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com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)

Contents
Page 2 Forward
Page 3 So. . . . What Is Self Esteem?
Page 4 Tip 1 Access The Power Of Your Subcoscious !id
Page 5 Tip " Practice The Art Of #ood $eeds% #ood Fid&s #ood
Page 6 Tip ' Acti(ate Your Positi(e )hemicals. Thi* Ad Feel
+etter
Page 7 Tip , $e(elop A Attitude Of #ratitude
Page 8 Tip - .isuali/e Your Wa0 To Self Esteem
Page 9 Tip 1 2i(e A 2ife Of 2au3hter
Page 10 Tip 4 +ecome Your Ow +est Fried
Page 11 Tip 5 2i(e I The Preset% There Is 6owhere Else
Page 12 Tip 7 $e(elop The S*ill Of Empath0
Page 13 Tip 18 Accept All )omplimets With Tha*s
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Ten Ways To Greater Self Esteem
Forward
Hi, I have worked in the field of counselling and coaching for some time now, and I am always
amazed at the God given ability we humans have to improve our lives for the better. There
has been great philosophical debate throughout the centuries, as to 'why we are here', and
'what life is about'. In simple terms, people of all walks of life have fundamentally come to the
same conclusion. That is, we are here to make what we can of life, to lead meaningful
relationships, to reproduce, and master areas of our own choice. Happiness is an achievement
we can come to know and love, through improving our thoughts and beliefs about the world
and each other.
aybe you are reading this book because you wish to improve your own self esteem, if so I am
!uite sure the things you shall learn about will help you greatly. aybe you are reading this
book because you have things going on in your life which you are struggling with. If this is the
case then please do read on, as I know the ideas you will get from this book will have some
benefit to you both emotionally and psychologically. "r, maybe you are reading this book
because you want to feel better today. #hile I can not promise immediate relief from inner
burdens, I can ensure you that if you are to take some of the ideas in this book and practice
them like you would a hobby, self esteem will happen for you
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
So. . . . What Is Self Esteem?
$ut simply, self esteem is a person's own evaluation of themselves psychologically, emotionally,
physically, and spiritually. %elf esteem is mainly about the worth we give ourselves, how much
we like ourselves, and how well we feel about ourselves. %elf esteem is something we have
internalized over time, and has often been influenced by other sources such as friends, family,
and any significant other figures in our lives. If a person is told that they are 'not good
enough' over a certain period of time by a close one& or colleague& or teacher for e'ample& it is
likely this person will to some e'tent have believed the criticism as 'truth'. #e can often be
tricked into thinking rich and successful people have undoubtedly got the highest levels of self
esteem. This however is an illusion. "ur lives can be broken down into different categories
and, while career& wealth& and status are three particular categories& self esteem may be
lacking in family, relationship, and health categories for e'ample. #e are all human, so it
follows that our self esteem will fluctuate throughout the different changes and challenges we
meet.
So. . . . Why Is Self Esteem Important?
%elf esteem is important because it gives you the piece of mind you need to appreciate your
own life and the lives of others. %elf esteem, brings a person (oy& confidence& well being& and
wholeness. ) person with a good level of self esteem, has the ability to live life (oyfully
regardless of set backs. The good news is, improving self esteem is easy when a person realizes
that she*he can take responsibility over there own thoughts feelings and behaviors. Improving
self esteem is as easy as taking up a small hobby such as reading. +earning to do self esteem
enhancing e'ercises will lead you toward a better and happier life.
And. . . . How Do I begin To Improe !y Self?
,ou can simply begin today to work through some of the ideas and e'ercises listed in this
book. %ome of them might be more appealing to you than others -)fter all we are all different.
as you read through the information, become aware of how what you are learning you can
incorporate into your own life. /e sure to try to rela', there is no need to be an'ious about the
e'ercises. If you do feel a little an'ious though, remember that this is only because you want
what's best for yourself -in this case building self esteem as best you can.. Throughout this
book, rela'ation will be a core message which will undoubtedly lead you to becoming more
self aware and at peace with yourself. $lease note, this book is only aimed as a complimentary
therapy, and if you are suffering with a medical condition, you might wish to consult a 0octor
who could direct you to a relevant source of her*his recommendation.
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip 1 Access The Power Of Your
Subconscious Mind You effect the unconscious mind through verba
repetition! Cement "tone
#ost peope go through ife $ithout having any %no$edge of an ama&ing inteigence born in to us
a as a precious gift' $hich ao$s us to use our minds to create $hat $e $ant( )ur conscious
minds are invoved in processing our conscious thoughts through our sensory perceptive systems(
*hat ever $e touch' fee' sme' taste' see' or hear $i be processed through our conscious minds(
"o $hie eating a favorite food $e are consciousy a$are that the food tastes nice' and $e begin to
te our subconscious mind ho$ $onderfu the food is by continuay affirming it verbay' and
through taste and sme( #H)T1213 #1 4"5TI561 T" T1++ "63 %6/4"5%4I"6%
I50, "63 %6/4"5%4I"6% I50 #I++ 0IG1%T )50 )71 T36TH "8.
