of juries,
as well as t he findings of ot her researchers. Ill also offer guidelines for cert ain t hings you must
not do clot hing-wise. The general first principle is t his: You can never go wrong wit h looking
sharp. Second principle: Look around, see how ot hers are dressing, and t ry t o mirror t hat . I
never hesit at e t o ask a prospect ive client what t heir dress code is before I visit , and neit her
should you.
THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF CASUAL DRESS
Wit h few except ions, I advise my business client s t o st ay away from casual Fridays and t o
require business at t ire at all t imes. A common dress code reinforces professionalism and
harmony, which are appealing bot h int ernally and ext ernally. Moreover, business is not
playt ime. When st andards are relaxed, it can be difficult t o reset t he boundaries. Casual pant s
become ripped jeans, sandals become flip-flops, and at t empt s t o correct t he downward slide
are met wit h t he prot est : Well, Sandy wore flip-flops last week, and you didnt say anyt hing.
Have a st at ed dress code and enforce it wit hout except ion. If you dont enforce good habit s,
you are reinforcing bad habit s.
Casualness can kill credibilit y. I know t his from my jury consult ing business. Focus groups
confirm t hat t est imony is oft en validat ed by how we dress, and t hat poor dress or grooming
can det ract from an import ant message. It is well known t hat we give great er credence t o
t hose who are well dressed.
Finally, casualness in dress has a way of t ransmut ing int o a relaxat ion of at t it udes. We
humans are at t uned t o our environment . When t he cont ext s of business and pleasure are
mixed, behavior becomes mixed as well. When businesses st art t o get lax in t heir st andards of
dress, employees become lax in t heir work habit s and in how t hey t alk t o each ot her. This
laxness drags down how t he organizat ion is perceived and is a disservice t o t he hard workers
in t he group. Theres powerful t rut h t o t he saying Clot hes make t he man. People t ake on t he
persona t hat comes wit h t heir at t ire.
SWATers VERSUS SUITS
We did an experiment in t he FBI t hat , while not very scient ific, was very illuminat ing as
t o how behavior is shaped by what we wear. We gave t wo groups of agent s t he same
hypot het ical scenario: A man is holding a woman host age. He has access t o a phone.
Their locat ion is not easily accessible. We t hen asked each t eam of agent s t o develop
a plan t o rescue t he host age.
One group was wearing t heir usual business suit s. The ot her group was dressed
in cargo pant s and polo shirt s worn for SWAT t raining, but wit hout weapons. Neit her
group knew t he ot her, nor did t hey know t hey were working on t he same problem.
What happened wit hout any kind of prompt ing? The guys in suit s said, Heres
what were going t o do. Were going t o set up a perimet er and a command post , and
st art negot iat ions. Were going t o est ablish visual or t elephonic cont act t o t alk him
out . And t hey went on t o out line a plan of subt le advances designed t o ext ract t his
host age over t ime t hrough negot iat ions.
The group in t he SWAT cargo pant s had an ent irely different approach: Weve
got t o get t his woman out of t here! Well do a dynamic assault : knock t he front door
down, t hrow in flash bangs t o creat e a dist ract ion at t he front door while an assault
t eam of six, including t he paramedic, will make a dynamic ent ry t hrough t he windows,
neut ralize t he armed subject s, and rescue t he vict im.
We were ast onished at t he difference bet ween t he plansyet what was t he only
difference bet ween t hese groups? Their clot hing. Just by dressing different ly, t hese
men had a different ment alit y. Their clot hes set t he at t it ude, t empo, and t one. It is
int erest ing t o not e t hat aft er t he violent conclusion of t he st andoff at t he Branch
Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, At t orney General Janet Reno would not allow
SWAT t eam operat ors t o wear SWAT-t ype clot hing at similar event s, so as not t o
ant agonize t he subject s unnecessarily.
I learned t he power of at t ire first hand when I became a police officer. I vividly remember
t hose first weeks of dressing in my uniform: put t ing on t he badge, t he hat , making everyt hing
look square and sharp. Just before I headed out t he door, Id t ake one last look in t he mirror,
and I would see a different person. This was my persona, and I st rove t o be wort hy of t hat
persona. Theres a reason why rit ual is used in dressing for graduat ions, weddings, milit ary
ceremonies, or t eam sport s, or in donning cost umes for t he t heat er: What we wear shapes our
behavior and prepares body and mind for what we need t o do. In t he workplace, you put on t he
at t ire of a warrior for business, and t hat s your persona.
If you want t o t est t his, wat ch when people dress up for a wedding or for church or a
special event , and not ice how t heir behavior changes. They are bet t er mannered and more
conscious of ot hers and t hemselves. Yes, clot hes do t ransform us.
Researchers corroborat e t hat clot hes affect how were perceived and how we behave.
Children who wear uniforms t end t o behave bet t er and get bet t er grades t han children who
dress as t hey please (part of t he success of privat e schools). At hlet es who wear black t end t o
commit more infract ions and are more aggressive t han t eams who wear ot her colors.
THE FALLACY OF CASUAL FRIDAYS
When businesses st art ed allowing employees t o dress casually on Fridays, according
t o some, product ivit y went up and casual Fridays were hailed as a great
enhancement . But in t ime, product ivit y went down. What was going on?
The explanat ion would have been abundant ly clear had t he research been
carefully examined. In research known as t he Hawt horne St udies, when researchers
bright ened t he light s in a fact ory, product ivit y went up. Aft er a few weeks, however,
product ivit y went back down. The researchers t hen lowered t he light s t o a level lower
t han before. Guess what ? Product ivit y went up again! Then once again, it ret urned t o
former levels.
The researchers concluded t hat it was t he st imulus of change t hat caused t he
product ivit y spike. Once people habit uat e t o t he change (adapt abilit y being a
hallmark of our species, aft er all) and t he novelt y wears off, so do t he behavioral
changes t hat came wit h it .
These findings explain why ret reat s or occasional casual event s boost morale
and product ivit y. But t hese should be t reat s, not habit s. And it s best if t hese
sessions are off campus in a locat ion where casual dress and behavior are
accept able. Friday at t he office should not be a ret reat .

WHAT JURIES CAN TELL US ABOUT HOW WE PRESENT
The court room is a place where make-or-break, somet imes life-or-deat h decisions are made by
t welve individuals from all walks of life assembled int o a jury. Because t heir decisions are so
import ant , juries have been st udied at lengt h t o discern what influences t hem. When it comes
t o appearances, juries can t each us a lot .
Juries have very specific preferences and assessment s of peoples appearance, and Ive
spent years st udying how t hey respond t o t he dress and demeanor of at t orneys, wit nesses,
and defendant s. If you t hink det ails are t oo small t o be not iced, t hink again. Prosecut ing
at t orney Marcia Clarks wardrobe was a dist ract ing element in t he O. J. Simpson murder t rial.
Her hairst yle, out fit s, and shoes made nat ional headlines and were a t opic for t he jurors who
were not allowed t o t alk about t he case it self unt il t he prosecut ion rest ed. What did t hese
have t o do wit h t he t rial? Absolut ely not hing. But t hat s what people, jurors and nonjurors, were
comment ing on! Moral of t he st ory: Leave not hing t o chance. Know t hat you will be
remembered for how you look.
TWOS THE CHARM
Ever not ice t hat polit icians wear t wo-but t on business suit s, not t hree-but t on suit s?
The reason is simply t his: t he more vent ral (chest ) area we show, t he more honest we
are perceived t o be. Look at figures in hist ory who occluded t heir chest area wit h t heir
at t ire: Mao Zedong, Fidel Cast ro, Joseph St alin. Look at bad guys in t he movies, such
as Dr. No in t he early James Bond films. These individuals were in effect hiding behind
t heir clot hing.
Court room research t hat I, as well as ot hers, have conduct ed is clear: juries prefer
t hat at t orneys wear t wo-but t on suit s, not t hree-but t on suit s. As one individual said,
They look more honest , referring t o t hose wearing t he t wo-but t on suit . Consult ant s
working wit h businesspeople and polit icians recommend t he same t hing. Thus we see
polit icians in t wo-but t on suit s. Oft en, when int eract ing wit h t he crowd, t heyll t ake
t heir coat s off. The percept ion is one of openness.
Here are some ot her essent ials Ive learned in working wit h at t orneys, businesspeople,
and human resources personnel.
Business Dress Rules of Thumb for Men

Neat ness and cleanliness mat t er.
Most people cant t ell t he difference bet ween a $1,500 suit and a $200 suit ,
especially wit h a lit t le t ailoring t o cust omize t he fit .
If you wear a suit , make sure t he sleeves arent t oo long (ot herwise youll look like a
kid going t o school for t he first t ime).
Clot hes should fit comfort ably.
Dont wear a brown suit , as t hat is almost always poorly rat ed in surveys.
Dont wear short -sleeved shirt s, unless it s appropriat e t o wear a polo shirt .
If a t ie pat t ern would at t ract bees, dont buy it .
Your t ie should accent uat e, not be t he focal point .
If you wear suspenders, do so wit hout a belt .
Your socks should mat ch your shoes, and never wear whit e socks.
Your shoes should be as well groomed as t he rest of you. A surprising number of
men overlook t his essent ial det ail and undermine t he t ime and money t hey spent on
t he rest of t heir image.
Your shirt pocket is not a pen caddy: keep it empt y.
Keep t he gig line st raight bet ween your shirt , belt buckle, and fly.
Wear a t hin, t radit ional wat ch.
When in doubt , t he preferred suit is dark (navy) blue, t wo-but t on, wit h a whit e shirt
and a t radit ional cont rast ing t ie, wit h black shoes.

Business Dress Rules of Thumb for Women

The less flesh shown, t he bet t er. Professional men dont appreciat e it and neit her do
women.
It s fine t o be aware of fashions and st yles, but avoid get t ing caught up in t rends.
Dress nicely but not necessarily expensively.
Good grooming and good manners are more import ant t han t he cost of an out fit .
Dress t o reflect your companys cult ure.
Unless you are in Hawaii, Miami, or L.A., open-t oed shoes should be avoided, and
even in t hose locat ions I would avoid t hem.
Dont wear excessive jewelry.
Your ears should not have so many earrings t hat t hey could hang on a curt ain rod.
Running shoes and flip-flops are appropriat e for your day off, not at work.
Your belly should never be exposed.
Clot hing should be neat and crisp, not t orn and worn.
Clot hing should enhance your job, not det ract from it .
Alt hough cult ure plays a role in accept able appearance, nevert heless t here is a general
st andard of professional look t hat should not be violat ed. If you do, t hen dont be surprised if
people react negat ively. As a friend of mine and former market ing direct or well put t o me once,
You should always dress for t he job t hat you aspire t o do.
JEWELRY
Heres what people t ell us about jewelry and adornment s t hat you should know: Jewelry should
not be excessive in st yle or quant it y. Why? It s dist ract ing, and you want people t o not ice your
skills and int elligence. Excessive jewelry says I need peoples at t ent ion. In business, you want
t o draw at t ent ion t o t he value of your abilit ies.
Women at (or aspiring t o) high execut ive levels should wear no more t han one ring. It s
common t oday t o see women wearing many rings. Frankly, as one very successful consult ant
t old me, it does not look whit e-collar. People especially dont want t o see t his in t he high-t rust
professions of law, medicine, or finance.
There are some cult ural and even regional differences in what s accept able. For inst ance,
t he earrings a businesswoman wears in Brazil may be more flamboyant t han t hose worn in t he
Unit ed St at es, and t he earrings worn in California may be different from t hose worn in Vermont .
Always consider cult ure and cont ext , and observe what ot hers are doing. If youre unsure of
what s appropriat e, err on t he side of caut ion.
Men: Your dive wat ch is not for business. Wear a nice dress wat ch. How nice? One t hat
looks like a dress wat ch (t he t hinner t he bet t er), not somet hing t hat looks as if it could assist
wit h a lunar landing or SWAT operat ion. We want t he wat ch t o say somet hing about your
sense of st yle, not your avocat ion (like t he dive wat ch, for inst ance). A wat ch can say much
about us; it can be an inexpensive emblem of elegance.
I oft en advise my universit y st udent s t o look at newscast ers: t hey keep jewelry t o a
minimum for good reason.
SHOES
On t he st reet t he ot her day, I not iced a woman walking in front of me: medium height , nicely
st yled shoulder-lengt h hair, t ailored dress, flat t ering wat ch, accessories, and makeupand
high heels so worn t hat t he leat her on t he heels was split and peeling upward. Why spend all
t hat t ime t o look good and ruin it wit h a small det ail, so easily correct ed? Men, t oo, oft en wear
scuffed or worn-down shoes t hat subvert t he effort t hey spent on t he rest of t heir
appearance.

Keep shoes polished and in good repair. Unkempt shoes say, I am uncout h.
No open t oes or foot -baring st yles. Research is firm on t his: open t oes, sandals, slip-
ons, and flip-flops are unappealing and unprofessional. Be part icularly caut ious if you
are an at t orney, senior execut ive, or medical professional.
Heel height should be modest . The office is not a night club.

TATTOOS
Despit e how frequent ly we see t hem, t at t oos are an absolut e no-go in t he business world. If
you have t hem, hide t hem. The negat ive associat ions t hey conjure include drunken escapades,
yout hful indiscret ions, suscept ibilit y t o t rends, st reet gangs, and needle-borne diseases. And
t hose are on t he polit e end of t he spect rum. Obviously, none of t hese images says cleanliness,
healt h, or dependabilit ymaking visible t at t oos a part icular hindrance t o employment in t he
food, medical, and financial professions.
I was int erest ed, yet not surprised, t o learn t hat a fire depart ment in California recent ly
mandat ed t hat all it s firemen must have t heir t at t oos covered. Conversely and sadly, t heres a
t rend among prison inmat es t o t at t oo t heir faces (for example, MS-13 gang members) t o t he
point t hat t hey become social out cast s, virt ually guarant eeing a limit ed employment fut ure
where t heyll likely be relegat ed t o a job in t he back and cert ainly not in a whit e-collar posit ion.
Teenage girls on t he periphery of gangs are also adopt ing t hese hideous t at t oos t hat will
adversely affect t heir fut ure employment prospect s. Organizat ions are now working wit h
young people t o erase t hose t at t oos, especially t he gang-relat ed ones, t o increase t heir
chances of finding a job.
Theres an unwrit t en code in many organizat ions: if t hey have t at t oos, dont even bot her
int erviewing t hem. While t his mind-set may change over t ime as our cult ure grows accust omed
t o t at t oos, it is t he current opinion, so it s import ant t hat you be aware of it .
My college st udent s oft en point out t hat many celebrit ies have visible t at t oost o which I
reply, Youre not a celebrit y. We grant license t o celebrit ies, at hlet es, rock st ars, and ot hers
whose physicalit y is part of t heir persona, t olerat ing (in fact , expect ing) more exhibit ionist ic
behavior in t hese at t ent ion-seeking professions, from displays of cleavage t o wardrobe
malfunct ions. Yet even celebrit ies cover t heir t at t oos at major event s or while act ing. When
t heyre playing a role, t hey do what s necessary t o play it well. We, t oo, have a role t o play, and
we should play it : it s called business.
GROOMING AND MAKEUP
Cessat ion of grooming or preening is a sign of poor physical or ment al healt h in animals and
humans alike. An unkempt appearance signals dist ress as t he mind is focused on ot her issues.
We t hus associat e cleanliness and neat ness wit h good healt h and seek t o affiliat e wit h t hose
we deem robust . The guidelines below are based on t hese deeply ingrained preferences and
social convent ion.

Hair should be neat , fashionable but not dist ract ing, not obscuring your expressions.
As you learned previously, we orient t o hand movement s, as t he hands have t he
power t o sust ain life and met e out deat h. Your hands assuredly will be not iced. Nails
should modest in lengt h for women, well-clipped for men; scrupulously clean; and not
bit t en (viewed as a sign of nervousness). Long t alon nails are very poorly received.
Get rid of t hem if you want t o get hired or be t aken seriously.
Your makeup should enhance you, not call at t ent ion t o it self. You want people t o
focus on your expressions, not your mascara or your lipst ick. Invest in a session wit h
a makeup consult ant if youre not sure whet her your makeup is flat t ering you.
Perfumes should be avoided. Most people dont appreciat e a scent . Period.
Modest public preening (pat t ing t he suit jacket , adjust ing a collar or t ie) favorably
impresses; it indicat es we care how we appear t o ot hers. But be judicious. Privat e
preening behavior in public places (combing hair, cleaning or clipping nails) implies
lack of social int elligence. I once saw a lawyer picking his ears wit h a paper clip,
oblivious t o t he effect on observers in court . A friend once surprised an assist ant
flossing her t eet h in her cubicle. As she inquired what my friend want ed, she let go of
t he floss, which hung out side her mout h (you cant make st uff like t his up). Aft er t hat
unforget t able image, it was unpleasant t o t hink about t ouching papers she had
handled.
Men, dont pick your nose and dont scrat ch your genit als in public (believe me, t his
caveat would not be in t his book if it werent somet hing Im asked about all t he t ime,
as in, Why is it t hat guys are always?)
In closing, here are a few addit ional import ant t ips:
ACCESSORIES AND ACCOUTREMENTS AT A GLANCE

Your backpack was fine t hrough graduat e school and for t he hiking t rail; it s not fine
for business.
Women: not hing undermines t he image of efficiency fast er t han rummaging in your
bag for a pen, not epad, dat ebook, or ot her it ems t hat should be at t he ready.
Men: t his is not t he Wild West of t he t went y-first cent ury: your belt should not be a
digit al holst er for all your elect ronic possessions. Your aut horit y should be conveyed
by your presence, not by t he number of gadget s you own.
Wear a wat ch. It says you care about t imea prized commodit y in business.

SELF-AWARENESS CHECK
Now t hat you know t he key issues of appearance t hat ot hersfrom juries t o human resources
personnel t o CEOsnot ice and comment on, ask yourself t hese quest ions:

How do ot hers view me?
How do I view myself?
Am I at t ract ive (not pret t y or handsome) t o my colleagues and client s?
Am I market able?
Do I impress ot hers?
Is t here somet hing about me t hat is object ionable t o ot hers?
Would I benefit from a serious makeover?
I hope you are honest wit h yourself. If you arent sure about your own evaluat ion, perhaps
a t rust ed friend can give you a t rue assessment of how you look and present . Somet imes we
all need a good friend t o t ell us t o st and up st raight , clean our shoes, and yes, lose a lit t le
weight .
Feedback can be mot ivat ing. It beat s wondering why we arent get t ing hired or promot ed,
and no one will t ell us it s because our clot hes are rumpled or our spare t ire makes us appear
slovenly. If you feel youre in a rut , t hat people are not respect ing you, or t hat youre not get t ing
promot ions, you can effect change.
Not iceable improvement s are possible wit h surprisingly simple modificat ions in t hings as
basic as your post ure and your gest ures. Two very not iceable changes t hat can be observed
in young men and young women when t hey ret urn from milit ary t raining are t heir post ure and
movement s, which we discussed in t he previous chapt er. Parent s and friends are immediat ely
impressed by t he t ransformat ion t hat t hey see in t hese individuals. Theyre t he same people,
but t heir confident movement s change t he percept ion of even t hose whove known t hem for a
lifet ime. It s not just t heir uniform; it s t he purpose and dignit y of t heir bearing.
But for you and me, it all begins wit h asking, Is t here somet hing about me or t he way t hat
I dress or behave t hat is hindering me?
In chapt er 1, you learned how quickly we make t hese evaluat ionsknown as t hin slice
assessment sabout ot hers. We know t hat some people form t hese assessment s wit hin one-
fourt h of a second and t hat dissuading us from our init ial impression t akes a very, very long
t ime. True, socially compet ent people t est t hese first impressions against day-t o-day
experiences. When an init ially nice person t urns out t o be a creep, we adjust our impression.
This is a healt hy way t o go t hrough life and prevent s us from being vict imized by st rangers or
even family members. To a large ext ent , however, t hose first impressions will be wit h us for a
long t ime t o come. And we all know and work wit h people who are rigid and inflexible in t heir
t hinking. For t hem, first impressions are forever.

DESPITE THE speed and persist ence of first impressions, you can profoundly influence how
ot hers perceive you, and you should make every effort t o do so. You deserve t o be judged for
your professional abilit ies, not for unwit t ing behaviors t hat make ot hers uncomfort able.
Anyt hing less is unfair t o yourself. You can do it t hrough your behavior, but you can also do it
wit h your at t ire.
6