"o' in simpe terms' one sure $ay to increase sef esteem $hich has been proven to $or%' is to
continuay practice verba affirmations $hich ead our subconscious minds into happiness( +o$( ( (
ets thin% about this ogicay and simpy( ,o$ sef esteem is a resut of the subconscious mind
being fed $ith negative and defeating beiefs such as- I 4)5'T, I' 6%1+1%%, I #I++ 51213
0" IT, 5"/"0, +I71% 1, I' %" )5G3,, I' %" 01$31%%10, +I81 %647%. -TH1
+I%T G"1% "5..
.he subconscious mind is a po$erfu' it is $or%ing $hie $e are aseep and a$a%e( /t is designed
for us to ead satisfying ives' and has been responsibe for the great creations of man%ind(
0o$ever' far too many of us' strugging in our day to day ives have not come to understand ho$
$e can use it for it1s good( 2nd( ( ( beieve me' the subconscious mind is ama&ing in ensuring our
$e being in body' mind and sou( /t is responsibe for a unconscious processes such as heart beat
and hair gro$th( /t heas our $ounds' reproduces our ces' and grants us unimited creativity(
"o' here is the %ey to improving sef esteem through the subconscious mind( 3oo$ my instruction'
personai&e it to your o$n needs' practice the e4ercise daiy' t$ice daiy' or thrice daiy and notice
great resuts-
3ind a 5uiet pace to rea4 aone' a comfy space $here you are not i%ey to be disturbed(
Do not try this e4ercise $hie driving or operating machinery(
"it or ie comfortaby' and if possibe set the scene $ith some nice 5uiet rea4ation music
(there is oads on the internet)(
3ocus on your breathing' breath through the diaphragm by pumping your tummy out i%e a
baoon as you breath in' hoding it for five seconds' then breathing out again' do this
continuay(
Visuai&e being on a nice beach $ith sunshine beating do$n' and notice ho$ rea4ed you
are( 6e a$are sti of your breathing and its caming effect on your body(
7epeat the foo$ing $ords /1m feeing good' / fee rea4ed' / i%e mysef in a situations!
repeat this ten times as a %ind of uaby(
"tep si4- repeat the foo$ing $ords #y 8oy is $ithin me' / i%e mysef in every $ay' /1m
strong!
repeat this ten times as a uaby( Create ne$ and persona affirmations for your mind((
2$ays remember the infinite $isdom of the subconscious mind is a source of divine energy $hich
can be tapped into at any time( 2$ays feed your subconscious mind $ith positive heathy thoughts
by affirming positive phrases( ,i%e$ise create nice vivid images in your mind of beautifu scenes'
oo% reguary at sunsets' couds' trees' and a%es or rivers( .hese images are great for the mind99
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip 2 Practice The Art Of Good Deeds, Good
Find's Good:oodness /s .he )ny /nvestment .hat +ever 3ais! .horeau
#any of us' ose trac% of feeing good about ourseves' because $e ead busy demanding ifestyes(
"ome of us are that busy doing things for others that $e end up feeing burnt out an unappreciated(
"ome of us' are that busy trying to meet a deadine or finish a pro8ect' that $e ose vauabe time
$ith famiy and friends( .hen there are some of us' $ho are so burdened $ith current $orries'
probems' and setbac%s' that $e seem to ac% in appreciation of ourseves and $ho $e reay are(
"ef esteem can reach different points in different areas of our ives' and is a very interna concept(
6y this / mean that $e might try hard to create an image of ourseves as having great esteem' $hen
reay inside $e are a$are of 5uite the contrary( .a%e for e4ampe a oo% at our 0oy$ood stars' or
indeed our great 6ritish pop idos( /n this current age of muti media' some of us actuay find
entertainment in noticing the unhappiness in these rich successfu stars( .he truth is' sef esteem has
nothing to do $ith $hat $e have physicay' or materiay' but is more to do $ith $hat is going on
in our hearts and minds(
/f you $ant to start feeing good in your ife %T)3T /, I5#)30+, 431)TI5G %"1
G""0 THI5G% ,"6 4)5 0" I5 1213, )31) "8 ,"63 +I81 )% 83" T"0),9
TH15 )4T "5 TH1%1 I01)%.