CURBSIDE APPEAL: MANAGING HOW YOUR
ORGANIZATION IS PERCEIVED
AFTER A t hree-hour flight , a t hirt y-minut e wait for my luggage, anot her t went y minut es at t he
rent al car count er, and a ninet y-minut e drive down t o Quant ico, Virginia, I was bone t ired. So, I
imagine, were t he ot her people in line ahead of me at t he check-in count er of t he mot el in
St afford, Virginia. We st ood like zombies beside our luggage, shaking our heads in disbelief,
while t he lone clerk on dut y t ook phone callaft er callaft er call. Okay, Ill pat ch youIll
connect youIll check. Occasionally, bet ween calls, he checked in a wait ing guest . He was
solo at t he desk, doing t he best he could. We t ried t o underst and, but he was, aft er all, t ending
t he phones and ignoring us.
Finally I got t o t he front of t he linejust as he picked up anot her call. I wait ed a few
seconds unt il I judged him t o be close t o finishing t he call. That s when I put my cell phone t o
work.
Dont hang up, I spoke int o my phone as I met his shocked gaze across t he count er wit h
t he best Clint East wood look I could must er. Youre going t o at t end t o me. Youre going t o
check me in over t he phone if we have t o and were going t o do it right now.
For an inst ant , t he clerk looked flummoxed, ut t erly disorient ed at hearing a voice in his ear
ident ical t o t he one belonging t o t he person at whom he was st aring. You could almost hear
him frant ically wondering who or what t o list en t o. Regardless, he immediat ely got t he point .
Thanks t o speed-dial and my unwillingness t o be a part y t o poor service, my fellow cust omers
and I got t o bed a lit t le sooner t hat night .
Has being on hold in line happened t o you? Since when did it become okay t o ignore
t hose pat ient ly wait ing in line and at t end t o t he lat ecomer arriving by phone?
Good t raining and sufficient st aff could have obviat ed t his sit uat ion. People in such jobs
can and should be t aught t o t ake care of people first , overriding t he reflexive response t o t he
ringing phone, t hus showing considerat ion; sadly, t oo oft en t hey are not properly t rained. Who
pays t he price? We t he t raveling public, and t he est ablishment s t hat will not see my business
or t hat of ot her slight ed t ravelers again.
Why do we go t o a hot el? We go t here t o find a haven offering t he rest and relaxat ion of
home. We want our creat ure needs at t ended t o. This is what would make us comfort able, and
t he cust omers comfort should be addressed first and foremost , from t he moment we walk in
t he door. It t akes so lit t le effort t o be at t ent ive t o t he needs of ot hers, yet t he result s are so
dramat ic.
What would have fost ered t he pat rons comfort here? Put t ing anot her employee on
phone det ail would have been ideal, but even if t hat were not possible, it would have been
possible, wit h proper t raining, for t he lone st affer t o heed t he rule: Take care of t he people in
front of you first . Good hot els also go out of t heir way t o immediat ely begin t he process of
making guest s comfort able by offering express check-in lanes, cookies, fruit , coffee, and t ea. I
know one hot el chain t hat always has warm cookies available upon checking in. I cant t ell you
how oft en people have ment ioned t hat hot el just because t hey like t hat warm cookie. The
offering of food is such a simple gest ure, as old as civilizat ion it self, yet it is gold.
Just as we form t hin slice assessment s of people, so we form t hem of businesses and
inst it ut ions. And just as we do wit h people, when we int eract wit h businesses were const ant ly
assessing whet her or not we feel comfort able, beginning in t he first seconds of t he first
encount er and in each encount er t hereaft er. That s why it is crit ical t o manage what our
business or ent erprise is communicat ing t o t he public.
The consequences of failing t o manage cust omer sat isfact ion are more severe t oday
t han ever, t hanks t o t he exponent ial word of mout h generat ed by t he Int ernet . Bloggers, for
example, have t he power t o seriously damage your companys reput at ion if you arent
assessing your image on almost a daily basis. You can rat e anyt hing on t he Int ernet from
college professors, physicians, plumbers, paint ers, and elect ricians t o rest aurant s, hot els,
ret irement homes, and so on. No profession escapes it s scrut iny.
Moreover, you never know what t hat scrut iny will focus on. I was reading a blog about t he
airline indust ry in which some people were post ing comment s about lost luggage, but t he main
t opic of conversat ion was: Why dont flight at t endant s smile at passengers anymore?
Someone recent ly recalled for me t he friendly smiles of t he East ern Airlines crews on flight s
of years past . There was a long discussion about t his not iceable change. What an opport unit y
for an airline, I t hought , because t his is so easy t o fix: You gat her your employees and say,
Folks, t his is what people are complaining about . So let s get wit h it , and if you dont want t o
do it , please go work somewhere else. Were t alking about a smile, t hat s all!
Just as a smile can change our curbside appeal, so t here are ot her simple t hings you can
do t o improve your companys curbside appeal.
THE COMFORT DIVIDEND
Ive lost count of t he number of t imes Ive read t he t erm compet it ive edge in business
publicat ions or heard it at business conferences. I find t he t erm limit ing. I prefer t o t alk about
not just a compet it ive edge, but somet hing much larger, somet hing t hat t akes you from good
t o except ional, and t hat is what I have come t o call t he comfort dividend. When you make
your client s, pat ient s, cust omers, visit ors, or guest s comfort able, you derive benefit s t hat go
beyond profit s.
Comfort is at t ract ive, in t he same way t hat our favorit e chair appeals t o us. We favor
rest aurant s wit h comfort able light ing and chairs. We t rust t he insurance agent who makes us
feel comfort able about our fut ure. We give our money t o a professional t o invest because of
her companys reput at ion, but , more import ant , because we feel comfort able wit h her. We st ay
wit h our dent ist , family doct or, and gynecologist because of t heir skill, yes, but also because of
t he comfort t hey engender. Comfort is t he reason we eat at t he same local diner and hang out
wit h t he same friends. Businesses and individuals who can engender comfort will draw us back
t ime and t ime again; t hey make us loyal cust omers, and we serve as t he conduit for get t ing t he
word out . One of my best friends is a physician whose pract ice grew exponent ially in a short
period of t ime not from advert ising, but from word of mout h. That is his dividend; wort h
t housands of dollars, just for making his pat ient s feel comfort able t hrough his skills and his
personalit y.
THE COMFORT DIVIDEND COSTS LESS THAN YOU THINK
Several years ago, while I was t alking wit h a friend in his office, t he t opic of making client s feel
exclusive came up. My friend ran a fund for new invest ors and was eager t o at t ract even more.
He has an engaging and posit ive personalit y, so I knew no improvement s were needed t here. I
asked him a few quest ions about where he t ended t o conduct his business. Then I asked,
How much are you willing t o spend? His response was st art ling: Im willing t o spend millions
t o go aft er millions. I count ered, How about spending hundreds and changing a few
procedures t hat will be t he lure for t he millions?
I suggest ed t hat he purchase a nice couch, a set of chairs, and a coffee t able, t o replace
t he current configurat ion (he seat ed behind his desk; I in a chair opposit e t he desk), and t hat
he invit e his prospect ive client s t o choose where t hey want t o sit .
That s it? he asked.
Pret t y much, I replied.
Over t he next year my t ravel schedule was heavy, and I heard not hing from my friend.
Then one day he called and invit ed me t o meet his new st aff and t o look at his new office
space. The office I saw on t his visit looked like t he kind of place where someone would want t o
spend t ime. My friend had made t he changes I had recommended, as well as buying a small
refrigerat or where he kept bot t led wat er and sodas nearby. When he invit ed me in, nat urally I
sat on t he couch.
He t hen began t o t ell me how t his simple addit ion of a couch and chairs had made a huge
difference in t he amount of face t ime he had wit h his client s. Since t hen, he has brought in
millions in vent ure capit al and t ells me t hat t he sit t ing area definit ely makes a difference. Hed
been skept ical when I suggest ed t hese modest changes. Not anymore.
We choose many t hings in life because t hey make us feel special. Simply being given a
choice of where t o sit or of what wed like t o drink confers a special st at us. These small
court esies make us feel valued, and we want t o come back.
Even if your car is your office, wit h a modest invest ment of $50 or so t o have it det ailed,
you can enhance your client s comfort and t rust by keeping it clean and professional looking
inside and out .
HOW IS YOUR BUSINESS PERCEIVED?
In chapt er 5, you found out how t o evaluat e how you are perceived. Now, wit h your companys
comfort dividend in mind, t ake t his self-assessment of your companys curbside appeal.
CURBSIDE APPEAL POP QUIZ
Try viewing your business t hrough a prospect ive client s eyes, using t he t asks below as
jumping-off point s. You may find t he experience, well, eye-opening.

1. Call your company swit chboard.

How long does it t ake before your call is answered?
What is said in greet ing?
What is t he t one of t he greet ing?
How quickly is your call rout ed?
How long and how oft en are you put on hold?
If you request informat ion, is it immediat ely provided?
How well are your quest ions answered?
How efficient ly are your request s processed?
Are you t reat ed wit h respect ?

2. Call your companys cust omer service number.

How long does it t ake before your call is answered?
What is said in greet ing?
What is t he t one of t he greet ing?
How quickly is your call rout ed?
How long and how oft en are you put on hold?
If you request informat ion, is it immediat ely provided?
How well are your quest ions answered?
How efficient ly are your request s processed?
Are you t reat ed wit h respect ?

3. Order an it em from your companys Web sit e.

Did t he Web sit e load and open wit hin t hree seconds?
Can you find t he product easily?
Were you able t o complet e t he order wit hout annoyance or wast ed t ime?

4. Ask a friend t o go int o your workplace and speak wit h t he recept ionist about
making an appoint ment t o see you.

Is t his visit or prompt ly greet ed?
Is t he visit ors request prompt ly not ed?
Does t he phone t ake precedence over t he visit or?
What is t he visit ors general impression of t he place and t he experience?

5. Walk t hrough your workplace and observe:

Does it look orderly?
Do walls, carpet s, furnit ure, or light ing look dingy?
How do people greet each ot her? Do t hey make or avoid eye cont act ?
What is t he energy level of t he office?
How is t he bat hroom; how about t he break room?
Is t he bullet in board clut t ered wit h personal not ices and out -of-dat e post ings?
Is t he overall effect of t he place appealing?
What do you like best ?
What do you like least ?
Would you want t o work here for t went y years?
Im always surprised at how few CEOs or ot her company execut ives act ually t est t heir
own syst ems in t his way. How many t imes have you called a company and heard a dizzying
array of recorded prompt s: Press one for t his, press t wo for t hat ? Ever met anyone who
enjoys it ? I t ell CEOs t o avoid using t his met hod if t hey possibly can. Why? Because by t he
t ime callers finally reach a live person, t heyre carrying negat ive emot ions. Once negat ive
feelings are at t ached t o t heir experience, your job of making t hem comfort able is more difficult .
Emot ions are not like st at ist ics; we t end t o forget what percent age of t he populat ion is
left -handed (7 t o 10 percent ), but we may never forget t he coworker who wit h his left hand
gives us t he finger. That s what happens when negat ive emot ions get involved. That s why,
years lat er, we can remember being slight ed: it goes t o t hat part of t he brain where t he
informat ion has a very long shelf life.
During a recent t rip t o Europe, my credit card number was st olen. I immediat ely called t he
credit card company. Time was of t he essence. So you can imagine how annoyed I became
when, already upset by t his incident , I was required t o carefully punch my t went y-t hree-digit
number int o my cell phone, and t hen was subject ed t o a seemingly endless list of elect ronic
opt ions. By t he t ime I spoke t o a cust omer represent at ive, I was t wice as upset as when I
st art ed. Whet her we admit it or not , emot ions are always in play in business. Those who
recognize and address t his fact will have an edge. (For st rat egies on handling emot ional
sit uat ions in t he workplace, see chapt er 8.)
If you care about your business, t est your syst ems rout inely. If background music is played
for callers on hold, list en in t o hear what s playing. The ot her day while on hold, I was t reat ed t o
a refrain t hat had somet hing t o do wit h bumping and honot exact ly what I want ed t o
hear. A friend of mine was st uck on hold wit h a radio t uned midway bet ween channels. She
list ened t o st at ic for five minut es.
Whet her you do t hese assessment s personally or ask a friend t o do t hem and report back
t o you, everyt hing about t he experience should be pleasant . If not , you and your friend arent
t he only ones having a bad experience. All t hat t ime and money you spend hiring graduat es
from prest igious schools and buying t he lat est soft ware will be for not hing if your cust omers
are irat e by t he t ime t hey access t hese asset s, or dont even bot her t o do so. So, maint ain
excellence on t he front end of your business just as you do everywhere elseand regularly
check t o see t hat it s not going ast ray.
WINDOWS CLEAN, PAINT FRESH, LIGHTS ON
When I was a boy, my fat her and I were driving in Miami one day, looking for a hardware st ore.
When we finally found one, my fat her drove st raight past . Why arent we pulling in? I asked.
Because t heir windows are dirt y, he answered. That place doesnt t ake care of it self, so I
dont t hink t heyre going t o t ake care of t heir cust omers. It was an inst ruct ive lesson t o me
t hat t hese t hings mat t er.
In chapt er 1, you learned about t he broken window research demonst rat ing how
environment influences behavior. Negat ive environment s influence negat ively (even criminally);
posit ive environment s influence posit ively. You can and should t ap int o t his powerful nonverbal
t o manage how your business is perceived. When you do, youll discover t hat many t hings
considered t o be cosmet ic are in fact essent ial in shaping percept ion. Jewelry st ores, for
example, have t he cleanest windows when compared t o ot her ret ail st ores. Why? So youll look
in! People simply will not spend t he t ime t o look in dirt y windows. If you want t o sell your house,
what do real est at e agent s suggest you do? Trim t he hedges, cut t he grass, apply a fresh coat
of paint , and (yes) wash t he windowsall t o improve your houses curbside appeal.
We pick banks based on curbside appeal, t oo. A bank is a bank is a bank, you say. Exact ly!
Because all banks base t heir rat es on t he same prime lending rat e, t heres lit t le variance
bet ween t hem. Cust omers decide where t hey will bank based on t hree fact ors: How it looks on
t he out side, how it looks on t he inside, and how t heyre t reat ed. Most businesses are no
different , unless t hey offer an exclusive product .
PERCEPTIONS ARE CONTAGIOUS
A few years ago, a new bank opened in my neighborhood. At first t he place looked
neat and t idy. But aft er about t wo years, it was evident t hat t he gardener was no
longer being hired and t he windows werent being regularly cleaned. Gradually, I began
t o see fewer and fewer vehicles t here, even on Fridays (payday). Event ually t he place
closed. It was a great locat ion, as t he nearest compet ing bank was about five miles
away. But just as emot ions are cont agious, so are percept ions. If people perceive t hat
ot hers arent comfort able frequent ing a business, t heyll begin t o avoid it , t oo. I am
sure t hat t he bank closed for ot her reasons, but I know t his: it probably did not at t ract
any new business by it s appearance; it just was not an appealing place.
Gas st at ions arent much different from banks, in t hat t hey all sell t he same product .
Smart gas st at ion propriet ors have learned t hat t he more light s t hat are on, t he more willing
people are t o pull int o t heir st at ions t o buy gasoline. Give people a choice of t wo gas st at ions,
side by side, one well lit and manicured and one poorly lit and unmanicured, and people will pull
int o t he well-lit , well-kept est ablishment even if t he price of fuel is slight ly higher by a penny
or t wo. Why? Because t hey feel secure. Safet y equat es wit h comfort in t he same way t hat
mat t er equals energy. Do away wit h safet y and you feel uncomfort able; make yourself
sufficient ly uncomfort able and your brain will assess t hat you are unsafe.
This comfort /safet y equat ion is in operat ion everywhere, be it in a jam-packed elevat or
t hat get s st uck or at t he edge of a high cliff, or when we find a scorpion in our shoe. At a
universit y where I used t o work, nobody had ever bot hered t o ask t he st udent s why so many
werent using t he campus parking lot s. When t hey finally were asked, t heir response was
simple: t here wasnt enough light ing. They preferred t o park t heir cars on t he st reet under
st reet lamps rat her t han in a poorly lit parking lot . Light ing is not just a comfort issue; many
companies have been sued for failure t o provide adequat e light ing because it is, in it s own way,
a crime det errent as well.
Safet y sells because when we feel safe, we feel comfort ablesomet hing t he aut o
indust ry discovered when equipping cars wit h air bags. It seems t hat when it comes t o safet y,
one air bag was not enough; my car has six air bags. People are willing t o pay significant ly more
for a vehicle simply because not hing makes us feel more comfort able, especially when children
are on board, t han redundant safet y feat ures.
UNDIMMED SATISFACTION
Disney World underst ands t he power of percept ion; t hey know t hat t heir visit ors want
t o perceive t hat t heyve ent ered a magical world. Everyt hing is const ant ly being
paint ed, because in a magical world t here is not one scrape, scrat ch, or scuff. If it
rained t he night before, someone has wiped down t he surfaces: a magical world is not
marred by st reaks and dust . In all t he night t ime parades Ive seen at Disney, where
hundreds of performers are dressed in illuminat ed cost umes, not a single bulb is out ,
because Disney knows t hat it s t hat one dark bulb t hat will draw at t ent ion. What
makes t he scene magical is t hat all t he bulbs worka feat t hat eludes me each
Christ mas as I t ry t o light up my Christ mas light s. Part of t he Disney magic, as
expensive as it is, is t he at t ent ion t o det ails: from safet y t o cleanliness t o well-
mannered employeesand, yes, t o light -bulbs t hat work.
When you t hink about it , at t ending t o t he det ails of your organizat ions appearance is no
different from t he self-preening behaviors you learned about in t he previous chapt er. We
communicat e our respect for ot hers by seeking t o look good for t hem. Thus t hese small,
supposedly cosmet ic changes regist er deeply. So pay at t ent ion t o t he cosmet icst o t he
sight s, sounds, and sensat ions of your business. I ask my client s: What does your business say
about you? Does it say, Were clean, we care, were organized, we t hink about our
appearance? Or is all of t his t he last t hing on your mind? Because I assure you it is not t he
last t hing on your cust omers minds; it is in fact t he first t hing on t heir minds.
A PALACE FIT FOR CAESAR
I frequent ly t each at Caesars Palace. One day, I not iced a group of paint ers set t ing up
out side. Hot els in Las Vegas are at t ract ive because t heyre const ant ly being
repaint ed, in t he same way t hat t he Eiffel Tower is const ant ly being repaint ed, so I
wasnt surprised t o see t his. What was surprising was t he large number of paint
bucket s t hey were set t ing out . I asked one of t he paint ers about it . See t his st at ue?
he said, point ing t o one nearby. It s just a lit t le whit er t han t he one behind it , so it
st ands out . Everyt hing has a code as t o what color it should be paint ed. Here at
Caesars we act ually have eight een variant s of whit e, and more t han t went y variant s
of beige.
You can see t hese prist ine, imposing buildings from t he airport . They always looks
fresh and new. Scuffs are not just washed off t he hallways; t hey are repaint ed wit hin
t hree hours. Is it expensive t o st ay t here? Sure. Yet people are flocking t o st ay and
play in t his ext raordinarily alluring place; it has a 92 percent occupancy rat e.
Aest het ics, beaut y, and cleanliness are all associat ed wit h comfort and in t urn wit h
success. This is why people st ay t here.

BEYOND THE WELCOME MAT
Once client s ent er your workplace, what do t hey experience? Is it easy for t hem t o find t heir
way? Does a st aff member immediat ely greet and assist t hem? Do t hey see order or disorder?
Is t he securit y desk imposing, inspiring respect ? Is t he recept ion desk accessible, yet
configured t o prevent visit ors from seeing propriet ary informat ion? Are t he premises free of
scuffs and scrat ches, in effect saying, Not hing is overlooked here; we care?
Whet her your business is based in one room or encompasses an ent ire building; whet her
your workspaces consist of modest cubicles or windowed suit es; whet her your plan is open or
t radit ional; whet her your facilit y is creat ive or conservat ive in cust omer appealt he ground
rules are t he same: you want t o convey an impression of order, efficiency, ut ilit y, and posit ive
energy. All of t hese say, We will t ake good and prompt care of what is of value t o you. As you
walk t hrough your workplace, check for t he following, and know t hat workspace nonverbals will
affect not only your client s percept ions of your business, but (remember t he broken-window
research) also t he at t it ude and behavior of your employees:

Our workspaces are not our homes. Just as we dress a cert ain way t o go t o work, so
t here are st andards t o maint ain in our workspaces, which do not belong t o us. If
necessary, est ablish prot ocols for workspaces as you do for appropriat e dress.
Neat ness builds t rust : It says, We are t rust wort hy st ewards of ot hers propert y,
project s, and priorit ies.
Minimize personal st at ement s: polit ical st ickers, cart oons, and cut e or risqu it ems.
Even personal phot os can unint ent ionally offend. A former colleague had a phot o on
his desk of his wife and child playing in a swimming pool on a family vacat ion. Some
people comment ed t hat t hey found t he phot o off-put t ing. It never occurred t o him
t hat a woman wearing a modest swimsuit in waist -high wat er would offend in
t odays polit ically correct environment which is precisely why we need t o be
aware of t he nonverbal messages we unconsciously send.
Have flexible seat ing if possible. Communicat ion is enhanced when people can sit at
angles, wit hout barriers bet ween t hem. Not every workspace can be configured t his
way, but if it can, it should be. If seat ing is opposit e a desk, equipment or it ems
should not impede seeing or speaking across t hat divide.
Comput ers now are all t oo oft en barriers t o t he cust omer. Unless an employees job
is dat a ent ry, comput ers should be t o t he side and not in t he middle of t he desk, so
t hat t hey do not act as obst ruct ions.
Somet imes we t hink our workplace environment is answering our cust omers comfort
needs when in fact it isnt . A law firm I deal wit h has a large, beaut iful recept ion area, flanked by
a small conference room t hat would probably seat about eight , and a main meet ing room t hat
would probably seat about t went y. Bot h are at 90 degrees t o each ot her, and all of t he rooms
are linked by French doors in an open, airy design. However, t he lead part ner in t he firm t old me
t hat aft er about nine mont hs, t hey had t o put curt ains on t he doors. They found t hat client s
involved in lawsuit s or legal issues did not want t o be seen by ot hers in t he lobby. Imagine, he
said, a woman sit t ing in one of t hese rooms confiding in her at t orney about her difficult ies wit h
her divorce. She want s complet e privacy. As beaut iful as t hose glass doors looked, t his
business recognized t hat providing t heir client s wit h privacy was part of t heir comfort dividend.
SENDING THE COMFORT MESSAGE INSIDE AND OUT
Food market s are a t ough business. Most people dont realize t hat t he profit margins
are less t han 5 percent . If youre in t he food business, it s essent ial t o make shopping
as easy and pleasurable as possible, encouraging pat rons t o become repeat
cust omers and t o ent rust t heir food purchases t o you. In Florida t heres a
supermarket chain called Publix. It is one of t he more expensive food st ores, but t he
parking lot of my neighborhood branch is always full, because Publix is mast erful at
at t ending t o pat rons comfort . Here are some of t he nonverbal comfort messages
t hat Publix sends:

No shopping cart s clut t er t he parking lot t o scrat ch cars and t urn t he lot int o an
obst acle course. Cart s are immediat ely ret rieved and made available t o
shoppers. Comfort Message: We value what is of value to you.
Hand sanit izers are locat ed next t o t he cart s. Comfort Message: Health = safety;
safety = comfort.
If you ask a Publix employee where t o find a product , youre not t old where t he
product is; youre escort ed t here, even if t he employeefrom cashier t o
st ockroom personnel t o t he st ore managerhas t o st op what he or she is
doing t o do so. Comfort Message: Meeting your needs is my most important
responsibility.
If it s raining, employees wit h umbrellas will walk shoppers t o t heir cars, and
t ipping is absolut ely forbidden. Comfort Message: Your comfort is our job.
No t at t oos are visible, no earrings or long hair are permit t ed on men, and
employees wear well-fit t ing uniforms. Comfort Message: You can trust us with
your familys food.
If people feel unsafe going int o t he parking lot , t he manager will personally
accompany t hem t o t heir cars or will arrange for someone t o do so. Comfort
Message: We care about your safety.
If for any reason you dont like a product , you can ret urn it wit h no quest ions
asked. Comfort Message: What you want and need is our priority.
You will be greet ed by t he cashier wit h a smile. Comfort Message: We are glad
youre here.
Is t his is a lit t le different from your shopping experience? Ive lived in Florida on and off
for more t han fort y years and have seen ot her food market s come and go. Publix is
rock solid and growing, even when budget s are t ight , because t hey put t heir
cust omers first , always.
Properly conceived and execut ed, curbside appeal goes beyond coat s of paint and
curt ains. It get s people in t he door, keeps t hem in, and makes t hem emot ionally invest ed in
t heir experience.
Earlier t his year, I was in t he market for a new smart phone. I had done some research, but I
had a few quest ions and also want ed t o t ry t hem out . I went int o a nat ionally known phone
st ore and was met by a sign t hat inst ruct ed me t o sign in and wait t o be served. In t he middle
of t he room were inst it ut ional-looking chairs, arranged like t hose in a public healt h clinic.
Cust omers already wait ing looked eit her bored or rest less; t he goodies (t he phones) were just
behind t hem or t o t he side, wit hin sight but beyond reach. I could see t hat t he phones on
display were anchored by short wires or under glass, making int eract ion wit h t hem impract ical
or impossible. I ent ered t he st ore ready t o buy; I left empt y-handed.
Next I went t o t he Apple st ore. As soon as I ent ered, I was greet ed by an employee who
asked what I needed. In fact , t here was an abundance of individuals ready t o help. When I t old
her what I was int erest ed in, she walked me over t o t he display, where she easily answered all
of my quest ions. What a relief it was t o receive such prompt , informed at t ent ionand I got t o
t ry out t he phones, t oo.
When I was ready t o make my purchase, I didnt have t o wait in line; t his young woman
rang everyt hing up on a port able device she carried on her hip and she said a receipt would
also be wait ing for me in my e-mail box when I got home (it was). I t hought I was having an out -
of-body experience, compared t o what happens at , say, a volume discount st ore t hat may
have only t wo checkout lanes open on a weekday out of a possible fift een. The message
t here? We value your money, but we dont value your t ime.
No wonder every Apple st ore I have ever ent ered is always full of browsers and buyers. At
t he Avent ura Mall near Miami, t here are daily lines t o get int o t he Apple st ore. Visit ing it is an
event , not only because Apple has great product s, but because it is a t reat t o be at t ended t o
by people who act ually care about t heir cust omers. I have German friends who go t o t hat
Apple st ore when t hey visit , just because t hey enjoy t he experience, and t hey always end up
buying somet hing. How many st ores do you know where simply going t here is an event ? There
arent many.
NO SHRUB TOO SMALL
Weve been working all day on cont ingency plans, t he head of securit y t old me as he
hung up wit h maint enance. He was referring t o t he st rat egy t he Busch Gardens st aff
had developed in ant icipat ion of t he severe frost expect ed t hat night , which would
likely ravage many plant s at t heir Tampa facilit y. Every damaged plant , he said, would
be replaced by t he following morning. And we dont replace one here and one t here,
he said. We put in a complet ely new row. Augie Busch insist s t hat if people are
coming t o be in t his environment , t hey are here t o see beaut iful gardens. It doesnt
mat t er t hat we just had a frost . They want t o see t he flowers. So we have
greenhouses prepared and ready wit h plant s. Even people who arrive here at nine in
t he morning will see t hat t he gardens somehow were magically unscat hed.
These examples may seem ext reme, but t hey really arent . Each is a prime illust rat ion of a
t op-t o-bot t om mission of cust omer comfort , ext ending from t he highest levels of t he company
t o t he smallest det ails. The ot her day I was driving in my neighborhood and saw a Federal
Express delivery t ruck parked next t o one of t he pickup boxes. The driver was cleaning t he
pickup box wit h Windex. It was a perfect example of a t op-t o-bot t om act ion t o sat isfy t he
comfort we derive from such subt le t hings as aest het ics and cleanlinessand from which
smart businesses can derive profit s. Yes, we do favor t he aest het ically pleasing, clean, and
orderly. That is our human nat ure.
SHOWING THAT YOU MEAN BUSINESS
Recent ly I was asked t o evaluat e t he nonverbal effect iveness of a newly decorat ed New York
office. The space looked great : clean lines; lot s of light ; fashionable but not t oo t rendy; t he kind
of place you know is being run by smart , energet ic people who have done well and will cont inue
t o do well. This is a company t hat handles large amount s of money and is ent rust ed wit h a
great deal of personal informat ion. Just one t hing is missing, I t old my host , And it s an
absolut e must . You must have paper shredders in every room and make sure t hat your client s
can see t hem, especially in your conference and meet ing rooms.
Youre all young, your company is only six years old, and youre doing t hings wit h ot her
peoples money, I explained. You want your client s t o have t he correct impression t hat not
only are you careful and discreet wit h your project swhich have made millionsbut t hat you
are also careful and discreet wit h t heir personal informat ion.
When you leave t he conference room aft er a meet ing, shred what ever not es are no
longer needed. Your client s, like all of us, are aware of indust rial espionage and ident it y t heft .
They know what t he st andard is, and each t ime you shred, youve raised t hat st andard.
What hand washing is t o t he healt h profession, shredding is t o any profession dealing wit h
financial or privat e informat ion. Wit h ident it y t heft on t he rise, my client s appreciat ed t he
suggest ion t o have shredders prominent ly displayed, as t his clear indicat ion of t heir securit y
consciousness has garnered addit ional business.
Theyve since t old me t hat while t hey couldnt quant ify a monet ary ret urn on using t he
shredders, every t ime client s see t hem in such ubiquit ous use, t hey say, What a good idea.
What at first may appear ordinary becomes exemplary of best pract ices and care for t he
int egrit y of a client s informat ion.
Anot her client , also an invest ment company, t old me how t heir superior skill at st aying
current wit h indust ry informat ion allowed t hem t o offer t heir cust omers cut t ing-edge
invest ment advice. That s t errific, I said, But how will your cust omers know t hat ? At t heir
perplexed look, I went on, You want your cust omers t o see t hat youre on t op of all of t hat
informat ion. People are visual, t hey need t o see how you manage t hat informat ion. A large
screen where your client s can see your labor will impress t he most . You dont want t o be like
everyone else, sit t ing in a cubicle wit h a small screent hat looks no different from what t hey
have at home. That wont display how powerfully you deal wit h informat ion. What you want
t hem t o see is informat ion st reaming t hrough t he heart of t his place. You want a big board at
your desk, just as in Dr. Strangelove. That ext ra-large monit or will set you apart from t he
t went y-t hree ot her invest ment firms I visit ed t his year. Your skills will carry you only so far; at
some point you have t o ent ice t hem.
They did exact ly t hat . And t hey discovered t hat client s would st op and look at how t heir
invest ment s were doing on t hese large screens, whereas previously t his informat ion had been
limit ed t o t he employees view or t o a print out . Thus a small invest ment packed a big symbolic
message, adding bot h gravit y and currency t o t he firms image, while engaging client s in t he
process.
Many nonverbal messages dont cost a great deal of money. Business cards, for example,
arent cost ly, but penet rat e deeply because t hey ent er t he possession of prospect ive client s. I
like t o t hink of t hem as curbside ext enders. Your business cards accordingly should mirror t he
st andard of your indust ryt he business cards of bankers and lawyers look different from
t hose of real est at e agent s, who oft en include a phot ograph of t hemselves on t heir cards.
Avoid cut e or funny mot ifs. St udy t he st andard in your indust ry and mirror what is being used.
Youll be happy you did.
If youre bet ween jobs or are preparing t o change jobs, make some business cards (eit her
at home on your comput er or commercially; bot h are easy and inexpensive) and use t hem t o
promot e yourself. If you know or suspect you may be leaving a job soon, begin t o use your
personal business card t o build a net work of friends and associat es. Try t o commit yourself t o
one e-mail address and one phone number and st ick wit h t hem. People are unlikely t o t ry t o
t rack you down t o get your lat est e-mail address or cell phone number.
I also advocat e lapel pins as curbside ext enders: t hey ident ify us as being part of t he
corporat e world, at t ract at t ent ion (as adornment is meant t o do), st art conversat ions, and
at t ract business. Ive been hired for seminars just on t he basis of my companys (JNForensics)
lapel pin. It s shaped like a puzzle piece, and it get s not iced: That s an int erest ing pin. What is
it ? It s a puzzle piece. I solve puzzles by t eaching people how t o read nonverbals. You
know, our companys looking for a speaker. All because of a lit t le lapel pin.
If you dont t hink lapel pins mat t er, not ice how many companies issue t hem t o t heir
employees. They get not iced, as President Obama found out when he was crit icized by Lou
Dobbs on CNN prior t o his elect ion t o be more pat riot ic and wear an American flag on his lapel.
Sure enough, at t he next public appearance, he was wearing one, and he has done so ever
since.
There are many ot her ways t o enhance curbside appeal via our accout rement s, and t oo
oft en we dont t hink t o do it . Take your briefcase, for inst ance: perhaps t heres somet hing on it ,
such as an insignia or a luggage t ag, t hat ident ifies you. And perhaps it resonat es wit h
someone and st art s a conversat ion. You never know where your next client may t urn up.
CURBSIDE APPEAL AND EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE
All t oo oft en, I see t he broken window t heory playing out in poor employee behavior st emming
from a poor work environment . Just as wearing unprofessional clot hing leads t o unprofessional
behavior (see chapt er 5), so lack of at t ent ion t o det ail in t he work environment event ually spills
int o employee at t it udes and behaviors. When I st ay in hot els t hat have bat t ered walls and
peeling baseboards, I know t heres a cert ain lack of caring in t his place. If managers permit t his
laxness in t he physical space, t heir employees will mirror it behaviorally, a lit t le at first , t hen
increasingly. In effect t hey are being t rained not t o care. So t hey bang t hings around, t hey t alk
louder in t he hallway, t hey dress sloppily, and t hey st art t o not care about t he company and
t heir proper role. Soon t heyre lit erally cut t ing corners wit h luggage and housekeeping cart s,
and now t he scuffed walls have gouges and t he hallways are dingy.
When managers demonst rat e t hat t hey care by fixing up t he place, by at t ending t o lit t le
t hings, employees get t he nonverbal message t hat t he det ails are supremely import ant , and
guess what ? Theyre proud of t hat . I know t his because Ive spoken wit h employees at such
est ablishment s. Theyre proud t hat t hey work at an except ional place. Do you know anyone
who aspires t o work at a mediocre place? People want t o t ake pride in t heir workplace and in
how t hey cont ribut e t o t hat . When management cares, employees care, and cust omers not ice.
If you havent clearly communicat ed your expect at ions t o your employees, dont blame
t hem for t ransgressing. You need not be dict at orialjust clear. Set up a prot ocol for how
cust omers will be t reat ed: How long will t hey wait before being served? What will t he
salesperson or server say? Sales and service personnel are ext remely visible. Are yours making
t he best possible impression?
ANDACTION!
In 1982, Tom Pet ers and Robert H. Wat erman Jr. published In Search of Excellence, a
best seller t hat analyzed t he pract ices of t he best -run companies in America. The
aut hors found t hat t here were basically eight at t ribut es common t o t hese successful
organizat ions. Int erest ingly, half of t hose at t ribut es speak t o t he power of nonverbals:
act ion over inact ion; cat ering t o cust omers; leading, not just managing; and
accessibilit y of leaders. According t o Pet ers and Wat erman, a businesspersons
commit ment t o act in a given sit uat iont o do somet hing, and t o do what appears t o
be right is invaluable t o success. Inact ion, oft en a reflect ion of fear (freeze
response), doubt , or lack of confidence, can be devast at ing t o an est ablished
organizat ion and most definit ely will st unt a fledgling st art -up.
Are your employees confident of what act ions t o t ake t o ensure cust omers
comfort ? For t hat mat t er, are you?
Ive always admired t he Marriot t corporat ions commit ment t o t raining, and clearly
communicat ing t he act ions expect ed from, employees. Marriot t makes sure, for example, t hat
every employeet he maid, t he valet , t he mat re d, or t he hot el managersays good morning
and looks as if he or she means it . This makes a difference. At ot her hot els, t he st aff walk by
wit hout looking you in t he eye; it s as if t heyre ashamed of somet hing. But when you walk int o
and around a Marriot t hot el and are greet ed in t his way, you feel special and t he place feels
special.
These small t hings mat t er. The ot her day, I saw a wait er at a local rest aurant t ext -
messaging in front of pat rons who were wait ing for t heir food. What message is so import ant
t hat it has t o int errupt work? This is where t raining comes in: No, you are not permit t ed t o use
your cell phone while working in t he dining room. When you have a break, you may make your
call. These days, I am even seeing cell phone misuse among flight at t endant s, who are so busy
t aking calls or t ext messaging while t he plane doors are open t hat passengers are pret t y much
left t o t hemselves as t hey board.
Above all, t heres no more powerful nonverbal t han a posit ive at t it ude, communicat ed wit h
a smile. The ot her day I was looking for a place t o meet a client for coffee. At one coffee bar, I
saw no business cards at t he cash regist er, so I asked t he cashier if t hey had any. She was
ringing up a cust omers purchase. Wit hout looking at me or t elling me she would assist me in a
moment , she t ersely replied, We dont have one right now. Wit h t hose words, she lost my
fut ure business. By cont rast , at a newly opened rest aurant t hat didnt yet have business cards,
t he cashier handed me a copy of t he menu and said wit h a smile, Our cont act informat ion is in
here, sir.
This is what many of t he examples in t his chapt er illust rat e, from t he mot el check-in line t o
t he food market t o t he comput er st ore: movement t o act ion is bet t er t han no act ion at all.
Bills Prescript ion Cent er is an incredible pharmacy in Brandon, Florida. John Noriega t ook it
over from his fat her, Bill, a few years ago, and by every measure, it has been a not ewort hy
success since 1956. This t hriving pharmacy sit s next t o a Walgreens pharmacy and is wit hin a
mile of t hree addit ional nat ional pharmacies, yet people drive t o Bills from as far away as
Orlando, more t han an hour away, t o get t heir medicat ions. Why? Because all employees move
t o act ion. No problem is t oo big t o solve. The insurance company wont pay? They will call and
work it out . The doct or wont ret urn your calls? The doct or will t ake Johns calls. If you cant
drive t here, t hey will drive t o you. If you need somet hing explained, a pharmacist will t ake t he
t ime t o explain it t o you, not just hand you a print out . When you walk t hrough t hat door
someone is at t ending t o you and he or she knows your name. Imagine t hat : genuine cust omer
care in t his day and age.
There are t wo pharmacies wit hin walking dist ance of where I live, but I drive t went y-eight
miles t o Bills because t he service and friendly at mosphere are wort h t he drive. How many
places where you live are like t hat ? Bills Prescript ion Cent er doesnt fear t he compet it ion,
because when it comes t o product and service t hey have no compet it ion; in fact t hey are t he
gold st andard few seem able t o emulat e. Because of reput at ion, people go out of t heir way t o
drive t here. Their business model is quit e simple: t reat your cust omers well and move t o act ion
for t hem as soon as t hey come t hrough t he door. Cust omers keep coming back in droves.
Just as import ant as act ion is at t it ude. At t it ude cant be measured, yet it result s in real
gains or losses in sales. Most of t he t ime, it is expressed nonverbally. We all vividly recall going
int o st ores or ot her businesses and dealing wit h someone who has a lousy at t it ude. What do
we observe in such an individual? Everyt hing from a frown t o looks of cont empt . We dont need
t hat , nor should we as cust omers reward such behavior.
On t he ot her side of t he at t it ude divide, I t hink of a part icular global bank in New York
where t he recept ion st aff st ands t o greet invest ors who ent er. Talk about feeling specialand
t alk about a nonverbal t hat is easy t o do. It t akes no effort , yet t he choreography is beaut iful
and makes a last ing impression.
Make it known t o your employees t hat present at ion is import ant t o you, as well as
performance. One should not negat e t he ot her; t hey should reinforce one anot her. Ideally,
t hese expect at ions are addressed before an employee is hired, not aft erward. I find t hat most
employees want t o excel and t o succeed; it s up t o t hose of us who have a lit t le more
experience t o t each t hem what works and doesnt work, what impresses people, and how t hey
should comport t hemselves. Once t hey have t his informat ion, employees can shine.
When it comes t o set t ing st andards, remember t hat people value synchrony and t hat
mirroring is comfort ing. It is comfort ing t o share a common st andard of behavior and
performance. The result ing cohesion benefit s your employees as well as your cust omers. This
solidarit y has many names: morale, t eam spirit , shared vision, esprit de corps. I call it t he regal
road t o excellence. It is what we must st rive t o at t ain, and we can at t ain it wit h proper
at t ent ion and care.
Finally, it is of course essent ial t hat you communicat e your st andards t o your employees
via your nonverbals: in how you greet and t reat client s and st aff; in how you maint ain your
office and yourself; in your at t it ude and in your st yle of communicat ing and behaving. In ot her
words, Do as I do, as well as what I say!
THE PERSON WHO SAYS HELLO
I was invit ed last year t o t he Time Warner Cent er in Manhat t an t o appear on a t elevision show.
It s an impressive locat ion, wit h impressive ent erprises wit hin, and I was excit ed about
appearing on t his show. For admit t ance t o t he st udio, I had t o be cleared by t he recept ionist
and t hen by securit y. I approached t he recept ionist , who was put t ing ID cards in some kind of
order. She didnt look up from her t ask as I st ood in front of her. Im list ening, she int oned.
I didnt say a word.
St ill wit hout looking up, she said, I am st ill list ening.
Well, t hen, list en t o t his, I replied. Sit up, look me in t he face, and say, Good aft ernoon,
sir.
Now she looked at me, wit h t he expression of someone whose nonsense had been put t o
an abrupt end by someone she could not int imidat e or dismiss. She immediat ely knew she had
done somet hing wrong and t hat she had picked t he wrong person wit h whom t o be
impert inent as I looked at her squarely in t he eyes wit hout so much as a blink. I st at ed my
business. She t hen t ried t o explain her rudeness.
Here is a business t hat has spent millions on archit ect ure and art work, but fails crit ically t o
t rain it s st aff and maint ain st andards. Whenever I pass t hat building now, I have almost no
recollect ion of t he TV t aping; I can remember only t he recept ionist and her cold and uninvit ing
words: Im list ening. I can only imagine how people who go t here every day must feel. Once
again I blame management for not t est ing t he syst em and for let t ing her get away wit h t hat
nonsense.
In a very real sense, recept ionist s, desk clerks, and phone operat ors are your companys
handshake: your cust omers first human cont act wit h your business. I t ell my client s, You
spend hundreds of t housands on hiring and t ens of t housands on t raining; dont forget t he first
person your client s will meet . It wont be you. That first cont act will no doubt be ent rust ed t o
someone else. They will set t he t one for any visit or t o your organizat ion. How t hey deal wit h
t he public must not be arbit rary or left t o chance. First impressions do mat t er, as we t ruly are
sensit ive t o init ial condit ions.
Being t he person who says hello isnt easy. Oft en t hese posit ions arent well paid, and
management has combined phone work, front desk work, and ot her support dut ies int o one
posit ion. People sit t ing at t hat desk need t o underst and your expect at ions and learn how t o
priorit ize compet ing t asks, deal wit h t he public, present well, and make ot hers comfort able.
The good news: a lit t le t raining goes a long way. Much can be covered in just an hour.
Take t hat hour and t alk about t he following:


Specify t he language t hat is accept able for greet ing visit ors (see Eight Magic
Words in Chapt er 6). St ress t hat t his is t he only language t hat will be accept able.
Talk about t he import ance of making eye cont act , and t he respect t his confers on
visit ors.
Set t he priorit ies: when someone is st anding in front of you, you put aside ot her
t asks. If youre on t he phone, finish t he call; t hen t end t o t he person in front of you
before t aking anot her call.
Explain t hat t he reflexive response t o t he ringing phone is underst andable, but t hat
you must override t hat response when a cust omer is in front of you: If it s import ant ,
callers will call back. The person in front of you doesnt have t hat opt ion.
Discuss appropriat e prot ect ion of company and client informat ionspoken, writ t en,
and on screen.
Review t he company dress code and discuss t he import ance of first impressions.

EIGHT MAGIC WORDS
There are eight magic words t hat convey bot h welcome and respect , and t herefore
are highly comfort ing. When greet ing guest s, your recept ion st aff should be required
t o use t hem: Good morning (or good aft ernoon), sir (or madam). How may I help you?
Impress upon your st aff t hat no ot her greet ing is accept able. Not Yes? Hi, how
are you? Can I help you? Hello, Hiya, What s up? What ? or What can I do for
you? The one and only greet ing t hat is permit t ed and not t o be wavered from is:
Good morning, sir (or madam). How may I help you? And it is t o be said wit h a smile.
Anyt hing less from your employees is just not accept able.
Then out line t he nonverbal requirement s t hat accompany t his greet ing:

Say it wit h direct eye gazet hat is, give t he cust omer t he respect of your full
at t ent ion.
Say it wit h a smile as if applying for a jobremember a smile is an essent ial and
powerful nonverbal.
If you are in t he middle of a phone call, say it as soon as t he call ends.
Do not answer t he next call unt il you assist t he person st anding in front of you.
Process what ever request is made of you as expedit iously as possible.
Clue in t he cust omer as t o what you are doing t o assist him or her.
No rolling of eyes, smirks, sneers, or ot her disrespect ful nonverbals of any kind
for any reason.
No magazine reading or online socializing.
No personal calls while on dut y. You may t hink no one can t ell youre t alking t o
your friends, but it is obvious.


DEFEND THE DETAILS
Once youve set your st andards and communicat ed t hem clearly, be vigilant about maint aining
your curbside appeal. St andards slip by degrees. No one means t o be lax, but were all busy, we
all get dist ract ed, and it s t empt ing not t o invest t he energy needed t o keep t he bar high. A
few busy days when t he eight magic words arent said become a pat t ern of weeks and
mont hs. Phones ring t oo long. Cust omers arent greet ed or served prompt ly. Enjoyment of t he
fancy new coffeemaker becomes a jumble of unwashed mugs on t he kit chenet t e count er. File
boxes st ack up in t he hallways. Light s burn out in t he parking lot . Client s not ice it allperhaps
in secondsand it all regist ers in t he brain, where last ing opinions are made. One person can
undo t he work of many. Remember t he power of t hin slice assessment s and your t op-t o-
bot t om mission of comfort , and never feel youre being pet t y in defending t he det ails or
seemingly small t hings.
THE VIRTUAL CURB
Complet e t his st at ement :
People will leave a Web sit e if t hey cannot find what t heyre looking for wit hin:

a) 3 seconds
b) 7 seconds
c) 10 seconds
d) 15 seconds

Answer: 7 seconds
Your Web sit e is a highly visible nonverbaland perhaps t he first such cont act a
cust omer will have wit h your company. In fact , if t hat cont act becomes verbal, it s usually a bad
sign: t he cust omer cursing in annoyance at t he slowness or lack of navigabilit y of your sit e.
I find t hat businesspeople rarely ask, What did you t hink of our Web sit e? Yet we need
t o assess how our Web sit es appear, not just by present ing t hem t o people wit hin our
organizat ions, but by solicit ing t he opinions of t he public. If you do t his, you may hear t hings like
It t ook t oo long t o load, or It was a lit t le dist ract ing, or It t ook me a while t o find t he
informat ion I was looking for. Pay at t ent ion t o such feedback because as a leading Int ernet
researcher, Amy Africa (www.eight byeight .com), has found, people will spend a very limit ed
amount of t ime on a Web sit e. If t hey dont find what t heyre looking for wit hin seven seconds
or less, unless it s somet hing t hat t hey desperat ely need, t heyll go somewhere else.
KEY RULES OF THUMB FOR WEB SITE NONVERBALS

It has t o load quickly.
Businesspeople want informat ion quickly, not cut ely.
It has t o be appealing t o t he eye: The colors should not be overly flashy; t here
should not be an excessive amount of dist ract ing movement ; everyt hing should
be easy t o see.
The number of select ions should not be overwhelming. People would rat her
select from four or five it ems per page and be shown more pages t han be
shown one page wit h a dizzying number of choices; it is t oo much t o sort
t hrough.
Each new select ion should deepen visit ors engagement wit h t he sit e by
cust omizing your offerings t o t heir needs (cat egorize informat ion).
Reward visit ors visually as t hey deepen t heir search (clicking on kayak leads t o
a background phot o of kayaks. Clicking on river-wort hy leads t o images of
people doing river kayaking). Visuals add emot ion t o t he verbal informat ion.
Remember t he visual cort ex is a large part of our brain. Keep t he visual cort ex
engaged.
Fast and clear t rumps slow and complex. It s preferable t o have a single Web
page t hat pops up quickly t han a complex sit e t hat t akes forever t o load. You
may be a brilliant pract it ioner of your craft , but cust omers will never know it if
your sit e t akes t oo long t o load.
Encourage visit ors t o your sit e t o t ake act ion, be it regist ering for informat ion,
int eract ing wit h t he help cent er, or making it easy for t hem t o Buy Now.

Bot t om line: Companies spend a great deal of money t o creat e elaborat e Web sit es, but if
t heir cust omers cant access t he sit e quickly or if it doesnt respond t o buyers product
preferences and Int ernet behaviors, t he companies are spending money t o lose business. Your
Web sit e is a nonverbal ext ension of you and your business. Consider what it says about you,
and guard it well.