/ don1t $ant this to sound daunting' or too much i%e hard $or%' and' /1m not as%ing you to become
a mirace $or%er( .o embar% on this ne$ mini pro8ect' $e simpy set ourseves some sma
achievabe tas%s $hich hod the same end resut ,"6 #I++ 811+ G""09
0ere is $hat / did $hen / embar%ed on this mini pro8ect for the first time( / $as reuctant to to try it'
but beieve me the end resut $as ama&ing( #y sef esteem $ent 1through the roof1 and / fet great(
#y ;an $as as foo$s( ( ( ( pease create your o$n( .hree good things a day $i suffice (oh( ( (
and don1t te anybody about your good deeds9)
<4change greetings $ith a stranger' comment on $hat a beautifu day it is
;ay a friend=coeague a compiment on ho$ $e they oo% today (and mean it)
.a%e a bag of goods to a oca charity shop and don1t te anyone (this is important)
;ic% itter up on the oca pay area $here my son pays reguary
<mpathi&e $ith the ady in the shop $ho is going through a roc%y divorce
Congratuate the ne4t door neighbor $ho 8ust found a 8ob(
"mie at passer by $ho you find particuary attractive(
;ease' ony see my action pan as something / needed to do to create some 1goodness1 in my ife'
the idea is for you to recogni&e that you can incorporate sma and simpe things into your o$n ife'
to create inner feeings of sef $orth( /t can be as simpe as offering a $arm smie to a passer by'
than%ing a shop%eeper for a %ind service' or pic%ing up the phone and teing a distant reative that
you miss them( "tart no$ creating goodness9 2nd en8oy the resuts( 2nd( ( ( ( remember to tap into
your subconscious mind' by becoming rea4ed and as%ing it to provide you $ith the means to create
ne$ ideas around 1good1 things(
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip ! Acti"ate Your Positi"e #he$ica%s
Thin& And Fee% 'etter #ovement is a medicine for creating change
in a person1s physica' emotiona' and menta states! Caro *ech(
You are probaby $e a$are of the term 1endorphin1 $hich reates to our ama&ing process of
creating natura innate opiates as a resut of doing a physica activity $e en8oy( *e a have $ithin
us this abiity to produce positive chemicas in our minds $hich $i ead us to a great sense of
serenity and 8oy(
.he foods $e eat and the drin%s $e consume aso have an effect on the $ay $e fee( 0o$ever' for
many of us' the thought of eating ot1s of heathy vegetabes' fish' and $hoegrain foods seems more
of a burden than a peasure( ,i%e$ise' to many of us' the thought of engaging in some good
physica e4ercise seems daunting and over$heming( 0o$ever this needn1t be the reaity(
/f you are not getting any reguar e4ercise' start to ist do$n on a piece of paper some activities you
coud start doing ighty( .his does not have to be a costy affair' /t aso does not have to ta%e up a
great dea of your time( /t does ho$ever' have to be something you can reaisticay achieve( ,our
self esteem levels will immediately soar, as you embark on a small physical activity which you
can achieve.
.o the beginner' the activity coud be something as simpe as ta%ing a $a% around the boc%( /f you
are uc%y enough to have a safe' popuated par% nearby' you coud aso consider istening to a
persona stereo( .his needs to be ris% assessed ho$ever( /t is more safe and sensibe to e4ercise
$hie istening to music' in a ight' safe pace such as a gym' or a staffed par%( #usic and e4ercise
bring more vibration to your o$n natura rhythm( .his can have a profound effect on your menta
and physica response $hich is highy infuenced by a rush of endorphins(
;ease do not be put off by the thought of e4ercise as a means to buiding your sef esteem( .here
are some of us $ho can not physicay $a% or do any form of physica e4ercise' due to sic%ness or
disabiity( 0o$ever' finding something $hich enabes you to be creative in some$ay is aso a
means to get in touch $ith those positive chemicas $hich $i ead to higher eves of sef esteem(
3oo$ these steps in creating achievabe sef esteem boosting activities-
;ic% an activity of your choice' anything $hich you fee interested in or passionate about
$hich is achievabe for e4ampe- $a%ing>8ogging>$riting>painting>coo%ing>music
Carry out some research on your chosen activity' visit paces $here you can practice your
activity' use the oca ibrary=internet for tips on improving your activity
ta% to i%e minded peope $ho en8oy the same activity as you(
?se your chosen activity as your o$n bit of space' notice the positive responses you
e4perience $hie doing the activity(
/ncrease the fre5uency of the activity' ma%e it a priority and a common habit' by doing this'
higher sef esteem $i become a common response
)nce you come to understand the simpicity of boosting your o$n sef esteem by practicing
activities $hich hep you to fee good' you $i gain a greater sense of sef( .he %ey is to start sma
and re$ard yoursef accordingy( *hether you have $a%ed the boc%> or $ritten a poem> run a
marathon or cimbed a mountain' be sure to re$ard yoursef $ith something you deserve(
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip ( De"e%op An Attitude Of Gratitude
.o spea% gratitude is courteous and peasant' to enact gratitude is generous and nobe' but to ive
gratitude is to touch heaven! Johannes 2 :aertner(
2s% yoursef the 5uestion 0o$ gratefu am /@! and then isten to yoursef being as truthfu as you
can( 0aving $or%ed $ith many $onderfu cients over the years' many have strugged to ist ten
things they coud be gratefu for in their ives( "o' / chaenge you right no$( .a%e a pen and some
paper and 8ot do$n ten things you reay have to be gratefu for' these coud be things from the past
or the present( 0o$ easy is it for you to do this e4ercise@ Did the ten things come to you
immediatey' or' did you strugge consciousy recoecting them@
:ratitude and being than%fu for $hat $e have' $hat $e ove' our specia gifts both materiay and
spirituay' is a positive attitude $hich has an ama&ing effect on our eve of sef esteem( .he truth
of the matter is' you do have something to be gratefu for if you $i be open enough to ao$ it(
#any of us have a human tendency to focus hard on $hat $e don1t i%e in our ives' $e are
determined to d$e on things $hich cause us anger' hostiity' frustration' and shame( #uch of this
can be to do $ith our past e4periences( *e have been so over$hemed by something 1bad1 $hich
happened in our earier days' that $e continuay tarnish our current e4perience $ith negativity(
*hen you decide to be gratefu for the things you have' you are ma%ing a conscious decision to i%e
and appreciate these things( .his immediatey evo%es a sense of 8oy and contentment $hich $i add
to your measure of sef esteem( #any of us ta%e for granted the beauty of a day' the bessing of
good heath' strengths and attributes' oved ones' materia possessions' and the free $i to choose
our o$n ife path(
#any of us ta%e for granted the fo$ of running $ater' heated homes' comfy beds' and an endess
suppy of the foods of our choice( .he Victorians $oud be a very confused peope if they $ere to
gance into their future and see man%ind in this t$enty first century( .hey $oud see our advanced
technoogy' our abundance of nice foods and cothes' an eaborate $efare state' and cures to many
%ier diseases( .hen they $oud see aongside these great things' the doom and goom' the tension
and stress' and the genera pessimism of the today1s peope(
6eing gratefu about the itte things in your ife is the start to creating a greater sense of inner
gratitude $hich $i ead to greater sef esteem( .o many' it $i seem i%e an unusua concept' to
some it $i seem abnorma( #any choose to be ungratefu and meet $ith frustration' $ant' and
discontentment( You can begin right no$ to deveop an attitude of gratitude-
2s day da$ns or night dra$s in' oo% to the s%ies and their beauty( ,oo% at the trees and the
different coors and in your mind say than% you for the day( ?se your heart to reay e4press
the gratitude' ta%e deep breaths and rea4 into the gratitude
.hin% about a oved one and the imprint they have had on your ife' those happy times' their
uni5ue character and beauty( /n your mind say than% you for this person( <(g /1m so gratefu
for 3red and the aughter he gives me so often!
.hin% about your AB inch ,CD teevision $ith Doby surround( .hin% of the impact this has
on your en8oyment of fims and programmes( "tart to say than%s for the great 5uaity of
picture and sound you reguary e4perience(
.hin% about a difficut time $hen you $ere unsure ho$ things $ere going to pan out( 2 time
$here you fet a aone( 6e gratefu for the fact you came through it and the strength you
have no$ gained as a resut
6e gratefu for the sma things' a friendy greeting from a stranger' the peace of a nice 5uiet
pace' a ne$ person $ho has come into your ife' or the reief of a person $ho has eft (
311/13 G3)TIT601 I% %"1THI5G ,"6 4)5 /1GI5 T" 0121+"$
3IGHT 5"#. IT 31)++, #I++ +I8T ,"63 %1+8 1%T119
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip ) *isua%i+e Your ,a- To Se%f .stee$
Visuai&e the thing that you $ant' see it' fee it' beieve in it' mar% your menta bue print' and
begin to buid! 7obert Coier
2re you a$are of the po$er of your mind and nervous system@ Did you %no$ you have the abiity
to e4perience anything you $ish to 8ust by visuai&ing( *e' to start $ith then' cose your eyes and
imagine standing in front of a rose garden' as you oo% at the roses you can see their vivid coors'
sme their fragrant smes' and fee a summer bree&e( "o( ( ( ho$ $as that@ Did you find the coors
came easiy' the fragrance easiy' and the fee of the summer bree&e 5uite rea@ /f you did' you have
8ust proven to yoursef that you can create any e4perience you $ant by using your o$n mind( /f you
did not find it so easy' do not be disheartened( Visuai&ation is a s%i $hich can be earned by us a'
and gets easier and easier the more $e practice it(
/t is important to earn to get into rea4ed states of consciousness $hen visuai&ing( 2 nice 5uiet
pace in a safe environment is %ey( #any of us again' have a tendency to visuai&e on negative
things' $hich is not good for us' as $e immediatey e4perience the feeings and emotions $e attach
to those negative things( "ome of us $a%e up in the morning in a state of fear' dread' frustration' or
fatigue( .he very thought of a ne$ day can seem i%e 5uite a burden( "ome of us $ish the day had
ended before it began( <ver had that@ / %no$ / have had many a $a%ing e4perience i%e this( .he
good ne$s is that' "541 ,"6 31)+I%1 TH)T ,"6 4)5 2I%6)+I%1 ) $"%ITI21 2I1#
"8 ,"63 0),, "31 %)TI%8,I5G 31%6+T% #I++ 8"++"#.
,ets thin% about this for a moment( Can anybody ese infuence the $ay you choose to thin% and
fee@ Can your boss decide ho$ you $i thin% and fee@ Can your friend@ Can your enemy@ Can a
0oy$ood movie star@ /1m going to as% this 5uestion in a simiar $ay no$- Do you et anybody
ese infuence the $ay you chose to thin% and fee@ .he truth is "5+, ,"6 014I01 H"# ,"6
#)5T T" THI57 )50 811+.