A FRIEND of mine, referring t o humans inspiring capacit y t o t riumph over adversit y, likes t o
say, Everybody has a st ory. He has a point . We never really know our cust omers st ories. We
never really know t heir circumst ances or t he sacrifices t hey have made. They could be
ent rust ing us wit h t heir life savings. That new comput er or car could be a long-ant icipat ed,
long-saved-for luxury. That house could be t he first excit ing purchase a couple makes. That
seaside t rip could be an elderly couples last vacat ion t oget her. When we respect t he t rust our
cust omers are ext ending t o us, t he nat ural result is t he desire t o be wort hy of t hat t rust .
Curbside appeal will help you demonst rat e t hat desire t o your client s, and it will help you t o be
wort hy of t he t rust t hey place in you. We are t here t o enrich t heir experience, and in so doing
we t oo st and t o gain.
7

SITUATIONAL NONVERBALS: BEST PRACTICES FOR
BEST RESULTS
THE FOUR at t orneys and t wo legal assist ant s represent ing t he shipping company st ood in
t he recept ion areaan impressive wall of navy blue suit s, legal pads and, no doubt , billable
hours. I was t here assist ing my friend, an at t orney, who was represent ing t he plaint iff, a man
paralyzed aft er being hit by a t ruck from t hat same shipping company. The at t orneys had
come t o my friends offices t o conduct a deposit ion t hat was expect ed t o be fairly
st raight forward. They were also t here t o t ry t o int imidat e.
When my friend asked for my assessment , I said, They are here t o bully your client , and
well have t o act quickly. They never said t hey were bringing a phalanx of at t orneys, and we
are not going t o fall for t heir ploy.
We immediat ely moved t he office st aff t o t he main conference room so it appeared t hat a
large meet ing was in progress. My friend, t he plaint iff, and I t hen set ourselves up in t he
smallest of t he conference rooms, which would comfort ably seat five. Aft er a few minut es, my
friend went out and led t he group in. As t hey ent ered t he small meet ing room and realized t his
was as good as it was going t o get , t he silence was deafening. Event ually, aft er some
discussion among t hemselves, t hey arrived at a decision: t wo at t orneys and one assist ant
st ayed; everyone else left .
As for our ot her t act ics: We made sure opposing counsel was seat ed as close as possible
t o our paralyzed client . I saw t o it t hat we gave t he last chair t o t he legal assist ant so my friend
could remain st anding t hroughout t he meet ing, exuding dist ance and dominance in t hat small
space. What ever int imidat ion st rat egy t he ot her side had in mind, it wit hered before it began.
This case went on for mont hs, but t hey never t ried t hat st unt again. In fact , only one
at t orney was present during arbit rat ion; t hey had learned a lesson. In t he end, for all t heir
blust ering and delays, t hey paid t he damages exact ly as we had hoped. The plaint iffs injuries
were permanent , he would never walk again, he would always be in pain, and t hey had a
responsibilit y t o t ake care of t his man and his family for t he rest of his life. Case precedent was
very clear, and all t he delays, brinkmanship, and at t empt s t o int imidat e amount ed t o not hing,
but it could have gone t he ot her way. My friends law firm is a small operat ion, but he was not
going t o allow his client t o be int imidat ed, and I admire him for t hat . Had we gone forward
wit hout t aking count ermeasures against t he opposit ions init ial maneuver, t he plaint iff might
have felt overwhelmed, even deject ed, as so oft en happens wit h accident vict ims facing
powerful organizat ions. These are t he kinds of t hings you dont learn in law school, and I
suspect t heyre not covered in business school, but t hey are import ant t o level t he playing field.
Aft er Ive st ressed in previous chapt ers t he import ance of est ablishing comfort when
doing business, it may seem cont radict ory t hat Ive just shared an example of doing just t he
opposit e. I do so for good reasons: First , it s surprisingly easy t o induce discomfort in ot hers if
you are nonverbally int elligent . Second, you should t herefore exercise t his power wit h rest raint
and use it only when ot hers are at t empt ing t o int imidat e or coerce you or ot hers. Third, you
can use nonverbals t o gain an advant age in sit uat ions where t he odds seem st acked against
you. Fourt h, your nonverbal influence can and should begin t he moment you say helloor
preferably, as youll learn, even earlier.
GREETINGS AND INTRODUCTIONS
The import ance of greet ings cannot be overest imat ed. It is t he first t ime st rangers come
t oget her in close proximit y and experience ot her people wit h all of t he senses: see t hem, hear
t hem, speak t o t hem, smell t hem, and (oft en) t ouch t hem, usually via a handshake. In t hese
first few moment s, we form our first and most import ant t hin slice assessment s of one anot her
and forge our first social links and impressions. This is where our first bonds of t rust are
est ablished, and so it is no small mat t er.
APPROACHING MEN VERSUS APPROACHING WOMEN
For greet ings or init ial meet ings, men should t ry t o approach each ot her at angles rat her t han
head-on. If you find t his is not possible, t hen immediat ely aft er greet ing each ot her, move
slight ly t o t he side just a few degrees; doing so is more conducive t o est ablishing a collegial
environment . Even when greet ing people youve known for a while, pract ice moving t o t he side,
and you will find t hat t his is a more comfort able posit ion for int eract ing.
In cont rast , women feel more vulnerable if approached at angles. It s bet t er t o approach a
woman direct ly, giving her a lit t le more space, and t o remain t hat way unt il she indicat es
ot herwise nonverbally by rot at ing t o angles as she begins t o feel more comfort able (see
figures 37 and 38). Women are part icularly sensit ive t o space violat ions or t o at t empt s t o be
t oo friendly t oo soon, so be aware and wait for her cues t o move t o a more comfort able angle.

fig. 37

A handshake is our first permissible touch; it should mirror the other persons
handshake.


fig. 38

Standing at an angle is more conducive to conversation than standing directly in front of
another person.
If youre joining t wo people already in conversat ion, not e t hat when t wo individuals are
t alking face t o face and t heir feet are point ed at each ot her, chances are t hey do not want t o
be int errupt ed. They may rot at e at t he hips t o face you as t hey greet you (a social grace), but
if t heir honest feet remain unchanged, t hey want t o be left alone.
OUR FIRST TOUCH
The handshake, as ment ioned, is t he apex of t he first -meet ing experience, as it s one of t he
few t imes we allow someone t o violat e our space and t ouch us. Touch is so import ant t hat
t here are innumerable social and cult ural codes as t o precisely when t ouching is allowable and
how we may use it in greet ing. In some places, people dont shake hands; t hey may kiss, hug,
rub noses, t ouch chest t o chest , or any number of ot her greet ing behaviors. The handshake is
nevert heless probably t he most common form of greet ing.
In New York, t he handshake is fairly st raight forward: t wo palms meet in a firm yet easy
grip, last ing a few seconds, wit h a few light pumps. It should be accompanied by vent ral
front ing, a direct eye gaze, and a t rue smile. In Ut ah you can do it more firmly and for a longer
period of t ime; in Los Angeles, it is brief; in t he Midwest , a handshake may be replaced by a
hand wave. In Bogot , Colombia, as in many ot her count ries (for example, Romania, Russia,
France, Argent ina), you shake hands wit h t he men, while t he women, if t hey feel comfort able,
will offer t heir cheek for an air-kiss, considered cust omary in bot h business and social set t ings.
As you can see, cont ext , cult ure, and social norms st rongly shape comfort levels for greet ings
and t ouching.
Weve all had experiences where shaking somebodys hand left us wit h a negat ive
impressionyou know, t he person who squeezes your hand t oo t ight ly, or pumps it t oo much,
or t orques your wrist so his hand is on t op in a misguided effort t o make you feel inferior, or
probes your inner wrist wit h his index finger (uuuugh!), or shakes your hand wit h a weak, limp
grip. Then t heres t he worst handshake of all, t he one Id bet t er not ever cat ch anyone doing
who has read t his book: t he polit icians handshake, in which one person engulfs t he ot her
persons hand in bot h of his or hers (figure 39). No one likes it , so dont do it . If you want t o
reinforce t hat you like somebody, dont do t he polit icians handshake; inst ead, t ouch t he
persons arm or elbow wit h t he ot her hand (see figure 40).
Now t hat we know t he bad handshakes, how do we ensure a good one? That depends
on who you are and where you arein ot her words, on cont ext . The most import ant t hing t o
remember is t o t ry t o mirror t he behavior of t he person youre greet ing. Always sense t he ot her
handshake and apply just t he same amount of pressureno more, no less. A good handshake
should feel good. And if you should receive an awful handshake, what ever you do, dont
grimace (many of us do t his unconsciously, so be prepared). Accept it and move on,
remembering t hat not all cult ures place emphasis on a st rong handshake.

fig. 39

The politicians handshake, which entraps the hand, is an absolute no-no!


fig. 40

If you want to reinforce a handshake, do so by touching the upper arm or elbow. Dont
cover the persons hand with yours.

THE GOLDEN TOUCH
One reason I place so much emphasis on t his init ial opport unit y t o t ouch is t hat we
now know how powerful t ouch can be in est ablishing rapport and good relat ions.
Scient ific research has shown t hat physical t ouch act ually enhances profit s. Touch
leads t o t he release of oxyt ocin, a brain chemical essent ial t o building relat ionships. In
essence, it makes us more pliable t o ot hers. Consequent ly, t he more we t ouch, t he
more t rust wort hy we are perceived t o be and t he bet t er our chances of est ablishing a
warm, collegial relat ionship. Wait resses have long known t his int uit ively: when
cust omers are t ouched, t hey t ip more. For us, a gent le t ouch t o t he forearm t o
emphasize a point or t o guide someone where t o sit will generat e t hose posit ive
feelings also. Having said t his, I should not e t hat some people dont like t o be t ouched
at all, and you will have t o be sensit ive t o t hat , but for t he most part , t ouching is a
good t hing.

OUR PERSONAL SPACE
This is a good t ime t o t alk about spat ial needs, as issues of personal space oft en arise
immediat ely aft er we shake hands. Your personal spat ial needst hat is, t he amount of space
t hat you need around you in order t o feel comfort ableare bot h a personal and a cult ural
mat t er. Where you grew up will oft en det ermine how much personal space you need. If youre
from a Medit erranean count ry or from Sout h America, youll feel comfort able wit h people
st anding very close t o you. If youre from Nort h America, you may feel more comfort able if
people st and at least at arms lengt h. The ant hropologist Edward Hall has writ t en about t his
subject ext ensively and coined t he t erm proxemics t o describe t his int angible yet defined
bubble of space each of us needs.
What Hall found, and what by now you recognize, is t hat we all have spat ial preferences.
In a crowded elevat or, it s okay if someone st ands just inches away, but it s not accept able
when youre get t ing money from an ATM. Such proxemic violat ions, even when unint ent ional,
cause us t o have negat ive limbic responses t hat put us on alert and make us t enseso t ense,
in fact , t hat t hey can disrupt our concent rat ion.
We can avoid creat ing t his discomfort in ot hers quit e simply by assessing for spat ial needs
during our first encount er wit h someone. Aft er shaking hands, t ake a st ep back and see if t he
person moves closer, holds his or her ground, moves back, or t urns slight ly. These movement s
offer clues regarding spat ial needs, as t he person is self-adjust ing t o you. What oft en happens
as t wo individuals grow more fond of each ot her is t hat t hey will increment ally move closer
t oget her during t heir conversat ion.
While it s import ant t o honor spat ial needs, you shouldnt draw t oo many inferences from
t hem. Some people just prefer t o be far apart , while ot hers feel offended if you are not wit hin
breat h lengt h. Each cult ure is different , so get t o know t he people you will be meet ing. In t he
Medit erranean and in Lat in America, as well as in Arab count ries, people st and closer t oget her;
in ot her count ries, people prefer great er dist ances. The only way t o know is t o observe closely
and t ry t o mirror t he local norm.
Rank and st at us also come int o play. It is almost universal t hat people of higher st at us will
expect you t o not crowd t hem and t o give t hem ext ra space. They may let you know by
backing away or by t urning sideways t o you or by placing t heir hands behind t heir back (t his
gest ure means, Dont t ouch me or draw near t o me!). They may also do it by a more discreet
met hod oft en associat ed wit h high-st at us individuals. Not e when someone, usually a superior
or higher-st at us person, shakes your hand while keeping t heir ot her hand in t heir coat pocket
wit h t heir t humb st icking out of t heir coat pocket , t hey are saying, We are not equals; I am
superior t o you (see figure 41). This behavior is oft en seen among college professors,
at t orneys, and doct ors. Dont let it get t o you; just be aware of it and t ake delight in knowing
what it means (t hey probably dont ).

fig. 41

Thumbs protruding from pockets is a high-status display. It can signify We are not
equals.

MEETINGS BY DESIGN
When I lect ure on nonverbals, I oft en say t hat t here are t wo kinds of meet ings, and t wo ways
t o describe t hem: t he Whit e House and Camp David. The Whit e House is t he official seat of
t he presidency, associat ed wit h prot ocol, power, privilege, and formalit y. Camp David is t he
president s ret reat , associat ed wit h privacy, int imacy, and repose. It s no surprise t hat some of
t he great breakt hroughs in policy and foreign relat ions have been forged at Camp David. Why?
One reason is t hat in a comfort able, non-formal environment , people t end t o feel more amiable.
Environment affect s mood; t here is no quest ion about t his.
A relaxed, privat e, and beaut iful set t ing such as t hat found at Camp David fost ers a
friendly social at mosphere; it enhances communicat ion as well as face t ime (no need t o rush)
and a problem-solving at t it ude. The seat ing t here is informal: guest s sit side by side or at
angles rat her t han opposit e each ot her (t he lat t er is really one of t he worst ways t o get
anyt hing done). Individuals can t hus mirror one anot her wit h great er ease and have, quit e
lit erally, fewer obst acles bet ween t hem. At t endees can go for walks (which, because of
synchrony and mirroring, are conducive t o t alking openly), can part icipat e in recreat ional
act ivit ies such as bicycling, and, import ant ly, can share a meal t oget her rat her t han just a
snack. Can you t hink of a bet t er at mosphere for achieving a meet ing of minds?
Somewhere bet ween t hese t wo examplest he Whit e House and Camp Davidis how
we should be t hinking of our meet ing, depending on what we want t o achieve. Somet imes we
need t o get away so we can t hink out side t he box, free of t he pressures of t ime, phone calls,
e-mails, urgent mat t ers, or our usual environment . There are ot her t imes when a st erile,
ut ilit arian set t ing can make for fast meet ings and fast decision making. So be aware t hat
environment , as t he research t ells us, does affect product ivit y, mood, and even creat ivit y.
People like t o complain about meet ings, but a properly run meet ing can fost er harmony
and rapport . Were a social species and need t o congregat e. Oft en in my FBI work I wouldnt
gat her wit h ot her agent s for mont hs. Every once in a while, it was good for us just t o be
t oget her t o t alk about work as well as our personal lives. Isolat ion is different from
independence. Americans are known for t heir abilit y t o perform independent ly and t o t ake
init iat ive, but isolat ion is unhealt hy and can even become pat hological. People who work from
home oft en t ell me t hey miss t he int eract ion, even if occasional, wit h t heir work mat es. For t he
sake of t eamwork, t ry t o get t oget her as a group every once in a while t o let everyone know
what s going on and t hat you are all part of t he same organizat ion on t he same t raject ory.
Below are guidelines for preparing t he underlying nonverbals t hat make for successful
meet ings.
SET YOUR GOALS AND THEN SET THE MOOD
What is t he purpose of t he meet ing? Oft en t his is assumed but not st at ed and even more
rarely planned for. Everyt hing should flow from t he meet ings purpose. If t wo individuals must
come t o t erms, why put t hem in a conference room cont aining a dozen chairs? Perhaps a
smaller, more int imat e space wit h right -angle seat ing will encourage more open discussion.
Everyt hing should be done wit h t he convenience and comfort of your most import ant
at t endees in mind. If not hing else, be aware of your guest s and t heir needs first and foremost .
Timing, for inst ance, is crit ical. What may be a good t ime for you may be t errible for
someone facing a long commut e or air t ravel. A simple phone call will assess what would be
best for t he ot her part y and will enhance t he mood of t he meet ing. Wit h so much at st ake in
t he discussions, everyt hing should be geared t o creat ing a set t ing conducive t o openness,
progress, and agreement .
Remember t hat issues of st at us, t errit ory, and seniorit y are long-st anding social norms
t hat must always be at t ended t o. What does t he royal t reat ment ent ail in business? In t he
end, it need not ent ail t hat much. Some ideas include: a reserved parking space wit h t he
guest s name, a nameplat e for a large meet ing, having t he guest s chosen beverage at hand or
at least bot t led wat er nearby, meet ing your guest at t he curb, t aking care of t he parking
charges, providing a privat e space where he or she can make a phone call or have use of a
comput er. It doesnt t ake long t o call ahead and ask what is needed, nor, usually, t o provide it .
And t he comfort dividend you will reap is enormous. These small t hings go a long way. What
you want t o do is creat e an environment where people want t o spend t ime wit h you.
SET THE STAGE
As Ive not ed, t he environment where your meet ing t akes place is conducive t o t he happiness,
energy, and product ivit y of t he group. Make sure t he space is clean, orderly, and prepared wit h
any supplies, mat erials, or equipment needed. See t he room as t he client will see it : Does t his
space say t hat you are responsible and t rust wort hy? One manager I know carefully checks t he
conference room about half an hour before visit ors arrive t o make sure t he chairs are pushed in
and t he t able is clean and empt y of confident ial handout s and refreshment s from previous
meet ings.
Dont limit meet ings t o t he conference room. Ive had some of my most product ive
meet ings in coffee shops, at out door cafs, or while walking in a park (t he nonconfront at ional,
side-by-side, synchronous process of walking encourages communicat ion). It depends on
what s needed t o accomplish t he goal. At a minimum, a meet ing should be in a place where
t heres quiet , lit t le dist ract ion, and access t o what you need t o accomplish your goal. Anyt hing
t hat expedit es t he process enhances t he meet ing.
Remember we have a survival inst inct t o orient t oward movement , so beware of
int errupt ions: ot hers t aking cell phone calls, checking e-mail, ent ering t he room, or passing by.
Many people put t heir smart phones on t he t able, not realizing t hat t he sporadically flashing
light is dist ract ing. Even worse, as we saw during President Obamas February 24, 2009, St at e
of t he Union Address before Congress, people in t he audience were act ually using t heir
smart phones; t his is not only dist ract ing, it is rude.
Beware, t oo, of act ivit y out side windows. I recent ly passed a ground-floor office where t he
conference t able was set against t he windows. Passersby readily looked in, and Im sure
meet ing at t endees were dist ract ed by t he const ant movement on t he st reet .
Many modern open office plans place t he conference room at t he hub of t he surrounding
act ivit y. It looks great but loses effect iveness from a nonverbal st andpoint : ongoing act ivit ies
are dist ract ing, and t he lack of privacy may inhibit sensit ive discussions.
THE HASSLE TEST
Meet ing planning is easy if you simply t hink of t he comfort and convenience of your
client . I call it t he hassle t est .
Ive been asked many t imes by a cert ain universit y t o lect ure at t heir campus.
Each t ime Ive agreed, it s been a hassle. First , it is a difficult place t o find parking, for
which we as guest s have t o pay. Parking also is so far from buildings t hat carrying all
t he inst ruct ional mat erials (handout s, lect ure not es, and comput er equipment )
becomes a significant burden. The last t ime I was t here, I walked for well over a
quart er-mile in a sudden downpour carrying all my mat erials, which got soaked. At
t hat point I decided, I dont want t o do t his anymore. It s a hassle.
Ive heard businesspeople t alking about meet ing wit h a new prospect , and
someone will pipe up, It s not wort h it . I was up t here last year, it s a hassle t o get
t here, and what t hey have t o offer isnt t hat good. And a pot ent ial t ransact ion dies
because of t he hassle fact or.
Compare t his wit h Fidelit y Invest ment s. When Ive lect ured t here, Im impressed at
how guest s are t reat ed. Someone is t here at t he curb t o meet you, escort you int o
t he building past securit y, t ake care of your luggage, and ask whet her youd like a
drink. A small office is set aside where you can make phone calls, and a comput er is
made available. When you leave, you t hink, I want t o come back. That
at t ent iveness, which really amount s t o making one person responsible for guest s for
about an hour, is really not t oo much t o ask, and it cont ribut es invaluably t o t he
client s experience.
The quest ion every businessperson should ask at end of t he meet ing is Would t he
person I just met wit h be willing t o come back t o meet wit h me in t his space? If you review t he
experience and see t hat it was a hassle t o locat e t he building, a hassle t o find parking, a hassle
t o get t hrough securit y, a hassle because t he guest s had t o be escort ed t o t he bat hroom, a
hassle t o get a copier t o work, I guarant ee you t hat t his person will at a minimum debat e
whet her or not t o meet wit h you again.
TURN ON YOUR NONVERBAL RADAR
Not hing should be left t o chance when meet ing wit h ot herst hat s why you must have your
radar on. Wit h t he confidence of knowing youve planned well, once youre in t he room,
remember t o relax and observe, wit h part icular alert ness t o displays of discomfort which can
bring issues of concern t o light or pacifying behavior, which may bet ray point s of vulnerabilit y.
No nonverbals are t oo small t o be considered beneat h not ice in such sessions, so wat ch
for microgest ures. I oft en look for subt le t ension in t he lower eyelids as people read cont ract s
or ot her mat erials. It is a reliable blocking behavior indicat ing t hat t he person is seeing
somet hing problemat ic.
The more import ant t he meet ing, t he more import ant it is t o ret urn t o t he fundament als of
nonverbal int elligence. Relax your eyes, relax your mind, and look for t he nonverbals of comfort
and discomfort as well as int ent ion cues t hat you know will be t here, as t he body reveals how
we feel and what we favor and find unfavorable, wit h leaning in and leaning away; wit h vent ral
front ing and blading; wit h eye blocks and leg blocks; wit h t errit orial and ot her confidence
displays; wit h shift ing our feet t o show our wish t o leave, and so on. Wat ch t he ent ire body, not
just t he face (t his is where not being seat ed at a t able can be useful). Figures 4244 show a
few examples of t he nonverbals t hat appear frequent ly during meet ings and while you are
int eract ing wit h ot hers.
Remember t hat nonverbal informat ion will const ant ly be flowing, so use it t o your
advant age. The very presence of your guest becomes a key t o your success, now t hat you are
nonverbally int elligent .

fig. 42

A forward lean between two people signifies comfort and synchrony. It can be fleeting
(during the taking of photos) or it can last for hours during courtship.


fig. 43

We lean away from things and people we dont likeeven from colleagues when they
say things with which we disagree.


fig. 44

Exhaling through puffed-out cheeks pacifies us. Its a behavior often seen when we are
relieved (e.g., having just avoided an accident or a disagreeable task).

THE MICROGESTURES THAT SAVED MILLIONS
I remember at t ending a negot iat ion bet ween t wo overseas shipping companies.
When I met wit h t he Brit ish t eam prior t o t he session, t hey said, in essence, Well go
in and list en t o t hem, and t heyll list en t o us, and youll wat ch.
No, I said. You didnt hire me t o sit and wat ch you guys t alk. Were going t o go
t hrough t he cont ract , paragraph by paragraph. They prot est ed t hat it would t ake
forever. I count ered t hat if t he goal was t o close t he deal, t his was t he way t o do it .
Were going t o see which paragraphs t hey like, which paragraphs t hey dont like, and
well t ake care of any issues here and now, I said.
That s just what we did. As we reviewed t he cont ract , I kept passing not es under
t he t able t o t he lead Brit ish negot iat or next t o me: Theres an issue hereand here
and here. Im sure t he lead French negot iat or wondered how we somehow zeroed in
on every point of cont ent ion. He didnt realize he was pursing his lips every t ime he
saw language he didnt like. In t he end, we avoided many cost ly modificat ions t hat my
Brit ish cohort s had been prepared t o offer in order t o come t o t erms, saving my
ecst at ic client millions of dollars.
I call t hat a good days work.

USE SEATING STRATEGICALLY
If you t hink seat ing isnt import ant , ask t he Whit e House prot ocol officer who t riple-checks
every det ail of seat ing at st at e funct ions. Teachers know t hat where st udent s sit in a
classroom equat es wit h whet her or not t heyll pay at t ent ion and cont ribut e t o discussions.
Even mobst ers work out not only where t hey will meet , but , more import ant , where t hey will sit .
Ult imat ely, seat ing depends on what you want t o accomplish. In some ways it s quit e
simple: We get more done when people sit next t o us or at right angles t o us. For reasons t hat
are unclear (alt hough t here are many hypot heses), research on seat ing behaviors shows t hat
we get less done when seat ed opposit e each ot her. Sit t ing on a couch side by side or in chairs
side by side or at angles will do t he t rick effect ively.
Im oft en asked if visit ors should be seat ed at t he head of a rect angular conference t able.
It s cert ainly an opt ion, but a visit or may expect you t o sit t here, as t he meet ing is t aking place
on your t urf. One way t o solve t his conundrum is t o invit e your guest t o choose: Where would
you like t o sit ? They will eit her select t heir seat or defer t o you. But if you have an agenda for
t he meet ingfor inst ance, if youre an at t orney negot iat ing wit h t he ot her sideyou want t o
t ell t hem where t o sit , as t his subt ly est ablishes boundaries and places you subconsciously in
charge.
If you aim t o impress, place t he person you care about most t o your right , seat ed close t o
you.
When meet ing in someones office, I like it (and Im sure you do, t oo) when Im invit ed t o sit
not in a chair opposit e t he desk, but rat her on t he couch, if t here is one off t o t he side. It makes
me feel special and it is less formal. If you want t o have bad or poor communicat ions, seat
someone on t he ot her side of your desk; it creat es not only a barrier, but also dist ance. No
warm-and-fuzzy t here. This point would seem obvious, yet how many offices have you seen
wit h precisely t his layout ? It s not very prudent , unless dist ance is t he message you want t o
convey.
USE TIME EFFICIENTLY AND CUE OTHERS TO DO THE SAME
I worked for a special agent in charge in Phoenix who was a t errific leader. He hat ed t o wast e
t ime. He would come in, st at e how many minut es we hadusually no more t han t hirt yand
lay his wat ch on t he t able. I assure you everyones eyes were on t hat wat ch and on our own.
Meet ings t hat used t o go on and on suddenly became short and focused.
In some sit uat ions, you might choose t o do t he same, but in general, always be respect ful
of t he value of your guest s t ime. When planning t he meet ing, ask if t here are t ime const raint s
(a plane or t rain t o cat ch; anot her meet ing). During t he meet ing, t rack t he t ime or ask someone
t o do so and alert you prior t o t he end t ime. You may say, I not ice we have about fift een
minut es before you need t o leave. Shall we schedule a t ime t o cont inue t he discussion?
Be aware t hat in many cult ures, t ime is very flexible, and you may be expect ed t o ext end
t he t ime of t he meet ing so t hat everyone is heard or so t hat employees may socialize as part
of t he meet ing process. Or you are expect ed at t he end of t he meet ing t o go out for drinks,
where t he real work t akes place. Be aware of what may be expect ed of you and prepare.
THOSE WHO ATTEND ALSO HAVE A ROLE
If you dont have a leading or speaking role in a meet ing, you st ill have an import ant role as an
int elligent and mot ivat ed employee. Pay absolut e at t ent ion. Display t he nonverbals of int erest
and confidence: lean forward, vent rally front your boss or whoever is speaking, and keep your
hands quiet and visible. Avoid doodling, pen chewing, and ot her fidget ing t hat implies anxiet y or
boredom. Do not dist ract by using or even handling your PDA or cell phone (t urn t hem off
before you go in), or by surrept it ious glances at ot hers, and dont engage in side conversat ions.
Remember, movement s are dist ract ing, so keep t hem t o a minimum, especially when someone
else is delivering a message.
Seeing t wo heads t oget her in chit chat is inst ant ly not iceable, as is covert e-mail act ivit y.
Ive had CEOs t ell me t hat not hing bot hers t hem more t han when t heyre sharing t heir pearls
of wisdom and some employee decides at t hat moment t hat he has somet hing absolut ely
crit ical t hat has t o be whispered t o somebody else. Whisperers and e-mail checkers t hink
t heyre not being not iced, but from t he head of t he t able or t he podium, all is visible.
Also be aware t hat you can enhance t he message of t he main present er by being in
agreement nonverbally when appropriat e. Merely by mirroring t he lead speakers body
language, you can communicat e t hat you are bot h on t he same page and in harmony.
WHEN THINGS GET TENSE
Tension and acrimony achieve not hing. If you feel t hat t ension is rising, t ake a moment t o
address it , because emot ions will always override logic. Here are some nonverbal ways t o deal
wit h t ension in order t o lower t he t emperat ure in any discussion:
TEN WAYS TO DEFUSE TENSION (YOURS OR THEIRS)
Any business int eract ion can induce t ension, but negot iat ions especially so. Here are
some nonverbals you can engage t o dispel st ress:

1. Lean back; concede space.
2. Dont st are int ent ly; break your gaze by focusing elsewhere on t he body.
3. Dont st and wit h arms crossed or arms akimbo.
4. Angle slight ly away from your opponent . By changing your angle, you will lower
t he t ension.
5. Take a deep breat h and exhale longer t han you inhaled. Invariably, t he people
around you will mirror your calming act ion wit hout your having t o say, Set t le
down.
6. Take a break from what you are doing: I need a lit t le t ime t o t hink t his over
Let s t ake a short break Ill need t went y-four hours t o review t his.
7. Cross your legs while st anding, as well as t ilt ing your head, t o help lessen
t ension bet ween individuals.
8. St and up and move slight ly away. Dist ance has a dual power: it t ends t o reduce
t ension, and you garner great er aut horit y by st anding.
9. Take a walk t oget her. It s t ough t o be acrimonious when you walk side by side.
10. Break bread or have a drink t oget her. Sharing food engenders t rust , fost ering
reciprocit y and cooperat ion.


MAKING THE CONNECTION: PHONE NONVERBALS
Many t hink nonverbals cant be discerned on t he phone, but t hat s a mispercept ion. Phone
nonverbals can be t elling, since people know t hey cant be observed, so t hey t hink you cant
read t hem.
If you doubt t hat phone nonverbals are reliable indicat ors of our emot ional st at e, recall 911
calls t hat are periodically played on t he news. Not ice how st ress significant ly alt ers t he callers
t one, pit ch, speed, and volume. Let s hope your business calls dont resemble t hese, but t hese
element s should be list ened for. Also be alert t o speech errors and hesit at ions (uh, um, and
ah,) and noises (t hroat clearing, hmm, exhaling t hrough pursed lips, whist ling, or making
noises wit h lips or t ongue). All are pacifying behaviors: t ongue and mout h noises are grown-up
versions of t he solace-seeking infant behavior of sucking.
When you hear vocal hesit at ions or pacifiers, you might circle back t o t he t opic t hat was
under discussion when t he pacifiers began:
Your client : Oh, uhsure, next week would be okay t o receive t he shipment
You: Is t here going t o be a problem wit h t hat t iming?
Your client : Well, act ually, yes. Were back-ordered and get t ing a lot of heat from our
account s.
You: If we push, we could deliver t hree days earlier. Would t hat help?
Your client : That would be great . Thanks!


NONVERBAL RULES OF THUMB FOR PHONE CONVERSATIONS

Answer your phone aft er one t o t wo rings (t his says you are efficient ; your
cust omers needs are paramount ).
Avoid speech hesit at ions (um, like, you know) or noises (t ongue clicking,
whist ling). Removing such filler will make your speech deliberat e and decisive.
Engage in verbal mirroring. If your client says, Im angry, dont say, I underst and
youre upset . Use peoples own words t o describe t heir sit uat ion.
Limit background noise.
Moderat e your volume. When callers raise t heir voice, lower yours.
List en for long, deep exhalat ions. These are pacifiers, saying, I am st ruggling
wit h somet hing here.
Deepen your vocal t one t o convey confidence.
Silence is golden. If someone says somet hing object ionable, you can meet it
wit h several long moment s of silence. This powerful nonverbal rivet s at t ent ion
on you, just as rising from your chair in a meet ing would do in person.
Use long pauses t o get t he ot her person t o do t he t alking. Most people dread
silence, so t hey fill t he void, oft en revealing t hings t hey did not int end.


PRINCIPLES FOR POWERFUL PRESENTATIONS
Present at ions, properly conceived and execut ed, are dynamic set t ings for t he t ransfer of ideas
from one individual t o t he minds of many. All of t he element s for successful meet ings underpin
successful present at ions, wit h addit ional considerat ions depending on audience size and
configurat ion. What follows are nonverbal st rat egies for making your messages memorable.
While for some giving a present at ion is cause for nail bit ing, for ot hers it seems t o come
easily. Ive given t housands of present at ions and always I feel t he but t erflies. That s good, I
t hink; it makes me want t o prepare. A present at ion is your opport unit y t o shine, t o share what
you know. All t hat is expect ed is t hat you do so effect ively. No one want s you t o fail; audiences
are inclined t o be very forgiving of unforeseen problems because t hey underst and how t hese
t hings happen, but t hey right ly expect t he best you can give t hem, so here are some nonverbal
ways t o do t hat :

1. Prepare and rehearse. I have rehearsed speeches t en t o fift een t imes t o ensure t hat
Im comfort able wit h what Im saying and t hat Im communicat ing what I know in an
opt imal way.
2. Pick a speaker you like and mirror what t hey do. You cant beat what works, so echo
what someone else is doing t hat works.
3. Get t o t he event early so t hat you can meet a few people. Focus on t hem as t hey sit
in t he audience; t his will help you relax.
4. Set up your audiovisual equipment well in advance. In six years I have had t wo
project or bulbs go out and one complet e comput er crash, so be prepared.
5. If youre nervous, dont hesit at e t o t ell t he audience, especially if t hey are coworkers;
t hen put it behind you. Even experienced speakers are blown away at t imes by a
large audience.
6. Use t he st age; move around. Dont hide behind t he lect ern; no one likes t o see t hat .
7. Use your hands and gest ure frequent ly. Emphasize import ant point s wit h gravit y-
defying gest ures or by lowering your voice; bot h garner at t ent ion.
8. What ever you do, dont read your comment s and dont say t he same t hing t hat
appears in your visuals.
9. Try t o use a blue background for visuals, as t hat is t he best color t o use, according
t o expert s.
10. Point ing t o t he screen wit h your hands is more powerful t han point ing wit h a laser
beam.
11. Try t o speak wit h a deeper voice or, if you are t ense, at a minimum dont allow your
voice t o rise t oo high, as t hat will t urn off your audience.
12. If you are a woman, you have great leeway in what you can wear, so use color in your
clot hing t o at t ract at t ent ion. Move away from t he podium whenever possible and
use your hands t o broaden your t errit orial claim and emphasize your message. Many
women t end t o hide behind t he podium and rest rict t heir hands, which inhibit s
communicat ion.
13. Last ly, leave your audience want ing t o hear more. Speakers who exhaust t heir
subject are never well received.

A FEW WORDS ON GROUP DYNAMICS
Be aware t hat t here are pluses and minuses in t alking t o or dealing wit h large groups. If you
have a friendly audience, it s a great place t o deliver a powerful speech. If t he audience is
unfriendly, it is a poor place t o deliver any message at all. This is why president s oft en go t o
milit ary bases t o deliver policy speeches: The audience has t o be friendly; t he president is t he
commander in chief. Communicat ion requires a t ransmit t er (you) and a receiver (t he audience).
If t hey are host ile, t hey are not list ening anyway; t hink of get t ing t he message out anot her way
(newspaper, news release, Int ernet , and so on) or perhaps in smaller groups.
Large unfriendly groups can t urn int o a dangerous mob t hat , fueled by emot ions and
simplist ic slogans, quickly dispenses wit h careful deliberat ion. The emot ions of a large group
can marginalize or t rample upon t he dissent ing views of a minorit y. This is what happened wit h
East ern Airlines: employees who want ed t o be heard in union meet ings were overwhelmed by
t he emot ions of t he majorit y. Many ret irees and t hose who warned t hat t hey all might lose
t heir jobs were drowned out by t he shout s of t he larger, more ent husiast ic group. Had
everyone had t ime t o deliberat e and perhaps vot e in privat e, t he out come would have been
different . Many of my neighbors in Puert o Rico were East ern Airlines employees, and t hey t old
me t hat t heir opinions were drowned out by t he very vocal majorit y who were emot ionally
aroused. In t he end, loud voices prevailed: The airline shut down, all t he workers lost t heir jobs,
and ret irees lost t heir pension.
POTENTIATING YOUR MESSAGE
Messages can be unforget t ably magnified by speakers choosing wisely where t hose
messages are delivered. Ronald Reagans Mr. Gorbachev, t ear down t his wall! speech
resonat ed so powerfully because it was given in front of t he Brandenburg Gat e, just across
from t hen-communist East Germany. When making his immort al I Have a Dream speech, Dr.
Mart in Lut her King Jr. st ood before t he Lincoln Memorial in t he symbolic shadow, as he not ed,
of a great American who also st ood for t he dream of freedom for all. In bot h cases, t hese
speakers combined t he visual and t he verbal t o magnify t heir message and forever anchor
t heir words in t he heart s and minds of not only t heir audience t hat day, but of millions around
t he world t hereaft er. Had t hose speeches been given in t he ballroom of a hot el in Washingt on,
D.C., t hey would not have resonat ed as well.
When you have an import ant message t o communicat e, ask yourself where t he best
place is t o give t his message, and how you plan t o communicat e it . Which brings me full circle
back t o you. In t he final analysis, t he power of a persons messages is very much ent wined wit h
how t he person is perceived. Make sure you cult ivat e t he right image because if you dont , you
will not be list ened t o or respect ed no mat t er what you say. Think of t hose CEOs from t he Big
Three aut omakers arriving in privat e jet s t o seek financial aid from Congress. No one want ed
t o list en t o t hem; t heir message was wast ed because t heir image was t arnished.
Much of what Ive been t alking about in t his chapt er can be used t o creat e an aura around
you t hat ant icipat es your arrival, augment s your presence, and favorably lingers aft er your
depart ure. It is powerful when your nonverbal message and your verbal message are unified
and synchronous.
Personal image is not just for CEOs and public figures anymore. In t his informat ion-and
visually driven world, managing our image in every cont ext from in person t o onlineis
increasingly a necessit y. If you dont manage it , it will be managed for you (as you may know if
youve ever looked up yourself online).
Paradoxically, t he very t hing t hat makes image management so necessaryt he ubiquit y
and speedy disseminat ion of informat ionis also what makes it possible. The Int ernet affords
almost limit less opport unit ies for you t o share t he evolving st ory and record of your work and
achievement s.
GETTING THE NONVERBALS RIGHT IN JOB INTERVIEWS
Perhaps nowhere are we more concerned about our image t han during a job int erview. Once
nonverbal int elligence becomes second nat ure, however, job int erviews are no longer nerve-
racking. You go in wit h confidence, knowing youre prepared and t hat you present well.
Employers must consider how t heir cust omers will perceive t heir employees. It s not a
mat t er of passing judgment on you as a person, but rat her a mat t er of assessing whet her your
skills and t he way you present are t he right fit wit h a companys business. If t he fit is wrong, it s
best t hat everyone move on. What we want t o avoid is t he inadvert ent loss of pot ent ially good
fit s. Here are some ways t o make sure your nonverbals maximize your chances of making a
posit ive impression:

1. Prepare t o succeed. In addit ion t o researching t he companys financials, Web sit e,
and press coverage, put your observat ional powers t o use: if possible, visit t he
company and t alk t o t he recept ionist or drive by when workers arrive t o see how
t hey dress, or find an unobt rusive place t o observe employees as t hey arrive in t he
morning or leave at night . Is t his a nine-t o-five place, or do people arrive early and
st ay lat e? Do t hey appear cont ent ed or st ressed? Are t hey dressed in suit s, or less
formally? If t he dress is casual, dress a not ch or so above t hat level for your
int erview.
2. Ant icipat e quest ions. Human resources personnel are now t rained t o det ect when
int erviewees are st ruggling wit h an answer. You want your voice nonverbals t o be
fluid and unhesit at ing. Pract ice answers t o quest ions you may be asked (about gaps
in employment , or why your previous job ended). Also prepare some t emporizing
responses: I dont have t he det ails right now, but I can quickly get t hat informat ion
for you.
3. Look t he part . If I hadnt heard so many human resources managers t ell me t o t he
cont rary, I wouldnt t hink it necessary t o say t hat t he following are required at a
minimum: clean clot hes; shined shoes; clean, clipped nails; underst at ed makeup; no
perfume. If you have t at t oos, be aware t hat you may be reject ed out right on t hat
basis alone (almost cert ainly in medicine, food, and banking). If possible, you should
t ry t o conceal t hem, but know t hat you will always have t o conceal t hem. (For a
discussion of how t o manage t he way youre perceived, see chapt er 4, The Power
of Your Behavior and chapt er 5, The Power of How You Look.)
4. Dont forget t o smile along t he way; smiles sell you.
5. Accept nervousness and move on. It s normal t o feel nervous in int erviews. If it helps,
just ment ion it and t hen get past it . That way if you nonverbally display some
anxiet y, your int erviewer will underst and and overlook it .
6. If t here are choices of where t o sit , ask: Where would you like me t o sit ? This
shows respect ; youre on t heir t urf, invit ed t o share t heir space.
7. If youre offered a drink, accept it ; drinking can help t o pacify nervousness.
8. Display t he nonverbals of at t ent iveness. You cant go wrong if you sit up and lean
forward, wit h feet flat on t he floor. Keep your gaze relaxed yet focused on t he
int erviewer (only t he int erviewer, as t he higher-st at us individual, has t he prerogat ive
of let t ing his or her gaze wander).
9. Once rapport is est ablished, you may move t o a slight angle, as t his posit ion is more
conducive t o communicat ion. If you cross your legs, cont inue t o lean forward. Sit t ing
back wit h legs crossed can appear arrogant . You may also subt ly mirror t he
int erviewer. As t he int erviewer relaxes and leans back, t hat s your cue t o do so
slight ly as well.
10. There should be absolut ely no cell phone handling. Turn t he phone off before you go
in.
11. Beware of speech hesit at ions, mumbling, mannerisms, and slang.
12. In t he end, t he goal of all preparat ion is confidence. Theres no subst it ut e for it . Go in
t here wit h t he confidence of knowing t hat youre well prepared. Then relax and do it .


AT THE beginning of t his chapt er, I t old of a t ime when nonverbals were used successfully in a
negot iat ion where a lot was at st ake. Nonverbals can be employed t o excellent effect when
ot hers are t rying t o int imidat e you. They can and will empower you t o st and your ground, make
your case, assess how you are being received, and enhance t hat recept ion. In t he end, t he
best and highest uses of nonverbals are always t o bring fair resolut ion t o problems; t o
communicat e more effect ively; t o elevat e t he game; t o furt her your mission and goals not at
ot hers expense, but t hrough t he engagement of mut ual effort for equit able gain. Be it a
meet ing, a negot iat ion, a present at ion small or large, or a job int erview, consider: What will
elevat e what we do here? When you do so, you are accessing t he hidden power of nonverbal
int elligence.
8

EMOTIONAL NONVERBALS
AT A SPEECH on workplace violence for a huge milit ary cont ract or, I was shocked t o observe
a man in t he audience put his head in his hands and st art t o cry ont o his not epad. Wed just
t aken a break, but I announced t hat we were t aking anot her break because I need it .
The host approached me, asking, What s t he mat t er? I replied, Let s go t alk t o t his guy
right here.
It t urned out t hat t he company was downsizing, and people were t aking it out on t his
manager. For mont hs, t heyd been scrat ching his car door, let t ing t he air out of his t ires, making
t hreat s, and leaving pet poop on his office chair. He hadnt t old anyone. Afraid of being
perceived as being weak and incapable of handling t he pressure, and fearing for his own job, he
had remained quiet and had bot t led it all inside.
To it s credit , t he company immediat ely mobilized HR, represent at ives from t he employee
assist ance program, and securit y, and t hey met wit h him as I cont inued t he lect ure.
Here was a sit uat ion where a good, loyal employee who had been wit h t he company for
decades had been t raumat ized and was suffering. There he was, sit t ing in front of his
colleagues and his boss, obviously overwhelmed, wit h t ears dropping on his papers. How long
had he felt like t his? I wondered. How many t imes had he walked down a corridor or sat in his
office wit h pain on his face? This vivid example speaks t o our unwillingness somet imes t o look
at people, t o observe, and t o be empat het ic. We t end t o ignore t hese displays. But t his person
is t ransmit t ing crit ical informat ion: I am in deep distress.
Fort unat ely, my host knew precisely whom t o cont act and a support t eam was quickly
assembled t o work wit h t his employee. The sit uat ion could have det eriorat ed furt her, leading
t o self-medicat ion or even self-injury. A pot ent ial t ragedy and a t errible pot ent ial liabilit y were
avert ed. It was a memorable example of how t he body displays a persons t rue sent iment s,
even when t he person isnt t alking.
Nonverbal awareness can help us bring more sensit ivit y t o t he world around us, and not
just when people are at t heir breaking point . Nonverbal acuit y enhances openness and t rut h.
Oft en t hings are hidden not because someone want s t o lie, but because t hey are t oo painful
or t oo difficult t o t alk about . The brain is in fact t ransmit t ing t he emot ional t rut h nonverbally
t hrough t he body. It is t here for us, if we are at t uned t o decipher it .
EMOTIONS ARE PART OF LIFE AT WORK
Alt hough we like t o t hink rat ionalit y prevails, emot ions are always operat ive in t he workplace.
Ask anyone whos ever been caught in office conflict s, from st umbling upon personal
idiosyncrasies such as t he bosss annoyance at having t he report placed on her desk rat her
t han given t o her assist ant , t o being blindsided by polit ical maelst roms t hat cost people t heir
jobs.
What do you remember at t he end of a workday? Cert ainly you remember what you
accomplished, but what indelibly fixes t hose event s in your memory is how you felt about t hem:
t he surges of t riumph, t he flashes of anger; t he prickly sensat ion of anxiet y; t he st ing of
embarrassment .
And while we like t o t hink our personal and our professional lives are separat e, t heir
emot ions overlap and int ersect . I was sit t ing in my office in Tampa when I got t he awful news
t hat my grandmot her had passed away in Miami. There I was, a senior FBI agent , head of t he
SWAT t eam at t hat t ime, wit h a badge, a gun, and a desk piled wit h responsibilit ies,
heart broken at losing t his woman who in many ways brought me up during t he long hours
when my parent s were working. When I t hink back on t hat day, I remember t hat I had work I
needed t o finish, but I didnt t ry t o suppress my emot ionsI couldnt , frankly. I dont t hink we
should t ry t o suppress our feelings when somet hing t his profound happens. And it can happen
t o any one of us.
As powerful and pervasive as emot ions are at work, most of us arent t aught how t o
handle t hem. It s import ant t o know how t o acknowledge emot ions wit hout let t ing t hem
overwhelm us or ot hers. This is what Daniel Goleman was t alking about when he wrot e about
having emot ional int elligence. This chapt er provides nonverbal st rat egies t hat will help you
deal wit h t he emot ions of bosses, subordinat es, colleagues, and client sas well as your own.
EMOTIONS ALWAYS OVERRIDE LOGIC
The ground rule t o remember about emot ions is t hat our limbic imperat ive is omnipresent . A
negat ive st imulus, sufficient ly powerful, will overwhelm logic: Wat ch a crowd at an air show
duck in unison when an airplane swoops down, even t hough it s hundreds of feet overhead.
We know it s not going t o hit us, but we duck anyway. Or have you ever not iced t hat it s only
aft er an argument is over t hat you t hink of all t he clever t hings you should have said? That s
because our emot ional brain, our limbic brain, will always hijack neural act ivit y when emot ions
are high or when you feel t hreat ened. The only way around t his is t o prepare yourself t o deal
wit h highly emot ional sit uat ions, in t he same way t hat police officers, fire/rescue personnel, and
airline pilot s prepare.
Our limbic responses t o t hreat s, despit e being effect ive in ensuring our species survival
over t he millennia, are not necessarily appropriat e when were confront ed wit h modern t hreat s
or emot ional upheaval. These cont emporary t empest s can arise suddenly as t he result of rude
vendors, t he t umbling of t he st ock market , problems at home, t errible bosses, or a seemingly
endless list of ot her st imuli.
So while t he freeze, flee, or fight response deserves our respect , it is hardly t he t hing we
want t o see in a professional environment . Looking st unned (t he freeze mechanism) is not
suit able for a leader facing crisis, for example. The flight response (st orming off) is likewise not
recommended, and cert ainly t he fight response (arguing, t hrowing object s, punching) is not t o
be t olerat ed. Yet we all know people who have react ed t hese ways, and we know it s
t horoughly unprofessional and unwort hy of our respect . I dont want t o be led by someone like
t hat , and neit her do you.
THE EYES HAVE IT
Alt hough relaxing is t he last t hing we want t o do during limbic arousal, we must relax
in order t o effect ively assess ot hers who are angry, concerned, reluct ant , recalcit rant ,
defiant , or ot herwise aroused t hemselves. When were t ense, our abilit y t o observe
diminishes, so t o be a good observer we must learn t o let our muscles unwind so t hat
even our face becomes more plast ic. When we do, our eyes can see bet t er. Under
st ress, we get t unnel vision, as our limbic syst em urgent ly priorit izes where t o direct
our at t ent ion and effort , wit h survival being at t he very t op of t he list . Our visionand
even our t hought processesget hijacked limbically: we process a very narrow view
very clearly t o assess for danger or find an escape rout e. This is why people whove
been in a shoot out or in a horrible accident oft en vividly recall small, specific visual
det ails and describe how t ime seemed t o slow down. Tunnel vision can be lifesaving
in a crisis, but in business it can be ruinous. In fact , in any set t ing, we perform best in a
st at e of relaxed alert ness.