"ome of us go through pretty rough times $hen $e are faced $ith situations in $hich $e have to
engage $ith others $ho annoy and frustrate us( *e can easiy ose trac% of $ho $e are' and our sef
esteem can o$er as $e strugge $ith feeings of anger and hostiity( /t is during these times
visuai&ation can be of a great benefit to us( 0ere1s something you can begin today9 "tart ma%ing
visuai&ation a part of your ife( <n8oy it i%e a hobby and reap the benefits of a greater sef esteem
foo$ this simpe e4ampe e4ercise
+ominate a 5uiet room $here you $i not be disturbed' seect some nice rea4ation music'
use cushions and either sit in otus position or ie comfortaby on your bac%(
.a%e some nice so$ deep breaths and cose your eyes' as you inhae utter the $ords peace
and ight' as you e4hae fee the tension go out of your body
+o$ imagine vie$ing your day on a big movie screen'each part of the day fragmented into
chapters( ;icture bright coors( "ee yoursef upon that screen fu of camness and peace(
/magine that you are smiing as you go to your first destination
+o$ sti being a$are of your breathing' oo% up at the screen and notice yoursef fu of
aughter' e4citement' and peace of mind
fee in your body these great feeings of peace of mind' fun' and confidence
#a%e the pictures on the movie screen brighter' and the good feeings you have stronger and
stronger
+o$ imagine' a things throughout your day turning out positive' don1t be afraid' see these
positive things happening upon that screen' and fee the 8oy and greatness of the day
/1 )#)31 TH)T ,"6 431)T1 ,"63 "#5 31)+IT, TH3"6GH ,"63 "#5
I50, ,"6 4)5 )441%% 811+I5G% "8 $1)41, 4)+, :",, )50 %T315GTH
#H151213 ,"6 4H""%1.
;ractice positive visuai&ation daiy and reap the benefits of a greater sef esteem
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip / 0i"e A 0ife Of 0au1hter
,aughter /s .he 6est #edicine! ;roverb
,aughter has a great impact on our sef esteem eves( "ome of us move $ithin socia circes $here
aughter is commonpace( ,aughter is undoubtedy heathy and scientists have proven that aughter
is in%ed to happiness( Dr 7obert 0oden in his happiness e4periment' highighted that $hen
combined $ith e4ercise' and positive thin%ing' aughter $oud create great happiness in peope(
0o$ much aughter do you have in your ife at present@ 2re you mi4ing $ith peope $ho augh
ots( Do you $atch any teevision $hich provides you $ith the entertainment to ead you to$ard
aughter( )ne step you can ta%e right no$' is to %eep a aughter 8ourna( ;ease' do consider this as
an active $ay to improve your sef esteem( Carry $ith you a sma note pad and record ho$ many
times a day you augh( 6e your o$n researcher and act as your o$n aughter consutant( Do you
have a favorite comedian or comedy actor@ /f so start to $atch more fims=programmes $ith your
favorite comedy s%etches on( Do you $atch much teevision at present@ /f so start to cut out things
$hich $i bring you doom and goom( "top $atching the ne$s' documentaries based on crime' and
soaps $here deceit and hatred are the drama( /nstead' e4pore $hen you can $atch pure comedy
sho$s $hich are your preferentia choice( *ith our modern .(V technoogy' you might even be abe
to store your favorites and $atch them as you i%e(
You are an ama&ing person' and once you come to understand that you can contro a aspects of
your ife' you $i start to notice better eves of sef esteem( Contro your abiity to increase the
amount of fun you have( .he more chidi%e you can be' the more creative you can become(
Chidren are a$ays aughing' they are innocent to the negative $ays of the $ord( .hey are sedom
interest in internationa conficts' oca ne$spaper headines $hich promote fear' or genera
negativity( Chidren can teach aduts ots about they $ay $e coud improve our ives( ,aughter is a
great e4ampe of this( ,earn to augh more' and if you thin% you are a great augher' then approach
someone ese and te them your secrets( ,aughter is an instant vacation from fears and sorro$s(
,aughter is universa' it is custom to a nationaities( ,aughter brings us hope and happiness(
Do not attempt the foo$ing e4ercise if you have a heart condition9
0ere1s an e4ercise you can try' to hep get you in the habit of aughing more-
3orced aughter tric%s the mind into rea aughter from the heart' so start no$ to force a
chuc%e using the foo$ing- ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho( 2nd again he he he he he he he he
Don1t fee siy but continue each ho an he C times per breath-ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho then
he he he he he he he he
+o$ give it some more $e reay go to to$n bring it up from the tummy- ho ho ho ho ho
ho ho ho and again reay po$er it he he he he he he he he
Continue this for five minutes and notice ho$ rea aughter $i foo$ each time( .his is
actuay good for you and can infuence better seeping patterns
*hie you may fee siy' practice this e4ercise reguary $hen you are aone' or $ith a good
friend=partner $ho you $i not fee siy $ith(
,earn to augh passionatey and from the heart
#a%e aughter a hobby' remember that forced aughter tric%s the mind into activating rea hearty
aughter $hich is good for the sou ,augh 2nd .he *ord ,aughs *ith You! and you gain great
sef esteem(