ADDRESS HONEST EMOTIONS COMPASSIONATELY
If youre dealing wit h people who are experiencing deep emot ional pain, deal wit h t hat realit y
first , because t heir emot ions have compromised cogent t hought . Provide privacy, offer support ,
and allow t hem t o express t hemselves wit hin t hat privacy. St ay wit h t hem unless t hey ask you
t o leave; somet imes t hey are t oo ashamed t o ask you t o st ay. Take t he t ime t o deal wit h t he
emot ion; you may not know how deeply or profoundly affect ed t hey are at t hat moment . When
I was working in Puert o Rico, a support employee came t o me and t old me of having endured
years of abuse. Finally, she had broken. You cant fix somet hing like t hat wit h a pat on t he
back, nor can you expect t hat individual t o go back t o work and be able t o funct ion. Her body,
your body, will t ransmit all t he pain t hat is t here, but we have t o be list ening wit h our eyes so
t hat we can act appropriat ely.
Get someone from human resources or employee assist ance t o help if need be; for
example, if someone has received upset t ing news from home. I remember when a fellow agent
got t he news t hat her child had been in an accident , she had a t ough t ime just handling
decisions about leaving t he office, so someone simply st epped in t o drive her home. That s t he
sort of t hing t hat needs t o be quiet ly done. Dont assume t hat someone in t he grip of shock or
t rauma can handle normal decision making. The comfort ext ended t o employees in t hese
inst ances will never be forgot t en.
FIRST, RECOGNIZE EMOTIONS
As ment ioned, all emot ionsbot h posit ive and negat iveare governed by t he limbic brain.
Those emot ions t hen cont rol our physical appearance and react ions t o t he world around us. If
someone is feeling negat ive emot ions, t hese sent iment s are usually readily visible on t he face.
What ever t heir cause, recognize first and foremost t hat t hese emot ions are real and t hat t he
person is feeling t hem. Dont pret end it isnt happening and dont invalidat e someone elses
emot ional response t o an event or circumst ance. Spouses oft en begin a perilous downward
slide when t hey fail t o recognize t he emot ional impact of an event or occurrence on t heir
part ner. If it is felt , it is real. Remember a t ime when someone discount ed your emot ions
(ignored you, t ried t o t alk you out of it , t old you t o grow up, laughed at your fears, or walked
away), and youll underst and t he import ance of recognit ion in calming emot ion.
Recognit ion validat es t he emot ion and begins t he process of reconciliat ion wit h self and
wit h ot hers. When a family gat hers in a hospit al wait ing room aft er a child is in an accident ,
t heir nonverbals look t he same: t here is synchrony of emot ions. In echoing t he grieving parent s
nonverbals, t hey are validat ing t he grief and providing support in healing. But in order t o help
ot hers heal, we first have t o recognize, at an emot ional level, what is happening.
LET NONVERBALS SPEAK FOR YOU
A quiet voice in t he middle of st ressful sit uat ion can begin t he healing process, as may a hug or
a gent le t ouch. I never hesit at e, as t hose who know me will at t est , t o give a hug t o a man or a
woman who in bereavement needs a hug. I know men who say t hey cant bring t hemselves t o
hug anot her man. To t hem I would say: you are missing t he opport unit y t o genuinely help,
because if t here is one t hing t ouch can do, it can heal. There is so much lit erat ure on t his
subject as t o be axiomat ic. We humans wit her wit hout t ouch. Touch is cent ral t o healing, t o
developing relat ionships, t o est ablishing empat het ic channels of communicat ion, t o being
emot ionally int elligent . Humans are not machines, we cant just hit a reboot but t on t o regain
our funct ions. We need caring; we need t he power of t ouch. If you want t o go from good t o
except ional, learn t o use t his powerful nonverbal. Remember, t oo, t hat whet her we hold
someone or simply t ouch a hand, we are also doing it for ourselves, for our own humanit y.
I was on a flight wit h an elderly woman who was visibly dist raught about flying. Not one t o
int erfere wit h ot hers, I wait ed unt il t he plane st art ed t o rumble and shake down t he runway as
t he engines powered up. It was at t hat moment t hat I had t he nerve t o reach over and just
t ake her hand. She squeezed my hand as if wed known each ot her for years. She didnt say a
word; she just st ared out t he window, holding my hand. I suspect she had not flown much and
she want ed t o make sure we were safe off t he ground. When we were at alt it ude and t hings
had calmed down, she let go of my hand and said, Thank you. I have only flown once before. I
replied in kind, Well, t hank you, maam. What she did not underst and from my reply, nor did I
volunt eer, was t hat I had reached out for me, as well as for her. You see, I had just lost my
grandmot her, and t his was t he first t ime I was t raveling alone wit hout my family. I needed t hat
human t ouch, t oo. Touch is import ant , it is a nonverbal, it communicat es so much emot ionally,
and it can heal.
CREATE SOME DISTANCE
While posit ive emot ions and grief oft en require us t o lend a shoulder or at least a hug, negat ive
emot ions require dist ance. This is why angry spouses will oft en yell at each ot her, Get away
from me! Usually it s only for t he moment , but t his is a limbic requirement t hat should be
honored. When we experience negat ive feelings, t he brain needs dist ance t o begin t he
process of self-regulat ing back t o normal; if our space is encroached upon, t he negat ive
feelings will cont inue.
Creat e some dist ance and, as previously st at ed, t urn slight ly t o t he side. Experiment s
show t hat blood pressure goes down when people move from facing each ot her t o being at
even a slight angle. So, if an employee comes int o your office showing nonverbals of st rong
arousal, such as arms akimbo, raised voice, and jut t ing chin, t ake a small st ep back and t urn
slight ly t o one side, and youll see t hat t he ot her person will usually begin t o calm down.
Mirroring also has it s place. If people are t roubled by somet hing you have done and t hey
walk in wit h t heir emot ions writ t en on a snarling face, flaring nost rils, and a puffed-out chest ,
your nonverbals of indifference or nonchalance may creat e even more animosit y. At a
minimum, you should sit up and recept ively list en t o what t hey have t o say, respect fully
acknowledging t hat you underst and t heir point s. You dont have t o agree wit h t hem, but you
have t o display t hat you are get t ing t hem and t hat youre not shut t ing t hem out just
because t hey are emot ionally charged. Here, mirroring of arousalI am alert , at t ending t o you;
t his is serious t o me alsogoes a long way. The last t hing someone want s t o see is you
glancing t oward your pinging e-mail, leaning back passively, or preparing t o leave for your next
meet ing.
NEVER SAY THIS
Dont t ry t o reason wit h emot ion by t elling people t o calm down. Meet t hem where t hey are
emot ionally: Let s t alk about it , t ell me what you are t hinking. This is a verbal space-grant ing
t act ic t hat offers people a respect ful arena for t heir emot ions. When you say calm down, you
are damming up t heir cascade of emot ions. There are bet t er ways t o deal wit h emot ional
flooding nonverbally, as follows.
Throt t le back your vocal nonverbals: Talk slower and lower. Doing so reduces your own
level of arousal, and t his calming effect is t ransferred t o t he ot her person. Why? Our bodies
seek homeost asis or st abilit y, and when we cant find it in ourselves, we look for it in ot hers,
just as children seek t he soot hing murmurs of t heir parent s aft er a fall.
Take a deep breat h, exhaling longer t han you inhaled, and subconsciously t he ot her
person will begin t o mirror you. I was t aught t his t echnique by a doct or at Roosevelt Roads
Naval Hospit al in Puert o Rico when I was undergoing medic t raining. It really does work
(including in emergency rooms, or anyplace where a lot of people are hypervent ilat ing). Rat her
t han use words such as set t le down or calm down, put t his calming nonverbal t o work for
you.
If someone is t ruly in an emot ional uproar, t ry t he following repeat edly: get t hem t o
breat he in t ime wit h you. Let t hem see you t ake a deep breat h and t hen exhale, and wat ch as
t hey t ry t o mirror you. In t ime, t hey will begin t o set t le down by following your lead. Before you
say it cant be done, know t hat it can; it s used by clinicians and ot hers, especially during
hypnosis. We have such a profound need t o seek homeost asis t hat we will seek out and mirror
t hose who seem t o be in cont rol.
One caut ion, t hough: drug-induced emot ional out burst s are a different mat t er, and only
medical int ervent ion or t ime can help in t hose sit uat ions. People on drugs (for example, cocaine
or met hamphet amine) have a t ough t ime set t ling down, and t here is not much you can do
wit hout professional assist ance.
LET THEM VENT
When I conduct ed int erviews for t he FBI, I learned t he count erint uit ive t act ic of let t ing angry
subject s vent . Doing t his oft en dramat ically reduced t he volat ilit y of t he sit uat ion. This st rat egy
is more effect ive t han dist ract ion, especially if t here are issues t o resolve before t he person
can calm down. I was at t imes crit icized for doing t his by ot her agent s who felt I was losing
cont rol over t he subject . I did not let t his det er me.
In fact , not only did I let t hem vent , I encouraged it . I would get t hem t o repeat just how
t hey felt . Then once again, I would let t hem vent what ever rage t hey harbored, providing a
wider vect or for emot ional release I know t hey did not ant icipat e. Heres why. You may be
familiar wit h t he second law of t hermodynamics: all t hings t end t o ent ropyt hat is, all t hings
t end t o run out of energy and fall apart . I was simply applying t he law of ent ropy t o emot ion,
let t ing it burn out of it s own accord. Aft er a while t hey would exhaust t hemselves, having not
one word left t o speak. Then I would begin.
At t his point anot her law would kick in, t hat of reciprocit y. Having been afforded ample
room t o divest t hemselves of how t hey felt , now t hey were more pliant t o simple request s from
me. When we receive somet hing from someone or are grant ed an opport unit y, we feel obliged
t o repay t he favor. This is primat e behavior four t o six million years oldif I groom you, you will
groom me; if I lend you food, you will lend me foodand if you list en t o me, I will list en t o you.
Since I had allowed my int erviewee a full hearing, now he owed me somet hing, which gave me
leverage in t he int erview.
These t act ics can help rest ore order and calm wit h people over whom you had no
leverage when t hose individuals were limbically aroused. Once youve allowed t hem t o vent
and st at e t heir point of view, if t hey become resist ant when it s your t urn t o t alk, you can say,
Wait a minut e. I list ened t o you. I t hink you should give me a fair hearing now.
POWER VENTING
The ot her day a friend called t o say hed learned t hat one of his employees had made
an import ant client ext remely angry. We cant afford t o mess t his up, he t old me.
Should I send my guy out t here t o apologize? I suggest ed he call t he client and let
him vent . As head of t he company, he has a higher st at us t han his employee, so
when t he client complains, it carries great er weight . Then, as a follow-up, t he
employee should send a let t er of apology.

ADDRESS EMOTIONS, BUT DONT INDULGE THEM
Ive been t hrough it ; youve been t hrough it ; ot hers you know will likely go t hrough it : a work
issue t hat causes st rong emot ions or st ress spills over int o an emot ional display in t he
workplace. Let s hope t hese occur only rarely, but what if such displays become rout ine for one
of your employees? What if t he rarely becomes t he weeklyor worse?
If youre a manager, you must not allow t hese displays t o become habit ual in an employee,
and you must address t he problem immediat ely. Deal wit h such erupt ions in t he moment using
some of t he t echniques described above. But just as you shouldnt reinforce unprofessional
habit s such as arriving lat e, t urning in shoddy work, or violat ing t he dress code, so you
shouldnt t olerat e repeat ed emot ional excessesout burst s of t ears, anger, or drama.
Some people use emot ions t o avoid responsibilit y, crit icism, or t he consequences of t heir
act ions. I have lost count of t he number of criminals I int erviewed who would break down
int ent ionally for sympat hy. But even if unint ent ional, habit ual displays of emot ion in t he
workplace should not be grant ed an audience; doing so reinforces t he behavior.
Emot ional displays can be used t o cont rol and manipulat e people, and t hat has no place in
a work environment . Individuals who suffer from borderline personalit y disorder and/or hist rionic
personalit y disorder will use emot ions and emot ional out burst s wit h frequency t o get t heir way
and t o manipulat e ot hers. You must be mindful of t hose who frequent ly use emot ions in t he
workplace t o cont rol t heir environment and ot hers.
Misery really does love company: excessive emot ers dist ract ot hers, focusing at t ent ion on
t hemselves, as coworkers feel t hey must demonst rat e empat hy and solidarit y. Work is
disrupt ed, and ot hers may even act on t he beleaguered employees behalf t o t ry t o fix t hings.
Not surprisingly, t his furt her ent renches t he behavior.
I t ell managers t hat if t hey have an employee who habit ually cries at any minor incident ,
provide t hem wit h solit ude and dignit y, but put a t ime limit on it , and, most import ant , refuse t o
be an audience. Offer a box of t issues and say, I can see youre upset . Im going t o leave so
you can get yourself under cont rol, and Ill be back in five minut es. Do not provide an audience,
especially if t his is a repeat ed behavior.
As t hey say in t he milit ary when soldiers overdramat ize t heir pain or emot ions, Save your
drama for your mama it doesnt belong in t he workplace. If t hese displays dont soon abat e,
t hen seek professional help for t his individual. A leaders job is t o lead, not t o provide t herapy;
you are not a t herapist . These kinds of issues should be referred t o human resources t o
handle.
THE ANGRY CUSTOMER
Much is made of cust omer service, but t his cat chphrase is underst ood in only a limit ed way if
it s defined as simply list ening t o cust omers. In t rut h, cust omer service is about assessing and
addressing emot ions: is your cust omer angry or cont ent ed wit h you? Truly, t heres not much in
bet ween. Remember, t oo, t hat emot ions always t rump logic, so dont be surprised if t he
cust omers react ion doesnt make sense. Nonverbalsshowing at t ent iveness and
deference, and engaging in act ive list eningare t ruly invaluable in cust omer service.
The guidelines I shared above for dealing wit h workplace emot ions hold t rue for angry
cust omers, wit h some addit ional considerat ions.
DECIDE WHO SHOULD HEAR THE MESSAGE
Det ermining who should hear t he cust omers angry message is a crit ical nonverbal for defusing
anger. Let s ret urn t o t he example of my friend who let his import ant cust omer vent t o him
personally. Once t he vent ing was over, my friend t old t he cust omer, If t here are any more
issues, please let me know. Now, t heres one more t hing. Im going t o pass t his on t o my
employee, and I want him t o t ell you how he feels about it now. The employee t hen called t he
cust omer t o apologize, t hereaft er sending a not e. All was resolved.
My friend t old me lat er, This is so different from what Ive been t aught . I was t aught t o
have t he employee involved hear t he cust omer out and t hen apologize. That would have
been fine. But how much bet t er do we feel when we can air a grievance wit h t he st ore
manager rat her t han wit h t he clerk? We feel our words carry weight , because were speaking
t o someone wit h t he st at us t o effect change. Cust omers know t he message can be lost if it s
not given t o t he right person. Let t ing angry cust omers speak wit h t he manager at t he next
level up is an excellent way t o rest ore posit ive relat ions. Youre ext ending t he respect of let t ing
t hem t ake t heir case t o a higher aut horit y.
DETERMINE THE LEVEL OF YOUR RESPONSE
Once youve decided who will receive t he cust omers message, you should det ermine t he level
of your response message. Will it be a single message (say, one phone call); a mult iple
message (perhaps a phone call followed by a visit ); or a complex response (phone call, visit , and
not e)? The level of response you choose should be proport ionat e t o t he level of t he offense
and t he level of t he cust omer. Your nonverbals should always be shaped by sit uat ional
awareness and assessment .
TOOLS FOR PREVENTING EMOTIONAL SHORT-CIRCUITING
Weve been t alking about nonverbal responses t o ot hers emot ions, but what about our own?
Ive always been fascinat ed by warriors who, in t he face of mort al danger, act in ways t hat are
t ruly heroic, somehow overriding t heir limbic imperat ive and performing deeds t hat leave t he
rest of us humbled. How do t hey count er t housands of years of select ive behaviors developed
t o ensure survival? This is where t he cognit ive t hinking part of t he brain can be deployed. You
can learn t o override your limbic imperat ive. The following t echniques will help.
BE COUNTERINTUITIVE
One way t hat soldiersor for t hat mat t er, FBI agent sare t aught t o deal wit h an ambush is
t o not hunker down or ret reat (freeze or flee) but rat her t o charge head-on. To run or seek
cover will assure t heir deat h, whereas t o charge t he enemy, even when t he enemy has t he
advant age, will confuse t he enemy (who doesnt expect it ), dest abilize t he enemys aim (it is
hard t o hold aim when someone is charging at you), and pot ent ially cause a limbic react ion in
t he enemy (freezing in surprise or fleeing in fear). While it sounds count erint uit ive, it works.
At first , t rainees balk at t his t act ic, but by pract icing immediat e react ion drills, t hey
overcome t heir normal limbic responses and learn t o meet negat ive st imuli wit h posit ive act ion.
What does t hat mean for t odays busy professional? Read on.
ACCEPT THAT LIMBIC CHALLENGES WILL HAPPEN
First , recognize t hat on any given day, event s will occur t hat challenge you and arouse limbic
responses such as anger, anxiet y, sadness, disdain, disgust , or cont empt . Dont be surprised
when you feel at a loss for words, put on t he spot , speechless wit h rage, or frozen in your seat .
Know, t oo, t hat while some of our limbic react ion is ment al, much of it is physical and can be
managed. Youre already ahead of t he game compared t o ot hers in t hat you underst and t he
primacy of t he limbic imperat ive and how t o do some percept ion management .
ENGAGE IN DISASTER PLANNING FOR EMOTIONS
Suppose you work for a bully who leaves you angry, sad, and drained day aft er day. Rat her
t han t rying t o avoid t he bullying or hoping it doesnt happen, be count erint uit ive: expect and
plan for it . This is your version of t he immediat e react ion drill. Develop a series of responses t o
deal wit h a bullying boss, or wit h people and sit uat ions t hat t hreat en t o best you emot ionally.
This will be your t emplat e. Pract ice it at home if you need t o. Pract ice wit h a friend or in front of
a mirror, but pract ice your react ions.
You may choose t o look st oic, t o simply ignore, or t o acknowledge and walk away.
What ever you t hink will work for you, you should t ry. Dealing wit h emot ional nonverbals is
about keeping yourself calm while opening t he pat h for ot hers t o do t he same. Escalat ing
t ension or emot ions is never product ive; it can lead t o severed relat ionships or even violence.
Not hing shows great er st rengt h t han t he individual who, in t he face of adversit y, wounding
comment s, and infuriat ing insult s, can st ay st oic and calm.
Use what you have learned about nonverbals and t he limbic brain and prepare yourself for
t hose sit uat ions t hat will come your way. We can t rain ourselves t o look st rong and resolut e;
believe me, I had t o do it , as does every agent when confront ed wit h danger. The uniform and
t he badge dont do it ; it is by willful t hought and t raining t hat one learns t o overcome adversit y
and t o st and st rong and firm.
When it comes t o emot ions, it s not about how smart you are or how many degrees you
have earned. It s about dealing wit h t he emot ive, nonlogical side of t he brain, and all we can
hope for t here is t o moderat e or assuage. If we act in rage or furt her enrage ot hers, our
misst eps will come back t o haunt us, and if we dont help t o heal t hose who are hurt ing, we
have not fulfilled our social obligat ions and are doing a disservice t o ourselves and ot hers. Use
t he power of nonverbals for empowered communicat ion, especially where emot ions are
concerned.
HUMOR AND FUN ARE NONVERBALS
Find t ime for humor and fun in your work as a means of count ering t he negat ive st ressors in
your life. I see many people who have lot s of t hingscars, boat s, elect ronic gadget s, and so on
but who have lit t le humor and even less fun. Humor and fun are not so much about jokes or
pranks, but rat her about what is t ransact ed, what is shared, and how people react when t hings
go wrong. I ment ion t his because I find fewer and fewer people having fun and enjoying humor
in t heir work and in t heir life.
In t he FBI we infused humor int o cases because t hat was t he only way t o work t hem.
Humor was our t ool for dealing wit h st ress. Finding somet hing fun t o do each day, even if it was
just a conversat ion over breakfast , or just somet hing silly we would do, helped defuse t ension
and provide a break in t he day.
I had one case t hat I worked for t en years. For some it would have been drudgery, but I
t ried t o find humor in everyt hing t hat I did in t hat case, from t he st upid t hings t hat t he subject s
of t he case would do and say, t o t he st upid t hings FBI supervisors would say and do. Working
wit h me during t hat t ime was one of t he finest int elligence analyst s anywhere, Marc Reeser. In
fact , I owe much of my count erint elligence success t o his analyt ical support . Marc, who st ill
works for t he FBI, is a sharp, hard-working guy who never misses a det ail, and hes a t errific
fat her and friend. But when we worked t oget her, we made it imperat ive t hat we were going t o
have fun and find t he humor in everyt hing t hat we did. We made work fun and funny; it was t he
only way. To t his day, when we call each ot her, we st ill laugh.
For mont hs, Marc and I worked t hat case every day, t welve t o sixt een hours a day. We
were under t he spot light not just from our headquart ers, but also from t he Pent agon and t he
Nat ional Securit y Agency, t o produce result s. Wit hout humor we could never have made it ; in
fact , we saw ot her people fail because humor and fun never ent ered int o t heir regime. They
worked t heir cases looking miserable. Everyt hing was a burden for t hem. They had forgot t en
t hat it was up t o t hem t o find joy in t heir work, t o have fun, t o employ humor. Lacking t hat skill,
t hey t ended t o fail or not t o last . Work became a burden rat her t han a joy.
A friend t old me how humor helped her and her colleagues t hrough a business t akeover.
Wed been acquired, st aff had been cut , and t hose of us who were left were moving t o t he
new owners offices. It was moving dayDumpst ers were everywhere, st uff was being pit ched
or packed. At some point midday, t he t ech people came and unplugged and t ook away our
comput ers, so t here was really not hing more we could do. I remember we all ordered out for
pizza and congregat ed in someones all-but -empt y office, where we hung out , at e, and
laughed ourselves int o hyst erics remembering all t he craziness of t he past couple of years
t elling st ories of dumb managers, eccent ric client s, oddball colleagues, hilarious moment s in
meet ings where no one was allowed t o laugh; doing imit at ions of people and just doubling over
wit h laught er. Of course I remember t he sadness and st ress of t hat day, packing up a business
and having no idea what t he fut ure would bring, but I also dont t hink I ever laughed so hard at
work as I did t hat day.
Humor and fun are powerful t ools t hat help us survive emot ionally. I t ell people all t he t ime,
find humor in what you do, because ot herwise, you will be miserable. Find it in t he company of
ot hers or in t he silly t hings t hat happen every day, but find it . Ot herwise, in t he end, you may
have much success, but lit t le joy.

RESEARCHER DR. Paul Ekman and his associat es have found t hat when people make a
negat ive facial expression such as t hat of sadness, t heir brains int ernalize t hat expression and
t heir mood changes accordingly. Our emot ions are t hus const ant ly in flux, bound t o our very
smiles and frowns, linked in t urn t o t he emot ional t ides of t he people and sit uat ions in our lives.
We should never deny our emot ions, wired int o our beings as t hese responses nat urally are.
Yet being ruled by emot ionsour own or t hose of ot hersput s t he limbic syst em t oo
firmly in t he drivers seat . What we should seek is a unit y of forces bet ween t hese t wo poles of
our humanit y: t he abilit y t o feel and t he abilit y t o reason. Nonverbals can help us navigat e t he
middle ground, expressing and assessing emot ions while also de-escalat ing limbic responses
t hat might ot herwise overwhelm us. Having a repert oire of est ablished responses t o address
limbically arousing cont ingencies prepares us t o address adversit y in posit ive ways. I can at t est
t hat as a former FBI SWAT commander and as a businessman, t hese nonverbal t ools have
allowed me, and many ot her successful individuals, t o courageously face powerful emot ions
and even horrific event s.
This is how firefight ers are able t o do what t hey do every day and how Capt ain
Sullenberger was able t o land his crippled plane safely in t he Hudson River in January 2009:
t hey t rain and rehearse t o deal wit h highly emot ional event s by cont rolling t hemselves
rat ionally and nonverbally so t hat ot hers (cit izens, passengers) will find safet y in t hem. When
we act despit e fear, we can achieve result s of heroic proport ions.
9

WHAT ABOUT DECEPTION?
THE INTERVIEW st art s calmly enough. The subject , a woman, answers t he agent s opening
quest ions in a fort hright manner. As t he int erview progresses, however, she begins t o exhibit a
cert ain rest lessness t hat should not be t here, since t he main t opicher involvement in
government fraudhas not even come up yet . St ill, t hroughout t hese first fort y minut es of
building rapport she is increasingly t ense, unset t led, and somewhat dist ant all alert ing
behaviors suggest ing t hat she has guilt y knowledge. These behaviors, t o an agent , are like
blood t o a shark. Finally, t he agent confront s her: You look like you have somet hing major t o
get off your chest , so just do it ; get it over wit h, and Ill be t he first t o say you were cooperat ive
wit h me. Oh, t hank God, t he woman said wit h a sigh of relief, Im so nervous, I didnt know
how t o say t his, but I only had four quart ers for t he parking met er and t ime is running out .
Please, I dont want t o get a t icket !
And wit h t hat , I welcome you t o my world! You see, I was t hat clever, all-observing FBI
agent . I was reading her nonverbals correct ly, I had been t old she might be involved in
government fraud, and so I grouped t hat informat ion t oget her and nat urally assumed she was
hiding guilt . She was not , and when we ret urned t o t he int erview aft er put t ing addit ional
quart ers (my quart ers) in t he met er, she was fine. It t urned out t hat someone had st olen her ID
and was using it t o cash checks fraudulent ly.
It was a humbling lesson t o me and should be t o all: behaviors associat ed wit h decept ion
are also behaviors associat ed wit h t ension, and t ension can be caused by anyt hing, including
dislike for t he int erviewer, t he set t ing, t he nat ure of t he inquiry, t he int rusiveness of t he inquiry,
t he int errupt ion of a daily rout ine, and much more.
The number-one quest ion I am always askedand it seems inext ricably int ert wined wit h
nonverbal communicat ions or body languageis: how can we det ect decept ion?
VETTING WITH NONVERBAL INTELLIGENCE
None of what Ive said so far, of course, should preclude you from properly vet t ing an individual
wit h whom you are ent ering int o business. The beaut y of t his met hodology of looking for signs
of comfort and discomfort is t hat it encourages t he asking of many quest ions. If you are
t rust ing someone t o invest your money, for example, t here are dozens of quest ions you want
t o ask. If hes honest , hell be more t han happy t o answer t hem, in det ail. It s when someone
shows discomfort in hearing or in answering your quest ions t hat you need t o be concerned.
Your nonverbal radar should fire off a warning every t ime someone gives a less-t han-emphat ic
answer. If, for example, I ask for references and t he person says, sot t o voce, Ill get t hose t o
you, t hat would alarm me and serve as a hot spot t o circle back t o lat er.
Liars know what t o say, but t hey usually arent aware of t he emot ion t hat goes wit h t he
lie. They forget about emphasis, gravit y-defying behaviors, and all t he ot her nonverbals weve
discussed t hat show ent husiasm and confidence. If you are dealing wit h someone who is t rying
t o win your money and you see t he nonverbals of excit ement only when you are discussing
your signing on t he dot t ed line, I would be very concerned. I would want t his person t o be
excit ed about answering all my quest ions, wit hout hesit at ion, reservat ion, or obfuscat ion.
Liars are usually t roubled by t hree t hings: (1) hearing a quest ion t hey dont like; (2)
processing t hat quest ion and coming up wit h a suit able answer; and (3) answering t he
quest ion (t he act of act ually vocalizing). If you see discomfort in any of t hese areas on t he part
of someone who want s somet hing from you, I would suggest backing away and saying, Give
me a day t o t hink about it . If t hey say t hat you have t o decide now, t hen you definit ely want t o
get out of t here, because t hat is t he t act ic of a predat or.
Discomfort displays are t he universal means by which we sense and communicat e
negat ive emot ions. We have done so for t housands of years; it is hardwired in us and can be
very reliable. Discomfort displays let us know somet hing is wrong, in real t ime. If your quest ions
are elicit ing t hose kinds of displays in response, be glad t hat your nonverbal int elligence is fully
operat ional and proving it s value in your life. No mat t er what , when in doubt , when t he inner
voice says t o you t hat somet hing is wrong here, or it s t oo good t o be t rue, walk away.
WHOS LYING? ASSESSING FOR DECEPTION
You would t hink t hat , as a former FBI agent and a st udent of nonverbal communicat ions for
nearly four decades, I would be championing t he use of nonverbal communicat ions t o det ect
decept ion. I would, if det ect ing decept ion were easy. I would, if such assessment s could be at
least 95 percent accurat e. But it s not easy and it is not nearly t hat accurat e. As t he example
above makes abundant ly clear, even t hose t rained t o det ect decept ion can be wrong in t heir
assessment s. St udies t ell us t hat on average we are no bet t er t han a coin t oss at det ect ing
decept ion. The most highly successful FBI agent s I worked wit h improved t hose odds t o only
sixt y-fort y. It s safe t o say t hat for t he average person, even t hose in t he law enforcement
profession, lie det ect ion is basically a fift y-fift y proposit ion. Which brings me t o t his: How would
you like t o be examined, considered, or judged by someone who is right only half t he t ime, and
if she is really goodis complet ely wrong 40 percent of t he t ime? Of course, you wouldnt
like t hat , and t hat is t he problem of focusing on decept ion.
When I t aught int erviewing at t he FBI academy, I inst ruct ed agent s t o focus on all
behaviors, but t o focus primarily on t he comfort /discomfort paradigm, because t heres so much
informat ion t o mine t here.
The problem wit h focusing merely on decept ion is t hat it is difficult t o know during a
conversat ion or an int erview exact ly what a person may be hiding, alt ering, embroidering, or
complet ely fabricat ing, unless you have incont rovert ible proof of what is t he t rut h. As I point ed
out in What Every Body Is Saying, t he research is very clear: we humans lie in many ways every
day. We t ell complet e falsehoods such as Tell t hem were not home, or I gave at t he office,
wit hout so much as a second t hought . We lie so much, about so many t hings, t hat as one
writ er posit ed, lying is a t ool for social survival. For criminals who habit ually lie, it act ually
becomes a way of life.
All of us lie at one t ime or ot her, and not necessarily for reprehensible reasons. Somet imes
we lie for good reasons. Theres t he example of t he husband who sneaks out of t he house one
night and comes home very lat e. His wife, hurt by his inat t ent ion of recent mont hs, launches
int o an inquisit ion about where hes been. He st ammers, claiming car t rouble. That s t he oldest
excuse in t he book! she snaps. Three weeks lat er, on her birt hday, he gives her t he gift he
sneaked out of t he house t o buy. And yes, he really did have car t rouble on t he way home.
Shes surprised, delight edand ashamed about her out burst . But an accusat ion of lying is one
of t he most serious insult s a part ner can make; it s shadow, once cast , is difficult t o erase.
Somet imes we lie t o hide t rut hs t hat pain or embarrass us. This issue frequent ly occurs
bet ween physician and pat ient when, for example, a pat ient s healt h is compromised because
of an unwillingness t o disclose a sexual indiscret ion or a smoking habit . Shame is a powerful
inst rument of social cohesion t hat can exert such coercive force t hat we will do injury t o
ourselves t o avoid disclosing t hings we fear will cause ot hers t o reject us. I know of one senior
navy official who commit t ed suicide because he was discovered wearing, and was ashamed t o
have worn, a combat ribbon he did not earn.
Somet imes we lie t o cover a wrong, but our past wrongdoing is not mat erial t o our current
sit uat ion and t herefore really shouldnt be held against us. Some crimes become irrelevant
aft er t he st at ut e of limit at ions has run out . Thank God for t hat ; ot herwise, just t hink of how
many high school or college misdeeds and pranks you could be prosecut ed for. These t hings
may be immat erial t o your circumst ances now, but you may st ill feel vulnerable because you
have a conscience. In 1965 I t ook somet hing from a st ore: a green t wo-inch-t all plast ic t oy
soldier. I st ill feel bad about t hat t oday.
Because we will be lied t oand youll never know it unless you have prior knowledge or
you gain t hat knowledge lat erit behooves us t o use our nonverbal int elligence more
product ively. Unless you work in an area of forensics where absolut e t rut h is necessary, in
many cases it makes lit t le sense t o expend so much energy seeking t he t rut h when t he
chances of finding it are so slim.
I counsel businesspeople t o focus on using t he comfort /discomfort paradigm t o uncover
useful informat ion rat her t han at t empt t o wield it as a forensic t ool. Aft er all, informat ion is t he
most import ant conduit t o success in business. Percept ive observat ion and list ening in order t o
clarify and amplify your underst anding of a sit uat ion t hat s causing discomfort can oft en serve
you far bet t er in business t han t rying t o ascert ain if someone is deceiving you.
PUTTING THE COMFORT/DISCOMFORT PARADIGM TO WORK
Suppose you work for me, and one Friday aft ernoon I come int o your office and say, The
market ing present at ion just got moved up t o Monday aft ernoon. I know it s short not ice, but I
really need you t o come in t his weekend t o finalize t he mat erials. Oh, you say. Okay. I can
do t hat . Great ! Thanks, I say. I smile, you smile back, and I leave, confident t hat t he project is
in good hands.
If I at t end only t o t he verbal informat ion Ive received, I walk away t hinking all is well. If I
at t end wit h nonverbal int elligence, a richer vein of informat ion is uncovered. I see you blink
rapidly at my words and moment arily t urn your head away, bit ing your lip and furrowing your
brow, which remains furrowed as you reply. I not e your speech hesit at ion and lack of inflect ion. I
see t hat your smile is a polit e social smile wit h lips closed, not a t rue smile t hat shows your
t eet h and reaches your eyes.
All of t hese nonverbals would t ell me t hat you are not comfort able wit h what I just said.
Let s revisit t his conversat ion using applied nonverbal int elligence, and not e how it changes t he
conversat ion in bot h cont ent and qualit y:
Me: The market ing present at ion just got moved up t o Monday aft ernoon. I know it s
short not ice, but I really need you t o come in t his weekend t o finalize t he
mat erials.
You [blinking, averted gaze, furrowed brow]: Oh. Okay. I can do t hat .
Me: That s great . I really appreciat e it , but it s import ant t hat you have t ime t o relax,
t oo, so let s agree on when you can come in.
You [brows arched in surprise]: Why dont I come in bet ween t en and t hree on
Sat urday? If Im not finished, I could come in early on Monday t o finish up.
Me [smiling]: Sounds good. Thanks again.
You [smiling back]: No problem. Well get it done.
Heres a conversat ion t hat permit s every aspect of t he employees communicat ion t o
surface and be addressed, and it let s t hem know t hat you are at t ent ive and sensit ive t o t hem.
This is full communicat ion: t he expression of t hought s and feelings in words as well as t hrough
nonverbal language. This is effect ive and purposeful communicat ion: an essent ial for business.
Thus t he key quest ion for nonverbally int elligent businesspeople is not Is t his person
lying? but Is t his person 100 percent comfort able? If not , what is causing t he discomfort ? As
you can see, it s much more product ive t o consider t his quest ion t han t o assume t hat any
discomfort is a sign of decept ion.
WATCH AND LISTEN
Remember t hat when working wit h nonverbals, youre wat ching for sudden changes in
baseline behaviors. Wit h calm observat ion and at t unement , youll see and hear t hem as a
revealing subt ext in real-t ime int eract ions wit h coworkers and client s. Heres a checklist of key
nonverbals of discomfort :

Eye blocks, including lower eyelid t ension, rapid blinking, or t ouching t he eyes or
brow. These may be very fleet ing, occurring in t he moment t he discomfit ing
informat ion is received; t hat s what makes t hem such reliable limbic indicat ors.
Tucked chin (lack of confidence), furrowed brow (worry, st ress, issues)
Lip bit ing (anxiet y), lip compression (negat ive emot ions) or pursing (disagreement ); lip
licking or t ongue movement s (self-pacifying); blowing out air (t ension release)
Clot hing adjust ment s: Vent ilat ing behaviors (adjust ing collar or t ie), covering or
t ouching t he neck or playing wit h wat ch, necklace, or earrings (self-pacifying); pulling
jacket closed (blocking)
Rubbing or cradling (self-soot hing) behaviors such as leg cleansing, crossed arms
wit h finger pressure, palms rubbing or fingers int erlacing or rubbing t oget her
Hands t hat disappear or grip chair arms (freeze response); hands raised palm up as if
asking t o be believed
Unconvincing half shrugs, t orso blading away, shoulders hunched t o t ake up less
space
Legs crossing t o block you out ; sudden onset of foot movement (jiggling or kicking
away t he unwelcome discussion) or cessat ion (freezing)
Hesit ant or uninflect ed speech
Clearing of t he t hroat
Nervous quaver or a weak voice when answering
Do liars oft en manifest t hese nonverbals? Yes, but so do t he innocent when t hey are
st ressed or t ense about somet hing. If you were pulled over for speeding or for not wearing a
seat belt , you would likely show many of t hese nonverbals. That s why I want you t o use t his
checklist t o look for nonverbals indicat ive of discomfort and ask quest ions aimed at resolving
t he discomfort . Do it at work as respect fully and caringly as you would at a family gat hering,
and t rust t hat if t here are issues, t hey show up nonverbally first .
PINPOINT NONVERBAL HOT SPOTS
How do you encourage t his higher-qualit y communicat ion? Get t hings st art ed by asking open-
ended quest ions, and ask for posit ive det ails. Weve all sat in meet ings where each person
report s on progress wit h project s. In such meet ings, you might say, Okay, t he Murphy project .
Derek, t ell me what progress youve made. What s going on wit h t hat ? Then just let t he
person t alk while you observe and list en. Do you see and hear excit ement and confidence? Or
do you see t he freezing, pacifying, blocking, or hesit ant behaviors not ed above? If t he lat t er, no
mat t er what is said, know t hat t hings are not progressing as t hey should.
If during any discussion you see signs of discomfort , a hot spot of some kind, dont
address it immediat ely unless you t hink it s appropriat e. Why? First , you need t o verify t hat
what you saw was accurat e. So, you circle back t o t he t opic under discussion when you first
spot t ed t he discomfort . Perhaps youre wit h a supplier and you say, Well, Im glad youll be able
t o make t his delivery dat e. And you observe t he supplier squint slight ly. You t alk a lit t le more,
and t hen you ret urn t o verify what you observed: By t he way, does your company foresee any
problems wit h t he delivery dat e? and see if t he person exhibit s st ress behaviors again. We
usually t end t o be consist ent about what engenders negat ive feelings, so if t heres discomfort
(in t his case wit h t he delivery dat e), it will manifest again and again. Or perhaps at t hat point
hell voice his concerns in response t o your invit at ion. If he responds wit h an emphat ic, gravit y-
defying, No, t here will be no problems, t hen you can be bet t er assured. He may simply have
had a secondary t hought such as whet her or not he would be in t own at t hat t ime, not
necessarily t hat t heres a problem wit h t he dat e.
You can engage in t his process in one-on-one conversat ion or wit h individuals in a group,
t hroughout t he course of a meet ing. Over t ime, youll get t o know colleagues nonverbals just
as you do t hose of your family, and you will be able t o read t hem like a book.
The net effect : you are demonst rat ing empat hy. You are showing you want a posit ive
out come for all. Being int erest ed and inquisit ive is very different from being accusat ory. When
done properly, it shows t hat det ails mat t er t o you and t hat you are on t op of t hings. You
generat e goodwill and promot e openness, leading t o bet t er problem solving. Aft er all, no one
wins if youre promised a delivery dat e t hat doesnt happen.
You can also use t his t echnique t o bring int ernal issues t o light . Janice, how are t hings
going wit h t he Jefferson project ? you might say. Oh, it s coming along, Janice says wit h a
sigh, rubbing her forehead, t hen smiling bright ly, Were on t he case! That s good, you say,
are you running int o any problems? [circling back, invit ing her t o open up aft er not ing her
init ial blocking behavior and unconvincing speech] Act ually, she admit s, were going a lit t le
crazy right now because Finance is lat e wit h t he forecast s. Just once Id like t o get t he
spreadsheet s from Bill when t heyre promised! she says wit h a forceful sigh. I appreciat e your
alert ing me about Finance, you say; I can call Bill if you like. No, no, she replies, Ive got it
covered. Bill owes me some favors. It ll be t ight , but well make t he deadline. [emphat ic speech]
You: Great ! Why dont we check back wit h each ot her on Friday? I want t o make sure Finance
comes t hrough. She: Sounds good. Thanks!
What happened here? You found out t hat a dedicat ed employee was experiencing
difficult y t hat she probably wouldnt have aired wit hout your inquiry. You discovered an
ongoing problem wit h Finance. You built in an addit ional checkpoint t o ensure t hat t he project
would be complet ed on t ime. You let your employee vent , gave her an opening t o ask for help,
and affirmed your belief in her abilit ies. Would any of t hese problems or posit ives have come t o
light had your nonverbal radar been t urned off?
ASK SPECIFIC QUESTIONS FOR MORE FOCUSED NONVERBAL RESPONSES
As t hese examples illust rat e, once you get t he person t o begin t alking, you can t hen ask more
specific quest ions t o gat her more specific feedback, bot h verbal and nonverbal. Suppose you
and I just concluded a deal. Were bot h looking forward t o working t oget her. But in any
business deal, t here are issues. It helps t o bring t hem t o t he surface so you can address t hem
preempt ively. You might ask me a specific quest ion such as By t he way, did you have any
t rouble get t ing t his plan t hrough your legal depart ment ? And wat ch and list en carefully t o my
answer. You might t hen reword t he quest ion: How about your execut ive st affany problems
t here? Or your engineering st aff? Maybe youll discover t hat everyt hing was fine wit h legal,
but t hat t he engineers didnt part icularly like it . Or maybe t here was not hing wrong wit h t he
plan, but legal sat on it for t hree mont hs, leaving only a week for t he engineers t o do t heir
evaluat ion, and my nonverbals express my remembered st ress. Thus t he issue might simply
have been one of t imebut because you asked specific quest ions, a deeper level of det ailed
informat ion is yielded.
I recent ly used specific quest ioning t o bring t o light what might have become a point of
cont ent ion wit h a host . I was scheduled t o give a t alk, and I had asked if someone I knew could
at t end t he session as my guest . My host agreed. When we met t o finalize t he plans, I said, Did
you receive t he informat ion from so-and-so about at t ending t he t alk? I did, my host replied,
but he squint ed slight ly. That s great ; it ll be nice t o see him t here, I said. Yeah, he said in a
soft voice, it ll be nice t o meet him. Then I asked a more specific quest ion: By t he way, are
t here any issues relat ed t o having him at t end as my guest ? Well, he answered, t ouching his
neck, It t urns out t he hot el raised t he price, so breakfast and lunch for at t endees is $100.
Now I had an accurat e reflect ion of t he sit uat ion: First , I had t hought a flat fee was paid for
food, but in fact , it was a price per person. Second, t he cost was higher t han my host had
ant icipat ed. Third, while my host was willing t o cover t he cost as a favor t o me, t here was an
emot ion at t ached t o t hat decisionand t hat emot ion was negat ive. My quest ioning provided
insight s in real t ime and let me know t here was an issue. I had cert ainly been aware t hat t hey
were doing me a favor, but now I had a clearer underst anding of t he level of t he favor, and t he
level of reciprocit y t hat would be appropriat e. Had I not inquired, and simply cont inued wit h my
fault y assumpt ions, imagine how I would have been perceived if Id suggest ed bringing a few
more guest s! Fort unat ely, t his was resolved favorably for everyone ahead of t ime.

AS I hope t he examples in t his chapt er show, t he best use of nonverbal int elligence in
business is for elicit ing useful informat ion, not specifically assessing for decept ion. Trying t o be
a lie det ect or, as some purport t o be, is a slippery slope t hat is t ime-consuming and emot ionally
draining, can make you seem paranoid, and can even have unint ended lit igious
consequences.
I have only t o remember t he parking met er incident t o be reminded t hat no mat t er how
much I st udy t his t opic, t here is always so much more t o learn, because life and people are so
nuanced and diverse t hat one can never absolut ely know t he t rut h. And in some ways, out side
of forensic sit uat ions, t he t rut h is beside t he point . The real point in business is t o achieve
success by solving problems and improving relat ionships. For t hose goals, nonverbal
int elligence is a powerful ally.
AFTERWORD
ONE OF THE client s I consult wit h t ook privat e lessons from me years ago. He said t hat
learning about nonverbal communicat ions and applying nonverbal int elligence was like
uncorking a huge reservoir of informat ion about life t hat previously had been hidden. He
found it liberat ing t o grant himself license t o t horoughly at t une t o people and sit uat ions and
say, Yes, I have a confident feeling about t his, I sense t his, and Im going t o run wit h it ,
whereas before he had always felt inhibit ed. I t hink t hat social condit ioning, coupled wit h t he
hect ic pace of modern life, does t hat t o us. It suppresses our nat ural abilit y t o engage deeply
wit h our world, compelling us t o ignore a lot of t hings we know and should act upon. Successful
people, it seems, do precisely t he opposit e.
When I speak t o young professionals, I ask t his quest ion: Suppose you are t he boss. Who
are you going t o hire or promot e? Will you hire t he person who is unreliable, slovenly, who just
never seems t o get it ? Or will you choose t he person who works hard, looks sharp, seems t o
ant icipat e problems, and represent s t he company well? The answer, of course, is obvious. But
t hen I ask, How do you achieve t hese qualit ies? That s where t he analysis oft en breaks
down. It s not , as some have suggest ed, only about dressing for success, being organized,
having an impressive degree, or possessing professional skills. We all know smart people
whose careers never seem t o t ake off, or well-credent ialed people who no one want s t o work
wit h. Conversely, we know people of modest means and humble origins for whom ot hers would
do anyt hing. These individuals, despit e all odds, succeed in t heir endeavors. They have t ruly
gone from good t o except ional!
Somet hing t hat st ands out universally about successful people is t hat t hey act and
behave successfully, no mat t er what t hey do. In great part , t hey are remarkable because t hey
live by t he nonverbals of success. They are keen observers of t he world around t hem, reading
people accurat ely and discerning t hings ahead of ot hers. Theyre also consummat ely aware
t hat t hey are t ransmit t ing informat ion nonverbally, and t his, t oo, t hey use t o t heir advant age.
Rarely are t hey caught by surprise, as t hey sense and see opport unit ies ot hers fail t o
recognize. They have imbued t hemselves wit h Arist ot les great admonit ion: We are what we
repeat edly do. Excellence, t hen, is not an act , but a habit .
What set s t hese individuals apart is what t hey t ransmit t hrough t heir at t it ude, t heir
compet ence, t heir swift ness t o act , t heir comport ment , t heir discernment , and t heir confidence,
in what ever t hey endeavor. They are const ant ly broadcast ing t he signals of success; t hey can
be t rust ed; you can have confidence in t hem. A person can say, Trust me, and t hose words
will ring hollow compared t o someone who demonstrates t hat he or she can be t rust ed. This is
why careful at t ent ionfar more t han most people realizemust be given t o nonverbal
communicat ion, for it s not so much what we say t hat est ablishes t rust , but rat her t he
t rust wort hiness t hat we exude t hrough our comport ment . How we handle ourselves and
ot hers clearly cont ribut es t o our success.
This book was writ t en t o share t he science and t he art of nonverbal communicat ion, in it s
broadest sense. It is not just about body language; it is about t hose t hings t hat communicat e
powerfully, t hat we can adopt and use t o change ourselves and t hose we want t o influence.
As you have seen, properly used, nonverbal int elligence is a force all it s own; it is t he
quint essence of what successful businesspeople do every day.
The beaut y of nonverbal int elligence is t hat it is t he great equalizer. Knowledge of it is
power. You dont have t o be rich or highly educat ed t o employ it . Nonverbal int elligence is
available t o all and it speaks a common language t hat everyone underst andsone t hat will
dist inguish you from ot hers. In a way, nonverbal int elligence is like good manners: Get t ing it
right wont aut omat ically guarant ee your success, but get t ing it wrong will definit ely undermine
you.
Properly pract iced, nonverbal int elligence elevat es t hose willing t o employ it and pract ice it
daily. It height ens our promise and broadens our part icipat ion in life by permit t ing us a richer
int eract ive relat ionship wit h ot hers. Life becomes more meaningful because so much of what
goes on around us will st and out wit h clarit y.
My int ent ion in writ ing t his book was t o share wit h you how t o more perfect ly observe life
and cont ribut e t o it dynamically t hrough nonverbal communicat ion. Human behavior, in it s
infinit e variet y, nuance, and complexit y, becomes more meaningful t hrough it s underst anding
and use. There is subt let y, beaut y, and pot ent ialin ourselves as well as in ot herst o be
discovered when we view our world in t his illuminat ed way. It is my hope t hat you will have a
great er appreciat ion for nonverbal int elligence and use it as int ended: t o read, underst and,
assist , and posit ively influence ot hers.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
WRITING A book is not easy, as anyone who has ever at t empt ed will at t est . Working wit h
Toni Sciarra Poynt er has cert ainly made t hat t ask t ruly enjoyable. I met Toni previously while
working on What Every Body Is Saying; she was t he final edit or on t hat book. Toni has a sharp
wit t o mat ch her mind, a t remendous work et hic, and a high st andard of professionalism for her
craft . Through long int erviews over t he phone, t he Int ernet , in hot el rooms, slow elevat ors,
hot el lobbies, noisy rest aurant s, and lengt hy walks t hrough Cent ral Park, Toni has been a joy
t o work wit h t hroughout t his endeavor. This book would not have been possible wit hout first
her encouragement and lat er her elegant craft ing of t he t hought s I envisioned. To her I give my
first and most sincere t hanks.
I must also t hank Tonis husband, Donald Poynt er, for his willingness t o illust rat e t his work.
I want ed t o show nonverbals in a different way, t hrough art , so t he reader could see how
nuanced nonverbal behaviors can be. Donald was able t o capt ure t hem expert ly. His art draws
you int o det ails of t he body t hat are normally overlooked; a face, for inst ance, t akes on a dept h
and a t ext ure no phot ograph can mat ch. As a not ed New York art ist and t eacher, he already
had a full schedule, and yet he made t ime for me, and for t hat I am most grat eful.
Elizabet h Barron, at t he Universit y of Tampa Macdonald-Kelce Library, receives my most
heart felt t hanks for helping me wit h my research. She has assist ed me wit h my previous four
books and has once again risen t o t he challenge wit h her usual alacrit y. If it s out t here, she
can find it , no mat t er how obscure.
Ashlee Nort h, at Saint Leo Universit y, agreed once more t o let me use her image t o
illust rat e t his work; my t hanks go out t o her also.
I also want t o t hank Mat t hew Benjamin at HarperCollins for edit ing t his work, and t he
t eam of t alent ed professionals who cont ribut ed t o making t his book possible. This is my t hird
book wit h HarperCollins, and t heir professionalism and support are always present in every
respect .
I am indebt ed t o Dr. Robert Cialdini (www.influenceat work.com) for influencing my t hinking
over t he years on how we can posit ively influence ot hers; he is t ruly a giant in his field. My
sincere t hanks go out t o him for t aking t he t ime from his busy schedule t o review an early draft
of t his manuscript prior t o publicat ion, and for his kind words.
I also want t o t hank Jack Canfield (www.jackcanfield.com) for t aking t he t ime t o review my
work and providing me wit h his posit ive comment s.
Many people have t aught me bot h formally and informally along t he way, and t hey are
always in my t hought s. But in t he end, for me it all began at home wit h my parent s, Albert and
Mariana, who t aught me, wit h t heir own body language, t he nobleness of kindness. They, along
wit h my family, have shaped my view of t he world and increased my powers of observat ion. To
my daught er St ephanie, you are wit hout equal in t his world. You give endless joy and humor
whenever we are t oget her. To all of my family, I say t hank you.
I want t o also t hank my wife, Thryt h Hillary, for giving me t he support and encouragement
t o complet e t his project . She helped me proof many of t he early draft s of t he manuscript and
provided valuable insight s from her long experience as a market ing execut ive in bot h Europe
and t he Unit ed St at es.
My grat it ude also goes t o Brian J. Hall of t he Harvard Business School, who inspired me t o
writ e t his book.
A book such as t his is based on t he underpinnings of t he giant s who came before me,
made t hose first crit ical observat ions, and t hen shared t hem wit h t he world; t o t hem I am
beholden. This work builds on t he knowledge of many, not ed in t he bibliography and ot herwise,
and seeks t o furt her expand our underst anding of t he power of nonverbal communicat ion in
everyday life. To t hat purpose I dedicat ed myself in writ ing t his book. If, in t hese effort s, t here
should be any short comings or mist akes, t hey are solely mine as t he aut hor.
Joe Navarro
Tampa, Florida
April 2009