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip2 'eco$e Your Own 'est Friend ,ove yoursef
first and everything fas into ine! ,ucie 6a
0o$ much do you i%e yoursef at the moment@ 3ind a 5uiet pace and as% yoursef this 5uestion
and see $hat ans$ers you immediatey come up $ith( +o$' buiding on that 5uestion ho$ much do
you ove yoursef@ Daft as it may sound' these t$o 5uestions $i provide you $ith reevant ans$ers
as to the measure of sef esteem you are e4periencing in your ife at present(
"ome of us are not cear $hat ove is' and $e a have our o$n definition of the meaning of ove(
#any of us find it easy to ove others' but' due to unresoved inner conficts' $e strugge to ove
ourseves( .here has been much debate over the true meaning of oving onesef( "ome of us $ho
strugge $ith the idea of putting ourseves first' ta%e on the roe of martyr' doing everything $e can
to pease others' but ending up feeing burnt out and frustrated( /n contrast' some of us find it very
difficut to empathi&e $ith anyone ese' and due to our o$n fears and insecurities $e go out of our
$ay to ony pease ourseves(
.he best $ay to$ard great sef esteem is to treat yoursef as your o$n best friend( .his does not
mean that you ac% in the capacity of offering ove' humiity' and compassion to others( +o' it
means that you earn to ove yoursef so much' that this abundance of ove pours out to friends'
famiy' coeagues' and strangers(
/n order to ove yoursef more from this very moment you need to understand a basic truth- ,"6
)31 )5 ));I5G 431)TI"5 #ITH G31)T $"#13 )50 )/I+IT,. ,"6 H)21
G31)T 3I4H1% "8 T)++15T #ITHI5 ,"6 )50 ,"6 4)5 8I50 THI% )50 GI21 IT
8311+, T" TH1 #"3+0
/1m not 8ust ma%ing this up' this stuff is rea $hether you i%e it or not( /1m sure many of you reading
this $i %no$ straight a$ay about the great taents you have been bessed $ith( "o' given that you
are ama&ing (2nd you are( ( ( You reay are)' start today to give yoursef the ove and appreciation
you deserve( 6ecome your o$n best friend( 2 true best friend $i defend you $hen you are unfairy
critici&ed by others' they $i forgive you $hen you ma%e mista%es' they $i ceebrate your
successes' and ease your burden $hen you cry( .his is $hat you need to do for yoursef(
3orgive yoursef' again' and' again' and again' if you are critica of yoursef or feeing guity be
a$are of this( .ry and immediatey create a thought $hich is not sef baming( /f you have et
yoursef do$n in some$ay' forgive yoursef and dra$ a ine under it( :uit provides us $ith a
esson from $hich $e can earn to ad8ust( .hin% about times you have forgiven others' the po$er
that this forgiveness had on that other person and yoursef( .hin% of yoursef from this moment
for$ard as your o$n best friend( <ncourage your friend to try ne$ things' defend your friend from
the undue criticisms of others( ?se your subconscious mind (see .ip D) to start using positive
diaog $ith yoursef( 0eres an e4ercise you can use to start i%ing yoursef more-
3i4 an appointment $ith yoursef $hich cannot be bro%en' your best friend(yoursef) is
counting on you to attend ( *rite the appointment do$n and stic% to it under a costs
;an $hat the appointment is going to be' something $hich $i be good for you' $hich you
can en8oy sobery and do aone( ;amper yoursef' ta%e a s$im' or visit the cinema' $a% in
some nice andscape' anything $hich fees heathy and good to you9
,earn to en8oy your o$n company' ta% to yoursef (in your head' you might fee siy doing
it out oud) and use appreciative diaog
7ea4 7ea4 7ea4' en8oy every moment of this appointment $ith yoursef and be a$are of
your inner voice' a voice $hich i%es and oves you(
3ee the benefits of having piece of mind' be a$are of ho$ you can benefit others through
your grounded reiance in yoursef
2 great $ay to sef esteem is buy becoming your o$n best friend( ,earn the art of discipine' by
$or%ing at %no$ing yoursef better and better(
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip 3 0i"e 4n The Present, There 4s 5owhere
.%se .he abiity to be in the present moment is a ma8or component of menta $eness!
2braham #aso$
*hether $e i%e it or not' much if not a' of our unheathy thoughts and feeings $hich ead to o$
sef esteem' are based on past and future events( 7egrets from the past bring guit in the present'
guit in the present ays a foundation for inner turmoi and an4iety about tomorro$( #any of us are
that incined to d$e on the unpeasant e4periences of the past' that $e attempt to predict our future
in negative $ays( *hat foo$s is a constant stream of unrest' irritabiity' and fear $hich paves the
$ay for a genera sense of unhappiness and o$er sef esteem(
#any )f us in this $estern cuture' have been conditioned into beieving that 8oy and happiness are
out there' under the condition of various things( *e say things i%e /1 be fine in a $ee%s time $hen
/ go on hoiday!' or' Can1t $ait unti ne4t year $hen 3red comes home!' or Can1t $ait unti the
$ee%end! or <verything $i be fine $hen / get promotion!( .he ist goes on' $e have this habit of
beieving happiness is out there $hen certain conditions are met(
TH1 T36TH "8 TH1 )TT13 I%, TH1 "5+, THI5G #HI4H 31)++, 1<I%T% I%
THI% 213, "15T I5 #HI4H #1 +I21. TH1 G""0 "+0 0),% 0" 5"T 1<I%T,
)50 51ITH13 0"1% TH1 $13814T 86T631.