TO MY husband, Donald, t hank you for your beaut iful drawings, for list ening as only you can,
for offering t he right words at t he right t ime, and for t he goodness of your soul. To Dona
Munker, t hank you for our breakfast s t hat become coffees, our walks t hat become t alks, and
t he innumerable ways our minds meet . To my family, I am grat eful for t he cont inuit y of your
love. To our edit or Mat t hew Benjamin and t he t eam at HarperCollins, t hank you for your care
and advocacy. Finally, I would not be writ ing t hese words wit hout t he t rust placed in me by Joe
Navarro. Thank you, Joe, for t hat , and for your knowledge, wisdom, humor, and encouragement .
Our work t oget her has been a delight .
Toni Sciarra Poynt er
New York City
April 2009

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SEARCHABLE TERMS
Not e: Ent ries in t his index, carried over verbat im from t he print edit ion of t his t it le, are unlikely t o
correspond t o t he paginat ion of any given e-book reader. However, ent ries in t his index, and
ot her t erms, may be easily locat ed by using t he search feat ure of your e-book reader.

accessories, 7677, 11920, 123
act ive list ening, 1112, 201
Adams, John, 11112
adapt ors. See pacifying behaviors
aest het ics, 710, 1516, 1045
Africa, Amy, 156
angry cust omers, 2012
apologet ic smiles, 88
appearance. See curbside appeal; personal appearance
Apple Inc., 84, 14344
arms, hands, and fingers, 5364
appropriat e t ouch and, 6364
confidence and dominance displays of arms, 5457
decept ion and, 216
hands and first impressions, 5759
high-confidence hand movement s, 5961
honest y of, 5354
low-confidence pacifying hand movement s, 6063
personal space and, 16667
present at ions and, 181
t humbs, 6061, 16667
wit hdrawn arms, 57
assessment
of curbside appeal, 13234
of decept ion, 21114
hassle t est , 171
meet ing environment , 171
of personal appearance, 12425
associat es, inappropriat e, 100101
at t it ude
behaviors and, 8687
charact er and, 1617
clot hing and, 11216
curbside appeal and, 15051
movement s and, 90
awareness, nonverbal, 32, 7778, 99100, 12425, 17275, 18990, 19293, 210, 21516

barriers, 28, 4648, 5051, 140
baseline behaviors, 36
beaut y, 710, 1045
behaviors, 81102
at t it ude and, 8687
baseline, 36
blocking, 77
business success and, 1012
environment s and, 16, 13539
eyes and dist ancing, 6770
gravit y-defying, 37, 45, 66
habit s, 9699
image and, 1415, 8184
inappropriat e associat es and, 100101
manners, 99100
movement s, 9093
nurt uring, 2930
pacifying (see pacifying behaviors)
post ure and st ance and, 89
preening, 77, 12223, 138
seat ing, 17576
smiles, 8789 (see also smiles)
st at e of mind and, 8485
t ension and (see emot ions; t ension)
voices and speech, 9396
belt s, 123
best pract ices. See sit uat ional nonverbals
Biddle, Jeff E., 104
Bills Prescript ion Cent er, 15051
blading, 50
blinks and blocks, eyes and, 6770
blocking behaviors, 5051, 77
bloggers, 129
body nonverbals, 3578
of arms, hands, and fingers, 5364
baseline behaviors and, 36
basic vocabulary of, 3542
of clot hing, 7677 (see also clot hing)
cont ext and, 3637
emphasis and, 37
facial expressions and, 42 (see also facial expressions)
gravit y-defying behaviors and, 37
hapt ics, t ouch, and, 38
of head, face, and neck, 6476
int ent ion cues and, 38
kinesics, body movement s, and, 7, 3839
of legs and feet , 4248
in meet ings, 17275, 178
microgest ures or microexpressions and, 39
pacifying behaviors and, 3940
pract ice of nonverbal observat ion and, 7778
proxemics, personal space, and, 32, 4042 (see also personal space)
synchrony (mirroring) and, 4041 (see also synchrony)
of t orso, 4853
See also behaviors
bowing, 5051
brain, human, 7, 2526. See also limbic syst em, human
Bremer, Art hur, 31
Brokaw, Tom, 93
broken window t heory, 16, 148
Busch Gardens, 144
business
angry cust omer management , 2012
comfort /discomfort paradigm in, 2425, 32
dress rules for men, 11718
dress rules for women, 11819
emot ions and, 19091
environment s (see curbside appeal)
environment s for (see environment s)
nonverbal int elligence and success in, ixxiv, 35, 8285, 1012, 22023
profit s, 8, 16, 104, 164
t errit orial displays in, 42
vet t ing wit h nonverbal int elligence for, 21011
working habit s, 9699

Caesars Palace, 16, 13839
calming, emot ions and, 19798
cards, business, 14647
car indust ry, 17
casual dress, 11216
cell phones. See t elephones
charact er, 1617, 83. See also image
chin, 66
Churchill, Winst on, 96, 98
Clark, Marcia, 116
cleanse, leg, 4849
Clint on, Bill, 74
Clint on, Hillary, 93
clot hing, 10719
body nonverbals and, 7677
business dress rules for men, 11718
business dress rules for women, 11819
casual dress, 11216
dressing for cont ext , 108
dressing for respect , 10812
image and, 1078
job int erviews and, 185
juries and, 11617
Pet er t he Great and Russian, 810
synchrony and, 41, 11012
See also personal space
comfort , 2224, 33, 47, 13032, 13944. See also comfort /discomfort paradigm
comfort /discomfort paradigm, 1933
aut hors development of, 2023
in business, 2425, 33
comfort and discomfort signs, 2224, 21516
cult ure and, 32
decept ion and, 21220
freeze, flight , and fight responses of, 2629
image and, 25
as innat ely human, 1920, 2325
limbic syst em and, 2529
meet ings and, 15961 (see also meet ings)
nurt uring behaviors and, 2930
synchrony (mirroring) and, 3032
comfort dividend, 13032
common language, 1214
communicat ion, full, 21415
compassion, 19394
comput ers, 140
condit ioning, cult ural. See cult ure
confidence displays, 5457, 5961, 8183, 12425, 186
cont ext , 3637, 108. See also environment s
cont ingency planning, 144
cont ract negot iat ion, 17475
corpus callosum, 25
cost , comfort , 13032, 146
count erint elligence, 2021, 205
count erint uit ive responses, 2023
crossed legs, 4648
cult ure
arms, hands, and fingers and, 54
comfort /discomfort paradigm and, 32
greet ings and, 163
jewelry and, 11920
personal space and, 16567
t ouch and, 63
curbside appeal, 12758
aest het ics and, 1516
assessment of, 13235
Busch Gardens, 144
Caesars Palace, 13839
comfort dividend and, 13032
comfort issues, 13944
cont agious percept ions and, 136
cust omer service and, 12729
cust omer t rust and, 158
Disney World, 13738
element s of, 13539, 14547
employee performance and, 14852
first impressions and, 15255
managing det ails of, 155
Publix market s, 14142
Web sit es, 15658
cust omers, angry, 2012
cust omer service, 12729, 13233, 14852

debat es, president ial, 18, 1034
decept ion, 20920
assessment of, 21114
business and, 220
comfort /discomfort paradigm and, 21420
discomfort and, 21516
hands and, 62
t ension and, 20110
vet t ing and, 21011
denial, vent ral, 28, 50
disast er planning, emot ions and, 2034
discomfort
decept ion and, 21011, 21516
inducing, 15961
signs of, 2224, 21516
See also comfort /discomfort paradigm
Disney World, 109, 13738
dist ance. See personal space
dist ancing behaviors, 6770
dominance displays, 5457
dress codes, 112, 154. See also clot hing
drinks, 131, 186
drug-induced emot ions, 19798

East ern Airlines, 129, 18283
effect ive messages, 14546
eight magic words, 15455
Ekman, Paul, 39, 206
eloquence, 1011, 96. See also present at ions; speech
emot ions, 189207
angry cust omers, 2012
awareness of, 18990, 194
business and, 19091
calming of, 19798
compassion and, 19394
curbside appeal and, 134
decept ion and, 21011
disast er planning for, 2034
dist ance and, 196
emphasis and, 37
eyes and, 68
group dynamics and, 18283
humor, fun, and, 2046
indulgence of, 199200
managing, 19499
managing ones own, 2023
meet ings and, 17778
reason and, 19193, 2067
t ension and, 19293
t ouch and, 19495
vent ing of, 19899
empat hy, 1112, 218
emphasis, 37
employees
curbside appeal and performance of, 14852
first cont act , 12729, 133, 15155
meet ing behavior of, 177
environment s
aest het ics and, 1516 (see also curbside appeal)
clot hing and, 108
for meet ings, 16772
present at ions and, 18384
et iquet t e, 1415, 99100
Everet t , Edward, 1011
excellence, xiiixiv, 22123
exhaling, 174, 180, 196
eyebrows, 7071
eyes, 6771
blocks, blinks, squint s, and dist ancing behaviors, 28, 6770, 215
emot ions and, 19293
eye cont act , 15455
microexpressions and, 39
posit ive expressions and, 7071
rolling of, 76
t ension and t unnel vision, 19293

facial expressions
decept ion and, 216
emot ions and, 194, 2067
eyes and, 6771 (see also eyes)
meet ings and, 17275
microexpressions, 39, 6465
mixed signals and, 42, 65
moods and, 206
mout h and, 7276 (see also smiles)
nose and, 72
false smiles, 88
FBI (Federal Bureau of Invest igat ion), xi, 7, 1214, 2425, 36, 62, 8181, 98, 11314, 168,
191, 198, 205
feet . See legs and feet
Fidelit y Invest ment s, 171
fight response, 2829, 192
fingernails, 58, 75, 122
fingers. See arms, hands, and fingers
first cont act employees, 12729, 133, 15155
first impressions
curbside appeal and, 13944, 153
hands and, 5759
personal appearance and, 125
Web sit es and, 15658
flashbulb eyes, 71
flight response, 2728, 192
food, 129, 178
food market s, 14142
foot lock, 48. See also legs and feet
formal meet ing environment s, 16768
Franklin, Benjamin, 11012
freeze response, 2627, 192
Fridays, casual, 112, 11516
front ing, vent ral, 50
fun, 2046

gas st at ions, 13637
Get t ysburg Address, 1011
goals, meet ing, 16869
gravit y-defying behaviors, 37, 45, 66
greet ings, 16167
approaching men vs. approaching women, 16162
handshakes as first t ouches, 64, 16265
language for, 15355
personal space and, 16567
smiles and, 8789
grooming, 5758, 77, 1057, 12223
group dynamics, 18283

habit s, 9699
half shrugs, 5153
Hall, Edward, 165
Hamermesh, Daniel S., 104
hands. See arms, hands, and fingers
handshakes, 64, 16265
bad, 163164
hapt ics, 38. See also t ouch
hassle t est , meet ing environment , 171
Hawt horne St udies, 11516
head, 6567. See also facial expressions
healing, t ouch and, 19495
Held, Richard, 8182, 9192
hesit at ions, speech, 95, 179, 186
high-confidence hand movement s, 5961
Hinckley, John W., Jr., 31
hippocampus, 2526
honest y
of arms, hands, and fingers, 53
of legs and feet , 28, 43
hooding, 5455
Hospit al Consumer Assessment of Healt hcare Providers and Syst ems, 15
hot spot s, nonverbal, 21718
human brain. See brain, human; comfort /discomfort paradigm; limbic syst em, human
humor, 2046

image
behaviors and, 1415, 8184
charact er and, 1617
clot hing and, 1078
comfort /discomfort paradigm and, 25
managing, 18384, 22123
present at ions and, 184
indulgence, emot ions and, 199200
informal meet ing environment s, 16768
In Search of Excellence (book), 149
insignia, business, 147
int angibles, 1617. See also image
int ent ion cues, 38, 4446
int erpersonal dist ance, 40. See also personal space
int erviews, job, 18486
int imidat ion, 15961, 18687
int roduct ions. See greet ings
isopraxis, 21, 30, 33, 50. See also synchrony

jewelry, 11920
job int erviews, 18486
jury clot hing preferences, 11617

Kennedy, John F., 1034
kinesics, 3839. See also movement s

language, 1214, 15355
lapel pins, 147
leadership, 89, 91, 9899
leaning, 28, 5051, 17273
legs and feet , 4248
crossed legs, 4648
decept ion and, 216
foot lock, 48
gravit y-defying feet , 45
honest y of, 28, 42
int ent ion cues and, 38
jiggling, 43
leg cleanse, 4849
leg splay, 4546
point ing of feet , 44
st art ers posit ion, 4546
limbic syst em, human
brain st ruct ure and, 2526
emot ions and, 19193 (see emot ions)
freeze, flight , and fight responses of, 2629
limbic honest y, 43, 53
Lincoln, Abraham, 1011
lips, 7375, 17475. See also mout h; smiles
list ening, act ive, 1112, 201
locat ions. See environment s
logic, emot ions and, 19193, 2067
low-confidence hand movement s, 6063
lying. See decept ion

makeup, 1057, 122
manners, 1415, 99100
Marriot t corporat ion, 149
McDonalds, 8889
meet ings, 16778
employee behaviors at , 177
formal vs. informal environment s for, 16768
hassle t est for, 171
inducing discomfort in, 15961
managing t ensions at , 17778
movement and, 92
negot iat ions, 17475, 178
nonverbal awareness and, 17275
set t ing goals and mood for, 16869
set t ing t he environment for, 16972
st rat egic seat ing for, 17576
t ime efficiency for, 176
See also present at ions
men
approaching, 16162
business dress rules for, 11718
microgest ures and microexpressions, 39, 6465
mimicry. See synchrony
mirroring, verbal, 1214. See also synchrony
mixed signals, 42, 65
mood, meet ing, 16769
mout h, 7276, 17475. See also smiles
movement s
behaviors and, 9093, 12425
body nonverbals and, 7, 3839
high-confidence hand movement s, 5961
low-confidence pacifying hand movement s, 6063
moving ot hers wit h, 9192
orient at ion t oward, 57, 122
smoot h, 9293

nails, 58, 75, 122
neat ness, 140
neck, 6567, 76
negot iat ions, 17475, 178
nervousness, 181, 185
nervous smiles, 88
neurological responses, 2629, 192
Nixon, Richard, 1034
nonverbal int elligence
act ive list ening and, 1112, 201
aut hors experience wit h, xi, xiii, 7, 1214, 2025, 3132, 36, 62, 8183, 9293, 98,
1089, 11314, 143, 15961, 168, 18991, 193, 195, 19798, 205
awareness and (see awareness, nonverbal)
behaviors and, 1415 (see also behaviors)
best uses of, 18687, 220 (see also sit uat ional nonverbals)
body nonverbals and, 7 (see also body nonverbals)
business success and, ixxiv, 35, 18, 8285, 1012, 22023 (see also business)
charact er, image, and, 1618 (see also image)
comfort /discomfort paradigm of, 1933 (see also comfort /discomfort paradigm)
curbside appeal of business environment s and, 1516 (see also curbside appeal)
decept ion and, 20920 (see also decept ion)
emot ions and (see emot ions)
personal appearance and, 710 (see also personal appearance)
scope and vocabulary of, xixiii, 617
speech and, 1011 (see also present at ions; speech)
t hin slice assessment s and, x, 56, 125
t his book about , ixx, 22223
verbal mirroring and, 1214, 95, 179 (see also synchrony)
nose, 72
nurt uring behaviors, 2930

Obama, Barack, 96, 147, 170
observat ion. See awareness, nonverbal
orient at ion reflex, 57, 122
oxyt ocin, 30, 63, 16465

pacifying behaviors, 3940, 4849, 6063, 65, 6768, 77, 174
paint , 13739
paper shredders, 145
paralinguist ics, 1011. See also speech
passive aggression, 28
pauses, 95, 180
percept ion management , xi, 17, 203
percept ions, cont agious, 136
performance, employee, 14852
perfumes, 122
personal appearance, 10325
aest het ics, beaut y, and, 710, 1045
business success and, 1037
clot hing and, 10720, 123 (see also clot hing)
grooming and makeup and, 12223
job int erviews and, 185
self-awareness check on, 12425
t at t oos and, 12122
personal image. See image
personal space, 32, 4042, 4546, 5157, 16567, 178, 196
Pet ers, Tom, 149
Pet er t he Great , 810
phones. See t elephones
planning, emot ions and, 2034
point ing, hands and, 59
point ing feet , 38, 44
polit e smiles, 88
polit icians handshake, 16364
posit ive expressions, 7071
post ural echoing. See synchrony
post ure, 89
Powell, Colin, 8384
power vent ing, 199
pract icing, 96, 181
preening behaviors, 77, 12223, 138
present at ions, 1011, 18, 96, 1034, 18083. See also meet ings; speech
president ial campaigns, 18, 1034
Principles of Kinesic Interview and Interrogation (book), 39
privacy, 141, 170, 193
product ivit y, casual Fridays and, 11516
professionalism, 83
profit s, 8, 16, 104, 164
prot ocol, 99100
proxemics, 40, 165. See also personal space
public smiles, 8788
Publix food market s, 14142

quest ioning smiles, 88
quest ions, 21720

rank, 16667
Reagan, Ronald, 31, 183
reason, emot ions and, 19193, 2067
recept ionist s, 133, 15255
recognit ion, emot ional, 194
Reeser, Marc, 205
regal st ance, 57
rehearsing, 96, 181
Reno, Janet , 114
reput at ion, 83. See also charact er
respect , 5051, 10812, 155
Rogers, Carl, 12
royal t reat ment , 169
rubbing, hand, 6063
Rule of Mixed Signals, 65
Russia, 810

safet y, 137
seat ing, 140, 17576
Secret Service, 31
self-awareness check, 12425
self-present at ion. See image
set t ing. See cont ext ; environment s
shielding, 28, 5051
shoes, 11820
shoulders, 5153, 89
shrugs, 5153
silence, 95, 180
sit uat ional awareness, 99100. See also awareness, nonverbal
sit uat ional nonverbals, 15987
business and, 18687
greet ings and, 16167
inducing discomfort , 15961
job int erviews and, 18486
meet ings and, 16778
present at ions and, 18084
t elephone nonverbals, 17880
smiles, 7273, 8789, 129, 150, 15455, 185, 214
sneers, 7576
space. See personal space
speech
emot ions and, 196
paralinguist ics and, 1011
phone nonverbals and, 17880
t elephones and (see t elephones)
voices and, 9396
See also present at ions
speed, 90
Spit zer, Eliot , 1617
splays, 4546, 5153
squint s, 6770
st ance, 89
st anding, 9192, 16062
st art ers posit ion, 4546
st at e of mind, 8485
st at us, 16667
st eepling, 5960
st rat egic seat ing, 17576
st ress. See emot ions; t ension
success, ixxiv, 35, 18, 8285, 1012, 22023
suit s, 11718
Sullenberger, Chesley B., III, 93, 207
SWAT t eams, 9293, 11314
swit chboards, 132
synchrony
behaviors and, 84
body nonverbals and, 4041, 46, 50, 59
clot hing and, 11012
comfort /discomfort paradigm and, 3033
emot ions and, 194, 196
handshakes and, 16264
job int erviews and, 186
meet ings and, 177
verbal mirroring, 1214, 95, 179

t at t oos, 12122, 185
t elephones, 12728, 14950, 15355, 170, 17780, 186
t elevised president ial debat es, 1034
t ension, 21, 87, 17778, 19293, 20910
t errit orial displays, 4142, 4546, 5157. See also personal space
t hin slice assessment s, x, 56, 125
t humbs, 6061, 16667
t ime and t iming, 169, 176
t one, vocal, 94
t orso, 4853
leaning, shielding, and bowing of, 28, 5051
shrugs and splays of, 5153
as soft underbelly, 4849
vent ral front ing, vent ral denial, and, 50
t ouch
act ive list ening and, 1112
body nonverbals and, 38, 59, 6364
emot ions and healing, 19495
handshakes as first , 16265
pacifying behaviors and, 3940
t raining
cust omer service, 128, 153
emot ions and, 2023, 2067
t rue smiles, 88
t rust , 158, 222
t unnel vision, 19293
t wo-but t on suit s, 117

uniforms, 109, 11415
upwardness. See gravit y-defying behaviors

vent ing, emot ions and, 19899
vent ral denial, 28, 50
vent ral front ing, 50
verbal communicat ion, 21420. See also speech
verbal mirroring, 1214, 95, 179. See also synchrony
vet t ing, 21011
visibilit y, 9192, 9899
vision, emot ions and, 19293
voices, 9396, 180. See also speech
volume, vocal, 9495, 180

Wallace, George C., 31
wat ches, 118, 120, 123
Wat erman, Robert H., Jr., 149
Wat t , Mary Hadfield, 86
Web sit es, 133, 15658
What Every Body Is Saying (book), 26, 35, 64, 212
windows, 16, 13536, 148, 170
wit hdrawn arms, 57
women
approaching, 16162
business dress rules for, 11819
dominance displays and, 5456
st eepling and, 5960
vocal t one of, 9394
wringing, hand, 6063
About the Authors

JOE NAVARRO is t he aut hor of t he popular books What Every Body Is Saying and Phil
Hellmuth Presents Read Em and Reap. For t went y-five years he was an FBI
count erint elligence special agent and supervisor specializing in nonverbal communicat ions. He
lect ures int ernat ionally and consult s wit h Fort une 500 companies, as well as t he FBI, t he U.S.
St at e Depart ment , and ot her members of t he int elligence communit y. He frequent ly appears
on major media such as Hardball with Chris Matthews, t he Today show, t he CBS Early Show,
CNN, and Fox News. He lives in Tampa, Florida.
TONI SCIARRA POYNTER is a writ er and edit orial consult ant who has worked in book
publishing for more t han t went y-five years. She lives in New York Cit y.
www.jnforensics.com
Visit www.Aut horTracker.com for exclusive informat ion on your favorit e HarperCollins aut hor.
ALSO BY JOE NAVARRO

Phil Hellmuth Presents Read Em and Reap
What Every Body Is Saying
Credits
Jacket phot ograph Henrik Sorensen/Get t y Images
Illust rat ions by Donald Bruce Poynt er

Copyright

LOUDER THAN WORDS. Copyright 2010 by Joe Navarro. All right s reserved. All right s
reserved under Int ernat ional and Pan-American Copyright Convent ions. By payment of t he
required fees, you have been grant ed t he non-exclusive, non-t ransferable right t o access and
read t he t ext of t his e-book on-screen. No part of t his t ext may be reproduced, t ransmit t ed,
down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or st ored in or int roduced int o any informat ion
st orage and ret rieval syst em, in any form or by any means, whet her elect ronic or mechanical,
now known or hereinaft er invent ed, wit hout t he express writ t en permission of HarperCollins e-
books.
Library of Congress Cat aloging-in-Publicat ion Dat a
Navarro, Joe, 1953
Louder t han words: t ake your career from average t o except ional wit h t he hidden power of
nonverbal int elligence / Joe Navarro wit h Toni Sciarra Poynt er.1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-06-177139-2
1. Career development . 2. Nonverbal communicat ion. I. Poynt er, Toni Sciarra. II. Tit le.
HF5381.N357 2009
650.1'3dc22
2009021396
EPub Edit ion January 2010 ISBN: 978-0-06-196986-7
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
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