Your present e4perience is fu of beauty and can be so much more en8oyed and appreciated' /f you
$oud stop' and reay come to %no$ it( .he true 8oy avaiabe to you in each moment can be greaty
appreciated through a of your senses incuding sme' touch' sight' hearing' and taste( #any of us
find the comprehension of the present moment something difficut to %no$' because $e are
unfortunate enough to be over$hemed by our past or future(
You have $ithin you' the ama&ing capacity to find greater sef esteem by merey being present in
this moment( 0ere is something you can do right no$ to appreciate the present( "it in a comfortabe
position $herever you may be( 7ea4 your feet on the foor and your hands on your ap( 7ea4 your
shouders do$n and ta%e some nice rea4ing breaths( +o$' $ith your ears be a$are of a the sounds
going on around you( +otice every sound but try not to anay&e $hat you hear( 7ea4 your eyes and
be a$are of any coors you might e4perience behind your eyeids( 6ecome a$are of the beating of
your heart and the constant fo$ of energy circuating around your body( 6y simpy focusing on the
base of your tummy and your breathing' you might find a greater a$areness of the current moment(
,earn that the future or the past is of no immediate threat to you( You can be free from these
burdens by simpy being more a$are of $hat is going on 1no$1(
0eres another e4ercise you can do to hep you ive in the moment
+e4t time you have a mundane tas% to do i%e $ashing the dishes' focus your attention on
your surrounding environment( 6e a$are of the feeing of your hands in the $ater
2s you cean each item' oo% cosey at it' isten to the sound of the $ater' the scrubbing
motion' the different coored bubbes' the 1s5uea%ing and s5ueching1 of the croc%ery
:eneray become fascinated by the shape and fee of each pot' isten cosey to the different
sounds coming from the mur%y $aters
,oo% at every minor detai' the smaest soap sud through to the rippes in the $ashing up
bo$e
6e a$are of ho$ you are feeing' $hat posture you are standing in' the speed of your
breathing' the beating of your heart
6egin to deveop an attitude of utter ama&ement at anything you $ish to focus upon
7emember' earning to be content and at peace in the present $i determine a happier outcome'
regardess of $hatever ies ahead( *orry is a probem of it1s o$n and can not add or ta%e a$ay from
un$anted e4periences( 6e free and earn to ive 8oyousy this very moment(
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip 6 De"e%op The S&i%% Of .$path- .enderness and
%indness are not signs of $ea%ness and despair' but manifestations of strength and resoution!
Eahi :ibran(
.he abiity to empathi&e $ith others $i have a profound effect on your sef esteem eves( +ot
ony $i a greater eve of empathy have a great bearing on your communication s%is' but aso'
you $i tap in to a greater form of sef a$areness $hich is good for your body and mind( 6eing
empathic does not mean that $e aim to get embroied in everyone ese1s probems( "ome of us have
tried this and $e end up feeing burnt out( +o' being empathic means standing by someone'
e4poring their o$n $ord $ith them for a moment or t$o' and carifying that you have understood
them or not( /t is a desire to reay hear and understand someone ese(
#any of us have no idea of $hat empathy is( *hen in conversation $ith someone ese' $e
merey $ait for them to shut up so $e can then get our o$n point across( .he probem $ith
this' is that other peope sense that $e are not istening to them' and concude that $e are not
open to other ideas( /f $e are not open to other ideas and $i not isten to others' $e coud
be perceived as being sefish' arrogant' narro$ minded' and generay not peasant to be
around( <mpathy is a s%i $hich $i immediatey buid your credibiity among others(
<mpathy beongs to a famiy %no$n as 1emotiona inteigence1 and is a great too in buiding
and maintaining ong asting reationships both in and out of the home( /n fact' if empathy is
at the core of every intervention you have $ith other peope' you $i improve your sef
esteem greaty(.he main %ey to empathy is to pay attention to $hat peope say inguisticay'
and bodiy( *e ta% $ith our bodies more than $e do $ith our $ords' so $hen engaging
$ith another person pay attention to their posture' and their verba and bodiy e4pression( /t
is important to demonstrate to the other person that you are reay istening to them ( *e do
this verbay by paraphrasing the other person( .he foo$ing is an e4ampe of paraphrasing'
you can try this out $hen ta%ing to friends 3riend says- /1m out of my depth $ith .ed' he
8ust patroni&es me a the time' / hate the $ay he ma%es me fee sma' and that damned
irritating e4pression on his face $hen he beittes me is repusive! you repy- 7ight' / sense
you1re finding it difficut $ith .ed at the moment' he1s reay giving you bad feeing!( .his
is a simpe e4ampe of an empathic response( +e4t time you are engaging $ith someone get
into the habit of paraphrasing( Do not over do it' but try to get into the habit of reay
istening to the other person and paraphrase occasionay as best you can(
2$ays remember TH1 /1TT13 TH1 )/+IT, T" 1$)THI%1, TH1 G31)T13 TH1
+121+ "8 1%T11 ,"6 %H)++ )=6I31. #1 G)I5 64H "8 "63 1%T11 83"
"TH13%, $1"$+1 #I++ 0121+"$ ) "31 $"%ITI21 )TTIT601 T"#)30 ,"6.
0ere1s an e4ercise you can try to improve your empathic s%i
+e4t time you ta% to someone face to face' be a$are of their posture( +otice the movement
of their hands' the speed of their speech' and tone of their voice
.ry to maintain a good eve of eye contact' and $hie you do ta%e nice so$ rea4ing
breaths
;araphrase the person by camy refecting $hat they have said
"ense $hat the person is saying $ith their body' if they dispay tension in their hands' face'
or posture be a$are
/f the person as%s your opinion on a matter' depending on ho$ $e you %no$ them' genty
touch them on the shouder by giving your o$n vie$
;ractice this daiy and you $i improve greaty at the art of empathy
7<#<#6<7' the more you practice the better at it you $i become' do not beat yoursef
up if you find it difficut to start $ith(
www.talkandfeelbetter.com copyright J D Vanstone 2009 (C)
Tip 17 Accept A%% #o$p%i$ents ,ith Than&s
2 compiment is verba sunshine! 7obert )rben(
0o$ $e do you accept compiments@ .hin% hard for a fe$ moments and be as honest as you can
be( *hen $as the ast time someone paid you a good compiment@ Depending on your abiity to
accept compiments' $i depend on ho$ often you notice them going on( "ome of us find it very
easy to compiment other peope' and carry on through ife putting others on $onderfu eaborate
pedestas( *hie many peope are very gifted and highy taented and s%ied' they do not a$ays
have the measure of sef esteem to reay appreciate themseves( /n 6ritain there has over the
centuries been a custom to not be 1boastfu1 of one1s abiities( .he Christian tradition and perception
of the bibe has often been misinterpreted' eading peope to beieve that they must be humbe'
mee%' and under hardship in order to gain :od1s bessing( 0o$ever' these teachings have been
internai&ed by many in negative $ays' so that a genera sense of not appreciating or i%ing onesef
has foo$ed(
311/13, ,"6 H)21 /115 /+1%%10 #ITH T)++15T%, %7I++%, )50 )/I+ITI1%
)50 ,"6 4)5 4"$+I15T ,"63%1+8 8"3 TH1%1 31G6+)3+,.
*hen you get in the habit of compimenting yoursef for the good things you do' you $i find it
easier to accept the compiments of others( / sa$ a ne$s story recenty' $here a brave man 8umped
into a river in the $inter time to save a young chid $ho had faen in the $ater( *hen intervie$ed
the reporter commented on the man as being heroic and bod' to $hich the man repied )h it $as
nothing' anyone $oud have done the same!( .he fact is' not many $oud have done the same' and
this man1s bravery saved a chid1s ife( /t seemed as though this man had an interna beief that
suggested to him he did not $ant to be credited' or praised by others regardess of his bravery(
.here is a big difference bet$een 1sho$ing off1 and accepting a compiment(
,adies particuary' find it difficut to accept a compiment about their beauty and good oo%s( / tod
a ady coeague that her hair oo%ed nice once' to $hich she repied Yeah 7ight' ;u .he other
)ne! she obviousy found the compiment uncomfortabe' yet it $as meant sincerey( I8
%"1"51 $),% ,"6 ) 4"$+I15T %I$+, %), 'TH)57 ,"6'.
6y saying than% you' you are ta%ing o$nership of the compiment and accepting it as truth(
*e humans have a very unusua tendency of grabbing hod of negative things and cinging on to
them as much as $e can( *hie conversey' $hen positive things come our $ay $e dismiss them
straight a$ay( .ry to cing to positives instead of negatives( /f someone insuts you' try to forget it
straight a$ay( /f someone compiments you' than% them for it and remind yoursef of the
compiment again and again and again and again(
0ere1s an e4ercise you can try to improve your responses to compiments(
;ay ten compiments a day to different peope and $atch their response to it' ma%e sure the
compiments are genuine' +o point compimenting for the sa%e of it
*atch the responses of these peope' their verba e4pression and body anguage $i be a
%ey indicator of their response(
+otice ho$ you fee as a resut of their response' ho$ do you fee $hen they are than%fu@
0o$ do you fee $hen they are dismissive or a$%$ard@
+o$( ( ( thin% carefuy about ho$ you $i respond to future compiments(
"ef esteem is something you can improve in others by offering genera compiments' by doing this
you $i aso boost your o$n positive feeings( 2$ays ma%e sure you are specific about the
compiment for e4ampe / i%e your ne$ hair stye' the coors' and shape are beautifu!
7emember $hen someone fees a$%$ard $ith the compiment' it has an impact on the person $ho
made it( "o' be sure to accept a compiments $ith than%s(
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